Archie: "What's wrong with revenge? It's the poifect way to get even!"
Paul Benjamin: "You can't argue with a bullet!"

Archie: If Stanislaus is a good name, how come he named you meathead?
Mike: He named me Michael. You named me meathead.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, did you know that sixty percent of the people murdered in this country in the last ten years were killed by guns?

Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?


Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, how can you be against gun control with all the assassinations? Look at it, the Kennedys and Martin Luther King. And what about the shooting of Governor Wallace?

Archie Bunker: I'm saying maybe Governor Wallace wouldn't have gotten shot if he had a rod in his mitt!

An Archie quote:

Mike: (to Archie)"Do you realize you are totally incomprehensible?"
Archie: "Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense."

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, did you know that sixty percent of the people murdered in this country in the last ten years were killed by guns?

Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?




This is one of my favorite quotes and scenes too. Gloria replied by saying "Well that is convoluted logic."

There might be no more than one entire episode of AITF that I like.

I tend to like certain scenes rather than plots in their entirety.

But probably the episode in which Gloria suspects Mike of being attracted to another woman is the one with some of the funniest quotes.
In this episode Gloria makes a statement to her mother, Edith, that she thinks that Mike is actually "Taking lessons" from the woman he is tutoring. And Edith asks "What kind of lessons could she give him?"
That is really a funny quote IMO.

Mike was tutoring a woman "Linda" (Bernadette Peters) who he was attracted to and found himself just being scatterbrained around her because he could not help himself but make it obvious that he does like her.
Bernadette Peters' character was hilarious when she said, "For the past couple of weeks you haven't been able to finish a sentence, and you have been acting terribly charming, telling jokes, and you smell awfully good, and you seem to be coming on to me, and if you are, I just want to let you know, it's all right."
And it gets to where Mike is saying that he is married and has a baby on the way so how can anyone think he is trying to flirt with another woman? But before he knows it "Linda" is sitting on his lap kissing him passionately and Mike is not fighting it really, but he is very nervous and amazed at how he is enjoying it.

Another funny quote IMO is in an episode that I don't know the name of, but there is a scene in which Edith is trying to tell Archie not to make a phone call and I think that Archie was spitefully threatening to call the police or maybe squeal on someone about something, and Edith finally grabs the phone out of Archie's hand and says "Put the phone down dammit!" and it is one of the few times in the earlier episodes in which Edith tells Archie off, and Archie listens. But then since Gloria and Mike were in the room and heard Edith uncharacteristically use a (mild) curse word, Archie then says "In front of the kids?"
That is one of my fav quotes and scenes.

An Archie Bunker & Sammy Davis Jr. quote.

Archie: [on the phone] No, no, I ain't got nothing against them people. I'm calling you from a home that used to be colored.

Emanuel: "Archie, por favor?"
Archie: "Yeah, pour some more."

Archie getting people's names wrong ! :D

Archie: Reverend Fletcher

Edith: It's Reverend Felcher

Archie: Whatever


:lol:

(Archie talking about Mike)

Archie: "But what does he owe me for 5 years of bread and broad?"

Mike: "Tom Farrell paid you to keep quiet!"

Archie: "Ain't ya never heard "silence is gold?"

I'm not sure if the exact quote but my absolute favorite dialogue came from "Edith's Accident" when she's talking about the cling peaches in heavy syrup.

Archie: "C'mon, give me your opinion, straight from the dingbat."

Edith: "Well, I think you should mind your own business."

Archie: "Who asked you?"

Archie: "That's what Abel was saying when he got it in the back from his own brother with a cane."

Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, did you know that sixty percent of the people murdered in this country in the last ten years were killed by guns?

Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?



That was also one of my favorites.

George (to Louise): "Look, banks don't make loans to poor people who need money. That's what pawn shops are for."

Louise (to George): "What do we need a limousine for?"
George: " Because we're gonna leave Bunkersville in style."

Mike Stivic: In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work.

Archie Bunker: Well you don't work, maybe we should throw you out.

[Edith's high school is being torn down to build a grocery store]

Edith Bunker: It won't be the same saying "I went to school there," while pointing at the A&P.

Archie: "I wake up on a Saturday morning, I'm all alone. There's no note, no nothing. There's nobody here."

Edith: "Mike was home."

Archie: "Like I said, there was nobody here."

Archie Bunker: [commenting on a woman's perfume] It infiltrates the nosetrils.

Mike: "In today's society, if something doesn't work, you throw it out."
Archie: "Well, you don't work, maybe we'd better throw you out."

(Archie finds out that his job has been spared)
Archie: What do you mean, 'Congratulations.' You don't have to congratulate me for nothing. See, there's nothing happening to me, you'd think I'm Lazarus rising from the bed.

Edith: "How could I say 'no'?"
Archie: "This way, Edith: 'noooo'."

Archie Bunker: Say there, Rosemarie.

"Archie Bunker: [Reading a comic book] Ha ha ha. Oh that Dennis. He really is a menace. Such a rotten kid I love him."

Archie: "I didn't invent this world."

Archie: "I ain't knockin' mankind, but people are somethin' else."

Gloria: "How can a can of peaches cause all that damage?"
Edith: "Maybe it was the heavy syrup."

Edith: "That was Perry Mason's problem; the jewel thief lied."

Father Majeski: (to Archie)"It means 'Don't waste your time arguing with an idiot.'"

Mike: "...just a little indigestion. Comes from eating his own words."

Archie: (to Edith)"She wanted you to marry that stuck-up lace curtain Irish (something) Paddy O'Rourke."

Edith Bunker: I think he's right, Archie. Like, you haven't said the word "Coon" in almost a year.

Archie: What do you want me to do? Spend $600 on a funeral for a guy who used to sit on my face?
Edith: He'll never do it again.

I can't recall which episode this is from or the exact worded quote. If someone knows please tell me because it's wracking my brain trying to remember the episode!

Mike & Gloria offer to sleep on a cot downstairs and Archie responds with:

"Youse two sleeping on wheels?.....The living room will look like the Indianapolis Speedway!"

And Gloria responds "That's disgusting!"

It was so funny, but I agree it is a disgusting thing to say to and about your own daughter!

Mike: Would you stand up and cheer if it was me at the door?
Archie: Well that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.

Gloria: Ma, anything interesting happen to you today?
Edith: Actually, something interesting did happen today. Oh no, that was yesterday.

[Edith's high school is being torn down to build a grocery store]

Edith Bunker: It won't be the same saying "I went to school there," while pointing at the A&P.

Edith: Archie doesn't like Hungarian stew. Oh no, it's not Hungarian stew he doesn't like...it's Hungarians.

Archie: Did you bring these things (cashews) into the house?Edith: Probably.
Archie: What do you mean "probably?"Edith: I mean, probably I did.Archie: But "probably you did" could also mean "probably you didn't." That's the way it is with a word like "probably"... right?(Pause)
Edith: Probably.

Edith & Archie:

Mike: We're all family here.

Archie: Don't remind me!

Irene: "Isn't it wonderful when he's passionate?"

Archie: "You can't teach an old dingbat new tricks."

Edith: (to Mike)"Not enough salt?"
Mike: "Not enough Archie."

Archie: (to Mike)"Don't be bothering the U.S. Government with the Constitution."

Archie: "Well that's the straw that broke the camel's neck!"

Edith: 'Nothing' just came into my mind.

Archie: It must have felt right at home there

Archie: "...face is gonna be green with envious, huh?"

Archie: "Lionel, are you people involved with that women's liberation?"
Lionel: "No, not too much. You see, we're still working on plain old liberation."

Archie to Meathead : Sticks and stones may break my bones but you are one dumb Pollack.

(Talking about cousin Oscar's death)

Louise: "Was his death untimely?"
Archie: "Yeah, around lunchtime."

Gloria: Michael, that's our money. We each contribute in our own way.

Archie: That's right. You contribute deposits, he contributes withdrawals.

Archie and a nurse:

Archie:
We ought to forget the whole thing officers, it's a false alarm anyway, as you can see, everything is just peaches and beans.

Mike Stivic:
Wait a second! There was a crime committed here, will you stop worrying what people will think?

Archie:
I ain't worried about that, what I'm worried about is that this could come up before a judge in some court, and one of them guys will turn the whole thing around and make believe it's the woman's fault. What do you say to that, officers?

Cop:
We just lock them up, we don't try them.

Archie:
Oh well now there you go, Meathead, case closed.

Mike & Lionel:

Mike: Would you stand up and cheer if it was me at the door?
Archie: Well that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.

when Edith is trying to keep Archie from seeing the phone message from CA confirming Mike's job, and she falls over the chair while trying to get away from him...

Archie: Edith, will you stop playing the FOOL?

Don't know why, but I crack up every time I see this part...more about how he said it than why...

Archie Bunker:
[Gloria comes home from work, and Mike greets her with hugs and kisses] Look at them two over there. Can't yous two come up for air?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, I haven't seen him all day.

Archie Bunker:
You want to see him, open your eyes and step back.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Be nice, Daddy. I worked hard today.

Archie Bunker:
So did I, little girl, but you don't see me comin' home and slobberin' all over your mother.

Edith Bunker:
No, that's right, Gloria. Your father was never much of a slobberer. He's more of a pecker.

Lionel & Archie:

Archie Bunker:
[after nearly destroying the kitchen while trying to cook a steak] Well, there's always Froot Loops.

Gloria & Archie:

Mike Stivic: We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture.

Gloria: (to Archie)"And the next time I see you, Daddy, you'll be white."

Archie: "Forgive me Lord. The Jefferson's was right."

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d2/3b/91/d23b91072c88beda98ff80100468af15.jpg

Little Emanuel is sent to the kitchen for coffee while waiting to talk to Archie about his job, who's busy in the living room with the insurance man. Little Emanuel grows impatient, comes out of the kitchen and calls to Archie:

Little Emanuel: "Archie, por favor?"

Archie: "Yeah, pour some more!" :lol:

Archie:
Hey, little girl, does your fish ever so often come out of water and lay on a rock?

Gloria:
No.

Archie:
Then he's dead.

Gloria:
[crying] Mr. Jaws died.

Archie: "...'There's a difference between a Baptist, a Methodist, and a Jew. Know the difference or I'll set fire to you'."

Archie Bunker:
You worse than that hebe congressman Sam Irving.

Archie: (to Edith)"I ain't nothin'... Without you."

(Last line of the series.)
Edith: "You know somethin', Archie? You're a pip. A real pip."

(First line of the series.)
Mike: "Gloria, I hurried back."

“They got the greatest country in the world here. The highest standard of living. The grossest national product.”
— Archie Bunker

Mike: (to Archie)"You always were good with numbers."

Boom Boom: "Wow! Five hundred dollars; my cups runneth over."

Sam: "I just want to say that this is a hold-up."
(Everybody else laughs. Sam fires his gun into the bar's ceiling.)

Archie: "Everybody was hurt, Edith, they was all wounded right in the wallet!"

“Mike: Would you stand up and cheer if it was me at the door?

Archie: Well that depends, Meathead, on whether you was coming in or going out.”

Edith: "Is that you, Archie?"
Archie: (sarcastically)"No. It's Marcus Weby makin' a house call."

Gloria: You know, pizza's actually not from Italy. I read that Marco Polo discovered it in China and then brought it back to Italy.

Archie: (to Mike)"You want me to keep out the riff raff, don't ya?"
Mike: "Those are your biggest customers."

Sam: "I ain't kidding. Now, if anyone tries to leave I guarantee they'll be detained at the door by my partner."
(Jack raises his gun and fires.)

Mike: "Arch, I want to thank you."

Mike: "You've been like a father to me."

Archie: "I don't like an ocean where the sun goes down, I like an ocean where the sun comes up."

Lionel Jefferson : No, no, wait, I'm not finished, now... now, we've been friends and we can go on being friends. But when it comes to black and white and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between... put a lid on that Archie.

Edith:
Mike, how did you hurt your back?

Mike Stivic:
Lifting a hibachi.

Archie:
What a dope, you lifed a motorcycle?

Archie: (to Gloria)"What's the matter with revenge?! It's the perfect way to get even!"

Archie: "Ahhh, go eat a marshmallow."

Paul Benjamin: "You can't talk to bullets!"

Archie: "No! Them things is very, very wrong!"

(A car bomb explodes, killing Paul Benjamin.)
Archie: "Holy gee... That's Paul. They blew him up in his car."

Mike: "When Archie's here I eat better."

Edith: "Well, last week they was rained out."
Mike: "Bowling rained out?"

Edith: "...he had to leave school to get a job and help his family, so he never graduated."

Archie: "I don't like to hear about normal human functions."

Archie: "And that's God's will, so forget it."

Archie: "Hey, God don't make no mistakes. That's how He got to be God."

Archie: "You, Edith, are somethin' else."

Irene: "They don't make Edsels anymore, either. You don't gear Ford bragging about it."

Mike: "But criticism is the whole point of this game! There's no fun without it!"

Edith: (to Mike)"Don't you wanna hear why Archie yells at you?"

Edith: "Archie yells atcha because he's jealous of -- "

Edith: "...Archie is jealous of you!"

Edith: "Mike, you're goin' to college and you your whole life ahead of ya. Archie had to quit school to support his family! He ain't never gonna be nothin' more than he is right now.

"But you, you've got a chance to be anything you wanna be. That's why he's jealous of you; he sees in you all the things in you that he could never be.

"So the next time Archie yells at you, try to be a little more understanding."

Stephanie: "I'm scared of dead people."

Edith: (to Archie)"That's forgery."
Archie: "No! That's tracery."

Mike: (to Edith)"Remember what you once said to me in this kitchen? You told me, that the only reason that Archie got mad at me all the time was, because he was jealous of the fact that I had all the opportunities that he never had.

"He resented me because, he never had a chance to better himself. And now he's got that chance, Ma."

Mike: "Oh, boy."
Gloria: "What's the matter, honey?"
Mike: "I didn't want to spoil his happy moment, but he's not any better off now than he was before."
Gloria: "Well, of course he is. He got a 15 percent raise!"
Mike: "Gloria, remember readin' in the paper? The cost of livin' went up 12 percent last year."
Gloria: "So?"
Mike: "So, next year it's supposed to go up another 8 percent. That's 20 percent. Archie thinks he's 15 percent ahead. But he's already 5 percent behind."

Archie: "Clink, clink, and clunk."

"Entertainment’s A Thing Of The Past, Now We Got Television.” (Archie)

Archie: (to Edith)"You sing like a piece of chalk on a blackboard."

Archie saying to Gloria: : "People living in communes are com-mu-nists."

Archie Bunker: What she done was wrong and she gotta be punished. For the next two weeks, no out after school. No out at all. If you find yourself having fun at something, stop it. And no delicious foods for three weeks. You only gotta eat the terrible foods that are good for you. And then no TV for a week. And the next week, and this is gonna be tougher: educational TV only.

Edith, does Archie know he's got a black cat on his head?

See, Archie's tryin' to look
young for the dispatcher's job, so he touched it up.

Archie Bunker: Whatsa matter with you, you mad at me?
Stephanie Mills: No. Are you mad at me?
Archie Bunker: No, I ain't mad at you. You didn't do nothing. Oh, yeah. I got something for ya. It's this here. See, I just happen to be passing the store.
[holds up a Star of David]
Stephanie Mills: It's pretty.
Archie Bunker: It's supposed to go around your neck, so let me do that for ya.
Archie Bunker: [puts it on her and fastens it] Yeah, that ain't bad.
Archie Bunker: [goes to go into the house, but pauses at the door] You know, you gotta love somebody to give 'em one of them. I mean, you gotta love everything about them.

Archie and Edith go to the rundown hotel to talk to Floyd about Stephanie staying with them...Archie to one of the winos..."Why don't you go to sleep and dream of the tragedy which is your life"

[Edith hands Archie a beer on the left side instead of the usual right]
Archie: What are you doing?
Edith: I thought you might like it on this side for a change.
Archie: Is it gonna taste better on this side?

Mike: (sarcastically)"Abe Lincoln."
Edith: "I didn't know Lincoln was Jewish."

Gloria: "Nothing ever changes in this crummy house."

Gloria: "Michael, don't you ever touch me unless you mean business."

Archie: "You, Edith, are somethin' else."

Archie: "Edith, let me tell you somethin' about beer: You can never buy it, you can only rent it."

Edith Bunker: I think he's right, Archie. Like, you haven't said the word "Coon" in almost a year.
Archie Bunker: What are you talking about? I say it everyday.
Mike Stivic: You haven't said it in front of us.
Archie Bunker: Alright then: Coon! Coon! Coon! You wanted it, you got it.

Mike: "I like to take care of one foot at a time."

Mike: (to Archie)"You know something? I swear I think you do these things sometimes just to eat my heart out. And that's just what you do. Little by little, piece by piece, you eat my heart out!"
Archie: "I don't care."

Archie "Go Stiffle yourself!!!"

Mr. Thompson: (to Archie)"What makes you think?"

Mr. Thompson: "I'll bet the hospital is still buzzing over that."

Mr. Thompson: (to Archie)"I hand out more in tips than you pay in taxes. I have lifted myself from a slum tenement in Newark, New Jersey, to a four bedroom, three bathroom split level contemporary ranch house, on a corner lot in Larchmont, New York.

Having said that, I would like to end this conversation."

Edith: "To the Rempleys -- "But I read the letter today, and when you read tomorrow today, tomorrow's tomorrow."

Maybe somebody injected some of
that, uh, LTD in the lady's cottage cheese.

Could've turned
her into a sex nut.

Archie: "The Lord might be smilin' on the sheep, but they still wind up as lamb chops."

Did you ever see a nicer guy than your mother?

"It's too late Edith, my bus has sailed."

The minute I croak, they're
gonna come and take me apart.

This body that you love.

You won't have nothin' to
bury of me but a hat and a cigar.

Archie: You go off and leave me here with nobody home.
Edith: Mike was here.
Archie: Like I said, nobody was home.

Archie, don't you understand?
Edith is like a flower.

A late bloomer who's just
beginning to blossom.

Irene, that's beautiful!

That stinks.

You wanna bloom, Irene,
then go ahead and bloom,

but do it in your own pot, huh?

Mike Stivic: We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture.
[Shows him the art exhibit book]
Archie Bunker: Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.
Mike Stivic: That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist.
Archie Bunker: Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.
Mike Stivic: I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
Archie Bunker: Why don't you go take a short walk on a long pier?
Mike Stivic: Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a long walk off a short pier.
Archie Bunker: Then do that.

Archie: "Go Stifile yourself"

Mike Stivic: In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work.
Archie Bunker: Well, you don't work. Maybe we should throw you out.