Elyse: Ok, Alex you're going to take Jennifer to Chrissy's, Mallory to Susan's, and you're going to Peter's, and you're going to be back here at 9:30 right?

Alex has keys in his hands.

Alex: All right Mom.

Elyse: Have a good time.

Elyse kisses Jennifer on the cheek.

Jennifer gets up and Mallory, Alex, and Jennifer head toward the kitchen.

Alex: You have a good time Mom within bounds.

Jennifer gets her coat.

Jennifer: What are bounds?

Elyse light swats Jennifer on the bottom.

Alex, Mallory and Jennifer exit.

Elyse puts music on. The doorbell rings. Elyse goes and answers it.

Elyse: Phyllis.

Phyllis: Elyse, sorry to barge in like this but--

Several women come in.

Elyse: What are you doing here?

Phyllis: We just found out that the opposition is going to try to sneak through the zoning bill tomorrow. The only way to save it is to call all the councilmen tonight.

Elyse: Tonight? Why does it have to be tonight? We haven't much time. They scheduled a session for 9AM tomorrow morning.

Berniece: Oh you've got plans. I'm sorry I didn't even notice. Look at you, you're all dressed up and (sniffs) that's Ravish Me isn't it.

Elyse: Yes. Well, actually Steven and I had a special dinner planned.

Berniece: That's powerful stuff Elyse. I don't think you'll make it to dessert.

Elyse: Well, hey I'm really sorry that I can't help you, but this has been put off. Let me help you with this stuff.

Elyse carries a handful of stuff outside.

Steven: Elyse, which goes better with this jacket? The dark brown or the gray?

Steven comes downstairs wearing a shirt, tie, jacket, and underwear, but without pants on. He is holding two pairs of pants. He sees all the women and wonders where Elyse is. He puts the pants in front of him.

Steven: Is Elyse Keaton here?

Elyse comes back inside.

Elyse: Hi Steven.

Steven: Hi Elyse. What's going on?

Elyse: They moved up the rezoning vote on us. It's tomorrow.

Steven: So?

Elyse: So, it's important that we take action tonight.

Steven: Elyse, it's important we take action tonight.

Elyse: I know. See it's ok. Everything has been moved to Bernieces house and they're going to work there.

Berniece: We'll be out of here in a second.

Phyllis: If we can carry all this stuff.

Steven: I have complete confidence in you.

It starts pouring down rain, with thunder and lightening.

Berniece: It's really raining out there.

Steven: Come on! Don't be such a marshmallow! A little rain never hurt anyone. It's good for the crops.

Berniece: We're not carrying crops.

Steven: It's just a sun shower.

Elyse: Steven we can't send them out in rain like that.

Steven: You're right. Ladies there's an inflatable raft in the garage.

Elyse: Steven!

Steven: All right. All right. Ladies, stop. Wait stop. All right ladies, look I guess you can work here.

Steven: But, we'll be in your way.

Steven: I know.

Scene 7:

Dinning room: Steven and Elyse are sitting at the dinning room table.

Elyse: To Murray.

Steven: To you.

Elyse: To the three of us.

Berniece enters.

Berniece: Elyse? We can't find the environmental impact report that was done from 1981.

Elyse: Third drawer to the left, brown folder.

Berniece: We can't find the coffee either.

Elyse: Second cupboard to the right.

Berniece walks over to Steven and Elyse.

Berniece: Isn't this romantic?

Steven: It could be.

Berniece leaves.

Steven: Elyse, lets face it, this isn't working.

Elyse; Go on with what you were saying.

Steven: Not being able to spend time with you these past few days--

Berniece comes back in and walks over to where she came in before. She's carrying a lot of things in her hands. She's not able to get he door and looks over at Steven and Elyse. She smiles.

Steven: No, no trouble at all.

Steven gets up to open the door for Berniece.

Steven: Don't be silly. None, none. Go.

He goes and sits back down at the table by Elyse.

Steven: Look, the fight we had last night reminded me of how much you mean to me. It's made me understand that we have to take better care of us, of our relationship. Sometimes the world is too much with us and we forget the really essential things, but some things never change and no matter how much time goes by--

Berniece comes in.

Berniece (singing): We must remember this. A kiss is just a k---.

Steven and Elyse look at Berniece.

Berniece: Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt. It's just that we're two votes short of defeating the bill. Can you think of any other councilmen that might be swayed?

Elyse: Try Max Bloominthaw.

Berniece: Bloominthaw right. (singing): A sigh is just a sigh.

Berniece leaves.

Elyse: I'm sorry Steven.

Steven: All I'm trying to say is your very important to me. Last night alone is the guest room it felt so strange not having you next to me and I realize that it would be a terrible thing void if I suddenly found myself without--

Elyse: Ralph Jetlin.

Steven: No, not him.

Elyse: No, I think Ralph Jetlin could be talked into voting with us.

Steven: Elyse!

Elyse: I'm sorry Steven. I have to tell Berniece. I'll be right back.

Elyse gets up and goes to tell Berniece. Steven throws his napkin on the table and gets up and leaves. Elyse comes back in.

Elyse: Ok Steven now we're alone.

Elyse realizes Steven left.

Scene 8:

Livingroom: Steven enters from the front door soaking wet. Elyse is on the couch facing away from Steven.

Elyse: Hello.

Steven: Hello. Hello Berniece. Hello Phyllis.

Elyse: Stop it Steven. They're gone.

Steven: How'd the vote count go?

Elyse: I think we have enough to win. We'll know for sure tomorrow.

Elyse turns around and gets up. She sees that Steven is soaking wet.

Elyse: Steven, you're soaking wet!

Steven: I've been walking around since I left.

Elyse goes over to Steven.

Elyse: For three hours in the rain? My goodness.

Steven: I didn't say I enjoyed it.

Elyse: Well, come upstairs and change.

Steven: No.

Elyse: Steven, you're going to catch a cold.

Steven: Elyse, I have a few things to say to you Elyse and I'm not changing my clothes until I say them.

Elyse: You have every right to be angry.

Steven: I am angry. I'm just not sure if I'm angry at you, at me, or at condominiums. I'm confused. Part of me feels selfish and part of me feels neglected.

Steven sits down at the table by the front door.

Elyse: All of you looks wet and soggy. Won't you come up and change?

Steven gets up from the table.

Steven: I'm trying to explain something to you and to myself. Look all of the things which have been taking up your time these last few days have been wonderful. Your career, spending time with the kids, helping distraught women. Even though part of me wants you around the house here all the time. I love the fact that you're never here. That didn't come out right.

Elyse: I think I know what you mean.

Steven: I just can't help feeling that at some point during the last few days, you could have said no to someone besides me. It seems like you're just taking me for granted.

Elyse: It's because I'm taking you for granted.

Steven: So I was on the right track.

Elyse: Look, don't think I'm taking for granted the fact that you let me take you for granted.

Steven: If I understood that, would I be happy?

Elyse: Well, I meant it as a compliment. See, I was brought up to think of the husband as the be all end all of my existence. That the man should be the center of my life and that I should learn to live in his shadow and sublimate my ambitions to his and wait on him hand and foot. Satisfy his every need. Answer his every desire. Well you can see how ridiculous that is can't you?

No response

Elyse: Can't you Steven?

No response.

Elyse: Oh Steven.

Steven: Sorry, momentary lapse. Of course I don't want that.

Elyse: No, you'd hate it.

Steven: Well, maybe hate is too strong a word.

Elyse: Steven, it's been your support and encouragement that has allowed me to grow and become the woman I am. I don't know another man I could be fighting with right now.

Steven: I'm flattered.

Elyse: When things get hectic and I'm being pulled in all directions I find that I'm short changing you because I know you'll always be there for me.

Steven: I want to be there for you.

Elyse: But, I know I haven't been there for you. That I wasn't there to share your award because I was doing things. I know I have to learn to say no to other things so that there will be time for us. So for now on if it's between clean air and you, clean air has to go.

They kiss.

Steven: Don't do that Elyse. Clean air is important.

Elyse: All right, clean air stays. How about, I know, planned parenthood.

Steven: You can't give that up.

Elyse: Ok, I know, pets without partners.

Steven: There's one. That can go.

They start to go up the stairs. Elyse turns off the lights downstairs.

Steven: Although, I'd hate to think of all those lonely pets.

The End.

I Know Jennifer's Boyfriend

Scene I:

Kitchen: Alex is sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. Jennifer and her friend Justin enter the kitchen through the swinging door. They're carrying newspapers. They sit the newspapers down on a tall stack of newspapers. Jennifer takes the newspaper Alex was reading away from him and adds it to the stack.

Alex: Hey what are you doing? Where are you going with my paper?

Jennifer: I need it Alex. We're going to recycle it.

Alex picks his newspaper back up.

Alex: Wait until it's been cycled first.

Alex sits back down at the kitchen table with his paper.

Alex: This is the kind of Milton behavior that leaves you environmentalists a bad name.

Justin: Environmentalists don't have bad names.

Jennifer: They do with Alex.

Alex: The whole idea of recycling is ridiculous. It's a waste of time.

Jennifer: Listen Alex, this planet's in real danger. There's a limitation to the Earth's resources useless we all do our share. The entire life support structure is in danger of collapsing and destroying life on Earth as we know it.

Alex: Grow up, will you Jennifer?

Mallory and Elyse enter through the front door with grocery bags.

Mallory: Bad news kids, no sweets, no treats, no meats, lots of yogurts, some stuff from Bulgaria.

Elyse: It's not from Bulgaria Mallory. It's Bulgur. It's a fine grain and it's rich in vitamins, minerals and iron.

Alex: It looks like cattle food.

Elyse: Hi Justin.

Justin: Hi.

Elyse: Can you stay for dinner?

Justin: Gee, I wish I could. Maybe some other time.

The phone rings. Elyse answers it.

Elyse: Hello? Mrs. Perkins? Justin your mother isn't here?

Jennifer takes the phone.

Jennifer: Why don't you guys just stop calling ok? Ha ha ha, I saw you two laughing. I Am not. Am not. So are you.

Jennifer hangs up the phone. Elyse looks at her.

Jennifer: Wrong number.

Elyse: I thought so.

Justin: Actually, it's these kids from school. They're making fun of us because Jennifer and I like to play together.

Jennifer: They call me Mrs. Perkins and they say I Know Jennifer's Boyfriend. Stupid heads.

Elyse: I know that kind of teasing can really hurt. How you holding up Justin?

Justin: Frankly I'm above it. I know the other kids find it strange that me and Jennifer are such great friends, but we'd be friends no matter what. The fact that Jennifer is a girl just makes it more exciting to me.

Elyse: You're going to do real well in high school you know.

Mallory: Well, this will cheer you up anyway. I have a terrific idea for your birthday party.

Jennifer: If it's your idea, it's going to involve boys.

Mallory: Of course involves boys. I mean a bunch of girls sitting around isn't a party its a wake.

Elyse: Now where'd you get an attitude like that? I have a great time when I'm just with my women friends.

Mallory: Well, that's different Mom. Your married. It's over for you.

Elyse: Do me a favor and don't tell your father.

Mallory: Anyway, my idea is to have a '50's party. Funny music and funny skirts. You put grease in your hair and you look really silly. It's neato.

Jennifer: I don't know. I never heard of the '50's.

Steven enters the kitchen through the front door.

Steven: Hello. Hi Justin. Great you got Bulgur.

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Mallory: You guys really stick together don't you?

The phone rings. Steven answers it.

Steven: Hello? Mrs. Perkins? Is your mother here Justin?

Jennifer goes and takes the phone.

Jennifer: Just for your information we happen to be above this you baby. Says you. Am not.

Jennifer hangs up the phone and runs out of the kitchen. Justin runs after her.

Steven: I have a feeling I missed something.

Elyse: The other kids have been teasing Jennifer because she plays with Justin.

Alex: Yeah, they've been calling here all afternoon.

Steven: They're just jealous that's all.

Alex: Well you do have to admit though that it is a little unusual. I mean an intersexual relationship at that age.

Steven: Sounds unusual at any age.

The phone rings.

Steven: Let me get it.

Steven picks up the phone.

Steven: Now listen. This is going to have to stop. This is our home and you calling here is childish, it's annoying, and we really don't appreciate the intrusion in our lives. It's your mother.

Elyse takes the phone.

Scene 2:

Kitchen: Elyse is sitting at the desk by the phone. Steven enters through the swinging door.

Steven: Well, Jennifer's feeling a little better.

Elyse: Oh that's good. At least the phone stopped ringing anyway.

Steven: Great.

Elyse: I think it's going to be quite a while before my mother calls again.

Steven: Apparently something good has come out of this. But, it's a little sad. After all that has happened in the last fifteen years or so eliminating sexual stereotypes, approved communication between men and women and still fourth grade boys and girls don't get along very well.

Elyse: I don't know. Did you play with girls when you were ten?

Steven: Of course not. What do I look like a sissy? That was different. That was before Sesame Street. Before consciousness raising. Before Ms. Magazine. What we men like to refer to as the good old days.

Elyse stands up.

Elyse: Is that so?

Steven and Elyse hug.

Steven: Actually no. These are the good days.

They kiss.

Mallory and Jennifer enter the kitchen. Jennifer is carrying a stack of newspapers.

Mallory: Would you guys cut it out? There are young children in the house.

Jennifer: I've seen worse.

Elyse: Why does this bother you so much?

Mallory: Well, you guys are old. It's just not something parents should be doing.

Jennifer: At least those are normal kisses. Unlike when your friends are here.

Mallory: (whispers) Jennifer!

Jennifer: You should see it. They try to bite each other's tongues off.

Mallory: Jennifer!

Mallory: It's called Dutch kissing. I thought I'd barf.

Alex enters the kitchen through the swinging door.

Alex: I'm going out to get a hamburger.

Mallory: I'll come with you.

Steven: Where you going? You just had dinner.

Alex: No, I just had Bulgur, Lindol, and mixed greens. That's only a meal for a heffer or a gerbil.

Mallory: You coming Jen?

Jennifer: No, I got to get these papers wrapped. We're going to recycle them tomorrow.

Steven: What are you going to do with the money you raise?

Jennifer: We're going to donate it to the wildlife preservation fund.

Alex: This is your influence. You realize that I hope.

Steven: I gather you're against recycling?

Alex: It's just interfering with the natural order of things that's all. Look a man goes and he buys something. He keeps it for a while, uses it, he enjoys it and then he gets tired of it, he throws it away and he buys a new one. I mean that's nature.

Steven: Thank you Ranger Rick.

Alex: See ya.

Alex and Mallory leave through the front door. Steven leaves through the swinging door. Jennifer is sitting on the stack of newspapers.

Elyse: So you excited about your birthday?

Jennifer: I guess.

Elyse: Oh come on, I've seen you more excited on the way to the dentist.

Jennifer: Mom, when you were in fourth grade, where there boys?

Elyse: Yeah. Boys were invented when I was in Kindergarten.

Jennifer: They sure make things complicated. Do you think we really need them?

Elyse: Come on boys are ok. What about your Daddy? He was a boy once.

Jennifer: I find that hard to believe.

Elyse: What about Justin? He's a boy and he's awfully nice.

Elyse sits down on the stack of newspapers.

Jennifer: That's two in the whole history of boys.

Elyse: What about Alex?

Jennifer: Give me a break.

Jennifer gets up from the newspapers.

Jennifer: Chrissy says if I'm going to play with Justin all the time she doesn't want to be my friend. That's what Dana and Marie say too.

Elyse gets up from the newspapers.

Elyse: You can't let other people decide who your friends are going to be.

Jennifer: I know it, but I don't want to lose them, and I still want to be Justin's friend too.

Elyse: Well, hang in there. A good friend's hard to find. A good man's even harder.

Elyse hugs Jennifer.

Scene 3:

Livingroom: Steven is on the phone.

Steven: Yeah, those all sound like good choices. Elvis? Right. Chuck Berry? Good, Snooky Lansin. I don't think so. It's nothing against Snooky, it's just that I don't think we need anymore records. He'll perform live? No, let's just go with what we've got. All right. Thanks.

Steven hangs up the phone. Elyse is sitting at the table by the door and Alex and Mallory are sitting on the couch.

Steven: We're all set. The jukebox will have fifty of the biggest hits of the '50's. Earth Angels by the Penguins, Heart Break Hotel Elvis Presley, Twilight Time the Platters, Madeline by Chuck Berry, and if you call now we'll include Eddie My Love by the fabulous Teen Queen.

Elyse gets up from the table.

Elyse: Eddie My Love?!

Elyse and Steven sing Eddie My Love. Alex and Mallory are embarrassed. They stand up after Elyse and Steven finish singeing.

Elyse: I guess you don't want to hear Da Do Run Run, or da do ya?

Jennifer comes in the front door.

Mallory: You're two minutes to late kid, Mom and Dad we're really being silly. You missed it.

Jennifer: I'm sure I'll get another chance.

Mallory goes upstairs.

Elyse: How'd it go at the recycling center?

Jennifer: We unloaded a whole truck full of newspapers and (puts change down on the table) that's what they gave us.

Alex: Seventy-seven cents.

Jennifer: A lot of good seventy-seven cents is going to do the bald eagle. It won't even by him a cheap cap.

Steven: You know I desperately need some loose change. If you would let me take those coins for this dollar bill instead, you'd be doing me a very big favor.

Jennifer: Ok.

Elyse: You know I don't have any one's at all. And if you would give me that one for this five I'd really appreciate it.

Jennifer: Ok.

Alex: I think I can get you your seventy-seven cents back.

Elyse: Hey.

Alex: Just kidding. (To Jennifer): I'll talk to you about it later.

Elyse: Hey, wasn't just coming home with you?

Jennifer: No, they dropped me off.

Jennifer: Didn't you say he was going to be here for dinner?

Jennifer: No. Yes, I mean, I said it, but I didn't.

Elyse: I don't understand.

Jennifer: Ok, here's the story. Justin's history. Yesterday's news. Adios Amigo. Good Night Irene.

Steven: What are you talking about? Justin was your bestfriend this morning.

Jennifer: That was a long time ago, before I knew he was a boy.

Elyse: Oh, I get it.

Steven: Jennifer, this doesn't seem like--

Jennifer: Look, I think I know who my friend's are and he's a boy. He just won't be around anymore ok? Leave me alone!

Jennifer runs upstairs.

Elyse: Score one for peer pressure.

Scene 4:

Livingroom: Mallory comes in the front door carrying a grocery bag. Elyse is sitting at the table and Jennifer is leaning up against the wall by the stairs.

Mallory: Everything's set for the party tomorrow. Records, posters, PEZ. I can't think of anything else we need.

Jennifer: I can think of something we don't need.

Steven: What?

Jennifer: Boys!

Elyse: Now, does this have anything to do with the teasing and the phone calls.

Jennifer: No. I just think we'd have more fun if it there were only girls.

Mallory: When's that line of thinking going to change?

Jennifer sits down at the table.

Elyse: Even if you wanted to, it's too late. All the invitations are out and some of the boys have accepted.

Jennifer: We could move.

Elyse: Jennifer.

The doorbell rings and Jennifer gets up and answers it.

Justin: Hello Jennifer.

Jennifer: Hi Justin. Bye Justin.

Jennifer tries to leave through the front door.

Justin: Wait a minute. I'd like to talk to you.

Jennifer: I can't. I can't talk. I'll see you later. Bye.

Jennifer leaves through the front door.

Scene 5:

Jennifer's bedroom. Jennifer is laying in her bed reading Sports Illustrated For Kids. Elyse comes in.

Elyse: Can we talk?

Jennifer: Sure, but not about how dirty my room is ok?

Elyse: Can we talk about when you're going to clean it up?

Jennifer: There are so many more interesting things to talk about. Don't you think?

Elyse: Don't you think at least some of this should be put away?

Elyse hands Jennifer a stuffed elephant.

Jennifer: Simba and I believe that all animals even stuffed ones should be allowed to roam free.

Elyse: Well, I'm going to talk to her after I finish talking to you. I don't think you wer're very nice to Justin this afternoon. I think you own him an apology.

Jennifer: Ok. I'll apologize because it wasn't very nice, but that doesn't mean I have to be his friend. I have the right to pick my own friends don't I?

Elyse: But, you did pick Justin as your friend and for a really good reason. He's thoughtful. He's sweet. He's--

Jennifer: Don't get carried away ok Mom? He's not Ellen Alda. I don't like being teased. People laughing, pointing fingers, putting signs on my back. A frown return to Justin Perkins.

Elyse: I know that's hard, but you have to learn to stand up to stuff like that. It's particularly important for women to be strong in areas like that.

Jennifer: You're not going to put the pressure of the whole women's movement on me are you?

Elyse: No dear, but I do think it's important for boys and girls to be friends.

Jennifer gets up off of the bed.

Elyse: That way, maybe when they grow up they will know how to be friends as men and women.

Jennifer: That doesn't happen now?

Elyse: Not a lot. Not enough.

Jennifer: How come?

Elyse: There's a lot of role playing going on. Women playing at being cute and helpless. Men playing at being tough and always in control.

Jennifer: That's crazy.

They move off the stuff animals that were on Jennifer's bed. Jennifer gets into bed.

Elyse: But, see that's what we were taught. I remember when I was fifteen and my mother telling me the definition of a young lady. A young lady always says please and thank you. She always laughs at a young man's jokes and a young lady never beats a boy in sports.

Jennifer: Good thing, we don't have any young ladies on our soccer team. This boy/girl stuff is pretty complicated business huh?

Elyse: You ain't seen nothing yet. Wait until you get to be a teenager.

Jennifer: Am I going to be like Mallory and get crazy for clothes and movie stars?

Elyse: I think you're going to be like Jennifer.

Jennifer: What's that?

Elyse: Warm, sweet, funny.

Jennifer: Doesn't sound like any teenager I know.

Elyse: See, you and Justin are friends. You like each other. You have fun together. That's what should matter.

Jennifer: I want to do it Mom. I do, but I don't know if I can.

Elyse: Well, sleep on it.

Elyse gives Jennifer a kiss on the cheek.

Scene 6:

Livingroom: Alex comes down the stairs. He's wearing '50's clothing. He goes and looks at himself in the mirror. He sees Steven. Steven's also dressed up '50's style.

Steven: Hey Fonzie. Can you give me a hand here?

Alex: I don't know how to break it to you Dad, but the last wave left about an hour again.

Alex: I can't believe people actually dressed like this.

Steven: In those days, a jacket like that was a symbol of rebellion. An emblem of an entire generation. It meant you were tough and that you could hold your own in a rumble.

Alex: You have one like this?

Steven: No, my mother wouldn't let me.

Elyse enters the livingroom from the kitchen.

Steven: Am I dreaming or did Sandra Dee just walk in?

Elyse; Moon Doggy! Is that you?

Steven: Surfs up!

Alex is sitting at the table.

Alex: I hope you two get this out of your system before the guests arrive.

Elyse: Where's the birthday girl?

Steven: She's upstairs. Mallory's putting the final touches on her.

Elyse: She better hurry because they'll be.here any minute.

Steven: Everything's all set.

Elyse walks over to the jukebox.

Elyse: Ain't this a beauty?

Steven walks over to where Elyse is.

Steven: This is exactly like the one they had at the Paradise Hotel in Atlantic City when I worked there in 1959.

Elyse: 1959. That was a great summer.

Steven: Yeah, hey wait a minute, I didn't know you in 1959.

Elyse: It would have been a better summer if I had known you.

Steven: Better than great?

Elyse and Steven start to dance to the music.

Jennifer and Mallory come running down the stairs.

Mallory: Jennifer! You can't go out with only one lip done.

Jennifer: I don't like it. It feels like I've got jelly on me.

Mallory: Well, you're supposed to look '50's not punk.

Jennifer: Ok.

Mallory puts lipstick on Jennifer. The door bell rings.

Steven: All right, all right.

Elyse: Come on.

Steven: You have time.

Alex answers the door. There are a group of kids outside.

Alex: Can I see your invitations please?

Elyse: Alex!

Alex: I don't know these guys. They could be crashers.

Steven; Come on in.

Elyse: Come on in guys. Welcome to the 1950's.

The kids come inside.

Elyse: Hope you have as much fun as I did.

Steven; All right. You guys look great. All right fantastic.

The boys go to one side of the livingrom and the girls go to the other side.

Steven: Hey ladies. How are you? I think I detect a trend here.

Elyse: Jennifer.

Steven: Fellas. I have an idea. How about we saunter over there to the other side of the room and meet some of your friends. Come on, come on, you all know each other. You're in the same class. Right? This is fantastic.

The boys head to the other side of the room as the girls head to the other side of the room.

Elyse: It's going to be a long night.

Alex talks to the boys and Mallory talks to the girls.

Alex goes over to Elyse and Steven and so does Mallory.

Alex: Well, eight out of the ten boys I interviewed will dance with a girl if asked. Nine out of ten of them think we should give Reaganomics a chance.

Elyse: Alex!

Alex: You know, I was just thinking, it's interesting. There more politically then socially.

Steven: Can you get them to dance or can't you?

Alex: Maybe, but no of them is going to be the first one out there.

Mallory: Of the girls I polled, they're willing to dance with boys, if asked, and if the boy's taller.

Elyse: The Salt Talks couldn't of been this complicated.

Alex: I bet they were a lot more fun. Lets face it. This party is dying.

Jennifer: Well, Mommy, I hope you're satisfied!

Elyse: Don't get sarcastic with me Jennifer. I don't like that.

Jennifer: Tough!

Elyse: I don't talk that way to you. if something's bothering you just come right out and tell me what it is.

Jennifer: Ok! You ruined my party by inviting the boys here!

Steven: Jennifer, that's not fair.

Jennifer: You always take her side don't you Daddy? It's gain up on the kid time again huh?

Jennifer goes and sits down on the couch. Elyse goes and sits by her.

Elyse: Now Jennifer I know you're upset with me right now and to tell you the truth I'm not all that thrilled with you. But if there's going to be a way out of this tonight, it's going to come from you.

Jennifer: How?

Elyse: I think you should ask Justin to dance.

Jennifer; Be serious!

Elyse: I am and I think there are a lot of kids here who would be very happy if someone else makes the first move.

Jennifer: I'm afraid to Mom.

Steven: What are you afraid of?

Jennifer: People laugh.

Elyse: I won't.

Steven: I won't.

Mallory: I won't.

Alex: I might.

Elyse, Steven, Mallory, and Jennifer look at Alex.

Alex: Just being honest.

Elyse: Lets say that's the worst thing that happens. People will laugh. The best thing that's gonna happen is that you'll dance with Justin, the other kids will dance and you'll wind up having a terrific party.

Jennifer: I want to Mom. I really do, but I don't know if I have the guts.

Elyse gets up and goes over and puts a song on.

Elyse: All right everybody. This next one's going to be a lady's choice.

The kids all groan. Jennifer gets up and walks over to Justin as the girls and boys look on.

Jennifer: Will you dance with me Justin?

Justin: I thought you'd never ask.

Jennifer and Justin start to dance. The other kids pick partners and start dancing.

Steven: Wanna dance?

Elyse: It's lady's choice.

Steven: I'm cool.

Elyse: Care to dance sailor?

Elyse and Steven start dancing. Mallory looks over at Alex.

Alex: Oh what the hell.

Alex and Mallory start to dance.

Elyse and Steven and Jennifer and Justin are dancing close together.

Elyse: Happy birthday.

The End.

Oops

Scene 1:
Livingroom: Alex, Steven, Elyse and Jennifer are present.

Alex comes down the stairs. Steven is sitting at the table by the front door.

Alex: I'm going to need the car tomorrow might. I have a meeting of Youth For A Sane Economy.

Steven: Still working on that miss a payment go to prison registry?

Alex: Debt happens to be a serious problem in this country Dad.

Steven: It's a serious problem in this home according to this bank statement. Elyse I'm not sure about something here.

Steven gets up from the table. Elyse is sitting on the couch.

Elyse: What's that?

Steven: Unless I'm mistaken you gave fifty dollars to the M.A.F.I.A last month.

Elyse: What? Oh, no that's Mother's Against Fluorocarbons In the Atmosphere. I think.

Steven; You think?

Elyse: I'm sure, but just in case, if a guy named Fast Eddie calls hang up.

Mallory comes into the livingroom from the kitchen.

Mallory: I'll get it.

Steven: Get what?

Mallory: Wasn't that the doorbell?

Elyse: I didn't hear anything.

Mallory: Well, I'm expecting Cindy to come over and I have to know the minute she gets here because we're going to study and we don't want to be disturbed.

Alex: We'll try and resist.

Mallory goes upstairs. Alex opens up the newspaper and starts reading it as he walks. Jennifer who's reading a book walks into Alex.

Alex: Jennifer, don't read while your walking.

Steven: Well, it's nice to see someone reading a good old fashioned book around here. What do you got? Charlotte's Web? Winnie The Pooh? Treasure Island?

Jennifer: Our Bodies Ourselves.

Jennifer is sitting on the couch next to Elyse.

Alex: What's a book like that doing in this house?

Elyse: Now there's nothing wrong with this Alex. It's just a heath and sex manual for women.

Alex: It just doesn't seem right. A bunch of women writing about stuff that should only be discussed in a men's locker room.

Jennifer: Light up Alex.

Mallory comes downstairs.

Mallory: What are you doing with that book?

Jennifer: I don't see a book. (She hides the book)

Jennifer: You came into my room when I wasn't there and you started snooping around and you took it off my desk!

Jennifer: I didn't take it off your desk. I got it from your top drawer under your diary.

Elyse: Jennifer, you know better than to go into your sister's desk.

Jennifer: I know. I'm sorry, but I needed the book. I had a question about jogging bras.

Steven gets up from the table.

Steven: Our Bodies Ourselves? Why are you reading that Mal?

Mallory: Well, Dad, Cindy and I are studying it tonight for health class.

Elyse: (reading): Pregnancy and childbirth? Just last week you were studying dental care.

Mallory: It's an honors class, we move fast.

The doorbell rings. Mallory answers it.

Cindy: Mallory.

Steven: Hi Cindy.

Elyse: Hi.

Cindy: We have to talk.

Cindy and Mallory go upstairs.

Jennifer: Maybe Cindy has dental problems.

Scene 2:

Mallory's room: Mallory and Cindy are present.

Mallory: So what are the test results?

Cindy: I'm pregnant.

Mallory: Wow, pregnant. I can't believe it. It just doesn't seem possible.

Cindy: The woman at the clinic said she wished she had a nickel for every time she heard that. I don't know what to do Mal. I'm scared.

Mallory: Well, what did the doctor say?

Cindy: You have Blue Cross. I'm not sure I'm ready to be a mother. I mean you have to change diapers, You have to pretend to be the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. You have to teach them to drive. You have to plan their wedding.

Mallory: Cindy, I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself.

Cindy: Can you imagine Frank Burros as somebody's father? I mean this is the same guy who took the wet paint signs off the bleachers and hid the hamster in the teacher's desk.

Mallory: Maybe he's matured since then.

Cindy: I don't think so. The hamster thing was last week.

Mallory: So what are you going to tell your mother?

Cindy: Nothing. I just decided I'm going to keep a low profile for the next nine months.

Mallory: Good luck.

Cindy: Come on, I can't talk to her. You know how my mother is. Oh, I wish she were more like your Mom.

Mallory: Well, do you want to talk to my Mom about it?

Cindy: Maybe. Do you think she'd help?

Mallory: Couldn't hurt to try.

Cindy: Ok.

Mallory: Mom, could you come up here for a second please? Help Cindy and me move some furniture?

Steven: Want me to help?

Mallory: No. This is pretty heavy stuff.

Cindy: I just can't go home. If my Mom finds out about this she'll kill me.

Mallory: Don't worry. You can stay here if you have to.

Elyse enters Mallory's room.

Elyse: What's going on?

Mallory: Mom, Cindy needs to talk to you.

Elyse: What is it Cindy?

Cindy: I don't know how to say this.

Mallory: She's pregnant.

Cindy: That's it.

Elyse: Oh Cindy I'm so sorry. Are you sure?

Cindy: I'm positive and so is the test. Mrs. Keaton, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Elyse: Oh honey, you must be so scared.

Elyse sits down on Mallory's bed next to Cindy.

Elyse: Can I help?

Cindy: I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know whether or not to have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption, or keep it. Maybe I just should die my hair, change my name, move to Kansas and bring it up as my kid sister.

Elyse: What do your parents say?

Cindy gets up from the bed.

Cindy: Well there's really just my Mom and I haven't told her yet. I just can't face her right now.

Mallory: Well your welcome to stay here tonight.

Cindy: I don't know if I can face her tomorrow.

Mallory: Well you can stay here as long as you want. My Mom and I would love to help you. Right Mom?

Elyse gets up from the bed.

Elyse: Well, we'd love to help you honey, but I don't think staying here will solve your problems. I think you should talk to your mother.

Cindy: Are you kidding? You don't know my mother. She doesn't even let me read Cosmopolitan.

Mallory: Yeah, she can't talk to her. You know how mothers are like.

Elyse: Yes, I've heard. Look honey, this problem is too big for you to tackle on your own. I really think you should go home.

Cindy: I'd still rather stay here for eight or nine years.

Mallory: Mom, she can't go home.

Elyse: I know it's not going to be easy, but she's gotta do it. If it were you I'd wanna know about it.

Mallory: But, Mom--

Cindy: Ok, I'll try it your way, but my Mom's unreasonable. I mean she got upset when she found out the prom was coed.

Scene 3:

Kitchen: Mallory is sitting at the kitchen table in her bathrobe eating. Elyse and Steven enter the kitchen.

Elyse: I thought I heard someone down here. What are you doing up Mallory?

Mallory: I can't sleep. I'm too worried about Cindy. I just came down for a little snack.

Steven: A turkey sandwich, ice cream, chocolate cake. Some countries don't eat that much.

Mallory: Ok, I over did it, but I'm worried about Cindy, and when I worry I eat.

Mallory gets up from the table.

Elyse: Of course your worried about her. Cindy and her Mom are going through a tough time, but they'll work it out.

Mallory: I don't know.

Steven: Why don't you go upstairs and get some sleep? I'm sure you'll hear all about it from Cindy in the morning.

Elyse: Goodnight honey.

Mallory: Goodnight.

Mallory goes over to the table and picks up some food.

Mallory: It's for energy. It's a long walk upstairs.

Mallory exits through the swinging door.

Steven: I can't believe this thing with Cindy. I mean I still think of her as a little girl who used to play with Mallory.

Elyse: She's not a little girl anymore.

Steven: I know, and neither is Mallory. She's the same age as Cindy.

Elyse: Yeah.

Steven sits down at the kitchen table.

Steven: They're in the same class. They're in the same crowd. I'm worried about her.

Elyse: Look Cindy and Mallory are two different people.

Steven: Ok. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I don't think Mallory should be allowed out of the house until she's thirty-five.

Elyse: Steven!

Steven: Look, in the '60's when all the changes were coming about. The new honesty between men and women. A healthy open attitude toward sex. I thought they were positive. I still believe that, but now that i Have a fifteen year old daughter some of those beliefs are--

Elyse: Out the window?

Steven: On the ledge.

Elyse: Well, you wouldn't want things to go back to the way they were when we were kids would you? It was terrible. Boys trying to get reputations, girls trying not to get reputations. Just who were the boys getting reputations with?

Steven: At my school it was Betsy Hogan.

Elyse: I heard of her.

Steven: Ok. All right, things weren't fair back then, but at least there were guidelines.

Elyse: We were ignorant and scared. Don't you think that it's a good thing that kids know more about sex today?

Elyse sits down at the table with a tea pot and pours them tea. Steven is eating chocolate cake.

Steven: Sure, I want Mallory to know more, I just don't want her to do more.

Elyse: We have a great relationship with Mallory. All we have to do is keep the lines of communication open

Mallory comes back into the kitchen through the swinging door.

Mallory: I still can't sleep.

Elyse: You've been gone a minute. Did you try?

Mallory: I didn't actually get into bed.

Steven: Sometimes that will help.

Mallory: I'm just too worried about Cindy.

Mallory eats some of the chocolate cake.

Steven: Are you sure you're not just hungry

Mallory: Positive. I think I'll call her.

Steven: Mallory, it's pretty late to call.

Elyse: Actually, I'm pretty sure they're not getting much sleep over there either. Why don't you go ahead Mal?

Mallory picks up the phone and dials.

Mallory: Hello Mrs. Sullivan? Hi this is Mallory. I'm sorry to call you so late, but can I please talk to Cindy? What? No, I don't. Of course I will. Goodbye.

Elyse: What's wrong?

Mallory: Everything. Cindy and her Mom got into a fight and she ran out of the house. She's been gone for hours and her Mom doesn't know where she is.

Elyse: That's terrible.

Mallory: Of course it's terrible, it's all your fault.

Elyse: My fault?

Steven: Wait a minute, don't blame your Mother.

Mallory: Why not?! She's the one who suggested Cindy go talk to her Mom. We told you her Mother wouldn't understand. If you hadn't butted in like that, we might know where Cindy is right now.

Elyse gets up from the table.

Elyse: I didn't but in. Cindy asked me to help and I only did what I knew to be right.

Mallory: Oh you huh? Did you listen when we said she couldn't talk to her Mother?

No. Did you let her stay here? No. Well, I'll tell you one thing, when I grow up and have kids, I won't act like a mother.

Mallory runs out of the kitchen.

Scene 4:

Kitchen: Alex is talking on the phone.
Mallory, Elyse and Steven are also present.


Alex: About 5'3". Yeah that could be her. No, I don't think she'd be wearing a mask and flippers. No, thanks anyway. Goodbye.

Alex hangs up the phone. Mallory is sitting on the counter.

Alex: Well, she's not at the library.

Mallory marks through writing on a piece of paper.

Alex: Let's see we tried the YWCA, the airport, we've tried the bus depo. I guess there's nothing left but the old run down bars and nightclubs.

Elyse and Steven are sitting at the kitchen table.

Alex: Well, that's where girls like Cindy wind up don't they? Smiling they're painted smiles, swaying to the sound of honky tonk piano while some Joe pours out his life story over a cup of cheap whiskey.

Steven: That's it. No more late movies for you.

Mallory walks over to the table. Steven gets up from the table and walks over to the sink.

Mallory: Just a minute Alex, what do you mean girls like Cindy. She happens to be a very nice girl. She comes over here for a little advice and support and now she's missing through no fault of her own.

Elyse: Look, Mallory, I know you blame me for this, but can't you see that she had to tell her Mother?

Mallory is sitting at the table.

Mallory: Well, fine, but couldn't she have told her gradually?

Elyse: Gradually?

Mallory: Yeah, like start out with something like, Mom I met a boy.

Jennifer enters the kitchen through the swinging door.

Jennifer: Daddy, can I go to the movies with Chrissy? They're showing an old movie at the Village. I think it's called Bye Bye Birdie.

Steven: Well, you went to the movies the other night.

Jennifer: Please Daddy, I love little birdies.

Steven: I don't think you should go.

Elyse, Alex and Mallory are eating.

Elyse: I just don't think a girl should try to hide her pregnancy from her mother.

Alex: Wait, wait a minute, can we not discuss this at the kitchen? I mean sex is not something you should talk about in front of a wholesome breakfast.

Elyse: Alex, I find your attitude a little disturbing. I mean your Father and I don't want you or your sisters to feel that you can't talk to us honestly and openly about sex to us.

Jennifer: (smiles) Oh boy.

Steven: So Jennifer, you don't want to miss that movie. You need some popcorn money?

Jennifer: I'd rather stay here and talk openly and honestly about sex.

Steven: Popcorn, bon bons, chocolate bars.

Jennifer: Throw in the ju ju b's and I'm gout the door.

Steven: You got it.

Steven hands Jennifer money. Jennifer exits through the swinging door.

Alex gets up from the table.

Alex: I just don't know what your making such a big deal about? Sex is a biological process brought on by emotional urges. Sex is nothing to get excited about. I mean sex is nothing special.

Mallory gets up from the table.

Mallory: Yeah Alex, if it's nothing special why do you keep hiding Playboy behind your copies of Business Week?

Alex: I don't hide them. I keep them alphabetically and Business Week comes before Playboy.

Mallory: I can't just sit around and worry about Cindy anymore.

Elyse: Lets go look for her.

Elyse and Steven get up from the table.

Elyse: Maybe she's at the park or maybe she's at the playground.

Steven: Lets get our coats and go. Alex stay here in case she calls

Alex: Got it.

Steven, Elyse and Mallory exit through the swinging door.

Alex goes to the phone and dials.

Alex: Hello, Sgt. Samuels? Yeah, this is Alex P. Keaton. You probably remember me. I was junior mayor for a week. I don't know. I thought metermaids on horseback was a good idea. We'll get taller meters. Anyway, I'm looking for a fifteen year old girl. That's very funny.

Cindy enters the kitchen through the backdoor.

Alex: Nevermind. I think I know where to find her.

Alex hangs up the phone.

Alex: Hi Cindy.

Cindy: Hi.

Alex: Excuse me for a minute.

Alex walks over the swinging door

Alex: Hey! She's here.

Alex: So what's new?

Mallory, Elyse and Steven enter the kitchen through the swinging door.

Mallory: Cindy! Are you ok?

Cindy: Yeah. I'm ok. I'm still pregnant, but other than that I'm fine.

Elyse: We've called all over town looking for you.

Cindy, Mallory and Elyse sit down at the kitchen table.

Mallory: Where have you been anyway?

Cindy: I walked around the mall. I sat through Annie two and half times. I ended up in the pin ball arcade.

Steven: Your Mother's very worried Cindy. I think you should call her.

Cindy: Why should I call her? All she'll do is yell.

Elyse: You don't know that. Look, you can't blame her for being angry and upset when you told her, but she's had a chance to think about it.

Cindy: Yeah, and time to get even madder.

Elyse: And time to calm down too. Look, I think the two of you need another chance. Don't you?

Cindy: I'm not sure. But, I know I can't face her alone.

Elyse: Well, if it will help, I mean if it will make it any easier you can ask her to come over here.

Cindy: Will you and Mallory be here with me?

Mallory: Sure.

Alex: Dad and I will be here too. Of course we're flexible on this point.

Scene 6:

Livingroom: Mallory and Cindy are present. Mallory is sitting on the couch Cindy is pacing and Elyse enters from the kitchen with something to drink.

Elyse: Cindy, does your Mom drink coffee?

Cindy: Yeah, I guess.

Mallory: Maybe that will make her too nervous. Does she drink tea?

Cindy: I think she likes herb tea. Do you guys have any?

Mallory: Are you kidding? What's her favorite herb?

Cindy: Better wait and ask her when she gets here.

Elyse: Honey, just sit down and relax.

Cindy: I can't. I just know the minute she walks in here she's going to say, Cindy how could you do this to me?

Elyse: Give her a chance ok?

The doorbell rings.

Cindy: Don't answer that!

Mallory stands up from the couch. Elyse answers the door.

Elyse: Hi, I'm Elyse Keaton.

Mrs. Sullivan: Lynn Sullivan.

They shake hands.

Elyse: Please come in. I'm sorry we couldn't meet under better circumstances.

Mrs. Sullivan: Hello Mallory. Cindy, I'm so glad you're all right. How could you do this to me? Cindy, we're going home.

Cindy: No, Mom. You said on the phone that you were going to come over here and we we're going to talk.

Mrs. Sullivan: All right, we'll talk.

Elyse: Please, sit down, make yourself at home.

Cindy and her Mom sit on the couch. Elyse sits on a chair and Mallory stands behind her.

Mallory: So, Mrs. Sullivan, what's your favorite herb?

Elyse: Would you like some herbal tea?

Mrs. Sullivan: No, thank you. We won't be staying long. I've said everything I need to say to my daughter. She's already said she's pregnant and now it's my problem right?

Elyse: Well, actually I think it's both of yours.

Mrs. Sullivan: How long has she been going out with this boy anyway?

Elyse: I don't know.

Cindy: Mom, why don't you ask me how long I've been going out with him.

Mrs. Sullivan: Apparently, one night too long.

Cindy: You see what I mean Mrs. Keaton? Were not getting anywhere here. She's not listening to me.

Cindy stands up from the couch.

Mrs. Sullivan: Can you talk to your daughter?

Elyse: Well, we try, we have our occasional differences.

Mallory: But, we talk, you know, we try to get things out in the open.

Mrs. Sullivan: Well, Cindy's problem is out in the open that's for sure, but that doesn't solve anything. It doesn't change the fact that she's pregnant and that she's made a mess out of her life.

Cindy: Oh thanks a lot Mom. So what you're saying is that because I made this mistake I've ruined everything? I have no hope, no future, my life is over?

Jennifer comes in the front door.

Jennifer: (singing): Cloudy skies are going to clear up put on a happy face.

Elyse, Mallory, Mrs. Sullivan, and Cindy all look at Jennifer.

Jennifer: Is that the best you guys can do?

Elyse gets up from the chairs.

Elyse: Look Jen, I don't think this the time for show tunes.

Jennifer: Let me go out on a limb here. You don't want me here right?

Elyse: Well--

Jennifer: I'm going to my room. I'll be down when I'm eighteen.

Jennifer goes upstairs. Mallory sits down on the chair. Elyse stands behind her. Cindy sits down on the couch.

Elyse: Ok, lets go back. Where were we?

Cindy: My Mother just said I had no future and that my life was over.

Elyse: Well, maybe we could go back to before you all were yelling at each other.

Cindy: We'd have to go back to when I was in third grade.

Mrs. Sullivan: Oh, I wish we could. At least then things were under control. I knew what you were doing, where you were and who you were with.

Cindy: Well, I'm not a little girl anymore Mom. I have to have my own life. I can't deal with you hanging over my shoulder every second trying to control everything that I do.

Cindy and Mrs. Sullivan stand up.

Mrs. Sullivan: Well, look what happens when I don't.

Cindy: Ok, Well, maybe I made a mistake, but if you had just a little more faith in me and stop treating me like such a little girl, I wouldn't have been in such a big hurry to grow up!

Mrs. Sullivan: Cindy, I just wanted to make things better for you.

Cindy: What are you talking about Mom?

Mrs. Sullivan: Well, when I was kid I made all the wrong decisions.

Cindy: Really?

Mrs. Sullivan: Yeah, I don't think I spent more than two nights in a row at home. I wouldn't talk to my parents. I thought I knew everything. I got into a lot of trouble. My life was a mess. That's what I was trying to protect you from. I just didn't want you to go through what I went through.

Cindy: Well, I'm going through it now Mom and I need you. I need you to listen to me and I need you to help me.

Mrs. Sullivan: I'll try.

Mrs. Sullivan and Cindy hug.

Mrs. Sullivan: Come on Cindy. Lets go home. We have a lot of talking to do and decisions to make. Thank you for everything.

Elyse opens the door for Cindy and her Mom and they leave. Elyse closes the door.

Elyse: How do you think Cindy's going to do?

Mallory: I don't know. At least she won't be spending anymore nights playing pin ball.

Mallory: Mom.

Elyse: Yeah?

Mallory: I'm really sorry about the way I blew up at you last night.

Elyse: That's ok, you were upset and you had to let it out at someone and I think I was just in the direct line of fire.

Mallory: That's what Mom's are for right?

Elyse: Only sometimes. Look, this whole thing with Cindy has been so painful and difficult. I so don't want what happened to Cindy and her Mother to happen to us. So, I want you to know that you can always come to me and I'll try to be flexible and understand your point of view.

Mallory: Can I have my own apartment?

Elyse: Not on your life.

Scene 7:

Kitchen: Mallory and Jennifer are present. They are looking at the book Our Bodies Ourselves.

Mallory: Well, you get taller and your hips get bigger and you suddenly become much more interested in boys.

Jennifer: So, that's all there is to puberty huh?

Mallory: Well, I condensed the chapter a bit for you, but that's basically the way it goes.

Alex enters the kitchen through the swinging door.

Alex: Don't you two have anything better to do than read that stuff.

Mallory: You know Alex, I think you could learn a lot from this book.

Alex: Ha!

Jennifer: Mallory, will you show me some of your halter tops. I don't want to be caught unprepared.

Jennifer and Mallory get up from the table and exit the kitchen through the swinging door. Alex flips through the book and reads a page.

Alex: So that's how that works.

The End.

“Walking on Air”
(Opening Credits)
Scene 1 – (Jennifer and Andy are seen going through the shopping bags)
(Andy pulls out a cereal Box)

Andy – I got it.

Jennifer – Quick, open it before mom gets here.

(They start tearing open the cereal box)
(Elyse enters through swinging door)

Elyse – Hey, Hey, what’s going on here?

Andy – Jennifer opened the cereal, I couldn’t stop her.

Elyse – N-Now there’s a perfectly good box of cereal in there, why do you have to open a new one?

Jennifer – To find the clue.

Elyse – What clue?

Jennifer – The clue to the “Find Colonel Crackle” contest.

Elyse – I-I don’t care about that. This is food, you just don’t waste it…what contest.

Jennifer – Mum Colonel Crackle is lost somewhere in Ohio and in every box there’s a different clue to his whereabouts. If you find him, you call the Crackle hotline and win five thousand dollars.

Elyse - …Let me see that.

(They all start fighting over the cereal box)
(Alex enters through Kitchen door)

Alex – Hey, Hey, Mom, mom, Mom!

(They all stop and look at Alex)

Alex – Don’t you think you’re a little old to be fighting over a prize in a cereal box?

Elyse – Colonel Crackle is having a contest (eats some cereal) its kinda fun.

Alex – (while getting something out of the fridge) Mom, remember who you’re talking to. I’m twenty-one years old, I’m a senior in college, I couldn’t care less about some cereal contest.

Andy – You can win five thousand dollars.

(Alex leaps over kitchen bench)
(They all start fighting over the cereal box)

Elyse – Hey, Hey, enough! (Everyone stops and looks at Elyse) now how’s this for a solution? We can all help find Colonel Crackle and then when we do find him, we’ll share the prize.

Alex – Wh-Mom you mean we got to split it four ways?

Elyse – Look pal, we only had to split it three ways till you came through the door.

(Jennifer and Andy look at him)

Alex – Alright, Alright okay, we’ll split it four ways but that’s it alright. We don’t tell anyone else about this.

(Mallory enters through pantry area)

Mallory – Hey what’s going on?

(Alex hides cereal box behind his back)

Alex – Oh nothing Mal, nothing at all, nothing at all… (points to her jumper) Hey, what’s new in the world of knitwear?

(Steven enters through Kitchen door)

Steven – Hey

Jennifer – Hey dad have you heard that Colonel Crackle is missing?

Steven – I never really got a chance to say goodbye.

Alex – Hey dad, you have no respect for Colonel Crackle at all? A-A Colonel that meats one-hundred percent of the minimum daily requirements of vitamins A through E? A Colonel that remains crunchy, even in Milk.

Steven – Exciting as that may be, I have some news from the non-cereal world that may interest you. There’s a job opening up at the station.

(Alex looks up slowly)
Alex – Oh Dad, I’m so happy. (Hugs Steven) You’re leaving public television! Oh this is a wise, wise decision.

Steven – Alex it’s not my job that’s opening.

(Alex Sighs)
Alex – (stops hugging Steven) Why do you tease me like that?

Steven – It’s an intern position, an opportunity for the right young person to work at the station and really learn the ropes.

Elyse – Well that sounds great Steven, do you have anyone in mind for the job?

Steven – As a matter of fact I do. Mallory

(Mallory drops plastic sandwich wrap she was blowing on)

Mallory – What!?

(Picks up plastic sandwich wrap)

Mallory – What did I do?

Steven – (Alex is making big hand gestures behind him which obviously mean say no) Well I think it’s a great idea, Alex worked at the station he loved it, (turns around while Alex is in the middle of a gesture) didn’t you?

Alex-…Absolutely. The finest experience I have ever had. I highly recommend it.

(Steven turns around to face Mallory again and Alex continues making “say no” gestures)

Steven – See?

(Mallory looks confused)

Scene 2 – (Nightime. Kitchen, Alex is walking around, Jennifer and Andy are sitting at the table, and cereal boxes are everywhere)

Alex – Alright, We know Crackle is out there. We know he’s somewhere in the down town Cleveland area. The question is where. Damn! Alright Jen, read that, read that last clue again.

Jennifer – “At two p.m. last Saturday, Colonel Crackle was seen in a Cleveland Café with his Cereal sister Molly Oats ‘n’ Fibre. Molly ate four containers of Strawberry yoghurt and handed Colonel Crackle a key. He fled.” This tells us nothing.

Alex – No Jen. No, No, this tells us a lot. This tells us that Crackle has a sister and that she’s health conscious.

Andy – Is Colonel Crackle a real person?

Alex – Well, Uh, not exactly Andy.

Andy – Then how’re we supposed to find him if he doesn’t exist?

Alex – Let’s not get philosophical here.

(Mallory enters through swinging door)

Mallory – Dad’s not in here is he?

Jennifer – No, he’s upstairs. I can go and get him for you –

Mallory – No! No, No. If I see him, he’s going to try and bring up that PBS thing again. He won’t take no for an answer. (Opens fridge) He’s been going at it for hours. (Grabs mayonnaise out of fridge) I haven’t even had a chance to eat yet, I’m starving.

Steven – Elyse (Mallory ducks down and rushes out the kitchen door, mayonnaise still in hand) (Steven and Elyse enter through pantry area) This is a chance Mallory shouldn’t miss, every time an opportunity like this comes up she qui- Oh come on, you guys are really making a mess with this Crackle business.

Jennifer – Come on guys, let’s go upstairs and check out the Crackle map.

Elyse – Yeah, it’s in my room.

(Steven looks at Elyse and Elyse realizes what she just said)

Alex – (Picking up boxes) Alright, let’s call Skippy. We’ll find out how he’s doing with Crackle’s dental records and his hair analysis.

(Alex, Jennifer and Andy leave. Elyse and Steven remain, Mallory is still outside door)

Steven – Elyse, I really think Mallory could benefit by working down at the station with me.

Elyse – I don’t know Steven, I was surprised you even offered her the job. I would think it was the last place she’d want to work.

Steven – Elyse I’m not blind. I realize there could be some problems with having Mallory work at the station, but I think its worth the risk (opens fridge) uh, where’s the mayonnaise?

(Mallory stands up holding Mayonnaise, looks inside then squats back down again)

Elyse – It’s in there.

Steven – (continues talking, also continues looking through the fridge) Now I realize this job doesn’t fall into what we’d normally call her area, but how do we really know what her area is? She’s at an age where she can go in a lot of different directions. Uh, I just think this could be an opportunity to grow. Where IS the mayonnaise?

(Mallory stands up again, holding mayonnaise and looking frustrated. She looks around and squats back down.)

Elyse – Well I think we have to look at it from her point of view. You know we’ve had this discussion before. Fashion is what she loves.

Steven – She may be unsure now, but uh, I think she’ll learn a lot fro this experience. M-Maybe I’m wrong but I think I have a very good sense of where Mallory is at.

(Mallory stands up and quickly looks inside. She squats back down behind door.)

Steven – What I don’t know is where the mayonnaise is.

Elyse – Ah, I’ll get another one.

(Elyse goes into pantry. Mallory sneaks back into kitchen through door and comes face to face with Elyse, who just got a jar of mayonnaise out of the pantry.)

Mallory – Mom, look! We both have mayonnaise. Dad where’s your jar.

Steven – Mallory, where did you come from?

Mallory – I came from outside. Somebody must have left this in the driveway. (Puts mayonnaise on bench) Well, there it is. Enjoy, I’ll be in my room. (Walks towards swinging door)

Steven – Wait a minute. We never finished our conversation.

Mallory – Really? I thought we had.

Elyse – Uh, I‘ll leave you two alone.

(Elyse exits through pantry area)

Steven – So, um, Mal have you given anymore thought to working at the station.

Mallory – I have dad.

Steven – And?

Mallory – I just don’t know dad.

Steven – I don’t want to pressure you at all. Whatever you decide will be fine with me.

Mallory – I just don’t know dad.

Steven – Why don’t you come down to the station for a day? Just give it a try?

Mallory – I don’t know dad.

Steven – It’s a wonderful opportunity Mal. This thing could open up a WHOLE new world for you.

Mallory – I don’t know dad.

Steven – And I’d be so proud to have you there with me. I just think you’d be terrific at this.

Mallory – I don’t know dad.

Steven – Great! (Kisses her on the cheek) Oh Mal this is going to be fabulous!

(Steven exits through swinging door.)

Mallory – I don’t know dad.

Scene 3 – (WKS station. Mallory is on the phone)

Mallory – Well ma’am according to our records you pledged one-hundred and fifty dollars during our last pledge drive (Gus enters) and we haven’t received it yet… Well, could you tell us when it might be coming?...Well then your not going to get your tote bag. (Hangs up)

Gus – Don’t worry about it Mallory. I mean, over the years we’ve found that over twenty percent of our so called patrons, just plain liars. We were running out of tote bags anyhow.

(Mallory smiles and puts her foot on the desk to tie her shoe.)

Gus – So how’s it going?

Mallory – I don’t know Gus. I mean to tell you the truth part of me is really bored being here and part of me thinks it’s a mistake and part of me is determined to do the best job I can do and well, part of me just wants to go shopping.

(Gus Chuckles)
(Steven enters)

Steven – Now there’s a beautiful sight. My oldest daughter, with her shoes on my lunch.

Mallory – Sorry dad. (Takes foot off desk)

Steven – No, no, I don’t mind a bit. It’s great to walk into my office and see your smiling face. (Kisses her on the forehead.)

Gus – Oh well what about my smiling face Steve?

Steven – Don’t you start competing with Mallory now Gus. You’re beautiful in your own way.

Gus – Aw. Keep up the good work now Mal.

Steven – “Good Work” I like the sound of that. You know he doesn’t say that to everybody.

Gus – Good work Steve.

(Gus leaves)

Steven – (To Mallory) so how’s it going? Are you enjoying yourself? Is it everything you hoped it would be?

Mallory – Well I got to talk on the phone a little. I like that.

Steven – Mallory my two greatest loves are my family and my work here at the station. Having you here brings those two worlds together. I couldn’t be happier. (Kisses her on the forehead)

Mallory – I’m Glad.

Steven – Hey come here, I got a surprise for you. Something that will make you happy and very excited.

Mallory – I don’t have to work here anymore?

(Steven starts to laugh and Mallory just smiles)

Steven – Look, look, I know you’re not completely sold on this yet, but I also know that when you’re faced with a challenge, you accept it, you can do it. You rise to the occasion.

Mallory – (smiling) not always.

Steven – (smiling) Most of the time.

Mallory – (smiling) not now.

Steven – I’ve come up with a special assignment for you. I think you’re really going to like it.

Mallory – Is it about fashion? Because I can do a great job if it’s about fashion.

Steven – Oh no, no, you already know everything about fashion. I think it’s time for you to uh, branch out and really try something different.

Mallory – Beauty tips?

Steven – No. You’re going to work with me.

(Mallory makes a funny noise)

Steven – Yeah, I want you to write some copy for a short segment of “Ohio in Review”. It’s a show about what’s going on in Ohio, from political news to human interest stories.

Mallory – I’m flattered dad, but I’ve never even seen the show.

Steven – What are you talking about? We watch it all the time. It’s on Sundays at four after “Animals, animals, everywhere animals”.

Mallory – Oh, “Ohio in Review”. I love that show.

Steven – We’re going to work on it together. You behind the scenes, me on camera. “Keatons, Keatons, everywhere Keatons”.

Scene 4 – (Living room, There is a floor – ceiling, wheelie map of Ohio in front of the fire place, Alex has a pointer stick and is pointing to the map, Jennifer and Andy are on the couch)

Alex – Alright now, (Elyse walks in from the Kitchen and goes to the table near the font door and starts working) these dots trace the Colonel’s path since he was discovered missing.

Jennifer – Can we end this soon Alex; I have a life to lead.

Alex – This is a little more important than you might think. Now the Colonel, he’s out here somewhere, in the middle of no where. And he is cold and he is hungry.

Jennifer – How can he be hungry, he’s made of cereal.

Alex – (continues) now, we know he’s definitely in the Columbus area. Uh, mom, mom, you be able to help us out on this?

Elyse – Look I have more important things. If you don’t mind, I like to work in peace.

Alex – That’s alright, s’alright. Alright Jen, read me that next clue.

Jennifer – “On the corner of the tree that cries, the sweetest birthday wins the prize. Sincerely the Colonel”. A tree that cries, hmmmm, when would a tree cry?

Andy – If he saw E.T.

Alex – A tree that cries. A tree that cries?

Elyse – Weeping Willow.

Alex – Jen, quick, look up weeping willow on the map.

Jennifer – I found it Alex. There’s a Willow street!

Andy – You’re a genius mom.

Elyse – Alright, alright I gave you a clue now do me a favour. Take this in the other room.

Alex – Aw c’mon mom. Mom don’t bail out on us now, forget this architecture stuff okay? You have a chance to win five thousand grand here.

Elyse – Alex-

Alex – Mom, okay, now the next part of the clue is sweetest birthday wins the prize, sweetest birthday wins the prize-

Elyse – Alex, please-

Alex – Sweetest birthday mom. C’mon, c’mon mom, mommy, (starts tickling her) C’mon sweetest birthday. Mom, c’mon-

Elyse – Sw-(stops tickling her) Sweet Sixteen!

Alex – Jen Quick! Ah, ah, Willow at sixteen. That’s it! We got it.

(Jennifer runs over to them)

Jennifer – Quick! Call the Crackle Hotline.

(Alex picks up the phone)

Elyse – Wh-Wh-What’s the number?

Alex – I dunno. It’s on the cereal box.

Elyse – Where’s the cereal box?

Alex – Uh, in the kitchen.

Elyse – Where’s the kitchen.

Alex – (using pointer) over there!

(Elyse, Jennifer, Andy and Alex all run into the Kitchen)

(Mallory sneaks down the stairs. Steven appears at the landing)

Steven – Mal?

(Mallory trips over)

Mallory – Yeah dad?

Steven – Where are you going?

Mallory – Nowhere. I was, I was just stretching.

Steven – (comes downstairs) we still got a lot of work to do.

Mallory – Oh good, good, I was afraid we were just going to do those nine hours.

Steven – (Sits down on couch, Mallory sits too) C’mon we’ve just scratched the surface. Now here take, uh this, take this folder. Now let’s, uh let’s look over the areas we want to cover. Now I-I know I want to touch on uh-uh Congressman Willik’s trip to the Persian Gulf. What approach do you think we should take?

Mallory – A fashion approach.

Steven – Yeah, yeah, fashion does have its place, but there are some things more important than colour co-ordination. After all, there’s a war going on.

Mallory – Dad, did you ever stop to think that maybe if the world were more colour co-ordinated there would be no more wars? After all, when colours clash, men are soon to follow.

Steven – Well, okay, you write a little, um, er, fashion perspective and I’ll see if I can fit it in the report.
(Steven goes upstairs).

(Alex enters living room and starts wheeling map)

Alex – How can there be a “Crackle Hotline” if the line is always busy? I mean what would happen if someone had an actual Crackle crisis?

Mallory – Alex I’m so glad you’re here. I’m going completely nuts working with dad at the station. It is a disaster.

Alex – (stops wheeling map) I told you so…is such an ugly phrase. Alright, give me the details.

Mallory – Alex I am so bored down there, I feel like I’ve wandered into one of dad’s documentaries. Like, like at any moment I’m going to be shot with a tranquilizer gun, tagged, weighed and shipped to a wildlife preserve.

Alex – (Looks very confused)…Well maybe you’ll turn up on “Animals, animals, everywhere animals”. Alright, Mal, look why don’t you just quit?

Mallory – I can’t do that. It means the world to dad that I’m working there. He’s so proud of me. He keeps calling Staff meetings to introduce me. I’ve meet Gus eighty times.

Alex – Alright, well look at it this way, okay? I had to go through it, now you have to go through it, I mean it’s a fact of life growing up in the Keaton household. I mean, right now Jen is working on her segment of “Ohio in Review”. So just hang with it and, and sooner or later, your basic incompetence will shine through.

Mallory – I sure hope so.

Scene 5 - (WKS station, set of "Ohio in Review", everyone present)

(Gus enters)

Elyse - Gus have you seen Mallory?

Gus - Eh yeah she's in the control rppm, she should be down here in a minute. I tell you Elyse, I'm getting a little worried.

Elyse - About Mallory?

Gus - No about me. If you and Steven keep shipping your offspring down to the station, I have a feeling I'm going to find myself out of a job.

(Elyse laughs)
(Steven walks up to them, his arm around Jennifer, Jennifer looks uncomfortable)

Steven - You know Elyse, one day this little girl is going to work at this station too.

Gus - Uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm packing my bags.

(Alex is on the "OIR" set phone and Andy is sitting on the set desk)

Alex - Uh, hello? hello operator? Yeah, I'm trying to get through to the "Crackle Hotline". But the line is always busy...Oh, oh, I, oh you're trying to call too? Oh really? Well, where do you think he is?...(fake-sounding laugh) Ahahahahaha (puts hand over the reciever) (talking to Andy) The telephone operator thinks that Colonel Crackle is under a bus in Daiton.

Alex & Andy - We're gonna be rich! (high five each other)

(Mallory enters)

Stage hand - Uh, you gotta hurry Mallory. We're going to go in about two minutes.

Mallory - Yeah, I'm ready. I just got to set this stuff up.

Steven - Hey, how's my partener?

Mallory - Fine, fine. I did everything you said. I've got all the copy right here and I put all the cassetes in the control room.

Steven - Great, gtreat. Way to go Mal!

Stage Hand - Alright Steven, I need you on stage now.

(Steven goes to sit behind desk but Alex and Andy are still sitting there on the phone)

Alex - Alright, no, no, Crackle! C-R-A-C-K-L-E. Crackle.
(Stage Hand picks up Andy and takes him off-set)
(Steven is getting ready)
Alex - No Crackle! (Stage hand taps Alex on the shoulder)
(Stage Hand goes off-set) (Alex looks frustrated and so does Steven)
(Steven sits down at desk) (Announcer and music start playing)
Announcer - "WKS proudly presents Ohio in Review"
(Steven taps Alex on the shoulder)
Alex - Colonel Crackle! C-R-A-C-K-L(Stage Hand drags Alex off-set)
(Steven looks flustered and quickly hangs up phone)

Steven - Hello and welcome. I'm the general manager of WKS, Steven Crackle.

(realizes what he just said)

Steven - That's, um, Steven "Crackle" Keaton.

Steven - Welcome to "Ohio in Review". At the top of Ohio happenings tonight, the Daiton drive-thru lion safari celebrated its fifth anniversary this week and a huge crowd was on hand to see monkeys, baboons and the like strut their stuff for children of all ages. (turns page) And congressman Jim Willik returned from his recent fact finding mission to the war-torn region of the Persian Gulf. The four-term congressman (turns page) was dressed in a lovely chiffon gown with diamonte shoulder straps by Gallanos...he was?

(Mallory runs on-set and starts shuffling the papers)

Mallory - I'm sorry dad, I must have gotten it mixed up with that, that fashion report I was working on. Here, okay go ahead. (Looks at camera) Hi mom (waves).

(Elyse can be heard off-screen whispering "I'm over here")

Mallory - (turns to the side) Oh Hi. (goes off-set)

Steven - Willik reported that the Iranian leadership repeated their demands for a cease-fire with Iraq. These included free passage through the straits of ******, an embargo on Iraqi oil products, (turns page) and a pair of slingback, open-toed heels for tomorrow night's dance...

(Mallory rushes on-set again and starts shuffling through papers)

Mallory - I'm sorry dad. (runs off)

Steven - It's okay, it's, let's roll the video tape.

(video of monkeys starts)

Steven - In national news, the president at a press conferance stated that he and other government officials were hard at work trying to cut down on defence spending. He also said-

Mallory - Dad!-

Steven - Not,not now honey. The President emphasized that the huge federal defecet, while troublesome, (shows a pack of monkeys running) was something we couldn't run away from. (shows a monkey on top of a car)The key, he said, was to try and ride it out.

Mallory - (comes on-set) Dad, I made a mistake. I think they're showing the wrong video. (goes off-set)

(Steven turns around and sees video of monkeys)

Steven - This just in "Monkeys, Monkeys, everywhere monkeys".

Mallory - Go to a commercial!

Steven - We don't have a commercial!

(Mallory comes on-set and starts shuffling through papers)
(Alex comes on-sset)

Alex - Can I just use this phone-

Steven - Alex! Please -

("Please stand by" message appears on screen)

Alex - Crackle! C-R-A-C-K-L-E!

Scene 6 - (Keaton kitchen, Steven [carrying a sleeping Andy], Elyse, Jennifer and Alex enter)

Steven - I'm going to go up to uh, to put Andy to bed. I'll check on Mallory too.

Elyse - Good idea.

Alex - I'm just going to use the phone.

(Alex starts dialling)

Jennifer - Alex, don't you think you're being a little insensitive?

Alex - Jennifer, we're talking about five-thousand dollars here.

Jennifer - Make the call.

Alex - H-! At last its ringing. Hello! Hello, I would like your complete and undivided attention. My name is Alex P. Keaton, Colonel Crackle is in downtown Columbus on the corner of Willow and-wh-...I beg your pardon?...That's impossible...Really?...I see..I see.

(Alex goes to hang up the phone, but it misses the hook and falls in the bin)
(Alex puts his hand to his mouth and looks shocked)

Jennifer - Alex, what's the matter?

Alex - Colonel Crackle was found under a bus in Daiton...by a telephone operator.

Elyse - My God, is he alright?

(Alex looks strangely at Elyse and she just shrugs)

(Steven enters through swinging door)

Steven - Mallory's door's locked, she won't come down.
(Alex puts his head down on the bench)
Steven - (pats Alex on the back) You seem to be taking this pretty hard Alex. It's okay, hey (hugs him) it's okay. The job just wasn't right for her.

Alex - The telephone operator.

Steven - ...Yeah, maybe she could do that.

Jennifer - Well mom, what should we tell Mallory about the show? Should we tell her we liked it?

Elyse - We should just tell her the truth.

Alex - Oh mom, c'mon, it was embarassing, it was humiliating, it was the dumbest thing I have ever seen,

(Elyse, Jennifer and Steven voice their agreement)

(Mallory enters through swining door)

Alex - Hey loved it Mal. That was the finest piece of tele-journalism, I have ever seen.

(Elyse, Jennifer and Steven agree)

Mallory - You're all very nice, but I know what it was. A complete disaster.

(Elyse, Jennifer, Steven and Alex agree)

(Elyse, Jennifer and Alex exit through swinging door, leaving Mallory and Steven alone in the kitchen)

Mallory - I'm so sorry dad. I mean, I swear I tried my best but I was just in way over my head and I apologize.

Steven - I thought you were doing great! If it was too much for you, why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you say so?

Mallory - Well, I'd go to work everyday and you were so happy I was there and so proud of every little thing I did and there I was going through the motions and not really knowing what I was doing, except that I was doing it for you. And I didn't want to let you down.

Steven - I think I'm the one that let you down. I pushed you into areas you didn't want to go, areas you shouldn't go. I'm sorry.

Mallory - (sitting down) I really ruined your show. I hope your ratings don't drop.

Steven - Fortunately, Mal that's completely impossible. (sits down) I love you so much honey, I just want the whole world to open up for you, to see you go and do things that, I didn't have a chance to do. I don't know, maybe every father feels that way.

Mallory - But I am doing things I want dad, and I'm doing things I'd never thought I'd do. I'm going to college, you and mom gave me that. And even though I'll never, never, ever, work at your station again, I lernt from you the value of work, but it has to be my kind of work.

Steven - (nods) Okay.

(Steven hold Mallory's hand and chuckles)

Steven - It was really nice having you down there. I loved seeing you so much.

Mallory - It was nice for me too.

Steven - Oh, so it wasn't all bad huh? Some parts you liked?

Mallory - ...Sure.

Steven - Well, oh I don't know, maybe, you know, under, under different circumstances. If uh, you know, maybe, if uh, Jennifer were down there helping you, Alex, Alex too, Andy, you know maybe if you all worked down there at the same time?

Mallory - I don't know dad.

THE END

4 RMS OCN VU
SCENE 1

FADE IN

ALEX, MALLORY AND JENNIFER ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM. STEVEN ENTERS.

Steven: Okay kids, I’ve got to get going. Say goodbye to the old man.

Alex: Okay Dad, listen, have a safe trip, okay, and give our love to Mom.

Steven: Yeah.

Mallory: Yeah, and Grandma too.

Jennifer: Daddy, do you really have to go?

Steven: Well, it’s just for a few days, Jen.

Alex: Yeah, but even so, Dad, it’s just not the same without you guys around here.

Mallory: Yeah, we really miss you when you’re not here.

Jennifer: Yeah, we love you.

THEY ALL HUG STEVEN.

Steven: Thank you, kids, that’s very sweet. Uh, where’s, where’s my suitcase?

Alex: Uh, it’s in the car, the motor’s running.

MALLORY GETS STEVEN’S COAT AND DRAPES IT ON HIM WHILST ALEX OPENS THE DOOR.

Steven: Uh, yeah, thanks, thanks a lot. (GOES TO THE DOOR) Uh, look, your mother and I will be back on Sunday. Grandma’s number is on the kitchen counter. Alex, I’m leaving you in charge.

Alex: Dad, don’t worry, I’ll rule with a firm but loving hand.

Steven: Okay. Listen, have fun, and if you need anything, give us a call…(THE KIDS START TO CLOSE THE DOOR ON HIM. HE COMES FORWARD, REACHES IN AND WAVES.) Bye.

Alex/Mallory/Jennifer: Bye…

THEY CLOSE THE DOOR ON HIM.

Alex: Well, you all heard Dad. I’m in charge. Monica Dillon is going to be here in an hour, and the two of you don’t fit into our plans.

Mallory: Well where are we supposed to go?

Alex: Go to the mall, I mean, go anywhere.

Jennifer: But Mallory’s not allowed to use the car, Alex, remember? She’s being punished for using it when she wasn’t supposed to last week.

Alex: (HANDING THE CAR KEYS TO MALLORY) I’m in charge and your punishment’s suspended.

Mallory: Thanks!

Alex: Uh, Jennifer, you go with her, okay?

Jennifer: But I don’t want to go to the mall.

Alex: Go to the moon. Okay? I don’t care. Just don’t be here when Monica gets here.

Mallory: Look, I can take you to Chrissy’s house, Jen.

Jennifer: I’m not allowed to go over at Chrissy’s house. I’m being punished for goofing off with her at school.

Alex: Your punishment’s suspended too!

Mallory: You know, Alex, I like having you in charge.

Jennifer: Yeah, me too.

Alex: Thanks. Now get lost, try and be back for school on Monday.

MALLORY AND JENNIFER EXIT OUT THE BACK AS SKIPPY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT.

Skippy: Oh, hi, Alex.

Alex: Hey, Skip, listen, guy, uh, I don’t think this is a good time for one of our little chats, okay?

Skippy: Is Monica Dillon coming over?

Alex: You got it.

Skippy: Okay…hey, uh, I got to speak to Mallory before I go, I got us a couple of tickets to the NCAA chess semi-finals. I want to invite her.

Alex: Well, Skip, she just left, although if you hurry, you may be able to catch her, you know, it usually takes her twenty minutes to back out of the driveway.

Skippy: (HURRYING OUT) Oh, uh, hey, Mallory! (JUMPING AND WAVING) It’s me! It’s Skippy! Do you want to go out with me Friday night?

THERE IS A SCREECH AND THE SOUND OF A CAR SMASHING INTO SOMETHING. ALEX LOOKS WORRIEDLY TOWARDS THE DOOR.

Skippy: (COMING BACK IN) She…she stopped! I think she’s considering.

MALLORY AND JENNIFER ENTER.

Mallory: Um…you know that telephone pole outside?

Alex: Yeah…

Mallory: It smashed into our car!

Skippy: I – I’ll check for damage.

HE RUNS OUT, WITH ALEX FOLLOWING.

Alex: Oh, the car! (COMES BACK IN) Oh, the car, Dad’s car! Mallory, how could you do that? You know you’re not supposed to be driving! You’re right, you’re being punished!

Mallory: What are we going to do, Alex? We have to get that fixed before Dad gets back. How are we going to pay for that?

Alex: I don’t know, I don’t know, there’s got to be three hundred dollars’ damage to that car. I don’t know where we’re going to come up with that kind of money!

SKIPPY RUNS BACK IN.

Skippy: Uh…good news. The telephone pole’s okay.

Alex: Listen, Skippy, we’ve got a little problem here. Maybe you could come back another time.

Skippy: Well, I don’t know where I’m going to go. I can’t go home.

Jennifer: Why not?

Skippy: It’s jammed with people. My whole family’s here for the big Leland Homecoming game. They’re making me sleep in the garage. I guess you guys don’t want to rent me a room, huh?

Mallory: Not while I’m alive.

Alex: Skippy, why aren’t your relatives staying in a hotel?

Skippy: Because there isn’t one available room between here and the state line.

ALEX PUTS HIS ARM AROUND SKIPPY AND STARTS LEADING HIM TO THE DOOR, THEN TURNS AROUND AND LEAFS HIM BACK.

Alex: Yes there is.

Mallory: Alex, no!

Alex: If there really is a shortage of rooms, it seems to me that somebody who had a room to rent out this weekend could really make a killing. Or at least enough to buy a new fender, if you get my drift.

Jennifer: Alex, no.

Skippy: Oh, Alex has a point, there’s a lot of money to be made. My Dad’s charging his cousins forty-five dollars a night.

Mallory: But Alex, it’s wrong.

Alex: Of course it’s wrong, Mallory. Seventy-five a night is right.

Mallory: Come on, Alex, it’s wrong, and I’m telling you, you can’t do it! I mean, what if Mom and Dad find out?

Alex: What if Mom and Dad see the piece of modern art you turned their car into?

Mallory: Do it!

FADE OUT

SCENE 2

FADE IN

NEXT DAY – MALLORY, JENNIFER AND SKIPPY ARE DUSTING AND CLEANING THE LIVING ROOM. ALEX ENTERS.

Alex: Okay, the ad is in the paper. What’s our state of readiness, Skipper?

Skippy: All systems ago, captain. The baby’s room is in a state of rental preparedness.

Jennifer: It still feels weird to me – renting out a room in our own house.

Alex: Well, Jen, don’t think of it as renting. All we’re doing is letting strangers use a room in our home – for money.

Mallory: You know what I think?

Alex: Don’t ask the impossible, Mallory.

Mallory: Alex, I think that Mom and Dad would not approve of this.

Alex: Oh, come on, Mallory, you underestimate our parents. They are thoughtful, generous people. And I think they’d be thrilled to know we are using their home to…to shelter weary travellers.

Mallory: You mean we’re going to tell them?

Alex: What, are you crazy?

THE DOORBELL RINGS. JENNIFER ANSWERS IT. A YOUNG COUPLE, THE DRISCOLLS, STAND THERE.

Jack: Hi, we’ve come about the room.

Alex: Come right in, come right in.

Jack Driscoll: Pleased to meet you, Jack Driscoll, Leland ’81, and this is my wife Darlene.

Darlene Driscoll: Leland ’82.

Alex: Pleased to meet you. Alex P. Keaton, Leland ’88. And, uh, this is Skippy Handelman, Harding High, ’86. (SKIPPY SMILES AND WAVES HIS FEATHER DUSTER) My sister Mallory, Harding High ’86…God-willing. And my little sister Jennifer, Randolph Elementary, ’88.

Jack Driscoll: What a bunch of smarties we are!

Darlene Driscoll: We were so happy to see your ad. You know, you can’t get a room in this entire town.

Alex: Do tell…

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

Alex: Well, I’ll get that. Uh, Skippy, why don’t you show the Driscolls the room.

Skippy: Happy to, Alex! Right this way, Mr. and Mrs. Driscoll. And, uh, may I say that I hope your stay here is a pleasant one – if you stay.

ALEX OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND A MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE, MR. AND MRS. BARKER, THEIR DAUGHTER, AND SON, DOUGIE, STANDING SLUMPED AGAINST EACH OTHER ON THE PORCH.

Mr. Barker: Don’t tell me it’s rented or I’ll kill myself right on the doorstep.

Alex: Well, no, it’s not rented yet, although there’s a couple looking at it right now.

Mrs. Barker: Fine. We’ll take it.

THE FAMILY ENTERS, WITH THEIR BAGS AND CASES.

Mallory: Um…but you haven’t even seen the room.

Mr. Barker: We’ll take it.

Daughter: Are we there yet, Mommy?

Mrs. Barker: Yes, sweetheart, we’re here. (SHE SITS DOWN) These nice people are going to let us stay with them.

Daughter: (HUGGING ALEX) Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Dougie: This is it, Ma? This is where we’re gonna stay?

Mrs. Barker: Yes, Dougie. This is it.

Dougie: I don’t like the lobby. (HE SITS DOWN AS SKIPPY RETURNS WITH THE DRISCOLLS.)

Jack Driscoll: The room’s perfect, we’ll take it.

Darlene Driscoll: I love the basinet.

Alex: Great, well, we aim to please.

Jack Driscoll: I believe the ad said seventy-five a night.

Alex: Right.

Mr. Barker: Wait a minute, we want that room! I’ll give you eighty.

Alex: (TEMPTED) Eighty…? Eighty. I’m sorry, sir, that’s not the way I do business. Now, you offend me. The Driscolls were here first, and they should get the room.

Mrs. Barker: Make it eighty-five.

Alex: I’m not as offended any more.

Darlene Driscoll: Do something, Jack. I’m not gonna sleep in the car again. We slept in the car last year for Homecoming; I still have ashtray marks on my neck.

Jack Driscoll: Ninety-five.

Mr. Barker: Ninety-six.

Jack Driscoll: Ninety-seven.

Dougie: Ninety-eight.

Mr. Barker: Ninety-eight-fifty!

Dougie/Mr. Barker/Jack Driscoll: Ninety-nine!

Mr. Barker: Wait a minute, wait just one minute! It’s a big house! What are we all bidding on one room for? I mean, there’s lots of rooms in this place.

Alex: Please, look, there’s only one room for rent, the others are occupied.

Mr. Barker: (TO JENNIFER) Little girl – do you have a room?

Jennifer: Yes.

Mr. Barker: Give you a hundred bucks for it.

Jennifer: You got it.

Mallory: Um…I…I have a room!

EVERYONE STARTS TALKING AND ARGUING AT ONCE.
FADE OUT

SCENE 3

FADE IN

EVENING – MALLORY AND SKIPPY ARE IN THEIR PYJAMAS, SETTING UP SLEEPING BAGS IN THE LIVING ROOM. ALEX ENTERS, ALSO IN HIS PYJAMAS, CARRYING A BELL, WHICH HE RINGS SEVERAL TIMES. HE GOES BEHIND A DESK AND PLACES THE BELL ON IT. JENNIFER COMES DOWNSTAIRS IN HER ROBE.

Alex: Hey, Jen. All the guests asleep?

Jennifer: Yeah, I just tucked in the Driscoll family.

SHE WALKS TO THE SOFA.

Skippy: This is fantastic! I’ve never had so much fun in my life! Why don’t we do this more often?

Mallory: Alex, does he have to sleep in here?

Alex: Mallory, look – he is an employee of Keaton Manor. And he’s entitled to sleep in the living room with the rest of us. (HE TURNS THE LAMP OFF AND CROSSES TO THE SOFA) Ah…who’s sleeping bag is that?

Jennifer: Mine.

Alex: Ah…looks comfy. (HE TOSSES IT ONTO THE FLOOR AND PUTS HIS OWN SLEEPING BAG ON THE SOFA)

Jennifer: You’re a real gentleman, Alex.

Skippy: Jennifer, he’s the boss, it’s important that he’s well-rested.

ALEX CLAPS HIM ON THE BACK.

Jennifer: You know, Alex, I didn’t think this was going to work out, but so far it’s been okay.

Alex: Okay? Jennifer, I think it’s a little more than okay. The car is being fixed. We have enough money to pay for it, and we’ve got a little money left over for ourselves.

Mallory: How much left over?

Alex: Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, Mallory. Let Alex handle all the big old nasty financial details.

DOUGIE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS AND GOES OVER TO THE COUCH.

Dougie: I want some French toast!

Alex: The kitchen is closed.

Dougie: Well open it. I want some French toast.

Alex: You can have some French toast for breakfast.

Dougie: I want it now!

MRS. BARKER APPEARS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

Mrs. Barker: Douglas Barker, you get up these stairs this instant, you have had enough to eat tonight!

Dougie: I did not. I still have space!

Mrs. Barker: (ANGRY) Dougie! (MORE KINDLY) Now, dear.

Dougie: Okay. But there better be French toast here in the morning.

AS HE LEAVES, HE KICKS SKIPPY HARD.

Skippy: (SITTING UP) Ow!

DOUGIE LEAVES, BUT ALMOST INSTANTLY,THE DOORBEDLL RINGS. ALEX GETS UP TO ANSWER IT. THE BELL RINGS AGAIN.

Alex: Coming, coming, coming…

HE OPENS IT. TWO MEN STAND STEP FORWARD, WITH SEVERAL PEOPLE VISIBLE BEHIND THEM.

Man: We’ve come about the room.

Mallory: Alex – no.

Second Man: We’d like one with an ocean view, please.

Jennifer: We’re all booked up, Alex.

Alex: Yeah, uh…like she said, we are completely booked, in fact we’re overbooked. You know, I couldn’t rent you a room even if I had one.

Second Man: We’re desperate and we’re wealthy.

Alex: That’s my favourite combination. (WAVES THEM IN) Welcome to Keaton Manor. Thank you. (MORE AND MORE PEOPLE FILE IN AFTER THEM) Whoa! Hey! Wait a minute…hold on…hang on…

FADE OUT

SCENE 4
FADE IN:

NEXT MORNING. ALEX IS BEHIND THE DESK IN THE LIVING ROOM. SKIPPY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS WITH HIS ARMS FULL OF CLOTHES.

Alex: Did you get the sheets from all the beds, Skippy?

Skippy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got every one. Some of the guests didn’t want to get up, but…I made them.

Alex: Good boy.

SKIPPY WALKS AWAY AND DOUGIE APPROACHES. HE RINGS THE BELL. ALEX STARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT.

Alex: Can I help you?

Dougie: Yeah, can I get a massage?

Alex: I’m sorry, but the spa is closed.

Dougie: I want a massage.

Alex: I’m sorry, but the…

Dougie: I want a massage!

Alex: All right! Okay, come here…

HE COMES ROUND AND GIVES DOUGIE A QUICK MASSAGE.

Alex: (BACK BEHIND THE DESK) There you go, get out of here.

Dougie: Ahhhhhh...that’s a lot better. Thanks. (PUTS A COIN ON THE DESK) Get yourself a little something.

DOUGIE LEAVES AS MR. BARKER COMES OVER.

Mr. Barker: Uh…we ordered room service over two hours ago.

Alex: Right, sir, sorry, you are…?

Mr. Barker: The Barkers, Room 201.

Alex: Yes sir, uh…we’ll…we’ll get that up there right away.

Mr. Barker: Uh…don’t forget, I want the crusts cut off the toast.

Alex: Right, well, that’s what’s taking so long.

Mr. Barker: Oh! Oh…

ALEX RINGS THE BELL.

Alex: Front! Front!

MALLORY COMES OVER.

Mallory: What is it now, Alex?

Alex: Mallory, what is the problem with the Barkers’ toast?

Mallory: Alex, forget it, okay? I’m tired of making sandwiches, I’m tired of doing people’s laundry, I’m tired of making their little beds. Now we have enough money for the car, let’s just send everyone home and close up.

Alex: Mallory, how can you say that? You know, we hotel operators have a certain code of ethics. You know, you can’t just throw people out into the street.

JENNIFER COMES OVER.

Jennifer: Alex, that is the fifth time I have fixed that shower today! I just locked the door. There’s no more bathroom for these people!

Alex: No more bathroom for these people? That’s hardly a motto for a hotel, Jennifer.

Jennifer: This is not a hotel, Alex, this is a house.

Mallory: I’m with you, Jennifer.

Alex: Okay, look, listen to me. Let’s just get these people off to the game, okay? Then we can sit in peace and we can talk about this.

A VEHICLE HOOTS FROM OUTSIDE.

Alex: Okay, all right…(OPENS THE DOOR) All right, okay, attention, attention, please! This is the bus that will take you to the game. Now if you’ll form an orderly line…

THE GUESTS STAMPEDE FOR THE DOOR. ALEX QUICKLY MOVES AND STANDS ON THE STAIRS AS THE GUESTS ALL RUSH PAST HIM AND OUT THE DOOR. FINALLY, THEY ARE ALL LEFT ALONE AND EVERYONE SITS DOWN.

Mallory: My feet are killing me.

Jennifer: Your feet? My back and my neck.

Alex: Right now, let’s just relax and enjoy the peace.

THE PHONE RINGS. ALEX GOES TO ANSWER IT.

Jennifer: No more guests, please, Alex?

Alex: (INTO PHONE) Hello, Keaton Manor…Dad. I meant…in a manner of speaking, hello…Keaton. You’re where? You’re – you’re what? You’re coming home now? No, no, no! No, no, no, no, I’m fine. I’m just excited. Yeah, we’re all excited. Boy, this is exciting. Okay, Dad. We’ll see you soon.

HE HANGS UP.

Mallory: What, Alex, Dad’s coming home?

Alex: Yeah, he had to cut his trip short, there’s some kind of strike at the station. Anyway, he’s going to be here in a couple of hours.

Skippy: Oh, that’s good! We could use an extra hand around here.

FADE OUT

SCENE 5
FADE IN:

LATER – ALEX, MALLORY, JENNIFER AND SKIPPY ARE GATHERING THE GUESTS’ BELONGINGS TOGETHER, IN PREPARATION FOR TURNING THEM OUT. SKIPPY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS, LADEN DOWN WITH CASES AND BAGS.

Alex: Oh, come on, Skip, is that all you could carry?

Skippy: Sorry, Alex.

Mallory: Well, Skippy, how’d you get all the bags packed so fast?

Skippy: Well, I took the clothes out of the drawers, and I stuffed them into the suitcases.

Mallory: How’d you know which clothes went in which bags?

Skippy: (WORRIED) Was that important?

Alex: Look, we can’t worry about that now, we’ve got to get the rest of these bags packed, and get these people out of here as fast as we can.

THERE IS THE SOUND OF CHEERING. JACK AND DARLENE DRISCOLL ENTER. JACK IS CARRYING A FLAG.

Jack Driscoll: We won!

Skippy: Oh, great! Sit down and tell us every detail of the game!

Alex: Skippy!

Skippy: Oh, uh…no, I mean…grab your bags and get the hell out of here!

Alex: (HANDING THEM THEIR CASES) What he means is, we had a little emergency, and we’re forced to evacuate the hotel.

Darlene Driscoll: What’s wrong?

Alex: Well, the building, uh, is condemned.

Skippy: (TO MALLORY) Did you hear that!?

Mallory: He’s making that up, Skippy.

Jack Driscoll: Oh, no, no, Darlene and I want to stay.

Darlene Driscoll: Yeah.

Jack Driscoll: This old hotel means a lot to us.

Alex: Uh, look, uh, Skippy, go get the rest of the bags. Jennifer, you go help him.

JENNIFER AND SKIPPY RUN UPSTAIRS, AS THE BARKER FAMILY COMES IN.

Mr. Barker: WE WON!

Mrs. Barker: I am so pooped, I’m not moving for the next two days!

Alex: Uh, that’s what you think.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. ALEX ANSWERS IT AS JENNIFER AND SKIPPY RETURN.

Man: I hope you don’t mind, I invited a few people.

Alex: Uh…mind…as a matter of fact…

ABOUT TWENTY PEOPLE RUN IN. LAST IS A MAN WITH A KANGAROO.

Alex: Hey, what are you doing!?

Guest: We did it! We captured the other team’s mascot, we got the (Crawford?) Kangaroo!

THE GUESTS CHEER AS ALEX LEADS THE KANGAROO INTO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM.

Skippy: (TO MALLORY) Can you believe this, they captured the (Crawford?) Kangaroo! This is a day we will never forget!

STEVEN ENTERS.

Steven: I’m home!

HE SEES THE SCENE BEFORE HIM AND MOVES SLOWLY FORWARD, TAKING IT IN. MALLORY AND JENNER RUSH TO HIM.

Mallory: Hi Dad!

Jennifer: It’s so nice to see you.

Steven: What is going on here?

Alex: Uh, Dad, uh…don’t go jumping to any conclusions.

THE KANGAROO KICKS ALEX BETWEEN THE LEGS.

FADE OUT

SCENE 6
FADE IN:

LATER – THE GUESTS HAVE ALL GONE, AND ALEX, MALLORY AND JENNIFER ARE CLEANING THE LIVING ROOM.

Mallory: I can’t believe how angry Dad was, I’ve never seen him like that.

Jennifer: He didn’t seem that angry.

Alex: Oh, come on, he was beyond angry, Jennifer. He had that, that look, you know? He can’t quite get the words out, and he just goes…(MOVES HAND OVER HIS FACE) H-uggghh…

THEY HERE A GROAN.

Mallory: Shhh! Here he comes.

STEVEN ENTERS.

Alex: Hey Dad – how’s it going?

STEVEN STARES AT HIM. HE LOOKS AS THOUGH HE’S ABOUT TO SPEAK, BUT THEN REPEATS THE HAND MOTION THAT ALEX DID. HE EXITS.

Jennifer: Do you think Dad’ll ever like us again?

Alex: ’Course he will, Jen. Just give him a little time. Twenty, thirty years. He’ll come around.

Jennifer: I’d hate for his last words to me to be…(REPEATS THE HAND MOTION THAT ALEX AND STEVEN DID)

STEVEN COMES BACK IN.

Alex: Hey, Dad, come on, stop, look, at least slow down, okay? (STEVEN STOPS AND TURNS SLIGHTLY) Look, do you, uh…plan on being mad at us for the rest of your life?

Steven: That is my plan.

Mallory: But Dad, we’re your flesh and blood.

Alex: Yeah, yeah, Dad – remember how cute we were when we were babies?

Jennifer: Yeah, well I’m still a baby, Dad. Will you read me a book, Daddy?

Alex: Yeah, Daddy, read us all a book. (STEVEN STARTS WALKING AWAY) Look, come on, Dad, don’t go away. (STEVEN STOPS) You always said that we should talk about these things.

Steven: Alex…parents are conditioned to accept a few minor problems when they leave their children alone at home. Spilt milk on the rug…a broken dish. There was a kangaroo in my living room.

Alex: He was just here for the party, Dad.

Steven: Then I guess I’m overreacting.

Mallory: Dad, if you just give us a chance, we can explain everything.

Steven: Oh, can you? Can you explain the valet parking in the driveway? The flashing vacancy sign? The billboard on Route 41?

Alex: Look, Dad, I just, I just lost my head, you know? When the money started rolling in, I got out of control. I could smell it. I could taste it. I could hear it calling me at night, saying, “Alex…at last we’ll be together.” Dad, I guess you could just say that I became a moneyholic. Dad, I need help.

Mallory: Um, Dad, I guess most of this was my fault. I mean, I shouldn’t have been driving the car at night without your permission. And Alex and Jennifer were just trying to help pay for the car damage. They’re really not to blame.

Jennifer: Well, I guess it’s my fault too. I shouldn’t have asked Mallory to take me over to Chrissy’s when I wasn’t supposed to go.

Alex: Dad, uh, you left me in charge. And I let you down in every possible way. I was immature, I was irresponsible, and I was greedy. I’m sorry.

HE HOLDS OUT HIS HAND. STEVEN SEEMS ABOUT TO SHAKE IT, BUT THEN HE MOVES HIS HAND ACROSS HIS FACE AGAIN, GROANS AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.

Alex: He’s coming around.

THE END
By Sharop

Have Gun Will Unravel

Scene 1:
Kitchen: Enter Steven, Elyse, Alex, Mallory and Jennifer. They take off their jackets.

Steven: I can't believe that your Mother and I were the only one's who enjoyed A Hard Day's Night.

Mallory: No, no I'm sure there were some other old people there in the audience who enjoyed it.

Elyse: Yeah, I hear Beatles are big in nursing homes.

Jennifer: Next time let me pick the movie ok?

Mallory: No, we let you pick the movie last time and it was terrible.

Jennifer: I can't help it if you don't like subtitles.

Alex: At least that movie was quiet. You could sleep. These guys kept breaking into song every five minutes.

Alex sits down at the kitchen table.

Steven: Elyse, I'm crushed. How did we manage to raise three children who don't care that Eleanor Riby keeps her face in a jar by the door?

Elyse: The same way our parents raised kids who don't care how Stella looked by starlight.

Mallory: I can't believe you guys used to listen to that kind of music. It's so boring.

Mallory sits down at the table. Elyse exits the kitchen and goes into the livingroom.

Jennifer: They didn't even break any guitars.

Steven: Is that how you judge music today? By how many guitars get broken?

Jennifer: No, that's how you know the song's over.

Mallory and Alex are eating at the table.

Elyse: Steven come in here quickly!

Everyone quickly runs into the livingroom.

Scene 2:
Livingroom: Elyse, Steven, Mallory, Alex and Jennifer are present. The livingroom is a complete mess.

Steven: My God. We've been robbed.

Elyse: I can't believe it. People we don't even know came in here. They tracked mud all over the floor. They took things that belonged to us. Why would they do that?

Steven: They're burglars Elyse. That's their job.

Alex: I'll check my room.

Mallory: Me too.

Alex and Mallory go upstairs.

Elyse: Steven check the dinning room. See if the silverware is still there. It's in the top drawer of the breakfront.

Jennifer: Wow, wait until my class hears about this during show and tell. Oh, Mommy do you mind tying me to this chair for a picture? The kids at school are hard to impress.

Steven comes running into the livingroom.

Steven: I think the silver's gone Elyse.

Elyse: It's not in the breakfront?

Steven: Hard to tell. They took the break front.

Alex comes downstairs.

Alex: They cleaned me out. They took everything. They took my calculator collection, my golf clubs. At least they didn't touch my Mon AVone albums.

Steven: That's a relief.

Alex: They really made a mess up there. They went through everything, even the linen closet.

Elyse: Oh great! Now the whole underworld knows that my sheets and pillowcases don't match.

Mallory comes downstairs.

Mallory: (dramatically) It's gone, I can't believe it. They took my most prized possession.

Alex: So we'll get you another mirror.

Mallory: They took my diary. I'm freaking out. I'm going to have to leave town.

Jennifer: Don't worry Mallory, I had it xeroxed last week.

Mallory: (puts a hand to her chest): You xeroxed my diary?!

Jennifer: Yeah, and I have a lot of questions.

Mallory takes Jennifer's chin in her hand.

Mallory: I'm going to kill you!

Elyse: I'm calling the police.

Mallory: Mom, It's just a figure of speech.

Elyse picks up the phone.

Steven: Now, everybody stay calm. The important thing is that no one was hurt. Nothing else matters.

Jennifer: That's easy for you to say, you didn't read her diary.

Mallory takes a step toward Jennifer, but Steven holds her back.

Scene 3:
Kitchen: The light is off. Steven opens the door a little and turns on the light. He opens the door further and enters the kitchen. Steven looks around to make sure no one is in the house. He goes into the pantry area, opens the door that leads into it and the broom falls down scaring him and everyone else. Mallory, Alex, Elyse and Jennifer enter the kitchen. They ask if he's ok.

Steven: I'm all right. I think the broom's dead though.

Jennifer jumps up on the counter top and sits there.

Alex: Just relax Dad. I'll check the livingroom.

Alex makes a noise and uses a karate move on the swinging door and goes through it. He quickly returns.

Alex: It's all clear. Nobody's in there.

Jennifer: Did you look upstairs?

Alex: Upstairs?

Mallory: Yeah, you know where we keep the bedrooms.

Alex: No, no I didn't make it up there.

Mallory: Coward.

Alex: Look who's talking. The brave soul who offered me five dollars to check behind the shower curtain last night.

Mallory: I did not. I offered you three, you said you'd do it for five.

Elyse: Mallory, if you're scared come to me or Daddy, we don't charge.

Mallory: I would have, but you were downstairs frisking the paperboy.

Elyse: I wasn't frisking him. I was checking his id. He's new on the route.

Steven: All right. This is going to have to stop. I will not have my family afraid in our own home.

Jennifer: Can we go to a motel?

Steven; No. I think it's time for a family meeting about this.

Alex, Mallory and Jennifer groan.

Elyse: Yeah.

Jennifer: Not another family meeting.

Jennifer jumps down off the counter top. Elyse, Steven and Jennifer go over to the table. Alex and Mallory are already sitting at the table. Jennifer sits down at the table.

Mallory: Look, can't we just talk about this without having a former meeting?

Alex: Just because you two want to keep up this sherade of a '60's participatory democracy, why do we have to be subjected to it?

Mallory & Jennifer: Yeah?

Steven: Because we say so.

Jennifer, Alex and Mallory stand up.

Alex: Assigned seats?

Steven: Assigned seats.

Everyone goes to their assigned seat and sits down. Steven uses a kitchen utensil as a gavel. He bangs it on the table.

Steven: This meeting will now come to order. We'll dispense with the minutes. Any old business?

Jennifer: (reading from a piece of paper): At the last meeting we decided to boycott the following products: pursian rugs, whale blubbers-

Elyse: Can't we just skip the old business and get onto the problem at hand?

Jennifer: It's highly irregular.

Steven: Ok, look, I know the burglary has been hard on everyone. We've got to put it past us. We can't let fear take over and destroy our lives.

Jennifer: Does that mean I have to stop sleeping with my light on?

Steven: No, no, you keep your light on as long as you need to if it makes you feel more comfortable.

Jennifer: Can Alex keep his on too?

Alex: Jennifer!

Jennifer: You told me to ask.

Alex: I explained that to you. I need it to read by.

Mallory: You read by a Donald Duck night light?

Alex tries to grab the utensil, but Steven stops him.

Steven: All I'm saying is that we're going to take some steps to try and make us feel safe again.

Elyse: Yeah, I think we should keep the house locked at all times. Don't let any strangers in and if you see anybody acting suspicious call the police.

Steven: We want to know where you are and who you're with at all times.

Mallory: At all times?

Steven: At all times.

Mallory: Well, as a member of this democratic household I move that we hold a vote on the last issue.

Steven: Motion denied.

Steven bangs utensil.

Steven: What do you think about organizing a neighborhood watch meeting Elyse?

Mallory: Boy Dad, you'll do anything to hold a meeting.

Elyse: The police said they would send someone to speak if we did. I think it's a real good idea.

Steven: Should we hold it here or maybe we should call Phyllis and have it--

Jennifer: Chrissy's parents held a neighborhood watch meeting and every house on the block got robbed that night except theirs.

Steven: We'll have it here.

Scene 4:
Livingroom: Elyse, Steven and other parents in the neighborhood are present. Everyone is talking at once. Elyse and Steven are sitting on the couch. Everyone else, except for the police officer is sitting in chairs. The officer is standing.

Police Officer: Just remember nothing's foolproof. If burglars want to get in badly enough they will. The most you can do is make it hard and then maybe they'll go down the block instead to your neighbor's house.

Everyone reacts to what the officer said.

One guy raises his hand and stands up.

Earl: Officer, officer now that you've lost control of this meeting, do you mind if I say something?

Officer: I have a feeling you're going to.

Earl: Thank You. My name is Earl Quiby and I sell insurance.

Steven: This should be real subtle and sensitive.

Earl: If anybody knows how vulnerable a house can be, it's yours truly. Believe me, there isn't an alarm system on this Earth that can't be suckered. You want statistics? I've got statistics.

Earl pulls out a small pad of paper from his back pocket.

Earl: Pick a crime, any crime.

Phyllis: Assault and battery.

Earl: One of my favorites. (reading): Up twenty percent in this neighborhood over last year.

Everyone reacts.

Earl: We live in a jungle. At this very moment, there's a crime being committed somewhere in this neighborhood within a five mile radius.

Officer: You wouldn't happen to know where would you?

Earl: Let's face it, the only way to really protect ourselves is to get a g-u-n.

Everybody reacts.

Officer: I wouldn't recommend that for most people. Accidents happen. If you've got a gun you better be careful.

Earl: I am.

Officer: Well I've got to be moving on. I hope I haven't made you people anymore frightened then you already were.

Steven: We appreciate your honesty.

Officer: Burglars are a peculiar breed. They're not usually satisfied with hitting one house on the block and then move on. Oh no, they'll keep coming back again and again. Picking on, picking, picking, picking, until there's nothing left to pick on. Leeches zapping the strength our blood.

Everyone starts to leave.

Officer: Did I say the wrong thing?

Steven: Which time?

The officer leaves.

Steven: Let's remember to keep him out of the locker room at half time.

Phyllis: Can I help you clean up a little bit here Elyse?

Elyse: Thanks Phyllis, but I think I'll just leave it all out for the burglars.

Steven: Well, I can't say this meeting did a whole lot for my sense of security.

Earl: You want security Keaton? Get yourself a g-u-n.

Elyse: You don't understand. We don't believe in guns.

Earl: Well, that's fine and dandy until you come up against someone who does. I've got to be going.

Steven: (sarcastic): Oh, do you have to?

Earl walks over to the front door and Steven opens it. Earl looks at the lock on the door and twists it.

Earl: (laughs): Is that the lock you’re going with Keaton?

Earl laughs again. Earl leaves and Steven closes the door.

Elyse: Why can't he understand that we can't have a gun in the house. We have three children.

Phyllis: I've got four, and I've got a gun.

Elyse: You Phyllis?

Phyllis: Yes, me. Hey, you'd be surprised how many people like you and me have guns these days. I'd think about it if I were you. I'll call you tomorrow.

Elyse: Yeah, sure.

Phyllis: Goodnight Steven.

Steven: Goodnight.

Phyllis leaves through the front door.

Elyse: I can't believe it. Phyllis Evens has got a gun. What is going on in the world Steven!?

Steven does respond.

Elyse: Steven.

Steven: Hmm? Oh, yeah. Look, I didn't like the way they put it, but I hate to admit it, but maybe some of what Earl and Phyllis had to say made some sense. Maybe we should consider getting a (hesitates): g-u - you know.

Elyse: You can't even say it.

Steven: My vocal cords can be very stubborn. It took them six months to say President (stutters): N-Nixon.

Elyse: A gun,that seems so terribly wrong.

Steven: I know, I know. I also know the world is changing and we got to adjust to it.

Elyse: Last time you said that you signed us up for disco lessons.

Steven and Elyse sit down on the couch.

Steven: Ever since the burglary I can't stop myself from thinking about what might have happened if we'd been home when they broke in.

Elyse: I know that thought crossed my mind two, three, or four hundred times, but is a gun the answer?

Steven: I don't know.

Jennifer, Mallory and Alex come down in their pajamas with pillows and blankets.

Jennifer: Will you sleep down here with us?

Steven: What's the matter?

Alex: We're scared. I mean, they're scared. I'm trying to be supportive.

Jennifer sits down on the couch. Mallory sits by Jennifer. Alex sits in the chair next to the couch.

Steven: Sure, why don't we all sleep down here? It'll be fun. Just like camping.

Jennifer: Am I going to have go to the bathroom outside?

Elyse; Not this trip.

Steven: You kids wait down here. You’re Mother and I will change into our pajamas and will be right back.

Steven and Elyse get up from the couch and head toward the stairs.

Elyse: Yeah. We will be right back down.

Steven and Elyse go upstairs.

Jennifer, Mallory and Alex look at each other. Mallory and Jennifer get up and head toward the stairs and Alex follows them. They hurry up the stairs.

Scene 5:
Store: Elyse and Steven are present.

Steven: Hi.

Woman: Well, what can I do for you folks today?

Steven: Well, lets see, we need some camping items, some insect repellent, campus, a collapsible drinking cup, a (covers hand to muffle sound) gun, a canteen, electric socks.

Woman: Ok, suppose we cut the song and dance. What kind of gun do you want?

Steven: What are the different kinds?

Woman: Depends. Do you just want to put a nick in him, or do you want to blow him away?

Steven: Well, a nick I think. What do you think honey?

Elyse: A nick sounds fine.

Steven: Yes, a nick then.

Woman: Do you want that nick to be a small size, middle sized, or grand canyon?

Elyse: To tell you the truth, we're not all that sure we want to buy a gun. See, actually we're pacifists. We've marched for peace, seven, no eight times if you count that rally in Paris we thought was for peace, but it really turned out to be illegalized prostitution. Our French wasn't very good at the time.

Woman: When were you robbed?

Elyse: How did you know we were robbed?

Woman: Well, that's what usually gets folks like you in here. Now don't be ashamed. It's no crime to want to protect yourselves.

Elyse: We just never thought we'd buy a gun.

The woman pulls a drawer open and takes out a gun and then closes the drawer.

Woman: Well, I think this might be your style. Most of the pacifists that come in here seem to like it.

Steven reaches for the gun and picks it up.

Steven: I've never held a gun before. This is going to take a minute.

Steven holds it up right and aims it.

Woman: Oh, it's you.

Steven puts the gun down on the counter.

Steven: They are intimidating aren't they?

Woman: That's what makes them so popular.

Elyse: What do you think?

Steven: I don't know. Part of me wants to and part of me doesn't.

Woman: Which part has the wallet?

Scene 6:
Steven & Elyse's bedroom: Steven and Elyse are present. They are laying on the bed looking at the gun. There is also a box of bullets on the bed. Elyse picks up the gun.

Elyse: Steven, do you realize I hold in my hand the power to take a human life?

Steven: What you're holding is the power to save a life. Put it down anyway.

They put the gun down.

Steven: Honey, if someone broke into the house right now we wouldn't be helpless. That's important.

Elyse: Yeah, I know that, but it's like the time your Father sent us that moose head for our anniversary. It's just not us.

Steven: We're not going to hang the gun over the fireplace.

Elyse: We're not going to hang the moose head there either.

Steven: Let's not get into that argument again. I was wrong about the moose head. Let it stay in Alex's room.

Elyse: Ok.

Steven: All I'm saying is that we're going to put the gun in a drawer and forget about it. Are you with me on this?

Elyse: I'm willing to try.

Steven: I'll keep the gun in my drawer, (picks up the box of bullets): we'll keep the bullets in yours. Well, here I go.

Steven gets up from the bed and picks up the gun.

Steven: I'm picking up the gun. I've got the gun and I'm taking it to the dresser.

Steven walks over to the dresser. He opens the drawer.

Steven: And opening the drawer and I'm putting the gun inside and closing the drawer.

Steven puts the gun in the drawer and closes the drawer. Steven turns around to face Elyse. Elyse tosses the box of bullets to Steven.

Elyse: Put the bullets away for me?

Steven: (dramatically): My God Elyse! You could have killed me!

Elyse: Bullets are only dangerous when they come directly out of a gun.

Steven puts the bullets away.

Steven: (quietly): Ok, now I'll tell the kids.

Elyse: You don't have to tip toe Steven. Guns don't go off by themselves.

Steven: You'd make a lousy defense lawyer.

Steven walks over the bedroom door.

Steven: Alex, Mallory, Jen--

Steven opens the door and the kids fall forward.

Alex: Hi.

Mallory: Hi, we were just coming up to kiss you both goodnight.

Steven: We haven't even had dinner yet.

Jennifer: We didn't want to forget. We didn't want to take any chances.

Elyse gets up from the bed.

Elyse: Why don't you come in. We wanted to talk to you anyway.

Mallory: Yeah, we thought something was up when you two snuck up here with that package and shut the door.

Steven: Kids, what you're about to see is strictly off limits to all of you and if you weren't mature enough I wouldn't let you see it at all.

Steven opens a drawer.

Mallory: When did you start wearing colored underwear Dad?

Steven closes the drawer.

Steven: Wrong drawer, but don't touch that stuff either.

Steven opens another drawer and takes out the gun.

Jennifer: Wow! A gun. Can I take that to school for show and tell?

Steven: Absolutely not! You're never to touch it.

Steven puts the gun back in the drawer and closes the drawer.

Elyse: We only showed it to you because we didn't want you to stumble across it by accident. We trust you enough to know that you'll leave it alone.

Mallory: I don't get it. I thought you two were against guns.

Steven: Come over here and sit down. We'll try to explain it to you.

Alex: This isn't going to require another family meeting is it?

Steven: No, no.

Steven sits on the bed and Jennifer sits in his lap.

Steven: Look, Mommy and I love you very much and we'll do whatever we have to, to make sure you're safe. We'd be a lot happier if there weren't such things as guns in the world, but we can't ignore them. If a gun will keep someone from hurting us then we'll have to make that concession.

Elyse: We still believe in everything we've always believed in. We haven't changed it's just that the world has changed. Do you understand?

Alex: Is that the biggest gun they had?

Steven: Would you prefer a flame thrower and some grenades?

Elyse: Ok now, I think we should just try to put the guns out of our minds. I mean hopefully we'll never have to take it out of the drawer. So lets just forget it's there. Ok?

Steven: Yeah.

Elyse: What do you say we go downstairs and eat?

Mallory: Yeah.

Jennifer: Great. What are we having?

Jennifer scoots out of Steven's lap.

Elyse: Hamburgers on sesame seed guns.

Mallory: Buns.

Scene 7:
Steven & Elyse's bedroom:
Steven and Elyse are lying in bed.

Steven: You know what I admire about you most Elyse?

Elyse: My charm and beauty?

Steven: Your ability to fall asleep in any situation.

Elyse: That was my next guess.

A noise is heard (something breaking).

Elyse: What was that?

Steven: I don't know.

Another noise (something being knocked over or dropped).

Jennifer and Mallory come running in.

Jennifer: Somebody's downstairs.

Steven: Stay here, I'm going down.

Steven walks over to the dresser.

Scene 8:
Livingroom:
It's dark. No lights are on.

Noise can be heard coming from the coat closet. Steven comes downstairs and runs over the closet. He leans against it.

Steven: Stop where you are!

Alex: Ah!

Steven: Come on!

Elyse comes running downstairs. She turns on the light.

Alex: Dad, open up. It's me Alex, your first born.

Steven opens the closet door.

Elyse: Alex, what are you doing here!?

Alex: I live here remember?

Elyse: You're supposed to be over at Jimmy's.

Alex: We had a big fight over social security. He was for it. I felt I couldn't compromise my principles by staying there. I dropped some things in the closet. I hope I didn't wake you.

Steven: Wake us? Alex, you scared us to death. We thought you were a prowler. If you hadn't spoken up I might have--

Holds up a tennis racket.

Alex: Challenged me to a game of tennis?

Alex walks out of the closet.

Elyse: Where is the gun Steven?

Steven: I went to get it. I opened the drawer. I even picked it up. I just couldn't do it. I guess I was just afraid that somebody would get hurt.

Elyse walks over to Steven and hugs him.

Elyse: I know and I love you for it.

Alex: So do I.

Alex puts his hand over his mouth.

Alex: Listen, this whole thing has shaken me up a little bit. So, if you don't mind I need a drink.

Alex walks over by the couch.

Steven: Yeah, I think the Scotch is, wait a minute.

Alex: Thought I could slip that one by you.

Mallory and Jennifer appear on the landing at the top of the stairs.

Mallory: Is it safe to come down now?

Steven: Yeah, yeah.

Mallory and Jennifer come down the stairs.

Steven: It's safe. It was just Alex.

Jennifer runs over to Steven.

Jennifer: Did you shoot him Dad?

Steven: No. There is going to be no shooting in this house. No guns. I'm taking it back in the morning. Right Elyse?

Elyse: Right. When you believe in something as long as we have you can't change over night.

Steven: I know. I realized that the minute I picked up the gun.

Elyse: Guns have no place in our lives. We've worn out too many pairs of sneakers trying to get people to put down guns.

Elyse sits down on the couch. Mallory is sitting in the chair next to the couch.

Mallory: Good, I have to admit I haven't felt real comfortable since we've had it in the house.

Jennifer and Alex are sitting by the fireplace.

Jennifer: Guns aren't the right image for you guys anyway. Don't you guys still believe that all you need is love?

Alex: Careful Jennifer, don't get them started.

Steven is sitting on the couch next to Elyse.

Elyse: Do you remember when we staged that anti-war sit-in on the steps of the justice department?

Mallory: Too late, they're back in the '60's.

Steven: Of course I remember. That was a great day we beat the national guard six to one in the Frisbee tournament.

Alex: I hope you're satisfied Jennifer.


Jennifer: Look on the bright side at least it's not that story about how they danced naked in the rain at Woodstock.


Elyse: Do you remember what you said to me just before they took us all away? You said, the day I pick up a weapon against another man is the day I admit defeat as a human being.

Steven: I said that?

Elyse: I think it was you. Were you wearing a plaid shirt?

Steven: Elyse.

Elyse: I'm teasing. I know it was you. I remember thinking when you said that, this guy is really deep.

Jennifer and Alex put their heads in their hands embarrassed.

Elyse: So maybe a gun isn't the right answer for us. We'll probably still be scared for a while, but I'd rather live with that fear then to live with a gun.

Steven: Me too. We'll just have to keep searching for the right thing for us.

Alex: Would you consider land lines in the front lawn?

Steven: No.

Alex: They have maps.

Mallory: How about body guards? (smiles): The captain of the football team looks real strong.

Elyse: Nice try.

Jennifer stands up.

Jennifer; I know. What about killer bees?

The End.

My Best Friend’s Girl

(Opening Credits)
Scene 1 – (Kitchen. Elyse, Steven, Alex, Mallory and Andy are sitting at the Kitchen table. Jennifer enters through the outside door)

Jennifer – Hi.

Everyone – Hi Jennifer/Honey.

Jennifer – Notice anything different about me?

(Everyone says they don’t)

Jennifer – I’ll give you a clue. It happens when you’re sixteen and once it happens, you’re never the same again.

Everyone – What?!/Jennifer!/No!/Oh my God!

Jennifer – Yes, yes, I got my Learner’s permit.

(Everyone sighs with relief and gets up from table to congratulate Jennifer)

Andy – That’s a relief, and I don’t even know why.

(Andy exits through swinging door)

Steven – Jen, you must be so excited, getting your Learner’s permit is a big event. And you’ve got something else to get excited about. Driving lessons with your good old dad.

Jennifer – Boy, excited is such a subjective term. You know dad, I really appreciate that you want to teach me to drive, and it means a lot to me, but I’ve been thinking of the lessons you gave Alex and Mallory.

Steven – Oh yeah, yeah, those were great lessons. They could drive through hell if they had to.

Alex – And in a sense we did.

Jennifer – Dad I want mom to teach me to drive.

(Silence)

Steven - …Oh, well no, that’s, um…that’s fine Jen, just fine. Your mother will be a wonderful teacher…if you want to learn to drive that way.

Elyse – What way is that?

Steven – (laughs) You know.

Elyse – You mean, like a woman?

Steven – Well, y-you have to admit, you rarely see a-a man, stopped at a light, fumbling through his little purse (Alex laughs) or brushing his hair in the mirror.

Alex – Putting on eyeliner during a lane change. (Alex and Steven are both laughing)

Elyse – Okay boys. Steven I know I can teach Jen to drive better than you ever could.

Steven – Oh really?

Elyse – Oh really Steven.

Steven – Not if I, hide the keys you can’t.

(Steven jumps over chairs and runs out of the kitchen through the pantry area, Elyse chases after him)

Jennifer – This is going to be hard. The learner’s permit says there has to be at least one adult in the car.

(Lauren knocks at the outside door, Alex answers)

Lauren – Hi, ready to go?

(Alex and Lauren kiss)

Alex – Yes I am my little Psycho-analytical cupcake.

Lauren – We’re going to the movies, Mal you wanna come?

Mallory – Oh you guys, don’t leave me now. Skippy’s on his way over. He has this new girlfriend and he wants to introduce her to us.

Alex – That’s great! When did this happen? How did this happen?

Mallory – I don’t know but this could be just what Skippy needs. I mean he hasn’t dated anyone since Amy transferred to Yale.

Lauren – Did they decide to see other people?

Alex – Well, yeah but Skippy didn’t know what that meant. So for months he just walked around looking at other people.

(Skippy enters with Darlene through outside door)

Skippy – Hi!

Alex – Hey, skip, buddy, come on in.

Skippy – Ah, I’d like you all to meet somebody special. This is Darlene, Darlene this is Alex, Lauren and Mallory.

Alex/Lauren/Mallory – Hi Darlene.

Darlene – Hi.

Alex – Hey why don’t we sit down, and get better acquainted.

(They all sit down at the table)

Mallory – Um, so, have you two known each other long?

Skippy – Yes.
Darlene – No.

Darlene – Um, we just meet this morning.

Mallory – So this is your first date?

Darlene – Oh no, this isn’t a date. We’re lab partners. As soon as I meet him, he asked me to come home and meet his neighbours which is, weird enough.

Alex – Thank-you.

Darlene – Oh but I said yes because he begged me and I have real trouble saying no.

Skippy – Will you marry me?

Darlene – Not that much trouble. (Jumps up from chair and heads towards the door) Um, I hope you won’t mind if I see myself out. I won’t.

(Darlene runs through the outside door, Skippy chases her)

Skippy – Uh, I don’t suppose this engagement ring will change your mind?

(Skippy exits through outside door)

Lauren – There must be something we can do. I mean he’s such a sweet and lovable guy. There must be somebody out there for him.

Alex – There’s not, I looked.

(Skippy comes back through outside door)

Skippy – That little vixen, she’s playing hard to get. (They all look at him) No she’s not, who am I kidding. She hates me. They all hate me.

Mallory – Skippy, c’mon that’s not true.

Skippy – Then how come last week I asked Lisa Toben if she wanted to go to the movies with me and her head spun around in full three-hundred and sixty degrees?

Mallory – Well she’s had the flu Skippy.

Lauren – Look Skippy, the odds are always huge against meeting the right person, but somehow it happens.

Alex – Yeah, look, look at Lauren. She wanted the best and darn it she got it.

Skippy – Well sure Alex, you’ve never had problems with women. But, all the women I meet reject me; even the women I don’t meet reject me.

Lauren – Listen Skippy, I think maybe I can help you. Why don’t you come to my lab at school and I’ll assess your psychological profile, m-maybe we can find out what type of female you’re compatible with.

Skippy – I don’t care if she’s compatible as long as she’s human.

Scene 2 – (Lauren’s lab. Lauren is sitting at a table with a mouse running through a maze)

Lauren – Alright pal, one time around the maze then lunch.

(Skippy appears at doorway)

Lauren – (to mouse) c’mon it’s easy you can do it.

(Skippy shrugs and takes one step into the room, obviously thinking Lauren is talking to him)

Lauren – (to mouse) that’s it, that’s it, just a little further.

(Skippy shrugs again and takes another step)

Lauren – (to mouse) okay, now find the cheese.

(Skippy starts darting around the room looking)

Skippy – I don’t know where to start.

Lauren – Hi Skippy, I’ll be done in just a second. We’re trying to find the cheese.

Skippy – It’s right here. (Skippy takes the cheese out of the maze)

Lauren – Very Good. (Skippy starts eating the cheese) Skippy are you a little nervous?

Skippy – Ah, well, ah yes. Just a little though, um, I’m not too good with these things, when I was a kid, my parents sent me to a psychologist and then a week later he was spotted roller-skating naked through Woolworths.

Lauren – Well Skippy, I don’t skate and I’m sure this is going to go fine. Just relax, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Skippy – Oh I think you’re asking the wrong guy. Um, see I’m pretty much a mystery to me.

Lauren – Okay then we’ll both discover you at the same time. Skippy why don’t you tell me a little about your past relationships with women.

Skippy – Okay, um, well, you know about Amy. And before that there was, oh, let’s see, ahhh…nobody. Unless, of course, you count Mallory.

Lauren – What exactly was the nature of your relationship with Mallory?

Skippy – Somewhere in between close personal friend and dog.

Lauren – (laughs) you know, I’ve got to admit, I was a little nervous about doing this, I mean, because we’re friends and sometimes it’s hard to work with people you know really well, but I have to tell you, I feel very comfortable talking to you.

Skippy – I feel very comfortable talking to you too. I just wish I could be like this around other women.

Lauren – Well maybe you’re scared of women. Maybe you’re scared of relationships. Does the word love scare you?

Skippy – Well, maybe, I guess it depends on how it’s used in a sentence.

Lauren – How so?

Skippy – Well, “I love my mother” is fine, um, “We’d love to beat you up and take your bike” worries me.

Lauren – (laughs) okay, let me rephrase the question. Um, does the concept of being in love scare you?

Skippy – Not if I could find the right person.

Lauren – Well who’s the right person?

Skippy – Ah, someone who listens, someone who cares, someone who makes you feel funny, you know, like little sparklers are going off in your stomach.

Lauren – Go on, I’m listening.

Skippy – I guess that’s it. What do you look for in a guy?

Lauren – I-I guess it’s just the little things that affect me y’know, someone who’s not afraid to show affection. You know like a gentle pat or a squeeze of the arm (squeezes Skippy’s arm)

Skippy – (shudders) Oooh that is delightful.

Lauren – Well enough about me, let’s get back to you. What do you look for in a woman.

Skippy – Well, I suppose she’s pretty.

Lauren – What does she look like?

Skippy – (staring at Lauren) Well she’s got long, dark brown, lustrous hair, beautiful pale blue eyes, pink shell-like ears and-and cute little orange freckles across the bridge of her nose.

Lauren – Wow, she sounds like a knock-out.

Skippy – She is.

Scene 3 – (Living room, Jennifer and Elyse are sitting on the couch, Steven comes down the stairs)

Steven – So you ladies prepared for your adventure on wheels?

Elyse – Steven, don’t start.

Steven – Elyse I’m not, I just want to help. I happened to palm this “Ohio Driver’s handbook” and I thought I might give you a little quiz.

Jennifer – Dad I think we’ll be fine on our own.

Steven – Oh come on. (Laughs) This’ll be fun. (Looks in book) Here’s one. “When parking on a hill, which way do you turn your wheels?”

Elyse – Oh well, that’s easy. Towards the curb if the car is pointing down hill, away from the curb if the car is pointing up hill.

Steven – (nods) Very good Elyse.

Jennifer – That’s great mom, you really know your stuff.

Steven – Yeah, I’ll say (chuckles) let’s try another one shall we? “When making a right hand turn from a two lane street onto a three lane highway, does the car turning left onto the street or the car turning right onto the highway have the right of way?”

Elyse - …W-Let me think this one out-

Steven – Quickly Elyse. There’s no time here comes the tractor trail.

Elyse – If the car is actually on the street-

Steven – Too late Elyse! Alright, alright, let’s, uh, let’s try an easy one. “At what speed do you require a class three license to tow anhydrase ammonia?”

Elyse – That’s impossible, I don’t know that.

Steven – And you call yourself a driver.

Elyse – Do you think that you can do better?

Steven – Yes I do.

Elyse – Okay big boy, you got it.

Jennifer – Oh no mom, please don’t leave.

Elyse – No honey, I’m sorry, I-I cannot take the risk of what might happen on some wild night when you and your girlfriends decide to go out and tow ammonia!

(Elyse exits to kitchen)

Steven – Okay Jen, out to the garage for a few words about tyre pressure. (grabs her by the hand and starts leading her away)

(Mallory comes into living room from kitchen)

Jen – (tries to grab Mallory) Oh help, dad’s taking me to the garage- (Gets pulled away by Steven)

(Door bell rings)
(Mallory answers it, it’s Skippy)

Skippy – I really need to talk Mal.

Mallory – Yeah, I’ll get out of your way. (she starts walking upstairs)

Skippy – I meant to you.

Mallory – Oh! Oh, okay. What?

Skippy – Mallory, I’m having uncontrollable romantic feelings.

Mallory – Oh I knew it. (Claps) S-ki-p-py-y! (Stops clapping) Stop! You’ve got to stop pining for me. I mean, sure you’re lonely, yes I’m desirable. But it’s got to stop.

Skippy – It’s not you.

Mallory - …Oh, okay. That was really embarrassing.

Skippy – Well, sure I felt that way about you, once, but now you’re more like a sister to me, or even a brother, no, more like a third cousin on my mom’s side. Uncle Nester’s boy.

Mallory – It’s alright Skippy, I’m over it. What’s up?

Skippy – I think I’m in love with Lauren.

Mallory – Well that’s great. Lauren who?

Skippy – Lauren, of Alex and Lauren.

Mallory – That Lauren! Skippy are you crazy?!

Skippy – I know, I feel so guilty, I feel horrible.

Mallory – You should. How can you do this to Alex?

Skippy – I know, I know, there’s nothing you can say to me that I haven’t said to myself already.

Mallory – Have you said this “I’m a jerk!”

Skippy – I was much tougher on myself. It even got physical, twice I had to separate me. But she’s just the only thing on my mind, she’s the only thing I can think about, all day and all night, all I see is Lauren, Lauren, (Alex and Lauren enter through front door) Lau-ord I’m thirsty. (Grabs vase, takes flowers out of it and drinks the water) (Offers it around) Lauren?

Alex – Skippy perfect. You know we got some great news for you. Tell him hon.

Lauren – Alright, I hope you don’t mind, but I matched up your profile with some other women I know at school, and I got you a date. Alex and I are going to double with you. Isn’t this exciting? (She pats Skippy on the back and he just stares at her)

(Mallory looks at Alex. Alex nods)

Mallory – Skippy! (Slaps him)

Scene 4 – (Guido’s restaurant. Alex and Skippy are sitting at a table. Lauren enters with a girl)

Lauren – Hi guys. (Alex and Skippy stand up) Sorry we’re late. I guess I’m in charge of the introductions. Alex this is Pippi.

Alex – (Shakes Pippi’s hand) Hi Pippi.
Pippi – Hi.

Lauren – Pippi this is Skippy.
(Pippi and Skippy shake hands)

Pippi – My folks love “Pippi long-stockings” so…

Skippy – Oh, my folks love peanut butter so…

Alex – Well, Pippi and Skippy. If you two ever get married y-your kids could be er, Flippy, Snippy and Dippy.

Skippy – You look beautiful Lauren.

Lauren – Oh thank-you, thank-you. Don’t you think Pippi looks terrific?

Skippy – Pippi who?

Alex – (whispers to him) Pippi Long-stocking.

Skippy – Oh yes that Pippi. Of course, you look very nice. Very peppy Pippi.

(Skippy picks up the bread basket)

Skippy – Ah, bread anybody?

Pippi – (reaches for bread) Sure, I’ll-

Skippy – (Covers bread basket with hand) Hey now, don’t hog it! Lauren?

Lauren – No, thank-you.

Waiter – Are we ready to hear the specials?

Pippi – Sure.

Skippy – Well, would you wait just a minute, please! Lauren are you ready to hear the specials?

Lauren – I think so.

Alex – Wait a minute, wait a minute, I-I don’t think I’m ready yet (Alex does a weird shuddering gesture) Alright I’m ready.

Waiter – Tonight I have a lovely Veal scaloppine, a delightful little chicken in mustard sauce and of course there are a number of selections from our brand new, fresh seafood cart. (The seafood cart gets wheeled up to their table) We have lobster, crab, ruffian, schraut on ice and you can select the exact one that you’d like.

Lauren – Alright, I’ll have the lobster.

Pippi – I think I’ll have the lobster too.

Waiter – Ooh, I’m sorry, we only have one lobster left.

Lauren – Oh you go ahead Pippi.

Pippi – No that’s alright Lauren.

Skippy – (Reaches into seafood cart and grabs the lobster) Well uh, Lauren you get the lobster (He puts the lobster on Lauren’s plate) Pippi, you get the schraut (tosses a fish in Pippi’s lap) Alex?

Alex – (Angry) Flip me a Flounder Skip!

Pippi – (Stands up) I’ve got to go.

Alex – Oh you can’t go, its flying fish night at Guido’s.

Pippi – Its okay, I’ve lost my appetite.

Lauren – Alex would you drive her.

Alex – Yeah absolutely. I was the designated driver anyway. It’s funny, I thought I’d be driving someone home because they drank like a fish not got hit by one! Honey save me that lobster alright? (Kisses Lauren) See ya in a while.

Skippy – I had a very nice time Pippi, I hope we can do this again.

Pippi – I’ll bring my snorkel.

(Pippi and Alex exit the restaurant)

Lauren – Alright, I don’t want you to blame yourself. Everything was going fine, until you started throwing fish.

Skippy – It’s all my fault. I’m a stupid, clumsy oaf.

Lauren – You’re also sweet, sensitive and caring. I know what you’re problem is, you just tend to get overly excited around women. Your senses overload.

Skippy – That only happens around certain women.

Lauren – Well then, maybe Pippi’s still a good bet.

Skippy – Pippi wasn’t the only woman here tonight Lauren.

Lauren – That’s very sweet Skippy but what I meant was- (Skippy kisses Lauren. She pushes him off) Not that!

Skippy – I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Lauren – It sure felt like you helped yourself.

Skippy – I-I better go.

(Skippy runs out of the restaurant)

Scene 5 – I’m sorry if this scene doesn’t transfer well onto paper. As most of this scene is physical humour, it was hard to transcribe.

(Kitchen, Jennifer, Elyse, Mallory and Andy are present. Steven enters through swinging door. He is wearing traditional driving gloves, driving hat and a scarf.)

Steven – The Keaton driving school is now in session.

Elyse – So are some therapy groups I’d like you to visit.

Jennifer – Dad, would you mind if we didn’t go out for the first time at night, I mean its going to be hard enough in the day time.

Steven – Oh who said anything about a car? (He pulls two chairs out from the table and sets them up side by side in the middle of the kitchen, like a front seat of a car) We were going to simulate a driving lesson right here in the kitchen.

(Mallory makes a face and starts moving slowly towards the swinging door)

Steven – Ah, ah, ah, two more chairs and we have a back seat!

Andy – I can’t do this, I get carsick.

(Andy leaves through swinging door)

Steven – Okay, everybody in the car.

(Steven pretends to open the car door, everybody else just sits down. Jennifer is where the driver would be, Steven is in the front, passenger seat and Mallory and Elyse are in the back)

Steven – Don’t slam the door.

(Steven mimes putting on his seat belt)

Steven – Everybody buckled up?

(Everybody mimes putting their seatbelt on)

Steven – Here (fumbles with hand flipping through “keys”) Here you go (hands “keys” to Jennifer) Start the car.

(Jennifer turns the “keys” and starts the car)
(Jennifer pretends to drive)

Steven – Now pull carefully into the street, checking both ways for traffic…STOP!

(Mallory screams)

Steven – (Panting) you almost hit that bicycle.

Mallory – Jennifer! If you can’t drive more carefully I’m going to have to get out, drop me off at the Mall.

Steven – Everybody, everybody calm down. We’re in traffic now. Jennifer watch the road.

(Steven starts bouncing in his seat, smiling and waving to “people” outside the car. Everybody is looking at him strangely)

Steven – Take a left at the light.

Jennifer – Where’s the light? What light?

Steven – Its right (looks behind them and points behind them) there! You just ran a red light young lady.

Jennifer – Oh, uh-oh, there’s a cop behind us.

Steven – Where?

(Elyse whacks Steven on the back and points over her shoulder)
Elyse – Right there.

Jennifer – I’m going to try and lose him.

Steven – Jennifer no!

Elyse – Floor it Jen!

(Jennifer stamps the floor and everyone leans back on their seats. Steven looks very scared)

Steven – Jen!

Jennifer – Hold on!

(Jennifer turns the wheel, everyone falls to the left, screaming)

(Jennifer turns the wheel again, everyone falls to the right, screaming)

Jennifer – Oh no! The drawbridge is up.

(Everyone screams)
Everyone – No!
(Everyone falls forward and jumps back up again. They’re all breathing heavily)

Steven – (Panting) give me – those – keys.

(Jennifer takes the “keys” out of the ignition and hands them to Steven)

(Steven tries to stand up and falls back onto his chair. He mimes taking off his seatbelt)

(Steven gets out of the car and slams the “door” shut. Everyone jumps)

(Steven knocks on the air [“window”] to the side of Elyse’s face)

(Elyse winds down her “window” and puts her elbow over the side)

Steven – I’ve had it. You teach her! She’s too much of a daredevil for me. I quit.

Elyse – If you can’t take the heat (extends hand) get off the highway.

(Steven drops the “keys” into Elyse’s hand and exits through the pantry area)

(The girls do a three-way high five)

(They all put the chairs back and Elyse and Jennifer exit through the swinging door)

(Mallory is putting the chairs back at the table and Lauren and Alex enter through the outside door)

Lauren – This is all my fault. I did his profile, I should’ve seen this coming.

Mallory – Why? Wh-wh-what happened?

Alex – Ah Skippy flipped out at the restaurant. He tossed a schraut and kissed Lauren on the mouth.

Mallory – Well, good thing it wasn’t the other way round.

(Skippy knocks on the outside door)

Lauren – Oh that’s Skippy. Do you mind if I talked to him alone? He’d be crushed if he thought you knew.

Alex – Yeah that’s alright (Alex kisses Lauren)

(Alex and Mallory exit through swinging door)

(Lauren lets Skippy in)

Lauren – Hello Skippy.

Skippy – Hello Lauren.

Lauren – I’m glad you came over, I think we should talk.

Skippy – I think so too, and uh, since I have to catch a plane to the Artic Circle I’ll go first. I just want to let you know that wasn’t me who kissed you in that restaurant tonight that was my evil twin. Bad Irwin.

Lauren – Skippy, I think we should talk about what happened at the restaurant tonight.

Skippy – Okay. I’m sorry, it’s, I really am, its just that uh, well, you were so close and I started and um, I started to have these feelings.

Lauren – What Feeling?

Skippy – That I loved you.

Lauren – Oh Skippy, you don’t really love me. You just have this need to be loved by someone and you transferred that need to me.

Skippy – What’s wrong with me? I make a complete fool out of myself every time a girl is nice to me, tho-fortunately it doesn’t happen that often.

Lauren – W-when we were alone at the lab, you were charming and relaxed and funny! And I liked you and someone else will too. If you can be that way around me, you can be that way around anyone.

Skippy – Do you think so?

Lauren – All you gotta do is be yourself.

Skippy – Alright, I’ll give it one more year, but then I’m being somebody else. Well now there’s one more thing I have to do, which is um, talk to Alex. Alex?
(Alex throws the swinging door open as soon as Skippy calls his name)

Alex – Yes?

Lauren – I think I’ll leave you two guys alone.

(Lauren exits through the pantry area)

Skippy – Alex there’s something I have to tell you. I, uh, fell in love with Lauren. But we talked it over and I’m getting over it and this will in no way affect you two or your happiness.

Alex – (Looks shocked) you fell in love with Lauren?...woah…woah Skippy this is uh,..This is a shocker. I mean um, I’m not sure exactly what to say. (Starts “crying”) I mean it’s pretty painful…It’s a pretty painful thing to spring on a fella…And I’m just going to need some time, to absorb it…and get over it. (Alex bows his head and looks like he’s crying, he looks at his watch) (Stops “crying”) Alright I’m over it.

(Alex high fives Skippy)

Alex – Oh Skip, hey, don’t worry because somewhere out there is a wonderful girl for you.

Skippy – Everyone keeps telling me this, where the hell is she?

(Mallory enters through pantry area and looks from Alex to Skippy)

Mallory – Oh no! (Runs out, Skippy starts to follow her)

THE END

Scene 1:
Classroom: Alex, Mallory, other students and Mr. Winkler, the teacher, are present. Alex is pacing back and forth.

Alex: I can't believe this. Is that the fastest he can count votes?

Howie: Alex will you relax.

Alex: I can't relax. Being editor is important to me.

Howie: You're going to be the new editor. I can feel it.

Alex: How can you be so sure?

Howie: You ran unopposed.

Mallory: I didn't vote for him.

Howie: How did you mark your ballet?

Mallory: Not him.

Alex: Thanks for your confidence.

Mr. Winkler: All right, everybody. Let me have your attention please. Here are the results of today's election. (reading): In the balloting for editor, Alex P. Keaton, 21, Not him, 17. I give you the new editor of the Harding Hara Alex Keaton.

Alex shakes hands with Mr. Winkler.

Alex: And thanks to all of you for giving me this opportunity.

Alex takes out a piece of paper from his shirt pocket.

Alex: (reading): The history of journalism is as old as the history of history itself.

Everyone looks bored.

Alex: Since the invention of moveable type, in the middle fifteenth century, --

The bell rings. Almost everyone hurrys out.

Mr. Winkler: It sounded great Alex. It's too bad that bell cut you off like that.

Alex: Mr. Winkler, do you want to hear the rest of my speech?

Mr. Winkler: Well, it's just a matter of, how can I phrase this, no I don't want to hear it.

Alex: You know, I have some big plans for this paper. I'm going to put the Harding Herald on the map.

Mr. Winkler: The name of the paper is the Harding Hara Alex.

Alex: Oh, well yeah, that's the first thing. See we have to change that. See it's not a real dynamic name you know. None of the big city ones have that name. There's no New York Hara, or Detroit Free Hara.

Mr. Winkler: Alex, let me give you some advice, will you? We've got a good little paper here. Don't rock the boat.

Alex: Good little paper. Mr. Winkler, last year's biggest story was Math Team Gets New Sweatsuits.

Mr. Winkler: Yeah, it was an exclusive Alex. I'm still getting letters on that one.

Alex: There's a choice to be made here Mr. Winkler. We could continue trudging along with feet of clay printed unimportant dribble or we can reach out for immortality. Which would you rather do?

Mr. Winkler: Stick with the dribble.

Mr. Winkler leaves the classroom.

Howie: Alex, did you really mean what you said about printing serious stories?

Alex: You bet I did.

Howie: What if I told you I've been assigned to work part time in the principal's office and I have access to everything that comes in there.

Alex: I'd say the principal is crazy, but I'd tell you to keep talking.

Howie: Ok, but if I do, you have to promise not to let on how you found out.

Alex: Hey, when you drilled that whole in the girl's bathroom. Did I tell anyone?

Howie: You told everybody.

Alex: Ok, but I wasn't editor then.

Howie: Ok, how do the words scandal and coverup sound to you?

Alex: Beautiful.

Howie: Then listen to this. I'm sure you're aware that our highest has the highest grade point average in the district.

Alex: Yeah, it comes under the category of unexplained phenomena.

Howie: You know how we achieved that honor? By cheating. Ralph Rapaport, got hold of a copy of the algebra final and twenty-seven students were caught buying it. The principal's sitting on this story because he doesn't want to loose his number one rating.

Alex: This is fantastic. I mean it's terrible. It's disgraceful. Let's just be glad it happened here.

Howie: I've got a lot of stuff on this in my locker. I've got a memo from the principal, I have copies of the exam, --

Alex: Names, Howie, we need names.

Howie: I don't think you need names Alex. No, you can do this story without names.

Alex: Yeah, of course we could do the story without them, but I think names would really spice it up.

Howie: Alex, one of those names is the same as yours.

Alex: Alex Freedman is on that list?

Howie: Not the same first name. The same last name.

Alex; Mallory?

Howie: That's the one.

Scene 2:
Kitchen: Alex, Mallory and Jennifer are present. Mallory is sitting at the kitchen table. Alex comes into the kitchen through the backdoor and Jennifer gets up from the table. Jennifer is holding a soccer ball.

Jennifer: Hey Alex, you want to go practice soccer with me?

Jennifer bounces the soccer ball like a basketball.

Alex: No, last time I practiced soccer with you I was black and blue the next day.

Jennifer tosses the ball at Alex.

Jennifer: I'll take it easy on you this time.

Alex hands the soccer ball back to Jennifer.

Alex: Ok, go ahead outside and start without me. I'll be there in a minute.

Jennifer: You promise?

Alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah, just go on outside ok?

Jennifer: Don't humor me Alex.

Jennifer goes outside through the backdoor.

Alex: Listen, Mallory I have to talk to you about something.

Mallory: Can't it wait Alex. I'm really busy.

Alex: Well, this is kind of important. See I found out about the algebra test. I know you cheated on it.

Mallory: How did you find out? Nobody's supposed to know about that.

Alex: Hey, I happen to be editor of the Harding Herald. It's my job to know.

Mallory stands up.

Mallory: Alex, you haven't told anyone have you?

Alex: No.

Mallory: Good, whatever you do, don't tell Mom and Dad ok?

Alex: Ok.

Mallory: In fact, don't tell anyone, because they could tell their parents and then they could tell Mom and Dad.

Alex: Ok.

Mallory: So, you'll keep this absolutely quiet. You won't tell anyone at all.

Alex: Ok, I can go along with that except for one minor exception.

Mallory: What?

Alex: It may be the lead story in tomorrow's school paper.

Mallory: (dramatically): What are you crazy?

Alex: Mallory, the principal is covering up a scandal here and I think the people have a right to know.

Mallory: Alex, you can't print that!

Steven and Elyse enter the kitchen through the backdoor. They are carrying grocery bags.

Steven: Can't print what?

Alex: Oh, it's a story about the football team.

Mallory: The Prom!

Elyse: Which is it?

Alex: The Prom.

Mallory: The football team.

Alex: It's a prom for the football team.

Steven: Why are they having a prom in November?

Alex: To beat the June rush. It's a practice prom. If it works out then they will have the real one in June. Ok, that's not what it's about. There's this big story brewing at school and I'm not sure whether or not I should print it.

Elyse: What's it about?

Alex: Well, I'm not sure you need to know what it's about.

Mallory: You definitely don't need to know what it's about.

Steven: Well, what's the problem then?

Alex: The problem is I have a story that will shake the entire school district to it's very foundations.

Steven: Well, that doesn't seem like a problem necessarily.

Alex: But, if I print it, some people might get hurt.

Mallory: Some innocent defenseless people.

Steven: Ah huh. I see, well we certainly don't want that to happen. Do we?

Alex: I understand we don't want to hurt people's feelings, but isn't there a greater responsibility to be served here?

Steven: That's definitely true.

Mallory: Whose side are you on Dad?

Steven: I'm not on anybody's side. I hardly know what we're talking about.

Alex: The details aren't important. The issue is this. If there's important information being covered up by people in high places, isn't it the responsibility of a journalist to uncover it?

Elyse: Absolutely. It's important for the press to keep an eye on the people in power to make sure they don't abuse it. A good example is when Woolberg and Bernstein exposed Watergate.

Steven: Your Mother's right. There is no higher standard in journalism then truth.

Mallory: What if the truth embarrasses people?

Steven: Well, sometimes that's an unfortunate consequence. Alex, whether or not you print the story is ultimately your decision. As I look back over the history of journalism I can point to endless dilemmas to this nature.

Mallory exits the kitchen through the swinging door.

Steven: But, just remember ever since the invention of moveable type in the fifteenth century.

Alex leaves the kitchen through the swinging door. Steven puts something in the refrigerator. He turns around to see that he's the only one still in the kitchen.

Scene 3:
Classroom:
Alex and Mr. Winkler are present.

Mr. Winkler: Alex, I've read your story of the cheating scandal. Very well done.

Alex: Thanks.

Mr. Winkler: Excellent report.

Alex: Great.

Mr. Winkler: I think your documentation is flawless, your conclusions are well thought out.

Alex: Wow.

Mr. Winkler: It's a pity we can't print it.

Alex: Perfect. What do you mean we can't print it?

Mr. Winkler: This is a private matter between the principal and the offending students. I don't think it's our place to interfere and I know he doesn't want any publicity on it now.

Alex: But, this is a major newstory. The public has a right to know.

Mr. Winkler: Not in this case. Alex, let me tell you something. The principal of a high school is always right. If Dr. Shirley believes the world is flat, which he does by the way, then the world is flat. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Alex: Yeah, but that's censorship. Just what kind of things do you want us to print?

Mr. Winkler: Well, that story about the sweatsuits was interesting.

Mr. Winkler exits the classroom.

Alex: Did you hear that? I can't believe it.

Howie: He's scared. The principal could get mad and punish him.

Alex: You don't think he'd fire Mr. Winkler do you?

Howie: He'd do worse. Last year when he got mad at Mr. Peabody he made him teach sex education to the kids with behavior problems. It's not easy talking about the birds and bees when someone's throwing a hubcap at you.

Alex: If I sit on this story, I'm going to be just as guilty as the kids who cheated.

Howie: What are you going to do?

Alex: I'm going to print it.

Howie: Aren't you forgetting that Mallory's on that list?

Alex: Howie, I'm not forgetting. Truth is the highest standard in journalism. Like I said print it.

Scene 4:
Classroom: Students are present. Everyone is talking. Alex enters and the room becomes silent.

Alex; Morning everyone.

Several students head toward the door and leave.

Alex: Hey, hey. What's the story? Maybe I should have phrased that differently?

Howie: I don't think it would have helped.

Alex: What's going on Howie?

Howie: Let me put it this way, if you were ever thinking of leaving school and joining the circus, now would be a good time.

Alex: I don't understand. Why are they mad at me?

Howie: They think you're a fink.

Alex: But, I was exposing a cover up.

Howie: The coverup's not the point. It's the people underneath the covers. You listed every person's name. Now their teaches have to look at them like they're cheaters and the principal has to suspend them.

Alex: I never thought of it that way. I expected Dr. Shirley to be mad, but--

Howie: He is mad. He's madder than the time when Ralph Rapport gave that speech to the PTA in drag.

Alex: I'm afraid to ask this, but how did Winkler take it?

Howie: I'm not sure. He lost the power of speech after he saw the article.

Dr. Winkler comes opens the door and it slams against the wall. He points at Alex. He looks very angry.

Alex: I think he's recovered it.

Mr. Winkler: (tosses the paper down): Alex, I think you owe me an explanation.

Alex: Mr. Winkler, I'm sorry I had to disobey you. I really am, but I felt it was my duty as editor to publish the story.

Mr. Winkler: As of this moment, you are relieved of your duties as editor. You are through Alex! I don't want you to write for this paper anymore. Come to think of it, I don't want you to even read it.

Mr. Winkler grabs the paper out of Alex's hand.

Mr. Winkler: (pointing at Alex): I'll tell you something else, if Shirley makes me teach sex education to students with behavior problems, I'm bringing you along as a model.

Mr. Winkler storms out of the classroom and slams the door behind him.

Howie: In answer to your question Alex, I don't think he took it very well.

Alex: I got to find Mallory.

Howie: No, no, you think that's a good idea--

Alex: Mallory's my sister. I think she knows I had a good reason for doing what I did.

Mallory opens the classroom door and it hits the wall. Mallory walks into the room.

Alex: Mallory, I was just going to look for you. I want to talk to you about the story.

Mallory: Don't talk to me Alex, ever again.

Mallory walks out of the classroom and slams the door behind her.

Alex: How much does the circus pay?

Scene 5:
Kitchen:
Steven and Elyse are standing next to the kitchen table. Mallory is sitting at the table.

Steven: (holding a paper) Is this true Mallory? Did you buy a copy of the test?

Mallory: Actually I didn't buy it. Ralph Rapport gave me one for free. I think he likes me.

Elyse: Hey, look Mallory, this is serious. Don't you realize that?

Mallory: A lot of kids did it. It didn't seem like that big of a deal.

Steven: Well, it is a big deal and I think you owe us more of an explanation.

Mallory: Would you be happier if I had failed the test?

Steven: We'd be happier if you failed on your own then gotten an A by cheating.

Elyse: If you hadn't of cheated, would you of failed?

Mallory: No. I'd probably have gotten a C.

Elyse: So, a C's nothing to be a shamed of. Your father got lots of C's when he was in school.

Steven: That's right. If you keep, wait, I wouldn't say lots of C's. Occasionally a C crept in. I don't remember exactly, but in college over all I think I had a 3.248 average.

Mallory: That's exactly what I mean. Grades are important to you. How would you feel if Alex came home with a C?

Steven: Alex wouldn't come home with a C. He'd still be there arguing with the teacher.

Mallory stands up.

Mallory: Alex wouldn't get a C, because Alex doesn't get C's.

Elyse: Why don't we leave Alex out of this?

Mallory: Well, I can't leave him out of it, because he's part of it.

Steven: What do you mean?

Mallory: (crying): You don't realize it, but it's not easy being Alex's sister. I mean every time I walk into a classroom. It's always the same thing. Mallory Keaton, are you any relation to Alex Keaton?

Mallory puts her hand out about a foot shorter than her to indicate Alex's height.

Mallory: I say I am, and then when I turn in my homework for the first time, there's always this surprised reaction. Are you sure you're Alex Keaton's sister?

Mallory puts her hand out again to indicate Alex's height, but this time her hand is even lower.

Mallory: Well, for once, just once, I wanted to get a better grade then him.

Scene 6:
Kitchen:
Elyse and Steven are present. Jennifer enters the kitchen through the backdoor.

Jennifer: Mom do we have another soccer ball?

Elyse: What happened to the one you were playing with?

Jennifer: I gave it to Mrs. Obeck next door. It was kind of a surprise.

Steven: It must have been. She's sixty-one years old.

Jennifer: I think the surprise was in the way it was delivered.

Elyse puts her hands on Jennifer's shoulders and leans down to Jennifer's eye level.

Elyse: You didn't break Mrs. Obeck's kitchen window again did you?

Jennifer: No, I broke her bedroom window.

Jennifer puts her hands on Elyse's arms.

Jennifer: (quickly): But, I'll pay for it.

Steven: How?

Elyse takes her hands off Jennifer's shoulders and Jennifer removes her hands from Elyse's arms.

Jennifer: With the advance in my allowance that I'm about to ask for.

Steven gets up from the kitchen table.

Steven: We'll talk about this later. Right now, you better go apologize to Mrs. Obeck.

Jennifer: Ok, but I won't be back for a while. Mrs. Obeck always makes me listen to Lawrence Welk records with her.

Jennifer runs over to the backdoor to where Alex is standing.

Jennifer: Hey Alex, do you want to go over to Mrs. Obeck's with me?

Alex: No, I'm not really in the mood for Lawrence Welk thanks.

Jennifer goes outside and closes the backdoor. Mallory gets up from the kitchen table as soon as Alex comes inside. Mallory runs out of the kitchen through the swinging door.

Alex: I guess she told you?

Steven: She's pretty upset Alex.

Alex: The whole school is upset. The kids hate me. Winkler fired me. The principal yelled at me for two hours and when he left the room for twenty minutes he had the secretary come in and yell.

Steven: Was printing the story worth all that Alex?

Alex: Dad, don't you remember what you said to me yesterday? You yourself said that there's no higher standard in journalism then truth.

Steven: I was speaking in general terms Alex.

Alex: You're the ones who said that the press has to keep an eye on the people in power and Dr. Shirley abused his when he tried to kill the story.

Elyse: We're not concerned about Dr. Shirley. We're worried about Mallory. She's going to be suspended for a few days and she's been embarrassed in front of the teachers and her friends.

Alex: Wouldn't it have been hypercritical of me to pull the story because I wanted to protect my sister?

Steven: Alex, when I spoke to you about the importance of truth I left out something just as important. Compassion.

Alex: Compassion? How much compassion did you feel when Woodworm and Bernstein exposed the Watergate coverup?

Steven: Well I--

Alex: Did you feel sorry for Nixon?

Steven: Yeah! I felt sorry for him.

Elyse looks confused.

Steven: Ok, I admit. We had a few people over. We may have opened a bottle of champagne, or two. We sang some songs, but in between the dancing and the fireworks we all felt a twinge of sympathy for the man.

Alex: That's hardly a seminar in compassion.

Elyse: The situations are not comparable Alex. Nixon was a public official who betrayed the trust of an entire country.

Alex: That's a matter of opinion.

Elyse: These are kids who cheated on an Algebra test. Now I'm not saying it's right, but it's not an impeachable offense.

Alex: What is wrong with you guys? There was a coverup going on.

Steven: Alex, I think you had another option, that's all.

Alex: What was that?

Steven: To print the story on the coverup, without including all the names.

Alex walks to the swinging door and then turns around.

Alex: I never wanted to hurt anybody.

Scene 7:
Mallory's room:
Mallory is laying on her bed. Jennifer opens the door.

Jennifer: Can I come in?

Mallory: Is the fink with you?

Jennifer looks around.

Jennifer: No, no finks.

Mallory: All right, come on in.

Jennifer: I've got some news that will cheer you up.

Jennifer lays down on Mallory's bed.

Mallory: Alex moved out?

Jennifer: No, not quite as good. My team won the soccer game.

Mallory: (glumly): Congratulations.

Jennifer: I scored a goal with my head.

Mallory: Jen, I'm really happy for you.

Jennifer: I also scored a goal with someone else's head.

Mallory: If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone ok?

Jennifer: Look, I know you're feeling low right now, but I just want you to know two things.

Mallory: What are they?

Jennifer: First, I think you're a great sister. You make me laugh. You make me feel like you really care about me and you're fun to be with.

Mallory: (smiles): Thanks.

Jennifer: And the other thing I want you to know is--

Jennifer gets up from the bed and runs over to the door.

Jennifer: Alex wants to talk to you and he's waiting outside.

Jennifer opens the door. Alex is standing there with flowers in his hands.

Mallory: You should have stopped after the first one.

Alex: Can I come in?

Mallory: No, go away.

Alex comes into the room.

Mallory sits up on the bed.

Mallory: Thanks for respecting my wishes.

Jennifer: Try to go easy on each other. I don't want to be an only child.

Jennifer leaves the room.

Mallory: Are those for me? Are you trying to make up or antagonize me?

Alex: Come on. I didn't have time to buy new flowers. Besides, it's the thought that counts.

Mallory: Couldn't you have just had the thought delivered?

Alex closes the bedroom door.

Alex: I know you feel bad about getting caught cheating. It's embarrassing. It's humiliating. It's shameful.

Mallory: So far, this isn't the greatest apology I've ever heard.

Alex: Ok, I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have printed your name or any of the names. I was just so excited to be elected editor. I guess that I just got carried away.

Mallory: Yeah, you carried me away with you.

Alex: Why did you do it Mallory? If you were having trouble, you should have come to see me. I'm great in math.

Mallory stands up.

Mallory: That's the problem. You are and I'm not.

Alex: So, I would have helped you.

Mallory: You always laugh at me Alex.

Alex: No I don't. I may chuckle. An occasional gafa.

Mallory sits down in a chair.

Mallory: You don't realize how hard it is to be your sister. I mean a guy that's gotten straight A's since sand box.

Alex: You could have done better too, if you had just applied yourself.

Alex sits down on Mallory's bed.

Alex: Look, maybe there's some therapy group you can join for sister's of geniuses.

Mallory: Thanks a lot Alex.

Alex: We've both made mistakes and we're both hurting because of them. But, I don't think it's going to do either of us any good to hate each other.

Alex stands up.

Alex: Maybe we should help each other instead.

Mallory: How?

Alex: I can help you with your homework.

Alex picks up a textbook.

Alex: Then you wouldn't have to cheat again.

Mallory: What do you want me to do for you? Clean your room? Dust your calculators?

Alex: No, all I want is for you to be my friend that's all.

Mallory: I'd rather dust your calculators.

Alex: Come on, friends again?

Alex extends his hand. Mallory extends her hand and digs her nails into his hand.

Alex: Ouch! You dug your nails into my hand.

Mallory: (playing innocent): Oh did I? So sorry.

Alex: Come on lets do your homework.

Alex tosses the textbook on Mallory's bed.

Mallory: No Alex, you're just going to make fun of me.

Alex is sitting on the bed.

Alex: I am not. Now what are you studying.

Mallory: (Not thrilled): Math.

Mallory gets up from the chair.

Alex: How did you do on your last test?

Mallory: (rolls her eyes): I got an A.

Mallory lays down on the bed.

Mallory: All right, here's where we are now.

Mallory turns pages in the textbook. Mallory is holding a pencil. She begins to write as Alex starts to read.

Alex: Ok, this is good. (reading) Two trains leave central station at noon. One's heading East traveling at eighty-two miles an hour. The other one is traveling at sixty-seven miles an hour.

Mallory: What kind of trains are they?

Alex: What do you mean what kind of trains are they? That has nothing to do with the problem. It's not important.

Mallory: Ok.

Alex: Ok. The East bound train stops three times for a total of one hour and the West bound is an express and it doesn't stop at all. So after six hours which train has traveled the furthest distance? All right, you ready?

Mallory: Yeah, how many trains did you say there were? (smiles): I'm kidding. How many?

Alex: Two.

Mallory: Are they going East or West?

Alex: It doesn't matter.

Mallory: Of course it matters. Say your family lives in California and your going South you don't want them to end up in Maine.

Alex gets up from Mallory's bed.

Alex: You're absolutely right. I don't know why I didn't say anything.

Mallory: Ok, the first train's going?

Alex: Eighty-two Mallory.

Mallory: Right, eighty-two.

Mallory is writing.

Mallory: And the second train's going?

Alex: Sixty-seven.

Mallory: Right, sixty-seven.

Alex leaves the room.

Mallory: Why didn't they just take a plane?

The End.

Christmas Story Transcript (Season 1)

Scene 1:
Livingroom:
Elyse comes downstairs carrying suitcases. Steven is standing by the coat closet.

Steven: Elyse, I can't believe all this luggage. There shouldn't be more suitcases then members of the family.

Elyse puts on a coat. Steven is already wearing a coat, scarf and a hat.

Elyse: I don't know how to break this to you Steven, but these are Mallory's. Ours are still upstairs.

Jennifer, Alex and Mallory come downstairs with suitcases.

Jennifer: Let's hit those slopes.

Steven: Mallory where are your skis?

Mallory grabs her coat.

Mallory: Skis? Why would I bring skis?

Elyse: It's a ski trip.

Elyse puts on a scarf.

Mallory: Oh, that's the outdoor part Mom.

Mallory puts on her coat and so does Alex.

Mallory: Let's not forget the great indoors. Parties, boys, games, boys.

A Christmas tree can be seen in the livingroom.

Steven: I'll get your skis.

Jennifer: Are you going to ski with me this year Alex?

Alex: No way Jennifer. I tried skiing with you last year and it didn't work out.

Jennifer: I'll stay on the bunny slope with you this time. I promise.

Alex: That's what you said last year and as soon as we got up there you dragged me off to Dead Man's Goltch. Why do you always have to ski the top?

Jennifer: Because it's there.

Jennifer snaps her coat closed.

Steven comes back downstairs.

Steven: Ok, this should do it. Everybody grab a bag or two and lets go.

Elyse: Ok.

Everyone grabs stuff and heads toward the front door. Steven opens it and the snow is blowing hard.

Steven: It's coming down pretty hard.

Elyse: Well, what do you want to do?

Steven: I say we all make a run for it. Ready?

Everyone: Ok.

Steven: Ok, bundle up.

Mallory grabs her skis.

Steven: Ok let's go.

They all head out the door.

Elyse: Here we go.

Elyse turns off the light and closes the door.

Elyse opens the door back up.

Elyse: Here we come.

Elyse turns the light back on. Everyone comes back inside. They put the stuff down. Steven closes the door.

Steven: (teeth chattering): Maybe we could go away for the Fourth Of July instead.

Elyse: Well, maybe the storm will pass in a few minutes. Meanwhile, we'll have to stay here.

Elyse takes her coat off.

Alex: Stay here?

Mallory: For Christmas?

Elyse: It will be nice. Just the family at home in front of the fire.

Alex: What are we a Hallmark card?

Steven: Sounds good to me.

Elyse: Maybe we all could open up a few Christmas gifts early.

Mallory and Jennifer take off their coats.

Jennifer: Now you're talking my kind of Christmas.

Alex: I don't know. I'm against this. Tradition says you don't open presents until Christmas morning. Hey, is that big blue one for me?

Mallory slaps Alex's hand.

Mallory: Keep your tiny little hands off that. That's my present to Mom.

Elyse picks up a present.

Elyse: Steven I want you to open this one first. It's from me to you. Well, really it's for the whole family.

Elyse hands the gift to Steven and sits down on the edge of the couch. Jennifer, Alex and Mallory sit down on the couch.

Jennifer: Oh no, another whole family gift? Not another trash compactor.

Steven opens up the gift.

Steven: A photo album and unless I missed my guess there's a brand new camera to go along with it.

Elyse: No, no camera.

Steven: Oh, just an album huh? No camera?

Elyse: Just the album. Don't you remember we said we we're going to be creative this year and make gifts instead of spending a lot of money Christmas shopping?

Steven: I know we said it. I just didn't know we meant it.

Elyse: Just open the album.

Steven opens the album.

Steven: Hey! Peace Core pictures.

Alex: I'd rather have a trash compactor.

They all gather around the coffee table to look at the pictures.

Steven: Where did you dig this up?

Elyse: Well, that's the surprise. See, the whole album is filled with pictures from the time we met to the present.

Steven: Oh, thank you honey. That's very sweet.

Jennifer: Hey, look there's one of Alex as a baby. Why is he wearing a tie?

Elyse: Those are beads.

Jennifer: Alex wearing beads? I want this one enlarged.

Alex: Hey, look it wasn't my choice to be born in Africa.

Scene 2:
Fade in on flashback.
Screen says 'Africa 1965'

Steven and Elyse enter a cabin. Elyse is pregnant.

Elyse: Oh, I've got to sit down.

Steven: Me too.

Steven sits down and Elyse looks at him.

Steven: Oh, I'm sorry.

Steven gets up.

Steven: Are you ok?

Elyse: Yeah, is it hot or is it just me?

Elyse sits down. Steven looks at the thermostat.

Steven: Oh, it's 109, it's just you.

Elyse fans herself.

Elyse: Did you happen to hear the weather forecast for tomorrow?

Steven: I did Elyse. It's going to cool off a little tomorrow. They say the old Mercury will be dipping down to about 105. The humidity should be about minus fourteen.

Elyse: Is it at least a record breaking drought we're living hun?

Steven: No, it was a longer one last year. In fact, this is still last year's drought.

Elyse: Sorry I brought it up. I shouldn't talk about it. The more I talk about it the more it bothers us.

Steven: You're right. Let's not bring up the drought again.

Knock at the door. Max enters.

Max: Dry enough for you?

Elyse: Nah.

Max: I'm sorry Elyse. The drought is really starting to get to me. It's not just me either. I saw a camel buying an airline ticket.

Steven: Look Max, it's not that bad. Don't forget, tomorrow the villagers are doing that big rain dance.

Max: I'm glad you told me. I was going to wash my car. Look we can't let them go through with this rain ceremony can we?

Steven: Why not? It sounds fascinating.

Max: It's ridiculous. Look, I want to see the end to this drought as much as the next man, but we can't have the people going off and performing some crazy ritual that perpetuates super stision and fear.

Elyse: Why not?

Max: It gives me the willies.

Elyse: There's something to be said for the way of life the way it is.

Elyse gets up from the chair and walks over to the bed.

Elyse: They live in harmony with nature. They live a close intimate connection to the land. You can't take that away and just give them a toaster oven and an alarm clock in return.

Elyse falls back on the bed.

Max: How about we throw in some flashlights? Some of those guys get a big kick out of that stuff.

Max sits down in a chair.

Steven: Can I ask you a personal question?

Elyse groans.

Max: Hey it's a tough speech to remember.

Steven: Here comes the baby scream.

Elyse screams.

Steven: I'm going to take that as a yes. Max, can you go get Dr. Ellis? Please?

Max gets up from the chair.

Max: Sure.

Steven: Ok, honey, hold on I'm coming.

Max: Ok, I think I remember it now. It's ask not what your country--

Steven: Max!

Max: Ok.

Max leaves.

Steven: Are you feeling ok?

Elyse: Fine, I'm just a little nervous.

Steven puts a cloth over Elyse's forehead.

Steven: Ok, relax. Try to take your mind off of this.

Elyse: Oh, ok.

Steven: So, read any good books lately?

Elyse: Groans.

Steven: Forget books. What about movies?

Elyse: We haven't seen a movie in ten months Steven.

Steven: Elyse, do you realize what's going to happen. We're going to have a baby.

Elyse: I know.

Steven: It doesn't feel real.

Elyse: It does from here.

It starts storming.

Steven: Elyse. It's raining! Come on out here.

Elyse: I'm busy Steven!

Steven: Oh, it's a miracle!

Steven leans out the window and gets wet from the rain.

Elyse: Oh, let me have a sip of your sleeve.

Steven puts his head on Elyse's stomach.

Steven: We're going to be a mother Elyse. I mean we're not both going to be a mother. I mean one of us is going to be the mother and the other one will be the father.

Elyse: I'll be the mother ok?

Steven: I don't want to be the kind of father who says (points at Elyse's stomach): do this. Don't do that. Eat all your peas. Eat all my peas. I think we should treat him or her as autonomous individual with a unique personality and one--

Elyse: Steven.

Steven: What?

Elyse: Please shut up.

Steven: You look beautiful.

Elyse: So do you.

Steven: What a day.

The ceiling starts leaking. Steven holds up a pan to catch the rain.

Steven: Let's try to remember every detail.

Elyse: I don't think it will be easy to forget.

Scene 3:
Fade back to present time.
Livingroom: Steven, Elyse, Mallory, Alex and Jennifer are present. They are still sitting around the coffee table.

Jennifer: So what happened next?

Steven: I don't remember, do you Elyse?

Elyse: No. Well, of course I remember. Dr. Ellis came and pretty soon Alex was born. He was a pretty big hit over there too. Everyone thought he was so cute.

Mallory: Must have been the heat.

Mallory gets up and sits in the chair next to the couch.

Mallory: Boy, am I glad that I was born right here in the USA. I'd hate to think I started out life where they'd never heard of a clearance sale.

Steven: No, when you were born there were other problems.

Scene 4:
Fade in on flashback.
Screen says 'Berkley Calif. 1967'
Hospital: Elyse is in a hospital bed. The doctor and nurse are present.

Doctor: Well, Mrs. Keaton, you are definitely in labor. Lucky for you I majored in labor relations. See that's a play on the word labor. it's a joke.

Elyse: I know it's a joke. I didn't think it was funny.

Doctor: Well, I won't belabor it. That's one too.

Steven enters the room.

Steven: Is everything ok doctor?

Doctor: Well, I've got this pulled muscle in my leg, but other than that I'm fine.

Doctor: I'm Dr. Waxman.

Steven and the doctor shake hands.

Steven: I'm Steven Keaton.

Doctor: Nice to meet you. Your wife is doing just fine.

Steven: Oh good.

Doctor: Wait a minute. Stevie Keaton? Camp Kiahoka right?

Steven: Right.

Doctor: Well, don't you remember me? I'm Larry Waxman.

Steven; Larry Waxman. Crazy Larry Waxman!

Steven and the doctor hug and make some kind of noise/chant.

Elyse: My baby's going to be delivered by someone named Crazy Larry?

Doctor: Hey, Stevie. Camp song ok?

Steven and the doctor start singing.

Steven and Larry: We'll be going to Kiahoka when we go, when we go. When we get there then we'll be there and we'll know, then we'll know. We'll be roasting those marshmallows with those gals and all those fellows when we go to Kiahoka when we go, when we go.

Elyse: Campers go back to your cabins. We're having a baby here remember?

Steven: I'm sorry Elyse.

Doctor: It's just that I don't get to sing that song too often.

Elyse: You can sing anything you want tomorrow. You can record it tomorrow.

Doctor: Steve, I want you to know that this baby stuff is easy. You've got nothing to worry about. It's a breeze. Routine procedure.

Steven sits down in a chair.

Doctor: You're going to pull through this just fine.

Steven: I know. This is my second baby.

Doctor: Really? It's my first.

Elyse: Boys. You who. Remember me? I'm the one having the baby.

Doctor: Well, everything seems to be ok.

Steven: Feel all right honey?

Steven gets up from the chair.

Elyse: Yeah, fine. What about the test?

Doctor: You don't need a test. You're pregnant. I'm sure of it.

Elyse: Steven, has a poly-sci final in about twenty minutes.

Steven: I can skip it.

Elyse: You can't skip it.

Steven: I can't leave here.

Doctor: Steve, it's going to be awhile. It could be hours. It could be tomorrow.

Elyse: Honey I think you should go. I'd feel better if you did. I'll be fine.

Steven: Are you sure?

Doctor: Steve, you go take that final. Kiahoka guys don't skip finals.

Steven: All right. Are you sure it's ok?

Elyse: I'm sure baby.

Steven: I'll be back just as soon as I can. Remember when they showed us that movie psycho?

Doctor: Oh sure, that's what made me want to be a doctor.

Steven and the doctor exit the room.

Steven and the doctor can be heard singing.

Steven and the doctor: We'll be roasting those marshmallows with those gals and--

Elyse screams.

Elyse: Steven! Nurse! Crazy Larry!

Scene 5:
Fade back to present time.
Livingroom: Elyse has a tray with tea on it.

Mallory: I was delivered by a guy named Crazy Larry?

Alex: That explains a lot.

Jennifer: Did Dr. Crazy hear you call for him Mommy?

Elyse: Yeah, and the funny thing was that he turned out to be a terrific doctor.

Alex: How did you do on the poly-sci test Dad?

Steven: Not to well. For name the Bulshwish leaders I put Mallory if it's a girl and Lennon if it's a boy. I got partial credit.

Jennifer gets up from the couch and walks over to the window. Mallory sits down in the chair next to the couch.

Jennifer: Boy, it's coming down harder then ever.

Alex: Ah great. Now we're going to be stuck here together.

Steven: I don't think stuck is the appropriate word Alex.

Steven stands up.

Alex: Ok, trapped.

Jennifer, Steven, and Mallory are standing at the window.

Mallory: Dad, it's light flurry's that's all. We can make it.

Steven: I can't even see the car from here.

Mallory: Dad, you don't understand. Donny Heyes is up there waiting for me. His family went last night.

Elyse: Mallory, you don't want your whole family to risk their lives just so you can meet Donny Heyes do you?

Mallory: No. Maybe Alex could drive me.

Mallory sits down in the chair next to the couch. Mallory drinks some tea.

Steven: Maybe we could open up a few more presents. If we're going to be in all night.

Steven picks up a present.

Elyse: Good idea.

Jennifer picks up a present and hands it to Mallory. Elyse sits down on the couch.

Jennifer: Merry Christmas Mallory.

Mallory: Thank you Jennifer.

Mallory opens the present and pulls out a large home made hat.

Steven: Oh, that's great.

Mallory: It's a very nice, woolen, practical gift.

Jennifer: It's a hat. I made it myself.

Elyse and Alex are drinking tea.

Alex: No kidding.

Steven: That's great. I wish I had a hat like that.

Jennifer: You do.

Mallory pulls the hat on and it's so big that it fits covering her head completely.

Alex: Ah, I change my mind, I love it.

Mallory pulls it up so that her face can be seen.

Mallory: Well I think it's beautiful. Thank you Jennifer.

Mallory hugs Jennifer.

Steven: Well, I've got something I'd like to give now. It's for you Elyse.

Steven picks up a present and then walks over to Elyse and hands it to her.

Elyse: For me? You shouldn't have.

Steven: Should I take it back?

Elyse: Don't you dare.

Elyse opens the present.

Elyse: A flute. Oh thank you Steven.

Steven: I made it myself.

Elyse: It's beautiful.

Jennifer: Mommy, I didn't know you knew how to play the flute.

Elyse: I've always wanted to learn.

Elyse puts her fingers on the flute and realizes there are no holes.

Elyse: Aren't there supposed to be holes in this?

Steven: I got a late start. I'll give you the wholes next year.

Elyse: Thank you.

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Mallory: Oh boy, here they go.

Jennifer: They're not even under the missile toe.

Alex: In a couple of minutes they're going to be under the table.

Mallory: Look, maybe you should tell us the story about how Jennifer was born.

Steven: You really want to hear it?

Mallory: No, but it's probably the only way to stop the kissing.

Scene 6:
Fade in on flashback.
The screen says: 'Columbus Ohio, 1972'
Hospital: Steven and Elyse are headed down a hall way. Elyse is laying in a bed that is being pushed. Steven is reading a book out loud.

Steven: This is interesting. Childbirth can be described as four stages: effacement, dilation, transition and expulsion. These stages are accomplished by the muscular action of the uterus called contractions. Which stage are you in Elyse?

Elyse: I'm in pain Steven.

Nurse: You know most people don't cram for childbirth.

Steven: You see, she's way ahead of schedule. The baby wasn't due until next month.

Elyse groans.

Steven: In fact, we were on our way to vote when the contractions started.

Elyse: Yeah, I think we really should have voted first.

Steven: I know what you mean. I think it's going to be a very close election and our votes could have put Magovern over the top.

Elyse: Have you heard anything about the early returns?

Nurse: Well, I just came from a Nixon victory party. Does that give you any clue?

Steven: It's a little early to tell isn't it?

Nurse: Well, there's one percent of the vote in and Magovern's losing by a six to one margin.

Elyse: One percent? What can you tell by that?

Nurse: It's Magovern's home town.

Young Alex and Mallory enter.

Alex: Hey, Dad did you hear the good news?

Alex puts his arms up in the air.

Steven: Yeah, Alex we heard. We're very happy for you.

Alex: I guess all my hard work paid off.

Steven: Yeah, I think that last minute mailing you sent out had something to do with the effect.

Nurse: Sir, if those are your children they must wait in the waiting room. That's how it got its' name.

Steven: I know. That's where they were. Why don't you go on back now?

Elyse groans.

Alex and Mallory run over to where Elyse is. Mallory and Alex climb up on the railing of the bed.

Mallory: How are you feeling Mommy?

Elyse: Oh, just great honey.

Mallory: How come my cousin Sandy's German Shepherd had puppies. She had eight and you're only going to have one?

Elyse: It's not the same as a dog having puppies.

Mallory: Is that why you're not having it in the garage?

The doctor enters.

Nurse: She's about eight centimeters. I'll go check on a delivery room.

Steven shakes hands with the doctor.

Steven: Hi Dr. Rogers.

Doctor: Hi Steven. Hi Elyse, how are you feeling?

Elyse: Great.

Steven: I don't think you've met Alex and Mallory.

Doctor: Hi kids.

Alex & Mallory: Hi.

Doctor: Well, birth is a wonders event isn't it kids? Mystery of nature's miracles. You must have a lot of questions about all of this.

Alex: Yeah, how much do you make a year?

Steven: Alex, you were just leaving.

Alex: Right.

Mallory and Alex climb down off the railing.

Steven: Now Alex, you look after Mallory and we'll be back just as soon as we can with a brand new baby brother or baby sister for you to play with.

Alex: I'm hoping for a brother.

Mallory: I think I'd rather have a German Shepherd.

Alex puts up his arms.

Alex: Four more years, four more years.

Alex and Mallory leave.

Elyse groans.

Scene 7:
Delivery Room:

Doctor: You're doing great Elyse. Now during the next contraction I want you to resist the urge to push.

Steven: It says here that to avoid pushing you should relax and blow out as hard as you can. That doesn't sound too tough.

Nurse: Why don't you try it some time.

Elyse practices breathing.

Steven: One, two, slow it down. Good. Go easy. Ah, that was perfect. I can't believe how well you're doing.

Elyse: You're not doing so bad yourself.

Steven: Well, but thanks, there's nothing to it.

Elyse: What about a kiss?

Steven and Elyse kiss.

Elyse starts breathing hard.

Doctor: Oh, that must have been some kiss. Ok Elyse, start pushing.

Elyse pushes.

Steven: Hey, I can see the baby's head.

Elyse: Is it a boy or girl?

Steven: I can't tell from the head. I don't see ponytails or anything.

Doctor: Ok, push, push. There you are. You have a baby girl.

Steven: Oh, all right!

Scene 8:
Fade back to present time.
Livingroom: Everyone is present. Everyone is wearing home made hats.

Steven: Then you opened up your mouth and let out a big scream.

Alex: And we haven't been able to shut you up since.

Elyse: And it was really terrific to have your Daddy there in the room with me. He was such a big help.

Jennifer gets up and sits down by Steven.

Jennifer: So, Alex wanted Nixon, Mallory wanted a puppy. What did you want Daddy?

Steven: Me? I just wanted one thing. Healthy, beautiful child. And that's what I got three times. I'm a very lucky man.

Mallory gets up and walks over to the tree.

Alex; Well, hey as parents go you two aren't so bad.

Alex gets up and sits on the arm of the couch. Mallory gets a present.

Mallory: Dad, here's a present from us kids.

Mallory hands Steven the gift.

Mallory: We didn't exactly make it.

Alex: But we all worked hard to earn some extra cash and now that Ron has inflation under control and our dollars are worth more we thought we'd stimulate the economy by buying an expensive American product. However, we ran a little short on liquid assets department and

Jennifer: What he means is Mommy put up the rest of the money.

Alex: Well, that's another way of saying it. Merry Christmas Dad.

Steven opens the gift.

Steven: Oh hey this is great! It's that new camera. This is really fantastic.

Steven kisses Mallory and Jennifer on the cheek.

Steven: Thanks everybody.

Mallory: It's all loaded and ready to go too.

Steven kisses Elyse.

Elyse: I'm so glad it snowed so hard. I've had such a good time looking at these old photographs.

Alex: Yeah, remembering all the glory years when I was still an only child.

Mallory: Do you still see Crazy Larry?

Steven: We visit him on weekends. You know this could turn out to be the best Christmas ever.

Jennifer gets up from the couch.

Jennifer: You're right Dad and it's a really special night. Christmas is a time for sharing those moments that are more precious than any material gift. It's a time which renews our spirits and makes us aware of the beauty that surrounds us and of the beauty within us.

Elyse and Steven look at each other.

Steven: Jennifer, that's really lovely.

Jennifer sits on Steven's lap.

Jennifer: Yeah, but it's more effective with the wings.

Elyse: Wings?

Jennifer: It's a part from my school play. Remember? I was a Christmas angel.

Alex: You played an angel?

Jennifer: It was either that or stick a tree branch on my head and be a reindeer.

Steven stands up.

Steven: Ok, everybody in front of the tree. I'm going to take a Christmas portrait.

Everyone gets up and is excited.

Steven: I'm going to put a timer on this.

Steven squats down to the camera.

Mallory: Oh, get down.

Mallory, Elyse, Alex and Jennifer get down on their knees.

Steven: Get in place. Everybody looks great. All set?

Mallory: Get down.

Steven: Ok.

Steven gets up to get in the picture.

Jennifer: Come on Dad.

Steven: I'm here. Good. Smile.

Elyse: What's happening?

Steven: It'll be just a second.

Steven gets up to see what the problem is and the camera takes the picture.

Steven goes over to the camera.

Steven: I can get it. One more time.

Elyse: Come on.

Steven: Let's give it one more time.

Elyse: Ok.

Steven: All right. Everybody say Merry Christmas.

Everyone: Merry Christmas!

The camera takes the picture.

The End.

No Nukes Is Good Nukes Transcript (Season 1)

Scene I:
Kitchen: Elyse, Mallory, Alex and Jennifer are standing by the counter in the middle of the kitchen. Alex and Jennifer are talking.

Jennifer: Alex, who do you think is going to win today's game, Notradame or USC?

Alex: Well, I'd have to go with USC.

Jennifer: I don't know USC is favored by two and half. I think I better go with Notradame.

Alex: Jennifer, you always ask me what team I pick and then you go and bet the other side.

Jennifer: I know. It works every time.

Mallory: What are you doing here Mom?

Elyse: Nothing Mallory.

Alex: I knew it. Bean sprouts in the stuffing.

Elyse: What are you guys the vegetable patrol?

Mallory: Mom, this is Thanksgiving not Chinese New Year.

Elyse: I just want to try something a little different this year that's all.

Alex: This is a traditional American holiday. How is Jennifer supposed to know what Thanksgiving is all about if you insist on serving foreign food?

Jennifer is sitting at the kitchen table.

Jennifer: I know what Thanksgiving is about Alex. It's when the Indians and pilgrims ate together and the Indians got stuck with the check.

Alex: That's not how it happened at all Jennifer. You have to understand that civilization marches forward and it marches better on paved roads.

Jennifer: The Indians had the land first Alex.

Alex: Yeah, but they weren't using it. They were just roaming around, cooking out doors, wearing beads, living in tents. Just like Mom and Dad used to.

Elyse: Alex, the fact is that we stole that land from the Indians.

Alex: What do you want us to do now Mom? Give it back?

Mallory: Yeah, starting with your room.

Steven enters the kitchen through the swinging door. He is carrying peace signs.

Steven: Look at these Elyse. I found them in the attic. I figure we could use some of them today.

Mallory: This is so embarrassing. I can't believe that you two are going to go out there and make fools out of yourselves this afternoon.

Steven: We're going out to demonstrate against nuclear arms. There's nothing foolish about that.

Elyse is sitting at the kitchen table. Alex is standing by the table.

Elyse: The question you kids should be asking is why we continue to make hydrogen bombs when we already have enough to kill the Russians forty times over.

Alex: Don't be so melodramatic Mom. From the beginning of time there's been weapons and there's always been fringe element of overreacting. I'm sure that even in the early days that there were bleeding heart cavemen running around with signs that said make love not clubs.

Steven: Alex, are you actually in favor of nuclear weapons?

Alex: I'm in favor of having them, not using them.

Jennifer: Why do we have them if we're not going to use them?

Alex: That's a dumb question Jennifer. It's called a deterrent force.

Jennifer: Do both sides have a detergent force?

Alex: Deterrent force Jennifer. It means that the more weapons that both sides have the less chance that either side will have to use them.

Jennifer: Why can't both sides just have no bombs?

Alex: It's too late, we already paid for them.

Steven is sitting at the table.

Elyse: Well, your father and I don't think it's too late, nor do a lot of other people. They expect a very big crowd out there today.

Mallory: Come on admit it. You two are just going out there because it makes you feel young and alive again.

Steven: No, we're going out there so that one day you can feel old and alive.

Jennifer gets up from the table and stands between Elyse and Steven who are sitting at the table.

Jennifer: Daddy, I want you to know that I'm behind what you and Mommy are doing hundred percent.

Steven: Well, thank you Jennifer. I'm very happy to hear that.

Jennifer: If I didn't have to supervise the cooking I'd go with you.

Elyse: Grandma and Grandpa will be here and Grandma will do all the cooking.

Elyse gets up from the table.

Jennifer: That's what I'm talking about.

Steven gets up from the table.

Elyse is standing at the center counter.

Elyse: Grandma is an excellent cook.

Mallory: An excellent cook? Mom, I'm using one of last year's biscuits as a door stop.

Jennifer looks at one of the signs.

Jennifer: What does flower power mean?

Alex is standing at the center counter.

Alex: It was a symbol of that twisted era. You know love, flowers, peace. Gives me the creeps.

Steven is standing next to Elyse.

Elyse: Don't listen to him Jennifer. Flower power was another way of telling people to put down their weapons and to give each other flowers and love instead. For a while all the girls wore flowers in their hair.

Jennifer: Did you Mommy?

Elyse: Yes, until your Dad made me stop.

Jennifer: Didn't he like flower power?

Elyse: Yes, but he had hay fever. It was a very difficult period for him.

Kate & Charlie arrive.

Mallory: Oh! They're here!

Everyone says hello.

Elyse: Why don't you guys sit down and I'll put the water on for tea.

Steven takes Kate's basket from her.

Steven: Kate, you didn't have to bring your own dishes.

Kate: Those are biscuits. I think they came out lighter this year.

Charlie sits down at the table.

Charlie: She baked them last night so that she'd have more time for pies today.

Jennifer: Grandma, your baking pies?

Kate sits down at the table.

Kate: Yes.

Jennifer: Oh boy. I don't know if our oven's working.

Elyse puts a hand over Jennifer's mouth for a second. Mallory is sitting at the table.

Elyse: Jennifer. The oven's fine. Mom, we're really pleased to see you, but we didn't expect you here so soon.

Kate: Well, we wanted to spend as much time with you as possible. Also, our tv is broken and Grandpa wants to see the game.

Jennifer: Who do you pick in this game Gramp?

Charlie: Are you kidding? Notradame. Two and half points, it's a steal.

Jennifer: All right.

Jennifer high five's Charlie.

Jennifer: See Alex.

Alex is sitting at the table.

Charlie: We would have been here earlier, but we got held up in traffic. There's some kind of dumb demonstration starting up downtown.

Steven picks up the peace signs.

Charlie: What kind of idiots would demonstrate on Thanksgiving?

Alex: Just your everyday run of the mill ones.

Elyse: Actually Dad, Steven and I are planning on going to that demonstration.

Charlie: Oh, you almost had me going there. For a minute I believed you.

Elyse: Well, it's true Dad, we're going.

Charlie gets up from the table.

Charlie: What's the issue this week? The Chad Sudan Border dispute? More fluoride in the water. More fluoride in the toothpaste.

Steven: Nuclear disarmament.

Charlie: Here we going again. Oh look Kate, they even have the old signs out.

Kate: Charlie, don't get yourself all worked up.

Alex: You know by going out there you two are giving aid and comfort to the enemy.

Steven: Yeah, the Kremlin called us this morning and specifically asked us to be there on time so if you don't mind--

Charlie: Aren't you two ever going to learn? We're not the ones escalating the arm's race. It's the Soviet's. We're just trying to keep up.

Steven: What it all boils down to Charlie is that the innocent people of the world are being held hostage by the political disputes between the Silver Powers.

Charlie: But, it's always been that way Steven.

Steven: Yes, but we haven't always had weapons capable of wiping out civilization in one foul swoop. Charlie, one of these governments is got to be first to start acting rationally.

Charlie: Well, it's not going to be us.

Steven: Listen Charlie--

Elyse: Steven, Dad, look this is Thanksgiving Day, let's not argue. Steven and I will be gone for a few hours and then we'll be back and we'll have a nice meal together. This is a happy occasion right?

Charlie: You're right I'm sorry.

Elyse: That's more like it.

Charlie: You two want to go off and demonstrate I guess that's your business.

Steven: See you later Kate. Kids I want some of that cranberry sauce.

Jennifer: Dad, you want to take any of Grandma's biscuits with you?

Steven: No, thank you. We've already got some sandwiches.

Jennifer: Not to eat, to play Frisbee with.

Steven and Elyse leave.

Scene II:
Livingroom:

Charlie is asleep on the couch. Mallory is sitting on the floor and watching tv. A soap opera can be heard. Alex enters the livingroom from the kitchen.

Alex: What's the score of the football game Grandpa?

Mallory: Shh. He fell asleep a few minutes ago.

Alex: So what's the score of the game?

Mallory: I don't know. As soon as he dozed off I changed the channel.

Alex: A soap opera? How can you watch that junk? It's demented. It's depraved.

Alex goes to turn the channel on the tv and stops.

Alex: Who's that?

Mallory: That's Belinda.

Alex: Is that guy her husband?

Mallory: Which guy?

Alex sits down in a chair.

Alex: The one in the strapless evening gown.

Mallory: No, that's the plumber. Her husband hasn't been around since he lost his job. He had a nervous breakdown and moved to Union City and now he gives sowing lessons.

Jennifer enters the livingroom from the kitchen.

Jennifer: Everything in the kitchen is under control. I'm keeping Grandma away from the stove.

Mallory: Good going.

Jennifer: I've got her doing some busy work. You know, organizing the potholders, folding and unfolding the paper bag.

Alex: That's nice.

Jennifer: Alex, I'm surprised at you. How could you watch this stuff?

Jennifer sits on the arm of the chair.

Alex: I'm simply monitoring what you kids are watching Jennifer. I have no interesting in this trash.

Jennifer: Me neither. Is that plumber back?

Alex: Yeah.

Kate enters the livingroom from the kitchen. She is carrying a tray of sandwiches.

Kate: I made some sandwiches to tide you over until dinner. Who wants one?

She holds out the tray toward Jennifer, Mallory and Alex.

Alex: Grandma thank you, but we don't want to spoil our appetite.

Kate: Oh don't be silly. We won't be eating for hours.

Jennifer: We know that, but your food is so special we don't want to rush into it.

Kate: Oh you're just saying that.

Jennifer: No I'm not.

Jennifer, Mallory, and Alex all take a sandwich.

Kate: Well, it didn't take him long to conk out. What are you kids watching?

Alex: Oh it's a documentary.

Kate sits down on the couch.

Kate: Is that plumber back again? He just never gives up.

Charlie wakes up, sits up and rubs his eyes. Alex gets up and quickly turns the channel back to the football game.

Charlie: Did I miss anything? What's the score of the game?

Kate: Charlie, can I fix you something to eat?

Charlie: No! I mean no thank you. I don't want to spoil my appetite.

Jennifer: Come on Rick. That's clipping. Give me a break here.

Mallory: What happened to the picture?

The tv can be heard: Here's an update to a fast breaking story. Trouble broke out this afternoon at The Blackstone Nuclear Research Laboratory.

Alex: That's Mom and Dad.

TV: No one knows exactly who started it, but it looks like a lot of people are going to spend this Thanksgiving in jail.

On the tv screen it shows people protesting with signs and then people, including Steven and Elyse being arrested.

Scene 3:
Jail: Several people are in a cell along with Elyse and Steven.

Steven: You're not going to close the door on us are you?

Guard: Well, I was seriously considering it.

Steven: Look, technically, I know we are prisoners you are the guard, but is this really necessary? It seems a little excessive.

Guard: Humor me.

The guard closes the door.

Steven: When can we get out on bail?

Guard: The judge has to set bail and if he has to come in on Thanksgiving to do it he ain't going to be in a real generous mood.

Elyse: You mean we might have to spend the night in jail?

Guard: Unless the judge goes out of town. Then you'll have to spend the weekend in jail.

Elyse: Thanks for being so sensitive.

Woman: I can't believe this. I've never been arrested before. I don't know what to do, or what to say. Am I dressed all right?

Man: Perfectly, as if when you put those clothes on you knew you'd end up in jail.

Steven: Look, I think we should get organized here.

Woman: Right, we need a spokesperson. Has anyone here ever been arrested before

Elyse: I have.

Steven: I have.

Elyse: We're together.

Woman: Did you meet in jail?

Steven: No, we we're arrested in Washington DC for the big peace rally.

Man: I was arrested in Washington too.

Elyse: For protesting the war?

Man: No for armed robbery.

Everyone moves to the other side of the cell.

Man: Hey, give me a break. I did my time. I'm over with that, sort of.

Elyse: What do you mean sort of?

Man: Well, I got arrested at the demonstration today.

Elyse: Well, we all did.

Man: I got arrested for pick pocket.

Steven: All right. No matter what our different backgrounds maybe. We are in this together.

Steven removes his wallet from his back pocket and puts it in his front pocket in his shirt.

Steven: Now, what I think is obviously on everybody's mind is how do we get out of here? Anyone have any ideas?

A woman raises her hand.

Steven: Yeah.

Woman: I say we tie all the sheets together, hang them out the window, and go over the wall.

Elyse: We don't have any sheets.

Steven: Or any windows.

Man: Other than that, it was a great idea.

Alex and Charlie arrive.

Alex: Mom, Dad are you all right?

Elyse & Steven: Alex!

Elyse: How are you?

Alex: I'm fine.

Elyse: Hi Dad.

Steven: Hello Charlie.

Charlie: Well, this sure does bring back memories.

Steven: How did you know we were here?

Charlie: You were on the news.

Alex: Listen, we have good news. They're handing these out to everyone who was arrested at the demonstration. The judge drew it up. All you have to do is sign it and you can come home.

Elyse takes the paper.

Elyse: (reading) As a condition of bail, I the undersigned pledge to never again to take part in any form of protest against nuclear arms, furthermore, I will sign a public statement--. That's blackmail.

Man: Could you pass one of those over here please?

Elyse: What do you think.

Steven: I don't think we should sign it Elyse. There's a principle at stake here.

Alex: Hey, what a minute. We're not talking about a weekend in Hawaii here. This is jail. You're surrounded by hardened criminals, societal misfits, vermin.

The people in the cell look at Alex

Alex: No offense.

Man: None taken.

Elyse: Alex, this is illegal. They're asking us to sign away a basic constitutional right. The right to descent.

Alex: Mom, it's just a piece of paper. They can't change how you feel.

Steven: They can change how I feel about myself and if I sign this paper I have a hunch I won't feel very good.

Charlie: Look, you have other people to think about besides yourselves.

Alex: Yeah, in case you've forgotten, the names are Alex, Mallory and Jennifer.

Steven: I am thinking of you. I want you to know your father is a man who stands up for what he believes.

Alex: I'll take your word for it. I'm easy, just come home.

Woman: What do you think? Should we sign it or shouldn't we?

Steven: Well, I think it's pretty obvious, don't you?

People in cell: Yeah.

Steven: All right. Good.

Woman: Goodbye.

Everyone besides Elyse and Steven sign the paper and leave the cell.

Man: I'm with her.

Guard: Nice try.

Man goes back into the cell.

Steven: I'm sorry Alex, I can't.

Alex: Mom?

Elyse: Alex, I want to come home more than anything in the world, but I won't sign this. Please try to understand.

Charlie: If you'd rather stay here fine. Come on Alex, lets go.

Elyse: Dad.

Steven: Alex, come on. Try to see our point here Alex.

Elyse: Dad please.

Alex: You know what's wrong with parents today? They still think they can change the world.

Scene 4:
Livingroom: Mallory and Jennifer are looking out the window.

Mallory: They're back!

Mallory and Jennifer run over to the front door. Kate walks in from the kitchen and Mallory opens the front door. Charlie and Alex come in. Mallory and Jennifer walk outside and then walk back in.

Jennifer: Where's Mom and Dad?

Mallory: Why didn't you bring them home?

Alex and Charlie take their jackets off.

Alex: Let me tell you two something about your parents. They're stubborn. They're childish. They're making me old before my time.

Jennifer: They must be ok if they had time to fight with Alex.

Charlie is sitting on the couch.

Kate: You couldn't bail them out?

Charlie: Of course we could bail them out. They wouldn't let us. So they're staying in jail.

Kate: I don't understand this. Why would they choose to stay in jail?

Charlie: Well, they wouldn't sign the paper.

Kate: What paper?

Charlie: It was nothing. It's just an apology that's all.

Kate: That's all?

Charlie: And something about never demonstrating again. Routine stuff.

Kate: Routine stuff? Sounds more like blackmail.

Alex: Grandpa, I'm surprised at you. Can't you control your own daughter?

Charlie: No. Never could either.

Mallory is sitting in a chair and Jennifer is sitting on the arm of it.

Jennifer: Our parents can't control their daughters either. I guess you have a lot in common.

Charlie: I thought it was supposed to get easier as your kids get older.

Alex: I thought it was supposed to get easier as your parents got older.

Mallory: Why were they out there demonstrating in the first place? Today is Thanksgiving. A day for tranquility, for harmony, for peace.

Kate: Isn't that what they were demonstrating for?

Alex: They have to care in public?

Mallory: They do everything else in public.

Alex: Why go to jail over something like this? Nobody's insane enough to use nuclear weapons. Not when they know the enemy has them too.

Alex sits down on the couch.

Jennifer: What if the people in charge of the bomb aren't as smart as you Alex?

Mallory: I still can't believe they could do this to us. I mean how can they be so selfish?

Kate: Wait a minute. What are they doing to us? They're not the one's being selfish. We're here in a nice house surrounded by people we love. They're in a jail cell because of something they believe in.

Jennifer: I think it takes a lot of guts to do what they're doing.

Kate: So do I and I'll tell you something else. I wish I had the guts to go out there and demonstrate with them today instead of staying here and cooking.

Charlie: We all do dear.

Kate: I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going to have Thanksgiving dinner with my daughter and my son-in-law.

Jennifer stands up.

Jennifer: I'm having dinner with her daughter and her son-in-law too.

Kate: Anybody else?

Mallory, Alex and Charlie look away and don't answer. Kate and Jennifer leave.

Scene 5:
Jail: Elyse, Steven and another man are present.

Elyse: What about decorating?

Elyse sits down next to Steven.

Steven: First thing I'd do is take out those bars.

Elyse: It wouldn't take much just a few green plants. Maybe a throw rug right there.

Elyse points.

Man: Some end tables.

The guard comes over to the cell.

Guard: All in for grub.

Elyse: Why do I expect we're going to be disappointed with this meal?

Steven: Come on honey, lets go.

Steven and Elyse stand up and walk over to where the guard is standing. The guard hands all three cups.

Steven: Don't we get something special for Thanksgiving?

Guard: Yeah, this is it.

Steven: Yellow water with green stuff floating in it?

Guard: You're lucky. Most days you don't get the green stuff.

Guard: Well, have a happy. safe Thanksgiving.

The guard walks away.

Elyse: That man needs to get outdoors more often.

Elyse and Steven go and sit back down. They clink cups together. They look at what's in the cups and set them aside without drinking from them.

Elyse: Steven, do you think we did the right thing?

Steven: I did until they brought us this.

Elyse: Kids are mad at us, Dad's mad at us.

Man: I'm not mad at you.

Elyse: That's quite a consolation.

Kate and Jennifer arrive with food.

Kate: Anyone here interested in a home cooked meal?

Elyse and Steven walk over to the bars.

Steven: You don't know how wonderful it is to see you guys.

Kate: Without you two at home it just didn't seem like a holiday.

Elyse: Well, we haven't exactly been whooping it up in here either.

Jennifer: I brought you this flower for your hair Mommy. Happy Thanksgiving.

Jennifer hands her a flower.

Elyse: Oh thank you sweetheart.

Elyse kisses Jennifer.

Jennifer: I missed you.

Elyse: Not half as much as we missed you.

Steven: Where are the others?

Kate: Um...well...it was hard to get everyone in the car, well with all the food and all.

Elyse: They didn't want to come?

Jennifer: If you're still here at Christmas maybe Alex will drop in.

Kate: Well, there's a lot of food I cooked up here. So lets get to it.

Steven: Ok.

Kate: There's plenty for everyone if you'd like a little taste.

Man: You Kate?

Kate: Yes.

Man: No thanks.

Elyse: Well, we can't wait. I think it's so sweet that you thought to bring food down to us. Oh I want to give you a hug.

Steven: Yeah, come on sweetheart.

Elyse tries to hug Kate and Steven tries to hug Jennifer, but the bars are in the way.

Steven: Hey, wait a minute. Let's do this right.

Steven hugs Elyse and Kate hugs Jennifer. Mallory, Alex and Charlie arrive.

Mallory: I can't believe it. You two can't even control yourselves in prison.

Elyse: Mallory! Alex!

Steven: How are you?

Jennifer: Grandpa, I thought you weren't coming in until the cow jumped over the moon?

Charlie: That's just a figure of speech Jennifer.

Mallory: It just didn't seem right that's all. I mean a family's supposed to be together for Thanksgiving.

Elyse: Yeah I know. We're sorry if we spoiled your Thanksgiving.

Alex: No, we're the ones who should do the apologizing.

Mallory: It's something Grandma said that made us realize that this is something you two care very deeply about.

Elyse: What did she say?

Mallory: This is something you both care very deeply about.

Jennifer: You really have a way with words Grandma.

Alex: I just want you both to know that I respect the fact that you're standing up for your beliefs. Even if I don't agree with them.

Mallory: Yeah, I think that goes for all of us.

Charlie: Yeah all of us. I mean I might not agree with everything you have to say, but what kind of American would I be if I didn't support your right to say it?

Steven: Thank you. That means a lot to us.

The man in the cell sniffs.

Man: One of the happiest days of my life.

Steven: Hey, that's my handkerchief.

Kate: Come on lets eat.

Steven: Good idea.

Elyse: Mom, how did you get all that food in here?

Kate: Well, lets just say there isn't a guard in the joint who doesn't have one of my dumplings.

Jennifer: It's a plot. They're all get sick and you can escape.

Kate: Lets save the sweet talk for later and eat. I'm starved.

Charlie: You want me to file the bars or carve the turkey?

Jennifer lays down a cloth napkin on the floor.

Charlie: Or I could file the bars with the turkey.

Elyse: This is turning out to be a great Thanksgiving.

Everyone sits down. They set out food.

Elyse: We've got our health. We've got each other. We've got turkey. What else do we need?

Jennifer: Mommy, could I say a Thanksgiving grace this year?

Elyse: Of course sweetheart.

They all bow their heads.

Jennifer: Thank you God for all the good things that you've done this year and for keeping us well and happy. I'm really sorry about that incident with Ronnie Dorfmin's lunch box and the turtle.

Elyse and Steven look over at Jennifer.

Jennifer: But, we can discuss that later. Most of all I'd like to thank you for looking over Mommy and Daddy today and not letting them be hurt. They're the best parents in the whole world even if they are a couple of jail birds.

Elyse and Steven look over at Jennifer.

Jennifer: Amen.

Everyone: Amen.

They all start talking and get ready to eat.

The End

Working At It Transcript

Scene I:
Kitchen: Elyse is sitting at the desk by the phone. Mallory enters the kitchen through the swinging door and walks over to Elyse. Jennifer and Steven are standing by the kitchen table.

Mallory: Mom, can I talk to you?

Elyse: In a minute honey. I have to finish my resume and then I'm off to the interview. Why don't you talk to your father?

Mallory: He can't help me. It's about boys.

Steven: Yeah, how would I know about them?

Jennifer: You know my philosophy Mallory. If a boy starts making you ask questions cut him loose.

Alex enters the kitchen through the swinging door.

Alex: Hey, how's the resume coming Mom?

Elyse stands up with resume in hand. She walks over to the table.

Elyse: Finished. I fudged a little bit, but basically it's me.

Elyse hands the resume to Steven who is sitting at the table.

Alex: Did you put in those things I told you?

Elyse: Some, I left out the part about me designing the Eiffel Tower.

Alex: Come on Mom, they never check that stuff.

Steven hands Elyse the resume.

Elyse: Well, I hope not. I did take some of your advice and put all my attributes on page one on the top and the center. I hid the fact that I haven't worked in an office in twelve years on page two under the staple.

Elyse turns the page to page two of the resume.

Elyse: I also changed twelve years to a hundred and forty-four months. I don't know why I'm going on this interview anyway. They probably don't want me. They probably want someone more up to date. Someone younger.

Steven: Elyse, Grandma Moses didn't start painting until she was eighty.

Jennifer walks over to Steven.

Jennifer: Yeah, that still gives you a couple years.

Elyse looks at Jennifer.

Jennifer: Just trying to relax you.

Mallory: Mom, all you've been talking about these past two weeks is how much you want this job.

Elyse sits down at the table.

Jennifer: Yeah, I thought you wanted to expand your horizons.

Mallory: I thought you wanted more challenging work.

Alex: I thought you wanted to make more money.

Elyse: I do want all those things, but I'm scared.

Jennifer: You've got first day jitters Mom. I get the same thing every fall when I go back to school.

Elyse: Really?

Jennifer: I worry about my new teacher, my new classroom, new kids, new everything. But the first day always works out for me and it will for you too.

Elyse: Thank you Jennifer.

Jennifer: Of course sometimes I throw up around lunch time.

Steven: Well, what are you worrying about? You're a terrific catch for any architectural firm. You know what you're doing. Your experienced, your reliable.

Alex walks over to Elyse.

Alex: Yeah, Mom let's go over your assets and liabilities.

Elyse: Can't we just go over my assets?

Alex: May I?

Alex takes the resume and looks at it.

Alex: Ok, (reads) Elyse Keaton.

Elyse: Now, that's a nice name, that should count as an asset.

Alex: It's a fine name Mom. But lets face it, it's not going to get you the job. Your references seem to be in order.

Steven: Alex, enough. You don't have to add up your assets and liabilities. When they meet you and read this resume they're going to be very impressed.

Elyse stands up.

Elyse: Thank you. You all have been very supportive. I don't want to be late. Any last minute advice?

Mallory: Ask about vacation.

Mallory sits down at the table. Alex is sitting at the table.

Jennifer: Find out if there's a gum ball machine.

Steven: Be yourself.

Alex: Don't tell them your a woman.

They all throw their napkins at Alex.

Scene 2:
Interview:
Elyse is present. She is looking at herself in a mirror and touching up her makeup. A man enters the room.

Bill: (singing) Don't change a hair for me.

Elyse turns around.

Elyse: I'm sorry. I'm waiting her for Karen Banks.

Bill: You're looking at her.

Elyse looks at him.

Bill: Just kidding. Actually, I'm Karen Doogen.

Elyse looks at him.

Bill: Kidding again. Bill Channing.

Elyse: Really?

Bill: Would I kid you?

Elyse: Elyse Keaton.

Bill: Oh, you're here for the new job.

Elyse: Yes.

Bill: I'm an architect myself.

Elyse: You are? You are.

Bill sits in a chair.

Karen Banks enters the room.

Karen: Elyse, I'm Karen Banks.

Karen shakes Elyse's hand.

Elyse: Hi.

Bill: No kidding, she is.

Karen: I'm sorry we have to meet here in Bill's office. The conference room is tied up. Bill I'd like to conduct an interview in here.

Bill: Ok, I've got a couple extra minutes. What would you like to know?

Karen: I'd like to know when you're leaving?

Bill: Out of here.

Bill stands up and pushes the chair in.

Bill: Bye.

Bill leaves.

Karen: He is actually a very fine architect.

Elyse: I could tell.

Karen sits down in a chair.

Karen: May I see your resume please?

Elyse: Yes, I have nothing to hide.

Elyse takes her resume out of her portfolio and hands it to Karen. Karen takes the resume and pulls the two pieces of paper apart.

Karen: (looks at the resume) Well, I see you haven't worked in an office for twelve years.

Elyse: Has it been that long? It didn't seem like more than a hundred and forty-four months. Anything else that needs clarification?

Karen: Everything seems to be in order.

Elyse: I guess no one really checks up on those resumes anyway?

Karen: We do.

Karen sets the resume on the desk.

Karen: Tell me why you would like to take a full time job again?

Elyse: Well, I am an architect and --

Elyse sets her portfolio on the desk and awkwardly sits down.

Elyse: Now that my kids can take care of themselves I thought I'd go back to work for what I'm trained to do. In a more meaningful way.

Karen: I see.

Elyse: But more than anything I'm tired of working out of my kitchen. Do you know how hard it is working when you know you're just inches away from fudge brownies?

Elyse laughs. Karen looks at Elyse.

Karen: Well, you won't have that problem here.

Karen: There's one question I've been asking all the applicants.

Elyse: Yes?

Karen: What do you feel should be the role of the architect in the 1980's?

Elyse: What did they say?

Karen looks at Elyse.

Elyse: I think we should take advantage of the new technology, but to build and not destroy. Take for example the old Morgan house. It was beautiful. Two hundred years old. They tore it down and put up a parking lot. Now that's the kind of thing that makes me crazy.

Karen: That was one of our jobs.

Scene 3:
Kitchen: Jennifer, Mallory and Elyse are present. Mallory is using a tape measure to measure Jennifer's arm. Elyse is sitting at the kitchen table. Alex is standing by the counter in the middle of the kitchen.

Jennifer: Are you sure this dress is going to be ready for Chrissy's party?

Elyse: Positive. It's a very simple pattern.

Mallory: You will see Jennifer. I'm going to pick up this sowing stuff really quickly.

Alex: Remember Mallory, the thread goes through the needle.

Mallory: You'd be surprised Alex. I know how important it is for a woman to learn how to sow.

Jennifer: Mallory, you're a real woman of the eighties.

Mallory: (smiles) Thanks.

Steven enters the kitchen through the back door.

Steven: So, how did the interview go?

Elyse: Hi. Not very well. She didn't like me. She was very, very cold. Now it's not that I expected a big banner saying welcome back to architecture Elyse Keaton.

Steven sits down at the table.

Elyse: But, I thought, you know, at least a cake.

Steven: I'm sure you made a good first impression Elyse. You always do. From the moment I laid eyes on you. I knew you were the only architect for me.

Elyse stands up.

Elyse: Maybe I'm better off if I don't get the job. I mean what do I need a job for? The commuting? Having a boss? I mean I'm doing ok working here at home.

Mallory: I know exactly what you mean Mom. I mean I could take geometry next semester. There's a chance I could handle it, but there's a chance I couldn't handle it. SO why bother right?

Elyse: I don't think it's the same thing honey.

Steven stands up.

Steven: Elyse, it's ok to admit you're scared about a new job.

Elyse: I'm not scared.

The phone rings.

Elyse: Don't answer that. Maybe I'm a little scared.

Mallory: Hello? Yes, she is. One moment please.

Mallory puts her hand over the receiver.

Mallory: Mom.

Elyse doesn't move. Jennifer gets behind her and pushes her over to the phone. Elyse takes the phone.

Elyse: Hello? Hi, yes speaking. Hi Karen. Yeah, yeah. Well, thanks for letting me know.

Elyse hangs the phone up.

Steven: I'm sorry.

Elyse: I got the job!

Elyse hugs Steven.

Elyse: They liked the fact that I was older and I had more experience and they appreciated my honesty at the interview.

Alex: Go figure.

Scene 4:
Elyse's Work:
Elyse, Bill and Karen are present.

Karen: Well Elyse I see you're making yourself at home.

Elyse: Yes.

Bill: Just talking about the machines.

Karen: I assume you're familiar with the Mary Well Computer Aid Design & Drafting System.

Elyse: Well, I've never actually used the Mary Well, but how different can it be from any other appliance?

Karen: Well, it could be helpful with the Manhattan Corporation Project. We're bidding on a combination of office building and health club. Now Bill is designing the office building part of the project. You'll be working on the health club.

Elyse: Oh, sounds exciting.

Karen: We have tentatively scheduled a presentation with Mr. Halafax. He's head of Manhattan for two weeks from tomorrow.

Elyse: Two weeks?

Karen: Isn't that enough time?

Elyse: It's more than enough.

Karen: Ok, good. Here you go. Site plan, budget, and specifications. Good luck.

Elyse: Thank you. Thanks for everything.

Karen leaves.

Bill pushes a rolling chair over to Elyse. He sits in the chair.

Bill: So, lets get to know each other. Tell me a little about yourself. Family, kids.

Elyse: I--

Bill: I don't have any myself. Though I was married once. Well, twice if you count my cousin. So what kind of stuff have you been working on lately?

Elyse: Well, for the last--

Bill: You know for my senior project I worked on an entire city of the future. Large enough for half a million people. It was quite a challenge. Maximizing, geometric estectics while maintaining a restrained functionalism. What did you say you did last?

Elyse: I just finished a remodel on the Wilson's ranch house. We totally redid the kitchen, which involved putting up a new beam to support the roof.

Bill: Wow. A beam.

Bill stands up.

Bill: Well, I guess you're pretty anxious to get your hands on those little babies.

Elyse: No, I can wait my turn.

Karen walks in.

Karen: Bill, I need to go over these design plans with you. There is nothing here I wanted. It's the opposite of what we discussed.

Karen leaves.

Bill: She wants me.

Bill leaves. Elyse walks over to one of the machines and sits down.

Elyse: Can't be much different from a typewriter.

Elyse starts typing.

Elyse: The quick brown fox.

Elyse makes a noise like a typewriter would when it gets to the end of a line. She presses a button. All kinds of noises go off. One of the machines starts spitting paper out. Elyse tries to stop it.

Elyse: Stop! Stop!

Elyse picks up the paper that continues to come out of the machine. She even tries sitting on it to stop the paper from continuing to come out of the machine.

Scene 5:
Livingroom: Mallory and Jennifer come down the stairs. Jennifer is wearing a dress that is partially sowed. Elyse is sitting at the table by the front door working on her work designs. Steven is sitting next to her. Alex is sitting on the couch.

Jennifer: What do you think?

Alex: It's very flattering.

Alex stands up.

Alex: Have you alerted Women's Wear Daily?

Jennifer: Mom, you've got to show Mallory how to do the other sleeve.

Elyse: Honey, I'm sorry. I forgot we were sowing tonight.

Mallory: I think I did a pretty good job don't you?

Steven: She'll grow into it.

Jennifer: I won't grow into it by Saturday. Mom, I need to wear it for Chrissy's party.

Elyse: Honey, I'm sorry. I can't help you tonight.

Jennifer: That's what you said for the past five nights.

Elyse: Ok, I'll tell you what. After you kids go to bed I'll finish it.

Mallory: But, the whole idea was for me to learn how to do it.

Elyse: Well, honey you can't have everything. I'm doing the best I can.

Steven: Girls, your Mother's really busy. I think we should let her work.

Jennifer: Well, if you're too busy for us.

Jennifer and Mallory go upstairs. Alex walks over to Elyse.

Alex: Mom, I sympathize with what you're going through. I mean, today's woman is in a very difficult position. Tradition and certainly biology have put her in the home. Under these ridiculous new feminist pressures for her to do things outside the home. Like developing a career. Your anxiety is natural Mom. You can't fool with Mother Nature.

Elyse: Say goodnight Alex.

Alex: Goodnight Alex.

Alex goes upstairs. Steven sits down at the table.

Steven: Elyse, I've done a lot of presentations. Sometimes a little joke can help you get off on the right foot. Maybe something like this. A guy and his dog go into a bar.

Elyse: Steven, that's ridiculous.

Steven: I'm just trying to help. Aren't you supposed to come up with just one design. Just one health club.

Elyse: Thank you Steven, I think I know what I'm doing. Look, once I've laid out all the options I'm going to synthesize them into a single coherent proposal.

Steven: Elyse.

Elyse: I can handle it!

Steven: Look Elyse, it's after ten o'clock. You promised to sow Jennifer's dress. You're going to be up all night. You're obviously overworked. Now why don't you talk to Karen about that.

Elyse stands up.

Elyse: I can't. I can't let her know I'm having problems already.

Steven stands up.

Steven: But you are. You're pretending you know how to use the computer. You're working at a pace that's much faster than you're used to. You're not used to their system there and you're afraid to ask questions.

Elyse: (dramatically): Why don't you just say I'm failing on the job?

Steven: All I'm saying is that maybe you should ask for a little help at work.

Elyse starts picking up in the livingroom.

Elyse: Well, I could use a little help around here too.

Steven: Well, I'd be glad to help.

Elyse: That is exactly what I don't want!

Steven looks at Elyse confused.

Steven: What are you talking about?

Elyse: (raises her voice) You know what I'm talking about. For the past two weeks you've (starts counting on her fingers), done more cooking then usual, spending more time with the kids, you've been sweeter.

Elyse starts yelling even louder: Kinder, more understanding then you have ever been in your life.

Elyse makes a motion with her hand.

Elyse: And I am sick of it!

Steven looks at Elyse.

Scene 6:
Elyse's Work: Elyse, Karen, Bill and Mr. Halafax are present. Bill is giving his presentation.

Bill: In conclusion, Mr. Halafax, my goal here was to design an office that was more impressive than the offices of the heads of General Motors, IBM, and AT&T. Of course in my opinion, you're a more impressive executive then any of those men.

Mr. Halafax: I understand.

Bill: Well, that's the office in a nutshell. It was a pleasure to design and if I may be as bold as to say you were an inspiration.

Bill bows and Elyse looks at him.

Karen: Thank you Bill that was very good. What do you think Mr. Halafax?

Mr. Halafax: It wasn't what I had in mind at all.

Bill: I didn't think so.

Bill takes down his design off the bulletin board and tears it in half.

Bill: And that is why I am going to work on this until I get it exactly right.

Mr. Halafax: It's not what I had in mind, but I thought it was brilliant.

Bill takes the two pieces and tacks them back up on the bulletin board.

Bill: Boy, you have a keen eye. Sure you never studied architecture yourself?

Mr. Halafax: Positive. Never been to college. Self made man.

Bill: I didn't want to go to college either. My parents made me.

Karen: Well, Mr. Halafax, I'm so glad you're pleased with the office building.

Karen stands up.

Karen: Now, Elyse is going to show us what the health club is going to be like.

Bill: I warmed him up for you Elyse, go get him.

Elyse stands up. She has her design in her hands.

Elyse: I'm real excited about this project Mr. Halafax as I'm sure you are too.

Mr. Halafax just looks at Elyse.

Elyse: Before I start the presentation I'm reminded of a little story. This man and his dog go into a bar.

Karen: Elyse.

Bill is sitting at the table. Karen is standing behind him.

Bill: Oh, don't stop her this sounds good. What kind of a dog was it?

Karen: Bill. Elyse please continue.

Elyse: So the bartender says hey--

Karen: Elyse! The presentation.

Elyse lays a few designs on the table.

Elyse: Here is the one story plan. Here is the multi story plan and I have a special one. The underground gymnasium plan. Now within each plan there are several sub plans and we can go over the aspects of each and you can decide which one you like best.

Mr. Halafax: You're being cute right? You really just have one proposal. I mean you did design a health club didn't you?

Elyse: Well, I really didn't get a chance to narrow it down to just one. Believe me I wanted to, but I ran out of time last night.

Elyse picks up her design.

Elyse: I had to make all those lunches before I went to bed and then I lost the sleep on Jennifer's dress.

Mr. Halafax looks at Elyse. Elyse tacks up on the bulletin board her design.

Elyse: Let's start with the underground gymnasium plan. Now that will give you the best of all possible worlds.

Bill: And who deserves that more than you Mr. H.?

Mr. Halafax stands up.

Mr. Halafax: Karen, I'm a busy man. I don't have time to look through all these things. Now I'm paying this architectural firm to design my building. If I wanted to design it myself I would have done so.

Bill stands up.

Bill: And I bet you'd have done a heck of a job Mr. H.

Elyse looks at them.

Karen: I have an idea. Why don't you put some of these plans on the computer and we can see which you like best.

Elyse: Right. Well, I tell you what, why don't I just draw it up with pencil and paper. The computer is so impersonal.

Elyse picks up a piece of paper and a pencil.

Mr. Halafax: That's why I like it. Let's go.

Elyse looks at him.

Elyse: Well, forget it. I can't use the computer.

Mr. Halafax: Why not?

Elyse: I simply don't know how to use the machine. I've been faking it.

Mr. Halafax: Karen, what's going on here?

Elyse: Mr. Halafax, I apologize for wasting your time.

Elyse takes the design off the bulletin board.

Elyse: Karen, I'm sorry. I'm tired of pretending. Pretending I know everything about architecture today. Pretending that having a job and three kids is a piece of cake. The truth of the matter is that it's hard to design a building under this kind of pressure. It's hard using machines you've never even heard of before. It's damn hard coming back to work after all these years.

Elyse runs out of the office.

Scene 7:
Livingroom: Steven is sitting on the couch. Elyse is laying on the couch with her head on Steven's lap.

Elyse: Steven, I made such a fool out of myself. Whatever made me think I could handle a job like that?

Steven: Elyse, just because this one presentation didn't work out doesn't mean you're not qualified for the job.

Elyse sits up.

Steven: How did the joke go over?

Elyse looks at Steven.

Steven: Did you go (barks) like I told you?

Elyse covers her face with her hand. The doorbell rings. Steven gets up and answers it. Elyse comes up behind Steven. At the door is Karen and Bill.

Steven: Yeah?

Elyse: Oh, Steven, it's Karen and Bill from the office.

Steven: Oh, of course. Come on in.

Karen and Bill enter the house.

Bill: Hi Steven.

Steven; Hi.

Bill: Heard a lot about you big guy.

Bill and Steven shake hands.

Bill: I think you'll beat that morale's charge.

Karen is carrying her purse and Bill has a purse tucked under his arm.

Bill: Elyse, k pasa. Oh, you left your purse at the office.

Bill hands Elyse her purse.

Elyse : Thank you.

Bill: You have a lot of interesting things in there.

They all look at Bill.

Steven: I'm sure the three of you have a lot to talk about.

Bill: You're out of here.

Steven: You have a way with words Bill.

Steven goes upstairs.

Elyse: Come, sit down.

Karen: Elyse, why didn't you just tell me you were having problems? We all have problems at work. We all ask each other for help.

Bill and Karen sit on the couch.

Elyse: I guess I wanted you to think I could do the job.

Karen: Well, that's exactly what I do think.

Elyse looks at Karen.

Karen: Elyse, you have years of experience. You're practical and yet one of the most creative people I have ever met.

Elyse: Thank you. I am really embarrassed. I've been trying to do everything and I can't do it. I thought that's what you expected of me. All the anger and frustration built up and well just came out. I'm sorry.

Bill: Actually, it was something to see. You're quite beautiful when you're angry.

Elyse looks at him.

Karen: We sifted through your ideas at the office. You came up with some good things.

Karen stands up and walks over to Elyse.

Karen: What I think we should do is talk about them together.

Elyse: You still want me to work on the project?

Karen: Yes, I do. We'll talk about it in the morning.

Elyse: Oh thank you for the second chance.

Bill walks over to Elyse.

Elyse: I was ready to come by tomorrow and clean out my desk.

Bill: Well, you can clean out mine. I'll give you a blowtorch.

Karen: We have to be going. We're meeting Mr. Halafax for dinner.

Bill: I sure hope it goes better then the last time. He wouldn't let me eat until he was finished.

Elyse: Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. I really appreciate it.

Bill walks to the doorway. He puts his hand on the doorway.

Bill: Bye. One of your beams?

Bill and Karen leave. Elyse closes the front door.

Elyse: Steven, kids!

Jennifer, Alex and Mallory come into the livingroom from the kitchen. Steven comes downstairs.

Steven: What is it honey?

Elyse: I'm still a working woman.

Steven: Oh! Great!

Jennifer and Mallory sit on the couch. Alex sits on the arm of the couch next to Mallory.

Elyse: I think I owe everyone an apology.

Alex: I think that's a very noble jester. What did you do?

Elyse: Ever since I started working. I've taken all of my irritability, and nervousness out on you. I'm sorry. I was trying to be the perfect working woman, the perfect mother, the perfect wife and that's crazy because I'm not perfect.

Alex: Mom, perfection's overrated. I know, I've been there.

They look at Alex.

Steven: Well, it hasn't been all your fault Elyse. If you're going to work we've got to make some adjustments too.

Jennifer: As a future working woman I'm with you one hundred percent.

Mallory: That goes double for me. Not the bit about working.

Alex: I think what we're trying to say is we're willing to help out more.

Elyse: Thank you.

Alex: So Mom, what's for dinner?

They all look at Alex.

Alex: What I mean is, what would you like us make you for dinner?

Elyse smiles, nods her head and points.

The End

I'm starting a new thread with transcripts and I'm gonna organise it better than the last one k. :) If u have a transcript email it to me at techno_chocolate_@hotmail.com.


POSTED:
Page 1 - Pilot
Page 2 - Not with my sister you don't
Page 3 - Sherry Baby
Page 4 - Margin of Error
Page 5 - The fifth Wheel
Page 6 - Speed trap
Page 7 - Hotline fever
Page 8 - Don't kiss me I'm only the messenger
Page 9 - Fool for Love
Page 10 - The paper chase (aka) Mallory's graduation
Page 11 - Anniversary Waltz
Page 12 - A, My name is Alex
Page 13 - D is For Date
Page 14 - Dream Date
Page 15 - Give Uncle Arthur A Kiss
Page 16 - Cold Storage
Page 17 - Elyse D'Arc
Page 18 - I know Jennifer's boyfriend
Page 19 - Oops
Page 20 - Walking on air
Page 21 - 4 Rms Ocn Vu
Page 22 - Have Gun Will Unravel
Page 23 - My Best Friend's Girl
Page 24 - Big Brother Is Watching
Page 25 - A Christmas Story
Page 26 - No Nukes Is Good Nukes (Thanksgiving Episode)
Page 27 - Working At It

COMING SOON:
1. Invasion Of the Psychologist snatchers
2. The Wrecker's Ball
3. Alex doesn't live here anymore
4. Job Not Taken
5. Auntie Up

That's enough to keep me going for a while but some transcripts I want are:

The Real thing (Pts 1&2)
The Fugitive (Pts 1&2)
Heartstrings (Pts 1, 2 & 3)
Summer of '82
Say Uncle
They Can't Take That Away From Me (Pts 1&2)

Anyone game enough to do them for me? :p
Thanx! :wave:
I could try to do one that you don't have listed that you want if you still need it transcribed. I could do Last of the Red Hot Psychologists. If you still need that one let me know and I could maybe do it for you.

It will take me awhile to do it because I have never done it before. So you watch the episode right? Then you just type out word for word what they say?

ok thanks. I will probably start transcribing it tomorrow. I don't know since it is the 4th of July it will probably be Tuesday.

I am going to try and start transcribing it today. I don't know how long it will take me. I will start it though.

(Opening Credits)

Scene I:Alex is in the Kitchen standing by the toaster waiting for the bread to pop up.
Alex: (Catches the toast when it pops up puts it on the plate) ahhh
Alex: Hey Mom.
Elyse: Good Morning honey
Alex: Where's Andy? He was supposed to be down 15 minutes ago.
Elyse: He's upstairs getting dressed.
Alex: It's his first day of kindergarden mom,he doesn't want to be late. Most of the kids that I knew that were late for kindergarden, never bounced back. Some are unemployed, some are in jail, the rest are at Grant College.
(Elyse is looking at the newspaper with a cup of coffee in her hand. She sits down at the kitchen table)
Elyse: It seems like yesterday we were taking you to your first day of Kindergarden, what a nightmare that was.
(Alex puts a plate with bread on it down on the table) Alex: I thought it went rather smoothly.
Elyse: No, once you found out that your kindergarden teacher's name was Mrs. McGovern, you became hysterical.We could not convince you that she wasn't really the George McGovern you kept screaming "Nixon's the one, four more years."
(Mallory and Jennifer come into the kitchen from near the pantry)
Mallory: Jennifer, I'm telling you, you look great.
Jennifer: I just want a second opinion. Mom, what do you think of this blouse?
Elyse: The blouse is fine. Where did you get the pants.
Jennifer: Well Mal and I went shopping yesterday.
Elyse: Well, how did they get so ripped?
Mallory: We had them done at the store. It costs a little extra, but it's worth it to get them ripped professionally huh.
(Jennifer's looks down at her pants)
Elyse: Jen, your not wearing those pants to school.
Jennifer: Why? When you guys were in school all your clothes were ripped. I've seen pictures.
Elyse: That's different.
Jennifer: Why?
(Elyse hands her cup of coffee to Jennifer)
Elyse: I'll go ask your father.
Mallory: Jen, I am telling you, you are going to do great in high school.
Alex: (buttering some bread)yeah Jen, what are you worried about. This is Harding High, this is my Alma Mater. Let's see your schedule.(Jennifer gives her schedule to Alex)
Alex: Ok. First period you got Mr. Gibson for English, he loved me, wrote me a recomendation for college,second period Mrs. Hentak for Math, she wrote me two recomendations for college, third period Mr.Cawlfmen for science, he drove me to college.
(Andy comes into the kitchen through the kitchen door)
Alex: Andy, Andy lets get to work buddy.(puts Andy up on the counter)we got alot of ground to cover here, first day of kindergarden you want to get off to a good start. Right?
Andy: I'm ready Alex.
Alex: First thing your teacher is going to ask is what you did over the summer. Now alot of kids are going to say I went to the zoo, or I went to the beach,or I went to a baseball game. What are you gonna say?
Andy: I watched the I-ran contra hearings(smiles and blinks)
Alex: And
Andy: President Reagan doesn't know anything.
Alex: Doesn't know anything about the scandal ok you don't want to be quoted out of context.
Andy: Alex, we've been over this a thousand times.
Alex: Just(kisses Andy on the forehead)humor me ok.(Puts Andy down from being on the counter)
(Steven and Elyse come into the kitchen near the pantry area)
Steven: Because our ripped pants were a political statement.
Jennifer and Mallory: What?
Steven: That's why we could wear ripped pants to school and you can't.
Mallory: Forget about the pants for a minute. What do you think of the blouse?(moving Jennifer's hair out of the way so that Steven could see the blouse)
Steven: The blouse I like. It's hip, it's rad, it's narly.
Mallory: (Looking at Jennifer) You'll have to change it.
Steven: Ok. Keaton school bus leaving in 15 minutes, first up kindergarden.(Rubs Andy's hair) coming Alex?
(Mallory comes over to the table and takes some food.
Alex: Um, I don't have to be on campus til 11 dad.
Mallory: Tough schedule at Leland huh?
Alex: Mal, considering you go to a college that offers a graduate program in Trivial Pursuit. (Eats some cereal) I wouldn't start with the college jokes and for your information it's not a class, it's a psychology experiment.
Elyse: (Putting food in someone's lunch) I didn't you had an interest in psychology.
Alex: I don't. I have an interest in money.
Jennifer: Yes you've mentioned that.
Alex: (Alex gets up from the table with his bowl of cereal)Some psych major doing a paper on overachievers,put an ad in the Leland Gazzete looking for participants, so I thought I'd apply. It's 100 bucks just to see what makes a guy like me tick.
Elyse: Well, whatever you find out please let us know(kisses Alex on the cheek)
End of Scene I

Scene II: Psychology Lab: (Courtney Cox)Lauren is writing something and her chimp that she is teaching sign language to is banging something on the table.
Lauren: Chester(name of the chimp)please I'm trying to work here(chester bangs on the table again) Are you hungry? What are in the mood for?(Chester hits his head implying that he wants McNuggets) Lauren: Where did you learn the sign for McNuggets?(There is a knock on the door. Chester puts out his hand telling her that there is a knock on the door)Lauren: Thanks, I know it's the door.(Lauren goes and answers the door)Lauren: Hello, Can I help you?
Alex: ( Shakes her hand)Alex P. Keaton, overachiever.
Lauren: Good I'm Lauren Miller. Come in.
Alex: Thanks.
(A guy comes into the lab from another room)The Guy: Come on Chester lunchtime.
Lauren: He wants McNuggets
The Guy: Again?(Leaves with Chester)
Alex: Uh, I'm not gonna look like that when your done with me, am I?( refering to is he going to look like the chimp)
Lauren: No, no, no. Chester's here learning sign language, he has over a three hundred word vocabulary.
Alex: That's incredible(scratches his face)I have a sister who gets by on half that.(Laughing)
Lauren: A have a seat Alex.
Alex: Thanks(he sits down)
Lauren: So have you ever been the subject of a psychological profile before?
Alex: A not officially Lauren. Although when my younger sister Jennifer was in the fifth grade she had to do a paper on a member of the family. Chose me.
Lauren: That's sweet.
Alex: I still remember the title it was a He and Heavy, but he's annoying...(pause) he's my brother
Lauren: (sitting down) Well this study will probably be a little different, although I do like that title. Now let me see your Resume please.
Alex: (gets his resume out of his briefcase) I got it one sec(having a hard time getting it out, puts it down on the table it was really thick)There you go.
Lauren: Well you sure have been a busy little beaver haven't you?(Looking at how thick the resume is)
Alex: Lord knows I try.
Lauren: (opens up the resume reading it) Member of Phi Beta Cappa, President of the Young Ontupanuers Club,President of the Young Businessmen's Club, President of the Alliance of Young Ontupanuers and Young Businessmen. Thank god somebody finally got them together.
Alex: It wasn't really that hard, I was the only member of both clubs.

Lauren: Winner of the McKinley Fellowship, the Rotery Scholarship,the Wilson scholasrship, Alex this is really impressive. It seems like the only thing you haven't won yet is the Miss America Contest.
Alex: Well you know that's all political.
Lauren: I'm really glad that you'll be a part of this study(shaking Alex's hand)
Alex: You mean I'm excepted?
Lauren: Excepted? Alex you are the classic overachiever, you're the Babe Ruth of overachievers(Alex swings his arms like he is swinging a bat)
Lauren: We can start on Tuesday, the sessions will run about an hour.(Gets up from her seat)
Alex: Alright(closing his briefcase)
Lauren: Of course you'll be payed for your participation(goes and sits down at another table)
Alex: Paid, paid. Oh come on forget about. No it's really not necessary, it's reward enough for me to be able to help a fellow student in the pursuit of academic knowledge.
Lauren: Well it's $50 dollars a session.
Alex: (Just sits there like he is surprised that it is $50 dollars) The ad said $100.
Lauren: No, it's $100 for Skitzofrenics and $50 for overachievers
Alex: Why(gets up from his seat)What are you getting a two for one deal on Skitzofrenics?
Lauren: No. We just have variable rates depending on the particular study.
Alex: The ad said $100.
Lauren: No. I've got it right here(hands the newspaper to Alex)You see $100 for Skitzofrenicsl, $85 for Manicdepressives, and $50 for overachievers.
Alex: I don't believe this(puts paper down) I'm being penalized for being normal.
Lauren: Anyone who merged The Young Businessmen and The Young Ontuparnuers is not normal(gets up from her seat looking disgusted)
Alex: Oooo, ooooo what is that supposed to mean?
Lauren: It means that all you overachievers are exactly the same. You know all you care about is how much money you are getting payed, well what happened to the idea of helping a fellow student in the pursuit of academic knowledge?
Alex: I wouldn't exactly call a Psychology experiment academic knowledge.
Lauren: What's wrong with Psychology?
Alex: Nothing, nothing. It has it's place right up there with all the other make believe disiplines. Like Anthrapology, Socialogy, and my personal favorite Women's Studies.
Lauren: Well for your information Mr. Keaton, Psychology is a very real disipline, but of course I know it's not as exciting as sitting in a business class learning how to take over the world in one huge multinational merger.
Alex: Alright, ok, alright, don't start knocking business majors just cause we don't have time to sit around and get in touch with our feelings.
Lauren: No I know you don't. That's cause your to busy getting in touch with your Brokers.
Alex: (Points his finger at her) You leave my Broker out of this.
Lauren: I'll tell you what I don't know if you business, economic,yuppie, republican, overachievers have any feelings to get in touch with.
Alex: Oh, oh really well I've got a feeling, I've got a feeling that this whole thing is a mistake(grabs his briefcase)See I know where this study is going, your trying to show that just because I am an overachiever that I have no soul, that all I think about is money. Well let me tell you something missy you are wrong(walks out the door,comes back in) And I'm not doing this for a penny less than $75.
End of Scene II

Scene III: Elyse, Steven, and Mallory are in the kitchen. Elyse and Steven are making dinner and Mallory is setting the table.
(Alex comes into the kitchen through the back door)Alex: Hey, sorry I'm so late.
Elyse: How did the Psychology session go?
Alex: Oh Mom if you don't mind I'd rather not talk about it.
Elyse: Sorry( cutting some vegetables)
Mallory: I had a great first day. I'm taking this biology course and I thought it would be really boring, but I found a way to relate it to my major.
Alex: You found a way to relate Biology in Fashion Design?
Mallory: Uh huh. My first research paper is gonna be called Darwin and the Survival of the Best Fitted.(Elyse and Steven look at each other)
Elyse: That's interesting honey.
Mallory: My basic premise is that certain animal species became extinct for the same reason certain types of clothes disappeared, they simply go out of style. In other words the dinosaur and the leisure suit suffered the same fate.
Steven: I think it's a little more complex than that Mallory, you see the dinosaurs became extinct because of some very servere climactic changes in the earth's temperature.
Mallory: Exactly. They didn't have a good winter wardrobe, meanwhile the mammals were running around in stylish fur coats so they survived.
Steven: That's great honey, that's great
Alex: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, there's no way that happened.
Mallory: How do you know, were you there?
Alex: I've taken enough history to know that the dinosaur's problem was not a lack of earmuffs.
Mallory: What's your problem tonight?
Elyse: Yeah what's bothering you honey, did something go wrong at the psychology session?
Alex: I go to see this girl this Lauren Miller girl right the one that's conducting the experiment on overachivers. Anyway things started out fine we said hello exchanged a few pleasantries and the next thing you know we get into this hug argument about money.( Mallory is getting food out of the refridgerator)
Steven: In other words the same thing that happens when you meet anybody.
Alex: Even though the ad clearly stated $100 dollars per session,(Mallory is getting glasses down) she tells me that's just for skitzofrenics it's so typical of psychology I'm being payed less money because I only have one personality(puts some food in his mouth)
Mallory: (Holding some glasses) If that.
Alex: Then she starts accusing me of being just like all the other overachievers of only being interested in money and a status you know, not having time for the more emotional areas in my life. I'm telling you, no one has irritated me this much, this fast since the first time I met Ellen.(Everybody just stares at him) Oh come on I know what your thinking your thinking I'm falling for this girl no way that's not true.
Mallory: (Sitting down in at the table) Alex and Lauren sittin in a tree.
Alex: (looking at Mallory like he is mad)Why don't you go put some earmuffs on a dinosaur, Mal.
(Phone rings, Steven answers it)
Steven: Oh uh mmmm just a second. Alex it's Lauren Miller(holds out phone for Alex to come and take it)
Alex: It is(pouring some juice in glass and it overflows when he finds out it is Lauren)What does she want?
Steven: She agrees to $75 and she wants to know if you'll start Tuesday.
Alex: (Sits down) Just uh tell her I'm eating, no uh tell her I'm in the shower(gets up gets ready to go out of the kitchen through the swinging door)no (goes and picks salad up from the table)no uh tell her I'm eating in the shower.( leaves through the swinging door)
Steven: You know I think he might be able to get that skitzofrenic rate after all.(talking to Elyse and Mallory)
End of Scene III

Scene IV: Psychology Lab: Lauren is sitting at the table and Chester is sitting there too. Chester picks up a picture of Alex.
Lauren: Yes, Alex is coming back.(Chester starts ripping the picture with his mouth)Lauren: I know how you feel about him(Chester makes noises with his mouth Lauren continues writing. There's a knock on the door, Lauren answers it)
Alex: Alex P. Keaton, overachiever.(Chester gets up from his chair and goes into another room, screaming at Alex)Alex: Hey Chester, how are you doing buddy? What does it mean when he holds up his middle finger like that?
Lauren: Exactly what you think it means.
Alex: Oh.
Lauren: Look Alex, before we get started I would officially like to apologize for my behavior the other day, it was very unprofessional.
Alex: Look, I'd like to apologize also. I didn't mean to slander Psychology, it's definetly better than Women's Studies.
Lauren: And I'm sorry I criticized your incredible all consuming money obsession.
Alex: That is how you normally exchange apologies, it's all we got.
Lauren: Shall we get to work then.(putting some velcrow things on his fingers)
Alex: Sure. Hey whoa whoa wait a minute I don't want to harp on this money issue, but if your going to electricute me I'd like another $75 for my family.
Lauren: Alex, this is just a Polygraph Machine(rolls up his sleeve) if someone displays undo tension or an increase in pulse when answering a question, the machine buzzes and I know their not telling the truth.(puts a velcro strip around his arm)does it really bother you?
Alex: Absolutley not, I got nothing to hide.(the machine beeps)
Lauren: (Sitting down) Oh good, it's working. First I'd like to ask you a few questions to see how well you fit in with the rest of the subject group.
Question: Now Politically, would you describe yourself as Libral, Middle of the Road, or Conservative?
Alex: Well I don't really like Political Lables(machine beeps) Conservative.
Lauren: Thank you. Question: Now the overachievers, they tend to maticulously plan out every aspect of their lives, from graduation to retirement, do you see yourself as an obsessive planner?
Alex: Me?(points to himself)No(machine beeps) well I wouldn't really say obsessive.(beep)I'm a planning maniac.
Lauren: Question: Now the typical overachiever is so focused on classes and career, that there's not much time left for dating. Would you say you have a very active social life?
Alex: An active active social life.
Lauren: Yeah are you actively dating?
Alex: Sighs. Well, I go out on a couple of dates a week, maybe more(BEEP!)This particular week was a little slow(BEEP)This particular year was a little slow(BEEP)
Lauren: Your lucky you don't have one of these strapped to you in real life(turns off machine)
Alex: I'm not very good at sitting here answering these personal questions, maybe if there's a little more give and take, maybe if I asked you some personal questions(taking off the stuff on him from the machine)
Lauren: Alex, I'm not the one that's being studied here, I'm not the overachiever.
Alex: You not doing to bad I mean not everybody gets to do an honors thesis in Psychology.(Lauren helps him take off the stuff from his arm)
Lauren: That's different. Psychology has always come very naturally for me, I mean even when I was a kid I was(looks at Alex) You really don't want to hear about this.
Alex: No, no I do. It will make us more comfortable with each other. I'll be able to lie in a much more relaxed fashion(rolling down his sleeve)
Lauren: (pouring some coffee for her and Alex) I remember when I was a kid,my mother came into my room and she was screaming at me because I'd made a huge mess in the kitchen(handing a cup of coffee to Alex)she must have yelled at me for about an hour and when she finished I looked at her very calmly and said "So how does that make you feel mom?"
Alex: That must have driven her crazy.
Lauren: The crazier she got, the more interested I became in Psychology. I mean all my girlfriends had pictures of David Cassidy and John Travolta in their lockers at school, I had this big picture of Froyd.
Alex: All my friends had pictures of Jacklyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett and I had this big picture of Pat Nixon.
Lauren: Uh now that we are more relaxed with each other lets get back to work ok.
Alex: Uh how about you Lauren, are you actively dating?
Lauren: That's an area in my life that's in a holding pattern. I wish I could be as analytical about love as you overachievers, I guess you could say that I'm in the hopeless romantic category.
Alex: Right.
Lauren: You know, I don't think that we are going to get alot done today so why don't we just rap it up.
Alex: Or we could just continue talking about this informally maybe over a cup of coffee.
Lauren: Coffee? I don't know.
Alex: Is this a beverage problem?
Lauren: No, It's just we've got such a great psychologist/overachiever relationship that I'd hate to see that change
Alex: Right, I understand.
Lauren: Anyway I got a class in a couple of minutes.(Gets up from her seat0
Alex: Sure
Lauren: Oh, by the way Alex I'd like to come over to your house this week and talk to your family. I like to get a first hand look at each overachiever's home enviorment. I'll see ya( leaves the room)
Alex: Just what I need, a psychologist who makes house calls(holds his briefcase up to him)
End of Scene IV