Post your favorite funny quotes/dialogue from 2 Broke Girls.


Max to Han - "I've been waiting my whole life, I've waited on tables. I've waited at bars. I've waited on home pregnancy tests."

Caroline - "Sometimes you do something you're not comfortable with. It's how you grow."

Max -"No, it's how you get a ride home from a kegger in the woods."

Sophie - "There's only one party worse than this one. The Donner party.....and they had better food."

Max: "You can't give hipsters a microphone. That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire."

Han: "Hipster's like karaoke."

Max: "Replace the word "like" with "Hitler" and you've got the three worse things in history."

(Max to Caroline)

Max: "Scaring people into participating isn't success, it's Scientology."

(Max to Caroline)

Max : "This can't be about my drinking. I don't have the money to be a real alcoholic."

Earl: "Hello Sophie, if you looked any sweeter, you'd fire up my diabetes."

Sophie: "Oh Earl, you wouldn't be the first man to lose a limb over me."

Han - Girl at Urban Outfitters said I looked hip.

Max - You look like a lesbian I made out with once on a dare.

A knock on the door.

Caroline - Who is it?

Sophie - Kim Kardashian, ha ha, No, I'm not Kim Kardashian...No I work for a living.

Caroline - You need to react when people cry.

Max - I did, I rolled my eyes.

Max on cell phones

Caroline on push-up bras

Aunt Charity I was the family priness then you came along and took my boom boom boom
and 2 guys with wood Caroline "Whoa I never given wood and saw wood at the same time"

Max talking about a stray cat they dropped off in a wealthy neighborhood

Max - "He's probably on the couch right now with a tale of two kitties."

Max talking about the stray cat.

Max - Where's her ID tag, even my mother had an ID tag on me. Well it was a flea collar.

Of course I'll be there. The murderer always shows up to throw off the cops.

Max - "Oh no, everything's written in secret code."

Caroline - "Max, that's french."

Caroline: "I'm such a bad judge of character."

Max: "Of course you are, I'm your best friend."

Caroline: "Can't you go to Deke's place without me, I'm too down in the dumps."

Max: "Then what better place to be than in the dumpster."

Max: "You live in a dumpster?"

Deke: "This is usually where the girl says she has to get up early tomorrow or she calls the police. So do you have to go?"

Max: "Yeah! I have to go inside that freaking cool dumpster."

This one is from The ATM episode.

The Kitty Kitty Spank Spank episode quotes:

Max -"Calm your bells down Oleg, not my station. Where's Caroline?"
Oleg - "Would it make you jealous if I said she was back here with me?"
Max - "Jealous? No. Pissed? Probably cause we're busy and it'd take me a lot of time to get the duct tape off her mouth and hands."

Max -"Hey, When you find something, check the pockets for pills. At a
thrift store downtown I found a purple one and took it. Fell asleep for 8 hours! That was my vacation that year."

A Max quote

Max - "So you lost the straw pull for who is going to sleep with Lester."

Caroline - "I think you cheated in that straw pull."

Max - "Of course I cheated."

Max quote:

A Sophie quote:

A Max quote:

A Caroline quote:

Quote from Lindsay Lohan's character:

A Sophie quote:

A Max quote:

A Caroline quote:

An Oleg quote:

A Lester quote:

A Max & Caroline quote:

A Caroline & Max quote:

A Sophie quote:

A Caroline & Max quote:

A Max quote:

Another Max quote:

A Max and Caroline quote:

A Max quote:

A Max quote:

More quotes from 2 Broke Girls:

A Max quote.

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Another Max quote/line.

http://img41.glitterfy.com/15021/glitterfy5163028790B81.gif (http://www.glitterfy.com/)

Funny lines/quotes from 2 Broke Girls:

Max - "I kissed Johnny."
Caroline -"What? When?"
Max - "He came by the apartment right after you left."
Caroline - "I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do, shine a bat symbol out the window?"

A Sophie quote:

A Caroline quote:

Max, Han & Caroline funny lines:

Caroline & Max quotes:

A Max quote:

Caroline & Max quotes:

2 Broke Girls quote:

Max: "Max Black. Bringing smiles to men's faces since puberty."

Caroline: "Hey Han, do you want a cat?"
Max: "You can finally have a friend your own size."

Max: Han, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit wants to shoot in the diner. If you don't say yes, you will be my special victim when I cut your unit off.

A Max Quote:

Max: (to Caroline) "You might want to kickstart some underwear."

Han: "Can't you at least put your phones on 'vibrate'?"
Max: "I don't like to mix business with pleasure."

Max: "I'm not projecting, I just know a deadbeat dad when I don't see one."

Caroline: (to Max)"Sitting on the stoop is nice. How come we never sit out here?"
(Two gunshots are heard, followed by a woman's scream.)
Caroline: "There it is."

Caroline: (to Sophie)"What about sex?"
Sophie: "Oh. No one knows better than me."

Max: "We're not family until we have to testify against each other in a manslaughter trial."

Max: "The only grand tetons Chestnut trusts are mine."

Caroline: Sophie, it’s nice to see you so giddy about something.
Max: Yeah, you’re like me sitting on that broken washer at the laundry mat.

From episode 1: Customer: "Where is my waitress?"
Max: "She's coming right now"

Also the scene where the customer gives Caroline a massage in the diner instead of a cash tip. It isn't so much any lines but the hilarious scene it creates.

What, you can’t light a couple’s head on fire without it being about your ex-boyfriend?

- Max

Max: "Earl, I need to get the wireless router."
Earl: "Oh, is that what this is? I thought it was a cookie warmer."

Caroline: [brings Andy a birthday cupcake with a candle atop it] "Happy birthday! Now come on, blow it out."
Andy: "I don't really feel like doing that."
Max: "Welcome to our world."

Max:
[after Han decides to install a karaoke machine in the diner] You can't give hipsters a microphone. That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.

Max:
What?! No way! No way! Is this Narnia? I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say. OMG! Again, OMG! It's lame, but nothing else really nails it. This is the room that OMG was born for

(Caroline finds a pre-approved credit card in the mail)

Caroline: "Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you."
Max: "Let me explain: I'm not a Scientologist, I just went there one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife."

[Caroline texted Nicolas saying she would only have dinner with him if he left his wife, and he agreed to do so]
Caroline: When I texted him that, I was just being flirty.

Max & Han quotes:

Max, I can’t believe it. I screwed me and the horse I rode in on.

- Max

Max quote:

Max: Let me sum it up: Twitter is stupid, and Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read.

An Oleg quote:

Caroline: So, tell me, did you give Peach the card?

Max: No, I didn't.

Caroline: Why?

Max: It was like my mouth wouldn't let me do it.

Caroline: That's crazy. What's so hard about going up to Peach and saying, "Good afternoon, Peach. Exciting news... I started a cupcake business. Here's our card. Please pass them out to all your friends and help us launch our exciting new business venture. Thank you."

Max: "They still have post offices? I wonder if my wanted poster's still up."

Caroline: "I want to get our nails did."

Max: "I came out to smoke a joint, and I walk in on a drug deal?"

Caroline: "...like every man I ever had sex with."

Caroline: Invade your privacy?

A Max quote:

Caroline: Well there’s no line on this form for “downstairs eyebrow” so I’m just going to list it as “home office.”
Sophie: Yeah, well, I do work out of it.

Oleg: "Hot food from a hot man!"

Caroline Channing: Morning! It's a beautiful day!

Max Black: [while closing the shades on the window] These shades belong down! From now on think of me as a vampire without all the annoying marketing.

Max: "Oh, and Oleg? When you get the chance, stop looking at my boobs."

Sir, if you say another bad word about her I’m going to whoosh-whoosh you off of that chair.

- Max

Max & Caroline:

Caroline: Well, I did it. I saved the neighborhood.
Max: You had a car towed; you didn't burn down the Bed Bath and Beyond.

Max & Caroline:

Caroline Channing: Oleg, what are you doing here? And you put the "oh no" in Kimono.

Sophie:

Earl: Why Johnny, if it isn't the famous street artist.
Johnny: I'm hardly famous.
Earl: I know, my comment was laced with sarcasm.

Han: Welcome to the Williamsburg diner. How many in your party?
Sophie: What kind of question is this? One, I am my own party.

Caroline: I may have enhanced my resume.
Max: Enhanced? What are we in? Paris?.

Caroline: [to Oleg, who is wearing only a Kimono robe] : "Oleg, you put the "oh no" in Kimono."

Just because there is snow on the roof, doesn't mean there is not swing in the sling

- Earl

Caroline & Max:

Caroline & Max:

All this money and I didn’t do anything. I’m one mustache away from being a Kardashian.

- Max

Caroline:

Caroline:

Han:

Andy: I came here to tell Caroline something kind of big.
Max: What? You have a secret family on Long Island?

Han & Max:

Max:

Max: You realized I replaced that Purell with K-Y, right?
Caroline: Max, please say you're kidding.
Max: Of course I'm kidding. I can't afford lube. I just use my tears.
Caroline: Max, seriously, don't mess with my hand sanitizer.

Sophie:

Sophie:

Max talking to Randy:

Deke & Max:

Max:

Max & Randy:

Caroline:

Earl and Max:

Caroline:

Andy:

Caroline:

Oleg:

Max:

Caroline: "... it's time to play that game where we take shots and pay our bills."

Max: "That's an even number! Shot!"

Caroline: (to Max) "I'm so proud; we paid all our bills, and with actual American dollars this time."

Max: "I'm one mustache away from being a Kardashian."

Caroline: "Horse racing, after all, is the sport of kings."

Max: "... just like not using a condom."

Max:

Max: Remember on Full House, when you thought there was one Michelle, but there were actually two Michelles...
Caroline: Why are you bringing up one of the craziest days of my life?

Caroline:

Earl:

Max: Lots of people cry at Goodwill. You go to France, you eat snails. You come here, you cry.

Caroline: That's odd, you didn't even react.

Sophie:

Caroline: Just give me one good reason why we shouldn't keep up with the Kardashians.
Max: I'll give you five good reasons: Kim, Kamber, Klondike... and the little ones, Krispy and Kreme.
Caroline: Not even close.
Max: Fine. Kim, Kooky, Kool-Aid, and the little ones, Kaptain and Kangaroo.
Caroline: It's Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kylie, and Kendall.
Max: That mother has some nerve, naming a kid who's probably never even read a book "Kindle."
Caroline: We need this! Everyone watches Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It's like Dancing with the Stars, but without the stars. So, Dancing with the Stars.
Max: Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate, 'cause I've never seen it.
Caroline: Well, it's all about this family and their struggle to... keep up. Yeah, okay, I've never seen it either.

Earl:

Max: Okay, where's the coke?
Caroline: There is no coke.
Max: Why would you call anyone into a bathroom if you don't have coke? That's rude!
Caroline: No, I was just gonna talk to you.
Max: Oh, then I'm definitely gonna need coke.

Deke & Sophie:

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b0/53/ef/b053ef84448e1d9dbe9df5657d66a86a.jpg

Max:

Caroline:

[First lines]
Hipster #1: Excuse me. Waitress? Dude? [snapping his fingers]
Max: Hi, what can I get ya?
Hipster #1: We need some...
Max: [snaps her fingers in his face every time she speaks] Is that annoying? Is that obnoxious and rude? Would you find it distracting if someone did that to you while you were working? Oh, you don't have a job. Sorry.
Hipster #2: Damn, dude, she burned you.
Max: Oh. [snaps her fingers in front of Hipster #2 too] No, hipster. No. Do not think we're on the same team. We have nothing in common. I wear knit hats when it's cold out. You wear knit hats 'cause of Coldplay. You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad. [turns to Hipster #1] And finally, you think [snaps her fingers in his face] this is the sound that gets you service. I think [snaps again] this is the sound that dries up my vagina.

Oleg & Caroline:

Caroline & Sophie:

Cool guy: I've been out of town all summer. Anything new?
Max: Anything new? Let's see, well... Facebook went public and Edward Snowden went private. Kim and Kanye had a baby, so now there's another Kardashian to not keep up with. Paula Deen is out, gay marriage is in, and a teacher in California's out for letting her students get it in. Justin Bieber got a hit-and-run, Chris Brown got a hit-and-run, Rihanna got hit and still didn't run. Oprah gave Lindsay $2 million, cunnilingus gave Michael Douglas throat cancer, and Michael Douglas gave guys everywhere another excuse not to do that. Egypt went crazy, Amanda Bynes went crazier, and the NSA checks our phones like a crazy ex-girlfriend. Oh, and Texas hates women, Florida hates blacks, and everybody hates everything with the exception of Angelina Jolie, who is totally awesome.
Cool guy: I meant on the menu.

Earl:

Cher Impersonator:

Caroline & Max:

Caroline: [going through the mail] Max, you will not believe what just came addressed to you.
Max: Let me explain: I'm not a Scientologist, I just went there one time because I heard some rich guy was looking for a wife.

Han & Sophie:

Caroline Channing:
You need to react when people cry.

Max Black:
I did, I rolled my eyes.

Sophie:

[first lines]

Max Black:
Hi, ready to order?

Girl #1:
Do you have anything that's really special?

Max Black:
Not according to my high school guidance counselor.

Girl #2:
I'll have the veggie plate, but instead of beats I want kale and instead of broccoli more kale. I want the veggies steamed and instead of dressing I want lemons. Don't you need to write this down?

Max Black:
I'm afraid if I start writing that down it'll turn into a suicide note. I'm assuming this table's going to have a lot more of those requests?

[All four girls at the table not their heads and agree]

Max Black:
Yes, I could tell by the hats.

Max: "Coconut oil? Great. Now he's edible."

Max: It'll be a miracle on 34th Street if we make it out of the bottom of this slave ship without elf scurvy.
Mary: Hi. I couldn't help but overhear you mention Miracle on 34th Street. That's my absolute favorite Christmas movie.
Caroline: Mine too!
Mary: My second favorite is It's a Wonderful Life.
Caroline: Mine too!
Max: I've got Schindler's List on Blu-ray.
Mary: Hi. I'm Mary.
Caroline: I'm Caroline.
Mary: [turns to Max] Hi. I'm Mary.
Max: It's cool, we don't need to talk.

Han & Max:

Max Black: And the technical term for you is "overly-dramatic". Yesterday you freaked out because we were out of toilet paper. Just hold it 'til you get to work like everybody else.
Han Lee: Now maybe I sing while others wait.
Max Black: Uh-oh. We got real problems now.
Han Lee: I choose Susan Boyle popular song from all clips on internet. It's called I Dream...
[Max unplugs microphone while Han is talking]
Max Black: Keep dreaming.