Frank Gannucci
03-14-2017, 08:45 AM
A Honeymooners St. Patty’s Day:
(Ralph comes home. Alice is in the kitchen.)
Ralph: “Hey Alice! We are going to be richer.”
Alice: “What scheme did you think of this time? What brainfart did you think up this time?”
Ralph: “Alice, this is no brainfart. Joe the Bartender’s bar is having a contest on St. Patrick’s Day. The first person to throw the dart at the bullseye wins $500. Now, you know that I have perfect hand eye coordination and I will win.”
Alice: “You do? How about the times when you bowled last night? All your balls were gutter balls. That has to go in the Guiness Book of World Records.”
Ralph: “Ooooh, you will never let that go, will you?”
(Ed comes down. Crowd applauds.)
Ed: “Whaddaya say there Kramdens?”
Ralph: “Norton, guess what? I am in a contest down at Joe The Bartender’s bar on St. Patty’s Day.”
Ed: “I’m in that contest too. It’s a bullseye contest.”
(A pause.)
Ralph: “Yooooooooou sneak.”
Ed: “Whaddaya mean?”
Ralph: “You stole my idea.”
Ed: “You could I do it? I didn’t know about this idea until now.”
Ralph: “Norton, I WILL win.”
Ed: “No, I will.”
Alice: “Oh, will you two stop acting like little babies?”
Ralph: “I’m not a baby. HE IS.”
Ed (sarcastically): “I’m A BABY?”
Ralph: “Yes, you are.”
Ed: “Well, on that note, I will see you on St. Patty’s Day Ralph. Hope you won’t eat all the cornbeef and cabbage.”
Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”
(Ed leaves.)
(At Joe The Bartender’s bar on St. Patty’s Day, Ralph & Ed are in line to play the bullseye game. They are in front. Due to special effects, Jackie appears as BOTH Joe and Ralph.)
Joe: “It’s time Mr. Dennehy for us to meet our next contestant, Mr. Ralph Kramden. Here is the dart.”
Ralph: “Thank you.”
(Ralph drops it. Ed picks it up and hands it to Ralph.)
Ralph: “Thank you Norton.” (feeling the pin, yells): “OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!” (normally): “This is sharp.”
Ed: “Ralph, a dart is not chicken noodles. I bet you would like to eat them now.”
Ralph (yells): “OOOOOOOH, YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT NORTON! NOW WATCH THE MASTER AT WORK.”
(Ralph throws and it misses the bullseye board. People laugh.)
Joe: “Mr. Kramden, I never had a contestant do that in all my year here. Time for Mr. Norton.”
(Ed warms up and throws. He hits the bullseye.)
Joe: “The winner is Mr. Ed Norton.”
Ed (starting to cry): “Thank you. Now, I can afford all the DVDs of Spongebob Squarepants.”
(Ralph & Ed get into a fight that is separated by the wives.)
(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: "Thank you. In all my years of show business, I never had to use special effects. Mmmmmm boy, are they a dan-dan-dandy. Once again, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT.”
(Crowd cheers.)
(Ralph comes home. Alice is in the kitchen.)
Ralph: “Hey Alice! We are going to be richer.”
Alice: “What scheme did you think of this time? What brainfart did you think up this time?”
Ralph: “Alice, this is no brainfart. Joe the Bartender’s bar is having a contest on St. Patrick’s Day. The first person to throw the dart at the bullseye wins $500. Now, you know that I have perfect hand eye coordination and I will win.”
Alice: “You do? How about the times when you bowled last night? All your balls were gutter balls. That has to go in the Guiness Book of World Records.”
Ralph: “Ooooh, you will never let that go, will you?”
(Ed comes down. Crowd applauds.)
Ed: “Whaddaya say there Kramdens?”
Ralph: “Norton, guess what? I am in a contest down at Joe The Bartender’s bar on St. Patty’s Day.”
Ed: “I’m in that contest too. It’s a bullseye contest.”
(A pause.)
Ralph: “Yooooooooou sneak.”
Ed: “Whaddaya mean?”
Ralph: “You stole my idea.”
Ed: “You could I do it? I didn’t know about this idea until now.”
Ralph: “Norton, I WILL win.”
Ed: “No, I will.”
Alice: “Oh, will you two stop acting like little babies?”
Ralph: “I’m not a baby. HE IS.”
Ed (sarcastically): “I’m A BABY?”
Ralph: “Yes, you are.”
Ed: “Well, on that note, I will see you on St. Patty’s Day Ralph. Hope you won’t eat all the cornbeef and cabbage.”
Ralph (yells): “GET OUT! GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!”
(Ed leaves.)
(At Joe The Bartender’s bar on St. Patty’s Day, Ralph & Ed are in line to play the bullseye game. They are in front. Due to special effects, Jackie appears as BOTH Joe and Ralph.)
Joe: “It’s time Mr. Dennehy for us to meet our next contestant, Mr. Ralph Kramden. Here is the dart.”
Ralph: “Thank you.”
(Ralph drops it. Ed picks it up and hands it to Ralph.)
Ralph: “Thank you Norton.” (feeling the pin, yells): “OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!” (normally): “This is sharp.”
Ed: “Ralph, a dart is not chicken noodles. I bet you would like to eat them now.”
Ralph (yells): “OOOOOOOH, YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT NORTON! NOW WATCH THE MASTER AT WORK.”
(Ralph throws and it misses the bullseye board. People laugh.)
Joe: “Mr. Kramden, I never had a contestant do that in all my year here. Time for Mr. Norton.”
(Ed warms up and throws. He hits the bullseye.)
Joe: “The winner is Mr. Ed Norton.”
Ed (starting to cry): “Thank you. Now, I can afford all the DVDs of Spongebob Squarepants.”
(Ralph & Ed get into a fight that is separated by the wives.)
(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: "Thank you. In all my years of show business, I never had to use special effects. Mmmmmm boy, are they a dan-dan-dandy. Once again, the Miami Beach crowds are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT.”
(Crowd cheers.)