I'm starting a new thread with transcripts and I'm gonna organise it better than the last one k. :) If u have a transcript email it to me at techno_chocolate_@hotmail.com.


POSTED:
Page 1 - Pilot
Page 2 - Not with my sister you don't
Page 3 - Sherry Baby
Page 4 - Margin of Error
Page 5 - The fifth Wheel
Page 6 - Speed trap
Page 7 - Hotline fever
Page 8 - Don't kiss me I'm only the messenger
Page 9 - Fool for Love
Page 10 - The paper chase (aka) Mallory's graduation
Page 11 - Anniversary Waltz
Page 12 - A, My name is Alex
Page 13 - D is For Date
Page 14 - Dream Date
Page 15 - Give Uncle Arthur A Kiss
Page 16 - Cold Storage
Page 17 - Elyse D'Arc
Page 18 - I know Jennifer's boyfriend
Page 19 - Oops
Page 20 - Walking on air
Page 21 - 4 Rms Ocn Vu
Page 22 - Have Gun Will Unravel
Page 23 - My Best Friend's Girl
Page 24 - Big Brother Is Watching
Page 25 - A Christmas Story
Page 26 - No Nukes Is Good Nukes (Thanksgiving Episode)
Page 27 - Working At It

COMING SOON:
1. Invasion Of the Psychologist snatchers
2. The Wrecker's Ball
3. Alex doesn't live here anymore
4. Job Not Taken
5. Auntie Up

That's enough to keep me going for a while but some transcripts I want are:

The Real thing (Pts 1&2)
The Fugitive (Pts 1&2)
Heartstrings (Pts 1, 2 & 3)
Summer of '82
Say Uncle
They Can't Take That Away From Me (Pts 1&2)

Anyone game enough to do them for me? :p
Thanx! :wave:

Family Ties
Episode 1: Pilot

Scene I: Kitchen

Elyse is sitting at the table by the phone.

Enter Steven

Steven: You're up early.

Elyse: Yeah, I thought I'd get a jump on this. I promised the Emersons I'd have this in by Thursday.

Steven walks over to where Elyse is.

Steven: This is there dream house project?

Elyse: Yeah, what do you think? (Shows Steven the plans)

Steven: There's no door here, connecting this side of the house to the other side.

Elyse: The Emersons don't like each other all that much.

Steven: Well, this is a little extreme isn't it?

Elyse: Are you kidding me? I had to talk them out of putting in a molt.

Steven walks over to the stove.

Steven: I don't think the kids were to impressed with our slide show last night. Do you?

Elyse: No. I recognize that glazed look in Alex's eyes. It's the same look I used to get when my father used to talk to me about the Depression.

Steven: Well, I enjoyed them anyway. I can't believe how young I looked.

Elyse: We all looked young.

Steven: Yeah, but you still look the same.

Elyse: Oh, go on.

Steven: Actually, if anything's changed, it's that you look even better now.

Elyse: Go on.

Steven: No, I mean it, there's just something wonderful about the way you look.

Elyse: I said go on.

Elyse and Steven kiss.

Mallory enters through swinging door.

Mallory: Oh God, are you two pawing at each other again?

Steven: I don't consider a legitimate display of affection pawing. Do you know what pawing is?

Mallory goes over to where the plates are and gets plates for breakfast. She then walks to the table with the plates.

Mallory: Of course I know what pawing is, I'm dating Richard Defozeo aren't I?

Steven: Not anymore.

Mallory: You guys have been married a long time. Haven't you had enough?

Elyse: I haven't, have you? (looks at Steven)

Steven: No.

Elyse: Sorry. (looks at Mallory)

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Mallory sets plates on table.

Mallory (shrugs): Gross.

Mallory: Is this my lunch? (Holds up brown paper bag)

Elyse: Yes.

Mallory: What's in it?

Elyse: You'll like it.

Mallory: Are there sprouts in here?

Elyse: There are no sprouts.

Mallory: Nothing alive?

Elyse: Nothing alive, nothing healthy, don't worry.

Alex enters.

Alex: How do I look?

Steven: Middle aged.

Alex: Dad, recent studies show, that you can predict success, by the way a person dresses.

Steven: Alex, you're a young man. You shouldn't be worried about success. You should be thinking about hopping on a steam trainer, and going around the world, or putting a pack on your back and heading down to Mexico, South America, or anywhere.

Alex: The 1960's are over Dad.

Steven: Thanks for the tip.

Jennifer enters through the swinging door, carrying her homework.

Jennifer: Anyone know what the capital of Iowa is?

Mallory, Steven, Elyse, and Alex all answer at the same time with all different answers.

Jennifer: Well, that narrows that down a little.

Steven: Actually, Jennifer, Iowa is the one state that has no capital. So it's the responsibility of every American to look out for Iowa.

Phone rings.

Alex: I'll get it, it's for me.

Alex gets up and goes over to the phone.

Alex: Hello?

Alex: Yeah, just a second. Jennifer it's for you.

Jennifer gets up to answer the phone.

Jennifer: Don't talk to long ok? I'm expecting an important call.

Steven: Who are you expecting a call from?

Alex: Oh, no one.

Mallory: Kimberly Blanton.

Steven: Who's Kimberly Blanton?

Alex: Oh nobody.

Mallory: She's this super rich chick at school who drives a yellow convertible and looks like a barbie doll. Alex thinks she might be interested in him.

Alex: What are you, the town pryer?

Mallory: I have no secrets from my father.

Jennifer: Yeah, ok bye.

Hangs up phone and walks over to table and sits down.

Phone rings again.

Alex: I'll get it, it's for me.

Alex: Hello? Jennifer it's for you.

Jennifer: It's probably Chrissy again, she's going through a personal crisis.

Jennifer gets up to answer it.

Mallory: Come on Alex she's not going to call, girls like Kimberly just don't call guys like you.

Alex: Thank You.

Mallory: You see, Alex's been chasing her for three months now, and he hasn't even gotten to first base.

Alex: That's not true.

Mallory: Ah huh.

Alex: I've been chasing her for two months, but we're making progress. The lines of communication are open. Which is more than I can say for the phones in this house. Jennifer, you're only nine years old. How much could you possibly have to say?

Jennifer: Can you hold on a second Chrssy? Look Alex, I might only be nine years old, but I'm a person too, and I have a right to speak on the telephone without being harassed by you.

Alex: Get off the phone now.

Jennifer: I'll call you back, ok Chris?

Jennifer: Mom, did you see that?

Elyse: No, what happened?

Jennifer: Alex hit me.

Alex: Jennifer.

Jennifer: Ok, he didn't really hit me, but he wanted to. I could see it in his eyes.

Elyse: Alex, get a grip on yourself. If Barbie's going to call--

Alex: Her name isn't Barbie Mom, she just looks--

Phone rings.

Mallory gets up quickly and answers it.

Mallory: Hello? May I tell him who's calling?

Mallory covers the receiver with her hand.

Mallory: It's Kimberly Blanton.

Alex: Kimberly.

Mallory: Oh, I'm sorry Kimberly, I don't think he's--

Alex intercepts the phone.

Alex: Alex P. Keaton here.

Mallory: Smooth Alex.

Mallory goes to the table and sits down.

Alex: Kimberly, what a pleasant surprise. Tonight? Just a minute, let me check.

Alex covers the receiver with his hand.

Alex: Kimberly is coming over to study with me tonight. Is it ok if she has dinner with us first?

Elyse: Sure, if you want her to.

Alex: Tonight seems to be clear Kimberly. Alright, very good. Ok, see you at school. Bye.

Alex hangs up the phone.

Alex picks up his briefcase and walks out the kitchen door. Once outside...

Alex: Yahoo!

Steven: I haven't seen him this excited since Reagan was elected.

Scene II Livingroom:
Steven is sitting on the couch reading and listening to a record. Elyse is sitting at the table by the front door sowing a pillow.

Alex enters from the kitchen.

Alex: Unbelievable, how can you two be so relaxed? Kimberly's going to be here any minute. Don't you want to get in the kitchen Mom?

Elyse: Why? Is it a surprise party?

Alex: No, I'm serious Mom, what about dinner? Don't you have to watch it?

Elyse: Alex, don't worry, I put the roast in the oven. It knows what to do from there.

Alex: The ambiance in here is all wrong.

Alex turns off the light that Steven had on to read by.

Steven: Hey.

Steven turns the light back on.

Alex turns off the record Steven was listening to.

Steven: Hey, what are you doing? I was listening to that.

Alex: That's depressing Dad. This is an up night, this guy sounds like he's in pain.

Steven: He's supposed to be, he's a folk singer.

Alex puts on a different record.

Steven: Now, that's depressing.

Alex: You know, the house doesn't look all that great.

Elyse: When is Kimberly coming? Maybe we can have it painted before she gets here.

Mallory standing at the top of the stairs (landing)

Mallory: Tonight's the night isn't it?

Mallory comes downstairs.

Mallory: Kimberly Blanton in our very own home. It's like a dream.

Alex: Very funny.

Mallory: She probably just wants to check out your table manners. See if you know what the small fork is for, that kind of stuff.

Alex: Come here, I'll show you what the small fork is for.

Elyse gets up from the table by the front door.

Elyse: Alex, maybe your getting a little carried away here. If Kimberly, doesn't like you or your family for who they are, then maybe she's not worth caring about at all, don't you think?

Alex: Are you going to wear your hair like that, or are you going to put it up?

Jennifer at the top of the stairs (landing)

Jennifer: Alex, I changed my mind. I don't want to wear this.

Alex: To late Jennifer. A deal's a deal.

Jennifer comes downstairs.

Jennifer: I'll give you your dollar back.

Doorbell rings.

Alex: Ok, that's her, alright, everybody just stay calm.

Everyone stands next to each other. Alex walks over to them and places one of Jennifer's hands on one of her hips.

Alex: Small fork's for salad right?

Mallory: Right, and the spoon is for soup.

Alex: Soup, right. Ok, just act natural.

Alex answers the door.

Alex: Hi, sorry I had to answer the door myself. Our butler's off tonight.

Scene III Dining Room:
Everyone is sitting at the dining room table eating dinner.

Elyse: Well, tell me Kimberly, what are you studying in school?

Kimberly: Oh, you know.

Mallory: Sounds interesting.

Alex: What Kimberly means is, it's the same stuff I'm studying, so you're probably familiar with it.

Alex: So, Dad, do you think we'll sail around the world this year?

Steven: To tell you the truth Alex, it doesn't look good.

Alex: Kimberly sailed to the south of France last summer.

Elyse: That sounds interesting, I've always wanted to go there, what's it like?

Kimberly: Well, it was ok. It's real different though. I'll tell you one thing, if you're ever going to the Rivera, you're going to have a really hard time finding a decent cheese burger.

Elyse: Well, thanks for the warning. We'll just bring our own.

Jennifer: We went away last summer too, to Cleveland. It was far away and everything. We got to take the bus.

Kimberly: The bus. What do you mean?

Alex: What my sister means is, we went to visit our grandmother, Grand Mar. We were going to fly, but--

Jennifer: There was a bum on the bus remember? (laughs)

Alex: Jennifer, eat your potatoes.

Kimberly: So, exactly what do you do Mr. Keaton?

Steven: I manage the public television station here in town.

Kimberly: Oh, what a cute job. That's the station with all the English shows right?

Steven: I wouldn't say they're all English, but there are some.

Kimberly: Yeah, I watched it once or twice. But, I really miss the commercials.

Elyse: I forget Kimberly, what is it you say, that you're studying?

Mallory: You know.

Kimberly: Just the basic college prep courses.

Elyse: Have you decided what you want to major in, in college?

Kimberly: Well, yeah, see, I really want to dedicate my life to helping others. I really want to be a cheerleader.

The tea kettle is heard.

Elyse: I'll get the tea.

Kimberly: Oh, let me give you a hand with that.

Alex stands up and helps Kimberly with the chair.

Kimberly: Thanks.

Elyse and Kimberly get up from the dinning room table and head into the kitchen.

Alex: Well, what do you think? Is she something else or what?

Scene IV Livingroom:

Elyse is on the phone.

Elyse: I'm sorry Mr. Emerson, that you don't like the location of your wife's bedroom, that's as far away as I could get it. I did have to stay on the property. Well, we could try that, but it would mean going under ground. Ok, give my best to Mrs. Emerson. Hello? Hello?

Elyse hangs up the phone.

Steven: Trouble in paradise?

Elyse: You know what I can't figure out?

Steven: What?

Elyse: The Emersons have eight kids.

Alex at top of stairs (landing)

Alex: Either of you guys know anything about polo?

Steven: Polo?

Alex comes downstairs.

Alex: Kimberly's picking me up any minute now, today's the big tournament for the Gray Cup, or Blue Cup, or some Cup. I was hoping one of you would at least know the rules

Steven: Polo?

Alex: Nevermind, I'll just ride like everyone else does.

Alex goes back upstairs.

Steven: Do you think maybe he was switched at birth and the Rockafellars got our kid?

Elyse: It could be. I wasn't going to tell you, but this morning, I found a copy of Wall Street Week under his bed.

Elyse gets up from the table by the front door and goes over to where Steven is by the couch.

Elyse: I just had a thought. Alex is going to be gone for the whole day. Mallory's on her way out too. How about we go upstairs, put on some old Johnny Mathis albums and...

Steven: What about Jennifer? She's still here?

Elyse: Give her your Master Charge and let her check into the Holiday Inn for the weekend.

Steven: Well, she is almost ten.

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Mallory enters from the kitchen, carrying a jacket.

Mallory: You two never stop do you?

Steven: Don't you knock before you enter someone's livingroom?

Mallory: Don't you have some self control? I mean, it's not even lunch time yet.

Alex comes downstairs.

Alex: I won't be home for dinner. There's going to be a little party after the Polo game tonight.

Mallory: It's a Polo Match you claud. I can't believe what I have to put up with.

Mallory leaves through the front door.

Elyse: Where's the party going to be?

Alex: It's over at the Carlton Country Club.

Steven: Alex, the Carlton is a restricted club.

Alex: Oh, that's alright, I'll be with the Blanton's. You know it's really neat over there. They have an indoor pool, you can eat on the terrace, and if you get a phone call, they bring the phone right to your table.

Steven: That will come in handy in case, Elliot Jane Way calls.

Elyse: What your father means is, the Carlton doesn't have any members who are black, Jewish, hispanic, or any other group who didn't come over on the May Flower.

Alex: I just want to go to a party Mom, I don't want to change the world.

A car horn is heard. Alex leaves through the front door.

Scene V Livingroom:
Steven is talking on the phone.

Steven: Hi yes, is this the Carlton Country Club? Listen my name is Steven Keaton and--, no I'm not a member, yes I can hold. Hi, yes I'm trying to locate my son, Alex Keaton he's with the Blanton party, no he's not a member either. Yes, I can hold.

Elyse comes into the livingroom and turns on the main light. Since Steven was talking on the phone with dim lighting.

Steven: Ok, well listen, that's what I thought it was too, I'll try it out on the highway and let know. Thanks a lot.

Steven hangs the phone up.

Elyse: Who was that?

Steven: One of the mechanics over at the Volvo place.

Elyse: Which one?

Steven: Swen.

Elyse: You have Swen's home number?

Steven: He was at the shop. I'm thinking of maybe taking the car in and have him have a look at it.

Steven puts a jacket on.

Elyse: Steven it's a quarter of ten.

Steven: Well, you get a discount if you bring it in at night. You know how those Sweeds are, they're used to working late. The Land of the Midnight Sun and all that.

Elyse: Norway, is the Land of the Midnight Sun.

Steven: Well, they sure fooled Swen, I better get down there and tell him.

Steven: Ok, that wasn't really Swen.

Elyse: You're kidding?

Steven: I was trying to reach Alex. There was something I wanted to tell him.

Elyse: Can't it wait until he gets home?

Steven: That's what I want to tell him to come home now. It's driving me nuts that he's over there Elyse.

Elyse: Steven: I don't like it any more than you do, but Alex is Alex. He sees things differently then we do.

Steven: I know he does, and I admit some of it up until now has been cute. I didn't mind the pop quiz on wine the other night. If he wants to hang a poster of William Buckley over his bed that's his own business. But, we have to draw a line somewhere and I think a restricted club is a good place to draw it.

Steven leaves through the front door.

Scene VI Carlton Country Club
Alex, Kimberly and her parents are sitting at a table eating.

Steven enters the club looking for Alex.

Steven comes over to the table.

Alex: Dad?

Steven: Excuse me, I'm sorry to disturb you, everything is alright, can I speak to you for a second Alex?

Steven: Hello Kimberly.

Kimberly: Hello Mr. Keaton. May I introduce my parents? Dad.

Steven: Steve Keaton.

Presten: Presten Blanton. My wife Emily.

Emily Blanton: How do you do?

Steven: I'm fine thank you.

Presten: There isn't any trouble is there?

Steven: No, I just forgot to tell Alex something.

Emily: Won't you sit down for a moment Mr. Keaton?

Steven: No, really I can't stay, thank you.

Presten: Roger, bring a chair for Mr. Keaton please.

Steven: No, that's ok Roger, don't bother.

Presten: Just for a moment. Go ahead Roger bring it.

Steven: No, Roger don't. Oh, ok, go ahead bring me a chair. Excuse us for a moment.

Alex: Excuse me.

Alex and Steven walk away from the table.

Alex: What's going on Dad?

Steven: Alex, I want you to come home with me now.

Alex: Not so loud.

Steven: I'm sorry, this place makes me mad and when I'm mad I'm loud. Now come on, let's go, I don't want to make a scene.

Alex: I think it's a little too late for that.

Steven: I was hoping you would come to it yourself, but obviously, you don't understand the moral ramifications of your being here.

Alex: Would you just stop it Dad?

Steven: Don't you understand what this place stands for? It's aliteis, it's exclusionary.

Steven tries an orderv and a drink.

Steven: Boy these things are great, what are they?

Waiter: Rumockey sir.

Steven: Are there any without liver?

Kimberly: The Bunny Hop Alex, come on.

Steven: Don't hop away from me when I'm talking to you.

Scene VII Livingroom:
Elyse, Mallory, and Jennifer are sitting on the couch. Steven and Alex are also in the room.

Elyse: Ok girls let's go up.

Jennifer: Go ahead Mom, we'll meet you up there.

Mallory: Nice try kid.

Jennifer: Well, it was worth a shot anyway.

Mallory, Jennifer and Elyse go upstairs.

Steven: Before you say anything Alex, I just want you to know I'm sorry.

Alex: Dad, I just want you to know that that's not enough.

Steven: I'll write notes of apology to the Blanton's and Kimberly. What did you tell them anyway?

Alex: I told them the truth. That you were my Dad's twin brother, and that you escaped from a home.

Steven: Thanks for covering for me.

Alex: You really humiliated me Dad. How could you do that?

Steven: Alex, it's hard to know when to interfere and when to let you go on your own. When you were little it was easy. Take the poison and put it on a high shelf and give you a safe place to play, and make sure you don't tumble down the stairs. As you get older it gets harder. The line between protecting and interfering can get blurry. I tripped over it tonight, as you might have noticed.

Alex: You were really something out there.

Steven: My father, your Grandpa Jake, was a very unemotional man, very distant, very proper. He was so proper, I didn't know he cared. He didn't show it. I guess I overreact, because he didn't react at all. Understand?

Alex: Yeah, I guess.

Steven: Look Alex, I was wrong to go over there like I did, but I hope you understand why I did. I hope you understand why I felt so strongly about you being a restricted club.

Alex: I do Dad, but I'm seventeen years old. When I see Kimberly Blanton in a strapless evening gown, I don't look past her for the bill of rights.

Steven: Alex, I was seventeen once myself, but I had principles, I had beliefs. Well, now that you mention it, I do recall working for Nixon for a couple of weeks in 1960.

Alex: Richard Nixon?

Steven: You see, there was this young republican, Sandra Fudderman, a real fashis, but she wore it well. I mean Sandra was...well she had...,there was a way she could...--

Alex: I get the point Dad.

Steven: I love you very much Alex, sometimes it overwhelms me and I make mistakes like tonight. I know there are other fathers, more in control, more reserved, more adult, but, none that love their sons more than I love you.

Alex: I know you do Dad. But, that's the crazy part, even when we were out there bunny hopping tonight, mad as I was, and I was hopping mad. I knew.

Steven: Good.

Alex: But, I'm not you Dad. We're two different, separate people.

Steven: I know that.

Alex: Think this kind of thing's going to happen again?

Steven: I don't know, we're both getting older. One of us is bound to grow up eventually.

Steven and Alex shake hands. Then they hug.

The End.

Not With My Sister You Don't

(Scene I)
The livingroom: Elyse and Steven are preparing to leave for the weekend.

Mallory: Are you meeting the Davis's up there again?

Elyse: Yes.

Mallory: Why is it that every time you go up to the lake it's with them?

Elyse: Well it's a tradition. We met Ron and Suzanne when we were all on our honeymoons and it's kind of nice to see them every year.

Alex: It's kind of like an old-timers baseball game. You know, you don't really remember how to play, but you go through the motions.

Steven: All right, I think we're all set.

Elyse: Four rackets?

Steven: Well I don't have any idea what Ron's bringing and I have to be ready for him.

Elyse: Now wait a minute. You're not going to get into that competition thing again. You promised.

Steven: Of course not. We worked that out years ago. It's now just friendly survival of the fittest.

Alex: If you guys don't get going you're going to get stuck in traffic.

Steven: We're going. You have the hotel number?

Alex: You wrote it down in every room. Along with the numbers for police, fire, doctor, every neighbor in a six-mile radius, and our congressman.

Steven: Sounds good. Ready to go Elyse?

Elyse: Yeah, I guess. As ready as I'm going to be anyway.

Steven: Hold down the excitement level dear, you don't want to peak too early.

Elyse: I got to admit, I'm kind of nervous about leaving the kids alone.

Jennifer: What's the matter? You think we're babies?

Elyse: No, It's just that we've never left the three of you alone before.

Alex: Mom, don't worry about a thing. We're going to be fine. Remember, I'll be in charge.

Jennifer: Wait a minute. I thought we were all in charge. Isn't each of us responsible for his or her own life?

Steven: Jennifer, I appreciate existentialism, even in a nine-year-old, but since Alex's is the oldest he's in charge.

Mallory: Why don't we go by height instead.

Alex: Why don't we go by life expectancy instead.

Alex takes a step toward Mallory. Elyse intervenes.

Elyse: Why don't you knock it off. Maybe it isn't fair that we leave Alex in charge. Maybe we just shouldn't go.

Mallory puts an arm around Elyse.

Mallory: No. Of course you should go. You two deserve this time together. And you know something else? The more I think of it the more I begin to realize that (Puts her other arm around Alex) Alex is an excellent choice to be in charge. Thank you both for suggesting it.

Elyse: Do you have to lay it on so thick Mallory? We're going already.

They all hug one another.

Steven: Call if you need anything.

Alex: Ok, don't worry about a thing.

Steven: Take Care. Come on Elyse.

Jennifer: Bye.

Elyse: I love you. (Kisses Alex on the cheek)

Alex: We're going to be fine. We'll all turn in early tonight. I'll probably read the kids a book first and maybe make them some hot chocolate.

(Hear start of car)

Alex: Don't get to excited.

Alex, Mallory and Jennifer all run to the phone talking at once.

(Scene 2):
Livingroom: There are several people in the livingroom. Many of them are making out. Jennifer takes a picture of two people on the couch kissing.

Alex: Jennifer what are you doing? Jennifer, what are you doing?

Jennifer: I bet Mommy and Daddy are taking pictures of their trip to show us. I want to show them how we spent our weekend.

Alex: Uh, Jennifer that's not a good idea. See these two kids are involved in something delicate. You see she's got something in her eye and he's trying to get it out.

Jennifer: Is that what you think they're really doing Alex?

Alex: Yeah.

Jennifer: I think we better have a little talk.

Jennifer takes another picture and runs upstairs before Alex can get to her.

Eric: Hey Keaton. How you doing? Nice party.

They shake hands.

Alex: Eric.

Mallory: Alex, I've got to talk to you.

Alex: What is it?

Mallory: Don't look over my left shoulder.

Alex looks over Mallory's left shoulder. Mallory grabs Alex's neck and turns his head away.

Alex: Cut it out, your going to give me whiplash.

Mallory: Is that boy over my left shoulder who I think it is?

Alex: I don't know. I'm not allowed to look.

Mallory: Ok, you can look, but don't be obvious about it.

Alex casually looks.

Mallory: Ok, is that or is that not Eric Morrison?

Alex: Yeah that's him.

Mallory hits Alex on the arm.

Mallory: You knew Eric Morrison and you didn't even tell me?

Alex: Cut it out will you? I'm going to end up in the hospital.

Mallory: Introduce me to him.

Alex: I don't want to bother him.

Mallory: Alex, he's captain of eight variety teams, he's really cool, and all the girls' parents hate him.

Alex: That is a good recommendation. I don't know, maybe later.

Mallory: He's coming over here now.

Alex: Hi Eric.

Eric: How you doing Keaton? Nice party. Well, what do we have here?

Alex: Oh this is nobody. Just my kid sister Mallory.

Mallory elbows Alex in the side.

Alex: Mallory Keaton I'd like you to meet--

Mallory: I know who it is. Your Eric Morrison aren't you?

Eric: Yeah, kind of lucky for me isn't it?

Mallory: Hello.

Eric: That goes double for me.

They shake hands.

Mallory: I was going to get myself something cold to drink. Would you like something?

Alex: I'd like a soda.

Mallory: Not you.

Eric: This is amazing. I mean this is kind of scary. I was just thinking about a nice cold drink. We must be on the same psychic wavelength.

Mallory: Must be.

Mallory leaves to go into the kitchen.

Kim: Hello Eric.

Eric: Hi Kim.

Kim: Hello Albert.

Alex: Alex.

Kim: Whatever.

Eric: You know this is really a terrific party Keaton. You're a wonderful host really.

Alex: Thanks. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

Eric: Oh yeah. The way I see it, my biggest problem right now is trying to decide which one of these girls to take for a ride in my car.

Alex: Well anything I can do to help. Well if you want me to screen a few of them for you.

Eric: I think I can handle it. Just remember when you hear that horn go (makes noise) I'm on the prowl. (Laughs)

Mallory comes back into the livingroom with two drinks.

Mallory: Well here we go. Yours is in the kitchen Alex.

Alex: She knows I like to drink my soda in the kitchen.

Eric: So, come here often?

(Scene 3):

Elyse and Steven are in the cabin. They are unpacking.

Steven: Do you think the kids miss us as much as we miss them?

Elyse: You want the truth?

Steven: Not necessarily.

Elyse: Well then I think they miss us terribly.

Steven: Thank you.

Elyse: I am so glad we’re up here.

Steven: Me too. I’ve got great things planned Elyse.

Elyse: So do I. (Walks toward Steven)

Steven: I thought we’d start with a short jog for distance, then swimming, doubles tetherball, and ping pong. That should get us warmed up for the volley ball tournament.

Elyse: We’re on vacation, not training for the Olympics.

Steven: You’re right. We’ll skip the javelin.

Elyse: I’m getting worried. Ron isn’t even here yet and you’re already competing.

Steven: I’m just kidding. We can have a great time without the competition. I love their company.

Elyse: So do I. I wish they would get here.

Steven: Yeah (looks at watch) we really beat them here didn’t we?

Elyse: Steven!

Steven: I’m sorry.

Elyse: I’ll get the stuff put away.

Elyse heads toward a bedroom.

Steven: Not that way Elyse. I moved our stuff into the other bedroom.

Elyse: Why?

Steven: Why? Because that room is 18X24 and our room is 18X26.

Elyse: Steven, no one in the world could tell the difference between those two rooms.

Ron and Suzanne arrive. They all hug each other.

Ron: Hey!

Steven: Hey, what do you say there?

Elyse: Hi Ron.

Susanne: I’m sorry we’re late. Mr. Shortcut thought the paved roads might slow us down.

Ron: Just wanted to try out the four-wheel drive vehicle. You don’t have a four wheel drive vehicle do you Steven?

Elyse: I’m sure he will by sundown.

Steven: Come on, come on in. Make yourselves at home.

Ron: First event here we go.

Ron walks toward a bedroom.

Steven: Not that one Ron. You’ve got the other bedroom.

Ron: Sorry.

Suzanne: You know Elyse, I had a long talk with Ron on the way up here. Lord knows we had the time for it. I think the competition thing will no longer be an issue.

Ron: Took the big room didn’t you Keaton?

(Scene 4):

Livingroom: Someone turns off the light.

Alex: Hey, I like fun just as much as the next guy, but these lights must remain on, house rules.

Everyone groans.

Alex: Hey, there’s no reason why we can’t have good clean fun with the lights on ok?

Kim: I bet we could have more fun with the lights off Albert.

Alex: Alex. Oh what the hell, there is an energy crisis.

Alex turns off the lights. He’s about to kiss Kim when the phone rings. He turns on the lights and Kim leans over from Alex having moved away. Alex answers the phone.

Alex: Hello? Dad, yeah it’s me Albert-Alex. Noise? No I, oh that’s the tv there’s a commercial for firecrackers. You want to talk to Jennifer. Just a minute. Jennifer.

Jennifer comes over to Alex. Alex has his hand over the receiver.

Alex: Jennifer, its Mom and Dad. Now you can talk, but don’t let them know what’s going on here.

Jennifer: Don’t worry, I’m no fink. Hello I’m fine Daddy. Hi Mom. Oh nothing much. I was just taking pictures with my new camera.

Alex signals to Jennifer not to say anything.
Jennifer: Nature stuff, birds and the bees.

Alex takes the phone away from Jennifer.

Alex: Uh well you two must be in a hurry so I’ll just let you go. Uh Mallory. Just a minute.

Alex covers the phone with his hand.

Alex: Jennifer, where’s Mallory?

Jennifer: She left.

Alex: She left? She couldn’t have left. She did with some guy.

Alex: What guy?

Jennifer: Your friend. The one with the bedroom eyes.

Alex: Why didn’t you stop them?

Jennifer: They’re to fast for me pal.

Alex: Uh Mallory can’t come to the phone right now. No, she’s insulating the attic. Yeah, it’s a surprise for when you get home. You’ll love it. Ok I will. All right, bye bye.

Alex hands up the phone and walks over to the front door. He opens the door and hears a howling noise.

(Scene 5):

Livingroom: Alex is pacing and Jennifer is lying on the couch.

Jennifer: Alex stop pacing, you’re making me nervous.

Alex: When you have kids you’ll understand.

Jennifer: Why are you so upset? She’s with your friend.

Alex: That’s why I’m so upset.

Jennifer: You mean he’s not a nice boy?

Alex: Let’s just say he might not be a gentleman with Mallory.

Jennifer: You mean if he burps he won’t say excuse me?

Alex: Jennifer, just let me feel guilty all right? That’s the way I’m supposed to feel.

Jennifer: In that case, you blew it with me too. You shouldn’t have let me have a third bowl of peanut butter popcorn. My stomach is killing me.

Alex puts a hand on Jennifer’s head.

Alex: Is there anything I can do?

Jennifer: You can rub my tummy. That’s what Mommy always does.

Alex sits down on the couch and takes Jennifer’s legs in his lap. He rubs Jennifer’s stomach.

Alex: How’s that?

Jennifer: Mommy normally rubs in circles.

Alex rubs in circles.

Jennifer: Could you please sing to me? Mommy always sings to me when I don’t feel well.

Alex: (singing) It’s a quarter of three and there’s no one in the place, except you and me. Set them up Joe.

Jennifer has fallen asleep. Alex gets up and covers her up with a blanket. Mallory comes in the front door.

Mallory: Alex.

Alex: Mallory.

Mallory: I’m glad you’re up you know—

Alex: Up?! Of course I’m up. Do you think I could sleep with you God knows where doing God knows what with I know who.

Mallory: I don’t believe you.

Alex: You don’t believe me?

Mallory: Good night Alex.

Alex: Good night Alex? Oh no my dear, you’re going to sit down right now and you’re going to tell me exactly what you’ve been doing for the past two hours.

Mallory: I don’t have to tell you that. Goodnight.

Mallory goes up the stairs.

Alex: Goodnight. Goodnight! Goodnight! Kids today.

(Scene 6):

The cabin. Elyse, Steven, Ron and Suzanne enter.

Ron: Hey come on it’s just a trophy. Don’t make such a big deal about it. It just means that we’re the best dancers at the resort that’s all.

Steven sits at the table.

Ron: It’s just one resort. There maybe dancers somewhere in the world better than we are, but obviously they’re not at this resort this weekend, but it’s possible.

Steven: Personally, I thought the band quit a little early.

Elyse: I was glad they stopped when they did. My feet were getting sore.

Steven: Really? Mine weren’t.

Elyse: No one was walking on yours.

Steven: I was just trying to get you to dance a little faster. It was an up tempo number and I thought we had a really good shot at winning.

Ron: You got a point total there Steve?

Steven: Yeah, let’s see…

Ron sits down at the table.

Steven: The dancing was worth 14 and you won the swimming competition and Suzanne the golf driving for distance.

Ron: I told you that weight training would pay off for you.

Steven: And we got the archery and the spelling. So for today you guys are up by 24. Overall, we’re still ahead by 134 points.

Ron: But the evening is still young.

Elyse: So what’s next guys? Sky shooting, tag team wrestling? Or the old who can hold his breath the longest and turn blue first contest.

Ron gets up.

Ron: All right. Go over those choices again.

Ron: Come on, just making a joke Elyse.

Suzanne: Some of us aren’t laughing Ron.

Steven: Ok time for Monopoly. Places everyone.

Ron: I’m the racing car.

Steven: Un-uh. My set, I’m the racing car.

Ron: Ok, I’m the thimble then. Go get my dice Suzanne. Their in the top drawer.

Susanne: I’m not getting your dice.

Suzanne gets up and walks over to the table.

Suzanne: I’m tired of these games. I’m tired of sharpening your spikes. I’m tired of ironing your glove. I’m your wife, not your equipment manager. Ron I’m going to bed now. If you care anything at all for me, you’d better be right behind me.

Suzanne walks away from the table and into Ron and Suzanne’s room.

Ron: I think under the circumstances Steve, we better play the short game.

Elyse gets up and walks over to the table.

Elyse: Ron, I think that you should go talk to her.

Ron gets up and walks over to Ron and Suzanne’s room.

Ron: Yeah, you’re probably right. I gotta get my dice anyway.

Elyse: Ron!

Steven: I’ll set up the board.

Elyse: (whispers) Steven!

Ron: Bet I can make up with my wife quicker than you can make up with yours.

Elyse: Ron!

Ron: All right I’m gone.

Ron closes the bedroom door.

Elyse: I don’t know what happens to you.

Steven: I’m sorry honey. I really wanted this weekend to be special for us.

Elyse: When you say us, do you mean you and me or you and Ron? Maybe we should stop coming here.

Steven: Look I’m sorry. I thought we all could come up here and have a good time. I thought Ron and I were past it. I guess we’re not.

Elyse: You’re a different person when you’re around him.

Steven: I know. It started on our honeymoon when they edged us in the newlywed potato sack race.

Elyse: It’s just no fun coming up here anymore and unless you and Ron can work this out I think this should be last vacation we spend with the Davis’s.

Steven: You’re right. Ron and I have been acting like idiots and it’s going to stop.

Elyse: You’ve said that before.

Steven: I know, but I never realized how childish we were behaving. I’m really sorry.

Elyse: Well, I guess I can forgive you.

Steven: Honey how could I act like that here of all places? This is our honeymoon spot. Maybe I haven’t been acting like it, but this places mean a lot to me.

Elyse: I know, it means a lot to me too.

Steven: Lots of memories huh?

Elyse: Yeah.

Steven: I’m going to talk to Ron tomorrow. You know I think it’s too early to give up on him. Underneath it all he’s a very sensitive guy. I’m sure he’s capable of having a good time without competing.

Ron comes out of Ron and Suzanne’s room in a blue bathrobe.

Ron: Well, that’s one.

Ron goes back into Ron and Suzanne’s room.

(Scene 7):

Livingroom: Alex is in the livingroom and Mallory enters from the kitchen.

Mallory: Well the kitchen’s clean. I don’t know how the bubble gum got in the oven.

Alex: Mallory I’d like to talk to you.

Mallory: Alex, I have nothing to say to you.

Jennifer gets up from the couch and walks over to Alex and Mallory.

Jennifer: I’m going to go up and sort my socks. Remember communication is a two way street.

Alex: Listen I’m sorry about the way I acted last night. I was way out of line. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to tell me. You’re entitled to your privacy.

Mallory: Thank you.

Alex: So what happened last night?

Mallory: Alex!

Alex: Look Eric is a smooth guy. A young kid like you must have been putty in his hands.

Mallory: I was not putty in his hands.

Alex: Just what were you in his hands?

Mallory: Alex, don’t you think I have a mind of my own? I mean I don’t let a boy do anything I don’t want him to do.

Alex: Should I take that to mean nothing happened?

Mallory: Oh you could or you could take it to mean that nothing happened that I didn’t want to happen.

Alex: Ok, let’s narrow down those options a little.

Mallory: Do you realize how insulting your being? I mean if I were your brother and you were my sister you wouldn’t be asking me all these questions.

Alex: If you were my brother. Eric wouldn’t be interested in you, he’d be interested in me and then you’d be standing here asking the exact same questions I’m asking you because then I would be the girl. And I’ll tell you something else, I wouldn’t of even gone out with him.

Mallory: So you believe in the old double standard then don’t you?

Alex: No, I believe in a triple standard. One for boys, one for girls, and one for sisters.

The doorbell rings. Mallory sits down on the couch. Alex answers the door.

Alex: Eric what are you doing here?

Eric: (Holding flowers) I came to give Mallory these flowers.

Alex: Well my sister doesn’t want your lousy flowers and I don’t even want her talking to you so why don’t you just go home?

Mallory gets up from the couch.

Eric: Why don’t you let Mallory decide if she wants to talk to me.

Mallory: That’s a good idea. Afterall, Eric came to see me not you.

Alex: All right Mallory. Take the flowers. I just want you to know one thing. You’re breaking your brother’s heart.

Mallory: Thank you for the flowers Eric.

Mallory takes the flowers and walks over to the trash can and puts them in the trashcan.

Eric: Mallory what are you doing?

Mallory: I don’t want your lousy flowers. What are you doing here anyway?

Eric: Well actually I came by to give you another chance. I mean obviously you weren’t thinking clearly last night. I mean your biorhythms could have been off. I’m just not the kind of guy to hold a grudge.

Mallory: What you are is an egotistical, conceited jerk. I know you think you’re charming, but personally I think you’re obnoxious. I never want to see you again. In fact, I don’t even want to see you now. Out, out, out!

Eric: Ok well I just want you to know that I don’t have any hard feelings about this at all.

Mallory: Well that makes one of us. Goodbye.

Eric: Um Mallory do you think you could give me back the flowers back? I have two more stops to make.

Mallory closes the door.

Alex: Well I guess you really can take care of yourself.

Mallory: It’s about time you realized it.

Alex: You must have really had a horrible time last night.

Mallory: It was unbelievable. He kept feeding me theses corny lines about how he could make me feel like a woman. I told him I’d feel a lot more like a woman if I wasn’t with such a little boy.

Alex: Woah. I bet that made him back off.

Mallory: No, then he drove me up to the point and that’s where the wrestling match started.

Alex: I’ll kill him.

Mallory sits down on the couch.

Mallory: You don’t need to. I say it’s about two more weeks before his bruises heal.

Alex: Anyway, I really am sorry about the way I acted.

Mallory: I know. You were just thinking of my welfare, you were concerned, you were over protective. You were a yutz. I know what you were thinking Alex and I appreciate it. I really do.

Mallory stands up from the couch. Jennifer can be seen from the upstairs landing looking at Mallory and Alex. Mallory and Alex hug. Jennifer takes a picture and smiles.

Jennifer: Mom and Dad are never going to believe this.

(Scene 8):

Livingroom: Mallory, Alex are in the livingroom.

Jennifer: T Minus twenty seconds.

Jennifer comes down the stairs.

Mallory: Um, everyone sit down. Look wholesome.

Alex is holding a book and Mallory and Jennifer are sitting on the couch with him. The door opens and Elyse and Steven enter.

Alex: (reading) And this porridge is just right said Goldie Locks.

Elyse: We’re here!

Steven: We’re home!

Elyse: And we thought you guys wouldn’t get along. See Steven the second floor is still there.

Jennifer runs over to Steven and Steven picks Jennifer up in his arms.

Steven: So everything went ok huh?

Alex: Things were fine, great, never better, probably actually perfect. Shame you couldn’t be here to see it.

Jennifer: I have pictures.

The End.

Intro. Music:

Scene 1

(Elyse and Steven in living room. Mallory enters)

Mallory: I don't mean to be rude but do you guys mind if I use
this room for a while?

Steven: Oh no, go right ahead.

Mallory: Well what I mean is, what I'm trying to say-

Elyse: Want us to leave?

Mallory: Well not right away I was hoping you could help me
clean up before you left.

Steven: Do we have to leave the grounds altogether? Can't we
find a room somewhere to hide?

Mallory: Oh you don't understand, Sherry Marshall's going to be
here any minute and I'm anxious to make a good
impression on her.

Elyse: Who is Sherry Marshall?

Mallory: She happens to be a Pi Gnu the best sorority in the
whole world, she's the president.

Steven: Is she coming alone or with some secret service
agents?

Mallory: Yesterday out of all the kids in Mrs Poger's class,
Sherry picked me to do her science project with her,
I think she may ask me to pledge a sorority so I want
everything to be perfect.
(Alex enters carrying Skippy, Jennifer
following)

Alex: You guys, can you give me a hand with Skippy?

Mallory: Oh no! Why are you bringing him in here?

Skippy: Is that the voice of my beloved? Is that you Mallory?

Mallory: I'm not your beloved Skippy we've been through this
before I am your neighbor and ex-baby-sitter.

Elyse: What happened?

Alex: Oh he as going out for a pass and he ran into the pole.

Jennifer: I told you to run a down and in Skippy, you were
supposed to go to the pole and stop!

Skippy: I did, I stopped when I hit the pole.

Elyse: (To Jennifer) Get a cold rag honey (Jennifer leaves)
(To Skippy) come and sit down Skippy.

Mallory: Ah mom don't let him sit down, Sherry's going to be
here any minute.

Elyse: He's hurt, he's gotta sit down.

Mallory: Well then at least cover him up with something.

Steven: Can't you talk nicely to Skippy?

Mallory: Sorry day (Walking over to Skippy) listen Skip ah,
it's vital that you leave now someone very important
is on her way over to see me, obviously I don't want
her to think I know you.

Skippy: I understand.

Steven: That's much better.

Elyse: Com'on Skippy let's take a look at that scratch.
(Door bell rings)

Mallory: That's her - quick get him out of here.

Elyse: Oh Mallory.

Skippy: Hurry, hurry before she sees me!
(All leave except Mallory)

Mallory: Hi Sherry come on in. (Answering door)
(Sherry enters)

Sherry: Hi.

Mallory: You know I am really glad were partners, it's going to
be a lot of fun and it's a great chance for us to get
to know one another.

Sherry: Yah great, where's Alex?

Mallory: Huh?

Sherry: Alex Keaton, isn't he your brother?

Mallory: I suppose technically hi is yeah. Anyway (opening
book) I was thinking something along the lines of
ecology, maybe a chart showing the breeding cycle-

Sherry: So um is he here?

Mallory: I don't know, we're really not that close. I run into
him now and again down at the market.
(Alex enters, turns on radio)

Alex: Oh I hope you don't mind, it's time for the commerce
and shipping news.

Mallory: Alex we do mind we're doing a project for school here.

Alex: All right, all right I'll listen to it upstairs, it's
a lot more exciting in stereo anyway.

Sherry: Wait, know what, I'll go with you. I just love the
commerce and shopping news.

Alex: Shipping.

Sherry: Ah right, y'know, I don't think we've met, I'm Sherry
Marshall. (Extending hand)

Alex: (Shaking hand) Great, take care of yourself.
(Alex leaves)

Mallory: So anyway what do you think about the ecology thing?
Or maybe you have something else in mind.


Sherry: Does Alex ever go out with any of your friends?

Mallory: No, never, he says he has some kind of reputation to
uphold.

Sherry: S'too bad, he's really cute I was hoping um we could
double-date sometime.

Mallory: Double-date, me and you.

Sherry: But if Alex never goes out with your friends.

Mallory: Ah did I say never? I don't know what I was thinking.

Sherry: Well come to think of it there's still some openings
on our sorority list, we're voting on them next week
at our big dance, that would be a great place for a
double-date.
(Alex enters)

Alex: Forgot my globe, (Picking up globe) ah how's your
project coming?

Mallory: It's starting to shape up.

Scene 2

(Kitchen: present are Steven, Elyse and Jennifer)

Steven: Ah, I've come up with a terrific idea for Mallory's
science project.

Elyse: Isn't Mallory supposed to come up with an idea?

Jennifer: Her idea was for dad to come up with one.

Steven: Anyway I think she should try making a scale model of
a molecule.

Jennifer: Mallory can't even make a salad!

Elyse: Steven I can see it coming, you're going to do the
whole project for her.

Steven: Uh uh I learned my lesson on that relief map of South
Africa I did for Jennifer.

Jennifer: I had to take an incomplete on that one.

Steven: I explained that to you Jennifer, I ran out of paste,
anyway I still think you should have handed it in.

Jennifer: Mrs Dander's pretty sharp, I think she would have
noticed if Brazil was missing.
(Mallory enters)

Steven: Hi honey.

Mallory: Hi.
(Jennifer sits on chair)

Mallory: Uh Jennifer don't sit there that's Alex's chair.

Jennifer: Since when?

Mallory: Well he prefers to sit there I think we should let
Alex have his way on that. He asks so little of us.
(Everyone looks amazed)

Jennifer: Have you been under your hairdryer too long?
(Alex enters)

Alex: Morning.

Steven: Hey Alex.

Mallory: Oh hi, Alex your favorite chair is ready I've been
holding it for you. What kind of cereal will you be
having this morning?

Alex: This kind. (Pointing to cereal container)

Mallory: Uh let me get that for you. Uh would you like some
toast to go with that?

Alex: No I'm a I'm going in early this morning I don't have
time to wait for toast.

Mallory: Well have dad's. (Taking toast form Steven just as he
is about to bite it) I'm sorry dad I'I didn't know you
wanted that.

Steven: Well t'there was no way you could tell.
(Steven gets up and Mallory sits down in the
same chair)

Mallory: Alex what would you say if I told you I could get you
a date with one of the most popular girls in school?

Alex: I'd say that I don't need your help to do that. Like
who?

Mallory: She is a wonderful girl with a great personality.

Alex: No sounds bad all ready, look Mallory this wouldn't be
your friend Sherry would it?

Mallory: Right.

Alex: No way.

Mallory: Why not?

Alex: Well just the fact that you want me to go out with her
is enough reason not to.

Steven: That's sweet.

Mallory: Look Alex for some strange reason Sherry Marshall
thinks you're cute now I want you to go out with her,
say great things about me and help me to get into Pi
Gnu.

Elyse: Mallory you sound a little desperate about this
sorority.

Mallory: I'm not desperate, but I wanta get in.

Elyse: Look i'is it worth joining this sorority though if
you have to be manipulative and deceitful to get in?

Mallory: Yeah. Com'on mom you know what these things are like,
the hard part is getting in and then once you're in
then you can be yourself.
(Car horn is heard)

Alex: Oh that's my ride I gotta be in early today.

Mallory: Oh whata you say Alex? She really thinks you're cute.

Alex: Listen Mallory, I don't go out with girls who have:
I.Qs lower than room temperature, who have contagious
diseases or who are friends of yours. And there's
certainly some overlap in those three categories.

Scene 3

(Living room: Steven and Elyse present)

(Jennifer enters)

Jennifer: How's your science project going dad?

Steven: Well it's not my science project Jennifer it's
Mallory's. Having some trouble with it.

Jennifer: What is it?

Steven: Uh ice.

Jennifer: Don't let it melt.

Steven: Well, i'it's not really ice, this is a perfect
representation of a group of crystallized water
molecules.

Elyse: Your father's very proud of it, he's hoping for an
'A'.
(Alex and Mallory enter)

Mallory: Alex why won't you help me out on this it's just one
date that's all.

Alex: It's the principal Mallory I am not some cheap floozy
available for one night stands for people you want to
impress next thing you'll be asking me to jump out of
a cake.
(Skippy enters)

Skippy: Hi, hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Elyse: Hi Skippy actually no were just going into dinner.

Skippy: As luck would have it I am free for dinner tonight.

Steven: That is lucky.

Mallory: Forget it Skippy.

Elyse: She's kidding you're welcome to stay for dinner but
call your mother (Pointing to phone)

Skippy: (Pointing back) She sent me over.
(Elyse and Mallory retire to kitchen)

Steven: So Skippy what do you think of my er I mean er
Mallory's er science project?
Skippy: Well my da I mean mine came up better.

Steven: Mallory's not finished yet.
(Steven leaves)

Skippy: Alex, I'm not just here for dinner tonight I'm here
for a victory celebration. Congratulate me and pay
me.

Alex: What are you babbling about?

Skippy: Well remember that bet we made about six years ago
that I would never get any grade higher than a 'C' in
school well read this and weep!
(Gives Alex paper)

Alex: This is a hygiene test! This doesn't count! Look at
these questions, when do you use soap? How could you
miss that?

Skippy: This is a test Alex you owe me 50 bucks.

Alex: I haven't got 50 bucks.
(Mallory enters)

Mallory: It's dinner time, for one of you. (Pointing to Alex)

Skippy: Your mother said I could stay Mallory.

Mallory: She's had a high fever Skippy, she hasn't been herself.
(Mallory leaves)

Alex: Skip, if I can get Mallory to let you stay for dinner
will you knock five bucks off?

Skippy: I'll take off ten.

Alex: You drive a hard bargain Skippy.

Skippy: You know I could be persuaded to uh forget the entire
50 if you could get Mallory to go out with me.

Alex: I'd live to go along with you on that one Skip but
let's stay in the real world here.

Skippy: It was just a chance for us to help each other out
that's all.
(Mallory enters)

Mallory: Dinner is on the table.

Alex: Mallory uh can I talk to you for a second?

Mallory: What is it?

Alex: I was thinking Mallory, yesterday you came to me in
your hour of need to ask of me a favor, I think that
my rejection might have been a little hasty.

Mallory: You mean you'll go out with Sherry?

Alex: Yeah I'I think so.

Mallory: Great that is wonderful.

Alex: Uh there is however one small favor that I would
like to ask of you.

Mallory: Name it, anything!

Alex: I'd like you to go out on a date with uh young Irwin
here.

Mallory: I'd rather enter a convent.

Skippy: I'm flattered by the competition.

Alex: Come on Mallory we can make this palatable it doesn't
have to be a long date, you don't even have to be
civil.

Mallory: Do I have to talk to him?

Alex: Skip?

Skippy: Well a couple of words would be nice.

Alex: Of course you'll have to talk to him.

Mallory: Then it's off.

Alex: Conversation's over-rated Skippy, the important thing
is you'll be together.

Skippy: Okay forget the talking, I'm flexible on that one.

Mallory: Do I have to go out in public with him?

Skippy: That's up to Alex.

Alex: Yeah I'm afraid so you see we'll double-date we'll go
together to the Pi Gnu dance.

Mallory: I am not dancing with him.

Alex: There's not gonna be any dancing Skippy.

Skippy: T'there's gotta be dancing, this point is
non-negotiable.

Alex: I don't think he's bluffing Mallory.

Mallory: All right one dance.

Skippy: Two dances one slow.

Alex: Mallory?

Mallory: I would almost rather die than do this.

Alex: Sounds like a yes to me Skip.

ADVERTISEMENTS

Scene 4

(Living room: Jennifer is present reading book)

(Alex and Mallory enter)

Mallory: Now don't lay it on too thick okay? I mean tell
Sherry how wonderful I am and all that but don't get
too gushy about it.

Alex: I'll try and control myself.

Jennifer: Hey you two guys look great.

Mallory: Oh you really think so? I'm so nervous.

Jennifer: What's the big deal?

Mallory: The big deal is that my reputation, my life, my entire
social status is in Alex's hands.

Jennifer: Ah you shouldn't be nervous, you should panic.
(Jennifer leaves)
(Steven and Elyse enter)

Steven: Well, everybody all ready to go?

Alex: Yeah.

Mallory: I guess.

Elyse: You look terrific Mallory.

Mallory: Thanks mom.

Steven: Mallory uh this is for you from uh mom and me.

Mallory: Ah thank you, I was under the impression that you two
weren't too crazy about the idea of my joining.

Elyse: Well we're not happy about the way you're getting in
but we know it's important to you. (Elyse kisses
Mallory) Alex, what made you change your mind about
going out with Sherry?

Alex: Well I uh I thought it over and I realized if it meant
that much to Mallory, it means that much to me.

Steven: Okay you don't have to tell us if you don't want to.
(Door bell rings)
(Alex opens door)
(Skippy enters)

Steven: Skip.

Mallory: Skippy what are you doing here I told you I'd meet
you there.

Skippy: I know but you didn't tell me where it was.

Steven: Uh M'Mallory I don't mean to pry but I'm kinda
surprised that uh you and Skip well I mean that the
two of you would-

Mallory: That we're going out on a, on a date? I had to do it
it's the only way I could get Alex to go out with
Sherry.

Alex: Yeah you see uh I'm going out with Sherry so Mallory
will go out with Skippy so I don't have to pay Skippy
the money I owe him on a stupid bet.

Steven: Ah, to be young and in love.

Scene 5

(Pi Gnu dance)

Alex: So this is a great sorority. All girls right?

Sherry: Right.

Alex: Well I think you're making a great move asking my
sister to join, I mean she is a girl and everything.

Sherry: Alex, did anyone ever tell you that you have a really
cute nose?

Alex: This one?

Sherry: Yeah, yeah I like the way it just sits right there
just right in the middle of your face.

Alex: Well I've tried other locations but I have always
found that this one works best.

Sherry: You're funny Alex, you know I find a sense of humor
in a man to be incredibly sexually exiting.

Alex: A priest and a rabbi are in a row boat.
(Mallory walks over)

Mallory: Hi you two, having fun?

Sherry: We were.

Mallory: Now don't believe everything Alex tells you, I do have
some flaws. (Skippy appears) Here's one now.

Skippy: So Alex, how you doin' with your woman?
(Music speeds up)

Mallory: Yeah come on Skippy I'm gonna have to dance with you
sooner or later, let's get it over with.
(Skippy and Mallory dance)

Alex: They make a cute couple don't you think?

Sherry: Now, where were we?

Alex: Oh I can't remember exactly something about you
finding me incredibly exiting.

Sherry: You know Alex, I've admired you from afar for a long
time.

Alex: Well now you can admire me from aclose.
(They dance)
(Announcer of winners of places in sorority
steps onto stage)

Announcer: Okay everyone okay this is the moment we've all been
waiting for, it's time to announce the lucky new
members of Pi Gnu. (Clapping/cheering) Congratulations
Karen Sheldon, (Clapping/cheering) Donna Baldwin,
(Clapping cheering) Annette Moretta
(Clapping/cheering) and Katie Berstrum.
(Clapping/cheering) Welcome to our little family.
(Steps off stage)
(Dance continues)

Mallory: Excuse me, are you sure you didn't miss any names on
that list?

Announcer: No that's all.

Mallory: My name's Mallory Keaton, can you check one more time?

Announcer: (Checking) (Sigh) I don't see your name on her
anywhere, I don't think it was submitted.

Mallory: I don't understand. (Sees Alex dancing) Com'on Alex
let's go home (Alex gives sign to go away) Alex let's
go (pulling arm away from Sherry)

Alex: Mallory do you mind?

Mallory: Alex my name was not on the list to pledge the
sorority.

Alex: (To Mallory) Oh what are you talking about (To Sherry)
Sherry wasn't Mallory's name on the list?

Sherry: I don't know, I'm not in the membership committee.

Alex: Well, well I'I thought you said you wee gonna-
(Sherry kisses Alex) Well Mal these things happen I
mean obviously Sherry did all she could.

Mallory: Alex I want to go home now.

Alex: Sorry I'I'I know how you feel. I'll see you there.
(Alex walks off with Sherry)

Mallory: So you're not coming with me?

Alex: I have responsibilities Mallory, I'm needed here.

Skippy: Mallory, I'll take you home.
(Mallory runs off)

Scene 6

(Living room: Mallory present sitting in dark)

(Steven enters with molecule model turning
light on)

Steven: Mallory?

Mallory: Hi dad.

Steven: Why are you sitting here in the dark?

Mallory: I was just thinking, (sees model) what's that?

Steven: Oh this is your uh science project, I couldn't sleep
so I thought I'd work on it a little.

Mallory: How am I doin' on it?

Steven: I'll be honest Mal you're having trouble, at this
point it's a 'B', or a 'B plus' at best.

Mallory: Well dad what's important's not the grade but what
you learn from it.

Steven: Well how was the dance?

Mallory: Terrible, I wasn't even invited into the sorority.

Steven: Honey w'what happened? Do you want to talk about it?

Mallory: What happened is that Sherry never even put my name on
the list, I mean she got what she wanted and forgot
all about me.

Steven: Oh Mal, I'm sorry.

Mallory: How could I be so stupid, Sherry was just using me.

Steven: Look this may be hard to face but uh weren't you using
her to?

Mallory: (Sigh) That's different.

Steven: How?

Mallory: It worked for her.
(Elyse and Jennifer enter)

Elyse: Thought I heard voices.

Jennifer: How was the party?

Mallory: Jennifer, your brother is a Jerk.

Jennifer: I know that, so how was the party?

Elyse: You didn't get in did you?

Mallory: No.

Elyse: I'm sorry honey.

Jennifer: Forget them Mallory, you don't need those stinky P.U.s
anyway.

Mallory: Pi Gnus

Jennifer: Same thing.

Mallory: How could Sherry use me like that and Alex know she
used me and he still stayed there with her.

Elyse: Oh well we haven't heard Alex's side of the story.

Mallory: Well what could he say? I'm sorry Sherry ruined your
life but I think she's cute?

Steven: Yeah he could say that, I could definitely picture
Alex saying that.
(Skippy appears at window)

Skippy: I never got my slow dance.

Mallory: The party's over Skippy.

Steven: Aren't you afraid you're spoiling him?

Mallory: It's just Skippy.

Elyse: You know Mallory for someone who was treated rudely
tonight you haven't learned any lessons from it.

Mallory: What d'you mean?

Steven: It's a little difficult for us to have any sympathy
for the way Sherry treated you with Skippy out there
in the shrubbery.
(Alex enters and Skippy runs in behind as door
is opened)

Elyse: Alex.

Skippy: Thought I saw a light on.

Mallory: Alex you have a lot of nerve coming back home.

Alex: Mallory just hear me out.

Jennifer: Yeah I bet Alex told that Sherry off, he probably just
didn't want to just walk out on her, you were just
being polite right Alex? (No response) Right Alex? (No
response) (Grabbing him) Talk to me Alex!

Alex: Can I speak to Mallory alone please?

Elyse: Well you guys do have some things to work out (To
Jennifer) let's go on up to bed. (Steven, Elyse and
Jennifer leave)

Alex: Skippy why don't you go into the kitchen and make
yourself a few dozen sandwiches?

Skippy: Okay but don't go to bed without telling me.
(Skippy leaves)

Mallory: Hope you're proud of yourself Alex you know what kind
of brother are you?

Alex: Wait a minute Mallory let's go back a few steps here
you're the one who started this whole thing, you
wanted me to go out with Sherry you wanted me to like
her.

Mallory: Yeah but you were supposed to stop liking her once I
didn't get into Pi Gnu.

Alex: I'm sorry I should have read my rule book of trickery
and manipulation at teenage dating.

Mallory: Ah, no don't play martyr with me Alex, you used me to
get out of your bet with Skippy.

Alex: I used you?! You used me first to go out with Sherry
to get you into Pi Gnu.

Mallory: That's only because Sherry was using me to get to you.

Alex: Exactly, Sherry used me, you used me I'm the only one
who got used twice. And I wasn't even trying to get
into anything well. You know what I mean.

Mallory: Listen to us were arguing over which one of us was
more sleazy.

Alex: I think you won (sigh) let's face it this has been
quite an unsavory chapter in our young lives.

Mallory: I guess.

Alex: You know when you think of it the only one of us who
is pure of motive and noble of heart is that young man
in there. (Pointing to kitchen)
(Plate heard smashing)

Skippy: I'm sorry I'I'll clean that up.

Mallory: I don't know Alex it's like I had temporary insanity
or something. I wanted to get into that sorority so
bad that nothing else mattered.

Alex: Everybody goes through a moment or two like that in
their lives Mallory.

Mallory: Where was my pride, my self-respect? They didn't want
me, why did I want them?

Alex: They do have great sweaters.

Mallory: I'm sorry Alex I really owe you an apology.

Alex: Well it's possible that my behavior's not exactly
been above reproach I owe you an apology too. You
know if it makes you feel any better I told Sherry
that if you weren't good enough for her she wasn't
good enough for me. I'm not gonna be seeing her any
more. (Car horn is heard twice) That's for me.

Mallory: But you just said-

Alex: Yeah well uh that's not Sherry that's Lisa, she's a
sergeant at arms, she's not like those other girls,
you'd really like her.

Mallory: I bet.

Alex: Why don't you go on up go to bed?

Mallory: I will, I have something to take care of first though.

Alex: What?

Mallory: I owe somebody something. (Puts on slow music)
(Alex leaves)
(Shouting into kitchen)

Mallory: Can you come in here please.
(Skippy enters)
(Skippy sees Mallory and puts his sandwich in
his pocket)

Mallory: Irwin, they're playing our song.
(They dance)

END CREDITS

SCENE 1

[KITCHEN -- Elyse is at the desk; Steven, Alex, Mallory, and Jennifer
are at the table]

JENNIFER: We beat Woodsburrough Elementary in field hockey today.

STEVEN: That's terrific, Jennifer, how did you do?

ALEX: Hey, dad, have you been following what's been happening
in the stock market lately? They say that a thousand
is going to be the base for the future. Can you
picture it? A-a market with a Dow base of a thousand?

STEVEN: I grow light-headed at the very thought.

ALEX: Look, dad, I've been making a killing on paper
everyday. I mean, I-I have a knack for picking what's
going to go up and when to get out with a good profit.

STEVEN: Alex, charting those stocks is just a school project.

JENNIFER: They're thinking of firing the coach now.

ALEX: I know it's just a school project, that's what's
killing me. Mr. Matthews, down at the brokerage house,
he keeps recommending my tips to his clients.

MALLORY: Can we talk about something else here? Alex has
monopolized the conversation all night.

ALEX: Alright, what do you want to talk about, Mallory? You
have some keen insight for us about lipstick?

STEVEN: Alex, your sister has a point. Enough with the stock
market.

ALEX: Dad, you're missing a golden opportunity here. It's
like taking candy from a baby.

JENNIFER: Brings back memories.

STEVEN: Elyse, are you finished?

ELYSE: I'm, I'm sorry, sweetheart. This project isn't working
and it's making me crazy. I think I have the first
recorded case of architect's block.

MALLORY: What's the problem, mom?

ELYSE: Well, I'm-I'm designing a chapel for the university,
and the problem is that people from many different
religions are going to use it.

MALLORY: Why is that a problem?

ELYSE: Well, I'm-I'm not sure how to allot the space. I mean,
if-if I have four separate alter areas then-then half
the time only a fourth of the people will be facing the
minister of their choice.

STEVEN: What about revolving pews?

ELYSE: I'll work on it some more.

ALEX: I've been following this one stock here: Sucundo 10.

STEVEN: Uh huh.

ALEX: It's going to triple at least, but we have to get in
on it now. I told the broker we'd call him at home.

STEVEN: No way, Alex, you gotta understand that the stock
market is a-a very complex, unpredictable thing. My
own experience with it has been rather, uh..

ELYSE: We lost a bundle.

ALEX: It'll be different this time, all you have to do is
reopen the account, I'll handle it from there.

STEVEN: All the account consists of are the fifty shares of
AT&T my father gave us for a wedding present.

ELYSE: And we're not going to risk that.

ALEX: The phone company. Where is the challenge? Mallory
alone keeps the phone company in business.

STEVEN: Alex, Alex, no.

ALEX: Mom, it's now or never. Sucundo 10 is going to be the
next McDonalds.

ELYSE: I'm with your dad on this. I'm sorry if you think
we're being unreasonable.


[Alex takes dishes to the sink when he passes the phone. He picks up
the phone and dials the number]


ALEX: Hi, I'd like to speak to Mr. Matthews please. Hi, Mr.
Matthews? This is Steven Keaton.

[Jennifer looks surprised, but Alex does not see her yet]

ALEX: Yes, Alex Keaton's father. Yeah, I'd like to reopen my
account and purchase one hundred shares of Sucundo 10
at the opening bell.

JENNIFER: (in horror) Uh.

ALEX: [seeing Jennifer] Um, pardon me for a moment. [muffles
the phone]

JENNIFER: Alex, you're not dad! That's plagiarism!

ALEX: Just be quiet for a minute, Jennifer, I can explain all
this.

JENNIFER: I don't think I could be quiet, Alex.

ALEX: Chew on this then.

[Alex puts a dishtowel in Jennifer's mouth]

ALEX: [on phone] Uh, sorry to keep you waiting, sir. Just
some, uh, prowlers at the back door.

JENNIFER: [muffled by towel] Uh.

ALEX: Yeah, that's right. Reopen my account and purchase one
hundred shares of Sucundo 10.

JENNIFER: [muffled] Uh.

ALEX: Just use that AT&T stock as collateral. Alright, thank
you. Good night. [hangs up phone] Jennifer, this isn't
as bad as it seems.

JENNIFER: I'll be the judge of that.

ALEX: What you just witnessed was done for mom and dad's own
good. I mean, their anniversary is coming up. Don't
you think they'll surprised when I give them a nice,
big, sentimental check? I mean, everybody's going to
come out of this a winner.

JENNIFER: I know I will.

SCENE 2

[KITCHEN -- Alex is on the phone]

ALEX: Turn over those five hundred shares of Overdine we
bought. Right, and all of the genetic stock. Put
everything we have into VIP. Well, thank you.
Actually it was the wife's idea.

[Elyse is suddenly interested in the phone call. Alex sees that Elyse
is in the room]

ALEX: Uh, that will be it for today. Bye. [hangs up phone]
Huh, I suppose you're wondering what that phone call
was all about.

ELYSE: Not at all. How's the little woman?


ALEX: Um, mom, I was just working on my school project. See
I was pretending to buy and sell some stocks,
pretending to be grown up with a family and a dog to
lend some authenticity to the project, that's all.
...Humor me.

ELYSE: I've been doing that for seventeen years, Alex.

ALEX: Did you have a nice run?

ELYSE: Oh, it was okay. Thought I'd clear my mind but I still
haven't come up with any ideas for the chapel.

ALEX: Oh, well, don't let it get to you.

ELYSE: Well, it's hard not to. I mean, I know I'm a good
architect, but suddenly I cannot come up with a simple
solution to an easy problem. It shakes my confidence,
makes me feel like I don't know what I'm doing. You
ever felt like that?

ALEX: ...No.

JENNIFER: [out of breath] Mom, we're really gonna have to talk
about this exercise kick you've been on lately. It's
killing me.

ELYSE: It's good for you.

ELYSE: Mallory, you're back already. You made good time.

MALLORY: Yeah, I sort of took a short cut.

ELYSE: You mean you didn't go all the way around the park?

JENNIFER: She didn't go all the way around the house.

STEVEN: Hey everybody. Oh, how's the market doing, Alex?

ALEX: Well, I started with, ah, a hundred shares of Sucundo
10, I *** five hundred dollars into three thousand
dollars. And I opened a margin account and I made
twenty percent return in three days. Then I bought
options on a South American oil well, made more than
triple value in three weeks, and put everything I have,
ten thousand, eight hundred dollars, into VIP. I'm
heavily margined but it's double the chance for profit.

STEVEN: That's very nice. I forgot what I asked you.

ELYSE: What is VIP?

ALEX: Video Industries of the Philippines.

MALLORY: Maybe you should go there and check your investments.


STEVEN: That's great, Alex. I have to say I admire your
spirit. It's great to see you're so excited about a
school project.

JENNIFER: I'm exciting about his project too.

STEVEN: Well, I've got an early meeting down at the station,
I'll grab a bite there.

ELYSE: ***, honey.

[They kiss]

MALLORY: Oh, boy, here they go.

ELYSE: I'm sorry, Mallory, we'll say goodbye at the car.

STEVEN: I'm in no hurry.

ELYSE: You guys make breakfast?

MALLORY: Now that my workout's over I think I'll go change. ...I
hope I don't stiffen up.

JENNIFER: Sounds like we're doing okay, partner.

ALEX: Jennifer, I've turned five hundred dollars into ten
thousand dollars, I can't believe how hot I am.

JENNIFER: How much is my cut so far?

ALEX: A thousand dollars for your college fund and fifty
dollars for a new bike.

JENNIFER: Not bad just for keeping quiet.

ALEX: And mom and dad will see things differently when I give
them that check for their anniversary. I'm gonna take
them down to the brokerage house tomorrow and surprise
them.

JENNIFER: Alex, mom and dad can't be bought off, they're not like
you and me.

ALEX: We're talking about thousands of dollars here,
Jennifer.

JENNIFER: Of course, a little cash always puts a new perspective
on life.


SCENE 3

[BROKERAGE HOUSE -- the room is very crowded]


ALEX: Hi, how are you? Hi Mr. Matthews.
MATTHEWS: Oh, hi Alex. I'll be with you in just a second. I'm
having some trouble with the computer here. It keeps
jamming. The circuits must be down.

ALEX: Oh, have you tried this?

[Alex types a few keys and the computer screen clears up]

ALEX: See sometimes you have to clear it during this phase or
it's a real pain.

MATTHEWS: I knew that.

[Alex watches the stocks on the screen]

ALEX: Hey, look at this. Transallow up a point. Patramco
up two and a half, that's terrific.

MATTHEWS: Yeah, it's terrific.

[Matthews pushes Alex away from the screen]

MATTHEWS: Hey, you're as hot as a crystal, Alex. You got the
Midas touch, buddy boy.

ALEX: Well, I'm glad I talked my dad into investing.

MATTHEWS: Oh, and that setback with VIP, while regrettable it's
certainly understandable. Excuse me.

[Matthews walks away and Alex smiles, then grows very worried]

ALEX: What setback with VIP?

[He chases after Matthews]

ALEX: Um, Mr. Matthews, wha-wha-what was that you just said
about VIP?

MATTHEWS: Well, there was a typhoon in Manilla last night,
millions in damages, the stock dropped twenty-eight
points. Excuse me Alex.

[Matthews walks away and Alex follows]

ALEX: Uh, are you sure?

MATTHEWS: About what?

ALEX: About the typhoon! The stocks! Are you sure?

MATTHEWS: Of course I'm sure, I'm surprised you didn't know about
it.

ALEX: What am I, a weatherman? I was in school all day, I'm
a kid!

MATTHEWS: That's right, I forget sometimes. Alex, take it easy.
So it's dropped twenty-eight points.

ALEX: He bought it at twenty-nine.

MATTHEWS: All he has to do is meet the margin call at closing
tomorrow.

ALEX: H-H-H-H-How-how much is the margin call?

MATTHEWS: Twenty-seven hundred dollars, that's no big deal.

ALEX: [Alex's "panicked mule sound"] Huuuh.

MATTHEWS: Excuse me Alex, I have some customers to take care of.

[Alex jumps over a desk and slams the door on Steven and Elyse]

MATTHEWS: That's not good for business, Alex.

ALEX: Look, Mr. Matthews, those, ah, people out there are my
parents. My dad doesn't know about the typhoon or the
margin call.

MATTHEWS: Look, Alex, the way your dad plays the market, he
understands that a twenty- seven hundred dollar margin
call isn't the end of the world.

ALEX: Yeah, well, ah, let me just tell them in my own way,
okay? You don't understand, he takes these things very
hard. When he was a boy, a typhoon wiped out his
village.

MATTHEWS: Okay, Alex, if he's gonna take the news anywhere close
to the way you're taking it, maybe you're right.

[Matthews walks away and Alex opens the door.]

ALEX: You found it. Come on in.

STEVEN: Alex, what's going on here?

ALEX: Ah, here? This is a brokerage house, they buy, they
sell.

ELYSE: Alex, you just slammed the door on us.

ALEX: Yeah, well, I-I-I didn't want you to come in until
everything was just right. [turns to a lady at a desk]
Clean up that desk, will you?

STEVEN: Why-why did you want us to come down here? What was
all this talk about an anniversary present?

ALEX: Yeah, well, I just thought this would be the best place
to give it to you.

[He grabs a Rolodex off the desk and hands it to them]

ALEX: Happy anniversary, mom, dad. I love you.


SCENE 4

[KITCHEN]

ALEX: I don't know why you're making such a big deal about
this.

ELYSE: Alex, this was not a ordinary afternoon.

STEVEN: You tell us to meet you at a brokerage house to give us
an anniversary present. When we get there you slam the
door in our faces, give us some guy's Rolodex, and send
us on our way. I admit, we're not the busiest people
in the world, but, um, there are better ways to spend
a day.

ALEX: Yeah, well, ah, I'm sorry to have gotten you down there
under false pretenses, but, ah, I've been trying to,
ah, get you to invest for a couple of weeks now, and,
ah, I figured that once you got down there, you know,
the excitement of the place, the, the roll of the
tickertape, the smell of the crowd, you'd catch the
fever. I mean, obviously it didn't work, I didn't want
it to be a total loss, so I gave you the Rolodex.

ELYSE: We don't want to hear anything else about investing,
okay? We're not interested.

STEVEN: And that's final.

ALEX: Well, ah, you can't blame me for trying.

ALEX: [in horror] Ohh!

JENNIFER: Hey, Alex, how did mom and dad like their present?

ALEX: There was no present, Jennifer. There was a typhoon in
Manilla. Millions in damages, the stock went way down.
If I don't come up with twenty-seven hundred dollars by
tomorrow, they're gonna sell mom and dad's stock.

JENNIFER: Wow.

ALEX: So much for my life.

JENNIFER: So much for my bike.

ALEX: Jennifer, I need help. I'm desperate. And please,
don't say "I told you so."

JENNIFER: I won't. I knew it! I knew it!

[Alex picks up the phone and dials, getting the number off a paper on
the wall]

ALEX: Hi, Red Cross? Yeah, um, what would I get if I donated
a pint of blood? No, in addition to the lollipop. Oh.
How about a gallon?

[Hangs up phone]


JENNIFER: Alex, I can let you have eighteen dollars and eleven
cents.

ALEX: Thanks Jennifer. Now all I need is another twenty-six
hundred dollars.

JENNIFER: You think dad would be suspicious if I asked for a
twenty-six hundred dollar advance on my allowance?

ALEX: Jennifer, let's try to be discrete about this. We're
trying to keep this from mom and dad., remember?

JENNIFER: Right.

ALEX: I mean, this is just between you and me, right?

JENNIFER: Right.

MALLORY: So, Alex, what are you gonna do? Sell your soul to the
devil or your body to someone who's nearsighted?

ALEX: Jennifer.

JENNIFER: Sometimes when you keep a secret all to yourself you
get a real bad headache.

ALEX: I'm the one whose got the headache.

MALLORY: Look, Alex, as painful as it may seem, I think the only
thing to do here is tell the truth.

ALEX: To mom and dad?

MALLORY: What, are you crazy? I meant to the broker. Maybe the
two of you could work something out.

SCENE 5

[BROKERAGE HOUSE]

JENNIFER: I still don't see why I have to be here, Alex.

ALEX: For sympathy, Jennifer. It's hard to say no to someone
when they're holding hand with their ten-year-old
sister.

JENNIFER: Want me to limp?
ALEX: No, ah, just look cute and, ah, be bubbly. Hi Mr.
Matthews!

MATTHEWS: Hey, Alex, how are ya'?

ALEX: Fine, ah, Mr. Matthews, this is my little sister
Jennifer. Isn't she sweet?

MATTHEWS: Yeah, I guess so. I'm not really good with little
kids.

JENNIFER: Nice call, Alex.

ALEX: Ah, Mr. Matthews, let's say, just for fun, that, ah, my
dad ran a little short of cash.

MATTHEWS: [laughs]

ALEX: Let's even go so far as to say that, ah, that he can't
come up with the money to cover the stock.

MATTHEWS: [laughs harder]

ALEX: Now, you know me, we have a relationship, right?

MATTHEWS: Very good relationship.

ALEX: Since we have such a good relationship, and you know my
dad and I wouldn't let you get stuck, I mean, we, ah,
ah, we'd come up with that money just as soon as I, as
we could. Now, considering our friendship, and all
that I've done for you...

[Old Woman approaches]

WOMAN: This isn't very good news, is it?

MATTHEWS: [deadpans] No, it's not.

WOMAN: We invested everything we had with you, our life
savings.

MATTHEWS: We knew there would be risks going in, we discussed
that.

WOMAN: But we're retired people, there's no way that we can
earn back what we lost. We'll lose our house, our car.

MATTHEWS: Sorry. ...Say hi to dad.

MATTHEWS: Alex, what was it you wanted?


SCENE 6

[LIVING ROOM -- Elyse, Steven, and Mallory are there]

ELYSE: I did it. I never thought I'd finish this chapel.

STEVEN: You gotta have faith, Elyse.

[they look at plans]

ELYSE: All the different, ah, religions have been satisfied, I
just have that one little blank space down there.

STEVEN: That could be the agnostic's lounge.

MALLORY: Mom, this drawing's so complicated. Why are there
three levels?

ELYSE: Well, conceptually it's similar to the Sitidelle of
David in Jerusalem.

MALLORY: That doesn't help me, mom.

ELYSE: Oh, okay, let me, ah, tell you about this in terms
you'd understand. Ah, have you ever seen Hollywood
Squares? Okay, so now the basic design of the chapel
is going to be multi- layered. Each faith will have
its own room on one of three levels. Much like the
celebrities on Hollywood Squares. Now, ah, down here
where Charley Weaver used to sit we'll have the
Unitarians. And, ah, over here in Jane Murray's spot
the Jews. Right up here in the center: the Catholics.

MALLORY: Where Rose Murray used to sit!

STEVEN: This is wonderful, Elyse. Why do all the rooms have
these connecting doors?

ELYSE: In case anyone wants to convert.

STEVEN: Hey, kids.

ALEX: Ah, listen, I've, ah, got to talk to you guys.

ELYSE: I did it, Alex. I finished the chapel. All my
problems are over.

ALEX: Not so fast, mom.

JENNIFER: Ah, Mal, why don't we go upstairs, no would be a good
time to..

MALLORY: Um, yeah, you don't have to convince me, I'm with you.

STEVEN: Alex, what's wrong?


ALEX: Uh, remember that Philippine video stock I was so high
on? I'm not so high on it anymore. A typhoon wiped
out the company.

STEVEN: Well, it looks like it wiped you out too.

ALEX: Yeah, well, that's true, I had all my money on that
stock.

ELYSE: Well, it can't affect your grade that much, it was such
a little stock. So now you'll get a B+ instead of an
A.

ALEX: [Alex's "panicked mule sound"] Huuuh.

STEVEN: I sense there is more to this story, Elyse.

ALEX: Yeah, well, there is. I, ah, I kinda called the
broker, and I kinda told him that I was...you, and I
kinda bought some stock with my money. I was going
great so I bought some more stock, and some more. And
I was heavily margined, there's a margin call, and if I
don't have twenty- seven hundred dollars by four
o'clock, they're gonna sell your AT&T stock.

STEVEN: [Alex's "panicked mule sound"] Huuuh. Alex, let me get
this straight: you lied to us, you went behind our
backs, you pretended you were me, and you spent money
that wasn't yours.

ALEX: You make it sound so bad.

ELYSE: Alex, I can't even believe you had the nerve to do
this.



ALEX: Well, I guess I just got carried away. You know, the
buying and the selling and the action and the
excitement.

STEVEN: We've heard enough about your thirst for excitement.
You're a high school student, Alex, not a Flying
Walenda.

ALEX: What a jerk I was. There I was, acting like I had all
the answers. Like I was perfect, like I was
infallible. Well, I'm not and I know that now. I
guess that realization is punishment enough, huh?

STEVEN: Not even close.

ALEX: I don't blame you. I'm sorry, I really am.

ELYSE: Steven, what are we gonna do? I mean are we gonna let
them sell the stock or are we gonna come up with the
money to cover it?


ALEX: Well, as someone who knows the market, it's my
opinion..

STEVEN: Alex! We gonna give the broker the money and hold on
to the stock.

ALEX: Just what I was going to suggest.

STEVEN: Elyse, uh, why don't you get a check over the broker,
I'll go down to the bank and cover it with savings.

ALEX: You want me to go with you?

ELYSE: I want you to stay right where you are. And you might
as well get real comfortable because you are not moving
that spot for the next six months.

STEVEN: And this is just the beginning. No movies, no dates.

ALEX: Sounds fair.

STEVEN: And no TV.

ALEX: Not even Wall Street Week?

STEVEN: Especially not Wall Street Week.

ALEX: Come on, dad! I didn't kill a guy.

STEVEN: Alex, I'm out twenty-seven hundred dollars. I am the
major investor in an underwater video company in the
Philippines. The probably have a picture of me in one
of their huts with the caption: "Our Founder." You're
lucky to be getting off this easy.

ALEX: Uh, listen, just in case, I mean if the stock does go
up, we're in this fifty-fifty right?

THE END

I'm starting a new thread with transcripts and I'm gonna organise it better than the last one k. :) If u have a transcript email it to me at techno_chocolate_@hotmail.com.


POSTED:
Page 1 - Pilot
Page 2 - Not with my sister you don't
Page 3 - Sherry Baby
Page 4 - Margin of Error
Page 5 - The fifth Wheel
Page 6 - Speed trap
Page 7 - Hotline fever
Page 8 - Don't kiss me I'm only the messenger
Page 9 - Fool for Love
Page 10 - The paper chase (aka) Mallory's graduation
Page 11 - Anniversary Waltz
Page 12 - A, My name is Alex
Page 13 - D is For Date
Page 14 - Dream Date
Page 15 - Give Uncle Arthur A Kiss
Page 16 - Cold Storage
Page 17 - Elyse D'Arc
Page 18 - I know Jennifer's boyfriend
Page 19 - Oops
Page 20 - Walking on air
Page 21 - 4 Rms Ocn Vu
Page 22 - Have Gun Will Unravel
Page 23 - My Best Friend's Girl
Page 24 - Big Brother Is Watching
Page 25 - A Christmas Story
Page 26 - No Nukes Is Good Nukes (Thanksgiving Episode)
Page 27 - Working At It

COMING SOON:
1. Invasion Of the Psychologist snatchers
2. The Wrecker's Ball
3. Alex doesn't live here anymore
4. Job Not Taken
5. Auntie Up

That's enough to keep me going for a while but some transcripts I want are:

The Real thing (Pts 1&2)
The Fugitive (Pts 1&2)
Heartstrings (Pts 1, 2 & 3)
Summer of '82
Say Uncle
They Can't Take That Away From Me (Pts 1&2)

Anyone game enough to do them for me? :p
Thanx! :wave:

Living room: Steven and Elyse come down the stairs getting ready to go out for
the evening.
Steven: Elyse, it isn't like you to have such a closed-mind. I think Dale
Lewis would make a good state senator. He has some very interesting ideas.

Elyse: Sorry Steven, it's just hard to get excited about someone who's entire
campaign revolves around changing the state bird.

Steven: What do you have against chickens?

Elyse: I don't think chickens would look good on a state flag.

Steven: Ok, ok, but changing the bird is just part of his campaign.

Elyse: Right he also wants a new Ohio State song.

Steven: What's wrong with that?

Elyse: He wants Oklahoma.

Steven: Ok, it's not a big issue, it just shows that he's willing to adress
himself to even the smallest details. I think that's an admirable quality.

Elyse: It's an admirable quality in a tailor. I want my representatives to
address themselves to more important issues.

Steven: Look, if your so dead sent against Lewis, there's no point in you
hearing him speak tonight, why don't you just stay home?

Elyse: Maybe I will.

Alex: Good for you Mom, this Lewis guy is a real clown, he wants to cut
defense spending, he wants to increase welfare spending, he supports the ERA,
the man is an admitted liberal. I think you're right not to go.

Elyse: Come on Steven, we're going to be late.
As Elyse and Steven walk towards the front door to leave, Mallory and

Jennifer enter from the kitchen.

Mallory: Jennifer says I have to babysit tonight.

Steven: That's right Mallory, it's your turn.

Mallory: But, Jeff asked me to go to the movies with him.

Steven: You knew we were going out, and you knew it was your turn.

Mallory: I couldn't say no. You know how insecure Jeff is. As it was, he
called three times in a phony voice, it might be weeks before he asks again.

Jennifer: Why don't you let her go, to be honest I enjoy the salitude. I
might even write a poem.

Elyse: Actually honey, you're still too young to stay alone.

Steven: We better get going or we'll be late to the meeting.

Elyse: We don't want to miss the opening course of Oklahoma.

Steven: Bye.

Elyse: Bye.

Alex, Mallory & Jennifer: Bye.

Mallory walks over to Alex.

Mallory: Alex.

Alex: The answer is no.

Mallory: Oh, why can't you stay with her? You're not doing anything tonight.

Alex: That's not the point. Mallory, she's your responsibility tonight. You
have to learn to carry your share of the burden around here.

Mallory: I tell you what Alex, you stay with her this time, and I'll do it
the next three.

Alex: Make it five, and you got a deal.

Mallory: Got it.

Jennifer: This is doing great things to my self-esteem.

Alex: I just hope you realize Mallory, that you are shirking your
responsibility tonight, not to mention disappointing your little sister.

Mallory: I know, I know, my heart goes out to her, I have to go find
something decent to wear.

Alex: Well kid, you lucked out, you get to spend an evening with me. What do
you want to do?

Jennifer: I think I'll go to bed early.

Kitchen:
Mallory, Alex and Jennifer are sitting at the kitchen table.
The phone rings, Alex gets up to answer it.

Alex: Hello? Oh hi Neil, what's going on? Oh, I can't tonight, I'm
babysitting my little, oh really, no tonight's not good for me, wow, that's
tempting...maybe I could....

Mallory and Jennifer: Alex!

Alex: It's about 50/50

Mallory and Jennifer look at Alex

Alex: 60/40

Mallory and Jennifer look at Alex

Alex: I'll get back to you.

Mallory: What was it? Another party?

Alex: No, not at all, just a group of fellow young men, getting together to
chat about world events.

Jennifer: A poker game.

Alex: You got it. And Chuck the fish is going to be there, he never wins. How
could I talk you in to staying tonight?

Mallory: You couldn't. We switched tonight, and a deal's a deal.
(Jeff knocks at the kitchen door)

Jeff: Hello Mallory.

Mallory: Hello Jeff.

Jeff: Hello Alex.

Alex: So, Jeff, you're really going out with Mallory tonight huh?

Jeff: Yeah.

Alex: Boy, I admire your courage.

Jeff: What do you mean?

Alex: I just wouldn't drive on a night like tonight.

Jeff: It's a beautiful night.

Alex: Those are the most dangerous times to drive. All the people who are
afraid to drive in the rain are out there.

Mallory: Forget it Alex, we're going.

Jeff: I don't know Mallory, maybe he's right.

Mallory: Jeff.

Jeff: Ok.

Mallory: Look Jen, I'm real sorry I switched with Alex tonight, but you
understand don't you?

Jennifer: Not exactly, but I'm sure I will, right after puberty.

Jeff: I'll see you later. You guys have a good time.

Mallory: Jeff.

Jeff: Yeah.

Mallory and Jeff leave through the kitchen door.

Alex: So, what do you want to do?

Jennifer: Want to play Cinderella?

Alex: I seriously doubt it.

Jennifer: Hear me out, one of us gets dressed up like Cinderella, and one of
us gets dressed up like the prince, and then we go and see if Mom's slippers
fit me.

Alex: It sounds exciting, but I think I'll pass. Jennifer, let me explain to
you the importance of poker in a man's life.

Jennifer: Alex, you're not going to the game.

Alex: In this industrial society of ours, there aren't a lot of battles for a
man to fight, there aren't a lot of opportunities to go one on one with
another man, there aren't a lot of tests of one's courage and stanama, do you
know what I mean?

Jennifer: Do you want to get Mom's slippers? Or should I?

Alex: I've got a better idea get your coat.

Jennifer: You're not throwing me out into the street are you? I saw Nicholas
Nicklebee, I know what can happen to kids out there.

Alex: Don't worry, your going to the game with me. It'll be fun.

Jennifer: Alex, I'm not going.

Alex: You have no choice.

Jennifer: Then I'm going.

Alex: I'm just going to write Mom and Dad a note, I wouldn't want them to
worry about you.

Jennifer: Why would they worry? I'm obviously in good hands.

At Neil's apartment:

Guy: I think it's about 20 cents.

Guy: I'm in.

Guy: I'm in.

Jennifer: What are you nuts?

Alex: Jennifer knock it off.

Jennifer: Then let me play, I'm bored, besides you promised I could.



Alex: Listen up guys, is it all right if my sister plays one hand with us? I
dragged her all the way here, she's tired, cranky, and I think just playing
the one hand would mean a lot to her.

Guys: No!

Guy: Deal.

Guy: I fold.

Jennifer: Alex!

Alex: You heard the guys Jennifer, they said no, what else can I do? Neil, do
you have any toys she can play with?

Neil: Toys?

Alex: Yeah, a model car, a doll, some silly putty?

Neil: I have a toaster.

Alex: Jennifer, Neil says you can play with his toaster.

Jennifer: Wow, if you had some bread it would be really fun.

Neil: Don't stick a fork in it kid.

Jennifer: You don't own any forks.

Neil: Excuse me, this isn't a restaurant

Jennifer: This isn't an apartment either.

Alex: Just leave us alone please? Neil, are you in or out?

Neil: I'm in, I already put in my money.

Guy: Those are my quarters.

Guy: How do you know their yours?

Jennifer leaves the apartment feeling left out. No one notices.

Guy: How do you know their not?

Alex: Come on, I don't think Neil would lie about 50 cents.

Neil: Thankyou Alex.

Alex: A buck maybe.

Guy: I'm in.

Guy: I'm in too.

Guy: I have three kings.

Guy: I have two pair.

Alex: Not so fast Areny, full house, seven's over Jacks.

Guy: Damn.

Alex: Don't be such a sore loser Areny, and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't
swear in front of my sister.

Areny: Sorry Alex, sorry Jennifer. Jennifer, Jennifer, where's Jennifer Alex?

Alex: What are you talking about? She's right over there. Jennifer. Jennifer.
Quit hiding. Ok, I'm sorry I said what I said, Ok? Jennifer? Jennifer, she's
not there, she's not there! She's gone, I can't believe it. Where could she
go?

Neil: Check and see if the toaster is still here.

Areny: Come on Alex, annie up.

Alex: Areny, my sister is gone.

Areny: Are you in or out?

Alex: I'm out, I'm out.

Areny: Come on Alex, you're the big winner, you can't drop out now, I'm
losing a bundle here.

Knock at door.

Alex: She's back, she's back. Thank God.

Elyse and Steven are at the door.

Alex: Hi, what are you doing here?

Elyse: We got your note, we thought we'd come by and pick up Jennifer.

Guy: Would you like to sit down Mrs. Keaton?

Elyse: If I sit down, I'm afraid I wouldn't want to get up.

Steven: Where is Jennifer, Alex?

Alex: She's...she's with Jeff and Mallory. Yeah, they just came by a few
minutes ago to pick her up. I'm surprised you didn't pass them in the hall.

Elyse and Steven: No.

Alex: She was fast asleep, they had to carry her down to the car. It was
really cute, right guys?

Guys: Yeah, yeah.

Guy: Darling. The most darling thing I've ever seen.

Guy: Really, really precious.

Steven: Ok, then, we'll see you at home then Alex, do you think you'll be
much longer?

Alex: No, no, not at all. As a matter of fact, we were just about to quit.
Right guys?

Guys: Right.

Alex: Well, I had fun, Mom, Dad I'll see you at home in a few minutes, see
you next week.

Elyse: Nice to meet you.

Guy: Same here.

Mallory and Jeff are in the livingroom by the couch.

Mallory: Jeff, sit.

Jeff: So did you enjoy the movie?

Mallory: I did. I really did.

Jeff. Most people don't enjoy Truefol the first time.

Mallory: Well I did.

Jeff. And you could follow it in French?

Mallory: It was in French?

Jeff: Where's Alex and Jennifer?

Mallory: Who? Oh, I guess they're upstairs.

Jeff: What's the note?

Mallory: Oh. Dear Mom and Dad, everything's fine, Mallory had a date, so I'm
in charge of Jennifer, we went to Neil's.

Jeff: So no one else is home then?

Mallory: No, just you and me.

Jeff: Maybe I should leave.

Mallory: I don't think so.

Mallory kisses Jeff.

Alex comes in through the front door.

Alex grabs Jeff, to get to Mallory.

Alex: Mallory!

Jeff: I made her do it Alex, I'm an animal, I don't deserve to live.

Alex: Where's Jennifer?

Mallory: I thought she was with you.

Jeff: I got caught up in the moment, I couldn't control myself.

Alex: Jeff.

Jeff: I'm not normally like this, I don't know what came over me, when I'm
around Mallory I go crazy.

Alex: Jeff, calm down, we have other problems here. I lost Jennifer.

Mallory: I thought you took her to the card game with you!

Alex: I did, but when I was playing she just wandered off.

Mallory: Oh no.

Alex: Mom and Dad came to the card game to get her.

Mallory; Oh no.

Alex: They're right behind me. I had to drive on the side walk to beat them
home.

Jeff: Maybe Jennifer came home, and is upstairs sleeping.

Alex: I hope your right.

Mallory: I'll look.

Mallory goes upstairs.

Alex: I sort of told my parents that Jennifer was with you so I'd appreciate
it if you'd...

Jeff: Lie?

Alex: That about says it yeah.

Jeff: Sure Alex, if you want me to. Look, if Jennifer's not home, maybe we
should go and look for her, we both have cars.

Alex: Good idea, Jeff, thankyou for your support I'm glad your here.

Jeff: Not at all.

They hug.

Elyse and Steven come in through the front door to find Alex and Jeff
hugging.
Steven: Your certainly not the two I expected to see on the couch. Where's
Mallory:?

Alex: She went upstairs to check on Jennifer.

Mallory comes downstairs.

Elyse: Hi, everything all right with Jen?

Mallory looks over at Alex: Yeah, everything's just fine.

Elyse: Well, I think I'll go and tuck her in.

Mallory: Oh, you don't need to do that. I just tucked her in, she's fully
tucked.

Alex: So how was your meeting? Are you guys going to vote for Dale Lewis?

Steven: No way, boy, was I wrong about him.

Elyse: Yeah, he's great!

Alex: Wait a minute, when you left, I thought Dad was for him and you were
against him? What happened?

Elyse and Steven: We heard him speak.

Alex: You'll have to excuse us, I'm going to drive Jeff home.

Jeff: Goodnight Mr. Keaton, goodnight Mrs. Keaton. Bojour Mallory.

Mallory: Bojour Jeff.

Alex: Jeff I'm waiting.

Steven: Why are you driving him Alex? Jeff has a car.

Alex: Jeff has a low battery, and I'm going to follow him in case he gets
into trouble.

Elyse: If you want to go along for the ride, and come back with Alex, it's
ok.

Mallory: Oh, no thanks, I'm pretty tired.

Steven: Well, I"m kind of tired too, I think I'll go up to bed.

Elyse: Me too.

Mallory: Wait.

Elyse: What?

Mallory: Nothing, I just thought we could talk before you went upstairs
that's all.

Elyse: I'm awfully tired, honey, can it wait until tomorrow?

Steven and Elyse head up the stairs.

Mallory: I guess, I just wanted to talk about boys and sex.

Elyse and Steven come back down the stairs.

Elyse and Mallory are sitting on the couch and Steven is standing near by.

Elyse looks bored, and half asleep, while Mallory looks intently while Steven
talks.

Steven: And then the young kangaroo suckling lives in it's mother's pouch for
many months, until it's able to venture out on it's own.

Elyse: I think she knows all that Steven, I think she wants to talk about men
and women.

Alex comes in through front door.

Elyse: Alex, where have you been? You've been gone for almost an hour!

Steven: Did Jeff have car trouble?

Alex: Yes, yes he did as a matter of fact.

Alex: Has Jennifer woken up yet?

Mallory: Not yet.

Elyse: Why should Jennifer wake up?

Steven: Alex, is anything wrong?

Going back and forth between Elyse and Steven:

Alex: Yes, yes it is. It's kind of a long story. You see, I didn't want to
play Cinderella, all night and dress up in your clothes Mom, you know how shy
Jeff is, I got the call about the game, Chuck hasn't won a hand in three
months, they offered her the toaster.

Elyse: Alex, what are you talking about?

Alex: I took Jennifer to the game, and lost her.

Steven: You lost Jennifer in a card game?

Alex: No, no, I mean she disappeared from the apartment.

Elyse: What?

Steven: You don't know where she is?!

Alex: We figured she came home.

Steven: I'm calling the police. Elyse, call Chrissy's house, see if she went
there. Alex call Neil's and see if she came back.

They all head for the phone.

Elyse: Steven, we've only got one phone!

Steven: Alex, go next door to Mrs. Obeck's and use her phone.

Elyse: I'll go to the Barkers.

They go in different directions, meanwhile Jennifer comes in through the
front door.

Jennifer: Hello.

Everyone: Jennifer.

Steven: Jennifer baby are you ok?

Jennifer: I'm fine, I'm fine, just a little tired.

Alex: Where were you? I was worried sick about you.

Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, I bet.

Elyse: Where were you?

Jennifer: I took the bus, I was with someone lonelier then me, the bus
driver. Oh by the way he's coming over next Thursday night for dinner.

The bus driver honks.

Jennifer: It's ok Sam, you can go now, bye.

Elyse: Jennifer you can't just walk away like that, we were scared to death.

Jennifer: I know, I'm sorry, I just got sick of being in the way.

Steven: Honey, honey, you've never been in the way, Alex and Mallory won't
get off so easy.

Jennifer: Don't be too hard on them dad, I'm just a little sister, why should
I expect anyone to want to spend time with me.

Jennifer runs upstairs.

Jennifer is sitting on her bed looking sad.

Alex and Mallory knock on her door.

Alex: Hi, Mom said you'd see us now. Can we come in?

Jennifer: Sure.

Mallory: Thanks.

Jennifer: I guess you want me to leave then.

Alex: Wait a minute. Why would we want you to leave?

Jennifer: Well, you never seem to want me around lately.

Mallory: Come on Jennifer that's not true.

Jennifer: Oh, yeah, is that why you dumped me for Jeff?

Mallory: Jennifer.

Alex: She was only...

Jennifer: At least she dumped me for a nice guy Alex, you dumped me for a
group of wine-o's.

Mallory: Yeah, Alex.

Alex: Hey, who's side are you on here?

Jennifer: On the other hand, Mallory you hurt me even more. I don't expect
anything from Alex.

Alex: Yeah Mallory, what do you mean you don't expect anything of me? Are you
saying I neglected you?

Jennifer: Alex, the only time you talk to me is, when you want me to leave
the room or you need some money.

Alex: How can you say that? I talked to you this morning. I said, hey, how
you doing?

Jennifer: I'm touched.

Mallory: Look Jennifer, I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but
we're grounded.

Jennifer: For how long?

Alex: Lets put it this way, you'll be driving before we will.

Jennifer: Look, I don't know why you guys are here. You don't care about me.
It's always, you're too young for this Jennifer, or we can't go because of

you Jennifer. I'm not a person, I'm a little sister.

Mallory: Jennifer we don't really treat you like that.

Jennifer: Yes you do. You guys are always so busy. You never have time for
me. Alex, your busy with your work, your clubs, your school. Mallory, your
busy with your boys, and what else do you do?

Alex: It's just because we're older Jennifer, when you get to be our age,
you'll be busy too.

Jennifer: I'll never be your age. No matter what I do, you guys will always
get to do it first.

Alex: That's true Jennifer, but there's a lot of advantages to being the
youngest.

Jennifer: Like what?

Alex: Well, for one thing, Mallory and I have wore Mom and Dad down, we've
trained them, by the time your own age, you'll be running this place.

Jennifer: That is something to look forward to, but what am I supposed to do
between now and then?

Mallory: We'll try to make it more fun for you Jen.

Jennifer: Will you guys let me get in trouble with you more often?

Alex: Sure we will.

Jennifer: Will you take all the blame when we do?

Alex: We always do.

Jennifer: I know. That's my favorite part about being a little sister.

Alex: You know Jennifer, when we didn't know where you were, we were really
worried about you.

Jennifer: Mean it?

Alex: There was a moment there when I wondered what it would be like if you
weren't around and I didn't like the idea. For one thing I'd be stuck here
alone with Mallory.

Mallory: We love you Jennifer, sometimes we forget to say it, but we do.

Jennifer: You too Alex?

Alex: Me too.

Elyse and Steven knock on Jennifer's door.

Elyse: Just wanted to count heads.

Steven: One, two, three, all present and accounted for. The next count will
be at 0:100 hours.

Jennifer: You don't have to do that anymore Dad, I'm not going to run away
again.

Alex: Yeah, we'll keep her happy, we'll make sure she gets out every now and
then, we'll feed her, and keep her clean.

Steven: No child could ask for more.

Elyse: At least now, we're aware of how Jennifer feels, maybe something good
has come out of tonight after all.

Alex: That's true, today has been a very positive experience, things we've
learned...

Steven: Can it Alex, you're still in big trouble. Jennifer, I know you feel
that sometimes you get lost in the shuffle, and that's wrong, we should watch
out for that.

Elyse: But, even if that does happen, please remember, we love you, and we
don't mean to take you for granted.

Mallory: If I've taken anyone for granted in the past six months, I
apologize.

Everyone: I except.

Alex: And hey, I'm not totally blameless here.

Elyse: Don't be so rough on yourself Alex.

Alex: No, no, I mean it, sometimes I'm not as sensitive to all of you as I
could be.

Everyone: No.

Alex: And sometimes, I'm a little too self-centered.

Everyone: No.

Alex: Well, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Steven: It was a real catharsis Alex, I'm drained.

Alex: Well, come on Jennifer, what do you want to do tonight? You name it,
I'm your guy. You want to play all-star baseball?

Jennifer: Nope.

Alex: Clue?

Jennifer: Nope.

Alex: What do you want to do?

Jennifer: You know what I want to play.

Alex: I'll go get Mommy's slippers.

Alex and Jennifer hug.

Intro. Music:

Scene 1

(Kitchen. Present are Elyse, Mallory, Steven, Jennifer.)
(Alex enters reading)

Elyse: Alex! Glad you could make it down to the final thirty
seconds of dinner.

Alex: Oh, sorry Mom, I was in the middle of studying, you
know if I was to break concentration at that point it
would have been a fatal error. This week every
minute, every second is precious.

Mallory: Don't be so melodramatic Alex, what's the big deal
about studying for mid-terms?

Alex: (Dropping plate on counter) Why don't you try it
sometime and find out Mallory?

Steven: Alex, Mallory's been making great strides this year in
her schoolwork, didn't you say you thought you'd get
a 'B' in biology this term?

Mallory: I did say that, I did think that, I was wrong.

Alex: Anyway it's not the same dad you see I'm a senior,
these are the last grades I'll get that'll count
towards college, oh and on top of that the state
scholarship exam is on Saturday. I'm probably gonna
emerge this week a babbling idiot.

Jennifer: You're a week ahead of schedule!

Elyse: Oh Steven, your special's about to start.

Steven: Come on kids you'll love it, it's called the
Wolverine, a vanishing breed.

Elyse: You know what a Wolverine is don't you Jen?

Jennifer: Sure, it's half wolf and half nectarine.

Steven: You better watch the show.
(Steven, Elyse and Jennifer leave)

Alex: Ah Mallory, can I talk to you for a second?

Mallory: Why? What d'you want?

Alex: It's just a small thing.

Mallory: Well the size surprises me.



Alex: Okay listen huh, I'm in trouble, I'I'I've got more
work to do this week that, than even I can manage, I
need your help.

Mallory: Do you want me to write one of your term papers for
you?

Alex: (Looking dazed) This is no time for jokes Mal. Look,
the help I need from you involves your friend uh Effi.

Mallory: Effi, what do you want from Effi?

Alex: Well does uh does she still take those uh diet pills,
you know what I mean, amphetamines?

Mallory: Speed?

Alex: Ssh.

Mallory: Yes she does. Why?

Alex: Well t'they speed up your metabolism you know t'they
give you extra energy, I uh I may need that this week.

Mallory: Alex, Effi has a prescription for those pills, it's
illegal for anyone else to take them.

Alex: Oh come on Mallory you took one yourself a couple of
months ago when, when you were on that diet.

Mallory: Right and it was you that talked me out of taking
anymore, you said they were dangerous and that drugs
weren't the solution to anything.

Alex: Oh sure, throw that up in my face. Look, Mallory you
know me well enough to know I am not gonna abuse the
pills, I probably won't even touch them.

Mallory: Okay I'I'll talk to Effi tomorrow.

Alex: No, not tomorrow, tonight, uh please, well it's the
sooner I have 'em the sooner I uh don't have to take
'em.

Scene 2

(Alex's bedroom - Alex typing on typewriter)

Alex: Okay U.S. government honors class. Mr Wilkinson,
title page (Pulls from typewriter) Herbert Hoover, the
lost saviour by Alex P. Keaton.
(Mallory enters)

Mallory: Hi.

Alex: So, did you uh, I'I mean were you able to uh - Effi.

Mallory: Yes Alex I got the speed.

Alex: Will you keep your voice down (Closes window shutters)
we are dealing with illegal contraband here Mallory,
what took you so long?

Mallory: Effi didn't want to give up the pills she said she
needs them for her diet.

Alex: How'd you talk her into it?

Mallory: She likes you Alex so uh I told her you'd go out with
her.

Alex: You what? I don't want to go out with Effi, she
weighs three hundred pounds!

Mallory: Well it's a lucky thing for you she does or she
wouldn't have those pills.

Alex: All right, all right, I'll go out with her (Hand
outstretched)

Mallory: Here they are, just be careful okay?

Alex: Mallory, Mallory, don't worry your pretty little head
over this anymore, I can safely say that there is
virtually no possibility of me taking even a single
pill believe me, I know what I'm doing (Mallory leaves
and Alex shuts door) what am I doing? Drugs! These
are drugs and I have them illegally (looks at
container) Effi Blatz, take one every morning to
control appetite. I'm not Effi Blatz! There's no
way around it, you know if this ever went to trial, I
wouldn't have a leg to stand on. I could wind up on a
road gang for this, with Effi Blatz, course she would
do all the heavy work. On the other hand, what choice
have I got? (Looks at photograph of Richard Nixon)
help me out here, I mean what would you do pressure
mounting from all sides y'your entire future, your
career hangs in the balance, would you do something
you know was wrong? (Knocks photo down)

Scene 3

(Living room: Monopoly game set up: Mallory, Jennifer, Steven and
Elyse present)

Elyse: (Shouting upstairs) Alex d'you want to take a break
and join us?

Alex: I'm really busy Mom.

Elyse: We're playing Monopoly. (Alex jumps downstairs from
landing) Then you'll join us?

Alex: I can't believe it, you kidding me I'd love a game.
Steven: I'I thought you had a lot of work to do.

Alex: Well dad I was thinking, you know term papers and
exams come and go but the family unit is the one true
constant in life, (Mallory looks amazed) the precious
hours spent in the familiar abode with loved ones
playing a heat warming game such as this a'are what
make memories that one can treasure for all eternity.

Steven: When did all that occur to you?

Alex: As I was coming down the stairs, are these dice in
proper, working order?

Steven: Yes all the dots seem to be in place.

Alex: Okay, okay fine Mallory, you're first.

Mallory: (Throws dice) ten, oh I'm on the jail square. (Goes
to move piece)

Alex: All right relax, relax (Moves piece) one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten you're on
just visiting, okay uh my turn right, here we go, oh,
oh nobody took the thimble that's great here we go
okay let's have big scores for Daddy (throws dice
across room) (Gets up and goes to look at dice) Wah,
double threes, six! That puts me on oriental avenue,
that costs a hundred dollars, I'll buy that.

Jennifer: Okay my turn (Rolls dice) four.

Elyse: Oh, income tax, you have to pay.

Jennifer: Oh that's not fair, can I take a do-over?

Steven: Sure, go ahead.

Alex: Woh, woh (smacks Jennifer on hand) hold the phone, no
do-overs. Page four of the rule book says and I
quote-

Elyse: Alex we're gonna let Jennifer take a do-over (Makes
gesture for dice) here are the dice honey (Gives
Jennifer dice)

Alex: I won't stand for this, this is a travesty, this is a
sin against capitalism, I'll be in the kitchen, you
can call me when it's my turn.

Mallory: (Pushes Alex into corner) Alex, Alex you took one of
those pills didn't you?

Alex: Nope, decided not to.

Mallory: You did so Alex I can tell, you're completely out of
control.

Alex: Mallory, Mallory don't be silly, I'm fine. (Goes over
to Monopoly game) Mom?

Elyse: Yeah.

Alex: I was going to give the kitchen floors a quick
buffing, where do you keep the wax? Never mind, I'll
use my hands.
(Mallory shrugs)

Scene 4

(In kitchen: Steven, Elyse, Mallory and Jennifer present. Steven is
on phone)

Steven: Uh no he isn't home yet Mrs Obeck but I pass along
your thanks, I'I'm glad Alex did a good job cleaning
out your garage, uh no I don't know why he did it
either. I'm sorry he had to bread a window to get in.
Bye bye.

Jennifer: What has gotten into Alex this week?

Elyse: I don't know but our floors have never looked better.

Mallory: He's just trying to be helpful.

Jennifer: He oiled my roller skates yesterday.

Mallory: So?

Jennifer: So! I was skating at the time!

Steven: He has been in sort of a frenzy of activity lately I
mean uh, even for Alex.

Mallory: I don't notice any difference.

Steven: No difference? Mallory do you realize how much work
it takes to install a skylight. (Points to ceiling)
(Mallory and Jennifer leave)
(Alex enters)

Alex: Great news, great news, I got my term paper on Hoover
back from Mr Wilkinson 'A' plus.

Steven: Nice work Alex.

Alex: Look at this, look what he wrote on the front.

Steven: (Reads) An incredibly well argued thesis I voted for
Roosevelt four times, thank you for showing me the
error of my ways.

Alex: I also got a ninety two on my economics final and an
'A' on my English term paper, does anybody have any
laundry they want me to do?

Elyse: Alex, are you feeling all right?

Alex: Never better.

Elyse: You just seem a little hyperactive.

Alex: Oh w'what your seeing here is simply my natural boyish
exuberance, that's all (jumps on counter) it was bound
to emerge eventually.

Elyse: I just worry about you, that's all.

Alex: Ah, Mommy (kisses her) nothing to worry, I'm gonna go,
I'm gonna have a shower, gonna come back down, gonna
make myself some dinner okay?
(Steven and Elyse leave)
(Mallory enters)

Alex: D'you get more pills from Effi?

Mallory: Yes Alex I did.

Alex: Good, well, where are they?

Mallory: I'm not giving them to you Alex you've been taking
them all week and you've been acting very weird.

Alex: Weird? Weird? D'd'do you mind giving me an example
of this alleged weirdness (makes gesture with hands)
in my recent behavior?

Mallory: All right, why the sudden interest in Jennifer's doll
house?

Alex: That's not a sudden interest at all, I've been
concerned for a while that her dolls were a little
cramped so I built an annexe a, a little more
breathing room for uh Molly and uh whatever the hell
the other one's name is.

Mallory: I'm not giving you anymore pills Alex.

Alex: Mallory, I've got the biggest test of my life coming
up I just want you to give me a couple more pills to,
to get me by, that's all and then that's the end,
over, finito.

Mallory: (Shouting) No! you should be able to study without
them.

Alex: Oh uh I don't believe this, a lecture in study habits
from the 'C' minus poster girl, come on Mallory, I'm
not asking you for a dozen, just one, maybe two, how
many you got?

Mallory: No Alex.
(Alex sees Mallory's bag on table and picks it
up)

Mallory: That's mine give it back! (Reaching for it)

Alex: (Grabbing it back) In a second Mallory, in a second.

Mallory: (Screaming) Alex you have no right to do this!

Alex: (Extracts pills and gives bag back) thanks.

Mallory: Don't ever speak to me again.

Alex: Oh lighten up will yer. Oh and uh Mallory you know if
you're thinking about telling Mom and dad about this
you just keep in mind, you're not exactly innocent
here either (Takes briefcase and leaves)

ADVERTISEMENTS


Scene 5

(Living room: Elyse sitting on couch. Jennifer enters)

Jennifer: Is the miracle of life on yet?

Elyse: Just started.

Jennifer: What'd I miss?

Elyse: Uh the sperm cell just joined up with the egg cell.

Jennifer: What's that?

Elyse: That's the inside of a woman's uterus honey.

Jennifer: Anyone famous?

Elyse: I don't know have to wait till the credits.
(Alex enters)

Elyse: Hey Alex good day at school?

Alex: Yeah.

Elyse: Did you have any tests?

Alex: Fine, I did fine.

Elyse: How are your papers.

Alex: What is this, the inquisition?

Elyse: Woah Alex who do you think you're talking to?


Alex: I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry the, the, the tests went
fine I got an 'A' minus on my term paper, I'm, I'm,
I'm just tired that's all, have you seen Mallory?

Elyse: Uh no.

Jennifer: Uh Alex you're interrupting fertilization!

Alex: What is this trash you're watching?

Elyse: This isn't trash, Jennifer and I have been planning on
watching this for weeks.

Jennifer: It's the miracle of life, they show how babies are
made.
(Pause) (Television is turned off)

Alex: The stork brings babies Jennifer, you're not supposed
to know otherwise 'till you're twelve years old.

Elyse: Alex! What are you doing?

Alex: I will not allow this smut in my house!

Elyse: This is not your house, this is our house, that is not
smut and I don't like the way you're acting.

Alex: Oh well maybe I don't like the way you're acting.

Elyse: Okay Alex I don't know exactly what's going on here
but I don't like it. You go on up to your room and
don't you come down until you can be a little more
civil.

Alex: Oh, what, are you seriously telling me to go to my
room?

Elyse: Yes I am, no in fact I gotta better idea, first you
clean up the kitchen, then straighten up the living
room and then you to your room. Any questions?

Alex: Yeah, yeah I have a question, I most certainly do.
Which uh room did you want me to clean first?

Elyse: Your choice.

Jennifer: Look Mom what about the show?

Elyse: We'll watch it upstairs.

Jennifer: Good idea there's less chance of us being interrupted
by Alex's housework.

(Alex kicks chair in frustration)
(Mallory enters)

Alex: Mallory, Mallory stop.

Mallory: I'm not speaking to you Alex.

Alex: Mal, Mallory, please um I,I took the last one this
morning and uh I'm starting to feel a little tired.
I just need a couple more to get me through the test
tomorrow. Call Effi for me please.

Mallory: Not a chance.

Alex: Mallory, what do you want from me, you want an apology?
Okay all right I'm sorry. How about money?
(Mallory walks away and leaves)
(Alex goes to phone)

Alex: Hello Effi, yeah it's Alex, so, where you been hiding
yourself?

Scene 6

(Alex's bedroom: Alex sitting on office chair)

Alex: Okay the correct answer is, I believe the treaty of
Wesfalia and if I'm not mistaken, huh, the year as
sixteen hundred and forty eight (wheels over to
another book on chair) ah, right again, this is
child's play let's face it, I am flawlessly prepared
for this exam, after tomorrow I can just pick my
school (Gets up from chair and begins to paint wall)
Harvard, yeah I think I'll go to Harvard, of course
you shouldn't be too hasty here you knot the other
ivy league schools are gonna want a shot at me, pretty
soon they'll all be knocking at my door. (Knock at
door) A ha, here's one now! Come on in.
(Steven enters)

Steven: I heard uh some noise in here Alex, I thought I- (sees
partially painted wall) what're you doing?

Alex: Painting my walls, d'you want me to do your room next?

Steven: Alex it's uh three thirty in the morning.

Alex: I'll put a drop cloth over you and mom you won't even
know I'm there.

Steven: Put down the paintbrush.

Alex: It'll dry unevenly dad.

Steven: Now Alex!

Alex: You know dad I am so flawlessly prepared for this exam
I am not going to miss a single question-

Steven: I don't believe it, did you dig those trenches in the
back yard?

Alex: Yeah I did.

Steven: Why?

Alex: Underground sprinkler system.

Steven: Alex, how many hours have you slept this week?

Alex: I don't know, four?

Steven: Four hours all week?

Alex: So I've been peppy, so what?

Steven: You haven't been peppy Alex you've been crazed!

Alex: Peppy, crazed, tomato (Said in an American accent)
tomato (Said in a stereotypical English accent)

Steven: Have you been taking amphetamines?

Alex: No, no, me no-way dad not me.

Steven: (Sternly) Alex don't lie to me.

Alex: All right, okay, I admit it I'I'I borrowed a few from
Mallory's friend Effi, okay?

Steven: (Sternly) No it is not okay!

Alex: Look d'dad I just needed 'em to get me through this
week look, look I'll prove it to you okay see these
are all of 'em i'in the garbage, gone, I've taken my
last one.

Steven: That is not the point Alex, you shouldn't have been
taking them in the first place no matter how much you
had to do.

Alex: Uh dad they worked t'they helped em, I have got more
done this week than I ever thought possible, you gotta
admit it dad, the stuff works.

Steven: I know what it does I used it myself when I was in
school.

Alex: Oh, oh, okay then how can you get mad at me?
(Alex sits on bed)

Steven: This isn't a question of my being mad at you Alex
i'i'it's much more complicated than that, (Steven sits
beside Alex) look, I'm your father and right now I see
you taking a risk with something you know nothing
about, now this is a dangerous, addictive drug your
dealing with, n'nothing else mattes to me except
stopping you from taking it.

Alex: You don't have to worry, I'm done with it.

Steven: We're not done talking Alex, we'll talk more in the
morning, we could uh both use some sleep, I know I
could before I fill in those trenches tomorrow and uh
I know you need to study. You know I'I pulled a few
all-nighters myself when I was in school (Alex falls
asleep) ah ha, I uh, I remember my room mate Roland
Koonakouski, uh we use to call him the owl but uh it
wasn't because he stayed up late. He could turn his
head all the way- (Demonstrates and realizes Alex is
asleep and covers him up)

Next morning:

(Alex sleeping)

(Knock at door)

(Steven and Elyse enter)

Steven: He's still asleep Elyse, Alex.

Elyse: Alex.

Steven: Alex.

Elyse: Alex wake up you're late for your test.

Alex: (Semi-awake) No, no, Effi, no, get back (wakes up
fully) mom, dad, what time is it?

Elyse: It's twenty after eight.

Alex: The test!

Steven: It's already started Alex we thought you'd gone an
hour ago.

Alex: I~~~overslept, I can't believe it, I gotta get going
(falls flat on face)

Steven: Alex, Alex, Elyse get him up.

Alex: Did I fall down?

Steven: C'mon I think, now look I think you can forget the
test.

Alex: I gotta get going (facing wall opposite to door) door,
where's the door, where are my, um, it's gotta be
somewhere. The garbage (empties bin)

Steven: (Grabs Alex) Alex, Alex, stop it, stop it, it's over,
(Alex stops struggling) it's over.

Alex: (Collapses back into filing cabinet) I never oversleep
(thumps floor) never, never. I have one of those
internal clock radios, I need that scholarship in the
bank, (hits head against filing cabinet) damn! I blew
it.

Steven: Speed is like that Alex it'll keep you up for a while
but when you crash, uh you crash hard.

Alex: I can handle it.

Elyse: Well look at how you're handling it y'you're on your
knees rummaging through the garbage looking for
someone else's diet pills.

Alex: I guess I've had finer moments.

Elyse: You know how you feel like now.

Alex: Yeah.

Elyse: Don't ever forget it.

Alex: Believe me, I wont.

(Mallory enters)

Mallory: Alex, why are you still here?

Alex: Now Mallory, I overslept, I missed the test, it was
the pills I'I'I couldn't wake up. Mom and dad know
about the pills, I told them everything.

Mallory: You know I gave the pills to Alex.

Alex: I didn't tell 'em that.

Elyse: Mallory, you gave him the pills?

Alex: (Gets up) She didn't want to mom, I pressured her into
getting them from Effi. She even tried to talk me out
of it, uh Mallory, I had no right to use you like
that, sorry.

(Jennifer enters)

Jennifer: Something going on here I should know about?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, I was just apologizing to Mallory for
treating her badly and uh you too Jennifer for um
being such a creep all week. (Alex hugs Jennifer but
Jennifer is amazed at occurrences and just looks
stunned as if Alex is cracking up)

Jennifer: Am I on Candid Camera?


Steven: Why don't we all clear out of here and uh and let Alex
get some sleep, we'll uh, we'll talk more about this
late, when you wake up.

Elyse: From the looks of you that should be about Thursday.
(Steven, Elyse and Jennifer leave)

Mallory: You look awful Alex.

Alex: How could I do this Mallory, I was out of control, it
w- it w- it was like it wasn't even me, like I was
somebody else, very scary Mallory.

Mallory: It was scary for me too, I didn't know who you were,
it was like you were a different person.

Alex: Well uh (Wheels over on office chair) the old Alex is
back.

Mallory: I never thought I'd say this but I'm glad to see you.
(They hug) oh, by the way um Effi called she said uh,
when you pick her up tonight dress casual and she's
hungry.

END CREDITS

KEATON KITCHEN

(Alex and Jennifer are present.)

Alex: This is ridiculous, where do they come up with this
stuff?

Jennifer: What's the matter Alex?

Alex: All freshmen are required to take a humanities course.

Jennifer: What's so bad about that?

Alex: Well the choices are absurd. Listen to this one,
Humanities 1. Man, society, civilization, and the
universe. How am I supposed to relate to this stuff?

Jennifer: Just don't talk in class, and they'll think you're one
of them.

Alex: Jennifer, I'm in college to learn about money, not
people.

Jennifer: Alex, there's more to life than just getting rich.
People who need people are the luckiest people in the
world.

Alex: Jennifer, people who have money don't need people.

(Mallory comes in blasting the radio.)

Alex: Oh, hey hey Mallory, can you possibly turn that up a
little? I can still hear planes passing overhead.

Mallory: Sure.

Alex: Mallory, look help me out will ya? I'm trying to go
over my college courses here. You know, college? You
might drive past one someday.

Mallory: Stuff it Alex.

(Alex turns the radio off, takes out the cassette and puts it in the
blender, ruining Jennifer's drink.)

Jennifer
and Mallory: Alex!

Alex: That's the best that's ever sounded.

(Mallory, Alex, and Jennifer start screaming at each other. Steven
walks in)

Steven: Ah, another day begins here at Happy Acres.

(Alex, Jennifer, and Mallory continue screaming.)

Steven: I haven't even had my breakfast yet. I don't want to
know.

(Steven gets a glass and pours the contents of the blender into it.)

Steven: I'm beginning to get curious.

Alex: Alright dad, Mallory's music was driving me crazy, and
I overreacted.

Jennifer: Alex is just in a bad mood because they want him to
be a human at college.

Alex: Jennifer they don't want be to be a human, they want
me to take a humanities course.

Steven: Well that doesn't sound so bad.

Alex: I don't know dad, maybe you can help me out with this.
You have a commitment to social change. A love for the
humanities.

Steven: Well look, some of these courses look pretty
interesting Alex. Why don't you sign up for
Introduction to Abnormal Behavior?

Jennifer: You can skip the introduction.

Mallory: What about Psychology 3 - I'm Ok, You're Ok?

Alex: First of all, you're not ok. Second of all, this is
not a college course, it's a Phil Donahue show.

Steven: Ok, look, how about Sociology of the Family, The
Hotline, or look Marriage and the Family?

Alex: Wait a minute dad, Hotline, what's that?

Steven: Hotline - A phone in counseling center where students
earn credits by handling callers problems 2 nights a
week. Satisfies humanities requirement.

Alex: Yeah, you know this could be perfect. I could go to
this hotline twice a week. I can bring along my books.
I can catch up on my real courses. Stuff that has
nothing to do with people.

LELAND CAMPUS

(Alex walks into the Hotline Center and bumps into James Jarret.)

James: Watch it will ya?

Alex: Sorry, next time I'll signal before I turn. Jarret? Is
that you Jarret?

James: Keaton, what are you doing here?

Alex: I go to school here, what about you?

James: I go to school here too. Hey how'd you get in? I
thought they restricted the dull.

Alex: Obviously not.

James: So uh, what are you doing in this place? I mean a
Hotline center is the last place I figure I'd run into
someone like you.

Alex: Yeah well I'm here because I wanna help, what do ya
call it...people.

James: You're more sensitive than I thought.

Alex: Hey Jarret, did I mention the fact that I won the
McKinley scholarship?

James: Ahh, that's not bad, I won the Steadman.

Alex: I could've won the Steadman if I applied. I just
figured the McKinley was a little more prestigious.

(James laughs.)

James: Old grudges die hard, don't they Keaton?

Alex: What are you talking about Jarret?

James: You still can't get over my beating you in the
regional spelling bee in the 3rd grade.

Alex: Hey, you didn't beat me, I simply refused to spell
democrat.

Ms. Worthy: Who's next?

Alex and
James: I am!

Ms. Worthy: Well it's nice to see you're both so anxious. We like
people with enthusiasm. Sit down. I'm Janice Worthy.

James: I'm James Jarret, regional spelling bee champion. This
is Alex Keaton, came in 2nd.

Ms. Worthy: Ah, Alex I see you're an economics major. Most of the
counselors here are psychology majors.

James: I'm a psychology major.

Ms. Worthy: I'll get to you in just a second James. So tell me
Alex, do you know many emotionally disturbed people?

Alex: Just family.

Ms. Worthy: James, this resume is quite impressive. Worked with
abused children. Volunteered at senior citizens home.
Volunteer playground director.

Alex: What did you do in your spare time, train guide dogs?

Ms. Worthy: Worked with guide dogs. Very admirable James.

Alex: Yeah, he's a saint.

Ms. Worthy: Let me explain how we work around here. The Hotline is
a 24 hour service for Leland students with personal
problems.

Alex: Yeah, it's a terrific community service. And it also
satisfies the humanities requirement, right?

Ms. Worthy: That's right.

Alex: Great. I'm ready, when do I start?

Ms. Worthy: You're training program will start tomorrow. As you
become more comfortable with the job we'll give you
more responsibilities. You won't actually be on the
phone unsupervised for several weeks.

Alex: But we'll still get credit?

Ms. Worthy: Yes Alex, you'll get credit. Oh, there's one more
thing. Trainees work in pairs. You two will work as a
team.

James: Us?

Ms. Worthy: Yes. Any objections?

James: No.

Alex: No.

James
and Alex: I should be able to pull him through.


KEATON KITCHEN

(Everyone except Elyse is present.)

Alex: Ok, Jennifer ask me another question.

Jennifer: What do you say to someone who calls with severe
personal problems?

Alex: I told you never to call me here.

Jennifer: No it says speak in a soothing voice and try to keep
the caller on the line.

Alex: So close.

(Car horn honks.)

Alex: Whoa, that's James. I gotta go.

Jennifer: Wait a minute Alex, it says you shouldn't use your
real name. You should use a code name.

Alex: Good point. Wouldn't want any of these crazed losers
calling me at home.

Steven: Thank you Mother Theresa.

Alex: Ok, it says here to pick a name that's positive.
Something like fate, hope, or charity, but something
that accurately reflects your personality.

Mallory: How about greed?

Alex: Nah, it's probably taken.

HOTLINE CENTER
(Alex and James walk up to Ms. Worthy's desk.)

Alex: Hi Ms. Worthy, sorry we're late. It was James fault.

James: Thanks teammate.

Alex: Anyway, we're here, ready to go, where is everybody?

Ms. Worthy: We're really understaffed tonight. Allison and Peter
have the flu. Robert has a midterm, and I was supposed
to be out of here an hour ago.

Alex: Aww gee, that's too bad. I guess that means we're
gonna have to close down tonight, huh? We'll still get
credit for showing up though, right?

Ms. Worthy: We're not gonna have to close. Tim will be here any
minute for your training session.

James: Oh great, Tim's good.

Alex: Yeah great, I love Tim.

Ms. Worthy: Alright boys, see you tomorrow.

(Ms. Worthy leaves.)

Alex: Well, I don't know about you, but I'm gonna get some
work done.


James: Listen Alex, I'm gonna run up to the snack bar, can I
get you anything?

Alex: Nah, I'm fine.

James: Alright man, I was buying.

Alex: Bring me back one of everything.

(James leaves. Phone rings. Alex picks it up and puts on the speaker
phone.)

Alex: Yeah, hotline.

Tim: Hi Alex, it's me Tim.

Alex: Hi Tim. How are you doing?

Tim: Why didn't you use your code name?

Alex: Sorry, I forgot.

Tim: Don't let it happen again.

Alex: Yeah yeah yeah. Tim, is that the only reason you
called?

Tim: No, my car broke down. It'll be at least an hour
before they fix it. Just close up and go home, we'll
make up the session tomorrow.

Alex: Ok great. Oh Tim, one more thing...

Tim: Yes Alex, you'll get credit for showing up.

Alex: Ok, bye bye.

(Alex hangs up and begins to leave. The phone rings. Alex picks it up
and puts on the speaker phone again.)

Alex: Yeah, Gandhi speaking.

Caller: Gandhi?

Alex: Yeah, Gandhi.

Caller: I must have the wrong number. I wanted the hotline.

Alex: No no no. Don't hang up. This is the hotline. I just
call myself Gandhi because it's a codename. What's
your problem?

Caller: My name is Bill. Just plain Bill. And uh, I need some
help here. I think I'm gonna kill myself.

(Alex puts him on hold.)

Alex: James it's for you!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

HOTLINE CENTER
(Alex is there. James walks in with snacks.)

James: Coca-Cola!

Alex: James you're back! Thank God!

James: You must've been very thirsty.

Alex: A guy called who wants to kill himself.

James: What did you tell him?

Alex: I put him on hold.

James: You what?!!

(James puts the caller back on the speaker.)

James: Hello, thank you for calling the hotline. Are you
there?

Bill: Yeah, I'm here, who are you?

James: This is Gidget.

Bill: Gidget?

James: Yeah.

Bill: That doesn't exactly inspire confidence. Where's the
other guy, where's Gandhi?

Alex: I'm here too, Bill.

James: We're both here. Gidget and Gandhi. Alright lets try
to be calm. Let's try to be rational. What's the
problem?

Bill: Well I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life,
you know.

Alex: How's it goin?

Bill: Well I've been better. You know, I spent all last week
trying to think of one good reason to live, and I
couldn't do it.

Alex: Alright, let's think of the things that make us happy.
Ok, uhh... books....plays....music...movies. Movies.
There's a great James Bond festival over at the North
Town.

Bill: Oh yeah, what's playing?

Alex: Live and Let Die.

James: Nice goin' Alex.

Alex: You think you can do better?

James: Yeah let me talk.

Alex: No, I answered the phone, I'll talk.

Bill: Hey guys, what's going on?

(Alex and James struggle for control of the phone and accidentally
hang up.)

HOTLINE CENTER
(15 minutes later.)

Alex: Well it's been 15 minutes. He hasn't called. What
could he be doing? Don't answer that.

James: Alright, let's just review the conversation and try
to figure out where we went wrong.

Alex: Right. Ok. He said he wanted to kill himself. I put
him on hold. We suggested he go to a James Bond movie,
and then we hung up on him.

(The phone rings. Alex picks up and puts on the speaker.)

Alex: Yeah, hotline.

Bill: Is that how you help? A guy says he's gonna kill
himself and you hang up on him?

Alex: Bill, you're back!

James: Bill, we're sorry it was an accident. Now are you
feeling any better?

Bill: No. Worse.

James: (whispers) Alex, use the manual.

Alex: uh, yeah. You know Bill. Now this is just off the top
of my head. But I was just thinking, life can be a
wonderful and splendid .... thing.

Bill: Hey, are you reading this out of a book?

Alex: No. No, don't be silly Bill. I'm just winging this.
Let's just reflect for a moment on the positive
aspects of one's life. We can do that can't we insert
name.

Bill: You are reading this out of a book! I'm a person , not
a hypothetical case. If you keep reading that book I'm
hanging up.

Alex: Look Bill, gimme a break. I'm new at this I don't know
what to say.

Bill: Yeah, I'm new at this too, you don't see me reading
out of a book.

Alex: Listen Bill, can you hold for a second?

Bill: Oh great.

Alex: No, I promise you I won't hang up.

Bill: Ok, but hurry up. I don't have all night.

(Alex puts him on hold.)

Alex: What are we gonna do? He won't let us use the manual.

James: Well, we'll just have to be ourselves.

HOTLINE CENTER
(More time has passed.).

Alex: And then Bill, in 1978 I entered Junior High school.
I had to take a school bus for the first time. Of
course it didn't phase me. Bill, are you still there?

Bill: Yeah, I'm still here. I'm bored, but I'm still here.

James: Me too.

Bill: Guys, I appreciate what you're doing, but you're just
wasting your time. Nobody cares about me.

Alex: Hey, we do. And we're gonna stay on this phone as long
as you want us to.

Bill: Come on, you're just two guys who work at the hotline
and happened to show up on the wrong night. I don't
even know your real names.

Alex: Alex Keaton.

James: James Jarret.

Bill: I didn't think you'd tell me. Isn't that against the
rules?

Alex: Bill, at a time like this, everything goes out the
window. Let me rephrase that.

Bill: Look, I know you guys are really trying, but you still
haven't told me why I should keep living.
James: Think of the good things. Think of falling snow. Think
of falling in love.

Bill: I know, every cloud has a silver lining.

Alex: No, silver's down this week. Say every cloud has a
zinc lining.

(Bill laughs.)

James: Hey, see that, you're laughing.

Bill: No, that wasn't a laugh, that was a chuckle.

Alex: No, come on, that was a laugh. I know a laugh when I
hear one, and you laughed.

Bill: Alright I laughed. Sue me.

Alex: Come on Bill. If you're laughing you must be smiling.
And if you're smiling but you must be starting to feel
good. And you cannot kill yourself when you're feeling
good. It spoils the mood.

Bill: Look, I know you guys are really trying, but it's no
use. I hate life. I hate feeling empty everyday. I
hate feeling sorry for myself. I ....

Alex: What is it?

Bill: I'm scared.

Alex: Bill, everybody gets scared.

Bill: Do you?

Alex: Yeah, sure.

Bill: When?

Alex: Hey look, I thought we were supposed to be talking
about you. Not me.

Bill: Oh I get it. I have to answer your questions, but you
don't have to answer mine.

Alex: No it's just that it's not easy for me....Yeah I get
scared.

Bill: When?

Alex: Mostly at night, you know when the house is real
quiet, and I start thinking about my future. I do, I
get scared.

Bill: Why should that scare you? You told me you've always
succeeded in everything.

Alex: I have. And that's why I get scared, you know, because
I'm afraid I might fail. And if I fail, I don't know
how I'd handle it. So I can't let myself fail. I keep
pushing myself to do better and better and I keep
trying harder and harder and I'm afraid that if I
stop.....uh. sorry.

Bill: No, go on, what are you afraid of?

Alex: I'm afraid that if I slow down and I stop being the
best and the brightest and the wittiest that I'll be
nothing.

Bill: Wow, that's exactly how I feel sometimes. Like I'm
nothing.

James: We all feel that way sometimes, but we write it out,
we work at it. We fight the bad feeling.

Alex: Bill, you called here tonight, you reached out. You
don't wanna die. And we don't want you to die.

Bill: You really think every cloud has a zinc lining?

Alex: Absolutely.

Bill: I'm gonna hang up now.

Alex: What do you mean, Bill?

Bill: I mean, I wanna hang up so I can get some sleep. Then
I can be fresh and think this through and find out a
way to deal with it tomorrow.

Alex: Tomorrow, did you say tomorrow?

Bill: Yeah.

Alex: Did you hear that James?

James: I heard him.

Alex: We were afraid we goofed up because we're new and we
were so unsure of ourselves.

Bill: I kinda liked that. It made me feel superior. You guys
are good, though. Darn good.

Alex: Well thanks, but as good as we are, there are people
who are better. You're gonna have to find some
professional help.

Bill: I know. But it's gonna be hard to find someone better
than Gandhi and Gidget. Thanks guys.

(Dial tone.)

James: Nice going Keaton. you're really something man.

Alex: You're not so bad yourself.

(They hug.)

Alex: Listen, about all that stuff about being scared and
all.

James: Yeah?

Alex: Well you know I was just saying that.

James: Oh yeah, I know you don't get scared.

(James turns the lights off.)

Alex: Uh James, can you leave the light on?

THE END

Living room:

Alex: Mom, I still don't think a woman in your condition should be traveling
alone.

Mallory: Alex, you know, if you had it your way, Mom would be locked in her
room for nine months wearing a veil.

Alex: Oh come on, that's not true. I see no need for a veil.

Jennifer: Mom, what if you have the baby on the plane?

Elyse: Well, then we name her Emelia Airheart Keaton. Don't worry honey, I'm
not going to have the baby on the plane.

Steven: Elyse, are you sure you don't want me to come with you?

Elyse: No honey, the kids need you here. What would you do at a convention
with 200 women architects?

Steven: Arm wrestle for money?

Door bell rings.

Skippy: Hi there folks. Oh, my God. It's time, your going to the hospital,
your going to have the baby. I had a feeling it was going to be today.

Elyse: No, Skippy, I'm not having the baby, I'm going to Michigan.

Skippy: Oh, I see, you want the baby to have dual citizenship.

Elyse: No, Skippy.

Steven: Nevermind, Elyse. Mallory try to explain it to him. Come on Elyse,
your going to miss your plane.

Elyse: Oh, ok. Bye, sweetheart.
Hugs Mallory.

Jennifer hands her something.

Elyse: Oh, thank you love.

Elyse, Steven and Jennifer leave through the front door.

Alex walks in the front door, Mallory and Skippy are in the livingroom.

Alex: Mallory, I found this girl wandering around. She says she's a friend
of yours.

Jane: I have a name.

Alex: Congratulations.

Jane: it's Jane.

Alex: And you know it too. You're brighter than most of Mal's friends.

Jane: Hi Mallory.

Jane hugs Mallory.

Mallory: Hi Jane. That's my brother, I apologize.

Jane looks at Skippy.

Jane: What's this?

Mallory: Oh, that's Skippy. Think of him as a lamp.

They go up the stairs.

Skippy looks mesmerized by Jane.

Alex: Oh, Skip.

No response from Skippy.

Jennifer comes in through the front door.

Looks at Skippy.

Jennifer: What's wrong with him?

Alex: I don't know. Yo, Skippy.

Whistles trying to get Skippy's attention. Waves a hand in front of Skippy's
face.

Skippy: Alex.

Alex: What happened to you Skippy?

Skippy: What happened? Suddenly my life has meaning. I know why I was put
here on planet Earth. I feel so alive.

Jennifer sitting on couch reading a magazine.

Jennifer: Is he about to sing?

Skippy: I just met the girl of my dreams in this very room.

Alex: Look, Skippy, we all know how you feel about Mallory.

Skippy: I'm not talking about Mallory. I'm talking about the other one. The
one with the funny name.

Alex: You mean Jane?

Skippy: Yeah, I better write that down.

Gets a pen and piece of paper. Starts to write.

Skippy: Jane, Jane?

Jennifer, gets up from couch.

Jennifer: Jane, J A N E.

Jennifer goes up stairs.

Alex: Isn't this a little sudden Skip? I mean you just met the girl.

Skippy: Alex, it was love at first sight. I will not rest until I've made
that girl mine.

Alex: How are you planning on doing that?

Skippy: I was hoping maybe you could talk to her for me.

Alex: No way Skip, keep me out of this.

Skippy: Alex, please, you got to help me, you know I can't talk to girls. I
get too nervous. I get all tongue tied. I try to speak, but I just freeze
up. I don't know what to say.

Alex: Well, tell her about yourself. Discuss your good qualities.

Skippy: Ok, what are they?

Alex: You've never been convicted of a federal offense. You buy your clothes
right off the rack, and you don't spit when you talk.

Skippy: I better write these down, I'll get a notebook.

Alex: Skippy, you don't need a notebook. You're not going to have any
trouble talking to her. She's just a girl, alright. You're going to be ok.

Mallory and Jane come down the stairs.

Mallory: We're going to get something to eat, do you guys want anything?

Alex: No, not right now, thanks.

Mallory and Jane head towards the kitchen. Skippy walks quickly to get in
front of Jane.

Jane: Yes?

Skippy tries to speak, but can't. He accidentally, knocks over a lamp, in
the process.

Kitchen:
Steven, Jennifer, Alex, and Mallory are at the kitchen table, eating dinner.

Steven: Well, I haven't heard anyone comment on my soybeans Rockefeller yet.

Mallory screams.

Steven: It's not that bad.

Mallory: No, I saw a mouse! There he goes over by the ...

Alex jumps on the counter top, scared.

Jennifer: He went into the pantry.

Mallory: Alex, help Dad!

Alex: I'm checking the light fixture.

Jennifer: Alex, mice can't fly.

Alex: Oh, yeah Jen, ever hear of Might Mouse. Dad, was he wearing a cape?

Mallory: There he goes into the dinning room

Steven: No, problem!

Jennifer: I'll help you Dad.

Jennifer and Steven exit the kitchen.

Alex gets down from the counter top.

Skippy enters the kitchen through the back door.

Skippy: Hi Alex.

Alex: Hi Skippy.

Mallory is standing at the counter in the middle of the kitchen.

Mallory: Hi Skippy.

Skippy barely acknowledges Mallory.

Skippy: Oh, hi. Alex, did you get a chance to talk to her yet?

Mallory looks a little hurt, at the lack of attention.

Mallory: Skippy, didn't you hear me? I just said hi to you.

Skippy: I heard you, hi. Alex, did you get a chance to talk to Jane yet?

Alex: Not yet.

Mallory: Why do you want Alex to talk to Jane?

Alex: Well, Skippy kind of has a crush on Jane.

Mallory: Oh really?

Alex: Actually, he's crazy about her.

Mallory getting a little upset.

Mallory: Oh really?!
Goes over to where Skippy is.

Mallory: This is kind of sudden isn't it Skippy? I mean, you never talked to
the girl, you don't know anything about her. Besides, I thought we had some
sort of understanding. You worship me, and I reject you. (looking hurt).

Walks back over to the counter in the middle of the kitchen.

Skippy: Mallory, those were wonderful years. But it's over. Try to be
strong.

Skippy gently touches Mallory's cheek.

Mallory looks upset.

Skippy: By the way, does Jane mention me much?

Mallory sounding angry: She doesn't even know you exist.

Mallory exits the kitchen, pushing through the kitchen door a little more
forcefully, then necessary.

Skippy: That's good, because once they know I exist, that's when I run into
trouble.

Alex: If she means that much to you Skippy, I'll talk to her.

Steven and Jennifer enter from the pantry area.

Steven: I don't know how that mouse got away. I thought I had him cornered.

Jennifer: Face it Dad, he was toying with you.

Steven: I'll get him Jennifer. He's in this house somewhere. And I'll find
him.

Jennifer: I not so sure Dad. This is one smart mouse.

Steven: Not smarter than you and I put together.

Jennifer sits down at the small table by the phone.

Steven: Come on write this down. We'll need, ply wood, couple of hinges,
some nails, chicken wire, a bell, a quart of varnish, and some cheese.

Skippy getting up from kitchen table: You know Mr. Keaton, my Dad once built
a mouse trap, but it never worked.

Jennifer: Maybe he didn't use the right knock of bait.

Skippy: No, the bait was just fine, I know, because I used to eat it before
the mouse would get to it.

Steven: Lets work on these plans upstairs.

Steven and Jennifer walk toward the swinging door.

Skippy: Can I come to Mr. Keaton, I might be of some use.

Steven: Sure Skippy.

Steven, Jennifer and Skippy exit kitchen through swinging door.

Alex walks toward the refrigerator, gets out something from it.

Jane knocks on back door.

Alex: Yeah, coming. Hi Jane, what a pleasant surprise.

Jane: Sorry to bother you Alex, I'm just here to study with Mallory.

Alex: No bother. No bother at all Jane. Come on in, sit down.

Alex and Jane sit at kitchen table.

Alex: What are you studying there?

Jane: Mid-evil English poetry.

Alex: You know who's an expert at Mid-Evil English poetry? Skippy.

Jane: Skippy?

Alex: Yeah, Skippy Handleman, you know the tall, good looking fellow, who was
here yesterday.

Jane: You mean the lamp?

Alex: Jane, can I ask you a personal question?

Jane: Go ahead.

Alex: Are you seeing anyone right now? I mean do you have a boyfriend?

Jane: No one special.

Alex: So, another words, you're not dating anyone on a regular basis?

Jane: No.

Alex: That's great news. Great news. I'm glad to hear that.

Jane: Really?

Alex: Nothing could make me happier than to hear you say that.

Jane: Nothing could make me happier than to hear you say that Alex.

Alex: What do you mean Jane?

Jane: Alex, I've had a desperate, yearning passion for you, ever since I was
a kid.

Alex: Oh, that's what you mean. I didn't know you then Jane.

Jane: But I knew you. I used to watch you across the playground while you
were playing with the big kids. And in high school, when you ran for student
counsel president, I voted for you, 300 times. Sorry, you didn't win.

Alex: Well, you did all you could.

Jane moves toward Alex.

Jane: Alex, I've waited for this my whole life.

Jane kisses Alex.

Jane: That was a terrific kiss Alex.

Alex: Thank you. You know who else is a terrific kisser? Skippy.

Jane: How do you know?

Steven, Jennifer and Alex are in the kitchen.

Jennifer: Are you sure it won't hurt the mouse?

Steven: I'm positive. It'll just trap him in the box. And we'll just set
him loose somewhere in a field.

Jennifer: But we're taking him far away from his home, to a place where he
doesn't have any friend, maybe he doesn't speak the language, where he'll be
lost, homesick, lonely, what kind of life is that?

Steven: But, on the other hand, it'll open up new exciting, opportunities for
him, expand his horizons, give him the life he's always dreamed of having.

Alex: It's a mouse Dad, not a foreign exchange student.

Jennifer: I'm going to put another coat of varnish on this.

Jennifer exits the kitchen through the back door.

The phone rings.

Alex is sitting on the counter top by the phone.

Alex: Hello? Oh hi Jane. You were just thinking of me huh? What a
coincidence, I was just thinking about me too. Uh, no, not on the phone
Jane, no, please just not on, oh alright.

Alex makes a kissing noise into the phone. Then makes three more kissing
noises.

Alex: Alright, ok, bye-bye.

Steven: Who was that?

Alex: Skippy's girlfriend.

Steven: How are they getting along?

Alex: Dad, this has gotten completely out of hand. You see, Skippy saw Jane
and fell instantly in love with her, and he tried to talk to her, but the
only thing he got out was (makes a noise), so he asked me to try to talk to
her. Which I did, only to find out that she's been in love with me since the
first grade. So, Skippy thinks I've been telling her about him for the last
three days, but every time I bring up Skippy's name, Jane cuts me off with a
kiss.

Steven: How much of this does Skippy know?

Alex: Everything up to (makes a noise).

Steven: Alex, obviously, this girl is a lot more important to Skippy, then
she is to you. I think you know what you should do.

Alex: You're right Dad, I should have put a stop to this a long time ago, and
I'm going to. Or at the very least next week.

Steven: Alex.

Alex: Alright I'll call her.

Steven goes out the back door.

Alex picks up the phone and calls Jane.

Alex: Jane, yeah, it's me again, listen, how would you like to have dinner at
Gweedo's?

Holds the phone away from his ear, momentarily.

Alex: That much huh? Alright, ok, it'll be great, candle light, quiet music,
and Skippy.

At the restaurant:

Skippy and Alex walk to a table waiting for Jane to arrive.

Skippy: I'm very nervous. I'm more than nervous. I'm petrified. What if I
say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing?

Alex: Look, Skippy just trust your instincts, ok, you can't go wrong.

Skippy: I brought along ten dollars. I thought about giving it to Jane as a
gift.

Alex: On second though, ignore your instincts.

Jane enters.

Jane: Hello guys.

Skippy: Oh, Jane, tries to stand up and knocks over the table. Won't you
join us?

Alex: You'll have to excuse Skippy, he's feeling a little peppy tonight. Why
don't we all just sit down, and get to know each other a little better.

Jane: I'm all for that.

Alex: So, Skippy, why don't you tell Jane a little bit about yourself. Why
don't you tell her about the time you saved your little sister's life?

Skippy: Oh it was nothing really, just a matter of simple reflexes.

Alex: I'm going to go wash my hands ok? You two get to know each other a
little better while I'm gone.

Skippy: Alex, Please don't leave me.

Skippy grabs Alex's jacket.

Alex pries Skippy's hands off.

Alex: Skippy.

Looks over at Jane.

Alex: We're very close. Skippy, I'll be right back, ok?

Skippy sits back down.

Jane: So how long have you known Alex?

Skippy tries to answer but can't.

Jane: I don't remember, do you live next door or across the street from Alex?

Skippy tries to answer but can't.

Jane: Are you alright? You're not having some kind of attack are you?

Skippy shakes his head.

Skippy: No!

Jane: Good. I'm really glad we had this opportunity to talk.

Alex comes back.

Alex: Hi, I hope I gave you two enough time alone together.

Jane: I think so.

Skippy: I'm going to go wash my hair.

Alex: Skippy, you mean your hands.

Skippy: Right.

Skippy stands up.

Skippy: Right. I'm going to go wash the hair on my hands.

Skippy runs into a waiter and the waiter drops what he was carrying.

Jane: I missed you while you were gone Alex.

Alex: I was only gone for two minutes Jane.

Jane: I don't know what it is about you Alex, you bring out the animal in me.

Jane leans over.

Jane: I hope I'm not being to forward.

Alex: I understand.

Alex and Jane kiss.

Mallory and Jennifer enter the restaurant.

Mallory: We're here to pick up a pizza for Keaton please.

Jennifer sees Alex and Jane kissing.

Jennifer: Mallory look.

Jennifer points and Mallory sees what she's point at.

Skippy comes back from the restroom and spots Jennifer and Mallory, but
doesn't see Alex and Jane kissing.

Skippy: Jennifer and Mallory, what are you guys doing here?

Mallory seems flustered.

Mallory: Um, We're um, we're...

Skippy: Come over and say hello to Alex and Jane.

Mallory: Um, Skippy don't go over there.

Mallory spins Skippy around to face her so he won't see Alex and Jane.

Skippy: Why not?

Mallory: Um...

Grabs Skippy's arms and kisses him on the mouth.

Afterward, Mallory steps back, shocked that she had actually kissed Skippy.
Jennifer holds on to Mallory, thinking she might fall.

Skippy: I'm sorry Mallory, but I'm spoken for. I better be getting back to
my date.

Mallory: Skippy, don't.

Skippy turns around and sees Alex and Jane kissing.

Skippy screams.

Alex then screams and jumps backwards.

Alex: I can explain this.

Skippy: Alex, don't bother explaining, I think I can see what's going on here.

Skippy turns around to leave the restaurant and runs into a table.

In Skippy's room:

Skippy is sitting down, talking to his mouse which is in a cage.

Skippy: So I turn around, and there's Alex kissing Jane. Hey, look at me
when I'm talking to you. Pay attention. Move over here to the glass, march.

Alex knocks on Skippy's door.

Alex: Hi, can I come in?

Skippy talking to mouse: This is Alex, hide your women.

Alex: Skippy, I owe you an apology.

Skippy: You ruined the whole evening. The date was going so well up until
then. She was really starting to warm up to me.

Alex: Look, you got to understand. She's been in love with me since the
first grade. She idolizes me. When I ran for student counsel president, she
voted for me 300 times.

Skippy: So did I. Sorry you didn't win.

Alex: Look, Skippy, we just got to work this thing out.

Skippy: No, no Alex, I don't want to talk about this.

Skippy starts to jump on a trampoline.

Alex: Skippy, we've been friends for too long for you just to bounce out of
my life.

Skippy: You stabbed me in the back Alex!

Alex: I know I did Skippy, and I'm sorry. I was wrong. Look this is
ridiculous, would you stop doing that.

Skippy: I can't stop Alex.

Alex runs and pushes Skippy off the trampoline onto Skippy's bed, where they
both land.

Alex: Skippy, look, I'm sorry about everything. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Skippy: But you did Alex. I've always trusted you.

Alex: I know you have Skip.

Alex: I'm, I'm going to stand up.

Realizes they are both lying not he bed and gets up from Skippy's bed.

Skippy: Alex, why did you do? You could have any girl. Why couldn't you
just say no?

Alex: Come on Skippy, it is not that simple. It's like there's two Alex's
you know? There's a good Alex and there's a bad Alex. The good Alex said,
leave her alone she's Skippy's girl.

Skippy: What did the bad Alex say?

Alex: Shut up good Alex. Take her she's yours.

Skippy: Shut up bad Alex.

Alex: Don't worry Skippy, I'm not listening to him anymore. Look your my
friend, and that's what's important. I just want to be worthy of your
friendship.

Alex extends his hand. Skippy shakes it.

Skippy: You know, it's partly my fault.

Alex: Maybe next time you'll speak for yourself. You know you don't give
yourself enough credit. Your a great guy.

Skippy: If I'm such a great guy why aren't there any girls that like me?

Alex: You have to be patient, Skip, somewhere out there is a girl who's going
to love you, a very, special, girl.

Skippy: Maybe that's her now.

Mallory knocks at Skippy's door.

Skippy opens the door.

Mallory: Hi, Skip, I just want to see if your alright.

Skippy: Yeah, I guess I am. You know Mallory, there's two Skippy's. A good
Skippy, and a bad Skippy. Would you like to go out with either of us on
Friday night?

Mallory. No. No.

Skippy: It's great to be back guys.

Skippy puts his arms around both Mallory and Alex.
THE END

Kitchen:

Elyse: Stretch. Stretch.

Elyse: Come on Jen, your not stretching.

Jennifer: Mom, I can't stretch anymore, I'm not gumby.

Elyse: Look, you're not getting out of this. You're my running partner when
your dad is out of town.

Jennifer: Can't I just drive along side you?

Elyse: Let's just go.

Elyse & Jennifer: Hi(to Alex who has entered the kitchen)

Jennifer: Alex, you have some food or something on your lip.

Alex: No I don't.

Elyse: Yes, you do, it looks like a little smudge, let me wipe it off for you.

Alex: Mom, it's not a smudge. It's a mustache.

Elyse: No it's not. Let me wipe it off.

Alex: Mom, it's a mustache. See?

Jennifer: What a second. I think I do see a few hairs.

Elyse: Where?

Jennifer: You see right there.

Elyse: Jennifer would you get out of my light?

Alex: Come on.

Alex: Mr. Binkley, the principal of the high school asked me to give this
year's homecoming address at the dance next week. I thought as an older,
more mature graduate of the school, I think I should look the part that's all.

Elyse: We didn't mean to make you feel self-conscious. Actually, your
mustache looks nice.(laughs)

Alex: It's amazing isn't it? I guess it's my body's way of saying,
congratulations Alex your a man, a hairy man.

(Exit Jennifer and Elyse through swinging door)

(Enter Skippy through back door)

Skippy: Oh hello, there Alex.

Alex: Hi Skip.

Skippy: Alex, I have great news.

Skippy: You have some dirt on your lips.

Alex: It's not dirt.

Skippy: Yes, it is here.

Alex: Skippy, no, It's a mustache.

Skippy: Oh wow where did you get it?

Alex: Never mind. So, what's your great news?

Skippy: After much thought and serious deliberation, I've decided to ask
Mallory to the homecoming dance.

Alex: What about Nick?

Skippy: No, I think I like Mallory better.

Alex: Skippy, why do you torture yourself? Mallory's not going to go with
you to the homecoming dance. She's in love with Nick.

Skippy: No she's not really in love with Nick. She's just using him to make
me jealous.

(Enter Mallory and Nick from the pantry area)

Mallory: I love you Nick.

Skippy: Need I say more?

Skippy: Hi there Mallory.

Mallory: Oh, hi.

Skippy: Hello Nick.

Nick: Hey there little buddy (pats Skippy on the arm and Skippy falls to the
floor)

Nick: Are you ok?

Skippy: It's ok, my mother can sow this arm right back on.

Nick: I gotta go babe, see you later. Bye.

Mallory: Bye.

(Exit Nick through back door)

Skippy: Mallory, wait a minute. I'd like to ask you something.

Mallory: What?

Skippy: Will you go with me to the homecoming dance next week?

Mallory: No, I will not go with you to the homecoming dance next week.

Skippy: Thanks for getting back to me so fast.

(Exit Mallory through swinging door)

Alex: And so Harding seniors, I stand before you as a former graduate, older
and hairier. No, that's no good. Older, wiser, and hairier.

(Enter Jennifer and Elyse through pantry area)

Jennifer: Mom, do I have to go with you?

Elyse: Honey, your father's out of town. I need your help, you've gotta fill
in.

Jennifer: But I don't know how to play bridge.

Elyse: Neither does your father.

Alex: Ok, ok, what's so funny?

Elyse: Nothing, it doesn't have anything to do with your mustache, really.

Alex: Ok, I don't know what you're snickering at. I think this mustache is
flourishing. I think it needs a trim.

Elyse: Oh, please don't, you'll get hair all over the place.(laughs)

(Exit Jennifer and Elyse through swinging door)

(Enter Skippy through back door)

Alex: Hey, Skippy, Skippy, listen I'm glad you're here. I'm working on my
speech, and I think I have a joke here. Let me bounce this off you.

Alex: Since I graduated Harding, I've grown older, more mature, and a
mustache. What do you think?

Skippy: (puts his head on the table)

Alex: Ok, I'm not saying it doesn't need work.

Skippy: I'm sorry Alex, I'm just not in a laughing mood.

Alex: What's wrong Skip?

Skippy: Well, yesterday's tragedy is weighing heavily on me, but, then I'm
sure it's depressing you as well.

Alex: It sure is Skip. What tragedy are you referring to?

Skippy: The one where Mallory won't go to the homecoming dance with me.

Alex: Oh yeah, that tragedy, I can't seem to get that out of my mind.

Skippy: I don't understand it. I can't understand it, what could Mallory
possibly see in Nick?

Alex: (coughs to let Skippy know that Mallory and Nick have walked into the
kitchen)

Skippy: Besides what I see in Nick, a fine, young, decent, potentially lethal
being.

Nick: Hey, Skippy, Mallory tells me you asked her to the homecoming dance.

Skippy: No, I asked her for directions to the homecoming dance. Please Nick,
you gotta believe me.

Nick: You know, I wouldn't have minded if she said yes, then I wouldn't have
to take her to this thing.

Mallory: Come on Nick, you'll have a great time.

Nick: Come on Mallory, this dance involves three things I can't stand.
School, wearing a tie, and school.

Nick: Hey

Alex: Hey.

(Exit Mallory and Nick through back door)

Skippy: Alex, this is not fair, I've known her longer, I've loved her longer,
I'm closer, I'm more convenient.

Alex: Women are funny that way, Skip.

Skippy: I'll ask someone else to the dance. When Mallory sees me with
another girl, she'll beg me to come back. That's a full proof plan.

Alex: I don't see any flaws in that.

Skippy: Do you think I can get someone else to go to the dance with me?

Alex: It's not mathematically impossible.

Alex: Skip, there's a whole world of women out there just waiting for a guy
like you.

Skippy: Great, find me one.

Livingroom:

(Enter Skippy through front door)

Alex: Hey, Skippy.

Skippy: Hey Alex.

Elyse: Hey, what are you all dressed up for?

Skippy: I have a big date and I'm meeting her here.

Elyse: You look great, she must be pretty special.

Skippy: Yeah, she's pretty special Mrs. Keaton.

Elyse: What's her name?

Skippy: I don't know.

Alex: Sylvia, It's sort of a blind date that I arranged for Skippy.

Skippy: Yeah, we'll probably get married.

Elyse: Well, when you know it, it's right.

(Exit Elyse, from livingroom to kitchen)

Skippy: I'm excited about this. Mallory will see me with another girl and
she'll be mine (snaps his fingers).

Skippy: Ok, so she's real pretty right?

Alex: Well, she's sort of

Skippy: What?

Alex: Here.

(Enter Ms. Bogner through front door)

Alex: Hello, Sylvia.

Ms. Bogner: Hello, Alex.

Alex: I'll take your coat.

Alex: Sylvia, this is Skippy Handleman. Skippy this is Sylvia Bogner.

Skippy: Hello, Mrs. Bogner.

Ms. Bogner: It's Ms. Bogner, I'm divorced.

Skippy: Oh ok, hello Ms. Sylvia Bogner.

Ms. Bogner: I'm a doctor.

Skippy: Ok, Ms.

Ms. Bogner: Dr.

Ms. Bogner & Skippy: Dr. Ms. Sylvia Bogner.

Alex: Shall we sit down?

Ms. Bogner: Testing 1, 2, testing 1, 2. Handleman case number one.

Alex: Sylvia is a psychiatrist.

Ms. Bogner: Yes, I come from a long line of Psychiatrists.

Skippy: Oh, that's a coincidence. I come from a long line of patients.

Alex: Well, that's great that you two have so much in common.

Ms. Bogner: It's nice of you to help me out with my project Skippy.

Skippy: No problem. What project?

Ms. Bogner: Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed Alex told you, I'm writing for the
National Psychiatric Journal for the National Psychiatric Association. I
study adolescent social life. Alex told me that you volunteered to let me
use you as a case study.

Skippy: Alex, can I talk to you privately for a minute please?

Skippy: Do you mind excusing us for a minute? Ms.

Ms. Bogner: Dr.

Ms. Bogner & Skippy: Dr. Ms. Sylvia Bogner.

Ms. Bogner: While you two are talking, do you mind if I use your phone?

Alex: No, help yourself, it's right over there.

Ms. Bogner: Thanks. I want to phone my babysitter and make sure she puts my
children to bed by 11.

Skippy: They get to stay up until 11?

Skippy: Alex, what is going on?

Alex: Skip, I'm sorry. I didn't get a chance to give you all the information.

Skippy: All the information. Alex, you have me going to the homecoming dance
with a divorced mother who's studying me for a psychology experiment. It's
not exactly a dream date.

Alex: Skip, You're not the easiest guy in the world to find a date for ok.
The only other person I could find was from the biology department, and she
wanted to dissect you after the dance.

Ms. Bogner: Thanks Alex. Shall we go Skippy?

Skippy: Yes, of course Ms. Bogner.

(Enter Mallory, who comes downstairs)

Skippy: Oh, Mallory I'd like you to meet somebody. This is Ms. Bogner and
she's with me.

Mallory: Hi, I think we've met before, you're Skippy's aunt?

Skippy: No, she's my date.

Mallory: It's nice to meet you.

(Exit Mallory through front door)

Commercial Break.

Livingroom:

(Enter Skippy through front door)

Skippy: Nick.

Nick: Hey, come in.

Skippy: Where are the Keatons?

Nick: They'll be back.

Skippy: What have you done with them?

Nick: They're all upstairs.

Skippy: I see.

Nick: Listen, I want to talk to you about Mallory.

Skippy: I never touched her Nick I swear. We're just neighbors, we're not
even close neighbors. You can't even see my house from here.

Nick: Take it easy Skippy, relax.

Skippy: Ok, I'm very relaxed now, I swear.

Nick: You and her are good friends huh?

Skippy: I am. She hates me.

Nick: No, I wouldn't say that's true. Listen, you and her have had some good
times together haven't you?

Skippy: A few. I used to like it when Mallory would babysit for me when I
was little. It was great. She'd let me watch tv, read me stories, and let
me stay up late.

Nick: I thought you two were the same age?

Skippy: We are.

Nick: So, look you know, I kind of get the idea that you like Mallory.

Skippy: Look, all right Nick, maybe I used to like Mallory, a little bit, but
now I'm very much in love with Ms. Bogner.

Nick: Yeah. Well, just the same, I hope the fact that Mallory and I go out
together, hasn't caused you any bad feelings or nothing.

Skippy: Not a bit.

Nick: Good, because I like you, you're a good guy.

(Enter Jennifer and Alex coming down the stairs)

Jennifer: Ok, Mallory come on down.

(Mallory standing at top of stairs, and then comes downstairs)

Skippy: Oh Mallory, you look, (Nick puts his hand on Skippy's shoulder to
warn him) just ok I guess.

Mallory: Thanks. Well, Nick, what do you think?

Nick: I think you're going to be the best looking girl in the place tonight.

Mallory: Let's get a picture.

Nick: Oh, then I gotta take off this tie.

Mallory: No, don't take it off.

(Door bell)

Alex: I'll get it.

(Enter Ms. Bogner through front door)

Alex: Hi, Sylvia.

Ms. Bogner: Good evening Alex.

Skippy: Oh hello, Ms. Bogner. You're looking ravishing this evening.

Ms. Bogner: Why thankyou Skippy.

At the dance:

Mr. Binkley; Can I have your attention please? Well, welcome to homecoming.
To begin the festivities, I take great pleasure in introducing our solutarian
of the class of 1984, and homecoming speaker, Alex P. Keaton.

Alex: Thankyou, thankyou Mr. Binkley. As I made my way here this evening,
I've been reflecting on how much has changed in our world since I left
Harding, mostly my face.

Ms. Bogner: Are you having a good time Skippy?

Skippy: Oh Yeah, oh yeah, I really am. No, I'm not, I'm miserable.

Ms. Bogner: Wide mood swings.

Skippy: Look over there. Look at Mallory and Nick. He has his arm around
her, she's whispering something in his ear. They're having a great time.

Ms. Bogner: Yes, isn't that nice.

Skippy: Ms. Bogner, I'm in love with Mallory. I've been in love with her
since I was six months old.

Alex: Sure, some of you ask why a mustache? Why not a beard, go tee, or
perhaps some outrageous, eye catching side burns?

Skippy: Ms. Bogner, please you gotta help me. You study adolescent social
behavior. What would an adolescent do in this situation?

Ms. Bogner: Skippy, you are an adolescent.

Skippy: Yeah I know, but, I'm still in the middle of adolescence, you know
how it turns out.

Ms. Bogner: All I can say is don't deny your feelings, don't be afraid to act
on your feelings.

Skippy: Act on my feelings?

Alex: Sure, facial hair may not be the answer to all the world's problems,
but we have to start somewhere. Thankyou.

Skippy: I'm cutting in. I said I'm cutting in Nick. Nick now.

Mallory: Skippy, what are you doing?

Skippy: Nick, Mallory's my girl, and I'm willing to fight for her. I've
known her longer, and if it wasn't for you, she'd be here with me at this
dance. Now these are my feelings and I'm acting on them. The Psychiatric
community is going to back me up on this.

Nick: Take it easy Skippy, I don't want to fight Skippy.

Skippy: Well, I do, I do.

Nick: Skippy, relax.

Alex: Hey, hey, hey, Nick, Skippy, what's going on?

Nick: I don't know, but I think he really wants to dance.

Alex: I got him Nick.

Mr. Binkley: What's going on here? Break this up, break this up. Handleman,
for a guy with four over due library books, you're treading on very thin ice.
Keaton, not you.

Alex: I'm sorry sir, I don't know what came over me, it must be the mustache.

Kitchen:

Jennifer and Elyse are sitting at the kitchen table playing checkers.
Jennifer is winning.

(Enter Alex, Mallory, and Nick)

Alex: Ok, that's the last time I go anywhere with you(Mallory), you(Nick) or
Skippy.

Elyse: What happened?

Alex: One minute I'm talking to Mr. Binkley and the next minute I'm
refereeing a fight between Skippy and Nick.

Jennifer: What was the fight over?

Alex: Mallory, can you believe that?

Elyse: Are you and Skippy ok?

Nick: Yeah, we're fine. Luckily, we fell on top of Alex, or somebody could
have gotten hurt.

Alex: I'm glad I could be of service. Now if you'll excuse me, I think, I'll
go upstairs and shave off this mustache.

Nick: (talking to Mallory): See, I told you it was a mustache.

Alex: Before I shave this mustache off, could we at least take a photo of it?

Jennifer: Oh good idea, I'll go get the zoom lens.

(Exit through swinging door Alex, Jennifer and Elyse)

Mallory: What could Skippy have been thinking? I never thought he'd do
something like that.

Nick: Don't be so hard on the guy Mal. He almost got himself killed tonight,
because he cares about you.

Mallory: You know, he's nice, in an annoying way.

Nick: So you do like him. I think you should tell him that.

Mallory: Well maybe. It's kind of comforting to have him around, you know
he's like an old sock.

Nick: See, I think he'd like to hear that.

(Enter Skippy through back door)

Skippy: Hi Nick.

Nick: Hey.

Skippy: I'm sorry about tonight, I hope I didn't hurt you to badly.

Nick: No hard feelings. Look, I'm going to go into the other room, so you
two can talk alone.

Mallory: Ok.

Skippy: That's very nice of you Nick, thanks.

Nick: No problem.

(Exit Nick through swinging door)

Skippy: So Mallory, did you have a good time at the dance?

Mallory: Great. Where's Ms. Bogner?

Skippy: Well she was getting a little hung up on me so I had to cut her loose.

Mallory: I'm sorry.

Skippy: No, I'm the one that's sorry Mallory. You've been rejecting me for
eighteen years now, and I keep making a fool out of myself hoping something's
going to change.

Mallory: Has it been that long?

Skippy: Yeah, and it's about time I grew up. I'm glad this happened tonight.
It's made me realize that I've been living in a dream world. Did you know I
used to sit around just thinking about what it would be like if we got
married?

Mallory(coughs): Married?

Skippy: Yeah, I had the whole thing planned out. A big ceremony at night
under a big tent.

Mallory: Like a circus?

Skippy: Yeah, except instead of walking down the aisle I'd be shot out from a
canon toward the alter. And then we'd go on our honeymoon to Paris. Where
we'd spend our nights alone dining on the banks of The Nile.

Mallory: Skippy, The Nile's in London.

Skippy: Whatever. Then we'd come back and buy a house with all the money I'd
make from my job as a seatbelt tester.

Mallory: Skippy, did you ever stop and think that maybe I'm not the one for
you? I'm not really as wonderful as you think I am. In fact, I think I've
been pretty mean to you over the years. Hey do you remember that time, we
were two years old, I tried to glue you to your play house door?

Skippy: Do I remember? Mallory, that was the best thing that ever happened to
me. Don't you understand? When you pay attention to me, it shows me that
you care.

Mallory: I do care Skippy, but come on, we're eighteen years old, and if you
and I are going to continue to be friends I think we need to start dealing
with each other as adults.

Skippy: You're absolutely right, I know.

Mallory: Look Skippy, let's make an agreement ok? I'll stop being mean to
you if you stop treating me in a silly, childish, romantic way, ok? From now
on we'll just have normal conversations.

Skippy: Yeah, sure I'll give it a shot.

Mallory: Ok, let's try right now. Hello, Skippy, how are you?

Skippy: I'm very fine. Thankyou for asking Mallory.

Mallory: How are your parents?

Skippy: They're very well, and will you marry me? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm
sorry. I need more time to practice. I'm not very good at being normal. You
gotta give me more time.

Mallory: I will as long as you promise you'll keep trying.

Skippy: I will, I promise. But, occasionally, just for old times sake, do
you think I could come by and bug you and you could glue me to something?

Mallory: I wouldn't have it any other way.

END CREDITS

FADE IN: Kitchen

(Alex is reading a book on the counter. Jennifer comes in with a box full of stuff, about to go out of the door.)

ALEX: Hey, Jen, what do you got there?

Jennifer: Oh, we’re cleaning out the attic. I gotta throw away all of this junk. (Sets the Box on the counter)

Alex: Junk? Wait a minute, Jennifer, This isn’t any old junk. This is my junk. The junk of the gods.

Jennifer: Mom said everything goes.

Alex: When Mom said everything goes, she didn’t mean this. (Takes out a flattened basketball. Jennifer throws it on the floor, It’s junk all right)

Jennifer: (Sarcastically) What was Mom thinking?

Alex: I gotta tell you, Jen. There’s a lot of memories in this box. Look at this. (Takes out a belt with a dollar sign embroidered on it) My Little baby money belt. (Puts it back and picks up a coloring book) Oh, my House Un-American Activities Coloring Book! (Takes the book out and picks up a lunch box with Nixon on it) My Richard Nixon lunchbox. I had such a happy childhood.

Jennifer: (Putting the stuff back in the box) Real normal too.
(She takes the box and goes out through the living room way. Skippy comes in through the door with a pad)

Skippy: Hey Alex!

Alex: Hey Skipper, How’s it going?

Skippy: Not Good. All this graduation stuff is really getting to me.

Alex: Like what?

Skippy: I have to pick a quote for the yearbook. (Takes out two yellow slips of paper) I
have two here and I can’t figure out what to use.

Alex: Let me see. (Takes the slips and reads them) “Each man must pursue justice, for only in justice is he truly free” (Reads the other one) or “Yabba-dabba-doo!” Either one will work, Skip.

(He gives the slips to Skippy as he goes to the kitchen table to read his magazine. Elyse comes in with a blue dress)

Elyse: Is Mallory here yet?

Alex: She just called from the store, Mom. She’ll be home any minute.

Elyse: Oh, good. Can’t wait for her to see this. (Sets the dress on the counter)

Alex: What do you got?

Elyse: (Holds the dress up) It’s my high school graduation dress. Thought maybe she’d want to wear it to her graduation.

Skippy: That’s a great idea! I’m gonna go home to see if my mom has anything for me to wear.

(He goes out the door as Steven comes in with clothes in a box marked “Trash”)

Steven: Elyse, I found some of my favorite stuff in this box marked trash. Look what you through out by mistake. (Takes out a ripped up shirt)

Elyse: I didn’t want to throw that out. I wanted to burn it.

(Nick and Mallory come in)

Nick: Hey! Hey!

Mallory: Hi!

Steven: Hey, Nick! Mal!

Nick: (Seeing the ripped shirt) Hey! That’s a great shirt you got there, Mr. Keaton. You know, I’ve been looking for one just like that.

(Elyse snatches the shirt out of Steven’s hands and gives it to Nick)

Mallory: (Picking up the dress) Wow! Great dress, Mom!

Elyse: It’s my old graduation dress. Thought it’d be perfect for you to wear to your graduation.

Mallory: Yeah, thanks!

Nick: Hey, You’re gonna look terrific in this.

Mallory: I love it! It’s so old, it’s in again.

Alex: By the time you graduate, Mal, it’ll be in yet again.

Steven: Hey, we better take this stuff down to goodwill, Elyse. (He and Elyse go out the
door. Nick, putting on the shirt, follows them.)

Nick: I’ll move my bike for you.

(They all go out.)

Mallory: (Going to the table where Alex is sitting) Alex, can I talk to you?

Alex: (Putting down his book) If you have to. (gets up and goes to the fridge)

Mallory: I have a problem and I need your advice.

Alex: (Getting a soda) What is it?

Mallory: I’m in real trouble, Alex. I may not graduate.

Alex: (Stunned, closes the fridge and turns around) Why not?

Mallory: Well, for one thing, I’m flunking Mrs. Hillman’s history class.

Alex: Oh, Mal! Is it hopeless, or are you flunking really badly?

Mallory: No, I’m flunking very well. There’s still hope, though. I think on the last test, I may have pulled a D.

Alex: Mal, How could you let this happen?

Mallory: I don’t know. It’s spring, and the weather’s been great. I’ve had a hard time concentrating.

Alex: Mallory, People don’t stop thinking when the sun comes out. Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence in July when all the other founding fathers were at the beach.

Mallory: Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence?

Alex: Yes

Mallory: There goes my D.

Alex: (Going back to the table) Mallory, I warned you about this at the beginning of the year. Mrs. Hillman is a very tough teacher. I Know, I had her. (He sits down)

Mallory: Yeah, What’d she give you?

Alex: A-plus. (Takes a swig of his soda) But she said I had a bad attitude. How could you be doing so badly in history?

Mallory: (Sits down at the table next to him). Let’s face it, Alex. You got the brains, I got the looks.

Alex: (Taken aback) Wait a minute, Mal. I got the brains and the looks. You got the better room.

Mallory: Alex, What am I gonna do?

Alex: I don’t know. You want me to go in and talk to Mrs. Hillman for you?

Mallory: It’s useless, Alex. She really has it in for me! She calls on me to answer questions all the time when she knows I don’t study. What is she trying to prove?
(Alex is really stunned at this reasoning)

SCENE 2: Classroom

(Students are gathered around. The bell rings and everyone takes a seat and faces forward. Mrs. Hillman comes in and goes to her desk)

Mrs. Hillman: Sorry I’m late, class. I trust you all had a good weekend. (Students grumble “Yeah”. A nerdy boy named Walter raises his hand) Yes, Walter?

Walter: (Standing up) This weekend, I read three books on the suggested summer reading list, Mrs. Hillman.

Mrs. Hillman: You’re a wild man, Walter. (He sits down) Now, I want to remind you that the final will be an oral exam given four weeks from today. Now if you clear your desks, take out a pencil or a pen, we’re going to have a pop quiz. (The students are like “What?” as Mrs. Hillman distributes the papers to the students) The question is in the handout. Please use facts to back up your opinion on the essay. You have until the end of class. (Looks at her watch) Begin. (Everyone starts diligently writing, except for one certain student: Mallory. She looks lost and all around, then starts marking her paper. Mrs. Hillman is going around the room checking out quizzes and stops short at Mallory’s desk and look over her paper) That’s quite a little shoe you’ve drawn there, Mallory. But it doesn’t really answer the question.

Mallory: Answers it better than my answer would.

Mrs. Hillman: Mallory. (Mrs. Hillman goes to her desk with Mallory following her) Mallory. I don’t understand your attitude.

Mallory: What do you mean?

Mrs. Hillman: This isn’t the first little shoe I’ve seen on one of your tests. (Picks up a folder and takes out a piece of paper) Now look at this paper you handed in last week on the history of New York City. (Reading) “It is very significant that the Pilgrims bought Manhattan Island for $24 because it established New York as a great place for bargains”. (Looks at Mallory sternly) Mallory, I’m appalled. What possessed you to write that?

Mallory: I don’t what to say, Mrs. Hillman. I try…I..I guess I don’t understand the material.

Mrs. Hillman: You don’t try, Mallory.

(She sits down. Walter gets up and raises his hand)

Walter: Mrs. Hillman, I’m done with this question. May I please write an essay on the basic land ordinance of 1785.

Mrs. Hillman: No! (He sits back down, defeated. To Mallory) The Only reason why you’re doing so poorly is because you refuse to apply yourself. Now I know you’re a much more intelligent girl than you let on.

Mallory: Why? Because I’m Alex’s sister?

Mrs. Hillman: That has nothing to do with it. You know, Mallory, I’ve been trying to get through to you all year, but obviously without success. (She stands up) Okay, this is what it comes down to. If you don’t get a B on the final exam, you’re going to flunk. And if that happens, you’re not going to graduate. (She starts writing on the blackboard)

Mallory: A B? Mrs. Hillman, I can’t get a B! I’m supposed to go to Grant Junior College. If I don’t graduate, they’re not gonna take me! Can I have, can I have a make-up exam or some extra credit assignments?

Mrs. Hillman: (faces Mallory) I’m not going to break the rules for you. The only way you’re going to pass is to sit down and start studying for that final.

Mallory: But it’s in four weeks!

Mrs. Hillman: You should have thought of that before.

(She continues to write on the board.)

SCENE 3: Living room

(Mallory is a nervous wreck while Jennifer and Alex sit on the couch with her)

Jennifer: I think you should tell them, Mal.

Mallory: I can’t, Jennifer. If I tell them I’m not graduating, they’ll kill me.

Alex: Look, Mallory. Mom and Dad will be at the graduation. Now, if you’re not there, they’re gonna realize something’s up.

Mallory: (Getting up and going to the side) I can’t believe I’m not graduating. You said it all along, Alex, You said I wouldn’t graduate, and I’m not.

Alex: Mallory, when I said you wouldn’t graduate, it wasn’t a dare.

Jennifer: Look, Mal. I think you should tell them. And don’t worry, They’ll understand. Mom and Dad could put this into perspective.

(Steven and Elyse come in- Elyse with the dress and Steven with a picture frame)

Elyse: (To Mallory) Hi, Honey! I had the dress altered for you. I’m so excited you’re going to be wearing it your graduation. It really means a lot to me.

Steven: (Holding up the frame) What do you think of this frame, Mal? I think your diploma would look great in here.

Mallory: It looks nice the way it is, Dad.

Elyse: You wanna try this on now?

Mallory: No, Mom, There’s plenty of time for that.

Elyse: No, there isn’t

Alex: Mom, There’s time. Trust her. Come on, Jen.

(Alex and Jennifer go out of the room. Steven sits on the couch and Mallory goes over to the table)

Mallory: Mom, Dad, There’s something I have to tell you. This isn’t easy for me and it’s not gonna make you happy. I won’t like it anymore than you will. You know, I don’t know why we got to put ourselves through this. In fact, I don’t even know why we’re even having this conversation.

Steven: I’m a little fuzzy on it myself.

Mallory: Okay, I’m failing history. Unless I get a B on my final, which is not likely, I’m not gonna graduate.

Elyse: Not graduate?

Steven: Why is it the first we’re hearing of this?

Mallory: I didn’t mention it before?

Steven: No. (Elyse puts her hand on her head, obviously pissed off)

Mallory: I guess I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, that I’d get that diploma somehow.

Elyse: How did you plan on getting that diploma, Mal? By going to the mall four nights a week? By spending all that time with Nick? By talking on the phone all hours?

Mallory: Okay, that didn’t work.

Elyse: I’m real glad you can see the humor in this because I can’t!

Mallory: What do you want me to do?

Elyse: I want you to start taking things seriously! I want you to grow up!

Mallory: Mom, Don’t yell at me! I feel bad enough already.

Elyse: Sometimes I have to yell at you. It’s the only way I can get through to you these days!

Steven: Come on, Elyse. Getting upset isn’t going to help. (To Mallory) HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, MALLORY?!

Mallory: (Crossing over to the fireplace) I didn’t want to!

Steven: Can’t you make the grade up at all?

Mallory: I don’t know! My teacher’s so unfair to me. I asked her if I could do extra credit. She said (Dramatically) “No, Mallory. You have to get a B on the final or else”. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to do that!

Elyse: There’s still time.

Mallory: Come on, Mom. I can’t learn a year’s worth of work in four weeks! Can’t you guys talk to Mrs. Hillman for me?

Elyse: Why, Mallory? What are we going to say, that she should let you graduate even though you didn’t do the work and you don’t deserve it?

Mallory: Okay, but put it in your own words.

Elyse: If that’s your attitude, just fine. Don’t graduate!

Mallory: (crossing over to her) What do you want me to do?

Steven: I think your only choice is to sit down and study as hard as you can!

Mallory: Dad, what would be the point? I would still flunk! I’m not smart! There’s no way I can do this!

Elyse: You are smart, Mallory. You just don’t apply yourself. Your teachers have always said that.

Steven: If you give up on this, you’re not giving yourself a chance. Now, this time it’s too important.

Mallory: (Sitting down in a chair) I’m scared.

Elyse: You have no choice.

ADVERTISEMENTS
FADE IN: Kitchen

(Elyse, Steven and Jennifer are doing some chores. Alex and Ellen come in. Alex has a big box of stuff)

Alex: Hey how’s it going! (everyone says hello to them as Alex sets down his box of stuff) Where’s Mallory? I have some things for her.

Elyse: Oh, she’s at the library, studying.

Alex: No, I mean, Mallory.

Jennifer: She’s at the library studying, Alex.

Alex: All right, don’t tell me.

Ellen: Come on, Alex, give her credit. She’s really been buckling down these past two weeks.

Steven: It’s amazing, She hasn’t gone shopping once in that time.

Jennifer: Yeah, we just got a letter from the Columbus Merchants Association. Retail sales are way down. They offered to start a high school and graduate her from it.

(Mallory and Nick come in with their arms full of books and set them down on the kitchen table)

Mallory: Hi!

Everyone: Hi!

Nick: Hey!

Steven: Hey

Mallory: Thanks for helping me study, Nick. (She sits down)

Nick: Oh sure, Mal. Glad I could help. You know, I wanna see you graduate, Mal. I want to see your name on that old pigskin.

Mallory: Sheepskin, Nick.

Nick: Oh, You are so smart!

(The family comes by and surrounds her)

Alex: Hey, How’s it going?

Steven: Can we help you at all?

Mallory: No, I really got to do this on my own.

Elyse: Okay, We’ll leave you alone.

Jennifer: You just study, Mal.

Steven: We won’t get in your way. Just pretend we’re not in the same room.

(Everyone gets up from the table as Mallory starts to read, but everyone just stands back and looks right dead at her. They slowly creep up and look over her. Mallory looks up and sees them all on her.)

Alex: All right, okay, give her some air. (Backs them up) Come on, give her some air.
These brain cells need all the oxygen they can get.

Elyse: We were just going.

Alex: (Giving her his box of stuff) Listen, before we go, Mallory. I got some, eh,
inspirational study aids here for you. (He takes out a picture of the signing of the Declaration of Independence and puts it on the wall.) There. And of course. (Takes out a small picture frame of his favorite person, himself, and sets it down next to her) And this is the best one. Remember when I was in that high school play I played Abe Lincoln? Whenever I do a history paper, I wear this to get me in the mood. (Takes out a Lincoln stovetop hat and puts it on his head. Everyone snickers) What? What’s so funny?

Ellen: You look like a little stove.

Mallory: Thanks, Alex.

Alex: (Putting the coveted hat on her head) Now, listen. Just memorize the facts, okay? Don’t try to (Pats the hat down) learn anything. You’ll just hurt yourself.

Ellen: Alex, that’s terrible advice!

Elyse: (While she is speaking, she pats the hat further down on Mallory’s head) But the facts won’t help her if she doesn’t know what they mean!

Steven: Elyse, she has a limited time here. It’s best for her to know a lot of facts and a few little theories.

Alex: (Smacking the hat even further down, almost covering Mallory’s head) He’s right, Mom. This is no time for theories.

Jennifer: Just remember the facts, Mallory.

Nick: Hey, flunking out is not so bad.

(Everyone starts arguing. Mallory takes off the hat and calms everyone down)

Mallory: EXCUSE ME! Excuse me! Look, I appreciate your support but I got to get this studying done. I’m the one who has to be tested, so I really got to do this on my own. Thanks anyway. (Everyone backs away from her and starts to go about their business) Where’d I put my pen?

(Everyone whips out a pen and offers them to her)

SCENE 4: Kitchen

(It is a few days later. Mallory is sleeping on one of her books at the kitchen table. Alex comes up and nudges her a bit. She wakes up with a jolt and he sits down next to her)

Mallory: (sleepily) Hi, Alex.

Alex: Hi, Mal. It’s after two in the morning. You were asleep.

Mallory: No, I wasn’t. I was just reading. Very closely.

Alex: You should go on up. Your exam’s in the morning. You’re gonna want to get some sleep. (Goes to the fridge and opens in)

Mallory: No, I just want to go over this one more time.

Alex: (Taking out the milk and getting a glass to drink) You know, Mal. You’ve studied more in the past four weeks than you ever have in your entire life. You got to remember- in the last 18 years, your brain has remained relatively unused. You can’t just throw it into action, it might cramp up.

Mallory: Alex, I know you think this is a joke, but I have been working very hard.

Alex: (Taking his glass of milk to the table and sits down) I know you have. I’ve been watching you study. Been bucking down. I’m impressed. You’re gonna do well on this exam tomorrow.

Mallory: (Smiling a bit) You really think so?

Alex: Yeah.

Mallory: You really think I’m smart?

Alex: (pondering this) Yeah.

Mallory: Smarter than you?

Alex: Let’s stay in the real world.

(He drinks his milk as Mallory studies)

SCENE 5: Classroom

(Mallory is waiting outside the door. Skippy is in the middle of his oral exam with Mrs. Hillman)

Mrs. Hillman: Okay, Skippy. This is your last question. Give me three results of the Civil War.
Skippy: The Union Pacific Railroad was built, the Southern plantation economy was destroyed, and Rhett and Scarlett got a divorce.

Mrs. Hillman: Are you sure about that last one?

Skippy: Maybe they just separated.

Mrs. Hillman: Okay, Skippy, that’s it. You can go.

Skippy: Thank you very much, Mrs. Hillman. (He gets up as Mallory comes in the door)

Mallory: Hey Skippy, how’d it go?

Skippy: Uh, I think I got somewhere between an A and a F. (He leaves)

Mrs. Hillman: Mallory, sit down. (She takes a seat at the front row) So, Have you been studying?

Mallory: Yes, a lot.

Mrs. Hillman: Good. Well, good luck.

Mallory: Thank you.

Mrs. Hillman: Okay, I’m gonna ask you six questions. I want you to think about what you’re going to say and be brief and to the point. Ready?

Mallory: Uh huh.

Mrs. Hillman: “What was the Louisiana Purchase and how did it affect Thomas Jefferson’s presidency?”
(Mrs. Hillman gets up and walks slowly about Mallory)

Mallory: Thomas Jefferson wanted some land, and uh, Napoleon had some…uh, (Mrs. Hillman cannot believe what she is hearing) So he finally bought it for $15 million dollars, which wasn’t a bad price considering it was from France.

Mrs. Hillman: I thought you said you studied.

Mallory: I did.

Mrs. Hillman: That answer was gibberish. Now tell me the answer in complete and coherent English.

Mallory: I don’t know what you mean.

Mrs. Hillman: (Crossing back to her desk) Then you’re going to flunk and you won’t graduate.

Mallory: Mrs. Hillman…

Mrs. Hillman: When are you going to drop this charade and start acting like an intelligent young woman?

Mallory: I’m doing the best I can.

Mrs. Hillman: Mallory, if this is the best you can do, than obviously I overestimated you.

Mallory: (getting up from her desk and getting defensive) How can you say that? I’ve been studying my head off for four weeks! What do you want from me?

Mrs. Hillman: An intelligent answer. Now, come on! How did the Louisiana Purchase affect Thomas Jefferson’s presidency? Tell me what you think, intelligently! Can you do that? Or would you rather…

Mallory: (In a burst of rage) The Louisiana Purchase was difficult for Jefferson because he supported states’ rights, and when he made the purchase, he was doing more for federal powers so he lost political backing for the people who were involved in states rights! (Mrs. Hillman is thrilled- Mallory finally did something right for once!) I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.

Mrs. Hillman: Mallory! That’s what I want from you! Now that was an intelligent answer!

Mallory: It was?

Mrs. Hillman: Yes, it was. (Mallory is beaming with delight) You want to try another one?

Mallory: Well, we’re here. We have the room for another hour.

(Mallory sits down at the desk and Mrs. Hillman sits on her desk again)

Mrs. Hillman: Okay, what was the primary reason for the Era of Good Feeling during the presidency of James Monroe?

Mallory: Monroe’s opposing political party, the Whigs, was badly weakened because they didn’t support the War of 1812, so Monroe was able to get all of his ideas through Congress without anyone opposing him.

Mrs. Hillman: (Gets up from her desk) Finally, the real Mallory Keaton.

(She takes Mallory’s hand and shakes it)

SCENE 7: Auditorium
(It’s Graduation Day and all of the students in caps and gowns and teachers prepare for the ceremony. Nick, Ellen and Alex come in)

Nick: Yep, the Old High School Auditorium. You know, I got some great memories of this place.

Alex: Yeah, I’m sure the police share those memories with you.

(Jennifer, Elyse and Steven are there looking at their programs)

Jennifer: Here come the graduates. (Mallory and Skippy come up to them) Smile. (She takes their picture with her camera)

Steven: Congratulations, you two!

Elyse: Oh, honey! I’m so proud of you.

Skippy: Oh, go on!

Elyse: Uh, Mallory, we’re proud of you, too.

(She hugs Mallory and gives Steven a little kiss on the cheek)

Mallory: Well, I made it.

Steven: You worked hard and it paid off.

Mallory: Well, You forced me to work hard.

Elyse: We didn’t force you. We encouraged you.

Mallory: Forcefully. (She sees Mrs. Hillman at the other side of the room shaking hands) Excuse me for a minute. I want to go talk to Mrs. Hillman. (She goes to Mrs. Hillman) Mrs. Hillman.

Mrs. Hillman: Hi! Hey, you look great in a cap and gown! As a matter of fact, you look wonderful.

Mallory: Maybe I should graduate more often. (They laugh a little) Mrs. Hillman, why did you do it? Why’d you spend so much time on me?

Mrs. Hillman: Because I believe in you, Mallory. You know, when I was in school, I saw so many girls like you who were smart but they just didn’t try and acted dumb. There was this ridiculous notion that they can get dates more easily that way.

Mallory: Well, did they?

Mrs. Hillman: Well, yes, but that’s not the point. Once you’re out of high school, everything changes and being dumb doesn’t get you anything.

(Dr. Schulte, the principal, goes to the podium and gets everyone to take seats)

Dr. Schulte: Please be seated. Please, everyone take your seats. Thank you. (Everyone sits down in their respective places) Parents, students, teachers, friends, welcome to Graduation ’86!

(Everyone applauds as the episode ends)

I'm starting a new thread with transcripts and I'm gonna organise it better than the last one k. :) If u have a transcript email it to me at techno_chocolate_@hotmail.com.


POSTED:
Page 1 - Pilot
Page 2 - Not with my sister you don't
Page 3 - Sherry Baby
Page 4 - Margin of Error
Page 5 - The fifth Wheel
Page 6 - Speed trap
Page 7 - Hotline fever
Page 8 - Don't kiss me I'm only the messenger
Page 9 - Fool for Love
Page 10 - The paper chase (aka) Mallory's graduation
Page 11 - Anniversary Waltz
Page 12 - A, My name is Alex
Page 13 - D is For Date
Page 14 - Dream Date
Page 15 - Give Uncle Arthur A Kiss
Page 16 - Cold Storage
Page 17 - Elyse D'Arc
Page 18 - I know Jennifer's boyfriend
Page 19 - Oops
Page 20 - Walking on air
Page 21 - 4 Rms Ocn Vu
Page 22 - Have Gun Will Unravel
Page 23 - My Best Friend's Girl
Page 24 - Big Brother Is Watching
Page 25 - A Christmas Story
Page 26 - No Nukes Is Good Nukes (Thanksgiving Episode)
Page 27 - Working At It

COMING SOON:
1. Invasion Of the Psychologist snatchers
2. The Wrecker's Ball
3. Alex doesn't live here anymore
4. Job Not Taken
5. Auntie Up

That's enough to keep me going for a while but some transcripts I want are:

The Real thing (Pts 1&2)
The Fugitive (Pts 1&2)
Heartstrings (Pts 1, 2 & 3)
Summer of '82
Say Uncle
They Can't Take That Away From Me (Pts 1&2)

Anyone game enough to do them for me? :p
Thanx! :wave:

Family Ties Anniversary Waltz Transcript

Scene I: Livingroom
(Alex, Mallory, Jennifer and Steven are present)
(Alex, Mallory, and Jennifer are looking at a photo album)

Mallory: Who's that?

Alex: That's Dad's, Mother's, Mother. Our great-grandmother.

Mallory: Oh.

Jennifer: She had real flabby arms.

Alex: Yeah, it's a nice match with the legs.

Jennifer: Now there's a nice looking guy. Who's that?

Alex: That's Vic Damone. The picture came with the album.

Mallory: (picking up an invitation) Oh look. Mr. & Mrs. Charles Donnelly, annouce the wedding of their daughter Elyse Catherine to Steven Richard Keaton.

(Elyse enters the livingroom from the stairs.)

Jennifer: Hey Mom, look at your old wedding invitation.

Elyse: 1964, twenty years. Can you believe it Steven?

(Elyse tries to get Steven's attention. He is laying on the couch with a newspaper.)

Elyse: I guess he can't.

Mallory: Are you guys going to have a party?

Elyse: Well, I'm working on it. But, your father doesn't like to celebrate these things.

Steven: (With a pillow over his head): Of course I do. I love to celebrate these things.

(Removes the pillow.)

Steven: I just don't like big parties. I happen to think that you can have a party with fewer than 1,000 people.

Elyse: You used to like big gatherings.

Steven: Elyse, this is our anniversary. Not the march on Washington.

Elyse: Actually, you already agreed.

Steven: When did I agree?

Elyse: Last year. Don't you remember? Just the two of us had dinner together.

Steven: Of course I remember, it was very romantic.

Elyse: Well, this year, instead of romance, let's have fun. You know what I mean.

Jennifer: Let's face it Dad, she wants a big party.

Elyse: Well, it's our twentieth, it's a big day. I just feel that there's a lot of people I'd like to share that with.

Steven: Alright, Elyse, if you insist on having a party, I won't stand in your way.

Alex: Sounds like a go to me.

Elyse: This is so exciting, you're going to love it Steven. Where should we have the party?

Steven: Any place you want it is ok with me. You decide, I'm thoroughly amenable.

Elyse: The Banquet Room at Gweedos.

Steven: Not Gweedos.

Elyse: What's the matter with Gweedos?

Steven: Nothing, Gweedos is fine.

Elyse: Ok, I'll keep it small and intimate Steven, I promise.

Steven: What? Just a few other couples then?

Elyse: Well, if we're going to rent a room, and hire a band I think--

Steven: A band!? Ok, ok a band is fine. I'll stay out of this.

Mallory: Sounds like fun Mom. Do you want me to call Gweedos and reserve the room?

Elyse: No, that's ok, I already called them.

Scene II: Kitchen
(Elyse is sitting at the kitchen table. Jennifer enters through swinging door.)

Jennifer: Hi Mom. What's for dinner?

Elyse: Well, I thought we'd start off with some ordervs. Rumockey, pigs in blankets, things like that, and then chicken floorenteen, zuccini, pastry, and
coffee.

Jennifer: Well, I'll have everything, except the coffee, let's eat.

Elyse: Oh honey I'm sorry, I was talking about the party.

Jennifer: Oh, then what are we having tonight?

Elyse: Tonight, we're having Captain Barnacole's take-out fish balls.

Jennifer: Again? I hope they defrosted them this time.

(Steven enters through the back door.)

(Alex and Mallory enter through the pantry area)

Steven: Oh, hello everybody.

Mallory: You did,

Alex: I didn't.

Mallory: I know you did Alex.

Alex: No, you think you know I did, but I didn't.

Elyse: Steven, where are the fish balls?

Steven: I couldn't start the car, I had to leave it at work. I had to take the bus home. I'm soaked to the skin. I couldn't get the fish balls.

Elyse: Oh Steven, you couldn't get the fish balls?

Steven: Let me run this by you again Elyse. I couldn't start the car. I had to leave it at work. I took the bus home. I couldn't get the fish balls. Say it with me. I couldn't start--

Mallory: Dad, Alex's been reading my diary. I know, because he's been using words and phrases that I use in it.

Alex: That's not true. Her accusations are totally bogus, and grand to the max.

Mallory: You see, he doesn't talk like that.

Alex: I didn't read her diary ok. I went into her room to look for a book.

Mallory: Ha! What would a book be doing in my room?!

Alex: She's got me there.

Elyse: Steven, I have to talk to you about the arrangements. Now Gweedos is all set for the party.

Steven: Gweedos? How? Oh ok, Gweedos is fine. Whatever you want to do is fine.

Steven: Is it raining in here? Yes, yes it is. I thought we had this fixed?

Elyse: We did. I'll call the roofer.

Mallory: Dad, you have to talk to Alex.

Steven: About what?

Mallory: About reading my diary.

Steven: Alex, read your sister's diary.

Mallory: Dad!

Alex: Look, I didn't read her stupid diary.

Mallory: How would you know my diary was stupid, if you hadn't read it?!

Alex: Mallory, I don't have to stick my hand in water to know it's wet.

Elyse: Ok guys, the roofer can be here Wednesday, after three. Can anyone be here?

Everyone: I can't, I'm busy.

Elyse: Oh! I'll try to be here.

Elyse: Steven, I got to talk to you about these arrangements. I have the guest list here.

Steven: That's the guest list? Why don't you use this guest list (holds up the yellow pages phone book). Fewer people.

Elyse: I'll look through it.

Steven: I bet you will.

Elyse: This is going to be a fun party.

Steven: I'm looking forward to it.

Elyse: Me too.

Alex: Mallory can you put something under this drip?

Mallory: You're a drip Alex! Why don't you spit in it!

(Mallory leaves through the swinging door.)

Alex: Ok, Mallory bag your face.

(Alex leaves through swinging door.)

Elyse: Twenty years huh?

Steven: Yeah, seems just like--

Elyse & Steven: Fifty.

Scene III: Livingroom.

(Steven is in the livingroom. Enter Elyse through front door.)

Elyse: Sorry, I'm late. I stayed at the office, to put the guest list on the computer.

Steven: You forgot about the roofer Elyse.

Elyse: No, I didn't. He's invited.

Steven: I mean you weren't home when he got here.

Elyse: So I forgot the roofer, so what!?

Steven: So, have you been in the kitchen lately?

Elyse: No.

Steven: No? Take a dingy.

Elyse: I had a hard day at work Steven, let's not get into a fight ok?

Steven: Ok, I'm sorry you had such a bad day at work.

Elyse: Well, it wasn't such a bad day. I did have luch with Suzanne and she and Ron are coming.

Steven: At least some of my friends will be there.

Elyse: Well, they can't get here until midnight, and they won't be able to stay very long. I also ran into Bernie Packer.

Steven: Glad he's not invited.

Elyse: Well-

Steven: Elyse!

Elyse: Well, Suzanne assumed he was invited and mentioned it, so I had to invite him. He's a very sweet man. He was very helpful to my mother a few years ago.

Steven: In that case, we should take him in as a border.

Steven: Elyse, the man is a bafoon.

Elyse: He's not a bafune. He happens to have a very good sense of humor.

Steven: He's really funny. I especially like the noise he makes.

Elyse: What noise?

Steven: (makes noise)

Elyse: I never noticed that noise.

Steven: How could you not notice a noise like (makes noise).

Elyse: I am aware of the positive things about Bernie.

Steven: (makes noise) Is the most positive thing about Bernie.

Elyse: Look, I know there are some problems here. If you don't want Bernie to come to the party he doesn't have to come to the party. We don't even have to have a party!

Steven: We are having the party. I'm not going to miss my twentieth anniversary because of you.

Elyse: You are having your twentieth anniversary because of me!

Steven: I'm having our twentieth anniversary because of us!

Elyse: There woudn't be any us, if it wasn't for me.

Steven: Or me, so there.

(The phone rings. Elyse goes to answer it. Steven goes to hang up his jacket.)

Elyse: Hello! Bernie.

Steven: Great say (makes noise) for me.

Elyse: You're coming fabulous. Steven will be so happy. Til then Bern, bye.

Elyse hangs up the phone.


Steven: Ok Elyse, so all your friends are coming, including Bernie, happy?

Elyse: Never happier.

(Steven goes through the mail, tossing each piece on the table as he sorts through it.)

Steven: I've never been happier either. I'm delearous with glee. Bernie Packer is coming to our party. How much delight can one man possibly stand?

(Starts throwing mail everywhere.)

Elyse: Would you stop putting down Bernie. I am crazy about Bernie!

Steven: You can spend the whole evening with Bernie. You can just dance with Bernie and (makes noise) your brains out!

(Throws the rest of the mail up in the air.)
(Elyse tries to catch it as it falls to the floor.)

Scene IV: Kitchen

(Mallory and Jennifer are sitting at the ktichen table and Alex is standing.)

Jennifer: Please, we got to talk about Mom and Dad's present.

Alex: Speaking of talking Jennifer. Did you know that Mallory is afraid to talk to Kirk McMillen.

Mallory: The only way you'd know that Alex, is if you read my diary.

Jennifer: That's not true, he could have easedropped like I did-

Alex: Maybe this whole discussion is academic. I mean the way they're arguing, they're probably going to call the party off anyway.

Mallory: Look, just on the off chance that they do make up, we have to get them something. Now what do they need?

Alex: They need a lawyer.

Jennifer: I hope they make up. I don't want to wind up in some home for wafes.

Mallory: Now ok, what should we get them?

Alex: I say we get them a new set of tires.

Mallory: I have a much better idea. We can get them matching sweater and slacks outfits. It'll be great.

Alex: Mallory, we're shopping for our parents here, not Ken and Barbie.

Mallory: Alex, are you going to shoot down every good idea I have?

Alex: Mallory, the day you get a good idea, let me know.

Mallory: I will!

Alex: Ok!

Jennifer: Will you two stop fighting! We have to work this out.

(Steven enters the kitchen.)

Mallory: Shhh.

Mallory: I disagree. I think we can learn a lot from Einstein.

Steven: Talking about the anniversary?

Jennifer: Is there still going to be one?

Steven: Why woudn't there be one?

(Enter Elyse from pantry area.)

Elyse: I've been looking all over the house for this. (Picks up something green)

(Elyse exits through pantry area.)

(Steven exits through pantry area.)

Jennifer: Look, I have no doubt in my mind that they will make up before the party tomorrow night. If not, I'm calling a family meeting.

Scene V: Kitchen
Everyone is in the kitchen sitting at the table, except Jennifer is standing.

Jennifer: This family meeting is here by called to order. Will the secretary please read the minutes of the last meeting?

Mallory: You are the secretary Jennifer.

Jennifer: You're out of order. I know I'm the secretary Mallory. I'm just trying to be official here.