Oliver: "There's something wrong with the carburetor."
Eb: "Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it."

Oliver: "But he couldn't be dead."

Fred Ziffel: "Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral."

Oliver: "Are you sure?"

Fred Ziffel: "I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one."

Lisa: "When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor."

Oliver: "Who?"

Lisa Douglas: "Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him."

Ralph Monroe: "My lips are sealed."

Hank Kimball: "Now if we could only keep them that way."

Ralph Monroe: "If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!"

Oliver: "Eb, why don't you pull up the weeds that are growing in the wheat."

Eb: "Can't I just pull up the wheat? There ain't as much of that."

Let's not forget the ever present exclamation in the first year in both Green Acres and Petticoat Junction whenever the Douglas' said where they were living.
Various Characters, at once or individually:
"The HANEY PLACE?'

Eb Dawson: "Boy, you sure are ruining my love life. In our civilization a fella without wheels is nowhere."

Oliver: "Eb, even with wheels you're nowhere."

Oliver: "You mallet head!"

Oliver Wendell Douglass: [after watching a "conversation" between Lisa and an oinking Arnold] How can you carry on a conversation with him? I can't understand a thing he's saying!

Lisa Douglas: That's because you don't LISTEN!

Lisa: (to Oliver)"What do you want?"
Oliver: "Ham and eggs."
Lisa: "We don't have any ham!"
Oliver: "We could have."
(Arnold Ziffel squeals and runs out of the Douglas' house.)
Oliver: "There's a pig who's all chicken."

https://68.media.tumblr.com/2a1cbb95b06d34e8eface0ecda1887a4/tumblr_mond84Urug1r0ufaco1_500.jpg

Lisa: "He was reincarcerated."

A note about this quote: Lisa meant to say "He was reincarnated" instead of what she said.

Eb Dawson: Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe!
Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?

Oliver: (to Eb)"I'M NOT YOUR DAD!"

Sam Drucker: How 'bout a dehydrated chicken?

Oliver Douglas: A dehydrated chicken?

Sam Drucker: Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken.

Oliver Douglas: That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard

Lisa: "Why do you want to irritate your corn?"
Oliver: "Irrigate. It means put water on it."
Lisa: "Won't that irritate it?"

"[the Douglases are looking for clothes to donate to a rummage sale]
Oliver Douglas: Why don't we give away this one?
Lisa Douglas: No that's the dress I graduated from high school in.
Oliver Douglas: How about this one?
Lisa Douglas: That's the dress I wore the first day of college.
Oliver Douglas: [holding a black, low-cut dress] What about this one?
Lisa Douglas: That's the one I got expelled in."

A Ralph Monroe quote:

Eustace Charleton Haney: [as he and Mr. Ziffel are going into Oliver's house] Make sure you wipe yer feet.

Fred Ziffel: You don't ever wipe YOUR feet!

Eustace Charleton Haney: That's 'cause I don't own a pig farm.

How about this one:
Hank Kimble: You're not going to brainwash me.
Oliver: That wouldn't take more than a slightly damp cloth.

TV Kiddie Show Host: Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize!

Oliver Douglas: No, you don't understand, Arnold is a REAL PIG!

TV Kiddie Show Host: I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself!

A Ralph Monroe quote:

Eustace Charleton Haney: [after learning Oliver and Lisa are going to be out of town for a few days] While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door

[Mr. Haney knocks at door]
Lisa: Aren't you going to ask who it is?
Oliver: Okay. [getting tongue tied] Who it is? Er, whose is it? Uh, whose...it is??
Mr. Haney: Ah, that's alright. I'll come back when yer sober.

Oliver: "Is there any mail for me?"

Sam Drucker: [being mad] "I wouldn't know. I had all of your mail re-routed to the Pixley post office."

Oliver Wendell Douglas: "Oh, for the love of - !"

Sam Drucker: "By the way, don't forget to change your zip code. Pixley is 96344821756."

"Lisa Douglas: When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Oliver Douglas: Who?"

Doris & Fred Ziffel quotes/lines:

Eustace Charleton Haney: (as he and Mr. Ziffel are going into Oliver's house) Make sure you wipe yer feet.
Fred Ziffel: You don't ever wipe YOUR feet!
Eustace Charleton Haney: That's 'cause I don't own a pig farm.

Oliver & Lisa quote/lines:

Oliver & TV kiddie show host:

"Mr. Kimball: Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. Did you know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year old child's is?"

Eb: "Notice where Mrs. Ziffel is standing? Under the mistletoe!"
Fred Ziffel: "Why don't you mind your own business."

"[Oliver Wendell Douglas's old tractor has just broken down again]
Oliver Wendell Douglass: There's something wrong with the carburetor.
Eb Dawson: Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it!"

Oliver: "I left the city so I could get away from the insanity of living there. I bought a farm so I could have peace and quiet. What do I end up with? A pig talking to a rock!"

"[the Douglases are looking for clothes to donate to a rummage sale]
Oliver Douglas: Why don't we give away this one?
Lisa Douglas: No that's the dress I graduated from high school in.
Oliver Douglas: How about this one?
Lisa Douglas: That's the dress I wore the first day of college.
Oliver Douglas: [holding a black, low-cut dress] What about this one?
Lisa Douglas: That's the one I got expelled in."

Mr. Drucker: "Call the sheriff!"
Mr. Kimball: "Ok. SHERIFF!!"
Mr. Drucker: "No, on the telephone."

'Call the sheriff.' 'OK. Sheriff.' 'No. On the phone.'
-Sam Drucker Hank Kimball

Haney: "My phone bill's high enough without pigs comin' in here makin' calls"

Lisa Douglas:
Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him.

Ralph Monroe:
My lips are sealed.

Hank Kimball:
Now if we could only keep them that way.

Lisa's catchphrase: "Hotscakes".

.

Eb: Is there any sauerkraut juice left?
Lisa: No, I used it to make the hotcakes.

Lisa Douglas:
In Hungary, they had a wonderful cereal: shredded goulash. You can't get that here.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Thank goodness.

isa Douglas:
Oliver, why is it that every time I say I go back to New York unless you fix up this place, I never go and you never fix it.

Oliver Douglas:
Well, this... it's a privilege to live in a place like this, this is part of America.

Lisa Douglas:
One of the worst parts.

Oliver: "Which hen do you think laid this egg?"
Lisa: "I don't know."
Eb: "Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find out, just look for a square chicken."

Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.
Oliver Douglas: Are you sure?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.

TV Kiddie Show Host:
Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize!

Oliver Douglas:
No, you don't understand, Arnold is a REAL PIG!

TV Kiddie Show Host:
I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself!

Lisa: "Oh. It's that kind of chambers."

Alf Monroe: (to Oliver)"Shoot!"
Oliver: "Don't tempt me."

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[reading card he's selling for Arnold's birthday] "Happy birthday 'o pig oh mine - "

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh pig 'o mine?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
"Hope this finds you well and fine. The joys you brought me all through life...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with the poem!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Oh. That Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote some great stuff.

Oliver, Lisa & Eb:

Sam Drucker:
Call the sheriff.

Hank Kimball:
OK. Sheriff.

Sam Drucker:
No. On the phone.

Eunice Douglas: "Oh, Oliver, you were such a lovely child. What happened to you?"

Eunice: "Tin plates? Eww."

Hank: "Well, it's our job to help people who don't know what they're doing."

Mr. Haney: "Sam carries a fine line of farmin equipment."

Joe: "...and leave the agricultural problems to us experts."

Lisa: "There aren't any caterers here."
Eunice: "Then I'm sunk."

Lisa: "Ladies, wouldn't you like to settle this like gentlemen?"

Eunice: "I'll let you know after I've counted the silver."

Newt Kiley: "That's what I want to know. We're missin Gomer Pyle."

Oliver: "Where was I?"
Newt: "Explainin' why we're missin' Gomer Pyle."

(Oliver Wendell Douglas's old tractor has just broken down again)
Oliver Wendell Douglass: There's something wrong with the carburetor.
Eb Dawson: Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it!

Oliver: "This is Amy Collins. She has a large farm on the other side of the valley."
Eb: "Oh yeah, need a foreman?"
Amy: "I'm afraid not."
Eb: "How about a hired hand?"
Amy: "No!"
Eb: "Want to adopt a son?"

Oliver & Lisa:

Ralph:

Eb: (to Oliver)"Got another roll of tape?"
Oliver: "What for?"
Eb: "The radiator!"
(Oliver says something and kicks the tractor.)

Lisa: "Oliver, if we we want gas, would they have to put in another pole?"

Lisa: "Oliver, the other pole is ringing."

Oliver: "Look, this may come as a shock to you, but Arnold is a real pig!"
TV Kiddie Show Host: "Oh, we found that out when we served the ice cream. He ate ten gallons all by himself; wouldn't let any of the other kids get near it."

Ralph: "Bay rum. Keeps me dainty."

Oliver: "Well, he couldn't be dead."
Fred: "Oh, yes he could; I personally attended the funeral."
Oliver: "You sure?"
Fred: "I don't know what you do in New York. But around here, we don't give a man a funeral unless we are pretty sure he needs one."

With Lisa's visiting pet duck quacking while Arnold the pig was oinking Oliver scoffed at them being able to understand each other to which Lisa replied:

"Of course not. Arnold speaks in English while Lazlo speaks Hungarian!"

Oliver & Eb:

Oliver: "This is like living in the twilight zone."

Eb Dawson:
It's good to see you again.

Mr. Wurthwaxer:
It's good to see you again, too.

Eb Dawson:
I can tell by the blank expression on your face that you don't remember me. I'm Eb Dawson I was in the graduating of '61 '62 '63 '64 and '65!

Mr. Wurthwaxer:
Well, I'm glad you finally got out.

Eb Dawson:
It wasn't easy. I had to go over the wall.

Oliver: "They must think I'm some kind of a nut, trying to get me to believe that Arnold could possibly write a note..."
Lisa: "Well it's his handwriting!"
Oliver: "Oh, come on!"

Lisa & Oliver:

Oliver Douglas:
Why don't you go over and see Mr. Haney and ask him to keep his dog away?

Fred Ziffel:
No, no, no, I don't talk to him.

Doris Ziffel:
No, they've been feuding for ten years.

Oliver Douglas:
What about?

Fred Ziffel:
Oh, I forget. But it must have been something pretty terrible, to make me remember it this long.

Oliver Douglas:
Well, that makes about as much sense as anything that's been said here today.

Fred Ziffel:
Mr. Douglas, now we don't want into sarcasm. What we want is advice.

Lisa: "Weddings always bring out the beautiful in me."

Ralph: "Mother was right. All men are beasts."

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa! When are you going to learn how to cook right?

Lisa Douglas:
Stop yelling!

Oliver Douglas:
I have a right to yell! This...

Lisa Douglas:
One morning you don't get your hotcakes and you turn into be a beast.

Oliver Douglas:
That's not true, I'm more of a beast when I get them!

Oliver and Eb:

An Arnold thought quote:

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, any school child can figure that out in it's head.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, I didn't go to a head-school. The school I went to, all they told me is to count how many carats there are in a diamond. The way you do that: you find a jeweler...

Eb & Oliver:

Lisa Douglas:
Why do you want to irritate your corn?

Oliver Douglas:
Irrigate. It means put water on it.

Lisa Douglas:
Won't that irritate it?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You'll feel better after you've had breakfast.

Lisa Douglas:
Who's going to cook it?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh well, I want to talk to you about that.

Lisa Douglas:
What is there to talk about?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
About who's cooking.

Lisa Douglas:
Darling, when we got married I promised to love, honor and obey. I said nothing about cooking.

Eb: "You only get engaged once."
Lisa: "Who told you that?"

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa! When are you going to learn how to cook right?

Lisa Douglas:
Stop yelling!

Oliver Douglas:
I have a right to yell! This...

Lisa Douglas:
One morning you don't get your hotcakes and you turn into be a beast.

Oliver Douglas:
That's not true, I'm more of a beast when I get them!

Eb Dawson:
[Eb has a meeting with the Hooterville Young Peoples Agricultural Society] I gotta leave. [gets up and walks to the door]

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Bye...

Eb Dawson:
[opens the door but stays in the kitchen] I was hopin' some kind man would lend me his car.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, start walking, maybe you'll meet one on the way.

Eb Dawson:
There ain't none here in the kitchen, huh?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No.

Eb: "... he looked like a stuck traffic signal."

Sam: "Fred, I told ya. I don't carry those aluminum trees anymore."

Oliver: "I'm not turning city."

Hank: "Clogwell's birthday? I thought it was Christmas."

Fred: "I never saw such a chicken pig."

Lisa: "You want me to string some caviar?"

Hank: "... we must've talked for two hours before he fired me."

Oliver: (sarcastically)"That's a lovely piece of philosophy."

Oliver: "Will you keep your big Hungarian nose out of this?"

Alf: "You know how women carpenters are."

Oliver: "He knocked my corn."
Newt: "Ohh, he shouldn't have done that."
Fred: "Yeah, those skinny stalks can't stand much knockin'."

Sam: "Doggone, I don't know what Ralph has, but nobody seems to want it."

Oliver: "She's with me."
Hank: "That's what they all say."

Lisa Douglas:
[making hotcakes] Would you like to turn them?

Mother Eunice Douglas:
[appalled] I've never touched a kitchen utensil in my life!

Lisa Douglas:
Dahling, cooking is fun!

Mother Eunice Douglas:
Oh, poor darling. You've cracked under the strain.

Lisa Douglas:
Mother, why don't you try to make yourself useful.

Mother Eunice Douglas:
Oh, I fully intend to. I'm going to get a court order and have you taken out of here!

Fred:

The Homeowner Mr. Harrison:

Oliver: "Is that what they say in the whole picture?"

Eb: "They don't make pictures like that anymore."
Oliver: "They wouldn't dare."

Eb: "... that's the code of the movies."

Lisa: "You saw the finish. Do you have any questions?"
Oliver: "Yes! Where is the booze?!"

Lisa: "He was reincarcerated."

Eb: "That's the way it is with chicks today; you've got to out think them."

Lisa: "Why don't you talk English? That way, we don't have to use subtitles."

Doris Ziffel:
How's Mrs. Douglas?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well... to tell you the truth, she's a little bored.

Doris Ziffel:
Oh? How long you been living here, now?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Over a year.

Doris Ziffel:
I don't blame her. I started getting bored after I'd been here a week. And I was born here.

Oliver: (yelling)"I'm not burned up!"

Mr. Haney: "Did he take her?"
Hank: "Gee, I don't know. The wind changed."

(Sam Drucker) "How 'bout a dehydrated chicken?"
(Oliver Douglas) "A dehydrated chicken?"
(Sam Drucker) "Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken."
(Oliver Douglas) "That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard."

Eb:

Alf Monroe:

Eb & Oliver:

Oliver Douglas:
Where's your brother?

Alf Monroe:
She's outside.

Ralph Monroe:
[appears in the closet] Yes and I'm not coming in!

Oliver Douglas:
What?

Ralph Monroe:
This place has too many memories! [leaves, close to tears]

Oliver Douglas:
Oh, for the... What's wrong with her?

Ralph Monroe:
She has a calcium deficiency.

Eb: "I don't want to be a second-class member of a third-class family."

Oliver: "Get up!"
Lisa: "What's to get up for?"
Oliver: "If you say that one more..."

Oliver & Lisa:

Mr. Haney:
Now, just take a look at what I got on my truck. Maybe some item will tickle your fancy. That is, if you've got a ticklish fancy. [laughs] Always like to start the dickering with a joke!

Oliver Douglas:
Yeah, well, it's not much of a joke and we are not dickering.

Eb:

Lisa Douglas: When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor.

The Homeowner & Lisa:

Eb Dawson:
[Oliver gives him the plate of butter and unshelled peanuts] Oh boy, my favorite! Do it yourself peanut butter.

Eb:

Doris Ziffel:
Oh, I know: men. First they marry you. Then they want you to make beds, make supper, make bisquits, make jam! They don't want wives, they want makin' machines. Boy, it's tough being a woman.

Lisa Douglas:
It sure is. But I don't know how to do anything else.

Ralph:

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[after learning Oliver and Lisa are going to be out of town for a few days] While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.

Oliver Wendell Douglass:
HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.

Oliver & Lisa:

Eb Dawson:
[rehearsing Jethro's lines] What is Granny going to make for supper tonight?

Lisa Douglas:
[reading Elly May's lines] Breast of pollywog with possum's toes and crawdad turnovers.

Eb Dawson:
Goooooody!

Lisa Douglas:
Why don't you set yourself down on your you all and I will go out to the see-mint pond and catch us a barracuda.

Oliver & Lisa:

Ralph & Oliver:

Ralph & Hank:

TV Kiddie Show Host: Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize!
Oliver Douglas: No, you don't understand, Arnold is a REAL PIG!
TV Kiddie Show Host: I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself!

Oliver & Lisa:

Ralph:

Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to hawk some worthless ceramic figurines off and claiming they're valuable] These are gen-yew-wine Siamese Catfish.
Oliver Wendell Douglass: SIAMESE CATFISH?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, they're still in the ***** stage.

Oliver & Eb:

Lisa Douglas:
[giving Oliver a tour of Paris] That is the famous Eiffel Tower, built by Sam Tower, in 1927.

Lisa, Olivier & Eb:

Oliver Douglas:
We're living in an historical monument.

Lisa Douglas:
I don't want to live in a hystarical menumant.

Lisa & Ralph:

Sam Drucker:
[about Schmidlapp] What'd he say to make you mad, Mr. Douglas?

Oliver Douglas:
He knocked my corn.

Newt Kiley:
Oh, he shouldn't a done that...

Fred Ziffel:
No. Them skinny stalks couldn't stand much knockin'.

Lisa & Oliver:

Eb Dawson:
[holding dictionary] I can't hold my silence any longer! [points at Oliver] That man there is a philanthropist! [looks confused] No, that's not right.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, for the love...

Eb Dawson:
Philanderer!

Lisa Douglas:
You mean he gives money away?

Eb Dawson:
Uh, no ma'am. [from dictionary] It says right here: philanderer, one who is guilty of hanky-panky!

Alf & Lisa:

Lisa Douglas:
All I have to do is give you my name, rank and stereo number.

Windy Hinkle:
[Arnold the pig arrives oinking just as Oliver gets in the barber's chair] I'm sorry. Mr. Douglas. Arnold is next.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What?

Windy Hinkle:
Well, he - he called for an appointment.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
How could he call?

Windy Hinkle:
He won't take too long. You see, all he gets is a bay rum spray. Keeps him dainty.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
He can wait a few minutes to be dainty. I'm next! [to Arnold] Sit down. Read a magazine.

Oliver and Eb:

Doris Ziffel:
[to Lisa] I sure hope you stay. I love it when you drop over here of an afternoon for coffee and girl talk.

Lisa Douglas:
Thank you.

Doris Ziffel:
Fred likes it, too. When he gets home after you been here, he always says how nice the place smells.

Lisa & Oliver:

Hank: "Don't worry. I'll play dumb."
Oliver: "There's a part that's right up your alley."

Mr. Wheeler: "All you kids think about is television, and sex."

Oliver & Lisa:

Alf & Ralph:

Lisa Douglas:
What shall I do with the corns I strung for you?

Oliver Douglas:
Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them.

Lisa Douglas:
Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar.

Oliver Douglas:
Caviar?

Lisa Douglas:
We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other...

Oliver Douglas:
Oh, for...

Lisa Douglas:
And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'

Mr. Haney: "Well, bless my gooseberry pie."

Ralph & Alf:

Mr. Haney: "That's the first rule of big business: Always use somebody else's money."

Haney: "Well, wipe your feet, Fred."
Fred: "Why don't you wipe yours?"
Haney: "Because I don't own a pig farm."

[Sam to Oliver after Arnold leaves with a basket of groceries]

Sam: "Fred don't even miss Doris. It's amazin' how that pig has taken her place."

From The Hawaiian Honeymoon episode:

Olive: "We've already had a second honeymoon, and a third, and a fourth."
Lisa: "Why don't we make this a fifth, which is one of your favorite bottles."

Lisa: "Why do you want to irritate your corn?"
Oliver: "Irrigate. It means put water on it."
Lisa: "Won't that irritate it?"

Lisa:

Lisa: "Well. There goes the last of the big shpenders."

Mr. Haney: "It was owned by His Royal Highness, the Marijuana of Rinkatupu."

Eb:

Lisa: (to Oliver)"When will you be back?"
Oliver: "When the bar closes."

Lisa: "Don't tread on royal toes."

Oliver: "Everty time she tells it, it's a different place."
Lisa: "It was Paris!"

Oliver: "Not this version."

Eb: "None of your business!"

Lisa: "I knew it was some kind of flation."

Eb: "Then it's true what they say. This is a depressed area."

Oliver: (to Lori)"Is your aunt a good cook?"
Lori: "Very good."
Oliver: "Let's keep her that way."
(He takes Lisa's hot cake recipe and rips it up.)

Fred Ziffel:
Mr. Douglas, I ask you: do you believe it's possible for one o' them computers to tell us farmers what to plant?

Oliver Douglas:
Yes, it is.

Fred Ziffel:
Well, if you believe that, you're a bigger fruitcake then he is. [indicating Hank Kimball]

Oliver Douglas:
Mr. Ziffel, I...

Fred Ziffel:
You're suffering from swiffeled raisins.

Oliver Douglas:
There is nothing wrong with my raisins!

Hank Kimball:
I'll drink to that.

Oliver's final line: "He skipped town after he cashed my client's check."

(Last line of the series.)
Carol Rush: "...No, Schultzheimer's not right..."

Oliver: "We don't have a rooster."
Haney: "You ain't got a rooster?!"

Lisa: (to Oliver)"You-you rented a rooster?"

Eb: "Well, Bertram isn't a crower, he's a pecker!"

Haney: "Well, he ain't a peeper, he's a crower."
Oliver: "He's not a crower, he's a pecker."

Lisa: "My husband, the rooster renter."

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[Hank Kimball has just read aloud a confusing pamphlet] I don't understand what that means.

Hank Kimball:
You don't? Well, you don't have to understand what it eh, it eh... It was printed in eh... [turns to backcover]... Washington. Well, and when they print something in Washington, they know what it means.

Joe: "All them fellers live together? Must be a pretty big boardin' house."

Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.
Oliver Douglas: Are you sure?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.

Eb & Oliver:

Lisa Douglas: Why do you want to irritate your corn?
Oliver Douglas: Irrigate. It means put water on it.
Lisa Douglas: Won't that irritate it?

Oliver: "How come you always show up selling just what I need."
Mr. Haney: "Well how come you seem to always be needing just what I have to sell?"

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[complaining about the phone service] I tried to get a call through to the Hoyt-Clagwell factory in Fargo, North Dakota.

Sam Drucker:
Even if Sarah was there you couldn't get through to them. She doesn't have a Fargo hole on the switchboard.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Call Chicago! They route it through there.

Lisa Douglas:
Maybe they don't have a router hole.

Hank: "There's nothing nutty about that putty."

Haney: "...I feel like a pink possum in a dry goods store."

Mr. Haney: "Howdy, Mrs. Douglas. Doggone you look as pretty as a 350 dollar judgement against your husband."

Mr. Haney: "Ain't that a great imitation of Spencer Tracy?"

Judge Clemens: "How come I've never seen you in the saloon across the street?"

Eb: "I think it's the same squadron that was here for the 1960 drought."

Diller Fangworth: "To put it in legal terms, he was non compus in his mentis."

Hank: "I always tell the truth. Well, not always."

Judge Clemens: (to Haney)"Would you let me run the court?"

Chief Thundercloud: "For that, they made me honorary paleface."

Oliver: "Everybody knows the minute you wash your car, it rains."

TV Kiddie Show Host: Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize.
Oliver Douglas: No, you don't understand, Arnold is a real PIG.
TV Kiddie Show Host: I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself.

Oliver: "That's, uh, music to get canned by."

Lisa: "Well, that's the last time I marry him."

Oliver: "It looks like a golf ball with sequins."

Hank: "I'm on Washington time."

Oliver: "Lisa, the next time you tell a story, charge admission."

Lisa: "They say the way to a man's heartburn is through his stomach,.."

Doris: "We're not wives, we're makin' machines."

Oliver: "Look at that floor. That's solid oak!"
(Oliver stomps on the floor. It collapses and Oliver falls into a cellar.)

Lisa Douglas:
You don't know anything about love, do you?

Oliver Douglas:
Well, I am not an expert at it, I have looked at Peyton Place a couple of times.

Harry: "How about a freshly flocked fir?"

Oliver: "You don't use a phonied up tree for Christmas; you use a real one."

Harry: "A diamond ring. What a present."

Lisa: "How big is the diamond?"

Oliver: "That's their business. I want an old-fashioned Christmas."

Sam: "That is genuine spruce spray."

Oliver: "I'm not turning city. I never chopped down a tree in New York."
Sam: "Then what do you want to start now for?"

Doris: "I think Mr. Douglas had the right idea, havin' an old-fashioned Christmas."

Fred: "Is she gonna make a fruitcake for Mr. Douglas?"
Doris: "She sure is."
Fred: "Doris, that could you make you an accessory to manslaughter."

Eb: "Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standin? Under the mistletoe!"
Fred: "Why don't you mind your own business?"

Lisa: "We're wastin' a perfectly good piece of mistletoe."
Oliver: "Oh yeah. Well, Merry Christmas."
Lisa: "Merry Christmas, darling."

Lisa: (to Oliver)"And you said it would never be popular."

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[reading card he's selling for Arnold's birthday] "Happy birthday 'o pig oh mine - "

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh pig 'o mine?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
"Hope this finds you well and fine. The joys you brought me all through life...

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with the poem!

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Oh. That Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote some great stuff.

Lisa: "It's always the movie stars who get all the attention."

Oliver: "Sayy, those are my feelings, too."
Lisa: "That's your speech, too."

Oliver: "It's a family joke."

Eb:

Oliver: "I should've rememembered that from college."

Lisa: "Gypsies never joke."

German Soldier & Lisa:

Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead.
Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.
Oliver Douglas: Are you sure?
Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.

Oliver: "If there's any investing to be done, I will do it."

Mr. Haney: (to Lisa)"Oh, you do have impeckerable taste."

Oliver & Lisa:

Oliver: "It's rustic, but it's comfortable."

Oliver: "Who have I offended?"

Oliver: "I'd feel more secure if he was Lassie."

Lisa Douglas: [to Oliver who's holding up an electric iron] "What's that for?"

Oliver Wendell Douglas: "Haven't you ever used this?"

Lisa Douglas: "Oh yes. To hold the door open."

Mr. Haney: "Let me examine the corpus delicious."

Lisa Douglas:
Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him.

Ralph Monroe:
My lips are sealed.

Hank Kimball:
Now if we could only keep them that way.

Ralph Monroe:
If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!

Alf, Oliver & Ralph:

Oliver Douglas:
Mr. Haney, how would you like me to dent your hip-flask? [turns Haney around as if to kick him]

Ralph, Lisa & Alf:

Oliver & Lisa:

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Will you stop beating around the bush and give me my permit!

Hank Kimball:
Yes sir. You want a Bush Beating permit.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, I want a tree chopping permit.

Hank: "Boyyy, that's a pretty dumb move, even for a pig."

Oliver: "I believe the word is 'reincarnation'."
Lisa: "No, no, no. That is when you come back as a flower."

(Eustace Charleton Haney) "While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service."
(Oliver Wendell Douglass) "HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?"
(Eustace Charleton Haney) "Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door."

Lisa: "A typical male reaction."

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[telling Eb to save up to buy a car] I pay you more than enough. What do you do with your money?

Eb Dawson:
I send it home to my mother so that she won't have to take in washing. I can't stand to see her kneeling by the side of a stream, pounding some stranger's shirt with a rock!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
If the stranger doesn't mind, then why should you?

Lisa:

Oliver Douglas:
We're living in an historical monument.

Lisa Douglas:
I don't want to live in a hystarical menumant.

Lisa, Eb & Oliver:

Eustace Charleton Haney:
[trying to hawk some worthless ceramic figurines off and claiming they're valuable] These are gen-yew-wine Siamese Catfish.

Oliver Wendell Douglass:
SIAMESE CATFISH?

Eustace Charleton Haney:
Well, they're still in the ***** stage.

Oliver: "I've got money."
Mr. Haney: "Yeah, but how long can you go around cashin' bad checks?"
Oliver: "What?"
Fred: "A check you gave Sam bounced."
Oliver: "Bounced?"
Fred: "Boing, boing, boing, boing."

Lisa: "If you don't have an olive in your martini, it's a real problem."

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Eb, would you mind telling me: What's the big attraction at Bleedswell?

Eb Dawson:
They're opening a defense plant up there, and they're offering all kinds of inducements to get people to go there and work. Didn't you read the ads they ran in the World Guardian? Listen to this...

[reads from newspaper]

Eb Dawson:
Join the Space Age! Work for Astro Digitronics, makers of the Mighty Mark Five Mokker Rocket. Astro Digitronics is located in carefree, smog-free Bleedswell, Home of the Sympathetic Draft Board.

Lisa Douglas:
That's a nice thing to have.

Eb Dawson:
[continuing to read] Astro Digitronics offers more fringe benefits than any other space age company, including: unlimited sick pay, free psychoanalysis, and a year's supply of cracked crab.

Oliver: "Gentleman, I am planting wheat!"

Hank: "I think I got a touch of carrot ankle."

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Are you gonna take my tomato plants to Hooterville?

Charlie Pratt:
No, sir.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[turn to Floyd] If I get a truck, will you help Eb load 'em?

Floyd Smoot:
[wearing beach clothes] No, sir. I ain't gonna get no sunstroke.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[turns back to Charlie] Would you?

Charlie Pratt:
[wearing a life jacket] No sir, I can't swim.

Man: "Newt Kiley? Sounds like a character on Gomer Pyle."

Lisa:

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The last time you had election for assemblyman, who ran from this district?

Sam Drucker:
I did.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh?

Sam Drucker:
I was defeated.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Who ran against you?

Sam Drucker:
Nobody.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
And you lost?

Sam Drucker:
No.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well then you won?

Sam Drucker:
No.

[a beat]

Sam Drucker:
No, you see, election day is the first Tuesday after the first Monday in September. But the word got around it was the first first Monday after the first Tuesday and that's when everybody showed up. And by that time, it was too late.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
When was this?

Fred Ziffel:
1922.

Mr. Haney:

Lisa Douglas:
[angry] Oliver! One of these days you're going to be a little man and you'll come out of your own house and nobody is going to look at you because you're such a grouch!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[shouting] And that will be the happiest day of my life!

Eb: "How about that? Mr. Douglas went in to see his own life story!"

(World War II flashback)
Oliver: (on airplane radio)"My engine's conked out; I'm ready to jump!"
British Sergeant: "Happy landing, old boy. I say if you do get picked up by the krauts, demand to be taken to Stalag 13."
Oliver: "13?"
Sergeant: "Yes. Ask for a chap named Hogan."
Oliver: "Hogan; I'll remember. Over and out!"
(Oliver bails out of the airplane.)

Lisa Douglas:
Where do you keep the booze?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
The booze?

Lisa Douglas:
Well, you know, the bottle you keep for municipal porpoises.

Hank Kimball:

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[driving through Hooterville] Hmm, you never smelled air like that in the city.

Lisa Douglas:
No I didn't. What is that?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[sniffles] Oh, that's Fred Ziffel's. He runs a pig farm.

Lisa Douglas:
He should run it in another direction.

Lisa & Oliver:

Eb Dawson:
Mr. Douglas, you wouldn't be needing a hired hand, would you?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No, no, I'm planning on farming this place myself.

Eb Dawson:
You ever done any farming?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
[proudly] Oh, a little.

Lisa Douglas:
Dahling, don't be so modest. My husband had the biggest squash on Park Avenue!

Oliver & Eb:

Lisa Douglas:
It's just like in the movies, Oliver: everything ends happily. The fellow kisses the girl, and the cow's stomach starts to play music.

Oliver Douglas:
Yeah... Television has a long way to go to catch up.

Lisa: (to Oliver)"That proves what my father always said; you're a big drag."

Lisa: (to Oliver)"You don't have to watch TV to know how to get polluted."
Oliver: "It's not that kind of pollution."
Lisa: "What other kind do you know?"

Ralph: (to Lisa)"Your father was right. He is a big drag."

Ralph: "He's not only a drag, he's anemic."

Lisa: "You've got to take the bull by the corn."

Ralph: (to Hank)"If you didn't have such an animal attraction, I'd belt you."

Oliver: (to Lisa)"Didn't your father ever say anything nice about me?"

Mr. Haney: "That's what they said about Cleopatra, just before she run off with Richard Burton."

Haney: "Oh, doggone, you look as woe be gone as a catfish in a dried-up mudlark."

Haney: "No wonder you look as sad as a pelican with a mouth full of porcupines."

Haney: (to Oliver)"He's the man your wife is enameled with."

Lisa: "...'Never leave your friends up the creek without a paddle, because you may meet them coming down again'."

Lisa's final line: "Boy. When you make up a shtory, it's a beaut."

Harry Grant: "It worked on Ironside, and he's in a wheelchair."

Lawrence David: "I don't like parades."

Oliver:

(First line of the series.)
John Daly: "This is an apartment house located on fashionable Park Avenue in New York City."

Oliver's first line: "I hate it."

Lisa's first line: "I certainly do. I love New York. To me, it has everything."
Oliver: "It certainly has. Crowded streets, polluted air, unfriendly people. New York is a rat race, and the rats are winning."

Lisa: "Hootersville?"

Oliver: "My roots are in the soil!"

John Daly: "This is John Daly, in New York... Thank goodness."

Oliver: "I don't need to be introduced to my own wife."

Fred: "I wish Doris was sufferin' from that."

Lisa:

Eb: "...he owns this dingbat company."

Oliver: (to Hank)"I resent your sarcasm."

Lisa: "Don't they ever come out?"
Oliver: "Only in case of a tidal wave."

Oliver: "Is the bridge out?"
Sam: "No, but it will be."

Lisa: "He might get arrested for undecent explosion."
Oliver: "If he does, I'll bail him out."

Mr. Haney: "Mr. Douglas, this is your lucky day."
Oliver: "That remains to be seen."

Mr. Haney: "Genuine West Indies voodoo doll."

Eb: "Do you realize I'm on triple overtime?"

Hank: "Tomatos are the dumbest of all plants. You know, their I.Q. is hardly above what a six-year-old child's is."

Oliver: "I should've left the car home that night."

Eb & Lisa:

Eb Dawson:
Who is this Brian Williams they mention on pages 1,2,3,1 and 4?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
You don't know him? He grew up here in Hooterville.

Eb Dawson:
Hmmm. Uh, is he a tall boy with green hair?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Green hair?

Eb Dawson:
Naw, that was Betty Abernathy. She used to eat chlorophyll and it went to her head.

Ralph: "Men. They're all alike."
Alf: "How would you know?"

Lisa Douglas:
[to Oliver] Two weeks ago, you were nothing but a plain old farmer, planting your little seeds in the ground and watching them shoosting and now you are the president of the telephone company. Why, yours is a regular Horatio Algebra story!

Mr. Russell: (to Lisa)"You can put down '21 plus'."
Lisa: "I was going to put down 'minus'."

Oliver: "A couple of years in the army might, uh,..."

Girl: (to Lisa)"Is your husband always such a grouch?"

Mr. Russell: "Mr. Douglas, have you forgotten when you were seventeen?"

Lisa: "...because I don't speak with an accident anymore."

Lisa: "Some of my best friends are Hungarian. Including my mother."

Oliver: "Well, like I always said, she has lot of Betty Boop in her."

Uncle Joe Carson:
[giving his plans for the celebration] At 8:30, we march to the station to greet the governor.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
What governor?

Uncle Joe Carson:
Well, I ain't sure. I invited all 52 of 'em. One of 'em outta show up.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Oh, boy.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Now we take which ever governor shows up first and march him to the town square and show him the cement slab where someday we're gonna erect a statue of Horace Hooter.

Alf & Ralph:

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, where are you going all dressed up?

Oliver Douglas:
Eh, off to work in the corn field.

Lisa Douglas:
But isn't that one of your lawyer suits?

Oliver Douglas:
Yes, I'm expecting a client.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh, who?

Oliver Douglas:
I don't know. Mr. Drucker said some farmer named Collins wants to talk to me on a legal matter.

Lisa Douglas:
Well aren't you going to wait for him?

Oliver Douglas:
No, no, I've got work to do. When he shows up, you send him on up, yeah?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes, chief.

Oliver Douglas:
What?

Lisa Douglas:
Well isn't that what the secretary calls the boss?

Oliver Douglas:
Yes, but...

Lisa Douglas:
Anything else, chief?

Oliver Douglas:
Eh, no. [puts on his hat and heads for the door]

Lisa Douglas:
Well aren't you going to kiss me goodbye?

Oliver Douglas:
No, the boss doesn't kiss the secretary. His wife might not like it.

Lisa Douglas:
Oh yes she would...

Oliver Douglas:
No, we'd better be on the safe side. [walks to the door and exits]

Lisa Douglas:
I think I'm going to look for another job.

(From the first season)

Lisa & Oliver:

Oliver Douglas:
You mallet head!

Doris: "Arnold's always bringin' people home."

Fred: "Yeah, I guess those backbone speeches must be inherited."

Oliver: "For the last time he is not my son."

Hank: "Well, you're never too young to start learnin' a trade."

Oliver: "Eb, once more and you're not gonna have any insides."

Fred: "Well, I guess women like that sort of thing."

Sam: "No, on radio. The income tax evasion hour."

Oliver: "Where's the false bottom?"
Mr. Haney: "In the money belt."

Oliver Douglas:
But he couldn't be dead.

Fred Ziffel:
Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral.

Oliver Douglas:
Are you sure?

Fred Ziffel:
I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.

Oliver & Lisa:

Lisa Douglas:
[explaining to a frightened Mort that Arnold the Pig comes over every day to watch TV] Yes. His father, Mr. Ziffel, only has a black and white set at home.

Mort Warner:
You-you mean there's an older pig who owns a black and white TV set?

Lisa Douglas:
No, no. His father isn't an older pig. He's an older man. Arnold is the Ziffels' only child.

Mort Warner:
[stuttering] Only child?

Lisa Douglas:
Well, they had a daughter, but she ran away with another goat.

Mort Warner:
Another goat?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes. How do you like Hooterville so far?

Lisa & Oliver:

Fred Ziffel:
[angry when Arnold the Pig begins to bark] Did you hear that? Why, that hussy has taught him to bark like a dog.

Doris Ziffel:
Well, it doesn't hurt for somebody to know another language.

Eb: "Holy mozarella. This is good!"

Oliver: "What magazine? 'Popular Heartburn'?"

Eb: "We get a bigger crowd on rainy nights."

Oliver: (sarcastically)"Oooh, that'll shake up Richard Burton."

Oliver: "Just send it back to the manufacturer; let him worry about it."

Oliver: (to Lisa)"What have you got against the Eyetalians?"

Doctor: "Was he unconscious at any time?"
Oliver: "With him it's hard to tell."

(Rehearsing for a play.)
Eb: "Hello, Elly May!"
Lisa: "Howdy, Jethro, you all!"
Eb: "Do you know where Granny is at, Elly May?"
Lisa: "She all ran down to the root cellar, to get a parcel of turned-up greens!"

Lisa: "I sure am, honey child, y'all."
Oliver: "She's not doin' her any good."

Oliver: "You can't keep stuff like that a secret."

Oliver:

Gilbert Henshaw:
Why did you move out there? Were you disbarred?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
No. I came out here to get away from the rat race of the city. Out here where I could breathe the pure air [background fife begins playing "Yankee Doodle"] work the fertile soil. Where a man can plant his seeds and watch 'em shoot upwards toward the sun and the sky, like our forefathers did. The farmer's the backbone of America. It's his gnarled hands, aching back that gives America its great strength. Without the farmer...

Gilbert Henshaw:
How do you do that?

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
How do I do what?

Gilbert Henshaw:
Talk and play the fife at the same time?

Lisa & Oliver:

Eb Dawson: Morning! Breakfast ready?
Lisa Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.
Lisa Douglas: We're not having any hotscakes this morning.
Oliver Douglas: No hotcakes?
Lisa Douglas: I've made something different.
Oliver Douglas: Hey, wonderful!
Eb Dawson: Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.
Oliver Douglas: Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.
Lisa Douglas: Here we are.
(Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet)
Oliver Douglas: It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.
Lisa Douglas: That's the last time I cook you a Spanish omelette.

Oliver & Lisa:

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Well, hello, Mr. Haney.

Eustace Charleton Haney:
That'll be 12 dollars.

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Just for saying hello?

Ralph: "You get the lobster, I'll Newburgh it."

Oliver: (to Alf)"Where did you get a stupid idea like that?"
Alf: "From you."

Ralph: "Every time we work on that bedroom it's bad luck."

Lisa: (to Oliver)"If food means that much to you, maybe you'd better find somebody else."
Oliver: "What?"
Lisa: "Well, when you married me, you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian, and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor."
Oliver: "Who?"

Oliver & Eb:

Oliver:

Oliver: (to Lisa)"What are you makin', a sauerkraut cheesecake?"

Hank: (to Sam)"Charge it to the Department of Agriculture. This is a national emergency."

Lisa: "Gypsies never joke."