Frank Gannucci
10-10-2025, 04:57 AM
A Honeymooners Columbus Day:
(Ralph goes to Ed’s manhole.)
Ralph (yells): “HEY NORTON! COME ON UP!”
(Ed comes up.)
Ed: “Whaddaya say Ralph?”
Ralph: “In honor of Columbus Day, our Raccoons are having a $1000 contest to see who can build the best Columbus boat and I know how to win the prize.”
Ed: “So do I by having the best boat. Hahaha!”
Ralph: “That’s the answer but only we know that. I saw a Lego sculpture of a Columbus Day boat in a shop and I need to borrow $400 from Alice. She said she wouldn’t give it to me.”
Ed: “I know. You kept me awake all last night. The top floor is betting 13-1 tgat you will build a horrible boat.”
Ralph: “You and the top floor are gonna lose. I need $400 from you Ed. When I win, I will give it back to you.”
Ed: “I’m bankrupt Ralph.”
Ralph: “I’ll figure out someway to get the money. I’ll borrow from my life insurance. I will win.”
Ed: “I’m in the contest too Ralph.”
Ralph (yells): “WHAT? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME NORTON?”
Ed (yells): “FREE COUNTRY.”
Ralph: “Norton, from here on in, we are DEADLY enemies. If you see me walking down the street, get on the other side.”
Ed: “When you walk down a street, there AIN’T NO OTHER SIDE.”
(On the day of the contest, the wives are there at the Raccoon Lodge.)
Alice: “I was so upset that Ralph took money from his life insurance to buy that awful Lego Columbus boat. He will never win.”
Trixie: “My Ed spent a long time building his boat.”
Head Raccoon: “We have seen all the boats. Brother Kramden is coming with his.”
(Ralph comes in and being clumsy, trips and his boat smashes into a million pieces.)
Ralph: “Am I too late for the money?”
Head Raccoon: “First prize goes to Ed Norton.”
(Ralph is upset.)
Ed: “He’s not too late to see him make a fool of himself.”
Ralph (yells): “OK NORTON! LETS GO!”
(Everyone tries to separate Ralph who wants to fight Ed.)
(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “Folks, the Miami Beach Columbus Days are the BEST!”
(Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “Time to introduce the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers as Jean Kean comes on stage.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers as Audrey comes on stage.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers as Art comes on stage.)
Jackie (yells): “GOOD NIGHT!”
(Ralph goes to Ed’s manhole.)
Ralph (yells): “HEY NORTON! COME ON UP!”
(Ed comes up.)
Ed: “Whaddaya say Ralph?”
Ralph: “In honor of Columbus Day, our Raccoons are having a $1000 contest to see who can build the best Columbus boat and I know how to win the prize.”
Ed: “So do I by having the best boat. Hahaha!”
Ralph: “That’s the answer but only we know that. I saw a Lego sculpture of a Columbus Day boat in a shop and I need to borrow $400 from Alice. She said she wouldn’t give it to me.”
Ed: “I know. You kept me awake all last night. The top floor is betting 13-1 tgat you will build a horrible boat.”
Ralph: “You and the top floor are gonna lose. I need $400 from you Ed. When I win, I will give it back to you.”
Ed: “I’m bankrupt Ralph.”
Ralph: “I’ll figure out someway to get the money. I’ll borrow from my life insurance. I will win.”
Ed: “I’m in the contest too Ralph.”
Ralph (yells): “WHAT? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME NORTON?”
Ed (yells): “FREE COUNTRY.”
Ralph: “Norton, from here on in, we are DEADLY enemies. If you see me walking down the street, get on the other side.”
Ed: “When you walk down a street, there AIN’T NO OTHER SIDE.”
(On the day of the contest, the wives are there at the Raccoon Lodge.)
Alice: “I was so upset that Ralph took money from his life insurance to buy that awful Lego Columbus boat. He will never win.”
Trixie: “My Ed spent a long time building his boat.”
Head Raccoon: “We have seen all the boats. Brother Kramden is coming with his.”
(Ralph comes in and being clumsy, trips and his boat smashes into a million pieces.)
Ralph: “Am I too late for the money?”
Head Raccoon: “First prize goes to Ed Norton.”
(Ralph is upset.)
Ed: “He’s not too late to see him make a fool of himself.”
Ralph (yells): “OK NORTON! LETS GO!”
(Everyone tries to separate Ralph who wants to fight Ed.)
(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “Folks, the Miami Beach Columbus Days are the BEST!”
(Crowd cheers.)
Jackie: “Time to introduce the cast. First: Jean Kean."
(Audience cheers as Jean Kean comes on stage.)
Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."
(Audience cheers as Audrey comes on stage.)
Jackie: "Art Carney."
(Audience cheers as Art comes on stage.)
Jackie (yells): “GOOD NIGHT!”