A Collection of Festus Haggen's Favorite Gunsmoke Jokes.


Newly came in from an unsuccessful day of hunting quail and was telling everybody at the Long Branch about it. "You should have taken Festus with you,” explained Kitty. "His mule Ruth points quail better than any dog.”

Newly didn’t believe it, so he asked Festus if it were true. "Sure is", said Festus, "would you like to see him work?" Newly said, "Sure". Soon they were walking through a field, when Ruth suddenly stopped and struck a beautiful point. Festus walked ahead of the mule and scared up a big covey of quail. This goes on a half dozen more times...Ruth points...Festus scares up the covey. Finally, Newly says, "That's enough, I've got to have that mule". "He ain't for sale", said Festus. I'll give you $50.00 for him", said Newly. Well, Festus couldn't refuse such a big offer, so he sold him.

The next day, Newly was in a rage. "What’s wrong with this mule you sold me?", he screamed..."all he's done all day is stand belly deep in my pond"!! "Well", explained Festus, "I guess I should'a told you......he'd rather fish than hunt."

Festus got married and was visited by his mother-in-law, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. Festus had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging him at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the deputy and his new bride.

Seeing what was going on, Ruth suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly!

At the funeral service a few days later, Festus stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

Marshal Dillon noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to his deputy, he would nod his head yes and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to Festus, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, Matt later asked Festus what that was all about.

The deputy replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'

The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. He’s all booked up for a year.'

Festus was explaining to Miss Kitty why she shouldn't ever get married. "Take my mule, Ruth," Festus explained. Mules are better than any husband!" "How do you figure that?" asked Kitty. "Well," Festus replied:



If they don't work out you can sell them.

They don't come with in-laws.

You don't have to worry about your children looking like them.

You never have to iron their saddle pads.

If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one.

They smell good when they sweat.

It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence".

They turn white with age, but not bald.

They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.

Your mule will not think a new pair of shoes every month is excessive

Feeling lonely and neglected, Festus' mule, Ruth, entered the Long Branch Saloon to have a drink.

"Good morning, Ruth," said Sam. "Why the long face?"

Festus rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the deputy finished his drink and left the saloon, he found that Ruth had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my mule?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my mule ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Dodge City! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Dodge City!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. Festus, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that Ruth has been returned to his post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the deputy out of the bar. "Say, partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what did you have to do in Dodge City?" Festus turned back and said, " I had to walk home."

A group of soldiers from Fort Dodge saw Festus leading Ruth by a halter and decided to have some fun.

"Say, Cowboy!" called out a soldier. "You're sure keeping a tight hold on your brother there!"

"I have to," replied Festus. "If I didn't, he'd run away and join the army."

Festus and Ruth rode through miles of the sun-drenched desert
searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low
and Ruth was too tired to carry him,so Festus had to walk. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water.
Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.

"Thank God I found you!" Festus cried. "Please help me. I'm
in dire need of some water."

"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would
you like to buy one of these fine ties."

"What am I going to do with a tie?" Festus asked.

"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't
help you."

Festus left the vendor and walked on for many more miles,
praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching
sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a
restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant
located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a
mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the
door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually
existed.

The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir," the
doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a tie!"

Marshal Dillon had sent Festus to Abilene on business, and while there, Festus attended a megachurch. Back in Dodge City, he was telling Doc Adams all about it.


"Well first," Festus explained, "I had to park Ruth in a big corral."

"Parking lot," explained Doc.

"Then I walked up the trail to the door."

"Sidewalk," explained Doc.

"Then a bouncer met me inside."
"Usher."

"Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit down."

"Pew."
"Yeah, that's what the lady said that I sat down next to."

Festus continued with his story about his visit to a large church.



"Well, first," the deputy explained, "they had Sunday School, and the adults stayed in the main auditorium. The teacher talked about sin."

"What did he say about sin?" asked Doc Adams.

"He was against it."

Festus continued, "Then we had a fifteen minute break before church, and everyone was real friendly-like. Some of the younguns ran in to show their parents what they drawed in Sunday School class. One little girl was supposed to draw a picture from a hymn, and she drew a smiling grizzly bear named 'Lee,' who couldn't see straight."

"What hymn was that?" asked Doc.

"Why, Doc, I'm surprised at you," drawled the deputy. "With all your education, you don't know what hymn that was?











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Gladly the Cross I'd Bear

Leaving Ruth outside because he didn't want to have to buy him a beer, Festus walked into the Long Branch Saloon.

"Hello, Miss Kitty" he drawled. "Where is everybody?"

Kitty replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," Miss Kitty replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the deputy asked.

"Well," explained the saloon owner, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown
paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the deputy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," answered Kitty.

The circus had come to Dodge City, and Festus, sitting on top of Ruth, was watching the parade go by. One of the circus animals was a mule, wearing huge pink earmuffs and a pink dress. "Say, Ruth," chuckled Festus, "what do you call a mule with pink earmuffs and a pink dress?"



"Anything you want," thought Ruth. "She can't hear you."

A group of children had gathered around Festus, who was lifting them one at a time onto Ruth and then putting them down again. Little Mary, however, was nervous about getting onto the animal. "Mister Festus," she asked worriedly, "how do you get down from a mule?"

"You don't," Festus replied, "You get down from a duck."

Marshal Dillon was sitting in his office when Festus brought in a prisoner. "What did he do?" asked the Marshal.
"Well," explained the deputy, "He walked into the Long Branch Saloon, and asked for ten shots of Whiskey.
Then he drank the first five shots real fast, and Sam asked him why he did that?
He said I can do that if you have what I have.
Then he drunk the other five just as fast as the first five.
And Miss Kitty told him not to do that.
He said you can if you have what I have.
So Sam asked him what do you have?
And the Cowboy said.
'Only fifty cents.'"

A cold spell had hit Dodge City, and the lake was frozen solid. Festus and Louie had heard about ice-fishing, so they decided to give it a try. Taking Ruth with them, they stopped at the general store to get some ice picks and fishing tackle, and headed for the lake.



Leaving Ruth on shore, they started chopping away at the ice. Some time later, Festus sent Louie back to the store to buy some more ice picks. A couple hours later, Louie returned to buy some more.



"How is Festus doing out there?" asked the clerk. "Not too good," answered Louie. "He hasn't even got the boat in the water yet."

Matt had the day off on a cold winter day, so he walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when Festus rode up on Ruth, went out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from Matt and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and Festus pulled in the fish.

Matt couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the deputy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the marshal couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to Festus and said, "Festus, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

Festus responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" Matt asked.

Again Festus responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the marshal, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, Festus spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Festus was riding Ruth to the butcher's shop, to sell him some chickens that Festus had in a bag. He met Chester, who asked "What have you got in the bag?"

Jus' some chickens."

"If I guess how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

"No," Festus replied, "Four."

Risking life and limb, Festus and Ruth caught up with a young man galloping frantically down the main street of Dodge City.

"But Deputy," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped Festus. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the marshal gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later Festus looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the marshal's at his niece's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Some of you have wondered how Louie, the town alcoholic, got on the wagon.

A judge grew tired of seeing Louie in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

Then Louie promptly fainted.

Festus commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that." Louie has been dry ever since.

Grumbling loudly, Festus tied Ruth in front of the marshal's office and stomped inside. Marshal Dillon had already heard that a slick lawyer had gotten one of the deputy's prisoners set free.

"Matthew,” Festus snarled, " What would you need to get if the Indians buried 100 lawyers up to their necks in the desert sand?
The marshal shrugged. "A shovel?”

"No,” snapped Festus. "More sand.”

Doc Adams was watching calmly while Festus, sitting astride Ruth, kept grabbing at the air. Marshal Dillon came walking up and asked Doc what the deputy was doing.




"I told him he needed to collect his thoughts,” snapped the doctor.

Learning that the marshal needed help, Festus rode Ruth out to a ranch. He spotted a boy petting the marshal's horse, which was tied next to several other horses. Festus asked the boy "Is your Ma here?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "no".

"Is there any one there besides you?" the deputy asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "Marshal Dillon".

Wondering what Matt would be doing at the ranch,
Festus asked, "May I speak with him"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the deputy.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the ranch hands", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard a loud noise approaching, Festus asked, "What is that noise?"

"A posse", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the deputy, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"The search team has spread out over the forest."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the deputy asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"They're trying to find me."

Folks, of all the Festus jokes in the world, this is my favorite:

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he later asked Marshal Dillon, "Is this winter going to be cold?"

Matt responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed." "How do you know?” asked the Chief. "Festus told me, and he’s always right about this,” the Marshal replied.

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he asked Matt again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the Marshal replied, "Festus tells me it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he asks Marshal Dillon again: "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the Marshal replies, "Festus is warning everybody that it is going to be a terribly cold winter.”

Later, Matt asked Festus if he were sure that it was going to be such a bad winter. "Why shucks, Matthew, I know it’s going to be a very cold winter. The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

One Sunday morning Festus rode Ruth up to a church just before services were to begin.

Although the deputy and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible that he didn’t know how to read anyhow.

The Church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of Dodge City. It was the largest and most beautiful church in the entire territory.

The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the deputy took a seat, the others moved away from him.

No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God's work.

As Festus was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the deputy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship."

Festus assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached Festus and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

"I did," replied Festus.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear.

He says He's never been in this church!

Folks, this is my favorite Indian joke, modified for Gunsmoke, of course:


Everybody knew that Festus was good with numbers, so the Bureau of Indian Affairs asked him to take a poll among the Indians. Worried about Sitting Bull's uprising, the bureau wanted to know: "Do you think the United States should get out of the Dakotas?"

After riding Ruth to the reservation, Festus polled the Indians and returned with his answer. "Fifteen percent of the Indians feel that the United States should get out of the Dakotas," the deputy reported. "Well, that's not too bad," replied the agent. "And 85% of the Indians," continued Festus, " feel that the United States should get out of North America."

"Say, Doc," Festus asked one day, "what's the most reliable method of figuring out if a baby's going to be a boy or a girl?"



"Childbirth," Doc Adams replied.

While riding Ruth through an isolated part of Dodge City, Festus heard a man cursing loudly and a woman screaming for help. Hurrying to the scene, he saw the worthless son of a wealthy rancher beating a terrified and crying young lady as he dragged her into an alley.

Festus ordered the man to stop, and, not accustomed to being told what to do, the fellow slugged the deputy, who then fed him a knuckle sandwich. Throwing his prisoner on top of Ruth, Festus continued to the marshal's office, where Matt wrote out a lengthy list of serious charges.

But just before the trial, Marshal Dillon was called out of town. Seeing his chance, the wealthy rancher hired a slick-talking city lawyer to get Festus to release the prisoner.

"I can't let him go!" exclaimed Festus. "He was assaulting that poor woman!" "Why, my client was only as romantic as Shakespeare!" explained the lawyer.

"But he was beating her!" exclaimed the deputy."Why, he was only as voracious as Keats," explained the lawyer.

"He was cussin' up a storm!" sputtered Festus. "Why, he was only as loquacious as Yates," sneered the attorney.

"He assaulted a police officer!" objected Festus. "Why, he was only as vehement as Shelley," laughed the lawyer.

"That does it!" roared the deputy. "He's staying in jail until the trial! And after the trial, I'm organizing a posse and rounding up them other four rascals you was talkin' about!"

In the episode "The Doctor’s Wife,” Festus and Marshal Dillon were discussing whether there was life on the moon.

"I don’t think it would be so hard to find out if there’s people living there,” continued Festus. "Shucks,” the moon’s closer to us than Abilene, Texas, and we can get there without any trouble.”

"What makes you think the moon is closer to Dodge City than Abilene, Texas?” asked the marshal.

"Well, shucks, Matthew, you can't see Abilene from here.”

After riding Ruth to the reservation, Festus was talking to his friend, the Chief, when the Chief’s wife came up and gave him a chewing out. "Yes, Ula Bogga,” the Chief replied to his squaw. "Your wife is named ‘Ula Bogga’? asked Festus. "Yes,” replied the Chief. "We gave her that name after she was married.” "What does it mean?” Festus asked. "It means ‘Three Horses’! she snapped, and stomped off. After she was gone, Festus asked the Chief, "Why did you name her ‘Three Horses’?” The Chief replied "Because it really means Nag, Nag, Nag!”

Louie was visiting Dr. Adams. "I can’t stop my hands from shaking!” complained poor Louie. "That’s because you drink too much,” explained the doctor. "No, I don’t!” wailed Louie, "I spill most of it.”

Brandishing a shotgun, a man was walking down the main street of Dodge, swearing out loud that he was going to kill Doctor Adams. Chasing him on Ruth, Festus pulled his own gun and disarmed the man.

"Now, why do you want to kill Doc Adams?” Festus asked. "Because the doctor said to my wife that she should stay away from whiskey and bad company!”
”So what?” asked the deputy.

"The angry man replied, " Well, now she wants a divorce.”

Festus had ridden Ruth into the desert to go hunting but had not returned. Matt went looking for him, and he found Festus, dazed, confused, and babbling, as Ruth carried him back towards town.



"Festus!" exclaimed the marshal. "What happened to you?" "Matthew," gasped the deputy, "there was this dog. He wore glasses. His name was Mr. Peabody. He had a boy named Sherman. I got caught in their wayback machine. I seen the future..."



To be continued!

"Festus, what did you see when you were in the future?" asked the Marshal. "Matthew, it was awful," replied the deputy. " You know how I can go into a store with nothing but a dollar, and I can get eggs, bread, milk, and a few other things? Well, you can't do that any more in the future."



"Why not? asked Matt. "Because," Festus replied, "they have security cameras."

Doc Adams was about to give Festus an injection. "Doc, is this gonna hurt?” asked the worried deputy. "No, it won’t hurt at all,” the doctor promised. He gave Festus the shot, and Festus yelled in pain "You said it wouldn’t hurt!” "It didn’t,” replied Doc Adams. "I didn’t feel a thing.”

With his friends surrounding him at a table at the Long Branch, Festus was recounting his adventures in the future.

"They gave me some money and took me to Atlantic City, New Jersey," Festus explained. "Why, there's nothing there but a beach with a few boards to walk on," Interrupted Matt. "But in the future, it will have a boardwalk that goes for miles, and there's lots of big buildings!" exclaimed the deputy. "And they have these buildings called casinos where everybody goes to gamble."

"Why don't they just gamble at saloons, like everybody else?" asked Kitty. "Because," Festus explained dramatically, "In the casinos, you gamble against machines." "Why would anybody want to gamble with a machine," Kitty asked, "when it can't talk to you?"

Festus continued, "You put your money into the machine and then you push buttons to decide how you want to play. I tried the poker machines and the blackjack machines, but I kept losing." "That figures," snapped Doc. Ignoring him, Festus continued, "But then I found a Pepsi Cola machine." "Pepsi Cola?" asked Kitty. "I never heard of that game." "Well," neither did I, explained Festus, "but I was losing at everything else, so I decided to play Pepsi Cola. I put all my money into that machine, and then pushed different buttons to play. I sure wish I could have figured out the rules of the game, though."


"You lost all your money playing a game when you didn't even know the rules?" exclaimed Doctor Adams. "Festus, that was stupid!" "What do you mean, 'lost'?" exclaimed Festus. "I won a prize every time I played!"

Doc Adams was about to give Festus an injection. "Doc, is this gonna hurt?” asked the worried deputy. "No, it won’t hurt at all,” the doctor promised. He gave Festus the shot, and Festus yelled in pain "You said it wouldn’t hurt!” "It didn’t,” replied Doc Adams. "I didn’t feel a thing.”