Orson: There's an insignificant planet on the far side of the galaxy. From the fragmented reports we have on it, the people are, well uh…
Mork: Real nimnulls?
Orson: Exactly. That's why I think you'll fit in there, Mork.
Mork: You're too kind, sir.

Mindy: Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?
Mork: Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.

Exidor: "What's the one thing the world needs more of?"
Mork: "Nixon impersonators."

(In a singles bar)
Mork: (on table phone)"Hello...Well I don't think I have one of those, maybe my friend does....Well, if that was true, I'd have to be eight feet tall."

William Shatner: "Beam me up, Orson."

Mork: "Wait a minute! You've gotta tell me if they kill off Spock or not."

Mork: "Min...It's alright for me to sit on my face, but I don't think you can."
Context please?!

Customer: [Mork has taken a job working in a health food shop] "My doctor says I need to get more iron in my diet, now what do you suggest?"

Mork: "Eat your car keys."

Mork: "Time to play 'What's My Bag?"!"

Mork: "It's Zen-O-Matic, the exciting new kitchen tool that does absolutely nothing. That's right; it can't dice, it can't peel, it can't chop. It won't even make juliennne fries, whatever those are.

"THat's right; Zen-O-Matic does diddly for YOU."

Mork: "Oh he's in Muscatel heaven."

Exidor: "Mork! This may come as a bit of a surprise, but...I am just a little...eccentric."
Mork: (sarcastically)"Nooo!"

Mork: If Holly liked him so much, how come she punched him and told him he was weird.

Mindy McConnell: Boys and girls often punch or push or hit each other as a sign of affection.

Mork: Punching and pushing and calling someone names means you like them?

Mindy McConnell: Yeah, it can.

Mork: Then the cowboys and Indians are lovers?

Susan: "...Ellsworth teaches you to love yourself."
Mr. Bickley: "I'll bet you got an A."
Susan: "A plus."

Susan: (enters)"Well what a group. Hear no evil, see no evil, and - feel no pain. What's wrong with you people?"
Mr. Bickley: "I've lost my talent."
Mindy: "Mork is leaving."
Mork: "The rabbit died."

Mork: "But it's a reality."
Ellsworth: "Reality is nothing more than a concept."
Mork: "Oh. But it's truth!"

Mindy: "I think that's terrible!"
Ellsworth: "Terrible is just a concept."

Mork: "...I'm sorry I was such a pillar of strength."

Captain Nirvana: (to Mork)"...the Americans. Who is their leader?"
Mork: "Well, they've been trying to figure out that one for years."

Mork: If Holly liked him so much, how come she punched him and told him he was weird.
Mindy McConnell: Boys and girls often punch or push or hit each other as a sign of affection.
Mork: Punching and pushing and calling someone names means you like them?
Mindy McConnell: Yeah, it can.
Mork: Then the cowboys and Indians are lovers

Mork: "Well, hair today, gone tomorrow."

Mork: "Well, excuuuuse me!!!"

Mork: (to Mindy)"Don't you understand that a star is just a big ball of glowing hot gas? He's just an ordinary human being that's been hyped by an advertising campaign."

Mindy McConnell: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Exidor: Listen, Perky, are you insinuating I'm some kind of crack-pot? Well, that's what they said about David Rockefeller. Well, that's what they said about David Rockefeller.

Eugene: "It's written all over your face."
Mork: "Shazbot, I've broken out in words!"

Mork: (to Exidor)"I've been to all the planets in your solar system."
Exidor: "Mars? Mercury? Pluto?"
Mork: "Oh, don't ever go there, it's a Mickey Mouse planet."

Mearth: [seeing that the apartment has been filled with expensive toys] Mammy, the tooth fairy *has* been keeping up with inflation.
Mindy McConnell: [sarcastic] Gee, I wonder who could be behind all this.
Mork: [Mork jumps out of a huge box in the middle of the room] Surprise!
Mindy McConnell: No, not really.

Mork: "Money seems to have a rubberlike quality because you can bounce a check or stretch a dollar."

Mork: "One man's ceiling is another man's floor."

Mork: Pregnant? Me? I mean, why me? I mean, this kinda stuff doesn't happen to Barney Miller!

Mork: "...that's why all the UFOs come here. They come here to shop."

Mork: "I want my free will."

Holly: [Mork places his hand on Holly's forehead] Why are you doing that?

Mork: Well, Eugene said you were hot stuff, you're actually only 98.4.

Orson: "Isn't fame its own reward?"

Exidor: Mork, is that you?

Mindy: "Mork, it can be against the law to go in somebody's apartment when they're not home, even if the door's not locked."
Mork: "Oh can you honestly say that since Watergate? Come on."

Mindy McConnell: [Mork has proposed, and after chatting with Fred and Cora, she decides to not marry Mork] I guess what I'm really trying to say is... I can't marry you

Mork: Mind', That's a joke right, like the volunteer army? Ha ha ha... R R R!... R R Rrrr.

Policeman: "Found him going back and forth on the highway."

Mindy: "Mork, why were you crossing the road?"

Mork: "I think I was evolving a joke. Kept having an urge to get to the other side."

Mork: [talking to himself] Boy, am I in for it now. Sent before the white desk again. What did I do? The solar lander, you fool, you painted a mustache on it. But Orson doesn't know I did it. Then why am I here? If I knew that I wouldn't be talking to myself.

Fred: "It's always Mork.."

Mindy: "But that's the problem. He's too normal!"

Mork: "'Maury and Mindy.' Sounds like something you'd see on the TV, doesn't it?"

Mork: "...and tonight, Bo Derek is going to try to count to 10."

Mindy: "Oh, this is very strange."
Mork: "Well, you should've seen the old way."

Mindy McConnell: I don't believe it, they threw you in jail for a parking ticket.

Mr. Bickley: "I used to be able to get tears out of a coat rack."

Mork: Look, if I wanted a pen and coffee I'd have mugged a waitress. You know what, I don't need any more pens. Look at this.

Robot: "I want to live. I want to dance! I want to shake my booty!"

Mindy McConnell:
I can't believe you called all my friends!

Mork:
I can't believe what they called you!

Mork: "Min, it's all right for me to sit on my face, but I don't think you can."

Mork: "No, I can't hide I there; I've been out of the closet for a year now."

Mork: "Min, you know hiding's a drag."

(Captain Nirvana forcefully enters Mindy's apartment.)
Mork: "Einstein was right, Min. Space is curved."

Mindy: (to Captain Nirvana) "I'll silence you, you bimbo."

Mork: "... and raises herbs on Maui."

Remo: "I don't believe it... God's been reading my mind."

Mindy McConnell: Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?

Mork: Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.

Mork: "I killed it... I committed stereocide... I'm gonna go to Dolby Hell for this."

Mork: "... my rear end fell off. But they fixed it; no ifs, ands, or butts."

Nelson: "The dark side of Mindy Poppins."

Nelson: "Glenda, you're so... esoteric."

Mindy: (to Mork) "You can't take books out of the library without a card."

Mindy: "If I wasn't a lady, I'd drop him."

Mr. Bickley: "I'll wait for the video disc."

Mork: "I'm AC/DC."

[last lines]

Orson:
What about your friend?

Mork:
Eh, she spent a lot of time feeling lonely, but then she realized her best chance of going out was to be more outgoing.

Orson:
That reminds me of an old Orkan saying...

Mork:
Me, too, sir. "If one stays too long in his shell, he'll wind up nuts." On that same note, sir, nanu.

Mork: "Min... I looked through every nook and cranny, but I couldn't find Granny."

Mork: [talking to himself] Boy, am I in for it now. Sent before the white desk again. What did I do? The solar lander, you fool, you painted a mustache on it. But Orson doesn't know I did it. Then why am I here? If I knew that I wouldn't be talking to myself.
Orson: Mork
Mork: Good morning, Orson
Orson: Orson. You call me Orson to my face, but behind my back you call me fatso, rocket ship thighs, and star-tush.
Mork: You forgot, "laser breath". Ar-ar [looks down] Sorry your immenseness.
Orson: See what I mean? These constant displays of humor are not acceptable behavior here on Ork.
Mork: You're right, we are rather a dull lot. The white bread of the universe.

Mork: (to Peter) "Oh, I love playing jacks, especially Jack Nicholson: (imitating J.N.) "We took a vote, and I want to see the damn World Series."

Mork: "They bought it for Nixon's secretary."

Mork: [holding a plate near a sink filled with suds] Welcome, friends, to the temple of suds. If you're ready now, throw down your forks and have your soul cleansed in the Joy to come. I've got some good news and some bad news. First the bad news, that sucker's hot! [throws in the plate and picks up a hand cranked beater and mixes the sudsy water] But now the good news, tonight we'll be having a jacuzzi.

Mork: "Does my hair look good from the back?"

Mork: "...unless you're a psychiatrist with a big mouth."

(Last line of the series.)
Mork: "I can't wait to take you home and show you my uniform. Come on!"

Mork: "I mean, two million scorpions can't be wrong."

Mindy: "Well, I guess it saves on soap."

Jean: "Mama has to get her hug quotient in for the day."

Rosa DaVinci: "Nice suit he's wearing. He'll be the best-dressed guy in Hell."

Orson: "They need to believe in something they cannot see."

Mindy McConnell:
Are you alright?

Mork:
Sure, I just love to play 'Squash the alien'.

Mindy McConnell:
Oh, could you breathe down there?

Mork:
Only out.

Mindy McConnell:
Oh, well I'm sorry all those people fell on you, Mork.

Mork:
Oh that's a great game, let's play another game like 'musical spikes' or 'hide and go kill'?

Mindy McConnell:
Why don't you just come out and say you don't want to play the silly game?

Mork:
I didn't want to be rude.

Mindy: "GET DOWN!!!"
Mearth: "Get funky."

Mindy: Your suit's on backwards.
Mork: It is? Boy do I feel like a clone.
Mindy: You're not a priest are you?
Mork: I am Mork from Ork. Nanu nanu.
Mindy: Ork?
Mork: Yes. You see Ork is a planet. You follow the Big Dipper til it comes to a dead end then you hang an up.

Mindy: "Mork, you've been acting awfully strange lately. I mean, more strange than usual."
Mork: "Ah, you've noticed."
Mindy: "Noticed? How can I help it? Like yesterday, you spent all day walking and talking backwards."
Mork: "Well, that's all behind me now."

Customer:
[Mork has taken a job working in a health food shop] My doctor says I need to get more iron in my diet, now what do you suggest?

Mork:
Eat your car keys.

Mork: "I was jogging in another time dimension."

Mindy: "Talk about your sudden death..."

Fred: "The cloud around my silver lining."

Cathy: "Mork, you shouldn't have jumped out until I stopped the car."

Mork: "He's on the Weight Watchers _______ list!"

Mork: "Oh. Furniture fixation."

Mindy McConnell:
Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?

Mork:
Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.

Mindy:

Mork:

Mork & Mindy


Mork:

(First line of the series.)
Mork: "Boy, am I in for it now... What did I do now?"

Mindy's first line: "Stop it! Don't you EVER do that again."

Fred: "A toast, a toast, a toast to the old days, when values are values and morals were morals. I remember when sharing a pad meant - borrowing a notebook."

Mindy: "True, he is different from most, but this great country was built on the right of individuals to be individuals! We have the God-given right to be eccentric,..."

Mindy: "'morning, Mr. Bickley."

Mr. Bickley: "I owe my life to Joe Dimaggio!"

Mindy: "How many years can a normal person put up with that kind of stuff?"

Glenda: "You see, I was brought up to laugh behind people's backs."

T.N.T.: "See you later, ladygators."

Glenda: (to Mindy)"You are so lucky to have Mork."
Mindy: "I am?"
Glenda: "Give him another chance.... Either way, it's a lot better than a hole in your life."

Cora: (to Mork)"... there's no way on Earth you can do that."
Mork: "You're beginning to get the idea."

Mork: (to Cora)"I'm an alien being."

Cora: "Oh, Mork, I've been around a long time.... Well, if we can go there, there's no reason you can't come here!"

Mork: Wait wait wait Min Min, I draw the line right there. I will not cook clean or do windows, I am man watch me sit. *sits*

Remo: "That should set science back about two hundred years."

Robot: "That's too rich for my hydraulic system."

Mindy: (to Mork)"You ever heard of the story of Frankenstein?"
Mork: "Well, it's an incredible love story."
Mindy: "Mork, besides being a love story, what it was about is tamper with a monster, then some --"
Mork: "Chuck's no monster."

Mork: "...that's the poetry of Billy Carter."

Mindy: "...I thought I'd never be feeling sorry for a monster."

Mork: "Good. Then we have nothing to fear but sanity itself."
Mindy: "Then you've got nothin' to worry about."

Jeanie: "Only when the waitress has a brother with all the class of a Gong Show reject."

Mr. Bickley: "Oh, yeah. Great. I love floor shows."

Mindy McConnell:
I'm worried I just don't know what it would be like to have a child.

Mork:
And I'm sad, because I don't know what it'd be like to have a mother.

Mindy McConnell:
Well at least I've got a way of finding out.

Mork:
I've got a way we can both find out. I'll set my age machine for 3 years old, for 10 minutes, that way I'll be a baby, and you'll be my [age machine kicks in, high pitched voice] MAMA! Mommy hold me!

Mork: "What it was."

Mork: (to Orson)"Well, sir, there's a difference between a strip tease and a strip threat."

Mork: "Nice way to build up an appetite. I'm so hungry I could eat a _______."

Mork: "Oh. Phone. Primitive means of audio communication."

Cora: "He's such a wiener."

[alarm for Mork's wristwatch which he wears round his ankle goes off]
Mindy McConnell: Ah, your foot's ringing. I'll get it.
[bends down and pushes button on watch, pulls out small piece of paper under watch strap]
Mindy McConnell: What's this piece of paper?
Mork: Must be a footnote.

Mr. Bickley: "Mom's coffee was awful, too."
Mindy: "Ah, thanks a lot."

Mr. Bickley: "Ah, yes. Zutin McConnell."

Mindy: "Mork, there is an energy crisis,... but a lot of people believe the oil companies are just using scare tactics to raise prices."

Mork: "We Morkans are all membrane."

Alt. Mork: "So this is comedy purgatory."

Mindy: Would you like something to drink?
Mork: Water, or otherwise a quart of crude oil will suffice.
Mindy: I guess I can spring for the water.
Mork: Spring water. Ar-ar!