The Christmas Thread [Archive] - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

david&maddie4ever

12-01-2003, 11:10 PM

Got this off some weird site. :D It's Barbie's letter to Santa:

"Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for Christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie"

~Lauren

:sheep

*Pleasant Tomorrow*

12-01-2003, 11:22 PM

Originally posted by david&maddie4ever
Got this off some weird site. :D It's Barbie's letter to Santa:

"Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for Christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie"

~Lauren

:sheep

:lol: :p

Janice

12-01-2003, 11:30 PM

david&maddie4ever

12-01-2003, 11:49 PM

Another funny one from the same weirdo site:

Twelve days - Revised Policy

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French. :rolleyes:

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order.

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one.

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement.

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line.

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

~Lauren

:sheep

dandelion wine

12-02-2003, 01:52 AM

:santa:

Janice

12-02-2003, 02:18 AM

Penny Lane

12-02-2003, 04:20 PM

Good old Ralphie!:lol:

pandora_spocks

12-02-2003, 05:12 PM

Originally posted by little insomniac
:santa:

oOo thats a pretty pic. where did you find that?

Janice

12-03-2003, 01:42 PM

Oh Baby!

dandelion wine

12-03-2003, 05:28 PM

Originally posted by pandora_spocks
oOo thats a pretty pic. where did you find that?

If you go to www.bowcreek.com (watch out for the pop-ups!), you'll find an entire section for Christmas cards. There are some really beautiful ones. :)

---

Subject: A Southern Christmas gets out-sourced
Subject: Preparation for Christmas
To: All Parents
cc: Good little boys and girls
From: Santa Claus
Re: Contract Negotiations, NORTH POLE

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan and Montana. As part of the new and
better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies
so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there are a few differences between us. Such as:

1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the
Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba
Claus, Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus,
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves
Local #209

TJL

12-03-2003, 09:12 PM

I'm giving these to everyone on my list!
;)

Brent88

12-03-2003, 09:36 PM

Originally posted by AKA
Santa sends out cards when he gets lonely.

OMG... my eyes(well it could have been worse) :eek: :eek: :eek:

TJL... I'm speechless.:lol:

theanswerman

12-04-2003, 09:11 PM

come and get a piece

Penny Lane

12-06-2003, 01:05 PM

:tree: :santa2: :cc: :stocking: :santa: :frosty: :rednose: present:

Janice

12-06-2003, 01:30 PM

Here's a couple of Santa's helpers. :santa2:

Cactus Jack

12-06-2003, 01:36 PM

Why did Santa Claus go to the hardware store?

To get a hoe, hoe, hoe

Penny Lane

12-06-2003, 01:37 PM

Originally posted by Janice
Here's a couple of Santa's helpers. :santa2:

Janice! Who gave you my picture!?;)

Penny Lane

12-06-2003, 01:39 PM

Originally posted by King Juke "N" Jive
Why did Santa Claus go to the hardware store?

To get a hoe, hoe, hoe

GROANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN..........................:lol:

Janice

12-06-2003, 01:39 PM

Originally posted by Penny Lane
Janice! Who gave you my picture!?;)
Marlene, let's be honest. That's you and me in the picture. Your blonde hair looks great. ;)

Penny Lane

12-06-2003, 01:44 PM

Originally posted by Janice
Marlene, let's be honest. That's you and me in the picture. Your blonde hair looks great. ;)

Thanks! :lol:

How much snow have you guys got out there? The storm missed us! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:clap:

Janice

12-06-2003, 01:47 PM

Originally posted by Penny Lane
How much snow have you guys got out there? The storm missed us! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:clap:
Lucky you! It's really coming down hard here in Beantown. I think we're getting a foot, but a little farther out, they're expecting 2 feet.

I'll be online all weekend. :happyface

fr00ti

12-06-2003, 01:49 PM

:stocking:

:D

*Pleasant Tomorrow*

12-06-2003, 02:31 PM

TJL

12-06-2003, 08:18 PM

Originally posted by Janice
Here's a couple of Santa's helpers. :santa2:

Oh please let me get the one that's been naughty...

;)

Janice

12-06-2003, 08:21 PM

double post

Janice

12-06-2003, 08:22 PM

Originally posted by TJL
Oh please let me get the one that's been naughty...
Well....they know if you've been naugthy or nice, and if you've been naughty....it's spankin' time. ;)

TJL

12-06-2003, 08:23 PM

Originally posted by Janice
Well....they know if you've been naughy or nice, and if you've been naughty....it's spankin' time. ;)

God Bless us, everyone.

;)

Janice

12-06-2003, 08:33 PM

Janice

12-06-2003, 08:38 PM

TJL

12-06-2003, 08:46 PM

Janice, you're repeating yourself.

TJL

12-06-2003, 08:47 PM

Janice, you're repeating yourself.

;)

Janice

12-06-2003, 08:48 PM

Originally posted by TJL
Janice, you're repeating yourself.

LOL, are the comics coming up double? My computer is psycho.

TJL

12-06-2003, 08:54 PM

Originally posted by Janice
LOL, are the comics coming up double? My computer is psycho.

They were the same comic a few minutes ago. I must be delirious from the Robitussin.

:drool:

Penny Lane

12-06-2003, 08:55 PM

Originally posted by TJL
God Bless us, everyone.

;)

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Kitt

12-06-2003, 08:55 PM

Originally posted by Janice
LOL, psycho.
Oh, oh.

Kitt

12-06-2003, 08:56 PM

Originally posted by Janice
LOL, psycho.
Oh, oh.

Janice

12-07-2003, 08:01 PM

My Christmas cat, Foxy. :)

Penny Lane

12-07-2003, 08:39 PM

Janice

12-07-2003, 08:46 PM

That is beautiful Marlene.

Penny Lane

12-08-2003, 02:24 PM

Originally posted by Janice
That is beautiful Marlene.

Thanks!I saved it from another website. Volsgals Desktop Themes. There are some very cool and cute themes there! :)

TJL

12-08-2003, 05:48 PM

Originally posted by Janice
My Christmas cat, Foxy. :)

Do you take Foxy out once a year with all the decorations?

;)

wizard12

12-08-2003, 08:01 PM

http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm

Can't get enough of this site. Funny...and kinda mean too.:p

HIGH ENOUGH

12-08-2003, 08:30 PM

Originally posted by wizard12
http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm

Can't get enough of this site. Funny...and kinda mean too.:p

LMAO!

Babes_Cat

12-08-2003, 08:50 PM

Hm.... what do you get an ex-boyfriend turned friend turned friend with benefits almost? .... lol, its complicated.

Janice

12-09-2003, 03:36 PM

Kitt

12-09-2003, 05:08 PM

Christmas Crime

Babes_Cat

12-09-2003, 05:36 PM

Originally posted by Kitt
Christmas Crime *gasps*

Janice

12-09-2003, 06:18 PM

Originally posted by Kitt
Christmas Crime
:lol:

The Modfather

12-09-2003, 06:20 PM

Originally posted by Kitt
Christmas Crime

LOL

TJL

12-09-2003, 07:43 PM

I've been working on a massive Mall renovation project for several months now, and wouldn't you know it, the day after Thanksgiving, they started piping in Christmas music over the new sound system.

So after hearing dozens of versions of the same classic Christmas carols, I've decided to write a version myself.

(To the tune of "My Favorite Things.")

Uncut "MASH" reruns, bars with a pool table,
Drunk hotel heiresses naked on cable.
J-Lo when she's acting, but not when she sings,

These are a few of my favorite things!

Drinking with good friends all over Manhattan,
Classic guy movies like "Braveheart" and "Patton."
Girls with no issues who hate wedding rings,

These are a few of my favorite things!

That's all I have for now. Songwriting is hard. How does Britney do it?

Feel free to join in with more verses.

;)

Penny Lane

12-09-2003, 08:45 PM

Originally posted by TJL
I've been working on a massive Mall renovation project for several months now, and wouldn't you know it, the day after Thanksgiving, they started piping in Christmas music over the new sound system.

So after hearing dozens of versions of the same classic Christmas carols, I've decided to write a version myself.

(To the tune of "My Favorite Things.")

Uncut "MASH" reruns, bars with a pool table,
Drunk hotel heiresses naked on cable.
J-Lo when she's acting, but not when she sings,

These are a few of my favorite things!

Drinking with good friends all over Manhattan,
Classic guy movies like "Braveheart" and "Patton."
Girls with no issues who hate wedding rings,

These are a few of my favorite things!

That's all I have for now. Songwriting is hard. How does Britney do it?

Feel free to join in with more verses.

;)

:clap: :dance: :notworthy

Janice

12-10-2003, 12:33 AM

Originally posted by TJL
So after hearing dozens of versions of the same classic Christmas carols, I've decided to write a version myself.
Very good. Very funny. :lol:

MandieR1980

12-10-2003, 01:13 AM

Desktop

Janice

12-10-2003, 01:40 AM

Mandie, that's Poohtiful. :)

Janice

12-10-2003, 01:42 AM

Originally posted by TJL
Girls with no issues who hate wedding rings
Good luck on that one. You'd be better off setting your sites on finding Bin Laden or Saddam--much easier to find. ;)

Penny Lane

12-10-2003, 02:00 PM

:tree: :santa2: :cc: :santa: :stocking: present:

PZelda

12-10-2003, 02:35 PM

Originally posted by wizard12
http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm

Can't get enough of this site. Funny...and kinda mean too.:p

OMG :rofl: Somebody at another message board I go to posted that same link! I showed it to my mom when I first found it, and we were both laughing soooo hard. :lol:

PZelda

12-10-2003, 02:37 PM

Originally posted by Kitt
Christmas Crime

:lol: I should go find the snowmen Calvin & Hobbes cartoons they had...Calvin was sooo cruel. :lol:

Edit...

http://www.alloftheabove.net/images/CAHR/snow_art/snowmen-6.gif
http://www.concentric.net/~Noshadow/CHsnow/snowmen-10.gif

(Watch....Slow animation...)

http://pavlov.psyc.queensu.ca/~avolk/snowmen8a.gif

*Pleasant Tomorrow*

12-10-2003, 05:32 PM

Originally posted by Kitt
Christmas Crime

:lol:

*Pleasant Tomorrow*

12-10-2003, 05:32 PM

Originally posted by wizard12
http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm

Can't get enough of this site. Funny...and kinda mean too.:p

It's fun skaking the people up :lol:

HIGH ENOUGH

12-10-2003, 08:06 PM

TJL

12-11-2003, 09:38 PM

"A J.Crew Christmas" by TJL

Without a doubt my favorite time of year, and I’m sure you will all agree, is Christmas.
Oh how I look forward to buttoning up my Chamois colored Italian Suede Car Coat and hopping into my Saab 9000 with my brother Chad and my sister Chandler for our annual pilgrimage to Connecticut to spend the holiday with our beloved father and his new wife Sandi (with a i).
Oh how I look forward to sitting in front of a roaring fire, my feet warm as toast in my Tipped Wool Socks, with Father and Sandy (San, for short) discussing what College she’ll be attending in the Fall after she graduates High School.
And those chilly mornings wrapped in my fluffy Fleece Robe, helping Chandler prepare her famous Eggs Benedict with chocolate chip croissants. “Don’t use too much Cumin,” she chides, padding across the floor in her Shearling Slippers. Oh, that Chandler, I sigh to myself, marveling at how well she’s doing now that she’s back on Lithium.
Then it’s off into the forest with dear brother Chad to find the perfect Christmas tree. Our Gore-Tex Summit Parkas and Flannel Lined Cargos keep the chilly winds at bay as we trudge back to the house with our evergreen prize, discussing with Chad how those years in prison have strengthened his character.
As we gather in the living room in our Handknit Nordic Yolk Sweaters to decorate the tree, sipping mold wine while Father’s housekeeper Juanita prepares our Christmas eve dinner, we can’t help but think this is the way Christmas should always be.
The fire crackles away as we take turns talking to mother on the phone, who loved the Cashmere Ribbed Turtleneck we sent, and making plans for the new year when she returns from her “rest” in Palm Springs.
God Bless us, everyone.

TJL's new novel, “Why Girls Won't Talk To Me,” will be published in 2004.

;)

Kitt

12-11-2003, 10:13 PM

Originally posted by TJL
"A J.Crew Christmas" by TJL

;) All right TJL. :) You've been adoring those 'shiny, happy catalog people? The ones that have just about everything. Strong jaws and shoulders. Fluffy, flowing hair. Petite little .... Yeah,,, those shiny happy people.
:)

Janice

12-12-2003, 02:09 PM

Santa's looking for your house.

Janice

12-12-2003, 02:11 PM

Originally posted by TJL
"A J.Crew Christmas" by TJL
This is probably the funniest thing you've ever written on this site. Will you start submitting this stuff somewhere already.
It's really really funny. :lol:

Janice

12-12-2003, 02:21 PM

TJL

12-12-2003, 06:07 PM

Originally posted by Janice
This is probably the funniest thing you've ever written on this site. Will you start submitting this stuff somewhere already.
It's really really funny. :lol:

Why thank you.

Actually I wrote that a long time ago. The original version featured L.L Bean merchandise.

I think in 2004 I will finally get some sort of web page up and running.

;)

Mr. Stefani

12-13-2003, 12:12 AM

This is my calander picture for this month. It makes me laugh.

Brian

12-13-2003, 08:37 PM

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20031213/od_nm/odd_carols_dc_1

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Five hundred nineteen Christmas carolers braved the New York cold and fa-la-la-la-la'd themselves into the Guinness World Records Book on Saturday with the largest carol service, breaking the previous record of 517.

Reuters Photo

"My fingers froze but, hey, we broke the record," said city resident Norman Ellis who joined the sing-along on the steps of Manhattan's General Post Office across the street from Madison Square Garden.

Guinness officials had 12 marshals on the scene to make sure all carolers were actually singing and not just moving their lips to traditional Christmas songs such as Jingle Bells and Deck the Halls.

Guinness required that all participants knew the words to the carols and that the singing went on for at least 15 uninterrupted minutes. Saturday's effort lasted 16 minutes and 17 seconds.

"It was great," said Alex Camacho of Long Island, who sang along with his wife and children. "It just gets you into the Christmas spirit."

Janice

12-14-2003, 02:53 AM

MandieR1980

12-14-2003, 02:51 PM

http://web.icq.com/shockwave/0,,4845,00.swf

Kitt

12-15-2003, 01:42 PM

Christmas Tidings From Frostie

Janice

12-15-2003, 03:29 PM

Originally posted by Kitt
Christmas Tidings From Frostie
Thanks a lot Kitt. I used to love marshmallows. ;)

:snowman3:

PashminaDietrich

12-17-2003, 09:05 PM

The trend in Christmas choral concerts this year -- at least in Dallas -- is to sing "The First Noel" to the tune of "Pachelbel's Canon." The Jim R. Henderson Garland Chorale sang it, the J.C. Penney corporate headquarters chorus, the Pen-Tones sang it at the company luncheon (according to a buddy of mine), the Turtle Creek Chorale sang it... you get the idea.

Speaking of the Tutrle Creek Chorale, the part of their concert that got the most attention was the "Santas Gone Wild":

http://www.turtlecreek.org/history/events/holiday2003/images/hc03_03.jpg

Janice

12-18-2003, 02:15 AM

SANTA CLAUS: AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE

Not quite "Twas the Night Before Christmas", but definitely an interesting perspective on what Santa's busiest day of the year entails. SANTA CLAUS: AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney,fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now sorry.... Merry Christmas!

Janice

12-18-2003, 02:17 AM

Originally posted by PashminaDietrich
the Pen-Tones sang it at the company luncheon
:lol: Not exactly the Chippendales.

Janice

12-18-2003, 02:18 AM

EVEN SANTA HAS PROBLEMS

dandelion wine

12-19-2003, 01:29 AM

:candle:

http://holidays.blastcomm.com/

Janice

12-21-2003, 01:38 AM

LILFACE23

12-21-2003, 01:59 AM

Originally posted by little insomniac
:candle:

http://holidays.blastcomm.com/

Kate, that was so nice. ;)

Janice

12-21-2003, 02:12 AM

Originally posted by little insomniac
:candle:

http://holidays.blastcomm.com/
That is so beautiful. :tree:

dandelion wine

12-21-2003, 02:20 AM

Originally posted by LILFACE23
Kate, that was so nice. ;)

Originally posted by Janice
That is so beautiful. :tree:

Thank you, Krista and Janice. A friend of mine emailed that to me, and I wanted to share with y'all. I know I haven't commented on all the pictures and such, but I'm enjoying them. :)

TJL

12-21-2003, 12:29 PM

:candle:
A YULETIDE POEM
Hideously butchered By TJL

Twas the night before Christmas, I was alone in the house,
Not a creature was stirring, cause I killed that damn mouse.
When all of a sudden, there was a noise outside.
Like any concerned citizen, I started to hide.
But I looked out the window, and what did I see?
Jolly ol' Saint Nick, he was waving at me!
His reindeer had left him, he could not move his sled.
"Have a beer man, relax," is all that I said.
He cried "I need to get going. Can you help me please?"
I replied "Here, take my truck," and I tossed him the keys.
In no time the truck was loaded, Santa was ready to go.
I asked him to fill the tank, gas sure aint cheap, you know.
As he roared out of sight, it was obvious to me,
I could make a fast buck! Sell the story to NBC!

;)

Janice

12-21-2003, 01:25 PM

Un-Bear-ably Cute

HIGH ENOUGH

12-21-2003, 01:51 PM

Originally posted by little insomniac
:candle:

http://holidays.blastcomm.com/

Neat. :thumbsup:

Penny Lane

12-22-2003, 12:59 PM

Merry Christmas Tree!:tree:

Janice

12-22-2003, 02:17 PM

Originally posted by TJL
A YULETIDE POEM
:lol:
You're all heart. :santa2:

Janice

12-22-2003, 05:31 PM

This is an actual Christmas card that troops in Iraq are sending home.

musicradio77

12-22-2003, 10:10 PM

A picture I took from my webcam. This was a message that it was used at the end of an episode of "Full House" called "Arrest Ye Merry Gentleman".

Janice

12-25-2003, 02:08 AM

Merry Christmas to all my good friends here on Sitcoms Online. :candle:

dandelion wine

12-25-2003, 02:14 AM

Here's wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas. :santa:

Fleet

12-25-2003, 08:38 PM

Recorded in 1963...

TJL

12-26-2003, 09:15 PM

Here's hoping everyone got what they wanted for Christmas.
I know I did...

;)

#1_Nancy_McKeon

12-26-2003, 09:23 PM

Originally posted by TJL
Here's hoping everyone got what they wanted for Christmas.
I know I did...

;)

LOL!! Something tells me you and your 'Girl' aren't going to be able to share clothes like the commercials advertise.

TJL

12-27-2003, 06:29 AM

Originally posted by #1_Nancy_McKeon
LOL!! Something tells me you and your 'Girl' aren't going to be able to share clothes like the commercials advertise.

:lol:

One of my New Year's resolutions is to make it into a size one...

;)

Janice

12-27-2003, 12:49 PM

Originally posted by TJL
Here's hoping everyone got what they wanted for Christmas.
I know I did...
Does she come already blown up or did you use a bicycle pump?

J/K. The doll is very cute....a gift for your adorable niece no doubt. You're a cutie too Tom. You remind me of Robert Downey Jr., which is a compliment because I love his looks.

You've never stumbled in a neighbor's bed in a stupor, have
you? <-------(reference to one of Downey's ecapades)

TJL

12-27-2003, 01:55 PM

Originally posted by Janice
Does she come already blown up or did you use a bicycle pump?

J/K. The doll is very cute....a gift for your adorable niece no doubt. You're a cutie too Tom. You remind me of Robert Downey Jr., which is a compliment because I love his looks.

You've never stumbled in a neighbor's bed in a stupor, have
you? <-------(reference to one of Downey's ecapades)

:lol:
Actually that picture was taken two Christmases ago.
My sister and I couldn't get over how incredibly creepy that doll was, so the least I could do was have a little fun before Barbie was given to my niece.

We had a lot of laughs about that doll that Christmas, and I thought I would share the most bizarre photo I ever took with the good folks at Sitcoms Online.

That pic always cracks me up.

;)