RATING: PG (Just because it involves mature themes, but it isn't an "adult" fic)
DISTRIBUTION: Located on my website, Squeaky’s, LW’s, Kai and FG’s archives so far; any other archives are welcome to ask, but disclaimers must be included, my email left intact. send a URL, and provide full disclaimers as well as credit me fully. Please inform me if you are going to submit my work to any sort of search engine. Â Please do not submit my work to a search engine that picks out random sets of words and uses them as key words, such as "Google"
Please contact me in order for this story to be placed on an archive, or if you want know of a friend who would enjoy my works, please email me their adress and I will mail them the stories, expressly for the purpose of link trading. MiSTiers are welcomed! Please do inform me that you'd like to do the MiSTing, however, and send me a copy of the finished product. I'd also love to archive any MiSTings that are made of my work!
NOTES: The plot changed a wee bit in mid-stream, but I think it came out fairly funny.
CATEGORY: L&L romance, S&C Romance, humor
FEEDBACK: PLEASE?!
SPOILLER/SUMMARY: Directly set after "Lenny's Crush"; when the girls take a magazine quiz, they discover who their alleged 'soul mates' really are; for better or worse...

****

(Set right after the "Lenny's Crush" episode 304.)

(ACT 1:-Scene, Exterior, Knapp Street building. It's night. We hear the show's familiar cheerful incidental music as we zoom in on the girls' lamplit living room windows).

(Interior-girls' apartment. We see Shirley in her bathrobe reclining on the sofa; she holds a magazine in one hand, a pencil in the other and appears to be very engrossed in whatever it is that she's doing).

(Enter Laverne, who slams the front door open. She huffs and pants, her eyes wide and furious, before whipping off her mud-stained slicker {Which only succeeds in a few moments of struggle before she rends the piece of clothing in two} and stalking to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her).

SHIRLEY: -without looking up, and while leisurely turning a page in her magazine-: "Laverne, don't slam the door. You'll wake everyone in the building."

(Laverne's answer is a series of short, loud slamming noises. Shirley's ability to concentrate deteriorates until she finally gives up and follow's Laverne's path to the bedroom.)

(Cut-Int. Girl's bedroom. Laverne is oblivious to Shirley's presence as she unceremoniously tosses a series of objects into a cardboard box. We can make out a rose, a stuffed teddy bear, two restaurant menus and a candle that's been burned to near-nothingness as they land in the box with great flourish).

SHIRLEY -making a face at the noise-: "Laverne? Laverne?"

(Laverne ignores her completely, folding the tops of the box closed and storming out of the bedroom)

(Cut-Int.Living Room. Laverne crosses it, her anger evident in every stride. Shirley follows her, holding her robe together with one hand and reaching to grab Laverne's shoulder with the other. She finally catches up with her at the dumbwaiter, which Laverne opens. She places the box inside of it and bends down, sticking her head up the shaft).

LAVERNE -yelling up the dumbwaiter-: "Lenny! Squiggy!"

BOTH BOYS -whiny-: "What?"

LAVERNE: "Here's some stuff for ya! Have fun!"

BOTH BOYS -childlike-: "Oooh!"

(Laverne slams the dumbwaiter closed with a satisfied smirk. She looks up and sees Shirley standing before her with arms crossed.)

SHIRLEY: "What was all of that about?"

LAVERNE -evasively-: "Ahh, nothin..Just gettin' rid of some trash..."

SHIRLEY: -frowning-: "But I thought I saw the roses Rusty gave you last week in that box..." -realization dawns- "Oh no..don't tell me...You went out with Rusty last night..."

LAVERNE -tense-: "Ohh, we went out alright...Right out th' window."

SHIRLEY -gossipy-: "Vernie, what happened?"

LAVERNE -as she walks to the couch-: "We went to Houlihan's Red Hots; that new hot dog stand? And the whole time we were there he made me sit on the roof of the car and hold the wieners while he flirted with our car hop."

SHIRLEY -disdainfully-: "The Cad!"

LAVERNE: "Then we went to the movies. Elizabeth Taylor, Rock Hudson; everyone else in the place is makin' out, and Rusty's sittin there sayin' 'Boy, too bad you ain't like that Liz Taylor. She's got curves that go on alll day.." -makes sarcastic smoochy, sucking noises similar to the kind Squiggy makes when he sees a 'hot girl' as she gestures in mid-air, recreating Liz's curves-

SHIRLEY -with nose curled up disdainfully-: "Sounds like Rusty was on a date with his own imagination, eh?"

-Laverne nods and frowns, walking to the refrigerator door and withdrawing two objects; a glass bottle of milk and a smaller bottle of Pepsi-

LAVERNE: "I told him ta take me home. Didn't even get to see the end of the movie."

SHIRLEY: "You wouldn't like it anyway. Liz leaves Rock for Henry Fonda.." -Shirley slaps her own hand over her mouth, guilty at having revealed the ending-

-Laverne looks up from the making of her concoction- LAVERNE: "Ya ruined the endin', Shirl! The only good thing about the whole date was the movie, and now..."

-they begin to argue, their voices meshing into one entity so that it's impossible to tell what they're shouting at one another. The argument lasts for a few moments and finally ends when Laverne's voice overtakes Shirley's in volume-

LAVERNE: "Ah, forgetit, Shirl. I ain't mad at ya. I was just hopeful that me an' Rusty'd get along good."

SHIRLEY: -calming down-: "I could have told you that boy was bad news... Well, I could have told you that wouldn't happen, just looking at him. Not every man is a certified Prince Charming."

-The Front Door Slams Open-

SQUIGGY: Hello!

-the boys stroll into the apartment, carrying a few items from the box Laverne had left in the dumbwaiter. Squiggy's picking his teeth with the stem of the dried rose, and Lenny's holding something behind his back, and trying to look very inconspicuous and innocent while doing it-

SHIRLEY -while wearing a disgusted expression-: "That's not a toothpick, Squig," She reaches to pull the rose from between his teeth-

LAVERNE: "It is now; I told them they can do anything they want with it. And if Squig wants to pick his teeth with that rose, it's his right."

SHIRLEY -whiny-: "But it's a rose! A beautiful rose..."

LAVERNE: "It WAS a rose, Shirl. Now it's just a dead, dried-up thing."

SQUIGGY: "Are we talkin' about Shirley's love life again?"

-Shirley glares venomously at Squiggy, who tries to hide behind an unusually argumentative Lenny. He won't let his best friend hide behind him, and the two get into a brief shouting match. Laverne thrusts herself between them and interrupts-

LAVERNE: "Quit it!! Quit it!" -they reluctantly quit arguing. Lenny keeps his arms behind his back the entire time- "What're you doing here, fellas?"

LENNY: -intentionally innocent-: "Nothin'..." -he rocks back and forth on his heels, arm still clasped behind his back-

-Laverne tilts her head and watches Lenny, quite sure he's hiding something from her-

SQUIGGY: -taking the rose from his mouth-: "What Lenny here was trying to say was that we wanna thank you for alla this neat junk you sent."

LENNY: "Yeah, so how's Friday?"

-both girls are obviously confused. They exchange a wary glance-

LAVERNE: "Friday?"

SQUIGGY: "Yeah, Friday! That's when The Rialto's putting on Dr. Ognaki's Monsterfest!"

LENNY: "Twelve Hours a' Baugaron, Mothera, Zigra, Gamera..."

LAVERNE -springing up from her seat at the kitchen counter-: "And Godzilla?!"

LENNY: -giving her a ****-eyed look-: "What kinda respectable Monsterfest would it be without Big G?"

-Shirley's clearly horrified, while Laverne actually looks excited-

SHIRLEY -shifting her stance and trying to seem more interested-: "What brought on this attack of niceness, boys?"

LENNY -insistant-: "I toldya, we wanna thank you fer all of this neat junk."

SQUIGGY -interrupting-: "Yeah, and I figgered you needed yer brains lifted after Rusty dumped ya tonight.."

-It dawns on Shirley that Laverne's been lying to her, at least about how the breakup occurred. Laverne's own expression is implacable; she tries to hide her inner turmoil from Shirley but instantly melts under her incredulous scrutiny-

LENNY: -cutting him off-: "Wadidya say that for!"

LAVERNE -angered-: "How did ya know about that?!"

LENNY -guilty-: "Well, anyone coulda heard ya yellin' at that Weenie place!"

SQUIGGY: "Yeah, all of that screamin' gave Francine a noseache. She made me take 'er home early."

LAVERNE: -as she walks from behind the counter and pokes Lenny in the chest-: "What's the big idea, followin' me on a date here?!"

LENNY -smugly-: "We wasn't followin' ya." -smugness fades- "Francine wanted hot weiners, so I had ta get 'em for her."

LAVERNE -confused-: "I thought Francine's Squiggy's girl."

LENNY: "That's why I had ta get em, Squig was too busy makin' out with her."

SQUIG -with perverse joy-: "Yeah, too bad she didn't come through with that date for ya."

LENNY: "Eh, it's alright. I didn't wanna make out too much tonight, anyway."

LAVERNE -sighing-: "Len, I don't think it's a good idea for us to go out. I don't think yer over the crush you had on me yet."

LENNY: "Well, it don't have to be romantic 're nothin. We can just be friends goin' to the movies, like last time."

(Laverne turns her head and starts to mull this over. In the background, Squiggy and Shirley are fighting over the rose, which, in the middle of their tug-of-war over it, disintegrates.)

SHIRLEY: "Look what you did to it!"

SQUIGGY: "Waddya mean me?! You was the one yankin' on it! Now my thumb's all shredded!"

SHIRLEY: "Let me see," -He gives her his hand-, "Squiggy, there's one little thorn in your thumb!"

SQUIGGY -"cleverly"-: "Yer holdin' my hand, Shirl. That means ya like me!" -he bends forward and kisses it-

-Shirley's face contorts in near-pain and she lets out a high-pitched squeal-

-cut to Laverne and Lenny-'

LAVERNE: "Just as friends?"

LENNY: "Just as friends."

LAVENE -playfully-: "Waddya got hidin' behind your back?"

LENNY -childishly, hiding his hand-; "I ain't tellin'."

-She stops mulling it over and smiles-

LAVERNE: "OK. Eight on Friday?"

LENNY; "Eight on Friday," -over his shoulder as he turns to leave; Laverne follows him, almost hypnotically- "C'mon, Squig, I've gotta start marinatin' the pig snouts if I want 'em ready by then."

SQUIGGY -dropping Shirley's hand like a bad habit and spoken as he crosses the room and exits the apartment-: "Len, ya fool; anyone knows that pig snouts needta be marinated for a whole week before ya eat 'em."

LENNY: "Not the way I make em!" -he turns to Laverne and finally hands her what he'd been holding the entire time; her stuffed pony, which apparently had gone out by mistake- "This is for you." -they share an affectionate look before Lenny closes the door behind him-

-Laverne's expression is positively misty; she looks down at the stuffed pony and then hugs it to her chest-

LAVERNE: -bashfully-"Awww..." -she sees Shirley, who looks catatonic and is holding her hand out in front of her as though she might want to wrench her own arm from it's socket-

LAVERNE: -more sympathetically- "Awww..."

(FADE OUT)

(Scene 2, Act 1: EXT. Pizza Bowl, )

LAVERNE -VO-; "I dunno, Shirl.."

(INT. Pizza Bowl; the girls are sitting at their usual table and are wearing their bowling shirts)

SHIRLEY -holding the same magazine from the previous scene-: "Oh, come on! It'll be fun!"

LAVENE -making a disgusted face-: "I don't really put much trust in them magazine quizzes, Shirl."

SHIRLEY -shaking her head-: "Laverne, Laverne, Laverne...This doesn't mean anything! It's just a silly, trifling little quiz to pass the time while we wait for Terri Buffafuco to show up!"

LAVERNE -sighing-: "All right; what's this thing called?"

SHIRLEY -reading-: "Your Soulmate: How to identify the man of your dreams in five easy steps with our quiz!"

LAVERNE -nervously-: "Shirl!"

SHIRLEY: "Oh, don't be a stick in the mud...Let's see, question number one: which of the following seasons do you preffer: Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall, or Hunting Season?"

LAVERNE: -slightly confused-: "Summer."

SHIRLEY: -checking something off with a pen-: "Oh,.kay...that's a b...There we go! Question number two; Do you like your men A, Tall, B, Handsome C, Dark or D, Unemployed?"

LAVERNE: -thoughtfully-: "A."

SHIRLEY: -marking the option-: "OK, there we go..Question Three: which member of your immediate family or close family circle would you prefer your significant other to act just like? A, your best friend, B, Your parent or parents, C, your beautician, or D, your accountant."

LAVERNE: -slowly, more reluctantly-: "Uhhh...B."

-Shirley starts to mark it, then realizes what Laverne's just said-

SHIRLEY: "B?! You want to marry a man who yells at you constantly and calls you 'muffin'?!"

LAVERNE -reluctantly-: "Well, I don't wanna marry a beautician! I don't even have one of 'em! And accountants are always chewin' on the ends of pens, and that drives me nuts!"

SHIRLEY -wildly-: "Am I chopped liver?!"

LAVERNE: "Shirl, ya know you're my best friend and all, but...well, marryin' a guy like you would just...make ya seem less special! I wouldn't ever wanna do that to ya!"

SHIRLEY -suspiciously-: "Really?"

LAVERNE: -simply-: "Yeah! Now, what's the next question?"

SHIRLEY -reading-: "Question 4: name your favorite type of dog: A), Laborador, B) Golden Retriever, C) Basset Hound, and D) Dalmation."

LAVERNE -smiling-: "Basset hounds're the ones with the cute, floppy ears, right?"

SHIRLEY: "They do have them, but that could describe any breed of dog out there."

LAVERNE: -defensively-: "C."

SHIRLEY -as she marks it off-: "Question 5, the final question: If your man could be any tree, what kind of tree would he be? A) Maple, B) Oak, C) Sumac or D): Anything with sap in it."

LAVERNE -puzzled-; "What kinda question is that? Lemme see that!" -Shirley shows her the magazine-"Waddya know, sap."

SHIRLEY -taking the magazine back-: "I need an answer, Laverne."

LAVERNE -frustrated-: "Ugh, I dunno...D?"

SHIRLEY: -marking it down-: "OK, now I just need to add up all of your points.." -she starts adding together-: "And divide by two...round up..translate them into letters..." -Shirley turns pale and tries to hide the magazine- "I don't think you're strong enough to see this, Laverne."

LAVERNE: -frowning-: "Waddya mean?! You said it was just a silly little quiz!"

SHIRLEY: -laughing frantically-: "Did I say that? I meant it was a <B>Terribly</b> important, life-changing quiz! One that, if you saw the answers to it, would alter the very fabric of your life!"

LAVERNE -grabbing for the magazine-: "Gimmie that!"

(They wrestle for it briefly, managing to knock over the beers they'd had on the table. As Shirley leaps out of her seat to prevent her new bowling shirt from getting stained, Laverne triumphantly grabs the magazine out of her hand and take a good look at it.)

LAVERNE -nonplussed-: "Shirl, all this says is that my soulmate was born in October!"

SHIRLEY -wailing-: "I know that! That's why I didn't want you to see it!" -overly dramatic-: "I tried to protect you, Laverne!"

LAVENE -still not very impressed-: "Shirl, this quiz is a buncha baloney! We don't even know anyone who was born in October!"

SHIRLEY -stiffly-: "What's Lenny's birthday?"

LAVERNE -naturally-: "October Eight, 193..."

(she trails off and her eyes bulge out. She turns and stares back over her seat to several tables behind them, where Lenny's trying to sucessfully perform a "double-foldo, backward-flippo" with his piece of pizza . Unfortunately, the pizza seems greasier than usual; he's getting sauce all over himself. He finally catches himself in the eye and drops the pizza, letting out a whiny noise)

LAVERNE -somewhat less horrified than she should be under these circumstances-: "Aww, no, no.."

SHIRLEY -still dramatic-: "I tried to warn you!"

LAVERNE -calming down a bit-: "Well, it IS just a silly quiz, like ya said...and besides, what's so bad about Lenny bein' my soulmate?"

SHIRLEY -agast-: "Laverne, we're talking about Lenny Kosnoski! :The same boy who tried to crash our slumber parties so that he could see us in our underwear! The same boy who mashes you whenever you're in the same room together! The same boy who eats dog food!"

LAVERNE: -shaking her head-: "Aww, Shirl, you just don't know Len the way I do! He doesn't mean anything by it." -she gives Shirley a superior look-: "Ya know, Shirl, it sounds like you put a lot more stock in this quiz stuff than you say ya do."

SHIRLEY: -indignantly-: "I do not! In fact, last month's quiz about 'your perfect mate' was a total farce! If I'd only gotten a "four" instead of a "three" on question four, I wouldn't be going out on a date with Carlo Carole tomorrow night!" -realizes that she's said too much-

LAVERNE: -amused-: "Crazy Carlo?! The guy who wears his underwear on his wrist?!"

SHIRLEY -standoffishly-: "You have no idea how insightful these quizzes are, Laverne!"

LAVERNE: "Really, now?" she takes the magazine from Shirley's hand-: "Well, let's just make a friendly wager, here..."

SHIRLEY-a bit frantically-: "Laverne?! What are you doing, Laverne."

LAVERNE: "You would've answered B, B, A, A and A, right?"

SHIRLEY: "Yeah, but..."

LAVERNE: -starts adding and mumbling to herself-: "Carry the 4..." -she smiles to herself-: "Back to that wager thing here...Since I'm goin' out with my 'soul mate' on Friday, how about you go out with YOUR soulmate, too? Same day, same place?"

SHIRLEY -thoughtfully-: "What does the winner get?"

LAVERNE: "Loser buys the winner the new Elvis record."

SHIRLEY -dreamily-: "The one with the gatefold center?"

LAVERNE: "The very one!"

SHIRLEY: -firmly-:"Fine! I haven't been out with Carmine in awhile, it'll be good to see him again."

LAVERNE: -smugly-: "Unless Carmine's birthday's in the middle of July, he ain't your soulmate."

SHIRLEY -slow-burning panic-: "He isn't my soulmate?! He isn't my soulmate?!" -she grabs the magazine from Laverne's hand and reads the results she's scribbled there-: "But the only person we know who was born in July is..."

(Frank emerges from the restaurant's kitchen, holding a tray of pizza, which he plants in the hand of a nearby waitress)

FRANK -loudly-: "PICKUP!" -to Shirley and Laverne-: "Whatt're you two lookin' at?"

(Dramatic music sting as the girls share a horrified look)

(FADE OUT)

(ACT 3:-Scene, Pizza Bowl, interior, day. Laverne's pushing Shirley toward her father)

SHIRLEY -under her breath-: "Don't make me do this, Laverne!!"

LAVERNE: -smugly-: "C'Mon, Shirl; if the quiz's so right, go ahead; ask my Pop out on a date!"

SHIRLEY: -turning and snapping at her-: "Are you crazy?! He's married to Mrs. Babbish!"

LAVERNE: "Well, for two such swell soulmates like yourself, that should only be one little detail. Besides, if you don't go out with him, I don't go out with Lenny."

SHIRLEY: -frowning- "That new Elvis record had better be worth this..." She turns around and comes face-to-face with Laverne's father. They both smile at each other. Awkwardly-

SHIRLEY: -too cheerfully-: "Hi, Mr. DeFazio."

FRANK -gruffly-: "Yeah." -goes back to checking over the preceding day's receipts-

(Shirley tries to wince away, but Laverne gives her a good shove, nearly shoving Shirley into Frank. The twosome share another pained and awkward smile).

SHIRLEY: "Say, Mr.DeFazio; how do you feel about monster films?"

FRANK -clearly confused-: "Monster Movies?"

SHIRLEY: "Oh yes; Godzilla stomping through cities and eating people and.." (She pantomimes stomping through a villiage and eating people)

FRANK: "Waddya think, I'm stupid? I know whatta monster movie is!"

SHIRLEY: "Ohhh," -embarrassed and with a lot of flitting gestures- "Well, you see...Laverne and I have an extra ticket. Carmine's...busy..."

FRANK: "Is he supposda be out wit that Mrs. Lockwash again?"

SHIRLEY: -still flitting-: "Well, I OW!" -Laverne stomps on her foot- "Yes."

FRANK: "So ya want me to come an' keep ya company?"

SHIRLEY: "If you're not busy..."

FRANK: "Eh, I ain't gonna be. Edna can take care of it fer a few hours."

SHIRLEY: "Shouldn't you ask her first?"

FRANK -bellowing-: "I AIN'T GONNA ASK HER!"

EDNA -peering out of the kitchen-: "Ask me what?"

FRANK: "To take care of the Pizza Bowl for a couplea hours on Saturday night!"

EDNA: "Oh! Well, where else would I be?"

FRANK -smugly-: "See, I told ya.

SHIRLEY -smiling bravely-: "Thanks Mr. DeFazio."

FRANK: "Anythin' for Little Shirley Feeny," -loudly and randomly, but to no one directly- "I've known this one since she was a little girl; now lookit her; she's a grown-up lady."

-Shirley's smile fades into an expression of horror-

on a squeal as we dissolve to....-

(ACT 4: Knapp Street building, exterior, evening; we zoom in on the girl's basement window as incidental music plays)

SHIRLEY -VO-: "So what exactly are the rules again?"

(Cut: Int. L&S' Appartment; Shirley is sitting on the couch in a simple black linen dress and playing with Boo Boo Kitty)

LAVERNE -OS-: "I told ya; first one to bolt on her date wins the Elvis album."

SHIRLEY: -miserably-: "I'm gonna lose."

LAVERNE -reappearing; she's dressed in medium-casual outfit that's deliberately so-: "But Shirl! My pop's yer soulmate!"

SHIRLEY -almost near tears-: "You don't need to rub it in, Laverne."

LAVERNE -taking pitty on her-: "Aww," -She sits down and wraps her arms around her friend- "If you don't wanna go out wit Len an me, I'll tell Pop that you wanna go bowling."

SHIRLEY: -teary-: "I don't wanna go bowling, either!"

LAVERNE: "It could be worse, Shirl; Squiggy could be yer soulmate."

-Shirley's tears dry instantly-

SHIRLEY: "Don't say that again. Don't EVER say that Again!"

LAVERNE: "I was just tryin' to cheer ya up."

SHIRLEY -pushing away from her friend-: "I'm beyond that now." -sighing-: "What I wouldn't give for two handsome, smart men to walk through that door right now-

(The Door slams open, revealing Lenny, in a red plaid jacket and bearing a rather large corsage. )

LENNY: -nervously-: "Hi!"

SHIRLEY: -looking up at the sky-: "This is all just some colossal joke, isn't it?"

LAVERNE -coquettishly-: "Hey Len...Aww, ya got me another corsage? The first one ain't even dead yet."

LENNY: "Yeah, well a lady shouldn't go a day without flowers,"

LAVERNE: "Awww!"

LENNY: "After all, they make anythin' look pretty!"

-Laverne winces-

LAVERNE : "Just gimmie that."

LENNY: "Nah, lemme pin it on..." -they struggle over the blossoms a bit before Lenny manages to get ahold of it. He gets to the task of pinning the corsage on...they're interrupted as Frank walks in through the open door-

FRANK -shouting, as he sees his daughter with Lenny-: "Whattreyadoinwitmymufffin?!"

(The sound of his voice shocks Lenny into stabbing his thumb with the tip of the corsage's pin; his hand almost gets caught in the spaghetti strap of Laverne's dress.

Comedy incidental music to the cut)

(Fade In: Interior, Palazo Theatre Lobby, Nighttime. Shirley, Lenny and Laverne are all sitting on a bench, waiting for Frank to purchase their tickets. Lenny's sporting a bandage on his thumb from the place where Laverne's corsage stabbed him, which he randomly sucks at..)

LAVERNE: "Are you sure yer thumb's OK, Len?"

LENNY: -shaking it a bit-: "Yeah; I didn't break no arties 're nothin..."

(Frank steps over to the group, tickets in hand)

FRANK: "Here ya go; four seats, balcony, for Toho's Monster Mega Mash, whateva that is."

SHIRLEY: "How much do we owe you, Mr. DeFazio?"

FRANK: "Eh, that's alright; it's been a long time since I saw a real movie marathon." -he hands the tickets out, then notices the bandage once more on Lenny's thumb- "I'm sorry about that, kid. Seein' ya pin a corsage on my Muffin...remember that summer in '55?"

LENNY -embarrassed-: "Uh......"

FRANK: "...You an' that Hector kid, peepin' in on my daughter...I hadda hose th' two a ya..." -Frank's look is ever-so-slightly menacing. Lenny gulps and shuffles his feet-

SHIRLEY -laughing and in her usual false-bravado-: "Ohh, the memories we all share! Well, I'll be darned, isn't it close to showtime already?" -she links her arm through Frank's; since he's not expecting it, he lists dramatically to the right against her-

LENNY -offering Laverne his own elbow-: "Here ya go, Vernie,"

LAVERNE: -shaking her head-: "No thanks, Len." -She walked beside him into the theatre, and he tries to hide his disappointment in her rejection-, .

(CUT and FADE: Incidental time-shift music: INT. Movie Theatre, Night. Time has passed; Laverne and Lenny are seated in the middle row, front; both wearing 3D glasses and intently watching the screen. Shirley and Frank are in the last row. Shirley looks distracted, and Frank's stuffing popcorn into his mouth. The lights are dimmed, there's a movie being projected onto the screen, and scary monster movie noises are in the background.)

FRANK: -abruptly and loudly-: "Hah! You call that a special effect?!"

(Everyone else in the theatre turns around and shushes him; except for Laverne and Lenny, who are staring, enraptured, at the screen. Shirley's clearly embarrassed.)

SHIRLEY -beneath her breath-: "Please, Mr. DeFazio, you're making a scene..."

(CUT TO: Lenny and Laverne, who are eating popcorn from the same container. They speak in sotto voices)

LAVERNE: "Yeesh; that Mothra's a big sucker; makes me remember that big hive that Squig brought to show 'n' tell..."

LENNY -brightly-: "I remember that! An' he let 'em loose, an' they got all tangled up in Mrs. Croszchev's hair.."

LAVERNE -laughing-: "I hated that woman."

LENNY: "Me too!" -they share a brief look that expresses their feeling of camaraderie, which they both try to instantly ignore-

(CUT TO: Shirley and Frank)

FRANK -still loudly-: "Whattya talkin' about? I ain't makin' a scene. The effects're lousy an' any idiot can see that!"

UNIDENTIFYABLE MAN SITTING IN FRONT OF THEM: "Buddy, if you don't shut your mouth soon.."

FRANK: "Whattya gonna do about it?!"

(The unidentifiable man rises from his seat and turns to face Frank and Shirley; he's muscular and very tall)

FRANK: -nonplused-: "I can take ya."

(CUT TO: Lenny and Laverne)

LAVERNE: "Aww! The Mothera ladies!"

LENNY: "Yeah, I love that lil' song of theirs.." -singing very quietly, though it comes out louder than he expected- "Mothera...mothera...."

LAVERNE -hushing him-: "Ya wanna cause a scene here?"

LENNY: "Sorry!"

LAVERNE -watching the movie again-: "Boy, those Mothera ladies sure are pretty..."

LENNY: "Yeah, but neither of 'em 're the prettiest girl here tonight..."

LAVERNE -absently-: "I knew I shoulda worn th' pink dress; Shirl always looks so good 'n red..."

LENNY -taking her hand-: "I'm not talkin' bout Shirl, Vernie."

(CUT To: a wide shot; Frank and the hulking man 'stepping outside', with a freaking-out Shirley following them, while Lenny and Laverne, staring into each other's eyes, melt into an embrace. Just as they kiss, we hear a loud punching noise. Seconds later, the square-jawed stranger comes stumbling back into the theatre, holding his nose. He collapses, as Lenny and Laverne continue kissing, totally oblivious).

(CUT TO: Shirley, sitting in the lobby, fussing over Frank's swollen knuckles)

SHIRLEY: "Do you do this every time you come to the movies?"

FRANK: -thoughtfully-: "Not all th' time. Sometimes, th' other guy hits me..."

-Shirley starts to sniffle-

FRANK cont: "...Once I got hit wit a pipe this thick." -he gestures. Shirley bursts into tears, and Frank's voice contains concern-: "Ey, whattsamatta?"

SHIRLEY -overly-emotional-: "Nothing...It's nothing...I can get used to not going to the movies ever again...Even though the new Liberache movie's coming out next month..."

FRANK -wholeheartedly confused-: "Waddya mean, never go to th' movies again?"

SHIRLEY: "...and having a husband that smells like pizza...who's older than my mother..." -she wails- "I'm fine!"

FRANK: -becoming angry-: "If someone don't tell me what yer cryin' about, I'm gonna go make that guy into a pepperoni."

SHIRLEY: -childishly-: "Laverne and I took a magazine quiz to determine our soul mates. That's why I'm with you tonight and not listening to Carmine sing...and why Vernie's in there being pawed by Lenny Kosnoski!" -Frank's eyes widen venomously, but Shirley quickly corrects herself- "Figuratively!"

FRANK -calming down, but still confused-: "You think this's a date, Shirley?" -she nods her head pitifully.- "You've been readin' too many of those romance books, little girl."

SHIRLEY -sadly-: "But what about fate, Mr. DeFazio?"

FRANK -amused-: "Fate? Lemme tell you a story about fate." (The "This is very touching" incidental music plays as he wraps his arm around Shirley) "One day, thirty years ago, I was walkin' down a street in Flushing...that's New York, not Wisconsin...An' I see the most beautiful woman I ever seen sittin' in a café. I was a delivery boy back then, an' I was workin' hand to mouth just tryin' to live. I look up; over the door've the café, there's a ladder. Anyone knows, crossin' under a ladder's bad luck, and my mother, she's a superstitious woman. But I hadta get into that café."

SHIRLEY: "What did you do?"

FRANK: "I went into that café and introduced myself to that girl." -he pats Shirley's shoulder- "Later that day, I lose my job."

SHIRLEY: "That's horrible! Then you should have listened to fate!"

FRANK: "Am I done tellin' the story yet?"

SHIRLEY: -sheepishly- : "I'm sorry.."

FRANK: "But on that same day, the woman from that café called me back. We went out on a date" -He smiles- "He name was Josephine, an' two days later I married 'er."

SHIRLEY -sniffling-: "That's so romantic!"

FRANK: "Anyway, the pointa the story is: ya shouldn't let superstition run ya life." -he lets Shirley blot her eyes on his tie- "Now, where do ya wanna be right now?"

SHIRLEY -honestly-: "At the Pizza Bowl, watching Carmine sing."

FRANK: "Then go get him."

SHIRLEY -upset-: "But I can't leave you alone..."

FRANK: "Don't worry about it. There's a girl sittin' at the Pizza Bowl waitin' fer me," -he helps Shirley put on her coat- "Tell Edna I'm waitin' fer her."

SHIRLEY -still a bit teary-: "Thanks, Mr. DeFazio!"

(He begins to walk away from him, but runs back and wraps him in a strong embrace. While they're still embracing, we
FADE OUT)

(Scene Five:-Tag)

(Fade In.: Ext. Knapp Street, night. We hear the strains of 'Little Sister', as sung by Elvis Presley.
CUT: Scene: Int. Laverne and Shirley's apartment. Shirley's sitting on the couch, writing in her diary, and Laverne's sitting behind the kitchen counter, sipping at her milk 'n' Pepsi.)

SHIRLEY -vo as she writes-: "Dear Diary: Boy, did I learn a lesson today. It's a good thing that everything worked out for the best. I'm just glad that Mr. DeFazio's such a gentleman…and has a good right hook. But boy, am I ever relieved to realize that he isn't my soulmate! After all, he's like a second father to me, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like station wagons. Anyway, he got to take Edna to the Monsterfest, while Carmine and I had a lovely night together at the Pizza Bowl....and afterwards...More on that tomorrow, when I have time to code that baby up. I still feel bad for making Laverne go out with Lenny, but she looks like she's none-the-worse-for-wear from her date . She told me a few minutes ago that she didn't feel anything for him tonight; no spark, no goosebumps. I guess those magazine quizzes really are a bunch of bologna. Mr. DeFazio's right; I guess relationships build up in time, and silly things like birthdays don't mean a thing. At least Laverne hasn't lost her generous spirit. She even insisted on paying for half of that Elvis record when she came home tonight." -Shirley sets down her diary for a moment, then picks it up- "PS: Pick up new issue of Cosmo tomorrow." -satisfied, she closes her diary, taking it with her as she makes her way to the bedroom- "Laverne! I'm going to bed."

LAVERNE: "That's OK. Do ya mind if I listen to side two one more time?"

SHIRLEY: "Is that the side with the ballads on it?"

-Laverne smiles and nods-

SHIRLEY: " Night!" -she exits the living room and enters the bedroom-

(CUT TO: Laverne, watching with sly eyes for the light to go off in Shirley's room. She sneaks over to the record player, flips the album over, and opens the closet door....Which Lenny steps out of, holding a rose and smiling. To the strains of 'I Can't Help Falling In Love With You", She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him.)

(CUT TO: Ext. Knapp Street Building. We zoom out as we hear...)

SHIRLEY:-vo-: "Laverne, have you seen my melon face cre..." -her speech cuts off as she screams, presumably on seeing Lenny. The Elvis song fades to a short orchestral flurry, and we FADE OUT to Credits)

(Fin)