TJL
12-29-2006, 08:14 PM
From the Home Depot parking lot in Sayreville New Jersey. It’s the 2006 Hawkeye Awards!
And here is your host for the evening, a legend in his own mind …TJL!
Thank you! I just flew in from Namibia and boy are my arms tired!
But seriously, folks, welcome to the Hawkeye Awards, where we celebrate the people that made 2006 more frightening than a car ride with Britney Spears and her kid at the wheel!!
What a year it has been! So many questions to be answered…
Which partying Pop Princess or uber hyped celebrity couple left the biggest impression on us this year?
Has an adopted African baby replaced the tiny dog as the hot celebrity fashion accessory?
Do I weigh more than Nicole Richie and Kate Bosworth combined?
These questions and many more will be answered tonight when we bestow upon a lucky few the coveted Benjamin Franklin Pierce Award For Achievement in Excellence, which can also be used to open the tightest jar or lid in your kitchen!
And awaaaay we go!
Best Use Of The Word “Sorry” – Without a doubt, Mel Gibson And Michael Richard’s “dueling racists” act was proof positive that Turrets Syndrome can affect anyone regardless of how rich and famous they are. Who would have thought that the son of a Holocaust denier and a guy who crashes into stuff on a sitcom were a tad unstable?
The Reality Show Waiting To Happen Award goes to Kevin Federline and Bobby Brown!
Finally, Britney Spears and Whitney Houston snapped the hell out of it and kicked these two freeloading imbeciles to the curb. These two should rent a house together and have a camera crew follow them around as they try to convince people that their marriages to famous singers entitles them to jump the line at the job interviews at Target.
I’d Rather Stick and Ice Pick In My Ear Than Listen To You Song Again – “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt. Jimmy, you are the Dan Fogelburg of the 21st century.
I’ll bet your parents will think that joke is funny.
Finally, we’d like to wrap up this segment with a special “in memoriam” tribute something near and dear to us, which passed on this year.
Underwear.
Underwear passed away from lack of use this year, as pop tarts and celebutants alike tossed aside the restrictive garment and went “al fresco” to the all clubs and parties.
Underwear, we will miss your frilly heart and machine washable soul.
Stay tuned! Up next we have William Shatner, Dick Cheney, Fergie, The Sitcoms Online Orchestra and the cast of “Lost” admitting they have no freaking idea what their show is about when the 2006 Hawkeye Awards continues!
;)
And here is your host for the evening, a legend in his own mind …TJL!
Thank you! I just flew in from Namibia and boy are my arms tired!
But seriously, folks, welcome to the Hawkeye Awards, where we celebrate the people that made 2006 more frightening than a car ride with Britney Spears and her kid at the wheel!!
What a year it has been! So many questions to be answered…
Which partying Pop Princess or uber hyped celebrity couple left the biggest impression on us this year?
Has an adopted African baby replaced the tiny dog as the hot celebrity fashion accessory?
Do I weigh more than Nicole Richie and Kate Bosworth combined?
These questions and many more will be answered tonight when we bestow upon a lucky few the coveted Benjamin Franklin Pierce Award For Achievement in Excellence, which can also be used to open the tightest jar or lid in your kitchen!
And awaaaay we go!
Best Use Of The Word “Sorry” – Without a doubt, Mel Gibson And Michael Richard’s “dueling racists” act was proof positive that Turrets Syndrome can affect anyone regardless of how rich and famous they are. Who would have thought that the son of a Holocaust denier and a guy who crashes into stuff on a sitcom were a tad unstable?
The Reality Show Waiting To Happen Award goes to Kevin Federline and Bobby Brown!
Finally, Britney Spears and Whitney Houston snapped the hell out of it and kicked these two freeloading imbeciles to the curb. These two should rent a house together and have a camera crew follow them around as they try to convince people that their marriages to famous singers entitles them to jump the line at the job interviews at Target.
I’d Rather Stick and Ice Pick In My Ear Than Listen To You Song Again – “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt. Jimmy, you are the Dan Fogelburg of the 21st century.
I’ll bet your parents will think that joke is funny.
Finally, we’d like to wrap up this segment with a special “in memoriam” tribute something near and dear to us, which passed on this year.
Underwear.
Underwear passed away from lack of use this year, as pop tarts and celebutants alike tossed aside the restrictive garment and went “al fresco” to the all clubs and parties.
Underwear, we will miss your frilly heart and machine washable soul.
Stay tuned! Up next we have William Shatner, Dick Cheney, Fergie, The Sitcoms Online Orchestra and the cast of “Lost” admitting they have no freaking idea what their show is about when the 2006 Hawkeye Awards continues!
;)