Guest Stars:

Valerie Bertinelli as Liz Diamond


Scene 1 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Evening

*As we open, Vera is shown cleaning around the apartment when Michael enters*

Michael (furious): Where the hell’s my supper, woman?!

Vera: You can’t say hey or nothin’ when you come in here?

Michael (furious): Fine then. Hey, woman. Where the hell’s my supper?!

*Vera sucks her teeth in aggravation*

Vera: It ain’t ready yet. So you gon’ have to wait. Now in the meantime, have seat and calm yo’ ass down.

*Michael groans, and eventually crosses over to the couch where he sits down*

Michael: I hope the food almost done cookin’.

Vera: I’m ‘bout to go check now.

Michael: Well, good. Hurry up, too.

*Vera goes into the kitchen to see how things are progressing with the food. Seconds later she returns to the living room*

Michael: Is the food almost done?

Vera: Nope.

*Michael groans*

Vera: Why you in such a hurry to eat? Ain’t nobody ‘bout to take food from you.

Michael: ‘Cause if you must know, I got a date.

Vera (surprised): A date? Who did you drug?

Michael: Well, apparently you if you think that cheap ass wig you got on can hide that Adam’s apple.

*Vera rolls her eyes*

Vera: Shut up, fool.

*Vera takes a seat in the armchair*

Vera: Y’all ain’t goin’ to no restaurant or nothin’?

*Michael shakes his head*

Michael: No. We gon’ have our date here, at the apartment.

Vera: What?!

Michael: Did I stutter?

Vera: So I guess I’m ‘posed to be cookin’ for two people?

Michael: Yup.

Vera: Why didn’t you run this by me before?

Michael: ‘Cause, Vera. When I look at you, I don’t think about runnin’. I think about screamin’.

Vera: The feelins’ mutual.

CUT TO: Opening Credits


Scene 2 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Later On

*Michael enters the living room, wearing a tuxedo*

Michael (talking to Vera): How do I look?

*Vera looks up at Michael*

Vera: Like a hot mess. So in other words, you look just fine.

Michael: Oh, shut up.

*Michael sits on the couch*

Michael: Instead of tryin’ to push my buttons, you need to worry ‘bout the food bein’ done.

Vera: I just turned off the stove. Now breathe.

*Michael picks up the remote and turns the TV on*

Michael: I know! While I’m waitin’ for my date to come, I’ll watch Sanford and Son on channel 21.

*Michael turns the TV to channel 21*

Announcer #1 on TV: Sanford and Son will be preempted tonight in favor of an awesome Andy Griffith marathon.

Michael (frustrated): Damnit! Nobody wanna watch The Andy Griffith Show. This is makin’ Michael real mad!

Vera: Hey, Hulk. Calm the hell down ‘fore you explode.

*Michael sighs*

Michael: I guess I’ll see what’s on channel 52. They always got good shows on.

*Michael turns the TV to channel 52*

Announcer #2 on TV: It’s the good, the bad, and the…Andy.

Michael: Oh, shut the hell up!

*Michael angrily turns the TV off*

Vera: Uh, about yo’ date, Michael. She comin’ over here or you goin’ to her place?

Michael: She comin’ over here.

Vera: Hmm. Tell me. How did you meet Miss Kitty?

Michael: Actually, I met her through a online program.

Vera: A online program?

Michael: Uh, yeah. It’s the latest thing.

Vera: No, I just think yo’ brain the latest thing to work. You sure you don’t mean a dating site?

Michael: No, I meant a online program. A online dating program, really.

Vera: A online dating program?

Michael: Uh…yeah. You probably heard of it. It’s called Try-A-Chick.

Vera: You wrong. I ain’t never heard of no Try-A-Chick. What you do in there?

Michael: It’s cool. All you gotta’ do is order a chick on the Try-A-Chick website, and she arrive at yo’ door exactly 30 days later, for free.

Vera: So it’s kinda like a package.

Michael: Kinda sorta. And man, I hope she come with one hell of a package.

*Michael looks at his watch*

Michael: Speakin’ of, what is keepin’ her? She should be here any-

*The doorbell rings*

Michael: Minute. That must be her. I’ll get it.

*Michael opens the door, to find his date, Liz at the door*

Liz: Hello! I’m Liz Diamond from Try-A-Chick. I’m looking for Michael Parker.

Michael (amazed): This is…he.

Liz: Well, nice to meet you, Michael. Boy, are you far more handsome in person than from description.

Michael (amazed): And you got big boobs.

Liz: Excuse me?

Michael (amazed): Nothin’, it’s just that I-

*Michael runs off to the bathroom*

Michael (in the bathroom): Hot damn!

*Michael then gets out of the bathroom and runs back to the door*

Michael (amazed): Sorry. You was sayin’ somethin’?

*Vera slowly walks up to the door, shocked*

Vera (shocked): Oh, my god!

Michael: How rude of me for not introducin’ you, Vera. Liz, this is Vera, my beloved plumber.

*Vera rolls her eyes*

Vera: Shut up, you big, black overgrown toenail. I just don’t believe it. Michael got a real date. She ain’t even rubber, I don’t think. Words to the wise, honey: dump this fool.

*Liz nods her head*

CUT TO: Scene 3


Scene 3 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Night

*Michael and Liz are sitting at the table, finishing their meal*

Liz: Oh, dinner was lovely. But you didn’t have to go through all the trouble of making Vera cook this fancy stuff, Michael.

*Vera enters the room, with a tray in her hand*

Vera: It was stew.

*Vera places the cutlery and bowls on the tray, and then heads back into the kitchen*

Michael: Oh, Liz! Silly me, I forgot to ask you if you’d like somethin’ to drink.

Liz: Well, I suppose a Diet Coke would hit the spot.

Michael: I don’t got no Diet Coke. You sure you don’t want no beer or some champagne or wine or somethin’ like that?

Liz: No, no, no. I’m not much of a drinker these days. But enough about me. What about you?

Michael: Me? I’d like some Liz juice.

*Michael giggles*

Liz: Well, you’re not gonna get any. At least not now.

*Michael laughs, but then quickly stops*

Liz: Anyways, I’d like to get to know you, Michael. All we’ve talked about since I got here is me. What about you? Like what are your…hobbies, for one?

Michael: Hobbies?

Liz: Yeah.

*Michael thinks for a minute*

Michael: Annoying the hell outta’ people, bein’ a jackass, gettin’ all excited over DVDS, and watchin’ TV.

*Liz slowly nods her head, confused*

Liz: Well, since you mentioned that you like to watch TV, I’m wondering what TV shows do you like to watch the most?

Michael: Well, umm, I don’t really got a favorite, but I guess I enjoy watchin’ stuff like Sanford and Son, The Jeffersons, Good Times, What’s Happening!!, The Cosby Show, Happy Days, Tyler Perry’s House of Payne.

Liz: Hmm. Well, my personal favorites are shows like The Jack Benny Program, The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, The Untouchables, Make Room For Daddy, Emergency!, Dragnet.

Michael: Wow: I ain’t never heard of half of them shows ‘til just now, but they sound old as hell.

Liz (offended): Well, sorry. I do happen to be a bit old fashioned when it comes to my selection of TV shows.

Michael: Speakin’ of oldness or whatever, how old are you?

Liz: 53.

Michael (shocked): You sure?

Liz: Well, of course I’m sure. How old are you, Columbo?

Michael: 40.

Liz: That’s not so young.

Michael (uncomfortable): Don’t make me feel any worse.

Liz: What?

Michael: Uhh, nothin’. I mean, maybe I’m just bein’ dramatic.

Liz: True.

Michael (uncomfortable): Meanin’ you was a teenager when I just a little baby.

Liz: I suppose so.

Michael: (uncomfortable): Yup. A whole teenager.

Liz: Well, Michael, I didn’t mean to make you feel so uncomfortable.

Michael: I ain’t uncomfortable. Who said I was uncomfortable?! I mean, I’d still smash, if you want me to.

Liz: It’s our first date, Michael. I hope you have other things on your mind.

*The doorbell rings*

Michael: Vera, go answer the door!

Vera (in the kitchen): I’m busy!

Michael: You gon’ be busy findin’ another job if you don’t go answer the door!

*Vera enters the room and goes to answer the door. When she opens it, she finds Helen standing there*

Helen, Well, hey there, Hera.

Vera: My name’s Ver-Oh, what the hell. Come in.

*Helen enters the apartment, and sees Michael at the table with his date*

Helen: Well, Michael, who is this woman?

*Michael sighs*

Michael: This my date, mama.

*Helen approaches Michael and his date at the table*

Helen, Well, I see you don’ got ya’ self a white woman, huh?

*Michale holds his head in embarrassment, while Vera smirks from a distance*

Helen: She look like she ‘bout my age.

CUT TO: Scene 4


Scene 4 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Living Room - Two Weeks Later

*Vera is sitting in the armchair while Michael is on the couch, watching TV*

Vera: What happened to that Liz lady?

Michael: I don’t know.

Vera: What you mean you don’t know?

Michael (annoyed): Like I said, I don’t know. She coulda’ got beamed up by martians or eaten by a grizzly bear, I wouldn’t know.

Vera: So I guess y’all didn’t hit it off.

Michael (annoyed): Look, please don’t question me. I am tryin’ to watch TV in peace, now go do some maidin’ or somethin’. It’s time for you to go cook my supper.

*Vera gets up*

Vera: Okay. But I know why you avoidin’ that woman.

Michael (annoyed): Why, nosy?

Vera: ‘Cause you scared.

Michael: Why would I be scared?

Vera: ‘Cause she older than you.

Michael: That ain’t it.

Vera: Is it ‘cause she white?

Michael: No.

Vera: Then why you actin’ like she got some kinda’ disease?

Michael: Fine! Maybe her bein’ older than me got somethin’ to do with it.

Vera: Exactly! And when you found out she was older than you you ran like you always do. Look, Michael. I might not like you that much. And you can get on people’s nerves sometimes. And you might be a sick, sorry son of a bitch. But let me give you some advice, baby. Give Liz another try. If you really like her for who she is, then age don’t matter. Now you remember that.

Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now quit botherin’ me while I’m watchin’ Designing Women and go cook.

*When Vera is on her way to the kitchen, the doorbell rings*

Michael: Vera, go get that.

*Vera pauses*

Vera: I thought you wanted me to cook you supper.

Michael: Yeah, after you answer the door.

*Vera sucks her teeth in aggravation*

Vera: I wish the damn door had designin’ women to open it.

*Vera answers the door, to find Liz standing there*

Liz: Hi, Vera! Where’s…

*Liz looks in the apartment and sees Michael sitting on the couch*

Liz: Michael.

*Michael notices that Liz is at the door and approaches her. Meanwhile, Vera stands back and eavesdrops*

Michael: What’s up?

Liz: Nothing’s really “up”, I suppose. It’s just that I noticed that you haven’t responded to any of my texts or answered any of my calls.

Michael: Really? I haven’t noticed.

Liz: Can I come in?

Michael: Sure.

*Liz enters the apartment*

Liz: Michael, I won’t beat around the bush. So I’ll just spit it out: Why have you been avoiding me?

Michael: What you mean?

Liz: I think you know exactly what I mean.

Michael: Well, think again.

Liz: Michael, did I gross you out or something when you learned that I was 13 years older than you?

Michael: Maybe.

Liz: That’s it, isn’t it?

Michael (under his breath): Yeah.

Liz: What?

Michael (a little louder): Yeah.

Liz: I can’t hear you.

Michael: Okay, fine! Maybe the thought of you bein’ older than me did scare me a little bit. But you don’t understand, Liz. All of the other women I been with was younger than me.

Liz: And you think I just prey on young, inexperience, shirtless 19 year olds? Michael, my ex-husband was 7 years older than me. Not that it mattered. Well, it mattered to him at least. He wanted someone who was more than just 7 years younger than him. He cheated on me with his cousin’s stepdaughter. She’s 23 years younger than him. And not because I drove him away and not because he truly loves her, but because he wanted to feel young and vibrant again. That’s not the case with me, though. I just want to be liked or better yet, loved, or at least like by a man again. But, if it’s too much for you to handle, I understand.

*Michael turns around and realizes that Vera is still in the room*

Michael (annoyed): Vera, quit bein’ nosy and cook me some supper.

*Vera goes into the kitchen. Once Michael sees that Vera is in the kitchen, he turns back around*

Michael: I enjoyed our date, Liz. Ya’ know, if it wasn’t for you bein’ 13 years older than me, I probably woulda’ responded to your texts and answered all of your calls. Look, Liz. Maybe we should take things slow. Like one of them old fashioned romances.

*Liz shrugs her shoulders*

Liz: I agree. I like the idea of that.

CUT TO: Scene 5


Scene 5 - Int. Michael’s Apartment - Bedroom - Night

*Michael and Liz are shown laying in Michael’s bed, naked, with nothing but the bedsheets covering their bodies as they heavily pant. They’ve obviously underwent a round of “lovemaking”*

Michael: Damn! That was…delicious. I didn’t know a 53 year old woman could do all that.

Liz: Well, I’ll show you some even meaner tricks in a minute. Just you wait for Round Two.

Michael: Oh, no. That’s enough. I’m all full now.

*Liz laughs*

Liz: Michael, do you think we’re rushing into this?

Michael: No, not at all. Remember, Liz. We takin’ things slow.

*Michael loudly farts, which makes Liz uncomfortable*

Liz (uncomfortable): Okay. That almost makes me not want to take anything dealing with you.


CLOSING CREDITS…

THE END

What does everyone think? I personally enjoyed to write the first episode more but I think this one is okay.

this one is good to and I want to see how Michael and Liz progress--if he keeps the relationship or decides the one night stand was enough for him, and the age thing is still a roadblock.

this one is good to and I want to see how Michael and Liz progress--if he keeps the relationship or decides the one night stand was enough for him, and the age thing is still a roadblock.
There should be one or two more Michael and Liz or “Miz” episodes. I won’t tell you why they break up, but I’ll just say right now that something shocking happens that destroys Michael.

Are there any other episode ideas that you would like?

I don't have the talent but the first thought was he meets another woman online who turns out to be a psychoanalyst. The usual banter with Vera when she comes over, and she immediately zeroes in on a Tyler Perry DVD Michael has on the TV. He pays more attention to the TV than her, so next thing you know she has him on the couch, and she's sitting there with a pad and pen asking questions. "Are you living a fantasy life thru these DVDs?" etc.

I don't know if that could go anywhere funny.

After he farted, he should have shoved her head under the covers so she would be forced to smell his stank! :lol:

After he farted, he should have shoved her head under the covers so she would be forced to smell his stank! :lol:
:lol:

I’m trying to figure out what to do for the third episode. As a “viewer”, do you have any ideas?

:lol:

I’m trying to figure out what to do for the third episode. As a “viewer”, do you have any ideas?

If you plan on splitting up Michael and Liz, maybe Helen could try setting him up with one of the church ladies?

If you plan on splitting up Michael and Liz, maybe Helen could try setting him up with one of the church ladies?
That sounds good. But I think for the next episode, we’ll see Michael get a job. Not 100% sure, but it’s a thought.

Michael needs a job because Hera is threatening to quit unless she gets more $$.

Michael needs a job because Hera is threatening to quit unless she gets more $$.

I'm imagining Michael working with computers. Maybe a computer tech?

Michael isn’t gonna work with computers, but he will work with shoes, after he lands a shoe salesman job. We’ll see how long that one will last. :lol:

Michael isn’t gonna work with computers, but he will work with shoes, after he lands a shoe salesman job. We’ll see how long that one will last. :lol:
He can pick up some loose women at the Lady Foot Locker! :lol:

He can pick up some loose women at the Lady Foot Locker! :lol:
I can just imagine the ending of episode 3, despite the fact that I haven’t even written anything yet. After driving one of his “unpleasant” female customers away, Michael’s pain-in-the-butt boss walks into the room and asks, “what on earth are you doing?” and the episode ends with Michael blatantly yelling, “I ain’t doing sh*t.” :lol:

Michael sits down on the shoestore stool, and before the well-built female customer has a chance to put her feet up on the slanted part of the stool, he finds he's too far forward, and slides down the slant, and goes spread-eagle into her legs. (I think I'm dredging up a Dick Van Dyke episode.)

"Excuse me! I think I remember this happening on one of my TV DVDs."

"Oh that's quite all right! I see you have three legs--how interesting."

etc.

To anyone who’s wondering what happened to this “show”, I’ve been rather busy recently so I haven’t had much time to do it. I’m on the fourth scene as we speak, so I think I’ll be done with the episode by at least next week.

To anyone who’s wondering what happened to this “show”, I’ve been rather busy recently so I haven’t had much time to do it. I’m on the fourth scene as we speak, so I think I’ll be done with the episode by at least next week.

Looking forward to the next episode! :):cool:

Good news about Episode 3 - I’ve already finished, and earlier than expected. I’m about to post it, so after it gets posted, please go check it out. :wave: