JT
05-04-2002, 12:06 AM
I was reading a post at another message board.I burst out laughing till I started crying.Here it is:1. Only in America. . . . can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.
2. Only in America. . . . . . are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America. . . . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the
way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America. . . . . . do people order double cheese burgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America. . . . . . do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America. . . . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America. . . . . . do we use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America. . . . . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America. . . . . . do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'
and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America. . . . . . do they have drive-up
ATM machines with Braille lettering.
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like
regular soap. " [And that would be how. . . ?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving
suggestions: Defrost." [Hello!]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be
hot after heating". [As sure as night follows day . . .]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron
clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive
a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". [Hello!]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for
he other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [Hello!]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. " [Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame
the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals". [Was there a chance of this
happening somewhere? . . . . . Good grief!
than an ambulance.
2. Only in America. . . . . . are there handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America. . . . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the
way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America. . . . . . do people order double cheese burgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America. . . . . . do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America. . . . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America. . . . . . do we use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America. . . . . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America. . . . . . do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'
and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America. . . . . . do they have drive-up
ATM machines with Braille lettering.
In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like
regular soap. " [And that would be how. . . ?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving
suggestions: Defrost." [Hello!]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of
box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be
hot after heating". [As sure as night follows day . . .]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron
clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive
a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off
those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". [Hello!]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or
outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for
he other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [Hello!]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. " [Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this
garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame
the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals". [Was there a chance of this
happening somewhere? . . . . . Good grief!