The funniest Lines I ever heard was the conversation between Andy and Opie about math.
Andy: There are 3 and a half boys per sqaure mile.
Opie: I never seen one.
Andy: Seen what?
Opie: A half a boy
Andy: It's not a boy, it's a ratio
Opie: Poor Horatio!
Andy: No! Ratio, not Horatio. Look, just forget about the half a boy and horatio.
Opie: Sure is hard to forget a thing like that Pa!

How about after Barney does an illegal u-turn and Gomer yells" Citi-zen's Arre-yest"?

How about

"Nobody leaves a washbasin the way you do, Barney!"

"I can't face the future knowin' there's eight more jars of pickles in it!"

"Al, Maude, I won't be held responsible if those hamburgers burn!"

My favorite is when Opie is feeding the birds he is taking care of and Barney hands him a pair of tweezers to feed them with. Then Andy strikes again;
Andy: Why the tweezers?

Barney: You get your spores on that food they can smell it and they won't go near it!

Andy: Really?

Barney: Sure!! The big game hunters on safari in Africa learned that when they were baiting tiger traps. If they touched the food the tigers wouldn't go near it.

Andy: You know, that's a good thing to know!

Barney: (a look of smug satisfaction)

Andy: Yep, next time I go tiger huntin' I'm gonna bring my tweezers.

This isn't word for word but it's as best as I can remember. This is one of the scenes that TV Land has seen fit to cut out in favor of more commercials, anyone else remember it?

THE GOMER PYLE QUOTES!

Gomer:He ain't stewpid!
Barney:What?!
Gomer:My cousin Goober. He's ugly but he ain't stewpid!

Gomer:That was the dumbest trick ever. That's so dumb! Barney, don't you ever call me "dumb" again.

Gomer:Yer flowers,yer corsage! Ya can't go to the dance unadorned.

Gomer:Pretty damp,might be spiders under there!
Barney:What make's you think that?
Gomer:If I was a spider that's where I'd go!
Barney:Gomer get down there with them spiders!

Citizens Arrest! Citizens Arrest! Citizens Arrest!

It's so easy for you Barn. Your so swayve and worldly.

Hey mister your all tied up to a tree!(duhh!)

My favorite episode is "Goober and the Art of Love". When he brings Lydia Croswaithe to Helen's house and interrupts a game of bridge, Barney has one of his best lines ever, and it's a line that actually goes nowhere!

Andy: "What's he doing?"
Lydia: "Who?"
Andy: "Your father."
Lydia: "He's working."
Andy: "Oh."
Barney: "That's good, that's good."
Andy: "What's good?"
Barney: "'Bout a man working. Some people are against work, but not me. I always said that if a man WORKS, and he LIKES his work, well there you have a man that......uhh.......um...."(trails off and puffs his cheeks comically)
Lydia: "My father hates his job."

I like the episode where Barney and Floyd are being held hostage by the 3 woman convicts. One of the convicts refers to Barney as "Al". When Barney is being threatened by the convict, Floyd says "better listen to them Al".

I like everytime when Barney would accidentally get drunk and Andy would say "Barney you're GASSED!!" LOL

Jenny http://www.sitcomsonline.com/ubb/smile.gif