I love Janet
12-01-2002, 12:57 PM
Lost Puppy-Help us find him.
http://www.funkypages.com/lostpup/lostpup.jpg
Funky Farts Chart
Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.
Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Windy Fart
The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Growling Fart
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Worrying Fart
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.
Prelude To A Poopie
You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Compost Fart
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
Beefy One
Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog turd.
Present (a.k.a 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.
Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
Bunbuster Fart
'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your bum smarting. You really feel these babies.
Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
Brewer Fart
You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.
Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.
On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...
Underwater Fart
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.
Gunshot Fart
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named." A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.
Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart must be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :rotflmao:
DOES YOUR FAMILY TREE FORK? FIND OUT!
There's a real good chance you have Redneck Blood in your veins if:
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market is a place to get beer and pretzels.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
When asked, "Where's your bowling bag?" you answer, "She's home with the kids."
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You refer to the last weeks TV Guide as a classic.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list.
The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used hat.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever got a tattoo, on layaway.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You use a Hefty Bag as a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because WWF wrestling is on while you're at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toe nails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
You've ever heard a sheep baa and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how truck stops keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
Your wife has more children than teeth.
lol i had to post these.
http://www.funkypages.com/lostpup/lostpup.jpg
Funky Farts Chart
Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.
Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Windy Fart
The sort of fart which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Growling Fart
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Worrying Fart
The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.
Prelude To A Poopie
You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Compost Fart
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
Beefy One
Sounds loud, and butch eg. 'BRAAAAMMPPP!'. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog turd.
Present (a.k.a 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.
Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
Bunbuster Fart
'BRAAA!' Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your bum smarting. You really feel these babies.
Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
Brewer Fart
You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.
Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.
On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...
Underwater Fart
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.
Gunshot Fart
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report continues: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named." A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.
Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart must be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :rotflmao:
DOES YOUR FAMILY TREE FORK? FIND OUT!
There's a real good chance you have Redneck Blood in your veins if:
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market is a place to get beer and pretzels.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
When asked, "Where's your bowling bag?" you answer, "She's home with the kids."
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You refer to the last weeks TV Guide as a classic.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list.
The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used hat.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever got a tattoo, on layaway.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You use a Hefty Bag as a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because WWF wrestling is on while you're at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toe nails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
You've ever heard a sheep baa and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how truck stops keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
Your wife has more children than teeth.
lol i had to post these.