Frank Gannucci
05-07-2026, 07:10 AM
A Honeymooners Mothers Day:
(The Kramdens are complaining loudly in their hotel room in Miami Beach.)
Ralph (yells): “ALICE, WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE DINNER WITH THAT MOM OF YOURS ON MOTHER’S DAY! ME AND NORTON ARE GONNA SHOOT POOL.”
Alice (yells): “OH YES YOU WILL RALPH. I AM SICK OF THIS BATTLE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU. WE ARE GONNA CELEBRATE MOTHER’S DAY WITH MY MOM.”
Ralph (yells): “YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME OVER MY DEAD BODY.”
Alice (yells): “I CANNOT DO THAT. I AM NOT A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER.”
Ralph: “Alice, I’m tired of yelling. Let’s settle this now. I am going out with Norton and we will play pool in Miami Beach for the first time. It will be right next to the Jackie Gleason Theater.”
(Crowd cheers.)
Alice: “No you won’t Ralph.”
(Ed comes down.)
Ed: “Hiya folks. I am here to settle this.”
Ralph: “With what Norton?”
Ed: “This you wrote many years ago.”
(He gives it to Ralph.)
Ralph (reading): “‘Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.’” (Not reading): “Well I’m sorry Alice. I’ll go with you and have dinner with your mom.”
Ed: “I understand Ralph.”
Alice: “It’s ok Ralph.”
Ralph (to Alice): “Baby, you’re the greatest.”
(They hug and kiss.)
(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “I just want to wish all the moms, a Happy Mother’s Day and the Miami Beach Mother’s Days are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”
(Crowd cheers.)
(The Kramdens are complaining loudly in their hotel room in Miami Beach.)
Ralph (yells): “ALICE, WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE DINNER WITH THAT MOM OF YOURS ON MOTHER’S DAY! ME AND NORTON ARE GONNA SHOOT POOL.”
Alice (yells): “OH YES YOU WILL RALPH. I AM SICK OF THIS BATTLE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU. WE ARE GONNA CELEBRATE MOTHER’S DAY WITH MY MOM.”
Ralph (yells): “YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME OVER MY DEAD BODY.”
Alice (yells): “I CANNOT DO THAT. I AM NOT A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER.”
Ralph: “Alice, I’m tired of yelling. Let’s settle this now. I am going out with Norton and we will play pool in Miami Beach for the first time. It will be right next to the Jackie Gleason Theater.”
(Crowd cheers.)
Alice: “No you won’t Ralph.”
(Ed comes down.)
Ed: “Hiya folks. I am here to settle this.”
Ralph: “With what Norton?”
Ed: “This you wrote many years ago.”
(He gives it to Ralph.)
Ralph (reading): “‘Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.’” (Not reading): “Well I’m sorry Alice. I’ll go with you and have dinner with your mom.”
Ed: “I understand Ralph.”
Alice: “It’s ok Ralph.”
Ralph (to Alice): “Baby, you’re the greatest.”
(They hug and kiss.)
(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “I just want to wish all the moms, a Happy Mother’s Day and the Miami Beach Mother’s Days are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!”
(Crowd cheers.)