Frank Gannucci
10-11-2011, 07:11 AM
The Kramdens & Nortons are taking a trip:
(Alice & Alice’s parents are in the kitchen.)
Alice: “Hurry up Ralph!”
Ralph (from hallway, yells): “I’M COMING ALICE! KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON!”
Alice’s Mom: “When we get down to Miami Beach, I hope that we encounter no topless women.”
Alice: “Relax Mother. Oh, I just can’t seem to close this suitcase.”
(Ralph comes out.)
Ralph: “I am ready.”
Alice: “Ralph, would you help me close this suitcase.”
Ralph: “Sure.”
Alice: “Why don’t you sit on it?”
Ralph: “Oooh, you are a real riot.”
(Ralph & Alice try to close it, but to no avail.)
Ralph: “It’s no use.”
(The Nortons come on down. Ed is wearing a gawdy bathing suit.)
Ed: “Whaddaya say there Ralph-ie boy?”
Ralph: “You are nuts. Wearing that getup around here.”
Ed: “Hey, we are going to Miami Beach. I am just getting ready. I heard that the water down there is the best water in the world, even in the sewer.”
(Audience cheers.)
Ralph: “It’s no use. I can’t close this suitcase.”
Ed: “Why don’t you sit on it?”
Ralph: “Oh, you are a real riot Norton. I am telling you that if I sit on it, it won’t close.”
(Ralph sits on it. It closes.)
Ralph: “Oh boy!”
Trixie: “Well, is everyone all ready?”
Alice: “Yup.”
Ralph: “I am too. Let’s go.”
(They go on down to the airport. They encounter the TSA.)
TSA Official: “Sir, you have to remove your shoes.”
Ed: “Sure.”
(Ed does.)
TSA Official: “Ooooh, that odor is strong.”
Ed: “Oh, see I work in the sewer see…”
Ralph (yells): “COME ON! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.”
(Ed does.)
TSA Official: “Sir, I need you to take your shoes off.”
Ralph: “All righty.”
Alice’s Mom: “That must be the biggest shoe that you probably ever saw.”
Ralph: “Ooooh, you are a real riot.”
(Ralph does.)
(After that, all of them go through the scanner. Ralph gets stuck.)
Ralph (yells): “SOMEONE HELP ME! I GOT STUCK IN THIS THING AGAIN!”
Alice’s Mom: “This will be embarrassing for you. You are probably the biggest human being…”
Ralph (yells): “HELP PUSH ME THROUGH THIS THING!”
Alice’s Mom: “The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer.”
(Ed laughs.)
Ralph (yells): “SHUT UP NORTON!”
McGarrity (from afar, yells): “HEY KRAMDEN! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAD TOO MANY PIZZAS. HA HA HA HA!”
Ralph (yells): “AREN’T YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE MCGARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?”
TSA Official: “Be quiet sir.”
McGarrity (yells): “KRAMDEN, SHOULDN’T YOU BE AT THE PIZZERIA? DID THAT BURN DOWN?”
(Ralph finally gets pushed out.)
Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT MCGARRITY! PUT ‘EM UP! LET’S GO!”
Alice’s Mom (yells): “I SUPPOSE THAT WE HAVE TO PULL THIS ELEPHANT FROM THE FIGHT!”
Ralph (yells): “I WILL TAKE ON BOTH OF YOU!”
(The fight gets broken up and all of them go to Miami Beach.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: "Folks, time to introduce the cast. First, Jean Kean."
(The audience applauds as Jean comes on stage and kisses Jackie.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(The audience applauds as Audrey comes on stage and kisses Jackie.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(The audience applauds as Art comes on stage and shakes Jackie's hand.)
Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"
(Audience cheers.)
(Alice & Alice’s parents are in the kitchen.)
Alice: “Hurry up Ralph!”
Ralph (from hallway, yells): “I’M COMING ALICE! KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON!”
Alice’s Mom: “When we get down to Miami Beach, I hope that we encounter no topless women.”
Alice: “Relax Mother. Oh, I just can’t seem to close this suitcase.”
(Ralph comes out.)
Ralph: “I am ready.”
Alice: “Ralph, would you help me close this suitcase.”
Ralph: “Sure.”
Alice: “Why don’t you sit on it?”
Ralph: “Oooh, you are a real riot.”
(Ralph & Alice try to close it, but to no avail.)
Ralph: “It’s no use.”
(The Nortons come on down. Ed is wearing a gawdy bathing suit.)
Ed: “Whaddaya say there Ralph-ie boy?”
Ralph: “You are nuts. Wearing that getup around here.”
Ed: “Hey, we are going to Miami Beach. I am just getting ready. I heard that the water down there is the best water in the world, even in the sewer.”
(Audience cheers.)
Ralph: “It’s no use. I can’t close this suitcase.”
Ed: “Why don’t you sit on it?”
Ralph: “Oh, you are a real riot Norton. I am telling you that if I sit on it, it won’t close.”
(Ralph sits on it. It closes.)
Ralph: “Oh boy!”
Trixie: “Well, is everyone all ready?”
Alice: “Yup.”
Ralph: “I am too. Let’s go.”
(They go on down to the airport. They encounter the TSA.)
TSA Official: “Sir, you have to remove your shoes.”
Ed: “Sure.”
(Ed does.)
TSA Official: “Ooooh, that odor is strong.”
Ed: “Oh, see I work in the sewer see…”
Ralph (yells): “COME ON! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.”
(Ed does.)
TSA Official: “Sir, I need you to take your shoes off.”
Ralph: “All righty.”
Alice’s Mom: “That must be the biggest shoe that you probably ever saw.”
Ralph: “Ooooh, you are a real riot.”
(Ralph does.)
(After that, all of them go through the scanner. Ralph gets stuck.)
Ralph (yells): “SOMEONE HELP ME! I GOT STUCK IN THIS THING AGAIN!”
Alice’s Mom: “This will be embarrassing for you. You are probably the biggest human being…”
Ralph (yells): “HELP PUSH ME THROUGH THIS THING!”
Alice’s Mom: “The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer.”
(Ed laughs.)
Ralph (yells): “SHUT UP NORTON!”
McGarrity (from afar, yells): “HEY KRAMDEN! IT LOOKS LIKE YOU HAD TOO MANY PIZZAS. HA HA HA HA!”
Ralph (yells): “AREN’T YOU NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE MCGARRITY? WHAT HAPPENED, DID THE SALOON BURN DOWN?”
TSA Official: “Be quiet sir.”
McGarrity (yells): “KRAMDEN, SHOULDN’T YOU BE AT THE PIZZERIA? DID THAT BURN DOWN?”
(Ralph finally gets pushed out.)
Ralph (yells): “ALL RIGHT MCGARRITY! PUT ‘EM UP! LET’S GO!”
Alice’s Mom (yells): “I SUPPOSE THAT WE HAVE TO PULL THIS ELEPHANT FROM THE FIGHT!”
Ralph (yells): “I WILL TAKE ON BOTH OF YOU!”
(The fight gets broken up and all of them go to Miami Beach.)
(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: "Folks, time to introduce the cast. First, Jean Kean."
(The audience applauds as Jean comes on stage and kisses Jackie.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(The audience applauds as Audrey comes on stage and kisses Jackie.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(The audience applauds as Art comes on stage and shakes Jackie's hand.)
Jackie: "The Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"
(Audience cheers.)