Tim: [helping Randy with his math homework] ... now the denominator is the...

Randy: ...bottom number...

Tim: ...why don't they just call it the bottom number? The denominator... that sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie doesn't it?

Tim: [impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger] I am the Denominator. I'll give your leg a compound fraction

^^^ Brad is the one who was getting the homework help there.

God bless you always!!!

Holly

P.S. This exchange is from the beginning of my most favorite season five episode. :) :) :)

Tim-This letter is to me from Michigan University. That is where my wife and I went to college.

Al-Maybe they've seen this show and they are wanting their diploma back! :D :D :D

Of course that letter was to let Tim know that he was being given an honorary PHD. :) :) :)

Al: Say, do you think they call it a nail gun because it shoots nails?

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: "Tool Time"!
Heidi: Alright, now here he is, the star of the show. Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.

Mark: When do we get to the cheese?

Jill: Soon.

Wilson:

. . . I had been living with the Mara Masai tribe for six months, but had been unable to engage the aged chief in conversation. When I had all but given up hope, he summoned me to his deathbed, and whispered the words I'll never forget -- 'Hidy-ho, neighbor.,

Brad: Hey guys, guess what. Barry Hudson quit his newspaper route. Hi Marie.

"[Tim finds an old eight-track tape in the basement]
Tim Taylor: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."
[begins to sing, off key]
Tim Taylor: In A Gadda Da Vida, baby...
[Jill takes the tape away]
Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"?
Tim Taylor: I just was. In A Gadda Da Vida...
Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" so people would want to hear it?"

"Tim: [Tim and Al are at a bar after Mr. Binford has passed away] Crying won't bring him back!
Al: That isn't the point! You suffered a big loss! We all did!
[starts to cry]
Tim: Come on, pull it together, will you, Al?
Al: Well, I didn't really need that spicket! I just thought it'd be great to have hot chocolate once in a while!
Tim: [customers are staring at Al, who is shaking from crying so hard] It devastates him when they run out of corn nuts!"

Randy Taylor: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus; kids are gonna start to make fun of you.
Mark Taylor: What are you talking about?
Randy Taylor: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.
Mark Taylor: You guys are poop-heads!
Randy Taylor: OK, fine; here's the truth: There used to be a Santa Claus, but he died six years ago.
Brad Taylor: Yep... you just missed out.
Mark Taylor: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy Taylor: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer - Blitzen fell on him.

"Jill: The family is always together on Christmas. We hang our stockings together. We talk to relatives on the phone. You have your new saxophone so you can play along while we sing carols and I'm going to make nana's special oyster pecan stuffing.
Tim: [Gagging] Do you suppose there's room for one more skier in that car?"

And funny lines can go in here as well!

"The Colonel: And then, who should grab my shoulder but General Douglas MacArthur.
Mark: Who?
The Colonel: Your father never told you about General MacArthur?
Mark: No, but he told me about General Motors."

"Tim Taylor: Why should I say goodbye? He's been one of my best friends for fifteen years.
Wilson: Oh, has he, Tim? Or was he your best friend fifteen years ago? You see, Tim, I believe it was St. Paul who said, "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.""

"Brad: I decided that if a girl is going to like me, she's going to like me for who I am.
Jill: She dumped you, huh?
Brad: Yep."

"Tim: I've got a good one for you: How much wood could a Wilson chop if a Wilson could chop wood?
Wilson: [as he's cutting firewood] He could cut a quarter of a cord of conifer if you gave him a quarter for every cord he cut."

Jill: "Tim, don't use the red sponge for that!"
Tim: "Why not?"
Jill: "Because it's brand new. The new sponge is used for this, then after it's used up it gets demoted to that, and then it goes out to the garage for your greasy stuff, and then it gets thrown away"

"Wilson: Tim, it is not easy to change one's perception of things, but it can be very healthy. Some people might even say it's a growth experience.
Tim: Wilson, how far does this go? How do I really know you are who I think you are?
Wilson: Well how do I know you are who I think you are?
Tim: How do I know you're the one who said that?
Wilson: How do I know you heard what I said?
Tim: How do I know you're really here?
Wilson: Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation?"

"Randy: Hey Beth, what do you call bad lemonade?
Beth: What?
Randy: Lemon lemonade.
[Beth, Brad and Jennifer force laughter]
Randy: Man, that's the last time I use one of Dad's jokes."

"Tim: [Presents classic car] Kids, say hello to your new kid sister.
Randy: It looks old enough to be our grandmother."

"Tim: [Bowling] You're dead, pin. You're dead. You and your nine scrawny friends too.
[Throws the ball]
Mark: Yay, Daddy, you did it. You knocked down that one pin.
Jill: And you left his nine scrawny friends."

"Barry Sanders just broke around the end for 50 yards, it's 1st and goal from the 1! We're gonna score!, Happy anniversary Honey!"
-Tim

"Mark: But Mom, they were gonna play with me.
Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself, What do they want to *do* to me?"

Jill Taylor: This is great! Now I've gotta take advice from a guy who prances around a TV studio, grunting like a baboon...

Jill: Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim: It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Jill: Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Tim: However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.

Wilson: Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.

Tim: A satellite dish!

Wilson: No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.

Randy: Hey Dad.
Tim: Hello Randy.
Randy: Wow. Nomad's looking great. I've never seen it look this shiny.

Al: I remember my first Christmas rebellion: I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing 'Oh, Tannenbaum'.

Tim: Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland.

[to Jill]

Tim: Are you all right?

Al: Yeah I'm okay. It was a long time ago.

Tim: [to Jill] I meant, are YOU okay?

Some funny HI lines:

Al Borland: Do anything fun this weekend?
Mark Taylor: Daddy and I dressed up like women.
Al Borland: ...Oh, really?
Tim Taylor: It's not like it sounds, Al.
Mark Taylor: Daddy had Mommy's hat on, and we both wore earrings.
Al Borland: Well, of course; earrings would complete the ensemble.
Tim Taylor: It's not like I had a bra on or anything, Al.
Al Borland: Well, maybe next time, Tim.

Mark Taylor: I have a woman - Mommy.
Randy Taylor: Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.
Tim Taylor: A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure *that* one out.

Mothers: [singing] The itsy bitsy spider crawled up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain...
Tim: [holding a baby] Whoa. Something's coming out, but it definitely isn't the sun.

Jill: "'Tis the season to be packin'."

Jill: "They get smarter every year."

(In Spanish with English subtitles):
Randy: "Hey, Wilson. What are you doing?"
Wilson: "I'm roasting my nuts."
Randy: "That must really hurt."
(In English):
Wilson: (laughs)"No, no, no. I'm roasting chestnuts on an open fire."

Tim Taylor: What are you making over there?

Wilson Wilson Jr.: Building a porcupine trap.

Tim Taylor: Really?

Wilson Wilson Jr.: Hmm.

Tim Taylor: I don't think there's a lot of porcupines in the Detroit area, are there?

Wilson Wilson Jr.: Ah ha, but if you build it, they will come.

Brad Taylor: What are you doing in here? You're supposed to be downstairs helping me get finished dusting.

Randy Taylor: I'm just up here tellin' Mom a joke. I'm being a *good* son.

Tim: (to Jill)"Think you've got it bad? Because of what Scott did, it's a bad day for all Chevy guys."

Tim Taylor: Who would have thought that chrome cleaner was that flammable?

Al Borland: I guess whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Heidi: [half asleep] Does anybody know what time it is?

Jill: 5:00. Oh, my back.

Wilson: [about Al's snoring] I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi, studying the breeding patterns of wart hogs.

Tim: Hoooh! Woo-ee! Did I sleep well or what? I got some hot, cheese blintzes in the oven, guys!

Heidi , Jill , Wilson , Kyle , Al: SHUT UP!

[they toss pillows at him]

Wilson: Have you thought about what you'll study in college?

Brad: Yeah, I think about it all the time.

Tim: When I was in school, English was my worst subject.

Jill Taylor: I thought it was history.

Tim: Well history and English.

Jennifer Sudarsky: [requesting an autographed Tool Time photo for her father] Can you make it of Al? He really likes Al.

Tim Taylor: We all like Al. BRAD, GET DOWN HERE!

Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, why did Brad leave?

Jill: [Dressed as a giant carrot] I guess he was feeling embarrassed about his costume.

Curtis: Oh. So when are you gonna leave?

Tim: When the car doesn't get the oil that it needs, it tends to seize up into a rock.

Jill: Are you saying the car's not running?

Tim: We now own a 4000-pound 4-door boulder.

Jill: You mean I can't drive it?

Tim: Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone.

Tim Taylor: I'm trying to log onto Windows 98. Which dates the episode.

Tim Taylor: You've got so much to lose. What about your soccer scholarship?

Jill Taylor: And the trust of a family who loves you.

Brad Taylor: Yeah, I don't want to lose my soccer scholarship...Or the other thing.

Detective Roberts: You tampered with the crime scene?
Tim Taylor: I did not know it was a crime. I did not know it at the time.
Detective Roberts: [writes] "Dr. Seuss claims there was a witch".

Tim: I don't know if it's going to be worth it. Every time I go to a Pistons game, I'm gonna get "the look".

Marty Taylor: Yeah, what about the look you're gonna get when you come home?

Tim: That's 2 looks per game.

^^^ Tim-With 40 games, that 80 looks and that doesn't include the look that I get for doing other bad things. :D :D :D

God bless you always!!!

Holly

Al: I hate the look.

Marty Taylor: How would you know about the look? You're not even married.

Al: I get the look when I am snippy to mother.

Tim: In your mom's case, the look's actually an improvement.

Jill: Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!
Tim: Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.

Mark Taylor: You know that tape measure that you could never find?

Tim Taylor: Go ahead. Tell me, you lost it.

Mark Taylor: No. Brad and Randy broke it.

Tim Taylor: Good to have you back, son.

Tim: What do we want?
Brad: Scholarship.
Tim: How are we going to get it?
Brad: Hard work.
Tim: I can't hear you.
Brad: Hard work.
Tim: I can't hear you!
Brad: Hard work!
Tim: I can't hear you.
Brad: HARD WORK!

Tim Taylor: I'll buy a garage and start a classic car shop.

Jill Taylor: You can't start a business from scratch. There's gonna be experts out there that have been doing it for years. It could take forever to turn a profit or, you know, you could just be a complete failure right out of the box.

Tim Taylor: You're gonna make a great therapist.

Tim: Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
Al: I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
Tim: OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
Al: I consider calling in sick.

Mark: What are we gonna make?
Jill: I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.
Mark: Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.
Jill: She did?
Mark: Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.
Jill: Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Tim: Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
Al: I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
Tim: OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
Al: I consider calling in sick.

Tim: ...Let me do this for you.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assist me.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Tim: Probably, yes.
Jill[getting excited]: And I can have anything I want?
Tim: Anything you want!
Jill: Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?
Tim: Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!

Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?

Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.

Jill: Well could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?

Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.

Tim: I didn't bug you during childbirth.

Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.

Jill: What, do you have rocks in your head? Don't you think?

Tim: Let's talk about who doesn't think for a minute—who drove around for two days with the oil light on?

Jill: Wait—I thought you said you weren't going to bring up the oil light.

Tim: With all those rocks in my head, sometimes I don't know what I'm sayin'!

Jill Taylor: I don't wanna be a nagging wife.

Tim Taylor: Then, how would I recognize you?

Tim: It's a warning light; didn't it occur to you there might be a little problem?

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car that the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.

Tim: A buzzer? It's a car, not a game show.

You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.
— Eddie Phillips (Ernest Borgnine)

Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.

Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.

Tim: We'll be right back after a word from Binford Tools.

Tim: I go to the opera with you.

Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim: Didn't we just see Le Robocop?

Tim: I go to the opera with you.

Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim: Didn't we just see Le Robocop?

I remember that one

You know why I like tools? Because they fix things—you tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there—boom; it's fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.

— Tim Taylor

Jill Taylor: I don't wanna be a nagging wife.

Tim Taylor: Then, how would I recognize you?

Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.

Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.

Tim: What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of?

Wilson: I do have one underlying fear, Tim—I'm afraid that reality, as we know it, is someone else's dream. When the dreamer wakes, I'll no longer exist.

Tim: ...Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.

Tim Taylor:
Now, the important thing about puttin' a door in is hanging it, because if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?

Al Borland:
Speak for yourself, Tim.

Jill Taylor: [discussing Jill's upcoming job interview] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

Tim Taylor: No; I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was 'NO!'

Jill Taylor: [smirking] You're thinking of tonight.

Tim: What are you doing with the skis?

Brad: Oh, um, I was gonna donate them to the needy.

Tim: Yeah, that's just what they need down at the mission. Food and skis.

Brad: Look, Dad, I explained it all in a note.

Tim: It better be a good one. "Went skiing. Brad".

Brad: [Brad wants to go skiing on Christmas eve] But Mom, it's perfect. I mean, I don't have school and I can take your presents with me and open them there.

Tim: [to angel statue] Do you feel the love in this room? Do you?

Brad: Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?
Tim: You bet!
Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.
Brad: Aww, man
Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.
Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Want to help?
Randy: No.

Tim:
Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
Al:
I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
Tim:
OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
Al:
I consider calling in sick.

Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.
Tim: Where are they now?
Eddie: On a window sill.
Tim: You didn't throw them out?
Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

Tim:
Al, what's the first thing you do when you get up?
Al:
I say to myself "Oh boy, another wonderful day of working side-by-side with Tim!"
Tim:
OK, what's the second thing you do, Al?
Al:
I consider calling in sick.
LOL :D :D :D

God bless you always!!! :) :) :)

Holly

Jill: [Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?
Tim: It's a little piece of table.
Randy: What happened?
Tim: Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.
Jill: Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?
Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]
Tim: You notice, I'm not laughing.
Jill(trying to regain composure): It's ok, we'll be good. Randy, s-s-set the table.
Randy: OK. Dad, bend over!

Jill: The last time I trusted you, we had Mark.

Jill: The pizza is round, the garbage can is round, why can't the box be round?

Al Borland: [Bob Vila is about to install a light switch] Tim, are you sure you turned off the electricity?

Tim Taylor: That goes without saying, Al.

Al Borland: Well now that we've said it, have you done it?

Bob Vila: Tim, it's your show. I think you should install the switch.

Tim Taylor: Oh, you're the guest, go on, go on.

Bob Vila: Al, would you do this, please?

Al Borland: I don't think so, Bob.

Tim: Oh, hey, Benny. I didn't see you.

Benny Baroni: You know, it just occurred to me: Thursday is Thanksgiving.

Tim: Thanksgiving is falling on a Thursday this year?

[Tim finds an old eight-track tape in the basement]

Tim Taylor: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

[begins to sing, off key]

Tim Taylor: In A Gadda Da Vida, baby...

[Jill takes the tape away]

Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"?

Tim Taylor: I just was. In A Gadda Da Vida...

Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" so people would want to hear it?

Tim: How many times have you been married?

Fred: Three.

Tim: Why do you suppose that is?

Fred: I can't find a woman who understands me.

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
Tim: A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!

Jill Taylor: [on the phone] Hi Mrs. Wullitt. He did what? Oh I am so sorry! Yeah, send him over to apologize, it will not happen again. Thanks

[Jill hangs up while Randy has crept out of the room, Jill opens the door in fury]

Jill Taylor: RANDALL WILLIAM TAYLOR! Get in here right now I need to talk to you!

Tim Taylor: Now, the important thing about puttin' a door in is hanging it, because if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?

Al Borland: Speak for yourself, Tim.

Tim Taylor: [incredulous of Wilson] Everybody's got a TV!

Wilson: Not me; I just use my imagination... watch the pictures inside my mind.

Tim Taylor: ...Cuts down on reruns, then, doesn't it?

Wilson: Not really, Tim; there's always déjà vu.

Tim: [Tim is fantasizing that he and his family are wooden dolls] Let's not get hung up on how we look. There are more important things to think about during the holidays.

Brad: Like your lighting contest?

Tim: Nope. Nope. Nope. I'm through putting Christmas lights on this house. I'm giving all the holiday lights to the homeless.

Jill: And where exactly are the homeless going to hang them?

Tim: Good point... We'll give them the house too!

[Tim is dreaming that he and his family are wooden dolls]

Tim: Boys, go get your rooms and put them in the box.

Mark: But where are we going to live?

Tim: You, you, you. You people have got to stop thinking about yourselves.

Jill: Tim, you've changed. You're caring. Giving. You're... loving. And you've got a termite coming out of your ear.

Tim: Have a little compassion. Even the lowliest creature needs a friend.

Tim: You had a bad day, we all have bad days.
Randy: There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.
Tim: Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid.

Heidi Keppert: Al and I have taken the ultimate safety precaution.
Al Borland: We're not allowing Tim to do any of the work.

Tim(to Al): So, we're going to have to change the format of the show today. YOU are gonna have to do ALL the work.
Al: And what would the change be, Tim?

Tim: Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this.

Brad: Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.

Tim: Helping my mom move will allow me to do something I've always wanted to do.

Wilson: Spend more time with her?

Tim: No, drive a really big truck.

Tim: [after he dropped a beam on Jill's car] Hey, guys, is your mom home?

Brad: Yeah, she's upstairs studying.

Tim: Do you think she saw Tool Time today?

Randy: No, I don't think so.

Tim: Great.

Brad: [gleefully] But *we* did.

Randy: Hey, don't worry, Dad; Mom has always wanted a compact car.

Tim: You guys didn't tell her, did you?

Randy: Nope; we thought it would be more fun to watch *you* tell her.

Tim: I didn't know you wanted me home right away.
Jill: Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and "I'll be waiting."

Tim: Today is the day.

Jill: That you come to your senses and realize we don't need an intercom?

Tim: The day I come to my senses is a long way off.

Al: I think one of these days, you're going to run out of flannel jokes.

Tim: I don't think so, Al. Not with my "Complete Flannel Joke Book".

[Tim pulls out a heavy dictionary-sized hardcover book labelled "The Complete Flannel Joke Book" from behind a prop and opens it]

Tim: "Why did the flannel cross the road? 'Cause Al was over there!" "Oh waiter, there's a fly in my flannel!" "Please... take my flannel!"

[Al snatches the book from Tim]

Tim: Then there's your handy wallet-sized version!

[Tim pulls a tiny hardcover book of the same color out of his pocket]

Tim: "How do you keep an idiot wearing flannel in suspense?"

[Al snatches the second book]

Tim: I'll tell you tomorrow!

"Tim is at his most romantic during the Dollar Days sale at Sears. All I have to do is wear a negligee and hold up a tool catalogue."
-Jill

Randy Taylor: [to Sir Larry] Hey, you're great! I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party!

Sir Larry Houdini: Ahhh, lovely little girl.

Randy Taylor: Chris is a boy.

Sir Larry Houdini: Strange little boy.

Wilson: Tim, are you familiar with the I-Ching?

Tim: Sure. The itching, the scratching, the chafing. That's why I switched to boxers, my friend.

Wilson: No... No, actually, the I-Ching is the ancient book of Chinese wisdom. You ask a question about your life, and then you toss these coins, and you try to divine the answer from the book.

[later]

Wilson: You know as Longfellow says, a torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words can bruise the heart of a child.

Tim: Do you think I should have a talk with Harry?

Wilson: Well, let's see what the I-Ching says. M-m, hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-m hm-mmm-mm. Yes, it says the situation is a microcosm juxtaposed against and created by the macrocosm of the universe. And there my neighbor, you have your answer.

Jill: [about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?
Tim: Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?

Tim: There's two different types of pain. Pain and man pain.

Mark: What's man pain?

Tim: Man pain is when you do something stupid.

Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.

Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck.

The Colonel: [aggravated] All right, you didn't like the book. I'm gonna get the boys. We'll be back at 1300 hours.

Tim: What time is that?

The Colonel: It's 1:00. Why is that so difficult for you to understand? Every private in the army gets it by the end of the first day.

Jill: Daddy, I'm sorry I upset you, but...

The Colonel: I'm not upset. IF I WERE UPSET, I'D BE YELLING.

The Colonel: '61 was a vintage year. You should have bought one of those Lincolns when they first came out.

Tim: I would've sir, but I was six.

The Colonel: That's no excuse.

Al: Anyone can do what you do.

Tim: Oh, really? You think you could do what I do?

Al: Oh, please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time?

Tim: A lot harder than it looks.

Tim: If I ever said it was hard living with you, just say one word, 'Al'.

Jill: It's that bad, huh?

Tim: His mother recorded his whole life on video tape. Last night it was three hours of Muskie Fishing With Uncle Phil. Did you know that in the seventh grade he built a replica of the Washington Monument out of Popsicle sticks?

Jill: Lot's of kids do stuff like that.

Tim: It was life-sized.

Jill: I am so glad that I didn't let anybody talk me out of marrying you.

Tim: Who tried to talk you out of marrying me?

Jill: Oh no one, you know, my mom, my dad, my sisters, my cousins, the minister, the post man, some guy down at the mail box, you know, oh and Sheila, who said to me, 'Don't marry him, I know a loser when I see one'.

Tim: Good thing she was wrong.

Jill: Who said she was wrong?

Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.
Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.
Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

Jill: [to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!
Tim: Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!

[Tim wants to remodel the bathroom, on Tool Time.]

Tim: ...Let me do this for you.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Jill: Will Al be here?
Tim: I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assist me.
Jill: Yeah, I know. Will he be here?
Tim: Probably, yes.
Jill[getting excited]: And I can have anything I want?
Tim: Anything you want!
Jill: Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?
Tim: Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!

[Jill falls apart laughing.]

Jill (about Tim's kilt): Hey, you look great.
Tim: You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

Tim: [after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

Jill(indicating Randy's flashy robes): This is Randy's costume, he's playing the innkeeper.
Tim: And where are Mary and Joseph staying this year, Ceasar's Palace!?

Jill: [as the boys prepare to go to school] If you miss that bus, you'll be in big trouble!
Tim: Trouble already? Boys, pace yourselves, you've got all day to be evil. You don't wanna peak too soon.

Jill: Are you saying the car's not working?
Tim: We now own a 350-horsepower, 4-door, BOULDER!
Jill: So I can't drive it?
Tim: Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!

Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!
Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

Tim: Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?
Brad & Randy: No.

Jill: I thought if there was a problem with the car, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
Tim: A buzzer!? It's a car, not a game show!

Jill: If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.
Tim: Now you're talking.

Jill: Wilson, do you think humans are more important than machines?

Wilson: Without a doubt. Although, I am awfully fond of my waffle maker.

Jill: Well could you please tell that to the knucklehead I'm married to?

Wilson: Oh, he knows. He's had my waffles.

Tim: What about you, Wilson? What are you afraid of?

Wilson: I do have one underlying fear, Tim—I'm afraid that reality, as we know it, is someone else's dream. When the dreamer wakes, I'll no longer exist.

Tim: ...Wilson, I wouldn't share that with too many people.

Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put in the wrong tiling, we've got a cement...

Jill Taylor: [suddenly seeing her new whirlpool bath] Oh, wow, wow, what's this?

Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool.

Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color; it's perfect.

Tim Taylor: Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds—low, medium and 'who needs a man?'

Tim: I go to the opera with you.

Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim: Didn't we just see Le Robocop?

Brad:
[while fly fishing] Hey Wilson, can you show us how to do that forward cast?

Wilson:
Certianly Brad, you start at one o'clock and you end up at ten o'clock.

Mark:
[as Tim does it wrong] Dad he said ten o'clock.

Tim:
I didn't know he ment ten o'clock eastern time.

Jill Taylor:
What if Papa Mia doesn't care?

Tim:
Maybe we can talk to his wife.

Jill Taylor:
Mama Mia?

Al:
I remember my first Christmas rebellion: I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing 'Oh, Tannenbaum'.

Tim:
Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland.

[to Jill]

Tim:
Are you all right?

Al:
Yeah I'm okay. It was a long time ago.

Tim:
[to Jill] I meant, are YOU okay?

Jill: Why do they call it a monkey wrench?
Tim: They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.

Brad: Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?
Tim: You bet!
Jill: No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.
Brad: Aww, man
Tim: No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.
Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Want to help?
Randy: No.
Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?
Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Tim Taylor: I like to create, Wilson. Everything I do, I wanna make bigger and better.

Tim': Are you insinuating this is my fault?
Jill: I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.

Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

Tim: Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.

Eddie: [after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.
Tim: Where are they now?
Eddie: On a window sill.
Tim: You didn't throw them out?
Eddie: What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

Tim:
Okay, brainiac, who sang, "Play That Funky Music"?

Jill:
Wild Cherry, also 1976. Released on the epic label.

Tim:
Come on.

Jill:
"Come On", Tony Row, 1964.

Tim:
Stop!

Jill:
"... In The Name of Love". The Supremes, 1965.

Tim:
[Has just awakened Wilson by throwing a ball at his door] Wilson, have you ever had a really annoying neighbor?

Wilson:
[after a pause] Tim is this a trick question?

Dolores:
[while Tim is having an important discussion with Bud] You have your choice of bacon or sausage.

Tim:
Sausage.

Dolores:
Links or patties?

Tim:
Links.

Dolores:
Mild or spicey?

Tim:
JUST SURPRISE ME!

Tim: I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?

Tim:
Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this.

Brad:
Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.

Al:
[after Tim has fallen through the ice] You know, Tim, I was hoping that on this trip we would be able to talk on a more personal level.

Tim:
Personal? How much more personal can it get, I'm wearing your underwear.

Al:
Well, I was hoping that we could talk about our hopes, our dreams and fears...

[pause as Tim reaches into the pocket of his wet jeans and realizes that he has lost the car keys]

Al:
Tell me you didn't lose the car keys.

Tim:
I hope I didn't, but I fear I did. You want to go and look, I've already been in.

Al:
I tell you, the holidays come quicker every year.

Harry:
Yeah, I know. I just got over July Fourth and now it's Thanksgiving. [Tim enters abruptly, carrying a giant cardboard reindeer head] Oh, that was fast, now it's Christmas.

Marty Taylor:
[looking for a job] Here's one: work long hours and on weekends with low pay.

Harry:
I already have that job.

Al:
Now, if you want to go the sophisticated route...

Tim:
You might wanna watch [in sophisticated voice] Masterpiece Tool Time, with your host, Alastaire Borland.

Al:
Would that be an English accent?

[Tim just had yet another technical difficulty]

Tim Taylor:
Just a crossed wire.

Jill Taylor:
That's what it's gonna say on your tombstone.

[repeated line]

Tim:
[as car alarm] Back away, flannel man. Back away, flannel man.

Marty Taylor:
I'm off to the job interview; wish me luck.

Tim Taylor:
You don't need luck; you're a Taylor.

Jill Taylor:
That's right; you need directions.

Tim Taylor:
Brad, don't forget my car's in the shop. So I'm gonna take your car and drop you guys off at school.

Bradley Michael Taylor:
Wait, what makes you think you can just take my car just like that?

Tim Taylor:
Because I paid for half of it "just like that."

Tim:
My pneumatic dry-wall stilts.

Al:
Pneumatic dry-wall stilts?

Tim:
Is there an echo in the building?

You know why I like tools? Because they fix things—you tear down a motor, see the problem, it's right there—boom; it's fixed. I wish I could fix things between us that easily.

— Tim Taylor

Tim:
Looks to me like the hamster fell off the wheel.

Tim Taylor:
My son has been having a little trouble with your boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
The bishop?

Tim Taylor:
No, THE boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
Springsteen?

Tim Taylor:
HIS boss.

Rev. Mike Webber:
[finally realizing] Oh...

Tim:
[after unsuccessfully breaking a block of wood with his head] B-Binford Tools. Messages. We have 'em.

Al:
We'll be right back.

Tim:
Hey Al, we need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. You wanna join us?

Al:
I haven't played in about ten years.

Tim:
Perfect.

Tim-Didn't we have a class together in this room, Jill?
Jill-Yeah, I got my first A in it.
Mark-What did you get, dad?
Tim-A lot of sleep.

God bless you always!!!

Holly

P.S. That is from the season five episode when Tim gets his PHD. :D :D :D

Wilson:
What I'm trying to say is that most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin.

Tim:
So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't going to cure this problem, eh?

Wilson:
No, Tim. The only way to get rid of a wart is to go below the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root.

Tim:
I see. Thanks. And Wilson, this is - bar none - the most disgusting conversation we've ever had.

Tim Taylor:
I don't think you realize that I worked two hours on this sink!

Jill Taylor:
But I worked two hours on this sink before you did.

Tim Taylor:
Worked? You just threw tools down there.

Tim:
Before you say something, let me say something: don't say something.

Tim:
Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this.

Brad:
Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.

Brad Taylor:
What are you doing in here? You're supposed to be downstairs helping me get finished dusting.

Randy Taylor:
I'm just up here tellin' Mom a joke. I'm being a *good* son.

Tim:
[Has signed an autograph for a fan] All right, there you go.

Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw:
Could you put my last name too?

Tim:
Well you know, my wife is due back...

Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw:
Kiki Von Fursterwallenscheinlaw.

Tim:
[about a hotel room] The bed was like sleeping on a bag of rocks.

Jill:
And the room was so small.

Tim:
Small? It was so small the mice were hunchback. It was so small that when I put my key through the door it went out the window. It was so small all you could order was condenced milk. I had a folding toothbrush. It was so small there was no room for complaint.

Brad:
[shouts] Randy!

Randy:
Yeah?

Brad:
It's all over school about what Jason said about your girl hands; but don't worry, I stood up for you!

Jill:
Good for you, Brad!

Brad:
Yeah, I got you something to make you feel better.

Randy:
What is it?

Brad:
Passion-pink fingernail polish!

[Brad runs off laughing hysterically]

Randy:
[chasing Brad] You meany!

Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

Al: I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.
Tim: Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.
Lisa: Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight

(First line of the series.)
Lisa: "...Tim the Tool Man Taylor!"

Tim: "Morning, AL."
AL: "Morning, Tim."

Tim: "Hey, I smell voltage."

Tim: (to Jill)"You split my sides, you really do."

Jill: (to Tim)"Every time you fix something, the fire department shows up."

Tim: "Mark, get your brothers. We're off to Sears."

Stu Cutler:
[trying to make a joke with Al] Nice beard - had chili for lunch, huh?

Al Borland:
[oblivious to the attempted humor] No, I didn't, Stu.

Stu Cutler:
[again trying to kid around]... So - gotta work with this jerk, huh, Al?

Al Borland:
Yes, I do, Stu... Well, it was nice meeting you.

Stu Cutler:
[as Al walks away] Uh, great sense of humor!

Al Borland:
Thank you.

Tim: "It's tulip time in Beijing."

Wilson: "...alas, it comes down to gas."

Tim: "What's shakin'?"
Wilson: "His entire body."

Tim: "Try to find an English mechanic if you can!"

Tim: "Ah, to be young again."

Randy: "Hey, you lost Wilson's niece?"

“Jill Taylor: [the family's out camping and Tim just got back from the car] Oh thank God, I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.

Tim Taylor: Oh, that was me. Couldn't find any leaves, had to use a pine cone.”

Al: "And a storefront in under a minute."

Tim: "And remember, if it doesn't say 'Binford' on it, somebody else probably made it."

Pete: "Yeah, Dwayne spent 9 years takin' 12th grade math."

Heidi: "Mr. Binford died."
Al: "Binford died?"
Heidi: "Yeah. He had a heart attack this morning."

Al: "How did he sound?"
Tim: "Alive."

Tim: "What am I gonna do, cry in my beer?"

Tim: "Next stop, Tool Heaven."

Brad: "Dad, guys don't cry."

Wilson: "You know, the shedding of tears is just one way that people mourn."

Tim: "Talk about guts."

Tim: "John Binford was the greatest guy in the world to me."

Tim: "I Just don't know how to mourn for John Binford."

Al: "If I didn't let my feelings out, Tim, I wouldn't be the man I am today."

Jill: "He cried more than the window."

(Last lines of the series.)
Jill: "I didn't know a tugboat could go this fast."
Tim: "It can if it's got more power."

“Tim: I go to the opera with you.

Jill: Oh, once. I've sat through three Rambo movies. When was the last time you took me to a foreign film?

Tim: Didn't we just see Le Robocop?”

(First line of the series.)
Tim: "Guys... My show's on. Come on and watch!"

Tim: We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.
Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.
Tim: It's not that big a job; it's a small job.
Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.
Tim: I'd give you free tickets!

Wes Davidson: "The hair's off limits, Taylor."
Tim: "It's off your scalp too."

Jill: (to her sons)"...you're just like pirahnas in blue jeans."

Randy: "You're always thinkin', Mom."

Tim: "This is an inferior tool."

Tim: "He doesn't care about quality the way I do."

Jill: "You think he's a weasel."
Tim: "I don't have a problem with that."

Wilson: "...when it's a question of integrity, there are no easy answers."

Al:"I never walk away from a tool in need."

Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
Tim: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"
Jill: You're thinking of tonight.