The Magnificent Masked Bagger (issues 11 - 20) + Bonus Banta Bowler Story

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #17. The Freaky Four

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton alias Retail-Red

Guest Starring:
Pineapple-Man [pictured below]
The Powder
Salt-Man [pictured below]
Big K

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #17. The Freaky Four

Originally Released on December 16th, 2014

It’s About To Get Freaky All Up In Here…

It’s a cold December morning. Adam is quite happy seeing as it’s his birthday. He goes into the manager’s office and finds a surprise. Professor Tincher, Katie, Ben, Mindy and Bernie are all there.

Adam Hauck: What’s going on here?

Katie Collins: It’s your birthday, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: You guys remembered?

Bernie Boswell: After Mister Tincher told all of us this morning, of course we remembered.

Ben Davis: We all got together to get you a present.

Adam Hauck: Cool. What is it?

Ben Davis: No, we all got together with the *intention* of getting you a present, but we couldn’t decide on anything. So instead we’re throwing you this birthday huddle.

Mindy Dalton: I hope you like it, Adam.

Adam Hauck: (insincere) Of course I do.

Professor Tincher: Well this has been fun but everyone needs to get back to work. This is, after all, December and the store’s very busy.

Bernie Boswell: What about the cake?

Professor Tincher: You can each come back here on your break and get some. Now I’m sorry but party over.

Katie, Ben, Mindy and a sad Bernie all leave the office.

Professor Tincher: Sorry, Adam. This was supposed to be a longer party but there’s no time for it. You know about the escaped villains, well they were spotted earlier. A pineapple was hurled at the bell ringer outside.

Adam Hauck: Is that a crime? I mean the reason for the bell ringers collecting money is a good one, but dang that constant ringing gets on my nerves.

Professor Tincher: You’re missing the point. The point is we finally have a lead on finding them. Suit up and search the store for this Freaky Four.

Adam Hauck: Will do… after a piece of that cake.

CUT TO: The Freaky Four’s lair, which is located in Powder’s former hideout, up the stairs by the exit to the roof. Standing around are Pineapple-Man, The Powder, Salt-Man and Big K.

Pineapple-Man: We will do many things as The Freaky Four but first thing’s first. We must combine our forces in order to kill Masked Bagger. Once he’s out of the picture, we’ll take care of Tincher and then… the store!

Salt-Man: (to Powder) Looks like me and you are teaming up again!

The Powder: We didn’t team up the first time. That was a coincidence.

Salt-Man: I don’t believe in coincidence. It was meant to be.

The Powder: Shut up or I’ll powder you right now!

Big K: (laughs) Is that a euphemism for something, Powder?

The Powder: You shut up, too! I don’t know why I agreed to this.

Pineapple-Man: Because only members of our little foursome would be able to escape Tincher’s prison.

The Powder: Oh yeah. That’s why.

Big K: Okay, Piney. So what’s our plan on how to kill the Masked Moron?

Pineapple-Man: The key is Powder. We have to hold Bagger down while Powder gets his poison Spill Magic on the hero.

The Powder: Um, I don’t know if you’ve heard but my powder doesn’t kill. It simply turns someone into an evil zombie. Of course that process can take years. Before then, they vanish for a year or more and then reappear as a zombie.

Pineapple-Man: Even better. We get rid of him for a while and when he returns he’ll be what he hates - a mindless, evil being.

Salt-Man: Then I’ll run through him, and all his powder particles will separate, and we catch all of those little tiny grains of powder and put each one in their own teeny, tiny jar. So he can never reassemble himself again. Brilliant, if I do say so myself.

The other three villains look at Salt-Man with a blank expression.

The Powder: That is WAY too complicated, Salts. We would need billions of little jars, and where the heck would we store them? You’re the muscles of the group. Don’t try using your brain. You’re not good at it.

Big K: Besides, I don’t want Masked Bagger gone for a while. I want him dead! We need a plan to end his existence now.

CUT TO: Bernie is walking through the store. He’s suddenly approached by an old high school friend, Paul.

Paul: Bernie? Is that you?

Bernie Boswell: Who wants to know? Wait, Paul?

Paul: Yep.

Bernie Boswell: Oh man, how long has it been?

Paul: About four years. Wow, you’ve really let yourself go.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah, and it was a lot of fun, too.

Paul: I’ll bet. I work out all the time. Gotta stay fit for the ladies. Still a bachelor, you know.

Bernie Boswell: Really? I’m not. I’m in a committed relationship right now. Her name is Jean Patterson. She makes me so happy.

Paul: Well hey, that’s great. So you work here, I take it?

Bernie Boswell: Yep. In my second year. What about you?

Paul: I’m in med school. I’m gonna be a doctor and save lives. It was always my dream to help others. Well listen, I gotta go. I have a hectic schedule. But it was nice seeing you again.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah, maybe we could become Facebook friends.

Paul: Well now you’re getting kind of clingy, but send me a friend request and I’ll see about accepting it.

Bernie Boswell: Hey, thanks.

Paul walks away. Bernie begins to feel sad. He realizes that he’s always wanted to help people, too. He doesn’t have what it takes to be a doctor. A superhero maybe? There were no radioactive rays anywhere around to transform him. Besides, Kroger already has a superhero - The Masked Bagger. Bernie gets an idea and snaps his fingers.

Bernie Boswell: Masked Bagger could have a sidekick!

He runs off to start creating his new persona.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is searching the store for the four evil foes. Suddenly, while in the back dock, Big K marches straight up to our hero.

Masked Bagger: Big K! What’s this?

Big K: (in his best The Count impression) One super villain, ah-ah-ah.

The Powder arrives.

The Powder: Two super villains, ah-ah-ah.

Salt-Man arrives.

Salt-Man: Three super villains, ah-ah-ah.

Pineapple-Man joins them.

Pineapple-Man: Four super villains, ah-ah-ah.

Masked Bagger: I don’t know what’s worse - having to fight all four of you at once, or having to hear your terrible impressions of a “Sesame Street” character. Besides, I already knew the four of you escaped. I saw your open cell doors.

Pineapple-Man: I knew we should have closed those doors but Salt-Man here thought it would be more dramatic to leave them open.

Salt-Man: And I stand by that thought.

Masked Bagger: So let’s see. I have a fruit villain, a Spill Magic villain, a bag of salt villain and a pop villain.

Big K: I prefer “soda villain.”

Masked Bagger: It’s called pop.

Big K: Not this again! It’s soda.

Masked Bagger: No, pop.

Big K: No, soda.

Masked Bagger: Pop!

Big K: Soda!

Masked Bagger: Pop!

Big K: Soda!

Masked Bagger: Pop!

Big K: Soda!

Masked Bagger: Soda!

Big K: Pop!

Masked Bagger: Okay. You’re right. It’s pop.

Our hero then punches Big K in the face. He goes down.

Masked Bagger: Thanks, Bugs Bunny!

Just as Masked Bagger is about to use his bag-gun on the pop villain, a pineapple flies over and knocks it out of his hand.

Pineapple-Man: Not so fast, Bagger. You are about to meet your demise.

Masked Bagger: No, thanks. We already met.

Salt-Man rams into our hero, knocking him down.

CUT TO: Bernie is in the dog food aisle.

Bernie Boswell: My training begins.

He lays on the floor and lifts a fifty pound bag of dog food, and begins to bench press it. This, while customers are walking around him doing their shopping.

Bernie Boswell: Excuse me, miss. Could you add another 50lb bag of dog food? I’m working out.

She obliges and then walks away. After lifting it three times, he’s exhausted.

Bernie Boswell: That’s good for now. I don’t need to over do it.

Ben walks by.

Ben Davis: Did you get your job here as part of some program to hire lunatics?

Bernie Boswell: What? No.

Ben Davis: What are you doing?

Bernie can’t say or it will give away his upcoming secret identity.

Bernie Boswell: Wouldn’t *you* like to know?

Ben Davis: Eh, no. I think it’s best if I don’t know any more about you and the strange things you do.

Bernie Boswell: You’re probably right.

CUT TO: Mindy enters Tincher’s office. He’s sitting at his desk.

Mindy Dalton: You wanted to see me?

Professor Tincher: Yes. I sent Masked Bagger to find the Freaky Four and that was a couple of hours ago. He hasn’t returned.

Mindy Dalton: You want Retail-Red to continue the search?

Professor Tincher: And rescue Bagger, if need be.

Mindy Dalton: On it. It’ll feel good to put on my costume again. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve been needed.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is tied up by duct tape at the top of the stairs to the villain’s hideout. There is a huge clear container filled with orange soda, some chopped up pineapples, a few salt pellets and some absorbent powder. The Freaky Four are standing by.

Pineapple-Man: Listen up, Bagger. Here’s what’s going down. We’re going to dump you inside this large container of soda, pineapples, salt and powder - we all get represented in your death - and snap the lid shut. You’ll be trapped and pretty soon, you’ll drown.

Masked Bagger: I can hold my breath for thirty-five minutes. By that time someone is bound to find and rescue me.

Big K: You can’t hold your breath that long!

Masked Bagger: You called my bluff, but you guys shouldn’t do this! It’s not nice to kill people. Powder, think of how upset your dad will be when he finds out. Someone’s in for a spanking!

The Powder: Dump him, Salts!

Salt-Man picks up our handsome hero and throws him in the container of pop. He puts the lid on and snaps it shut. Masked Bagger watches as the four villains look at him and laugh. This is it. This is the end. Trapped, Adam’s life flashes before his eyes. The funny thing is, most of his memories are from his time at 717 as its guardian, and of his friends: Professor Tincher, Katie Collins, Bernie Boswell, Mindy Dalton, Ben Davis, Hailie Morgan and even the former Mickey Tork. Being The Masked Bagger has been the most meaningful thing in his life and it was all about to end in this tragedy. Adam thought things were bad when he was up in the bird’s nest back in February of 2013, but this is so much worse. He can’t move his arms because of the duct tape. He can’t do anything but close his eyes and continue thinking about the wonderful life he’s had. Suddenly, Retail-Red walks down the back hallway, looks up and sees this. She gets her scan-gun and aims it at the container. The laser beam hits it and it breaks. The pop pours out and Masked Bagger rides the wave down the stairs. The Freaky Four are furious and a little frightened.

The Powder: Oh, it’s HER again!

Pineapple-Man: Who is she?

The Powder: The Masked Bagger’s girlfriend, I think. The name’s Retail-Red. I know some guys enjoy getting slapped around by a woman, but I doubt any of us are into that, so let’s split!

Salt-Man: I can take her!

The big bulky Salt-Man walks down the stairs. By this point, Retail-Red has cut Masked Bagger free, but he’s mentally out of it at the moment, so she’s going to have to face the villain alone, but she’s not scared. She aims her scan-gun at the bully. He’s not phased. She shoots a laser beam at him. It hits him in the chest but it has no affect.

Salt-Man: I had my chest coated with a special protective lotion. Seems to do the trick. Go ahead. Hit me again.

Retail-Red: You got it.

Retail-Red blasts Salt-Man with another laser beam. This time, she hits him in his face, causing him to cover it with his hands. Red takes this opportunity to grab Bagger’s bag-gun and she aims it at Salt-Man, but he senses it and grabs her hands, slowly turning it on her. It goes off and Retail-Red is bagged. Salt-Man laughs and throws down the bag-gun.

Salt-Man: You got me in the face but I got you in your body! I win.

He then picks up the bag and hurls it down the hallway. Afraid of what kind of harm she’ll endure when she lands on the concrete floor, Masked Bagger gets up, grabs the bag-gun and runs over to her. He changes the setting and shoots a bag out at her. It wraps around the bag she’s already in. This setting makes the bag float down as if it were light as a feather. Our hero catches her and begins to cut her out of the bags. She’s all hot and sweaty from being double bagged.

Masked Bagger: Did you wanna come out of there or would you like some company? I could probably squeeze in.

Retail-Red: I want out!

Masked Bagger: Darn. Okay. Let’s get back to the basement. Maybe the Professor has some ideas for us.

CUT TO: On his lunch break, Bernie has rushed home and is putting together a costume. He’s wearing black tights with his underwear on the outside, a blue skin-tight shirt, a red cape, a Kroger cap and finally a mask, which is designed to look like a nametag, with the word “KID” on it.

Bernie Boswell: This is my destiny! I am The Kroger Kid!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Retail-Red go into the basement lab where Professor Tincher is sitting at the computer.

Professor Tincher: Adam, are you okay?

Our hero goes right over to Tincher and puts his arms around him. This freaks the Professor out a bit.

Professor Tincher: So you’re *not* okay?

Masked Bagger: I’m fine now but during the encounter with the Freaky Four, my life flashed before my eyes. I just have to tell you that you’re my best friend. Thanks for all you do.

Professor Tincher: You’re welcome. It’s nice to be appreciated. You’re my best friend, too.

Retail-Red: Can we cut this love fest and devise a plan to defeat these guys? Bagger, you seem to struggle fighting just one baddie. Now you’re facing four.

Masked Bagger: I’m aware of the situation and maybe I’m not as seasoned a superhero as I’d like to be quite yet, but we got this in the bag. Pun… intended!

CUT TO: Katie and Ben are in the break room.

Ben Davis: So, Katie. You and I don’t seem to talk that much, I think we should. We are the top two baggers, after all.

Katie Collins: What about Adam?

Ben Davis: He’s always wandering off. It’s a wonder he keeps his job.

Katie Collins: Yeah. He’s always been like that. I think he’s tight with Mr. Tincher, though. So he never seems to get in trouble.

Ben Davis: Yeah, that’s curious. It’s a strange work environment with all these super villains on the loose, huh?

Katie Collins: Yeah, but it’s been going on for two years now. So I’m used to it.

Ben Davis: This store and all the experiences here will make a great movie. I’m actually going to write one. Of course, I’ll have to create fictional characters since I don’t know who Masked Bagger really is.

Katie Collins: I know who he really is.

Ben Davis: What? Who is he?

Katie Collins: Well he doesn’t know I know but it’s Jeremy Jordan.

Ben Davis: I don’t think I know him.

Katie Collins: That’s because he’s never around anymore because he’s always in his Masked Bagger costume.

Little does Katie know Jeremy quit working at Kroger five months prior.

CUT TO: Bernie is back in the store and he’s wearing his Kroger outfit over his sidekick clothes. He’s feeling pretty good about himself as he decides to do some patrolling around the aisles. He hears a woman scream. He looks over and sees a thug stealing her purse. Bernie ducks into the men’s room, removes his regular clothes, puts on his mask and runs over to the scene of the crime, dressed as Kroger Kid. However, by the time he arrives, the mugging is over.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: Darn it. I need to figure out a way to change clothes quicker. Oh well. Typical rookie mistake. I’m sure this woman will understand.

He walks over to the lady.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: Are you alright, ma’am?

Woman: No, I’m not alright. Someone just came and stole my purse. No one tried to help me. I am very upset right now.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: I’m sorry. I saw the mugging take place as my secret identity and ran to change clothes, but apparently I took too long. I’m sure you understand.

Woman: No I don’t understand. Why did you have to wear a silly costume at all? As an employee or even a decent human being, you should have come to my rescue and not be worried about doing it as a superhero. Shame on you!

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: You’re right. I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?

Woman: No.

She walks away. Bernie feels very small.

Bernie “Kroger Kid” Boswell: This is a learning experience. That’s all.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Masked Bagger and Retail-Red are training together.

Masked Bagger: You are so skilled, Red. You’re amazing.

Retail-Red: Thanks, Bagger. You’re… well, you get lucky a lot.

Masked Bagger: That’s part of *my* skill.

Retail-Red: Just so you know what I mean by “lucky.” I’m referring to the fact that you’re not the greatest fighter but you somehow manage to survive and win the fights.

Masked Bagger: I knew what you meant. You didn’t need to clarify.

Retail-Red: I’m going to teach you a skill. It’s called the Tornado Kick.

Masked Bagger: I’ve already seen that on “Power Rangers.”

Retail-Red: So you can do it?

Masked Bagger: No, but I know what it is.

Retail-Red: Not good enough. You need to know how to do it.

She performs the Tornado Kick and lands wrong. She falls to the floor in pain. Bagger rushes to her side.

Masked Bagger: What’s wrong, Red?

Retail-Red: I sprained my ankle.

Masked Bagger: Let me get some ice.

Retail-Red: This means I won’t be able to help you battle the Freaky Four.

Masked Bagger: What?

Retail-Red: You’re gonna have to go it alone.

Masked Bagger: Story of my life.

CUT TO: The Kroger Kid is looking for action. He spots Big K and approaches him. Before the pop villain sees the newest hero, Pineapple-Man, Salt-Man and Powder come into view. Bernie looks them over and realizes one thing - he’s in WAY over his head. Maybe being a superhero was a bad idea. He runs off, quickly changing back into his Bernie clothes and vows never to be The Kroger Kid again.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger walks to one of the frozen food aisles. All four villains are standing there, waiting for him.

Pineapple-Man: You made it, Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Of course. It’s my job to rid this store of garbage! Ugh, I just had a flashback to fighting Trash Beast in the dumpster. That was a gross point in my life.

The Powder: You’ve fought a lot of bad guys in your brief time at the store. Besides us there’s Meat-Man, Cartastrophe and Phil the Pharmacist, to name a few. But this is the end of your story.

Salt-Man: Your last stand.

The Powder: Salts, don’t interrupt me, buddy.

Salt-Man: Sorry.

The Powder: (to Masked Bagger) This is your Battle of the Little Bighorn. This is your Alamo. This is your end of that movie where the hero dies in the final battle.

Masked Bagger: Ooh, spoilers!

The Powder: You don’t even know what movie I’m referring to! I can’t remember the title right now.

Masked Bagger: Still, you were giving me spoilers to a movie I *may* end up seeing one of these days.

The Powder: It won’t matter. You won’t be leaving this aisle alive.

Pineapple-Man: This is a glorious day.

Big K: Enough chit-chat. It’s time to kill him!

Pineapple-Man: I’ll do the honors.

The Powder: Oh Bagger will be killed alright, Piney, but by ME!

Salt-Man: Hold up a second. I plan to be the one to kill this masked do-gooder!

Big K: No. I’m gonna kill Masked Bagger. He foolishly calls soda “pop.”

Pineapple-Man: Shut it, Pop-Boy. I’m going to kill the Bagger.

The Powder: I am!

Salt-Man: No, *I* am!

Masked Bagger: Stop fighting, everybody! You can ALL kill me! Wait, what am I saying? Let’s all talk this thing through.

Salt-Man: The time for talkin’ is over.

Big K sprays red pop in Masked Bagger’s face. It’s quickly followed by a pineapple. It hurts but our hero doesn’t show it. He shoots out his cart strap and twirls it in the air a few times before smacking Salt-Man in the face with it. The Morton villain laughs for a moment and then rams our hero, who flies in the air before slamming into a freezer door, breaking it. Powder steps in front of him and extends his arms.

The Powder: This may not work because you probably have that sunscreen on but I’ll hate myself if I don’t try it.

Powder shoots the poisonous Spill Magic all over our precious hero. It has no affect as Masked Bagger really *is* wearing the protective sunscreen. Little does Powder know that if he consumes lots of sour kraut, it’ll turn his Spill Magic deadly, which would eat right through the sunscreen and kill the 717 Guardian. But we’re not telling him!

Masked Bagger: Nice try, Powder. Feeling a little blue that you didn’t phase me?

The Powder: No. There’s three other guys here. One of us will certainly end your life.

Masked Bagger: (teasing) But alas, it shan’t be you.

The Powder: Shut up!

Masked Bagger: Make me.

Our hero stands up. Powder takes a swing. Masked Bagger ducks and then punches the blue villain in the face. The other three baddies come over. Bagger shoots out a cart strap and the metal part hits Pineapple-Man in the eye. The 717 Guardian then grabs his arm and swings him, before letting go and watches as the produce pariah smacks head first into a frozen food door. On a roll, our hero grabs a plastic bag from his pocket and places it over Big K’s face. Since the villain can’t see anything, Masked Bagger punches him in the stomach. Salt-Man once again goes to ram the Guardian. However, he misses, slips on a wet spot on the floor, and lands on his butt. The four villains are pissed. They line up and start walking towards Masked Bagger, who gets out a walkie-talkie.

Masked Bagger: (into the walkie-talkie) Now, Professor!

Suddenly the lights go out in the whole store. This doesn’t stop the fight from going on. Loud thuds are heard as punching and kicking happens. When the lights go back on, all four villains are laying on the floor, knocked out. Masked Bagger is standing on top of the freezer. As soon as the blackout occurred, he had made his way up there, leaving the Freaky Four to fight each other, all under the impression they were in a battle with the 717 Guardian. Masked Bagger gets out his bag-gun and shoots each of them. Tincher transfers them to the basement.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Professor Tincher, Masked Bagger and Retail-Red are down there.

Professor Tincher: Everyone has been returned to their cells. Well done, Masked Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Thanks, Professor. Pretty smart of me to have you shut off the power in the store, if I do say so myself.

Retail-Red: You’re improving, Bags. Pretty soon, I won’t be needed.

Masked Bagger: Nonsense. You’ll always be needed to wear that tight-fitting costume. It’s what keeps me going.

Professor Tincher: Listen, I don’t want any sexual harassment charges filed from one store superhero to another. Are you mad, Red?

Retail-Red: Of course not. It’s all part of his charm. It’s charming because he’s so harmless. All you can do is laugh at him.

Masked Bagger: Harmless? Professor did you hear that?

Professor Tincher: I did. What are you going to do about it?

Masked Bagger: I’ll tell you. I filled out a form, nominating Mindy for Employee of the Month, but now I’m going to tear that piece of paper up and throw it in the garbage. I know this stings, Red, but you had that coming, and no “harmless” guy would take such actions!

He walks away. Tincher and Red look at one another and smile.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #18. Christmas at 717

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton

Guest Starring:
The Nutkroger [pictured below]
Thomas Bowshier [pictured below]
Christmas Genie [pictured below]
Hailie Hauck

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #18. Christmas at 717

Originally Released on December 19th, 2014

And Now The Issue…

It’s Christmas Eve at 717, and Adam walks into Professor Tincher’s office to discuss gift-giving. When he enters, Adam notices how depressed Tincher looks.

Adam Hauck: Hey Professor. You look sad. What’s wrong?

Professor Tincher: Christmas always makes me a little sad. I’m reminded of the family I no longer have - Brooke and Bailey.

Adam Hauck: You can still spend the holidays with Bailey.

Professor Tincher: Adam, the Bailey I knew is gone. Now he’s The Powder, one of your top super villains. I mean, it’s comforting to have him in our prison, but it’s certainly not the same.

Adam Hauck: If you want, you can come over to my house. I’m going to have a marathon of a bunch of Christmas episodes from old black and white TV shows. I’m calling it “I’m Dreaming of a Black and White Christmas.”

Professor Tincher: Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll probably just stay here and mope… like I do every year.

Adam Hauck: I wish you wouldn’t.

Professor Tincher: Sorry. I can’t control it. It’s predestined. The moment Brooke died, it set in motion that I will never have a happy holiday again.

Adam Hauck: Um, this may seem silly now, but I came in here to ask you what kind of a gift you wanted.

Professor Tincher: Don’t spend your money on me. You have car payments to make and if I know you, you’re going to be buying gifts for your so-called “Adam’s Angels.”

Adam Hauck: Yep, Katie, Mindy and Hailie. I’ve been shopping all week for them. It’s fun. I can’t wait to see their smiling faces when they open their presents. I might even receive a hug from each of them. I love the holidays.

Professor Tincher: That’s nice.

Adam Hauck: And although it’s not why I do it, each of them has promised to get me a gift in return. I also love getting presents. Regardless of what it is, it’s just knowing that they think enough of me to go out of their way to get me something. Makes me feel special. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Professor Tincher: You realize by uttering those words, you’re now in for quite a crappy holiday.

Adam Hauck: We shall see how this day goes.

CUT TO: Up front. Ben is bagging. Bernie enters the store and goes over to Ben.

Bernie Boswell: I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Ben Davis: (smiles) That sucks.

Bernie Boswell: Yeah. Dad saw it, too. He’s pissed.

Ben Davis: Wait, for real?

Bernie Boswell: Oh yeah. We were at the mall for my niece and apparently Santa was my mom’s high school sweetheart.

Ben Davis: Whoa. Next you’re gonna tell me your grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Bernie Boswell: (upset) Would that amuse you - my grandma in a hospital bed with hoof prints all up and down her fragile body, fighting for her life?

Tincher enters.

Professor Tincher: Bernie, I’m here to tell you that you’ll be the Kroger Santa Claus. Congrats.

He walks off.

Bernie Boswell: Yes! Just what I was hoping for. This is a Christmas miracle. Gosh, I hope my mom doesn’t come to the store and try to kiss *me* full on the mouth.

Ben Davis: I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope not, too.

CUT TO: Thomas Bowshier, the non-foods department head is straightening up the promo aisle. He has a huge selection of nutcrackers. Unfortunately, one is broken, so he takes it to the back. While in the back room, he places it in the damaged section, but then gives it one final look. The nutcracker’s eyes suddenly become visually stunning. Thomas looks into them. A strange occurrence happens. Thomas’ entire body - including his clothes - hardens. He is now entirely a wooden nutcracker, and he’s evil. He is now The Nutkroger!

The NutKroger: Yes. I like this.

A bagger (not THE Bagger) walks into the back room and sees a human sized nutcracker. This peaks his curiosity.

Employee: Whoa, what’s this?

The Nutkroger: Call me The Nutkroger!

The wooden villain grabs the co-worker’s hand and puts it in his mouth, then bites down, breaking the hand. The person screams (obviously) before being let go.

The Nutkroger: I’m sorry but you won’t be bagging *this* holiday season.

As the employee is writhing in pain on the floor, The Nutkroger marches on to find his next victim.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is making his holiday rounds, walking around the store and shaking customer’s hands. He goes into the promo aisle and picks up what looks to be a genie’s lamp off the shelf.

Masked Bagger: This would be a great additional gift for Katie.

He rubs the lamp and smoke shoots out. Soon thereafter, a red and green genie appears. He looks at Masked Bagger.

Christmas Genie: Hello, Master. This Christmas you get one wish. What will it be?

Masked Bagger: Is this a joke?

Christmas Genie: It is not a joke. What is your wish?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know. I have to think about this for a while.

Christmas Genie: I should let you know there are some stipulations. You cannot wish for more wishes. You cannot wish for someone to return from the dead, and you cannot wish for somebody to fall in love with you.

Masked Bagger: So just like in “Aladdin”?

Christmas Genie: I guess. I never saw that movie.

Masked Bagger: You never saw “Aladdin”? Where have you been?

Christmas Genie: Either inside my lamp, or granting wishes for people. Which reminds me. Make a wish.

Masked Bagger: Let’s see, I guess the best wish would be for like over a billion dollars or something, right? Then I could buy stuff with that money. Of course, I’ve always wanted x-ray vision, and all the money in the world couldn’t buy that. I’d also like for all of the TV episodes from the 1940s and ‘50s that have been lost, to be found and released on DVD. But money can only fund a search. It can’t bring back what’s destroyed. I’m gonna have to think about this.

Christmas Genie: I am the Christmas Genie. So you have until the end of today’s shift to figure something out. I’ll be around.

He vanishes.

Masked Bagger: I’ve gotta tell the Professor about this!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters the basement lab. He sees Tincher sitting down with a kind of smile on his face.

Masked Bagger: What are you thinking about, Professor?

Professor Tincher: I was just remembering the best Christmas I ever had. The year was 1996. Brooke and I were spending our first holiday season together as a married couple. Bailey was six-years-old and my older sister, Meghan, spent the week with us.

Masked Bagger: I didn’t know you have a sister.

Professor Tincher: She died several years ago from cancer.

Masked Bagger: Oh. I’m sorry.

Professor Tincher: Anyways, Brooke and I got Bailey his very first bike that day. Of course the ground was covered in snow, so it would be a few months before he could ride it, but seeing the look on his face when he opened his present was just the greatest thing ever. That was also the first time he called me “Dad.” Those are moments that stay with you for the long haul.

Masked Bagger: I’ll bet.

Professor Tincher: We were a happy family then. Why did things have to go so tragically wrong for us?

Masked Bagger: I don’t know.

Suddenly, there’s a page on the intercom.

Intercom Voice: Masked Bagger to the promo aisle! Masked Bagger to the promo aisle!

Masked Bagger: Are you gonna be okay?

Professor Tincher: Yes. Don’t worry about me.

Masked Bagger: Then I have to go to work. I’ll see you in a little bit.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger makes his way to the promo aisle. He finds The Nutkroger standing there.

Masked Bagger: And who are you?

The Nutkroger: The Nutkroger.

Masked Bagger: I know this is a silly question, but I don’t suppose you’re one of the good guys, are you?

The Nutkroger: I WOOD not be.

The wooden villain punches our precious hero in the face. He goes down. Masked Bagger takes out his bag-gun and aims it at Nutkroger, who quickly kicks it out of his hand, breaking it.

The Nutkroger: I’m afraid you will have to be punished for your naughty act against me.

Masked Bagger: You’re not gonna tell Santa Claus on me, are you?

The Nutkroger: Don’t be ridiculous. I’m going to break your hand.

Masked Bagger: What?

The Nutkroger lifts our hero up with one hand, grabs Bagger’s right hand, and places it in his mouth, gripping it tight enough so the 717 Guardian can’t remove it.

Masked Bagger: Couldn’t you just tell Santa on me?

The Nutkroger begins to squeeze his mouth in order to break Bagger’s hand. Our hero uses his left hand to grab his box cutter. He takes a swipe at the villain, slicing his face. The Nutkroger screams, giving the 717 Guardian a chance to remove his hand and free himself.

The Nutkroger: This isn’t over, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: Maybe not, but I’m winning!

The magnificent man in a mask shoots out a cart strap, and attaches it to a giant display of nutcrackers. He pulls, and the display falls, landing right on Nutkroger. He’s pinned down, unable to move and angry.

The Nutkroger: This STILL isn’t over!

Masked Bagger: At any rate, this will keep you down while I get my bag-gun fixed. But first, I’m late for gift-giving with my “angels.”

CUT TO: The break room. Katie, Mindy and Hailie are there per request, waiting for Adam to arrive with their gifts. He was a little late, since he had to battle The Nutkroger, but he finally enters the room.

Adam Hauck: Ho! Ho! Ho! And to each “Ho,” a stocking filled with goodies. Merry Christmas.

Hailie Hauck: Did he just done call us hoes?

Mindy Dalton: I think he did.

Adam Hauck: I did but I was just kidding. You know, being funny.

Katie Collins: You need to work on being funny then.

Adam Hauck: Fine. Well anyways, Katie, you go first. Here’s your gift.

He hands it to her. It’s a stocking filled to the brim. She smiles.

Adam Hauck: Look inside.

Katie Collins: I am.

Inside the stocking there’s plenty of candy, a couple of gift cards and a brand new cell phone. Once she spots the phone, her face lights up with a huge smile.

Adam Hauck: I know you broke your phone the other day and since then have gone phone-less. I also know how hard that must be for you, since you’re almost always texting. So, you like it?

Katie Collins: I do. Thanks, Puddin’.

Adam Hauck: You’re welcome, Katie.

He wonders if she’s going to hug him, but she doesn’t. Instead she says…

Katie Collins: I wasn’t able to get you anything.

Adam Hauck: Oh. Well that’s okay. I’m just glad I could get you something that you like.

Katie Collins: Me, too.

Adam turns to Mindy and hands her a stocking.

Adam Hauck: Your turn, Mindy.

She goes through it to find much of the same: candy, gift cards and a music box. Mindy smiles when she sees it.

Adam Hauck: I know you collect music boxes and this is a rare one. I found it on eBay.

Mindy Dalton: I don’t know what to say, Adam. Besides thank you, very much. This is a great gift. (pause) Makes me wish I got you something.

Adam Hauck: You didn’t?

Mindy Dalton: I’m sorry. I meant to, but I’ve been so broke lately. I couldn’t afford to get you anything.

Adam Hauck: That’s alright. Christmas is about giving, not getting, and that’s a lesson I’m certainly learning this year.

Hailie Hauck: It be my turn now!

Adam Hauck: Fine. Here you go, Hailie.

He hands Hailie her gift. It’s also a stocking. Lots of good stuff in there for her, including a calendar. Adam watches as she smiles at all the stuff she got.

Adam Hauck: I know you have a thing for black men, and so I got you the 2015 “Hot, Black and Manly” calendar. But in case Agent Jensen stops by our house, he might get curious as to why you have this, so I’ve taken various pictures of my face and pasted them over the faces of the black men. You’re welcome.

Hailie Hauck: Thanks, I guess. But you could have given me the stocking at home. Why did I have to come to work just to get this?

Adam Hauck: I figured this way, with me giving you all your gifts at the same time, a group hug might happen.

He looks at them but none look willing to make his group hug dream a reality.

Adam Hauck: Well anyways, what’d you get me?

Hailie Hauck: What? It’s not enough that I married you to keep you in the country? THAT be my gift to you this year - our marriage!

Adam Hauck: (insincere) Thank you.

CUT TO: Bernie is dressed as Santa Claus. Katie is dressed as Mrs. Claus and Ben is dressed as an elf. There’s a line-up of kids and parents waiting to have their turn with Santa. Bernie looks at Katie.

Bernie Boswell: (quietly) You know, with that gray-hair wig and you being made up to look like an old lady, you’re kinda turning Santa on.

Katie Collins: Do you really wanna get beat up in front of all these kids? ‘cause I can make that happen.

Bernie Boswell: I’m sorry. Let’s get this going.

He turns to the kids.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, one and all! It is time to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what you want.

A little girl gets on Santa’s lap.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: What’s your name?

Molly: Molly.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And what can I get you this year?

Molly: I want a Puppy Surprise doll, and since I broke my mom’s DVD, I want you to replace it.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Well what’s it called, young Molly?

Molly: (yells to her mom) Mom, is your DVD called “Spanking Fantasies Realized”?

Molly’s Mom: (embarrassed) Yes.

Molly: Get that for her. Although I don’t understand it. Why would somebody actually *want* a spanking?

Santa “Bernie” Claus: I can’t answer that one, Molly.

Molly gets off Santa’s lap and returns to her mortified mother. A boy walks up to Santa and sits on his lap.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And what’s *your* name?

Adam: Adam.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Oh, really? I have a friend named Adam. He works in this very store.

Adam: I don’t care, Santa. All I care about is getting a special gift this Christmas and it’s YOUR job to get it for me.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Any chance it’s a pet grizzly bear? Because I’ll do it… for you.

Adam: Don’t be stupid, Santa. That bear would kill me. What I want - and you’d better open those ears of yours and listen closely - is a collection of My Little Pony toys.

Santa laughs and then tells the crowd.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Hey everybody, we have a brony here. This little boy wants My Little Pony toys! Have you ever heard anything so hilarious in your life?

The father of the boy, who has the build of a professional wrestler, walks up to Santa with an angry look on his face.

Adam’s Father: They’re about to hear Santa Claus scream like a little girl as I pulverize you. THAT would be hilarious.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: (nervous) I wasn’t talking about your son. I was talking about my elf, Ben. He’s 21-years-old and he’s a brony. Your son liking “My Little Pony” is a great thing and not only do I support his love for that show and toy line, but I encourage others who might be in the closet about it, to come out and admit they love it, too.

Adam’s Father: Apologize to my kid!

Santa “Bernie” Claus: I’m sorry.

The kid gets off his lap and then kicks him in the shin. Meanwhile, Ben wonders how Bernie knows he’s a brony.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger enters the basement lab. Tincher’s already down there.

Masked Bagger: Professor, I need you to fix my bag-gun. The Nutkroger broke it.

Professor Tincher: The who now?

Masked Bagger: Some nutcracker villain calling himself The Nutkroger.

Professor Tincher: I wonder who he really is.

Masked Bagger: My gut tells me it’s Bowshier. I saw him earlier today but not lately. I mean not since Nutkroger arrived.

Professor Tincher: Hmm, interesting. I’ll look into that. In the meantime, I have a backup bag-gun for you to use.

He hands it to him.

Professor Tincher: Merry Christmas, Masked Bagger.

Masked Bagger: Thanks, Professor.

With his new bag-gun, the 717 Guardian heads back to the scene of the crime - the non-foods aisle.

CUT TO: The line-up of kids is dwindling down to the last two kids. Santa invites the first of them to come over. They do.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Ho! Ho! Ho! And what can I get you this year?

Kid: I want dolls from “Paw Patrol,” “Bubble Guppies,” Yo Gabba Gabba and “Doc McStuffins.”

Santa looks at the kid’s mom, who has an approving face.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: That sounds like something Santa can do.

Kid: I love you, Santa!

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And Santa loves you, too.

Ben the elf takes a picture and the kid gets off Santa’s lap and walks back to her mother. Soon the last kid in line - a little girl - sits on Santa’s lap.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And what’s your name?

Michelle: Michelle.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: And what can Santa get you for Christmas?

Michelle: I want a Minnie Mouse bike. My neighbors each have one and ride theirs by my house, but I can only watch them ride. I can’t play with them because I don’t have one of my very own. It makes me sad, Santa.

Bernie looks at Michelle’s mom, who nods her head no. Then he looks into Michelle’s eyes and he simply can’t deny her this gift.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Of course Santa will get that for you.

Michelle: Oh thank you, Santa! Thank you so much!

She gives him a quick hug and runs over to her mom. Her mom instructs her to wait there as she approaches Santa, who’s getting up.

Michelle’s Mom: Why did you promise her that? We can’t afford it this year. My husband got laid off. We have only a tiny budget for presents.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Don’t worry about that. I’m going to go buy it myself right now. If you come back in an hour and go to the customer service desk, it’ll be there waiting for you - already paid for.

Michelle’s Mom: Seriously? Thank you so much… Santa.

She hugs him.

Santa “Bernie” Claus: Christmas is a time for miracles and making little kids happy.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger returns to the promo aisle where Nutkroger is still pinned under the shelving.

Masked Bagger: I’m back and I brought a goodie with me.

The Nutkroger: That’s laughable, Bagger. I’m just going to break it again. Oh, how you amuse me!

Masked Bagger: You’re the one who amuses me. You’re pinned under shelving. What can you do to me?

The Nutkroger: You can’t bag me while I’m under here. You’ll have to free me first.

The 717 Guardian realizes “Woody” is right. He gets on his knees to lift up the shelving, and Nutkroger instantly punches him in the face. They both stand up and square off.

The Nutkroger: Let’s get this over with, Bagger. I’d love to put your head on top of the Christmas tree.

Masked Bagger: Well that’s creepy and NOT gonna happen!

Our hero aims the bag-gun at Nutkroger, but it makes a popping sound and doesn’t work. Bagger looks embarrassed as The Nutkroger laughs and comes closer. That’s when the 717 Guardian actually squeezes the trigger and a bag comes out, wrapping itself around the villain.

Masked Bagger: He fell for my little trick. What a block head!

CUT TO: The basement lab. Professor Tincher takes The Nutkroger out of the bag. Much to Tincher and Bagger’s surprise, he is no longer evil. He’s Thomas Bowshier once more.

Professor Tincher: I don’t believe this!

Masked Bagger: It’s a Christmas miracle.

Thomas Bowshier: What’s going on? I was filled with such rage and hate, and now all of a sudden I feel… friendly. I’m my old self again. Oh, Masked Bagger, I’m so sorry for fighting you and trying to break your hand. Oh no! I broke Jeff’s hand! I hope he can forgive me.

Masked Bagger: It’s okay. I mean fighting me. You may need to actually apologize to Jeff personally, but seeing as he doesn’t know it was you inside that nutcracker disguise, I wouldn’t worry about it.

Professor Tincher: Why don’t you take the rest of the day off, and Merry Christmas.

Thomas Bowshier: That sounds good, and I hope you have the greatest Christmas ever this year, Mr. Tincher.

Professor Tincher: Well that’s impossible, but I thank you anyway for the gesture, Thomas.

Thomas leaves the basement.

Masked Bagger: I can’t help but notice he didn’t wish *me* a Merry Christmas. I’m not gonna lie, that hurts.

Professor Tincher: Well you *did* slice his face with a box cutter.

Masked Bagger: He could still say Merry Christmas.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher is up front. There are plenty of cashiers and baggers, so he goes over to Katie.

Professor Tincher: Since we’re overstaffed right now Katie, I’d like you to stand by the exit door and wish the departing customers a season’s greetings. Now remember, people tend to get offended quite easily these days if you give the wrong type of greeting. So be careful.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to take it down a notch. I’ll be just fine.

She walks over to the exit door. A customer approaches.

Katie Collins: Merry Christmas.

Customer #1: Christmas? No it’s “Happy Holidays.”

The customer leaves. Another one comes.

Katie Collins: Happy Holidays.

Customer #2: Don’t take Christ out of Christmas, young lady!

They leave. Another customer comes.

Katie Collins: Merry Christmas.

Customer #3: So you think everyone celebrates the birth of your Christ? You’re so narrow minded.

They leave. Another customer comes.

Katie Collins: Happy Holidays.

Customer #4: Typical political correctness police, keeping Christ out of his own birthday.

They leave. Yet another customer arrives.

Katie Collins: Merry Christmas.

Customer #5: I’m Jewish, but I guess in your mind *everybody* celebrates Christmas. Unbelievable!

They leave. Another customer comes.

Katie Collins: Happy Holidays.

Customer #6: Thank you.

Katie smiles.

Katie Collins: You’re welcome.

Customer #6: Wait a second. (to Katie) I’m on the phone.

He points to his headset.

Customer #6: What did you say?

Katie Collins: (nervous) I said Happy Holidays.

Customer #6: Bite me.

Katie Collins: Imma need people to get it together!

CUT TO: Masked Bagger is standing at the bakery, grabbing a complimentary candy cane cookie. The Christmas Genie appears.

Christmas Genie: Your shift is almost over. So what is your wish?

Masked Bagger: I have no idea. Let’s see, the rules are the same as in “Aladdin,” so I can’t make someone fall in love with me, nor can I ask that someone return from the dead, nor can I ask for any more wishes.

Christmas Genie: Correct. What will it be?

Masked Bagger: Do you have any ideas?

Christmas Genie: Is there any particular moment you’d like to relive? I can send you back in time. Of course, you can’t change anything in the past. Once you return to the present, everything goes back to as if I hadn’t sent you at all, but you’ll know it happened.

Masked Bagger: I’d love to relive my date with Katie from last year… or that time I got to see a female co-worker stark-naked. Maybe my wish should have something to do with my powers. I’ve always wanted to have the power to turn invisible whenever I want. That would be accurate to baggers, too, because whenever you need one, they vanish. Then again, I’d also love to have x-ray vision… be able to see through walls and stuff. Does all of this make me sound pervy?

Christmas Genie: Yes.

Masked Bagger: You’re a very judgmental genie.

Christmas Genie: And you’re a very indecisive human. Make your wish.

Masked Bagger: Let’s see. What’s my wish? I was never good at making up my mind on anything. Um, my wish is…

The 717 Guardian looks over and sees Tincher looking sad as a family of three, resembling his previous family, walk by.

Masked Bagger: I’ve got it!

CUT TO: Professor Stan Tincher is back in 1996 with his late wife Brooke, six-year-old step-son Bailey and his late sister, Meghan. Bagger’s wish was for the Professor to get to relive his most favorite Christmas ever! As Adam watches a few minutes of the Tincher family reunion in a special snow globe - and remembers the smiles on the faces of Katie, Mindy and Hailie - he realizes that he was given the greatest gift of all this year… the gift of being able to make his friends happy.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #19. The Wizard of Kroger-Oz

Starring:
Masked Bagger (Scary Wizard) alias Adam Hauck (The Scarecrow)
Professor Tincher (Normal Wizard)
Katie Collins
Ben Davis (The Tin Man)
Bernie Boswell (The Cowardly Lion)
Mindy Dalton (Glinda the Good Witch)

Guest Starring:
Floralicity (aka Debbie Garfield) [pictured below]
Hailie Hauck (The Wicked Witch of Non-Foods)
Agent Jensen
Sharon the Munchkin [pictured below]
Gonzo

[Adamantium]

The OZ characters!

Adam Hauck as The Scarecrow
Ben Davis as The Tin Man
Bernie Boswell as The Cowardly Lion
Hailie Hauck as The Wicked Witch of Non-Foods
Mindy Dalton as Glinda the Good Witch
Masked Bagger as Scary Wizard
The Gonzo Doll

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #19. The Wizard of Kroger-Oz

Originally Released on February 9th, 2015

And Now The Story…

Katie walks into the floral department. She’s a little nervous but more so she’s excited. Today is her first official day as a floral clerk. No longer a bagger, Katie feels she’s moving up in the company. She notices a Gonzo doll on the counter with a card. She picks it up, which reads “Con-Gonzo-lations on your promotion! - Adam”

Katie Collins: Imma need Adam to stop being such a dork.

Because of her new position, Katie has later hours. So late, in fact, that Adam has come and gone for the day without getting to see her. Mindy, however, is still there and approaches Katie.

Mindy Dalton: Hi, Katie.

Katie Collins: Hey, Mindy.

Mindy Dalton: How are you liking your new job?

Katie Collins: (with attitude) Uh, I just got here. I haven’t even started working yet.

Mindy Dalton: Take it down a notch. Sheesh. I’ll never know what Adam saw in you.

Katie Collins: What’s that supposed to mean?

Mindy Dalton: I think it’s quite obvious. (sighs) Look, I didn’t come here to argue. I just saw you here and wanted to chat. I didn’t know how to start the conversation, so I asked how you were liking the new job. That’s all.

Katie Collins: Okay, I’m sorry. So how’s your day going?

Mindy Dalton: Fine, except Bernie kept insisting on telling me all the intimate details of his love life with Jean.

Katie Collins: How can you even start that sentence with the word “fine”?

Mindy Dalton: It wasn’t easy.

They both laugh.

Mindy Dalton: I see Adam got you a Gonzo doll. Are you a big Muppets fan?

Katie Collins: No. I don’t know why he got me this.

Mindy Dalton: Well it’s still sweet.

Katie Collins: Actually it’s weird, but Imma tolerate it for now.

Mindy Dalton: Well I’m gonna go.

Katie Collins: Okay, peace out.

Mindy walks away. Katie looks at a note written by the floral head. Debbie Garfield, the former head, sneaks up behind Katie and sprinkles some magical dust on her head. Katie turns around.

Katie Collins: Debbie Garfield? What are you doing here?

Debbie Garfield: Just checking up on things. I noticed you have a baby bump there. Did you and Adam finally get together?

Katie Collins: Gross, no! This is from my boyfriend, Austin.

Debbie Garfield: For the record, I go by Floralicity now.

The floral foe blows in Katie’s face. This activates the magic dust, and Katie passes out.

CUT TO: Adam is sitting on his couch, recovering from a hard day at work as Masked Bagger. He had an almost endless battle with the giant bird-men, and just barely won.

Adam Hauck: That was a rough work day. At least things at home are going smoothly.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door. Adam opens it to find Agent Jensen there.

Adam Hauck: Agent Jensen? You’re here. In my house. Right now.

Agent Jensen: That’s correct. How’s the lovely Mrs. Hauck?

Adam Hauck: She’s fine. Heck, she’s married to me. She’s great.

Agent Jensen: Is she here?

Adam Hauck: Yeah, but she’s taking a nap. The lovemaking was so intense, it wore her out.

Agent Jensen: Well wake her up. This is a surprise visit to make sure you two are a real married couple. I’m going to be asking questions and if I don’t like the answers, both of you will be thrown in jail.

Adam Hauck: Wow, you really take your questions seriously.

Agent Jensen: That’s right. I do.

Adam Hauck: Just give me a second while I wake up Hailie.

Adam heads over to his bedroom. He lightly taps on the door, but there is no response. He opens the door to find Hailie and her boyfriend (for the week) in the middle of a - let’s just say - personal moment. Hailie looks and sees Adam.

Hailie Hauck: This give you yo jollies?

Adam Hauck: No. Jensen is here. He wants to interview us.

Hailie Hauck: Tell him I be busy.

Adam Hauck: Busy doing what… Jake?

Hailie Hauck: Tell him something. My sex life with other men is the only fun I get out of this marriage.

Adam Hauck: And I hate to take you away from this, but I need you in the living room now!

Hailie Hauck: Ugh, fine!

Hailie stops what’s going on and gets dressed. Jake, Hailie’s “special activity partner” also gets dressed and then climbs out the window, since his presence could not be well explained to Agent Jensen. Adam and Hailie go into the living room where Jensen is sitting on their couch.

Agent Jensen: Hello Haucks. Time for some questioning.

CUT TO: Katie is laying on the floor in the floral department. When she wakes up, she notices a lot of changes in her surroundings. The tiles on the floor are colorful, some red, some yellow, some blue. The most magical thing about this setup is she doesn’t see any customers. Not one. She looks over at her Gonzo doll, and it comes to life. He remains the size of the doll but is able to move around and talk.

Katie Collins: Whoa, what’s this?

Gonzo: I’m your doll, Gonzo. Adam gave me to you, remember?

Katie Collins: I remember but you weren’t alive before.

Gonzo: That’s because I wasn’t in a magical land then.

Katie Collins: We’re in a magical land?

Gonzo: Yes, but don’t ask me to explain it to you. That’s what Glinda is for, and I see she’s on her way here right now.

Glinda the Good Witch - who looks just like Mindy Dalton - walks over to Katie and her doll friend.

Glinda: Hello. I am Glinda, the Good Witch. I can see you have killed my sister, the Wicked Witch of Floral.

Katie looks behind her and sees a dead witch. She’s shocked.

Katie Collins: No, I didn’t. I didn’t even know she was there.

Glinda: (Disappointed) Oh, really?

Gonzo: Katie is being modest. Of course she killed the Wicked Witch. Does she get a reward?

Glinda: Yes. She gets to be Princess of the land of Kroger-Oz.

Katie Collins: That’s great but Imma pass. I just want to go home.

Glinda: Well if it’s home you want, it’s home you shall get. Go and see the great and powerful Wizard of Kroger-Oz, and he shall get you home.

The actual story of “The Wizard of Oz” has been erased from Katie’s brain, so all that’s happening seems like an original story to her. A group of Munchkins head her way. They are all singing “Hi Ho.”

The Munchkins: ♪Hi Ho. Hi Ho. It’s off to work we go. ♪

They stop next to Glinda.

Glinda: Dear Munchkins… that’s a song the dwarves sing in “Snow White.” You’re not a bunch of dwarves.

Sharon the Munchkin: Oops. Silly us. Who’s the girl?

Glinda: Her name is Katie. She just killed the Wicked Witch of Floral and wants to go home. So I’m sending her to see the Wizard.

Katie Collins: How do I find this Wizard?

Glinda: Well silly, you just follow the yellow tile floor. It shall direct you to him in his office. You will have a much better chance to actually see him if you are wearing these ruby slippers.

Glinda presents Katie with ruby slippers. Katie leans against the counter and removes both shoes. Before putting the slippers on, Glinda gets a whiff of Katie’s feet and makes an unpleasant face. The Munchkins also look disgusted.

Glinda: Hurry up, please.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to calm down. I’m putting them on.

Glinda holds her breath until Katie slips on the second (and final) slipper. Then the Good Witch breaths again.

Sharon the Munchkin: I’m reminded of a certain Kimmy Gibbler.

Katie Collins: You guys don’t need to be rude. So I have smelly feet. It could be worse. I could have YOUR dorky hairdos.

Glinda: No need for that. Now I must warn you. The Wicked Witch of Non-Foods will want those ruby slippers. She can’t have them. Only bad things can happen when she possesses those slippers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must be going.

Glinda turns into a big pink bubble and floats away. Katie turns to Gonzo.

Katie Collins: Let’s go out the front door!

CUT TO: The Haucks and Agent Jensen are sitting down in the living room of Adam’s house.

Agent Jensen: Adam - what is Hailie’s favorite TV series?

Adam Hauck: Hmm, well it used to be “14 and Dreaming of Being Pregnant,” but that was last year. This year it’s the sequel series “15, Pregnant, and Miserable.”

Agent Jensen: Correct!

Hailie Hauck: I read online that next year’s title will be “16, Miserable, Pregnant Again.” I be excited for that.

Agent Jensen: Hailie, same question.

Hailie Hauck: Adam’s favorite show be “NewsRadio.”

Agent Jensen: Correct! Adam, what is Hailie’s bra size?

Adam Hauck: That’s a trick question. She doesn’t wear a bra.

Agent Jensen: Correct!

Hailie Hauck: (to Jensen) How you know THAT???

Agent Jensen: Never you mind. Now Hailie, Adam has a mole on his left butt cheek. True or false?

Hailie Hauck: False!

Agent Jensen: Correct!

Adam Hauck: The government knows WAY too much about my body!

CUT TO: Katie, while holding Gonzo in her arms, goes outside. However, there is a force field keeping her from going past the sidewalk. She’s trapped. Frustrated, Katie looks to her left, and spots a scarecrow. She looks at it, and it looks very much like Adam.

Katie Collins: Adam?

The Scarecrow: Adam? Who’s Adam?

Katie Collins: Imma need you to take off that silly costume and help me out of here! I’m lost!

The Scarecrow: I need your help getting me down, first.

She gets him off the post he was attached to. The Scarecrow then opens his shirt, revealing nothing but straw. He is a real scarecrow - not Adam in disguise.

Katie Collins: I’m convinced. You’re not Adam.

The Scarecrow: That’s right. Hey, I see you’ve got a baby bump going on there.

Katie Collins: Yes, I’m pregnant.

The Scarecrow: Just one question: Am I the father?

Katie Collins: No! We literally just met!

The Scarecrow: Well excuse me for not knowing that. I don’t have a brain as it turns out. So as far as I know, we may have a history together, and had a very romantic night that led to that baby bump.

Gonzo: He’s got a point.

Katie Collins: No, actually he doesn’t.

Gonzo: She’s got a point there.

The Scarecrow: So what are you doing here? You wear the clothes of an employee and yet you say you’re lost?

Katie Collins: I’m just a visitor. I’m on my way to find the Wizard, so he can send me home.

The Scarecrow: Listen, you say you’re going to see the Wizard. Take me with you. Maybe he can give me a brain.

Katie Collins: Fine. You can come with.

The Scarecrow: Where?

Katie Collins: To see the Wizard of Kroger-Oz!

The Scarecrow: Why?

Katie Collins: (frustrated) So I can go home and you can get a brain.

The Scarecrow: Who are you again?

Katie Collins: Ugh, we need to hurry up and get you that brain!

CUT TO: Katie (with Gonzo) and The Scarecrow walk down the yellow tile floor, and as they approach produce, they spot a tin man standing motionless. He looks like Ben Davis and is mumbling something.

Katie Collins: That man made of tin seems to be mumbling something.

The Scarecrow: What’s he saying? I would try to figure it out myself but as you recall, I don’t have a brain.

Katie Collins: I think he’s saying “oil me.” He better not be a perv!

She spots his oil can on the floor next to him. Katie picks it up and begins oiling him. He starts to move around.

Tin Man: Happy Birthday!

The Scarecrow: Huh?

Tin Man: Oh, sorry. That’s Frosty the Snowman.

Katie Collins: And what’s *your* name?

Tin Man: Tin Man.

Katie Collins: I’m Katie Collins.

Tin Man: Didn’t ask. Don’t care.

Katie Collins: Imma need you to get a grip.

The Scarecrow: Is there anything you need from the Wizard? We’re on our way to see him now.

Tin Man: Well, Ugly, some say I need a heart. Do you think this Wizard fella could get me one?

The Scarecrow: I don’t think at all. I haven’t got a brain.

Katie Collins: I don’t know, Tin Man, but it’s worth a shot.

Tin Man: Let’s do it!

CUT TO: Katie, Gonzo, Scarecrow and the Tin Man walk through the bakery when suddenly a lion (looking like Bernie) jumps out. He roars a mighty roar, which scares nobody.

Katie Collins: Did you try to scare us? Because that’s pathetic!

Cowardly Lion: I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me! I apologize. Have mercy on me, I beg of you.

Tin Man: Dude, you need some courage, ASAP!

Cowardly Lion: I agree.

Katie Collins: Maybe the Wizard could get you some courage. Come with us.

Cowardly Lion: I’m too scared to say no, so yes!

Suddenly, the Wicked Witch of Non-Foods arrives. She looks a lot like Hailie Hauck.

Wicked Witch: Gimme those ruby slippers!

Gonzo: Trust me. You don’t want her taking those off her feet.

Katie Collins: Gonzo, shut lip! Witch, you ain’t getting these slippers!

Wicked Witch: I shall have them!

Tin Man: No. you shall not!

Wicked Witch: This isn’t over!

Angry, the Witch gets on her broomstick and flies off. The gang continue on their way to see the Wizard.

CUT TO: Adam, Hailie and Jensen still at the Hauck house.

Agent Jensen: Adam - when Hailie makes love, what kind of noises does she make?

Hailie Hauck: Stop it! Watchu be talkin’ about? How would you even know the correct answer?

Agent Jensen: Please, Mrs. Hauck. I’m in the middle of a government question to Mr. Hauck here.

Adam Hauck: Hailie’s got a point. What IS this?

Agent Jensen: Fine. I know all about your fake marriage. Do you think I’m some sort of numbskull?

Adam Hauck: I wouldn’t say “think” so much as “hope.”

Agent Jensen: I had planted Jake here to make sweet love to Hailie. He also provided me with all the answers to my questions. You’re done for… the both of you!

Hailie Hauck: It was all Adam’s idea!

Adam Hauck: Such a wicked thing to do, turning me in.

Agent Jensen: It doesn’t matter. You’re both going to prison for ten years. Then Adam will be deported and Hailie will be an ex-convict.

Adam Hauck: You haven’t proven anything about us having a fake marriage. All you know is that we have an open marriage. I knew Jake was coming by and doing things with my wife. I still love her. We’re swingers, Jensen! That’s all.

Agent Jensen: What? Seriously?

Hailie Hauck: Dang tootin’.

Agent Jensen: Well in that case, congratulations on a happy marriage. I’ll be going now.

Jensen leaves just as the phone rings. Adam answers it. It’s Tincher informing him that Kate is in a coma. Adam rushes to the store.

CUT TO: The store. Professor Tincher is in his office. Katie is laying on a cot. Adam enters.

Adam Hauck: How did she get in a coma again?

Professor Tincher: “Again” refers to the time Debbie Garfield put her in a coma. Well guess what. Garfield has been spotted in here earlier today. Coincidence? I think not.

CUT TO: Katie and her Oz-traveling gang continue down the yellow tile floor. They spot the Wizard’s office. However, standing before it is the Wicked Witch once more.

Katie Collins: Oh I don’t think so! I’ll annoy this bit… I mean witch.

Katie grabs a spray bottle of water and sprays the Witch with it. She falls to the floor and begins melting.

Wicked Witch: I’m melting! I’m melting!

Katie Collins: If water does this to you, does that mean you’ve *never* taken a shower before? Nasty!

Once the Witch is dead, The Fifth Estate’s version of “Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is Dead” begins to play on the intercom. Katie and the others open the office door and walk inside. They spot a giant head. It looks just like The Masked Bagger.

(The Fifth Estate's version of "Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is Dead") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUOxhGa4lvw

Katie Collins: Excuse me, Wizard?

The Wizard: What is it? Who are you? How dare you enter this office?

Katie Collins: I’m Katie Collins. I just killed two wicked witches, and want to go home. Glinda told me you can make that happen. I wear the ruby slippers.

The Wizard: No. Get out of here. Oz is your home now.

The Tin Man spots a curtain and opens it up. A man looking much like Professor Tincher is standing there. He notices he’s been spotted.

The Wizard: Pay no attention to that curtain behind the man. Darn it, I flubbed the line!

Katie Collins: Mister Tincher?

The Wizard: Who?

Katie Collins: I don’t know why I keep asking. It’s never who I think it is. Listen, Imma need your help getting me home.

Tin Man: And I need a heart.

Cowardly Lion: And I need some courage.

The Scarecrow: And I need… I don’t remember.

Katie Collins: A brain.

The Wizard: Look, I’d like to help, but I really just want to be left alone. That’s why I put that image up - to scare people away.

Tin Man: Help us and we go away.

The Wizard: I like your logic. Okay. I’ll help!

CUT TO: Professor Tincher and Adam are in the office. Debbie Garfield - now Floralicity - enters the room.

Adam Hauck: So this was all Debbie’s doing?

Floralicity: Yes, Adam. It was.

Adam Hauck: Debbie Garfield? I don’t believe it!

Floralicity: The name used to be Garfield. Now I go by Floralicity.

Adam Hauck: Why?

Floralicity: Before, I didn’t see myself as a villain. Now I do.

Adam Hauck: No, I mean why such a silly name?

Bernie and Ben are outside the office, about to go in. Bernie decides to be funny.

Bernie Boswell: Hey Ben, I’ve got a weak back.

Ben Davis: How’d you get that?

Bernie Boswell: About a week back (laughs).

Ben Davis: Huh?

Bernie Boswell: Wait. You did that wrong.

Ben Davis: I’m sorry?

Bernie Boswell: You were supposed to say “how long have you had a weak back?” To which I would reply “About a week back.” Then we’d both laugh and laugh. Good times we should have had, but you screwed up. You suck at comedy.

Ben Davis: Bernie, I think it’s time for your medication again.

They enter the office and see the former Debbie Garfield. Bernie’s face lights up. If you recall, he had quite the crush on her.

Bernie Boswell: Debbie! How are you?

Floralicity: I’m fine… have we met?

Bernie is crushed. The floral villain looks at Adam.

Floralicity: See. I hurt his feelings on purpose. I’m bad now.

Adam Hauck: I can’t believe I… I mean, Masked Bagger just let you go before. He should have incarcerated you. Then none of this would have happened, and Katie’s life wouldn’t - once again - be on the line.

Ben Davis: Will someone tell me what’s going on here?

Professor Tincher enters the room and heard Ben’s question.

Professor Tincher: Katie is in a coma. She’s having some sort of dream, it appears. However, if she dies in the dream, she’ll never wake up in reality. So even though she’s not physically doing anything, she’s still in peril. This is all the doing of super villain Floralicity, alias Debbie Garfield.

Bernie Boswell: (shocked) Debbie, no!

Adam Hauck: What have you done to her mind?

Floralicity: She’s in the land of Kroger-Oz. I’ve created the scenery and all of the characters.

Ben Davis: Huh?

Floralicity: Katie is seeing many of you in Kroger-Oz. Adam, she sees you as The Scarecrow because you need a brain. No one in their right mind would fall in love with that girl. Ben, she sees you as the Tin Man because you come off as unsympathetic many times and in need of a heart. Bernie, she sees you as the Cowardly Lion because, well I think that one is pretty obvious.

Bernie Boswell: Obvious? Me - a coward? I think not! Would a coward do this?!?

Bernie goes right up to Floralicity and passionately kisses her full on the mouth. It lasts for almost a whole minute. Adam and Ben are feeling very awkward and disgusted during this moment. When the kiss ends, Bernie looks at Floralicity and says…

Bernie Boswell: Well, what do you say to that?

Floralicity: Okay, maybe YOU’RE the one in need of a brain… and kissing lessons.

Adam Hauck: Bernie, enough of this silliness. Now how do we get Katie to wake up?

Floralicity: There is nothing any of us can do. Katie has to find a way to get back to this reality on her own, or she’ll never wake up.

Adam Hauck: Funny that whenever Debbie Garfield comes to Kroger, Katie ends up in a coma.

Floralicity: I did this all for you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Me? Why?

Floralicity: You love her. Even though you say you don’t. I know you do. I can sense it. Because she doesn’t love you back, I’m making her pay.

As Adam begins to speak, he hears sappy, heartwarming music in the background as if he’s in an episode of “Full House.”

Adam Hauck: No. This is wrong, Debbie. It’s true I have feelings for Katie. They haven’t gone away even though I pretend they have. But that’s life. As unfair as it may seem to me at the moment, Katie doesn’t love me… and that’s okay. It just means she’s not the one for me, and that the “one” is still out there somewhere, but I won’t find her and recognize that she’s the one if I remain focused on Katie.

Floralicity: Are you saying you want Katie back in this realm?

Adam Hauck: Yes! She’s still kind of my friend, but even if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t wish anything bad for her - like being stuck in an alternate dimension.

CUT TO: The Wizard is with Katie and the others.

Katie Collins: Well gang, you all got what you wanted. Scarecrow, the Wizard gave you a brain.

The Scarecrow: Yes, he most indubitably did. Except now I’m wondering why a scarecrow even needs a brain.

Katie Collins: Tin Man, he gave you a heart.

Tin Man: (voice cracking) He did, and I love him for it. I love you for taking me on this trip, and I love the feeling of love itself.

Katie Collins: And Lion, you are no longer a coward.

Cowardly Lion: No, I’m not.

He roars a loud roar.

Cowardly Lion: And I mean that.

The Scarecrow: That just leaves you, Katie.

The Wizard: Just tap your heals together and repeat after me. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

CUT TO: Professor Tincher returns to his office for only a moment and then rushes back into the manager’s office, where the others are.

Professor Tincher: Adam, come in here! Katie’s mumbling what sounds like “No place like home.” I think she’s returning to us!

Adam, Ben and Bernie rush into Tincher’s office and stand next to Katie, who is slowly coming out of her coma. Debbie slips away.

Katie Collins: (eyes closed) There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

She awakens and looks at all the guys in the room. She smiles.

Katie Collins: I made it. I’m back.

She looks around.

Katie Collins: I’m laying down. Was it all a dream?

Ben Davis: Yes.

Professor Tincher: Yes and no. It *was* a dream, however, your life was really in peril, and I’m sure it all felt real to you. It was all the doing of Debbie Garfield.

Katie Collins: That’s right! She was there just before I entered the land of Kroger-Oz.

Adam Hauck: Katie, I’m glad to see you’re alright, but if everyone will excuse me, I, uh, have some immediate shopping to do.

Adam leaves the office, heads to the bagger’s closet and transforms into The Masked Bagger. He then begins tracking down Floralicity, and finds her.

Masked Bagger: I told you I never wanted to see you in this store again.

Floralicity: And who’s fault is it that you’re seeing me? Close your eyes - problem solved.

Masked Bagger: You targeted Katie this time, and I can’t have that. You’re going to jail and by “jail” I mean the basement of this store with all the other super villains.

Floralicity: I don’t think so. You’ll have to fight me first.

Masked Bagger: No. You’re a woman. I’m not about to fight a woman.

Floralicity: Yes, you will.

She races towards him. Our handsome hero takes out his bag-gun and shoots her, capturing the villainous in a bag.

Masked Bagger: No means no. That’s not something women hear from me often, but when I say it, clearly I mean it!

THE END... FOR THIS ISSUE!

[Adamantium]

**SEASON FINALE**

ISSUE #20. Bagger Versus Beggar

Starring:
Masked Bagger alias Adam Hauck
Professor Tincher
Katie Collins
Ben Davis
Bernie Boswell
Mindy Dalton alias Retail-Red

Guest Starring:
Masked Beggar [pictured below]
Kroger Devil
Hailie Hauck

So there's no confusion in the reading of their names, "Masked Bagger" remains in blue, while "Masked Beggar" will have his name in green.

[Adamantium]

ISSUE #20. Bagger Versus Beggar

Originally Released on March 28th, 2015

The Magnificent Story Continues…

MARCH 2013 - One month after Adam joined Kroger 717 as Masked Bagger, and two years before this issue. Mindy Dalton and her fiancé, Adam Hauck (aka Adam III) from Earth level three, enter Earth level two, the world where 717 exists. Adam looks different. He’s fit and looks good. Also, this Adam is a genius who invented inter-dimensional travel. Let’s face it, if our Adam put his mind to it, he’s probably capable of such feats as well.

Adam III: Mindy, this will be our new home. Away from those out to get us. We should be safe here.

Mindy Dalton: I hope so, Adam. But I still don’t understand why we had to leave. Who’s after us?

Adam III: I know this is going to sound crazy but a devil and his army. They’ve been after me for weeks and they finally found me. They’re dangerous, Mindy. Deadly.

She laughs at how silly that sounds, then notices he’s keeping a straight face. He’s being serious.

Mindy Dalton: I think the price you pay for being a genius is taking its toll on your sanity, honey.

Adam III: Nonsense. Now let’s find a place to live.

Mindy Dalton: Hopefully we can visit my parents and brother soon. I already miss them.

Adam III: Haven’t I been clear on this? We will never go back. It’s too dangerous. This is where we shall remain for the rest of our lives.

Mindy Dalton: I’ll never see my parents again? Adam, I want to go home… now!

Adam III: You *are* home. I’m sorry but that’s just the way it has to be. Now since we don’t want to make waves in the universe and chance the devil finding us here, we shall live plain, ordinary, hum-drum lives. In other words, we’re going to be boring.

CUT TO: Present day, March 2015. Mindy, in the guise of Retail-Red, is fighting alongside Masked Bagger after a large amount of bird-men attack the store.

Retail-Red: This is crazy, Bagger!

Masked Bagger: It’s like it’s the end of days or something!

The two heroes are punching and kicking, and Red is also using her laser “scan-gun” to defeat this flock of evil creatures. They finally get the last one and are exhausted.

Masked Bagger: Did we get ‘em all? Are we done?

Retail-Red: Looks like it. What’s going on here? There’s never been *that* many birds in the store at once.

Professor Tincher walks up.

Professor Tincher: I fear Bagger’s remark may be true. This might be the end of days. Not for the world, but for this store. Kroger Devil may be planning something so diabolical, none of us will survive it.

Masked Bagger: I guess now’s as good a time as any to give you my two-weeks notice.

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil is sitting down in deep thought.

Jasper the Snake: What are you doing, Master? Getting ready to destroy Masked Bagger’s store?

Kroger Devil: No. I’m saving that for February of 2016.

Jasper the Snake: So then what are you doing now?

Kroger Devil: I am summoning my subject back to store 717. Things will get very interesting when I infuse him with super powers.

Jasper the Snake: What subject is that, may I ask?

Kroger Devil: Adam Hauck from Earth level three.

Jasper the Snake: Going to take down the Masked Bagger?

Kroger Devil: Not everything is about taking down that Bagger. This is about freaking out the people of the store and giving revelations to his fiancé, Mindy, and if he’s able to take down the Bagger in the process, all the better.

Jasper the Snake: Maniacal laugh time?

Kroger Devil: Of course.

The Kroger Devil laughs maniacally.

CUT TO: Adam walks over to Bernie, who’s got a big cardboard cutout of himself next to a table and chair. Bernie’s having a book signing for the release of his autobiography in the promo aisle.

Adam Hauck: How’d you get your book published?

Bernie Boswell: My uncle owns a publishing company.

Adam Hauck: I thought he owned a recording studio.

Bernie Boswell: He does. He also owns a publishing company.

Adam Hauck: Hmm, I don’t know. That seems awfully convenient.

Bernie Boswell: So you’re saying it’s more believable that some *other* company really published my book?

Adam Hauck: So your uncle owns a publishing company, huh?

Bernie Boswell: That’s right.

Mindy walks over to Adam and Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: My book has it all: my childhood, an entire chapter dedicated to my very own religion, Boswellity, and I even mention the time I got to paint you in the nude, Mindy.

Mindy Dalton: Say what now?

Bernie Boswell: You remember.

Mindy Dalton: No, I don’t.

Adam Hauck: Doesn’t seem like something you’d forget.

Bernie Boswell: Of course, you must have repressed the memory.

Mindy Dalton: I must have.

Mindy and Adam walk away together.

Mindy Dalton: I never posed nude for that buffoon. It must have been my level two counterpart. This is so humiliating.

Adam Hauck: Things could always be worse. You could wake up one day, realize you’re thirty-three and still a virgin, and no matter what you do to impress the opposite sex, you will always be seen as just a friend to them… or someone deserving of being blocked on Facebook.

Mindy Dalton: You’re right. That would suck.

She walks off as Adam stays in place, depressed over his current situation.

CUT TO: The Kroger Devil’s layer. A homeless man approaches. It’s Adam III. However, he looks completely different than before. He has long hair, a beard, a beer belly and sloppy clothes.

Kroger Devil: Come to me.

Adam III: Yes, Master.

Kroger Devil: I have removed your mind. You’ve been traveling this world as a homeless man for almost two years. But worry no more about your identity. I shall restore your memory and infuse you with a does of evil, thus creating a new foe for Masked Bagger!

Adam III: Who am I?

Kroger Devil: You’re Adam Hauck. You come from a different Earth level. Your counterpart on this world is a superhero at a Kroger store. You will fight him.

CUT TO: The outside of Kroger 666, a horrifying scream is heard throughout the store even in the parking lot as Adam III is becoming a super villain.

CUT TO: Kroger 717. The birds are back. Adam is bagging an order for Mindy when he sees them and runs into the bagger’s closet. When he comes out, he’s Masked Bagger - precious hero of this troubled store!

Masked Bagger: (to the birds) I literally have no social life, so I can do this all day, feathered freaks!

A battle ensues as the guardian fights off the bird-men. One good punch will not only kill them, but their dead bodies vanish into thin air. Bagger’s taking out some of the birds but more continue to fly in. When Mindy’s done checking out a customer, she closes her lane and runs off - only to return as Retail-Red. She joins in the fight.

Meanwhile, outside, Kroger Devil’s newest creation - The Masked Beggar - walks up to the door. He pauses for a moment and then enters the store. While fighting the birds, Masked Bagger looks over and sees Beggar. He’s instantly confused and just stands there, staring at him.

Masked Bagger: Am I looking into a fun house mirror?

Retail-Red: Come on, Bagger. I need your help! What are you looking at?

She looks over and sees the other bagger. She joins our hero in standing there, staring. A very pregnant Katie walks into the store to begin her shift. She spots only Masked Beggar and realizes it’s been about a month since she’s seen the 717 Guardian last, due to her later hours in floral. Katie assumes Masked Bagger has really let himself go. She goes off to find a few other co-workers.

Masked Bagger: Okay, I’ll ask. What’s going on here? Who are you?

Masked Beggar: I am the Masked Beggar. I was sent here on a mission, and let me tell you…

The villain looks at Red. Their eyes lock. Chills run up and down both of their spines as they instantly recognize one another.

Masked Beggar: I don’t believe it. It’s you!

Retail-Red: I’ve waited so long to find you. Suddenly, here you are. I don’t know how to react to this.

Masked Bagger: I’m out of the loop on this one. If somebody wants to fill me in. I can probably help you react to it.

Masked Beggar: What’s with all these birds? They’re a distraction.

Masked Bagger: Tell me about it, but they won’t leave.

The evil Beggar whistles and the birds fly out of the store. Unlike our Adam, who’s scared of birds, this Adam loves the feathered creatures and has a way with them.

Masked Bagger: Oh good. You’re not a villain. For a moment I thought I was going to have to fight you. My laziness levels have really shot up and I wasn’t looking forward to a fight. So this is great. Are you my new sidekick, designed to make me look better by comparison?

Masked Beggar: Let’s get a few things straight. I *am* a villain. I was sent here to cause mayhem, and yes, we will be fighting. Also, okay, I’ve put on some weight due to all the beer I drink and I haven’t shaved in two years, but you don’t have to be a jerk about my appearance.

Masked Bagger: I’m sorry. Sometimes I try too hard to be funny and I go too far and I hurt feelings. I’d like to say it will never happen again, but I know me and it’s probably gonna happen again any minute now.

Masked Beggar: Let me prevent that!

The skuzzy looking baddie extends his arm and as if he were Spider-Man with webbing, shoots out a plastic bag, which wraps itself around Bagger’s face. Beggar then punches our hero in the face and he goes down. Retail-Red takes her scan-gun and - not wanting to hurt him too bad - shoots Beggar on his ankle.

Retail-Red: Get back!

Masked Beggar: What, are you and this buffoon an item?

Retail-Red: No, of course not!

Masked Bagger: I may have a bag over my head, but I can still hear, and your tone when answering that question really stings, Red!

Masked Beggar: If you want me to believe you, show me. Shoot him with that laser gun of yours, which by the way, I think I invented.

Retail-Red: There’s nothing romantic going on between us but I still care for him, and I won’t hurt him.

Masked Beggar: Do it, or I’ll kill him right now.

Masked Bagger: Gotta go!

Our hero gets up and runs off as fast as he can - with a bag over his head - and is unable to see anything. Red turns to Beggar.

Retail-Red: What happened to you? Where have you been for the past two years? I deserve answers!

He remains calm and unwilling to respond. So Red, without looking back, extends her arm and shoots a laser, striking Masked Bagger as he runs off.

Masked Beggar: I was running from the devil. You thought I was crazy but I wasn’t. You laughed at me when I told you. I’ll never forget that laughter. He was out to get me and he succeeded. Maybe if I had my woman by my side, we could have fought him off together, but instead you laughed at me and thought I was going berserk. I loved you with all my heart. Now I hate you just the same.

Retail-Red: Come on, Adam. It sounded so crazy. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.

Masked Beggar: You’re not sorry… yet.

He whips out an extra long cart strap, and quickly wraps it around Retail’s neck, throwing the other end over a bar up above. He pulls her up, choking her, and ties the end of the strap to a pole below. He walks off, leaving her to die, a slow death. She takes her scan-gun and shoots the strap, freeing herself. She takes a moment to catch her breath and think.

CUT TO: Masked Beggar is walking towards the dairy department. Katie, who has formed an intervention, goes up to him. Others in the intervention are Ben, Bernie and Hailie - all of whom believe this to be their beloved Masked Bagger, who’s become a boozer.

Katie Collins: Masked Bagger, Imma need you to get your stuff together. The store needs you in tip top shape… or as tip a top as you’ve ever been.

Ben Davis: Mr. Bagger. You have been an inspiration to me as well as the staff here at Kroger 717. It saddens me to see you in this condition. But I’m not gonna lie. This will make a great dramatic scene in the movie I’m writing about you. I might even win an Oscar. Now I just need you to shove a woman, and then realize by doing that, you’ve hit rock bottom, and begin your road to recovery.

Bernie Boswell: Looking at you, one thing comes to mind. You appear to be on the Boswell Diet. There’s a chapter about it in my book, which you can own for only $7.99.

Hailie Hauck: U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, Mask Bagger, you ugly. Yeah, yeah, you ugly.

Ben Davis: Perhaps we’re not the best at interventions, but we mean well… I suppose.

Katie Collins: Of course we mean well. I, for some reason just chose a bunch of idiots to help out with this.

Masked Beggar: What are you all talking about?

Bernie Boswell: Don’t act like you don’t know. Denial rears its ugly head and you don’t wear it well.

Ben Davis: Right, and that’s coming from Bernie.

Bernie Boswell: Yep. (he gets it) Hey!

Ben Davis: Sorry, buddy. Just trying to help the 717 Guardian.

Masked Beggar: I am no Guardian! I am out to kill Masked Bagger.

Bernie Boswell: You’re going to kill yourself? Listen up everybody! This intervention has officially turned into a suicide prevention group!

Masked Beggar: I’m not going to kill myself! I’m not Masked Bagger. I’m Masked *Beggar*!

Hailie Hauck: I get it. ‘cause he be a hobo. You know, a beggar?

Masked Beggar: Exactly!

Katie Collins: I’m pregnant and probably shouldn’t run away. Is there any chance you can run off instead?

Masked Beggar: To get out of this conversation - yes!

The villain runs off.

CUT TO: The basement lab. Professor Tincher, Adam Hauck and Mindy Dalton are down there.

Adam Hauck: I didn’t catch everything earlier, Mindy. So that’s your fiancé, Adam, from your home world?

Mindy Dalton: Yes.

Adam Hauck: And to think I was jealous of him. You went on about how much better looking he is and what great shape he’s in compared to me. If *that’s* considered better shape to you, than you must really think poorly of me.

Mindy Dalton: Adam, don’t be an idiot. He’s changed. He’s spent two years homeless. He told me a devil was out to get him, and I didn’t believe him. This is all my fault.

Professor Tincher: In no way is any of this your fault. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s mine.

Adam Hauck: How so, Professor?

Professor Tincher: If I hadn’t chosen you to be Masked Bagger, Kroger Devil wouldn’t have targeted Mindy’s Adam. I guess he figured the only person who can defeat you is you. Up until now, I wasn’t sure if he knew your true identity, and it turns out he does. I wonder how.

Adam Hauck: Maybe Meat-Man or Mad Sacker told him, or maybe he’s like Rita Repulsa, looking down at the Power Rangers, able to see everything that’s going on.

The three of them get nervous and start looking around.

Mindy Dalton: What are we doing? If he *is* watching us, we can’t see him.

Professor Tincher: We call him the Kroger Devil for a reason. Sometimes we forget what that means. He’s no mere super villain. He is evil personified. Who knows what knowledge he may possess?

Adam Hauck: If he knows me, why hasn’t he gone after Katie? I spent a year in love with her, and the Devil didn’t try to turn her evil.

Professor Tincher: Maybe he plans to one day.

Adam Hauck: Okay, I am officially scared.

Mindy Dalton: That makes two of us.

Professor Tincher: And Tincher makes three.

CUT TO: Bernie is sitting by his book display, planning to sign autographs, however, no one is buying. Katie walks over to him.

Katie Collins: Well this is a disaster.

Bernie Boswell: Not at all. I get it. I’m not famous. This will be a book that takes some time before the public embraces it. Heck, I’m already planning to write another one. It will be a fictional romance novel, featuring yours truly.

Katie Collins: What kind of weirdo writes fictional stories about themselves?

Bernie Boswell: Never mind. Now I’m brainstorming ideas for a title. Here goes: #1. “Laverne & Shirley… and Bernie - a Threesome!”, #2. “Bernie and the Broad”, #3. “This is Sex - For Lack of a Better Word”, #4. “Hello, I’m Bernie… Do You Have a Low Self-Esteem? Come Over to My Place!” and #5. “Now That I Have You, My Lotion Buying Days Are Over!”

Katie Collins: Don’t be offended but Imma do my best to make sure my future child never meets you or even knows you.

Bernie Boswell: Kinda hard not to take offense to that, but I’ll try.

CUT TO: Masked Bagger and Retail-Red march to the deli department in pursuit of Masked Beggar. Suddenly, he appears.

Masked Beggar: My, my, Mindy. You’re alive.

Retail-Red: It’s going to take more than hanging me by the neck to end *my* life.

Masked Beggar: Good to know. I blame myself anyways. I should have known better than to walk away and assume you’d die. I don’t know, maybe part of me wanted you to live, so that we can get back what we used to have.

Retail-Red: I want that, too. Fight your evil urges, Adam.

Masked Beggar: Easier said than done.

Retail-Red: Remember my nineteenth birthday?

Masked Beggar: Of course.

Retail-Red: It was late and I decided to stay the night at your place. You held me in your arms. You leaned in, kissed me, and told me that you loved me. Then we went back to your bedroom and…

Masked Bagger: I’m feeling awkward. Should I not be here? This is getting kind of personal.

Masked Beggar: You’ll be gone soon enough, Guardian!

Bagger’s opposite takes out a beer bottle and throws it at our hero, but he ducks and it crashes on the floor. Masked Bagger quickly takes out his bag-gun and aims it at the bad guy. Beggar takes out his own, and they both shoot at the same time. The bags catch on each other and cancel the other one out. The magnificent man in a mask ejects his cart strap and he goes in for a landing. Beggar takes his own strap, twirls it, and they both strike, but the straps get tangled together.

Masked Bagger: We’re basically the same person! Every move I make, you make the same move.

Masked Beggar: Very astute.

A customer walks by and notices the three of them. They also notice that one of the two men is homeless. So she takes a dollar bill out of her purse and hands it to Beggar.

Masked Beggar: Thanks, ma’am.

Woman Customer: Just doing my part to help humanity.

She walks off feeling good about herself. Suddenly, the birds return to the store. Retail-Red goes off to battle them, leaving the two baggers alone.

Masked Bagger: Can we get back to the fight? I need to be home in an hour. There’s this really cute girl that always jogs by my house, and I want to be outside, shirtless, washing my car when she does.

Masked Beggar: Let’s fight!

He jumps on Bagger and they roll around on the floor, fighting. Masked Beggar takes another cart strap and wraps it around Bagger’s neck and tightens it. As our hero is dying, he hears “Georgia on my Mind” by Ray Charles on the radio and has a flashback…

(Ray Charles singing "Georgia on my Mind") https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZceOIAh1i0

FADE TO: - 1997 - Adam is sixteen years-old and watching a rerun of the great series “Quantum Leap,” in which “Georgia in my Mind” is playing during the final scene of the last episode. Adam gets a little emotional as he thinks to himself that he one day wants to do good just like Sam Beckett, and save people in trouble, and BOY does his throat hurt!

Suddenly, he’s back to being Masked Bagger, who’s being choked to death. He reaches inside his holster and grabs for his bag-gun, but confused, gets his spray bottle instead. This doesn’t phase him and Masked Bagger sprays Masked Beggar in the eyes. The villain lets go, and our hero removes the strap from around his neck, then turns the tables on him and wraps the strap around the neck of his nemesis. NOT intending to kill him, just trying to be even. As the baddie is struggling to stay alive, the same song connects to him as well and he begins to flashback.

FADE TO: - 1997 - Adam III has the same episode of “Quantum Leap” on the TV. However, instead of paying complete attention to it, he’s working on a device to open up doorways to other worlds. Mindy, his high school sweetheart, enters the room, proud of her boyfriend’s genius.

Teenage Mindy: How’s your invention coming along, sweetie?

Teenage Adam III: Spectacular. I should be sliding from world to world any day now.

Teenage Mindy: In that case, you’ve got the wrong show on.

She switches the channel to the TV series “Sliders.”

Teenage Adam III: Ah, yes. The show that gave me the idea to invent inter-dimensional travel. I just wish it wasn’t so poorly written.

Teenage Mindy: Some guys watch TV just for entertainment. Not *my* guy. He uses television to better improve not only his life, but humanity in general.

Teenage Adam III: I guess I’m one of a kind… and BOY does my throat hurt!

We’re back to the two Masked characters on the floor. The 717 Guardian lets go of the strap and quickly shoots Masked Beggar with the bag-gun. It’s over! Retail-Red returns from fighting off the birds and sees her fiancé has been bagged.

Masked Bagger: Suddenly, I’m in the mood to watch “Quantum leap.”

Retail-Red: Good show. I think I’d rather watch “Sliders” right now.

Masked Bagger: I’ve got it on DVD. Wanna come over to my house and watch a couple episodes? It could be our first date.

Retail-Red: I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

Masked Bagger: Classic Mindy.

CUT TO: The Professor has entered the lab from incarcerating Beggar. He spots Adam sitting there in deep thought.

Professor Tincher: Hey Adam. What are you thinking about?

Adam Hauck: I was just thinking if I grew a beard and my hair longer and I pretend to be a reformed Masked Beggar, maybe Mindy would fall for it, and make sweet love to me.

Professor Tincher: Doubtful.

Adam Hauck: Yeah, that makes sense.

Professor Tincher: Besides, is that really the way you want to get her, by deceit?

Adam Hauck: No, but I’m out of options here.

Mindy walks over to Adam.

Mindy Dalton: Adam, can we talk?

Adam Hauck: Of course.

Professor Tincher: I’ll leave you two alone.

He walks away.

Adam Hauck: What’s up?

Mindy Dalton: Since *other* Adam is here in the basement jail, I can’t go back to my home world. I mean, I *can* but I won’t.

Adam Hauck: This store would miss you if you left, anyway.

Mindy Dalton: But I *am* leaving.

Adam Hauck: What?

Mindy Dalton: I don’t want to be a cashier forever. I’m sticking with Kroger, but I need to move up in the company. So I’m going into management training.

Adam Hauck: You’re going to be a manager?

Mindy Dalton: Yes. Now that I know where my Adam is, I can focus on having a life here on Earth level two.

Adam Hauck: What about Retail-Red?

Mindy Dalton: She’s not needed. This store has Masked Bagger.

Adam Hauck: What can I say? I’m gonna miss you.

Mindy Dalton: I’m going to miss you, too. This has been an amazing year. I actually got to be a superhero. How awesome is that?

Adam Hauck: Pretty awesome. I ought to know. I’ve been one for two years. There’s nothing like it. I’m sorry that by my being Masked Bagger meant you had to lose your Adam to Kroger Devil, but I’m not sorry I came here.

Mindy Dalton: Nor should you be. You do a great job defending the store. You’ve saved my butt many times.

She pauses.

Mindy Dalton: Well once that I can remember.

Adam Hauck: You didn’t need saving most of the time. You’re pretty bad-ass. I fell into this gig. You were made for it.

She smiles.

Mindy Dalton: Well, this is it. I’m leaving now.

Adam Hauck: Can you do me a favor?

Mindy Dalton: What’s that?

Adam Hauck: Can you promise not to forget about me?

Mindy Dalton: I could never forget you, Adam.

Adam Hauck: Thanks… and… goodbye.

Mindy Dalton: Goodbye.

They hug, then she walks off. Professor Tincher returns.

Professor Tincher: She told you, huh?

Adam Hauck: You knew?

Professor Tincher: Of course. She told me a little bit ago. I’m the manager, after all.

Adam Hauck: This sucks. Mindy is leaving the store. Katie still finds me repulsive. I’m in a loveless marriage with Hailie. I just don’t know anymore.

Professor Tincher: Adam, think positive. It’s been a great year for the Masked Bagger - magnificent - one might say. I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens next in your career.

Adam Hauck: I never want to hear the word "magnificent" again. And as for what's gonna happen next... I'm sure I'm going to have plenty of adventures.

THE END… FOR THIS ISSUE!

Read "Masked Bagger Adventures" Coming Soon!