Bill: (to Dave)"Is Matthew superior to me?"
Dave: "You mean genetically?"

Joe: "Here is my strategy: an old-fashioned, street-smart all-American ass kicking!"

Dave: "Wait a minute, Joe. If what you're saying is true... then I... still don't care."

Joe: "You're living in a dream world."

Dave: "If I was living in a dream world, it wouldn't be quite like this."

The above quote is better heard than read, haha.

Mr. James: You're sleeping with the boss now, Lisa. What do you think the staff's gonna feel about that? You know what people think about Yoko Ono.

Mr. James: Seriously, Dave. If that eulogy went on a minute longer it would have been yours.

Lisa: "It was a, uh, particularly devastating review of Devo's third album."

Joe: "Get to them early, before they get brainwashed by the thought police."
Max: "Oh, like Big Bird and Elmo?"
Joe: "Elmo's on our side, dude."
Matthew: "I knew it."

Matthew: "Wait a minute... Big Bird's not on our side?"

Lisa: "Nobody is that open minded."

Max: "Hear me, children. You know not what awaits you in the years to come."

Lisa: "We will see whose ass gets kicked when we get back to the office."

Jimmy: "This little bumpkin is officially retired."

Beth: That must be so demeaning, just getting coffee for people all day... Wait a minute...

Joe: (to Andrew)"Come on, dude, you're not twins."

Beth: (to Matthew)"You're handsomer."

Andrew: "...I can grow a beard."

Bill: "You know, Andrew, your brother's one hell of a guy."

Jimmy: "You're a bigger man than I am, Gunga Din."

Bill: It's not garbage. It's rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.

Mr. James: And free advertising, well that's something you just can't buy.

Bill: "'Artistic? That's poor for 'naked'."

Dave: "It's Dave."
Joe: (o.s.)"Dave's not here, man."

Jimmy: "That's what I call art."

Bill: "Hold that boat! I'm 've got a heart condition. And I'm a woman."

Bill's final line: "No. Did you?"

Dave: We're not talking about me anymore, are we?
Beth: No, we're not, Dave. We're talking about me now.
Dave: You and, uh...
Beth: The Fed-Ex guy.
Dave: We don't use Fed-Ex.
Beth: Not anymore.

Lisa: "Well... As memorial services go, I think that was very nice."

Beth: (chuckles)"Oh, the irony of that would've made Bill laugh."

Matthew: (to Dave)"Your eulogy was the best."

Beth: "...and yelled 'Shut the hell up, you crazy bitch'."
Joe: "That's just what Bill would've done."

Dave: "Lisa?"
Lisa: "What?"
Dave: "We didn't have a wake for Bill."

Jimmy: "Dave, your eulogy sucked."

Beth: "Thank you for everything, Bill."

Dave: "Where's Bill's coffee cup?"

Lisa: "...I've been drunk off my ass since eight this morning."

Bill : In the future, it might help if you located the source of your rage before you unleashed it on the world.

(First line of the series.)
Dave: "Morning, I'm..."

Dave: "I'm the new news director."

Dave:
Have you read the interview yet?

Bill McNeal:
No.

Dave:
Great. Why don't I autograph that for you?

Bill McNeal:
Autograph? So it's gone to his head already. I like your style.

Dave:
Oh, I'm not going to do it now. Uh, no, I need-I need a little time to, uh, think of, you know, uh, le mot juste.

Bill McNeal:
More juice - I hear ya.

Dave: "Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue."

Dave: "I mean, it's a wonderfully rendered half-hour of absurdist comedy, you know."

Matthew: "I have cats."

Max: "Do-do they call the Virginia Reel?"

Max: "The original forbidden dance."

Dave: "Nobody gets to go but Matthew."
Beth: "Why does Matthew get to gooo?"
Dave: "Because Matthew... is completely and utterly useless."

Dave: "They're cigars of sorrow."

Dave: "I never had a sense of adventure."

Max: "Mr. James bought me a pig."

Beth: "Sarcasm. The last refuge of sons of bitches!"

Beth: "My eavesdropping has gotten soo sloppy."

Joe: "I'm Joe Garelli and I'm not afraid of anything."

Joe: "Dave, you don't want a Matthew-alien hybrid running around out there,do you?"

Joe: "...I'm just gonna shoot low and kick hard."

Max: "I do all my own stunts."

Dave: "Yeah, in my dreams."

(Last lines of the series.)
Matthew: (to Dave)"It's you and me, pal. Mee and youu forever."
Dave: "I know."

Jimmy James:
Morning, wage apes.

Dave:
Mr. James, I thought you had vacation this week.

Jimmy James:
I'm on it.

Dave:
You are?

Jimmy James:
Why travel when you have the resources of the world's greatest city right here?

Dave:
Right.

Jimmy James:
Yeah. I'm gonna go use the can.

Matthew: "I'm not regular people."

Lisa: I'm not doing a shoot.
Jimmy James: You're not doing the shoot? What, are you crazy? That's free advertising for the station! Honey, free advertising - that's something you just can't buy.