Haven't had a favorite lines thread in a while....

"There's an opening in men's underwear."
"You're just now finding that out?"

"If it's green it's trouble, if it's fried, get double."

"Heh heh heh heh FREEDOM!"

"Hello, my name is...Kyle Vein!"

"Oh, look, a church. Anyone feel like going to CONFESSION?!!"

"Men fall in love with women they're attracted to, while women are attracted to the men they love."
"Where'd I hear that? Oh, yeah, I read it on the back of a box of condoms."

"I could replace that dried up dude in the Rolling Stones."
"Which one?"
"The one that looks like he's been through a food dehydrator."
"Which one?"

"Apparently it's a crime to pee off of the lighthouse."

"Gee, Lucy, jue theen we can pull eet off?"

"I have a camera that shoots in the dark."
"I have a gun that does the same thing."

"I was born here, I live here, and I'm probably going to die here!"

"So how do you think President Carter's gonna handle the gas shortage?"

"Hey, do you mind takin' a picture of my pee pee in front of the lighthouse?"

"Oooh, yeah, that's the big hotel with the small elevator that never goes up."

"No, no, not even if I liked you, no."

Could go on and on :).

"Jeez Joe, why don't you get out your 6 shooter and fire at her feet!"

"If if's and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a wonderful Christmas."

"You know what's better than makeup sex? Makeup sex again."
"How mad are you?"
"Furious."

"Oh my God I just ate a Rolaid from the 70's."

"I can see it now, the thrilla in vanilla!"

"Unless she's the local mail-ox rep I'm not interested."

"Jeez Joe, why don't you get out your 6 shooter and fire at her feet!"

I love that line Rebel Jess!!!!!!!!! Hands down one of my favorite episodes!

Haha, heck yeah. Frustrating yet so fun to watch! :lol:

"Oh, forgive me! I just thought we could use a break from your 'All the good men are married or gay' speech."

"It's a sad country when anyone can just walk up to a counter and buy meat."

"I'm the tired I've everest been!"

"I wonder how long trout live in trees..."

"I have a human organ in my hands and I don't know what to do with it!"

"She's LYING! I'm clumsy, I'm inexperienced... I don't even know where everything is!"

"Stab the plane and the cello here gets it."

I know there are many more great ones :lol:

Lots of good ones have already been named. I love the "tired I've everest been" one, I always think of it at work when I'm exhausted, hehe. The quote in my sig is a classic, as well as Roy's line, "It's a non-smoking flight. Think you can make it, Chappel?" (That was after Helen had slept with Joe right before they got engaged.) Oh, and from the same ep, "Gee, in my day, the night you got engaged, you slept with your fiance." "I've played this game before, Roy, and trust me, Ann-Margaret's the answer to one of these questions!" "You've had six days of ground school. You know a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff about LIFT!"

OK, I think that covered all of them. LOL.

I just remembered two great exchanges from Nuptials Off.

(Brian, Helen and Antonio are headed for Mexico. Brian appears with his date.)
Helen: "You're bringing a date along to my divorce?"
Brian: "Why not? I brought one to mine."

(Helen and Antonio are talking with the priest.)
Priest: "So how's your sex life?"
Antonio: "Well..."
Helen: "He's terrible!" (She said something like that. I can't remember.)
Antonio: "Oh yeah? Well you try pleasing HER!!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: I love that episode.

I just remembered two great exchanges from Nuptials Off.

(Brian, Helen and Antonio are headed for Mexico. Brian appears with his date.)
Helen: "You're bringing a date along to my divorce?"
Brian: "Why not? I brought one to mine."

(Helen and Antonio are talking with the priest.)
Priest: "So how's your sex life?"
Antonio: "Well..."
Helen: "He's terrible!" (She said something like that. I can't remember.)
Antonio: "Oh yeah? Well you try pleasing HER!!!"

:lol: :lol: :lol: I love that episode.

Me, too. Def. one of the funniest of the series. Isn't that also the same ep. where Lowell goes, "Help me with the bats, Joe!"? hehe

Yeah, it's the same one. Definitely one of the show's finest episodes. :lol: How Wings never got even just nominated for an Emmy or a Golden Globe, I'll never know :(

How could we forget the BEST line ever from that ep? "HELEN'S AT THE STORE!" hehe. Really classic Casey stuff there. :lol:

I love that line too :lol:

Another great one from that episode...

Helen: "You read Modern Bride?"
Joe: "Well, I'd read Modern Groom but they don't have that."

Roy: "You know what I do when I have a problem with a woman?"
Antonio: "Deflate her?"

"You wish you were over me! You wish you were allllll over me!"

I've been watching S3 again to get ready for S4 in a couple months. I think I heard this exchange in "Taming of the Shrew."

Brian:Fifteen percent of Americans would rather watch TV than have sex.
Roy:Yeah, that's about right. If you're too tired, or she's too....ugly.
BrianThe words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.

I may not have gotten it exactly, but it's still classic. :lol:

"Never talk to strangers unless you know them very well."

Lowell saying, "Hammer good, helmet sucks":) :)

Man, I started this thread almost two years ago. Zowie!

Yes, that one line: "There will be no smoking....or sex while in flight. Think you can make it Chappel?? (weezy Roy laugh)"

"Woooah! You could take the paint off a barge with that breath!"

"They have three kinds of sauces: Hot, Really Hot, and Gang Way."

That sauce quote is great, and reminded me of this as well...

"When I came back they cuffed me and booked me for suspicion."

"Why'd they arrest you Antonio?"

"They said when I came out of the bathroom I had a disoriented look on my face."

"You killed freakin' Larry!!!"

I've been watching S3 again to get ready for S4 in a couple months. I think I heard this exchange in "Taming of the Shrew."

Brian:Fifteen percent of Americans would rather watch TV than have sex.
Roy:Yeah, that's about right. If you're too tired, or she's too....ugly.
BrianThe words "too tired" aren't in my vocabulary, and frankly, Roy, I don't think the words "too ugly" should be in yours.

I may not have gotten it exactly, but it's still classic. :lol:

Right after that exchange between Roy & Brian -

Brian:Hey, Lowell, would you rather watch TV or have sex?
Lowell:Buy me dinner & the choice is yours.

From "I Love Brian" when Antonio is watching the I Love Lucy marathon -

Antonio:There is one thing that bothers me about this show.
Roy: What, that Ricky was in this country all these years and still had that annoying accent?
Antonio: What accent?

Helen: Don't pucker up like Dudley-Do-Right, just relax your lips.
__
Joe: You're alluring and desirable... and something else and when I sleep you dance through the Netherlands.
__

Joe: I played some ball in high school too.
Roy: Played semi-pro myself. Had guys like you for lunch.
Joe: (looking at Roy's belly) Must have had quite a few of them.
__

Gail: My editor did a hatchet job.
Helen: Is that the same guy who does your hair?
Gail: Big talk from someone whose roots are darker than Alex Haley's.
__

Antonio: For a while it was the only English I knew, "My goat knows the bowling score, hallelujah!"
Helen: Antonio, it's "Michael, row the boat ashore."
Antonio: Get out!
__
Roy: As far as I'm concerned, chicks are like buses. You miss one, another one will come along before you know it.
Brian: Your dates are very much like buses, Roy. They're loud, they belch smoke, and can be picked up pretty much on any street corner.
__
Lowell: "I like strippers too, even if they are my cousins."
__
Alex: "All right Ace, you win, I know when I've been licked."
Joe: "Oh, so last night is coming back to you.
__
Helen: "I could lose my lunch counter."
Roy: "You know, that would be a good name for this place, The You Could Lose Your Lunch Counter."
__
Antonio: "Well, your children are very lucky Lowell. All my father ever told me was, "You may not be strong, you may not be smart, but you sure a hairy little monkey."
__

Just a few! ;)

I heart this thread! Just reading all these quotes is making me laugh until my eyes are watery.

This is truly one of the best written, funniest shows of ALL time. Can't wait to get the 4th and 5th seasons on DVD for Christmas, hopefully.

Helen: "When a woman is having sex with her husband, the last thing she wants to hear him say is, 'How do I get out of this position?'"

I love that line, as you can prob. tell! *Points to sig* hehe

There's just so many great quotes and I can't remember all of my favorites word for word, but heres a few that stand out.

From the episode "Love is Like Pulling Teeth"

Roy: Be there or be stupid. Lowell, you can be both.


From the episode "The Key to Alex"

Roy: Grown men crying. Last time I cried I was 7 years old. My mom took me to see Bambi.

Lowell: I remember the time I cried. My parents took me downtown to see ordinary people.

Roy: Yeah, that was a sad movie.

Lowell: What movie?


Roy: My ex-wife was terribly jealous. Started on our honeymoon. If I so much as looked at another woman she'd get up, snatch the binoculars out of my hand, drag me back to bed.

:lol:

(Lowell enters wearing a blue bicycle suit.) Brian: "I think you're taking this whole safe sex thing just a little too seriously."


Antonio: "Lowell, you are looking very Smurf-like."

Whole cast simultaneously: "We quit"

Labor Pains
Joe:Lo,where's Gil?

(Gil bangs in the can)

Lo: (pretending to forget) hmm Gil,Gil.
------------------------------------------
Joe:Have you seen Antonio?

(Antonio bangs in the can)

Lo: (pretending to forget) hmm Antonio,Antonio.
:lol:

The one where they get the girl to talk to Antonio, not knowing she was a hooker, and then Antonio falls in love with her and wants to take her to Italy with him. Joe figures up how much it will cost him....

"No problem. I'll just go to the bank and take out one of their low-interest hooker loans!" :lol:

I haven't seen that many episodes of Wings yet, but some of my favorite lines that I seem to be saying all the time are: Carlton: Wait a second, this isn't daddy's watch and come to think of it, Millford doesn't have red hair...Maybe it was Las Cruses!"

from Goodbye, Old Friend
Brian: Helen, Helen, Helen?
Helen: HELEN'S NOT HERE ANYMORE!

:lol:

A bald man with a parasite, ooooh I'll have to beat the women off with a stick

Slap an overnight label on my butt and fedex me straight to Hell

Helen on her wedding day: I look like Hitler

I'm the LORD (brian)

after the house burns down:

KC:Is my room gone?
Helen: No surprisingly enough your second story room supported by no house at all is stil there

Helen to KC again: Get your fingers out of your ears grandma

sometimes it's not the lines its the delivery. This show is sooo funny

Biggins "Hey I was just having fun with him. The straw that broke the camels back was the bride of frankenstein over there asking Joe to carry her husbands corpse all over town!"

I believe this was from the series finale, but I'm not sure.

(Helen gets off the phone wildly excited while Antonio is even more glum than usual.)
Helen: Antonio! GUESS WHAT?!?
Antonio: Don't tell me, don't tell me . . . good news

Fay - "Help, I've got an organ in my hands and I don't know what to do with it."

and

Roy - "Let's face it, once a woman's been with Roy Biggins, she never wants to be with another man."
Antonio - "Sounds about right."

I know I probably don't have it exactly right!

Carlton: If dogs sweat through their tongues, then what are their arm pits for?

Roy's son: Dad no matter how many time I beat you at basketball I am still gay. Roy: shut up and pass me the ball.

When the coach at the high school died and Brian and Joe dressed him up as a lady while he was sleeping and took a picture.

Helen: Did you know coach died last night? Joe and Brian: ewwww we kissed a dead guy. Helen: say What.

Coach's son: I am free I am free, I can now live as my true identiy instead of hiding. I can now live as a crossdresser like my dad.

From "Das Plane," one of my all-time favorites.

Carlton:If a monkey bit you, what kind of drugs would they make you take?

(I know that's part of a longer bit, but I just think that question is so funny!)

"Say Uncle, Carlton"
Lewis:Say, you look like a local yokel. You think I got a shot with her? (Guestures toward Alex)
Brian:She's my girlfriend!
Lewis:Oh, then you would know!

hehehe

Carlton: If dogs sweat through their tongues, then what are their arm pits for?

Another one I love from Carlton -

"Heaven's to Betsy, For Pete's sake, for the love of Mike. Who are these people?!"

When the coach at the high school died and Brian and Joe dressed him up as a lady while he was sleeping and took a picture.

Helen: Did you know coach died last night? Joe and Brian: ewwww we kissed a dead guy. Helen: say What.

Coach's son: I am free I am free, I can now live as my true identiy instead of hiding. I can now live as a crossdresser like my dad.[/QUOTE]

I don't remember that last line. I thought the Coach's son said something like "Oh dad, if only I had known sooner, we could've shared so much" and then he ripped open the front of his shirt revealing a red lacy bra.

Another one I love from Carlton -

"Heaven's to Betsy, For Pete's sake, for the love of Mike. Who are these people?!"

When the coach at the high school died and Brian and Joe dressed him up as a lady while he was sleeping and took a picture.

Helen: Did you know coach died last night? Joe and Brian: ewwww we kissed a dead guy. Helen: say What.

Coach's son: I am free I am free, I can now live as my true identiy instead of hiding. I can now live as a crossdresser like my dad.

I don't remember that last line. I thought the Coach's son said something like "Oh dad, if only I had known sooner, we could've shared so much" and then he ripped open the front of his shirt revealing a red lacy bra.[/QUOTE]


That how his son said it. Thanks for setting me straight.

When Lowell goes through the seven stages of grief in about ten seconds.

Weeb Gilroy, his friend, died. Brian and Joe are talking and Brian says to Joe that Lowell just needs time to get over it. Brian goes over the five stages of grief with Joe---denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

At this point, Lowell walks in and says the following:

No, Weeb Gilroy is not dead."
"I'm mad as hell at Weeb for dying!"
"Although I'd do anything to get him back."
"Oh what's the use, he's gone."
"But, whattya gonna do?"

Then Brian says "And some go through it faster than others" (or something like that)

I love this episode, too. "Goodbye Old Friend" is definately on my top ten Wings episodes. I loved how the guys were taking care of Helen and they were throwing marshamellows at each other. My favorated lines from that episode was Brian's "s'mores are stupid, in fact they should call in s'stupids" and Helen, poor Helen was so sleepy and she grabs the marshmellow, "if you didn't want me to to go to sleep, why did you give me these tiny pilloows?" LOL

I'm going to go back at watch this episode

When Lowell goes through the seven stages of grief in about ten seconds.

Weeb Gilroy, his friend, died. Brian and Joe are talking and Brian says to Joe that Lowell just needs time to get over it. Brian goes over the five stages of grief with Joe---denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

At this point, Lowell walks in and says the following:

No, Weeb Gilroy is not dead."
"I'm mad as hell at Weeb for dying!"
"Although I'd do anything to get him back."
"Oh what's the use, he's gone."
"But, whattya gonna do?"

Then Brian says "And some go through it faster than others" (or something like that)

The Simpsons did the same joke in the episode where Homer thinks he has only 24 hours to live. Both are great scenes :lol:

poor Helen was so sleepy and she grabs the marshmellow, "if you didn't want me to to go to sleep, why did you give me these tiny pilloows?" LOL

Ah MAN that is one of my favorite episodes -- the three of them gathered around the table like kids, Joe squirting Helen with that watergun, everything about it!

Another fave: "Yeah, you WISH you were over me... you wish you were ALL over me." (It's an oldie but a goodie.) I've posted so many of these I can't even remember when or where, I think there's got to be another older thread on here that I did damage to once or twice. Oh, that reminds me, I need to start a new thread...

Another fave: "Yeah, you WISH you were over me... you wish you were ALL over me." (It's an oldie but a goodie.)

Ah yes, the "Ladies Who Lunch" episode. It definately is a classic. Joe's famous quote, "one minute we're slapping each other with meat, then it just got wierd" LOL. I'm going back to rewatch this episode right now

A couple of deep thoughts from Lowell...

"I wonder if Mr. Coffee is related to Mr. T."

"If you're driving down Sesame Street, won't you eventually turn onto Mr. Rogers' neighborhood?"

From "An Affair to Forget" (Season 5)

Helen: (after drinking a whole bottle of wine) "Pull over the car!"

Helen: Joe, oh no, I don't have any life lines! (Joe flips over her hand) Oh!

Joe: (Pretending to be a mime) I'd love to, except I can't seem to get out of this box!

From "A House to Die For"

Brian: (points at Casey) YOU! Didn't you hear me knocking on the door at 2 am yelling, "I lost my key, can you unlock the door you redheaded nightmare!"

I like when Joe wished Sandy Cooper a Meli Kalikimaka because he missed the last...Kalikimaka.

And Joe's tangelo discussion. I asked "what the hell is a tangelo?" the same time Brian did!

I was laughing so hard I was almost crying from that Lowell line about Sesame Street! :)

Brian: Why do they call them smores? That's such a stupid name, they should call them stupids!

What the hell? LOL!

Joe provoking Brian to the point where Brian gets upset and attack him in "Das Plane."
Joe: Oh, are you gonna cry about it? Gonna cry? Awww, you wanna cry?
Brian: (provoked and obviously peeved) POOPYHEAD!

(When Brian sunk the houseboat)
Brian: I sunk Lowell's houseboat.
Joe: (looks him up and down, relieved that Brian didn't sleep swith Alex) THANK GOD!

Joe: Brian thinks air is sexy.

Antonio: (complaining about a neighbor's leaf blower)I know people who know people...
Brian: Antonio, don't go that far...
Antonio: Well, one of them must have a place to stay...

(After Lowell insists Joe and Brian take Lowell back into their home)
Joe: I thought you said (imitating Antonio) in Italy, we take in friends in need?
Antonio: Italy doesn't have Lowell.

Joe: I'm going to say the same thing to you I said when I was invited into Mary Jo Peeble's playhouse, "I've got a girlfriend and you don't!"

Brian: I dreamed that Alex smiled at me, and her teeth looked like the grill of a '57 Buick.

Roy: Where's Lowell?
Joe: We gave him off today, remember? He had a family reunion.
Roy: Oh yeah, that's right...a gathering of a lot of people all missing the same chromosome.

Just watched this one last night, "OK, lighting show me the flickering lights (lights flicker), thank you lighting. Sound let me hear the evil laugh (Evil laugh) thank you sound. And now here is where the 100 pound sound bag comes crashing to the stage, (bag comes down in several steps), I think we can make that effect a little more special." Did you notice that guy was wearing leg warmers?!?
Another from that episode, "That is Johnny, no relation to the electronics Giant, Toshiba."

I watched this one again last night. From "What The Cabbie Saw". This may not appear funny in print, but if you've seen it, you HAVE to laugh.

At the very end, after Antonio has been freaking out the whole show because he thinks a jewelry-store robber is stalking him because Antonio "fingered" him in court. He finally gets the nerve to confront the guy.

Standing there, half shaking in his boots, he confronts the guy. The big dude says "I don't even know you--I've been hanging around here to meet the girl behind the lunch counter".

ANTONIO: "Wow.........................see ya"

And...............from the same episode. When Antonio, Brian, Joe, and Lowell are at Joe's house and the "robber" keeps driving past the house, Lowell jumps up and says "My god man, you've led him right to us"

Damn Lowell was funny.

Just watched this one last night, "OK, lighting show me the flickering lights (lights flicker), thank you lighting. Sound let me hear the evil laugh (Evil laugh) thank you sound. And now here is where the 100 pound sound bag comes crashing to the stage, (bag comes down in several steps), I think we can make that effect a little more special." Did you notice that guy was wearing leg warmers?!?
Another from that episode, "That is Johnny, no relation to the electronics Giant, Toshiba."

Is this from Wings? I don't recall this at all.

Yeah, that's from the episode where Helen tries out for the Nantucket String Quartet while the secondary cast members are all starring in "Phantom of the Oprah" (lol... whatever)! A lot of stuff happened really quickly in that moment with the director. Ha: "I think we can make that effect a little more special."

That's the one! The name of the episode escapes me at the moment.

Another from that episode, the Director of the quartet says, "The fact that I am so mad right now that my head is about to explode and send my brains across the room should be of no concern to you, (now in a chipper voice) so play!" The way he says "so play" after going on his rant is hysterical.

Fay, Roy, Lowell, Antonio, Brian to Cassey : It's a Big Sandwich !!!!

From take my life please :
Helen (to the lady sit at lunch counter) : Hey, do you know the dumb blond is, I did but I don't understand it,

BRIAN : How come dogs has a dog, like Helen says but I don't understand it

Brian- "What can I say? Animals love me."

Antonio- "Pizza? We don't need no stinkin' pizza! Talk to me, Pizza Man!"

Brian: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

Little Helen: "Hi! I'm Helen Chappel! Wanna wrestle?" Little Joe: "Boy are you fat." Little Helen: "How'd you like to lose your looks, pretty boy?"

Joe: "Without rules you have chaos...and then were are you, my friend, where are you?" Brian: "Just where we are now. In hell."

Joe (to Casey): "If you want to live with anarchy then you live with the consequences." Helen: "Joe, we're civilized adults. There are no consequences..."

Casey (sarcastic): "...a keg, a boombox, and one of those six feet sandwiches."
Brian: "Great. We're both on the same page."

Casey: "We're not having a big sandwich."
Brian: "This is - Nantucket. It's not San Francisco. We are...a simple people...We fish our waters, we - till our lands.....We eat a big sandwich."

Roy: "A party without a big sandwich? It - it it it it it's just not done."

Casey: "I've got to get off this island."

Casey: "Great...I've gone from chairing fundraisers to bringing up the rear of a giant hoagie."
Brian, Roy, Lowell, Antonio and Fay (together): "IT'S A BIG SANDWICH!!"

Joe (to Antonio): "Five bucks on Morticia. She's scrawny but she's quick."

Brian: (dramatic voice) "This is where it all began. Who'd have thought that from such humble beginnings two brothers would strike out into the world and end up, well, (normal voice:) basically striking out in the world?"

Brian: (to Lowell) "That was inhibited? When you were finished, I smoked a cigarette."

Lowell: "Joe Hackett at a Pearl Jam concert?! (laughs) Pearl Bailey, maybe."

What!

First line of the series:
Joe: (to airplane) "God, you're beautiful."

Casey: "Helen, Helen, Helen. Why does everything always work out so great for Helen?"

Helen: You care more about this *stupid* plane than you do about me!

Joe Hackett: Me? You're the one with the cello between her legs eight hours a day!

Helen: Well, at least that gives me some satisfaction!

Joe Hackett: Yeah, well, at least when I'm in the plane I get some sense of movement!

Antonio: "And then...I plan to kill myself."

Bunny: "I hate Christmas..."
Antonio: "It sucks."

Joe Hackett: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?

Brian Hackett: You are sitting on it.

Joe Hackett: I am NOT going in that line of work.

Brian Hackett: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON'T flatter yourself

Casey: "What's goin' on between us?"
Brian: "Oh. Sex!"
Casey: "I mean, is that all you call it?"
Brian: "No. Frequent, loveless, self-destructive! sex."

Brian Hackett: "Merry Christmas, Brian! Merry Christmas, Brian!" Why does everyone keep saying that? It's only one day! God was born - move on!

Antonio: "I love this fog."

Antonio: "Italian design..."

Brian: "It's one of the few things I picked up in the Caribbean that I don't have to take penicillin for."

Brian: "Is he under?"
Roy: "It's hard to tell. He always has that look on his face."

Roy Biggins: Forget it. I'm not... , I'm not in the mood.

Silvia, Roy's Ex-wife: YOU?

Brian: (to Joe)"At least I wasn't afraid of failing."
Joe: "Obviously not!"

Brian: "Joe Hackett, one of the world's TRUE funny men."

Brian: That's it, it's over. I'm doomed. Everything bad in the world always happens to me.

Helen: (to Joe)"Well, let's just say, when a woman is having sex with her husband, the last thing she wants to hear is him screaming 'How do I get out of this position?'"

Lowell Mather: No, this is Joe and Helen, its gotta be the ten footer!

Joe: (to Brian)"You did this?"
Brian: "It was an accident..."

Joe: "You really topped yourself this time..."

Joe: "BRIAN SHUT UP! All our lives it's been the same pattern....Well, it's not just me anymore. I have a wife now. Someday I hope to have a family....That's a chance I can't afford to take; I-I just don't have it in me anymore."
Brian: "What are you saying?"
Joe: "I'm sayin' I want you out of my life."
Brian: "Come on. Come on, come on, come on..."

Brian: "Brian Hackett always springs for the ten-footer."

Brian: "Nobody dumps Brian Hackett."

Casey: "...The Clamdigger Deli has just delivered a large sandwich."
Brian: "BIG! sandwich. It's a big sandwich."

Brian: (to Casey)"You know somethin'? In all my experience, I've never met somebody who needs a big sandwich as much as you do."

Fay: "Don't let the arthritis fool you."

Antonio: "We have our smoking gun."

Helen: "I'll bet they did it."
Fay: "Did what?"
Antonio: "The wild thing."
Brian: "We're talking about Joe here. With him it's just 'the thing.'"

Antonio: "...I've got to get a life."

Joe: "I feel like Yoda."

Joe: "...never work for a celebrity."

Antonio: "I sell funeral plots to crazy people."

Antonio: "I am now officially a dead man."

Antonio: "Hey, why don't you just take the gun and shoot me yourself?"

Donald: I still don't see why that was a reason for the Ladies' Auxiliary to disqualify me from the contest!

Helen: (to Joe)"God, you make me hot."

Casey: "Joe calling this bat cave a music room, now that's crazy."

Roy: "...don't you understand what your dad was trying to telling you?"
Brian: "What?"
Roy: "You're idiots!"

Brian: "I already regret it."

Roy: "Time to tear down that lemonade stand and put up a real business."

Helen: [to Joe] Don't pucker up like Dudley-Do-Right, just relax your lips.

Brian: Try throwing a shoe at Roy and NOT hitting him.

Antonio: "I've been there; I know being dumped sucks."

Brian: "What'd you have off the cart?"

Joe: "I'm a man, Helen; I have needs!"

Antonio: "I'm in hell..."

Antonio: "Under the bridge, with Pencil Patty."

Roy: "You know where I stand."

Helen: "Buenos dias, amigos."

Antonio: "Super? Ha! That's a dream I gave up a long time ago."

Eric: "I have an apartment on Fifth Avenue, with a Picasso over the fireplace."

Brian: I am glad the day is over.

Brian: Joe, you are not going to believe this but, the plane vanished from the hangar!

Gail: (sarcastically)"Ahh, the subtle humor of a fry cook."

Gail: (to Helen) "No, just the first time from someone with a trailer park accent."

Joe: Dad, I know why you are here. You are going to tell me Brian is repentant for burning down the house.
Donald: When did I say that? I agree you should throw Brian out.

(Singing under hypnosis):
Roy:
"My bones denounce the buckboard bounce
And the cactus hurts my toes.
Let's vamoose where girls keep wearin'
Those silks and satins and linen that shows.
(etc)."

Helen: Antonio, I did not know you played guitar.
Antonio: Barely; I started a few months ago. I only know one song.
Helen: Then play that.
Antonio: It is a folk song I used to hear back in my native Italy. For a long time it was the only English I knew.
Antonio strums guitar
Antonio{singing**: My goat knows the bowling score, alleluia. My goat knows the bowling score, al-lay-loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ya.

Brian: "...but I rearranged the lights so that something other than Rudolph's nose lit up."

Lowell: "...where is my mind?"
Roy: "I think Zippy the Pinhead had it last."

Joe: "Well, it's official. This Christmas sucks."

Brian: "There are words to that song? I thought it was just banjos."

Fay: "...this was the George I wanted to grow old with."

Lowell: "This is the loveliest funeral I've ever been to."

Brian: Joe, look what I found.
Joe: Dad's briefcase, so?
Brian: It was undamaged by the fire! And look at this, the picture Dad left for us! Know what this means?
Joe: Yeah, it means the nut house knew exactly what they were doing when they captured Dad by luring him into their van by waving a Chunky in front of him.

Roy: "That's exactly how we found Lowell."

Joe: "Well, most of the time it's glamorous."

Joe: "Is she hot or what?"

Alex: "Joe Hackett at a Pearl Jam concert?!"

Last lines of episode
Brian: You were right Joe, this Brother P-Touch label maker is great.
Joe: That should do it.
Joe's places label under Lowell's orange ballcap hanging on the wall
Label: In Memory of Lowell Mather. Please do not touch.

Helen: "It's a sad day in this country when a man with one simple little eccentricity is made out to be the village idiot."
Lowell: "Hear, hear."

Roy Biggins: If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night. ...

Joe: ( to Eleanor Biggins) "You know what? I have had just about enough of your venom, you miserable old gargoyle."

Eleanor: "... over my dead body."
Joe: "Isn't that what we're looking at?"

(Last line of the series.)
Fay: "Attention all passengers, announcing the reopening of Sandpiper Air. Our 8 P.M. flight to Hyannisport will be departing on schedule."

Roy Biggins: If you'll excuse me, I've got to get ready for the big night.
Alex: Oh, that's right, you're about to romance a woman. You'll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform...

(Lowell's wearing a blue bicycle suit.)
Brian: "I think you're taking this whole safe sex thing thing just a little too seriously."

Brian: "Of all the days to overmousse..."

Lowell: "Wow!... Beer, wanton destruction, naked women... 'minds me of my sister's Sweet 16 party."

Helen: "Well, I destroyed the kitchen... And I dedicate the victory to all the little chubby girls everywhere."

Helen: I got suckered into making the stupid welcoming speech at the reunion tonight.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Let me hear your opening line.
Helen: That was it.

Brian: "...and the one with the power drill in his ear is Curly."

Casey: (to Brian)"We can't sleep together anymore."

Brian: "Why don't we just start hauling livestock?"

Helen: (to Brian)"Meanwhile, I suggest you hit the fruit bowl."

Fay: "Ask Captain Cholesterol."

Brian: "They closed the Pizza Hut!"

Helen: (to Brian)"Don't take this the wrong way, honey, but you've got an ass the size of Trigger's."

Brian: "What do you expect? Life goes on!"

Casey: "And you just try finding Sudafed in Budapest."

Brian: (to Joe)"You always knew it was right. Even when you hated each other, you loved each other."

Brian: "...60 inches of John Madden's big red face."

Fay: "...the little peckerwood told me I looked like Ann Margret!"

Antonio: "As John _______ says, 'Have the nerve to deserve.'"

[Helen, Joe, Brian and Fay come in soaked and miserable. Only one who is dry is Roy, who is laughing uproariously]
Roy: I cannot believe you fell for that! You should have seen the looks on your faces when you dove in!
Joe: [enraged] Gosh Roy, maybe there is a time to lighten up. I guess people tend to take it too seriously when they hear "Fire, fire, abandon ship!"

Brian: (to Norm)"Oh yeah I hear they're bitin' like pit bulls at a mailman convention."
(They laugh.)
Cliff: (angry)"That supposed to be funny?"
Brian: "I guess not."

Norm: "That's one gene pool you don't want to take a dip in."

Ted Cobb: "I'm lookin' to fill three pages."

Brian: "He's kind of a mechanic savant."

Brian: "They named a drink after me."

Joe: "My money's on Satan."

Ted: "I'm lookin' for stories with real excitement."

Norm: "We have absolutely no place like this in Boston."

Joe: (to Brian)"Actually, you being gone was pretty fun."

Brian: "More dating rules? What is it with you people?"

Roy: (to Joe)"Hackett, from what I've heard about Cindy McGrath, she's pretty much everybody's type."

Roy: "Not exactly the end of Casablanca, was it?"

Lowell: "I tell ya, it's foolproof."
Roy: "Not in this case."

Joe: "I wonder how long trout can live in trees."

Roy: "Not anymore. They banned him for life."

Helen: "Because flying a plane is... orgasmic."

Joe: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a wonderful Christmas.

Roy: "It's a hot dog."
Brian: "Try 'tube of death'."

Roy: "I don't want some skirt flyin' my planes."

Fay: "If one more person tells me that, I'm gonna serve their face."

Lowell: "I'll see you fry for this, Biggins!"

Joe: "Ohhh, the humanity."

Man: "...get a load of this: Some hotshot Princeton grad just got his clock cleaned by someone's grandma."

Brian: "On the courts! Should it always be sex with you two?"

Lowell: "That's not his arm, Joe."

Roy Biggins: So what you're saying is, she's not interested in me, that I don't mean anything to her. She just wants to get me into bed & use me like some cheap piece of meat?
Brian Hackett: Exactly.
Roy Biggins: I can live with that!

Roy: "I can never understand a word that spaghetti head is sayin'."

Lowell: "She takes care of the boys of Operation Desert Storm!"

Helen: "Store bought soup, Roy. How could you?"

Bunny: "...in fact you're both that type of guy."

Brian: (to Lowell)"She came onto me."

Brian: "You don't think Lowell would do something stupid, would you?"
Roy: (sarcastic)"What are the odds?"

(Standing on a church steeple.)
Joe: "Oh, cool. I can see my house from here."

Antonio: This song I learned in Italy. For awhile it was the only English I knew... My goat knows the bowling score, halleluiah...
Helen: It's "Michael, row the boat ashore".
Antonio: No!

Fay: "On the bright side, freedom and democracy have broken out in Eastern Europe!"

Helen: "I'm guessin' you're not a high school graduate."

Joe: "'I couldn't keep it down,' says Joe Hackett."

Joe: "Oh is she gonna be disappointed when she finds out Big Ben is a clock."

Brian: "This from a man who rents his relationships from a video store."

Joe: "This is the stupidest thing Brian's ever done. And he once painted me blue."

Helen: "Well, this is turning into a loser's tour of Boston."

Brian: "Lowell just gave me a really weird look."
Joe: "How could you tell?"

Helen: (to Carol)"Good news. They do have room service. Do you want to see the menu?"
(Helen hits Carol in the face with a pie.)

Fay: "Sandpiper regrets to inform you that we are cancelling the damn flight."

Joe: "Muffin basket?"
Brian: "Pedicures?"

Joe: "What is the really big idea?"

Fay: "I'd watch it, Pilot Joe. Your attitude has been noticed."

Brian: (to Joe)"You know, your attitude has stunk! from the get go."

Antonio: (to Joe)"So there's nothing wrong with you physically. Just a freakin' nut case."

Ted: "The big ugly."

Joe: "Wow! That was a pretty big ugly."

Joe: (to Brian)"I smell a big ugly."

Mike: "That presentation may be the biggest ugly I've ever seen."

Mike: "You mean Sandpiper was never supposed to make money?"
Ted: "Oh please. With that boob Cord in control?"

Lowell Mather: I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something.
Roy Biggins: My guess is you get that feeling a lot.

Roy: "Beer, guns, and a bunch of idiots."

Brian: You were great. It is so hot in here, you are smoking.
Casey: Smoke!
Brian: Don't need to.
Sirens are heard on street
Casey: No Brian, there's smoke! Did you put out the fireplace?
Brian: I guess. No need to worry.
Firemen break down door of master bedroom
Brian: Smoke, there's fire! AUGH! Why didn't anyone tell me!

Brian: "You get that little tingle of frustrated sexual desire?"
Joe: "Yeah, coming from you."

Roy: "Sensitivity. Men have turned into such wimps."

Joe: (to Antonio)"Trust me, this is a family tree you do not want to climb."

Brian: "I think... Lowell's got way too much time on his hands."

Alex: "He has sneakers the size of Stonehenge."

Roy: "Wondering if she's as hot for you as you are for her. Wondering if..."
Helen: (interrupting Roy)"she'll take a check or insist on cash?"
Roy: "Let me tell you somethin'; Roy Biggins doesn't pay for it. The Roy Biggins corporation does."

Roy: "Another satisfied customer, huh, Hackett?"

Lowell: "...1947 Harley-Davidson. I'm rebuilding it."

Brian: "Alex and I had sex last night... and it wasn't great."

Lowell: "Hammer works, helmet sucks."

Joe: "We're Catholic; we don't talk about stuff like that."

Fay: "...the hard news is at the cemetery."

Joe: "If I relax, who's going to try to keep this damn airline in business?"

Joe: "I am sick! Of everyone running to me when they have a problem."

Lowell: (on phone)"Davidson. Harley-Davidson."

Helen: "What about Fredo over there, shakin' him down for a new cab?"

Roy: "Yeah. Somebody fun lifted Joe's wallet."

Antonio: "I just don't get it, do I?"

Lowell: "That's the way I'd have played her."

Fay: "...he had mighty big shoes to fill."

Roy: (to Joe)"And since you're not gettin' that, the least you can do is pop for a dinner."

Brian: "Now that is a fuel pump."

Joe: "That is such a stereotype..."

Helen: "Maybe I don't have the perfect life, but it's my life."

Casey: "So much for having an orgasm that year."

Joe: "That's the happiest lookin' man I've ever seen."

Brian: "How selfish can one person be?"

Casey: "My life is one nightmare after another."

Antonio: "When a man's been on fire, it makes him take stock."

Helen: "...when this express train to Hell derails, don't come runnin' to me."

Brian: "I paid for a surprise, and I'm gonna get a surprise. Ready? One, two, three."
(Brian and the others burst into a hotel room, and they yell "Surprise!" as the screen goes black. Helen's scream is heard.)
Casey: (v.o.)"Oh, my God!"
Joe: (v.o.)"Helen, look. It's a big sandwich!"

Fred: "That's my girl and I love her."

Roy: "Because my mother's got the soul of a pit bull and the face of a sock puppet. Love ain't that blind."

Helen: "I can't believe you've reduced Miss Jenkins to a sex object."

Susie: "Yeah. Is it actually possible to die of boredom?"

Lowell: "Nice thighs, Miss Jenkins."

Laura Jenkins: "Great coffee."

Brian: "That's right. I got an incomplete."

Joe: "Come on. I was taking cold medicine."

Brian: "She's a teacher. She's gonna tell me I wasn't applying myself."

Deedee Chappel: "Europe doesn't have corn pads?"

Antonio: "Just like Sunday dinner back home in Italy."

Brian: "Oh, God. Fritters."
Lowell: "You've got a problem with that?"

Helen: (to Deedee)"You gambled away my wedding?"

Fay: "Don't even ask where the note pad is."

Lowell: "I had lunch for breakfast."

Deedee: "Son, you've got to get yourself a girl."
Antonio: "No kidding."

Helen: "Is food your answer to everything? No wonder I was such a fat little kid."

Lowell: (to Brian)"That was just sarcasm for no good reason, wasn't it?"

Brian: "What kind of bet did she lose?"

Helen: "Roy, even for you, this is insane."

Anya: "...and the really lucky women have husbands who come home sober twice a week."

Roy: "Art history? I thought it was archery."

Helen: (to Joe)"Can you imagine your only two choices in life being Roy, or Siberia? I mean, one is cold, vast and depressing, the other is way the hell in Russia."

Roy: "I've never taken this out in public before..."

Antonio: "She said she faked her orgasm."

Roy Biggins: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen: What's he going to do the second half of the day?

Roy: "See, Cochran, the rich are different."

Antonio: "Ohh, to live in Fay Land."

Antonio: "Aand, downward spiral continues."

Antonio: [to Helen who is coming towards him menacingly] Don't make me use my pepper spray.

Antonio: "My cab just got swallowed by a sinkhole..."

Fay: "I need a shower."

Brian: (to Joe)"Let's just say it's your turn."

Brian: "...I just got a - taste of the satisfaction that comes from personal sacrifice, - and it's pissin' me off."

Lowell Mather: I give blood all the time. Just between you and me, Roy, I'll do anything for a sugar cookie.

Joe: (to Brian)"You know, Dad was right. We should have had you neutered, along with Ranger."

Fay: "...Nantucket, the whaling capital of the Atlantic."

Helen: "Baseball fever. Catch it."

Roy: "The inside of a body bag."

Brian: "Those tights pretty much showed your name and address, didn't they?"

Joe: "He seems to be short a few croissants short of a dozen."

Brian: "Now I know why the French love Jerry Lewis."

Casey Chappel Davenport: How many of those have you drunk?
Lowell Mather: Let's see, the machine holds 40... 80!

Brian: "The video store was a total madhouse."

Brian: "What samurai said that?"

Brian: "Is it any wonder I love her?"

Gwen: "It's only complicated if it's wrong."

Fay: "That was George's idea of a joke."

Helen: "Well, this has been a full day."

Brian: "You're making a mockery of my art."

Roy Biggins: I'm going to teach that kid everything I know.
Helen: What's he going to do the second half of the day?

Fay: (to Helen)"I'm a bran muffin?"

Roy: "I'm a salad."

Brian: "...what do you have?"
Antonio: "The woman that I went out with last night."

Vi: "I like a man who looks like he's been around the track a couple of times."

Brian: Joe! I am so glad you are back.
Joe: Glad to be appreciated. How did it go?
Brian: I am glad the day is over.
Joe: Well, you sound beat. Something happen?
Brian: Joe, you are not going to believe this but, the plane vanished from the hangar!
Joe: I know.
Brian: You know?!
Joe: Of course; the men from New Bedford took the plane up to inspect it for the 100-hour check. Didn't you know, it was all there under the yellow section of the binder, which had the day's planned events.

Fay: "It certainly wasn't on my last birthday."

Brian: "It's bright and sunny, no chance of Lowell."

Joe: "Come on, Lowell, stop being so dramatic!"

Antonio: "Get Lowell out of my house, today, or I will kill him."

Brian: "It's the furthest one from our house; he'll take it."

Brian: "We've already changed the locks; don't make us get a restraining order."

Don Hackett's Ghost: "Just because I'm dead, it doesn't mean I don't have opinions."

Antonio: (to Fay)"You are one buggy broad."

Casey: "At last. A man who understands Valentine's Day."

Helen: "I never tweeze."
Antonio: "Yeah. I know."

Joe: "I gave him that nickname."

Joe: "At the Hoover Dam we smoked a doobie and couldn't feel our legs."

Joe: What about the President of the Nantucket Nature Society? Lois...?

Joe: "You're a bitter woman, Helen."

Lowell: ""Roy, some men are born leaders. Others have leadership thrust upon them."

Lowell: "Boy. What some people won't do for a higher grade."

Lowell: "I have a secret spot..."
Brian: "Let's keep it that way."

Roy: "Big time horn dog."

Fay: "There are honest people left in the world."

Casey: "Oh, wow. You're just a big girl, aren't ya?"

Antonio: "... I'm havin' sex like a jackrabbit."

Roy: "She lives under a bridge and has a beard; what would you call her?"

Casey: "What, exactly, is a country drape?"

Helen: "Naked in the hot tub. I can get my behind behind that."

Helen: "From now on it's all nude, all the time."

Helen: "Hey, I am not makin' bacon nude."

Brian: (sarcastically)"You know what really helps in a situation like this, Casey? Sarcasm!"

Roy: "Ohhh, I like this song."

Brian: "Just what those veterans need; more pain in their lives."


Matt Evans: "You guys mind if we pay you six months rent in advance?"

Antonio: "I've said it before and I'll say it again: Women come and go but-but friends are the things we must always cherish."

Roy: "God, I must live right."

Joe: "Roy always ruins everything."

Fay: "Sure, pick the complicated one."

Helen: "I can't believe I'm up before Willard Scott."

Brian: "Forget it. I'd rather burn than watch this."

Roy: "I hope you guys like Slim Whitman."

Brian: "I think we underestimated his sensitivity level."
Joe: "Who knew he had one?"

Roy: "But beyond that, beyond these walls, you people are dead in my eyes."

Joe: "You can't make people like you, Roy."

Lowell: "Entertainment. This is my best category."

Lowell: "Have you seen her Vegas act, Roy? That gal's got serious jewelry."

Roy: "Awww, fair is for losers."

Lowell: "This is an excellent place to clear my head."

Joe: "I thought the island got rid of that psychopath when he retired."

Alex: (sarcastically)"On behalf of women everywhere, nice catch."

Lowell: "Wait a second. I played football in high school?"

Hotel Manager: (to Doctor)"So what do you think killed him?"
Doctor: "Pending an autopsy, I'd say his liver."

Brian: "He's the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

Joe: "...it's just so hard to accessorize a football coach."

Lowell: "Anyway, apparently the cause of death was the old John Barleycorn. Demon rum. Hooch. According to Beavo, he died of cirrhosis of the liver."

Roy: "Coach Mattay was a prince."
Antonio: "And a princess."
Roy: "... that man was tough as nails."
Antonio: "I heard they were press ons."

Roy: (to Antonio)"If you had any class, you'd send flowers."
Antonio: "Or just a corsage."

Joe: (to Brian)"We may have to kill her."

Joe: (to Brian)"I told you we should have killed her."

Alex: "Oh, right. The lid."

Helen: (to Alex)"You posed naked?"

Roy: (to Helen)"Good news. You're no longer the worst restaurant on the island."

Joe: (to Antonio)"Wedding dress?"
Antonio: "Welll, not the veil."

Helen: "I made a mistake."
Alex: "So did I. I trusted you."

Helen: "When I lived in New York, I worked in a strip joint."

Helen: "Can't believe you guys are betting against my date."

Fay: "Twenty bucks says he sends a candy gram."

Antonio: "Excuse me; I'm going to go kick myself for asking."

Lowell: "...I like a little more mystery in a woman."

(Repeated line).
Lowell: "Dinner, not ready!"

Joe: (to Dominick)"'Geek'? Oh, time to go, little man."

Brian: "It's like a tomb in here!"

Brian: "Why, Lowell, you randy old sea dog, you."

Brian: "...that train left the station hours ago."

Brian: "No, no. The Pilgrims were Thanksgiving."

Fay: "Thanks, George. And a Merry Christmas to you too."

Phil: "It is always great to see friends!"

Joe: "I should have left that cheese puff in his throat."

Casey: "I recently had a recovered memory about Jiminy Cricket."

Antonio: "...it's like looking at the sun."

Fay: "Hot enough for you down there, George?"

Roy: "I love coffee."

Auctioneer: "I have nine thousand from that daydream believer."

Peter Tork: "Big deal. We got squat from those things."

Helen: "I lost Helen Chappel in that fire;..."

Auctioneer: "That's the last bid to Clarksville."

Brian: "Right. We need a cash pumper."

Brian: "Right. We need a hooker."

Jonathan Clayton: "Gentlemen, I don't invest in companies, I buy them."

Brian: "Like the village idiot on a sunny day."

Ted: "Oh, God, here it comes."
Joe: "Here what comes?"
Ted: "The big ugly."

Mike: (to Ted)"Oh, man, are you gonna be a hero."
Ted: "Gee. Ya think?"

Brian: "Ooh. A private big ugly. That's gonna hurt."

Jonathan: (to Cord)"You can watch me give Ted the big ugly."

Casey: "And another thing, Walter. That toupee? Looks like a joke. Looks like you're wearing a prune Danish on your head."

(Their final lines.)
Helen: (to Joe)"Ready?"
Joe: "Let's do it."

Roy: "All right, everyone. Let the dames begin. Exsquueze me; fox at twelve o'clock."

Fay: "...they're known to attract the opposite sex."
Roy: "Of what species?"

Joe: "I've never seen plaid scatter that fast in my life."

Brian: "'Friend', 'bookie', in his language that's the same word."

Brian: "Excuse me, I believe that Roy's sprung a leak."

Antonio: "For years, it was the only English I knew."

Joe: (to Lowell)"'Ed'? You named your golf ball?"
Lowell: "Yeah. Named all of them."

Joe Hackett: What have we got that's worth fifteen thousand dollars?
Brian Hackett: You are sitting on it.
Joe Hackett: I am NOT going in that line of work.
Brian Hackett: I'm talking about taking out a mortgage on the house, and DON'T flatter yourself.

Fay: "...I'm afraid I don't speak your beautiful language."

Lowell: "Wow. They look almost like real goose bumps."

Cliff: "Sounds like an Irish bloke! I'll bet ya we're not gonna have any trouble gettin' cocktail service on that boat."
(Cliff laughs and walks away.)
Norm: (to Joe)"Um, he's, he's an okay guy. Just, uh, takes a little time to get used to him. I'm about, uh, two years away myself."

Helen: I got suckered into making the stupid welcoming speech at the reunion tonight.
Fay Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Let me hear your opening line.
Helen: That was it.

Joe: (to Roy)"Why didn't you knock?"
Roy: (sarcastically)"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I guess I just should've assumed there was a blimp behind the door."
Joe: "Well, I always do when I knock on yours."
Roy: (angrily)"WHAT?!?"
Joe: "...I'm sorry, i'm just upset."

Roy: "Maybe I'll just see America first."

Lowell: "You know, Roy, sarcasm is the lowest form of humor."

Antonio: "That's just the damage I did, tryin' to stay on the road."

Joe: "Why should the wrecking ball have all the fun?"

Lowell: "Neat Playboy."

Brian: "Who do you think was happier at bedtime?"

Roy: "Nobody can make a Biggins do what he doesn't want to do."

(Lowell accidentally staples himself.)

Joe: "Lowell, did that staple go into your leg?"
Lowell: ("Yes.")
Joe: "Are you in pain?"
Lowell: ("Yes.")
Joe: "Would you like to go outside and scream?"
(Lowell goes outside and screams.)

Brian: "...and then proceed to unwrap each other."

Fay: (to Helen)"Am I sensing an attitude here?"
Helen: "Yes, you are."

Lowell: "Great. Because I need someone to play the dumb elf."
Antonio: "At least it's something to do."

Lowell: "Checkmate!"
Roy: "Wait a minute. Maybe it was my turn."

Roy: " Well, ask a stupid question..."

Brian: (to Joe)"I just saw Mom on television."

Brian: (sarcastically)"Big lug just can't hold a grudge."

Mae Hackett: "I've been working in a laundry."

Helen: "Where was your laundry, Miss Hackett?"
Mae: "In the California State Penitentiary."

Mae: "Well, I was working as an accountant at a large bank in Sacramento when I sort of... embezzled eight thousand dollars."

Mae: "I have been in prison, Joe. For eight long years, doing laundry."

Joe: (to Mae)"Why did you leave us?"

Brian: "It's not like she sold rap music or anything."

Joe: "Sorry does not give me back my childhood."

Joe: "I withdraw the question."

Helen: "I know Babs' boobs."

Casey: "I didn't know whether to dance or hang myself."

Roy: (on phone)"Talk like that usually costs me two bucks a minute."

Helen: "And, I'm the one who started calling you 'Wham Bam Pam'."

Roy: (laughing)"Oh, this is great. I say it and they do it."

Lowell: "Joe Hackett doesn't have a mean bone in his body. "

Antonio: "Not like Alex and Joe. Can you, can you imagine how beautiful their children would--"
Fay: "Ohhh."

Alex: "Joe, was your dad this bad?"
Joe: "Nowhere near."

Joe: (to Brian)"Nice work, Mr. Nicholson."
Brian: (imitating Jack Nicholson)"Same to you, Mr. Auerbach."

Joe: "Look at me. Would I lie to you?"

Joe: "Why do I have to open it?"
Casey: "Because you're the geekiest costume."
Joe: "The last one left."

Helen: "And more importantly, I know what he eats. I've been in that world."

Joe: "Turn off MTV and crack a book for once in your life."

Casey Chappel Davenport: We're not having a big sandwich!
Brian Hackett: [slightly annoyed] This is Nanucket, its not San Francisco. We are a simple people. We fish our waters, we till our lands, we eat a big sandwich.

Lowell: "I'm angry at Weeb for dying!... But, what are you gonna do? Life goes on."

Roy: "If it's green, it's trouble; if it's fried, order double."

Antonio: "Let's just count how many things are wrong with that statement."

Lowell: "It's a beer commercial life."

Lowell: "...you know what they say about rat shoots: two's company, three's crossfire."

Brian: "It's that weasel Sting, isn't it?'

Lowell: "What's behind that door for me, Joe?"

Helen: Antonio, I did not know you played guitar.
Antonio: Barely; I started a few months ago. I only know one song.
Helen: Then play that.
Antonio: It is a folk song I used to hear back in my native Italy. For a long time it was the only English I knew.
Antonio strums guitar
Antonio{singing}: My goat knows the bowling score, alleluia. My goat knows the bowling score, al-lay-loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ya.
Helen: It is Michael, Row the Boat Ashore.
Antonio: No kidding!

Lowell: "We Mathers don't believe in divorce."
Roy: "I know. It's a lousy thing to do to a first cousin."

Lowell: "Anyone know a good lawyer?"

Warren: "Well, that does it. I now pronounce you 'man and ex-wife.'"

Brian: "Halfway down the block I could swear I heard them yodeling."

Joe: (to Brian)"And everytime you come up for parole, I'll be there."

Lowell: (to Helen) "No. You look like you just had sex."

Antonio: "Just like the rich. Everything's got to be now, now, now."

Lowell: "Wow. Don't I feel the perfect fool?"

Joe: "Asian anchorwoman."
Brian: "Oh. Good one."

Lowell: "Crack a book sometime, pretty boy."

Lowell: "I tell ya, it's enough to make you give up needlepoint forever."

Joe: "You broke my heart."

Lowell: "Yeah, once, that extra thumb of his came in handy."

Joe: "I want to see Brian on TV."

Antonio: "She, she helped so many of us that day."

Antonio: "I can't believe we're here, where the magic happens."

Antonio: "She's human, like the rest of us."

Antonio: "Go on, girl."

Lowell: "I was robbed!"
Roy: (sarcastically) "Well, there's a shock."

Brian: "And I slept with her."

Lowell Mather: I've had this nagging feeling all day that I'm forgetting something.
Roy Biggins: My guess is you get that feeling a lot.

Roy: "She had the four appointments before me."

Brian: "I just think it's a stupid, stupid holiday."

Joe: "If there is any trouble, I am sure he's on top."

Fay: "I haven't seen him this excited since the Nancy Sinatra issue of Playboy."

Antonio: "I've got my moon-faced mama back."

Alex: Well, what was that all about?
Brain: Lynch just asked Helen to marry him.
Alex: Oh that is great. No wonder why she is so happy.
Brian: You can be that happy too, you know.
Alex: If Davis Lynch asked me to marry him, I would be.