My favorite is from the 2 part episode from the last season when Al and Peg were going to split up:

Peg: Thanks a lot, Al. After 25 years you're finally leaving me satisfied!

A fat woman walked into the shoestore today! LOL!!

They had a lot of funny quotes on the show. Can you think of any others?

Bud: Come on, you fight like a girl.
Kelly: You pee like one!
Bud: That was a temporary medical condition!

Oh, man. There is Waaaaaay too many to list, so here are a few of my favorites:

Al: Look, Steve. Why don't you do this? Go home, wake up Marcy and say, "Hey, I lost my money. I screwed up, it won't happen again, and what's for supper?" That's what being a man is all about, Steve. Making mistakes and not caring.
====================================
Peg: I tried to get Al to fix the driveway a long time ago. But his philosophy is why improve a home you're only going to live in anyway?
====================================
Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go to a pharmacy and get some real medicine!
Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if somebody sees my pimple?
Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. Nobody's going to see the pimple.
Kelly: I guess you right. I guess I'm being silly, huh?
[opens door]
Man from distance: Whoa! Look at the zits on the blonde chick!
Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?
====================================
Bud: Look, Mr. Boondy, I am merely being a professional civil server and I've taken an oath. HOOTERS! HOOTERS! PULL OVER! Oh by the way, Dad, I'm deducting five points. You should never pick up hitchhikers.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Kelly:The prostitution rests

Fat Woman:How dare you say that to my face

Al:I would say it behind your back but my car only has a half tank of gas!
____________________________________________________
Kelly:I'm gonna hold my breast until I turn blue
____________________________________________________
Steve:Al I'm horny,what are you gonna do about it?

I have many favorite quotes from the show, but I can only remember one off hand. lol

Al: Peg, here's all the money I have, $10 dollars. Now go to the store and buy some food.

Peg: I can do that. I can buy food.

Al: Good dear

Peg: (Chanting) I must buy food, I must buy food, got to buy food, must buy food.

Grey Statue in store window: Buy me

Peg: No, I got to buy food

Grey Statue in window: Buy me

Peg: No, I must buy food

Grey statue: Buy meeee

Peg: Okayyy LOL

Remember that episode?

But my all time favorite quote, and this is in almost every episode, is the Bundy chant.

"WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Bundy" :)

Two come to mind:

Al: I wish the world were a fly and I was a giant, rolled up newspaper.

and

Steve: Al, I'm horny, what are goin' do about it?

There are many. many more I love, but those two stand out.

WOMEN, CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM, THE END.

Al: "...played Van Halen's 'Jump.' And d****d if the whole herd didn't."

Steve: Al, you realize that tampering with your kids dental records is against the law.
Al: So is dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.

and

Psycho Dad: [Reading Al's letter] "I like you. I really, really like you. No, not in that way. So please don't let them take you off, I beg you, fight this thing like you would fight a varmit or an ex-wife. Your friend, Al; P.S. What does Barbara Eden look like naked?"
Jefferson: Barbara Eden?
Bob Rooney: She's 1,000.
Al: I didn't mean now.

Librarian (I forget her name) : Make a promise, keep a promise.
Al: Yeah, yeah, bake a pie, eat a pie.

Librarian (I forget her name) : Make a promise, keep a promise.
Al: Yeah, yeah, bake a pie, eat a pie.

LOVE that episode.



DeGROOT: You may take just one book.

AL: Hey, be fair! Can you eat just one pig?


***
DeGROOT: You think anyone can teach you anything?

AL: Well, you've just taught me that even the slightest movement can make a fat person sweat.


***

AL: Well, it just so happens that I returned that book years ago.

DeGROOT: I'd remember if you did.

AL: You weren't here.

DeGROOT: I'm always here.

AL: Not that day... I believe that was the day of the big cake heist. You were rounded up for questioning.
***

DeGROOT: Could it be that you don't have the $2000? Could it be that I was correct when I made an educated guess that you would fail in life?

AL: Could it be that the nails that hold your chair together are from the planet Krypton?

Al(to the male stripper):"Oh, and if my wife loses anything down your pants, so will you."

Or something like that, it's been awhile since I've seen that ep.

Al: "A fat woman clip-clopped into the shoe store today..."

________

Al (to Bud): "Dip-Dip-Dip-Dip-Dip-Dip-Dip-Dip-Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum-Bum-GET A JOB!"

_________

I can't remember the exact quote, but Al calls his butt a "Shoeman's heiny"

Al: Quick sweetie, whats the color of an orange?
Kelly: You mean a regular orange?

Kelly: Daddy...
Al: What?
Kelly: I forget....Daddy?
Al: What?
Kelly: I forget again....Don't say what this time....Daddy? (no response) Daddy...? (no response)...DADDY? (screaming)...
Al: WHAT?
Kelly: You made me forget again!!!

Al: Peg, you know those newlyweds that just moved in down the street?

Peg: Yeah?

Al: On my way home from work, I peeked in thier window.

Peg: Oh, you're so kinky, baby!!

AL: Heh-Heh, I wanna do what they were doin'.

Peg: OOO, ha ha, what were they doing Al?

Al: THEY WERE EATING!!!!

So, I only speak/write in French

Je ne comprends pas comment vous pouvez ne citer que quelques répliques car franchement, moi je les adore toutes: C'est comme de la POESIE!!!!!!!

Tout le monde ne retient que les acteurs (Ed O'neil, Katey Sagal....) Mais il serait juste, je le pense, de rendre hommage aussi aux auteurs qui ont inventé toutes ces situations ainsi que ces dialogues, qui je le répète sont merveilleux!!!
Il est dommage que la Fox est décidé d'arrêter cette série qui a des millions de fans à travers le monde (je suis fier de me compter parmis eux !!)

Car en fait, malgré les quelques disputes (comme dans toutes les familles à travers le monde) les Bundy représentent la famille Idéale.

Sazaron

Kelly:Well I was the one who cancelled the date so I'm gonna have to take this like a lady(goes and sits down in her seat)Daddy,go beat him up

Al:Of course,pumpkin(gets up and runs up the stairs and beats up the guy as his date leaves)

I liked when the crowd kept shouting "Yeah!" "Come on Al!"

(when Peg wants to have sex)

Al: "Come on Peg, we've been married for 17 years....can't we just be friends?"

My favorite quote

"Women, can't live with them, THE END"-lol

There are too many funny lines. I have never laughed out loud on my own so much, than when I'm watching MWC.

I love that line from the ep where Kelly and Jefferson are in that coffee ad together and theres a bed on the set..

Al: "Whats the bed for?"
Director: "You're a married man.." (haha, insinuating sleeping with the wife)
Al: "Yeah... whats the bed for?"

Other hilarious Al Bundy lines...


*Hey, Marcy, what's holding the towel up?

*It must be your mother. Tell her I said 'oink'.

*Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?

*I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.

*Peg, I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.

*We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine.

*If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

Al telling Marcy how she can be more attractive. "Poke out eyes of every male on earth".
"Ski mask"
"Paper bag over ski mask"
"Stick picture of Cindy Crawford on your back and walk backwards.
"Walk behind attractive woman".
ahahaha.

*Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.

*I wouldn't rub your feet if a genie popped out of them.


*Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me
make love to you.


*I hate my life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard.


*People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision


*Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.


*Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.

Jefferson(I think):Al,I found your music outside in the garage

Al:Now we know that this person has no taste in music.Wait a minute.I where Michael Bolton was last night.Well if they won't arrest him for his singing,then they wouldn't arrest him from this

kelly:why does buck get to take coats upstairs and when I cant have boys in my room?
Peg:because coats cant get pregnant

My favorite is from Al, when he said "never wanted to get married, I'm married. Never wanted any kids, I get two of em, how the hell did this happen?" in the Johnny Be Gone episode.

my Favorite Quote A Fat Women came into The Shoe Store Today.

I love that line from the ep where Kelly and Jefferson are in that coffee ad together and theres a bed on the set..

Al: "Whats the bed for?"
Director: "You're a married man.." (haha, insinuating sleeping with the wife)
Al: "Yeah... whats the bed for?"




:lol: that was classic. That episode was so funny.

Ive been thinking about this quote all day:

Neighbor: (talking to Al)Hey Bundy im having steak for dinner, what are you having?

Al:Well if I was the mailman I would be having your wife!

Jefferson: "Since the women are out giving food to the homeless lets go give out singles to the topless!"

Al: "If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave."


"These redwood-trees they're over a thousand years old. I'm gonna cut me one of these down and use it for a base for my satellite dish."

"There's so much I want to say but there's a show coming on I want to watch."

Peggy: This is George Washington, the father of our country.
Kelly: I thought that was James Brown.
Peggy: No, he was the Godfather of soul.
Kelly: I thought that was Don Corleone.
Peggy: I think we've had enough for one day.

"I'd have a slice in my mouth and a greasy hooter in my hand, or vice versa."

"Actually the Bundy family motto is; 'Hooters, hooters. Yum yum yum. Hooters on a girl who's dumb.'"

When Al gets glasses and can see everything alot clearer and he holds up a picture of Peg and asks Bud and Kelly "What the hell is this?" and Kelly says "That's mom." Then Al screams :lol:

Al: "Whats the bed for?"
Director: "You're a married man.." (haha, insinuating sleeping with the wife)
Al: "Yeah... whats the bed for?"


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

-I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women.


-Kids: 'We wanna see Tears and Vomit'
-Al: 'You can see that when your mother cooks'.


-Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother isn't it, Peg?

-Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy

-Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job

Here's one of my favs;

Griff - "She got the house, the car and the money...I got the right to remain silent" :lol:

-Kids: 'We wanna see Tears and Vomit'
-Al: 'You can see that when your mother cooks'.

HAHAHA, I laughed for about 10 minutes with that one.

Fat Women:2, 4, 6, 8 don't make fun of our weight!

Al:1, 2, 3, 4 you're gonna fall through the floor! :lol:


Fat Woman: We're going to teach you to respect us.

Al: A better use of your time would be teaching each other the words, "No thank you, I'm full.":lol:

^:lol::lol::lol::lol:

That show had some of the greatest lines ever. :rofl:

Got to be Al's baseball rant from "The Unnatural"

I see some of us forget pretty darn quickly, don't we? Well, I don't. Let me paint a picture for you.

May 6, 1982. You brought in a green fresh faced kid. Enter the Bundy era. You were 0 and ten. Bundy took the field.

Let's talk about his glove. Four to three in the ninth against Bob's Cheese Factory. The cleanup man fires a hit through the hole... but no! Bundy dives for the ball, snares it and fires to first. M... V... P.

June 9, 1983. The game on the line. The opposing team drills one to left field where, you, Schotz, were standing frozen. Bundy races to the fence and spears it. M... V... P.
Now, I take you to Bundy on the base paths. A little dribbler hit by you, Pence. Bundy, needing to score to tie the game, lowers his head into the toughest catcher in the league and takes out Ms. Shephouse, separating her shoulder and ending her career. Victory over the Shephouse Knitters. M... V... P.

Now you may have forgotten these memorable moments in Bundy history but my family certainly hasn't.

Neighbor boy: "I want my mommy."
Al: "So does your dad's brother."

Al Bundy quote - "you know Peg that I don't like to beat around the bush unless your in it"

My favorite scene - a fat ugly repair man comes to the Bundy house to fix the fridge and while bending over and showing his crack Al comes home and walks over to the kitchen and says "Peg, what are you doing down there" :lol:

Al (to Buck): "Hi there, boy, how are you doin'?" Buck (v.o.): "Well let's just say you won't hear my bitch complain to her friends."

Kelly: "Daddy, do you remember my boyfriend T-Bone?" Al: "No but he sounds delicious." Kelly: "Oh. I'll tell him you said so."

Al (after entering the photo store to develop pictures if himself with the aliens)-
"Pictures come and I never go home. One blonde, two blondes, three blondes, OH".

Also the classic: "WHOAA, Bundy."

Peggy (looking at 45): "Wowww Nat King Cole sings 'The Christmas Song'....it's been so long since I heard Nat without Natalie."

One of my favorite lines throughout the entire series is

Al: Sex again? Peg, we've been married for 16 years. Can't we just be friends?"

I don't know why, but that one ALWAYS cracks me up. Some others:

Kid: I want my mommy!
Al: So does your Dad's brother

Al: Somebody call the police!
Bud: What for? The call costs more than the car
Al: And it costs more than the condom I should have used the night you were conceived!

Kelly: Daddy, I just found out I'm dying. I have Bulgaria. The doctor says it's terminus

Marcy: Peggy, I say this with love: You're the laziest bitch in Chicago

Al: Guys like that get what they deserve!
Pete: He's getting your wife!
Al: Well, let the punishment fit the crime! :lol:

TV: Stay tuned for our afterschool special, "I Drink Cause My Dad's A Shoe Salesman

The funniest part in that episode is where Al and Peg are talking about who gets custody of the TV!

Peggy: "Hi, honey did you miss me?"
Al: "With every bullet so far."

Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE.
Al: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.

Al: Marcy, you must have been disappointed before. Of course you have...everytime you open up your pajama top.
Marcy: Or your PAJAMA BOTTOMS!

Kelly: See you later.
Bud: Hey, Kel. I see you're wearing your "love me for my mind outfit", again.

As a girl feels Bud's rear end.
Girl: I guess its true. Good things do come in small packages.
Kelly: Then shouldn't you have him turn around?

Kelly: I just feel like I'm giving something back to the community.
Bud: Yeah and to all the other males at the free clinic.

Bud is wearing a six arm bug insect costume.
Kelly: Hey, Bud. If you had another arm, you'd have a date for everynight of the week.

Marcy and Jefferson skinny dipping in their hot tub as Al chainsaws through their fence.

Marcy: Al Bundy! What do you think you're doing?
Al: Going blind if you stand up!

Doorbells rings. Al goes to answer the door and sees Marcy.
Al: Well, its flat and cheesy but its not a pizza.
Marcy: You're ordering out for pizza, Al? Been saving up those paychecks again?

In a successful attempt to make ex Steve jealous.
Marcy: Come on, Jefferson. You can quit this job. I have a new position for you...or two.

Peg and Al are about to get busy.
Al: Ohhh, Peg...
Peg: Ohhh, Lance....

Peg: Well, you got your doll back.
Marcy: Yeah. It was easy after I told that (foreign) family that I'd threaten to turn them in to immigration. (Evil cackle)

Al: Ahhh. Home sweet hell.

Bud: You can't be this dumb.
Kelly: I can be what I wanna be. It's the 90's.

Kelly and Bud make fun of Jerry Mathers (The Beaver)
Jerry Mathers: I may be a has been. My career may not be as hot as it used to be...but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
Kelly and Bud walk away in shame with their heads down.

Peg gives her mother a receipe for raisin bread
Peg: Ma? Yeah. Get a box of raisins, a loaf of bread AND A HAMMER!

Peg: Come on, Kelly. You're a smart girl.
Peg snickers behind Kelly's back.

Marcy insults Al at the gas station where he is working.
Marcy: Hey, Al. Here's something you haven't heard from a woman in a long time, "filler up". Or do I have to confirm the rumors and tell you where to put the nozzle?

Al: Marcy, I'm flattered but it could never work between us. 1) I belong to another. 2) I find you physically repulsive.
Marcy: I don't want you, you shaved ape!

Peg: Steve, it could never work between us. 1) I belong to another. 2) You couldn't handle the ride!

Overweight shoe customer: I'm going to my attorney.
Al: Would that be at the law offices of Hagen and Daas?

Al to Peg?

You spent all the mortgage money? Well on the good side we will be moving to a much more roomier space it goes by the name.........."OUTSIDE"

:lol: :lol:

Kelly on her modeling school teacher. Her pants said Guess and I said Size 26?

Al - gee office, I don't know how that rifle got into my hands.

Love this show!

AL

"Hey Peg let's really go for it all, how bout we have 2 more kids and move in with your mother?"


:lol: :lol:

"Have us scrape one off the grill so you don't have to scrape one off the street!"

Christmas is not time for regrets, that's what anniversary's are for.

Tina Yothers (to Bud): "Bud I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard this....I faked it."

Kelly: "I'm so bloated even my teeth are floating."

Kelly: "And the way they ask you to chip in for the motel room." (Marcy and Peg look at her). Kelly: "So I've heard."

Kelly (to Bud): "Well I guess no one's gonna have to yell 'Head down in front' to you, huh, Bud?" Bud: "Like anyone's seen your head in the movie in ten years."

Al(singing):
"Oh man we're broke cha-cha-cha.
"Everybody broke, cha-cha-cha.
"Living in the gutter cha-cha-cha.
"Early grave, cha-cha-cha."

Bud: "Must I be the meat in an imbecile sandwich?"

Bud: "Must I be the meat in an imbecile sandwich?"

One of my faves!

Steve: "It was rough faking failure. Thanks for the advice -- trying to figure out why Bruce Willis is a star really helped."

Al: Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.

Peggy: Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.

Al: Why doesn't the world die?

Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.

Kelly: I'm scared; hold me, Mom.

Peggy: Once you do it though, you'll never have to do it again and there will come a time when your husband comes home smellin' like beer and wantin' some lovin'; you'll follow that fat butt up the stairs because you'll know that no matter how disgusting the next five minutes may be, it's still better than work.

Kelly: Thanks, Mom; you're so wise.

Peggy: Well, you can't sit on a couch twenty hours a day and not learn something

Bud: "You're dirt, Kel."
Kelly: "Yes, but everybody knows it."

Al: "Let's bowl."

Al: "Steeeeeeeerike!"

Kelly: [Trying to read] Bud, what is this word?

Bud: 'A.'

Kelly: Oh cool, just like the letter

Mindy: "Look at all these losers."
Fawn: "To think that I slept with every guy in this room. What was I thinking that night?"

Kelly: "They're gonna make me work nights."
Bud: "So now, come dawn, when we're wondering where you are, we'll just check the TV station instead of the bushes."

Al: [Marcy has appeared at the Bundy's door with a raw chicken] Congratulations, Marcy. I didn't even know you were expecting.
Marcy: [walking past Al] Peggy, my oven is on the blink. Can I use yours to warm my giblets?
Al: [to Jefferson] I thought that was your job.
Jefferson: No, my job is to stuff the bird every night.

Kelly: (to Marcy)"What's a record?"
Bud: "For you...a second date."

Peggy: And if you had what other men have, I wouldn't need BATTERIES ANYMORE.
Al: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DIEHARD.

Peggy: "Thank your father, kids."
Kelly & Bud: (sarcastically)"Thanks, Dad."

Kelly: I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century.

Kelly: He'll be here. When my daddy says he'll do something he... no, that's my friend Marsha's daddy. But when my daddy puts his mind to something, he... no, that's Carolyn's daddy. Well, my daddy dear, he knows he's still number one, oh girls just want to have fun. No, that's Cyndi Lauper's daddy. Hmm.
Jackson: What about your daddy?
Kelly: Obviously, he's not here.

Peg: "Men are such idiots and I married their king."

Al: Leave me alone, Peg. The Bears are playing the Rams... and if you lose to the Rams, you get kicked out of the league.

Al: Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?
Bud: [on phone] Hi, Mom.

"That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine."

— Al Bundy

Bud: "They're growin' hair, Kell."
Kelly: "Why? They're old. Who looks at 'em, anyway?"

Peggy: "That's the sound of nookie, dear. Everybody's gettin' it."

Marcy: "I'm supposed to be the happy one. Not you people."

Marcy: (to Tiffany)"He hasn't climbed anything since you hit this burg."

Peggy: (to Al)"Shut up and pleasure me."

Al: You know? It does get kind of boring around her.
Bud: Then why do you come?
Al: [after another strip club patrion elbows Al in the back in the head] For this... Excuse me sir? You bumped into me and I think you owe me an appology.
Strip Club Patron: Drop dead.
[Al punches the other bar patron out and the entire strip club errupts into a bar fight]

Al: "Now I'm truly alive."

Bartender: So, where you headed, pal?

Al: Oh, I don't know. Some place where there's a lot of girls and no women.

Bartender: Oh, L.A.!

Peggy: "Are you gonna miss me, honey?"
Al: "Well, I can't until I leave."

Bud: "If it takes a thousand years and a thousand lives, I'll make you pay for this. This I vow."

Ariel: "I'm good at games, except I always lose at strip poker."

Al: "This is a matter of life, or sex."

Scarecrow: "What did the Wizard give you?"
Kelly: "A physical."

Steve: "Al, your life is pathetic."

Peggy: Kelly, its time we had a little talk. There is a thing men will want you to do when you get married; it's called work.

Kelly: "'Use a condom, go to jail'; eh, Dad?"

[In Al's fantasy]

Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Al: Do I look that stupid to you?

[Marcy has forced Jefferson to go to a men's sensitivity training session]

Al: Jefferson! Good, you're right on time. The Three Stooges marathon is about to start.

Jefferson: [monotone] The Three Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elaine Boozler is funny.

Al: "Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map."

Peggy: (to Al)"Okay, honey. Now it's time to do your chores."
Al: "Wait a second, Peg. We had sex three nights ago."

Jefferson: Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting.

"Let's Rock"

Sketch Artist: So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're looking for?
Peg: Well, he's who I'm looking for.

Marcy: "That's like comparing apples, and pool tables."

Al: You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us?

[sits on the couch next to Steve]

Al: It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking."

[Al laughs]

Kelly: "I will share myself with others."
Bud: "If she shared herself any more, she's be listed on the New York Stock Exchange."

"Feed me, or feed me to something. I just want to be part of the food chain."

— Al Bundy

Peggy: "Al, becoming an actress is very important to Kelly."

Al: (to Kelly)"Fox?"
Kelly: "Yeah! How'd you know?"

Al: "Gee, I wonder when the next bolt of lightning will strike."

Kelly: "Aaand, that's what it's like to be part of my family."

Al: "The pathetic continuation of yesterday?"

Al: "Fox Network viewing positions."

This is bad. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the backyard.

— Al Bundy

(repeated line.)
Mel Pease: "Boy, does my life suck."

Buck: "And they call me stupid."

Al: "Yeah, both of our lives suck."

Al: "Sue Fox? To get what?"

Kelly: "They took my creative virginity."

Kelly: "And what is the deal with Trix?"

Bud: "Why? I thought it was a hit!"
Marcy: "Well some woman in Michigan didn't like it."

TV Announcer: "Starring Don Rickles."

Peg, kids, get ready to torture me—I'm home.

— Sandy Sprung and Marcy Vosburgh

Al: "Peg, hand me the remote, please."
(She hands it to him.)
Kelly: "Uh, Dad, you have it pointing the wrong way."
Al: "Not if there's a God, Pumpkin."
(Al presses the remote to his head and clicks a button.)

Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

— Al Bundy

Peggy: "Well, it's not every day the village idiot buries his car in the back yard."

Peggy: "My husband...is a moron."

Al: "Farewell...my sweet chariot of youth..."

Peggy: (to Al)"You never bring me flowers."
Al: "I would if you died."

Al: "It is my God-given right as an America to rack up as much debt as possible."

Al: "...I had a career-ending accident."
Cal: "Knee?"
Al: "Marriage."

I mean, let's face it, even if you were beautiful—like that girl on TV—I'd still ignore ya. 'Cause you're my wife!

— Al Bundy

Bud: "'Fawn, Fawn, let's get it on'?"
Kelly: "That's the one."
Bud: "All right!"

Ronald Michaels: "I've worked with all the greats: Bertinelli, Danza, Lenny and Squiggy; all of them."

Jefferson: Can I stay here a while? I don't want Marcy to know I'm not at the Unemployment Anonymous meeting.

Bud: "So, Fawn. Are you still making your meteoric rise to the hierarchy of the 7/Eleven?"
Fawn: "I'll have you know that I am a buyer now."
Bud: "Oh? Well, that's a change. As I recall, back in high school you were a seller."

Ashley: "Hey, Kelly. Thinking what I'm thinking?"
Kelly: "Why don't things fall up?"

Al: "You just can't phone that parent stuff in."

Kelly: "Uhhh, hi goys and birls."

Kelly: "Do you believe that? The beaver's such a diva."

Kelly: "It was my idea; we're gonna name it after me."
Bud: "There's already a place called 'In and Out'."

Jefferson: (sees Kelly)"All right! Come on, sweetheart, let's go back to bed."

Bud: (to Kelly)"Do you do nothing for free?"

Marcy: (to Al)"Not you, you chin strap."

Al: "Why are you doin' this to me, Marcy?"
Marcy: "Because God's on vacation and He asked me to fill in."

Marcy: (to cheerleader)"It's spelled 'Kyoto,' you home entertainment center."

Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.
— Al Bundy

Kelly: "What are daughters for?"
Al: "I don't know."

Peggy: "Now let's see. Where do I keep the good plastic?"

Kelly: "...movies made from old TV."

Al: "...so, too, must a man's eyes adjust to his wife when he's been to the nudie bar."

Al: It's not that I couldn't be happy without you, Peg. It's just that I couldn't be happy. Perhaps that is the true Bundy Legacy.

Buck: "Like I give a cat's ass."

Al: "Come out, come out, wherever you are, Daddy's home from the nudie bar."

Bud: (to Kelly)"Could it be that your date isn't the only thing that's late?"

Al: "Lousy redhead lifesucking..."

Kelly: "No boy's ever bought me literature before."

Bud: (to Vinnie)"I am not a troll! I'm a boy, you idiot!"

Al: (to Peggy)"That's right, keep dancin' on the minefield."

Al: "Oh, I hate my life...can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the backyard."

Peggy: "I thought a man's house was his castle."
Al: "It is, if he can slay the dragon that's living there."

Bud: "Kind of puts my genetic makeup in perspective."

Al: Why do I suddenly feel I'm in the presence of great evil?

Al: There's only one dead guy in the mall, and you're looking at him.

Al: The best way to ruin a heartfelt goodbye party is to stay where you're not wanted.

Peggy: "Loser. Born loser."

Luke: [to Al] The day Luke Ventura can't help a friend is the day he has something better to do.

Al: "And to all, a good night."

Gary: (to Al)"Instead of kickin' my butt, you should be kissin' it."

Kelly: "I am gonna fight this with every breast in my body."

Al: (to Bud)"Humiliate her for me, son."

Al: "Husband, father, speaker. How do I do it all?"

Bud: "Can I quiz you, Kell?"
Kelly: "Sure."
Bud: "Where were you last night?"

Kelly: (to Marcy)"You know, I was getting really sick of that 'put out or get out' stuff, you know?"
Marcy: "Yeah. That too."

Al: "Well, I get arrested tomorrow."

Kelly: (to Matt)"I'm Kelly. Remember, we met in the boys' shower the other day."
Matt: "Oh yeah. The soup girl."
Kelly: "Soap girl. S-O-P-E."

Al: "Don't quit your day couch, Peg."

Al: "Who put the battery in the Energizer chicken?"

Kelly: "...I am going to hold my breasts until I turn blue."

Kelly: (to Chad)"No sugar until after you win the game."

Kelly: "Guess what that means."
Bud: "You can finally rub men and get paid for it?"

Kelly: "Best three out of two?"

Al: "Welcome to my world."

Kelly: I'm like the Beatles of the 20th Century.

Peg: (to Kelly)"You didn't talk until you were ten."

Kelly: "God. It's disgusting what a woman in a short skirt can do to a man."

Kelly: "Bud and nobody, sitting in a tree. K-I-something-something..."

Al: "Opportunity never comes when you want it."

Well, I guess it's true what they say: you are what you marry.

— Al Bundy

Bud: "Her modeling school closed down. It seems they moved upstairs, and none of the models can find it anymore."

Peg: "She spent so much time learning the art of undressing and dressing again."
Bud: "I don't think she learned that at modeling school."

Bud: "Vengeance shall be mine."
Kelly: "Then vengeance can't be a woman."

Kelly: "So I say to you what many have said before: Put out or get out."

Bud: "It's just for the summer."
Peg: "That's what your father said twenty years ago."

Al: "...and it's the same the world over: There's nothin' like bein' home with a nice, normal family."

Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

— Al Bundy

Lauren: "Sow!"
Tasha: "Trollop."
Lauren: "Tramp!"
Tasha: "Slut."
Lauren: "Bundy."
(Kelly punches Lauren)

Al: I know the perfect room. A pool room for you and me.
Steve: I don't know. I think we should get a room we both like.
Al: Well, she's got one. She's got the kitchen!

Kelly: "What a shame. A body like that, and not a brain in his head."

Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Retirement is when a woman marries, and a Man dies :wave:

Peg: (to Al) "Hi, honey, have you missed me?"
Al: "With every bullet so far."

That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine.
— Al Bundy

Al: "Give us four steaks. Nuke 'em."

Al: "God, how the years go by."

Al: "And for the lock of one condom, an entire life is ruined."

Al: "Or were they stuck in Wanker County, where, as Einstein would put it, everyone's relative?"

Al: "And Peg, and those-those little rolls, that when you open 'em up, hot comes out?"

Al: "Oprah Winfrey finally exploded?"

Al: "Now, listen. Before the festival of the inbreds starts,..."

Bud: "Her bed is used to having a lot of people on it."

Al: "Your lives are meaningless, compared to Hondo."

Kelly: "...while your daughter takes the back seat."
Bud: "You should be used to that, Kel."

Bud: (to Kelly)"Not quite, O she whose head can never be seen in a car."

Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat. Because we're going to Vegas!

— Al Bundy

Marcy: "Guess what... We're going to have a new addition to our family."
Al: "Well, shouldn't you be sittin' on it, waitin' for it to hatch?"

Al's catchphrase: "Let's rock."

Love, hate, look, we're a family, what's the difference?
— Al Bundy

Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.
— Al Bundy

Bud: (sarcastically) "Gee, Mom, thanks for the precious gift of life."

Al: I've gotta find a place where I can watch the fight so I can get out of this.
Steve: Al, I've got the answer to all your problems. Well, not all your problems, but this problem.

Al: "Iii love this country, Peg."

Woman: Excuse me but am I invisible?

Al Bundy: Possibly from Pluto.

Peggy: "You expect me to cook on a holiday?"

(While holding a wild turkey on a leash.)
Kelly: "Look at this fat chicken that followed me home!"

Peggy: "Could be turkey pox."

Kelly: "Fly away, Hank! Fly like the wind!"
(She tosses Hank the turkey out of her bedroom's window. He hits the ground instead, and dies.)

Kelly: "Who knew that turkeys couldn't fly?"

Kelly: "Apparently, taking his clothes off wasn't enough."

Kelly: (to Marcy)"Horny as a toad, huh?"
Marcy: "Bingo."

Kelly: (to Bud) "You don't think I'm good enough to be an actress?"
Bud: "You're hardly a believable Kelly."

That is the problem with everything. They try and make it better without realizing the old is fine.

— Al Bundy

Kelly: "Nothing says 'bridesmaid,' or 'easy,' like short black leather."

Al: "That old butcher cried when you died, Bud."

Ginger: "...the best things in life are somebody else's."

Peg: "I want to talk to you about something, Kelly."
Kelly: "I'm a good girl, Mommy. I said 'no camera'."
Peg: "I don't care what you do; this is about me."

Bud: "And the number of the free clinic."

Peg: "Bud, please. We both know your sister's not a tramp; she's just popular."

Kelly: "...are we just playthings for your amusement? That reminds me; I'm late for my date."

Woman: Excuse me but am I invisible?

Al Bundy: Possibly from Pluto.

Kelly: "Do you have a warrant?"

Well, because I just realized that everything I've been doing up to now, the bathing, the tooth brushing, changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed…it's all for nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm married...with children.

— Al Bundy

Al: "Now Peg, what can you do without?"
Peg: "An orgasm."

Bud: "1500 watts and no volume control."

Marcy: "It's not the men, it's the cars."

Kelly: "I'm blind like the mighty oak."

Al: "My boy's a winner, Peg. Not like your girl."

Peg: "You know what they say back home in Wanker County."
Al: "Nothin' says lovin' like marryin' your cousin?"

Bud: "Wow! I feel like I've died and gone to Dad's happy box in the basement."

Kelly: (to Piper)"Can't accessorize."
Piper: "That hurt."

Kelly: "She stole my bounce."

Kelly: "With swift and blinding violence."

Kelly: "...tomorrow, slut in a Bon Jovi video."

Al: "It's only cheating, if you get caught."

Al: "Two beers and a redhead."

Kelly: "...I don't want to do commercials in a bikini! I want to do films where I'm totally naked, or (medium pause) Daddy, I'm afraid if I keep doing this, people are gonna think that I'm all body and no..."
Al: "Mind?"
Kelly: "No, I don't mind. Go ahead."

Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.
— Al Bundy

Kelly: "... it's got all those geezer records on it."

Bud: "It's nice to see Dad get in the Christmas spirit."

Al: "I see what I want to see, Peg."

Bud: "I wouldn't be having this problem if Dad used a condom."

Peg: (to Al)"I go too slow, you go too fast. Gee, what does that remind you of?"

Al: "What does NBC have to do with television?"

Kelly: (to Yvette)"Well, first we'll meet some boys."
Yvette: "Uh, how do we do that?"
(Kelly opens her coat, and she's wearing a red dress. Several boys run over to her.)
Yvette: "Oh, you are so popular."
Kelly: "Yeah, well, I'm kind of like The Beatles of the 20th century."

Al:
You know Peg, I hate it when your mother weebles down here for her little midnight snacks which last until... nine in the morning.

Peggy:
Mom does not eat between meals.

Al:
Oh no, Peg, because in order for her to eat between meals, the first meal has to end.

Al: (to Peggy)"I thought the beer tasted like your hamburgers."

Kelly: "Daddy, I was eight."
Al: "But the judge wanted to try you as an adult."

Al: "Yeah, caught between a rock and a horny place."

Bud: Hi Dad. We're having sort of a secret ceremony here.
Al: Not secret enough, son.

Al: "You know, Barney Rubble wasn't much... But at least he was supportive, Steve."

Al: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go out to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
Kelly: Outside? But Daddy, what if someone sees my pimple?
Al: Pumpkin, it's dark. No one is going to see the pimple.
Kelly: I guess you're right. I guess I'm just being silly, huh?
[Kelly opens the front door]
Man on street: Woah, look at the zits on the blonde chick!
Kelly: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

Kelly: "I wasn't copying off the paper, I swear."

Bud: "... and I decided our Kelly should go the tabloid route."

Bud: "How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky."



Bud: "What's with him?"
Kelly: "He's old and confused."

Steve: "You sound just like those fools with the Treasury Department."

Kelly: (to Bud)"See, your problem is, you've got caviar taste and a pizza face."

Bud: "Thanks for the help, Bleached Blanket Bimbo."
Kelly: "They may call me 'bimbo,' but at least they call me."

Peg: Well Mr. Grumpy's home.
Al: (in a trench coat) Just one word of warning: Anyone who says what's up, goes down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it and it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.
Peg: Then again, I've been asking for years.
[Bud appears from the basement.]
Al: Is that you son?
Bud: Yeah dad. What's up?
Al: (decks Bud) Any other questions?

Al: "Ahh, at last. Single with TV."

Al: (thinking)"I wonder what Psycho Dad would do."

Al: (to Kelly)"Well, at least we know your fever's shot past your I.Q."

Peg: (to Al)"She sees you as I see you: cheap labor."

Al: "If lovin' me is wrong, they don't wanna be right."

Kelly: "Remember, they will never buy the cow if they can get the eggs for free."

Marcy: Look, we know Bela can be loud and annoying, and the whole neighborhood hates his guts, but at least he's a good protector.
Bud: Mom, that's just what you say about Dad!

Marcy: [about their dog] Steve, is he really dead?
Steve: Yes, dear.
Marcy: How do you know?
Steve: Well, number one: he didn't respond to any of my commands... And number two: his brains are in the begonias

Ashley: "This is so unfair."
Fawn: "We should be at spring break, not them."
Ashley: "We're gorgeous and they're, like, gargoyles."

Kelly: "This is what I spent all those years learning my ABDs for?"

Kelly: "That can be taken a lot of ways."
Bud: "And so can you."

Steve: So, where you headed?
Peggy: Well, what's the one place you would go if you could go anywhere?
Marcy: Greece.
Peggy: That's right, we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.

Al: "We will win in the Bundy tradition. We will cheat our hineys off."

Al: "Let's jam."

Al: "Why doesn't the world die?"

Jefferson: "I'm a thief. Love me for what I am."

Al: How long was I out?
Kelly: Two hours.
Al: Why didn't you call 911?
Kelly: I couldn't remember the number.
Al: Doesn't matter. Do you know what happened to me while I was unconscious?
Bud: Uh, yeah. Kelly opened a Coors bottle with your teeth.
Kelly (defensively): Don't listen to him, Dad. It was only a soda. (hits Bud, in sotto voce): You had some too.
Bud (in sotto voce): Chill out. Right in front of Dad.
Kelly: You started it.

Al: "Great Caesar's ghost!"

Jefferson: "I'd do her."

https://64.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m652di8A9Z1rq37leo1_500.jpg

Bud: (to Kelly) "I am Bud, you beach blanket bimbo. Yeah, you and the Three Slutketeers thought you could rip us off..."

Radio Announcer: Hey, what a day for a daydream. Show me an unhappy man and I'll show you a --
(a bat smashes the radio. The audience cheers wildly as Al shoves the broken radio off the kitchen counter)
Al: A shoe salesman.

Kelly: "Nice dress, Mrs. Rhodes."

Marcy: "I'm not a Bundy, thank God."

Peg: I thought you liked the Cubs.
Kelly: I do. I just hate watchin' them from the roof on that apartment building where Dad always gets the seats.
Peg: Well, honey, maybe some day they'll forget about that fan interference call that kept the Cubs out of the World Series and let Daddy back into the stadium.
Kelly: I hope so. It looks so stupid with just us and the Pulaskis doin' the wave.

Jefferson: "I'm not talking about the tornado, Al."
Al: "Neither am I!"

Al: "It's a matter of life, or sex."

[The Dodge stops at Springfield on a map]
Gas station attendant: Fill 'er up, sir?
Al: Nope. Making a delivery.
[Toilet flushes]
[The Dodge then stops at Nashville]
[Someone not speaking English]
Al: Yeah, whatever.
[Toilet flushes again]
[The Dodge then stops in Atlanta]
Announcer: And the Atlanta Braves take the field.
[The toilet flushes for a third time]

Al: "...unlike me, someone loved him enough to put a bullet in his head."

(as Al is looking over the bills)

Al: Ed MacMahon says I may owe him $10,000,000?!
Peg (skeptically): Eh, what are the chances of it really being you?

Kelly: "Work's a bummer. I'm glad I'm a pretty girl, so I'll never have to."

Al: "After midnight, we're gonna sell a lot of shoes."

Peg: "Always the helper, never the helped."

Bud: "Wow! We haven't had a bald eagle in this area for years."

Al: "This! Is war."

Al: (as Elmer Fudd) "Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm huntin' wabbit."

Kelly: "To be forewarned is to have four arms."

Peg: "Now do you see the importance of an education, kids?"

Al: "Son, if dynamite was dangerous do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me?"

Peg: "That's Alll, folks."

Al: (to Bud)"You put somethin' that I don't have I to something that I don't understand."
Peggy: "You know, that reminds me of our sex life."
Al: "That's putting something I have into something I don't like."

Kelly: "Does anyone know where there's a brothel around here?"

Bud: "Mom, check, uh, 'brain-dead blonde'."
Peggy: (on computer)"They make wayy more than father."

Kelly: "...Please, I will do anything."
Bud: "That's public record, Kell."

Bud: (to Kelly)"Ah, I see you're wearin' your easy-access dress."

Kelly: "...blondes have a reputation for being dumb. Which we all know is just a stereo system."

Kelly: "...I seek the cash and affection of older men."

Al: "I listen to Superman."

Al: "What's the matter with sitcoms these days?"

Jefferson: "To the phones!"

Al: Bud, you know what I had to do as a kid to earn money to get a jacket? I had to shovel coal, carry ice, dig ditches, pump gas.

Kelly: "Bud's invitation to the oldest virgins in America club?"

Bud: "Mom, that's Christmas."
Kelly: "Yeah, but at least it's nobody's birthday."

Bud: "Well, Kell, there go those art photos you took for Stupid Girls in Chains magazine."

Seven: (o.s.)"Hey, look at these pictures!"
Kelly: "Gotta go." (She runs upstairs.)

Jefferson: "Look, I can't help it if women want me!"

Al: "Only at the end of a rope, baby."

Phillip: "Eat hot Gucci, pal."

Al: Pumpkin, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don’t believe in love.
Peg: That’s why our marriage works.

Gino: "Good teeth, Bud. I like that in a dead guy."

Gino: "'He who stiffs us, becomes one'."

Kelly: "Down yours, Bud."

[Peg misses the $10,000 free throw.]
Al: Aw, now, Peg. You gave it your best shot.
Peg: You mean you're not disappointed, Al?
Al: Disappointed, Peg? It's the only way it could be. I wanted it, I needed it, I deserved it. How else could it have turned out?
Peg: So it's your fault?
Al: From the minute I said "I do."

Kelly: (to Bud)"...it's hard to believe you're straight. Very hard."

Bud: "Am I doing the wrong thing by lying?"
Al: "Don't ever say that, son. The proud Bundy name was built on a philosophy of lying."

Al: "Son, always remember the Bundy credo: Lie when your wife is waking. Lie when your belly's aching. Lie when you know she's faking. Lie, sell shoes and lie."
Bud: "So that really is our family credo?"
Al: "No. Actually, the family credo is: 'Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum. Hooters, hooters on a girl that's dumb'."

Radio Announcer: Hey, what a day for a daydream. Show me an unhappy man and I'll show you a --
(a bat smashes the radio. The audience cheers wildly as Al shoves the broken radio off the kitchen counter)
Al: A shoe salesman.

Bud: "So many women, so little time."

Peg: "Even the best homes get termites."

Peggy Bundy:
I'm really nervous.

Clyde Drexler:
Don't be. Just remember that line from that TV commercial.

Peggy Bundy:
"Just do it"?

Clyde Drexler:
No, I was thinking, "let go my eggo".

Kelly: "Even foreign countries like Indiana."
Fawn: "Indonesians are coming? We'd better brush up on our Spanish."

Kelly: (to Fawn)"You're wearing underwear?... You really have changed."

Kelly: "The class valedictator."

Fawn: "Wow! He ignored both of their moves."
Jessica: "Yeah. It's like he's deaf or something."

Peg: "Isn't that typical? He falls asleep and I want to play again."

Kelly: "Ohh, look up in the sky. It's a bird, it's a plane. It's Mr. Potato Head?"

Peg: "Kelly, honey, you take the backseat of the car."
Bud: "Appropriate for you, Kell."

Al: "It is what you think."

Bud: "Oh, and what about the city's culture?"

Kelly: "L.A.? We're going to Long Island?"

Kelly: (to Bud)"What does the 'B' stand for?"
Bud: "Brother of an idiot."

Al Bundy:
Ho, ho, ho. What do you want for Christmas little boy?

Matt:
I don't really want anything. I just want and end to pollution. Let's start here. You're breath stinks!

[the boy sprays mouthwash into Al's mouth]

Al Bundy:
Ahh! Always remember that Santa hates you.

Matt:
[sarcastic] Oh, yeah? What are you going to do? Chant a spell and turn me into a frog, a bum, or a shoe salesman?

Al: "Okay, who went shopping?"

Al: "He's a throw rug that eats."

Bud: "Oh, she's on a double date. Her and two guys."

Al: "That's not Kelly; our names are spelled right."

Al: (to Marcy)"Well, you're a savings and loan, aren't you?"
Marcy: "Well, yes we are! But we just call it that, you know, to get people to come in."

Al: "Get the siphon hose, Bud. We're going shopping."

Peg: [reading TV Guide Fall Preview issue]. We Are Fami-Lee. A Chinese family with three children. [pause] Ohh! I get it! We Are Fami-Lee!

Al: "Damn mannequins look like hookers."

Bud: "Better than any concert I've ever seen."

Al: (sarcastic)"Thanks for the help, kids."

Bud: "You really want to save the furniture, Kell? Why don't you stop putting notches in your bedposts?"

Al: I can't believe it. Everybody in the world is making money.
Peggy: Oh, honey that's not true. You're not.

Peg: (to Al)"You got a night job?"
Al: "No, I already got one of those. It's called 'getting in bed with you'."

Al: [narrating] So I ran. You would too if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

Al: "You can't, Peg, there's a league rule: No women allowed."

Kelly: "I'm going to the all star game tonight."
Bud: "Wait a second! How did you get a ticket?"
Kelly: "I don't need a ticket. I'm young, available, and I look like this!"

Jefferson: I think I got a way to put an end to all of this.
Al: Well, if you got the tailpipe, I got the lips.

Al: "Whatever happened to the spirit of do it yourself?"
Peg: "It's alive and well in our bedroom."

Al:"We'll call it 'Bundy Sunday Gun Day'."
Kelly: "Oh boy!"
Al: "Indeed."

“I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.”
— Al Bundy

Kelly: "My high school diploma... I am a high school graduate. Read it to me, Mom. What does it say? What does it say?!"

Al: "At least those hooters were fun to play with."

Bud: (to Kelly)"And for future reference, the next time a producer asks you what your method is, please don't say 'the sponge'."

Al: "There's a drain?"

Marcy: "Jefferson... you worthless cabana boy."

Marcy: "Peggy, and I say this with love... You're the laziest bitch in Chicago."

Kelly: ” Quoth the raven: Demi Moore.”

Peg: (to Kelly)"Honey, would you like to see some of your father's old report cards? He didn't think studying was important either. Now, look at him."

Kelly: "I mean, am I ever gonna need to know math?"

Kelly: "Well, one thing I've learned from being a Bundy is, if you're gonna lose, lose big. That's what Dad does."

Al: "Why, oh, why did I leave school?"
Peg: "You were thirty, Al."

Bud: (to Kelly)"Ho, ho, One Over Easy."

Bud: "Good one, human trampoline."

Al: “It’s only a game if you win but if you lose it’s a stinking waste of time.”

Yummy: "I like a man who's on top of things."
Al: "And I like a woman with things on top."

Bud: "Sure. Everybody makes fun of me, because I'm the virgin in the house."

“Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat. Because we're going to Vegas!”
— Al Bundy

Yvette: "Al."
Al: "As in, Al night long?"
Yvette: "As in, Al I want."
Al: "Well, then, Al you shall have."