ISSUE #31. New Era, Old Faces

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck (34 years-old)
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward (17 years-old)
Miss Mindy Dalton (33 years-old)
Mr. Brad Bartlett (51 years-old)
Ben Davis (23 years-old)

Also Starring:
Hailie Morgan (24 years-old)
Bernie Boswell (23 years-old)

Guest Starring:
Pineapple-Man
Glup
Cassie Beaumont
Rachel

**This issue is a tad dirtier than previous ones (nothing so bad that I decided not to post it, however). I apologize for that to those who don't go in for that sense of humor.**

ISSUE #31. New Era, Old Faces

Originally released on April 23rd, 2016

We Now Present To You… This Issue!

Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy are on the front end, battling the recently escaped Glup.

Masked Bagger: Give it up, Glup. You can’t beat us.

Glup: Wrong! I managed to escape. Step one!

Cart-Boy: He’s got us there. We really need to make the prison more escape-proof!

Masked Bagger: And when do I have time to work on that - what with the villains constantly escaping and needing to be rounded up and returned to their cells?

Glup punches the 717 Guardian in the face, leaving it a greasy, sloppy mess as Bagger falls to the floor. Cart-Boy takes out his handle bar and takes aim to whack the villain on the head. However, Glup grabs it and begins beating the teen hero with it. Masked Bagger wipes off his face and then points the bag-gun right at Glup, who turns around and stretches his greasy arm to reach Bagger, and punches him again. This at least gave Cart-Boy the chance to take back his handle bar as Glup loosened his grip, while punching the magnificent masked hero.

Cart-Boy: Come on and take your medicine, blob!

Cart-Boy again aims to hit Glup over the head, but because the handle bar is still greasy, it slides right out of his hand, and the baddie is able to punch it away. Glup walks away from the fight scene. Masked Bagger gets up again.

Masked Bagger: Carts, we have to stop him!

Cart-Boy: Well, duh, but how?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know, but we can’t let him out of our sight.

Cart-Boy: Not like we can lose him. He leaves a greasy trail wherever he goes.

Masked Bagger: You’re right. That’s dangerous.

CUT TO: A couple minutes later, Masked Bagger is again battling Glup while Cart-Boy is following behind them, putting plenty of “Caution: Wet Floor” signs out. After all, safety first!

Masked Bagger: I’ve got a bag-gun here and I’m not afraid to use it.

Glup: I’ve got my own version.

Glup takes aim and shoots out a giant glob of grease that covers Masked Bagger from head to toe. Glup walks closer to the hero to pound him into the floor with his massive fists, when Bagger’s hand breaks free… the hand with the bag-gun, that is! He shoots Glup, capturing him in a big plastic Kroger bag. He then frees the rest of himself and stands over the villain.

Masked Bagger: I need a shower.

Cart-Boy finally makes his way over from putting down all the wet floor signs. Suddenly, he slips and falls.

Masked Bagger: Carts, did you not see all the wet floor signs around?

CUT TO: Adam, Chris and Mr. Bartlett are walking around the store together, discussing Adam’s lack of love life.

Adam Hauck: I don’t want Mindy to know that I’m still a loser with women. I want to be able to say to her “Welcome back. How are you? Cool. I’ve had sex with women while you were gone.” Is that too much to ask? I think not!

Chris Ward: Speaking of ask, why don’t you find a woman and ask her out? They’re clearly not going to just up and ask *you* out.

Adam Hauck: Hmm, maybe Katie? She and Austin finally broke up.

Chris Ward: I know I wasn’t around when you used to chase after her, but from all accounts, she wants to be nothing more with you than just friends.

Mr. Bartlett: That’s putting it nicely. I don’t think she even wants *that*. But maybe I’m mistaken.

Bartlett nods his head no.

Adam Hauck: Okay fine, not Katie. But then who?

An attractive woman walks by.

Mr. Bartlett: How about this woman?

Adam Hauck: She *is* quite the looker. Okay, I’ll go up to her and ask her out. I just need a moment to gear up for it.

Chris Ward: You don’t have the ovals to ask that woman out.

Adam Hauck: If “ovals” are what I think they are, I can assure you I have them and they’re about to go to action. Just watch.

Adam nervously (but pretending to be cool) heads over to the attractive woman named Cassie.

Adam Hauck: Hello, can I help you find anything today, miss?

Cassie Beaumont: No, thanks. I’m good.

Adam Hauck: Are you sure? Because if you’re single, I can find you a good man. I don’t have far to look… just the nearest mirror.

Cassie Beaumont: Are you hitting on me?

Adam Hauck: I’m trying to. Is it taking?

She smiles.

Cassie Beaumont: It’s doing okay. Besides, I have a thing for fat, ugly guys.

Adam Hauck: Then it doesn‘t matter what I say. I‘ll just let my appearance do the talking for me.

Cassie Beaumont: Go out with me tomorrow night. Lovemaking is guaranteed.

Adam Hauck: Wow, my appearance is one smooth operator. You got yourself a date tomorrow night.

CUT TO: Pineapple-Man has escaped the basement prison. As he is headed for produce, he talks to himself…

Pineapple-Man: I can’t fail this time. Masked Bagger MUST be killed, and I can return to my job as produce head and no longer be a pariah to my own department.

CUT TO: The next day. Chris Ward is in the hallway of his high school. An attractive classmate, Rachel, walks up to him. He’s not surprised as he’s quite cocky.

Rachel: Hi, Chris.

Chris Ward: Hey, what’s up, Rachel?

Rachel: Not much. I was just wondering if you still work at Kroger?

Chris Ward: Yes. Why? Do you want me to bag something for you? Because I really only do that at work.

Rachel: No. I was wondering if you know who Cart-Boy really is.

Chris Ward: Why do you want to know?

Rachel: I’ve seen him in action, and let’s just say, he does it for me.

Chris gets excited.

Chris Ward: Yeah, I know who he is.

Rachel: What’s his real name?

Chris is having a hard time avoiding telling Rachel the truth.

Chris Ward: I’m not allowed to tell. Sorry.

Rachel: Oh, come on. Please.

Chris Ward: I can’t, but what about this? If you go with me to the dance this Friday, I’ll put in a good word for you with Cart-Boy.

Rachel: Great! Oh, and I’ll go with you even if you don’t talk to Cart-Boy on my behalf.

Chris smiles. Unlike Adam, who usually strikes out, getting girls comes quite easily to Chris.

CUT TO: Later that day. Chris is out of school and on the clock at Kroger. A page has gone over the intercom warning Masked Bagger about a Pineapple-Man sighting. The Grocery-Store Guardians march right over to produce, where Piney is standing.

Masked Bagger: You escape and don’t even try to hide. You’re just out in the open for us to recapture you.

Pineapple-Man: Why escape if I’m only going to live in fear? This is my way of saying I’m not afraid of you, Bagger. And this is MY produce department. I’m not leaving.

Cart-Boy: I’ve got this handle bar here that’s gonna persuade you otherwise.

Pineapple-Man: (to Masked Bagger) Why the need for some teenage help? You were great on your own.

Masked Bagger: Thank you, but I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Things just happened.

Pineapple-Man: Wait a moment… this isn’t your son, is it?

Masked Bagger: My son?!? Of course not! I’m not old enough to have a sixteen year-old son. I’m only thirty-four.

Pineapple-Man: Let’s see, that means you would have been eighteen when the cart-lad was born. Yes, you most certainly *are* old enough.

Masked Bagger: (shocked) Well damn. I’m old enough to have a sixteen year-old son.

Cart-Boy: Actually, I’m seventeen now.

Masked Bagger: Seventeen? They grow up so fast! Where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday I was in high school, trying to convince the other students that I’m cool. Now I’m just some old man, counting down the days ‘til I die.

Pineapple-Man: Count no more, Bagger. This is that day.

Masked Bagger: (joking) I wish, but no. It’s not.

The masked hero takes out his bag-gun because, you know, he has to at least *try* using it before it gets knocked out of his hand. He aims it at the villain who, with the power of his mind, hurls a pineapple at Bagger’s hand, knocking the bag-gun to the floor.

Cart-Boy: I got it, Bags!

Masked Bagger: Cool but don’t ever call me “Bags” again.

Cart-Boy: Hey, I don’t like being called “Carts.”

Pineapple-Man: And while we’re at it, I don’t like being called “Piney.”

Masked Bagger: Boy, we’re a mess, aren’t we?

Cart-Boy is about to grab the bag-gun when a telekinetically thrown cantaloupe smacks him in the face. Suddenly, a big watermelon floats over the gun and lands hard, crushing it.

Masked Bagger: My bag-gun! I don’t know how to fix it, either!

Pineapple-Man: Then it looks like I’m winning.

Masked Bagger: Looks can be deceiving! (thinks for a moment) Although I guess in this case, looks are right on.

Pineapple-Man: I’m going to quit while I’m ahead. Time to finish you.

Piney uses his telekinesis to lift all the fruits from the shelves, and they hover up to the ceiling.

Pineapple-Man: Be fruitful and multiply!

The amount of fruit suddenly doubles. Masked Bagger rolls under the potato table to safety. He sees Cart-Boy still standing there and shoots out his cart strap. It wraps around the teen’s ankle and knocks him on his butt. Bagger then reels him in just before all the fruit lands on the floor, burying the table.

Cart-Boy: Seriously, dude. That hurt!

Masked Bagger: I’d say being crushed to death by all that fruit would be much worse.

Cart-Boy: Nope. Then I wouldn’t be laying here with a sore tailbone.

Masked Bagger: Okay, fine. I’m sorry for saving your life.

Cart-Boy: Apology accepted. So, what do we do now? We’re buried alive in a mountain of fruit.

Masked Bagger: Too bad it’s not pizza. We could eat our way out of here.

A few minutes later, there’s a light shining through. Mr. Bartlett is doing his best to remove all the fruit. Within a few more minutes, our heroes are freed. They both stand up.

Masked Bagger: Where’s Pineapple-Man?

Mr. Bartlett: He took off. No doubt enjoying his victory over you.

Cart-Boy: Now what?

Masked Bagger: Now, it’s break time. I’m starving. I just wish I had something to eat while I was surrounded by all that fruit.

Bagger and Boy walk off. Bartlett says to himself…

Mr. Bartlett: He’ll never be a healthy man, will he?

CUT TO: That night. Adam and Cassie’s date went surprisingly well. The two went back to Adam’s place for some late night lovemaking. Cassie is on the bed, naked. Adam is standing at the end of the bed, fully clothed. He takes out a diagram of the female body, and looks at it.

Adam Hauck: Okay, so I stick my manhood…

He looks at the diagram and then back at Cassie. He points to the proper area.

Adam Hauck: Right there.

He begins to take his clothes off, when Cassie stops him.

Cassie Beaumont: Stop it. You’re too weird. I can’t do this!

Adam Hauck: Come on, I was just kidding. You know, breaking the tension? You don’t know weird until you’ve met Bernie Boswell. I mean that guy is nuts.

Cassie Beaumont: So, you’re not really so stupid as to not know where to put it?

Adam Hauck: Exactly. I know where to put it. Now, do you want to continue? Because I do.

Cassie Beaumont: Okay, fine. Let’s get it on.

Adam Hauck: Great. You’re in for some of the best lovemaking you’ve ever had!

Cassie Beaumont: I’ll decide that. Just be sure to pay me $200 when it’s over.

Adam Hauck: Wait, what? You’re a prostitute?

Cassie Beaumont: (offended) Of course not, you jerk! I’m just a little low on cash, and you looked like the kind of chump who would hand over his money to a beautiful woman in exchange for sex.

Adam Hauck: I have to be going now, Cassie. I have a little thing called pride. It won’t allow me to continue being here.

Cassie Beaumont: You’re right about having a “little thing.”

Adam Hauck: That’s not what I said, and how would you even know? I’m fully dressed right now!

Cassie Beaumont: It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what I tell people about you.

Adam Hauck: I guess that’s right.

Cassie Beaumont: So, are you going to pay up?

Adam Hauck: Fine.

He gets out his wallet and hands Cassie two hundred dollars.

Adam Hauck: Well, you’ve been paid. We may as well do the deed.

Cassie Beaumont: Actually, I have to pay this bill immediately. I’ll be going now.

Adam Hauck: Wait, no sex?

Cassie Beaumont: Nope. You should have paid me after.

Adam Hauck: You know, when I invited you to come over to screw me, this isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

CUT TO: The next day at work. Ben is in the break room. Bernie enters.

Bernie Boswell: Watcha up to, Ben?

Ben Davis: I’m working on a screenplay. While I plan to one day make it big with a movie based on Masked Bagger, for now, I’m starting out with a romantic comedy.

Bernie Boswell: That’s cool. You know, if I was writing a movie, I’d write a horror film.

Ben Davis: Would it be based on your life?

Bernie Boswell: No, it wouldn’t.

Ben Davis: I know. I was just kidding.

Bernie Boswell: I know you were, but I felt if I laughed, it would only encourage you to joke like that again, and I can’t have that.

Ben Davis: (frustrated) Anyways, what would your movie be about?

Bernie Boswell: The thing that scares me the most - the unknown. See, the actual slashing and gory stuff doesn’t scare me. It’s not getting a clear shot of the killer. It’s not knowing when he’s going to strike. That’s where the fear lies for me. So here’s my idea. The movie starts with a group of friends living in Springfield. They’re all happy and leading good lives. There’s knowledge of a Springfield murderer, but they pay very little attention to it. They just go about their business, being happy, having sex and whatever. About fifty minutes into the film, the gang is *still* happy and healthy. The audience is on the edge of their seats, waiting for the murderer to come in and slash up everybody, especially during the sex scenes. But alas, it doesn’t happen. Cut to thirty minutes later, the gang is still happy, healthy, alive and all that jazz. It turns out, the murderer lives in a different Springfield.

Ben Davis: That sounds terrible.

Bernie Boswell: (offended) Terrible? Well aren’t *we* the movie critic? You know, you should really wait to watch the finished film before commenting on how much it sucks. That’s what I plan to do with *your* movie.

Ben Davis: (sarcastically) You really put me in *my* place.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, that’s it. Please don’t make me kick your ass!

Ben Davis: What?

Bernie Boswell: (cowardly) Seriously, please don’t make me. Because I don’t think I can take you, and I’ll probably end up getting my own ass kicked in the process. So again, I must beg of you… please don’t make me kick your ass.

Ben Davis: You don’t have to kick my ass.

Bernie Boswell: (relieved) Oh, thank you, friend.

CUT TO: Hailie is talking to an uninterested Mr. Bartlett about her relationship with Ben.

Hailie Morgan: Ben be tellin’ me he be havin’ a secret he need be tellin’ me.

Mr. Bartlett: Are you brain damaged? Why do you talk that way?

Hailie Morgan: Just help me! I don’t know what to do ‘bout this.

Mr. Bartlett: And you decided this was a corporate matter?

Hailie Morgan: No, but Katie be off. Bernie be married to a ghost, so I don’t wanna get help from him. Adam be, well Adam. Chappy’s on vacation. Who else can I go to?

Mr. Bartlett: How about one of the many *other* employees in the store?

Hailie Morgan: No, seriously.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay, fine. Ben seems like a decent young man. I can’t picture him cheating on you. So that can’t be his secret. Maybe he’s gay or dying or something.

Hailie Morgan: He’d better be gay or dying, and not cheating on me or he *wish* he be gay or dying!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is walking around produce, looking for Pineapple-Man. The search ends as Piney walks up to him and punches Bagger in the face.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! Hey, you punched me! Usually you just hurl fruit at my head. What’s up with that?

Pineapple-Man: I wanted to feel your face on my fist. So, no sidekick today, Bagger?

Masked Bagger: Of course.

Cart-Boy taps Piney on the shoulder. When he turns around, the teen hero rams him in the face with his handle bar. The produce pariah goes down.

Masked Bagger: I figure I should make good use of there being two heroes now.

He takes out his new bag-gun (turns out there’s a drawer full of them in the basement lab), but before he can use it, a swarm of fruit surround Bagger’s head. Cart-Boy grabs an orange and tosses it in the air. He swings his handle bar, batting the orange into Pineapple-Man’s face. This distracts him for a moment, causing the fruit around Bagger to drop to the floor.

Cart-Boy: You’re free, Bagger! Use your gun!

Masked Bagger: On it!

The 717 Guardian is too slow and Piney begins hurling more fruit, one after another after another: anything from limes to apples to oranges to pineapples to cantaloupes to other fruits I can’t think of at the moment. Bagger does his best to dodge them. As for Cart-Boy, four wheels pop out of the sides to both of his shoes, allowing him to skate around produce, bashing all the fruits and veggies with his handle bar.

Pineapple-Man: This is wonderful. You two look ridiculous, swatting away the fruits and veggies as if they were mosquitoes.

Cart-Boy: I’ve never swatted mosquitoes with a handle bar before, so I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Masked Bagger: You’ve got to stop this, Pineapple-Man! How can I defeat you, if I can’t get near you?

Pineapple-Man: Precisely!

Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun and aims it at that prickly produce pariah. However, Pineapple-Man quickly gathers a bunch of fruits and veggies to form the shape of a person his size, and when the bag shoots out, it captures those instead of him. The guardian is mad.

Masked Bagger: Damn it! Did you see that, Cart-Boy?

Cart-Boy is currently texting with Rachel while battling away the fruits. If only she knew that she was texting with Cart-Boy during a battle. She’d be thrilled.

Masked Bagger: Okay fine, Piney. You win.

Pineapple-Man: I don’t win until you’re dead.

Masked Bagger: Oh, well then you’ll never win. You see, I can’t die. This is *my* story, and the powers that be would have to change the title if I perish… and they don’t want to do that.

Pineapple-Man: You could be dead and then someone else comes by, using the guise of “Masked Bagger.”

Masked Bagger: I guess that’s true.

Masked Bagger - the one and only - quickly points the bag-gun at Piney and shoots it, finally bagging him and ending this particular fight.

Masked Bagger: Well, that was easy.

Bagger looks over and sees Cart-Boy still swatting away, even though there’s nothing to swat at anymore. He’s unaware of the bagging of Pineapple-Man, because he’s in a deep texting conversation with Rachel.

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie are standing in the hallway of his house, just next to his bedroom.

Hailie Morgan: Benny, this be ridiculous. I have never seen the inside of yo room. What you be hiding from me?

Ben Davis: I just don’t like my room. That’s all.

Hailie Morgan: You keeping something from me. I demand to know right now, before I kick yo ass!

Ben Davis: Relax.

Hailie Morgan: No! You be acting strange for a while now. I let things slide, but I gotta know. You got yourself a side bitch?

Ben Davis: You think I’m cheating on you? No way! I love you, Hails.

Hailie Morgan: Well then what be this secret you won’t tell me?

Ben Davis: Fine. I’ll come clean. The secret is… um… well. I’ll tell you. I’m coming out.

Hailie Morgan: You be gay?

Ben Davis: No. I’m a brony.

Hailie Morgan: What be a “brony”?

Ben Davis: Young adult males who watch and love the television cartoon “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.”

Ben then opens the door to his bedroom, revealing a “My Little Pony” setup, complete with toys on display, a couple posters and a bedspread of the show. Hailie looks on with disgust.

CUT TO: Ben is chatting with Bernie while cleaning the bagger’s closet.

Ben Davis: So, Hailie and I decided to take a break from our relationship for a while.

Bernie Boswell: I’m sorry, dude. You two made a great couple.

Ben Davis: Thanks, but until we can work out a certain problem we have, there’s no getting back together.

Bernie Boswell: What problem?

Ben Davis: It’s, uh, personal. I just want to tell you, though, that I value your friendship. After all, friendship is magic.

Adam walks over to them.

Adam Hauck: What are you doing, Ben?

Ben Davis: Isn’t it obvious? I’m cleaning off the door here.

Adam Hauck: Why?

Ben Davis: It’s dirty and the new manager starts today. Gotta make the store look nice.

Adam Hauck: You’re going about this all wrong. When a new manager comes to a store, they want to have things to fix. That way it makes them feel like they’ve accomplished something or put their stamp on the place. You’ve gotta keep things dirty so the manager can tell you to clean it up… and then take credit for getting it done.

Ben Davis: But it’s Mindy. She’s cool.

Adam Hauck: But she’s a manager now. I’ve known many cool people who changed when they went into management.

Mindy Dalton walks in the front door. She stands there a moment and looks around. She’s happy to be back.

Ben Davis: Hey Mindy, welcome back!

Miss Dalton: Thanks, Ben. It’s good to be back. But I’m the manager now, so you’d better call me “Miss Dalton.”

Ben Davis: (to Adam) For once, you’re right.

Ben walks away.

Bernie Boswell: I’m glad you’re back. This store really missed you.

Miss Dalton: Thank you… I want to say “Billy”?

Bernie Boswell: That’s a great memory you’ve got there. You were almost correct! It’s Bernie.

Miss Dalton: That’s right.

Bernie walks away. It’s now just Mindy and Adam.

Adam Hauck: So, you’re back. You know, I was a little nervous of who the new boss was going to be. But I gotta say, I’m glad it’s you.

Miss Dalton: I’m glad to be back. I’m just sorry it’s under such sad circumstances, but this place feels like home.

Adam Hauck: Things have changed since you left. I have a sidekick now, so I guess we’ll be a trio.

Miss Dalton: No, Adam. I’m no longer Retail-Red. Those days are over. I’m in management now, and I take that seriously. I’m here because no one else wanted this store and I have a history here.

Adam Hauck: Me?

Miss Dalton: Yes you, but mainly *my* Adam.

Adam Hauck: Oh, right. Him.

Miss Dalton: How is he?

Adam Hauck: He’s fine. He talks about you every now and then.

Miss Dalton: I can’t believe it’s been a year since I set foot inside this place.

Adam Hauck: Me neither. I thought you were going to visit.

Miss Dalton: I intended to, but you know how things work out. You don’t always get a chance to do the things you want to do.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, like be able to tell you that I had sex while you were away. Oh, how I wanted to tell you - in a casual manner - that I’ve been sexing a bunch of ladies. But alas, I cannot say that. Well, I *can*, but it would be a lie.

Miss Dalton: It’s good to see that some things don’t change. Your lack of love life, for example.

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

CUT TO: Chris is at his school dance with Rachel. However, girls are lining up to have the next dance with him. Adam, on the other hand, is at home on various dating websites, looking for women to date, but is getting nowhere.

Adam Hauck: I thought superheroes were supposed to have love interests. All I get are women who either don’t like me, are dating an alternate world version of me, or just want what little money I have. This world is a twisted place.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE 32. Date on Defrost

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell

Guest Starring:
Freeze-Cepticon alias Gabe Chapman [both pictured below]
Jacey Johnson [pictured below]
Katie Collins [pictured below]

ISSUE #32. Date on Defrost

Originally released on May 18th, 2016

And Now Our Story…

Twenty-year-old Jacey Johnson is in the middle of a photo shoot for promotional shots of the “Win a Date with Jacey Johnson” contest. As a Kroger model, she has pretty much become the face of the company, appearing at store events, commercials and even her own 16 Months of Jacey calendar. As her picture is taken, we jump ahead a couple of months. Chris Ward is inside the bagger’s closet, looking at the flyer for the contest he had stored away. Adam walks over and notices.

Chris Ward: Jacey Johnson is so hot.

Adam Hauck: Yeah. She’s okay.

Chris Ward: You know there’s a contest to win a date with her. I entered it.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I entered it, too. It’s not a big deal though.

Miss Dalton walks up to the two baggers.

Miss Dalton: Adam, congratulations. You won the date with Kroger model, Jacey Johnson.

Adam Hauck: YES!! I, uh, mean *me*? Really?

Miss Dalton: Well you *did* buy 500 tickets.

Chris gives Adam an odd look.

Chris Ward: Not a big deal, huh?

Adam Hauck: I, uh, truly believe in the cause.

Chris Ward: What *was* the cause?

Adam Hauck: Something about starving orphans, or lonely chubby guys who need female attention. Something like that.

Miss Dalton: Your date is this Wednesday. She’ll pick you up here at the store at 2pm, and take you to Gravas for some lunch.

Adam Hauck: Gravas is the finest, most expensive restaurant in Ohio. This girl’s got class.

Miss Dalton: Well Kroger is footing the bill.

Katie walks over.

Miss Dalton: Hi, Katie.

Katie Collins: I heard you were back, Mindy. It’s good to see you again, kid.

Miss Dalton: Why did you just call me “kid”? I’m older than you. Plus, I’m the boss now. So I go by “Miss Dalton.”

Katie Collins: Imma need you to chill out. It’s just something I said.

Miss Dalton: Well “Imma” need *you* to treat me with a little bit of respect.

Adam Hauck: (coughs) Fight. (coughs) Wrestle it out. (coughs) I’ll get some mud. (coughs)

Miss Dalton: Adam, shut up and get back to work.

Adam Hauck: That’s right, Mindy. Put me in my place.

Miss Dalton: I’ll be going now.

Mindy walks away. Katie heads back to the restroom. Adam tags along. They walk and talk.

Adam Hauck: So, Katie, I won that contest. I’m going on a date with Jacey Johnson.

Katie Collins: Who?

Adam Hauck: Jacey Johnson. She’s a model for Kroger.

Katie Collins: Oh *that* bitch?

Adam Hauck: Don’t be jealous.

Katie Collins: I’m not jealous. I could be a model, too, if it wasn’t for one physical flaw.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, what’s that?

Katie makes it to the restroom and leans on the wall. She takes off her right shoe, followed by her right sock. She holds up her bare foot for Adam to see. He braves through the smell.

Adam Hauck: So they stink… real bad. Unless the photos you take are scratch n’ Sniff, you’ve got nothing to worry about… Kimmy Gibbler.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to shut lip and look closer.

Adam Hauck: Can you get through a single conversation without using the word “Imma”? Because I don’t think so.

Katie Collins: Look closer.

Adam looks at Katie’s bare foot. He notices something off-putting. She has six toes.

Adam Hauck: A sixth toe? That’s um… (disgusted) okay. I bet they could airbrush it, or crop it out, or something.

Katie Collins: Adam, shut up.

Adam Hauck: So *that’s* why you wore a flip-flop on one foot and a sneaker on the other at the Kroger barbeque last year. I just thought you were trying to set a fashion trend.

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett is walking around the store. A female employee walks up to him. Miss Dalton is standing by, eavesdropping.

Employee: Mr. Bartlett… my grandma just passed away.

Mr. Bartlett: Oh no, I’m so sorry. Although it’s Kroger policy to give you three days off when a close relative dies. So, it’s sad that your grandma died, but hey, you get three days off with pay! Go you!

Mr. Bartlett was honestly trying to cheer her up. He’s just a moron - like many in this store. She cries and runs off. Bartlett gets a smile on his face.

Mr. Bartlett: (to Mindy) Awe, tears of joy, she’s shedding. I love providing the light at the end of the tunnel for sad people.

Miss Dalton: I think maybe you should stay in your office and not interact with employees or customers or people of any kind at all.

Mr. Bartlett: Oh, come on. You’re just upset that the corporate boss has set up shop here in your store.

Miss Dalton: It *is* kind of weird.

Mr. Bartlett: I admit that when I came here, it was only to fill in the gap between managers. But I’ve gotten to feel so useful being a part of the Masked Bagger story. I feel it’s important that I stay.

Miss Dalton: Just don’t get involved with the employees’ lives. Okay?

Mr. Bartlett: Whatever.

He walks away. As he does, Bernie Boswell comes up to Mindy.

Bernie Boswell: So, you still haven’t heard from Chapman? He’s not shown up to work for a week now.

Miss Dalton: No, and I’m taking it as a no call no show. He’s already been terminated.

Bernie Boswell: You’ve had him killed? You monster!

Miss Dalton: No, idiot. He’s been fired. And if I ever see him, I can tell him that.

Bernie Boswell: Look, Miss Dalton, this isn’t like Chappy. There’s gotta be something wrong with him. He wouldn’t just not show up for work.

Miss Dalton: I know he’s your best friend, but face the facts. That’s exactly what happened.

CUT TO: The freezer at the end of aisle 19 begins to grumble. Slowly a head pops up from the top. It resembles Chapman’s head. That’s because it *is* Chapman. He’s been transformed into the latest 717 super villain -- Freeze-Cepticon.

Freeze-Cepticon: (whispers) What’s going on? What’s happened to me? I’m a fre-fre-freak.

CUT TO: Ben sees Hailie in non-foods and walks over to her in hopes of getting back together.

Ben Davis: Hi, Hailie. We need to talk.

Hailie Morgan: We ain’t got nothing to talk about.

Ben Davis: I agree. We have something to talk about. You see, you used a double-negative. So by saying “ain’t got nothing,” you’re actually saying we *do* got something to talk about.

Hailie Morgan: (sighs) Watchoo want we talk about?

Ben Davis: What do you think? I wanna talk about us. I miss you.

Hailie Morgan: I miss you, too. The old you. Not this freakin’ My Little Pony lovin’ you. I need a man. Not no eight year-old little girl.

She walks away. Frustrated, Ben turns around and spots Mr. Bartlett walking by. Ben’s a desperate guy and decides to seek help from the corporate boss.

Ben Davis: Mr. Bartlett.

Mr. Bartlett: Yes, Ben.

Ben Davis: I’m a brony.

Mr. Bartlett: Brony? What’s that? Wait, is that one of those male freaks who gets turned on by that girlie cartoon about a bunch of magical ponies?

Ben Davis: Not “turned on.” We’re just super fans of the show.

Mr. Bartlett: Well, why are you telling me?

Ben Davis: Because I need help. Being a brony has cost me my relationship with Hailie.

Mr. Bartlett: Oh, so something good came of your cartoon pony fetish.

Ben Davis: No. I love her and want her back. Can you help cure me of my bronyhood?

Mr. Bartlett: Yes, I will. Why? Is it because I care? Certainly not. Is it because I consider you a friend? Hell to the no. It’s because Mindy told me not to get involved with the lives of my employees, and she’s not my boss. That’s why.

CUT TO: Wednesday afternoon. Bernie is walking around the store with Chapman on his mind.

**FLASHBACK**

Bernie Boswell and Gabe Chapman are sitting in the office. This is back when Kroger was briefly run by Bernie and the store was called Boswell’s.

Bernie Boswell: So, I never asked. Why did you join Boswellity?

Gabe Chapman: Because I want to live for hundreds of years. This world is such a special place, I don’t want to leave it anytime soon. When I read your book, and saw that Boswellity promised long life, I knew I had to check out its author. I’m not a nut job. I know it’s very unlikely you can give me a couple hundred years of added life. But I wanted to at least come by and meet you. I’m having a blast being your right hand man.

Bernie Boswell: I’ll admit I’m a pretty weird guy. Most of my life could easily be a sitcom, but Boswellity is genuine. You have no worries, Chappy. No worries at all.

Gabe Chapman: I don’t have to spend these added centuries working for you, though. Do I?

Bernie Boswell: (smiles) Well I *am* the Almighty.

They both laugh. Chapman then chants his name…

Gabe Chapman: Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!

CUT TO: Back in present day, Freeze-Cepticon is now on the loose inside the store. Bernie walks past and recognizes that it’s his friend - Gabe Chapman - turned evil.

Bernie Boswell: Chapman! What are you doing?

Freeze-Cepticon: I’m not Chapman anymore. I’m a machine now!

Bernie Boswell: You have to stop this destruction. Fight the evil. You can do it. Just reverse back to your human self… please!

Freeze-Cepticon: Come on, Almighty One. Fix me.

Bernie Boswell: I can’t.

Freeze-Cepticon: I followed you, believing you to be the messiah. You’re not. You’re a fake.

Freezer opens his left door and a TV dinner shoots out at such a fast speed that when it strikes Bernie’s head, it knocks him out. The villain scoops him up, and places him inside the middle freezer door.

CUT TO: Adam is on his date with Jacey at the restaurant called Gravas.

Adam Hauck: So, how long have you been with Kroger?

Jacey Johnson: Three years. The first as a bagger and the other two as the store model.

Adam Hauck: (jokingly) I could have been a male model for Kroger but apparently I’m repulsive to look at, so that kind of works against me.

She laughs.

Jacey Johnson: Well, it’s not all roses being considered beautiful. I get hit on by all the creeps, and yet the attractive guys are intimidated by my looks. And you wouldn’t believe how many unsolicited dick pics I get in a week.

Adam Hauck: You wouldn’t believe how many unsolicited dick pics I send out in a week. Just kidding. I don’t do that. I guess I’ve been hanging around Mr. Bartlett too much. His personality is affecting my sense of humor. Not to say that I’m some innocent kid. I mean, I’m a grown man.

Suddenly, Adam’s watch plays the “Power Rangers” jingle.

Adam Hauck: Um, excuse me. I have to go… talk to Zordon.

Jacey Johnson: That’s weird, but okay.

He gets up and walks towards the restroom. He looks at his watch. Mindy Dalton’s image appears on the screen.

Adam Hauck: What’s up, Mindy? This better be good. I’m still on my date with Jacey.

Miss Dalton: We need you to come back to the store.

Adam Hauck: No.

Miss Dalton: Seriously. A new super villain is on a rampage.

Adam Hauck: Can’t Chris handle it?

Miss Dalton: He’s still in school. Adam, your number one duty is to protect the store. Now get back here!

Adam Hauck: (angry) Fine!

Adam walks back to the table. Jacey looks so beautiful, and he’s not willing to give up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity just yet.

Adam Hauck: Say, why don’t we move this date somewhere else?

Jacey Johnson: Gravas is the finest, most expensive restaurant in Ohio and it’s free to you. Where could you possibly want to go?

Adam Hauck: Kroger.

Jacey Johnson: Kroger? Why?

Adam Hauck: This place just doesn’t serve what I want.

Jacey Johnson: I’m sure they serve whatever you want.

Adam Hauck: Oh, yeah? Do they serve the deli’s popcorn chicken and mac & cheese? I think not. Let’s go!

They get up and leave the restaurant.

CUT TO: Ben and Mr. Bartlett are in Bartlett’s office - now located inside 717.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face again.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: No.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face again.

Ben Davis: Hey! What was THAT for?

Mr. Bartlett: For lying to me. Now, I’m going to ask you again. Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben gets nervous as he answers…

Ben Davis: Yes.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face.

CUT TO: Adam and Jacey have a table in the break room at Kroger with deli food in front of them.

Adam Hauck: Before we continue, I have to go to the bathroom. Your, uh, beauty is giving me a nervous stomach.

Jacey Johnson: I understand. It happens all the time.

Adam leaves the break room, and as he’s going down the stairs, he presses his belt buckle, which morphs him into the Masked Bagger! He heads over to the freezer section, but doesn’t spot anyone. He does, however, see the destruction caused by a villain on a rampage. As Masked Bagger is facing the photo lab, the freezer behind him slowly stands up as legs form under it and arms come out of its sides. The head pops up. Freeze-Cepticon is back, with a still unconscious Bernie inside. Just as he’s about to stomp on the store’s precious, some say handsome hero, Bagger turns around and jumps out of the way.

Masked Bagger: Whoa. Who are you?

Freeze-Cepticon: Freeze-Cepticon.

Masked Bagger: How do you villains decide on your names?

Freeze-Cepticon: That’s the least of your concerns. I’ve got Boswell trapped. He’s going to freeze to death.

Masked Bagger: Well, there’s a simple solution. Let him out.

Freeze-Cepticon: I’m thinking no. I’m also thinking *you* need to be inside of me.

Masked Bagger: Are you coming on to me? Because I’m flattered, but it just wouldn’t work out. And if you’re not coming on to me… I’d seriously rephrase that last sentence!

Freeze-Cepticon: Let’s get it on!

Masked Bagger: Again, are you hitting on me?

Freeze-Cepticon: Get over yourself and fight!

A battle begins which consists of Freeze-Cepticon shooting frozen foods out of his doors and Masked Bagger dodging the ones he can. There’s not much for him to fight back with.

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett and Ben are still in Bartlett’s office. Two TV’s are set up, and Ben is handcuffed to a chair.

Ben Davis: This seems a little drastic.

Mr. Bartlett: I assure you, it’s not. Now on one TV , we have an episode of “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” On the other TV, we have cancer and its affects on people. You are to watch both simultaneously. Afterwards, whenever you think of the pony show, you’ll think of slow, sad death.

Ben Davis: This is a horrible idea.

Mr. Bartlett: And yet you have no choice.

CUT TO: The fight between hero and villain continues until Freeze-Cepticon punches the 717 Guardian, sending him into the deli. This reminds Adam… his date! Bagger sneaks out the side when no one is looking and morphs back into Adam Hauck, and returns to Jacey.

Jacey Johnson: You’re back.

Adam Hauck: Yep. Now let’s get on with this date.

Jacey Johnson: Great.

Adam Hauck: So, uh, are you a natural purple head?

Jacey Johnson: It’s raspberry, and no.

Adam Hauck: I was just trying to be funny.

Jacey Johnson: I know. It was a decent attempt.

Adam Hauck: (nervous) Thank you.

Adam tries to think of things to talk about.

Adam Hauck: You know it occurred to me that you and I both have things to brag about.

Jacey Johnson: Really? Have you toured the country?

Adam Hauck: No.

Jacey Johnson: Have you been proposed to by royalty?

Adam Hauck: No.

Jacey Johnson: Have you…

Adam Hauck: (interrupts) No, okay. But yesterday, I was cutting a pizza and was about to cut right through a pepperoni, but was able to maneuver around it. I hate cutting through the pepperonis, so I was very proud of myself.

Jacey Johnson: (insincere) That’s amazing.

Deciding it’s time to return to the fight, Adam says…

Adam Hauck: Oh, crap. I just realized the deli didn’t give me any dipping sauce for my popcorn chicken. I’ll be right back.

CUT TO: Our masked hero returns to the fight scene where the evil freezer case is standing.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry this happened to you, Chapman.

Freeze-Cepticon: Save your sorrys. Fix me or fight me.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know how to fix you. But I swear I’ll do what I can… to my dying day.

Freeze-Cepticon: Not good enough.

Masked Bagger: You know what? I’ve had enough of this. It’s time to put you on defrost mode! Which I don’t know if you’re aware or not, but that was a threat. Time to take this up a notch.

Masked Bagger gets out his boom box and turns on the song “Uptown Funk.” The 717 Guardian begins to dance to the music, showing just how white he is. Assuming fight moves will come to him, Bagger keeps it up, but after a few minutes, he realizes it’s not gonna happen, and that he just looks foolish. So, he turns the music off and heads back to Jacey.

(Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson, featuring Bruno Mars https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1F0lBnsnkE&fbclid=IwAR0Brggxb-JrPwbfJN7mIAwZvWzUiX1jjs1iIobWRJ7piy-N4NF95tr-YhQ)

CUT TO: Adam returns to the break room. Jacey is sitting there patiently. She notices he’s without the dipping sauce.

Jacey Johnson: Where’s your dipping sauce?

Adam Hauck: I don’t use any dipping sauce.

Jacey Johnson: But you left to go get some.

Realizing he screwed up, Adam decides to just act crazy.

Adam Hauck: No, I’m pretty sure I left to go get some dipping sauce.

Jacey Johnson: That’s what I said. Where is it?

Adam Hauck: Where is what?

Jacey Johnson: The dipping sauce.

Adam Hauck: I don’t use dipping sauce. You’re so silly.

Jacey Johnson: (aggravated) Whatever!

Adam Hauck: So, what should we talk about?

CUT TO: It’s time for another round of slaps for Bartlett and Ben, still inside the office.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Mr. Bartlett slaps Ben across the face.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: (unsure) Yes.

Bartlett slaps Ben once more.

Mr. Bartlett: Do you still like “My Little Pony”?

Ben Davis: (pauses) No.

Bartlett is about to strike Ben, but doesn’t.

Mr. Bartlett: I believe you.

They both laugh a laugh of relief.

Mr. Bartlett: Ha-ha, I believe you!

It’s over. Mission accomplished. They continue laughing and then hug.

Ben Davis: I’m cured! I’m cured!

CUT TO: The break room. Adam and Jacey are continuing their date.

Adam Hauck: You know, in chatting with you, I realize we have nothing in common.

Jacey Johnson: Yeah, besides being employed by Kroger - nothing.

Adam slyly texts Mindy to page him on the intercom. A few seconds later, there’s a page on the intercom.

Mindy on Intercom: Adam Hauck to the front. Adam Hauck to the front.

Adam Hauck: (faking anger) Oh, darn it! They can’t do anything without me down there. Excuse me. I’ll be back.

He leaves. Jacey is upset that Adam keeps leaving her. She decides to go downstairs and find out what he’s up to. As she walks past the freezer aisles, Freeze-Cepticon spots her, grabs her, and throws her inside the middle door where a very cold Bernie is sitting. She’s trapped, and needless to say, it’s quite chilly in there.

Bernie Boswell: I think we should huddle together for warmth.

Jacey Johnson: I’m good.

Bernie Boswell: Well in that case…

Bernie continues shivering. Masked Bagger noticed Jacey inside Freeze-Cepticon and ejects a cart strap from his sleeve. It attaches itself to the door handle. Our precious hero does his best to climb up the strap, but the frozen baddie opens the left door and shoots out a pizza, which hits Bagger, knocking him to the floor.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) Betrayed by the thing I love most… pizza!

CUT TO: Chris enters the store. Mindy is waiting up front for him, and alerts him of the fight. He goes to the bagger’s closet and comes out as Cart-Boy. Wheels pop out of the sides of his shoes and he skates through the front end, back to the freezer aisles, where the fight is taking place.

Cart-Boy: Have no fear. Cart-Boy is here!

Masked Bagger: It’s about time.

Cart-Boy: So, what’s going on?

Masked Bagger: Um, isn’t it obvious? Gabe Chapman turned into a giant freezer and he’s attacking the store. Oh yeah, and he’s got Jacey Johnson. Looks like you get to meet her after all. If we can save her.

Cart-Boy: This is awesome! I mean, sucks about Chapman, but how are we gonna get this guy?

Masked Bagger: I literally have no clue.

Cart-Boy: Did you try your bag-gun yet?

Masked Bagger: No. He’s way too big to be captured by the bag-gun.

A customer walks up to the duo, looking frustrated.

Customer: Excuse me. I want a Banquet TV dinner and it’s inside that walking freezer.

Masked Bagger: Sorry, I can’t get it for you right now, sir.

Customer: (ticked off) Well in that case, you’ve just lost my business. I’m going to Wal-Mart - where they don't have walk-around freezers! That's ridiculous!

The customer leaves, presumably to go to Wal-Mart. Mindy enters the scene with a special kind of gun.

Masked Bagger: What’s that, Mindy?

Miss Dalton: This is how you capture Chapman. Shoot him with this and it will paralyze him for good.

Cart-Boy: Uh, wait. Isn’t that kinda cruel?

Miss Dalton: He’ll be in a comatose state. He’ll never know what’s happening to him.

Masked Bagger: And how did you get so smart?

Miss Dalton: I’m not. I got this invention from a friend. But trust me, it works.

Adam Hauck: Wait, what friend?

Miss Dalton: We’ll talk about him later. For now, just trust me.

She hands Bagger the gun. Freeze-Cepticon runs towards the heroes, ready to take them all out. The 717 Guardian pulls the trigger and an electrified beam exits the gun and stuns the freezer. He falls backwards, crashing loudly onto the floor. He’s passed out. Both captives are unharmed. Cart-Boy runs over to the freezer and opens the middle door. He helps Jacey out.

Cart-Boy: Miss Johnson, it is an honor to meet you. Are you okay?

Jacey Johnson: Thank you. I’m just a tad cold right now.

Cart-Boy: Of course. Let me get you a blanket. (screams) Someone bring me a blanket!!!

CUT TO: Adam returns to Jacey to conclude their date.

Adam Hauck: Hi. Sorry about… everything.

Jacey Johnson: I have a feeling you’ve been trying to avoid me all day. I don’t get it. What did I do wrong?

Adam Hauck: Are you kidding? Nothing. You’ve been great. I’m sorry I’ve been elsewhere for most of our date. You don’t know how sorry.

Jacey Johnson: It’s okay. I’m just glad to know you like me.

Adam Hauck: I do. So, is there any chance of lovemaking?

Jacey Johnson: Ewwe! You’re forty!

Adam Hauck: I’m thirty-four!

Jacey Johnson: So, I rounded up.

Adam Hauck: Well round down. I’m closer to thirty than forty.

Jacey Johnson: But you’re past thirty and headed for forty. I’m not into looking to the past, but rather soaring into the future.

Adam Hauck: Well I’m not quite ready to soar just yet.

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie are inside Ben’s room. It no longer has a “My Little Pony” set up. It looks like a grown man’s room now. Hailie is pleased… or in her language, Hailie be pleased.

Hailie Morgan: You be a man again. Good.

Ben Davis: So, we’re back together?

Hailie Morgan: Yeah.

Ben Davis: Great! We’ll never be apart again, my love.

Hailie Morgan: Cool. Man, I be thinking about that dang show and those stupid ponies who got idiotic names like Pinky-Toe and Rare-ass-ity. I’m weak!

She laughs but Ben is not amused. In fact, he’s outraged.

Ben Davis: That’s Pinkie Pie and Rarity. Get out!

Hailie Morgan: What?

Ben Davis: I said get out. I’m choosing the ponies over you. Now, don’t let the door hit your flat ass on the way out.

She leaves. Ben goes over to his closet, opens the door and takes out a couple of his pony toys. He breathes a sigh of relief. He made the right choice.

Ben Davis: Reunited and it feels so good.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE 33. Cutter's Revenge

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell

Guest Starring:
Cutter Magee [pictured below]
Masked Beggar [pictured below]

ISSUE #33. Cutter’s Revenge

Originally released on July 17th, 2016

Here Now, The Story…

It’s morning and Adam walks into 717. Mr. Bartlett is up front and greets our mask-less hero.

Mr. Bartlett: Good morning, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Morning, Bartlett.

Mr. Bartlett: So, how are you today?

Adam Hauck: Not good. I have a pounding headache that just will not go away. I should be fine as long as nothing upsetting happens today.

CUT TO: An empty prison cell in the basement lab. The name on the cell door --- Cutter Magee!!! Hiding out in a secret location, the box cutter villain is flashing back to a horrible day.

LATE JULY, 2015:
Cutter and his brother Scraper are battling Masked Bagger on the roof of Kroger. Scraper rides his motorized cart with plans to knock off the Bagger. However, the 717 Guardian jumps out of the way, causing Scraper to go over the edge of the roof and fall to his death. Suddenly, we’re back to July 2016.

Cutter Magee: Your days are numbered, Masked Bagger. I’m going to avenge my brother by killing you. But first I shall kill someone close to you. But before all of that, I shall sit here and announce my intentions to myself, then laugh maniacally, hahahahahaha!!!!!

CUT TO: Adam is bagging groceries, after all, despite defending the store on an almost monthly basis, he’s still one of the baggers. Miss Dalton walks up to him.

Miss Dalton: Adam, when you get a chance, I have to talk to you.

Adam Hauck: I’ve got time now. Let’s chat.

Miss Dalton: You’re in the middle of bagging an order.

Adam Hauck: I’m willing to stop just for you.

Miss Dalton: No. Once Chris comes in, come to my office. We can talk then.

Adam Hauck: Is it serious?

Miss Dalton: I don’t know about serious, but it’s some interesting information I’ve been keeping from you for over a month.

Adam Hauck: How can you say that and then expect me to wait?

Mindy walks away. A few minutes later, Chris enters the store. He spots Adam and walks over to him.

Chris Ward: Adam, I have some great news.

Adam Hauck: Me, too. Now that you’re here, I can go to Mindy’s office for a nice chat.

Chris Ward: My news is better.

Adam Hauck: I’ll be the judge of that.

Chris Ward: I’m getting married!

Adam Hauck: The F you are!

Chris Ward: Come on, man. You’re an adult. Say the actual word.

Adam Hauck: Forget that. What are you talking about?

Chris Ward: Now that it’s the summer, Rachel and I have been hanging out a lot. Last night I popped the question and she said yes. Isn’t that great?

Adam Hauck: Are you insane?

Chris Ward: Not clinically, no.

Adam Hauck: You’re too young to even *think* about marriage.

Chris Ward: No, I’m not.

Adam Hauck: Come on. I didn’t get my first girlfriend until I was… well, I *still* haven’t had my first girlfriend.

Chris Ward: So, you want me to end up like you --- old and alone?

Adam Hauck: You make it seem like I’m ancient. I still have time to get married and be a grandfather even.

Chris Ward: You’d better get on that.

Adam Hauck: Look, you can’t get married. You’re only sixteen.

Chris Ward: I’m seventeen.

Adam Hauck: Then we’re agreed, you’re not eighteen, which would be the magic age for you to get married.

Chris Ward: What do you care?

Adam Hauck: I’m thinking of your mom. I’m sure she’d be against this, and since she’s not here anymore, I have to speak for her.

Chris Ward: The plan is for when I turn 18. That’s next year. She turns 18 a few months after me. We’ll both be official adults then. Okay, Adam?

Adam Hauck: Legally I can’t stop you. But why the rush?

Chris Ward: Rachel and I are in love, and life is short. If there’s anything I can take away from my mom’s death is that life is short. I risk my life everyday. Who knows when one of these freaky villains is actually going to kill me?

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie walk into the break room. Bernie has the place set up like a church and he’s standing behind the pulpit.

Ben Davis: What’s going on here, Bernie? Why’d you want to see us?

Bernie Boswell: What, no Chris?

Hailie Morgan: He be downstairs, bagging.

Bernie Boswell: How about Bartlett?

Ben Davis: He’ll be up in a few minutes. He was in a meeting.

Bernie Boswell: Well then, let’s begin. Back in August of 2013, I founded the religion called Boswellity. No one has ever taken it seriously. No one except for Gabe Chapman -- my only follower.

Ben Davis: I’m sorry about Chappy. I miss him, too.

Bernie Boswell: Please don’t interrupt. Now, what I was about to say is that it’s time for you guys to take Boswellity seriously.

Hailie Morgan: How we be do that?

Ben Davis: We have GOT to teach this woman how to speak properly!

Hailie Morgan: Shut up. You ain’t getta be mean to me no more. We ain’t no couple.

Ben Davis: And I’ve never been happier.

Hailie looks hurt.

Bernie Boswell: You two have been arguing for over a month now. Shut up! This is about me and what I am going to offer you!

CUT TO: Adam enters Miss Dalton’s office.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) My headache is worse. (to Mindy) I’m here. What’s going on?

Miss Dalton: I needed to talk to you about my friend.

Adam Hauck: Friend?

Miss Dalton: Yes. You remember back in May when a friend of mine invented a gun that took out Freeze-Cepticon?

Adam Hauck: Of course, and you wouldn’t tell me who it is.

Miss Dalton: I feel it’s time.

Adam Hauck: Good. Who is this mysterious scientist friend of yours?

Miss Dalton: I don’t want you to get mad.

Adam Hauck: Why would I get mad?

Miss Dalton: It’s someone you don’t like.

Adam Hauck: Wait, I know this person? Tell me.

Miss Dalton: Adam Hauck.

Adam Hauck: Yes?

Miss Dalton: It’s Adam Hauck.

Adam Hauck: I don’t get it. It’s me? Do I black out, invent things and then black in, or whatever the term for coming to would be?

Miss Dalton: I said it’s someone you don’t like.

Adam Hauck: I have a low self-esteem.

Miss Dalton: No, it’s not you. It’s the person I believe you refer to as “Adam III.”

Adam Hauck: The Masked Beggar? But he’s a super villain!

Miss Dalton: Yeah, he needs to talk to you about that.

CUT TO: Adam is in his Masked Bagger outfit and he and Mindy are in the basement lab.

Miss Dalton: Adam, there’s no need to wear your outfit. He knows your true identity. He’s an alternate version of you, after all.

Masked Bagger: Please don’t tell me when or when not to wear my outfit. I have something called free will, and I’m expressing that right now by wearing what I want.

Miss Dalton: Fine.

They get to the cell. She opens the door and both of them go inside. The Masked Beggar is sitting there.

Masked Beggar: I’m so glad you would speak to me. First off, let me tell you that you do a great job taking care of the super villains.

Masked Bagger: Cut to the chase. What’s this about?

Masked Beggar: I’m no longer evil.

Masked Bagger: How is that possible?

Masked Beggar: You know that every person has some percentage of evil inside them. Even if it’s just one percent. Kroger Devil cranks that percentage up along with giving super powers to create a Kroger 717 super villain.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, I know.

Masked Beggar: I’m a genius. Now I’m not bragging about it. Just stating a fact. I’m so smart, that I have been able to - overtime - use my mind to control the evil. To put it in its place. I have taken it back down to the original percentage. Hence, I’m not a bad guy anymore.

Masked Bagger: But your appearance. You still look the same.

Masked Beggar: Yes, well I am unable to do anything about that. What I *can* control is what’s inside. The outside is still presented by the Kroger Devil. So, I have this mask that I cannot remove from my face and this beard that I cannot shave off. It’s all part of the evil appearance Kroger Devil gave me.

Miss Dalton: I kinda like it.

Masked Beggar: Thanks, babe.

Masked Bagger: “Babe”? Are you two back together?

Miss Dalton: Of course, we are. We came to this Earth level together and we will one day leave it together.

Masked Bagger: You’re nuts! Everybody here is nuts! This guy tried to choke you to death. Have you forgotten that? He wanted you dead!

Miss Dalton: No relationship is perfect.

CUT TO: The front end. Cutter Magee rides by on his hand-jack. Chris notices and heads to the bagger’s closet. He makes a transformation and comes out as Cart-Boy. Wheels pop out of his shoes, and he skates along, following the green baddie.

Cart-Boy: Stop in the name of the law!

Cutter Magee: You’re not a cop!

Cart-Boy: No, but I’m the law around here.

Cutter Magee: You’re just some lame teenage sidekick. You’re pathetic. A real loser!

Cart-Boy: Oh yeah!?!

This gets Cart-Boy furious, just as the villain was hoping for. He chases Cutter Magee throughout the store. They end up headed for the back dock. Once Cutter makes it through the doors, he jumps off his jack and waits by the door. When Cart-Boy comes through, Cutter trips him, causing the hero to fall on his face. Magee takes this opportunity to tie him up.

CUT TO: Back in the basement lab. Masked Bagger, Masked Beggar and Miss Dalton are still chatting.

Masked Bagger: What do you want, Beggar? Freedom? I can’t do that. You’re still classified as a super villain.

Masked Beggar: I understand you don’t want to let me out of my cell. I just want you to know that I’m good now and willing to help you out in your fight against evil. You’re in need of a new scientist buddy and I can serve that purpose.

Masked Bagger: Not you.

Masked Beggar: Then who? How many scientists do you know?

Masked Bagger: Hmm. (snaps fingers) Hey, what about your friend, Mindy? The one who made the gun that stabilized Freeze-Cepticon, and as I say this, I realize Beggar’s that friend. Damn.

Masked Beggar: Come on. What do you have to lose?

Masked Bagger: If you’re lying… everything.

Masked Beggar: But if I’m telling the truth, I can be a huge asset to your battle against the Kroger Devil. We both want him dead. He killed your friend and turns co-workers into super villains. Look what he did to me. I want him dead, too. We’re on the same side, Bagger. We have the same goal.

Masked Bagger: So, what do you want from me?

Masked Beggar: I know I can’t be allowed upstairs, but if I can have free range down here in the basement, I could work on inventions and help you out.

Masked Bagger: Mindy’s responsible for you. If you do anything to cause me to lose trust in you, it’s on her. And I know you wouldn’t want anything to happen to her. Correct?

Masked Beggar: That’s correct. But you don’t have to worry. Mindy showed me something that I can wear around my ankle. If I go too far up the stairs, it will shock me… real bad.

Miss Dalton: Yes, I found it when I was rummaging around here last week looking for my, uh, okay, I was just snooping.

CUT TO: Back to Bernie, Ben and Hailie, who are now joined by Mr. Bartlett in the break room.

Bernie Boswell: I am not your normal human being.

Ben Davis: That might be the first thing we’ve ever agreed on.

Bernie Boswell: The reason I started Boswellity was because I wanted attention. I admit that. Originally, I was a fraud. No one took the time to pay any attention to what my religion was about, so it could have been about anything. But regardless of what it is, you all just mock me for it.

Mr. Bartlett: To be fair, you’re a pretty mock-able guy.

Bernie Boswell: I used to say I couldn’t die. However, that was a lie. At least at the time I was just making it up. Until I had my near death experience. Hailie, you’ll remember that time Pineapple-Man stabbed me and I almost died.

Hailie Morgan: Why would I remember?

Bernie Boswell: Because you were hot for the guy who did it. You even dressed up as the Pineapple-Princess to get with him. “Press it” as you call it.

Ben laughs. That ticks Hailie off.

Bernie Boswell: Anyways, my father, who’s an inventor slash scientist, injected me with a serum to prevent me from dying from anything other than old age when the serum eventually wears off, which should be in a few hundred years.

Hailie Morgan: He be whacked out his mind!

Bernie Boswell: He “be” a great man, who just happens to use me as a guinea pig for his experiments from time to time, which now that I say that out loud, I realize he’s not a very good father.

Ben Davis: No, I’d say not.

Bernie Boswell: Anyways, this one worked. I will continue to look twenty-one years old forever. And so Boswellity became about living for hundreds of years. Chapman was my only follower. I even injected him with some of my blood, so he too, would live a super long life and be free of disease. Who knew he’d turn into a damned super villain though?

Hailie Morgan: Wait a second. What be this offer you have for us?

Bernie Boswell: I’ll inject some of my blood into you. You’ll look whatever age you are now, for the rest of your life and you’ll live a couple hundred years. I mean, you know, if it works. You may need the actual serum, but my dad has it locked up and he won’t let me touch it.

Mr. Bartlett: I have a question.

Bernie Boswell: What?

Mr. Bartlett: How does Kroger let such an unstable person work at the store? You have severe issues, and it used to be funny but now it’s just sad. I’m going to call in Dr. Whetstone to have some sessions with you -- and yes, I’m allowing shock treatment. And not only that, but I kind of want to be there when it happens.

Ben Davis: Oh come on, Mr. Bartlett. Bernie’s just upset because his best friend has gone to the dark side. He doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. Let’s just play along.

Bernie Boswell: I will prove to you that what I’m saying is the truth. I will jump off the roof of this building and survive.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy is tied up to a pole in the back dock hallway. Cutter walks over to him.

Cutter Magee: Are you and Masked Bagger like brothers?

Cart-Boy: He acts like he’s my older brother sometimes.

Cutter Magee: So, he would be devastated if you died?

Cart-Boy: I’m starting to think so, yes. The more I think about it, the more I realize he *does* care about me. Wow, what a good feeling.

Cutter Magee: This is a great feeling because after I kill you, Bagger will be heart broken.

Cart-Boy: Wait, what? Did you say “Masked Bagger”? I thought you said “Nasty Bagger,” referring to that gross kid who bags groceries and stinks to high hell. We all call him the “nasty bagger.” But what can I say? He cares for me. Masked Bagger, however, cares nothing for me.

Cutter Magee: No, no. Masked Bagger cares for you. Why wouldn’t he? You’re a nice kid and a great sidekick and a good friend.

Cart-Boy: (touched) Hey thanks.

Cutter Magee: Alright. Time to get Masked Bagger so I can kill you in front of him.

Cart-Boy: Your compliments come with a sting, don’t they?

CUT TO: Adam and Mindy are in the manager’s office.

Adam Hauck: I hope I’m not making a mistake.

Miss Dalton: Relax, Adam. Everything will be fine. He’s good now.

Adam Hauck: I don’t care how good he is. I just don’t like the guy.

Miss Dalton: Why not? He’s you.

Adam Hauck: He’s me, but better. He’s a genius who was able to get you to fall in love with him. I’m a superhero and I can’t get any women to fall in love with me. I’d even settle for lust.

Miss Dalton: Oh, come on.

Adam Hauck: It was one thing when he was a bad guy, but now he’s good again and apparently you *like* the shabby way he looks. So, how is he not better than me?

Miss Dalton: It’s not about being better. You were both born the same but made different choices in life.

Adam Hauck: So, I’m a genius, too?

Miss Dalton: No, of course not. But you could have been if you’d paid attention in school and worked on science projects on the weekends instead of watching reruns of “I Love Lucy.”

Adam Hauck: I regret nothing.

Suddenly, there’s a page on the intercom from Cutter Magee.

Cutter Magee on Intercom: Masked Bagger to the back dock. Masked Bagger to the back dock.

Adam Hauck: That sounds like Cutter Magee!

He presses his belt buckle, morphing into Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Time to go to work.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger marches to the back dock and pushes open the doors. He spots Cart-Boy at the end of the hallway, tied up.

Masked Bagger: Cutter Magee? Where are you?

Cutter appears.

Cutter Magee: Right here. I’ve got your buddy all tied up.

Masked Bagger: I had no idea you were into bondage, but I should let you know that he’s a minor, so any kinky stuff will land you in prison… and I’m not talking the Kroger basement prison, either.

Cutter Magee: Always being funny. I suppose you thought it was a hoot when you killed my brother!

Masked Bagger: I didn’t kill Scraper. I just didn’t stand there and let him kill me.

Cutter Magee: He was my BROTHER! Do you know what it’s like to lose a brother?

Masked Bagger: Not a biological brother, but a brother-in-arms.

Cutter Magee: Well, get ready to go through that pain all over again as I kill Cart-Boy in front of your very own eyes.

Masked Bagger quickly takes out his bag-gun… a little too quickly and he drops it. You didn’t expect him to successfully bag the villain right away, did you?

Cutter Magee: (laughs) You really are a funny one!

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Hey, thanks!

The 717 Guardian bends over to pick the bag-gun up when Cutter knees him in the head and takes out his box cutter. He’s about to take a swipe across our hero’s masculine chest, but Bagger grabs his arm with one hand, and punches him in the stomach with the other.

Masked Bagger: I got some pretty sweet moves!

Cutter Magee: You got kicked in the face, then blocked an attack and punched me. Let’s not act like you’re a master of fights.

Masked Bagger: Well okay, but I am winning *this* fight.

Cutter Magee: You are NOT winning this fight!

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) Well YOU’RE not winning it, Cutter!

Cutter Magee: I knew I should have put some duct tape over his mouth, but I was hoping to hear him beg for his life moments before I kill him.

Masked Bagger: There will be no killing here today. Cart-Boy wasn’t even active when Scraper died. Why take it out on him?

Cutter Magee: Because he’s your sidekick. I want to see you lose someone special to you before I end your life, too.

Masked Bagger: (laughs) And you chose *him*? Come on, I can’t stand the teenage twerp. He causes headaches. He’s inconsiderate. He’s selfish. He’s annoying.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) Is there any way you could kill Masked Bagger before killing me? I wouldn’t mind seeing that before I go!

Cutter Magee: Don’t believe what he’s saying for one second. He’s trying to get me to change my mind about killing you by making me believe he doesn’t care about you. But he does.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) Bagger, is that true?

Masked Bagger: No, of course it’s not true. I hate you. In fact, if I had it in me to kill people, I’d shove Cutter out of the way and kill you myself.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) You douche bag!

Of course Masked Bagger was lying. Over the months of working with Chris Ward, he’s begun to think of him as a kid brother. He’s just hoping he can convince Cutter Magee that it’s not true.

Cutter Magee: This reminds me of all my wonderful chats with Scraper. He always bullied me and made me feel like I was a dummy. I hated that about him. He made me feel like a nobody sometimes.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) Yeah, looks like he’s literally a *nobody* right now!

Cutter Magee: (furious) That is my brother you’re talking about!

Masked Bagger: Forget Cart-Boy. He’s a teenager. Teens say stupid, inappropriate things sometimes. I remember at my uncle’s funeral when I was 14, I went up to speak about him and began roasting him.

Cutter Magee: You had a lighter with you?

Masked Bagger: No, roasting him like the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts. I’ve never seen a full episode, but the infomercials always looked funny to me.

Cutter Magee: Oh well, then your story is less awesome.

Masked Bagger: Sorry I’m not evil like you.

Cutter Magee: Okay, chit-chat over. Time to kill.

Masked Bagger: You mean it’s time to get put in a big brown plastic Kroger bag.

Our hero runs over and picks up the bag-gun, he aims it at Cutter, who throws a box cutter at him. Bagger jumps out of the way and while he’s distracted, Magee gets back on his jack and - at full force - rams into the 717 Guardian, causing him to fly in the air and land on his back, of course dropping the bag-gun in the process.

Cutter Magee: Just lay there and watch as your teenage buddy is impaled. And just remember it’s all because you let Scraper die. THIS is the price you pay for your actions last year!

Cutter takes out a long, sharp sword and attaches it to the front of his hand-jack. Bagger starts to get up but Magee kicks him in the face, keeping him down.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) I’m feeling weird. I’m feeling… possessed!

Cutter Magee: Say what?

The teen hero had to think fast and pretend to be possessed by the late Scraper Magee.

Cart-Boy: (from a distance) I am (clears throat) Scraper. Your brother. Please don’t take this innocent life because of me. Return to your cell and make me proud by being the best person you can be. (clears throat) Possession over.

Cutter Magee: Scrapes, it’s actually you. I *will* be the best person I can be… for you, brother.

Cart-Boy: (relieved) Oh good.

Cutter Magee: Of course, even the *best* person I can be is still a murderous, vindictive, s.o.b. So, back to killing the kid.

Masked Bagger watches as Cutter Magee takes off on his hand-jack. He grabs the bag-gun off the floor, gets up and chases after the baddie, but he isn’t fast enough. Cart-Boy is standing there, wincing, with the knowledge he’s about to be impaled. So yeah, it’s a pretty serious situation.

Cutter Magee: You die now!!!

Just before the sword reaches the Cart-Boy’s chest, the hand-jack stops suddenly. Cutter looks embarrassed. There was a little sliver of wood on the floor, and as anyone who’s ever pulled a hand-jack knows, those will stop one on the spot.

Cutter Magee: (embarrassed) Okay, so you won’t die *now*, but pretty soon.

Masked Bagger runs over and punches Cutter in the face, causing him to fall to the floor. Our precious hero takes his bag-gun and shoots the villain with it, capturing him in a big Kroger bag.

Masked Bagger: Let me get my own box cutter and get you out of those ropes, Carts.

Cart-Boy: Thanks, Masked Bagger.

Bagger cuts Cart-Boy free.

Cart-Boy: You see what I saying earlier about life being short? This is why I have to marry Rachel before I’m, you know, dead.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. Bernie’s married to a dead woman, and they seem to be doing fine.

CUT TO: The roof of Kroger. Bernie is up there along with Mr. Bartlett, Ben and Hailie.

Ben Davis: Okay, we’re up here, Bernie. But let’s go. I’m having flashbacks from last year when Hailie and I were up here with those insane Magee brothers.

Bernie Boswell: To prove I can survive anything and will live for hundreds of years, I shall jump off the roof of this building and be fine.

Mr. Bartlett: You go guy.

Not believing that Bernie will actually go through with it, Bartlett, Ben and Hailie stand by without trying to stop him. Bernie peeks over the edge and looks down. It would be instant death -- just like it was for Scraper, a year prior.

Bernie Boswell: This one’s for you, Chappy. Thanks for believing in me, up until you didn’t anymore.

Bernie takes a deep breath and jumps off the roof. He falls through the air and hits the ground.

CUT TO: A deceased Bernie Boswell inside his casket in a funeral parlor. There’s a room full of mourners. However, none of them are familiar to you the reader. That’s because everybody who worked for Kroger in 2016 has been dead for many years. For you see, Bernie’s funeral is in the year 2275!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE #34. A Witch, a Hood-Rat & a Future Girl

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell

Guest Starring:
Becca the Bakery Witch [pictured below]
Maitland Collins [pictured below]
Masked Beggar
Austin Slaughter [pictured below]
Bill Boswell [pictured below]
Agent Jensen [pictured below]

ISSUE #34. A Witch, a Hood-Rat & a Future Girl

Originally released on September 19th, 2016

And Now The Story…

Mr. Bartlett enters the store. There to greet him is Bernie Boswell, sitting in a wheelchair, wearing a full body cast. He survived the jump off the roof, but didn’t think about the fact that the impact would still break every bone in his body. Rather than given time off, however, he was told to be a greeter.

Bernie Boswell: Welcome to Kroger.

Mr. Bartlett: Thanks, Bernie, and how are you doing today?

Bernie Boswell: Okay. The cast comes off tomorrow.

Mr. Bartlett: That’s great news, because to be honest, I feel bad seeing you like this.

Bernie Boswell: Thanks, sir. I feel bad being in this condition.

Mr. Bartlett: Well maybe next time you won’t jump off a roof to prove a point. What if you’d have been wrong?

Bernie Boswell: Then my spirit would be forced to be a greeter right now instead of my broken body.

Mr. Bartlett: You got it.

CUT TO: Adam is in the break room by himself. He’s feeling down that he’s thirty-four and still doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Adam Hauck: Please God, I know I ask for a lot, so it shouldn’t surprise you that I’m asking for a girlfriend, too. I just want someone to love. Someone to love me. I’m Adam. Where’s my Eve?

Suddenly there’s a flash of lightning. Maitland Collins arrives in the break room, wearing clothes that are torn. Adam sits there, looking at her in amazement and confusion.

Adam Hauck: Eve? That you?

Maitland turns around and notices him. Adam had seen a birthmark on her lower back, thanks to the holes in her clothing.

Maitland Collins: Hello. Why are you looking at me so funny?

Adam Hauck: Well besides you just appearing from nowhere, that birthmark looks familiar. I feel like I’ve seen it on a baby recently, but that makes no sense, as I don’t go around looking at baby’s lower backs.

Maitland Collins: There’s something I should tell you.

Adam Hauck: (snaps fingers) I remember! Katie’s baby. I delivered a baby a little over a year ago who had that exact same birthmark.

Maitland Collins: I know. I *am* that baby.

Adam Hauck: You’re Maitland Collins - Katie’s daughter?

Maitland Collins: Yes.

Adam Hauck: Just the other day, Katie was saying how fast you’re growing up. I had no idea though!

Maitland Collins: I have a story to tell you about that. But first, would you get me some fresh clothes?

Adam Hauck: Oh right! On it.

Maitland Collins: Good. Thanks.

Adam Hauck: You’re in luck because the clothes are just in that room over there. You don’t mind wearing a Kroger uniform, do you?

Maitland Collins: I’ve worn worse.

CUT TO: A few minutes later, Maitland is wearing Kroger clothes and is seated, telling Adam the story of her arrival.

Maitland Collins: Scrominians sent me back in time as a punishment. They intended on sending me all the way back to the dawn of time, but I have a friend who fiddled with the time machine and chose a cozier destination for me.

Adam Hauck: Scrominians are bad? They’ve always helped us out before.

Maitland Collins: They started off peaceful with the human race but that was only an act. And only a select few people knew of their existence in the first place. In about ten years, the Scrominians make their presence known to the general public and it starts a huge war when they decide to take over the planet with the purpose of using it as their trash bin. Earth has been battling them ever since. The Scrominians don’t care about keeping Earth though. They’re perfectly fine with destroying it, which they’ve tried in the past… well my past, your future. I’ve joined the army and am currently fighting against them. That’s why I’m here. I was a prisoner of war. I tend to go off and fight them all by myself. Usually I’m successful, but not this time.

Adam Hauck: This is amazing. I can’t get over this.

Maitland Collins: I know. It’s pretty kabloian.

Adam Hauck: “Kabloian”?

Maitland Collins: What, you guys don’t use that word yet?

Adam Hauck: Not to my knowledge. But then again I’m not the hippest cat around.

Maitland Collins: Oh, well it just means unbelievable.

Adam Hauck: There’s a couple of questions I have for you. First off, when I told you I delivered you as a baby, why were you not surprised? It was as Masked Bagger that I delivered you.

Maitland Collins: Because in the year I come from, your secret is already out.

Adam Hauck: What year did you come from?

Maitland Collins: I left the year 2036.

Adam Hauck: How are you getting back?

Maitland Collins: I have no clue. Bernie will probably try and help bring me back home, but there’s a huge chance he’ll fail. Well you know Bernie.

Adam Hauck: Boswell?

Maitland Collins: Yeah. He’s my sidekick and best friend in the future.

Adam Hauck: Okay, things are really weird anymore. In fact, I can’t think of anything weirder than that.

CUT TO: The bakery. A customer is complaining about whatever it is customers complain about. Becca, a bakery employee, aged 34, is fed up with his outrageous attitude.

Becca the Bakery Witch: Please, sir, if you don’t calm down, there will be a consequence.

Irate Customer: You’re right! There WILL be a consequence! I’m out to get your fat ass fired!

Becca the Bakery Witch: Fat ass?!?

Chris Ward walks by and witnesses as Becca makes a gesture with her hands, turning the customer into a sugar cookie shaped like himself. She then puts him on the counter with the other free cookies for the kids. Chris freaks out and runs off to become Cart-Boy. He soon returns.

Cart-Boy: Hold it right there, Becca! I don’t know how you did it, but you turned a customer into a cookie!

Becca the Bakery Witch: I did? I did not!

Cart-Boy: You did! I saw it.

Becca the Bakery Witch: Prove it. Where’s the cookie?

Carts looks on the shelf and notices that the cookie isn’t there. Is the teen hero losing his mind? Did he just imagine the whole thing? No! He looks over and spots a little kid with the cookie about to take a bite out of it. Cart-Boy runs over and swipes it out of their hands, causing little Stacy to cry. This, of course, gets the attention of her mom.

Stacy’s Mom: What’s happening here?

Cart-Boy: I need that cookie.

Stacy’s Mom: That’s my little girl’s cookie!

Stacy’s mom (who’s got it going on) strikes Cart-Boy with her purse. Wheels pop out of his shoes and he skates away, but the furious parent isn’t letting him off the hook that easily. She chases after him.

(Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSGjevDzBpk)

CUT TO: Ben looks miserable. He is extremely depressed. He walks into Mindy’s office. She’s sitting at her desk.

Ben Davis: What have I done?

Miss Dalton: Excuse me?

Ben Davis: Why did I dump Hailie?

Miss Dalton: Didn’t you do that three months ago?

Ben Davis: Yes, and I regretted it almost immediately, but I kept assuming the hurt would go away. But here we are and I’m still hurting. Maybe it still hurts because the universe wants us to be together and it is telling me not to give up on her.

Miss Dalton: Maybe. Or maybe you’re just a psycho.

Ben Davis: No, it’s not that.

Miss Dalton: Things will be fine. You just need to move on.

Ben Davis: (sarcastically) You’re a great help.

Miss Dalton: I’m just here to keep this store afloat. I don’t give out relationship advice.

Ben Davis: Well then I’m outta here.

Miss Dalton: Wait. Before you go, I *do* have some advice.

Ben Davis: What is it?

Miss Dalton: Plenty of Hoodrats. It’s a dating website. The women on there are just what you’re looking for.

Ben Davis: Trust me. If I don’t get Hailie back, I don’t want anyone who remotely resembles her.

Ben leaves the office and walks past Hailie flirting with some guy. This ticks him off.

Ben Davis: What’s going on here?

Some Guy: Excuse me?

Ben Davis: I asked a simple question. What’s going on here?

Hailie Morgan: There be nothing going on here that concerns you.

Ben Davis: How do you figure?

Hailie Morgan: We done broke up!

Ben Davis: We’re broken up until you come to your senses. Although I admit for you that could take a while.

Hailie Morgan: I done come to my senses when I dumped your brown booty!

Ben Davis: It’s tacky to bring race into this.

Hailie Morgan: Oh please. You wanted your 4 year-old niece to refer to us as Aunt Vanilla and Uncle Chocolate. This whole relationship has been about race.

Ben Davis: Not true. It’s been about love and respect until you couldn’t handle a simple eccentricity of mine. And besides, I dumped YOU.

Hailie Morgan: After I took your pathetic “My Little Pony” lovin’ ass back when I *thought* you was done with that children’s show.

Some Guy: This is very uncomfortable for me.

Ben Davis: Why are you still here?

Some Guy: Well, I’m kinda flirting with “Aunt Vanilla” here.

Ben Davis: I knew it! Put up your dukes. We’re gonna fight.

Hailie Morgan: No you ain’t. You’re gonna walk away and let me and this guy have a chat.

Ben Davis: That’s it. If I walk away… our relationship is over.

Hailie Morgan: Okay.

Ben Davis: Okay?

Hailie Morgan: I said it.

Ben Davis: (sad) Fine.

Ben walks away, not sure of what his next move will be but 85% sure that he’s never going to be with Hailie again.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy runs over to Adam, who just left the restroom and is headed for the break room to talk some more with Maitland.

Cart-Boy: Adam! Adam! I have to tell you something!

Adam Hauck: What is it?

Cart-Boy: It’s Becca from the bakery. She’s a witch!

Adam Hauck: Becca the Bakery Witch? I like the sound of that.

Cart-Boy: Well you won’t like what she’s doing! She turned a customer into a cookie. This one!

Chris hands Adam the cookie.

Adam Hauck: Uh, I don’t know what to do with this.

Cart-Boy: Fine. I’ll take the cookie downstairs to Masked Beggar and see if he can do something about it. In the meantime, morph into Masked Bagger and capture Becca!

Adam Hauck: Why didn’t you capture her?

Cart-Boy: I had to deal with this crazed mom.

Adam Hauck: Which one?

Just then, Stacy’s mom, who’d been chasing after Cart-Boy, finally caught up with him.

Stacy’s Mom: There you are -- you creep!

Cart-Boy: THAT one! Gotta go!

Cart-Boy races off with cookie in hand, headed for the basement lab.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters the bakery, but there is no Becca in sight.

Masked Bagger: Becca? Are you here?

He waits a moment and there’s no response.

Masked Bagger: Well it’s past three. Maybe she went home for the day.

Our precious hero turns around and just then, Becca pops out of a large oven (which was turned off). She waves her fingers around and a spell is cast on Bagger, turning him into a sugar cookie. One might call him a Sugar Bagger. Anyways, she picks him up and puts him on the free cookies shelf, and continues working her shift.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Cart-Boy and Masked Beggar are down there.

Masked Beggar: I believe by reversing the action that took place to his molecules, I can return him to his human form. There’s just one slight problem.

Cart-Boy: What’s that?

Masked Beggar: I don’t know how to do that.

Cart-Boy: What?!

Masked Beggar: Hey, it takes a smart man to be able to admit to not being able to do something. And just because I don’t know now, doesn’t mean I’m giving up. I’ll figure out a way to fix this guy.

Cart-Boy: Okay. I’d better go check on the Bagger. That Becca’s a tricky witch.

Masked Beggar: Just check the monitor.

Cart-Boy: Oh, yeah.

Cart-Boy looks over at the monitor and sees Becca working. He doesn’t spot the 717 Guardian, but does notice a cookie shaped like the 717 Guardian on the shelf.

Cart-Boy: Crap!

The teen hero races upstairs.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy is back at the bakery. He looks on the shelf, but the cookie is missing. He looks over and sees a little boy holding the cookie, about to take a bite. He races over to the lad and swipes the cookie from his hand.

Cart-Boy: I’m sorry, kid. But this is a very important cookie.

A man comes over and spots the interaction between the costumed teen and his young son, Mason.

Mason’s Dad: What’s going on here?

Cart-Boy: I need your son’s cookie. It’s very important.

Mason’s Dad: I don’t understand.

Just then, Stacy’s mom walks by with her daughter and spots Cart-Boy.

Stacy’s Mom: That’s him Steve! That’s the guy who stole Stacy’s cookie!

Mason’s Dad: Now he’s taken Mason’s cookie as well.

Stacy’s Mom: What kind of a cookie-stealing fetish do you have?

Cart-Boy: Here’s a five dollar bill. Go and buy yourself an entire pack of cookies and keep the change. But I don’t have time for this.

The young hero runs off.

CUT TO: Maitland (again, in her new Kroger clothes) begins to explore her new surroundings. She leaves the break room and walks around the store. She’s intrigued about a store that to her is over twenty years old. Mr. Bartlett walks by and takes notice of her.

Mr. Bartlett: Why hello there. You must be new here. I’m Brad Bartlett, but you can call me Mister B.

Maitland Collins: Um, okay.

Mr. Bartlett: I’m from corporate but don’t be nervous around me. I’m not out to scare the staff or anything. I work alongside the Masked Bagger. I’m sure you’ve heard of him.

Maitland Collins: Of course. Who hasn’t? He’s epic. I’ve never heard of *you* before, though.

Mr. Bartlett: Well if not for me, there would be no Masked Bagger.

Maitland Collins: How’s that?

Mr. Bartlett: I was hoping you wouldn't question it and just accept it as the truth. It’s funny, I don’t recall Miss Dalton saying she was going to hire anyone.

Maitland Collins: Who’s Miss Dalton?

Mr. Bartlett: Store manager. Who are *you*?

Maitland Collins: Just your friendly neighborhood Kroger employee. My name’s Maitland.

Mr. Bartlett: That’s funny. One of our employees has a baby named Maitland.

Maitland Collins: (defensive) Well then I must be her all grown up and visiting from the future, because there’s only supposed to be one Maitland in the world at a time.

Mr. Bartlett: (confused) Uh-huh. Well, I’ll be on my way.

He walks away. Maitland continues her travels of a previous 717 store.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Masked Beggar and Cart-Boy are standing by as both cookies are propped up opposite a laser beam machine.

Masked Beggar: This laser beam should do the trick.

He aims it at the cookie and presses a button. The laser beam shoots out, making impact with the cookie, which immediately explodes.

Cart-Boy: No!

Masked Beggar: Well that didn’t go according to plan.

Cart-Boy: What now?

Masked Beggar: I’m going to change the settings on the laser and try again.

Cart-Boy: You’re not doing that to Masked Bagger!?!

Masked Beggar: Of course I am. Do you see any other people-shaped cookies around? Come on now - trial and error. I’ll get it.

Cart-Boy: You’ve still got some evil inside you, don’t you?

Masked Beggar: I’m taming it the best I can.

The homeless scientist makes an adjustment to the laser and presses the button. The beam hits the cookie and fortunately (and not very surprising to you, the reader) it transforms back into the 717 Guardian.

Masked Bagger: Why do I feel like diabetes?

Cart-Boy: You were a sugar cookie. It was Becca. She turned you.

Masked Bagger: She did? Well that was crummy!

Not all of the Bagger’s jokes are funny, but he tries.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell is still up front in his wheelchair and body cast. Austin Slaughter enters the store with his young daughter, Maitland.

Bernie Boswell: Welcome to Kroger, Austin. What, no Katie today?

Austin Slaughter: Didn’t you hear? Katie and I broke up recently. I’m just taking little Maitland here with me while I go shopping.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, I’m sorry to hear about you and Katie.

Austin Slaughter: Don’t worry. I already found someone better.

Bernie Boswell: A new girlfriend so fast?

Austin Slaughter: No, no. I’m talking about Maitland. Turns out *she’s* the love of my life. Katie was just the person I needed to make Maitland a reality.

Bernie Boswell: Well, that’s nice. But I just have to ask. You don’t mean you’re dating your baby daughter? Because that would turn this incredibly sweet moment into a creepy and disturbing one.

Austin Slaughter: Dude, YOU just turned this moment into a creepy and disturbing one. I’m walking away now.

Austin pushes the cart - with baby Maitland inside - into the store and away from Bernie. Just then, Adam and Chris walk over to the bagger’s closet, talking about ADULT Maitland’s arrival. Bernie eavesdrops.

Adam Hauck: …and that girl’s name is Maitland Collins.

Chris Ward: Katie’s daughter?

Adam Hauck: Yep. She’s here alright and she is hot.

Chris Ward: Really? You think she’s hot?

Adam Hauck: Trust me. I just saw her. Wouldn’t it be funny if Maitland and I got together? Especially since Katie’s her mom and I spent a great deal of time trying to get Katie to fall in love with me. That’s what would make it so funny.

Chris Ward: Well, why would you think she’d want you? No offense.

Adam Hauck: Moments before she arrived, I was praying to God about wanting a girlfriend. Suddenly she shows up. Coincidence? I think not!

The two baggers then take off. Bernie is freaked out and looks at the front office person.

Bernie Boswell: Hey, quick, call my uncle and put the phone up to my face. There’s something I have to say to him.

CUT TO: Adam walks into the break room. Bill Boswell - Berne’s uncle - is standing in there, waiting for him. Bill is under the belief that Adam’s comments were about the baby Maitland and is here to confront him over it.

Bill Boswell: Please have a seat.

Adam Hauck: What’s going on? Who are you?

Bill Boswell: Who am I? Who are you?

Adam Hauck: I’m… Adam.

Bill Boswell: Adam Hauck?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Bill Boswell: I hear you have a thing for Maitland Collins. Is this true?

Adam Hauck: Where did you hear that and how do you know Maitland?

Bill Boswell: It’s not important. Is it true?

Adam thinks Bill is referring to the adult version of Maitland, who’s over ten years younger than him.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I think she’s hot. So what? I’m not going to do anything with her.

Bill Boswell: Because of her age?

Adam Hauck: Well no. I mean age is just a number.

Bill Boswell: You’re a sicko.

Adam Hauck: Sicko? Look, I admit she’s younger than me and for some guys that may be a problem, but not for me. But again, I’m not going to do anything with her. She’s Katie’s, er, uh, I mean she’s a friend’s daughter and that would be weird.

Bill Boswell: *That* would be weird? Not the fact that she’s a baby?

Adam Hauck: Look we’ve already addressed the fact that she’s younger than me and I’m sure at your age, everyone who’s under thirty seems like a “baby” but she is not a baby to me. She’s a babe… but not a baby.

Bill Boswell: She’s not a baby? She’s just over a year old! That’s not a baby to you?!?!

Adam Hauck: Wait, what?

CUT TO: Ben walks into Miss Dalton’s office.

Ben Davis: Miss Dalton, I’ve got good news.

Miss Dalton: What is it?

Ben Davis: I met a girl online.

Miss Dalton: Really? You went to Plenty of Hoodrats?

Ben Davis: No, of course not. But that gave me the idea to go to a dating website that didn’t sound nuts. I messaged this girl named Lisa and she actually messaged me back. We have so much in common. She’s also a writer, but she writes children’s books. None of them have been published yet, but I’m sure they will be. And she also works for Kroger. Not this one, obviously. But anyways, I said something funny to her and she said “LOL.” You know what that means, don’t you? That means she was laughing out loud at what I had said. That means I still got it. I can still put a smile on the face of women. Which also means - forget Hailie. I’m gonna be just fine without her.

Miss Dalton: That’s great news, Ben.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy enters the bakery. Becca is back from her break.

Cart-Boy: Becca, this is it. It’s time to come with me.

Becca the Bakery Witch: I don’t think so, sonny.

Becca moves her fingers around, about to turn ol’ Carts into a cookie, however, the teen hero gets out his bag-gun and shoots her with it. She’s been bagged. After his victory, Cart-Boy looks over and notices a shelf full of sugar cookies in the shapes of people.

Cart-Boy: You have certainly been a busy little witch, haven’t you, Becca?

He grabs all the cookies and heads downstairs to have Masked Beggar return them to human form.

CUT TO: Maitland is sitting in the break room. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: Okay, Mindy knows who you are and you’re gonna stay here under the guise of a cashier. You’ll only get a few hours a week so you’ll be able to work in the basement lab with Masked Beggar on a time machine and, as for your living arrangements, you can live with me.

Maitland Collins: With you? Look, I appreciate your help but I’m not into you *that* way.

Adam Hauck: No one is. But I was just referring to as friends. I delivered you a year ago. I think you’re attractive but I can’t get past the fact that you’re still a baby in my time and also that you’re Katie’s daughter. Things are just too weird for me to ever want to be with you in any way other than as friends.

Maitland Collins: Okay. Sounds good.

Adam Hauck: Just don’t reveal your last name to anybody and also never interact with your mom. It could result in some pretty heavy moments.

Maitland Collins: I won’t. I just want to do my job and figure a way to get back home.

Adam Hauck: Great. Welcome to 717.

CUT TO: The next day, Bernie finally has his body cast off and is sitting in the break room, still sore from his first day back as a bagger. Adam and Maitland are there explaining what their situation is.

Adam Hauck: So you see, Bernie… THIS is the Maitland Collins I was talking about. She’s here from the future.

Bernie Boswell: Oh, well that makes sense. Kind of.

Maitland Collins: It’s better than Adam talking about how hot a baby is. I’m surprised at you, Bernie. You aren’t this dumb in the future.

Bernie Boswell: Future? You know me in the future?

Maitland Collins: Of course I do. We’re pals. And you look just like you do now.

Bernie Boswell: Because of the serum my dad gave me!

Maitland Collins: Yep.

Bernie Boswell: This is great!

Maitland Collins: Sure is.

Adam Hauck: Well, we have to go now. Our break is up.

Bernie Boswell: Okay. See you Adam. And I’ll see *you* (talking to Maitland) in the future.

Maitland Collins: Right on.

Adam and Maitland leave. Moments later, Agent Jensen enters the break room.

Agent Jensen: Bernie Boswell?

Bernie looks at the government agent.

Bernie Boswell: Yes?

Agent Jensen: I’m Agent Jensen. I need you to come with me. There’s a matter we need to discuss.

Bernie Boswell: What?

Agent Jensen: A life elongating serum.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE #35. Deliver Us From Evil

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Bernie Boswell

Guest Starring:
King Kroger [pictured below]
Jarlen Mather [pictured below]
Maitland Collins
Masked Beggar
Agent Jensen
Jacey Johnson
Katie Collins

ISSUE #35. Deliver Us From Evil

Originally released on October 30th, 2016

And Now You Must Read The Story…

Adam Hauck returns to Kroger after a week’s vacation. However, once he gets to the doors, he notices that they’re boarded up, and there’s a sign saying “Out of Business” posted. This makes no sense. No one said anything about this to Adam. He looks around and then morphs into Masked Bagger. He walks around back and enters the basement lab through his secret entrance.

Inside the basement lab, the 717 Guardian walks over and spots Masked Beggar.

Masked Bagger: Beggar, what’s going on here?

Masked Beggar: Oh, thank goodness you’re here. There’s serious trouble at the store. King Kroger has taken over and turned all of the employees into his slaves.

Masked Bagger: King Kroger?

Masked Beggar: He’s a new super villain. Originally, Fred Kroger, he’s a descendant of the store’s founder.

Masked Bagger: How long has this been going on?

Masked Beggar: A day after you left.

Masked Bagger: Well, I’m here now. But isn’t Cart-Boy here?

Masked Beggar: Everyone’s here, but King Kroger was just too strong an adversary for the teen titan. Plus, he turned a few customers into his own servants, and they help him keep the employees in line.

Masked Bagger: Why didn’t anyone leave through my secret entrance?

Masked Beggar: Because it’s a secret entrance. None of us knew about it! This is great. We’re saved!

Just then, three customers break into the basement lab.

Customer #1: King Kroger… he’s here! He’s here!

Walking down the stairs in a calm manner, comes King Kroger. He takes one look at Masked Bagger and takes out a dart gun. The Monarch of Retail shoots the 717 Guardian, causing him to fall to the floor.

King Kroger: Well that’s done. How did he enter the building, Beggar?

Masked Beggar: I don’t know.

Customer #2: There’s a secret entrance. We heard them talking about it, your majesty!

King Kroger: We’ll have to board it up. Peasants, please take the superhero upstairs and place him in the pillory.

They carry Bagger upstairs. King Kroger stays and stares down the Beggar.

Masked Beggar: What?

King Kroger: I wonder why you didn’t report this secret entrance to me the moment it was discovered.

Masked Beggar: Because I’m not one of your cronies.

The king takes out a gun and aims it at the homeless hero, who then gets quite nervous.

Masked Beggar: And because I discovered it only a couple minutes before you came down here. There wasn’t enough time for me to inform you.

King Kroger: Strike one. Two more strikes and I execute you.

Masked Beggar: We don’t want that.

King Kroger: Correction. YOU don’t want that.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell is in a government building with Agent Jensen.

Bernie Boswell: Please, let’s end this. These constant tests are wearing me out.

Agent Jensen: We need to make sure you’ll live for hundreds of years.

Bernie Boswell: But how would you even know? You won’t be around in a hundred years.

Agent Jensen: True, but we just want to make sure you can’t be killed, which would in turn, prove your claims to live for hundreds of years.

Bernie Boswell: Can’t you just take my word for it? I’m an honest guy.

Agent Jensen: Well, if what you say is true, this is a big deal and we can’t have you mingling with regular people. They’d start to wonder why you never change appearance as the years go by. You’ll have to quit your job at Kroger and be a government agent. We’ll take care of you here.

Bernie Boswell: But I like my job at Kroger.

Agent Jensen: What exactly is your position there?

Bernie Boswell: Hmm, let’s see. I started out in produce and worked my way up to head of the department. Then I became a D.J. for the Kroger radio station. Then I became a bagger and now I’m a… well, I guess I’m still a bagger.

Agent Jensen: You really worked your way down, didn’t you? Well anyways, you are a bagger no more. You are now a secret agent. I mean if you can’t die, there’s no risk involved. It’s great.

Bernie Boswell: Um, there *is* a risk involved. I could be buried alive and no one would find me, and I’d spend a couple centuries alive inside a pine box.

Agent Jensen: Good point. Just do your best to avoid situations like that. Okay?

Bernie Boswell: I’ll try.

CUT TO: The great king of Kroger is doing his rounds, checking on everybody. He soon spots Jeffrey, an employee who has his back turned to him.

King Kroger: Jeffrey, turn around.

The employee doesn’t respond. This upsets the King.

King Kroger: I repeat, turn around, Jeffrey.

He still doesn’t. Mr. Bartlett notices what’s going on.

Mr. Bartlett: I’m sorry, your majesty. Jeffrey’s deaf and dumb.

King Kroger: You say he cannot hear or speak?

Mr. Bartlett: Oh, is *that* what “deaf and dumb” means?

King Kroger: Never mind. You’ll do.

Mr. Bartlett: I’ll do… what?

King Kroger: I need to be amused. Amuse me.

Mr. Bartlett: It’s time my stand-up act makes its Kroger debut. I’ve been working on this for years now.

King Kroger: Well, make me laugh.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay. (clears throat) Knock, knock.

King Kroger: Who’s there?

Mr. Bartlett: Brad.

King Kroger: Brad who?

Mr. Bartlett: Brad Bartlett. This isn’t a knock-knock joke! I’m getting my name out there so people will remember me.

King Kroger: (sighs) Oh well. Continue.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay. (clears throat) What a wonderful looking audience we have here today, filled with a lot of beautiful people. And speaking of beautiful people, I was looking at myself in the mirror yesterday, totally naked. I was checking myself out when it dawned on me. I am two people when I look into a mirror. I am both the one being looked at and the one doing the looking. If that doesn’t make you stop and think, nothing will. Onto the next joke.

King Kroger: *That* was a joke?

Mr. Bartlett: Yeah well, it’s more life musings than laugh out loud jokes. I want to make people think but with humor.

King Kroger: But it’s a comic’s job to make people laugh, is it not?

Mr. Bartlett: It is, and you’re not the first person to point that out. The managers at all the comedy clubs I go to have the same thought. That’s what makes me so groundbreaking. I’m not like the others.

CUT TO: Maitland is walking through the store. She spots Masked Bagger, who’s stuck in the pillory on the front end.

Maitland Collins: Masked Bagger? You’re here!

Masked Bagger: Yes I am. Can you get me out of here?

Maitland Collins: I can’t. King Kroger mentioned something about public spankings for disobedient women. I don’t know if he actually will or not, but I don’t want to test him. Hashtag keeping my ass safe.

Masked Bagger: Hashtag?

Maitland Collins: It’s just a thing I say.

Masked Bagger: And it’s delightful but I really want out of here, so…

Maitland Collins: I’ll see what I can do without actually doing it myself. Hashtag playing it smart.

Masked Bagger: Before I came in today, I had ordered a pizza and it’s being delivered here. I’m starving. So, when the pizza arrives can you at least feed me?

Maitland Collins: Question. How is the pizza delivery guy gonna get in the building?

Masked Bagger: (thinks for a moment) Hashtag son of a bitch!

CUT TO: Jarlen Mather, a 28 year-old pizza delivery guy, drives up to the parking lot of Kroger. He gets out with the pizzas Adam had ordered, but sees the “Out of Business” sign. He sighs.

Jarlen Mather: What’s this?

He knocks on the door, but there’s no response. He turns around and heads back to his car when he hears a faint scream. It sounds like it’s coming from inside the “abandoned” building. This peaks his curiosity and he returns to the door.

Jarlen Mather: (yells) Is anybody in there?

There is no response. His gut is telling him to investigate, and there’s one thing Jarlen is known for and that’s following his gut.

Jarlen Mather: I’ve got to get in there.

CUT TO: Back at the government building with Agent Jensen and Bernie.

Agent Jensen: We’ve tested out the serum on a couple of volunteers and they died.

Bernie Boswell: That’s horrible.

Agent Jensen: Why is it that it works for you and no one else?

Bernie Boswell: I have no clue.

Just then, Agent Jensen takes out a gun and shoots Bernie in the chest. He falls to the floor.

Bernie Boswell: (in pain) You didn’t like my answer?

Agent Jensen: Just more tests. I’m going to leave you there and see if you bleed out. I’ll be back in an hour.

Jensen walks away. Bernie is in a lot of pain but he’s not even bleeding. The bullet didn’t pierce his skin.

CUT TO: King Kroger enters the manager’s office, which is his main room. He’s not alone, however.

King Kroger: There’s the queen. My beautiful bride.

Mindy Dalton is chained to the office by her ankle. She has range to roam through the entire office, but can go no further. Because he’s not a complete monster, the king has installed a toilet in the middle of the office for Mindy to use, and he gives her three meals a day. She is, after all, his “queen.”

Miss Dalton: I am NOT your bride.

King Kroger: Agree to disagree. We’re both on the same page of your beauty though, right?

Miss Dalton: Don’t talk to me.

King Kroger: (jokingly) Oh boy. I’m going to be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Miss Dalton: And I’ll sleep on the floor… again.

King Kroger: I have some good news and some bad news. Masked Bagger has come back to the store.

Miss Dalton: And the bad news?

King Kroger: That *was* the bad news. The good news is I’ve captured him. He’s in the pillory in the front end right now. I’ll let him hang tight for a few hours and then kill him.

Miss Dalton: Why? What good is killing him? Anyone can do that!

King Kroger: Anyone can do that you say? Could Pineapple-Man kill him? Could The Powder? Could Salt-Man, Meat-Man, Mr. Hyatt, Cutter Magee, Cartastrophe, Time-Clock, Big K, Phil the Pharmacist, Mad Sacker, Trash Beast, Nutkroger, Masked Beggar, Moldy Pizza, Scraper Magee, Glup, Banker Betty, Mister Cleanshine, Freeze-Cepticon or Becca the Bakery Witch? Could any of them kill him?

Miss Dalton: Well they *could*. They just didn’t.

King Kroger: You’re talking crazy. But you’re a woman and that’s your prerogative. Speaking of you being a woman, pretty soon it will be time to consummate our relationship. I’ve given you a week to lust over me without getting any. It’s been torture on you, I know. But tonight, that ends. We shall make mad, passionate love.

Miss Dalton: I’d *have* to be mad to make passionate love to you.

King Kroger: It’s a mad world we live in, sweetheart.

Mindy has no intention of doing anything with him but has to think of a way out of this situation. She’s hopeful that Masked Bagger will be freed and rescue her. Oh, what she’d give for her old Retail-Red laser-beam gun right about now.

CUT TO: Ben Davis and Hailie Morgan are alone in the break room, eating lunch.

Hailie Morgan: We gonna die here.

Ben Davis: We’ll get out of this somehow. I promise.

Hailie Morgan: How you promise that? One of your magical ponies gonna break in and fly us out?

Ben Davis: Please don’t mock “My Little Pony.” You know that aggravates me.

Hailie Morgan: Then how we get out of here?

Ben Davis: I don’t know.

Hailie Morgan: I ain’t looking to get back together with you or nothing, but since we got nothing else to do… you wanna press it?

Ben thinks for a moment.

Ben Davis: Yes I do.

They go at it, which is our cue to say "CUT TO:"

CUT TO: Maitland returns to Masked Bagger.

Maitland Collins: How are you holding up?

Masked Bagger: Like this!

Maitland Collins: You don’t need to get cranky with me. I’m not the bad guy here.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry, but I’m hungry and very uncomfortable.

Maitland Collins: I understand.

Masked Bagger: So, fill me in. How did this guy come to power?

Maitland Collins: He just showed up one day. He has some sort of mind control over the customers and have turned them into his servants. The employees are straight up slaves.

Masked Bagger: But why don’t people on the outside know about this? I mean, aren’t all these people being reported missing?

Maitland Collins: No. It’s been explained to me that he has created clones of all of us.

Masked Bagger: I once had a clone made of me. Let me tell you, it ended tragically.

Maitland Collins: Well these clones have been sent out to replace us. So no one knows we haven’t left this place in a week. And the phone service is down and all of our cell phones have been destroyed. Which really sucks for me because I can’t simply buy a new one. Mine isn’t made for another twenty years.

CUT TO: Jarlen has climbed the building and gets on the roof. There, he knocks on the door and informs the guard he has a pizza. When the guard comes out to get some, Jarlen beats him up, then enters the store.

Jarlen Mather: The things I do to deliver pizza.

CUT TO: Bernie walks into a room with a guillotine in the middle and Agent Jensen standing by.

Bernie Boswell: Um, what’s that?

Agent Jensen: That is a guillotine.

Bernie Boswell: I’m starting to think you WANT me dead.

Agent Jensen: Nonsense.

Bernie Boswell: Well, you’re not gonna chop my head off!

Agent Jensen: I’m not? We have to continue these tests. You claim you can’t be killed. Put it to the test.

Bernie Boswell: Um, no.

Just then, four agents come in and forcibly place Bernie in the position to have his head chopped off.

Agent Jensen: I’ve got to say, I hope you make it.

Bernie Boswell: (sarcastically) You like me. You *really* like me!

Jensen lets go and the guillotine blade makes fast contact with Bernie’s neck. It doesn’t make a scratch. Boswell is fine.

Agent Jensen: I don’t believe it! It didn’t chop your head off. I’m beginning to think you really can’t be killed.

Bernie Boswell: Told ya! I mean, except for old age.

Agent Jensen: I’d say the testing is over. It appears your skin is indestructible and your vital organs are all in excellent condition and will remain that way for a long, long time. I believe you’re telling me the truth. I can’t explain why it didn’t work for anyone else, but maybe that’s for the best. We don’t need a bunch of people living for a few hundred years. The regular lifespan is good enough for humans.

Bernie Boswell: Good enough for “humans?”

Agent Jensen: Yes. Now we have to figure out what the hell YOU are.

CUT TO: King Kroger walks back to the 717 Guardian. A crowd forms. A smile comes to his face.

King Kroger: Time to unmask the Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: If you unmask me, I won’t really be the *Masked* Bagger, now will I? Think man, think!

King Kroger: I don’t have to think. I am the king. I have royal subjects to do the thinking for me. Removing your mask is one thing I want to do myself, however.

The crazed king reaches his arm towards the 717 Guardian, with his fingers inches away from the mask. Suddenly, a hot pizza inside a box is hurled at him, hitting Kroger in the face.

Jarlen Mather: What the HELL is going on here!?!

King Kroger: I was about to unmask this young man. Now I am putting all my efforts into killing you.

Jarlen Mather: Yeah, well, even all of your efforts won’t be enough to kill me. I learned self defense at a very young age… bullies.

King Kroger: Gun.

King Kroger takes out a gun and aims it at Jarlen. Maitland runs up behind the king with some rope in her hands.

Maitland Collins: Mutiny!!!!

She begins choking him. Jarlen comes over and takes the gun from his hand. As he’s gasping for air, King Kroger motions for his peasants to attack.

CUT TO: Chris Ward and Kroger model Jacey Johnson, who was visiting the store at the time this whole mess started, are in the photo lab.

Chris Ward: This has been just the best week of my life.

Jacey Johnson: We’re prisoners of some crazed king.

Chris Ward: But I get to spend this time with *the* Jacey Johnson.

Jacey Johnson: Why do I come to this store? I always end up in peril.

Chris Ward: I’ll protect you. Don’t worry.

Jacey Johnson: You’re a seventeen year-old kid. What can *you* do?

Chris Ward: I’m no ordinary seventeen year-old. Trust me. You’re safe with me by your side.

Suddenly, Chris hears fighting going on and has to join the action.

Chris Ward: Wait here for a second.

Jacey Johnson: What?

Chris points behind Jacey.

Chris Ward: What’s that?

When she looks the other way, he presses his belt buckle, because Masked Beggar had recently made a morpher for the teenage hero, and morphs into Cart-Boy. He runs off. She turns around and realizes she’s alone.

Jacey Johnson: Perfect.

CUT TO: Jarlen and Maitland are fighting off the mind controlled customers. The action is taking place close to Masked Bagger, who’s feeling quite uncomfortable, still in the pillory.

Masked Bagger: The first day back from vacation is always the toughest.

He checks out the stack of pizza pies that Jarlen has left on the floor. The fight continues as Cart-Boy enters the scene. He battles a couple of baddies and then notices the 717 Guardian.

Cart-Boy: Masked Bagger - you’re back!

Masked Bagger: Cart-Boy! It’s great to see you. Get me out of here.

Cart-Boy: The key would be in the king’s office.

Masked Bagger: And you’re standing here instead of running to the office… why?

Cart-Boy: Kind of in the middle of a fight.

He gets back to the action. Jarlen sees King Kroger sneaking off. He runs up behind him and tackles him to the floor.

Jarlen Mather: You’re the leader I take it.

King Kroger: I am the King!

Jarlen Mather: King of what?

King Kroger: This store, you maroon.

Jarlen Mather: Stores don’t have kings.

King Kroger: And that’s what’s wrong with the world.

His majesty takes a taser and uses it on the pizza delivery guy, who jumps off Kroger and lands beside him, shaking.

King Kroger: Instead of playing hero, just stick to delivering the damned pizzas. But don’t expect a tip.

He gets up off the floor and heads back to his office.

CUT TO: King Kroger enters his office where Mindy is still chained up.

King Kroger: Times are getting tough.

Miss Dalton: What’s going on out there?

King Kroger: The employees are finally fighting back. So instead of having them be slaves, I shall use my mind control to make them servants. I’m going to close my office door and concentrate. Don’t bother me. If you do… I will kill you.

Miss Dalton: You’ll have to catch me first.

King Kroger: You can’t go very far. I think I can handle it.

He closes his door. Jarlen barges into the office. He notices Mindy. The king is unaware as he is putting himself in a trance.

Jarlen Mather: Who are you?

Miss Dalton: I’m Mindy Dalton, the store manager. Who are you?

Jarlen Mather: I’m Jarlen Mather. I’m here to help. You probably don’t want to stay chained up, do you?

Miss Dalton: (smiles) You are quite the smart one.

Jarlen Mather: Reading people is a gift of mine. Is there a key for that thing?

Miss Dalton: Yes, but it’s in the king’s office and my chain doesn’t reach that far. But I should warn you, he’s in there now.

Jarlen Mather: I’ll take care of this. Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And right now, this man’s gotta dethrone a king.

CUT TO: Masked Beggar is in the basement lab. Since all of the bag-guns had been smashed earlier in the week, he has designed his own, which is indestructible. He can’t go upstairs to use it, because of the thing around his ankle that will shock him if he leaves the basement. So, he must wait for someone to come downstairs.

CUT TO: Jarlen opens the office door and stands there as King Kroger is in a trance, trying to control the minds of the employees. The pizza delivery guy clears his throat, causing the king to look up.

Jarlen Mather: This isn’t over.

King Kroger: Would you like to be tased again?

Jarlen Mather: Of course not. That would be crazy. Oops, “crazy,” now there’s a word I bet you hear a lot.

King Kroger: You may be right. I may be crazy.

Try as he might to let it slide, Jarlen just HAS to say…

Jarlen Mather: But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for.

They begin to fight.

CUT TO: Cart-Boy enters the basement lab.

Masked Beggar: Finally! Someone came down here!

Cart-Boy: Yeah, I needed a breather. It’s crazy upstairs. There’s a huge battle.

Masked Beggar: Use this on the king. It’s a new and improved bag-gun. This one can’t be destroyed. At least not as easily as the previous ones.

Cart-Boy: Great. Just as soon as I rest for a bit. I’m exhausted.

Masked Beggar: NOW!!!

CUT TO: Cart-Boy enters the office and spots the fight.

Cart-Boy: Pizza guy, move out of the way for a second!

Jarlen steps aside. Cart-Boy takes aim and shoots King Kroger, capturing him. Jarlen, Carts and Mindy all begin laughing as they are relieved.

CUT TO: On the front end, once King Kroger had been defeated, the light shines in the store as the boards on the windows disappear. The reign of King Kroger is over. Jarlen and the others make their way back up front. He uses the key and frees Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Thank you so much. You’re a real hero in my book. What’s your name?

Jarlen Mather: Just call me Jarlen Mather, P.D.

Masked Bagger: P.D.?

Jarlen Mather: Pizza Delivery.

CUT TO: Adam Hauck walks outside to the fuel center. Katie Collins is in there. She was trapped for a week and lived on water bottles and candy bars.

Katie Collins: Adam! I’m free! You have no idea what I’ve been through this past week. This place was boarded up with me inside.

Adam Hauck: It reeks in here!

Katie Collins: Yeah. Imma need you to empty the trash can. Don’t ask what’s in it or look inside. Just empty it.

Adam Hauck: Just so you know, if you were my girlfriend, I would have had Mindy let us take our vacation on the same week, so you would have been with me instead of here. So, you kind of brought this on yourself by not loving me. Just saying.

Katie Collins: (angry) Imma need you to leave now.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger, Cart-Boy, Miss Dalton, Mr. Bartlett, Maitland Collins and Masked Beggar are in the basement lab.

Maitland Collins: So, what’s going to happen to all the clones now?

Masked Beggar Well now that King Kroger is behind bars and his reign is over, the clones he created should vanish soon.

CUT TO: All the clones are vanishing. First we see a girl and her new boyfriend, who happens to be the clone of a Kroger employee.

Girlfriend: The last three boyfriends I said this to, took it as their cue to leave. They couldn’t handle commitment, I guess. But you’re different. So I’ll say it… I love you.

Just then he vanishes. She is upset.

Girlfriend: Men! You’re all alike!

CUT TO: Ben’s clone is driving his car, when all of a sudden he vanishes, causing the now vacant car to swerve off the road and crash into a telephone pole.

CUT TO: Mindy’s clone loves showing off her body. She’s standing in the middle of an art class, where she’s about to pose nude so the class can paint her portrait. She turns around and begins to remove her robe. As it drops to the floor, she vanishes. The guys watch in astonishment.

Guy #1: Wow. She not only took off her clothes, but her skin, blood and skeleton as well! Now THAT is sexy!

Guy #2: I don’t know. I mean leave a little something to the imagination. You know what I’m saying?

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE #36. Baggers of the Caribbean

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett (Captain Bartlett [pictured below])
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan (Hailie Mermaid [pictured below])
Maitland Collins

Guest Starring:
Captain A-Crab [pictured below]
Mister Hero [pictured below]

ISSUE #36. Baggers of the Caribbean

Originally released on November 13th, 2016

And Now The Tale Gets Told…

It’s a beautiful November day. Inside Kroger 717, Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy walk over to seafood where Miss Dalton and Mr. Bartlett are standing.

Masked Bagger: Okay Mindy, what’s up?

Miss Dalton: Rebecca has been complaining about the lobster tank. Ever since we added crabs to the mix, weird things have been happening.

Mr. Bartlett: Crabs are never a good thing to have. Trust me.

Miss Dalton: Different kind of crabs, and TMI. Anyways, they’ve been selling quite well. In fact, there’s only one left and he’s a meanie.

Masked Bagger: So, I’m supposed to fight a crab? Come on! I fight super villains for a living. This is insulting!

Cart-Boy: (smiles) My money’s on the crab.

Masked Bagger: Shut up… sidekick!

Cart-Boy: (sarcastically) Well, you put me in *my* place. So, Miss Dalton, what do you really want us to do?

Miss Dalton: There have been reports of some sort of whirlpool that appears from time to time around the lobster tank. I just want you guys to investigate.

Masked Bagger: Will do. Why don’t we just take the whole tank downstairs to have the Beggar do some research?

Miss Dalton: Because it’s heavy.

Masked Bagger: Oh, come on. I’m sure Cart-Boy and I can carry this baby downstairs. Come on, Carts.

The heroes both begin an attempt to pick up the tank but obviously can’t even lift it. Suddenly, a whirlpool appears and sucks the Grocery Store Guardians inside.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy find themselves on a ship. Not quite a pirate ship, but it certainly looks like one. A man who looks like Mr. Bartlett walks over to the duo.

Captain Bartlett: What is the meaning of this?

Masked Bagger: I’m not sure. Where are we?

Captain Bartlett: On the sea, of course. I had to give up a fine girl named Brandy, but the sea is my true love. So here I am. This is the S.S. Kroger. We ship groceries to Krogers all around the world. Now I’ve answered your question. Answer mine. Who are you?

Masked Bagger: I’m Masked Bagger.

Cart-Boy: And I’m Cart-Boy.

Masked Bagger: We were at our Kroger store in the seafood department, when all of a sudden a whirlpool brought us here.

Captain Bartlett: Oh, well I hate to say this but you need the orb to get you back home.

Cart-Boy: Why do you hate to say that?

Captain Bartlett: Because this has happened before, only the people never made it back home because they were unable to obtain the orb.

Masked Bagger: And why’s that?

Captain Bartlett: It’s on a pirate ship and belongs to one of the evilest creatures of the sea… Captain A-Crab.

Masked Bagger: Well, we have to try and get it. No offense, of course, but I don’t want to stay here.

Captain Bartlett: Nor am I inviting you to stay here. I’ll drop the two of you off on the dock when we get to the next Kroger… in three days.

Cart-Boy: Three days?

Masked Bagger: Look, where is this pirate ship? We need to get onboard and get the orb.

Captain Bartlett: It could be anywhere. I’m always having to fight off those scoundrels. I haven’t seen them in a few days, so they are due for another visit soon. Hopefully for you two, they come by before we hit land.

CUT TO: Back at 717, Hailie walks over to Ben, who’s doing a price check.

Hailie Morgan: Benny, I got something to tell you.

Ben Davis: What is it?

Hailie Morgan: I’m preggers.

Ben Davis: What? Who’s the father?

Hailie Morgan: You is.

Ben Davis: But we haven’t done anything in months.

Hailie Morgan: Uh, are you forgettin’ a couple weeks ago when we was trapped in here for a week by King Kroger? We totally pressed it.

Ben Davis: Oh yeah. I *did* forget.

Hailie Morgan: You did!?! I be *that* forgettable?

Ben Davis: No, no, I’m just shocked. That’s all. I’m not thinking straight. Well listen, don’t worry. I will support this child and everything will be fine.

Hailie Morgan: You awfully calm about this.

Ben Davis: Hey, I’m not the one with a human being growing inside me. And when I become a famous screenwriter, I’ll have plenty of cash to give the both of you a good life.

Hailie Morgan: You gonna become a famous “screen rider”? You gonna ride screens? Is that some crazy fetish of yours or something?

Ben Davis: (looks the other way) I’m sorry world that she’s breeding because of me.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy are sitting down, relaxing on board the S.S. Kroger.

Masked Bagger: So, how are things going with you and Rachel?

Cart-Boy: Pretty good.

Masked Bagger: Cool.

Cart-Boy: How are things going with you and that girl you’re talking to online?

Masked Bagger: Fine. Except I’m pretty sure it’s a guy scamming me. We chatted for only the second time last night and she’s already telling me how much she loves me and wants us to get married just as soon as she returns from Nigeria. She’s there visiting an uncle.

Cart-Boy: Yeah, it’s a scam.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, I thought so.

Cart-Boy: You gonna dump them?

Masked Bagger: Not right away. I enjoy seeing someone say they love me, even if I know it’s a fake person. So, I’ll play along until they start to demand the money.

Cart-Boy: You’re sad.

Captain Bartlett enters the scene.

Captain Bartlett: You guys are in luck. The pirate ship is headed this way. I wish you both well. Maybe you can both get on the life boat and paddle your way to them before they get here so I don’t have to confront them again.

The duo get in the life boat and begin paddling their way to the pirate ship. Once they get close enough to it, the 717 Guardian waves at the pirates. A couple spot them and bring them on board. The pirates are weird lobster men.

Cart-Boy: The hell are you guys?

Masked Bagger: Carts, what’s say you *don’t* insult the giant lobster pirates, okay?

Lobster Pirate #1: Argh, you two will make a great feast. Once the captain okays it, I’ll put you both in the cage, then prepare you for dinner.

Masked Bagger: Just so I’m up to speed, we’re going to *be* the dinner, right?

Lobster Pirate #1: Argh, yes.

Lobster Pirate #2: Where you two come from, argh?

Cart-Boy: The S.S. Kroger.

Lobster Pirate #1: Argh, we hate that ship.

The crab captain, known as Captain A-Crab (pronounced like Captain Ahab, but with “crab” instead of “hab”), walks onto the deck where a few of the lobster pirates are standing by, guarding the grocery store duo with swords.

Captain A-Crab: Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Lobster Pirate #1: Argh, they’re from the S.S. Kroger.

Masked Bagger: I’m Masked Bagger and this is my sidekick Cart-Boy.

Captain A-Crab: I see. Argh, it’s time to walk the plank.

Cart-Boy: Wait, what? You’re going to kill us just like that? All you’ve learned is our names. You don’t know what we’re doing here.

Captain A-Crab: I care very little of why you’re here. All I know is you’re not one of my lobster pirates and therefore, you do not belong. So, walk the plank ye shall!

Cart-Boy: Okay, Yoda.

Captain A-Crab: I don’t get the reference.

Masked Bagger: I get it, but I don’t care for it. While I think the original trilogy is okay, I’ve never been a big “Star Wars” fan.

Cart-Boy: And you are so in the minority. Those movies are awesome.

Masked Bagger: Next you’re going to tell me that “The Dark Knight” is the greatest comic book movie ever made.

Cart-Boy: Yeah, I *am* going to tell you that. Heath Ledger is the definitive Joker.

Masked Bagger: You’re crazy!

Cart-Boy: For having a different opinion than you?

Masked Bagger: No, for being a Ledger fan boy. He did a great job as a villain, but I’m sorry, I don’t buy him as The Joker. And I’ll tell you another thing, if they ever make a movie about me, Christopher Nolan better stay away from that project. Can you imagine how dark and gritty he would make my life story out to be?

Cart-Boy: Yes, and maybe then some people might think you’re cool.

Captain A-Crab: Excuse me! Start walking the plank before *I* do!

Masked Bagger: Look, we came here for a reason. Apparently there’s an orb on your ship and it will send the two of us back to our dimension.

Captain A-Crab: I don’t know what “orb” you’re talking about, but if it’s on *my* ship, then it is *my* orb, and you can’t have it! Time to walk the plank.

Lobster Pirate #2: Captain, my captain, we were thinking they could be dinner, argh.

Captain A-Crab: They’ll be dinner… for the sharks. I’ve already got our dinner cooking, but besides that, the fat one here be too ugly to eat. I have *some* standards after all.

Masked Bagger: Words hurt, buddy.

Captain A-Crab: So do shark bites.

The lobster pirates take out their swords and guide the Grocery Store Guardians onto the plank. Sharks are swimming underneath.

Masked Bagger: Look, I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Just then he glances at one of the pirates who only has one leg. The other is wooden. Bagger feels awkward.

Masked Bagger: Oh boy. Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that. We’ll, uh, just return to the S.S. Kroger.

Captain A-Crab: By all means, return to the S.S. Kroger. After you survive the sharks, you can swim there.

Two lobster pirates get on the plank with their swords and poke and prod at Bagger and Carts. As they’re falling, Bagger grabs one of the pirates, who then grabs the other. All four of them fall into the water. The sharks immediately eat the lobster pirates, while the heroes swim off. S.S. Kroger spots them and heads their way. Captain Bartlett throws a rope over and they hold on. Bartlett then pulls the duo back inside.

Captain Bartlett: Where’s the orb?

Masked Bagger: There’s something you should know about us. We fail a lot. At least in the beginning. But we’ll get it… somehow.

CUT TO: Back at 717, Maitland enters the manager’s office where Mindy is.

Miss Dalton: Hello, Maitland. How are you today?

Maitland Collins: I’m fine, but I’m still no closer to returning to 2036. Hashtag losing hope.

Miss Dalton: Don’t lose hope. You’ll return home one day.

Maitland Collins: Maybe. So, why’d you call me in here?

Miss Dalton: I just wanted to let you know that both Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy have vanished in a whirlpool by seafood. I’m pretty confident they’ll be back soon, but if any of the giant bird-men fly in, maybe you could take care of it, seeing as you’re army trained.

Maitland Collins: Of course. I mean, the army didn’t train us to battle big birds, but I’m sure I can handle it.

CUT TO: A group of twenty men walk into Kroger. They all have guns and are scouring the store. After locking the doors, one of the criminals pulls his gun out and shoots it at the ceiling. Everyone gasps.

Robber #1: This is a good, old-fashioned robbery! Keep calm and no one will get hurt. Make a move and you get killed. I want all of your valuables. Be that money, jewels or what have you.

The people do as they’re told.

Customer: You won’t get away with this. Masked Bagger will get you!

Robber #3: Show yourself, Masked Bagger!

Nothing happens.

Robber #3: That’s what I thought. You see, it’s one thing to fight supernatural villains, but we’re a crew with guns. It’s quite different. He’s probably somewhere right now peeing his pants out of fear.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is preparing to pee off the edge of the S.S. Kroger. When he looks down, he notices a woman, who looks just like Hailie, coming out of the water. He quickly makes himself decent.

Masked Bagger: Hello. It’s kind of dangerous to be swimming out there with all the sharks around.

Hailie Mermaid: It be fine for me. I be a mermaid.

Masked Bagger: And that means sharks won’t eat you?

Hailie Mermaid: Exactly.

Just then, she climbs up the side and sits down inside the ship. After all, she’s a mermaid. All she really *can* do is sit down or swim.

Hailie Mermaid: I never done seen you here before.

Masked Bagger: I’m just visiting. You know, you remind me of someone I work with. Her name is Hailie Morgan.

Hailie Mermaid: That be funny. My name be Hailie Mermaid.

Masked Bagger: She talks just like you do, too.

Hailie Mermaid: How that?

Masked Bagger: You know, kind of ghetto talking.

Hailie Mermaid: I be talking normal. You done insulted me.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. It’s just I don’t know many people who talk like you do.

Hailie Mermaid: Then you need to get out more.

Masked Bagger: (jokingly) If that means I’ll run into more people who talk like you, no thanks.

Hailie begins to cry… loudly. Captain Bartlett runs over.

Captain Bartlett: What’s going on?

Hailie Mermaid: This masked man done insulted me!

Captain Bartlett: Why would you do such a thing?

Masked Bagger: I was just kidding around. I didn’t realize mermaids were so sensitive… or that they even existed.

Captain Bartlett: Hailie here, is my sometimes female companion.

Masked Bagger: Really?

Captain Bartlett: It gets lonely out here on the sea.

CUT TO: Kroger 717. Mr. Bartlett, Miss Dalton and Maitland Collins are all together in the front end trying to stay calm in the face of danger.

Mr. Bartlett: With both of the baggers gone right now, we are totally defenseless.

Miss Dalton: Let’s just play it cool. These are normal people and not super villains.

Mr. Bartlett: Normal people… with guns. They can kill us all and this will go down as one of those massacres on the news. I don’t want to die. I haven’t yet completed my life’s goal, which is to bang two fifty year-old women on my one-hundredth birthday.

Maitland Collins: (to Bartlett) You’re a goon. (to Mindy) I can do my best to fight these guys off, but I doubt I can do it alone. Hashtag feeling overwhelmed.

Miss Dalton: You won’t have to do it alone. I’ll join you.

Maitland Collins: Thanks, but what can *you* do?

Miss Dalton: A while back, I was a superhero known as Retail-Red. I still have the costume in my office.

Maitland Collins: Great. Girl power!

Just then, three men with guns show up and aim their weapons at the Kroger employees.

Robber #3: You can’t do nothing once we tie you up.

Maitland Collins: So then, don’t tie us up.

Robber #3: It’s gotta be, sweet thing. It’s gotta be.

CUT TO: Back on the S.S. Kroger, the three guys are having a chat, while Hailie is sitting by.

Masked Bagger: We need to attack the ship.

Captain Bartlett: Yes, and I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Why couldn’t you guys grab the orb when you were on the ship before?

Cart-Boy: Things got freaky. First they wanted to eat us and then they wanted to feed us to the sharks. I like it when girls think of me as a piece of meat, but I don’t like it when hungry animals do.

Captain Bartlett: We’ll have to change course and follow the pirates.

Masked Bagger: Are you willing to do that for us?

Captain Bartlett: Not for free, I ain’t. I need something.

Masked Bagger: Hailie, will you give the captain here, a blow… fish? I think he could eat.

Hailie Mermaid: I ain’t getting’ one of my pets for Bartsy to eat!

Captain Bartlett: I meant money.

Masked Bagger: I don’t have any cash on me. I use a debit card. I doubt you guys use debit cards here in the pirate days.

Captain Bartlett: That’s true. We don’t. But are you saying you’re from a different time?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know what I’m saying. I’m a dimension traveler. I know that. I don’t know if we’ve gone back in time as well to when pirates were in their golden years or what.

Cart-Boy: Well, if Kroger is around, we can’t be *that* far back in time. When did it first open for business, 1883?

Masked Bagger: That’s right.

Captain Bartlett: Just to clear things up, this is the year 2016. But I don’t know nothing about debit cards.

Masked Bagger: Could it be that their 2016 is our, say, 1716 and somehow Kroger exists anyways?

Cart-Boy: Could be. Or it could be we’re standing here trying to figure out what year it is when we should be tracking down Captain A-Crab and the lobster pirates to get the orb to go home.

Masked Bagger: (to Bartlett and Hailie) Always straight to the point, this one.

CUT TO: The robber has Bartlett, Mindy and Maitland all tied up. He’s pointing a gun at them.

Robber #3: Which one shall I kill first? This is always a tough call for me.

He looks at Maitland and gets a devilish grin on his face.

Robber #3: I choose you.

She gets nervous and begins to tremble. She closes her eyes and begins to quietly sing “I’ll Be There” by The Jackson Five.

(I'll Be There by The Jackson Five https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg2vMrDzoXM&fbclid=IwAR2U3nErEx0pOalPKCcItTei9up9de-87pKrkuG4sC4nnfCYfabxIgZFGF0)

Maitland Collins: ♪ I’ll reach out my hand for you… I’ll have faith in all you do… Just call my name and I’ll be there… ♪

Robber #3: Cute voice. Shame you gotta die.

Suddenly from seemingly nowhere, a turquoise and purple blur flies by and rams into the robber, causing him to soar in the air and land all the way in produce. The blur turned out to be a man. He flies to the robber and stands over him.

Mister Hero: You listen to me. You will leave these people alone. Don’t hurt anybody. It’s not nice!

Robber #3: Who the hell are you?

Mister Hero: I’m Mister Hero! And don’t cuss.

The new superhero then punches the robber in the face, knocking him out. Mister Hero flies around the store looking for the other armed robbers. He finds two in the bakery. They spot him and start shooting at him. The bullets bounce right off of his super chest. He laughs.

Mister Hero: That tickles!

He stands on his feet and lifts the two bad guys up. He then wants the attention of the crowd.

Mister Hero: Hey everyone, look at me!

Simultaneously, he throws the one in his left hand all the way to the dairy, while throwing the one in his right hand up, causing him to crash into, and get stuck in, the ceiling. Mister Hero laughs and then flies off.

CUT TO: The ship is on course to capture the pirates and end their reign of terror as well as get the orb. All three men each have a sword. Hailie doesn’t need one. She’s got moves that she feels are better than using a sword.

Captain Bartlett: We’re almost upon them. For your knowledge, this isn’t about the orb. Those ruffians have been after me for a long time. True, you are the one that got me to do this, but it’s something I have to do anyways. So we fight, to the death, possibly. Let’s rid this Earth of those freaky lobster pirates!

The S.S. Kroger comes up right next to the pirate ship and stops. The four person crew get on board and make their presence known. All of the lobsters look at them. Things suddenly become so surreal to Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Man, when I first got invited to come to 717, who knew that one day I’d be on a pirate ship with a teenage boy dressed as a cart, a ghetto talking mermaid and a bunch of lobster pirates… or that we’d be almost four years in, and I’d still be single? Not me. That’s who!

Captain A-Crab makes his way out. He removes the sword from its sheath.

Captain A-Crab: I’ll make this brief and to the point. Kill them!!!

A battle begins.

CUT TO: Ben and Hailie are outside taking a break together. They have been out there since just before the robbery.

Ben Davis: So, what are we going to do?

Hailie Morgan: What you mean?

Ben Davis: I mean should we get back together?

Hailie Morgan: Why?

Ben Davis: Um, you’re having my baby.

Hailie Morgan: I’m having *my* baby! I just needed you for some of the ingredients. Oh, and I be needing child support.

Ben Davis: Of course. I already told you I’d support him.

Hailie Morgan: Him? But not if it’s a her?

Ben Davis: I’ll support either gender. I just want to know what you want in regards to a relationship. Because I’ve been chatting with someone I met on a dating website, and we were finally going to have our first date tomorrow night.

Hailie Morgan: Go on the date. Me and you are just friends.

Ben Davis: Fair enough. But know this… I am a good looking guy with a great sense of humor. I am a catch. I don’t want to be at my wedding and you come along and crash it with intentions of breaking it up, just so you and I can get back together.

Hailie Morgan: (insulted) Why I gotta crash it? I ain’t gettin’ invited to yo wedding?

CUT TO: Mister Hero battles three more armed robbers and wins. Pretty soon a group of them come up and surround him. They all open fire. It has no affect. He’s a powerful hero. Once they’ve run out of bullets and have all thrown each of their guns at him in hopes that THAT might harm him, he extends both arms and then spins around, knocking them all out.

Mister Hero: (overly excited) Again! Again!

He then realizes that all of the armed robbers are unconscious and so he flies back up front and begins untying the hostages.

Mister Hero: You’re all safe now!

Miss Dalton: Thank you so much. But what is your name?

Mister Hero: I already said it. I’m Mister Hero!

Miss Dalton: Calm down. I didn’t hear you before. Well anyways, thank you again.

Mister Hero: You’re welcome.

Maitland Collins: Yes, and a big thank you from me, seeing as I was seconds away from death when you rescued me.

Mister Hero: It was fun.

CUT TO: The battle on board the pirate ship. A sword fight has begun. Despite having had zero training on how to use a sword, the Grocery Store Guardians are doing okay. Hailie stands on her hands, while repeatedly slapping one of the lobster pirates in the face with her tail, eventually causing him to fall overboard and get eaten by a shark. Captain Bartlett is killing off many of the lobsters while Masked Bagger goes head to head with Captain A-Crab.

Masked Bagger: Okay, give me the orb.

Captain A-Crab: No. Give me your life.

Masked Bagger: Trust me, you don’t want it.

Captain A-Crab: I’m sure it just seems worse than it is.

Just then, the bad captain whacks the sword out of Masked Bagger’s hand. He places the tip of his own sword on the guardian’s chest.

Captain A-Crab: Although right now it seems fairly bad.

Cart-Boy sees this and uses his sword to whack the weapon out of A-Crab’s claw.

Masked Bagger: Why didn’t you just stab him? (looks at A-Crab) Teenagers.

The captain punches Masked Bagger in the face. He keeps on punching him until the hero falls down. He’s defeated… or so he feels. Bagger looks over and spots a bucket labeled “Spinach.” He crawls over to it and begins eating the nasty green stuff. He gets up, still feeling weak, and confronts A-Crab.

Masked Bagger: I’m back. Give it your best shot!

The crooked captain punches the 717 Guardian in the face. He goes down again. He’s disappointed in his cartoon upbringing.

Masked Bagger: Every “Popeye” cartoon has been a lie!

Captain Bartlett sneaks up behind A-Crab, but the crustacean bends over and picks up his sword, turns around, and stabs Bartlett in the chest. Everyone stops and watches.

Captain Bartlett: No.

Captain A-Crab: Yes.

Masked Bagger grabs his bag-gun, now that the attention was no longer on him. He shoots A-Crab and bags him. He then picks up the bag, and throws it overboard. The sharks instantly begin chowing down on the delicious but evil A-Crab.

Masked Bagger: Mutiny! This is MY ship now!

The remaining lobster pirates jump overboard to their deaths as they are eaten by sharks. Bagger, Cart-Boy and Hailie all go to a dying Bartlett.

Masked Bagger: I’m so sorry, Captain.

Captain Bartlett: I don’t want to die here. Let me die in the place I love the most… the S.S. Kroger.

The 717 Guardian picks up Bartlett and carries him over to the S.S. Kroger. He gently lays him there moments before the captain passes away. Cart-Boy comes over.

Cart-Boy: I’ve got the orb. Let’s go home.

Masked Bagger is happy to be able to return home, but won’t forget Captain Bartlett and the sacrifice he made to help them get there.

CUT TO: Back at 717, a whirlpool appears and Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy are back. They’re up front and notice a crowd.

Masked Bagger: We’re back!

Maitland Collins: That’s great, but you would not believe what happened here.

Masked Bagger: You wouldn’t believe what happened where *we* were, which I feel is the bigger story.

Maitland Collins: No, seriously. There were like twenty armed robbers and this guy named Mister Hero…

She looks for him.

Maitland Collins: Wait. Where’s Mister Hero?

Mr. Bartlett: He’s gone. (to Masked Bagger) You know, this makes two months in a row we’ve had outside help to save us. I think maybe your special-ness has faded.

Miss Dalton: There’s another superhero in the store. We need to know who he is and where he came from.

Mister Hero is gone. He has returned inside the imagination of six-year-old Kevin Branch, an autistic child, who doesn’t speak or communicate with others. He has such a strong imagination, however, that the fear he was feeling from the robbers, created a superhero to fight them off. It was the only time he’s ever been able to interact with other people. Way to go, Kevin! You are special in deed!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE #37. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Sacker

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Maitland Collins

Guest Starring:
Mad Sacker alias Mickey Tork [both pictured below]
Dairy Dude [pictured below]
Cassie Beaumont [pictured below]
Masked Beggar
Austin Slaughter

ISSUE #37. It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Sacker

Originally released on November 29th, 2016

And Now For A Sack Of A Story…

Adam walks into the store. Chris Ward runs up to him.

Chris Ward: Don’t be mad at me.

Adam Hauck: Why would I be mad at you?

Chris Ward: Now that Bernie has used up all his vacation weeks, and has officially quit working here, Miss Dalton hired his replacement.

Adam Hauck: Why would I be mad at *you* though?

Chris Ward: People tend to kill the messenger. And today I’m training the new bagger.

Adam Hauck: And?

Chris Ward: She’s your former lover.

Adam Hauck: Chris, you clearly don’t know me. I’m Adam Hauck. I don’t have any former lovers. I’m a pariah to women. Who could you possibly be talking about?

Chris Ward: Cassie Beaumont.

Adam’s face turns pale… paler than usual.

Adam Hauck: Cassie? The girl I dated once and was about to do the deed with before she blackmailed me for $200 and then sent me on my way... sex-less?

Chris Ward: That would be her.

Adam Hauck: If this is the kind of person Mindy wants to hire at the good ol’ 717, my days here just might be numbered. I *can’t* work with Cassie and I *won’t* work with Cassie, and if this were a sitcom, we’d now cut to me working with Cassie.

They both look around for a “CUT TO.”

Chris Ward: We’re still here. This must not be a sitcom.

Adam Hauck: Not gonna lie, I’m a little disappointed. I’d love to be in a sitcom. It would explain why I hear a studio audience laughing whenever I’m being funny.

Suddenly, Mr. Bartlett runs over to the duo.

Mr. Bartlett: Guys, there’s trouble in the dairy! A new super villain is on the loose!

Adam Hauck: A dairy villain?

Mr. Bartlett: Yes.

Adam Hauck: It’s about time. That was the only department that didn’t have its own villain.

Chris Ward: Unless you count the fuel center.

Adam Hauck: I don’t. Let’s get to work.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Cart-Boy arrive at the dairy department and see something amazing. There’s a force field that’s holding back milk, which comes up to the Bagger’s chest. Soon, The Dairy Dude surfs up to our heroes.

Dairy Dude: What’s what, dudes? Trying to catch a gnarly wave here!

Masked Bagger: What are you doing?

Dairy Dude: (to Cart-Boy) This one’s not the brightest bulb in the box. (to Masked Bagger) I’m surfing, dude!

Masked Bagger: But… on milk?

Dairy Dude: It is what it is.

Cart-Boy: I don’t understand. How are you a villain? Right now you seem pretty awesome.

Dairy Dude: Thanks, bro. I guess they see me as a villain because I have twenty-five people held hostage inside the cooler and a yogurt bomb that’s set to go off any time now.

Cart-Boy: Um, what?

Dairy Dude: Oh, did I forget to mention that it’s poisonous yogurt and if it touches you, it turns you into a yogurt monster? I’ll have an entire yogurt army and destroy you dudes!

Masked Bagger: Looks like you’re the one who’s not the brightest bulb, telling us your plan like that.

Dairy Dude: Oh, bogus, dudes! Why’d I do that for?

Masked Bagger turns to Cart-Boy.

Masked Bagger: You take on the Dairy Dude while I go in and rescue the hostages.

Cart-Boy: No way. I have the tougher job.

Masked Bagger: Mine is more dangerous. The bomb could go off any second now… with me inside. All you have to do is fight off some guy who thinks he’s Bill, Ted and all four Ninja Turtles in one.

Cart-Boy: Well, when you put it *that* way.

Masked Bagger: I’ll give you a head start.

The 717 Guardian shoots out a cart strap from his sleeve, and it wraps itself around the baddies’ ankles. Bagger pulls on it, knocking the Dude off his board and into the sea of milk. Our hero then gets into the milk and walks over to the cooler while Cart-Boy goes after the villain.

Inside the cooler…

Masked Bagger: Everyone is going to be okay. Let me just untie you all… one at a time. Yikes, this could take a while.

Hostage #1: Once you untie me, I’ll help you untie the others.

Masked Bagger: Deal.

Bagger unties the gentleman, who then helps him untie another person, who in turn helps them untie other people. Soon everyone is untied. A computerized voice begins counting down from ten.

Masked Bagger: Everybody out! Head for the back hallway!

Hostage #2: But there’s a sign on the door that says “Employees Only”!

Masked Bagger: In this case, ignore the sign!

They all run out and head for the back hallway. Bagger closes the dairy door just before the bomb goes off, leaving it a poisonous yogurt mess. That magnificent man in a mask then returns to Cart-Boy’s side, but finds the teenage sidekick trying to run in the milk, while Dairy Dude surfs around.

Masked Bagger: You had one job.

Cart-Boy: Shove it where the sun don’t shine.

Masked Bagger: I’d rather not.

Suddenly, the Mad Sacker arrives on the scene. He’s not happy with Dairy Dude’s presence.

Mad Sacker: There will be no overlapping. There will be no team-ups. It’s my turn now!

The Mad Sacker shoots the dairy villain with a large brown paper sack. It covers his entire body and then transports him to the basement lab.

Mad Sacker: You’d better get down to the lab and incarcerate him, Bagger. You’re welcome.

Masked Bagger: Thanks. Wait, are you good now?

Mad Sacker: Me? Good? Why, that would be SACK-religious. You couldn’t see the way it was spelled in my head, but I spelled it S-A-C-K religious, which is pretty clever.

Mad Sacker takes off as the milk starts going down the drain by the cooler door.

Cart-Boy: Who was that?

Masked Bagger: That was Mad Sacker. Once upon a time, he went by the name of Mickey Tork, and was a buddy of mine.

Cart-Boy: Well, it looks like he’s escaped.

Masked Bagger: Yeah. Hey, wait a second. Shouldn’t you already know him? I mean, haven’t you been down the hall o’ villains in the basement lab before?

Cart-Boy: Nah, I tend to stay over in the computer area of the basement. There’s no need for me to mingle with the freaks.

Masked Bagger: Well last time he was out, he really screwed up my life. He reported me to the government and Agent Jensen threatened to throw me in jail if I didn’t leave the Earth level, so I had to marry Hailie to get a visa.

Cart-Boy: I didn’t know she’s your wife. You always whine about being single. What’s up with that?

Masked Bagger: We’re not married anymore, obviously. It only lasted five months and there was zero sex.

Cart-Boy: This is YOU we’re talking about, so you didn’t have to clarify the zero sex part. I already figured.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) I want to feel like there was a time when I was respected here.

CUT TO: Ben walks into Miss Dalton’s office. She happens to be sitting at her desk.

Ben Davis: I’m going to be a dad.

Miss Dalton: That’s great. Wait, that’s great, right?

Ben Davis: Of course, it is. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it was a surprise, but I’m really looking forward to this.

Miss Dalton: Who’s the baby momma?

Ben Davis: Hailie Morgan.

Miss Dalton: So, does this mean you two are back together?

Ben Davis: Oh, no. I loved her when we were together and I mourned our relationship for a while there, but I’m over her and she’s over me.

Miss Dalton: Well, congrats on getting a woman pregnant who’s not your wife or girlfriend.

CUT TO: Adam is up front and spots Cassie Beaumont in her Kroger uniform, ready for work. He also sees Mr. Bartlett and decides to have a chat with him.

Adam Hauck: What is *she* doing here?

Mr. Bartlett: Mindy hired her. She’s Bernie’s replacement.

Adam Hauck: But that’s the girl I dated briefly earlier this year. She’s a bad, bad, bad person!

Mr. Bartlett: Wow, she wouldn’t put out, would she?

Adam Hauck: Well no, but that’s not what makes her bad.

Mr. Bartlett: No, that makes her a bad person and I will fire her immediately!

Adam Hauck: You’d do that for me?

Mr. Bartlett: (laughs) No, but it’s so sweet that you think I would.

Adam Hauck: Well fine. Maybe she’ll turn into a super villain and I can bag her.

Mr. Bartlett: I don’t know. You couldn’t bag her before. If you know what I’m saying.

Adam Hauck: (angry) I know what you’re saying.

Just then, Cassie walks over to the two guys. She instantly recognizes Adam.

Cassie Beaumont: Well, well. If it isn’t Adam something. How’ve you been since our date?

Adam Hauck: I’ve been just fine. How about yourself?

Cassie Beaumont: I’ve been great, hun. When are we going on that second date?

Adam Hauck: I can’t afford to take you out. All you want is my money.

Cassie Beaumont: That wouldn’t be true if you had anything else to offer. Just saying.

Adam Hauck: But it’s not like I’m rolling in dough. I have less than five-hundred dollars in the bank right now.

Cassie Beaumont: So, now you’re telling me that the one thing I thought you were good for, you’re not?

Mr. Bartlett laughs.

Mr. Bartlett: She’s got you there, Adam.

CUT TO: Adam is walking on the back dock.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) This place is getting worse and worse.

Mad Sacker appears.

Mad Sacker: And it’s only going to get worse and worse and worse… and worse.

He then tosses a sacked lunch at Adam, who catches it just as it emits some knock-out gas. Our mask-less hero passes out.

CUT TO: In a secret location, Adam Hauck is tied up to a chair. Mad Sacker walks over to him.

Mad Sacker: There’s no need for you to have your mask on since I already know your secret.

Adam Hauck: Well there is. I look better with a mask on. At least that’s what the ladies tell me. Great, now I’m cracking on myself.

Mad Sacker: Do you remember when I trained you on your first day?

Adam Hauck: Yeah.

Mad Sacker: Well, now I’m gonna deprogram you.

Adam Hauck: I’d rather you didn’t.

Mad Sacker: You don’t get a choice in the matter.

Adam Hauck: Let me take you back to another memory. Do you remember the time you tried to destroy my life by turning me in to the government?

Mad Sacker: Yeah, that was great.

Adam Hauck: I had to marry Hailie just to be able to legally stay on this Earth level!

Mad Sacker: (sarcastically) And you fell in love.

Adam Hauck: Um, no. But we did become friends. But that’s beside the point.

Mad Sacker: This time my goal is to drive you as mad as I am. One way to do that is to kill all the people you love. While you’re tied up here, I’m gonna go off and massacre your friends - film it - and force you to watch it later.

Adam Hauck: You’ve really changed since our old bagging days.

Mad Sacker: Pretty soon, we’ll be the same. I’ve heard rumblings of you having dated a certain Cassie Beaumont. She’ll be the first to go! Sacker out!

Mad Sacker leaves as Adam talks to himself.

Adam Hauck: Okay, so I have some extra time before he kills anyone I *actually* love.

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett and Miss Dalton are in Dalton’s office.

Mr. Bartlett: The funniest thing happened today. I was taking a bath and, picture this, I’m soaking in the tub, totally naked. Are you picturing it?

Miss Dalton: Not intentionally, but the image has entered my brain.

Mr. Bartlett: And *that’s* the funny thing that happened today.

Miss Dalton: (annoyed) Leave. Just leave.

Bartlett exits as Chris enters.

Chris Ward: Miss Dalton, have you seen Cassie anywhere? It’s her turn on carts and no one’s seen her in the last half hour.

Miss Dalton: No. I assumed she was up front bagging.

Chris Ward: For that matter, have you seen Adam? I feel like it’s been a while since he’s been around.

Miss Dalton: You don’t suppose they’re off somewhere… together?

Chris Ward: No. No, I don’t. Adam hates her. She seems to hate him, too. I mean, sure, in a sitcom, that tension would lead to them eventually making out, but as Adam said earlier today, we’re not living in a sitcom. So where are they?

CUT TO: Mad Sacker is in another secret location. Cassie is tied up and angry.

Cassie Beaumont: What are you gonna do with me, freak?

Mad Sacker: I’m going to kill you.

Cassie Beaumont: What?!? Because I called you a freak? You’re so sensitive!

Mad Sacker: No, no. I was planning to kill you all along. But I have a plan and it involves kidnapping a few other employees. But first, I need to gear up for it.

The masked baddie goes to his stereo and cranks up “Hey Mickey” by Toni Basil.

(Hey Mickey by Toni Basil https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dLnvB9w2us)

He begins rocking out to it while Cassie watches in astonishment. Once the song is over, Sacker stops dancing and leaves the room.

CUT TO: Mad Sacker has removed his mask and cape. Now he looks just like his original persona - Mickey Tork. He walks over to Ben Davis with intentions of kidnapping him. Since Ben had replaced Mickey years earlier, he doesn’t recognize him.

Mickey Tork: Excuse me, the boss told me you’d train me. This is my first day as a bagger.

Ben Davis: Oh, okay. Hi, I’m Ben Davis.

Mickey Tork: I’m Mickey.

Ben Davis: Nice to meet you, man. I’m technically the cleaner, but I spend so much time up here and getting carts and stuff that “cleaner” just seems to be an empty title anymore.

Mickey Tork: How long have you worked here?

Ben Davis: A little over two years.

Mickey Tork: Have you ever been Employee of the Month?

Ben Davis: No, and they pretty much did away with that.

Mickey smiles as if they stopped doing it because he was no longer eligible for the honor.

Ben Davis: Well, let’s get started.

Miss Dalton walks past and notices Mickey, but it doesn’t click with her right away that he shouldn’t be here.

Miss Dalton: Hello, Mickey.

Mickey Tork: Hi, Mindy.

Miss Dalton: Wait a second! It’s not 2014!

Ben Davis: Very observant?

Miss Dalton: No, Ben, this is the guy you replaced!

Ben Davis: The guy I replaced was turned into a super villain. He was named Mickey Tork and YIKES!!!! It’s him!

Mickey takes out his sack-gun and shoots them both, trapping them inside a giant brown sack together. Mr. Bartlett and Maitland Collins notice this and run over, which turned out to be a dumb idea as Mickey does the exact same thing to them. Chris Ward and Hailie Morgan then run over and find themselves in the exact same situation. Tork looks at the three brown sacks, each containing two employees, and he smiles.

Mickey Tork: Well, that was easier than I thought.

CUT TO: Adam has just loosened the rope and frees himself. That seemed easy. A little *too* easy. He hits his belt buckle and morphs into The Masked Bagger and heads for the front end.

CUT TO: The front end. The 717 Guardian arrives to see Mickey Tork, once again dressed as the Mad Sacker, standing in front of four giant brown sacks.

Masked Bagger: I escaped, Sacker!

Mad Sacker: Just like I knew you would. All part of my plan.

Masked Bagger: What, seriously? I just thought I was *finally* getting good at this superhero gig.

Mad Sacker: Nonsense. I wanted you down there thinking about how I’m slaughtering your friends and how there was nothing you could do about it. But once you freed yourself, the real fun would begin. Now here’s what’s going on. There are four brown sacks in front of you. One of them contains store manager and our former crush, Mindy Dalton, as well as my piss poor replacement, Ben Davis. Another sack contains the corporate goon, who at some point came for a visit and stayed, Mr. Bartlett, with some girl who wears a black vest. I don’t know her name as she wasn’t here when I was.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) Maitland!

Mad Sacker: Another sack contains that ghetto talking bitch, Hailie Morgan, with some teenage bagger. I think I saw the name “Chris” on his nametag. And our final sack is completely empty. They are all rigged to release poisonous gas, killing the occupants of each sack. But I’ll let you choose one sack, and I’ll let those two people go. Unless you choose the decoy. Then all six of your co-workers get to die! Take your time. I’ve got all day.

CUT TO: Inside Mr. Bartlett and Maitland’s sack.

Mr. Bartlett: Now that it looks like we’re going to die, I should probably admit something.

Maitland Collins: What is it, Mr. Bartlett?

Mr. Bartlett: I’ve always been turned on by the sight of you. You have been the star of many of my self-pleasuring fantasies.

Maitland turns around in disgust.

Maitland Collins: I don’t want to die with this perv. Hashtag get me out of here!

Mr. Bartlett: I’m okay with death. I’m just sorry you have to die, too.

Nervous, Maitland starts to sing to herself.

Maitland Collins: ♪ I’ll reach out my hand for you… I’ll have faith in all you do… Just call my name and I’ll be there… ♪

(I'll Be There by The Jackson Five https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg2vMrDzoXM)

CUT TO: Inside Chris and Hailie’s sack.

Chris Ward: I don’t know if we can get out of this.

Hailie Morgan: If we can’t be gettin’ out, then I need to fess up.

Chris Ward: What is it?

Hailie Morgan: I’m not really pregnant.

Chris Ward: What!?!

Hailie Morgan: I thought I be when I told Bennie the news, but later found out I wasn’t and just never told him the truth. I was enjoying all the attention he be givin’ me.

Chris Ward: How far were you going to take this?

Hailie Morgan: I bought fat suits to wear in order to keep the lie goin’.

Chris Ward: Until?

Hailie Morgan: My cousin be pregnant. I was gonna pretend their baby be our baby.

Chris Ward: I think a weekly, maybe even daily, visit with Doctor Whetstone is a must for you.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger presses on his belt buckle which activates his mask-cam. It records what he’s seeing and a monitor in the basement plays what’s being recorded. This gets the attention of the Masked Beggar, who instantly devises a plan to save everyone.

Masked Bagger: Once I choose, how long before the others are killed?

Mad Sacker: It happens instantaneously. You choose. The sack opens, and as that happens, the other sacks are filled with the poisonous gas.

Masked Bagger: Well, what if I…

Our precious hero takes out his bag-gun and aims it at the Sacker, who takes out his own gun. They stand there with each of their guns aimed at the other one.

Mad Sacker: Go ahead. Make… my… day.

After a few minutes just standing there, and figuring he has nothing to lose, the Bagger pulls the trigger and shoots out his bag, but Sacker counter attacks by shooting his gun. The sack eats the bag.

Mad Sacker: Looks like you’ve got to play my little game.

Masked Bagger feels he’s stalled long enough and hopes that Masked Beggar has helped him out in some way. After all, the Beggar is a genius, and if anyone at the store could devise a plan to save everyone so quickly, he could.

Mad Sacker: Choose a sack.

Masked Bagger: Sack… number… three.

The sack opens up but no one comes out. Mad Sacker begins laughing maniacally.

Mad Sacker: They’re all dead! All of them are dead!

He goes over to open the other sacks, intending to see a bunch of dead bodies but instead everybody is alive, and run out.

Mad Sacker: What? I don’t understand! Why aren’t you dead?

CUT TO: A few minutes earlier. Masked Beggar in the basement took one of his inventions and placed it to the ceiling. It caused each sack to malfunction, thus not releasing the poisonous gas.

CUT TO: Back at the front.

Mad Sacker: Well your friends may have survived, but the love of your life won’t. Look up there!

The sinister Sacker points to the ceiling, where Cassie Beaumont is tied and hanging upside down.

Masked Bagger: Know this, she’s not the love of my life. I can’t stand her. That doesn’t mean I won’t save her, though.

Mad Sacker: I don’t see how you can. You’re not Superman. You can’t fly up and catch her. You’re not Spider-Man. You can’t swing up and get her. You’re not Batman. You can’t… do whatever it is that Batman would do. You’re just the lame Masked Bagger. Not even a real hero at all if you ask me.

Mad Sacker cuts the rope, which was keeping Cassie up, causing her to fall head first. The 717 Guardian takes his bag-gun and at the right moment, shoots her with it. The gun setting was such that once she’s inside, it would drop down as light as a feather, assuring her safety.

Mad Sacker: (angered) Damn it!!!

Masked Bagger: Nobody asked you… about me being a real hero. Oh, and by the way, you look silly covered in that plastic bag.

Mad Sacker: What?

Just then, Cart-Boy, who was standing behind the villain, shoots him with the bag-gun, capturing him.

Masked Bagger: Nice work, Cart-Boy!

Cart-Boy: I’ll take him downstairs.

Masked Bagger goes over and lets Cassie out of her bag.

Cassie Beaumont: Thank you, Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: You’re welcome.

Cassie Beaumont: I am hot for bagger.

Masked Bagger: What?

CUT TO: Chris and Masked Beggar are in the basement lab. Adam joins them.

Adam Hauck: Cassie and I had sex.

Chris Ward: (to himself) Maybe we *are* in a sitcom.

Masked Beggar: I thought you hated Cassie.

Adam Hauck: I do, but she’s extremely hot and wanted my body. Well technically, she wanted Masked Bagger’s body. It was as Masked Bagger that I lost my virginity. We found a nice cozy spot where no one could see, then… you know. And yes, nudity was required.

Masked Beggar: So she knows your identity now?

Adam Hauck: No, no. I left my mask on, but it’s *all* I had on.

Masked Beggar: That must have looked silly.

Chris Ward: So, wait. If you hate Cassie, why’d you have sex with her?

Adam Hauck: Two reasons. One is that I’m turning thirty-five next month and I’m getting closer and closer to finally being called the Forty- Year-Old Virgin. I can’t have that. Also, in the beginning, I was waiting for marriage. Then just someone I love. Lately, I was just waiting for a special time to finally do it. What’s more special than having a hot naked woman on top of me, ripping my clothes off and kissing me passionately?

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett catches up with Maitland over by the bakery.

Mr. Bartlett: Can I ask you a question, Maitland?

Maitland Collins: Sure.

Mr. Bartlett: Earlier this month when that gunman was going to shoot you, before being rescued by Mister Hero, and then today when you were about to die inside that big sack, you sang “I’ll Be There.” Why?

Maitland Collins: That song gives me hope when I’m scared. It just calms my nerves. I don’t really remember the origin of why, though.

CUT TO: The origin of why she sings that song when she’s frightened. March 2018 (a couple years in the future) --- Austin Slaughter is driving a car with an almost four year-old Maitland sitting in the back seat. Suddenly, it crashes. His seat breaks and falls back, causing him to be laying next to his daughter, who’s seated in the backseat on the passenger’s side. Austin’s life flashes before his eyes. The best part of his life was Maitland. He remembers all the times he sang the Jackson Five song “I’ll Be There” with her. In his memories, they’re dancing. She’s dressed up like a princess as he twirls her around, noticing that big smile on her face. He remembers them both jokingly yelling out “Just look over your shoulders, honey!” After these wonderful memories subside, he returns to reality. Maitland is physically okay, but scared. She starts to cry. Austin can’t have that.

Austin Slaughter: Don’t cry, Mait. Everything will be okay.

She’s still crying. He begins to weakly sing her favorite song to her.

Austin Slaughter: ♪ I’ll reach out my hand to you… I’ll have faith in all you do… Just call my name and I’ll be there… ♪

She calms down and listens to her daddy singing the song to the best of his ability.

Austin Slaughter: ♪ I’ll be there… I’ll be there… Just call my name and I’ll be there…. ♪

Maitland Collins: (yelling playfully) ♪ Just look over your shoulders, honey! ♪

Austin hears the ambulance coming.

Austin Slaughter: Baby, the medics are coming. Don’t be afraid. They’re coming to help. They’re gonna call mommy, and she’ll come get you. (he pauses) I love you, Maitland.

The medics open the car door. They check on Maitland, but notice that the driver, Austin, has passed away. He had held on just long enough for the medics to arrive as he didn’t want to leave Maitland alone.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

ISSUE #38. The Level Defenders (Part 1)

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Retail-Red [pictured below] alias Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Maitland Collins

Guest Starring:
Iko Teeko [pictured below]
Banta Bowler [pictured below]
Jarlen Mather
Agent Carney [pictured below]
Agent Jensen
Austin Slaughter

ISSUE #38. The Level Defenders (Part 1)

Originally released on December 28th, 2016

And Now The Issue…

Inside a government building, two agents are going over some devious plans.

Agent Weaver: They’re all at the Kroger Marketplace store. Their chance of survival is only 35%.

Agent Carney: That’s still too high. Make it zero percent.

Agent Weaver: I’ll do what I can, sir.

Agent Carney: Who all do we have captured?

Agent Weaver: Masked Bagger, alias Adam Hauck. Thirty-five years-old. He’s been at store 717 for four years now. He’s managed to defeat every super villain he’s faced. Cart-Boy, alias Christopher Ward. He’s seventeen years-old. He’s been at the store for over a year. Retail-Red, alias Mindy Dalton. Thirty-four years-old. She’s been out of practice for some time now, but we were able to snag her when she made a surprise reappearance, searching for her missing friends. Banta Bowler, alias Michael Forman. Thirty-five years-old. He works at the Banta Bowling Alley. He takes himself pretty seriously for a guy with half a bowling ball on his head. And finally Jarlen Mather. He’s twenty-eight years-old and works as a pizza delivery boy for Kramden’s Pizza.

Agent Carney: What about Mister Hero?

Agent Weaver: There is no trace of a Mister Hero existing. We’re still searching, but it’s very doubtful we’ll be able to find him. It’s as if he simply vanished from the face of the Earth after making his appearance at Kroger last month.

Suddenly, Iko Teeko, lord and master of all Scrominians, enters the room. He is not happy.

Iko Teeko: Is the one known as Maitland Collins in the marketplace?

Agent Weaver: No. She’s not counted as one of the heroes of this Earth level.

Iko Teeko: And why not?

Agent Weaver: I don’t know. She just isn’t.

Iko picks up Weaver by the throat and chokes him to death. He drops the body and then turns to Carney.

Iko Teeko: I want Maitland’s head on a stick.

Agent Carney: That’s disgusting, sir, but I’ll see that it gets done.

Iko Teeko: Those heroes, those… level defenders must not be allowed to ever see the outside of that marketplace. They may put a damper on my plans to destroy the planet.

Agent Carney: I understand, sir.

Iko Teeko: Enough of this “sir” business. I am *Lord* Teeko, and shall be addressed as such, unless you’d like to join your associate on the floor.

Agent Carney: No, Lord Teeko. I would not.

Agent Carney’s skin changes color from Caucasian white to Scrominian blue. For he, too, is a Scrominian.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is inside the marketplace. It’s packed with customers. Our hero has never been inside this store before and doesn’t know his way around. He also just broke free from being locked inside a cooler.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) I have a feeling I’m not in Kansas anymore. Or maybe I *am* in Kansas. I don’t know. I have to find Cart-Boy.

Just then a gunshot is heard. Bagger drops to the floor. He looks over and sees a big guy with a gun coming towards him.

Gunman: Time to meet your maker, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Stan Lee?

Gunman: Yeah, like you could ever be a Marvel superhero. You’re barely a hero in *this* reality!

The Guardian of 717, still on the floor, shoots out both cart straps from his sleeves, which wrap around each of the gunman’s ankles. All of this done in a fashion much like Marvel’s classic web slinger, making our hero feel that he *could* be a Marvel character. Anyways, Bagger pulls the straps towards him and the baddie falls to the floor. Our hero then punches the guy in the face, knocking him out. Bagger takes the thug's gun.

Masked Bagger: I can’t let you keep this.

A man passionate about the second amendment overhears Masked Bagger saying this to the unconscious man.

Angry Man: Are you one of those left-wing nuts who opposes the second amendment? This man has every right to have a gun!

Masked Bagger: He’s trying to shoot me!

Angry Man: It’s his right as an American!

CUT TO: Maitland walks into Agent Jensen’s office.

Agent Jensen: Maitland Collins, my other project. We’re gonna get you home one of these days.

Maitland Collins: I appreciate the help but the only person who was able to build a time machine is dead, and the only beings with the time travel knowledge are on another planet.

Agent Jensen: Well, what brings you this way?

Maitland Collins: This level’s heroes are in trouble. I have a plan to help them out, but first I need *your* help.

Agent Jensen: Of course.

Maitland Collins: Thanks. I first need to locate them and secondly I need to speak with your Scrominian department.

Agent Jensen: “Scrominian department”? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Maitland Collins: Of course, you do. Hashtag stop the cover up!

Agent Jensen: Okay, I guess there’s no need to hide the truth from you. Especially since you came from planet Scrom in the future, so you know all about the place. Which is one of the many things I learned from working with Bernie Boswell on a daily basis.

Maitland Collins: Where is he? I’d like to say hi.

Agent Jensen: Oh, he went on a vacation… for my sanity’s sake. That guy is an idiot savant, minus the savant. Anyways, I’ll take you to the Scrominian department now.

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett’s office. The corporate manager is there along with Ben Davis.

Ben Davis: Why’d you call me in here this morning, Mr. Bartlett?

Mr. Bartlett: We have a problem.

Ben Davis: Where’s Miss Dalton?

Mr. Bartlett: She’s gone.

Ben Davis: Dead?!!

Mr. Bartlett: I don’t know. I doubt it. But that’s not why I called you in here. There’s something we need to discuss.

Ben Davis: What’s more important than Miss Dalton’s whereabouts? I mean, shouldn’t you summon Masked Bagger?

Mr. Bartlett: Summon him? Am I the Commissioner Gordon of Kroger? No. I’m just a guy. A guy with a Facebook page. Not that you care. I sent you a friend request last week, and come to find out this morning that you still didn’t accept it.

Ben Davis: Wait… THAT’S why you called me in here?!

Mr. Bartlett: Yes. We need to talk this out. I don’t understand. We seem to be friends in real life. So, why not on Facebook as well?

Ben Davis: Let’s find Miss Dalton first and then we can think about discussing this whole Facebook thing. If you don’t summon Masked Bagger, I will.

Mr. Bartlett: There’s no point. He’s not here either. Nor is Cart-Boy. They’ve been kidnapped and taken out of the store - out of their element. Oh, and on an unrelated note, Adam Hauck and Chris Ward are both out sick today and thus not here.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is still walking around the marketplace in search of Cart-Boy. Suddenly, he sees Retail-Red being attacked by five guys. Her scan gun is on the floor. Bagger sneaks over and grabs it. He then shoots one of the guys in the chest. They all give their attention to the 717 Guardian.

Masked Bagger: I have ALWAYS wanted to use this baby!

Retail-Red: Can I have that back?

Masked Bagger: Sure.

He tosses it to her. She catches it and spins around, shooting off the laser beams, each making contact with a different goon. They all run away in pain and fear that she’ll shoot them again. Red turns around and faces Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Retail-Red, it’s great to see you again!

Retail-Red: Adam, you just saw me yesterday.

Masked Bagger: Uh, I saw Mindy Dalton yesterday. I haven’t seen Retail-Red in over a year. And oh how I’ve missed that skintight outfit.

Retail-Red: Yes, and how glad I am that *you* don’t wear a skintight outfit.

Masked Bagger: You’re a lot meaner than the last time we chatted. But then again, it seems most things have gotten more cynical since Tincher died. So, what the hell is going on here?

Retail-Red: I don’t know. When you and Cart-Boy were kidnapped, I put on the guise of Retail-Red to rescue you. I fought some goons back at 717, but lost. Then I found myself here. It seems to be a Kroger Marketplace.

Masked Bagger: We need to get Cart-Boy and get out of here. I have a strange feeling about all this.

Retail-Red: I have a feeling certain people will see to it that we don’t make it out of here alive.

CUT TO: Iko Teeko is standing in front of an army of Scrominians, all ready to attack the marketplace.

Iko Teeko: Listen up. Masked Bagger and the other heroes are good at what they do. That is why the first crop will be departing soon. You will be the backup. And yes, I have a team at the ready for when you perish in battle. For as soon as the heroes die, I can begin to destroy the Earth, which has been a lifelong dream of mine. And you, as my followers, will help me out in any way that you can.

CUT TO: Bagger and Red are exploring the store when they come upon the Banta Bowler.

Masked Bagger: Banta Bowler! You’re here, too?

Banta Bowler: Yes, but why? What’s going on here?

Masked Bagger: That’s a question I can’t answer just yet. I have another question. Why would they collect a bunch of heroes and place them in the same building? They’re just gonna have to fight all of us. And with us being united, they’ll have a tougher chance of winning.

Retail-Red: Maybe something’s going to happen to the building itself that will kill all of us at once.

Banta Bowler: Wow, you’re kind of gloomy. I like it. I’m Banta Bowler.

Retail-Red: I’m Retail-Red. I occasionally fight alongside Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Listen, whatever the situation, we have to remain united. Now let’s find Cart-Boy and anyone else who might be here.

CUT TO: Maitland enters the marketplace. She stops a customer.

Maitland Collins: Excuse me, sir. Have you seen a chubby guy wearing a black mask over his eyes?

Customer: No.

Maitland Collins: What about a teenage boy walking around with a helmet and a safety vest?

Customer: Sorry, no. I don’t tend to notice my surroundings.

Maitland Collins: Then I don’t suppose you’ve seen a sexy woman in a skintight red outfit?

Customer: Yes. She went that way (pointing in some direction).

Maitland Collins: Thanks!

CUT TO: A few hours have passed. Our trio of heroes are tired from fighting and running. They grab some donuts, chips and drinks and find a nice cozy location, away from it all.

Masked Bagger: After we refuel, we’ll get back to the search.

CUT TO: Mr. Bartlett approaches Hailie Morgan in the non-foods section.

Mr. Bartlett: Hailie, I need to ask you something.

Hailie Morgan: What you need be ask me?

Mr. Bartlett: You consider me a friend, right?

Hailie Morgan: Sure. Otherwise you fire my ass.

Mr. Bartlett: What? I wouldn’t fire you if you don’t consider me a friend. I’m insulted that you’d think that.

Hailie Morgan: Well in that case… we not friends. You my boss and I don’t dislike you, but that’s it.

Mr. Bartlett: Wait a second. You and I are Facebook friends.

Hailie Morgan: That be Facebook. That got nothing to do with real life. Every Schmo knows that.

Mr. Bartlett: Really? I’m not a “Schmo” so I wouldn’t know.

Hailie Morgan: Why you askin’ me this?

Mr. Bartlett: Ben won’t be my friend on Facebook.

Hailie Morgan: So?

Mr. Bartlett: So, it bothers me.

Hailie Morgan: Get a life.

Mr. Bartlett: I’d love to, but how can I when nobody will be my friend?!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger, Retail-Red and Banta Bowler are still relaxing, sitting down at a location away from people. The 717 Guardian looks over at Banta Bowler, who’s sitting there with a giant smile on his face.

Masked Bagger: What the heck are you doing?

Banta Bowler: I’m fighting off depression by smiling. It tricks the brain into thinking I’m happy.

Masked Bagger: Well you’re creeping me out.

Banta Bowler: I can’t help it. I’m a dark figure.

Masked Bagger: Just because you dress all in black, doesn’t make you Batman.

Banta Bowler: I’m better than Batman. I have super powers. Batman doesn’t.

Masked Bagger: Your powers are that your body creates bowling balls for you to roll at your opponent. All it really means is you never have to buy your own bowling ball again.

Banta Bowler: (happily) Hey, yeah. I hadn’t thought of that.

Retail-Red: Listen guys, I think we should get back out there and find Cart-Boy. Although I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t found us already.

The trio get going. About five minutes into their search, they find a bloodied body on the floor.

Banta Bowler: Who did this?

A Voice Behind Them: I did.

They turn around to see Cart-Boy standing there with his weapon in hand… his handle bar.

Masked Bagger: Cart-Boy! It’s great to see you again! But what did this guy do to you?

Cart-Boy: He called me Cart-Boy.

Masked Bagger: But that’s your name.

Cart-Boy: I know and I hate it.

Masked Bagger: But still.

Cart-Boy: Relax. He’s a thug. Who’s the red chick?

Retail-Red: Your boss, Miss Dalton.

Cart-Boy: I like. So, what’s going on here?

Masked Bagger: None of us know. For some reason, heroes from this level have been rounded up and brought to this store.

Cart-Boy: I say we get out of here… by any means necessary.

Banta Bowler: I’m with the kid. Let’s go!

Masked Bagger, Cart-Boy, Banta Bowler and Retail-Red take off. They run through the frozen foods aisle. When they reach the end, three Scrominians are there to greet them. The heroes stop. Of course, they don’t know they’re Scrominians, as that alien race can disguise themselves to look human. All the quartet know is that these guys are trying to keep them from their freedom.

Masked Bagger: You’re really going to have to move out of our way or we can’t get out of here.

Scrominian #1: That’s the point.

Cart-Boy: What a dick!

The teen titan then takes the handle bar from his back holster and, like a mad man, goes to town beating the Scrominians with it. He’s doing some damage, but not truly defeating them. One grabs the handle bar and hurls it over to another area. Banta Bowler runs back down the aisle. The Scrominians begin to laugh.

Scrominian #2: Look at the coward run away!

Of course Banta Bowler wasn’t being a coward. He was getting in line to take down the baddies. A bowling ball is created from his hand and he gets his stance together, and then rolls the ball down the aisle. It knocks all three of them down.

Banta Bowler: I’ve cleared a path.

The heroes leave the aisle and continue their quest. Cart-Boy grabs the handle bar off the floor and returns it to its holster. He then sees something disturbing.

Cart-Boy: (to Masked Bagger) Wait, isn’t that that pizza guy with the weird first name?

Masked Bagger: Yeah! He must have been brought here too.

They look over and see Jarlen Mather with a noose around his neck and a few Scrominians surrounding him. The rope is laying across a bar, up by the ceiling, and one of the baddies is about to pull down, strangling the deliverer of pizza.

Banta Bowler: Who’s this?

Masked Bagger: He’s a pizza delivery guy.

Banta Bowler: And that makes him a hero?

Masked Bagger: (offended) Yes!

They all race over to Jarlen’s defense. Retail-Red takes out her scan-gun and shoots off a laser beam at one of the guys. Two others attack her and take the gun from her. The one holding it begins to shoot lasers at Red. She dodges, then spins around and kicks it out of the goon’s hand. Unfortunately, it lands on the floor and breaks.

Retail-Red: My gun!

Masked Bagger: Yeah, now you know how I feel about my bag-gun. My bag-gun!

The great protector of 717 takes out his bag-gun and captures the remaining three bad guys with it. Banta then unties Jarlen.

Jarlen Mather: Thanks. That was a close one.

Masked Bagger: We meet again, huh?

Jarlen Mather: Yeah, but this time without a pizza in the end.

Cart-Boy: Call me a psychic, but I know what you’re going to ask next.

Jarlen Mather: What am I going to ask next?

Cart-Boy: “What’s going on here?”

Jarlen Mather: That *is* what I was going to ask.

Masked Bagger: I’ll give you the simple answer… we don’t know.

Jarlen Mather: Okay. What’s say we walk out the front door and be on our merry way?

Banta Bowler: I’m for that... except for the “merry way” part.

Retail-Red: We can attempt it, but I’m 99% sure we won’t be able to.

Jarlen Mather: Oh, sure we can. The doors are automatic. They open for you.

They all head for the front end, which first they have to find, as none of them have ever been inside this store before. Once they get to the door, they stop.

Masked Bagger: I’ll go first. Just wait here.

Our precious hero slowly walks out the door. Just as he sets foot outside, a Scrominian with a gun shoots him in the chest. Bagger runs back inside.

Masked Bagger: Bulletproof jacket, but DAMN that hurt!

Retail-Red: Just as I thought. They won’t let us out.

CUT TO: Maitland walks over to the dairy department in hopes of finding the Bagger and friends. She thought about using the intercom, but figured that would bring too much attention to the heroes and didn’t want all the Scrominians to be after them. Agent Carney spots her and approaches her, pretending to be a dairy clerk.

Agent Carney: Hello. Can I help you find anything today?

Maitland Collins: No, thanks.

Agent Carney: I see you wear the clothes of a Kroger employee. Are you a bagger doing a price check?

Maitland Collins: No. I actually don’t even work at this Kroger. I’m just, uh, shopping.

Agent Carney: Well, if you need anything, please let me know.

Maitland Collins: I will.

Agent Carney: I mean it. Anything. For example, a chance to survive.

The agent quickly puts Maitland in handcuffs and then places a bomb down the back of her tucked-in shirt, where it just sits. Carney takes off while Maitland panics. And in traditional panic mode, Maitland begins to quietly sing her song.

Maitland Collins: ♪ I’ll reach out my hand for you… I’ll have faith in all you do… Just call my name and I’ll be there… ♪

(I'll Be There by The Jackson Five https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xg2vMrDzoXM)

Unable to use her hands to remove the bomb, Maitland is frozen in fear, but continues singing.

Maitland Collins: (whispering) ♪ Just look over your shoulders, honey. ♪

Mysterious voice: Miss, do you need help?

Maitland looks over her shoulder to see her father standing there. Of course, he doesn’t know she’s his daughter, since in the present day, Maitland is not quite two years-old yet.

Maitland Collins: Yes, um, could you un-tuck my shirt in the back and grab the, uh, toy bomb. But be very careful with it.

Austin Slaughter: Sure thing.

He does as instructed.

Austin Slaughter: Now what?

Maitland Collins: Take it to the back and throw it in the giant walk-in freezer and be sure to close the door before running like hell.

Austin Slaughter: Okay. That’s a bit much for a toy bomb, but whatever you say.

Again he does as instructed. When he returns to the handcuffed Maitland, he hears an explosion.

Austin Slaughter: THAT was no toy!

Maitland Collins: I know. I didn’t want to frighten you. Think you can get me out of these handcuffs?

CUT TO: Ben walks into Bartlett’s office.

Ben Davis: What’s going on here?

Mr. Bartlett: What do you mean?

Ben Davis: I went to look at your page on Facebook and I can’t. You blocked me. What gives?

Mr. Bartlett: Listen, Ben, get over it. Okay? It’s just Facebook. Who cares? Am I right?

Ben Davis: But you were so obsessed with my not adding you as a friend, that I started to feel guilty and was planning to send you a friend request. But, whatever.

Mr. Bartlett: I can unblock you!

CUT TO: Maitland finally catches up with the others. Our hero spots her.

Masked Bagger: Maitland!

Maitland Collins: Thank God you guys are still alive!

Retail-Red: I assume you know what’s going on.

Maitland Collins: The Scrominians are planning to attack Earth, but they need to get you guys out of the way first.

Jarlen Mather: What are Scrominians?

Maitland Collins: They’re an alien race from the planet Scrom. They’re headed by the evil Iko Teeko. At least they are when I came from. But this is twenty years prior to his reign.

Suddenly, Iko Teeko appears before the group of heroes.

Iko Teeko: Well hello there, Level Defenders.

They all look at one another, totally approving of that name.

Iko Teeko: You have come to the end of the line in your pathetic lives.

Masked Bagger: Uh, I have an entire room in my house dedicated to my TV on DVD collection. That’s hardly pathetic!

Iko Teeko: You’re right. That’s full-on pathetic.

Masked Bagger: (quietly) Well I guess he put me in *my* place.

Maitland Collins: (to Teeko) What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be twenty years from now?

Iko Teeko: Foolish child. I was also banished to the past, mere months after I sent you back. Which, by the way, I thought you were sent a lot further back in time.

Maitland Collins: I had a little help securing my arrival to this particular time period.

Iko Teeko: Well, thank you. That allowed me to come to this year instead of the dawn of time, which, really, how could I rule anything back then? So, this is preferable. Plus I have an army here, waiting for my command to attack.

Banta Bowler: If you were banished to the past, how do you have an army here?

Iko Teeko: I’ve gathered Scrominians from this time and have been very persuasive. I gained power once. I know how to do it.

Maitland Collins: What does it matter? You clearly don’t succeed. Don’t forget I’m also from 2036. I know that you guys don’t make yourselves known for another ten years.

Iko Teeko: No, my dear. I’ve filled your feeble mind with some false facts to prevent you from knowing certain things that I don’t want you to know.

One of the truths he’s kept hidden from Maitland’s memory is the death of her father, Austin, which takes place in a little over a year. That way, she won’t try and rescue him.

Masked Bagger: What *exactly* is the extent of Scrominian’s powers?

Iko Teeko: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Masked Bagger: Hence, I asked.

Iko Teeko: Let’s leave some things a mystery.

Masked Bagger: Well, why do you want to destroy Earth? The hell did we ever do to you guys?

Iko Teeko: You Earthlings act so superior to all other beings in the galaxy. It irks me. So, I must prove you wrong by killing each and every smug Earthling.

Jarlen Mather: We’re not smug.

Iko Teeko: The humans who know of our existence only use us as servants. Even though we prove our superiority over you all the time, you continue to treat us with disrespect. Therefore you must die.

Banta Bowler: Can’t argue with that.

Just then, the bowling alley hero hurls a ball at the dark lord, but it goes right through him. Teeko laughs.

Iko Teeko: You don’t think I’m actually there with you right now, do you? Silly, stupid human. This is just a projection of me. My actual whereabouts are none of your concern.

Iko Teeko vanishes. Seconds later, explosions start going off throughout the store. The customers panic and leave as fast as they can.

Maitland Collins: Follow me!

The Level Defenders run through the store, headed for the back dock. The explosions are going off around them, but the group of heroes are determined to make it. Once they arrive on the dock, they beat up a couple of Scrominian guards and get inside a van, as instructed by Maitland.

Jarlen Mather: That blue guy really wants us dead!

Cart-Boy: (sarcastically) You think?

Maitland Collins: We’re safe inside this van. I got it from the Scrominian department inside a government building.

The explosions going off in the background reminds Masked Bagger of an awful day back in September of ‘15.

Masked Bagger: At least we’re all safe and none of us are getting left behind… this time.

Maitland Collins: Iko Teeko’s on Scrom. I know it.

Masked Bagger: So, now what?

Maitland Collins: We can end this.

Banta Bowler: How?

Maitland Collins: By going to the planet Scrom and defeating Iko Teeko.

Banta Bowler: Is this going to be a suicide mission?

Maitland Collins: Not if we’re really good at what we do.

Jarlen Mather: Boy, is that Bowler a downer or what? Do you *want* this to be a suicide mission?

Banta Bowler: Of course not. Just know that even if it is… I’m in.

Maitland Collins: This van will be taking us to Scrom.

Cart-Boy: So, you knew we’d be going there?

Maitland Collins: I knew *I* would be going there. I’ve figured out a way to return to the future but I can only do that from there.

Masked Bagger: Let’s go to Scrom.

Just then, the marketplace explodes completely, with many of the Scrominian guards still inside. This doesn’t affect the Level Defenders, who are pumped for their mission. Jarlen cranks up the radio and the song “25 or 6 to 4” by Chicago begins to play as the band of heroes take off on their adventure.

(25 or 6 to 4 by Chicago https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUAYeN3Rp2E)

TO BE CONTINUED…

ISSUE #39. The Level Defenders (Part 2)

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Retail-Red alias Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Maitland Collins

Guest Starring:
Iko Teeko
McPhetridge [pictured below]
Banta Bowler
Jarlen Mather
Katie Collins
Agent Carney
Kronenberger [pictured below]
Cheesebrew [pictured below]
Thomas Bowshier [pictured below]

ISSUE #39. The Level Defenders (Part 2)

Originally released on January 14th, 2017

We Now Conclude This Two-Part Story…

The crew of the Scrom-bound van continue their travels. While it’s only felt like a few hours, it’s actually been a few weeks since the gang left for Iko Teeko’s home planet. While waiting to finally arrive, they each discuss their first time having sex.

Jarlen Mather: And that was my first time.

Retail-Red: That was so romantic, Jarlen.

Jarlen Mather: Thank you.

Cart-Boy: I can’t believe you waited for marriage. I mean, who does that?

Jarlen Mather: People with morals.

Cart-Boy: Whatever.

Masked Bagger: Well, I guess it’s my turn now. So for my first time… we’re beginning to have the act, when she starts letting out moans of ecstasy, only I think she’s in pain. So every time she moans, I ask her “Are you okay?” She says yes. But then she lets out more moans. She was quite loud about it. So again, I stopped and asked her if she was in pain. She’d shout out “Yes! Yes! Yes!” I responded “Wait, you *are* in pain?” She finally told me to shut up, but by that point, it was over.

Banta Bowler: That’s pretty embarrassing. How old were you?

Masked Bagger: Thirty-four. This was only a couple months ago.

Maitland Collins: Gang, we’re in Scrom.

The van finds a parking place and the crew get out. Scrom resembles Earth, with a few differences. The sky is gray. The grass is purple. With the exception of Lord Teeko, Scrominians walk around nude. Men are blue and women are pink. They are able to change their skin color to that of Earthling’s color when they arrive on Earth but while on their home planet, they remain their natural color. They also have a very limited hairline. Both men and women are basically bald, with maybe just a little amount of hair on their head. Also worthy of note, the men don’t have nipples because… why should they?

Banta Bowler: I think we’re gonna stick out like a group of sore thumbs.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, and Maitland, you’re a wanted woman.

Maitland Collins: I’m only wanted in 2036. This is still 2017.

Masked Bagger: 2017? When we left it was the last week of 2016!

Maitland Collins: It takes time to go from one planet to another. Especially a hard-to-find one like Scrom.

Masked Bagger: Well Happy New Year, everybody!

Just then, a bus drives by with a giant picture of Maitland on the side, stating that she’s wanted.

Maitland Collins: What? I think maybe I should hang out in the van until the mission is through.

Retail-Red: But this is YOUR mission! Iko Teeko is basically your own personal enemy. We’re *your* team.

Maitland Collins: And *as* my team, you can carry out my orders while I stay in the van and command. Now everybody get back in here. I’ll drive you to the government building where I hired someone on Earth to come here and build us some vehicles for war.

The van makes its way to the building. Once there, the Level Defenders, minus Maitland, enter the facilities.

Masked Bagger: I can’t wait to see what kind of vehicle I get. Will it be in the shape of a Kroger bag?

Cart-Boy: Maybe it will look just like the Bagger-Mobile.

Masked Bagger: Oh yeah. What am I getting so excited about? I already have my own vehicle.

Retail-Red: I’m pretty sure this will be something else entirely, Bagger. I mean, the Scrominians are really good at what they do.

Banta Bowler: That’s exactly why we need to stay on our toes. I don’t trust these blue and pink freaks.

Jarlen Mather: (sarcastically) That’s good, Banta. Insult these guys in their home base. It’s not like anything bad can happen to us.

Retail-Red: That’s true. Scrominians aren’t too fond of the human race. So, let’s be as friendly as possible.

Masked Bagger: And THEN kill everyone!

Retail-Red: What?!?

Masked Bagger: I was exaggerating, but we’re here for war. I don’t mean kill civilians. But we’re fighting more than just Iko Teeko himself.

Banta Bowler: Things are gonna get savage.

CUT TO: Back at 717, Mr. Bartlett is in his office with Ben Davis, Hailie Morgan, Katie Collins and Thomas Bowshier.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay, we have the makings of a great team. It may get savage out there, but I believe we can do this!

Katie Collins: Dodge ball? I haven’t played that since middle school.

Ben Davis: Yeah. I like dodge ball as much as the next guy, but aren’t there more important things we should be doing?

Mr. Bartlett: This is a company wide game. We have to play in it. Besides, it’ll get our minds off the fact that Miss Dalton, Masked Bagger, Cart-Boy and Maitland have left us.

Hailie Morgan: Just temporarily. They be back.

Mr. Bartlett: Hey, impressive, Hailie. “Temporarily” is a big word for your usual Ghetto-Tarzan way of speaking.

Hailie Morgan: Keep it up. I be tanking the game!

Mr. Bartlett: Don’t even joke about that.

Thomas Bowshier: Excuse me, but is this the whole team?

Mr. Bartlett: No. Of course not. Cassie Beaumont will also be joining us. Just as soon as she gets here.

The phone rings. Bartlett answers it.

Mr. Bartlett: This is Mr. Bartlett speaking. (pauses) Okay. Thanks for letting me know. Buh-bye.

He hangs up and then looks at his dodge ball crew.

Mr. Bartlett: Yep, this is it.

Thomas Bowshier: What?

Mr. Bartlett: That was Cassie on the phone. She just quit.

Katie Collins: What about all the other employees?

Mr. Bartlett: Who?

Katie Collins: The people out there running the store while we’re all in here talking.

Mr. Bartlett: Oh, right… THEM!

CUT TO: The government base on Scrom. The Level Defenders are standing by after just having met the Scrominian scientist named McPhetridge, hired by Maitland on Earth.

McPhetridge: Okay, so here are your vehicles.

Bagger looks at Retail-Red.

Masked Bagger: (quietly) Red, you’re redder than usual. Are you okay?

Retail-Red: I’m blushing. This guy’s naked… and very, uh, well-sized.

McPhetridge notices what’s happening and stops talking. He focuses his attentions on Retail-Red.

McPhetridge: Well hello there, cutie. I can’t help but notice your eyes are on my manhood rather than on your vehicles.

Retail-Red: I’m sorry. This is so embarrassing.

McPhetridge: Don’t feel bad, sweetie. I understand. It is quite magnificent. And so are you. If only I believed in Scrominian / human relations, I’d evacuate this building - except for the two of us - and I’d have my way with you right now.

Retail-Red: (blushing) You’re a sweet talker, you.

Banta Bowler: (annoyed) Can we get back to the matter at hand?

McPhetridge: Of course. Here are your vehicles. Take them. Use them. Don’t be afraid to crash them. They’re insured.

CUT TO: Iko Teeko’s lair. Agent Carney enters.

Iko Teeko: Carney, what are you doing in the Earthling clothes and that wig. This isn’t Earth!

Agent Carney: I know, Lord Teeko. I was just stopping by here on my way home. But first I felt it was important to tell you that those Level Defenders have been spotted on our planet.

Iko Teeko: (enraged) What? They have come to MY home planet? How did they leave the marketplace alive?

Agent Carney: Maitland Collins smuggled them out of the back, just before the place blew up.

Iko Teeko: Why was no one posted in the back?

Agent Carney: A few guards *were* back there. Collins’ crew just defeated them. Then they got inside a van and transported here. Are you afraid?

Iko Teeko: That is the most idiotic question I’ve ever been asked. Of course, I am not afraid. I’m furious! Get Collins and bring her to me.

Agent Carney: That might be hard. She is the only one from that group who’s not been spotted.

Iko Teeko: She’s here. I know she is.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger returns to the van where Maitland is hiding out.

Masked Bagger: So, I have this aircraft. It’s pretty cool.

Maitland Collins: That’s awesome.

Masked Bagger: Watcha doing?

Maitland Collins: I’m working on figuring out how to get back home.

Masked Bagger: So, I’ve been meaning to ask, how does Scrom have time travel anyway?

Maitland Collins: It started when a man by the name of Chuck Hardy traveled to 2034. He explained that he usually only stayed within the parameters of Kroger on Earth, but his suit of time travel armor had malfunctioned.

Masked Bagger: Chuck Hardy! That’s the Time-Clock!

Maitland Collins: He was imprisoned, while McPhetridge and Iko Teeko, used the suit to perfect time travel.

Masked Bagger: Wait, so McPhetridge is bad?

Maitland Collins: No. He was Teeko’s underling because he was scared of him and figured he’d keep his friends close but his enemies closer. Trust me, McPhetridge is a good guy.

Masked Bagger: Well, what happened to Hardy?

Maitland Collins: Instead of releasing him, Teeko had him killed.

Masked Bagger: Well, good riddance. He was a terrible man. What happened to the suit of armor?

Maitland Collins: Doing research while visiting Agent Jensen and the Scrominian department, I discovered that it was brought back to this year by McPhetridge himself. So it’s somewhere on the planet.

Suddenly, Cart-Boy’s image appears on the monitor in the van.

Maitland Collins: What is it, Carts?

Cart-Boy: I should let you know that I was just watching some television to see what kind of shows they have here, and a special bulletin appeared. There’s a reward for your capture. People are hunting you, Maitland.

Maitland Collins: Hashtag crap on a stick!

Masked Bagger: What are you going to do?

Maitland Collins: I need you to go back to the base and grab some pink body paint, purple hair dye, a bald cap and some scissors. Then bring them back here to me.

Masked Bagger: That’s an odd request, but I’m on it.

CUT TO: The crew are all inside their vehicles, ready for take off to give a surprise attack to their enemies. But first they need Masked Bagger to return from his task.

Banta Bowler: I have to admit, this is a pretty sweet ride.

He speaks into a five-way walkie-talkie.

Banta Bowler: Jarlen, how’s your Pizza-Mobile?

Jarlen Mather: It’s pizza-riffic! With this baby, I’m sure we can bring back the 30 minutes or less gimmick!

Jarlen speaks to Cart-Boy.

Jarlen Mather: Carts, how’s your… cart?

Cart-Boy: It’ll do just fine. I guess it’s my turn. Red, how’s your, uh, Retail-Red jet?

Retail-Red: It’s awfully red.

Banta Bowler: Come on, Scrominians. Make my day.

Masked Bagger arrives and gets in his aircraft, which is currently grounded.

Masked Bagger: Come on, Scrominians. Make my day.

Banta Bowler: I literally just said the same thing.

Masked Bagger: Oh, you did?

Cart-Boy: I think we should all take a moment to sing Maitland’s favorite song, “I’ll Be There,” before going into battle. I, of course, say this sarcastically to make fun of her.

Suddenly, twenty Scrominians, each in their own war vehicles, come towards our precious heroes.

Banta Bowler: So much for a surprise attack!

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. I was pretty surprised alright.

The battle begins.

CUT TO: The Kroger 717 staff are in a gymnasium. Their own battle is about to begin.

Mr. Bartlett: Okay, this is it. Let’s all have fun, but remember that this is the most important thing going on in the universe right now.

CUT TO: Back on Scrom, Maitland is now is the guise of a Scrominian, which means she’s naked with pink body paint and the bald cap with a couple cuts, letting some dyed purple hair stick out. She heads back to McPhetridge’s.

Maitland Collins: McPhetridge!

McPhetridge: Who are you, and can you have my babies?

Maitland Collins: It’s me, Maitland!

McPhetridge: Oh, gross. Never mind about the babies. I only do other Scrominians.

Maitland Collins: I know. I need your help. You’re a smart guy. How do we get rid of Iko Teeko? His army is attacking my team right now. Also, I need help with my time machine. I need to get back to 2036.

McPhetridge: I have the answer to both dilemmas.

Maitland Collins: What’s that?

McPhetridge: You go to Iko Teeko’s lair. He won’t recognize you, so it’ll be fairly easy to slip in, pretending to be a servant of his. The time traveling suit of armor is in one of his rooms. Find it. Put it on. Set it for some crazy time period, like the dawn of time. Grab a hold of him and then transport yourself. Once you arrive, ditch him, and go back to 2036. It’s really quite simple.

Maitland Collins: The armor works?

McPhetridge: Of course.

Maitland Collins: Then why doesn’t he use it to get back home?

McPhetridge: Word is he likes it here. After all, the people of his time turned on him, banishing him to the past.

Maitland Collins: Then I’m going for it. But before I go to 2036, I’ll come back here and help my team.

McPhetridge: Whatever.

Maitland leaves. McPhetridge gets on his phone.

McPhetridge: Lord Teeko. Calling Lord Teeko.

Teeko appears on a screen.

Iko Teeko: Yes, what is it… son?

McPhetridge: Maitland Collins is headed for your lair. She’s disguised as a Scrominian. She wants your time machine.

Iko Teeko: Thank you for informing me. I will finally be rid of her and then I can tend to my little project of destroying Earth.

CUT TO: The war zone. Banta’s bowling ball car is rolling over his enemies, crushing them to death. Jarlen drives his pizza-mobile around and spots a Scrominian in a flying machine, headed for him. He presses a button and the top of his car opens up and a big metal pizza shoots out, hitting the aircraft, causing it to crash. Cart-Boy is driving around in his cart-mobile, and after a while, gets distracted and crashes into a tree.

He gets out and grabs his handle bar to fight Scrominians one on one in physical combat. Retail-Red and Masked Bagger have taken to the skies: Red, shooting out lasers at the oncoming enemies and Bagger, releasing a bag, which captures one of the Scrominian-filled planes. This leads to its demise as it then crashes to the ground. Just when he starts feeling good about himself, a laser strikes the Bagger-Pod and the 717 Guardian hurtles to the ground himself.

CUT TO: The dodge ball game back on Earth. The 717 team is doing quite well (surprisingly). At one point, Ben goes to catch the ball, but it slips through his hands, causing him to get out. Bartlett is furious.

Mr. Bartlett: Come on, Butterfingers Ben! You’re supposed to catch the ball… like this!

The corporate boss turns to catch an incoming ball, but misses it altogether as it hits his shin. He’s out.

Ben Davis: Oh, like THAT, you say?

Thomas Bowshier: Quit your squabbling. You’re both out. We’ll keep this team afloat, although Katie doesn’t seem to be into it, seeing as she’s hiding out in the corner.

Katie Collins: All part of my strategy!

CUT TO: An unconscious Masked Bagger is laying down on a couch inside the basement lab of a Kroger store on Scrom. Kronenberger walks up to him as our brave hero wakes up.

Kronenberger: Rise and shine.

Masked Bagger: Where am I?

Kronenberger: Relax. You’re safe.

Masked Bagger: Who are you?

Kronenberger: My name is Kronenberger. I am the manager of this Krogers, but I’m also a scientist. Some even call me “Professor.” I’ve had a lot of tragedies in my life, among them my wife being murdered and my son gone missing, but after years of depression, I’ve since found love again in my new bride, Cheesebrew.

Masked Bagger: Why does that sound familiar?

Kronenberger: Anyway, I found your aircraft just outside the store. So, I brought you inside. My wife will help nurse you back to health.

Masked Bagger: Isn’t that a little sexist?

Kronenberger: Why? She’s a nurse.

Masked Bagger: Oh, sorry. I just thought that because she’s a woman, she would do the nursing.

Kronenberger: Then doesn’t that make *you* the sexist?

Masked Bagger: No. I meant that that’s what YOU were saying. Never mind. So, there’s a Kroger on Scrom?

Kronenberger: Of course, there is.

Masked Bagger: I come from a Kroger on Earth. But mine is plagued by a devil.

Kronenberger: So was mine.

Masked Bagger: What do you mean “was?”

Kronenberger: It isn’t any longer. I killed him.

Masked Bagger: How?

Kronenberger: I have this special axe. It was blessed by Kroger’s Heavenly Father.

Masked Bagger: Who’s that?

Kronenberger: Why Barney Kroger, of course.

Masked Bagger: Can I have it?

Kronenberger: Sure. I’ll get it. Just lay there.

Kronenberger walks over to get the axe, while Cheesebrew comes over to comfort their patient.

Cheesebrew: Hello there. I’m Cheesebrew, Kronenberger’s wife. And yes, our couples’ name is Cheeseberger.

Kronenberger returns with the axe. He hands it to the 717 Guardian.

Kronenberger: Here you go. That’ll take care of that pesky devil problem you have.

Masked Bagger: Thank you. This is… just… thank you.

Kronenberger: You’re welcome. Now I understand humans wear clothes, but what’s with the mask?

Masked Bagger: It’s to keep my true identity a secret. I’m a superhero at my Kroger. The devil turns people evil and I fight them to protect others.

Kronenberger: Yes, I once had a hero in the store before we defeated our devil.

Masked Bagger: What happened to the hero?

Kronenberger: He went back home. His job was finished.

Masked Bagger: I wish I could go back home. I mean, I visit it every now and then, but I would love to go back to my Earth level to stay. Being a superhero has been the best, but I’m also a lazy guy and would love to just go back to having my simple life where the toughest foe I have to battle is a rude customer.

Kronenberger: Now that you have the weapon to destroy the devil, I’d say you can start making plans to go home permanently.

CUT TO: Back at the dodge ball game, the entire 717 team is out except for Katie. Her strategy of staying in the corner worked. Only problem is, she’s now the only player and she’s up against six on the opposing team. A ball whizzes past her head, just barely missing her.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to play nice!

Suddenly, all the balls are thrown at her and each of them hit her. She goes down as Bartlett screams…

Mr. Bartlett: Oh the humanity!

CUT TO: On the battlefield, all of the Level Defender’s vehicles have malfunctioned. Turns out, McPhetridge really *is* a bad guy, and built the machines knowing they were no good. This doesn’t stop our band of heroes. They get out and start fighting the bad guys personally.

Banta Bowler: Come on you Scrominian freak. Come to daddy.

As the Scrominian gets closer, the hero in black creates a bowling ball from his hand and, holding onto it, whacks the baddie in the face. He’s knocked out. Cart-Boy laughs.

Cart-Boy: He’s really bowled over!

Retail-Red is the best fighter of the group. Not only does she use her newly repaired scan-gun to shoot lasers at her opponents, but she also knows martial arts, and uses that to defend herself. She takes out quite a few Scrominians.

Jarlen Mather: I don’t have any weapons to use against my enemies, but I am a huge fan of The Three Stooges.

He then pokes an oncoming Scrommie in the eyes before punching him in the face, dropping him like a sack of potatoes.

Jarlen Mather: Thanks, boys!

Cart-Boy: Hey, wait a minute. Where’s Masked Bagger?

Retail-Red: His Bagger-Pod was shot down earlier. I flew back around to find him but couldn’t.

Cart-Boy: So, he’s dead?

Retail-Red: I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t want to think about that right now. If I get too emotional, it could affect the way I fight. We’ll have time to grieve later, but for now, let’s get these guys!

The fight continues.

CUT TO: Kronenberger and Masked Bagger are chatting in the basement lab of the Scrominian Kroger.

Kronenberger: Oh, I have a solution for that problem as well.

Masked Bagger: What is it?

Kronenberger: I have an invention that I only used once before, but it completely worked. You see, I transported the entire population to a decoy planet. This totally happened on accident, but this fake Scrom was able to sustain life for up to three months. Of course we returned in just a few days.

Masked Bagger: What are you getting at?

Kronenberger: The only way to kill Iko Teeko is to blow him up along with the planet. That’s why he’s undefeated and why the people of his era sent him back in time to get rid of him. They weren’t about to destroy their home just to lose him. So in my plan, we transport people to the substitute Scrom, which only takes a couple of seconds, then we blow this place up by placing a good amount of explosives in the core of the planet.

Masked Bagger: But isn’t losing the planet too big a price to pay?

Kronenberger: It’s happened before. Scrom blew up about two-hundred years ago. This has been told by the surviving Scrominians, who resided on other planets at the time. It took three months for the pieces of Scrom to come together and form a living planet again. And if you recall, I just mentioned that Fake Scrom can sustain life for three months. It’ll be a tight squeeze, but it will work. And to get rid of this evil Lord Teeko will be worth it. He’s really done some damage since coming back in time to the present.

Masked Bagger: Sounds… doable.

Kronenberger: The only problem is that someone will have to sacrifice themselves to keep Teeko here. Otherwise, he could leave the planet before the explosion, using his infamous time travel suit of armor.

Masked Bagger: Someone to serve as a distraction?

Kronenberger: Yes.

CUT TO: Maitland is inside Iko Teeko’s lair. She finally locates the time travel suit of armor. But before she gets it, Iko enters the room.

Iko Teeko: Why hello there, servant. I don’t recall seeing you before.

Maitland Collins: I’m new. Just brought in yesterday. What’s that? (she points)

Iko Teeko: That is a time traveling suit of armor. It was invented a few years ago on Earth.

Maitland Collins: Does it work… Lord Teeko?

Iko Teeko: It does, in fact. Were you dreaming of going to a different year?

Maitland Collins: I’m just being nosy.

Iko Teeko: Let’s cut the act… Miss Collins.

Suddenly, she feels as naked as she actually is, and covers herself with her hands.

Maitland Collins: How’d you know it was me?

Iko Teeko: McPhetridge tipped me off. He’s my son, you know?

Maitland Collins: No, I didn’t.

Iko Teeko: Why do you want the armor?

Maitland Collins: To return home to 2036.

Iko Teeko: You’ll have to fight me for it.

CUT TO: Kronenberger has just planted explosives in the core of the planet. As he returns to his Kroger to flip the switch and transport all Scrominians to Fake Scrom, Masked Bagger heads back to the fight. Since only natives of the planet will transfer, the 717 Guardian has to get the team back in the van and head for Earth. Since Teeko is a native, wouldn’t he automatically transfer? No. He’s from a different time period, which cause his neutrons to be out of balance and not readable to the transportation device. This also includes McPhetridge, who like Iko, Maitland and the Earthlings is just a visitor. The six Level Defenders are the only humans on Scrom at the moment, so there will be no innocent casualties (unless the gang can’t leave in time). Jarlen spots Adam running towards them.

Jarlen Mather: Hey guys, it’s the Bagger!

Cart-Boy: Adam, you’re alive!

They hug.

Masked Bagger: It looks like you guys are winning, but we’ll all lose if we don’t get back in the van immediately.

Retail-Red: Why?

Masked Bagger: A friend is about to blow up the whole planet in order to kill Iko Teeko.

Jarlen Mather: That seems a bit extreme.

Banta Bowler: Not really.

Cart-Boy: What about Maitland?

Masked Bagger: Isn’t she with you guys? She disguised herself as a Scrominian, I assumed to join in the fight without becoming their number one target.

Retail-Red: She’s not with us, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Crap! I’ll have to contact her once we get to the van. She should still have her communicator with her. Hopefully, she can make it back here in time.

They all run to the van. Cart-Boy gets there first since his shoes have wheels on them. Once at the van, Bagger gets his walkie-talkie out.

Masked Bagger: Maitland, come in. Are you there?

CUT TO: Back in Teeko’s lair. Maitland’s wristwatch lights up. She presses a button and can hear Masked Bagger’s warning. She knows what she must do.

Iko Teeko: I’m going to love watching you die!

She kicks him in his manly area but it has no affect.

Iko Teeko: I haven’t had feeling in there for twelve years now.

She then punches him in the face. It phases him for a second, but only a second. He punches back, knocking her to the floor.

Maitland Collins: Hitting a woman? I can see how *you* were raised.

Iko Teeko: Enough. Let me bring in the big guns.

As he turns around to walk, Maitland, still on the floor, lunges over and grabs onto his right ankles, causing him to trip.

Maitland Collins: Hashtag how the mighty have fallen!

While he’s down, she runs over to the armor and puts it on, then removes her bald cap. He looks at her furiously.

Iko Teeko: Stop it, child!

Maitland Collins: Your reign is over, Teeko!

Iko Teeko: How do you figure that? What can *you* do to me?

Maitland Collins: I can strand you here and let the world destroy you.

She sets the suit to 2036 and presses the button. In a flash of light, she’s gone. Iko remains there, just as Scrom blows up. He is killed. His reign truly IS over.

CUT TO: The Level Defenders (minus Maitland) are headed back to Earth.

Masked Bagger: I’ve got the axe that will kill the Kroger Devil. Once we get home, I’ll use it on him. Then this will all be over - finally! Yep, it’s clear sailing from here on out.

CUT TO: The basement lab. All of the cell doors open, releasing every single super villain. There’s about to be another war. This one, inside 717!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!!

**SERIES FINALE**

ISSUE #40. Leaving 717

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Cart-Boy alias Chris Ward
Retail-Red alias Miss Mindy Dalton
Mr. Brad Bartlett
Ben Davis
Hailie Morgan
Maitland Collins

Guest Starring:
Kroger Devil [pictured below]
Katie Collins
Bernie Boswell
Masked Beggar
Pineapple-Man
The Powder
Salt-Man
Cartastrophe
Banker Betty

Including many more surprise cameo appearances!

ISSUE #40. Leaving 717

Originally released on February 6th, 2017

And Now Let’s Wrap Up This Story…

Adam Hauck is asleep in his bed when all of a sudden, he wakes up next to his wife.

Adam Hauck: Honey, wake up. I just had a dream that I was a superhero for Kroger on another world. The manager was a depressed professor. I fell in love with a girl who spoke ghetto, but as time went on, she started talking normal and transferred her ghetto-speak to another girl, who really ran with it. One of my bagger buddies turned evil and was replaced by a wannabe screenwriter, who dated the second ghetto girl, but their relationship ended when he outed himself as a brony. And then there was Bernie. Some weird 21 year-old, who’s attracted to little old ladies and started his own religion. Eventually, I got a teenage sidekick and a former cashier/part-time superhero herself became the new boss and a pervy guy from corporate kept hanging around. Later, the first ghetto girl’s adult daughter - whom I had delivered in an elevator with my eyes closed, by the way - came to the store all the way from the year 2036. She was stranded there and took a group of us to another planet to fight a rather tame war before returning home. In the end, all of the super villains were released from their cells and I was going to have to fight them all. That’s when I woke up. What a nightmare!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger wakes up. He had passed out once he arrived at Kroger to notice all of the super villains on the loose.

Masked Bagger: I just had a dream that I woke up, claiming my time at 717 was all a dream, and I gave a quick summary of the past four years. Freaky. I had a wife and everything. She was hot, too.

Cart-Boy: Well, that should have tipped you off that it was a dream.

CUT TO: Moments later. While upstairs, Kroger 717 is in shambles as all of the living super villains are running amok, Masked Bagger, Cart-Boy, Retail-Red and Masked Beggar are in the basement lab, pacing around.

Masked Bagger: Okay, all we have to do is round up the super villains and place them back in their cells.

Cart-Boy: (sarcastically) Yeah, no problem.

Masked Bagger: Come on. We just survived a war.

Cart-Boy: Yeah, but as a team. Maitland’s gone. Banta Bowler’s gone. Jarlen’s gone.

Masked Beggar: At least you’ve got *me* now.

Cart-Boy: (sarcastically) Great, the hobo scientist is with us. We’ll surely defeat an army of super villains *now*!

Masked Beggar: Am I detecting sarcasm?

Cart-Boy: (sarcastically) Damn, you *are* smart.

Masked Bagger: Look, you’re forgetting. I have the weapon I need to defeat the Kroger Devil. He knows it. That’s why he’s freed all the villains. We have a purpose, Cart-Boy. This is our chance to finally end things and avenge your mom and Tincher.

Cart-Boy: We can’t screw this up. Although if we do and I die in the process, at least I won’t have to take that big math test at school tomorrow.

Masked Bagger: That’s the spirit.

Retail-Red: You know, I can’t believe that we have customers up there. It’s extremely dangerous and people are still in here shopping. I don’t understand it. Why are they up there?

Masked Bagger: We have some really great sales.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell sets foot inside 717, his first time since Agent Jensen made him quit over three months prior. The place is in shambles, due to the escaped villains. Bernie holds up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it.

Bernie Boswell: I’m inside Kroger. This place is a mess. Things definitely went downhill after I left.

Agent Jensen: (via walkie-talkie) Just remember your mission.

Bernie Boswell: Right. Operation “Burn Down Kroger and Salt the Earth So No Building Ever Grows Here” beginning.

CUT TO: The four heroes head upstairs to round up the villains. All of the bag-guns had been destroyed by the baddies when they first escaped, including Masked Beggar’s “indestructible” ones. So, the gang have a pretty tough task before them. Katie Collins, Ben Davis and Hailie Morgan all join together in this scary time as villains are everywhere.

Ben Davis: Why are we not off today?

Hailie Morgan: We open. Someone gotta be here.

Katie Collins: I just came inside to use the restroom. Imma need everyone out of my way!

Hailie Morgan: This be the worst I’ve ever seen it here.

Katie Collins: And where is Adam? He’s probably off hiding in the photo lab.

Ben Davis: He does that a lot?

Katie Collins: You have no idea.

Ben spots Bernie standing by.

Ben Davis: Bernie? How’ve you been, buddy? Jump off any tall buildings lately?

Bernie Boswell: No. I don’t do that anymore. The once was enough.

Hailie Morgan: What you be doing here?

Bernie Boswell: (sarcastically) Basking in the warmth of your customer service. No, actually I’m on a top secret mission for the government. That’s all I can say.

Meanwhile, Masked Bagger spots Pineapple-Man.

Masked Bagger: Well, well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, Piney!

Pineapple-Man: How many times have I told you never to call me that?

Masked Bagger: A bunch. What’s your point?

Pineapple-Man: That we’re having a sale. Pineapples are buy one…

The produce pariah uses his telekinesis to hurl a pineapple at the 717 Guardian. It hits him in the face.

Pineapple-Man: …get one free!

The villain hurls another one at the Bagger. It also strikes the hero in the face.

Masked Bagger: Gosh, you’d think I would learn to dodge those by now! Hey, as long as we’re doing old bits, here’s one I like!

Masked Bagger runs up behind Pineapple-Man, then takes a cart strap out and wraps it around the villain’s throat, choking him for a few seconds. Then he lets go and punches him in the face. Piney goes down. Powder decides to tag-team it and extends his arms in our hero’s direction.

The Powder: I’m back and this time I’ve eaten plenty of sauerkraut.

Masked Bagger: Nasty!

The Powder: I only did it because I discovered that eating that stuff makes my powder deadly. So, I’m back to being a life-threatening villain. Which is just how I like it.

Masked Bagger: The things you do to be able to kill people.

Masked Bagger turns around.

Masked Bagger: Everyone, beware of The Powder! His Spill Magic is deadly to the touch!

Cart-Boy sneaks up behind the villain and uses his handle bar to bash Powder’s skull in. He drops to the floor.

Cart-Boy: Then I’d better take him downstairs to the jail.

Masked Bagger: Isn’t that sweet? One of the Professor’s stepsons is dragging away the Professor’s other stepson. Tincher would be so proud.

Cart-Boy: It’s what family’s all about.

As Cart-Boy drags Powder away, Salt-Man arrives on the scene.

Salt-Man: Fe fi fo fum. Look out Bagger, ‘cause here I am.

Masked Bagger: “Here I come.”

Salt-Man: That’s far too personal a detail to share with me.

Masked Bagger: Typical dumb guy response!

Just then, the big bulky baddie punches our precious hero right in the belt buckle, breaking it and causing his outfit to be sucked back inside. He’s standing there as Adam Hauck. Katie, Ben, Hailie and Bernie are all standing by and see this. They are shocked.

Katie Collins: Imma need… Imma need… Imma need… Imma need…

Ben Davis: Wow, this news broke Katie.

Bernie Boswell: I knew it! I knew it! I mean as of a few seconds ago, I knew it.

Hailie Morgan: I be married to a man and not even know he keep this secret from me. Our marriage be a lie!

Adam Hauck: If you’ll excuse me, I gotta go change.

Adam runs to the bagger’s closet where his original outfit is hidden. He puts it on and returns to the fight. He stands there, facing all of the villains who want him dead. Is he scared? Of course! But he can’t let *them* see that.

Masked Bagger: Okay. It’s time to be takin’ care of business!

Suddenly, the song “Takin’ Care of Business” by Bachman Turner Overdrive comes on the Kroger radio. Bagger smiles.

(Takin' Care if Business by Bachman Turner Overdrive https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCIUf8eYPqA)

Masked Bagger: I swear this is just an awesome coincidence. Now it’s time to bag me some baddies.

The 717 Guardian rejoins the battle. Just then, a flock of the evil birdmen fly into the store to wreak havoc.

Masked Bagger: Four years in and I’m still scared of these feathered freaks!
Soon after, Cart-Boy returns and meets Cartastrophe.

Cartastrophe: What do we have here? A goody-goody version of me?

Cart-Boy: Maybe. But at the end of the day, I can take my costume off, while you’re stuck looking like that.

Just then, Cartastrophe wheels over to the teen titan and rams into him. Cart-Boy takes his handle bar and hits the evil cart villain with it but it doesn’t hurt him at all. He just laughs.

Cartastrophe: What you say is true, but I can’t be physically hurt. You, however, can!

He then punches Cart-Boy in the face with his wheel before racing off.

Retail-Red and Banker Betty meet up.

Retail-Red: Don’t you have any clothes to wear?

Banker Betty: This bikini is literally made of thousand dollar bills. I love to show it off.

Retail-Red: You certainly show everything off in that outfit.

Banker Betty: Look who’s talking, miss red skintight outfit. There’s no secrets to be kept with *your* outfit either.

The two women begin to fight. Immediately, Betty does a spin kick and knocks the scan-gun out of Red’s hand. They then start wrestling. This attracts the attention of every guy in the store, causing them to all stop fighting for a moment, and watch as the two women roll around on the floor, battling it out, oblivious to all the attention they’re receiving.

Cart-Boy: I wish reality had a slow-mo button.

When it’s over, Masked Bagger looks over at Bernie.

Masked Bagger: So Bernie, I meant to ask. What are you doing here?

Bernie Boswell: I guess I can tell you. I’m here to blow up the store.

Masked Bagger: Say what?

Bernie Boswell: Don’t worry. I have official government orders from none other than Agent Jensen himself. He feels since this store has created so many super villains, the best way to end their continued creation is to blow the place up. That way no more villains will be born here, and he can have the existing ones put in an asylum.

Masked Bagger: That’s stupid. Don’t you remember? The store has already been blown up! This isn’t “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” We’re not living in Sunnydale. Kroger 717 isn’t on a Hellmouth. Even though I admit sometimes it may seem that way. The only way to change things is to defeat the Kroger Devil. Once we put him out of commission, then we can work on making the world a safer place.

Bernie takes out a remote control.

Bernie Boswell: So, I shouldn’t push this red button, thus detonating the bomb, causing explosions galore?

Masked Bagger: No, you shouldn’t. This isn’t a Michael Bay film.

Bernie Boswell: Okay, but what a let down. I was really looking forward to playing a key role in the grand finale of this whole “good versus evil at Kroger” story.

Bernie puts the remote back in his pocket, but hears a beep. He takes it out and realizes that…

Bernie Boswell: Oops. I accidentally pressed the button. We now have thirty seconds before this place is blown to smithereens.

Masked Bagger: (yells) Everybody out of here!

Everyone scatters in a panic, all heading for exits. Bernie stands there. He knows he won’t be killed in the explosion, which takes away the risk for him, but many could still be injured or killed in the blast. He runs to the back dock and up the stairs to the roof. The bomb is up there counting down from four seconds. He immediately shuts it off, then exhales.

Bernie Boswell: I did it. I’m a hero. I just saved the building I was ordered to destroy! (pauses) I think Jensen was right. I’m nuttier than a bag of squirrels with nuts in their mouths.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger ends up out back. The Kroger Devil is standing there with a grin on his face.

Masked Bagger: What are you grinning for?

Kroger Devil: This is it. The ending for one of us. And I’m willing to bet it’s you.

Masked Bagger: I have the weapon to destroy you. I had to go all the way to planet Scrom to get it, but I got it.

Kroger Devil: I’m not scared of you. I am a powerful being. Look at all the chaos I’ve caused. All the people I’ve turned evil.

Masked Bagger: How come you never just turned *me* evil?

Kroger Devil: Why would I? You’re my plaything.

Masked Bagger: Or Katie Collins?

Kroger Devil: I left her alone so that she could torture you in her own way. She didn’t have to be a super villain for that.

Masked Bagger: And yet you took Mickey.

Kroger Devil: Eh, he was dispensable.

Masked Bagger: You killed Professor Tincher!

Kroger Devil: To be fair, I killed Marlene Ward. Tincher just insisted on dying with her. You can’t pin that one on me.

The 717 Guardian takes out the Kroger axe, which was in his pocket, and it grows to that of a normal sized axe once in his hand. The Devil continues to smile.

Kroger Devil: This is going to be good.

Masked Bagger: For the past four years you have made my life a living hell.

Kroger Devil: I resent that. If not for me, you never would have been brought to 717 in the first place. You’d still be some loser without a life and working at a regular Kroger store. Your existence would have no meaning and you’d probably just sit at home and write fantasy stories of yourself as a grocery store superhero.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, right.

Kroger Devil: I’m waiting.

Masked Bagger: For what?

Kroger Devil: For a “thank you.”

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Thank you.

Just then, the guardian swings the axe, but Kroger Devil puts a force field around his body and the axe bounces off.

Kroger Devil: No. Thank *you*.

He then retaliates by spinning around and whipping Bagger with his tail. The K slices our hero on his left arm.

Masked Bagger: You DEVIL!!! Oh wait, that’s not an insult to you.

Kroger Devil: Nope. It’s a compliment. Being a devil has given me long-lasting life. I’ve been around since 1883 and there’s no end in sight. I feed off the misery I cause others.

Masked Bagger: Do you not see the weapon in my hand?

Kroger Devil: I see it, and I’m not afraid of it. While it *might* have the power to kill me, you don’t know how to use it properly.

Masked Bagger: It’s an axe. All I have to do is this!

Masked Bagger swings the axe at the Kroger Devil again. Devil grabs it by its handle and is holding it off. Both of them have a tight grip on it.

Masked Bagger: I’m not letting go!

Just then, the evil one kicks Bagger in his most manly of areas. He lets go of the axe and goes down to the ground.

Masked Bagger: You fight dirty!

Kroger Devil: I’m a devil. Did you expect a good, clean fight? Maybe we should have a fiddle competition. We could call it “Kroger Devil Went Down to Georgia.”

Masked Bagger: Shut up and fight! I want this to end now!

Devil then raises his arm to chop up and kill the Masked Bagger, but our smart, some say hunky hero, extends his right arm and shoots out a cart strap. It wraps around the axe and Bagger pulls on the strap, forcing the axe out of Kroger Devil’s hand. It lands on the ground. The Devil then grabs Masked Bagger by his jacket and stands him back up.

Kroger Devil: Listen here. I am a very strong being, but even I could use some help. And help is exactly what I have and exactly what you will be calling out for.

The evil being snaps his fingers and all of the super villains line up at a distance. This includes a flock of the evil bird-men. The Masked Beggar had his evilness cranked back up, causing him to be a bad guy once more and join the ranks of other super villains, such as Trash Beast, Big K and Dairy Dude, all ready to kill the store’s defender. Masked Bagger picks up the axe.

Masked Bagger: This one’s for Professor Tincher, Marlene Ward and all the lives you’ve ruined over the years!

The 717 Guardian swings the axe at Kroger Devil again, this time striking him in the chest. The axe remains in the evil one’s chest, but nothing happens. Adam begins to wonder if the axe won’t work on an Earth devil since it was originally created for a Scrominian one.

Kroger Devil: Ha-ha, that tickles. You honestly thought that would kill me? You are extremely pathetic! (to the villains) Super villains… attack!

All the villains start running towards Masked Bagger. This looks like the end of our precious hero as there’s no way he can battle all of them by himself. Before they reach Bagger, however, the affect of the axe finally kicks in, and Kroger Devil suddenly explodes. All of the villains instantly revert back to their normal selves. They stop running, except for Rob Jenkins (formerly Meat-Man), who still goes up and punches Masked Bagger in the face.

Rob Jenkins: Hey, I hated you BEFORE I turned evil!

Masked Bagger: Fair enough.

Masked Bagger looks over the crowd of reformed baddies.

Masked Bagger: I won. I actually won. The Kroger Devil is dead. He’s really dead. His reign of evil is over. I’m saying it out loud to accept it as the truth because this is just so unbelievable, but it’s true. He’s dead. I did it, Professor. And look… everybody’s back to normal!

Bernie Boswell opens the back door from inside the building and the song “Hello Sunshine” by the Super Furry Animals is playing on the Kroger radio.

(Hello Sunshine by the Super Furry Animals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njaYAccqpqk)

As Masked Bagger looks over the crowd of men and women who were once evil, he now sees them as their true selves. From Mickey Tork to Vince Beckett. From Bailey Moore to Dylan Stephens. A true miracle has occurred here today. Bernie spots Gabe Chapman, no longer Freeze-Cepticon, and runs up to him.

Bernie Boswell: Chappy! It’s great to see you again, buddy!

Gabe Chapman: It’s great to be human again. I hated being an appliance. Oh, and I’m sorry for trying to freeze you to death that one time.

Bernie Boswell: It’s okay. Every friendship has their rocky moments. Now listen. I’ll just rip this band-aid off immediately. You’re not going to live for a couple hundred years like I had promised. Turns out, I’m the only one the formula works for. Boswellity was fake.

Gabe Chapman: So, I’ve got your blood mixed with mine for no reason?

Bernie Boswell: I wouldn’t say no reason. Now we’re blood brothers!

Masked Bagger turns around and faces the store… the store he’s saved from the clutches of evil. He goes inside. Soon a crowd of reporters, including Tony Walmer of the Kroger Gazette, come to 717. As our hero walks around his workplace of the last four years, the reporter approaches him.

Tony Walmer: Masked Bagger! Question!

Masked Bagger: What is it, Tony?

Tony Walmer: So, you’re really Adam Hauck?

Masked Bagger: How’d you hear about that? My secret was only revealed a little bit ago.

Tony Walmer: Facebook, Twitter, and other social media sites have all posted it. Even the thought-to-be-dead Myspace announced it. Your secret is no more.

Masked Bagger: I guess my job here is done, so I don’t need it to be a secret anymore. I am really Adam Hauck.

Tony Walmer: I have another question, if you don’t mind.

Masked Bagger: Go ahead.

Tony Walmer: Who is Adam Hauck? That name really means nothing to anybody. The Masked Bagger may as well be Joe Schmo.

Masked Bagger: (angry) Interview over.

CUT TO: Cassie Beaumont, former Kroger employee, is sitting in her home, watching the news about the true identity of the Masked Bagger.

Cassie Beaumont: I can’t believe Masked Bagger is really Adam Hauck. And to think I actually had sex with him.

She then rubs her baby bump. Cassie never told him, but she is pregnant with the son of Masked Bagger.

CUT TO: A few hours later, things have settled down and Adam enters the manager’s office, carrying a duffle bag, which among other souvenirs, includes the framed picture of Katie, Mickey, Professor Tincher, M.B. and himself. He has an important announcement to make. Mindy Dalton, Chris Ward, Bernie Boswell, Katie Collins, Ben Davis, Hailie Morgan, Mr. Bartlett and Adam III, formerly Masked Beggar (who lost the beard and mask but is still wearing the black and gray jacket) are all sitting around the office celebrating.

Adam Hauck: Everyone, since the Kroger Devil is dead, I’ve decided to leave 717 and this Earth level. It’s been the best four years of my life… four years, like high school. I guess that makes this graduation day.

Katie Collins: So, you were the Masked Bagger all along, huh?

Adam Hauck: Yep. Professor Tincher made me keep it a secret.

Katie Collins: And you weren’t actually a coward like we all thought?

Adam Hauck: I wouldn’t say that. I *was* a coward, but I fought that everyday when I battled those birds and super villains.

Katie Collins: Wait a minute. What about a few years ago on Masked Bagger Day? The both of you were here at the same time.

Adam Hauck: That was a clone created just for that event.

Katie Collins: Well Imma miss you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: “Adam”? Come on… for old time’s sake?

Katie Collins: Oh, fine… Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) There it is.

They hug. Adam finally gets a proper hug from Katie Collins. When it’s over, Ben Davis walks up to Adam.

Ben Davis: I know you and I weren’t really friends, but my biggest complaint about you is that you were never around when I needed your help bagging. I thought you were just lazy and avoiding the front end. Now that I know you were off fighting crime as the store’s superhero, I see you in a whole new light. It was an honor to work with you.

Adam Hauck: Thanks, Ben. Oh, and I have a surprise for you. Hollywood called a little bit ago, wanting my story to be a movie. I agreed to give them the rights as long as a certain Ben Davis could write the screenplay. They okayed it.

Ben Davis: Seriously? That’s great! Thanks, man!

Adam Hauck: No problem. You’ll find all of my stories inside my diary, er, I mean my manly journal in the basement lab. Make it a good film.

Ben Davis: I will.

Adam turns to Bernie.

Adam Hauck: Bernie, you are the weirdest guy I know. Thank you for that. You made me look less weird by comparison.

Bernie Boswell: That’s what I’m here for.

Adam Hauck: I will never forget you… no matter how hard I try.

Adam smiles as does Bernie. They hug.

Bernie Boswell: (choking back tears) Goodbye, break buddy.

Chris Ward walks up to Adam.

Chris Ward: Thanks for blowing up the Kroger Devil. I just wish I had been there to see it.

Adam Hauck: It was pretty awesome.

Chris Ward: Man, I can’t believe you won’t be here anymore. We’ve been through so much together. I’m gonna miss you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: I’m gonna miss you, too. You were the younger brother I never had and proved to be a great sidekick. There shouldn’t be anything else to worry about, but just in case some form of evil makes its way to 717, I trust that you can take care of the situation all by yourself. I’m leaving the store’s safety to you.

Chris Ward: I’ll do you proud, brother.

The two former superheroes hug. Once they finish, Adam looks at Hailie.

Adam Hauck: My ex-wife.

Hailie Morgan: My ex-hubby. So, you don’t be from Canada, huh?

Adam Hauck: Nope. I’m from Earth level one. But I couldn’t tell you that without revealing my secret. Thank you for marrying me when I needed to stay in this world. You know, after you moved out, for the next three weeks, I cried myself to sleep. I missed you as my roomie.

Hailie Morgan: (emotional) Damn. The tears be coming out my eyes!

They hug. When they’re done, Mindy and Adam III, holding hands, walk up to Adam.

Miss Dalton: I came to this store in search of my Adam. Thank you for bringing him back to me.

Adam Hauck: You’re welcome. And thank *you* for all of your help along the way. I’m glad you came back, Mindy, and you make a great boss.

Miss Dalton: Thank you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: And to you, Adam III… I’m still Adam One, you know. You did good, just like you said you would. Thanks for helping me out towards the end of my run here with some of those inventions, and congratulations on being me and proving that I can be so much more if I actually try.

Adam III: Thank you, Adam… or as I like to think of you, “Simple Me.” You freed me from what the evil Kroger Devil had done to me. I can live a happy life now. It’s much appreciated.

The couple walk away as Mr. Bartlett walks up to the former 717 Guardian.

Mr. Bartlett: I’ve enjoyed my time here with you, Adam. I know at first you didn’t appreciate me, but I’m pretty sure by now you realize that things couldn’t function without me. And for that reason, I’ve won you over.

Adam Hauck: Sure, why not?

Suddenly, Doctor Whetstone walks into the office.

Doctor Whetstone: There you are, Mr. Bartlett. I quit.

Mr. Bartlett: What? Why?

Doctor Whetstone: I’m not able to make a living from psychiatry here anymore. I’m just not getting any patients.

Mr. Bartlett: What are you talking about? There’s a whole crop of former super villains out there that will need your therapy to help them adjust to everything that’s happened. You’re gonna be busier than ever.

Doctor Whetstone: (happily) Alright!

He joyfully walks out of the office.

Mr. Bartlett: I love providing light at the end of the tunnel for sad people. And Mindy feels I shouldn’t get involved.

Adam Hauck: Goodbye, Mr. Bartlett.

Mr. Bartlett: Goodbye, Adam. Take care.

Adam takes one last look at his co-workers. They’re all looking back at him with smiles on their faces.

Adam Hauck: I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life now, but I’ll carry the experiences I’ve had as the Masked Bagger with me wherever I go, and I’ll remember all of you fondly.

Adam turns around and then leaves the office. Maitland Collins is standing by just outside the office door to say farewell.

Adam Hauck: Maitland? Hi.

Maitland Collins: I think you’re confused. The correct word in this case would be “bye.”

She smiles.

Adam Hauck: What are you doing here? I thought you went back to 2036 to continue kicking Scrominian ass.

Maitland Collins: I did. Teeko’s gone, but there’s always another crazed dictator waiting in the wings. But, of course, I had to come back to see you off.

Adam Hauck: Well, thank you. That means a lot. It’s good to see you again and know that you made it back safely. But listen, before I go, I just have to ask. Since you’re from the future, you may know. What happens to everybody?

Maitland Collins: Let’s see. Well, you know that Ben has that movie deal. The film is a success, even though he screwed with the timeline and had him in the story from the beginning. He does pretty well for himself in Hollywood, though. Hailie is currently the mom of six kids, with six different baby daddies, which was difficult for her until she was given her own reality show on TLC. Oh, and yes, they all talk like her. Chris Ward marries his high school sweetheart next year, and they divorce three years later, after they both discovered the other one was cheating with the same girl. Mr. Bartlett retired from corporate a couple of years ago and, realizing how empty his life is without Kroger, came back to 717 as a bagger. Bernie fights alongside me in the future… still looking like a twenty-one year-old. He’s become my best friend. I just wish he would stop talking to his ghost wife. That’s creepy. And as for my mom, she never became a kindergarten teacher like she dreamed of, but she worked her ass off, and in a few years, after Mindy and her Adam return to their home world, mom becomes store manager of 717. She married a guy with the last name of Collins - no relation - but she still wanted to keep her own last name. So, she now goes by Katie Collins-Collins and has a couple more kids. She’s very happy.

Adam Hauck: That’s wonderful. And me?

Maitland Collins: And you? You live happily ever after.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) I do?

Maitland Collins: I have no idea. I only know the future for this Earth level. But why not? After all you’ve done for this store, you deserve to live happily ever after.

Adam Hauck: Thanks.

They hug.

Adam Hauck: Well, I’m on my way to being the person formerly known as Masked Bagger. So long, Maitland. Thanks for coming back just to say goodbye.

Maitland Collins: You’re welcome. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry my mom didn’t love you back. Although I’m not *too* sorry, or otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

They laugh before Adam turns around and walks away. As he’s walking through the store, he’s filled with great memories, and is thankful that Professor Tincher invited him to come to this store in the first place. He walks outside and then turns around for one last look.

Adam Hauck: Goodbye, 717... And goodbye, Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck walks off into the sunset, no longer the 717 Guardian. The gang in the manager’s office look out of the window and watch as he presses a button and transports back to Earth level one for good. And now I must thank you for taking the time out of your busy life to read of the adventures of Masked Bagger. You may now return to said busy life.

THE END