The Masked Bagger (issues 1-10)

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #7. Unrequited Love… Requited

Originally Released on November 5th, 2013

And Now, Our Story…

Masked Bagger is standing in the back hallway, cautiously looking around.

Masked Bagger: Where are you Cutter? Show yourself!

Suddenly, Cutter Magee races into sight, riding a hand-jack. He slams into Masked Bagger, causing him to fly in the air and land on the concrete floor.

Cutter Magee: Here I am! As you requested!

Masked Bagger: Thanks. Now where is she?

Cutter Magee: Who would that be?

Masked Bagger: Don’t play games, Magee! Your hostage. Where are you keeping her?

Cutter Magee: I don’t want to tell you yet. You and I are having some fun! Now, on guard!

Cutter Magee steps off the jack, and takes out his box cutter (which he is named after). He holds it out like a sword and wants to duel Masked Bagger. The 717 Guardian takes out a box cutter of his own.

Masked Bagger: Let’s do this!

Cling! Clang! Both men duel with their box cutters. Masked Bagger doesn’t really know how to - but he’s been getting lucky so far. Cling! Cling! Clang! Cutter Magee swipes his weapon, and cuts Masked Bagger’s arm.

Cutter Magee: Ha-ha!

Masked Bagger: Just a jacket wound. I’m unharmed.

They both look at the bagger’s arm, and suddenly it starts to bleed.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I spoke too soon. Never mind me. Where’s the girl?

Cutter Magee: Look up.

The 717 Guardian looks up and sees the kidnapped girl strapped to the ceiling. She’s filled with fear. Cutter Magee gets back on the hand-jack.

Cutter Magee: She’s set to be released from the ceiling any moment now. I doubt she’d survive the fall, so save the girl, or chase after me. Which do you choose?

Cutter speeds off on his hand-jack. Masked Bagger looks up at the girl. He chooses to save her. The girl is in her mid-twenties, and is beautiful. This is, after all, a superhero story.

Masked Bagger: Hang tight. I’m coming to get you.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting alone in the break room. He is terribly depressed. Debbie Garfield, the floral head, enters the room.

Debbie Garfield: Oh, sweetie, you look miserable!

Adam Hauck: I am.

Debbie Garfield: Care to talk about it?

Adam Hauck: It’s my, uh, love life… or lack thereof.

Debbie Garfield: Oh, honey pie, my love life is lacking these days, too.

Adam Hauck: Uh-huh, well I’ve never had a love life, and the girl I’m currently in love with doesn’t seem to want me.

Debbie Garfield: That’s a shame. You’re a good looking young man. I can’t imagine you having much trouble getting a girl.

Adam Hauck: Girls just aren’t attracted to me.

Debbie Garfield: I’m sure that isn’t true. If I was younger, I would be all over you. You wouldn’t be able to escape my slobbery kisses.

Adam Hauck: Well thank you for that disturbing image, but I’m afraid a girl loving me back just isn’t in the cards for me. It’s okay. I’m getting used to the loneliness.

Adam gets up and walks out of the break room. Debbie looks sad as he walks off. She then starts to talk to herself.

Debbie Garfield: Yep, sure is a shame. I think something needs to be done about this.

Bernie Boswell enters, holding a magazine about guns, and his face lights up as he sees his crush, Debbie, sitting there.

Bernie Boswell: Debbie, hi.

Debbie Garfield: Hello, sugar.

Bernie Boswell: I’m not gonna lie to you. My body aches with desire just thinking about you. I suspect you ache as well. We could cut the sexual tension in this room with a knife.

Cutter Magee appears.

Cutter Magee: How about a box cutter?

Bernie Boswell: No, it’s gotta be like a big knife.

Bernie suddenly realizes who he’s talking to, and gets nervous. He holds up the gun magazine as if it were a weapon.

Bernie Boswell: I’ve got this gun magazine, and I’m not afraid to use it… paper cut the hell outta you!

Cutter Magee: BOO!!

Bernie gives out a high pitched scream. Adam is already on his way to the front, but hears Bernie’s scream and runs back up, unnoticed by anyone in the room. He sees the villain and sneaks off to change identities. When Masked Bagger enters, he finds Bernie Boswell in just his underwear, about to pull them down.

Masked Bagger: WHAT in the world is going on here?

Bernie Boswell: I figured this box cutter villain would kill either or both of us, and I didn’t want to die without having done the deed with Debbie.

Masked Bagger: Cutter, why didn’t you stop it?

Cutter Magee: I was intrigued. I wanted to watch this.

Masked Bagger: And Debbie?

Debbie Garfield: Like I was telling Adam, my love life has been lacking these days.

Masked Bagger: (to himself) Why do I save these people?

Suddenly, Masked Bagger whips out his… bag-gun, and shoots Cutter Magee. He’s captured. The hero walks over to him, grabs the bagged foe, and heads for the basement. Bernie and Debbie look at each other.

Bernie Boswell: Should we?

Debbie Garfield: Now that our lives aren’t in danger, it just seems weird.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah. With all the crazy characters in this store, I’m sure our lives will be on the line again. We’ll have plenty of chances.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Adam is sitting there, wearing his Masked Bagger outfit, minus the mask. Professor Tincher enters from the jail area.

Professor Tincher: Well Cutter is incarcerated. Great job, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Thanks. I wish getting Katie to love me was as simple as capturing a villain.

Professor Tincher: Adam, you have to move on. You and Katie are not going to happen. There’s no chance in any Earth level for you two. There are so many other girls out there. Pick one you actually have a chance with. I’m gonna say it… lower your standards.

Adam Hauck: Okay for the record, I’m *not* a fan of brutal honesty.

Professor Tincher: That was my sugar-coated version, but seriously, you’ve been here for around nine months. She’s aware you like her, but doesn’t seem to return those feelings. I’m sorry. Move on.

Adam Hauck: I can’t. I love her so much.

CUT TO: Adam is bagging for a customer. Katie walks up to him.

Katie Collins: Adam, can we talk?

Adam Hauck: Yeah, of course. Let’s go to the bagger’s closet.

Adam stops bagging mid-order, and the two walk to the bagger’s closet. The customer looks mad, but they’re just going to have to get over it. They don’t know how much Adam loves Katie.

Katie Collins: Adam, I was thinking, and I want to be with you.

Adam Hauck: In what sense?

Katie Collins: In a romantic sense.

Adam Hauck: You wanna be my girlfriend!?!

Katie Collins: Yeah.

Adam Hauck: I don’t believe this! I want to be with you, too!

Katie Collins: (smiles) Yeah, I kinda knew that.

Adam Hauck: This is amazing!

Katie Collins: Sure is, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: And you called me Puddin’. I love it when you call me Puddin’. I’ve got to come up with a girlfriend name for you. How about Princess? You’re my Princess.

Katie Collins: I love it.

Adam Hauck: I love you.

They hug. Adam finally has Katie Collins as his girlfriend. All is right with the world.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is in front of the deli, battling some bird-men. However, he’s doing a lot more dodging and coming off like a coward. He’s playing it safe, and the fight, which would normally last a couple minutes, ends up taking twenty. Professor Tincher is watching on the monitors, and is upset by it.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters the basement lab. He removes his mask, and heads over to the Professor.

Professor Tincher: What was with THAT fight?

Adam Hauck: Now that I’m with Katie, I have a reason to live. I can’t risk my life anymore. I’m also thinking about telling her that I’m The Masked Bagger. I don’t want to keep any secrets from her.

Professor Tincher: You can’t tell her!

Adam Hauck: What’s the harm? I mean, I know what happened to you in the past was horrible, but this is different. We can’t build a life together if I keep my alter ego from her. Plus, she’d freak out if she didn’t know I’m The Masked Bagger, and then she has my baby and he’s born wearing a mask.

Professor Tincher: Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re playing dumb or actually being stupid. Obviously, your son won’t come into the world with a mask on his face. That’s ridiculous.

Adam Hauck: And so is not telling Katie the truth. I have to.

Professor Tincher: You’re making a mistake. I can’t stop you, but I can warn you.

Adam Hauck: Like you said, you can’t stop me. I just wonder how I should reveal it to her. Maybe dressed as The Masked Bagger, I walk up to her and give her a big passionate kiss. Then when it’s over, she’ll say something like “That was great. Best I ever had. But I’m in a relationship with Adam.” Then I would remove my mask, flash her my award winning smile, and say “Then it’s a good thing I *am* Adam.”

Tincher looks at Adam like he’s crazy.

Professor Tincher: Really, you’ve actually won an award for your smile?

Adam Hauck: Yes I did, and it didn’t feel good because it was from some classmates, and was actually for “Ugliest Smile,” but that still counts as “award winning.”

CUT TO: Adam opens the door to his home, and lets Katie walk in first. He follows behind her.

Adam Hauck: So this is it. This is where I live.

Katie Collins: It’s nice.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I like it. Of course I like it a lot better with you here. It’s like you belong here.

Katie Collins: I feel like I do.

Adam Hauck: Katie, I have something to tell you. Um, I was kind of planning a different way to do this, but I think I’ll just tell you.

Katie Collins: What?

Adam Hauck: Uh, well, I don’t want to keep any secrets from you, and I have to say it. I have a big one. A really big one.

Katie Collins: (smiles naughtily) You do?

Adam Hauck: Yes. I have a really big secret.

Katie Collins: Oh, the *secret* is big. I misunderstood you.

Adam Hauck: Okay, well, um, here goes. I don’t lead a normal life. I mean, they’ve made cartoons and movies about the kind of things I do on a daily basis. You see when I first came to store 717, it was to be more than just a guy who bags groceries and get carts.

Katie Collins: I don’t get it.

Adam Hauck: That’s because you interrupted me. I wasn’t done yet.

Katie Collins: Sorry, ha-ha.

Adam Hauck: You know what, I’ll tell you later. It can wait. No need to jump right into the secret. So what do you want to do? I have a bedroom over there with a big bed in it. Hint, hint.

Katie Collins: I’m gonna need you to dance with me. Then, we’ll see.

Adam Hauck: Oh, yeah. Sounds good.

Adam takes his remote control and turns the TV to the Oldies channel. The Association’s “Everything That Touches You” plays. Adam and Katie embrace each other and dance to the music. Although Adam is loving it, he isn’t as happy as he thought he’d be.

('Everything That Touches You' by The Association) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4I3p7aKzbc

CUT TO: Adam is in Professor Tincher’s office.

Adam Hauck: I haven’t told Katie yet. I’m waiting for the right time. I think she needs to know more about me before I reveal the big secret.

Professor Tincher: Well I’m glad you haven’t told her yet, but I must again advise you to not ever tell her.

Adam Hauck: There’s just one minor thing bugging me.

Professor Tincher: What’s that?

Adam Hauck: I finally have the woman of my dreams, so why am I not completely happy?

Professor Tincher: *She’s* the woman of your dreams?

Adam Hauck: What’s wrong with Katie?

Professor Tincher: Nothing. She’s a lovely woman. It’s just I don’t see you two together. I mean, for one, there’s an age difference.

Adam Hauck: Not a problem for us, so it shouldn’t be a problem for anyone else.

Professor Tincher: You know what? You’re right. As long as you two are in love, that’s all that matters. I guess I’m happy for you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Well thanks, Professor. So far you’re the only one accepting of our relationship. Why can’t they just be happy that after thirty-one lonely years, I finally got the girl?

Professor Tincher: Come on, Adam. You have to admit, it looks a little strange. I mean no one ever thought you two would get together. I don’t think anyone even entertained the possibility of it happening.

Mickey Tork walks in. He sees the two talking, and is curious.

Mickey Tork: So what are you guys talking about?

Adam Hauck: My girlfriend, and how no one is happy for me.

Mickey Tork: Look, no offense, but the two of you are considered a freak show. Again, no offense.

Adam Hauck: Why? I don’t get it. She’s sexy. I’m sexy. We’re the sexy couple of the store.

Mickey Tork: Doesn’t the age difference bother you?

Adam Hauck: No way! I’m in love… no wait. I can finally say *we’re* in love. The age thing doesn’t bother us. Nor should it bother anyone else.

Mickey Tork: But Adam, ewwe!

Adam Hauck: Listen, I appreciate the concern, but it’s not needed. The two of us are very happy together.

Professor Tincher: I thought you said you weren’t completely happy?

Adam Hauck: Well I’m taking it back. We are very happy. And you know what, Mickey, I think you’re just jealous that she’s with me, and not you.

Mickey Tork: Again Adam, ewwe!

CUT TO: Tincher’s office. Adam, Mickey, Bernie, and Hailie all walk in. Tincher is at his desk. He looks bothered.

Hailie Morgan: Yo, why you be calling us in here? I be needin’ to know why you done called us in here.

Professor Tincher: I’m afraid I have some unsettling news. Katie Collins…

Adam Hauck: Here we go.

Professor Tincher: …is in a coma.

Everybody is shocked, especially Adam.

Adam Hauck: What happened? How did this happen? I don’t get it!

Professor Tincher: On her vacation, she just fell ill. Doctors can’t explain it. They don’t know if she’s gonna… well, let’s just hope and pray for the best.

Adam Hauck: Vacation? When was she on vacation?

Hailie Morgan: Katie be on vacation all this week.

Adam Hauck: No. It can’t be.

Mickey Tork: No, really. She’s on vacation this week.

Adam rushes out of the office and walks the floors of Kroger, confused and scared out of his mind. He bumps into - of all people - Katie.

Katie Collins: There you are, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: Thank God! You’re alive! I was told you were in a coma. You’d better get in the office and tell Tincher and the others that it’s not true.

Katie Collins: I have a confession. I’m not Katie.

Adam Hauck: What do you mean you’re not Katie?!

Suddenly, Adam is able to see what everyone else has seen all along. It’s actually Debbie Garfield - not Katie.

Debbie Garfield: Not the official Katie, anyways. I can *be* Katie though, like I have been this past week.

Adam Hauck: Why?

Debbie Garfield: I could sense how much you love her, and that love is unrequited. Makes me so sad to see unrequited love. It’s my super power to morph into the girl and be there for the man.

Adam Hauck: Wait, I never told you I was in love with Katie.

Debbie Garfield: I could sense who it was, so I became her… for you.

Adam Hauck: But Katie was in a coma, and I wasn’t at the hospital with her, waiting for her to wake up. I thought she was here and in love with me.

Debbie Garfield: Don’t get mad, but I’m kind of responsible for her grave condition. When I morph into someone, it drains their energy.

Adam Hauck: What if we were together for a month?

Debbie Garfield: Oh she’d be dead by the end of this week. But think about what that puts on me, having to find new ways to keep you from discovering her death.

Adam Hauck: I don’t believe this! And not only me, but you’d have to keep her death from everyone else.

Debbie Garfield: Not really. They see me as me. They always have.

Adam thinks for a moment. He gets it.

Adam Hauck: So THAT’S why everyone has been acting the way they have. They think I fell in love with YOU! But wait, I’ve been saying Katie all along.

Debbie Garfield: Now *that* I had some control over. I made it so every time you said “Katie” they would hear “Debbie.”

Adam Hauck: What about Facebook? I updated my relationship status. Now there I listed Katie Collins.

Debbie Garfield: No, you didn’t, sweetie pie. It says you’re in a relationship with Debbie Garfield. On a subconscious level, you knew it was me you were dating. So when you went to post that, you automatically typed in my name.

Adam Hauck: So that’s why I wasn’t totally happy. Some part of my brain knew I wasn’t with the one I love, and that it was all a lie.

Debbie Garfield: Yeah. So now that you know the truth… are we breaking up?

Adam Hauck: UH, YEAH!

Bernie jumps in from out of nowhere.

Bernie Boswell: YES! This disaster of a relationship is over! Now I get to play the part of the rebound. Debbie, my room tonight. We will make magic together. Now, yes, I still live with my parents. I hope that’s not going to be a problem. If it is, I will ask them to put their hands over their ears, so they won’t hear all the noises coming out of my room.

Adam Hauck: Well that’s my cue to leave.

He does.

CUT TO: Adam and Tincher are in the basement.

Adam Hauck: I feel like a fool.

Professor Tincher: Don’t. Now that I know what was really going on, it’s kind of amusing. You and Debbie, that is.

Adam Hauck: (sarcastically) Yes, I can barely contain my laughter.

Professor Tincher: Adam, you have to bag Debbie Garfield.

Adam Hauck: You don’t know how close it came to that.

Professor Tincher: No, I mean she’s a super villain. You have to become The Masked Bagger, bag her, bring her down here, and I’ll incarcerate her.

Adam Hauck: But she’s Debbie Garfield. She’s not out to hurt anybody. She could sense I love Katie, and tried to help. True, it just made things worse, but her heart was in the right place.

Professor Tincher: Did you forget that Katie almost died because of her?

Adam Hauck: Yes I did. It’s bagging time! How do you like that as my catchphrase?

Professor Tincher: Kinda corny. Not a fan of it.

Adam Hauck: (angry) Well then YOU come up with a catchphrase. I can’t bag villains, date Katie impostors AND come up with a catchphrase!

Adam storms out.

CUT TO: The Masked Bagger walks over to floral, where Debbie Garfield is.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry, Debbie, but you’re coming with me.

Debbie Garfield: Why, may I ask?

Masked Bagger: You almost killed Katie Collins, and don’t seem to have any remorse about it.

Debbie Garfield: But I didn’t kill her. This is insane. Don’t I even get a trial. This is America!

Masked Bagger: No, this is Kroger.

Debbie Garfield: But I didn’t mean any harm. Yes, I was aware I was causing it, but that wasn’t my intention. I was just trying to make Adam happy.

Masked Bagger: By killing Katie?

Debbie Garfield: I have no control over what happens to people when I morph into them.

Masked Bagger: I tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna let you go. You will take an early retirement, and leave Kroger immediately. I never want to see you in here again. I will be monitoring you, and if you ever use your powers again, I will track you down, and incarcerate you in the Kroger basement prison. Is that understood?

Debbie Garfield: Yes, and might I say I love a man who tells me what to do. It’s what people refer to as a “turn on.”

Masked Bagger: Get outta Kroger, Debbie. Now!

Debbie grabs her purse, and walks out of floral, and then exits the main door to the building. Masked Bagger watches her leave and quietly says to himself…

Masked Bagger: And thanks for the dance.

He starts to hear Everything That Touches You in his head, remembering his dance with “Katie.”

CUT TO: A few days later. Katie walks into Kroger. Mickey, Tincher, Hailie and Bernie are all up front awaiting her arrival.

Professor Tincher: Welcome Back, Katie. How are you feeling?

Katie Collins: Better, obviously. Still a little weird, but I should be fine.

Professor Tincher: Don’t ever scare us like that again.

Mickey Tork: Glad you’re okay. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you bagging by my side, to help keep me sane at this job.

Katie Collins: I love you, Mick.

They both hug.

Hailie Morgan: Girl, you done scared us. I be like “Katie-Girl in a coma? No way!” You my sis. Don’t be getting into no comas again.

Katie Collins: I won’t, Hailie.

Bernie Boswell: Well it’s stupid of you to promise that you won’t get into a coma again. You never know what’ll happen. Things could be out of your control.

Katie Collins: Did you at least miss me while I was away?

Bernie Boswell: Of course. Give Bernie a hug.

Katie Collins: Is “no” an option?

Bernie Boswell: If you wanna be like every other girl, then sure.

Katie Collins: I wanna be like every other girl.

Adam walks up. Both Katie and he look at one another. The others decide to leave the two alone, so they walk away.

Adam Hauck: So, um, how was your vacation?

Katie Collins: I was in a coma.

Adam Hauck: So… restful?

Katie Collins: I’m done talking to you.

Adam Hauck: Listen, I had no idea what was going on. I thought you were here. I thought you… loved me.

Katie Collins: Me and you are friends. That’s all. I love my boyfriend.

Adam Hauck: You have a boyfriend?

Katie Collins: Yep. We’ve only been going out for a couple weeks, but we’ve known each other for a few months. He went with me on vacation, and we live together.

Adam Hauck: “Live together” as in the same house, or are you speaking of like you both live together in the same state?

Katie Collins: The same house. We share a bed.

Adam Hauck: Bunk beds by any chance? Like you’re on the top and he’s on the bottom?

Katie Collins: (jokingly) Oh I’m on top alright, but we’re not on bunk beds.

Adam quickly puts his fingers in his ears.

Adam Hauck: La la la la la… I can’t hear you… la la la!

He takes them out.

Katie Collins: Adam, you’re insane.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I get it. I’m insane sometimes… but then there are other times when I’m totally sane.

Katie Collins: Huh?

Adam Hauck: I don’t know. I thought it would sound meaningful or something, but it just sounded dumb.

Katie Collins: Are you glad I’m back?

Adam Hauck: Oh yes. I’m very glad you’re back. I’ll take the real Katie, who's cold to me, over a fake one who’s all over me, any day.

Katie Collins: That’s… kinda creepy.

Adam Hauck: I get that word a lot, but I mean well.

Katie Collins: I’m sure you do, Puddin’.

CUT TO: Adam goes out the front door. Standing out there are Professor Tincher, Mickey Tork and Bernie Boswell.

Mickey Tork: I’m sorry about Katie. Let’s drown your sorrows in some beer. We’ll have a guy’s night out or something.

Adam Hauck: Thanks, but I don’t drink. Plus I think I want to be alone.

Bernie Boswell: You have the rest of your life to be alone. Besides, this isn’t just for you. All of us are hurting right now. I just found out that Debbie has retired. I may never see her again.

Mickey Tork: Yeah, the girl I’ve been chasing for the past two weeks, told me she only likes fat guys. So I need to drink all the beer I can to gain weight.

Professor Tincher: Today would have been Bailey’s birthday. So I’m feeling kind of sad.

Adam Hauck: You know what? Okay. Why don’t we go bowling? Banta Bowling is having a dollar day special going on right now. Plus, the beer is free… to anyone with a 300 game.

Bernie Boswell: Oh yeah! In addition to that, the lady who runs the little restaurant is a hottie.

Professor Tincher: Wait, I know her. She’s got to be at least seventy-six years old.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah! Do I need to give the whole sexy fine wine metaphor again?

Mickey Tork: No. Never again, please.

The four Kroger men walk away, chatting and being witty.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #8. Carts Ahoy!

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Cartastrophe [pictured below]
Davy Tork [pictured below]
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton [pictured below]
Tony Walmer [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #8. Carts Ahoy!

Originally Released on November 21st, 2013

Here’s the Story…

Katie is outside on the lot, gathering carts. She spots a stranded cart, and touches the handle, when suddenly her hand becomes stuck to it. The handle spins around, and is strong enough that it lifts Katie’s body, and throws her inside. Once in the cart, her hand is unstuck. However, the cart takes off at a fast speed. Katie screams as she has no control over what’s happening. Masked Bagger races towards her, and takes out his cart strap, and hurls it at the speeding cart. It attaches itself to the back of the cart, and suddenly the 717 Guardian is in the air, holding onto the strap. He slowly climbs forward, and then hops in to be with Katie.

Masked Bagger: I just dropped in to see how you’re doing. Everything fine or you need some help?

Katie Collins: Duh! Help me!

Masked Bagger: On it.

The handsome masked hero takes out a remote control and pushes a couple of buttons. The cart continues to speed around the parking lot. Cars honk their horns as they are about to crash into it. The Bagger-Mobile drives up alongside them. Masked Bagger unhooks the cart strap from their uncontrollable ride, and instead hooks it to his own vehicle.

Masked Bagger: Okay, grab on to it.

Katie Collins: Are you hitting on me in the middle of a rescue? ‘cause I have a boyfriend, so I ain’t grabbing nothing of yours!

Masked Bagger: (frustrated) Grab the *cart strap*, and hold on tight. Don’t let go until you’re safely in the Bagger-Mobile.

Katie takes a hold of the cart strap. Masked Bagger then lifts her up, and she leaps into the vehicle. She sits, and it slows down as it drives her back to the sidewalk, thanks to Masked Bagger’s remote control skills. He then turns around to face his own problem. The cart is headed straight for a car, which is backing out of its spot, unaware of the situation. The 717 Guardian looks down, and notices a device hooked to the cart. Figuring it has something to do with a remote control of its own, Masked Bagger unhooks it. Sure enough, the cart slows down, but is still headed for the car. Our hero overcomes his fears of jumping out of a moving cart by jumping out of the moving cart. He then grabs the handle and stops it just before it would have hit the car. When it’s all over, Masked Bagger heads to the sidewalk, where Katie is.

Katie Collins: Thank you, Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: You’re welcome.

Katie Collins: I just have one question. How did you get here so fast? It seems like as soon as I was inside the cart, you jumped in to the rescue.

He can’t tell her the truth that as Adam, he was on a break outside, watching the sexy Katie getting carts.

Masked Bagger: I’m, uh, just good at my job. Always alert.

Katie smiles, and then walks inside.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher & Masked Bagger are in the basement lab.

Masked Bagger: Who’s behind this cart attack?

Professor Tincher: His name is Randy Blaine. He blends in with other carts because he *is* a cart himself now.

Masked Bagger: You know him?

Professor Tincher: Yes. He was a bagger. About a couple months before you came to the store, he was outside on carts, and the ground just opened up and he fell in. No one has seen him since. However, I went out for lunch today, and *it* rolled up to me. I got a good look at it. It clearly has the face of Randy. I don’t know what happened to him underground to turn him into a cart-boy, but that’s exactly what he is now. For some reason he’s using remote control carts to scare people.

Masked Bagger: What would he want with Katie, though?

Professor Tincher: Maybe it’s not personal. He just decided to attack the cart getter. Then again, it’s been almost a year since he vanished. Maybe he’s ready to come out and cause some chaos. You know, make his presence known.

Masked Bagger: Yeah, his presence is definitely known.

Professor Tincher: On the lighter side, in a couple days we’re having a Kids Day at the store, to make up for not doing anything for Trick or Treat this year.

Masked Bagger: Why are you telling me? I don’t have to do anything for it, do I?

Professor Tincher: You’re a local superhero. I want you to make an appearance for the kiddies.

Masked Bagger: Can’t you just make another clone of me to make these personal appearances?

Professor Tincher: Considering what happened the last time I made a clone of you, no. I won’t do it again. Now I can’t force you to do it, but I’m asking nicely. Please do it.

Masked Bagger: Ugh, fine.

CUT TO: Bernie Boswell is holding up a painting, and showing it to Katie, who’s doing a price check in produce.

Bernie Boswell: Katie, have you seen this painting yet?

Katie Collins: No. Did you paint that?

Bernie Boswell: No, of course not. My brother did. He even…

Just then, a gorgeous young woman, named Mindy (in her early thirties) walks up and hears the rest of what Bernie is saying.

Bernie Boswell: …won an award for this painting. I’m so proud.

Katie Collins: That’s nice. I’m trying to care, but I just don’t.

Bernie Boswell: Carry on with your price check.

She does. Mindy, however, walks over to Bernie.

Mindy Dalton: That painting is absolutely beautiful.

Bernie Boswell: Thank you.

Mindy Dalton: Do you think you could paint me?

Bernie Boswell: Well actually, I…

Mindy Dalton: It’ll be in the nude.

Bernie Boswell: YES! I would love to paint you in the nude.

Mindy Dalton: Great. We’ll get together in a couple days then. Saturday perhaps?

Bernie Boswell: Actually, I have to be here for a stupid “Kid’s Day” thing. You know what? Screw it. Art is more important. Uh, how much do I have to pay you?

Mindy Dalton: That’s ridiculous. I’ll be paying you, of course.

Bernie Boswell: Of course. It’s been a while since I’ve painted a nude. I kind of forgot about the monetary arrangements, ha-ha. So, um, I don’t suppose you have a grandma that might want to pose naked with you?

Mindy Dalton: Actually my grandma just died.

Bernie Boswell: Hmm, have they already buried her? If not, we could prop her up next to you. I’ll find a way to make it tasteful.

She looks freaked, as any normal person would. He realizes this.

Bernie Boswell: Kidding, of course. I make bad jokes but beautiful paintings. You know artists, we’re all a little kooky. See you on Saturday. Oh, and I’m sorry about your grandma.

CUT TO: A couple days later. The promo aisle is set up for kids, with an Oreo stacking table, a coloring contest table, and a couple other tables with kid related stuff. Some kids are in the aisle, having fun. Mickey Tork and his kid brother, 8-year-old Davy are walking in the parking lot to enter the store.

Mickey Tork: I can’t believe I’m actually coming here on my day off. The things I do for you, Davy.

Davy Tork: It’ll be fun.

As the Tork brothers enter the store, Cartastrophe watches and hatches a scheme in that demented cart-mind of his.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is in his office. Tony Walmer enters.

Tony Walmer: Mr. Tincher, hello. My name is Tony Walmer. I’m the head reporter for the Kroger Gazette.

Professor Tincher: Hello. Are you searching for a story at this store?

Tony Walmer: As a matter of fact, I am. This store is legendary for one reason and one reason only.

Professor Tincher: Our really terrific customer service?

Tony Walmer: No… The Masked Bagger. I want to know who he is, why he does what he does, and most importantly, WHO he is. Did I say that already? Well I’m putting more emphasis on it this time. Who’s the man behind the mask?

Professor Tincher: I would love to tell you, but I’m afraid one of our carts is a former bagger. So most of my concerns are with that right now. Did you want to get a “cart-boy” exclusive, or hey, how about “Kid’s Day” here at the good ‘ol 717? That could be a fun piece.

Tony Walmer: No. The story I came for is the story I’m gonna leave with. Now where can I find this Masked Bagger?

Professor Tincher: Really? Over a story about a kid who literally turned into a cart? Seems silly.

Tony Walmer: I’m just interested in The Masked Bagger. What’s he up to right now?

Professor Tincher: Probably off doing something heroic.

CUT TO: Adam is in the break room, smiling at the pizza on the table he’s about to eat.

Adam Hauck: Mmmmm, pizza!

Katie walks in.

Katie Collins: Can I borrow your phone?

Adam Hauck: Sure.

She walks past him, and Adam hands it to her. She sits a few seats down from him, dials a number and puts the phone to her face.

Katie Collins: Hi babe. What are you doing?

Adam groans as he realizes Katie is talking to her boyfriend, Austin.

Katie Collins: I’m on break. I can’t wait to get off. I need to see you. I’ve only been here two hours but I miss you.

Adam is quite uncomfortable. He loves her and hates listening to her having a romantic conversation with her boyfriend.

Katie Collins: Okay, well, I have to go.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) Please don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it.

Katie Collins: I love you.

She said it! Bothered, Adam looks down at his pizza.

Adam Hauck: Not even *you* can save the moment now.

CUT TO: A while later. Mickey and Davy walk outside.

Mickey Tork: Did you have a good time, Davy?

Davy Tork: Yeah!

Cartastrophe wheels up to them. He’s wearing a saddle on his back.

Cartastrophe: Don’t leave without a cart ride!

Davy Tork: Ooh, can I Mickey? Please!

Mickey Tork: I don’t know. I don’t remember Mr. Tincher mentioning anything about cart rides.

Davy Tork: Please!

Mickey always has a tough time saying no to his brother.

Mickey Tork: Okay.

He picks Davy up, and sets him on top of Cartastrophe.

Cartastrophe: Hold on, little one.

He rolls around close to Mickey for a little bit, making it seem like a pleasant ride, but then suddenly speeds off. Mickey freaks out.

Mickey Tork: Ride over! Ride over!

Mickey looks inside the store and spots Masked Bagger, making his rounds for the customers. He runs over to him.

Mickey Tork: Masked Bagger, that cart ride outside has gone haywire!

Masked Bagger: Cart ride?

Suddenly he realizes it must be Randy Blaine. He runs outside and looks around but doesn’t see him anywhere.

Masked Bagger: Mickey, I’m afraid that was no ride. It’s the latest 717 super villain!

Mickey Tork: We have to save my brother!

Masked Bagger: “We”?

Mickey Tork: I’m coming with you. No offense, but with Davy’s life on the line, just one guy to the rescue isn’t enough.

Masked Bagger: Let’s go.

Mickey Tork: Great! Where to?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. I usually go down to the basement, and discuss things with Professor Tincher.

Mickey Tork: There’s a basement? Who’s Professor Tincher? Is he Mr. Tincher’s brother, or someone?

Masked Bagger: Oops. It’s possible I’ve revealed too much.

CUT TO: Back at the office with Tincher and Tony.

Professor Tincher: You know, even if you meet Masked Bagger, it’s not like he gonna give you personal information about himself. He never reveals too much.

Tony Walmer: Maybe, maybe not, but I’m a reporter, and I have to try.

Professor Tincher: Listen, I’ll tell you what you want to know. Masked Bagger first came to 717 in February of this year. Since then, he’s defeated seven super villains, not to mention countless evil birds. He fights to keep the floors of Kroger safe for the public, not to mention the employees.

Tony Walmer: So you say you’re gonna tell me what I want to know, but then you don’t. I want to know his secret identity!

Professor Tincher: If I tell you, it won’t be a secret, now will it?

Tony Walmer: But I won’t tell another living soul. I’ll simply type the news onto a piece of paper. That’s it. Now, true, that paper will be the cover of the Kroger Gazette, but it’s not like I’m going to go around blabbing, or anything.

Professor Tincher: No.

Tony Walmer: Whatever. Listen, what about the captured villains? Where are they at… or is your fine superhero a murderer?

Professor Tincher: I keep them incarcerated in the basement!

Tony Walmer: Take me down there. I’d like to talk to some of them.

Professor Tincher: Why? It’s not like any of them know his secret identity.

Suddenly, Tincher remembers that Meat-Man DOES know that Masked Bagger is really Adam Hauck!

Tony Walmer: No, of course not. I just want some interesting stories.

Professor Tincher: Okay, I’ll take you down there but first you should know something about me. I hope it doesn’t happen during your visit, but I’m a narcoleptic. I could just fall asleep at any mo…

Tincher drops to the floor, pretending to be asleep. Tony shakes him.

Professor Tincher: (drowsy) I’ll get up in a few minutes, mom.

Tony is ticked off, but decides to just wait for Tincher to wake up.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Mickey Tork are in the basement.

Masked Bagger: Tincher’s not down here, but I can look at the outside monitors myself. Maybe I can see where the cart has taken Davy.

Mickey Tork: This visit down here would be so much cooler if I wasn’t scared to death for my little brother. I love him so much. If anything happens to him, I’ll just…

Masked Bagger: Nothing’s gonna happen to him. We got this.

Mickey Tork: I hope you’re right.

The 717 Guardian watches the monitors.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I don’t know what this means. I spot the cart villain, but he’s hiding with all the other carts on the side of the building. I don’t see Davy anywhere.

Mickey Tork: Maybe he turned Davy into a cart. Like how a vampire bite turns someone into a vampire.

Masked Bagger: No, I don’t think so, but there’s one way to find out.

CUT TO: Mindy is inside Bernie’s house. His parents are gone for the moment. His room is set up with a stool for Mindy and painting tools for himself.

Bernie Boswell: Okay, why don’t you shed the clothing, sit down, and I’ll get started. This will be a masterpiece. I can just feel it.

Mindy Dalton: I’ve wanted a nude painting of myself for quite some time, but no one has the right painting skills to capture my beauty. I know it’s not very modest, but when you look like this, being modest about your looks just makes you seem ignorant.

Bernie Boswell: I agree. Well chit chat’s over. Strip, sit, and smile.

She does. This is a great moment for Bernie, even if she is younger than what he prefers. Although she’s at least ten years older than him, so there's that. He begins to paint, figuring that he can do as good a job as his brother.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Mickey are out front.

Masked Bagger: Mickey, you stay behind. I’ll confront the living cart.

Mickey Tork: No way. I’m going with you.

Masked Bagger: I insist. Stay here.

Mickey Tork: Fine.

The hero in a mask walks over to the carts where the villain is.

Masked Bagger: Show yourself, Cart-Boy!

Cartastrophe: Actually, my name is Cartastrophe.

He rolls out. His feet turn from wheels to normal feet, and he stands up in front of Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Hey, a kind of creative villain name. Bravo! Now what did you do with Davy Tork?

Cartastrophe: All in good time, Bagger. Just know, I have no beef with the kid.

Masked Bagger: Who do you have a beef with?

Cartastrophe: Wouldn’t *you* like to know.

Masked Bagger: Uh, yeah. Kinda why I asked.

The evil cart remains silent.

Masked Bagger: Okay, if you won’t tell me, I’m gonna have to take you in.

Cartastrophe punches Masked Bagger in the face with his wheel.

Masked Bagger: Ouch! Hey don’t be mad at me. I’m just doing my job. I’m a bagger. You’re a cart. It’s Kroger nature for me to take you in!

Cartastrophe: You’re not a very bright bagger if you think you’re taking *me* in!

Masked Bagger: Well then ignorance is bliss!

Cartastrophe: You’re an idiot!

Masked Bagger: I don’t know that! I’m *ignorant* to that! But forget this! Why are you doing this? What do you have against Mickey’s brother?

Cartastrophe: The simple fact that he *is* Mickey’s brother. When I was just a human bagger, and the ground opened up, I called out for help. Mickey Tork was there. He witnessed the whole thing, but didn’t even try to help me. It’s time for revenge.

Masked Bagger: Nope, sorry. We already did a revenge story. Unless you can top throwing an onion at Mickey.

The cart villain smiles.

Cartastrophe: The best way to hurt someone is to hurt the one they love. That’s why I have little Davy tied up in the fuel center, which is rigged with explosives!

Masked Bagger runs away, headed to the fuel center. However, Cartastrophe has twenty-five remote control carts set up to prevent our hero from reaching his destination in time.

CUT TO: The office with a fake-sleeping Tincher and an upset Tony.

Tony Walmer: Wake up!

Professor Tincher: Did I just fall asleep? How embarrassing.

Tony Walmer: No, you didn’t *just* fall asleep. You’ve slept for an hour and a half!

Professor Tincher: Well what are we waiting for? Let’s go downstairs to talk to the super villains.

Tony Walmer: Finally. It’s 3:15!

Professor Tincher: Oh, it’s 3:15? Well all the villains are having a nap right now. I won’t wake them up, either. They’ll be cranky, and it’s a chore getting them back to sleep.

Tony Walmer: Are you kidding me, Tincher?

Professor Tincher: You know what, I’ve had it with your attitude. Get out of my store!

Tony Walmer: I was sent here by corporate. I ain’t leaving without my story.

Professor Tincher: I’m sure they don’t want you to reveal the secret of Masked Bagger’s identity. They’re on my side.

Tony Walmer: Okay, fine. I’m outta here. Just know one thing. I’ll be back, and when you least expect it. Only, you won’t know I’m back. I can be very sneaky.

Tony leaves the office. Professor Tincher heads for the basement, proud that he got rid of the reporter without revealing Masked Bagger’s identity.

CUT TO: Bernie is almost finished painting Mindy.

Mindy Dalton: Are you close to being done, yet?

Bernie Boswell: Tut, tut, don’t rush a genius of art.

Mindy Dalton: I’m sorry. It’s just cold in here.

Bernie Boswell: I know. My parents keep it at 60 degrees inside the house.

Mindy Dalton: I have to pee.

Bernie Boswell: Just two more strokes, and I’m finished.

Bernie finishes the painting.

Mindy Dalton: Done?

Bernie Boswell: Yep. Put on your robe, and come over here, and take a look at my finest painting yet!

Mindy puts her robe on, and walks over to Bernie and the painting. It’s no masterpiece. All Bernie did was paint a stick figure. To be fair, it’s honestly the best he could do, but nevertheless, she’s mad.

Mindy Dalton: Is this a joke? I posed for three hours for you, and THAT is what you painted? What do you call this?

Bernie Boswell: (nervous) Um, abstract.

Mindy Dalton: It’s a freaking stick figure!

Bernie Boswell: But a beautiful stick figure - the Mona Lisa of stick figure paintings!

Mindy Dalton: Unbelievable!

Bernie Boswell: Considering your feelings on the painting, this might be a bad time to bring it up, but I’m gonna need you to pay me the $300 now.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is on the parking lot, running to get to the fuel center before it blows up, killing Davy, who’s trapped inside. However, a remote control cart sideswipes the 717 Guardian, knocking him to the ground. Our hero gets back up, and continues to run but only makes it a few steps before another cart rams into him. He doesn’t fall down this time, but it’s certainly slowing him down. Masked Bagger continues to run, but carts keep hitting him, preventing him from going very far. It’s a couple minutes later, and he’s not even made it to where the first parking space is.

Masked Bagger: This is maddening!

He takes a few more steps, and is run into by another cart. A crowd has formed, watching our beloved hero getting beaten by carts. Tony Walmer walks outside, and is also a witness to this. Masked Bagger runs a little bit more, but, as you guessed, was hit by another cart. He’s getting angry. He finally runs faster than he did before, and no carts come close to him… until one rolls up, and rams him from the side. He flies in the air, but before landing, another cart slams into him, causing him to continue flying in the air, going back to the sidewalk - where he started. He hits the ground, and rolls back to Cartastrophe, who smiles.

Cartastrophe: There, there, simple bagger. You didn’t get very far. Don’t worry about the time, though. It’s not counting down to zero to blow. It will blow up when I crash into it because I know you can’t stop me. I can outrun you any day. No offense, but you’re kinda out of shape.

Masked Bagger: I have the full intention of exercising but then I just don’t.

Cartastrophe: (sarcastically) Hey tell THAT story again!

Suddenly he takes off, headed for the fuel center. Masked Bagger runs after him, knowing what will happen if he doesn’t. The evil cart is smiling as he feels a victory coming on. Masked Bagger is running as fast as he can alongside Cartastrophe, but it doesn’t seem to be fast enough. He takes out his bag-gun, and shoots it at the villain, but it doesn’t connect.

Masked Bagger: No! Don’t do this!

Cartastrophe outruns the hero, and it looks as though nothing can be done to save young Davy Tork. Cartastrophe accelerates his speed as he yells…

Cartastrophe: Kamikaze Cart!!!

Masked Bagger: No!!!

Seeing no way of beating the wheeled villain to the fuel center, the 717 Guardian stops in his tracks, and watches as Cartastrophe successfully slams into his destination, and BOOM!!! The fuel center blows up. Debris is hurtling through the air. Masked Bagger drops to his knees, and tears come out of his eyes. He has failed. Mickey walks up behind him.

Mickey Tork: This is why I wanted to help you. No matter how good you are, sometimes you just need a little help.

Masked Bagger turns around, and sees Mickey Tork standing there… next to his kid brother, a very much alive Davy. Our hero stands up.

Masked Bagger: How did you… What happened? I thought you were dead! The explosion and all… you were supposed to be inside.

Davy Tork: Sorry to disappoint.

Masked Bagger: No, I’m just confused.

Mickey Tork: It’s quite simple. While you were battling those carts, I snuck into the fuel center, and got Davy out myself. Luckily all those carts were focused on you, and you alone.

Davy Tork: Yeah, Mickey’s a hero!

Masked Bagger: Yes he is. Employee of the Month material in my opinion.

Tony Walmer walks up to the sexy 717 Guardian.

Tony Walmer: Masked Bagger, I’m Tony Walmer of the Kroger Gazette. I’d like to interview you!

Masked Bagger: No.

Tony Walmer: Don’t you want your story out there?

Masked Bagger: The only story I want out there is the story of these two brothers, and how one risked his life to save the other.

Tony Walmer: Yeah, I suppose corporate WILL want a story on the explosion - darn it. Know this, I WILL get a Masked Bagger exclusive one day, and the world WILL know your true identity.

Masked Bagger: Cool story, bro. (smiles) I got that from the internet.

Masked Bagger walks away, headed for the store. He makes his way through the crowd of people and into the lobby, through the store, and finally downstairs to the basement. Professor Tincher is there, unaware of what went on outside.

Professor Tincher: You will not believe the stressful kind of day I had.

CUT TO: A couple hours later at the fuel center. Masked Bagger is there with a few other people, who are cleaning up the area. Among the debris is an unconscious Cartastrophe. He lets out a faint moan. He’s alive! Masked Bagger quickly takes out his bag-gun and shoots him.

Masked Bagger: Got him.

CUT TO: The next day. Adam is up front bagging. Bernie walks into the store. Adam sees him and asks…

Adam Hauck: Bernie, how’d you get that black eye?

Bernie Boswell: Apparently my artwork is too controversial for some to handle.

Adam Hauck: You have artwork?

Bernie Boswell: I don’t want to talk about it. It’s too painful, except to say that artists really do suffer. I think I’m gonna go cut off my ear now. It’s what we do.

Bernie walks over to produce. Adam resumes bagging. Mickey and Katie walk over to Adam.

Katie Collins: Once again, you missed all the excitement yesterday.

Adam Hauck: Did I?

Mickey Tork: Yeah. Cartastrophe kidnapped my kid brother, and blew up the fuel center. Thanks to Masked Bagger, I was able to sneak off and get Davy out of there before it blew.

Katie Collins: Yeah, and you were nowhere in sight. Big surprise.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, I seem to always miss out on all the fun.

Adam then turns to you - the reader - and winks.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #9. Return of the Pineapple-Man

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Pineapple-Man alias Vince Beckett
Bernie Boswell
Hailie Morgan (who disguises herself as Pineapple-Princess [pictured below])

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #9. Return of the Pineapple-Man

Originally Released on January 12th, 2014

Here Now, Our Story…

Masked Bagger is making his rounds in the store when he sees a guy putting meat into his jacket. Our hero walks up to him.

Masked Bagger: Boo!

Guy: That didn’t scare me. You don’t scare me.

Masked Bagger: You *should* be scared of me.

Guy: Is that a threat?

Masked Bagger: No. It’s advice.

The guy takes a swing, but Masked Bagger ducks and then punches the guy in the face. He goes down.

Masked Bagger: That’s all it took? Oh, I forgot. I usually battle villains with super powers. Well, time to call the cops.

CUT TO: Adam enters the basement lab. The Professor’s down there.

Adam Hauck: I caught a meat thief!

Professor Tincher has a big smile on his face. Adam wonders why.

Adam Hauck: What are you so happy about? It wasn’t *that* big of a deal.

Professor Tincher: I did it!

Adam Hauck: Oh, okay. Congrats. Is she still here?

Professor Tincher: What? No. I mean I did what I’ve been trying to do all this time. I’ve found a way to turn super villains back into their original persona.

Adam Hauck: Hey, that’s big! You’re a genius.

Professor Tincher: I know.

Adam Hauck: Not very modest, however.

Professor Tincher: No need to be modest. I’ve done something wonderful. Now, so far I’ve only done it to *one* of the villains. He’s our guinea pig. If everything works out, I’ll do it to the rest.

Adam Hauck: Who’d you choose?

Adam hears footsteps, and looks over to see Vince Beckett - no longer the Pineapple-Man - coming towards them. The former produce head has a smile on his face. It’s contagious as now all three men are smiling.

Vince Beckett: Why hello there, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Vince, it’s been a while. (playing dumb) I thought you quit the store or something. I hadn’t seen you around.

Vince Beckett: I was preoccupied with something else. However, I’m back now, and ready to take over the helm of produce once again.

Adam turns to Tincher.

Adam Hauck: Uh, this now presents a problem. What about Bernie?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. I didn’t think everything through. I’m just glad to have successfully transformed him back.

Vince Beckett: By the way, what are you doing down here in the basement, Adam? I assumed only Mr. Tincher and The Masked Bagger knew about this place.

Adam Hauck: Um, well, I stumbled across it a couple months ago, and since then have been coming down here every once in a while to chat with the good ‘ol Masked Bagger, and Tincher, too.

Professor Tincher: Vince, I just wanted to apologize for making you work that day. Obviously, had I known what was in store for you, I wouldn’t have.

Vince Beckett: Keep your apologies, Stan. Sure I was mad at the time, but since I’ve been incarcerated here, you’ve taken care of me as well as the other store villains. You’re an honorable man. If anything, I must apologize to you.

Professor Tincher: For what?

Vince Beckett: Well for trying to kill you, of course.

Professor Tincher: (laughs) Oh yeah. I forgot.

Adam Hauck: Well I should go back upstairs and bag. Good to see you again, Vince. I mean it.

Vince Beckett: Thank you, Adam.

CUT TO: Adam is walking back up front when he spots Katie doing re-shops. Even though she has a boyfriend, Adam still likes her, and is planning to wait out this new relationship.

Adam Hauck: Hi, Katie. How are you doing?

Katie Collins: Bad. Austin is pissing me off. He’s such a jerk.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry. Anything you care to talk about?

Katie Collins: No.

Adam Hauck: Good, because I didn’t want to hear about it anyways.

Katie Collins: You’re a jerk, too!

Adam Hauck: No, I was just trying to be nice by asking if you wanted to talk about it. It’s just too hard for me to listen to your relationship stories, feeling for you the way I do.

Katie Collins: All you need to know is that Austin is a jerk and doesn’t treat me right.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry to hear that.

Katie Collins: Whatever. I have to get carts now.

Katie walks away. Adam thinks this could be it for Katie and Austin, and gets an idea.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Vince Beckett walk over to produce and spot Bernie Boswell.

Professor Tincher: Bernie, I’d like you to meet Vince Beckett.

Bernie Boswell: Why does that name sound familiar?

Vince Beckett: Because it’s the name of the man you replaced.

Bernie Boswell: Oh yeah. You turned evil and started throwing all the produce at people.

Vince Beckett: Well I’m back now, so I’ll be resuming department head duties.

Bernie Boswell: What? Mr. Tincher, is this true?

Professor Tincher: I feel for right now, you two can be partners until I figure something out, or make transfer plans.

Bernie Boswell: Wait, who would be getting transferred?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. Wow me.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t think that’s how it works, but in any case, how about dinner tonight at my place? My dad’s making spaghetti.

Jokingly, Tincher turns to Vince.

Professor Tincher: Vince, can you top spaghetti?

Vince Beckett: No, ha-ha. I’ll transfer to a different store. It’s not fair to Mr. Boswell here that I just come back and take his job from him.

Bernie Boswell: Thanks for understanding.

Professor Tincher: Well you two can work together for now, right?

Vince Beckett: Of course.

Adam walks up.

Adam Hauck: I don’t mean to interrupt… but I will. Bernie, doesn’t your uncle own a recording studio?

Bernie Boswell: Yeah. Why? You wanna make a CD together?

Adam Hauck: Yes I do. Along with Mr. Tincher and Mickey. I figured you three could sing back up. I’ll be the lead singer.

Professor Tincher: Why do you want to do this? It’s not an attempt to impress Katie, is it? She has a boyfriend, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Can he sing?

Professor Tincher: Can you?

Adam Hauck: Kinda.

Professor Tincher: Well in that case, I’m in.

CUT TO: A recording studio. Adam, Tincher, Bernie and Mickey are in the booth.

Bernie Boswell: I’m sorry I wasn’t able to get you a discount, Adam.

Adam Hauck: It’s okay. I’m just glad we’re here, and we can make a vanity CD.

Mickey Tork: But what kind of CD is this? We’re only doing one song.

Adam Hauck: It’s called a single. Besides this is the only song I know. Also, it’s cheaper this way. No offense Bernie, but your uncle charges a lot to use this booth.

Bernie Boswell: No offense taken because I don’t like my uncle.

Professor Tincher: This seems silly to me.

Adam Hauck: Come on. It’s going to be fun.

Professor Tincher: I think you and I have different opinions on what’s considered fun, but I’m doing this anyways, as a friend.

Adam Hauck: Thanks.

CUT TO: The produce back room. Vince drops an apple, but before it hits the floor, he uses telekinesis to stop it and send it back up to him. Back in his hand, Vince takes a big bite out of the fruit and smiles.

CUT TO: The guys back at the recording studio.

Adam Hauck: Alright. Everybody ready?

Tincher, Mickey & Bernie: Yes.

Adam Hauck: Let’s do it. One, two, a-one, two three, four…

The music starts for the song “Na Na Na (Kiss Him Goodbye).”

Tincher, Mickey & Bernie: ♪ Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye. ♪

Adam Hauck: ♪ He’ll never love you, the way that I love you. Cause if he did, no, no, he wouldn’t make you cry. He might be thrillin’ baby but a-my love… ♪

Tincher, Mickey & Bernie: ♪ My love, my love. ♪

Adam Hauck: ♪ So kiss him… ♪

Tincher, Mickey & Bernie: ♪ I wanna see you kiss him, I wanna see you kiss him goodbye… ♪

They sing the rest of the song. When it’s over, they’re all proud of themselves, and start high-fiving one another. They are now “Adam & the Others.”

(Steam performing "Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaG2Acg8n60

CUT TO: Adam is in the produce department, looking at the apples, trying to pick out one for a customer who forgot to get it and asked the bagger to go for it. As he’s looking, a rumbling occurs in the fruits.

Adam Hauck: Weird.

Suddenly all the fruits and vegetables leave their shelf and fall upwards as if gravity is on the ceiling. Adam looks up, but doesn’t know what to make of it. The customer is watching and aggravated.

Customer: Could you hurry up? I don’t have all day to spend here at the grocery store.

Adam Hauck: Do you not see what I see? Everything is up on the ceiling!

Just then, it all falls to the floor. Adam grabs one, and runs over to the customer at the register.

Customer: No, I don’t like that one. Get me a better one!

Adam Hauck: Are you serious? Did you not see what just happened to me over there?

Customer: (with attitude) I'm sorry, is it all about you, or is it all about the customer?

Adam Hauck: Fine, but I am so going to vent about this on Facebook later.

Adam heads back to produce. He hears a couple of screams off in the distance and looks over to see Pineapple-Man - no longer Vince Beckett - walking slowly towards the department. All the fruits and veggies from the floor return to their spot on the shelves, thanks to Piney’s telekinesis.

Pineapple-Man: I made the full transformation.

Adam Hauck: Pineapple-Man? You’re back!

Pineapple-Man: This is true, and I have a message for Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: What’s that?

Pineapple-Man: I’m not mad at him for what happened to me. We fought and I lost. I’m not out to get revenge. This is my produce department, however, so Bernie will have to be rescued because I’m going to kill him. Why don’t you run along and fetch the good hero of our store before Bernie ends up deceased?

Adam Hauck: This feels like a trap, but I’ll do my best to get him.

Adam runs off to the bagger’s closet. When he comes out, he’s Masked Bagger - guardian of 717! He heads back to produce where Pineapple-Man is still standing. The customer thinks Adam is still in the bagger’s closet, and is upset with him for not returning with her apple.

Masked Bagger: Here I am, Piney!

Pineapple-Man: I thought I told you I hate that nickname.

Masked Bagger: Good! Now what are you doing back?

Pineapple-Man: The good professor let me out. It’s time to have some fun. I’ve really wanted to have a good kill while I was incarcerated. I’m choosing the idiot they got to replace Vince Beckett.

Masked Bagger: Come on, Vince. I know you’re still in there!

Pineapple-Man: Give it up, Bagger. Vince is a memory.

Masked Bagger: Professor Tincher reformed you! It wore off, so just take another dose of the medication!

Pineapple-Man: You fool. I was never reformed. My former appearance returned, and I knew if I said it worked, and faked it for a while, I would be freed from that basement prison.

Bernie walks up and spots Pineapple-Man.

Bernie Boswell: Yes! With Beckett evil again, there’s no question I get to keep my job!

The pariah of produce turns around to face Bernie.

Pineapple-Man: How can you keep your job if you’re dead?

Bernie Boswell: I couldn’t. It’s a good thing I’m alive.

Pineapple-Man: You can’t take a hint, can you?

Bernie Boswell: No. Why?

Pineapple-Man quickly takes out a sharp produce knife, and stabs Bernie in the chest. He drops to the floor. Masked Bagger runs over.

Masked Bagger: No!

Pineapple-Man: (jokingly) What kind of a superhero are you, Bagger? You were supposed to rescue the weird produce boy. You have failed and will have to live with this failure for the rest of your life. Hahaha, THAT’S my revenge!

Piney - using telekinesis - hurls a cantaloupe at Masked Bagger, hitting him in the face, which serves as a diversion for the bad guy to run off. The 717 Guardian bounces back quickly, and goes over to Bernie, who is on the floor, dying.

Bernie Boswell: Don’t tell my mom I’m dead. She lost her mind years ago and believes there are tiny aliens living under her bed, ready to attack at any moment. So just tell her I joined the military, was shrunken, and sent under her bed to keep the aliens from taking over earth. My dad’s sane, so you can tell him the truth - a giant, walking, talking pineapple stabbed me to death.

Masked Bagger: We’re gonna get you to the hospital, Bernie. Don’t give up yet. It’s not your time!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are in the basement lab.

Professor Tincher: I can’t believe I failed.

Masked Bagger: Don’t beat yourself up over this.

Professor Tincher: I can’t help it. I was so sure I did it. I was so happy about it. I felt as though I had some small control in this crazy world. Because of me, Bernie’s…

Masked Bagger: In the hospital. Hopefully he recovers, but right now, we have to figure out a way to stop Pineapple-Man.

Professor Tincher: Did you try using your bag-gun?

Masked Bagger: That sounds simple enough, but most of the time I’m fighting a villain, I don’t think to shoot them with it. So no, I didn’t try my bag-gun.

Professor Tincher: Well try that, but for now we have to figure a way to get him out in the open. I mean, I assume he’s in hiding right now.

Our hero looks at the monitor, which is right behind Tincher. It shows Pineapple-Man, proudly walking around produce.

Masked Bagger: Um, he’s not hiding. Look!

He points to the monitor. Tincher turns and looks at it.

Professor Tincher: Go get him!

Masked Bagger leaves the basement, headed for produce.

CUT TO: The produce. Pineapple-Man is standing there, when Hailie Morgan walks up to him. She’s instantly smitten with him.

Hailie Morgan: Who be you?

Pineapple-Man: What?

Hailie Morgan: Who be you?

Pineapple-Man: Please speak English.

Hailie Morgan: I’m asking who you are.

Pineapple-Man: Oh, I’m Pineapple-Man.

Hailie Morgan: Dang, you fine. How ‘bout we find someplace to go, and press it?

Pineapple-Man: Excuse me?

Hailie Morgan: “Press it” - you know, press our bodies together, doing the sex thang. Another term for bumping nasties.

Pineapple-Man: Where were you raised, young lady?

Hailie Morgan: Nunya.

Pineapple-Man: Nunya?

Hailie Morgan: Nunya business.

With his mind, Pineapple-Man hurls a peach at Hailie’s stomach.

Hailie Morgan: Ouch. (smiles) I love it when men get rough. I’ll be back. I think I know what you want!

Hailie walks away.

Pineapple-Man: You leaving - that’s exactly what I want.

Masked Bagger comes up to the super villain, holding his bag-gun. Piney quickly, telekinetically, throws a pineapple at the gun, knocking it out of our hero’s hand. It hits the floor and breaks.

Pineapple-Man: We won’t have a repeat of before when you defeated me using a cart strap and that bag-gun.

The produce pariah thinks of all the fruits and vegetables covering Masked Bagger’s body, and because he has that power, it happens. The 717 Guardian is suddenly buried under all the produce in the store. Then, using his mind control, Piney pushes them, sliding our hero with them, all the way to the deli. When Masked Bagger gets out, he looks down at produce, but Pineapple-Man is gone. Masked Bagger walks off as all the fruits and vegetables are left on the floor of the deli.

Voice on Intercom: Clean-up in the deli. Clean up in the deli.

Mickey, the cleaner, walks over to the mess.

Mickey Tork: I knew it was a mistake getting out of bed this morning.

CUT TO: The next day. Pineapple-Man is once again strutting around the produce department. Hailie walks over to him. She is now gussied up to look like a female version of the produce pariah.

Pineapple-Man: Who are you?

Hailie Morgan: Pineapple-Princess! I be all yours.

Pineapple-Man: I must admit, this *is* doing something for me.

Hailie Morgan: I knew it would. Let’s press it.

Pineapple-Man: Oh wait. You’re that obnoxious girl with the bizarre way of speaking.

Hailie Morgan: Yep, that be me.

Pineapple-Man: Goodbye.

Hailie Morgan: Give me a chance. Maybe we have some stuff in common. What’s your favorite TV show?

Pineapple-Man: I don’t watch television.

Hailie Morgan: Oh. Mine be “14 and Dreaming of Being Pregnant.”

Pineapple-Man: (sarcastically) That’s some quality programming there.

Hailie Morgan: You dang tootin’.

CUT TO: Adam walks into work. Professor Tincher is up front.

Adam Hauck: Any word on Bernie?

Professor Tincher: He’s still in critical condition. I don’t know if he’s gonna make it.

Adam Hauck: That’s it. Until Pineapple-Man is captured, Adam Hauck is gonna be off work. I’m Masked Bagger non-stop.

Professor Tincher: Quick, pretend like you’re sick.

Adam groans really loud. Customers and employees look as he fakes being doubled over with stomach pains.

Adam Hauck: I have to go home. I am so very sick!

Professor Tincher: Yes, by all means, go home, Adam!

Adam walks outside, changes into Masked Bagger, and re-enters the store. The Professor decides to keep things going.

Professor Tincher: Why hello there, Masked Bagger. Did you happen to see Adam Hauck outside?

Masked Bagger: Yes, I passed him on my way in here. He looked sick. I imagine he’ll be okay though. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.

The Masked Bagger heads over to produce. Both pineapple people are standing there.

Masked Bagger: What did you do to Hailie?

Pineapple-Man: I didn’t do anything to her. She did this to herself.

Hailie Morgan: I be the Pineapple-Princess.

Masked Bagger: Walk away, Hailie. This doesn’t concern you.

Hailie grabs a pear and throws it at Masked Bagger. He catches it and tosses it on the floor.

Masked Bagger: You’re making me angry, Hailie.

Hailie Morgan: Pineapple-Princess!

Masked Bagger: You realize Pineapple-Man is evil? He stabbed Bernie, and a few months ago kidnapped Mr. Tincher, and almost killed him.

Hailie Morgan: I like bad boys.

Pineapple-Man: You were kind of amusing for about two seconds, but now I’m done with you. Join Bernie.

Pineapple-Man takes the knife out of his pants pocket.

Hailie Morgan: That was a knife in yo pocket? Dang, I thought you be turned on.

He raises his arm. Masked Bagger pushes Hailie out of the way. As the knife is about to make contact with our hero’s masculine chest, a giant plastic bag covers Piney’s body. Masked Bagger looks over, and sees Professor Tincher, holding the bag-gun.

Professor Tincher: I fixed it. Funny how it *was* the very first thing I thought to do when I saw him.

Hailie Morgan: What? That’s it? I be wanting to see some blood - a ghetto style fight!

Masked Bagger: Sorry to disappoint. How are you doing with that still being alive thing, though?

Hailie Morgan: (insulted) You be wanting a thank you?

Masked Bagger: No. That’s not why I do what I do.

Hailie Morgan: Well thanks, anyway. Thanks for screwing up my love life. He be like my soul mate.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher walks back into the basement lab after incarcerating Pineapple-Man. Masked Bagger is standing there.

Professor Tincher: And back to the cell he goes.

Masked Bagger: Where he belongs.

Professor Tincher: No. He belongs upstairs. He belongs back in produce. He belongs with the normal people.

Masked Bagger: Have you been upstairs lately? Who are these “normal people” you’re referring to?

Professor Tincher: You know what I mean. I’ve failed.

Masked Bagger: Professor, it’s not your fault that Vince is Pineapple-Man. It wasn’t your fault when he was first transformed, and it’s not your fault now. We’re battling evil here. It was evil that placed that ladder in front of the compost, and it was evil that struck that ladder with lightning causing Vince to fall in. I have faith that we will win in the end, but the end is a long ways off. So until then, we just have to rely on each other to get through this and to manage the chaos.

Professor Tincher: (smiles) I knew there was a reason I chose you to be our hero.

CUT TO: Adam finds Katie to present her with the CD the guys and he made. He’s nervous, but believes she’ll love it.

Adam Hauck: Hi Katie. How are you doing?

Katie Collins: Great! I love Austin so much! He’s so sweet!

Adam Hauck: Um, what? I thought you were mad at him.

Katie Collins: Yeah, I was, but not now. He’s my honey bun.

Adam Hauck: So you’re not on the verge of breaking up?

Katie Collins: You’ve never been in a relationship, have you?

Adam Hauck: Once, but she lied about her age… and identity. Plus she took up smoking.

Katie Collins: Well you don’t break up over a little fight. Couples fight, but then they make up. You weren’t wishing for us to break up, were you?

Adam Hauck: No, of course not.

Katie Collins: Good. I’ll see ya later, kid.

Katie walks off.

Adam Hauck: (to himself) It’s quite possible that I am a fool.

He then throws the CD in the garbage.

CUT TO: A few days later. At the hospital. Masked Bagger and Professor Tincher are walking down the hallway, just having a casual conversation.

Masked Bagger: No, you’re forgetting Bashful. It’s Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy and Bashful.

Professor Tincher: Oh, right.

They walk into Bernie’s room. He’s laying in the bed, looking good… well for Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: I don’t believe it - The Masked Bagger! Hello!

Masked Bagger: Hi, Bernie. How are you doing?

Bernie Boswell: Good.

Masked Bagger: So, you’re going to live?

Bernie Boswell: That’s what the doctors say. Thanks to my religion - Boswellity - I can’t die. I should have had more faith in that before.

That is not the reason he survived, but Bernie seems to believe it.

Professor Tincher: Masked Bagger captured Pineapple-Man, which means Vince Beckett is gone, too. So when you return to work, you don’t have to worry about either one of his personalities.

Bernie Boswell: That’s great.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry this happened to you.

Bernie Boswell: Don’t be. I’m loving the attention. It’s nice to finally have people show they care about me. Getting stabbed was the best thing to ever happen to me. Plus, I got the nurse’s phone number.

Professor Tincher: Let me guess, she’s old.

Bernie Boswell: It’s tacky to give her age, but I’ll put it to you this way, she’s lived through three presidential assassinations.

Professor Tincher: No, that’s impossible, Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: Well, I’m not sure exactly how old. I guess she’s about your age, Mister Tincher.

If Masked Bagger wasn’t there to stop the Professor, Bernie may have had a longer stay in the hospital.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

**SEASON FINALE**

ISSUE #10. Kroger Genesis

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Mickey Tork

Guest Starring:
Time-Clock alias Chuck Hardy [pictured below]
Barney Kroger [pictured below]
Kroger Devil [pictured below]
Roy Carter [pictured below]

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #10. Kroger Genesis

Originally Released on January 28th, 2014

And Now This Episode…

JANUARY 2013 - Professor Tincher is in the basement lab. He’s working on a time machine outfit with his friend, co-manager Chuck Hardy. This is a full month before Adam arrives at 717 and becomes the masked hero we all know and love.

Professor Tincher: That’s it. I’m done!

Chuck Hardy: You’ve just invented a time machine that’s also a suit of armor. You’re going to be famous!

Professor Tincher: I didn’t do this for fame. I did it so I can go back in time and find out what happened to my son, Bailey. I have to rescue him, which would of course save Brooke, too.

Chuck Hardy: Too bad that’s not going to happen, buddy.

Professor Tincher: Why not?

Chuck Hardy: I’ve got other ideas for it.

Professor Tincher: Huh?

Chuck Hardy: You’re a genius but not very bright. I’ve been using you for your brain. Do you honestly think I like you?

Just then, Chuck punches Tincher in the face, knocking him out. He takes a syringe and jabs it in Tincher’s temple.

Chuck Hardy: There, I’ve erased your knowledge of time travel, so you won’t be able to duplicate this machine and come after me.

Chuck puts on the suit of armor, becoming a walking, talking time machine. There’s a flash of light as Chuck Hardy, now The Time-Clock, vanishes.

CUT TO: JANUARY 2014 - It’s the morning and Adam enters the store. He’s looking upset. Professor Tincher happens to be up front and greets his employee.

Professor Tincher: Good morning, Adam. How are you doing?

Adam Hauck: Not good. I got on Facebook earlier and noticed that Katie has changed her name to “Austin Katie Slaughter.” It’s like she just looks for new ways to twist the knife in my heart.

Professor Tincher: Adam, you have to get over her.

Adam Hauck: I can’t. I know it’s right.

Professor Tincher: You seem to be the only one who *knows* that.

Adam Hauck: Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it any less right.

Professor Tincher: Listen, I need you to put on your Masked Bagger outfit. We’re gonna shoot that commercial now.

Adam Hauck: I’m on it.

Adam walks away to become Masked Bagger - Guardian of 717, star of his very own commercial.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is standing in front of Masked Bagger with a camcorder. They are in the manager’s office.

Professor Tincher: Okay. Masked Bagger commercial take one… action!

Masked Bagger: Hello. My name is Masked Bagger. I am a superhero from Kroger store 717. Kroger goes back to the year 1883, when a gentleman by the name of Barney Kroger opened the very first store. Back then, his biggest problem was simply living in the 1800s. No TV, no internet, no rock and roll music. I know *I* couldn’t have survived back then. Luckily, today there’s plenty of TV, lots of internet and the rock and roll music is here, too.

Professor Tincher: Cut! Adam, none of this is from the script.

Adam Hauck: I’m sorry, Professor. I didn’t memorize the script. I figured I could just wing it.

Professor Tincher: Why?

Masked Bagger: I was up all night writing a series of stories about what my life would be like if I hadn’t come to 717. I’m just Adam, a cleaner working at store 832 and having all sorts of wacky misadventures. In my latest issues, I’ve just gotten married and now it’s a month later and my beautiful bride tells me that she’s pregnant. These stories are accurate to what I’m sure would be going on in my real life right now had I not come here.

Professor Tincher: Sorry to have taken you away from all that.

Masked Bagger: It’s okay. As soon as I buy some ink, I’ll print you out a copy.

Suddenly, there’s a flash of light as The Time-Clock appears. Tincher recognizes the outfit instantly. Masked Bagger, obviously doesn’t.

Time-Clock: Let’s play a time game!

Professor Tincher: Chuck Hardy? Is that you?

Time-Clock: My name is Time-Clock.

Masked Bagger: Is this a super villain, Professor?

Professor Tincher: It’s someone from the past.

Just then, Time-Clock lunges at Masked Bagger, and they both fall to the floor. Once they land, there’s a different surrounding. Our hero looks around, confused. It’s a much smaller store and is painted red, inside and out.

Masked Bagger: What’s this?

Time-Clock: Tag. You’re it!

The villain gets off our precious hero and stands over him.

Time-Clock: I’m going to take off for a while. If you don’t find me by the time I leave this period, then you’re stuck here forever!

Masked Bagger: What? Where is “here”?

Time-Clock: I believe you mean *when* is here? For you see…

A man by the name of Henry Preston enters the store and sees this.

Henry Preston: I don’t believe it - a man made out of metal!

Time-Clock extends his left arm and shoots a laser beam at Henry, killing him instantly.

Time-Clock: Like I was saying, this is a time game.

The terrible time villain turns around and runs off. Masked Bagger rolls over to the late Henry Preston and checks on him. Yep, he’s dead.

Masked Bagger: Rest in peace, sir.

Masked Bagger stands up, still trying to figure out where he is. The store doesn’t look anything like what he’s used to. For one thing, it’s just one big room. There are no aisles or departments. Just a big counter with groceries on the shelves behind it. Masked Bagger heads for the door and steps outside. It’s summertime out there. He sees a man riding a horse and buggy. There are other people walking around, dressed up in clothes from the olden days. Our hero realizes he really has gone back in time!

Masked Bagger: Oh boy!

Masked Bagger walks back inside. Barney Kroger enters from the back room. He’s surprised to see a man in a mask there.

Barney Kroger: Who are you?

Masked Bagger: Excuse me, but where am I?

Barney Kroger: Why are you wearing that mask?

Masked Bagger: Just please tell me where I am.

Barney Kroger: This is The Great Western Tea Company.

Masked Bagger: Not Kroger?

Barney Kroger: My name is Kroger.

Masked Bagger: Barney Kroger?

Barney Kroger: Yes.

Masked Bagger: Okay, now I have a nutty question for you but please just answer it straight. What year is this?

Barney Kroger: Are you out of your head? It’s 1883, of course!

Masked Bagger: 1883? That’s a long ways off of 2014.

Barney Kroger: Yes, I’d say it is. Now please explain the mask.

Masked Bagger: Oh, uh, I’m just headed to a costume party and I seem to have stumbled into your fine establishment. They had costume parties in the 1800s, right?

Barney Kroger: That’s a little peculiar, mainly due to the fact that I’m not open for business yet. The grand opening isn’t for a couple of hours, and of course we have costume parties.

Masked Bagger: So this is how it all began, huh?

Barney looks over and sees the late Henry Preston dead on the floor. Assuming he’s passed out drunk, Barney runs over to him.

Barney Kroger: Henry. Henry, are you soaked? Drinking whisky before we’re opening the store!

Masked Bagger: He’s dead. I saw the man who did it. He was also dressed in a costume.

Barney Kroger: Dead? It can’t be.

Masked Bagger: Looks like things are off to a rough start.

CUT TO: Out of the dirt, crawls an evil being. One day he will be known as The Kroger Devil, but for now, he’s simply a devil. There’s a difference in his appearance: his skin is tan, his tail doesn’t have the Kroger “K”, and his clothing is different. He laughs as his full body is above ground. He looks ahead at The Great Western Tea Company and grins.

CUT TO: The Great Western Tea Company. Barney is outside, talking to the men who are taking Henry’s body away. Masked Bagger is still inside the store. Magically, Professor Tincher appears. Our hero looks over and sees him.

Masked Bagger: Professor! I can’t believe it’s you!

Professor Tincher: Yes, well, I’m here in hologram form. Only *you* can see and hear me.

Masked Bagger: Like in the TV show “Quantum Leap”?

Professor Tincher: Exactly. That’s where I got the idea from. Look, I invented the time machine armor that Chuck stole a year ago. Since I’m the inventor, I have a device that allows me to tune into the same frequency as Time-Clock. As long as he’s in this time period, I can visit, but once he leaves… well that’s it.

Masked Bagger: You mean I’ll never see you again?

Professor Tincher: You’re playing a time game. As long as you find Time-Clock and tag him before he exits the period, you’ll return home, and everything will be fine.

Masked Bagger: Do we know when he’ll return to 2014?

Professor Tincher: By my calculations, we have three days here. Just don’t change history. You didn’t, did you?

Masked Bagger: No, I didn’t, but Time-Clock killed somebody. They say his name was Henry Preston. Can you get any info on him?

Professor Tincher: I don’t need to. I already know who he was. Have you met Roy Carter yet?

Masked Bagger: No, I don’t think so.

Professor Tincher: Roy Carter ran a grocery store called Carter’s. It’s across the street from this place, but it’s not very good. It’s poorly run and the merchandise was crap and it wasn’t cheap either. Since there was no other grocery store around for miles, many people had little choice other than to shop there. Then along came Kroger, which took pride in the business and Carter’s sales took a serious nosedive within just three days. Crazed, Carter aimed to shoot Barney Kroger, but Henry Preston shoved Kroger out of the way and got shot in his place. If Henry’s not alive to give his life for Barney, then our founder will be murdered, and at this crucial point in the life of the store, if there is no Barney Kroger, the place will just be shut down.

Masked Bagger: This is heavy!

Professor Tincher: Okay, you did your little homage to “Back to the Future.” Now let’s return to our actual situation.

Masked Bagger: Right.

Professor Tincher: If you find Time-Clock and return to the present without saving Barney first, then there won’t be a Kroger to come back to. Without a Kroger on this Earth level, the evil won’t be contained and there’s a very good chance this world will be overrun with evil.

Masked Bagger: So, I just beat up Roy Carter now? Stop him before he ever gets a chance to kill Kroger.

Professor Tincher: No. History has to play out as closely as possible to the original timeline, or anything could happen. Roy went into hiding after this and eventually fathered two children. One of them would grow up to be quite heroic and saved many lives. So we can’t risk Roy’s son not being born.

Masked Bagger: Well I understand but this won’t be easy.

Professor Tincher: So Kroger won’t get suspicious as to why you’re hanging around his store, I suggest you try and get a job here.

Masked Bagger: Okay but I’ll have some serious seniority when I get back to our store.

Professor Tincher: Technically this is the site for our store, too. They eventually moved store number one down a few blocks and 717 was built here.

Masked Bagger: Wish me luck. I’m about to have a job interview with Barney Kroger himself. It doesn’t get higher up in the company than that.

CUT TO: Adam enters The Great Western Tea Company (which will one day be called Kroger). He’s dressed in 1880’s attire that he found hanging from a clothes line in someone’s backyard. Once he walks in, Barney spots him.

Adam Hauck: Hello, I’m here looking for work.

Barney Kroger: You are in luck. My one employee just passed away so there’s an opening. Have you ever worked in a grocery store before?

Adam Hauck: Yes, but it was nothing like this.

Barney Kroger: What’s your name?

Adam Hauck: Uh, Marty… Marty McFly.

Barney Kroger: Well Marty, since I need help immediately, I’m going to take a chance on you. Do you have any questions for me?

Adam Hauck: How are you gonna run this business different from Carter’s?

Barney Kroger: For one thing - with pride. I won’t sell just anything. It’s my feeling that you need to be particular. Never sell anything you would not want yourself.

Adam Hauck: Awesome.

Barney Kroger: Our vernacular is quite different, I’m afraid. What, may I ask, is “awesome”?

Adam Hauck: It’s a word where I come from meaning good, or awesome. No, I shouldn’t use the word as its own definition.

CUT TO: “The Transit of Venus March” (music from 1883) is playing over this montage. Adam is working behind the counter as some of the first customers enter the store. They point to items on the shelf they want, and Adam gets it for them. / Adam is snooping around the store in search of Time-Clock. He also goes outside and looks around but to no avail. / With no currency he can use, Adam gets to eat with Barney Kroger. It’s good food, but it’s not pizza. Adam was shocked to learn they didn’t sell frozen pizzas at the store back then. He has to drink a glass of water which is not as clean as he’d like it to be. Adam would prefer some delicious Mountain Dew, but that wouldn’t be invented until 1940. / Adam continues working at the store, while Professor Tincher spends time in both 1883 and 2014.

("Transit of Venus March") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrpfAoiXzgc

CUT TO: Kroger 717, present day. Katie and Mickey are bagging. The place is packed with customers. There is a threat of snow, so naturally every person from Ohio has to do their shopping now.

Katie Collins: I can’t believe Adam’s not here today.

Mickey Tork: I think he’s the only person who’s not.

Katie Collins: He’s always wandering the store or calling off. I wonder how he even keeps his job.

Mickey Tork: Well he’s good friends with Mr. Tincher. I’m sure that has something to do with it.

Katie Collins: Yeah.

Mickey Tork: Mr. Tincher is also the guy who helps and mentors Masked Bagger. Of course, Adam first showed up around the same time Masked Bagger did. I wonder if…

Katie Collins: You’re not saying Adam is Masked Bagger? Imma need you to jumpstart your brain!

Mickey Tork: Yeah, you’re right. I’m being silly.

Customer: (to Mickey) And slow. Could you hurry it up? I’d like to get home before the snow covers my car and I’m stranded here.

CUT TO: Back to 1883. It’s now the third day, which is both the day Time-Clock is set to leave, and the day Barney Kroger is to die. Roy’s losing money to the competition and he’s upset. The Kroger Devil and Roy Carter are in the back room of Carter’s.

Kroger Devil: Barney Kroger needs to die. That’s the only way you are going to get ahead of the competition.

Roy Carter: I most certainly will not take a man’s life.

Kroger Devil: You most certainly will… take the fall.

Roy Carter: Who are you, anyway?

Kroger Devil: I’m a devil.

Roy Carter: That’s preposterous! You’re not the devil!

Kroger Devil: Not *the* devil, no. I’m *a* devil. The devil of Kroger’s place over there.

Roy Carter: A place has its own devil?

Kroger Devil: This one does.

Roy Carter: Be gone. I want nothing more to do with you!

Kroger Devil: We’ll have to do this the fun way… against your will.

The Kroger Devil puts his hand on Roy’s forehead, which causes his eyes to turn red. Roy is now under the control of that rotten devil.

CUT TO: Adam is behind the counter. Barney enters the store.

Barney Kroger: I’ve returned from making deliveries. This is great. I’m really in the grocery business.

Adam Hauck: Thanks for making those deliveries in my place since I don’t have my horse and buggy license.

Barney Kroger: It’s quite alright. I’m enjoying it.

Adam Hauck: Also, thanks for setting me up in the hotel across the street. It’s good to know my employer is also my friend.

Barney Kroger: I’m not going to have my employee living on the street. It could be bad for business.

Roy Carter enters the store with a glazed look in his eyes and a gun in his hand. He aims it at Barney. Adam ducks down and quickly puts on his Masked Bagger outfit. He then gets up and stands next to Kroger.

Roy Carter: Who are you?

Masked Bagger: Masked Bagger. Don’t do this, Roy.

Roy Carter: Don’t talk to me like I have a choice in the matter.

Roy Carter, possessed by the Kroger Devil, shoots at Barney but Masked Bagger pushes him out of the way and literally takes a bullet for him. Our hero drops to the floor. Both men are shocked, especially Roy, who runs out of the store. Barney Kroger kneels down beside the masked hero.

Barney Kroger: I don’t know who you are under that mask, but you have saved my life. I am eternally grateful.

Professor Tincher returns to the scene and finds Masked Bagger laying on the floor. He doesn’t know what to think.

Professor Tincher: Adam? What happened?

Masked Bagger: Barney, I would gladly do it again. Could you give me a moment to myself, though?

Barney Kroger: Certainly.

Barney leaves the store. Once he’s out, our hero begins talking.

Masked Bagger: Professor, I guess this is goodbye. I’m sorry I failed you. I did my best.

Professor Tincher: You didn’t fail me, Adam. You have been a superb superhero. I’m so proud of you.

Masked Bagger: Please tell Katie that I love her, and I’m happy for her that she’s found someone who makes her happy.

Professor Tincher: I’ll tell her.

Masked Bagger: Thank you, Professor. Thank you for giving me this life. I’ve had so much fun as The Masked Bagger. It’s given my life meaning. I guess you’ll have to find someone else to don the mask and fight evil at 717 now.

Professor Tincher: I don’t want to think about that right now. I just can’t believe your bulletproof vest failed.

Masked Bagger: Bulletproof vest?

Professor Tincher: Your jacket - it’s bulletproof. It didn’t work though.

Masked Bagger opens up his jacket and notices there’s no wound on his chest.

Masked Bagger: Okay, that explains why I’m not bleeding all over the place and why I feel fine.

Professor Tincher: Huh?

Masked Bagger: There’s a chance I’m not dying. I just assumed I was because I was shot and all.

They both smile and soon burst out laughing. This attracts the attention of Barney Kroger, who rushes back inside.

Masked Bagger: I’m going to be alright. My jacket caught the bullet.

Kroger extends his hand to our hero and helps him up off the floor.

Barney Kroger: Wonderful!

Professor Tincher spots Time-Clock out the window, hiding in some bushes.

Professor Tincher: Adam, I see Time-Clock! He’s outside in some bushes! Go get him!

Masked Bagger: Mr. Kroger, you have a great business here. I wish you the best of luck with it.

Barney Kroger: Thank you, but you sound as if you’re leaving.

Masked Bagger: I am, and so is (he takes off his mask, revealing his identity) Marty McFly. My real name is Adam Hauck. I don’t know why I lied about that before. You’ve been a great boss, but I have to go, so goodbye.

Barney Kroger: Goodbye, Masked Bagger. Thank you for everything.

Masked Bagger puts his mask back on, runs outside, and attacks Time-Clock, who gets out of the bushes. They begin to fight. Masked Bagger punches Time-Clock in the face. It hurts only our hero, since the villain’s face is made of metal. Suddenly, Professor Tincher gets a chill down his spine. He sees the Kroger Devil standing there, watching the fight.

Professor Tincher: Adam, look!

Masked Bagger: Professor, is that who I think it is?

Professor Tincher: Oh yes - The Kroger Devil. He looks slightly different, but that’s him. I’m really glad he can’t see me right now. Of course, he doesn’t know who I am at this point in history anyways.

Masked Bagger: Probably because you don’t exist at this point in history.

Professor Tincher: That’s why, yes.

Kroger Devil: Well, well, what do we have here? A man in a mask fighting a man in some freaky metal armor?

Masked Bagger: You answered your own question, Devil!

Kroger Devil: You don’t get to speak my name, Masky! I want to talk to the man in charge. Give me Kroger!

Barney walks outside.

Barney Kroger: I’m here. What do you want with me?

Kroger Devil: I’m gonna burn this place to the ground. I just want you to know that, and that there’s nothing you can do about it.

An army of little demons appear behind Kroger Devil. Their hands are made of fire and they look anxious.

Professor Tincher: You have to stop this.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know how.

Professor Tincher: Neither do I, but just find a way.

Masked Bagger: You really *are* management.

Barney Kroger: Just hold it right there. No one will harm my building, but even if they do, it won’t change anything. I’ll just rebuild. You can destroy the building but not the spirit of the man or his will to go on.

Kroger Devil: So I have permission to destroy the building?

Barney Kroger: Not quite.

Kroger Devil: Good. I like it better this way. Demons… destroy!

All the little demons run to the building. Masked Bagger runs in front of them and as they try to enter, he kicks them away. This doesn’t stop them. It only slows them down. They are determined to get inside. The 717 Guardian doesn’t stop, either. He keeps on kicking them away from the building.

Barney Kroger: I know who you are, Devil. I was warned about you. I also know that I am the only person who can defeat you.

Barney runs for the Kroger Devil. They roll around on the ground for a little bit, fighting. The little demons are wore out. Masked Bagger looks at Time-Clock and notices that the clock on his chest is counting down from ten. Masked Bagger runs over and jumps on Time-Clock, knocking him down. Once they land, our hero realizes he’s back in 2014. He gets off Time-Clock, who immediately stands up.

Masked Bagger: We’re back! You’re under arrest!

Time-Clock: I don’t think so!

Professor Tincher, no longer a hologram, runs over to the villain.

Professor Tincher: Chuck, how could you betray me? You know why I need the armor. Give it back!

Time-Clock removes his mask, revealing Chuck’s face. He smiles.

Time-Clock: Is it too obvious that I’m gonna say no, or should I not worry about it, and just say no?

Masked Bagger punches the villain in his stomach. This affects the armor and suddenly a time portal opens behind Hardy. He is sucked through, and has no control over where he’s going.

Masked Bagger: What happened?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know, but he’s gone.

Masked Bagger: Will he be back?

Professor Tincher: I don’t know. I hope so. I need that armor.

Masked Bagger: What about the past?

Professor Tincher: Oh, you mean 1883? Well things worked out. Just like in the original timeline, Barney Kroger defeated the Kroger Devil and banished him for a little over 120 years. Which is what I knew would happen. That’s why I wasn’t really worried for you. It wasn’t your job to defeat the Kroger Devil. It was Kroger’s. Although you’ll get your turn with him at some point.

Masked Bagger: (sarcastically) Yay.

CUT TO: Mickey and Katie walk by and spot Adam coming out of the office. They stop to talk to him.

Mickey Tork: Adam, there you are. We haven’t seen you in a couple days. Where’ve you been?

Adam Hauck: Uh, Mr. Tincher wanted me to write an article about the history of Kroger for the Gazette, so I’ve been busy doing the research. Hey, it was either that or bag, ha-ha.

They don’t find it funny since they had to spend the whole time bagging.

Adam Hauck: Mickey, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to Katie alone.

Mickey Tork: Okay.

Mickey walks away.

Katie Collins: What is it?

Adam Hauck: I have to say that, um, you are everything to me. When I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, you will play a prominent role in that flash back. Even though I know I won’t even make the cut in yours.

Katie Collins: Adam, that’s sweet, but you know I’m with Austin.

Adam Hauck: I know. I just want you to know exactly how I feel. If anything ever happens to me, I don’t want to leave this world without you knowing that I love you, Katie Collins, with all my heart.

Katie smiles.

Katie Collins: You’re weird.

Adam knows she doesn’t return the feelings he has for her, and is satisfied - for now at least - with the smile and joking insult. Suddenly, Mickey runs past them.

Mickey Tork: The birds are back!

He runs off. Adam and Katie look at one another.

Katie Collins: You better get to the photo lab and hide.

Adam Hauck: (smiles) It’s what I do.

Adam runs to the photo lab and looks back. Katie walks off in the other direction. This gives him the chance to head up front, where he gets in the bagger’s closet and becomes Masked Bagger. Dressed as the guardian of 717, our hero shouts out…

Masked Bagger: Yippie-Ki-Yay, Mother-Feathers!

He then begins to fight off the giant birds, protecting the people of the store once again.

CUT TO: Since this is a time travel issue, let’s go ahead to Kroger 717 in the future. There is a man standing in front of a few young employees.

Future Man: And THAT is the story of The Masked Bagger.

Employee #1: Is it over? What kind of an ending is that? Did Adam and Katie ever get together? Did the Professor ever find a way to reform all the bad guys? What happened to everybody?

Future Man: They all died. After all, these stories happened over 200 years ago!

Employee #2: Tell us more!

Future Man: You want more stories of The Masked Bagger?

All the Employees at Once: Yes!

Future Man: Okay, but I’m beginning to feel like that guy who spent nine years telling his kids the story of how he met their mother. Let’s see. I have some more adventures to talk about. Some of then include a pop villain, a crazy pharmacist, four of the villains teaming up, and an adventure in the land of Oz. I should let you know that these upcoming stories are… magnificent!

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

Read “The Magnificent Masked Bagger” Coming Soon!

[Adamantium]

On this day six years ago, I released the very first issue of "The Masked Bagger" to a few of my friends and co-workers.