Back in the old Imdb Dark Shadows Discussion Board days, we had a long-running game called Deary Abby. It was a whole bunch of fun. First poster would write a letter to Abby, in the guise of a DS character (but not give the character name), seeking advice with a problem.

The next poster would reply to the letter, as Deary Abby, giving advice about the problem. Sooo...

Bartender Bob has been hired by the Collinsport Star to write an advice column. Collinsport citizens, as we know, have some very unique issues. Bob is just dying to help. *If no "Bob" responds in a few days, one may answer their own.

I'll get us started with a sample letter and response in the next few posts.

Dear Bartender Bob:

My mother is about to marry a real rat. He showed up, out of nowhere, a couple of months ago, and has taken over the who house. What do I do, Bob?

Signed,

Confused Trust Fund Doll

Dear Bartender Bob:

My mother is about to marry a real rat. He showed up, out of nowhere, a couple of months ago, and has taken over the who house. What do I do, Bob?

Signed,

Confused Trust Fund Doll

Dear Confused Trust Fund Doll:

Grow up. Stop sniveling, put your big girl pants on, and go shopping. The hardware store sells rat poison. If that doesn't work, that Antique shop probably can give you deal on a concealable pistol. Have fun at wedding, kid.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, like this guy I been workin for... he sleeps all day, makes a real bloody mess every night, and... he's ALWAYS leavin the lid up. I can't take it no more, Bob!


Signed,

Drained

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, like this guy I been workin for... he sleeps all day, makes a real bloody mess every night, and... he's ALWAYS leavin the lid up. I can't take it no more, Bob!


Signed,

Drained

Dear Drained:

So he leaves the lid up? Is it that hard to lower it?

My advice is to count your blessings. If you don't see him during the day, all the better.

Just watch your throat. If you don't, fly. Literally.

:lol: That's the idea!

Dear Bartender Bob:

Recently, strange things have been happening to me. A shadowy figure followed me home; I'm chronicly tired and irritable; dogs howl outside my house half the night; some jerk rubs a squeaky permanent marker back and forth across an easel, while dangling a silly cardboard bat, right outside my bedroom; and now, I'm apparently sleep walking in the cemetery. Oh, and I'm having weird dreams about someone sticking a straw into my neck, and drinking me like a milkshake. This is crazy, Bob. What should I do?

Signed,

Lost in the fog

Dear Bartender Bob:

Recently, strange things have been happening to me. A shadowy figure followed me home; I'm chronicly tired and irritable; dogs howl outside my house half the night; some jerk rubs a squeaky permanent marker back and forth across an easel, while dangling a silly cardboard bat, right outside my bedroom; and now, I'm apparently sleep walking in the cemetery. Oh, and I'm having weird dreams about someone sticking a straw into my neck, and drinking me like a milkshake. This is crazy, Bob. What should I do?

Signed,

Lost in the fog

Dear Lost in the fog,

Wow! and, I thought your Pop drank too much, kid.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

I have been a resident of Collinsport, Maine for my entire life. Collinsport was a wonderful town to grow up in, with its proximity to sailing, fishing and swimming in the “slightly” chilly waters off of Collinsport Bay. The thousands of acres of woodlands surrounding our beautiful fishing village provide many opportunities for hiking and camping for the L.L. Bean crowd here in Maine.

Of course, with the coming of summer, Collinsport is visited (or more likely invaded?) by the thousands of visitors to our beloved home town from places like Boston, Massachusetts, Hartford CT, New York City and Lodi, New Jersey (with their atrocious Tony Soprano-like accents). Yet, the money gained during the summer allows us to fund all municipal repairs and new developments in Collinsport.

However, what really disturbs me as a lifetime resident, is the amount of violent crime, which has plagued our formerly peaceful and tranquil town. I don’t know, but ever since 1967, Collinsport has been plagued with one gruesome murder after another. Who can ever forget how Mr. Wells, the longtime night clerk at the Collinsport Inn, and Sally Selby, the waitress at your own beloved Blue Whale Tavern, were both horribly eviscerated by some unknown crazy man or savage animal, along with the brutal deaths of newcomers Bruno Hess and Donna Friedlander?

Then there were the puzzling and gruesome deaths of former Collinsport resident Paul
Stoddard, the husband of prominent local citizen Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, Collinsport Sheriff Davenport and Maine State Police investigator Lawrence Gutherie, all who had appeared to have been “slimed to death” like Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd were “slimed” in the popular Ghostbuster movies.

Of course, what happened to longtime Collinsport residents Maggie Evans, Tom Jennings and Vicky Winters, among several others, who were bitten on the neck by some unknown animal of some sort?

I don’t have to mention how completely feckless and incompetent the Collinsport Police Department has been in “investigating” all of these terrible and mysterious deaths. Poor George Patterson was forced to resign as our longtime sheriff and retire to Key West, Florida after failing to solve any of these bizarre crimes.

Finally, Bob, I have to take to task your very own colleagues at “The Collinsport Star.” Why has no one at our longtime local newspaper attempted to delve into all of these gruesome and truly puzzling murders in our fair town? Are there no aspiring Bob Woodward’s or Carl Bernstein’s on the staff of “The Collinsport Star” to aggressively and doggedly pursue these ongoing crime stories?

If these terrible murders and unexplained deaths continue to occur in our beloved and formerly peaceful New England fishing village, I’m afraid that I will have to regretfully leave Collinsport forever to move to some lesser community like Fall River, Massachusetts or even Hoboken, New Jersey. (God forbid!)

Sincerely,

Buzz Hackett

Dear Bartender Bob:

I have been a resident of Collinsport, Maine for my entire life. Collinsport was a wonderful town to grow up in, with its proximity to sailing, fishing and swimming in the “slightly” chilly waters off of Collinsport Bay. The thousands of acres of woodlands surrounding our beautiful fishing village provide many opportunities for hiking and camping for the L.L. Bean crowd here in Maine.

Of course, with the coming of summer, Collinsport is visited (or more likely invaded?) by the thousands of visitors to our beloved home town from places like Boston, Massachusetts, Hartford CT, New York City and Lodi, New Jersey (with their atrocious Tony Soprano-like accents). Yet, the money gained during the summer allows us to fund all municipal repairs and new developments in Collinsport.

However, what really disturbs me as a lifetime resident, is the amount of violent crime, which has plagued our formerly peaceful and tranquil town. I don’t know, but ever since 1967, Collinsport has been plagued with one gruesome murder after another. Who can ever forget how Mr. Wells, the longtime night clerk at the Collinsport Inn, and Sally Selby, the waitress at your own beloved Blue Whale Tavern, were both horribly eviscerated by some unknown crazy man or savage animal, along with the brutal deaths of newcomers Bruno Hess and Donna Friedlander?

Then there were the puzzling and gruesome deaths of former Collinsport resident Paul
Stoddard, the husband of prominent local citizen Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, Collinsport Sheriff Davenport and Maine State Police investigator Lawrence Gutherie, all who had appeared to have been “slimed to death” like Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd were “slimed” in the popular Ghostbuster movies.

Of course, what happened to longtime Collinsport residents Maggie Evans, Tom Jennings and Vicky Winters, among several others, who were bitten on the neck by some unknown animal of some sort?

I don’t have to mention how completely feckless and incompetent the Collinsport Police Department has been in “investigating” all of these terrible and mysterious deaths. Poor George Patterson was forced to resign as our longtime sheriff and retire to Key West, Florida after failing to solve any of these bizarre crimes.

Finally, Bob, I have to take to task your very own colleagues at “The Collinsport Star.” Why has no one at our longtime local newspaper attempted to delve into all of these gruesome and truly puzzling murders in our fair town? Are there no aspiring Bob Woodward’s or Carl Bernstein’s on the staff of “The Collinsport Star” to aggressively and doggedly pursue these ongoing crime stories?

If these terrible murders and unexplained deaths continue to occur in our beloved and formerly peaceful New England fishing village, I’m afraid that I will have to regretfully leave Collinsport forever to move to some lesser community like Fall River, Massachusetts or even Hoboken, New Jersey. (God forbid!)

Sincerely,

Buzz Hackett

Dear Buzz:

Always a pleasure to hear from one of our leading citizens. I recently asked our Editor, Willie... You remember Willie... Some of these Questions. He seemed indifferent. I'll ask again.

Hey, while we're here, remember your former would-be father in law, Jason? He stuck the Blue Whale with a outstanding tab when he left town all those years ago. With interest, it's about two grand. Any idea where we might dig him up?

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

What goes better with Roasted Pheasant? Now, I know, some would play it safe, and settle for Type O, because it "goes with everything." I don't mind prowling around in the dark for something better. A- or B+? Both are available locally, if one is willing to hunt a bit.

Signed,

Caped Crusader

Dear Buzz:

Always a pleasure to hear from one of our leading citizens. I recently asked our Editor, Willie... You remember Willie... Some of these Questions. He seemed indifferent. I'll ask again.

Hey, while we're here, remember your former would-be father in law, Jason? He stuck the Blue Whale with a outstanding tab when he left town all those years ago. With interest, it's about two grand. Any idea where we might dig him up?

Cheers,


Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

I’m delighted to hear that Willie Loomis is now with the Collinsport Star. Does he still have that other job as Barnabas Collins’s handyman? I know that we all in town would like to finally get a look at his mysterious girlfriend, Roxanne.

Yeah, that fellow Jason McGuire was so shifty, that he even made Hunter Biden seem like the Rev. Billy Graham by comparison! Jason’s stiffing on that bar tab at the Blue Whale doesn’t surprise me at all.

As to Jason’s whereabouts today, the last I heard about him was from my former old lady, Carolyn Stoddard, who said that Jason was last seen heading over to the Old House to put the touch on his old pal, Willie Loomis. Maybe Jason just “disappeared” like Megan Todd, Tony Peterson and that mean, big guy, Adam, did? Although, I wouldn’t be surprised at all to finally learn that the larcenous Jason McGuire was taking a permanent “dirt nap” somewhere on the grounds of Collinwood.

I hope all is well with you and I hope you can make it to the next Young Republicans of Collinsport meeting, when we’ll discuss the pros and cons of another presidential run for Donald Trump in 2024.

All the best,

Buzz Hackett, President of the Jonas Brothers Fan Club

Dear Bartender Bob:

What goes better with Roasted Pheasant? Now, I know, some would play it safe, and settle for Type O, because it "goes with everything." I don't mind prowling around in the dark for something better. A- or B+? Both are available locally, if one is willing to hunt a bit.

Signed,

Caped Crusader

Dear Caped Crusader:

I don't know about Roasted Pheasant, I've always been a Stake man myself.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

I work as the live in Housekeeper for a prominent local family, and I'm not one to gossip or anything, but....

A whole lot of very strange things happen in this old house, why it's enough to scare one out of their wits. Things go bump all through the night, and even in daylight.

How am I supposed to work like this?

Signed,

Cleaning In Fear

Dear Bartender Bob:

I work as the live in Housekeeper for a prominent local family, and I'm not one to gossip or anything, but....

A whole lot of very strange things happen in this old house, why it's enough to scare one out of their wits. Things go bump all through the night, and even in daylight.

How am I supposed to work like this?

Signed,

Cleaning In Fear

Dear Cleaning In Fear:

You really need to drink more. If your working in the house I think you are, they won't even notice the few swigs you'll be taking throughout the day. From what I've heard, their monthly liquor bill exceeds the GDP of Liechtenstein.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

I'm a ten year old kid and i have a problem. My mother has come back into town (my father has custody of me) and she wants me to come live with her.

Right now I live in a house with some strange goings-on. That's kinda off the subject but some of it isn't, since my mother occasionally visits, and I hear her fighting with my father. He leaves, upset, and I sometimes hide so they don't see me. She stays around after he leaves, and I watch her stare at the fire in the fireplace. And stare and stare and stare.

Bob it's like she's in a trance and she scares me and I don't know what to do. I really like my governess and I think I'd really miss her if i went with my mother. I'd really like to marry my governess and live happily ever after.

What should I do, Bob? Come have a drink at your bar? Maybe that would help.

Signed,
Confused Boy

Dear Bartender Bob:

I'm a ten year old kid and i have a problem. My mother has come back into town (my father has custody of me) and she wants me to come live with her.

Right now I live in a house with some strange goings-on. That's kinda off the subject but some of it isn't, since my mother occasionally visits, and I hear her fighting with my father. He leaves, upset, and I sometimes hide so they don't see me. She stays around after he leaves, and I watch her stare at the fire in the fireplace. And stare and stare and stare.

Bob it's like she's in a trance and she scares me and I don't know what to do. I really like my governess and I think I'd really miss her if i went with my mother. I'd really like to marry my governess and live happily ever after.

What should I do, Bob? Come have a drink at your bar? Maybe that would help.

Signed,
Confused Boy

Dear Confused Boy:

Surely can't advise a minor to come to the Blue Whale. Save that money, and buy yourself a nice issue of this months Car Maintenance Magazine. I think you'll find something in it quite to your liking.

Don't waste your time on the Governess, by the time you're of age, she'll be an old spinster. Let her down easy, she'll understand. Oh, wait... she never understands anything.

Your mom is hot, tell her I said Hi. No, seriously... she's an insane, evil creature of the underworld. Ask your friend in the portrait what to do.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

Been having these really weird, disturbing dreams. Every night of the full moon, I go into convulsions and then black out. I wake up the next morning, often in a strange place. Sometimes, when I wake up, my clothing is torn and bloody.

What's happening to me? What can I do about it?

Signed,

Clawing for a solution

Dear Bartender Bob:

Been having these really weird, disturbing dreams. Every night of the full moon, I go into convulsions and then black out. I wake up the next morning, often in a strange place. Sometimes, when I wake up, my clothing is torn and bloody.

What's happening to me? What can I do about it?

Signed,

Clawing for a solution

Dear Clawing:

You know... I don't know where you've been hanging out, but in our Blue Whale, we shut you off after four Long Island Iced Teas.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, my Cousin, who's always bringing me unwanted and inappropriate gifts, has outdone himself this time. He recently returned from a trip to the West Indies, and brought me yet another gift. I don't want to seem ungrateful or unkind, but I just don't think I'll ever find any good use for a preserved 17th Century Warlock's Head.

I can't return it, as I'm sure he didn't save the receipt. Should I regift it to someone next April Fool's Day, or what?

Signed,

No Body to turn to

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, my Cousin, who's always bringing me unwanted and inappropriate gifts, has outdone himself this time. He recently returned from a trip to the West Indies, and brought me yet another gift. I don't want to seem ungrateful or unkind, but I just don't think I'll ever find any good use for a preserved 17th Century Warlock's Head.

I can't return it, as I'm sure he didn't save the receipt. Should I regift it to someone next April Fool's Day, or what?

Signed,

No Body to turn to

Dear No Body to turn to:

Just throw it off the cliff at Widows Hill. I'm sure that's the last you'll ever see of it.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob: Did what you suggested. I no sooner get back home, and the evil thing is there waiting for me. How do I get rid of this thing once and for all?

Signed,

Wanting to lose my head

Dear Bartender Bob: Did what you suggested. I no sooner get back home, and the evil thing is there waiting for me. How do I get rid of this thing once and for all?

Signed,

Wanting to lose my head

Dear Wanting to lose my head:

Shove it in microwave. Three minutes on High ought to do it. Don't even bother to open the microwave afterward. Just wrap it up, and send it, Postage Due, to Justin Bieber.

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

How many bricks, and how much mortar, to wall over a 4' X 8' alcove in a dark basement?

Signed,

Asking For a Friend

Dear Bartender Bob:

How many bricks, and how much mortar, to wall over a 4' X 8' alcove in a dark basement?

Signed,

Asking For a Friend

Dear Asking For a Friend:

Just wing it. A good walling up should be spontaneous. Turn it into a party... A cask of amontillado, and some music for the occasion (perhaps Tales of Mystery and Imagination, by The Alan Parsons Project).

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

Twenty years ago, I accidentally sold something of great value to me, to a fast talking stranger in your bar. Turns out, he was a member of a demonic cult. Is this contract actually enforceable?

Signed,

In Too Deep

Dear Bartender Bob:

Twenty years ago, I accidentally sold something of great value to me, to a fast talking stranger in your bar. Turns out, he was a member of a demonic cult. Is this contract actually enforceable?

Signed,

In Too Deep

Dear In Too Deep:

Lol! If I had a shot of Windsor Canadian for everytime one our colorful locals pulled that old "wanna sell you soul" gag on someone in our Blue Whale, I'd be as preserved as Sam Evans. Forget about it.

By the way, tell your daughter happy twenty -first... and, Oberon & Haza say "Hi."

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

My friend, and I, recently discovered a very old telephone, while playing in the attic of my family home. The phone appears to be from the late Victorian Era, and we've been having some odd conversations with another person. Bob, how is it we're able to talk with him even though the wire leading from the phone appears to have been cut years ago?

Signed,
A Bit Worried

Dear Bartender Bob:

My friend, and I, recently discovered a very old telephone, while playing in the attic of my family home. The phone appears to be from the late Victorian Era, and we've been having some odd conversations with another person. Bob, how is it we're able to talk with him even though the wire leading from the phone appears to have been cut years ago?

Signed,
A Bit Worried

Dear A Bit Worried:

LOL! Maybe you've been talking to a ghost... Or, maybe you shouldn't be getting into the liquor cabinet. Don't want to end up like your aunt, do ya?

Cheers,

Bob

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, I've been romantically pursuing this certain man for quite a while now, seems like centuries. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure the feelings are mutual.

The man in question seduced me, then soon after became engaged to my friend. I managed to regain him, only to have him shoot me on our wedding night. Then, three nights later, he strangled me. For many years, he's had a habit of necking with every woman he meets.

If I didn't know better, I'd say his feelings are ambivalent. Should I just forget this blood-sucking cad, or keep trying?

Signed,

Really Old Maid

Dear Bartender Bob:

So, I've been romantically pursuing this certain man for quite a while now, seems like centuries. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure the feelings are mutual.

The man in question seduced me, then soon after became engaged to my friend. I managed to regain him, only to have him shoot me on our wedding night. Then, three nights later, he strangled me. For many years, he's had a habit of necking with every woman he meets.

If I didn't know better, I'd say his feelings are ambivalent. Should I just forget this blood-sucking cad, or keep trying?

Signed,

Really Old Maid

Dear Really Old Maid:

Yup, looks like this batty joker is leaving you and every woman he meets feeling drained. Time to drive a stake into this relationship once and for all.

Cheers,

Bob