I don't know how to start so here goes....

I just got a call from my Uncle letting me know that my mother had killed herself. Trouble is, I feel nothing. This is the same woman who abandoned her family seventeen years ago, my brother was sixteen and my twin sister and I were nine. Since she left us, my brother and I screwed up our lives(I have recovered from my hard partying ways six years ago) and all we needed was our mother's love....

I'm having a hard time with this and i'm 89% sure that I won't be attending her funeral. She didn't attend my brother's NOR my sister's funeral, NOR checked up on the family to see if they were okay. She didn't attend my wedding nor had the chance to see her grandchildren. She missed out on so many things and the only time she wants to talk to me is when she wants something after choosing her career and another man over us.

Long story short, do I attend her funeral or not? My father and my stepmother is thinking about going and my husband and uncle are trying to get me to go, but I don't know...What should I do?

First of all sweetie, I am so sorry for what you just found out. My heart goes out to you. What shocking news. I know you mentioned your rift with your mother and I felt your pain.

My opinion, I think somewhere down the road you may regret not having gone to her funeral. I feel you can say your private goodbyes to her. It is no one's business whether you go or not. It is your decision. I can't talk for your mother, but only she knows why she did what she did. She lost out on her beautiful children and grandchildren. It was her loss. Whatever demons she may have dealt with obviously interfered with her judgment and common sense.

You do what you think is best FOR YOU. Don't let others dictate what you should do. I just feel this will be your chance to make peace with yourself and hopefully release all that anger that you have inside. Don't let that hate put so much weight on your shoulders, and most of all, your heart. Let it go.

First of all sweetie, I am so sorry for what you just found out. My heart goes out to you. What shocking news. I know you mentioned your rift with your mother and I felt your pain.

My opinion, I think somewhere down the road you may regret not having gone to her funeral. I feel you can say your private goodbyes to her. It is no one's business whether you go or not. It is your decision. I can't talk for your mother, but only she knows why she did what she did. She lost out on her beautiful children and grandchildren. It was her loss. Whatever demons she may have dealt with obviously interfered with her judgment and common sense.

You do what you think is best FOR YOU. Don't let others dictate what you should do. I just feel this will be your chance to make peace with yourself and hopefully release all that anger that you have inside. Don't let that hate put so much weight on your shoulders, and most of all, your heart. Let it go.

Thank you so much. Her brother wouldn't say why she did it but my husband pointed out that she might have did it because I shut her out a couple of years ago when she tried to talk to me and that she wasn't there at her kids funeral. He said if my father is going, why can't I?

I'm almost thinking about going for the respect of my grandmother who lost her only daughter but I also have a gig that same day in Miami, the way my mother treated us, my gig seems imporant.

I've been trying to heal for the last six years. I'm really tired of my family members dying so tragically(my brother overdosed in the late '90's and my sister died on 9/11.), it hurts so much. She knew the things my brother and I got into in the '90's and eariler on this decade but she did not once bother to see how we were doing nor did she visit me when I was in rehab but her boyfriend came out to see me.:(

I will PM you.

I will PM you.

That's cool.

Maybe by going, you can find some closure. Maybe help ease the anger? I dunno, I don't suppose it would ease mine if I were in your shoes...I hold massive grudges...but it's something to consider.

It's pretty sad what she did to your family; maybe by going you could also show you are a bigger person than she was by not attending her own children's funerals.

Maybe by going, you can find some closure. Maybe help ease the anger? I dunno, I don't suppose it would ease mine if I were in your shoes...I hold massive grudges...but it's something to consider.

It's pretty sad what she did to your family; maybe by going you could also show you are a bigger person than she was by not attending her own children's funerals.
I agree with that - please keep us posted, sweetie. You're amongst friends here - LOYAL friends!! :bighug:

Maybe by going, you can find some closure. Maybe help ease the anger? I dunno, I don't suppose it would ease mine if I were in your shoes...I hold massive grudges...but it's something to consider.

It's pretty sad what she did to your family; maybe by going you could also show you are a bigger person than she was by not attending her own children's funerals.

That's my problem, I hold massive grudges too, a few years ago, I just got over something a friend did in 1991.

I think I will go, it may shock a few people but I will go. Funny thing is, no one would tell me why she did it or how she did it. My uncle hesitated while my mother's boyfriend will change the subject.

My five year old overheard my husband and I talking and she wants to go because she never got to meet her grandmother. I'm still not over her not attending her kids funeral even though she knew they passed.

I agree with that - please keep us posted, sweetie. You're amongst friends here - LOYAL friends!! :bighug:

:)

Thank you so much. I'm not saddened by her death for some reason, just..confused.

I'm really sorry, FactoryGirl.

I understand why you wouldn't want to go, and ultimately, the decision is up to you. I agree, though, that it might help if you went - you might be able to come to terms with your mother, somewhat. You may regret not going later on, if you choose not to.

So sorry to hear that factory girl. I too think it would be good for you to go. There may be some regret down the road if you didn't and just by you going to her funeral doesn't mean that she was a good mother. Plus other family members who are going would appreciate you being there as a means of support for them. Best wishes.

So Sorry to hear about your Loss you got my thoughts and prayers with you and you're Family.

I'm so sorry to hear that, and my deepest sympathies to you and your family.
As to whether you should go or not to the funeral; it's really your decision.

I'm very sorry.

I really want to thank you all so much. It really means alot to me. There are not too many kind people in my life so the support on this board really shocked me.

I'm going to go to New York on Friday along with my husband and my two kids. I canceled my upcoming gig in Miami to go to my mother's funeral and they completely understood.

I wish it was easy for me to forgive, but i'm a stubborn person. I should go back to church again, but I haven't gone in seventeen years, I really need the love of God, a man that I shut out of my life.

I truly believe that all of the bad things in my life(my brother's overdosed, my sister dying, my drug and alcohol abuse as well as my hard partying days, my mother leaving us, and now her death) is making me a lot stronger than I use to, but I can't help feeling that my life is cursed. I actually cried today, and I haven't cried in a long time, it felt good to cry. I cried because of all the things she missed out on and her suicide, my uncle's wife finally told me how she did it and why, and that will remain with me for the rest of my life!

I'm very sorry for your loss. It might help to talk to someone about it, maybe someone in the clergy or whomever you'd feel comfortable with. We went through this with my husband's brother and it was so hard on everyone. You just keep asking why and could I have done something to keep it from happening. But sometimes there just isn't any answers. It does get better with the passage of time though. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

You are not cursed. You have family and friends who love you. Be strong.

I don't have time to post enough here, I read your story and was just so touched. I was going to say you will not regret going to the funeral but my regret not going and it will be too late to take that back. I see you made the decision to go and I hope it helps you heal. I want to ask where your sister died, but I guess that is being really insensitive. I just do not no anybody that lost someone in 9/11. I think you are one brave girl!!!

Hey first off my condolences to you and your family :(
I totally understand if you don't wanna go it's not a bad thing. Just pray for her you don't have to go to the funeral.

Please keep us posted - and remember we're always here for you!! :bighug:

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. You have been through so much. You are strong young women. I wish you well.

I'm sorry to hear. :( All my sympathies out to you and your family. :bighug:

Please keep us posted - and remember we're always here for you!! :bighug:
Yes, please let us know how you are doing. I know obviously you are not here because of what happened. But like Monika says, we are here for you. :bighug:

I sound like a broken record when I say, thanks to you all!!!

I'm in New York right now and I just need to get my mind off of so many things right now, so i'm here.....

So many things came to light today, first, I realized that me and my mother were almost alike in so many ways. Like a drug habit I didn't know about, she was also a party girl back in the 1970's and one of the reasons she left us was that her demons came back to haunt her, she was clean by the time my sis and I were born but the old her was slowly coming back.... my first thought when I found out(too late by the way) "Oh my god! What if my old demons came back? Will I leave my family like she did?"

Everyone praised her today for being a beautiful woman(and she was), a smart lady, and a talented artist(I never knew she loved art.) I sat there and cried all today and i'm not a crier. She was struggling with leaving us, and the fact that two of her kids died and she was too selfish to pay her respects. She felt dirty for not being there for her kids during their darkest hours(my brother and I) and felt the way I used to be was her fault and how she passed it on to me.

Oh my god, she looked so beautiful lying there in the coffin. She looked about the way I remembered her but older. I really wished she never walked out on us, she could have her career while being a wife and mom and she could have got help, but it was her pride.:(

She was in a very dark place. I think we can all suffer from different depths of depression. As bad as what ones depression can be, imagine it worse. It is such a deep black dark hole. Something some just can not get out of. I will never judge anyone with mental illness. I think it is the worst illness there is. People think you can snap out of it. You can not.
I am glad you saw your beautiful mom.
If nothing else she gave you life and you were able to have beautiful children that have brought you joy. We are here for such a short time. Let go of the bad, and enjoy each day. Whats the alternative? There are no second chances. I get caught up in such bullcrap sometimes I need to slap myself. Like that Mom is doing more, she has a better car, her kid plays tennis, should my kid play tennis. Then I breathe. And remember today could be my last day. Enjoy it.
Keep in touch, and not that it would matter to you. I am proud of you. :) :) :)

I know you keep saying your mom was too selfish to pay her respects. I know I don't know what went on in your mom's life and your family's life, but it could be that she was ashamed of what she had done. She probably couldn't face you and the family for the shame she caused, what you all would say to her (or not say to her)...just my opinion, but of course, only your mom knows what she felt inside. She probably figured if she showed up she would cause a fight or argument of some sort.

I can't get rid of that thumbs up.
I look like a ass.
Sorry!:eek:

She was in a very dark place... I'm now thinking that she felt that she couldn't put her family through the bull she was going through. Now my fear is, what if I get tempted like her? We almost went through the same thing, just a decade or two apart.

Irene-I think you are right because it all came into the light that my dad's family wasn't too fond of her since the start(they called her a 'whore' and didn't like her because she was African-American and Mexican) and my mom's brother told us that him and the fmaily had a few words with my dad's family, that if she showed up to my brother's funeral(and sister's memorial, since we couldn't have a PROPER funeral for her..:mad: ) that they would have tried to throw her out!

She was in a very dark place... I'm now thinking that she felt that she couldn't put her family through the bull she was going through. Now my fear is, what if I get tempted like her? We almost went through the same thing, just a decade or two apart.

Irene-I think you are right because it all came into the light that my dad's family wasn't too fond of her since the start(they called her a 'whore' and didn't like her because she was African-American and Mexican) and my mom's brother told us that him and the fmaily had a few words with my dad's family, that if she showed up to my brother's funeral(and sister's memorial, since we couldn't have a PROPER funeral for her..:mad: ) that they would have tried to throw her out!
Sometimes it is best for all intended to not attend a funeral if you know problems can arise. Emotions are running high, people can't necessarily think straight and if they already have hate towards someone or feelings that they have made clear out in the open, then it can turn ugly. Funerals should never be a place to air out dirty laundry but it has occurred and I am sure your mother was wise in her thinking when she debated whether to attend or not. She already had a negative things said towards her, imagine what was going through her mind when she thought abt going to her kids' funeral? Either way, she was screwed. Sorry for the poor choice or words, but really, she was damned if she did and damned if she didn't.

I know from my own painful experiences dealing with my father and grandmother, revelations came forward that made me see them in a different light. In my case, I saw that they were both doing the best they could--even if that best was still woefully inadequate--and left emotional scars it took years to work through.

I sounds like you learned more about why things happened the way they did and I hope having gone brings you closure and peace; showing up in similar situations borught it to me. My thoughts are with you.

I know from my own painful experiences dealing with my father and grandmother, revelations came forward that made me see them in a different light. In my case, I saw that they were both doing the best they could--even if that best was still woefully inadequate--and left emotional scars it took years to work through.

I sounds like you learned more about why things happened the way they did and I hope having gone brings you closure and peace; showing up in similar situations borught it to me. My thoughts are with you.

I'm glad that your father's and grandmother's revelations were positive, not too many revelations are.

Not only are the revelations are bringing me somewhat of a closure, but so are looking through old family albums and home movies of us, when there were five of us. Those are the memories I want to remember. I knew we weren't like the Huxtables or the Keatons, but the memories of us was really sweet. Looking back at those movies and pictures, it makes me feel not just happy, but also like that was another world for me. It's just two now instead of five.

I'm happy that you seemed to come to terms with a lot of demons. I'm also glad that you got to know much more about your mom. Take care, sweetie!! :bighug:

I'm happy that you seemed to come to terms with a lot of demons. I'm also glad that you got to know much more about your mom. Take care, sweetie!! :bighug:

:thanks: :bighug:

My condolences on your loss. I'm coming up to six years in March for losing my mother, and my heart aches every single day. I hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time.

My condolences on your loss. I'm coming up to six years in March for losing my mother, and my heart aches every single day. I hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time.

:thanks:

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. Hopefully time will heal, and I hope you had a good relationship with your mother. I really wished that I did, if we did, we have helped each other out. I just wished I knew how bad she was hurting after she left us.