Post your favorite quotes & lines from The Beverly Hillbillies.



Jed Clampett talking about Jethro: "If brains was lard, that boy wouldn't have enough to grease a skillet."

Jane Hathaway: "Now, Chief, in all fairness to the employees, you do not display much holiday spirit."

Mr. Drysdale: "What do they want from me? I gave them half a day off on Christmas!"

Shorty Kellems : "You was the wildest girl-chasin'est rascal in the whole county."

Jed Clampett : "I was not!"

Shorty Kellems : "Somebody in our crowd was."

Jed Clampett : "How about you?"

Shorty Kellems : "That's who it was!"

I like this, stolen from user Treky, from a third season episode, where the Clampetts are in a fancy BH jewelry store:

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."

^ Yeah Granny has some great lines.

Granny: "Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again."

Jed Clampett: "Elly May carries herself proud with her shoulders throwed back."

Granny: "It ain't her shoulders that have been poppin' these buttons."

Cousin Pearl: "Jethro, tell your Uncle Jed why there ain't no snow in California."

Jethro: "Don't look at me, I didn't take it!"

Granny: "Politicians are a rich man's tool."

(Mr. Drysdale to Miss Jane)

Milburn Drysdale: "When I give my word, I expect you to keep it."

Pearl: "Jed, you're a millionaire! A MILLION-AIRE!"
Jed: "Yea, thets what thet Mr. Brewster kep' sayin'. Ah didn't quite know how ta take it."

I like this, stolen from user Treky, from a third season episode, where the Clampetts are in a fancy BH jewelry store:

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."
you beat me to it; I was gonna post that!:lol:

Miss Jane: "When the other little kids played hide and seek, Little Milby started his first business."

Mr. Drysdale: "Every kid had a lemonade stand."

Miss Jane: "He opened a pawn shop!"

Jed: "Elly May, you just about the prettiest thing the Lord ever put together."

Jane Hathaway: When the other little kids played hide and seek, Little Milby started his first business.

Milburn Drysdale: Every kid had a lemonade stand.

Jane Hathaway: He opened a pawn shop

Colonel Blake: "You say he's had 12 years of schooling?"
Jed: "Clean through the 6th grade."
Colonel Blake: "I see, 12 years, 6th grade, but he was the highest in his class?"
Jed: "By a good 2 feet."

Col. Blake was on MASH; not BH

http://cdn.quotesgram.com/img/57/78/1747266192-californee.jpg

Col. Blake was on MASH; not BH

I think you're confusing the two different Col Blake's.
There was a Col. Blake on season 5 of the Beverly Hillbillies. He was played by Lyle Talbot. So it's a totally different character than the one from M.A.S.H.

A Jed Clampett quote from Home For Christmas. The Clampetts take their first plane trip.

Jane Hathaway: If you would only display a little generosity: a Christmas bonus, a few gifts!

Milburn Drysdale: I refuse to commercialize Christmas just to kowtow to my pampered employees.

Miss Jane: "I'm afraid I don't understand Granny's measurements for this recipe."

Jed: “A smidgen is just a teeeenie, little bit…

3 smidgens make one pinch

4 pinches equals one little bit

4 little bits equal one midlin’ amount

3 midlin’ amounts equal one right smart and it takes 5 right smarts to make a whole heap.”

Jed Clampett: "That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day."

Granny talking to Jed about Jethro:

Granny: "He couldn't pour sand out of his shoe if the instructions were rit on the heel."

Jed and Granny talking about Jethro:

Jed: That boy is smarter than he looks.

Granny: He'd just about have to be.

"Granny: Elly May done popped the buttons off her shirt again.
Jed Clampett: Elly May carries herself proud with her shoulders throwed back.
Granny: It ain't her shoulders that have been poppin' these buttons."

Granny has announced that she'll be performing a head transplant.

Granny, to Jethro: "Take two aspirin... And wash your neck."

"Jed Clampett: [On Jethro's intelligence, or lack thereof] If brains was lard, that boy wouldn't have enough to grease a skillet."

(After kissing Dash Riprock for the first time)

Elly May: "Pa was right, you're more fun than Elmer."

"Jed Clampett: Boy, I'm gonna give you 24 hours to clean up all this mess.
Jethro: Aw come on, Uncle Jed. I'm gonna clean up. I'm gonna set this world on fire!
Jed Clampett: You're gonna clean up alright. Everything. Or you're gonna end up with the seat of your britches on fire."

A Granny quote:

https://i.pinimg.com/564x/cd/04/d5/cd04d5a2d5f2925793518d6b33f7439e.jpg

Granny & Jed quote/lines:

Milburn Drysdale: Miss Hathaway, are you responsible for the employees of this bank referring to me as Ebeneezer Scrooge?
Jane Hathaway: No, why do you ask?
Milburn Drysdale: When I came through the lobby just now they all chanted in unison 'Here come da Scrooge! Here come da Scrooge!

A Granny quote:

Another Granny quote:

Granny: And how do we do that, Mr. Sixth-Grade Graduate?

A Granny quote:

Jed Clampett: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.
Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!
Jed Clampett: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.

Mr. Drysdale & Jed line/quotes:

Jed Clampett: What do you think Pearl? You think I oughta move?

Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you. You live eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, and bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light. You cook on a wood stove, summer and winter. You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, and washin' with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!?

Jed Clampett: [ponders all this] Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

Jed Clampett: What do you think Pearl? You think I oughta move?

Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you. You live eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, and bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light. You cook on a wood stove, summer and winter. You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, and washin' with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!?

Jed Clampett: [ponders all this] Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

Granny: Boltin' Beauregard! What happened to you? Got caught in a barbed-wire fence runnin' from the battle?
Milburn Drysdale: Granny, I was executing a fast flanking maneuver.
Granny: That's true. You got the fastest-movin' flanks I ever seen.

Jane Hathaway: Maria, tell me more about your frightening experience with Jethro.

Marie: Well, there was a knock, I opened the door, and Jethro just swept me up into his big strong arms, held me tight and wouldn't let me go.

Jane Hathaway: And he said that was feuding?

Marie: Yes, that's why I was afraid to open the door right now.

Jane Hathaway: You've been through a shattering ordeal. Go and lie down... I'll watch the front door.

Miss Jane: "I must say it's inspirational how you found a place for the Clampetts right nextdoor to your own."

Mr. Drysdale: "The people who lived there were my best friends and neighbors for over 20 years. I'm really going to miss them."

Miss Jane: "It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy and had to sell the place."

Mr. Drysdale: "I know. I'd hate to think that my phone call to the IRS had anything to do with it."

Lafe Crick: Now, no more a' this chasin' after other girls. Can't no boy love TWO girls.

A Granny quote:

Jane Hathaway: When the other little kids played hide and seek, Little Milby started his first business.

Elly May quote to cousin Roy:

Jed Clampett: [Jethro has decided that he'd like to become a Bullfighter, and has asked Jed if they can get a bull, so he can practice. Jed presents the idea to Granny] Granny, I got a idea. Let's get us a bull.

Granny: What?

Jed Clampett: Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.

Granny: But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!

Jed Clampett: Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.

Granny: Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt?

Jed Clampett: Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself.

Granny: Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it!

Jed Clampett: This way, he can do both!

Granny:

A Jed quote:

Milburn Drysdale: When I give my word, I expect you to keep it.

Too many!

I recall the season 4 Possum Day episode where Ms Hathaway utters the best-ever rendition of "CHIEF!!!!"

Season 5 with Granny's Complaint - I may as well do a transcript of 90% of the episode as it had me rolling...

Season 6 with the hippies where she and Jethro talk about smoking crawdads led to a glorious misunderstanding, but later in the episode when she confronts a police officer, she has no clue about illegal substances so when she says something like "I like to smoke crawdads but first I need a little pot" - it just does NOT get any better than that!

The "Little Milby's pawn shop" was already brought up...

I suspect the season 1 episode where Elly uses a bra as a double-barreled slingshot probably was brought up a couple of times as well...

The show's 9 year run is loaded with tons of great material, performed by a perfect ensemble of actors. Lightning captured in a bottle and the show still had life left to it by 1971...

Jed Clampett: (to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale) That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.

Jed & Granny:

Jed Clampett: (to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale) That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.

Jed said that to Mr. Brewster in the pilot; not Mr. Drysdale (at least I think)

Jed Clampett:
Howdy ma'am, I see you've come for a refill. Step right in. Granny, lady here needs some more tonic.

Countess Maria:
You know, I think I'm in love with you.

Jed Clampett:
Never mind Granny, she's had enough.

Miss Jane & Jethro:

Jane Hathaway: Most places do something for their employees at this time of year.

Milburn Drysdale: Well, I've given them Christmas Day off.

Jane Hathaway: Chief, most banks even give a holiday bonus.

Milburn Drysdale: I've already thought of that.

Jane Hathaway: You have?

Milburn Drysdale: Just this morning I said to myself, 'Milburn, you've got to give those loyal employees of yours a Christmas bonus.'

Jane Hathaway: But, Chief, that's extraordinary!

Milburn Drysdale: I thought so, too. Fortunately, a cold shower brought me to my senses.

Jed & Granny:

Jed Clampett: When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice!

Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!

Jed:

Jed Clampett: (to an obviously revolted Mr. Drysdale) That's the thing about salted down possum, it's just as good the second day.

that wasn't M. Drysdale it was Mr. Brewster in a scene in the pilot.

that wasn't M. Drysdale it was Mr. Brewster in a scene in the pilot.

Whoops.

Jed and Elly:

Jed Clampett:
You hadn't ought to be ashamed of your Pa.

Justin Addison:
Ashamed of him? Why Dad was an MIT PHD.

Mr. Drysdale:

Granny:
What?

Jed Clampett:
Now, hear me out. We been wantin' to have a good ol' fashioned barbecue.

Granny:
But, Jethro'll go to fightin' it!

Jed Clampett:
Not for long. 'Pears to me they ain't nothin' a man can get his fill of, faster, than scrappin' with a bull.

Granny:
Ain'tcha afraid he'll git hurt?

Jed Clampett:
Nahh. A good stout bull can take care o' hisself.

Granny:
Well, if there's one thing Jethro'd like better than fightin' it, it'd be eatin' it!

Jed Clampett:
This way, he can do both!

Jed & Elly:

Elly May Clampett:
Pa come quick! Granny's sinkin' fast!

Jed Clampett:
What?

Elly May Clampett:
She's took to bed with double pneumonie and pond water poisonin'!

Jed Clampett:
Why she never even got good and wet afore I got her outa that pond.

Elly May Clampett:
Well come on Pa, she's about to breathe her last!

Jed Clampett:
Granny's just tryin' to get back at me fer spoilin' her scrap with Mrs. Drysdale.

Granny: "Hot smoke and sassafras, Jethro, can't you do anything right?"

Daisy Moses:
Crazy family, murdering grandmother, bloodthirsty ghost!

Mr. Drysdale:

Geologist:
Mr. Clampett, you're a very rich man!

Jed Clampett:
How big a rock did you bean him with?

Elly May Clampett:
No bigger than a hedge apple.

Jed: "I don't think this is snow at all."
Elly: "It ain't cold and it don't melt."
Jethro: "Why, I'll bet you this is what they call 'artificial snow'."

Granny: "Don't even know how to snow out here."

Jed & Elly:

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/21/18/3f/21183fc4b4bd5c8c52ec54e52284452c.png

Jed and Jethro:

Emaline Fetty:
The goo in the slew gets mainly in your shoe.

Jed & Elly:

Granny & Jed:

Cousin Pearl Bodine:
Jethro, tell your Uncle Jed why there ain't no snow in California.

Jethro:
Don't look at me, I didn't take it!

Jed & Jethro:

Jethro: (Jed and Jehtro are discussing a "fast" girl back in the hills) Uncle Jed, she handed me a big old sugar cookie, looked at me and said, "Jehtro, if you had a choice between that cookie and me, which one would you take". Uncle Jed, that's when I found out just how fast she was! (Jed leans in close to hear the rest of the story)

Jethro: I had to run nearly a mile to get away from her with that cookie!

Jed Clampett: (Disgusted) Jethro, some day me and you got to have a long talk.

(First line of the series.)
Jed: "Well, come on. Let's find that house we bought."

Mr. Pinckney:
This is outrageous, placing me at the mercy of a kangaroo court.

Milburn Drysdale:
Relax, here's a tranquilizer for you. [hands Mr. Pinckney a check for $1000]

Mrs. Drysdale: "Look what this lye soap has done to my hands."

Granny: "Yeah, they is nice and pink and rosy, ain't they."

Mrs. Drysdale: "Raw, raw, raw!"

Granny: "I don't blame you for cheerin'."

Granny:

Granny & Elly:

https://i.postimg.cc/nhcDCdXS/adefa24e644e200d292df8e71a128479.jpg

Granny: "How can Jethro tell the fortune? Most of the time he can't see where he's been."

John Brewster : I think you may have a wrong idea about Beverly Hills.
Jed Clampett : Is that where you live?
John Brewster : No, my home is in Tulsa.
Jed Clampett : Well say, maybe you could get us a place there in your neighborhood.
John Brewster : Mr. Clampett, let's not beat around the bush. You will love Beverly Hills.

Jed: "Welllll, doggy."

[courtesy quotes dot net:]

Jed: You hadn’t ought to be ashamed of your pa.
Justin Addison: Ashamed of him? Why Dad was an MIT PHD.
Jed: You don’t need to spell it out. I heard ugly words before.

cd

Milburn Drysdale: "Isn't life weird?"

Jed: "A man never forgets his first love, Pearl."

Pearl: "Jethro, you're makin' me old before my time."

Louise: "I hear they start very young in those hills."

Louise: "Well, back to the beauty shop."

Jed: "That's Lester and Earl, all right."

(Speaking to Milburn Drysdale.)
Margaret Drysdale: "Oh, you don't understand such things as this class war. You're of common birth. But, we as the aristocracy have always had to feel the hostility of peasants."

Jethro-after mistaking San Francisco for London-"How do you like that? We darn overshot England and landed in Spain!".

Emma Poke: "I'll be switched."

Milburn: "What in the name of Conrad Hilton...?"

Jed: "Bought and paid fer."

Jed is showing Mr. Brewster Jethro's old crib, where he had chewed through the wooden slats. "He was born with a full set of teeth, like a beaver".

Funny, Jethro isn't my favorite character by any means, but my favorite two lines involve him. The other is when some investment friends of Mr. Drysdale think the Clampetts are a family of geniuses. They look at some of the "ciphering" Jethro had been doing at the kitchen table and conclude he's a genius. "He's invented a new kind of math. Two plus two equals five to him".

Saw this one the other night:

"My cookies!" Elly suddenly remembers she forgot about her cookies, and runs into the kitchen. Jed follows her.

Jed picks up a cookie off the baking sheet. He says "It's too late, they're burnt black and hard as rocks". Elly says:
"I haven't put them in the oven yet".

I get a kick of granny with description of odd ball people as GOOMERS

Jethro: "What pink socks?! Them's my feet!"

Jethro: "What pink socks?! Them's my feet!"
That was after he was pushing the Hillbilly-Mobile through town while Granny steered, IIRC. He was breaking with his feet and burned his shoes off, I believe.

Granny was telling Jed that the big movie stars would want to have her lye soap for its beauty benefits. Elly May walks in.

Granny: "Elly, tell your pa why my skin looks the way it does today"
Elly: "I suppose it's cuz you've been out in the sun and the wind too long"

Granny was telling Jed that the big movie stars would want to have her lye soap for its beauty benefits. Elly May walks in.

Granny: "Elly, tell your pa why my skin looks the way it does today"
Elly: "I suppose it's cuz you've been out in the sun and the wind too long"

Milburn: (to Jane)"I, personally, am going to spend the nesxt few nights at the Clampetts'."

Jed: "You can stay up as long as you like, Mr. Drysdale. Eight, nine o'clock if you want."

Granny: "I still say that ain't hill country shootin'."

Jed: (to Jethro)"We don't hold with havin' slaves, boy."
Granny: "That's right! We fought a war to make them Yankees give up that foolishness."
Jethro: "Granny, you sure do get things twisted."

Granny: "It's a sea serpent, straight from the River Styx."

Jane: "You are a true patriot, Mr. Clampett."
Jed: "Thank you."

Granny: "Eat your heart out, Jack Daniels."

Unfortunately this one takes a bit of setup explanation, but I thought it was a funny line, so here goes:

Jethro rented out the fifth floor of the bank to be a Hollywood agent. But he couldn't pay the rent so Jed took over the floor so granny could do doctoring, he could do wood working, etc. Jethro stormed out and said he would do business in their mansion.

Meanwhile Mr. Armstrong, a building inspector, wants to know what's going on because Elly May was walking around with a sign saying "Follow me to the fifth floor of the Commerce Bank". Mr. Drysdale tells him that Elly had a nervous breakdown because Jethro was going to make her a star, but he threw himself out the window and died. He explained Elly was delusional and thought he was alive.

Mr. Armstrong goes up to the fifth floor and is pleased that Elly has excepted Jethro's death now because she says "He's gone to the mansion, he's up there with the stars". But later Jethro phones her complaining there are no stars at the mansion, so he's coming back to the bank. So Elly tells everyone she has good news, "Jethro is coming back". Leading to this exchange:

Armstrong: You mean you actually heard Jethro's voice?
Elly: Well he called me and I heard him!
Granny: I always believed he'd come back here.
Elly: He said he was awful lonesome up there.
Armstrong: Lonesome? Up there among the stars?
Elly: Well, he said there wasn't nobody from Hollywood up there at all.


Sorry so long. Thought it was a nice little dig at Hollywood though.

Granny: "You've got all the warm family spirit of a black widow spider."

(Paraphrasing)

Jane: There are plenty of obstetricians in Beverly Hills.
Jed: (pause) Hmmm, pretty set in their ways, eh?

cd

Pearl: "It does take a special knack, yodelin' does."

Elly: "Folks is a lot harder to handle than critters, Pa."

Jane: "Well, I -- suppose that's part of his charm."

Elly: "Boy. Pearl's get them dogs to howlin' again."

Jethro: "I'm as empty as last year's birds nest."

Jed: "He did bring excitement to meal time."

Jethro had taken to dressing as a four star general, then got into an argument with Granny so Granny wouldn't fix him breakfast. He went to a nearby Air Force base to eat.

Mr. Drysdale: Where's Jethro?
Elly May: Oh, he went out to the Air Force base for breakfast and didn't come back.
Granny: Yeah. They probably never tried to feed a four stomach general before.

Jed: "Must be a mighty big lock on this town."

Granny: "Biggest I ever seen!"

Granny: "He couldn't scare anybody into this place with a ________ shotgun."

Jethro: "Well, if that don't sound like a bunch of back country apple knockers talkin'."

Jane: "Oh, you gave him the business alright."

Milburn: "This could drive a man to philanthropy."

Mrs. Vanderport: "Well, I must say, your love for money borders on the psychotic."

Jane: "Even computers make mistakes."

Jed: "The word of a Clampett is good enough for me."

Milburn: "The corporation's just a formality for tax purposes."

Margaret: (to Milburn)"You are obsessed with money."

Virginia Jennings: "Tobacco Road on Crestview Drive."

Jethro: "...I'll be right back."
Sebastian Stromboli: "Just like radishes."

Stromboli: "He doesn't need a teacher, he needs a trainer."

Jethro: (to Strmboli)"I think it'd be a lot safer if you took a taxi."

Jed: "Granny I do believe he's got promise!"

Jed: "I look like a durn fool."

(last line of the series.)
Milburn: (to Dirk)"You better believe I mean it. You come with me."

Jed: "You can only push nature so far."

Granny:"Pasadena berries."

Granny: "If there's one thing I can't abide, it's a pushy chicken!"

Granny: "...corn starch to ease the sting of the lye soap."

Granny: (to Jethro)"Let Elly cook you somethin!"
Jethro: "I can wait."

Jethro: "Dial it? Put mustard on it and I'll eat it!"

Uncle Joe: "That woman's as citified as Newt Kiley's pig."

Granny: "You can't drive across the Grand Canyon."

Jane: "I made the mistake of asking Granny that same question."

Milburn: "Not unless there's money in it."

Jane: "I've heard of coffee breaks before, but champagne breaks?"

Jed Clampett: When Mrs. Drysdale gets home she's gonna call the PO-lice!
Jethro: No she won't. I gnawed the stump so it'd look like a BEAVER done it!

Jed: "Granny's so proud of it, she feels like it's her own."

Granny: "Cutest little general store you ever did see."

Margaret: "As far as I'm concerned, you can all...


Jed: "Sorry about your door, Mr. Drysdale. But when Granny's ready to go she's ready to go."

Granny: "I put lots of wolf bane in it."

Jane: "A handsome Hollywood agent can be seen driving an old wreck through town."

Jed: "Granny's so proud of it, she feels like it's her own."

Granny: "Cutest little general store you ever did see."

Margaret: "As far as I'm concerned, you can all..."



Jed: "Sorry about your door, Mr. Drysdale. But when Granny's ready to go she's ready to go."

Granny: "I put lots of wolf bane in it."

Jane: "A handsome Hollywood agent can be seen driving an old wreck through town."

Milburn: (to Jan)"You help me or your goose is cooked!"

Eb Dawson: "Boy, this is the first time I ever opened a bank vault."

Granny: (to Joe Carson)"Durned if you ain't as bad as Jethro."

Eb: (sees Elly)"Woww! Who's she?"

Uncle Joe: "Mister Clampett, will you say grace?"
Jed: "I'd be proud to."

Jed: "If that don't take the ham off the hog."

Jed: "It's a good thing that girl is pretty; her cooking is pitiful."

Milburn: "Marriages like that are made in Fort Knox."

Dr. Twombly: "It's so good to feel needed."

Jed: "...nobody plows a deeper rut than Pearl."

Jed: "By doggies that's droppin' a rusty bucket down my well."

Jed: (to Dr. Twombly)"...I got a daughter, Elly May. And I catch you makin' one move in her direction, you're gonna find yourself weighin' about three bullets heavier."

Dr. Twombly: "...'bye, folks. It's been weird."
..

Jed Clampett: [bounces a golf ball on the kitchen table, thinking it's a golf egg] Strictly speakin', I don't think these are fresh laid.

Jed & Miss Jane discussing baby care….

Jane: There are plenty of obstetricians in Beverly Hills.
Jed: Hmmmm, pretty set in their ways, eh?

cd

Milburn Drysdale: When I give my word, I expect you to keep it.