Buddy: "...and remember, a friend in need is a pest."

(Mel enters.)
Buddy: "How do you like that? We're lookin' for a finish -- here he is."

(Mel and Mel's cousin, Maxwell, enter.)
Buddy: "Look at this. Will the real baldy please stand up?"
(Maxwell laughs.)

Buddy: (to Sally)"This guy'll laugh at anything. Watch." (To Maxwell): "Shoe horn." (Maxwell laughs.)

Mel: "You see, Maxwell doesn't have any overhead."
Buddy: "And it runs in the family, don't it, Curly?"

Laura Petrie: You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead!
Rob Petrie: Who's that?
Laura Petrie: Dwight Heatheron happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity.
Rob Petrie: Then how do you know him?
Laura Petrie: Oh Rob, he's *famous*.

Buddy: "There he goes, folks, the great American emblem: The bald eagle."
Mel: "Yech."

Laura's catchphrase: "Oh, Rob!"

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Rob, I can't tell you how much.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell: You can't tell us how much four and four are.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley: Yech!

(Repeated lines)
Alan: "Shut up, Mel!"
Mel: "Yes, sir."

Rob Petrie: At least I'll prove one thing tonight: Television writers marry the prettiest girls.

Rob & Laura:

Sally & Buddy:

Rob Petrie: Laura, there is no reason for your behavior!
Laura Petrie: There is every reason for my behavior — I'm angry!
Rob Petrie: Angry, yes, because I wouldn't behave like a puppet! Because I felt a responsibility to my employer!
Laura Petrie: For heaven's sake, Rob, that's not why I'm angry. I realize you have to do what you think is right. I wouldn't respect you if you let yourself get pushed around by anyone, including me.

Buddy: "That's what I like to see. Another guy fightin' with his wife."

Rob: "Boy, do I feel married today."

Mel: "Yuck!"
Buddy: "All right; I'll get you something to settle your stomach."



Laura: "...even a mild concussion is nothing to laugh at."

Sally Rogers: "It's just like my Aunt Agnes always says..."

Mel: "I wish I could hide."
Buddy: "Hey, quick, grow some hair."

(Mel enters.)
Buddy: "There he is, folks, the poor man's nobody."

Mel: "I'm about at my wit's end!"
Buddy: "Well, that's a short trip."

Buddy: "The whole world is waiting for a headline."

Buddy: "... he must be suffering from a pain in the cash register."

Rob: "There's a good reason to call, right there."

Laura: (to Rob)"I think you're back in jeopardy."

Rob: "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! And so do I."

Rob: "But Richard, when people get bigger, they things they do wrong get bigger. And very often they just can't be allowed to continue doin' the wrong things they do!"

Laura: "Well Alan, there must be some needy bald people."

Sally: "Yeah, and I'll do all the romancing."

Rob: "An unlisted banana?"

Laura: "I didn't know that Alan had a nose job!"

Laura: "Alan, I really like your hair."

Laura: "Well, there must be some needy bald people."

Alan: "Oh, happy days are here again."

Mel Cooley:
Alan does a lot of charity work.

Buddy Sorrell:
Oh, THAT'S how you got your job.

Sally: "All right, folks, welcome to the lost weekend."

Buddy: (to Mel)"Why don't you check out?"

Buddy: "The hairless phantom strikes again."

Buddy: "...look at the mistake his parents made."

Desk Clerk: "You see, the cabin is haunted."

Buddy: "Yeah, we've got loose connections in the head for being here."

Laura: "I felt awake."

Buddy: "How do you like that? A maneating bed."

Mel: "How do you like it?"
Rob: "Come out of there, Mel."
Mel: "Are you angry?"
Rob: "I'm not angry, Mel, I'm insane!"

Rob & Sally:

[Buddy, Sally and Rob try to devise a game show sketch for Alan Brady]

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, I got the game show! It-it's like "What's My Line?" only it's called "What Was This Fellow's Name Before He Changed It To What It Is Now, And Why Did He Change It, Do You Think?"

Sally Rogers:
Is that the title or the whole show?

Buddy Sorrell:
No, that's the idea of the thing. They bring a fellow in, they say "This man manufactures golf sweaters, and he calls him..." - you know, if he likes it - so "he calls himself Sam Golfsweater," cause he wants everyone to know he makes golf sweaters."

Sally Rogers:
All right, what was his name before he changed it?

Buddy Sorrell:
Al Paca!

Sally Rogers:
Get outta here.

Buddy Sorrell:
No, no...

Sally Rogers:
BUDDY!

Buddy Sorrell:
You'll like it. It'll grown on you.

Sally Rogers:
I don't want anything to grow on me!

Buddy Sorrell:
One-one-one more. One more. A girl lives in Pennsylvania, and she's so proud of her home state, she calls herself Patricia Pittsburgh.

Sally Rogers, Rob Petrie:
[together, with threatening fists] What was her name before she changed it?

Buddy Sorrell:
Phyllis Adelphia.

Sally Rogers:
[chasing him to the sofa] Ohh, Buddy!

Rob:

Buddy: "Uh-oh, there he is, the ever popular Mr. Blunt."

Buddy: "Except Laura looks better in a bikini."

Sally: "...sounds like a clock."
Buddy: "Yeah, but I think he's cuckoo."

Rob: "What do you want to see? Tiny livestock?"

Ollie: "If people knew what he was really writing about, we'd all be in jail."

Ollie: "Mother Goose has been scaring kids for years. That crazy old broad was vicious."

Dr. Gormsley:
[reading Ritchie's version of reproduction] When a mommy and a daddy want a baby, they put a silver dollar under their pillow when they go to sleep at night.

Laura Petrie:
A silver dollar under their pillow?

Rob Petrie:
Oh, boy.

Dr. Gormsley:
And when they wake up and find the silver dollar is gone, they know that Mr. Cabbage has been there.

Laura Petrie:
Mr. Cabbage?

Dr. Gormsley:
Mr. Cabbage takes the silver dollar to Esmeralda the queen tomato, and in front of the other vegetables...

Dr. Gormsley and Rob:
[together]... three broccolis and a radish...

Rob Petrie:
[alone]... Esmeralda plants a baby seed in a magic garden saying, "Starlight, star bright, we're gonna grow a baby tonight."

Laura Petrie:
Rob!

Dr. Gormsley:
Then this IS familiar to you, Mr. Petrie.

Rob Petrie:
Oh, yeah, yeah. And on a... on a bright and sunny morning, nestled in a... in a nest of, uh, lettuce leaves, is a beautiful pink pumpkin.

Laura Petrie:
A pink pumpkin?

Rob Petrie:
Well, if it's a girl. Boys come in blue pumpkins.

Jerry: "I'm a dentist, not a psychiatrist."

Laura Petrie:
You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead!

Rob Petrie:
Who's that?

Laura Petrie:
Dwight Heatheron happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity.

Rob Petrie:
Then how do you know him?

Laura Petrie:
Oh Rob, he's *famous*.

Rob: "Nobody's to blame. It's just some kind of crazy mistake!"

Lou Gregory: "Even when I get taken I pay."

Buddy: "What's the difference? He can always introduce his father as Willie Sutton."

Rob: "I didn't cheat!"

Laura: "I don't approve, but I'm too busy to moralize."

[Laura just admitted that she told a TV audience Alan Brady is bald]

Rob Petrie:
Well did you know it was a secret?

Laura Petrie:
Yes.

Rob Petrie:
Oh sure, what's the fun of telling something if it's not a secret?

Stacey Petrie: "Boy. He's as dumb as they come. I think he's an elementary school dropout or somethin'."

Laura & Rob:

Rob:

[Laura just admitted that she told a TV audience Alan Brady is bald]

Rob Petrie: Well did you know it was a secret?

Laura Petrie: Yes.

Rob Petrie: Oh sure, what's the fun of telling something if it's not a secret?

[Laura just admitted that she told a TV audience Alan Brady is bald]

Rob Petrie: Well did you know it was a secret?

Laura Petrie: Yes.

Rob Petrie: Oh sure, what's the fun of telling something if it's not a secret?

from the same episode.

Laura to Alan Brady

"Well Alan there must be needy bald people!"

Alan Brady:
[re note about letting go of the staff] Didn't you see I crumpled it up?

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
[inspects paper] Yeah that's his crumple!

Rob & Sally:

Rob:

Rob & Laura:

Rob: "When was the last time you saw a want ad for a bullfighter?"

Mel Cooley: Rob, I did not come here to get insulted.
Buddy Sorrell: Oh? Where do you usually go to get insulted? I'll go anyplace.

Rob:

(First lines of the series.)
Laura: (singing)"... on the sidewalks of New York. (answers telephone)Hello? Why are you sending him home?"

Aunt Agnes

"If your heart is where the sky is bluest, then the sound of winter's twilight will be your friend."

Alan: "What do I know from style?"

Laura: (to Rob)"... Alan's really gonna play you?"
Alan: "And Rob won't have to shave his head. I'll wear a toupee."

Jerry: "Hey, who's gonna play me?"
Millie: "Your part'll be cartoon."

(Last lines of the series.)
Millie: "Laura's so pretty, and if Martha Diller's gonna play her, who's gonna play me?"
Sally: "Ohhh, come on."

Rob Petrie: [Sally, Buddy, Rob and Laura are staying in a haunted cabin, all four are in the same bed because they are scared of the ghost] It's been over two hours and nothing strange or unusual has happened.
Sally Rogers: Oh, really? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?