... funny quotes.
I need funny quotes from movies, TV, interviews... anything you think is funny, post it here.

After a shopping trip at Saks Fifth Avenue:

"We had saks together. Was it as good for you as it was for me?" -Carson, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
-- Bob Hope

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-- Douglas Adams

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal!
-- Steven Wright

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-- Andy Rooney


D

Why is New Jersey called the Garden State? Cause it's too hard to fit 'Oil and Petro-Refinery State' on a license plate.
--Sandra Bullock Miss Congeniality

When he reached the New World, Cortez burned his ships. As a result his crew was well motivated.
--The Hunt For Red October

Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.
--Dave James

No, I'm from Iowa. I only work in outer space.
--Kirk Star Trek IV Voyage Home

Never judge a book by its movie.
--J. W. Eagan

Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
--Jay Leno

I live my life a quarter mile at a time.For those ten seconds or least I'm free nothing else matter
--Vin Diesel (The Fast & The Furious)




D

Originally posted by YearbookLoser
After a shopping trip at Saks Fifth Avenue:

"We had saks together. Was it as good for you as it was for me?" -Carson, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy :D :lol:

Another Fab 5 quote:

John (the straight man), Kyan and Carson are in the limo chatting:

Kyan: People say I look like Keanu Reeves
John: No way! I get that all the time!
Carson: People say I look like Ellen Degeneres!

:rofl::rofl:

Originally posted by ¤MsConanOBrien¤
:D :lol:

Another Fab 5 quote:

John (the straight man), Kyan and Carson are in the limo chatting:

Kyan: People say I look like Keanu Reeves
John: No way! I get that all the time!
Carson: People say I look like Ellen Degeneres!

:rofl::rofl:

:rotflmao: :rofl:

Originally posted by Miss Vicki
:rotflmao: :rofl: He really does!!

from "a chorus line":

Sheila: Can I sit in your lap?
Zach: Do you always come on like this?
Sheila: No. Sometimes I'm aggressive.


Bobby: I couldn't catch a ball if it had Elmer's Glue all over it. And my father had to be this ex-football star. He didn't know what to tell his friends, so he told them all I had Polio. On Father's Day, I used to limp for him.

Originally posted by Georgia's on my Mind
Bobby: I couldn't catch a ball if it had Elmer's Glue all over it. And my father had to be this ex-football star. He didn't know what to tell his friends, so he told them all I had Polio. On Father's Day, I used to limp for him. :rofl::rofl:

I have one!

"...Then this huge bolt of lightnin' sizzled across the sky and lit into the face of the clock. It was 11:29, next thing I knew, the minute hand came shootin' down like a flamin' arrow, right at me. Lord, 11:30, and I'd have been a goner!" Mama, after she finishes describing how she almost got killed.

Originally posted by ¤MsConanOBrien¤
He really does!!

:nod:

I think Kyan is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hot though. :eyes: :drool: :grineyes:

All from I Love The 80's Strikes Back -

"Hey, check out my purple and yellow Roos... wanna do it?" Michael Ian Black

"Oh, the funny uncle annoyed the sh*t out of me. It's like, you're not funny, you're not good looking, why are you on the show?" - Rachael Harris on Joey from Full House

"Superman needs to tap that ass!" - Michael Ian Black

"You know what you should do? Just shell out the 52 cents and buy one, all right!" - Donal Logue, when asked what he would do for a Klondike Bar

"Thorn Birds, so unrealistic. I mean, a priest falling in love? With a woman?" - Beth Littleford

"I'm sorry, but Gene Simmons is just one horrible looking Jewish man. And there are some pretty cute Jews out there *points to self*" - Michael Ian Black

"Let's wear sunglasses that make our faces look smaller cos this is the early 80's and small faces are in." - Hal Sparks

"The Invisible Man is doing Wonder Woman on the beach and Superman sees Wonder Woman and thinks, 'Look at Wonder Woman down there on the beach', so he flys down there to do her and the Invisible Man is like 'UGH!!!!!'" - Donal Logue

"Your dog doesn't give a sh*t about the spring shapes! He just wants the Snausage taste!!" - Donal Logue

"They were all like, 'HEEEEEEEEY!!' and you know, Fraggely" - Juliette Lewis on Fraggle Rock

"'Excuse me, there's an ariola in the shot!' 'I know... I know. Just keep going.'" - Donal Logue imitating the censors for Whitesnake's Here I Go Again video

Okay, I'll have more later. I gotta go watch my tapes again.

Here's some from Weekend Update on SNL :lol:

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "When voters in California went
to the polls Tuesday for the gubernatorial recall race, they found the
names of the 1 35 contenders on a ballot six pages long. Thus making
it the longest thing most Californians have ever read."

FEY: "In his first news conference after being elected Governor of
California, Arnold Schwarzenegger promised to 'clean house' in
Sacramento. He also threatened to molest the energy crisis and
date-rape the deficit."

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON : "For the first time, the
annual event Gay Day, in which homosexuals gather at Disneyland, was
held at EuroDisney in Paris. It was the largest gathering of gay men
in Paris since the day before."

FALLON: "A Harlem man, Antoine Yates, is recovering in a hospital after
being mauled by a pet 400-pound tiger which he was keeping in his
apartment. Thus delaying the opening of the new Las Vegas show
"Siegfried and Antoine."

FEY: "In an effort to improve her image, Shannen Doherty has signed on
to produce and act in a new sitcom about a young woman with a
reputation for being difficult and mean, but who is really kind at
heart. Doherty will play that woman's bitchy friend."

FEY: "Next month a flawless, $10 million diamond the size of a walnut
will go on auction at Sotheby's. And just in time, because Kobe
Bryant's wife has a birthday coming up."

FALLON: "Environmentalists announced this week that two dams on Maine's
Penobscot River are to be torn down in an effort to encourage salmon to
return to the river to spawn. Also encouraging salmon to
spawn...salmon porn."

FALLON: "Iraq awarded its first nation-wide mobile telephone licenses
to three Middle Eastern companies on Monday, saying service could begin
by the end of the month. This means Iraqis will soon be able to talk
anywhere, at any time...about how they have no water, electricity or
food."

FEY: "This is an odd story. Last weekend, a couple hiking on a remote
mountain in Sweden found 70 pairs of shoes, all filled with butter. To
see something like that here in America you would have to travel all
the way to Star Jones' closet."

More:

FEY: On Sunday, Al Gore called for the repeal for the US Patriot Act, and accused President Bush's administration of undermining civil liberties and exploiting public fears about terrorism. And then, as always, the cashier nodded and gave him his Big Mac.

FALLON: In a Veteran's Day speech this Tuesday, President Bush vowed, "we will finish the mission we have begun, period." Afterwards he was advised in the future he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.

FALLON: Christina Aguilera cancelled two concerts in England, saying that she has acute bronchitis. Actually, it used to be a-cute, now it's kind of a-skanky.

FEY: Shaun Shaun, a female giant panda was flown to Japan this week in hopes that she will mate with Ling Ling, the male panda at the Tokyo zoo. Biologists are optimistic because it's well known that Shuan Shuan is a slut. The mating of Ling Ling and Shuan Shuan was brokered by their friend Pimp Pimp.

FALLON: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs announced Tuesday that he will compete in the New York marathon in hopes of raising one million dollars for educational charities. Combs is not expected to make good time in the race, because it's very hard to run fast with Ashton Kutcher up his ass the whole time.

I love the P. Diddy and Ashton Kutcher one the best i think. and the al gore one, and the GWB one too! HECK THEY'RE ALL FUNNY!

from "Three's Company"

Chrissy- If you dont know then nobody knows but i know you know and you should know better.

o that's funny.
sorry that Kelly didn't win World Idol btw.

From "Cheers":

(to Carla) Lilith: listen up you Gargoyle! If you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again
I'll break off your extremities like a twig and feed them to you at gunpoint.

Carla: Now that was just plain rude!


Sam: Your're not the only victim...what about me?
Diane: What about you?
Sam: Well I know you didn't take this job becasue you wanted to be a waitress.
Diane: Certainly not...I wanted to explore and learn the American culture.
Sam: Bull..You wanted to explore Mount Sammy here.
Diane: What are you saying?
Sam: I'm saying you took this job cause I was here.. You had sex on your mind too.
Diane: That's not true..not entirely true.
Sam: How do you think it feels to know that the first time you saw me you undressed me with your eyes.
You have no regard for my dignity as a man, an employer and you continuely tell me I have the brain
of a cucumber...so what's left... you want your physical lust satisfied.... and that's where I come in....
*sulks his head down*

Diane: Methinks the man does protest too much.
Woody: Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks?"
Carla: Not in your case, Woody.

(after he walks into her room in her apartment)
Sam:This place is lousy with stuffed animals.
Diane:They're not stuffed animals they're my friends! Here let me introduce u to them. Mr. Jammers you've met, and um over here we have freddy frogbottom.
Sam: You named all these silly things?
Diane: uh uh uh! Don't call them Silly, Mr. Buzzer will Sting you!
Sam: Mr. Buzzer? don't tell me let me guess, that must be the bee right? Boy this is definatly weird Diane.

those are funny!
















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