Felix: (to Louie)"Why don't you move to a better neighborhood?"
Louie: "Because the nearest better neighborhood is in Ohio."

Felix drinking orange juice..."Pit, pit, pit".

ASSUME

LfvTwv5o1Qs

[Talking about Felix]
Oscar: "I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie."

Felix: (trying to write a song) "Oscar, what jumps and rolls?"

Oscar: "A frog with a hernia."

Felix: "What do you dream about, Oscar?"
Oscar: "Living alone."

Oscar Madison: You want brown juice or green juice?

Felix Unger: What's the difference?

Oscar Madison: Three weeks.

"Ratso Rizzo had a nicer apartment."

[pointing under the bed]

Felix: "There are things growing under there!"

Probably not word for word. Oscar visits Felix, before they're room mates, and sits on Felix's plastic-covered couch, and comments.

Oscar: Nice place. You live here with your mother?
Felix: It's nice. It keeps things clean...Listen, this is an emergency.Gloria and I have to get married.
Oscar: You HAVE to get married?
Felix: And fast.
Oscar: You? A man who covers every piece of his furniture...

Felix's catchphrase: "Oscar, Oscar, Oscar."

[Oscar's girlfriend is trying to get him to lose weight]

Oscar Madison: Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.

Felix Unger: I don't.

Oscar Madison: You don't have any fun either

Felix: "I like being miserable."

Howard Cosell: Don't call me Howie!

Doctor: "Felix, you're the reason why doctors don't like to make house calls."

Oscar: (hungover)"You can't chug-a-lug Scotch!"

Oscar: (to Myrna)"What were you drinking last night?"
Myrna: "Nothing. It's dangerous to drink and dance."

Felix: (to Oscar)"'Responsibility' is my middle name, mister."
Oscar: "And 'pest' is your first name, mister."

Oscar: "You know which the bad side of your face is?"
Felix: "Which side?"
Oscar: "The side with your mouth on it."

Felix Unger: What do you dream about?
Oscar Madison: Living alone.

Oscar meets a woman that just came to NYC from our of town and she has no money so Oscar lets her sleep in Felix' bed for the night because he is on a business trip. Felix comes home early, gets ready for bed and discovers there's a strange woman in bed with him.

Felix: "It's not my birthday."

[pointing under the bed]
Felix Unger: There are things growing under there!

Victor Buono as Dr. Clove, an occultist that comes to their apartment to perform an exorcism on a suspected ghost. Felix is dressed up in a crazy outfit for the exorcism.

Oscar: "You look like the Count of Monty Hall."

Dr. Clove (laughing): "I'm sorry Mr. Unger, how a man dresses in the privacy of his home is his own business. I'm just laughing 'cause you look funny."

Felix Unger: I'm going to the studio to pick up the gauntlet he threw down.
Murray Greshler: You're so tidy.

Oscar: "But you know how the holiday season depresses me."

Oscar: "All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to take a giant candy cane and beat the wings off of a sugar plum fairy."

Oscar: (sarcastically)" I'm all choked up."

Felix: (to Oscar)"You're the perfect Scrooge."

Oscar: (to Felix)"...if he came down that chimney, you'd have him cleaned and pressed."

Felix: "You're sloppy but you're not cruel."
Oscar: "Don't test me, Felix."

Felix: "That's our Scrooge."

Nancy: (to Felix)"I'm here as your physician, not your date."

Oscar: "TV is a delicate instrument. I'm not."

Felix: "Cunningham, your attitude is not acceptable."

Oscar: (to Sharon)"Tossing a match turns you on?"

Felix Unger: She likes... David Cassidy better than me!

Oscar: "They were showing a G-rtaed film, but the stewardess was strictly definite 'X'."

Felix: "...I got sick over Baltimore."

Felix: "You're a doctor?"
Doctor: "Doctors can't have doctors?"

Doctor: (to Felix)"Oh, and one other thing: I won't make another house call unless he cleans his room."

Oscar: "No, Felix, you're the reason I have pain!"

Marilyn: "I like bars! They're so plastic."

Marilyn: "I've been watching my figure."
Oscar: "So have I."

Oscar: "Felix, you know I never listen to you in the morning."

Oscar: "Devils don't cry."

Oscar: "You clean the basement?"

Felix: "...my whole life is shot to hell."
Oscar: "Well, you're dressed for it."

Felix Unger: [to woman on witness stand] Ah... you *assumed*. My dear, you should never *assume*.

Oscar: "I wonder if I'm too old to be discovered by the Mets."

Oscar: "Nothing's too good for my lady doctor friend."

Oscar Madison: Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill.

Speed: "Hey! Maybe she's a topless librarian."

Speed: "Well, you can't take a bath with your clothes on."

Oscar: "We're waiting for the towel of life."

Oscar: "That's what she's doing. She's throwing in the towel."

Oscar: "The truth is better than a lie, Felix."

Oscar: "I'm talking about literature!"

Oscar: "Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do."

[when Oscar opens a suitcase from his closet, clothes fall out]
Felix Unger: What's that?
Oscar Madison: Guess I forgot to unpack from the last trip.

Felix Unger: Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick.

Felix Unger: [while doing a commercial] I am a dramatization of a doctor.

Felix: "It's 12 years of marriage down the drain."
Oscar: "Drains can be fixed. That's why we have plumbers."

Oscar Madison: Life goes on, even for those of us who are divorced, broke, and sloppy.

Oscar Madison: Felix, if you get on that plane alone, I will break every bone in your body.

Murray:
What do you got?

Oscar Madison:
I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?

Murray:
What's the green?

Oscar Madison:
It's either very new cheese or very old meat.

Murray:
I'll take the brown.

Oscar: "You ruined my wine."
Felix: "Here's a dollar. Buy another three bottles."

Felix Unger: I'm going to the studio to pick up the gauntlet he threw down.
Murray Greshler: You're so tidy.

Oscar Madison: Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.

(Felix despondent over his daughter not speaking to him)

Felix: "She likes... David Cassidy better than me!"

Oscar: "So do I!"

Felix Unger: [to Oscar] Let this be on your head.

Oscar: I didn't just win, I beat you like a dirty rug.

Felix: Okay, except nobody cleans rugs like that anymore because we don't live on The Waltons.”

Oscar: Felix the Nut, that's who. Can you imagine receiving something like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.

Felix Unger: What are you doing?

Oscar Madison: Sterilizing the wound.

Felix Unger: With beer?

Oscar Madison: It's got alcohol in it.

[Oscar's girlfriend is trying to get him to lose weight]

Oscar Madison: Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.

Felix Ungar: If we go down, you go down with us!
Oscar Madison: Who are you, Dirty Harry?

[Oscar is dating the princess of a tiny European country]

Princess: My country is so small we only sent one athlete to the Olympics.

Oscar Madison: Oh? What event did he compete in?

Princess: All of them!

Oscar Madison: How did he do?

Princess: He died in the relays.

Oscar Madison: You want brown juice or green juice?

Felix Unger: What's the difference?

Oscar Madison: Three weeks.

Felix Unger: The man puts his ketchup on his salad.

Oscar Madison: So? I like ketchup. It's like tomato wine.

Oscar: "If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife."

Oscar (to Felix): I have a typewritten list in my office of the 10 most annoying things you do that drive me berserk.

Felix Ungar: If we go down, you go down with us!
Oscar Madison: Who are you, Dirty Harry?

Felix Unger: [Felix has made a hand puppet out of his handkerchief] Hello, I'm Harvey Hanky! And what are you doing today sir?
Oscar Madison: Dying of embarrassment.

Felix: Sure, and all aspirins are alike.

Oscar Madison : You ruined my wine.

Felix Unger : Here's a dollar. Buy another three bottles.

Felix Unger : I'm going to the studio to pick up the gauntlet he threw down.

Murray Greshler : You're so tidy.

Felix: (to Oscar)"What do you dream about?"
Oscar: "Living alone."

Oscar Madison : You ruined my wine.

Felix Unger : Here's a dollar. Buy another three bottles.

(Opening narration.)

Narrator: "On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence... That request came from his wife. Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison. Some time earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, asking that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment, without driving each other crazy?"

Felix Unger : She likes... David Cassidy better than me!

[Despondent that his daughter, Edna, isn't speaking to him]

Oscar Madison : So do I!

[Oscar's girlfriend is trying to get him to lose weight]

Oscar Madison: Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.

Felix: I don't have any.

Oscar: You don't have any fun, either.

(Felix Unger) "Everything you've ever owned is on that bed."

Oscar:

(Howard Cosell) "Either he leaves or I leave."
(Felix Unger) "Leave."

Myrna: Mr. M, that pile of clothes moved all by itself.

Oscar: That's Monroe, he's looking for an outlet.

Myrna: Have you tried tennis?

Oscar: An electrical outlet.

(Felix Unger) "What's that?"
(Oscar Madison) "Guess I forgot to unpack from the last trip."

Felix:

(Felix Unger) "Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar."

Oscar: Fat mice with pocket watches?

(Opening narration.)

Narrator: "On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence... That request came from his wife. Deep down, he knew she was right. But he also knew that someday he would return. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison. Some time earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out, asking that he never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment, without driving each other crazy?"

The word childhood was dropped from the opening when it was discovered in a flashback episode that Felix and Oscar met while serving on jury duty.

The opening narration was memorable to many Odd Couple fans like me and to me, the answer to the closing question would always be "No."

(Howard Cosell) "Don't call me Howie."

Murray: Is that what he said? 'I'm going to go out and kill myself?'
Oscar: I don't know, Murray, she didn't read it to me.
:Murray: You mean he left a note?
Oscar: No, he sent a telegram.
:Murray: A telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?
Oscar: Felix the Nut, that's who. Can you imagine receiving something like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.

Felix Unger: What do you dream about?
Oscar Madison: Living alone.