Post your favorite quotes & lines from Mama's Family.

A Thelma & Eunice quote:

A Thelma quote:

Thelma: What does the IRS want with me?
Vinton: Maybe they're going to deliver a package.
Thelma: That's UPS you dipstick!


Mama: I'm sorry Frannie, but your perfect day has gone to hell in a handbasket. I sure hope you haven't done the same.


Job Counselor: Do you know how to answer a phone?
Mama: No, usually when it rings I just run around in little circles yelling "Whaty'll I do, Whaty'll I do!"


Eunice shows up before the wedding with a plate of chili dogs.
Mama: Chili dogs ... at a wedding?
Eunice: Mama, don't you ever read? Chili dogs are all the rage in Hollywood. Merv Griffin threw a party and Pia Zadora put away six of these suckers.

^ Those are good ones! ^

A Thelma quote:

A Eunice line/quote:

Another Eunice quote:

A Naomi & Thelma quote:

A Eunice quote:

Naomi: What are you talking about Bubba? I haven't been anywhere.

A Thelma quote:

Thelma & Naomi quotes/lines:

Naomi: "I don't know what is the matter with me."
Thelma: "You want a list?"

Thelma: "Well, I'll bet the neighbors are gonna love listenin' to this for the next nine months."

^ Good one! ^

A Thelma quote:

Too many to cite right now, but, other than "Good lord," my favorite is when she goes, "Well, what the..." Can't get enough of that. :D

A Thelma quote:

Iola & Thelma quotes/lines:

A Thelma quote:

I'm a cashier and we've been having a lot of issues with the registers and pinpads lately. Sometimes, under my breath in my Thelma Harper voice (complete with the drawl) "What the hell's wrong with this thing?" or "Well, what the...".

One of my all-time favorite quotes came from Naomi when she told Vinton "Magic moments between a man and woman are spiritual and ought not to be screwed with." Her delivery and facial expressions were everything. If you watch the unedited NBC version from the DVD set, both Ken and Dorothy almost start laughing she says it. Ken even has to wait for the audience laughter to died down a bit before he can deliver Vinton's line.

I want to try to work the "ought not to be screwed with" part into my regular conversations. LOL

Thelma: (to Iola) "Hell, you'd have trouble breedin' crabgrass!"

Thelma: "How do I look?"
Naomi: "Like an idiot."
Thelma: "Good. I'll fight right in."

Naomi: "...I've been told I have natural talent."
Thelma: "You shouldn't believe everything you hear in the back seat of a Chevy."

Thelma: (to Leonard)"Where'd you get that jacket? Was Sittin' Bull havin' a garage sale?"

A Thelma quote:

Thelma: "The dinner table's no place for anger."

Bubba: "Only losers go to night school."

Vint: "About time comedy came to Raytown."
Thelma: "Comedy came to Raytown the day you were born."

Thelma: "Well, thank you, Bubba Spielberg."

Naomi: "Even when I was a child I knew who was hot."

Thelma: "What the hell kind of smut is that!?!"

Naomi: "Bubba you have ruined my reputation."
Thelma: "Aw, what reputation, you tramp?"

Aunt Fran(To Mama, upon finding out that Naomi might be pregnant): "Why didn't you put your foot down?"
Mama: "On what?!"

Sonja: "They were out of hot dogs so I got peanut butter instead."
Mama: "Well then, why did you get hot dog buns?"
Sonja: "They were on the list!"

Mama: "The next person who wishes me Merry Christmas is gonna get decked along with the halls!"

(Talking about Thelma's garden)

Naomi: "I'm not about to spend my afternoon getting all hot and sweaty over some slimy slug."

Thelma: "Why not? That's the way you spend your nights!"

A Vinton & Thelma quote:

[Vint bought a fishing rod instead of a bed that Naomi wanted]

Naomi Oates Harper: Vinton Harper, I am not asking you, I am telling you. Now, take that silly thing back and bring me my bed.

Vinton Harper: You got no right to tell me what to do, that's Mama's job!

Bubba: "I bet ZZ Top never does the dishes."

Bubba: "Are we supposed to eat it, or slam dunk it?"

Vint: (to Naomi)"Do we have to? I'm always the first to go bankrupt."

Mama: "You just stand aside, Iola, and watch this grey panther roar."

Thelma: "...she'd sell us out for a can of tuna!"
Naomi: "Sorry, Charlie."

Eunice Higgins: Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me? All I do is cook and clean!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, hell, you can't even do that!
Eunice Higgins: You're skatin' on thin ice old lady!

Thelma: (to Fran)"I Hope you two old bags live happily ever after."

Thelma: (to Ellen)"My own daughter, traipsin' off with the young and the restless."

Thelma: "...a man who would put Gary Cooper to shame!"

Thelma: "Good Lord! How'd I ever raise a pack of sex maniacs?! Sure didn't get it from their daddy."

"Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I tell ya, a guy selling brains could clean up in this family."

"Thelma 'Mama' Harper: For 50 years I have been in charge of Christmas. I've jingled your bells and I've roasted your chestnuts. This Christmas you goons can just rum-pa-pum-pum without me.


"Vinton Harper: Getting the right message isn't easy, it could take all night.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: The hell you say.
[presses record button]
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: It's your dime, spill it!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: My dogs are barkin'.

A Thelma Harper quote:

A Thelma quote:

A Naomi & Vint quote:

Thelma: (to Naomi)"If I were you, missy, I would start collectin' cats.'

Thelma: "What the hell kind of smut show is this?!"

Ramon: "I'm charmed."
Thelma: "You won't be for long."

Iola: "I feel just like Connie Selleca."
Thelma: "Well, I guess that makes me James Brolin."

Vint: "Why waste a good joke?"

Vint: "Now that's coffee."

Thelma: "Hell I've had that dream for years."

Thelma: (to Vint)"When are you gonna hang the one that says 'Moron on Board'?"

Dame #1: "Welll! I never!"
Dame #2: "Never."
Dame #3: "Never!"
Thelma: "I can certainly see why."

Naomi & Thelma quote/lines:

Iola: "I declare, these are the tastiest things. (to Aunt Effie)"What's your secret?"
Aunt Effie: "Booze!"

Aunt Effie: "Nothin' worse than a woman who can't hold her candy."

Thelma: (to Naomi)"There is nothin' wrong with the cards; you're the one that ain't playin' with a full deck."

Thelma: "Possum pucky."

Bubba: (to Thelma)"Grounded?! What for?"
Thelma: "Bubba Higgins, if you're gonna live in this family, you're gonna have to learn to be a loser just the like the rest of us."

Ellen Jackson: Vinton, do you know what you get when you put your brain and my brain together? My brain.

Thelma quote:

[Vint pawned Mama's silver to bail his friend, Claude Cainmaker, whom Mama despises, out of jail]
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Good Lord in heaven! You robbed me for that bum!
Vinton Harper: I didn't rob anybody! And he is not a bum. He is a man of vision and integrity and belief in his fellow human beings!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, what did he need that money for?
Vinton Harper: Bail!

Iola: "I am a home economics major, Naomi, I believe I know how to lay a buffet."
Naomi: "I'll bet that's the only thing."

Iola: "Thelma, what is going on?"
Thelma: "Well, it sounds like a quickie down at the Kwik-Key!"

Naomi: "I'm gonna break your teeth, Ellen. Pass 'em over."

Eunice Higgins: If you want your talent appreciated in this world, you gotta go to Broadway!

Thelma quote:

Naomi Oates Harper: Oh, you just love to put people down, don't you, Mrs. Harper?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: It is not only a pleasure, I see it as my duty!

Thelma: (to Naomi)"Spendin' all that time in bed is what got you pregnant in the first place."

Thelma: "They said the same thing to Jimmy Cagney on his way to the hot seat."

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: The only way to keep from goin' crazy in this house is to stay half lit.

A Thelma quote:

Mama: I only drove one time in my life. In 1946. I started out with a sedan and came home with a convertible!

Iola: "Catering?! She needs a recipe to make ice."

Thelma: "Someone has to warn those folks about the salmonella smorgasbord."

Naomi: "You know, it's hard to imagine that one of those old biddies was once a loosie goosie."

Thelma: "I don't need a special occasion to tell you bozos off."

Mama: Doctor Kelly says that Effie needs to start exercising. She hasn't kept herself in shape like I have.

Vint & Naomi quote:

Thelma: What does the IRS want with me?
Vinton: Maybe they're going to deliver a package.
Thelma: That's UPS you dipstick!

A Thelma & Naomi line/quote:

Mama: Hold it, Toots, don't book your flying carpet yet. You have not been invited.

Vint: "Ya know what I do when I can't go to sleep? I make my mind a blank."

Thelma: "Over Easy. No wonder he likes that name, it probably reminds him of his wife."

Thelma: "Sort of a Whitman's Sampler for drugs."

Thelma: "Well, I guess you're stuck with me."
Vint: "I can't think of anybody else I'd rather be stuck with, Mama."

Naomi Oates Harper: Sonja, honey, did your mama ever talk to you about boys?

A Thelma quote:

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: For 50 years I have been in charge of Christmas. I've jingled your bells and I've roasted your chestnuts. This Christmas you goons can just rum-pa-pum-pum without me.

Thelma: "Did you know that every single rock has a personality all its own?"

Thelma: "Iola, you go in the kitchen; take the Beastie Boys with you."

Thelma: "Big deal, Vint. You may have the political power but I'm still speaker of the house."

"[Vint bought a fishing rod instead of a bed that Naomi wanted]
Naomi Oates Harper: Vinton Harper, I am not asking you, I am telling you. Now, take that silly thing back and bring me my bed.
Vinton Harper: You got no right to tell me what to do, that's Mama's job!
"

A Thelma quote:

Mama (to Iola): Don't talk about my figure. I've changed tires that aren't as flat as you.

Thelma: "I tell you, a guy selling brains could clean up in this family."

Bubba: "Or when you're drunk."

Bubba: "Grandma's secret ingredient is booze."

Thelma: (hungover)"My brain cells are doin' the conga."

Vinton Harper: Here, Mama. Try one of these Spam and anchovy sandwiches.

Iola Lucille Boyland: I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.

Bubba Higgins: Yeah, and it balances it out, too.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this!

Vinton quote:

Naomi Oates Harper: I love a Boy's Choir at Christmas.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: That's 'cause you've never had to sit through one.

Naomi Oates Harper: Vinton Harper, I am not asking you, I am telling you. Now, take that silly thing back and bring me my bed.

Vinton: "I guess it's just one of those religious questions that all men ponder."

Vinton Harper: Uh, What ya looking for mama?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I can't remember where i put the soup bone.
Vinton Harper: Gee, i guess you're becoming forgetful in your old age.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Maybe so, lately it's been slipping in my mind to slap you silly.

Naomi: "Ohh, I love the feel of a warm vinyl seat."

Naomi Oates Harper: Aren't you going to introduce your family?

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Not if I can help it.

Thelma:

Thelma: "What desert? This is Raytown."

Bubba: "My own job. It's a regular rite of manhood."
Thelma: "Yeah, well, I'll take sellin' burgers over that other rite of manhood anyday."

.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: [after having been robbed by a burglar named The Courteous Crook] He's been in there! He's actually been in my bathroom!
Iola Lucille Boyland: Did he take anything?
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: No, he cleaned up!
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: He even put on a new roll of toilet paper... and the right way too - from the bottom out!
Iola Lucille Boyland: I always thought it was supposed to roll over the top..

Iola Lucille Boyland: I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.

Naomi: "There is no sense in bein' haunted by the ghosts of the past."

Bubba: "Hey, Grandma, what's shakin?"
Thelma: "Every bone in my body!"

Iola: "Rebecca likes devil's food."

Naomi: "Something out of this world."

Eunice: Mama don't you ever read?

Iola: "I could make it in lace!, or leather!"

Thelma: "Go tell it to Paine Webber!"

Sneed: "Has he been here?"
Thelma: "Does a lock wear diapers?"

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: You have the right to remain silent.

Thelma: "...conceive in good health."

Naomi: "Oh, Miss Harper. I'm speechless!"
Thelma: "Good. Let's keep it this way."

Vint: "Ohh, Mama. My digital solar watch. It's even made in Korea!"

Thelma: "From now on, I'm not givin' my family anything but hell."

Venton: Those questions that they ask are tough.

Mama Harper: Howard

Eunice: "...you gave my sapphire ring to Tinkerbell here and his recycled bride."

Eunice: "Go dip your heads in Clearasil."

Aunt Fran: I tell you, there is a book in me!
Mama: And it's gonna stay in there, too!

Naomi: (to Ellen) "What's it called?"
Ellen: "'Quitters and Losers'."

Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Swell, I'll just serve these after supper if anyone has room

Thelma & Vint:

Thelma: Where in blue blazes have you been?
Eunice: (sarcastically) Just fine Mama, thank you and how are you?

Thelma: (singing)
"Make someone happy.
Make just someone happy."

Vint's catchphrase: "Thanks a lot, Mama."

Thelma: "Well, you know, they say the Big Bird look is in."

Eunice Higgins: Why doesn't anything good ever happen to me? All I do is cook and clean!

Thelma:

Thelma: "What I need is a new family."

Thelma 'Mama' Harper: I tell ya, a guy selling brains could clean up in this family.

Thelma: "Lord, I feel like I'm watchin' TV with the Stepford children."

[Vint bought a fishing rod instead of a bed that Naomi wanted]

Naomi Oates Harper:
Vinton Harper, I am not asking you, I am telling you. Now, take that silly thing back and bring me my bed.

Vinton Harper:
You got no right to tell me what to do, that's Mama's job!

Thelma: (to Kim)"What, no second name?"
Kim: "Nooo! I'm, like, from California, okaay?"

Thelma: (to Bubba)"This is Harper House, not Animal House."

[during loud arguments]

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this!

Thelma: "The only thing shrinkin' is your brain, Vinton."

Naomi Oates Harper:
Since Aunt Effie came here, I've lost time at work.

Bubba Higgins:
I've had to wear wrinkled clothes!

Iola Lucille Boylen:
I had to get a tetanus shot!

Thelma "Hot damn! Double sausage" (in reference to pizza night).

I can't remember the episode.

Thelma: "Well, what's a beautiful yard compared to a few brain cells?"

Thelma: "Late for what? A camel race with Lawrence of Arabia?"

Bubba: "That's why I always wear sneakers."

Naomi: "Miss Harper, you are parading my panties for the whole town to say."
Thelma: "That's all right, sweetie, half the town's seen them already."

Iola: "The yard was lookin' too much manicured,anyway."

Thelma: "The one time I try to be funny and the joke's on me."

Naomi: "Because of you, I now have grass stains all over my dress."
Thelma: "Well, I'm sure it's not the first time."

Naomi Oates Harper:
You can go to night school!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I cannot. I'm too old.

Vinton Harper:
Well not for night school. They take any age as long as you're dumb enough.

Thelma:

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I've had problems with all of my in-laws. Of course, I never could respect anybody who'd marry one of my kids.

Thelma:

Naomi: I'm not about to spend my afternoon getting all hot and sweaty over some slimy slug. (about Thelma's garden)
Thelma: Why not? That's the way you spend your nights!

From my favorite episode “The Really Loud Family”

Mama: What the hell kind of smut is this? (Referring to Naomi’s lines in Bubba’s movie)

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
[reading the note from Lolly's grandson] Dear Meemaw, Fort Worth is okay, I start second grade. We have ants in the sink. Say hi to Boompa. Hugs and kisses, Bobby. P.S., please write back.'

Lolly Purdue:
I'll have Boompa write a note to him in the morning.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well the hell you will, he doesn't want a note from Boompa, he wants to hear from Meemaw.

Lolly Purdue:
But I can't!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Listen, if you're smart enough to fake it for all these years, you're smart enough to read and write.

Lolly Purdue:
You really think so?

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Why sure! Where's that magazine? I had it sitting here. Ladies Circle, got Barbara Bush on the cover, here it is, don't you just love her hair?

Lolly Purdue:
Yes, I'm going to keep my natural when it goes gray.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Yeah, me too. Well anyway she's got a whole article in here where she talks about how you can teach grownups to read and write. Here it is, it's called Operation Literacy and she explains how you can set up a program in your school or your church. Why don't you just take it home and... never mind, I'll tell you all about it.

Thelma:

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Naomi I would like to have a word with you.

Naomi Oates Harper:
I'm afraid I may have left the solution on a little long.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
A little long? You've turned me into a human Q-tip!

Vinton:

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Now be careful, Naomi, it could be a wild man with a gun to kill us all!

Thelma: I made all my kids take tap... Ellen wasn’t too bad but Eunice danced like a cow on crutches!

Thelma: Now I want everyone to hear this, hey Toots, you want to hear a funny story?
Toots: (scoffs)
Thelma: well who stuck a bur under her saddle?

Mayor Tuttwiller: we have a rather long evening planned...
Thelma: uh oh! Another beer over here Joe Bob!
Mayor Tuttwiller: ...
Thelma: yo Joe Bob! Make that two!
Mayor Tuttwiller: ...
Thelma: oh for pity’s sake, just bring us a six pack!

Thelma: do you remember the Twirlettes, Toots?
Toots: (scoffs)
Thelma: close your mouth, I’m getting an echo here!

Thelma: "You're going to set my hair with beer?"
Naomi: "I'm going to set this hair on fire if you don't quiet down."

https://cdn.quotesgram.com/small/15/12/2003520115-34f0f251b2901b9e84bce06a4fbeec3b.jpg

Vint: "Mama, why don't you just ask your granddaughter to sleep out in the street?"

Ellen: "How about 'Fran, I shafted ya'?"

Sonja: "Wow, that's hot stuff, Aunt Fran."

Thelma: "I need a beer. The only way I am going to keep from going crazy around here is to stay half lit."

Thelma:

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0d/75/90/0d7590dddb80ec565bb764cb7be69020.jpg

Vint: "I wonder what bulls do with their tales."

Thelma: "Good Lord, where did you get this? Frederick's of Tijuana?"

Thelma: "They'll be makin' snowcones in Hell before I apologize to that old woman."

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Some people just can't separate their professional careers from their home life.

Naomi Oates Harper:
I don't have a home life! I have a basement life!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well, get down it in where you belong.

Vinton & Thelma:

Thelma: "Who's in there? Buck Rogers?"

Thelma: "Oh, put it in a Hallmark, Ellen."

Ellen: "Where Mama's concerned, nobody wins."

Thelma: "It's like having a chainsaw in the kitchen."

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Good Lord, woman, you must have 2 cups of buttermilk in here, where the hell's the flour?

Lolly Purdue:
Don't you dare laugh at me, I was elected president, not pastry chef.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Oh get off your high horse, Lolly, any fool can follow a recipe.

Lolly Purdue:
Not this fool!... I can't read.

Thelma: (to Bubba)"And just what is it you can do at the drive-in that you can't do at church? Don't answer."

Naomi: "I don't understand how Iola can stand that cat."

Thelma; "Good lord, just you don't know a man wrote this?"

Thelma: "Every time I open my mouth, the family disappears."

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
[reading the note from Lolly's grandson] Dear Meemaw, Fort Worth is okay, I start second grade. We have ants in the sink. Say hi to Boompa. Hugs and kisses, Bobby. P.S., please write back.'

Lolly Purdue:
I'll have Boompa write a note to him in the morning.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well the hell you will, he doesn't want a note from Boompa, he wants to hear from Meemaw.

Lolly Purdue:
But I can't!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Listen, if you're smart enough to fake it for all these years, you're smart enough to read and write.

Lolly Purdue:
You really think so?

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Why sure! Where's that magazine? I had it sitting here. Ladies Circle, got Barbara Bush on the cover, here it is, don't you just love her hair?

Lolly Purdue:
Yes, I'm going to keep my natural when it goes gray.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Yeah, me too. Well anyway she's got a whole article in here where she talks about how you can teach grownups to read and write. Here it is, it's called Operation Literacy and she explains how you can set up a program in your school or your church. Why don't you just take it home and... never mind, I'll tell you all about it.

Thelma: "I've jingled your bells and roasted your chestnuts."

Naomi: "Oh, let's go hear Bubba sing..."

Thelma: "...not unless she and Naomi have the same taste in jewelry."

Thelma: "The next person who wishes me 'Merry Christmas' is gonna get decked along with the halls."

Thelma: "As far as I'm concerned, Christmas is cancelled."

Thelma: "I thought it was cats on a fence."

Vint: "Funny how they never clean anything in an hour."

Bubba: "His sleigh is stuck in a holding patter."

Iola: "...it's Christmas Eve! Nobody's in their right mind."

Thelma: "You know somethin', this tree doesn't look so bad after all."

Thelma: Eunice, what a sweet thought. No wonder I love you best. You were my third born and you are my favorite. Third time's the charm.

Vint: "Now Mama, you don't have to go to church to go to Heaven."
Thelma: "Well, you don't have to wear a parachute to jump out out of an airplane, but it certainly helps."

Thelma: "I look like I just got body slammed by Delta Burke."

Eunice:

Iola Lucille Boyland:
I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.

Bubba Higgins:
Yeah, and it balances it out, too.

Thelma: (Knocks on the door.)
Vint: Mama?
Thelma: No, It's Mr.T FOOL!!!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
It's your dime. Spill it!

(Last line of the series.)
Thelma: "Well, little Thelma, you's better get used to people yellin', because yo are a Harper now."

The Clerk:
Do you know how to answer the phone?

Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
No. Usually when it rings at my house I run around in a little circle and yell What'll I do? What'll I do? What'll I do?

Would you knock it off you sound like a canary in heat.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I was on my way up to Effie's room and I decided to stop in at the gift shop when lo and behold, there Effie was standing in a daze with the back of her gown wide open!

Naomi Oates Harper:
You're kidding!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Swear to God, it's a good thing I was there otherwise she'd probably still be mooning those M&Ms.

Vint: (to Naomi)"You got no right to tell me what to do, that's Mama's job!"

Mr. Pitts:
Is that Harper with an H?

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Of course it's Harper with an H, if it wasn't, it'd be just Arper.

Iola: "An invitin' oasis for the weary traveler..."

Vinton Harper:
Uh, What ya looking for mama?

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
I can't remember where i put the soup bone.

Vinton Harper:
Gee, i guess you're becoming forgetful in your old age.

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
Maybe so, lately it's been slipping in my mind to slap you silly.

Vint: "Mama, the tea kettle's whistlin'."
Thelma: "(sarcastically)"Oh, really? I thought maybe the Goodyear blimp just had a slow leak."

Thelma: (to Naomi)"Have you ever noticed how some of your wifely duties can be performed standing up?"

Thelma: "Oh, my Lord, she's got amnesia."
Vint: "Worse than that, her memory's gone."
Thelma: "Bubba, give me a hand. This one's lost her mind and that one never had one to begin with."

Iola: "...I don't see any signs of the old Naomi at all!"

Iola: "THelma, this has gone on long enough; I can't even insult the woman."

Thelma: "So much for Christian fellowship."

Thelma: "Well, how do you like this? Everybody is home and I'm still alone!"

Thelma: "What's the good of havin' my family back home if I can't cuss 'em out?"

Vint & Ellen:

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
What would you like for dinner, kiddo?

Aunt Effie Harper:
Oatmeal!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
I think she's still a little confused. I'm sure she means meatloaf.

Mama to Vint: You were never good at athletics

Vint to Mama: Oh yeah.....what about my volleyball ribbon?

Mama to Vint: That was a fluke and you know it!

Vinton Harper:
Y'know, last night was the first night that Naomi and I didn't... didn't... well, you know, we didn't...

Aunt Fran Crowley:
There goes the Guinness Book of Records.

Mama: You know what they say about fish and family visitors. They both stink after 3 days

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
[after having been robbed by a burglar named The Courteous Crook] He's been in there! He's actually been in my bathroom!

Iola Lucille Boyland:
Did he take anything?

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
No, he cleaned up!

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
He even put on a new roll of toilet paper... and the right way too - from the bottom out!

Iola Lucille Boyland:
I always thought it was supposed to roll over the top...

Thelma 'Mama' Harper:
WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

Thelma: "Oh get off your high horse, Lolly, any fool can follow a recipe."
Lolly Purdue: "Not this fool!... I can't read."
Thelma: "What do you mean you can't read? Somethin' wrong with your eyes?"
Lolly: "My eyes are fine, Thelma, I never learned how."
Thelma: "Well, why not? Didn't you learn in school?"
Lolly: "I was the oldest of 12 kids in my family, and I got pulled out of school because Mom needed help with the babies, and... shoot, by the time the babies were all raised, I was married and-and had a couple of my own."
Thelma: "Yeah, when you got two little ones in diapers, there's not much time for anything else."
Lolly: "And when they got in school, I was, I was ashamed to tell them their mama couldn't read."

Lolly: "You'd be amazed at how many doors are closed when you can't read or write."

Naomi Oates Harper:
I'm a checker at food circus.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Oh my Lord.

Iola Lucille Boylen:
It's someone who works with Naomi.

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
You Birdbrain it is Naomi!

(First line of the series.)
Thelma: "Fran, would you stop pickin' at them eggs?"

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Some people just can't separate their professional careers from their home life.

Naomi Oates Harper:
I don't have a home life! I have a basement life!

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
Well, get down it in where you belong.

Thelma: "I swear! The mall is a war zone."

Iola: "...she can zero in on one like a pig sniffin' out a truffle."

Thelma: "Well, I want my tree to come from a forest. Not an assembly line in Taiwan."

Thelma: "I'll tell you what, Christmas has gone to hell in a handbasket."

Thelma: "They just want tips. Toss 'em."

Iola: "Ohh, Thelma, sounds like a Norman Rockwell paintin' come to life."

Naomi (talking to Vinton): Come on, baby! I know you can pick a winner!

Mama: Except for when it come to pickin’ wives.

Mrs. Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper:
[to Vint] There's got to be more to life than sittin' around all day watching "Days of Our Lives" and folding your Fruit of the Looms.

(As two orderlies pass by with a dead body on a gurney.)
Vint: "That wasn't Mama, was it?"
Eunice: "Too tall! Too tall!"

Eunice: "It's a scorcher out there."

Eunice: "I could use a beer."
Thelma: "At this time of day?"

Thelma: "The thing's got more spots than a windshield in Alabama."

Eunice: "He believes she's a natural blonde."

Eunice: "Boy, if that old lady gets any worse, we're gonna have to call out the whoopie squad."

Eunice: (to Naomi) "... you bought powdered sugar."
Naomi: "Was I supposed to get the liquid?!"

Naomi: "I've never dried a dry jar before."
Eunice: "I think you've stepped off one curb too many."

Ellen: "Take care, Eunice. Next time you might not be so lucky."

Thelma: "...made with X-rated sugar."

Naomi: "Catfight, catfight, let me in."

Thelma: "Next time I make jam with you bruisers, I'm gonna wear a football helmet."

Thelma: "It's a feta cheese soufflé."

Iola: "Oh! A Gary Collins soufflé!"

Thelma: (sarcastically)"Well, thank you, Iola Boylan, for makin' my meal a howlin' success."

Thelma: "What the h-e-double l are they talkin' about?"

Naomi: "Miss Harper, these guys want a date, not a golden retriever."

Bubba: "You don't keep score."

Naomi: "Well, there goes that theory."

Naomi: (to Iola)"... no one's gonna confuse you with Cher."

Thelma: "And they wonder who is gonna fill Cary Grant's shoes."

Customer: I have a question for Ask Thelma
Mama: Ask Thelma is busy right now
Customer: I just need to know what to do about a tea stain on a rug
Mama: Put a chair over it!

From No Room At The Inn

Vint and Naomi hear a knock at the door
Vint: Is that the cold Duck?
Naomi: No, its the old crow
Vint: Mama, is that you?
Mama: No its Mr T fool

:lol:

Dr. Joyce Brothers: "If you don't use it, you lose it."

Thelma: "Oh, catch the train, Eunice."

Scarlet: "How're you doin', Ed?"
Ed: "Long time no see, Scarlet."

Naomi: "Kids know a lot today."

Thelma: "Well, if that's shy, I'd hate to see what friendly is like."

Naomi Oates Harper: Magic moments between a man and a woman are spiritual and ought not to be screwed with.

Mama: Where'd you get that jacket? Was Sitting Bull having a garage sale?

Thelma 'Mama' Crowley Harper: I've had problems with all of my in-laws. Of course, I never could respect anybody who'd marry one of my kids.

Mama: Nothing like listening to Barry Manilow while you are waiting to get your throat slit

Iola Lucille Boyland: I'm glad I put the tinsel on strand-by-strand. It gives the tree such symmetry.
Bubba Higgins: Yeah, and it balances it out, too.

Mama: Can Vinton handle this job?

Radio Station Guy: A child could do it.

Mama: I know, but could he?

[during loud arguments]
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Well, I'll bet the neighbors are just lovin' this!

Roy: I had a weak back about a week back
get it? Weak back about a week back?

Mama: What I see is someone making fun of someone in pain

Bubba Higgins: Grandma, you've got to admit it... There's nothing like the tree to get you into that Christmas spirit.
Thelma 'Mama' Harper: Yeah, sure, nothing gives me more comfort and joy than cleaning up pine needles for two weeks.