Good evening ladies and germs, you're a wonderful audience.

Welcome to the Sitcoms Online Bad Jokefestapalooza!

Let's dust off those jokebooks and let the groaning begin...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field!

:lol:

Who's next?

;)

A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop...

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

Why was the Tomato blushing?


Because he saw the salad dressing. :rofl:

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" :rofl:

Wow, Blair Warner02's joke must've been a pain to type!!

I have a hard time remembering jokes but I do remember a silly holiday joke. Actually it's a riddle.

Why can't witches have babies?
Because their husbands have hollow weenies!

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts! :rofl:

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like dirt."

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground." :rofl:

Did you hear about the two pretzles who walked down the street? One was assaulted LOL

What did the frosted flake say to the mouth?

"leave me alone u cereal killer!'

i know...corny...

The average cannibal has a wife and ate children.

Get it? Ate children?

wuahahahahaha

Now that mozart is dead he decomposes. :rofl:

A grasshopper goes into a bar. The bartender says "Hey you know we have a drink named after you." The Grasshopper says "There's a drink called Steve?"

what do you call an amish man with his hand up a horses butt....a mechanic

These jokes are so bad that they make me think of Hee Haw.

Originally posted by AKA
These jokes are so bad that they make me think of Hee Haw.


:nod:

Two men walk into a bar. You think one of them would have ducked.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto

What do you call a cow that has had an abortion?
Decalfinated

Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder.

What's frightning and stuck on the end of your arm?
A terror wrist.

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartenter looks at him and says "Why the long face?"

When is the best time to visit the Dentist?

Tooth Hurty.

;)

Originally posted by Blair_Warner02


But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

I like that joke!

;)

If you go into the bathroom an American and come out an American, what are you while you are in the bathroom?



European:lol:

Originally posted by Penny Lane
If you into the bathroom an American and come out an American, what are you while you are in the bathroom?



European:lol:

I think we have our first semifinalist!!!

;)

Originally posted by Penny Lane
If you into the bathroom an American and come out an American, what are you while you are in the bathroom?



European:lol:

Ha. that reminds me..

On the way to the bathroom: Russian
In the bathroom: European
Leaving the bathroom: Finish!

After the Cannibal dumped his girlfriend, he wiped his a$$. :rofl:

Two vomits were walking down the street when one of them began to cry.

"What's wrong?" the other vomit asked.

"This is where I was brought up,"

:rofl:

The cannibal came home late for dinner, and his wife gave him a cold shoulder. :rofl:

Originally posted by I am Him
After the Cannibal dumped his girlfriend, he wiped his a$$. :rofl:

Oh my God, that is so wrong, but so funny! Hahaha!

Theres a man and his wife driving down the road in a pickup truck with a mule in the back.

After awhile the man looks back and sees the mule jump out of the truck. He stops, runs back, grabs the mule, tosses it back in the truck and says "Thats 1 mule."

A couple more minutes and he jumps out again. The man stops, gets out, grabs the mule, tosses him in the truck and says "Thats 2 mule."

About 30 minutes later the mule again jumps out. The man stops, grabs his shotgun and goes up to the mule and says "Thats three mule". boom shots him in the head

He gets back in the truck and his wife yells "whatd ya do that for"

he turns to his wife and says "Thats one woman."


its easier to tell that joke in person.

Originally posted by I am Him
After the Cannibal dumped his girlfriend, he wiped his a$$. :rofl:

Our first nomination for the "Best In Show" category.

;)

Q - Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have any children?

A - Because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.

This lady was at the supermarket, unloading her items from her cart to get checked out. One by one, she puts her stuff on the moving belt - a carton of eggs, a package of bacon, a loaf of bread, cheese, milk, and some butter.

Durring this, a drunk guy gets in line behind her. He then said,

"You must be single."

The lady was puzzled. She looked over her items, the eggs, bacon, bread, cheese, milk, and butter, to see if something might have given it away. Still puzzled, she turns to the man and asks,

"Well, yes I am single. But how did you know?"

The drunk man replied,

"Because you're ugly."

Originally posted by AKA
These jokes are so bad that they make me think of Hee Haw.

Yep! :p

:lol: :lol: :lol:
thx for the laughs guys. :D
TJL this thread was a great idea.:cool:

I borrowed this one from Hawkeye himself:

A guy owns a circus. One day, as he's checking things out in the big top, a skinny, weak little man enters.
"I want a job performing in your circus," he says.
"Okay pal, what's your act" the owner asks.

Without a word , the man climbs the center pole. he reaches the top, takes a deep breath and leaps off!

He starts flapping his arms and flying around the tent!

He circles the poles, does a few loops through the trapeze, all while flapping his arms like mad!
He soars majestically through the air, as the other circus people look on in amazement.

Then, from the very top of the tent, he does a screaming dive, landing right in front of the circus owner!

"Well," the man says nearly out of breath, "What do you think of that?"

The owner says "That's all you do? Bird imitations?"

;)

I just heard this the other day on the radio--

A lady whose house is on fire calls the fire department.

Lady-Come quick, come quick, my house is on fire!!

Fireman-OK, lady, now how do we get to your house?

Lady-Don't you still have that red truck?


Well, I thought it was funny. Almost sounds like a blonde joke(and before anybody takes offense, I, too, am blonde).

A bear and a bunny rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Excuse me, but do you have problems with sh** sticking to you fur?
The rabbit replies " Why no, I do not"
So the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass with him.

What did the Mexican fireman name his twin boys?

Hose A and Hose B.

HEHEHEHE OK U GUYZ I GOT 1:


WHAT WUD SARAH DO IF U GAVE HER MONEY?


GO TO THE MALL AND SDPEND IT AT HOT TOPIC :lol: :lol: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Ma, Pa, and Henry are all sitting at the table eating supper.

Pa- "Hey Ma, ya think maybe it's time we start maybe puttin' clothes on Henry."

Ma- "Well, why do ya say that, pa?"

Pa- "Did you just see what he drug through the mashed potatoes..."

Originally posted by videoguy
A bear and a bunny rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says "Excuse me, but do you have problems with sh** sticking to you fur?
The rabbit replies " Why no, I do not"
So the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass with him.

I love that joke!

:lol: :lol:

At a ventriloquist's show the ventriloquist was doing nothing but blonde jokes. After about 15 minutes a blonde woman had had enough.
Woman: "These jokes are insulting to women everywhere!"
Ventriloquist: "I'm sorry miss I'm not trying to upset anyone"
Woman: "No not you. I'm mad at the little guy next to you":lol:

A Dirty Joke:

A white horse is walking along a country road. He falls into a mud puddle.


Clean Joke: His owner finds him, brings him home and hoses him off.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They have a few beers and the giraffe drops dead. The bartender says to the man, "Are you just going to leave that lyin' there?" and the man says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Q: Why did the kid fall off his bike?
A: Because someone threw a fridge at him

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Want to ride a bike?

I heard this one on "Wings" the other night.

So a man keeps repeating to himself "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam...I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam...I"m a teepee, I'm a wigwam." He's decides to goes see a psychiatrist because it's driving him insane. The Psychiatrist talk to him and says "I think I know what your problem is...you're too tense."

Originally posted by Czas na Zywiec
I heard this one on "Wings" the other night.

So a man keeps repeating to himself "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam...I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam...I"m a teepee, I'm a wigwam." He's decides to goes see a psychiatrist because it's driving him insane. The Psychiatrist talk to him and says "I think I know what your problem is...you're too tense."

:faint:

Originally posted by Czas na Zywiec
I heard this one on "Wings" the other night.

So a man keeps repeating to himself "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam...I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam...I"m a teepee, I'm a wigwam." He's decides to goes see a psychiatrist because it's driving him insane. The Psychiatrist talk to him and says "I think I know what your problem is...you're too tense."

I apologize for correcting you but shouldn't the punchline read "You're two 'tents'"?

Originally posted by phoebe7165
I apologize for correcting you but shouldn't the punchline read "You're two 'tents'"?

I guess it could be either tense or tents.....but that's the point. When saying it, you can only say it one way so...I don't know. The english language confuses me.

This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge and pulls him over.

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy says, "I'm late for work."

"What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot a**hole?"

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....."

Originally posted by Katie
A Dirty Joke:

A white horse is walking along a country road. He falls into a mud puddle.


Clean Joke: His owner finds him, brings him home and hoses him off.

:lol:

Q. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

A. For Drizzle!

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers???

Well-hung.



Don't get pissed. It's just a joke.

A father and son are walking around the park when the son see 2 dogs humping each other. The boy asks his dad what the dogs are doing. The father replies "Well son they're trying to make puppies." The son likes the answer and they move on with their walk. Later that night around 1:00am the boy hears some noises coming out of his parents bedroom. He opens up the door and see his mom and dad doin' the deed!! He asks his dad "What are you and mommy doing??" Dad says "Well son, we're trying to make you a baby brother or a baby sister." The boy stands there looking at them and say "Well flip her over. I want puppies!!"

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT? What was that?" So she
says the words that every husband On the planet dreads to hear..."You're
just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to
satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that
night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of
work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went
shopping at Neiman Marcus. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how
to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's
fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain
myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face
just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I
then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile...You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when
she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you
just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently
I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen
hell while monkeys fly out of her butt.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.
The
doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in
the eye
and says,
"I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured.
I'd
give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character
managed
to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the
waiting
room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said,
"Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when
things
don't go so well. In this case, things aren't too well. I have
cancer,
and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub
and
have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less
somber.
There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually
approached
by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were
celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He
went
on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He
told
his friends,
"I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple
more
beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and
whispered
his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you're dying from cancer? You just
told
your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of
them
bastards sleeping with your mother after I'm gone".

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the
boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her
son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than
his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother,
"Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer
he talks, the dumber he gets."

Nice ones OU812.

;)

The elephant was playing poker with the leopard and said "I thought you were a cheetah"

Get it? Cheetah, cheeter... haha, took that one from Bob Dylan.

My friend broke his toe the other day, he's still waiting for the TOE-truck.

Your momma so fat, last time she saw 90210 was when she was on the scale.

haha.

Funny jokes everyone. Please remember to keep them PG-13 though. :)

Not much of a joke, but I think you guys will like it anyway.

I got this from another board:

Ronald Reagan arrived at the Pearly Gates last week, and was met by St. Peter. Reagan was stunned for a moment.

"You mean, I---I'm in?" he asked.

"That's right" said St. Peter. "You did great down there. Now come on, man. I'll show you around." He tossed the keys to a brand new Lincoln Town Car at Reagan, and said, "You drive. This is your car, for the rest of eternity."

Reagan was buoyant as they drove along the streets of Heaven, through sunny neighbourhoods. Finally they came to a fancy part of town, with big lawns and swimming pools. St. Peter told Reagan that this is where he would be living.

"That's Franklin Roosevelt's house over there," St. Peter pointed out as they drove, "And that's where Albert Einstein lives, next to Madame Curie. Pope John XXIII lives here....and here's your house." They pulled into the driveway, and got out.

As Reagan was looking around, he noticed up in the hills a palace made of shimmering, white granite. He could see it was enormous, with room after room, and terraces with dozens of gold fountains.

"That must be where the Lord lives," said Reagan. St. Peter shook his head."No, that's Ray Charles' place," he said. Reagan's smile faltered for a moment.

"Ray Charles lives there? How come all the presidents, scientists and popes live here, and Ray Charles lives up in that palace? I don't get it."

St. Peter chuckled. "Ronnie," he said, "Presidents and Popes are a dime a dozen. But baby, there's only one Ray Charles.

Ok, I got this one today off of my popsicle stick..................:D

What did Mr& Mrs. Snowman hang over their baby's crib?



A snowmobile!:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :rolleyes:

Originally posted by AKA
Not much of a joke, but I think you guys will like it anyway.

I got this from another board:

Ronald Reagan arrived at the Pearly Gates last week, and was met by St. Peter. Reagan was stunned for a moment.

"You mean, I---I'm in?" he asked.

"That's right" said St. Peter. "You did great down there. Now come on, man. I'll show you around." He tossed the keys to a brand new Lincoln Town Car at Reagan, and said, "You drive. This is your car, for the rest of eternity."

Reagan was buoyant as they drove along the streets of Heaven, through sunny neighbourhoods. Finally they came to a fancy part of town, with big lawns and swimming pools. St. Peter told Reagan that this is where he would be living.

"That's Franklin Roosevelt's house over there," St. Peter pointed out as they drove, "And that's where Albert Einstein lives, next to Madame Curie. Pope John XXIII lives here....and here's your house." They pulled into the driveway, and got out.

As Reagan was looking around, he noticed up in the hills a palace made of shimmering, white granite. He could see it was enormous, with room after room, and terraces with dozens of gold fountains.

"That must be where the Lord lives," said Reagan. St. Peter shook his head."No, that's Ray Charles' place," he said. Reagan's smile faltered for a moment.

"Ray Charles lives there? How come all the presidents, scientists and popes live here, and Ray Charles lives up in that palace? I don't get it."

St. Peter chuckled. "Ronnie," he said, "Presidents and Popes are a dime a dozen. But baby, there's only one Ray Charles.

Good one! So true! :nod:

RIP Ray and Mr Reagan:(

:grr:?







:grr:!