I'm in love with this really sweet, wonderful woman I've known for over a year but she has a boyfriend already. I realized I loved her when, about a year ago, she told me she hoped to marry her boyfriend and I chose to let her do so because I wanted her to be happy.

She's engaged now, and the wedding is this summer. I've had to go through the pain of loving someone who doesn't love me back, and even though I'm still friends with her, I can't tell her how I feel. How could I still be friends with her?
I don't know how I'm going to recover from this blow, especially when I knew she was taken and fell in love with her anyway. She didn't break my heart; I broke my own.

I feel pretty miserable now. . . . :(

I surely know the pain of unrequited love Steve and you may not want to hear it but, the best thing is to let her go; shes already told you she loves the man that shes about to marry. If you REALLY care for her all you can do is wish her happiness and go your own way....it would be best for all involved.

I only know I love her because I'm letting her go, but I hope I can at least remain friends with her, because she's worth holding onto as a friend.

Her brother told her she's lucky to have a friend like me. :)

Thats cool :)...hey , who knows, maybe youll meet a nice girl at the wedding ;)

Thats cool :)...hey , who knows, maybe youll meet a nice girl at the wedding ;)


Yes, my ladyfriend has several nice friends of her own. Maybe I can hit it off with one of them. :)

Forgive me, Steve, I must echo Mikado's words. (Ugh, your story does ring a bell.)

I'm not saying women and men can't be friends, but in my (bitter) experience it's impossible if the guy feels something more. Other women -- that's the way to go. :) :)

Good luck and happy hunting! :)

------
Alex

Thats a good idea, you might meet someone at the wedding :D If you think optimisticly, good things will happen. I understand what you mean, and a married man/woman needs good friends to hold on to, and you sound to be about the best one she has. Why don't you tell her that? Tell her that you really want to remain friends with her, and continue to stay in touch. She won't know unless you tell her. And she will most likely think the same way you do.

Thats a good idea, you might meet someone at the wedding :D If you think optimisticly, good things will happen. I understand what you mean, and a married man/woman needs good friends to hold on to, and you sound to be about the best one she has. Why don't you tell her that? Tell her that you really want to remain friends with her, and continue to stay in touch. She won't know unless you tell her. And she will most likely think the same way you do.


I plan to do just that!

I was able to meet one woman already because of her. This other woman went out with me on the stregnth of her recommendation.

I know the feeling. :( But I agree, you should just let her go and find a cutie at the wedding to talk to. :) If you tell her, it'll start drama between you, her fiance, and her, so it's best to just keep it to yourself and try to get over her.

I hope I didn't sound to harsh. :mrtarver:

I never get personal on these boards, but hey what the hell since I sympathize with what your going though......I make this as brief and consise as possible.....shortly I am now 45, never been married and am "one of the nice guys", with that humor that women always claim they want, in fact I am a comedy televsion writer/producer with a fantastic job for the last 28 years, I am in good shape but not muscular and never had a woman admit to any things like your not attractive enough, so I'm guessing I'm good looking enough. I have been though 4 "serious relationships".......more about that later....20 years ago, I met a woman though work that blew me away, we did the usual happy chat, and became friends...I was on the verge of ending my first real girlfriend relationship of 5 years.....so yes I was looking....anyway we became friends, she had a boyfirend for 6 months, that all she ever did from minute one was complain about him, he was violent, though food, screamed at her, etc. She always told me I was so sweet, etc. We went out off and on as friends for many years, we never quite connected our schedules, when I was available, she wouldn't commit, bottom line she never left the guy, married him 5 years ago....last year a 8 year, 8 month realtionship ended suddenly, I was devastated...without warning my gf (who I was living with, she didn't want to get married) came in and said "I don't love you anymore".....after months of shock, I started to get consolement from my old dear friend of nearly 20 years, she was still misserable with this guy.......I decided to put it on the line.....I said, look I have been in love with you for 20 years!!!! dreamed of marrying you, I can buy you a home in NJ with cash and treat you like an angel for life...as long as you think you can give it a try and see if you can fall in love with me back...again this woman had always said for the 20 years, I was the sweetest, most wonderful guy in the world...we agreed it would not go beyond just occasionally social time...no kissing, no sex.....since she was married...I agreed...she said let's give it a year....it worked for 2 months....she actually said she could fall in love with me, etc.....then all of a sudden she was guilt ridden, backed out of everything and that was it....we took several months to get confortable around eachother again, but I still care for her deeply but it took me to finally say to her, I have loved you for 20 years, put all my dreams and fantasies on the table, have her officially turn me down for me to get over her....I still adore her, but not in the same heart pounding excitement way.....so I say go for it, but if she seems happy and in love with her future husband, then she probably just doesn't feel enough chemistry with you......I have met many women who seem not be able to just be honest and hurt our feelings even, they string you along, they like the flattery and attention and use men as a backup plan....all along if my friend had said....look I will never think of you that way...I would have been much happier for the past 20 years instead she always gave me some hope, even though I never admitted total secret crush/love until recently as stated before...but she knew since day 3 of knowing her, I was very much smitten by her, she claimed she didn't know....BS...everytime we went out, I sent roses, etc.

Anyway I hope that helps, or maybe I needed to vent.....after my 8 year relationship ended, I pursued my friend, after that failed I met a night nurse while getting back surgery who was 17 years younger than me (I know what a fantasy guys), but again I am sincere and didn't care about that....the moment I saw her, of course I was on morphine...I had some type of "where have you been all my life" moment (not based on lust)...anyway after 3 nights I gave her my contact info, she gave hers..I asked her if she was single, she said yes with no boyfriend......by the way, she was gorgeous and from poland.....right after getting out of the hospital, I contacted her, we went for coffee...it went well.....we kept emailing...planned more dates....halfway throught the nearly 8 month relationship, she tells she is married!!!!!! and living with him for immigration reasons!!!! This was two weeks after I dropped $500 on her for birthday presents!!!!!!!

my advice right now for all men is.....fill in the rest for yourself.....lol!!!!!!!! currently happily single and planning a trip to vegas....Nice guys finish last!!!!!

BTW, I know my very long post above is filled with typos, etc...but it was a spur of the moment post and I am much more articulate and can spell very well but was in a hurry....lol......

Nice guys finish last!!!!!
Tell me about it!!!!! =_='

BTW, I know my very long post above is filled with typos, etc...but it was a spur of the moment post and I am much more articulate and can spell very well but was in a hurry....lol......

Don't worry, TeeVee, I'm happy to hear you out. That's what we're here for. Sorry nothing ever worked out for you. :(

My ladyfriend and I have what I call an Archie-Betty relationship, with one key difference. . . .

I'm Betty! :eek:

Betty hmmm.....well, maybe you should try a sex-change (just kidding Steve ;) )

Personally, I always thought Archie should have dumped that Witch Veronica, and went back to Betty (Who was his GF, until Veronica moved to town and stole him from the perky blonde) (See Archie comics from 1941 to 43)

I'm very sorry, Steve. :(

Forgive me, Steve, I must echo Mikado's words. (Ugh, your story does ring a bell.)

I'm not saying women and men can't be friends, but in my (bitter) experience it's impossible if the guy feels something more. Other women -- that's the way to go. :) :)

Good luck and happy hunting! :)

------
Alex
I have to agree with this post. There is this guy who considers himself my friend, but in his heart and mind he is hoping I will dump my guy for him someday. He is my friend just hoping that one day I will "see the light" and jump into his arms. He was there for me when I was going through my divorce, but I soon realized he loved me and was hoping, just hoping I may fall for him. I can't be his friend knowing he feels this way abt me. When I see him at a store or somewhere, I can see it in his eyes that he can't let me go. He always says things like, "Come on over and visit me, bring your boyfriend if you want." Like I am going to do that. A woman knows when a guy is just a friend and when he has more in his heart than that. It can cause friction and you may end up being ignored. Do yourself a favor and wish her the best of luck in her marriage and then just leave her be. I know your heart will ache and it hurts like hell, but you are not doing yourself any favors by being her friend and "hanging out" or socializing when you know deep in your heart it is not what you want.

I am sure you will be able to find a special woman who can give you what you deserve in return, and it won't be a broken heart. ;)

I have to agree with this post. There is this guy who considers himself my friend, but in his heart and mind he is hoping I will dump my guy for him someday. He is my friend just hoping that one day I will "see the light" and jump into his arms. He was there for me when I was going through my divorce, but I soon realized he loved me and was hoping, just hoping I may fall for him. I can't be his friend knowing he feels this way abt me. When I see him at a store or somewhere, I can see it in his eyes that he can't let me go. He always says things like, "Come on over and visit me, bring your boyfriend if you want." Like I am going to do that. A woman knows when a guy is just a friend and when he has more in his heart than that. It can cause friction and you may end up being ignored. Do yourself a favor and wish her the best of luck in her marriage and then just leave her be. I know your heart will ache and it hurts like hell, but you are not doing yourself any favors by being her friend and "hanging out" or socializing when you know deep in your heart it is not what you want.

I am sure you will be able to find a special woman who can give you what you deserve in return, and it won't be a broken heart. ;)

Irene, why can't you be friends with this guy, just becasue he has feelings for you? I would think that you and he could still be friends. No matter how he feels, nobody should have to lose a friend or be ignored. :(

Irene, why can't you be friends with this guy, just becasue he has feelings for you? I would think that you and he could still be friends. No matter how he feels, nobody should have to lose a friend or be ignored. :(
Because he did tell me one too many times he loves me. I told him I don't feel the same way. Yet, when he sees me, he wants to hug me, he looks "lovingly" in my eyes, it is not the kind of looks a regular guy friend would or should do to a person who is supposedly just a friend. I am only giving this guy false hopes if I were to be his friend because he wants more. He is just waiting around for the day I may say, "I love you too." Besides, I would not want my boyfriend to be "friends" with another female if she had feelings for him, so I would not do that to my boyfriend.

Because he did tell me one too many times he loves me. I told him I don't feel the same way. Yet, when he sees me, he wants to hug me, he looks "lovingly" in my eyes, it is not the kind of looks a regular guy friend would or should do to a person who is supposedly just a friend. I am only giving this guy false hopes if I were to be his friend because he wants more. He is just waiting around for the day I may say, "I love you too." Besides, I would not want my boyfriend to be "friends" with another female if she had feelings for him, so I would not do that to my boyfriend.

I see what you mean. I'm sure his feelings were putting you in an awkward position. I am sorry about that.

I see what you mean. I'm sure his feelings were putting you in an awkward position. I am sorry about that.
Don't be sorry Mike, you asked a question. Simple as that. I would rather you ask then be wondering what I meant by my post. ;)

Because this woman is so important to me - she's been a very good friend to me, and I've helped her a lot too - I can't let let her know I love her. I don't want to sacrifice our friendship. I know she cares about me but doesn't care for me.

Besides, I don't want to disappoint her brother. See my earlier post.

Also, I'd ratrer lose a hundred girlfriends than lose her her friendship or her trust.

Because this woman is so important to me - she's been a very good friend to me, and I've helped her a lot too - I can't let let her know I love her. I don't want to sacrifice our friendship. I know she cares about me but doesn't care for me.

Besides, I don't want to disappoint her brother. See my earlier post.

Also, I'd ratrer lose a hundred girlfriends than lose her her friendship or her trust.

In that case (please allow me to say this) do try to find another girlfriend, one you can potentially fall in love with -- without complications -- as quickly as possible. Just to lose that unspeakable feeling in the back of your mind, and then you can be friends with this girl, without the pressure of your present feelings and without the sense of self-sacrifice and self-pity. And, you know, chances are that this girl knows exactly what you think of her -- but she likes you and puts up with you because you have rigorously kept your self-control. But really friends shouldn't feel that anything they do for each other, no matter how much, comes at an emotional cost.

I'd like to say again that I've been in exactly your situation: twice in a row. I didn't have your self-control, so things ended badly in both cases, but the only thing that helped in the end was to become involved with someone free of other attachments.

Again, happy hunting :)

marriage is the lulz.

And, you know, chances are that this girl knows exactly what you think of her -- but she likes you and puts up with you because you have rigorously kept your self-control. But really friends shouldn't feel that anything they do for each other, no matter how much, comes at an emotional cost.

I think you're right. I have shown affection for her once in a blue moon, but mostly I have kept my self-control. I've helped her out a bit with her problems, and she greatly appreciates it.

She's usually too busy to see me or her other friends, so that's actually helped me keep my self-control.

I think you're right. I have shown affection for her once in a blue moon, but mostly I have kept my self-control. I've helped her out a bit with her problems, and she greatly appreciates it.

She's usually too busy to see me or her other friends, so that's actually helped me keep my self-control.
I am sure she knows how you feel. My "friend" started out as a friend. He then developed feelings and he also helped me out when I needed it, during my marriage and after. He helped me out with my problems. Believe me, friends are friends, but a woman knows when a man has more than friendship on his mind. If you love someone, it is very hard to keep your feelings hidden. You may say or do things that you may think aren't obvious, but to the person for whom you have the love for, will figure it out eventually. You aren't doing yourself any favors. You can be friends from a distance and without any contact. Believe me, the sooner you start pulling yourself away from her, the easier it will become for those feelings to ease. Like I said, you may be in control, I mean, you can't go up and kiss her, you can't hold her in your arms, but there are other signals you may not realize you are giving off. She may end up avoiding you and ignoring you, pretty much like I have done with my friend. And that is sad.

I am sure she knows how you feel. My "friend" started out as a friend. He then developed feelings and he also helped me out when I needed it, during my marriage and after. He helped me out with my problems. Believe me, friends are friends, but a woman knows when a man has more than friendship on his mind. If you love someone, it is very hard to keep your feelings hidden. You may say or do things that you may think aren't obvious, but to the person for whom you have the love for, will figure it out eventually. You aren't doing yourself any favors. You can be friends from a distance and without any contact. Believe me, the sooner you start pulling yourself away from her, the easier it will become for those feelings to ease. Like I said, you may be in control, I mean, you can't go up and kiss her, you can't hold her in your arms, but there are other signals you may not realize you are giving off. She may end up avoiding you and ignoring you, pretty much like I have done with my friend. And that is sad.

Big Shout out to my friend Irene, well said!!......my story found in this thread is very similar...Irene has been on the other end of this situation, women know....your friend knows how you feel, just like mine did......but it took me to tell her everything for me to FINALLY MOVE ON (I had plenty of relationships while being "friends" but always secretly yearned to be with her) now we are confortable friends again! Again good luck, but bottom line is she probably doesn't feel the same chemistry and never will.....just like when you meet a woman who you know is into you...you definately know it, you don't have to question yourself.

So far she hasn't avoided me. I did actually kiss her once, but if she had taken that as a sign of my feelings for her, she would have cut me off a long time ago.

She's married now. . . .

I wasn't able to attend the wedding. :( :(

She's married now. . . .

I wasn't able to attend the wedding. :( :(


You didn't attend? Was it because you couldn't bear to see it happen?


(I think we've all gone thru this or similar so I'm interested to see how things go).

You didn't attend? Was it because you couldn't bear to see it happen?


(I think we've all gone thru this or similar so I'm interested to see how things go).
that was why i didn't go to my best friend's wedding, even though he'd promised me about a month earlier that his marriage wouldn't last and he'd marry me if we can work things out. his girlfriend kept stressing her realization of how much pain i was probably in, but then wanted me to be her bridesmaid. like hell. i defaced their wedding picture and cropped a picture of myself in next to her to make fun of the idea. she'd been annoying me anyway.
i live such a crazy life.

that was why i didn't go to my best friend's wedding, even though he'd promised me about a month earlier that his marriage wouldn't last and he'd marry me if we can work things out. his girlfriend kept stressing her realization of how much pain i was probably in, but then wanted me to be her bridesmaid. like hell. i defaced their wedding picture and cropped a picture of myself in next to her to make fun of the idea. she'd been annoying me anyway.
i live such a crazy life.


Love sure can be complicated can't it? I couldn't begin to tell you what's happened to me that way this past year.

Sarah, I know this will be hard for you to hear, but you're smart and pretty enough that you deserve more. What kind of a guy would marry someone "knowing" it won't last and then lining someone else up on the side (you) saying that he'll marry you. You should never allow yourself to be "second choice" or to have to wait. That's not the way to start a marriage at all and it would only end up in disaster.
You've fought too hard over the years to even survive. It's time you realize that you deserve someone who will make you number 1 to them. And I know you will. You're young - no need to rush into marriage - believe me, when you're least expecting it, someone amazing will come into your life, but if you're holding on to the past too much, you won't be able to see it. Free yourself for other opportunities. ;)

Luv ya Sarah!
Cath

Well, in my case, my ladyfriend couldn't invite me because she lives in New York, she's self-employed, and money was too tight for her to invite all of her friends. So I wasn't invited. And as far as I know, a mutual friend of ours - whom she meet after she met me - wasn't invited either.

Love sure can be complicated can't it? I couldn't begin to tell you what's happened to me that way this past year.

Sarah, I know this will be hard for you to hear, but you're smart and pretty enough that you deserve more. What kind of a guy would marry someone "knowing" it won't last and then lining someone else up on the side (you) saying that he'll marry you. You should never allow yourself to be "second choice" or to have to wait. That's not the way to start a marriage at all and it would only end up in disaster.
You've fought too hard over the years to even survive. It's time you realize that you deserve someone who will make you number 1 to them. And I know you will. You're young - no need to rush into marriage - believe me, when you're least expecting it, someone amazing will come into your life, but if you're holding on to the past too much, you won't be able to see it. Free yourself for other opportunities. ;)

Luv ya Sarah!
Cath
thanks. :) i agree, really. i think one would have to know him to understand that he just makes odd decisions sometimes and doesn't intend any harm, but at the same time, i don't think it's fair i should have to wait...i'm glad he loves me and all but he's made the situation really complicated.

thanks. :) i agree, really. i think one would have to know him to understand that he just makes odd decisions sometimes and doesn't intend any harm, but at the same time, i don't think it's fair i should have to wait...i'm glad he loves me and all but he's made the situation really complicated.


He sounds IDENTICAL to my "estranged" husband. Over the years some of his decisions have been incredible. I kept saying that his intentions are good, but he has bad judgement at times - yet, why is it that WE seem to be affected by these bad judgements more than anyone else.
I totally hear ya - it's amazing how love will make you hang onto something even though you pay the price by getting pulled down by them.

Actually, I'm giving you advice that I should take myself - but it is easier said than done isn't it?! Makes you wonder sometimes if we're not trying for sainthood or something doesn't it?! ;)