heres my favorite quote it is so funny.

Darlene and David are sitting on her bed reading when roseanne comes in.


Roseanne. you 2 are kaving sex!


Darlene. we are David why didnt you tell me i would have put down my book.

Nancy: Thank God we all brought our ovaries.

Crystal: How do you like your marshmallows, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Like my men, crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

Roseanne: Quick, they're gone. Change the locks.

Bev:Where do you keep your citrus fruit?
Roseanne: I think there's an orange under the dryer...

Kathy: I'm in hell.
Roseanne: Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code though.

Roseanne: Ya know Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more... fit in.
Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I suppose to wonder around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?
Roseanne: Now you're getting it. Yeah. Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to THE OTHERS.
Kathy: What are you talking about?
Roseanne: Oh, we all use to be like you Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying... but now... we're the Lanford Wives.
Kathy: Goodbye, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, it's useless to try and resist us Kathy, we already have Jerry - Jerry's one of us - Jerry joined the lodge.
Kathy: You're a sick woman Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise Kathy. Just think about it... swap meets... bowling meets... bingo... double coupon week... casino night at the slaughter house. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.

It's this one, totally:

Dan: What a beautiful day - the kind of day that starts with a hearty breakfast and ends with a newsreader saying, "... before turning the gun on himself."

Here are a couple of my faves that come to mind now.

Roseanne- "bitch bitch bitch, that's all you ever ARE".

(about Roseanne's pregnancy test)
DJ- I WANNA READ THE STICK.
Darlene- GOD, DJ, it's not like licking the spoon.

Jackie- Tourrine of BEEF. (haha, it was just the moment).

I can probably think of more later, lol. This show has so many funny lines, it's hard to remember them all. <3. xoxo.

Darlene on kissing-You Open Your Mouth...FOR WHAT
Roseanne-So u can slip em the tongue.

santa claus episode where darlene gets a new friend named karen,she tells her parents about her,then after dan and roseanne say this-
Dan-hey there karen i like your nose ring
Roseanne-i say karen you naturally bald on one side of your head there
Dan-can i carry your gun for you there karen.



the saturday episode-jackie and roseanne are talking about dwright.
Jackie-oh i think hes kinda cute
Roseanne-you what?i bet his parents are brother and sister.

I have loads more dont wannabore ya all..

Becky (to Darlene): You can kiss my butt!
Darlene: Well haul it on over here, Jumbo!
Dan: No butt kissing at the table!

Sorry if this isn't word for word. I just laugh every time I hear it.

Roseanne to Jackie after breaking up with Gary

Roseanne: Are you insane? do you realise how many years i put in to Dan, Do you think he just came out of a box like that?

Darlene: "I can make you feel like a man, David. Take out the trash."

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Here are a couple of my faves that come to mind now.

Roseanne- "bitch bitch bitch, that's all you ever ARE".

(about Roseanne's pregnancy test)
DJ- I WANNA READ THE STICK.
Darlene- GOD, DJ, it's not like licking the spoon.

Jackie- Tourrine of BEEF. (haha, it was just the moment).

I can probably think of more later, lol. This show has so many funny lines, it's hard to remember them all. <3. xoxo.

Your first quote -- I don't believe Roseanne says "bitch." They are talking about Darlene's pitching -- and I think Roseanne says, "Pitch, pitch, pitch. All she ever does it pitch." Something like that.

I am in complete agreement with your quotes. I made a shirt of Jackie's line in the play -- my mom and I love that part .. I drew a peg-leg .. just like she was wearing .. memories.

I remember the "bitch bitch bitch..." quote that Ashley is talking about - Roseanne says that line to Leon but I cant recall the episode at the moment.

Roseanne Well it was nice talking to you becky, but i have to slam the phone down now.

when Roseanne is talking to Becky on the phone after she eloped.

Roseanne : (on having their power turned off) "It was between water and electricity and you can only live two days without water."
Dan: "Sure I can take a bath but I can't throw the toaster in!"

Roseanne: When I'm in a bad mood, I like to spread it around.

from "the dark ages"


Roseanne: "well, middle class was fun."

Dan and Darlene watching the Price is Right (or something like that):
Dan (yelling at contestant on TV): "Lower! Lower! Hundreds of dollars lower!"
Darlene: "Yeah, where does she buy her jukeboxes?!

Nancy in Vegas: "We just turned our craps winnings into actual crap."

Jackie overheard on the baby monitor after she doesn't trust Fred with the baby: "It's ok, baby. There, there. Someday your real daddy will come home from the sea."

Roseanne : (on having their power turned off) "It was between water and electricity and you can only live two days without water."
Dan: "Sure I can take a bath but I can't throw the toaster in!"

Hehe thats a good one!!:lol:

Darlene-You guys dont think we get your corny little sex jokes.
Roseanne-You are our corny little sex jokes!!

Dan-What happened to jimmy? i liked jimmy
Darlene-So did becky untill he dumped her
Becky-He didnt dump me!
Darlene-Get real you hit the ground like a safe!!

:lol: :lol: :happyface

This one is on right now. I don't remember the exact words but it was something like this.

Fred: What are you ready for?

Jackie: Well I was ready for sex and now I'm not.

Dan: (shopping at Morrie's Big 'N Tall) I'm not here 'cause I'm big, I'm here 'cause I'm tall.

Leon: I sware Roseanne, cleaning out this grease trap is like cleaning out one of your arteries.
Roseanne: (To Leon) B*tch! B*tch! B*tch! That's all you ever are.


Roseanne: Well Dan we have two, count em' two daughters in college.
Dan: Boy, are we gonna have some explaining to do at the next white trash meeting.

David: Molly makes me feel like...you know, a man.
Darlene: (seductivley grabbing David.) I can make you feel like a man, David...take out the trash!

Becky #2: (To Darlene) B*tch!
Darlene: Skag!
Becky#2: (sarcasitcally) Nice hair!
Darlene: (sarcastically) Nice life!
Becky #2: Go to hell!
Darlene: Go to the mall!

Mark: Becky can handle herself...so why don't you just leave us alone.
Roseanne: (smirks) Foolish boy. Do you not know my powers? I'm no longer your girlfriend's mother. I'm your mother n law!

Arnie: So, what's new?
Roseanne: (sarcastically) Well, Nancy's a lesbian and we've a new lens crafters!

Bev: I won't come by. I won't visit. I will stay competely out of your lives!
Roseanne and Jackie: YEAAAAAH!

Roseanne: (Mark is reading at the table) Let me save you the trouble, Mark. He eats the Green Eggs and Ham.

Jimmy, Darlene's boyfriend: (to Roseanne) I think that you should leave.
Roseanne, Jackie and Darlene: (pause and then look at each other) Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Darlene: I've been making jokes about this family since I could talk....before that I would just point and laugh.

Roseanne: I know the gay ettiquite. Knives on the left, vibrators on the right.

Becky: What's wrong with you?
Darlene: Now the little pervert is peeping at me.(D.J.)
Becky #1: (staring at Darlene) Why?

Roseanne: "Wake up, Jackie, even I'm getting a woody."

I may not have the lines verbatim. Here are a couple of my favs. It's so hard to pick, like trying to pick your favorite song of all time. lol

Darlene at Jackie's house, Jackie's drunk after arguing with Roseanne over being a cop. Jackie falls off of chair and Darlene helps pick her up. Jackie says, "There's all kinds of gravity in here."

Darlene telling her mom and dad about Becky's 'little accident' in front of the whole student council. She says, "The first woman to break the sound barrier."

I don't know that these would be quotes, but a couple of signs have been good. The one in the Lunchbox that says, "The rooster may crow, but the hen delivers the goods" and the sign in the diner was swithced around on one episode to say "We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone' instead of "We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone".

"Oh, excuse me, that was my fault. . . . you see, I expressed an interest in your life!"

"I had to! The hooker made him nervous!"

"Every time two lesbians kiss, an angel gets it wings!"

"Dan, we are so beyond Screwed that it will take billions of years for the light from Screwed to reach Planet Earth!"

Roseanne and Jackie are at the Lobo. Roseanne is dressed as a man, and decides to wander over to the pool table. One guy is bragging about his latest love conquest, and Roseanne as (Bob) pipes up and says, "Badda Bing, Badda Boom"

Gawwd she's a hoot!

It's not my favorite, but I thought it was a really funny line:

Roseanne: "Marriage stinks...With a capital SUCK!" :lol:

:lol: Haha, Roseanne has some classic quotes!!

When Darlene went to a concert with Molly and she got home and they asked her why didn't you call and she said.

"I got tired of waiting for the guy to finish peeing" or something like that.


:lol:

When Darlene went to a concert with Molly and she got home and they asked her why didn't you call and she said.

"I got tired of waiting for the guy to finish peeing" or something like that.


:lol:


I loved it when Darlene asked, "Why do I feel like I'm in a really bad After School Special?"

When Darlene was helping DJ make a sundial or something for school, they used a pizza and Darlene said something like...

"Go set it in the front lawn and when it starts to stink, it's tomorrow."

[Darlene is on the phone]
Roseanne: Get off, now.
Darlene: Why are you picking on me for?
Roseanne: 'Cause I can't find Becky.


Roseanne: That is not funny! You're grounded until menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!


D.J.: Was I an accident?

Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.

D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.

D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?

Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.”


D.J.--Moom, Darlene called me a prevert.
Roseanne--You're not a prevert honey, you're a pervert.

DJ: "You're only moving to Chicago because your mom has to have an operation"
Todd: "No she doesn't"
DJ: "She does too, my mom says shes having a big stick taken out of her butt"


[All of the kids have left for school]
Roseanne: Quick, they're gone. Change the locks.

Becky - Why don't you just kiss my butt?
Darlene - Well haul it on over here jumbo!

Roseanne: That is not funny! You're grounded until menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!
:lol:

Dan: [D.J. is screaming and running up the stairs] Whoa, whoa, settle down!
D.J.: Mom was just telling me a story I don't want to hear anymore!
Dan: Well that's no reason for you to go running out of the room screaming like a maniac!
D.J.: It was about her having her period!
Dan: As you were.
:lol:

Roseanne -" You know i consider myself a good judge of people and thats why i don't like none of em"


Roseanne (when she thought she might be pregnant) "Well ths isn't going to happen again cause i'm just gonna go get myself fixed"
Dan" You mean get your tubes tied?"
Roseanne " Ah no i mean get my knees sewn together"
LOL:lol: :lol:

I love Roseanne. I like the one where Arnie borrows like $1500 and gets Nancy a boob job... Roseanne sees the pic of her boobs and says "which one is ours?" :lol:

LOL i forgot about that one.

Roseanne to Arnie " You got her a boob job!!"

Arnie "Yeah two of them"

LOL

During the tornado episode
Roseanne: What's the worst that can happen? So the tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

Upon Busting Up A Bachelor Party, Roseanne Looks Disgustingly at the Stripper who was in the midst of taking off all her clothes. With A Sneer She says "...And Its because Of Women Like YOU That They'll Never Be A Lady President!"

I know I'm not going to have this word for word....

Roseanne - I can't believe I've been mad at you all these years for something as stupid as a wedding when there's a better reason to be mad at you....you're a bitch!!

Cousin Ronnie - I'm a bitch?!! Woo, I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you know why you weren't in my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in all the state of Illinois to make your dress!

Roseanne pauses and looks at Ronnie - Good one!!

Roseanne -" You know i consider myself a good judge of people and thats why i don't like none of em"


Roseanne (when she thought she might be pregnant) "Well ths isn't going to happen again cause i'm just gonna go get myself fixed"
Dan" You mean get your tubes tied?"
Roseanne " Ah no i mean get my knees sewn together"
LOL:lol: :lol:

That is one of my favorite Roseanne quotes.

"This is why some animals eat their young." :lol:

:lol:


Dan: [D.J. is screaming and running up the stairs] Whoa, whoa, settle down!
D.J.: Mom was just telling me a story I don't want to hear anymore!
Dan: Well that's no reason for you to go running out of the room screaming like a maniac!
D.J.: It was about her having her period!
Dan: As you were.

Roseanne in the episode where she hurts her back.

"Iv'e fallen, and I don't have one of those things. I shouldn't have laughed at that old lady on tv!" :lol:

Roseanne in the episode where she hurts her back.

"Iv'e fallen, and I don't have one of those things. I shouldn't have laughed at that old lady on tv!" :lol:

I remember seeing that episode when I was little and I used to laugh at those commercials. My sister and I used to watch Roseanne and when Roseanne said that my sister told me that would happen to me someday.

when roseanne is working for "the little maggot" in a fast food restaurant. A Customer is taking forever to order, then he says right i know i'll have the number 4 "you only live once right?" Roseanne's line is "Yeah, why drag it out"

"So that's what happened to the guy from CHiPS! Hey, he's way better in this!" - Roseanne watching TV with Mark's friend Roy. (They were watching the telenova Dos mujeres, un camino, which starred Erik Estrada aka Ponch on CHiPS). :lol:

:lol:

DARLENE: WOW! Nancy's a lesbian? Did she tell you?
ROSEANNE: No! we the read the I'm big a dyke bumper sticker on her car

Roseanne: Oh my god, its decaf. Who let that in the house? :lol:

:lol: :lol: They had some fantastic one liners!!! :)

During the tornado episode
Crystal:It's like the end of the world out there.
Roseane: Great no more Geraldo.

:lol: :lol:

The episode where Jackie and Roseanne are at the Golden Chambers Health Spa:

Roseanne gets POed by the hike leader.
Roseanne: "Well I'll snap you spine like a potato chip ya b*tch!"

Kathy: I'm in hell.
Roseanne: Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code though.

From the episode where they go to disney world. The quotes probably aren't exact.

Announcer: Lady's and Gentlemen, the role of Becky, which was at first played by Lecy Gorenson then by Sara Chalk and then by Lecy Gorenson, will tonight be played by Sara Chalke.

Becky: Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!
Roseanne: Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?

DJ: I mean i have a big project due next week and I don't think my teacher will let me just blow it off!
Roseanne: I am shocked! You are a Connor and you are blowing off that project and going on vacation with your family.

Good Girls Bad Girls episode

Molly: "So cute! Which one do you want?"
Darlene: "The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk."


Guy: "Yeah Darlene, you look like a real partier"
Darlene: "Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back"

Guy: "So Darlene, do you.. <Darlene cuts him off>
Darlene: "Stop right there Pony Boy. You and the rest of your outsiders can go rumble someplace else"
Guy: "Look, I apoligize for my friend, I mean, he's a real jerk. I mean it's obviously a bad idea to go into somebody's van you hardly even know. So it's lucky for you I happen to
have a couple of joints right here."
Darlene: "Oh man, I feel like I'm in the middle of a really bad after school special"

Roseanne -" You know i consider myself a good judge of people and thats why i don't like none of em"

I love that line, most especially because it reminds me of me!!

From that same episode -

"If you ever come near my sister again, you'll have to deal with me, and I am way worse than Dan. I have a loose meat restaurant, I know what to do with the body"!!

I love that line, most especially because it reminds me of me!!

From that same episode -

"If you ever come near my sister again, you'll have to deal with me, and I am way worse than Dan. I have a loose meat restaurant, I know what to do with the body"!!

:lol: Love it!

My favorite quote, by far, has to be thus -

"You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take *one shot*. Now *that* is love." - Darlene

Other favorites that come to my head -

"Oh, let's sell the villa in France, Dan, we hardly ever use it." - Roseanne

"Gross?! You're disgusting ... and I'm proud to be your mama!" - Roseanne

"I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!" - Roseanne

"It's beginning to look a lot like crap!" Roseanne

"No, Darlene was a disaster." Dan

"You have such a big mouth." Becky to Darlene
"You have such a small chest." Darlene to Becky
"At least I have a chest." Becky to Darlene
"At least I'm not a boy crazy, oversexed nymphomaniac." Darlene to Becky

"Becky, Zippy's on the phone!" Darlene to Becky on the phone with Mark

"I had to stay here and watch DJ while Becky went out with Mark, the cold sore king." Darlene

Becky comes downstairs dressed provocatively.
"Wow is that Becky?" Dan
"Some of her, I would check upstairs for some missing Kleenex." Darlene

"Drop dead!" Becky to Darlene
Darlene falls to the floor.

"Chip works at the bowling alley, we will be at the bowling alley. We are bound to run into one another." Roseanne and Dan make disgusting faces.
"If you guys love me you will pretend you are not my parents." Becky
"Okay, get out of our house, little girl." Roseanne
"Thank you." Becky

"Here's one with a big bow on the back, that should cover the continental divide." Darlene

"Mom, Darlene called me a prevert." DJ
"No, you're a pervert." Roseanne

"I can't work this damn thing!" DJ
"Where did you learn that language? It's not a thing, it's a VCR." Roseanne

"Dad, when's Darlene gonna die?" DJ

I will post more later.

Roseanne: "I'd snap your spine like a potato chip bitch" :lol:

Roseanne (On phone at Diner): Oh and by the way I know you and David got back together.

Darlene: How'd you find out?

Roseanne: You just told me!


LOL :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dan (to Roseanne): "Aww man we're screwed." Roseanne: "No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the Earth."

The Christmas ep when Becky gets a job at Bunz restaurant
Becky: ...with tips I'd be making 14 dollars an hour.
Roseanne: 14 dollars! Well maybe I ought to sashay on down there and throw one of those dresses up OVER MY FAT A**!

Darlene to D.J.: "You're about to become a strange smell in the attic."

Darlene to her parents..... (she is talking about D.J.) - "Hire a hearse, pick out a plot..."

Becky (hungover): "Who was the bartender?"
Darlene: "Wasn't it the girl who was over here yesterday?"

From It's a Boy


Roseanne: Jackie!
Jackie: What?
Roseanne: You told Dan my day again! One good thing happens, and you tell before I can.
Jackie: It's my day, too, you know!
Roseanne: That doesn't matter. he's my husband! I've been married to him for 19 years! It's hard enough to think of something to say to him!

A Roseanne to Dan quote:

A Roseanne quote:

Dan: "Stupid system, run by stupid people, thought up by stupid people, hired by stupid people."
Roseanne: "Who are elected by even stupider people."

Roseanne to Molly Tilden : "You gotta extra careful when you're with a Conner kid…Darlene's one of the few thing we own outright!"

I'm not sure if that's the exact wording but it gave me a chuckle at the time.

Roseanne: "I'm gettin' my tubes tied."

Roseanne: "I'm gettin' my tubes tied."

"No, I mean get my knees sewn together." :lol:

From "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas Anymore:"

During tornado, after lights have gone out:

Roseanne: Oh, who'd I just step on?
DJ: Me!
Roseanne: That's one.
Dan: Darlene?
Crystal: OMG, where is she?
Darlene: *screams with a flashlight in her face*
Roseanne: That is not funny, you're grounded 'til menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!

:rofl:

Best scene of season 1 for sure.

Terms of Enstranglment part 2

Mark : All right, I knew this was coming, We're too young, I'm not good enough for her, and I got no future.

Roseanne : Eyes on your own paper.

Mark : Look, you're just ticked off at me because you think I made Becky marry me. Well, let me tell you something- - Becky doesn't do a damm thing she doesn't want to.

Becky: "When you first met Dad, did you want to kiss him all the time?"

Roseanne: "Well, somebody had to do it. And you know me, work! work! work.!"

D.J.: Was I an accident?

Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.

D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?

Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you wouldn't do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.

D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?

Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster

Darlene: [to Roseanne] You have a big mouth.
Roseanne: No I don't.
[shouts from up the stairs]
Roseanne: Becky!

Dan Conner: I put it away twenty years ago when we quit.
Roseanne Conner: We quit? I just thought we were out.

Dan Conner: [to Darlene] Morning. Where is everybody?
Darlene Conner: Mom went to the supermarket and Jackie's still sleeping. The doctor gave her something to knock her out.
Dan Conner: What about D.J.?
Darlene Conner: I tried, but he wouldn't swallow the pill.

Dan: (About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.
Roseanne: You're not gonna get it.
Dan: There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
Roseanne: And they're all better than you, I bet.
Dan: Hey, I'm pretty good.
Roseanne: You're not either.
Dan: I'm the best!
Roseanne: You're the worst!
Dan: I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Roseanne: (to Barbara Healy)"It's people like you that give white trash a bad name."

Dan: (About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.
Roseanne: You're not gonna get it.
Dan: There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
Roseanne: And they're all better than you, I bet.
Dan: Hey, I'm pretty good.
Roseanne: You're not either.
Dan: I'm the best!
Roseanne: You're the worst!
Dan: I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Roseanne: "Wellll, middle class was fun."

Roseanne: "There's nothin' like a hardship song to set my toes to tappin'."

Becky: You did forget, I can't believe it!
Dan: [to Darlene] A little help. [Darlene imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring] Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

D.J. Conner:
[Darlene catches D.J. peeking at her] She called me a prevert.

Roseanne Conner:
No honey, you're not a prevert, you're a pervert.

Louise Jefferson: "We moved on up to get away from people like you."

Ally Mills: "You mean you're the boss in your own family?"
Roseanne: "Yep, and I get alll the good jokes too. Pretty sweet, ain't it?"
June Lockhart: "In my show, the dog got all the good lines... I just translated. And then they shot me off into outer space, and I had that annoying Dr. Smith and that damn robot."

Barbara Billingsley: "Reefer?"
Roseanne: "Ask Eddie Haskell."

D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days and nobody's cared.
Roseanne: That's impossible.
D.J.: Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!

Roseanne: "Oh and by the way I know you and David got back together"

Darlene: "How did you find out?" :eek:

Roseanne: "You just told me" :lol:

Doris: "Bread is never a bother, dear."

Roseanne: "God, they've got rules for just about everything!"

Grandmama: "Take the damn sandwich!"

Doris: "We don't start wars, we just profit from them."
Grandmama: "Oh, we start some."

Roseanne: "Doris Wentworth, I'm going to tutor you in the fine art of female anger."

Chip: "She's got you there, Mumsy."

Jackie: "Trust her, Doris, she's very good at this."

Roseanne: "Women who yell don't need pills! Men invented pills to shut women up!"

Jackie: "I believe our work here is done."

Nurse Stella: "You'd better check! yo' self before you wreck! yo' self."

Chip: "Conners are a hoot."

Jackie: He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.
Roseanne: Well, so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!
Jackie: Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but you won't seem to go away!

Darlene: "I'm sure God is thrilled by that comparison."

Darlene: "Why don't you just zap it in a microwave?"
D.J.: "Tried that; blew up."

David: "What are you doin'?"
Darlene: "Bringin' a bee back to life."
David: "Okay."

Roseanne: (to Darlene)"You live for weird."

Dan: Are you ever sorry we got married?
Roseanne: Every second of my life.
Dan: Me, too.
Roseanne: You are, really?
Dan: [thinks] Nah.
Roseanne: OK, me neither, then.

Darlene: (to Roseanne) "...you didn't tell me I was gonna have to spend the afternoon baking with Drunken Heinze."

Dan: "A pony keg in two minutes?!?... Gimme a break, Roseanne, we ain't in high school no more."

Fred: "Man. She is an ugly sober."

Roseanne: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but at least they're not part of my sex life..."

Dan: "Now that's football."

Roseanne: "This is why some animals eat their young."

D.J.: "What's a virgin?"
Darlene: "You in forty years."

Roseanne: I heard you laid down the law.
Becky: Who told you?
Roseanne: It was on the news. ... Darlene told me.

Darlene: "Well... I think Grandma just outed herself."

Bev: "I married the first man that came along."
Nana Mary: "You married the first ---- that came along."

Man in bar: (to Roseanne)"Was that supposed to be a joke?"
Roseanne: "Okay."

Darlene: Take it easy.
Becky: You too.
Darlene: I'll miss you.
Becky: Will you call?
Darlene: Promise. I love you, Becky.
Becky: I love you, Darlene.
Darlene: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Becky: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Roseanne: All right, knock it off.
Darlene: See you, bubble butt.
Becky: Later, Morticia.

Darlene: "You guys think we don't get your corny little sex jokes."
Roseanne: "Hey, you kids are our corny little sex jokes."

Roseanne: [entering the kitchen] Boy, it's just a beautiful morning today, it just makes me wanna SING!!!

Roseanne: "Welll, people have been sayin' it for years . But now, with Dan goin' to jail and everything, we are officially poor white trash."
(She and Dan do a hillbilly dance.)
Roseanne: ""Now all we need is some little half-wit, sittin' in the front yard eatin' dirt."
D.J.: (enters from outside)"Hiii."
Roseanne: "Shut up, Darlene."

Dan: "What is this, Mayberry?"

Crystal Anderson-Conner:
[about Crystal's baby] Well, why won't he sleep? I've tried everything, even the washing machine.

Darlene:
You put him in the *washing machine*?

Roseanne Conner:
The car has heated seats? Thank God, I thought I was going through the change.

David: (to Molly)"The Conners are a pretty cool family. I'm not one of them."

Roseanne: "I mean, poverty is good, but we've done that."

Roseanne: "So any more dreams we can crush for you, Darlene?"
Roseanne: "That'll just about do it."

Darlene: "Is she planning to throw me sort of white trash debutante ball?"

Mark Healy:
[ Dan is having a dream that Mark is inside the laundry basket and Dan's sitting on top of it] Come on Mr Connor let me out

Dan Connor:
[ mimicking] Come on Mr Conner let me out

Mark Healy:
I promise I won't see Becky again

Dan Connor:
I promise I won't see Becky again

Mark Healy:
There's no air in here

Dan Connor:
There's no air in here

Mark Healy:
I can't breathe

Dan Connor:
Good [he smiles]

Darlene: (to D.J.)"You're about to become a strange smell in the attic."
(He runs upstairs.)

Darlene: "What reeks?"
Roseanne: "Your future."
Darlene: "Yeah, that smells about right."

Darlene: "I kneww she stuffed."

Dan: "Fruity, yet bovine."

D.J.: "Mom says I get to name the restaurant."
Darlene: "Great. From the boy who named his goldfish 'Fluffy'."

Dan: "Hey, he couldn't do any worse. Go ahead, Deej. Give it a shot."
D.J.: "The Lunch Box."
(Silence as they think it over.)
Roseanne: "That's pretty good!"
Dan: "'Lunch Box' it is. Way to go, Deej."

Roseanne: "Tomorrow? I can't come up with the truth by tomorrow."

Roseanne: "We've got to get a better class of friends."

Ronnie:
Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.

Roseanne:
[pause] Good one.

Roseanne: "I was tougher than this in my wedding vows."

Darlene: "Yeah, D.J.'s finally got a friend who isn't imaginary."

Darlene: "Don't worry. How much damage can he do with one free hand?"

Roseanne: "It's more like a home project."

Darlene: "So how was your date?"
Becky: "Well, he's a great kisser. But it's not like you would know the difference."
Darlene: "Did you get felt up?"
Becky: "No!"
Darlene: "Huh! I did."

Darlene: "Make 'em beg, right?"
Becky: "Basically."

Darlene: "Great. Torture me, then kill me."

Ty Tilden:
Ah man... daughters. They oughta come with a handbook.

Dan:
Yeah, so you can smack 'em with it.

Dan: "Fruity, yet bovine."



When/what episode?

Dan Conner:
Do you regret marrying me?

Roseanne Conner:
Every second of my life.

When/what episode?

The fifth season's "Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places". October 1992. Dan said this after he ate a sample of Roseanne's loose meat sandwich.

The fifth season's "Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places". October 1992. Dan said this after he ate a sample of Roseanne's loose meat sandwich.

Thanks.

Roseanne:
Feel like a chili dog?

Jackie Harris:
Among other things. How bout you, Beck? You want a chili dog?

Becky:
No, I'm never eating again.

Roseanne:
Well you're still doing the dishes.

(In a department store.)
Salesman: "I see you decided on a king size."
Dan: "No. We'll take that one over there, the double."
Salesman: "And for the lady?"

Dan:
Well, you don't have to lie for me, I'm not afraid of my wife.

Fred:
Oh? Have you remarried?

Dan: "It's aliiive. It's aliiive!"
Roseanne: "And I'm married to it."

Darlene: (to Becky)"Where'd you get the hideous mask?"
Becky: "Drop dead."
(Darlene falls to floor.)

Darlene: "Oh, Becky won't be needing any makeup. She's already grotesque and hideous as it is."

Dan: "It's aliiive. It's aliiive!"
Roseanne: "And I'm married to it."

Darlene: (to Becky)"Where'd you get the hideous mask?"
Becky: "Drop dead."
(Darlene falls to floor.)

Darlene: "Oh, Becky won't be needing any makeup. She's already grotesque and hideous as it is."

Which episode?

Roseanne:
[sitting on her hospital bed] Dan, we've got a private room.

Dan:
Good deal!

Roseanne:
Want to fool around?

Dan:
[looking shocked] In the *hospital?*

Roseanne:
[while operating the bed controls, making it go up and down] Yea look it, the bed goes up and down, you wouldn't have to do nothing. [smiles flirtingly]

Roseanne: "Well, thanks for the dollar."

Dan: "That guy's with the Enquirer."
Roseanne: "Hey, I didn't know the legitimate press was gonna be here."

Roseanne: (to Dr. Bakshi)"...what's the deal with the untouchables?"
Dr. Bakshi: "In my country, we have a caste system. The untouchables are on the lowest rung. They are less than us, their lives are a drudgery, they get the most undesirable jobs."
Roseanne: "Oh. Yeah, we have that here. We just call them 'illegal aliens'."

Which episode?

"Boo!" Season 2, episode 7. It's the show's first Halloween episode.

Roseanne Conner:
The car has heated seats? Thank God, I thought I was going through the change.

Darlene: "He's got the door locked and it's, like, the third time today."

Mike Summers:
Hi, I'm Mike Summers, your state representative. How'ya doin'?

Roseanne:
Great.

Mike Summers:
Good, I'm going door-to-door, trying to get to know my constituents.

Roseanne:
Oh, door-to-door, huh. That takes a lot of time. Why don'tcha just go down to the unemployment office, and see everybody all at once.

Roseanne: "What are they exploring? Coming in out of the rain?"

Mark: "And you know he's 13 now, and sometimes things, you know,..."
Dan: "Ohh, you mean he's at that age where on a sunny day he can be layin' on his back and tell time without a watch?"
Mark: "... the kid's gettin' erections!"

Darlene: "What book? Horton Hears a Who?"

Jackie: "You think boys were havin' that problem when we were in school?"

Roseanne: (to Dan)"You are the mother of all fathers."

Dan: "Ohhh, no. Not the white dress story."

Beverly Harris:
I think my problem is I never found out what it is I like. Maybe it would help if you told me what you liked.

Roseanne Conner:
Uh... okay... I like it when Dan rubs my shoulders, just like you.

Dan: "I can't stop lookin'. It's like a train wreck."

Roseanne: "Oh, God. As if hockey wasn't an ugly enough sport."

Becky: "Face it, Darlene. You just can't get close to anybody."

Skip Corelli: "We're from Elgin."

Skip: "Noo, we like an open yard. It's more neighborly."

Roseanne: "God, are they nearsighted."

Skip: "You're compulsive, sick perverts."

Barbara Billingsley: "We're the sitcom moms welcome wagon."

Alley Mills: "Elizabeth Montgomery is shocked. And she's a witch."

Pat Crowley: "... we're about as mad as h-e-double hockeysticks. Excuse my French."

A.M.: (to Roseanne)"You're supposed to teach your children valuable lessons."

B.B.: "Could someone please get me a cold towel?"

B.B.: "That was just a rumor; Beaver's alive!"

B.B.: "Why, I'd make out with a chick for that kind of money."

If we are going to be successful in business we're gonna have to steal the idea from somebody

Roseanne:

Dan and Roseanne:

https://i.postimg.cc/pdnNgrWx/923643286-cd1092f54184a8427f5f68748ceb2da8.jpg

Roseanne: (narrating)"I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack."

(First line of the series.)
Becky: (on phone)"I'm serious. He'll still like you."

Roseanne: (to Dan)"Come on, get up. We gotta earn a living."

Roseanne: (to D.J.)"All right, Rembrandt, go wake up your sisters."

Roseanne: "You two are having sex"
Darlene: "We are? David, why didn't you tell me? I'd have put my book down"
Roseanne: "Well, I would expect to be lied to by you, young lady... But you! I never even saw it coming, with those puppy-dog eyes and that sad clown hair."
Darlene: "What, did D.J. tell you?"
Roseanne: "I don't plan to reveal my source, but suffice it to say, that your car was seen yesterday parked outside of the Green Lantern Motel."
Darlene: "It was not."
Roseanne: "Are you calling Jackie a liar?"
David: "I was at a movie yesterday afternoon."
Roseanne: "Don't even start with me David. We take you into this house and treat you
like one of our own kids, and then you turn around and treat us like you're one of our own kids!"
Darlene: "Mom, leave him alone. I was at the motel... but not with David..."

Randomly watched this clip of s07e02, and my God!
To think that the show was already past its prime and was in its waning phase, yet the whole scene is on a quality level that the actual Conners season could never even dream to achieve.
How the scene is set-up, how every character involved is perfectly encapsulated by a few line of dialogues, the way the actors deliver their lines and their perfect timing, the high quality comedy and its balance with drama.
Pure gold.

Jackie: "Well, look at you two. Straight (out of) the pages of G.Q. and Vogue."

Cop: "You do do not want to be wrong about death."

Jackie: "One pound of bak, two pounds of lava."

Darlene: "He died in our house?!"

Dan: "... I ain't touchin' that refrigerator 'til Willie Loman's out of here."

Dan: (to Roseanne)"I hate you and everything you stand for."

Becky: "A guy shouldn't have to live his whole life just to be buried as 'John Doe'."

Dan: "Hey! You drink the Big Gulp, you suffer the consequences."

Dan: "You don't eat the face. You mount it on the wall as a tribute."

D.J.: "Cool! I get to name the place."

Molly: "Darlene, what do you have against me?"
Darlene: "Nothing!"

Darlene: "You don't understand here, Molly. This is the most normal thing he's ever done."

Bev: (enters) "...her great-grandmother is here!"
Jackie: "Don't worry; she's been warned."

Roseanne: "Hey, hey, hey! One at a time! You people are scary enough individually."

Roseanne: "Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I found it's all around you."

Roseanne: "Oh, yeah. And she's nuts."

(Last lines of the series.)
Roseanne: "And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and or She is right inside you; underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I'll be a lot better now this book is done."

Miss Carter: (to Roseanne)"Your daughter barks."
Roseanne: "Our whole family barks."

Darlene: "I'm never shopping again on Christmas Eve."

Mary: "Have a freakin' white Christmas."

Roseanne: "You're not leavin' me alone with the Judds tonight, Jackie."

Dan: "Man I hate cookin'."

Darlene: (to David)"I basically chose you over death."

Bev: "...25 years of your husband's cheating tends to shake your faith."

Bev: "Everyone knows yo string lights from the top!"

Barbara Healy: "Dragging Conner trash over here, another slut just like her sister."

Dan: "That explains my windshield compass."

Roseanne: "See, Mom? I told you there's a God."

Roseanne Conner: [Mark's reading his homework] Oh, well, I hate to ruin the end of it for ya, Mark, but he *eats* the green eggs and ham.