Cactus Jack
02-21-2005, 08:28 PM
The Charkony Gang Variety Show
Cast
Jack Wilson ( Ron Burgundy )
Chad Doody
TF
Lucas
Joe ( Maroon 5’d)
Roby
Monica ( The Great Pretender)
Zoie ( Zuzzy )
Katie
Angela
Mackenzie
Also Featuring
JP
Kate
Announcer : IT’S THE CHARKONY VARIETY SHOW STARRING Jack Wilson ( Ron Burgundy )
Chad Doody
TF
Lucas
Joe ( Maroon 5’d)
Roby
Monica ( The Great Pretender)
Zoie ( Zuzzy )
Katie
Angela
Mackenzie
Also Featuring
JP
Kate
*audience applauds*
*they all come out on stage wearing 70s-ish clothes*
Jack : Hello, and welcome!
Joe : Hey, where’s Chad?
Jack : How would I know?
*Chad storms out wearing a Batman outfit* NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BATMAN!
TF : Chad, this is a variety show, not Batman
Chad : WHAT? YOU MUST PAY!
TF : Sorry
Roby : The Batman auditions are on another stage
*audience laughs*
Chad : Grr!
*audience laughs*
Kate : Hey! Let’s welcome the guests!
Chad : Great idea , Kate!
Jack : Umm Chad, they arranged for me to do this
Chad : What? OK we’ll do it together
Jack : Alright, tonight our specials guests are ELTON JOHN LET’S BRING HIM OUT HERE!
*Elton walks on stage in a white suit with polka dots on them*
Elton : Hello, there
Jack : ELTON! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!
Elton : Well, sure, Ill give you all my autograph
Im touring now
Roby : Touring, eh?
Elton : Yep
Chad : So will you sing for us today?
Elton : Yes, and I have another guest with me
Joe : Whos that?
Elton : PLEASE WELCOME, BILLY JOEL!
*Billy walks on stage in a cool red suit*
Billy : Hey guys
JP : Hey, Billy, did ya bring your uptown girl?
Billy : Yep *he brings out his wife*
Billy’s wife : Hey!
Jack : Well, I hope you both weren’t in the same car
*all laugh, so does audience*
Billy : Oh I wouldn’t do that I crashed into the studio next door though
Chad : YOU CRASHED INTO WHERE THE WERE FILMING THE WALTONS REUNION? THANK YOU!!!!
*all laugh and agree*
Jack : So did you see Richard Thomas’s mole?
Billy : Yes
Jack : How gigantic was it?
Billy : As big ad your head
All: Whoaaaaaaaaa!
Billy : Yeah
Chad : Okay, we have some more special guests later, now let’s get on with the show
Kate : Yes, it’s now time for some jokes and zingers!
*audience applauds*
Jack : A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
*audience laughs*
Chad : What did the duck say when it swam into a wall?
Audience : What?
Chad : Dam!
*all laugh*
Roby : A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian "bok" so the librarian gives him a book and the chicken leaves.
the next day the chicken comes back and says "bok bok" so the librarian gives him two books and the chicken leaves.
the next day the chicken comes in again and says "bok bok bok" so the librarian gives him three book and the chicken leaves....only this time the librarian decides to follow the chicken to see where hes going. So the chicken crosses the street into the forest and comes a upon a pond with a frog in the middle. As the chicken tosses the books to the frog one at a time, the frog just sits there and goes "Reddit...reddit....reddit
*audience laughs*
TF : If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be an elevator
*audience laughs*
Ah well she’d have her ups and downs…..WHAT? Dang why did they get the good ones?
Lucas : One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.
*audience laughs*
Joe : How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
*audience laughs*
Monica : A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
*audience laughs*
Zoie : Why did the brownie cross the road?
Audience : Why?
Zoie : Because it had legs
*audience laughs*
Katie : When Michael Jackson went to the hospital last week he made sure it was a children’s hospital and that he had the same room as a boy
*all laugh*
Angela : I heard my favorite show Boy Meets World is getting a spinoff, but Im not sure about it cause its called Boy Meets Michael Jackson
*audience laughs*
JP : I met a teenage boy one day he invited me to meet his girlfriend…then I got Cher’s autograph
Kate : I met a man named Flip, his last name was Dover
*audience laughs*
Jack : At the recent Superbowl, Paul McCartney appeared, he sang some Beatles songs and live and Let Die , they wouldn’t let him sing “:Why Don’t We Do It on the Road?”
*audience laughs*
You know , if George Harrison were still alive, they wouldn’t let him sing Here Comes the Sun, because it would remind people of that thing on Janet’s breast last year
*audience and rest of the cast laugh LOUDLY and Jack smiles*
Mackenzie : I have a new boyfriend, his name is Ben Dover
*audience laughs*
Roby : Now to sing a song ELTON JOHN!
*applause*
Elton : Thank you, now here’s one you’ll all remember
It's getting late
Have you seen my mates
Ma, tell me when the boys get here
It's seven o'clock
And I want to rock
Want to get a belly full of beer
My old man's drunker
Than a barrel full of monkeys
And my old lady she don't care
My sister looks cute
In her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair
Oh, don't give us
None of your aggravation
We had it with your discipline
Oh, Saturday night's
Alright for fighting
Get a little action in
Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright
Alright, alright
Wooo, oooh oooo
Well they're packed
Pretty tight in here tonight
I'm looking for a dolly
Who'll see me right
I may use a little muscle
To get what I need
I may sink a little drink and
Shout out, she's with me
A couple of the
Sounds that I really like
Are the sounds of a
Switchblade and a motorbike
I'm a juvenile product
Of the working class
Whose best friend floats
In the bottom of a glass
Oh, don't give us
None of your aggravation
We had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in
Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright
Alright, alright
Wooo, oooh oooo
Ohhhh, don't give us
None of your aggravation
We had it with your discipline
Cause Saturday night's
Alright for fighting
Get a little action in
Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright, alright, alright
Wooo, oooh oooo
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday night's alright
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday night's alright.....
*audience applauds*
Jack : Yeah! Now let’s hear it for Billy Joel
Billy : Thanks, here’s one you will know form me , its called “Big Shot”
Well, you went uptown
Riding in your limousine
With your fine Park Avenue clothes
You had the Dom Perignon in your hand
And the spoon up your nose
Oooh, and when you
Wake up in the morning
With your head on fire
And your eyes too bloody to see
Go on and cry in your coffee
But don't come bitching to me
Because you had to be
A big shot, didn't you
You had to open up your mouth
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the
Last word, last night
You know what everything's about
You had to have a white hot spotlight
You had to be a big shot last night
Woah, oh oh oh
They were all impressed
With your Halston dress
And the people that
You knew at Elaine's
And the story of your latest success
Kept em so entertained
Aw, but now you
Just don't remember
All the things you said
And you're not sure
That you want to know
I'll give you one hint, honey
You sure did put on a show
Yes, yes, you had to be
A big shot, didn't you
You had to prove it to the crowd
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the
Last word, last night
You're so much fun to be around
You had to have the
Front page, bold type
You had to be a big shot last night
Oh oh oh oh.......
Well, it's no big sin
To stick your two cents in
If you know when to leave it alone
But you went over the line
You couldn't see it
Was time to go home
No, no, no, no, no, no
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
You had to open up your mouth
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the
Last word, last night
So much fun to be around
You had to have the
White hot spot light
You had to be a
Big shot last night
Oh oh oh oh.....
Big shot, big shot
Big shot, big shot
*audience applauds*
Jack : Now, your hosts will do a medley of songs, we’ll start with this one
*music : “Get Ready” – The Temptations*
Jack :
Never met a girl could make me feel the way that you do
The rest
Youre alright
Chad :
Whenever Im asked what makes a my dreams real
I tell em you do
The rest :
Youre outta sight
All :
Well twiddley dee, twiddley dum
Look out baby cause here I come
Im bringing you a love thats true
Get ready, get ready
Start makin love to you
Get ready, get ready
Get ready, cause here I come
Get ready, cause here I come
*music changes to Afternoon Delight*
JP : Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been
When it's right, it's right
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night
The rest and JP :
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
And we know the night
Is always gonna be there any way
Elton John :
Thinking of you’s workin’ up my appetite
Billy Joel :
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Everybody :
Rubbin' sticks and stones together
Makes the sparks ingite
and the thought of lovin’ ' you
Is getting so exciting
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
*music It’s Still Rock and To Me- Billy Joel*
Billy Joel :
What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing
Can't you tell that your tie's too wide
Maybe I should buy some old tab collars
Welcome back to the age of jive
Elton John : Where have you been hidin' out lately, honey
You can't dress trashy
'Til you spend a lot of money
Jack : Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but it's still rock and roll to me
Chad : What's the matter with the car I'm drivin'
Can't you tell that it's out of style
Roby : Should I get a set of white wall tires
Are you gonna cruise a miracle mile
Nowadays you can't be too sentimental
Lucas : You best bet's a true baby blue Continental
TF : Hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk
It's still rock and roll to me
Joe : Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in the papers
'Cause it's always been the same old scene
Monica : There's a new band in town
But you can't get the sound
Zoie : From a story in a magazine
Aimed at your average teen
Katie : How about a pair of pink sidewinders
And a bright orange pair of pants
Angela : Well, you could really be a Beau Brummel baby
If you just give it half a chance
Mackenzie : Don't waste your money on a new set of speakers
You get more mileage from a cheap pair of sneakers
JP : Next phase, new wave , dance craze, anyways
Kate : It's still rock and roll to me
Everybody : EVERYBODY’S TALKIN’ ‘BOUT THE NEW SOUND FUNNY BUT IT’S STILL ROCK AND ROLL TO ME!
*medley ends as audience applauds*
*we cut to a sketch, it is a classroom filled with kids, some of the cast and extras are the kids*
Teacher ( played by Katie) : Hello , class. Today you will have a substitute, , his name is Arnold P. Fudwupper, I want you to be very nice to him, ok?
Class : Ok, bye Mrs. Benson!
*Arnold P. Fudwupper, played by Jack, enters theroom, he has an assistant, played by Lucas*
Arnold : Hey kids, how ya doin’?
Class : Hello, Mr. Fudwupper, great
Bradley (played by Joe ) : Oh! Mr. Fudwupper! Im Bradley Johnson!
Arnold : IM Arnold P. Fudwupper, Im 45 years old, I have lots of jobs, this is my assistant, Joey Mantiano, show’em what ya do!
Joey : ( he talks like Joe Peaci) : Hey, hey hey you guys bettah behave, or Ill cal yer parents , that wont be pretty
Bradley : Don’t call my parents please!
Joey : Then behave
*audience laughs*
Arnold : Ok, let’s take roll ( he checks off the names of the people that are there )
Arnold : So this is an art class, eh?
Class : Yep!
Arnold : Draw anything!
Girl ( played by Mackenzie ) : Cool, can I draw something BAD?
Arnold : Like what?
Girl : The principal *class giggles*
Arnold : Yeah sure
Joey : Where is he? Ill bust a cap in his bad rump!
Arnold : Not now, Joey
Joey : Ok
Arnold : YES! You have a question?
Girl ( named Emily , same one as before) : How does this look? *shows the picture*
Arnold : Great! Joey, what do ya think? *gives him the pic*
Joey : It’s great, let me add on to it *draws a bad two pillows one with a horse’s head on it* There that’s’ bettah!
*audience laughs*
Arnold : *laughs* I love it
*audience laughs*
Bradley : Do any of you have girlfriends? Wives?
Arnold : Talkin to Joey and I?
Bradley : Yes!
Arnold : Yeah I have a wife
Joey : I got a girlfriend
Emily : What does the P stand for in your name, MR. Fudwupper
Arnold : Paulie
Bradley: Cooooooooool!
Arnold : Yeah
Joey : Yeah
Another girl ( played by Zoie) : Oh my god, like my picture is like so great , totally hot
Arnold : Ok, lemme see it
*it is a picture of the principal dressed in glittery clothes*
Arnold : Hmmmm, *laughs to self* Joey look at this
Joey : Hey, look, he’s “gay”
Girl : Yep he sure looks happy
*audience laughs*
“Arnold and Joey laugh”
Arnold : I wonde rif he’ll come out of the clos…OFFICE!
*all laugh, so does audience*
Girl : What do you mean?
Arnold : Ask your parents
Joey : Yeah
Girl : Can I give this to him?
Arnold : Ask your teacher when she’s back tomorrow, hold on to it
Girl : Ok, SWEET!
*Next day, same class*
Mrs. Benson : Show me all your pictures she receives them all, notices the principal one where he looks gay and starts laughing*
I love this one
Girl : Thank you Oh my god!
Mrs. Benson : Susan . show this to him
Susan : Ok *she goes to his office gives it to him, then the principal is heard on the intercom*
Principal : Ok ok, everyone! Im now admitting it, IM GAY!
*audience laughs, sketch ends as they applaud*
Announcer : Now it’s time for WEEKLY UPDATE With Jack Wilson
Jack : Hi, IM Jack Wilson, welcome to Weekly Update, here are tonight’s top stories
Rock Welcomes Oscar Time Delay
Oscar host Chris Rock has welcomed the introduction of a five-second time delay on ABC's television coverage of the awards ceremony later this month - because he can't guarantee he won't use any swear words. The Head Of State star is well-known for his use of strong language during his appearances as a stand-up comic - but he's not as worried about any potential slip ups as the American broadcasting network
Five second delay, Imagine how long the delay would be if Richard Pryor hosted
*audience laughs*
Prince Charles got married to Camilla Parker Bowles, and no she’s not that pretty
*audience laughs*
Mark Burnett, producer of The Apprentice is planning to make a musical base d on it
Hmm
”music of Tomorrow from Annie starts”
Let’s fire someone
Tomorrow!
I will end their jobs and they’ll feel sorrow
You’re fired!
You’re fired!
*music stops, audience laughs*
Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorcese are talking about making a sequel to the ‘70s classic “Taxi Driver.” It will be called, “You Talkin’ to Me, Focker?”
*audience laughs*
Next week is Oscar week, we may have an Oscar special so check that out
Here are my predictions
Best Picture - The Aviator
Best Actor - Jamie Foxx for Ray
Best Actress - Hilary Swank for Million Dollar Baby
Best Supporting Actor - Thomas Haden Church for Sideways (
Best Supporting Actress- Cate Blanchett for The Aviator
Best Director - Martin Scorsese
Best Screenplay - The Incredibles - Brad Bird
Best Screenplay – based on material previously produced – Sideways
Best Achievement in Cinematography - The Aviator
Best Achievement in Editing- Ray
Best Achievement in Art Direction – The Aviator
Best Achievement in Costume Design – The Aviator
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) - John Williams
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song- Shrek 2 (2004) - David Bryson, Adam Duritz, David Immerglück, Matthew Malley, Dan Vickrey, Charles Gillingham, Jim Bogios ("Accidentally In Love")
Best Achievement in Makeup- Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Best Achievement in Sound - Spider-Man 2 (2004) - Kevin O'Connell, Greg P. Russell, Jeffrey J. Haboush, Joseph Geisinger
Best Achievement in Sound Editing - The Incredibles (2004) - Michael Silvers, Randy Thom
Best Achievement in Visual Effects - Shrek 2 (2004) - Andrew Adamson
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year- Not sure
Best Documentary, Features - Super Size Me (2004) - Morgan Spurlock
Best Documentary, Short Subjects- Not sure
Best Short Film, Animated- Not Sure
Best Short Film, Live Action – Not sure
Those are my predictions
Ok that’s it for Weekly Update, more next week,IM Jack Wilson, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
*audience applauds*
Jack : Well, they’ve duetted before , now theyre gonna do it again, please welcome, ELTON JOHN AND BILLY JOEL!
Elton :
I remember when rock was young
Me and Suzie had so much fun
Holding hands and skimming stones
Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own
Billy :
But the biggest kick I ever got
Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock
While the other kids were Rocking Round the Clock
We were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock
Both :
Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will
Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights
When Suzie wore her dresses tight
And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight
La- La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la la
Elton :
But the years went by
And the rock just died
Suzie went and left us
For some foreign guy
Billy :
Long nights crying
By the record machine
Dreaming of my Chevy
And my old blue jeans
Both :
But they'll never kill
The thrills we've got
Burning up to the Crocodile Rock
Learning fast as the weeks went past
We really thought the
Crocodile Rock would last
Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will
Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights
When Suzie wore her dresses tight
And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight
La- La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la la
Elton :
I remember when rock was young
Me and Suzie had so much fun
Holding hands and skimming stones
Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own
Billy :
But the biggest kick I ever got
Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock
While the other kids were Rocking Round the Clock
We were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock
Both :
Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will
Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights
When Suzie wore her dresses tight
And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight
La- La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la la
*song ends, audience applauds*
Jack : And now a commercial break
*fake commercial comes on*
Announcer : Coming soon, Fear Factor will have its most shocking episode yet
Man : Oh no! I am NOT EATING THESE BUGS! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEase!
Joe Rogan : You have to, its for the sake for a lot of money
Man : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEEEEEEASSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Announcer : Actually, it’s a spinoff…………….QUEER FACTOR!
Joe Rogan: You, Victor, will now try to how many of those ants you can put into this bucket in 5 minutes
Man : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IM AFRAID! Ill get ant guts all over my pretty self!
Joe Rogan : DO IT!
Announcer : Queer Factor, coming to NBC
*audience laughs and applauses, sketch ends*
Jack : Ok! That;s just about it, id like to thank the Charkony Gang, thanks to Elton John and Billy Joel
*credits roll*
Announcere : Stay tuned next week, when our guests will be Adam West and Burt Ward!
Cast
Jack Wilson ( Ron Burgundy )
Chad Doody
TF
Lucas
Joe ( Maroon 5’d)
Roby
Monica ( The Great Pretender)
Zoie ( Zuzzy )
Katie
Angela
Mackenzie
Also Featuring
JP
Kate
Announcer : IT’S THE CHARKONY VARIETY SHOW STARRING Jack Wilson ( Ron Burgundy )
Chad Doody
TF
Lucas
Joe ( Maroon 5’d)
Roby
Monica ( The Great Pretender)
Zoie ( Zuzzy )
Katie
Angela
Mackenzie
Also Featuring
JP
Kate
*audience applauds*
*they all come out on stage wearing 70s-ish clothes*
Jack : Hello, and welcome!
Joe : Hey, where’s Chad?
Jack : How would I know?
*Chad storms out wearing a Batman outfit* NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA BATMAN!
TF : Chad, this is a variety show, not Batman
Chad : WHAT? YOU MUST PAY!
TF : Sorry
Roby : The Batman auditions are on another stage
*audience laughs*
Chad : Grr!
*audience laughs*
Kate : Hey! Let’s welcome the guests!
Chad : Great idea , Kate!
Jack : Umm Chad, they arranged for me to do this
Chad : What? OK we’ll do it together
Jack : Alright, tonight our specials guests are ELTON JOHN LET’S BRING HIM OUT HERE!
*Elton walks on stage in a white suit with polka dots on them*
Elton : Hello, there
Jack : ELTON! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!
Elton : Well, sure, Ill give you all my autograph
Im touring now
Roby : Touring, eh?
Elton : Yep
Chad : So will you sing for us today?
Elton : Yes, and I have another guest with me
Joe : Whos that?
Elton : PLEASE WELCOME, BILLY JOEL!
*Billy walks on stage in a cool red suit*
Billy : Hey guys
JP : Hey, Billy, did ya bring your uptown girl?
Billy : Yep *he brings out his wife*
Billy’s wife : Hey!
Jack : Well, I hope you both weren’t in the same car
*all laugh, so does audience*
Billy : Oh I wouldn’t do that I crashed into the studio next door though
Chad : YOU CRASHED INTO WHERE THE WERE FILMING THE WALTONS REUNION? THANK YOU!!!!
*all laugh and agree*
Jack : So did you see Richard Thomas’s mole?
Billy : Yes
Jack : How gigantic was it?
Billy : As big ad your head
All: Whoaaaaaaaaa!
Billy : Yeah
Chad : Okay, we have some more special guests later, now let’s get on with the show
Kate : Yes, it’s now time for some jokes and zingers!
*audience applauds*
Jack : A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
*audience laughs*
Chad : What did the duck say when it swam into a wall?
Audience : What?
Chad : Dam!
*all laugh*
Roby : A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian "bok" so the librarian gives him a book and the chicken leaves.
the next day the chicken comes back and says "bok bok" so the librarian gives him two books and the chicken leaves.
the next day the chicken comes in again and says "bok bok bok" so the librarian gives him three book and the chicken leaves....only this time the librarian decides to follow the chicken to see where hes going. So the chicken crosses the street into the forest and comes a upon a pond with a frog in the middle. As the chicken tosses the books to the frog one at a time, the frog just sits there and goes "Reddit...reddit....reddit
*audience laughs*
TF : If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be an elevator
*audience laughs*
Ah well she’d have her ups and downs…..WHAT? Dang why did they get the good ones?
Lucas : One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.
*audience laughs*
Joe : How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,"
Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung,
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
*audience laughs*
Monica : A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
*audience laughs*
Zoie : Why did the brownie cross the road?
Audience : Why?
Zoie : Because it had legs
*audience laughs*
Katie : When Michael Jackson went to the hospital last week he made sure it was a children’s hospital and that he had the same room as a boy
*all laugh*
Angela : I heard my favorite show Boy Meets World is getting a spinoff, but Im not sure about it cause its called Boy Meets Michael Jackson
*audience laughs*
JP : I met a teenage boy one day he invited me to meet his girlfriend…then I got Cher’s autograph
Kate : I met a man named Flip, his last name was Dover
*audience laughs*
Jack : At the recent Superbowl, Paul McCartney appeared, he sang some Beatles songs and live and Let Die , they wouldn’t let him sing “:Why Don’t We Do It on the Road?”
*audience laughs*
You know , if George Harrison were still alive, they wouldn’t let him sing Here Comes the Sun, because it would remind people of that thing on Janet’s breast last year
*audience and rest of the cast laugh LOUDLY and Jack smiles*
Mackenzie : I have a new boyfriend, his name is Ben Dover
*audience laughs*
Roby : Now to sing a song ELTON JOHN!
*applause*
Elton : Thank you, now here’s one you’ll all remember
It's getting late
Have you seen my mates
Ma, tell me when the boys get here
It's seven o'clock
And I want to rock
Want to get a belly full of beer
My old man's drunker
Than a barrel full of monkeys
And my old lady she don't care
My sister looks cute
In her braces and boots
A handful of grease in her hair
Oh, don't give us
None of your aggravation
We had it with your discipline
Oh, Saturday night's
Alright for fighting
Get a little action in
Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright
Alright, alright
Wooo, oooh oooo
Well they're packed
Pretty tight in here tonight
I'm looking for a dolly
Who'll see me right
I may use a little muscle
To get what I need
I may sink a little drink and
Shout out, she's with me
A couple of the
Sounds that I really like
Are the sounds of a
Switchblade and a motorbike
I'm a juvenile product
Of the working class
Whose best friend floats
In the bottom of a glass
Oh, don't give us
None of your aggravation
We had it with your discipline
Saturday night's alright for fighting
Get a little action in
Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright
Alright, alright
Wooo, oooh oooo
Ohhhh, don't give us
None of your aggravation
We had it with your discipline
Cause Saturday night's
Alright for fighting
Get a little action in
Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's alright, alright, alright
Wooo, oooh oooo
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday night's alright
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday, Saturday
Saturday night's alright.....
*audience applauds*
Jack : Yeah! Now let’s hear it for Billy Joel
Billy : Thanks, here’s one you will know form me , its called “Big Shot”
Well, you went uptown
Riding in your limousine
With your fine Park Avenue clothes
You had the Dom Perignon in your hand
And the spoon up your nose
Oooh, and when you
Wake up in the morning
With your head on fire
And your eyes too bloody to see
Go on and cry in your coffee
But don't come bitching to me
Because you had to be
A big shot, didn't you
You had to open up your mouth
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the
Last word, last night
You know what everything's about
You had to have a white hot spotlight
You had to be a big shot last night
Woah, oh oh oh
They were all impressed
With your Halston dress
And the people that
You knew at Elaine's
And the story of your latest success
Kept em so entertained
Aw, but now you
Just don't remember
All the things you said
And you're not sure
That you want to know
I'll give you one hint, honey
You sure did put on a show
Yes, yes, you had to be
A big shot, didn't you
You had to prove it to the crowd
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the
Last word, last night
You're so much fun to be around
You had to have the
Front page, bold type
You had to be a big shot last night
Oh oh oh oh.......
Well, it's no big sin
To stick your two cents in
If you know when to leave it alone
But you went over the line
You couldn't see it
Was time to go home
No, no, no, no, no, no
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
You had to open up your mouth
You had to be a big shot, didn't you
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the
Last word, last night
So much fun to be around
You had to have the
White hot spot light
You had to be a
Big shot last night
Oh oh oh oh.....
Big shot, big shot
Big shot, big shot
*audience applauds*
Jack : Now, your hosts will do a medley of songs, we’ll start with this one
*music : “Get Ready” – The Temptations*
Jack :
Never met a girl could make me feel the way that you do
The rest
Youre alright
Chad :
Whenever Im asked what makes a my dreams real
I tell em you do
The rest :
Youre outta sight
All :
Well twiddley dee, twiddley dum
Look out baby cause here I come
Im bringing you a love thats true
Get ready, get ready
Start makin love to you
Get ready, get ready
Get ready, cause here I come
Get ready, cause here I come
*music changes to Afternoon Delight*
JP : Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight
Gonna grab some afternoon delight
My motto's always been
When it's right, it's right
Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night
The rest and JP :
When everything's a little clearer in the light of day
And we know the night
Is always gonna be there any way
Elton John :
Thinking of you’s workin’ up my appetite
Billy Joel :
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight
Everybody :
Rubbin' sticks and stones together
Makes the sparks ingite
and the thought of lovin’ ' you
Is getting so exciting
Sky rockets in flight
Afternoon delight
Afternoon delight
*music It’s Still Rock and To Me- Billy Joel*
Billy Joel :
What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing
Can't you tell that your tie's too wide
Maybe I should buy some old tab collars
Welcome back to the age of jive
Elton John : Where have you been hidin' out lately, honey
You can't dress trashy
'Til you spend a lot of money
Jack : Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but it's still rock and roll to me
Chad : What's the matter with the car I'm drivin'
Can't you tell that it's out of style
Roby : Should I get a set of white wall tires
Are you gonna cruise a miracle mile
Nowadays you can't be too sentimental
Lucas : You best bet's a true baby blue Continental
TF : Hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk
It's still rock and roll to me
Joe : Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in the papers
'Cause it's always been the same old scene
Monica : There's a new band in town
But you can't get the sound
Zoie : From a story in a magazine
Aimed at your average teen
Katie : How about a pair of pink sidewinders
And a bright orange pair of pants
Angela : Well, you could really be a Beau Brummel baby
If you just give it half a chance
Mackenzie : Don't waste your money on a new set of speakers
You get more mileage from a cheap pair of sneakers
JP : Next phase, new wave , dance craze, anyways
Kate : It's still rock and roll to me
Everybody : EVERYBODY’S TALKIN’ ‘BOUT THE NEW SOUND FUNNY BUT IT’S STILL ROCK AND ROLL TO ME!
*medley ends as audience applauds*
*we cut to a sketch, it is a classroom filled with kids, some of the cast and extras are the kids*
Teacher ( played by Katie) : Hello , class. Today you will have a substitute, , his name is Arnold P. Fudwupper, I want you to be very nice to him, ok?
Class : Ok, bye Mrs. Benson!
*Arnold P. Fudwupper, played by Jack, enters theroom, he has an assistant, played by Lucas*
Arnold : Hey kids, how ya doin’?
Class : Hello, Mr. Fudwupper, great
Bradley (played by Joe ) : Oh! Mr. Fudwupper! Im Bradley Johnson!
Arnold : IM Arnold P. Fudwupper, Im 45 years old, I have lots of jobs, this is my assistant, Joey Mantiano, show’em what ya do!
Joey : ( he talks like Joe Peaci) : Hey, hey hey you guys bettah behave, or Ill cal yer parents , that wont be pretty
Bradley : Don’t call my parents please!
Joey : Then behave
*audience laughs*
Arnold : Ok, let’s take roll ( he checks off the names of the people that are there )
Arnold : So this is an art class, eh?
Class : Yep!
Arnold : Draw anything!
Girl ( played by Mackenzie ) : Cool, can I draw something BAD?
Arnold : Like what?
Girl : The principal *class giggles*
Arnold : Yeah sure
Joey : Where is he? Ill bust a cap in his bad rump!
Arnold : Not now, Joey
Joey : Ok
Arnold : YES! You have a question?
Girl ( named Emily , same one as before) : How does this look? *shows the picture*
Arnold : Great! Joey, what do ya think? *gives him the pic*
Joey : It’s great, let me add on to it *draws a bad two pillows one with a horse’s head on it* There that’s’ bettah!
*audience laughs*
Arnold : *laughs* I love it
*audience laughs*
Bradley : Do any of you have girlfriends? Wives?
Arnold : Talkin to Joey and I?
Bradley : Yes!
Arnold : Yeah I have a wife
Joey : I got a girlfriend
Emily : What does the P stand for in your name, MR. Fudwupper
Arnold : Paulie
Bradley: Cooooooooool!
Arnold : Yeah
Joey : Yeah
Another girl ( played by Zoie) : Oh my god, like my picture is like so great , totally hot
Arnold : Ok, lemme see it
*it is a picture of the principal dressed in glittery clothes*
Arnold : Hmmmm, *laughs to self* Joey look at this
Joey : Hey, look, he’s “gay”
Girl : Yep he sure looks happy
*audience laughs*
“Arnold and Joey laugh”
Arnold : I wonde rif he’ll come out of the clos…OFFICE!
*all laugh, so does audience*
Girl : What do you mean?
Arnold : Ask your parents
Joey : Yeah
Girl : Can I give this to him?
Arnold : Ask your teacher when she’s back tomorrow, hold on to it
Girl : Ok, SWEET!
*Next day, same class*
Mrs. Benson : Show me all your pictures she receives them all, notices the principal one where he looks gay and starts laughing*
I love this one
Girl : Thank you Oh my god!
Mrs. Benson : Susan . show this to him
Susan : Ok *she goes to his office gives it to him, then the principal is heard on the intercom*
Principal : Ok ok, everyone! Im now admitting it, IM GAY!
*audience laughs, sketch ends as they applaud*
Announcer : Now it’s time for WEEKLY UPDATE With Jack Wilson
Jack : Hi, IM Jack Wilson, welcome to Weekly Update, here are tonight’s top stories
Rock Welcomes Oscar Time Delay
Oscar host Chris Rock has welcomed the introduction of a five-second time delay on ABC's television coverage of the awards ceremony later this month - because he can't guarantee he won't use any swear words. The Head Of State star is well-known for his use of strong language during his appearances as a stand-up comic - but he's not as worried about any potential slip ups as the American broadcasting network
Five second delay, Imagine how long the delay would be if Richard Pryor hosted
*audience laughs*
Prince Charles got married to Camilla Parker Bowles, and no she’s not that pretty
*audience laughs*
Mark Burnett, producer of The Apprentice is planning to make a musical base d on it
Hmm
”music of Tomorrow from Annie starts”
Let’s fire someone
Tomorrow!
I will end their jobs and they’ll feel sorrow
You’re fired!
You’re fired!
*music stops, audience laughs*
Robert DeNiro and Martin Scorcese are talking about making a sequel to the ‘70s classic “Taxi Driver.” It will be called, “You Talkin’ to Me, Focker?”
*audience laughs*
Next week is Oscar week, we may have an Oscar special so check that out
Here are my predictions
Best Picture - The Aviator
Best Actor - Jamie Foxx for Ray
Best Actress - Hilary Swank for Million Dollar Baby
Best Supporting Actor - Thomas Haden Church for Sideways (
Best Supporting Actress- Cate Blanchett for The Aviator
Best Director - Martin Scorsese
Best Screenplay - The Incredibles - Brad Bird
Best Screenplay – based on material previously produced – Sideways
Best Achievement in Cinematography - The Aviator
Best Achievement in Editing- Ray
Best Achievement in Art Direction – The Aviator
Best Achievement in Costume Design – The Aviator
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Score- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) - John Williams
Best Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures, Original Song- Shrek 2 (2004) - David Bryson, Adam Duritz, David Immerglück, Matthew Malley, Dan Vickrey, Charles Gillingham, Jim Bogios ("Accidentally In Love")
Best Achievement in Makeup- Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Best Achievement in Sound - Spider-Man 2 (2004) - Kevin O'Connell, Greg P. Russell, Jeffrey J. Haboush, Joseph Geisinger
Best Achievement in Sound Editing - The Incredibles (2004) - Michael Silvers, Randy Thom
Best Achievement in Visual Effects - Shrek 2 (2004) - Andrew Adamson
Best Foreign Language Film of the Year- Not sure
Best Documentary, Features - Super Size Me (2004) - Morgan Spurlock
Best Documentary, Short Subjects- Not sure
Best Short Film, Animated- Not Sure
Best Short Film, Live Action – Not sure
Those are my predictions
Ok that’s it for Weekly Update, more next week,IM Jack Wilson, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!
*audience applauds*
Jack : Well, they’ve duetted before , now theyre gonna do it again, please welcome, ELTON JOHN AND BILLY JOEL!
Elton :
I remember when rock was young
Me and Suzie had so much fun
Holding hands and skimming stones
Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own
Billy :
But the biggest kick I ever got
Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock
While the other kids were Rocking Round the Clock
We were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock
Both :
Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will
Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights
When Suzie wore her dresses tight
And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight
La- La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la la
Elton :
But the years went by
And the rock just died
Suzie went and left us
For some foreign guy
Billy :
Long nights crying
By the record machine
Dreaming of my Chevy
And my old blue jeans
Both :
But they'll never kill
The thrills we've got
Burning up to the Crocodile Rock
Learning fast as the weeks went past
We really thought the
Crocodile Rock would last
Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will
Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights
When Suzie wore her dresses tight
And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight
La- La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la la
Elton :
I remember when rock was young
Me and Suzie had so much fun
Holding hands and skimming stones
Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own
Billy :
But the biggest kick I ever got
Was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock
While the other kids were Rocking Round the Clock
We were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock
Both :
Well Crocodile Rocking is something shocking
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will
Oh Lawdy mama those Friday nights
When Suzie wore her dresses tight
And the Crocodile Rocking was out of sight
La- La-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la la
*song ends, audience applauds*
Jack : And now a commercial break
*fake commercial comes on*
Announcer : Coming soon, Fear Factor will have its most shocking episode yet
Man : Oh no! I am NOT EATING THESE BUGS! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEase!
Joe Rogan : You have to, its for the sake for a lot of money
Man : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO PLEEEEEEASSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Announcer : Actually, it’s a spinoff…………….QUEER FACTOR!
Joe Rogan: You, Victor, will now try to how many of those ants you can put into this bucket in 5 minutes
Man : NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IM AFRAID! Ill get ant guts all over my pretty self!
Joe Rogan : DO IT!
Announcer : Queer Factor, coming to NBC
*audience laughs and applauses, sketch ends*
Jack : Ok! That;s just about it, id like to thank the Charkony Gang, thanks to Elton John and Billy Joel
*credits roll*
Announcere : Stay tuned next week, when our guests will be Adam West and Burt Ward!