Jarlen Mather, Pizza Delivery (Masked Bagger Spin-Off)

[Adamantium]

Here is where I'll post the first season of the Masked Bagger spin-off, "Jarlen Mather, Pizza Delivery." Jarlen first appeared in "Masked Bagger & Cart-Boy" issue #35. "Deliver Us from Evil." He returned for the two-part Scrominian war issues where he joined the Level Defenders.

Characters in Issue:
Jarlen Mather
Henry Hobart
Tera Mather
Mr. Kramden

[Adamantium]

Guest characters in this issue...

Oswald Smitty
Officer Jones
Chris Ward

[Adamantium]

Issue #1. "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"
Originally released on October 27, 2018

Once upon a time…

It’s 4:30 pm. Jarlen Mather, a pizza delivery guy for Kramden’s Pizza is on the road, working the 9 to 5 shift. He finds the address and pulls into the driveway. 29-year-old Mather steps out, approaches the door and rings the bell. A tall, muscular man named Trent answers.

Jarlen Mather: Good evening - Jarlen Mather, pizza delivery. Your total is $23.50.

The guy hands him a twenty dollar bill along with four ones.

Trent: Here you go. Keep the change.

Jarlen tries not to be negative, not even over a fifty cent tip.

Jarlen Mather: Thank you.

He’s about to hand over the pizzas when he takes a peak inside. He sees a woman who has obviously been crying, with bruises on her arms and a black eye.

Jarlen Mather: Ma’am, are you okay?

Trent: She’s fine. Now give me the pizzas and leave the premises.

Jarlen Mather: I was asking the lady.

Abused Wife: (frightened) I… I’m fine.

Trent: There. You happy? Now give me the pizzas and I want my tip back.

Jarlen Mather: Ma’am, I’m going to get you some help.

Trent: Just give me my damn pizzas and go away!

Jarlen throws the pizzas up in the air and then rams both fists into Trent’s stomach, causing him to fall back just as the deliverer of pizza catches the pies and throws them on him. He also reaches into his pocket and pulls out two quarters and hurls them at Trent’s face.

Jarlen Mather: And THERE’S your change back!

CUT TO: The next day, Jarlen is in Mr. Kramden’s Office.

Mr. Kramden: Are you nuts, Mather!?!

Jarlen Mather: You actually expect me to be in that situation and NOT help the woman?

Mr. Kramden: What situation? There was no situation! You don’t know why that woman was crying, and you don’t know how she got that black eye!

Jarlen Mather: Come on, Mr. Kramden. It was pretty obvious.

Mr. Kramden: Well anyways, you’re not the police!

Jarlen Mather: Well I *do* refer to myself as “Jarlen Mather, P.D.”

Mr. Kramden: Yeah and you gotta stop doing that.

Jarlen Mather: Come on, P.D. You know, “pizza delivery.”

Mr. Kramden: Yes. I comprehend what you’re saying. You still gotta stop.

Jarlen Mather: Look, I don’t regret my decisions. That woman is away from that goon today because of me. I did good.

Mr. Kramden: You interfered where you shouldn’t have and there’s a good chance this Trent fella is gonna sue us. I can’t afford to lose this business. It’s my pride and joy. I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to let you go.

Jarlen Mather: Please, just give me another chance. I won’t do this again.

Mr. Kramden: (sighs) Okay. But I’m moving you to the 6 to 2 shift.

Jarlen Mather: 6 am?

Mr. Kramden: Are we open at 6 am?

Jarlen Mather: Are we open at 2 am?

Mr. Kramden: Our hours are 9 am to 2 am. You’ve only worked here five years. I figured you’d know that by now.

CUT TO: Jarlen enters his apartment. His wife Tera is waiting for him.

Tera Mather: So what happened?

Jarlen Mather: I got reamed by the boss.

Tera Mather: But did he fire you?

Jarlen Mather: No. Um, but you might have preferred he did.

Tera Mather: Why?

Jarlen Mather: I now work the 6 pm to 2am shift.

Tera Mather: Are you kidding? I work 9 to 5. We’ll barely see each other anymore. You have to get your old shift back.

Jarlen Mather: I can’t. That’s over.

Tera Mather: Then quit.

Jarlen Mather: I can’t. We need the money.

Tera Mather: I’m not saying stay jobless. Find someplace else to work.

Jarlen Mather: But I love delivering pizza and I have seniority. And look at everything it’s lead to. I saved the day at Kroger a couple years ago because of this job. I even went to another planet and battled evil because of this job.

Tera Mather: Yeah, I still don’t believe you went to some planet called Scrum.

Jarlen Mather: That’s because I didn’t. I went to Scrom. It’s called Scrom.

Tera Mather: Whatever.

Jarlen Mather: Fine. I’ll look for another job. But my new shift starts tomorrow, so I have to work on a new sleep schedule now.

CUT TO: 8 pm the next day. Jarlen is on a delivery. Sitting on a bench on the sidewalk by the house, is Henry Hobart, a homeless man. When Jarlen heads back to his car, he approaches Henry.

Jarlen Mather: Wait right there, sir.

Jarlen goes to his car and gets out another pizza and a pop. He brings them to Henry.

Jarlen Mather: Here you go.

Henry Hobart: What’s this?

Jarlen Mather: I’m told that on every Thursday, the Carters order three pizzas and every Thursday, the pizza delivery guy has to walk past you to get to them.

Henry Hobart: That’s true.

Jarlen Mather: Well now that I’m on this shift, I’ve decided to make sure you get a pizza of your own. I hope you like pepperoni.

Henry Hobart: I love it. I just… I… I don’t know what to say. I can’t pay for this.

Jarlen Mather: I don’t want your money. I just want to do good in this world. Even a small act like this can go a long way.

Henry Hobart: This is no small act, mister. I thank you. You’re an angel. A true human angel right here on Earth.

Jarlen Mather: I’m no angel. I’m just a guy who delivers pizza and cares. Now enjoy that pizza before it gets cold.

CUT TO: Around 11:30 at night, Jarlen is driving around making more deliveries. It’s surprising to him how popular pizza delivery is in the midnight hours. He sees his next delivery is to a guy named Ward. He gets to the house and rings the bell. Chris Ward opens the door. The two men recognize one another.

Jarlen Mather: Hey, Chris. How’s it going?

Chris Ward: Hi, Jarlen. Things are good. I got married recently.

Jarlen Mather: Congrats, man. Does she know about your double life?

Chris Ward: Oh yeah, but I haven’t been Cart-Boy since the Masked Bagger left this Earth level back in February of ‘17.

Jarlen Mather: Why not?

Chris Ward: It’s not been necessary. Since the demise of the Kroger Devil, there haven’t been any super villains at the store.

Jarlen Mather: Well that’s great. Too bad the same can’t be said for the rest of the world. Just the other day, I got a woman who was being physically abused by her husband away from that creep.

Chris Ward: Good for you.

Jarlen Mather: Yeah. Unfortunately, as a result, I have these new late night hours.

Chris Ward: Be careful. A couple nights ago someone from down the street, on Cooper Road, was murdered around midnight. They never caught the killer.

Jarlen Mather: Do they at least know who it is?

Chris Ward: Nope. Just some random psycho.

Jarlen Mather: Well hey, thanks for the heads up. Here’s your pizza.

Chris Ward: Oh, thanks. I know it’s late for eating pizza but I’m on vacation this week and so I’ve been staying up late with Rachel doing… you know, newlywed stuff. We’re starved and too lazy to make something in the kitchen.

Jarlen Mather: I remember being a newlywed. Those were some great times. Tera was so loving. We were high school sweethearts. Well anyways, I gotta get back to work. That’ll be $14.95.

Chris hands Jarlen a twenty.

Chris Ward: Keep the change.

Jarlen Mather: Thank you.

Chris Ward: Well good to see you again. Have a good one and stay safe.

Jarlen Mather: Thanks. You, too. Bye.

Chris closes the door and Jarlen turns around and begins heading back to his car. Just then he hears someone off at a distance singing “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” loudly to themselves. He thinks it’s a tad weird, but gets in his vehicle and drives off.

CUT TO: Jarlen’s at home, laying down on his couch when Tera comes into the room, holding her cell phone.

Tera Mather: Jarlen, someone was murdered last night on Cullen Drive.

Jarlen Mather: Anyone we know?

Tera Mather: No, but it’s still scary.

Jarlen Mather: I’ll say. I was delivering pizzas on Cullen Drive last night, too. Did it say what time the murder took place?

Tera Mather: Between 11 and midnight.

Jarlen Mather: Okay, I was over there around 11:30. This is starting to freak me out.

Tera Mather: Did you see anything strange?

Jarlen Mather: No. The only strange thing was that there was some creepy guy singing a song. I figured he was just a drunk or something though.

CUT TO: A few nights later, Jarlen is out delivering pizza to a hungry customer. As he’s walking back to his car, he hears someone down the road once again singing “Tiptoe Through the Tulips.”

Jarlen Mather: There’s that drunk again. Although this isn’t Cullen Drive. Dude gets around, I guess.

CUT TO: Jarlen is once again on his couch when Tera comes into the living room.

Tera Mather: Jarlen! There was another murder last night!

Jarlen Mather: (uninterested) That sucks.

Tera Mather: What if it’s the same guy who killed on Cooper Road and Cullen Drive?

Jarlen Mather: Why do you think there’s a connection?

Tera Mather: I just have a feeling. Plus I’ve been watching murder shows lately, so that’s where my mind’s been.

Jarlen Mather: Well where did it happen this time?

Tera Mather: Greene Avenue between 11 and midnight.

Jarlen looks freaked.

Jarlen Mather: I delivered a pizza on Greene Avenue around 11:20, and that singing drunk was there. You might be right. It might be a serial killer!

CUT TO: Jarlen is at the police department, reporting what’s been going on.

Officer Jones: All you have is a “singing drunk”?

Jarlen Mather: I know it’s not much to go on, but it’s something. Maybe he’s not a drunk at all. I just assumed he was drunk. I mean who sings loudly past 11 at night? Either someone who’s inconsiderate or drunk.

Officer Jones: It doesn’t make sense. The killers used a different modus operandi each time. The first victim was stabbed, the second was strangled and the third was bludgeoned.

Jarlen Mather: Okay, well there you go. They’re purposely using a different m.o. each time. Probably so you won’t suspect it’s the same person, and they’re plan is working. And I know you were being fancy by using the term “modus operandi,” but seriously, just say “m.o.”

Officer Jones: Look, you may be right, but you’re starting to piss me off. So we’ll take the information you’ve given us into consideration and have a nice day, Mr. Mather.

CUT TO: Jarlen is out late again delivering pizzas to the hungry citizens of Springfield. As he’s walking back to his car he hears that same man singing loudly again. He looks in the direction of where the voice is coming from but doesn’t see anybody. He gets in his car and drives towards the singer. All of a sudden, there’s silence. Jarlen doesn’t see anybody, but he notices a door to a house is ajar. He pulls in the driveway and gets out. Once on the porch, he slowly opens the door further.

Jarlen Mather: Is anybody home?

No one responds.

Jarlen Mather: Don’t be afraid. I come in peace. I just saw your door was opened and, being a concerned citizen, figured I’d check on you.

There’s still no response. He looks closer and sees what he believes to be a dead body on the floor. He feels around on the wall for a switch and then turns the lights on. Yep. There’s a dead body. Scared, he instantly turns the lights out and calls the police.

CUT TO: Jarlen is at home with Tera.

Jarlen Mather: You were right, babe. It’s the singing guy that’s been doing the killings. I mean I can’t prove that just yet, but it’s gotta be him.

Tera Mather: You realize you don’t have to prove anything. You’re not a cop.

Jarlen Mather: Well no, but I’m in this now. Besides this guy is killing potential customers. So it’s personal.

Tera Mather: I didn’t marry a police officer. I married a pizza delivery guy.

Jarlen Mather: You married a man who likes to help people. I don’t need to be on the police force for that.

Tera Mather: I’m just worried something might happen to you. Please just let the police handle this. Stay out of it.

Jarlen Mather: I, but… well. Okay, fine. I’ll just deliver pizza.

Tera Mather: You promise?

Jarlen Mather: Yeah.

Jarlen doesn’t want to lie to his wife but he also wants to remain involved.

CUT TO: It’s another Thursday night and Jarlen is out to give a pizza and pop to his new homeless friend, Henry Hobart.

Henry Hobart: Thank you again, Jarlen.

Jarlen Mather: You’re Welcome. I’ve gotta say I’m glad to see you’re still here. It’s been scary lately with all those murders.

Henry Hobart: Murders? Where?

Jarlen Mather: All over the city. I believe it’s the same guy.

Henry Hobart: Why do you think that?

Jarlen Mather: Because every night that I hear this strange guy walking down the street, singing loudly, the next day I find out there’s been a murder. Except one night, I was the person who discovered the body. And this was moments after I heard the guy sing.

Henry Hobart: Uh-huh, well. How do you expect me to go to sleep on my favorite bench, knowing there’s a crazed killer on the loose?

Jarlen Mather: I’m sorry. I thought you knew.

Henry Hobart: I don’t have a cell phone with internet access. I don’t read the paper. I don’t watch television. I live a clueless-to-my-surroundings life. I’ve always enjoyed it until now.

Jarlen Mather: Can’t you stay in a shelter until the cops get this guy?

Henry Hobart: Things are a bit weird between one of the women who stays there and me. I don’t want to deal with the drama.

Jarlen Mather: Look, this guy is clearly killing people in their homes.

Henry Hobart: (happy) And I don’t have a home!

Jarlen Mather: Exactly. You’re safe!

Henry Hobart: Now we’re so happy, we do the dance of joy!

Jarlen Mather: Huh?

Henry Hobart: Sorry - ‘80s sitcom reference.

CUT TO: Inside Kramden’s Pizza Parlor. Mr. Kramden spots Jarlen.

Mr. Kramden: Jarlen, I need to talk to you.

Jarlen Mather: What is it, Mr. Kramden? You’re here kind of late.

Mr. Kramden: I’m putting you back on your old shift.

Jarlen Mather: Why?

Mr. Kramden: Because there’s a serial killer on the loose, and it’s just too dangerous to have you delivering pizzas around midnight.

Jarlen Mather: Are you worried about me?

Mr. Kramden: Look, I just don’t want one of my employees being… you know… brutally murdered while on the job.

Jarlen Mather: Yeah but whoever has the late shift is going to have to deal with this threat.

Mr. Kramden: No. You’re the only person fool enough to try and get involved in taking this killer down.

Jarlen Mather: Why is everybody against me capturing a killer?

Mr. Kramden: Because it’s not your job. After tonight’s shift, take the next day off and then return to your old shift. The master has spoken.

Jarlen Mather: Okay, if you want me to stop referring to myself as “Jarlen Mather, P.D.” then I’m gonna have to ask that you stop referring to yourself as “The Master.”

CUT TO: Jarlen returns to Henry Hobart with a pizza and pop around 11 at night.

Henry Hobart: What’s this? It’s not Thursday.

Jarlen Mather: I know, but this is my last night on the late shift, so I thought I’d bring you a pizza tonight.

Henry Hobart: I’m going to miss them. I’ve grown accustomed to the pizzas.

Jarlen Mather: I’ll still get you pizzas every week but it’ll have to be earlier in the day.

Henry Hobart: Oh, okay then. Sounds good.

Jarlen Mather: So have you seen anything strange going on tonight?

Henry Hobart: You mean a musical murderer? No. I haven’t.

Jarlen Mather: Well maybe he won’t strike tonight.

CUT TO: Oswald Smitty, the man who’s been doing all the killings, knocks on a door to a house he sees has lights on inside. He’s got a gun in his jacket pocket as he plans to shoot this victim. A woman in her mid forties, named Jodi Brock, answers the door.

Jodi Brock: Yes?

Oswald Smitty: My car broke down and I’m one of the few people on Earth who doesn’t have a cell phone. I know this is an imposition, and you don’t know me, but could I come in and use your phone? I need to call my wife to let her know I’m okay.

Jodi is uncomfortable at the thought of letting this stranger in, but decides against her better judgment.

Jodi Brock: Okay. Sure. My phone is right in here.

She walks to the phone. Oswald turns around and quietly closes the door and locks it. He then continues following her.

CUT TO: Jarlen and Henry are still chatting.

Jarlen Mather: Listen, I have one more pizza to deliver. It’s just down the road here. But I’ll be back and we can chat some more.

Henry Hobart: Sounds good.

Jarlen decides to walk the pizza to its destination. It’s just a few houses down from where Henry is sitting, eating his food. Jarlen knocks on the door. Jodi is tied up and gagged. She’s scared for her life as Oswald has his gun aimed at her. The knock at the door frightens him.

Oswald Smitty: Who’d be knocking on your door at this hour?

Jodi is unable to speak with her mouth gagged. Suddenly they both hear…

Jarlen Mather: Jodi Brock? I’m here with your pizza.

Oswald guides Jodi down the hall into another room.

Oswald Smitty: You stay here and don’t make any noise or the pizza guy gets it, too.

Oswald heads over to - and opens - the front door.

Oswald Smitty: It smells delicious. How much do I owe you?

Jarlen Mather: You’re not Jodi Brock.

Oswald Smitty: No, I’m not. You’re very perceptive. I’m Jodi’s brother. I’m visiting from out of town.

Jarlen Mather: Really? Because Jodi told me she was the sole survivor of her immediate family. You see, I take the time to get to know the people in these neighborhoods as I deliver pizza to them.

Oswald Smitty: I don’t know what to tell you, bub. She lied to you to gain your sympathy, I guess. I’m her brother.

Jarlen Mather: (hollers) Jodi, are you okay?

Oswald takes out his gun and presses it against Jarlen’s stomach.

Oswald Smitty: She’s fine. You, on the other hand, are in a world of trouble.

Jarlen Mather: Sing for me.

Oswald Smitty: Huh?

Jarlen Mather: Just sing.

Oswald starts to quietly sing his trademark song.

Oswald Smitty: ♪ Tiptoe to my window. By my window, that is where I’ll be. Come tiptoe through the tulips with me. ♪

Jarlen Mather: Is she alive?

Oswald Smitty: At the moment.

Jarlen punches Oswald in the face, knocking him down to the floor, and runs into the house, searching for Jodi.

Oswald Smitty: You son of a bitch!

Jarlen finds Jodi and immediately opens a window. He picks her up and puts her through it to hide her from the psychotic killer. She lands safely outside before Oswald barges into the room and shoots at Jarlen. He misses. Jarlen runs towards the gunman… and right past him. Oswald takes another shot and again misses his live target. Hearing some commotion, Henry looks over and sees Jarlen running towards him. He’s confused.

Jarlen Mather: (yelling) Henry! Get in my car! Now!

Henry goes over to the vehicle, but it’s locked.

Henry Hobart: Door’s locked!

Jarlen Mather: Crap!

There’s another gunshot as Oswald attempts to kill the pizza delivery guy, though he misses yet again. Jarlen takes out his keys and throws them at Henry.

Jarlen Mather: Get in the passenger seat and start the engine!

The keys, however, land under the car and Henry can’t get them.

Henry Hobart: This’ll take a minute!

Jarlen Mather: New plan…. RUN!!!!

Now both Jarlen and Henry are running away from Oswald, who begins singing his song while he’s chasing after them.

Henry Hobart: Wait!

Henry and Jarlen suddenly stop.

Jarlen Mather: What?

Henry Hobart: I just found a quarter on the ground.

He bends over and picks it up and puts it in his breast pocket. They continue running.

Henry Hobart: So I think I know who the killer is!

Jarlen Mather: Who?

Henry Hobart: The guy shooting at us!

Jarlen Mather: That would be MY guess, too!

The guys cut through people’s yards, trying to lose this guy, which for a moment they do. The two stop to catch their breath.

Henry Hobart: So what’s the plan? Are we going to run away from this guy or catch him?

Jarlen Mather: You’re right. We can’t let him get away. I happen to know a police officer lives down the road. Let’s head to his house and lead the singing killer right to a cop.

They both start running again, and sure enough Oswald spots them and continues chasing. He shoots a few more times and misses. Clearly using a gun isn’t his best method for killing. Jarlen and Henry end up at the police officer’s house and get on his porch and begin knocking on the door. There’s no response.

Jarlen Mather: Uh-oh. He’s almost here!

Oswald gets to the house and points his gun at the duo.

Oswald Smitty: End of the line. And not a moment too soon. I’m exhausted.

Oswald shoots Henry in the chest. He goes down.

Jarlen Mather: No!

Oswald Smitty: And now to do to you what I did to your hobo friend.

Jarlen Mather: Not to mention all those others you killed recently.

Oswald Smitty: How did you know it was me? I used different methods each time. Quite clever, if I do say so myself.

Jarlen Mather: I was outside almost every night you killed someone. I’d hear you singing that stupid “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” song. What’s up with that?

Oswald Smitty: I just really love that song - big Tiny Tim fan - and killing brings me such joy. I love belting it out after a good murder.

Jarlen Mather: You’re psychotic.

Oswald Smitty: And?

Jarlen Mather: Well, I…

Oswald Smitty: I’m going to shoot you, and if you don’t die in thirty minutes or less, your killing is free.

Jarlen Mather: I get that you’re referencing pizza delivery but it really doesn’t make much sense in this case.

Oswald Smitty: I’m psychotic. What do I care?

Just as Oswald is about to pull the trigger, the front door busts open and the police officer has a gun of his own.

Officer Jones: Drop your weapon! I heard the whole conversation! You, sir, are under arrest for countless murders in Springfield!

The killer drops his gun and raises his hands. Jarlen tends to Henry.

Jarlen Mather: Henry! I’m so sorry I got you involved in this. I’m going to call 911.

Henry Hobart: Wait a second. That hurt like Hell, but I think I’m going to be okay.

Jarlen Mather: What makes you say that?

Henry pulls out the quarter from his breast pocket, the one he slipped in
there during the chase.

Henry Hobart: He shot my quarter.

Jarlen begins to laugh out of relief and then helps Henry up to his feet. The two men watch Officer Jones cuff Oswald.

CUT TO: Jarlen is at home, telling Tera about what had happened.

Jarlen Mather: So everything worked out. I helped catch the serial killer. Henry survived being shot, thanks to a quarter in his pocket, and Kramden put me back on my old shift. I feel good.

Tera Mather: (angry) What I’m hearing is that you broke your promise to me, to not get involved.

Jarlen Mather: Well, uh, I mean. I didn’t seek the guy out. He was at the house I was delivering to. Are you mad?

Tera Mather: Yup.

She gets up and walks into the other room.

Jarlen Mather: Let’s get married, she said. It’ll be nothing but joyful bliss, she said.

CUT TO: Jarlen gets on the porch of a customer and rings the bell. A Man comes up and opens the door.

Jarlen Mather: Hi. Jarlen Mather, pizza delivery.

Jarlen looks behind the man and sees a frightened young lady. She mouths the words “help me.”

Jarlen Mather: Here we go again.

Jarlen drops the pizza as he rams both fists into the male customer’s stomach.

The End … For This Issue!