Mildred K.: (sarcastically)"No, they just buried her for a joke."



Officer Simpson: "Your father's been shot."

Julie: "Dad, what happened?"
Carl: "This idiot shot me."

Carl: (to Simpson)"What the hell were you doin', firin' off your gun in a police station for?"

Stanley K.: "There goes a man who gives a whole new meaning to the word 'jackass'."

Samantha: "Dad... aren't you afraid of croaking?"

Bob: Angie, you are too much!

Nell: "Nobody should be watching Richard Dawson kiss a blue-haired old lady."

Carl: "Well, a man's gotta eat."

Samantha: "A month without TV? That's stupid."

Joey: "Every time I think about it I wanna puke."

Katie:
Dad, it's hard for Nell to stick to her diet when you're stuffing your face like that.

Chief:
I'm not stuffing.

Nell:
Right. He's eating for two in case he gets pregnant.

Chief:
See what happens? You take away their trough and they get vicious?

Nell:
It's no problem. I'm eating clean, lean, and healthy. After all, you are what you eat. Another helping of jackass, Chief?

(Last lines of the series.)
Nell: (to Mama)"... I'm real sorry."
Maybelle "Mama" Harper: "Well, you should be. Hmph!"

(First line of the series.)
Nell: "Me, me, me. You, you, you."

Samantha: "It's not fair that boys can beat you up."

Samantha: "Nell, I hate dresses! They show off your boobies."

George : Chief Kanisky... I want you to know it wasn't just just. I mean... Ihave deep emotional feelings for Julie.
Chief : You're too *short* for deep emotions.
Julie : Daddy... George is very sensitive about his height.
Chief : *What* height?

(Samantha enters.)
Stanley: "Ohh, Samantha! How was the ball game?"
Samantha: "It was called on account of a fight."
Stanley: "Oh, the kids got in a fight?"
Samantha: "No, the fathers did?"
Julie: "What were they fighting about?"
Samantha: "Whether or not the umpire's the son of a female dog."

Nell: "No, I think she meant since the wedding."

Stanley: "Well, it was an enormous fly. I thought it was a 747."

Midred: "Yeah, it takes a chiropractor to turn his back."

Stanley: "From your mouth to God's ears."

Mildred: "Another woman. I knew it. I'm paying the price for all those headaches."

Samantha: "Uh-oh, they're gonna talk about sex."

Mildred: "Nothing worse than a man you can't nag."

Nell: "Yeah. That's Latin for 'kick the old folks out.'"

Simpson: "Should I shoot him, Chief?"

Stanley: "...why is it easier in this country, for a crook, to get money than an honest man?"

Nell:I told you about teasing each other , Samantha is sensitive you should know that by now

Joey:You’re right Aunt Nell they tease me and I’m sensitive

Nell:that’s right baby you are sensitive now butt out!

Nell: "You know what you're going to do? You're going to go over to that church and apologize to Addy, Reverend Winfield and everyone in that congregation."