Frank Gannucci
05-08-2008, 09:32 AM
(It’s the morning of Mother’s Day. Alice gets up angry followed by Ralph who is also angry.)
Ralph: “I don’t care what you say. I am NOT going to your mother’s today. I am going bowling with Norton.”
Alice: “You are going to MY MOTHER’S Ralph. This is Mother’s Day and I told my mom that you are coming.”
Ralph: “I will be there in spirit. Alice, your mother is a BLABBERMOUTH. We don’t get along. We are like enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose.”
Alice: “Yeah and you are the big goose.”
Ralph: “Oooh, you are a riot Alice. I am NOT GOING.”
Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”
Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”
Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”
Alice (yells): “YOU ARE NOT GOING!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM GOING!”
Alice (yells): “GOOD!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING”
Alice: “Now Ralph, if you don’t go, I will be upset at you for a long time.”
Ralph: “I will take that chance.”
(Phone rings from upstairs.)
(A pause.)
Trixie (from upstairs, yells): “ALICE, PHONE CALL FOR YOU.”
(Trixie lowers the phone cord.)
Alice: “I wish you would give us a phone.”
Ralph: “Why, Trixie is reaching out and touching someone.”
Alice: “Hello?”
Ralph’s Mom (on the phone): “Hello?”
Alice: “Mother Kramden. Well, this is a surprise.”
Ralph’s Mom (on the phone): “I called to say that I want to go to your mother’s with Ralph. I loved the gift Ralph sent me. It’s a ticket to Miami Beach.”
(Audience applauds.)
Alice: “Here’s Ralph.”
(Ralph gets the phone.)
Ralph: “Mama. Mom. Did you like the gift I sent you?”
Ralph’s Mom: “Yes, I did. I want to go to Alice’s Mom’s house and it would really mean much to me if you came too.”
Ralph: “Sure, if you say so. Bye.”
Ralph’s Mom: “Bye.”
Ralph: “Alice, looks like I will be going after all. A mother is one of the most important people in the world. I am so sorry for acting the way I did all night.”
Alice: “I forgive you Ralph.”
Ralph: “You are the greatest.”
(They hug and kiss.)
(Jackie Gleason comes on stage. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: “Folks, you guys are the GREATEST audiences in the world.”
(Audience applauds.)
Jackie: Audrey Meadows.”
(Aud comes down and kisses Jackie.)
Jackie: “From all of us here to all the mothers, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! GOOD NIGHT!”
(Audience cheers.)
"Mama Loves Mambo":
Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."
Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."
"On Stage":
(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)
Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"
Ralph: "'Greetings?'"
Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."
"Vacation At Fred's Landing":
(The car won't start.)
Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."
Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."
"Vacation At Fred's Landing":
Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"
Ed: "I can't get the car started."
"A Weighty Problem Part 1":
Ralph (knocking on door): "Got any mashed potatoes out there?"
(Door opens.)
Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes out there?"
Cook: "We don't even have anything else to throw away."
"Flushing Ho":
Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."
Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."
"On Stage":
Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."
Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."
“In 25 Words Or Less":
(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)
Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."
Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."
Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."
"Ship Of Fools":
Ed: "I went to Europe once."
Man: "Did you enjoy it?"
Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."
Ralph: “I don’t care what you say. I am NOT going to your mother’s today. I am going bowling with Norton.”
Alice: “You are going to MY MOTHER’S Ralph. This is Mother’s Day and I told my mom that you are coming.”
Ralph: “I will be there in spirit. Alice, your mother is a BLABBERMOUTH. We don’t get along. We are like enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose.”
Alice: “Yeah and you are the big goose.”
Ralph: “Oooh, you are a riot Alice. I am NOT GOING.”
Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”
Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”
Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”
Alice (yells): “YOU ARE NOT GOING!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM GOING!”
Alice (yells): “GOOD!”
Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING”
Alice: “Now Ralph, if you don’t go, I will be upset at you for a long time.”
Ralph: “I will take that chance.”
(Phone rings from upstairs.)
(A pause.)
Trixie (from upstairs, yells): “ALICE, PHONE CALL FOR YOU.”
(Trixie lowers the phone cord.)
Alice: “I wish you would give us a phone.”
Ralph: “Why, Trixie is reaching out and touching someone.”
Alice: “Hello?”
Ralph’s Mom (on the phone): “Hello?”
Alice: “Mother Kramden. Well, this is a surprise.”
Ralph’s Mom (on the phone): “I called to say that I want to go to your mother’s with Ralph. I loved the gift Ralph sent me. It’s a ticket to Miami Beach.”
(Audience applauds.)
Alice: “Here’s Ralph.”
(Ralph gets the phone.)
Ralph: “Mama. Mom. Did you like the gift I sent you?”
Ralph’s Mom: “Yes, I did. I want to go to Alice’s Mom’s house and it would really mean much to me if you came too.”
Ralph: “Sure, if you say so. Bye.”
Ralph’s Mom: “Bye.”
Ralph: “Alice, looks like I will be going after all. A mother is one of the most important people in the world. I am so sorry for acting the way I did all night.”
Alice: “I forgive you Ralph.”
Ralph: “You are the greatest.”
(They hug and kiss.)
(Jackie Gleason comes on stage. Audience applauds.)
Jackie: “Folks, you guys are the GREATEST audiences in the world.”
(Audience applauds.)
Jackie: Audrey Meadows.”
(Aud comes down and kisses Jackie.)
Jackie: “From all of us here to all the mothers, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! GOOD NIGHT!”
(Audience cheers.)
"Mama Loves Mambo":
Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."
Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."
"On Stage":
(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)
Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"
Ralph: "'Greetings?'"
Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."
"Vacation At Fred's Landing":
(The car won't start.)
Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."
Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."
"Vacation At Fred's Landing":
Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"
Ed: "I can't get the car started."
"A Weighty Problem Part 1":
Ralph (knocking on door): "Got any mashed potatoes out there?"
(Door opens.)
Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes out there?"
Cook: "We don't even have anything else to throw away."
"Flushing Ho":
Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."
Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."
"On Stage":
Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."
Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."
“In 25 Words Or Less":
(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)
Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."
Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."
Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."
"Ship Of Fools":
Ed: "I went to Europe once."
Man: "Did you enjoy it?"
Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."