first and foremost, when i have a depressive episode, i don't want to feel better. i just don't care, i don't have the motivation, and besides i feel at home. i'm so used to feeling that way that the familiarity is comforting. i withdraw myself from everyone, speak just minimally when spoken to, reject all offers for them to do things for me. everything is sad to me. when i see things like kittens and smiling children, it breaks my heart because all i see is innocence and happiness waiting to be shattered. of course it hurts even more if i'm seeing that happen. more than anything, i completely obsess over death, and i have a big enough obsession even when i'm not depressed. i mostly think about suicide. when i should do it, how i would, what i would wear, what i would leave for my best friend, how various people would react to the news, who would come to my funeral, how my headstone would look. if there's anger mixed in with my depression, i usually think about homicide too. not against anyone innocent (i'd never even dream of doing something so deplorable), just specific people who have seriously wronged me. i don't think i'd ever do that though. i spend most of my time listening to songs about death and looking up real stories online about people dying. it makes me intrigued by the thought of my own death.
regarding the difference between clinical depression and ordinary sadness - you're right that sometimes it can be hard to tell when someone has dealt with a lot of hard things in their life. sadness is something we all feel when we experience loss, disadvantage or helplessness. depression is a chemical imbalance that causes those feelings all on its own, even though events like abuse and loss may accompany. i've had depression my whole life (diagnosed at 12) and it wasn't until shortly after my mom died that i started getting these extreme bouts. my dad's subsequent abuse also played a huge role. when i'd get depressed, i wasn't consciously upset "because" my mom wasn't here or my dad was bullying me, but they took a blow to my emotional instability, which is a bad combination with clinical depression.
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