Frank Gannucci
01-22-2021, 08:56 AM
Honeymooners Episode Reviews: "Honeymooners Xmas Carol" & "Honeymooners Valentine’s Special":
Episode #223
TV: This episode has not been scene since its original airdate.
DVD: Attached to “Honeymooning Behind The Scenes” (a Jean Kean interview.)
Air Date: Mon. 11/28/77
"Honeymooners XMas Carol":
This episode starts with Ralph Kramden entering the Gotham Bus Company locker room. I guess that the company changed its name back to the Gotham Bus Company since it was called the Madison Avenue Bus Company in "To Whomever It May Concern." The locker room sure looks different than it was during the Lost & Classic 39 episodes. The locker room is decorated with Christmas decorations. A big crash is heard from outside. All the drivers that were in the locker room go out to see what the big crash was. Ralph comes in. Ralph says hello to Pop Parker, the custodian. Rod asks what that big crash that he just heard was. Ralph says that when he was parking, he backed into a sign that said: "Our bus drivers are the most careful bus drivers in the world." Ralph doesn't care. He will be spending seven days in Miami, Florida. He is staying at his brother-in-law's condo. Rod says that he is retiring in three months and he will be moving down to Miami. He leaves. Ralph opens his locker, combs his moustache and utters that controversial line: "Frankly sweetheart, I don't give a (darn)." He didn't say darn, but I think you know what he said. Ed comes down. Ralph: "When you see the mistletoe around here, don't give me a kiss. Anita Brant may be in the area." Ed is giving Trixie a silver-plated cocktail shaker for Christmas. He got that prize for winning the highest score playing pinball. Ed: "When you shake it, it plays `Cocktails For Two.'" Ed shakes it, but all that is heard is a gunshot and a whistle. Ed: "It's the Spike Jones version." Ed gives Ralph a present too. It's one ear plug that he can take while swimming. According to Ed, Ralph won't need the other plug since only one ear will be underwater. Mr. Marshall (played by Gale Gordon who gets a round of applause from the audience) comes in. Ralph introduces Ed to Mr. Marshall. Mr. Marshall is looking for someone with theatrical experience to direct "A Christmas Carol." Mr. Marshall's wife is putting on a play for charity. The charity: To feed all the stray cats in the city. Mr. Marshall: "She has a motto for it. `Make a kitty cat Merry at Christmas.'" Ralph: "Your wife must be a splendid woman." Mr. Marshall: "Oooh, she is indeeeed." Ed: "Out of all the times that I went to Macy's at Christmas time, not once did I see a cat sitting on Santa's knee." Mr. Marshall: "Does he (Ed) work for us?" Ralph: "No." Mr. Marshall: "Good. I once had a secretary like him. Her name was Lucy. A real screwball." That was an inside joke because Gale and Lucille Ball were co-stars on a TV show in which Lucy played Gale's secretary. (I think you might know what show I am referring to.) According to Mr. Marshall, Jim Guild did the play last year, but he is unavailable because he married Mr. Marshall's daughter and they are on vacation in France. Mr. Marshall then asks Ralph to think of a person who could direct the play. He leaves to talk to Pop Parker. Ralph thinks that the guy who directs that play will be a lucky man. Ralph: "Take Jim Guild. He was a bus driver. Than after he directed the play, he became a traffic manager and then voile (meaning voila) he gets married to Mr. Marshall's daughter." Ralph volunteers to direct the play. Ed: "I have theatrical experience. I was in the Navy with Jerry Vale." What about the time (or times) that he appeared with Ralph for the Halsey Theater Amateur Contest (that was won by Alice & Trixie)? Ralph asks Ed to tell Mr. Marshall that Ralph will direct the play because he is too modest. Ralph, too modest? Mr. Marshall comes in and gets the news that Ralph will direct the play. Ralph says that he was in a play once. Ed says that he has theatrical experience, he played UNDER Broadway. Ralph: "Ed played in the UNDERGROUND Theater. If I am not qualified, may this building fall down on me." Ralph looks up to see if the building will fall down on him. Mr. Marshall's favorite play is "A Christmas Carol" because he finds Scrooge such a lovable character. Mr. Marshall says that the play will go on Dec. 24 and wishes Ralph good luck. He leaves. A play on Christmas Eve? Ed hides his present to Trixie in Ralph's locker. Ed finds out that Ralph has the dates December 21-28 are circled on Ralph's calendar. Ralph: "That is when I & Alice are going to Miami…Norton; I can't take her on that vacation." Ralph says that he also can't tell Mr. Marshall that he can't do the play. Ralph is now in a quandary. Mr. Marshall comes back in with the news that his wife is so happy that Ralph will direct the play. Ralph said that he might not be able to do the play. Mr. Marshall: "Did you lie to me? I don't like liars. I don't like them at all." After finding out that Mr. Marshall fired Pop Parker, Ralph decides to take on the responsibility of director, but he will need help. Ralph: "Ed can't help me. He doesn't know anything about theater." Ed: "I can help you." Mr. Marshall: "Good. You will be the director." He leaves. Ralph blames Ed for the spot that he is in. Ed tells Ralph to look on the bright side and tell Alice the good news if he directs the play. One of the pieces of good news is that he (Ralph) could marry the boss' daughter. Ed leaves.
At 3am. Ralph is arguing with Alice in the bedroom. Alice is steamed that she is not going to Miami and has been steamed ever since Ralph came home with the news. Ralph comes out in LOUD pajamas. The pajamas have different colored stripes on them. Alice follows. Ralph is going to sleep in the kitchen because he can't sleep with Alice hollering at him. Alice: "I will stop hollering when you tell your boss that you can't direct that play because you are taking your wife to Florida." Ralph: "I can't do that. It's for charity." Alice: "Some charity: `Make a kitty cat Merry at Christmas.' I will take a cat to Miami with me and when he gets back, he will be the only cat with a sun tan." Ralph gets out the cot as Alice says that Ralph is allergic to cats. Ralph: "I can't tell the boss that I can't direct the play because I promised him." Alice: "Who is number 1 in your life, your boss or me?" Ralph: "At 3am, that is an unfair question." Alice (yells): "ANSWER ME!" A voice is heard saying (yells): "ANSWER HER KRAMDEN SO WE CAN GET OUR SLEEP." Ralph identifies the person as McGarrity even though his voice sounds different. I guess that the guy changed his last name from McGarrity to Garrity to McGarrity again. Ralph (yells): "WHY AREN'T YOU OUT CELEBRATING MCGARRITY? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT IS NATIONAL MUSKATELL WEEK?" Ralph & Alice continue arguing. Ralph goes to open the cot. He can't open it. He tries to open it; a sound effect that doesn't look like it would come from a cot is heard and hurts his finger. Almost like the times that he tried to open the cot in "Alice's Aunt Ethel", "Goodbye Aunt Ethel" & "Battle of The Sexes." Alice asks Ralph if he hurt himself. She thought that he did when he heard him screaming. Ralph: "If I can open that cot, I will go to sleep." Alice opens it for him with no problem. Ralph: "Let me sleep." Alice: "Not until you promise to take me to Miami Ralph." Ralph: "After I get that promotion, we will visit France and Greece, we will dance on the tables in Spain, we will wade in the Roman fountains and on our way home in our rented yacht, we will hop scotch to the Caribbean." Alice: "I don't need to visit Greece to see the ruins. I live in one in Brooklyn. I already dance on the tables every time a cockroach comes across this floor. I don't need to wade in the Roman fountains. I can do that every time the plumbing is backed up in the bathroom. Ralph says that after all the places that they will visit; they will visit the number 1 tourist attraction in America which is Billy Kotter's Gas Station. Alice: "I don't have to go there either. I have a full tank right here." She pokes at Ralph's stomach. Ralph tries to go to sleep on the cot but he makes the cot lopsided and falls down. Ralph orders Alice to set the alarm. She does do all right. She sets it so it will ring right about now. Alice: "Okay. Round 2. When are you going to take me to Miami?" Ed comes down. He heard the arguing. He has cameras with him because he figures that the police will come down here and he would send the pictures to the Daily News. Ed vows to settle their argument by going to the window, opening up and yelling for all those in favor of Alice to say "I" and for all those in favor of Ralph to say "I." A lot of people say "I" for Alice while only a “cat” meows after Ed yells: "ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF RALPH, SAY: `I!'" Ralph tries to kick Ed out, but Ed doesn't leave. After Ed asks Alice to hear her side, he sits down on Ralph's cot which causes it to be lopsided and causes Ralph to fall down. Alice: "I want to go to Miami so I can see my sister in her condo." Ed: "Do you know that they are turning this building into a condo? I saw a sign." Alice: "Ed, they are just repainting a sign that has been there for 10 years and it doesn't say `condo.' It says: `Condemned." Alice doesn't want to fight anymore. She is just disappointed. She thought that after 25 years, a bond of trust and understanding had been made. She would like to have thought that after Ralph's boss asked him to be the director, Ralph would say that he would think about it and ask her first. She would have never stood in his way. But when he came in that door tonight with the news, she knew that for the first time, her marriage lacked the substance to hold it together. Alice looks like she is almost ready to cry. Alice: "The sensitivity, trust and love. It is very sad to discover that after 25 years." Ralph promises that after he directs that play, he would take Alice on the best vacation that she has ever had. He puts it down in writing with Ed writing it. Ralph signs it. Ed says that he will have it notarized since he's a Notary Republic. Ed asks for $2 because that is the fee that he charges. Ralph says no and he and Alice go to the bedroom. Ed grabs a chicken leg and attempts to sit on the cot, but his sitting down on it makes it lopsided and he falls down. Ralph comes out. Ed: "My pound of flesh (referring perhaps to the chicken leg.)"
The next day, Alice is ironing part of her costume for the play. Trixie comes down. Alice said that Ralph bribed her to be in the play and she accepted. Ed Norton is the assistant director. Ralph was not satisfied with Charles Dickens' original version of the play, so he re-wrote it. Oh boy! Alice: "This may be a bigger blow with our relations to England than the Revolutionary War." Ed comes out wearing pants, for whatever reason; look to be very thick in the quad area but not anywhere else. Ralph comes out with a VERY LOUD outfit and with an assgot on which looks like a VERY BIG tie. In the play, Ralph plays Daddy Cratchett, Alice plays Mother Cratchett, Trixie plays the Cratchett's 13-year-old daughter and Ed plays Tiny Tim. Ed starts singing: "Tip Toe Through The Tulips." Ralph: "Not THAT Tiny Tim." Ed also plays the villain, Scrooge. Ed remembers that Tiny Tim walked with a limp. He asks Ralph what kind of limping he wants. According to wkipedia.org, Art Carney suffered a gun shot in I think World War II which caused him to walk with a slight limp for the rest of his life. For the longest time, I never noticed it. Ralph asks for a little bit of that Pappy McKoy limp with a little dash of a Frankenstein limp. Ralph sets the scene. The Cratchett's are very poor and so is their house, almost like the Kramden house. A man comes in with posters advertising the play. Man: "I don't need a tip. Just looking at you and Ed is good enough. Ha ha." He leaves. Alice (reading the poster): "'Ralph Kramden presents A Christmas Carol starring, directed and produced by Ralph Kramden.'" Ralph: "Mooreritee (sp?) (sp?) The Undertaker paid for the posters and during the play, I am going to give him a plug and I am going to do this with all the stores that helped me out. Mooreritee (sp?) the Undertaker has got a new place called the New-Frills Funeral." Alice looks at the script and notices that one of the plugs is Manicotti (as in Mrs. Manicotti). Ralph: "Mrs. Manicotti helped me out and I promised I would do a plug one of the restaurants that her son manages." Alice & Trixie read the plug which constitutes them singing: "Hold the pickles/hold the lettuce/special orders, don't upset us/just as we let it have it your way." An old Burger King jingle. Two men come in with a big tub of corn flakes. Ralph says that they will be spray painted to look like snowflakes. "Just like in the movies" according to Ralph. Ralph: "Then we get a great big net. Don't you say it Alice. We put the corn flakes in the net, hang the net over the stage and when the snow scene comes, we tug on a rope and the snow flakes gently fall down from heaven." Gee, Ralph believes that the "snowflakes" will fall down just like in the movies with his way of releasing them? How stupid is Ralph? Ralph claims that he is a genius. Ralph assigns Alice & Trixie to spray the flakes. Alice says no and they won't be in his stupid play. They quit. Mr. Marshall comes in. Mr. Marshall: "Who are these charming ladies?" Ralph introduces them. Mr. Marshall hopes that they will be in the play because he thinks that such beauty deserves to be on stage. Mr. Marshall says that Ralph's efforts to be rewarded and says that he will give the wives each a present. He leaves. The girls now want to be in. Ralph & Ed will go upstairs to work on the script. They leave. The girls get the spray cans ready. Alice wants to pull a practical joke on Ralph. So she calls Ralph to come on down. Both girls get on opposite sides of the door and when the door opens, they spray…Mr. Marshall who came in with presents for the girls. He is not pleased and neither are the girls.
It's play night. Mr. Marshall tells the audience what they are about to see. The curtain rises. Carolers sing: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." As they are singing, the town crier (played by Johnny Olsen) says: "Six o' clock and all is well." This message is brought to you by Mooreritee (sp?) the Undertaker. Mooreritee (sp?) says take advantage of my year-end clearance. Go now and save. GO ON DOWN." Johnny says "ON DOWN" the same way as he did when he was an announcer on a certain CBS game show that is still shown even after 35 years at 11am Eastern (I think you know what game show I am referring to). At the Cratchett household, Mother Cratchett (Alice with a brunette wig) comes out to sweep the front steps. It is supposed to be cold out and she is not even wearing a coat. The daughter comes out, also with no coat. The daughter is complaining about them being poor and what will happen if they can't pay the rent (that being Scrooge will evict them). Daddy Cratchett and Tiny Tim come by. Tiny Tim "limps" but you can tell that the limp is not real. Daddy Cratchett said that his solution to their money problems didn't work. Ralph: "Our lousy horse ran 3rd AT COLDER (sp?) RACE TRACK. OPEN EVERY DAY." Ralph says that he and Tiny Tim haven't eaten in two days. Ralph (yells): "SO WE STOPPED AT FATCHUMATA MOTZERONNI'S PIZZERIA." Mother said that they didn't have any money. Daddy said that they went to a gentleman and asked for a bite because they didn't have one in two days, so the man bit them. Daddy: "It smells like snow." Tim: "It smells more like corn flakes to me." A picture from this scene is in "The Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book. They all go inside to start a fire. The daughter opens the window and sees Mr. Scrooge. Tim says that he can't see him so Daddy yells: "DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T SEE HIM?" Ed finally remembers that he is also Scrooge. Daddy (as the camera veers to the left, yells): "HERE COMES MR. SCROOGE NOW. MERRY CHRISTMAS MR. SCROOGE." Scrooge comes out with the same limp as Tim. Scrooge: "Sorry Ralph. Christmas: Bah humbug. I came to evict everyone. Everybody out." He also plugs the "Scrooge Eviction Company." He yells at them to get out. They all do, except for Tim for obvious reasons. Scrooge: "Where's the kid? Come on out Tiny Tim?" Daddy (yells): "WHY DO YOU THINK HE'S NOT COMING OUT? I KNOW YOU ARE EVICTING EVRYONE MR. SCROOGE." Scrooge goes in to get Tiny Tim. We see a person helping Ed changing his costume on stage. Tiny Tim & Scrooge have a "fight." As Scrooge & Tim talk to Ralph though the window, Ed off course gets the costumes mixed up. Scrooge finally gets "Tiny Tim." (Actually, "Tiny Tim" during this moment was a stuffed-up dummy.) This is all very funny. I should note that the "house" is very small. It's about the size of a bathroom. Daddy: "You certainly have spunk Tiny Tim." He throws the dummy back in. The "real" Tiny Tim comes out. During Tim's fight with Scrooge inside, Tim picked his pocket and found money. Mom: "It won't be proper to keep that money. Daddy: "Remember moral righteousness." (to the crowd, yells): "HE IS THE SECOND DOG IN THE THIRD RACE AT THE MIAMI KENNEL CLUB." The town crier comes out. Town Crier: "Seven o' clock and all is well." Wasn't it six o' clock a few minutes ago? Town Crier: "Time for the 7pm weather report. There's a 20% chance of snow. This report brought to you by the Landmark Bank at Fort Lauderdale." Ralph Kramden got help for his local play from people who are far away as Florida? Daddy: "It certainly looks like snow…I said it certainly looks like snow." Ed (yells): "RALPH WANTS THE SNOW." Ralph is upset. In hilarious fashion, the "snow" falls…like a thud. Snow falling down like a thud doesn't look believable. The snow doesn't look like the corn flakes that Ralph shown everyone earlier. The scene ends. Considerating how much of the play that is shown in this episode, how much sense does the ending of this scene make for a good ending of a Christmas play?
After the play while everyone is on the set, Ralph says that the play was a big smash. Everyone is happy. Mr. Marshall comes out with his wife and her cat. Mr. Marshall and his wife thank Ralph. Ralph is rewarded by getting Mr. Marshall's wife's pregnant cat. Mrs. Marshall: "Phyllis, my cat may have as much as eight cats." The Marshalls leave. Ralph is not pleased. Ralph apologizes to Alice for what he did. Mr. Marshall comes back. He forgot to give Ralph the news that Ralph has finally been promoted to Traffic Manager. Ralph: "All my life, I have never done anything right. Why now?" Alice: "It's Christmas time Ralph." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." Everyone kisses their respective spouses.
Jackie comes out and addresses the people for the curtain call. He ends up singing: "The Party Is Over" in tribute to Bing Crosby who died shortly before this episode was made.
During the credit roll, the ABC announcer plugs an ABC show, the special, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town", ABC News Close-up. "The Class That Went To War" and an NFL football game that features Buffalo vs. Oakland.
Episode #224
TV: This episode has not been shown since its original air date
DVD: Attached to a Honeymooners parody skit from a 1971 episode of The Kopy Kats Kopy TV in which Shelia MacRae plays Alice, George Kirby plays Ralph and Rich Little plays Ed. This DVD includes a Color Honeymooners Promo that is similar to the syndicated opening of the show but the clips differ. I believe MPI made that promo as there is no CBS announcer promoting the show.
Air Date: Mon. 2/13/78
"Honeymooners Valentine's Day Special":
The few seconds of the opening video are the same as the Color Honeymooners except band music is playing and Johnny says: "Coming to you from Gusman Hall in Miami's New World Center: Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners. Starring Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows & Jean Kean." (yells): "AND AWAY WE GO!"
The Kramden apartment is shown. Alice comes out and starts cooking. Trixie comes. Alice has a job as a switchboard operator so she can buy Ralph his Valentine's Day present. Alice has a paper of the calls that she made down at the office. There were a lot if interesting calls. He tells them. Armand, a handsome guy who runs an escort service, has called Alice several times on the job. Alice wants to hide the list from Ralph, so she and Trixie pull both ends of the table so Alice can put the list in the middle. Alice is going to give Ralph a tailor-made suit, but since he lost so much weight, she has to get his measurements without him knowing it. Ralph proposed to Alice on Valentine's Day. Trixie says that Ed proposed to her on Groundhog's Day. In the episode entitled: "Finders Keepers", Ed said that Trixie proposed to HIM. Every Groundhog's Day, she doesn't get a present. Ralph comes home. His hair is more gray than dark by now. He also combs his mustache Trixie leaves. Ralph is going to stay home, rather than go bowling. Alice wants him to go bowling, so he doesn't know that Alice is going to work. Alice: "What is your waist measurement?" Ralph: "146." Alice: "That is your waist measurement?" Ralph: "No, that is my bowling average. I thought that tonight, we can sit down on the couch and do a little necking." They have a couch? Alice says that they don't. Ralph: "We can put the two chairs together and do it on that." Alice says that she has plans for the night. She is going to help her sister hang the drapes. Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes in looking fatter than Ralph. Ralph says that she is going to give her a stereo, a color TV and a soundless electric kitchen on credit. Ed: "That must have been expensive." Ralph: "Yeah. I had to put $5 down." Ralph says that he will get things in here without her seeing with not a big problem since she is running out every night. The payments are $10 a month for a long time as evidenced by the LONG contract. It is so long that it looks like a petition for more traffic lights. Ralph wants to hide it, so he & Ed open the table. Ralph discovers the list of phone calls Alice has made. D'oh! He & Ed read the fact that Armand has made a lot of phone calls. He puts the list back where he & Ed found it. Ralph is going to make Alice convict herself. Ralph will look into Alice's eyes and see what she is up too. Alice comes out with dark sunglasses on. This funny moment was shown on the Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Special on CBS in 2002. Alice goes to get her keys. Ralph orders Ed to follow her when she leaves. Alice leaves. Ed leaves but he comes back saying how he is going to follow her. Ralph orders him to leave. Ed leaves. Ed comes back and asks for a trench coat. Ralph (yells): GET OUT!" Ed leaves but comes back when he says he lost her on the stairs. They did this same bit in the Honeymooners Lost Episode entitled "Love Letter."
In the next scene, Alice is writing an insurance policy card for Ralph. Trixie comes down. Armand called Alice twenty times. Alice puts the new list in the middle hole of the table. Ralph comes home. Alice is staying home but she has to run up to Trixie's. Ed: "What are we having for dinner and it better not be leftovers." Trixie: "All right. Srevotfle." Ed: "What is that, a Russian dish?" Trixie: "That is leftovers spelled backwards." The girls leave. Ed got the phone book Ralph opens the table and notices the list with Armand's calls. They look up the new names in the phone book Ed, being Ed, takes a long time. They look up the name Duke. Ed said that he had a dog named Duke. I thought that Ed was allergic to dog hair. Well, then again, in the episode entitled: "The Sleepwalker", he had a dog named Lulu. They also find out that some of the names on the list are a druggist, an insurance person, a guy who runs a funeral home and a guy that runs a cemetery. Ralph thinks that Alice is going to kill him. He also notices the new paper with Armand's twenty calls. Ralph says that Valentine's Day is coming up and he proposed to Alice on that day. He got her a diamond engagement ring for $14. On that night, Ralph took Alice to Jersey to some joint where they had two zombies-a-piece. The orchestra was called: Sammy K and the Swinging Orchestra. Sammy had a contest called: "Lead The Band." Sammy got a bunch of guys including him to lead the band. Ralph's song for the contest: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Ralph won. The crowd loved it, especially Alice since she never had two zombies before. Ralph's prize: An autographed baton, then he went to propose to Alice and she accepted. That was their song: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Wow! Ralph goes to show Ed the baton but he can't find it. Ralph thinks that Armand has his baton. Ed tells Ralph that when Alice kills him, it can be anytime. Alice comes home and Ed leaves. Ed: "I hope I see you later." Ralph goes to get Alice her apron. Alice has Ed's measuring tape. Since his supper won't be ready for a few minutes, she asks him to take a nap. Ralph is suspicious. He won't. Ralph: "I am never going to take another nap as long as I live." Ralph sits down. Behind Ralph's back, she tries to measure him. Ralph hears the tape and gets up. Ralph: "I heard a noise Alice." Alice (frightened in a sarcastic way): "Was it a scary noise Ralph?" She goes to measure his waist. Alice: "Please protect me." Ralph: "I heard that noise again Alice." Alice: "My earring fell off. I think it fell under the bureau. Can you get it for me please?" Ralph lies down as Alice measures his waist line. Wow! Ralph lies on his stomach to get it as Alice measures his left pant leg. Alice: "I left my earring in the bedroom." Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes in and seeing Ralph on the floor thinks that Alice killed him. Boy is Ed stupid. Ralph gets up and Ed thinks that now he is a ghost. Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Ralph tells Ed that Alice just measured him for a coffin.
In the next scene, Alice has the tablecloth ready and is preparing dinner. Alice (yells): "RALPH, ARE YOU SLEEPING?" Ralph (yells): "I AM WIDE AWAKE ALICE!" Alice goes upstairs to Trixie's to get some bread. Ralph comes out and we can see that the wallpaper in the apartment hallway is much darker. Ed comes in. Ralph is going nuts. He hasn't slept in three days. Ed says that he can't take a quick nap. Ed says that when he is in the sewer, it isn't glamorous that people say it is and if he fell asleep on the job, he can drown. So when he gets sleepy, he turns on some music and starts to move a little. Ed turns on his portable radio and the music that "comes out" of that radio sounds like the music from the opening of the show. Ed and Ralph dance around. Ralph dances the same way as he did in "Mama Loves Mambo." Ralph then yells at Ed to turn the music off. Ed: "I see that you are not asleep." Ralph (yells): "NO, I AM UNCONSCIOUS." Ralph apologizes to Ed. Ralph: "When I die, I want you to have my bowling ball and my new pool cue stick." Ed: "Maybe you better take a nap." Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!" Alice brings down a loaf of bread. Ralph sees Alice with a knife and gets scared. Ralph: `I know that I haven't been a good husband, but do I deserve this?" Alice: "You deserve it and you are going to get it." Ralph wants to tell Alice what he got for her for Valentine's Day, but Alice says she got something for him. Alice: "It is bigger than a breadbox." Ralph (yells): "IT SURE IS!" Alice: "It will also cover you from your head to your toes." Ha! Alice: "Why don't you sit down so I can give it to you?" Ralph: "I rather get it standing up." When Ralph asks Alice if she ever wanted to get a divorce, she says no. She meant the vow that he and Ralph took at their wedding. Ralph: "What vow?" Alice: "'Till Death Do Us Part.'" Alice has a special meal prepared for Ralph. Ralph: "So that is how I am going to get it." Alice gets Ralph his dinner. Ralph: "What is it?" Alice: "It is a surprise." Ralph: "I know that, but what is in it?" Alice: "Everything." Ralph: "You are not taking any chances are you?" Alice puts the secret ingredient on it. Ralph is even more suspicious. Alice: "You will remember that for the rest of your life." Ralph orders Alice to taste it. Alice: "I am trying to lose weight." Ralph: "If I taste it, you will lose weight. About 210 pounds." Alice puts saccharine (sp) into Ralph's drink. Ralph: "Got anything else that the government banned to put in my food?" Alice tries to leave. Ralph tries to sing: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Alice: "Eat that Ralph and you won't need any bananas." Alice leaves. Ralph tries to see where Alice is going. Ed comes down. Ed tires to eat Ralph's dinner. Ralph warns Ed that there is poison in it. Ed coughs the same way that he did in the Color Honeymooners. Ralph says that Ed is about to die in three minutes because of those poison mushrooms that he ate. Ed doesn't want Trixie to know since that she hates it when he eats between meals. Ralph says that he knows that Ed was a good man when he was alive and when he dies, he will see to it that he gets buried in his Raccoon uniform with all of his fellow Raccoons by his side humming the Raccoon hymn and when it is all over, Ralph will escort his remains to the Raccoon National Cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota. He said the same thing in "The Loudspeaker." According to Ralph, three minutes are up and he's not dead. It didn't seem like three minutes to me. Ralph: "Maybe Alice didn't poison that." Ed resumes to eating it. What kills Ralph is that she might kill him before Ralph can get his hands on that dirty bum Armand. Ralph & Ed will call Armand up and make a date with them. Ed will dress up as a woman looking for a date. Ed will be a woman looking for some action, while Ralph will be his mother. He will fit into one of Mrs. Manicotti's dresses. He will kill Armand on the date. Ed: "This will be the first blind date I have been on since my date with Trixie. I hope this one turns out better than that." They leave to make the call.
In the next scene, Ed comes out with a red shirt, a skirt, stockings and a big black-haired afro wig. He looks hilarious. Ralph comes out in a gray-haired wig, a gold dress and it looks like he has a RIDICULOUSLY BIG bra on. He looks funnier. On one of my copies of this episode (I did a tape trade long before this episode was released onto DVD), there is a cut between Ralph coming out and him saying to Ed: "Now, let me fix your hair." As I said before, I did a tape trade with a guy and the person who recorded this, must have hit the Stop button on his VCR and pressed Record (or Record & Play) when Ralph said to Ed: "Now, let me fix your hair." Ed: "I rather do it myself." Ralph hides his mustache with a veil when he answers the door. Armand comes in. Ed identifies himself as Virginia-Charlotte. Ralph: "My name is Mrs. Finnegan." Ed: "I smoke everyday in the sewer." Ralph gets them some hors d' oeuvres. Armand: "Your mother is a fine figure of a woman." I think Armand needs some glasses. Ed: "You remind me of my first love Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter." Armand: "Why are you wearing that veil?" Ed: "To cover up his…" Ralph hits Ed. Ralph: "I am in mourning. You see my husband Abdullah died.” Ed: "He died because he thought I can drink more than he could." Armand will go on a date as long as he pays for it, even an old one. When Ralph asks him, if he goes on date to a Chinese restaurant with a girl named Alice, he asks him who will pick up the tab. Armand: "Alice." Ed: "Daddy's camel's name was Alice." Ralph goes into the bedroom so Ed and Armand can be alone. Ed says that his daddy died six years before he was born. Wow! Armand is wearing a mustache that looks fake. Armand her and "her" and "her mom" look strange, but he finds "her" (Ed) very attractive. Armand says that "she" has a beautiful face. Ed: "You look like my dad's camel." Surprisingly, Armand isn't offended. Armand asks "her" out for a date to go to the movies tomorrow night and HE will pay. Armand's other girlfriends used to wine him, dine him and then he cast them away like an old shoe. Ralph comes out. Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! THAT DID IT! SO YOU ARE GOING TO CAST MY ALICE ASIDE LIKE AN OLD SHOE, HUH?" Ralph goes to fight Armand. Armand: "Are YOU his MOTHER?" Alice & Trixie arrive. Ralph says that he has finally caught up to Alice's scheme. Alice tells him the real story. Alice is upset. She also gives Ralph back his autographed baton, which is now bronzed. Ralph is apologetic. Armand says that Ralph owes him $20. Ralph declines and kicks him out. Ed is crying since now he can't go to the movies with Armand.
The curtain rises and shows the Kramden apartment, now has a stereo, an all soundless electric kitchen, and a color TV. There are wires all over the place. Ralph plugs everything into a surge protector. He plays romantic music on the stereo. He calls the Nortons and Alice down. Everyone is so happy. Ralph kisses Alice and wishes her a Happy Valentine's Day. Ralph turns on every one of the soundless kitchen appliances. He turns on the furnace, puts some bread for toasting and gets some wine from the fridge. Ralph asks Ed to make a toast that is important for the occasion. Ed does. Ed: "Down the hatch." That moment was shown on the Larry King Live Honeymooners Special as well as the 50th Anniversary Special. Ralph says that it is now time to watch the 6 O' Clock News with Bob Rowe Wallace. First, I thought he said Barbara Walters, but I was wrong. Ralph turns on the TV. An explosion is heard and sparks fly from the TV. The stereo explodes as well as the whole soundless electric kitchen. Smoke is filling up the room. Ralph is not pleased. Ed: "I think that the toast is burnt." Ha! Ha!
During the curtain call, Jackie is standing in front of a red curtain. As music is being played, he thanks everyone. Jackie says that they had a wonderful time tonight and hopes that everyone did too. He introduces the cast. When he introduces Art, Art still raises his right leg like he did in the Color Honeymooners' curtain calls. He praises the Miami audience by saying that they are the BEST in the world and says good night.
During the credit roll, an announcer (I think it was Charlie O' Donnell) says that the Honeymooners has been brought to you by the men & women of The International Ladies Garment Union. Johnny Olsen says: "From Gusman Hall in Miami, Florida for Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners saying goodnight everyone. The background of the credit roll is the Miami skyline at night. In my copy of this episode, an ABC announcer says: "Thursday Night Excitement" and then plugs an episode of that 1970s show that starred John Travolta (I think you know what show I am referring to) as well as some other special, as well as an episode of a TV show that Aaron Spelling made in the 1970s that had people on a cruise (once again, I think you know what show I am referring too.)
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, the now defunct tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, the now defunct Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.
Episode #223
TV: This episode has not been scene since its original airdate.
DVD: Attached to “Honeymooning Behind The Scenes” (a Jean Kean interview.)
Air Date: Mon. 11/28/77
"Honeymooners XMas Carol":
This episode starts with Ralph Kramden entering the Gotham Bus Company locker room. I guess that the company changed its name back to the Gotham Bus Company since it was called the Madison Avenue Bus Company in "To Whomever It May Concern." The locker room sure looks different than it was during the Lost & Classic 39 episodes. The locker room is decorated with Christmas decorations. A big crash is heard from outside. All the drivers that were in the locker room go out to see what the big crash was. Ralph comes in. Ralph says hello to Pop Parker, the custodian. Rod asks what that big crash that he just heard was. Ralph says that when he was parking, he backed into a sign that said: "Our bus drivers are the most careful bus drivers in the world." Ralph doesn't care. He will be spending seven days in Miami, Florida. He is staying at his brother-in-law's condo. Rod says that he is retiring in three months and he will be moving down to Miami. He leaves. Ralph opens his locker, combs his moustache and utters that controversial line: "Frankly sweetheart, I don't give a (darn)." He didn't say darn, but I think you know what he said. Ed comes down. Ralph: "When you see the mistletoe around here, don't give me a kiss. Anita Brant may be in the area." Ed is giving Trixie a silver-plated cocktail shaker for Christmas. He got that prize for winning the highest score playing pinball. Ed: "When you shake it, it plays `Cocktails For Two.'" Ed shakes it, but all that is heard is a gunshot and a whistle. Ed: "It's the Spike Jones version." Ed gives Ralph a present too. It's one ear plug that he can take while swimming. According to Ed, Ralph won't need the other plug since only one ear will be underwater. Mr. Marshall (played by Gale Gordon who gets a round of applause from the audience) comes in. Ralph introduces Ed to Mr. Marshall. Mr. Marshall is looking for someone with theatrical experience to direct "A Christmas Carol." Mr. Marshall's wife is putting on a play for charity. The charity: To feed all the stray cats in the city. Mr. Marshall: "She has a motto for it. `Make a kitty cat Merry at Christmas.'" Ralph: "Your wife must be a splendid woman." Mr. Marshall: "Oooh, she is indeeeed." Ed: "Out of all the times that I went to Macy's at Christmas time, not once did I see a cat sitting on Santa's knee." Mr. Marshall: "Does he (Ed) work for us?" Ralph: "No." Mr. Marshall: "Good. I once had a secretary like him. Her name was Lucy. A real screwball." That was an inside joke because Gale and Lucille Ball were co-stars on a TV show in which Lucy played Gale's secretary. (I think you might know what show I am referring to.) According to Mr. Marshall, Jim Guild did the play last year, but he is unavailable because he married Mr. Marshall's daughter and they are on vacation in France. Mr. Marshall then asks Ralph to think of a person who could direct the play. He leaves to talk to Pop Parker. Ralph thinks that the guy who directs that play will be a lucky man. Ralph: "Take Jim Guild. He was a bus driver. Than after he directed the play, he became a traffic manager and then voile (meaning voila) he gets married to Mr. Marshall's daughter." Ralph volunteers to direct the play. Ed: "I have theatrical experience. I was in the Navy with Jerry Vale." What about the time (or times) that he appeared with Ralph for the Halsey Theater Amateur Contest (that was won by Alice & Trixie)? Ralph asks Ed to tell Mr. Marshall that Ralph will direct the play because he is too modest. Ralph, too modest? Mr. Marshall comes in and gets the news that Ralph will direct the play. Ralph says that he was in a play once. Ed says that he has theatrical experience, he played UNDER Broadway. Ralph: "Ed played in the UNDERGROUND Theater. If I am not qualified, may this building fall down on me." Ralph looks up to see if the building will fall down on him. Mr. Marshall's favorite play is "A Christmas Carol" because he finds Scrooge such a lovable character. Mr. Marshall says that the play will go on Dec. 24 and wishes Ralph good luck. He leaves. A play on Christmas Eve? Ed hides his present to Trixie in Ralph's locker. Ed finds out that Ralph has the dates December 21-28 are circled on Ralph's calendar. Ralph: "That is when I & Alice are going to Miami…Norton; I can't take her on that vacation." Ralph says that he also can't tell Mr. Marshall that he can't do the play. Ralph is now in a quandary. Mr. Marshall comes back in with the news that his wife is so happy that Ralph will direct the play. Ralph said that he might not be able to do the play. Mr. Marshall: "Did you lie to me? I don't like liars. I don't like them at all." After finding out that Mr. Marshall fired Pop Parker, Ralph decides to take on the responsibility of director, but he will need help. Ralph: "Ed can't help me. He doesn't know anything about theater." Ed: "I can help you." Mr. Marshall: "Good. You will be the director." He leaves. Ralph blames Ed for the spot that he is in. Ed tells Ralph to look on the bright side and tell Alice the good news if he directs the play. One of the pieces of good news is that he (Ralph) could marry the boss' daughter. Ed leaves.
At 3am. Ralph is arguing with Alice in the bedroom. Alice is steamed that she is not going to Miami and has been steamed ever since Ralph came home with the news. Ralph comes out in LOUD pajamas. The pajamas have different colored stripes on them. Alice follows. Ralph is going to sleep in the kitchen because he can't sleep with Alice hollering at him. Alice: "I will stop hollering when you tell your boss that you can't direct that play because you are taking your wife to Florida." Ralph: "I can't do that. It's for charity." Alice: "Some charity: `Make a kitty cat Merry at Christmas.' I will take a cat to Miami with me and when he gets back, he will be the only cat with a sun tan." Ralph gets out the cot as Alice says that Ralph is allergic to cats. Ralph: "I can't tell the boss that I can't direct the play because I promised him." Alice: "Who is number 1 in your life, your boss or me?" Ralph: "At 3am, that is an unfair question." Alice (yells): "ANSWER ME!" A voice is heard saying (yells): "ANSWER HER KRAMDEN SO WE CAN GET OUR SLEEP." Ralph identifies the person as McGarrity even though his voice sounds different. I guess that the guy changed his last name from McGarrity to Garrity to McGarrity again. Ralph (yells): "WHY AREN'T YOU OUT CELEBRATING MCGARRITY? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT IT IS NATIONAL MUSKATELL WEEK?" Ralph & Alice continue arguing. Ralph goes to open the cot. He can't open it. He tries to open it; a sound effect that doesn't look like it would come from a cot is heard and hurts his finger. Almost like the times that he tried to open the cot in "Alice's Aunt Ethel", "Goodbye Aunt Ethel" & "Battle of The Sexes." Alice asks Ralph if he hurt himself. She thought that he did when he heard him screaming. Ralph: "If I can open that cot, I will go to sleep." Alice opens it for him with no problem. Ralph: "Let me sleep." Alice: "Not until you promise to take me to Miami Ralph." Ralph: "After I get that promotion, we will visit France and Greece, we will dance on the tables in Spain, we will wade in the Roman fountains and on our way home in our rented yacht, we will hop scotch to the Caribbean." Alice: "I don't need to visit Greece to see the ruins. I live in one in Brooklyn. I already dance on the tables every time a cockroach comes across this floor. I don't need to wade in the Roman fountains. I can do that every time the plumbing is backed up in the bathroom. Ralph says that after all the places that they will visit; they will visit the number 1 tourist attraction in America which is Billy Kotter's Gas Station. Alice: "I don't have to go there either. I have a full tank right here." She pokes at Ralph's stomach. Ralph tries to go to sleep on the cot but he makes the cot lopsided and falls down. Ralph orders Alice to set the alarm. She does do all right. She sets it so it will ring right about now. Alice: "Okay. Round 2. When are you going to take me to Miami?" Ed comes down. He heard the arguing. He has cameras with him because he figures that the police will come down here and he would send the pictures to the Daily News. Ed vows to settle their argument by going to the window, opening up and yelling for all those in favor of Alice to say "I" and for all those in favor of Ralph to say "I." A lot of people say "I" for Alice while only a “cat” meows after Ed yells: "ALL THOSE IN FAVOR OF RALPH, SAY: `I!'" Ralph tries to kick Ed out, but Ed doesn't leave. After Ed asks Alice to hear her side, he sits down on Ralph's cot which causes it to be lopsided and causes Ralph to fall down. Alice: "I want to go to Miami so I can see my sister in her condo." Ed: "Do you know that they are turning this building into a condo? I saw a sign." Alice: "Ed, they are just repainting a sign that has been there for 10 years and it doesn't say `condo.' It says: `Condemned." Alice doesn't want to fight anymore. She is just disappointed. She thought that after 25 years, a bond of trust and understanding had been made. She would like to have thought that after Ralph's boss asked him to be the director, Ralph would say that he would think about it and ask her first. She would have never stood in his way. But when he came in that door tonight with the news, she knew that for the first time, her marriage lacked the substance to hold it together. Alice looks like she is almost ready to cry. Alice: "The sensitivity, trust and love. It is very sad to discover that after 25 years." Ralph promises that after he directs that play, he would take Alice on the best vacation that she has ever had. He puts it down in writing with Ed writing it. Ralph signs it. Ed says that he will have it notarized since he's a Notary Republic. Ed asks for $2 because that is the fee that he charges. Ralph says no and he and Alice go to the bedroom. Ed grabs a chicken leg and attempts to sit on the cot, but his sitting down on it makes it lopsided and he falls down. Ralph comes out. Ed: "My pound of flesh (referring perhaps to the chicken leg.)"
The next day, Alice is ironing part of her costume for the play. Trixie comes down. Alice said that Ralph bribed her to be in the play and she accepted. Ed Norton is the assistant director. Ralph was not satisfied with Charles Dickens' original version of the play, so he re-wrote it. Oh boy! Alice: "This may be a bigger blow with our relations to England than the Revolutionary War." Ed comes out wearing pants, for whatever reason; look to be very thick in the quad area but not anywhere else. Ralph comes out with a VERY LOUD outfit and with an assgot on which looks like a VERY BIG tie. In the play, Ralph plays Daddy Cratchett, Alice plays Mother Cratchett, Trixie plays the Cratchett's 13-year-old daughter and Ed plays Tiny Tim. Ed starts singing: "Tip Toe Through The Tulips." Ralph: "Not THAT Tiny Tim." Ed also plays the villain, Scrooge. Ed remembers that Tiny Tim walked with a limp. He asks Ralph what kind of limping he wants. According to wkipedia.org, Art Carney suffered a gun shot in I think World War II which caused him to walk with a slight limp for the rest of his life. For the longest time, I never noticed it. Ralph asks for a little bit of that Pappy McKoy limp with a little dash of a Frankenstein limp. Ralph sets the scene. The Cratchett's are very poor and so is their house, almost like the Kramden house. A man comes in with posters advertising the play. Man: "I don't need a tip. Just looking at you and Ed is good enough. Ha ha." He leaves. Alice (reading the poster): "'Ralph Kramden presents A Christmas Carol starring, directed and produced by Ralph Kramden.'" Ralph: "Mooreritee (sp?) (sp?) The Undertaker paid for the posters and during the play, I am going to give him a plug and I am going to do this with all the stores that helped me out. Mooreritee (sp?) the Undertaker has got a new place called the New-Frills Funeral." Alice looks at the script and notices that one of the plugs is Manicotti (as in Mrs. Manicotti). Ralph: "Mrs. Manicotti helped me out and I promised I would do a plug one of the restaurants that her son manages." Alice & Trixie read the plug which constitutes them singing: "Hold the pickles/hold the lettuce/special orders, don't upset us/just as we let it have it your way." An old Burger King jingle. Two men come in with a big tub of corn flakes. Ralph says that they will be spray painted to look like snowflakes. "Just like in the movies" according to Ralph. Ralph: "Then we get a great big net. Don't you say it Alice. We put the corn flakes in the net, hang the net over the stage and when the snow scene comes, we tug on a rope and the snow flakes gently fall down from heaven." Gee, Ralph believes that the "snowflakes" will fall down just like in the movies with his way of releasing them? How stupid is Ralph? Ralph claims that he is a genius. Ralph assigns Alice & Trixie to spray the flakes. Alice says no and they won't be in his stupid play. They quit. Mr. Marshall comes in. Mr. Marshall: "Who are these charming ladies?" Ralph introduces them. Mr. Marshall hopes that they will be in the play because he thinks that such beauty deserves to be on stage. Mr. Marshall says that Ralph's efforts to be rewarded and says that he will give the wives each a present. He leaves. The girls now want to be in. Ralph & Ed will go upstairs to work on the script. They leave. The girls get the spray cans ready. Alice wants to pull a practical joke on Ralph. So she calls Ralph to come on down. Both girls get on opposite sides of the door and when the door opens, they spray…Mr. Marshall who came in with presents for the girls. He is not pleased and neither are the girls.
It's play night. Mr. Marshall tells the audience what they are about to see. The curtain rises. Carolers sing: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen." As they are singing, the town crier (played by Johnny Olsen) says: "Six o' clock and all is well." This message is brought to you by Mooreritee (sp?) the Undertaker. Mooreritee (sp?) says take advantage of my year-end clearance. Go now and save. GO ON DOWN." Johnny says "ON DOWN" the same way as he did when he was an announcer on a certain CBS game show that is still shown even after 35 years at 11am Eastern (I think you know what game show I am referring to). At the Cratchett household, Mother Cratchett (Alice with a brunette wig) comes out to sweep the front steps. It is supposed to be cold out and she is not even wearing a coat. The daughter comes out, also with no coat. The daughter is complaining about them being poor and what will happen if they can't pay the rent (that being Scrooge will evict them). Daddy Cratchett and Tiny Tim come by. Tiny Tim "limps" but you can tell that the limp is not real. Daddy Cratchett said that his solution to their money problems didn't work. Ralph: "Our lousy horse ran 3rd AT COLDER (sp?) RACE TRACK. OPEN EVERY DAY." Ralph says that he and Tiny Tim haven't eaten in two days. Ralph (yells): "SO WE STOPPED AT FATCHUMATA MOTZERONNI'S PIZZERIA." Mother said that they didn't have any money. Daddy said that they went to a gentleman and asked for a bite because they didn't have one in two days, so the man bit them. Daddy: "It smells like snow." Tim: "It smells more like corn flakes to me." A picture from this scene is in "The Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book. They all go inside to start a fire. The daughter opens the window and sees Mr. Scrooge. Tim says that he can't see him so Daddy yells: "DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T SEE HIM?" Ed finally remembers that he is also Scrooge. Daddy (as the camera veers to the left, yells): "HERE COMES MR. SCROOGE NOW. MERRY CHRISTMAS MR. SCROOGE." Scrooge comes out with the same limp as Tim. Scrooge: "Sorry Ralph. Christmas: Bah humbug. I came to evict everyone. Everybody out." He also plugs the "Scrooge Eviction Company." He yells at them to get out. They all do, except for Tim for obvious reasons. Scrooge: "Where's the kid? Come on out Tiny Tim?" Daddy (yells): "WHY DO YOU THINK HE'S NOT COMING OUT? I KNOW YOU ARE EVICTING EVRYONE MR. SCROOGE." Scrooge goes in to get Tiny Tim. We see a person helping Ed changing his costume on stage. Tiny Tim & Scrooge have a "fight." As Scrooge & Tim talk to Ralph though the window, Ed off course gets the costumes mixed up. Scrooge finally gets "Tiny Tim." (Actually, "Tiny Tim" during this moment was a stuffed-up dummy.) This is all very funny. I should note that the "house" is very small. It's about the size of a bathroom. Daddy: "You certainly have spunk Tiny Tim." He throws the dummy back in. The "real" Tiny Tim comes out. During Tim's fight with Scrooge inside, Tim picked his pocket and found money. Mom: "It won't be proper to keep that money. Daddy: "Remember moral righteousness." (to the crowd, yells): "HE IS THE SECOND DOG IN THE THIRD RACE AT THE MIAMI KENNEL CLUB." The town crier comes out. Town Crier: "Seven o' clock and all is well." Wasn't it six o' clock a few minutes ago? Town Crier: "Time for the 7pm weather report. There's a 20% chance of snow. This report brought to you by the Landmark Bank at Fort Lauderdale." Ralph Kramden got help for his local play from people who are far away as Florida? Daddy: "It certainly looks like snow…I said it certainly looks like snow." Ed (yells): "RALPH WANTS THE SNOW." Ralph is upset. In hilarious fashion, the "snow" falls…like a thud. Snow falling down like a thud doesn't look believable. The snow doesn't look like the corn flakes that Ralph shown everyone earlier. The scene ends. Considerating how much of the play that is shown in this episode, how much sense does the ending of this scene make for a good ending of a Christmas play?
After the play while everyone is on the set, Ralph says that the play was a big smash. Everyone is happy. Mr. Marshall comes out with his wife and her cat. Mr. Marshall and his wife thank Ralph. Ralph is rewarded by getting Mr. Marshall's wife's pregnant cat. Mrs. Marshall: "Phyllis, my cat may have as much as eight cats." The Marshalls leave. Ralph is not pleased. Ralph apologizes to Alice for what he did. Mr. Marshall comes back. He forgot to give Ralph the news that Ralph has finally been promoted to Traffic Manager. Ralph: "All my life, I have never done anything right. Why now?" Alice: "It's Christmas time Ralph." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." Everyone kisses their respective spouses.
Jackie comes out and addresses the people for the curtain call. He ends up singing: "The Party Is Over" in tribute to Bing Crosby who died shortly before this episode was made.
During the credit roll, the ABC announcer plugs an ABC show, the special, "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town", ABC News Close-up. "The Class That Went To War" and an NFL football game that features Buffalo vs. Oakland.
Episode #224
TV: This episode has not been shown since its original air date
DVD: Attached to a Honeymooners parody skit from a 1971 episode of The Kopy Kats Kopy TV in which Shelia MacRae plays Alice, George Kirby plays Ralph and Rich Little plays Ed. This DVD includes a Color Honeymooners Promo that is similar to the syndicated opening of the show but the clips differ. I believe MPI made that promo as there is no CBS announcer promoting the show.
Air Date: Mon. 2/13/78
"Honeymooners Valentine's Day Special":
The few seconds of the opening video are the same as the Color Honeymooners except band music is playing and Johnny says: "Coming to you from Gusman Hall in Miami's New World Center: Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners. Starring Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Audrey Meadows & Jean Kean." (yells): "AND AWAY WE GO!"
The Kramden apartment is shown. Alice comes out and starts cooking. Trixie comes. Alice has a job as a switchboard operator so she can buy Ralph his Valentine's Day present. Alice has a paper of the calls that she made down at the office. There were a lot if interesting calls. He tells them. Armand, a handsome guy who runs an escort service, has called Alice several times on the job. Alice wants to hide the list from Ralph, so she and Trixie pull both ends of the table so Alice can put the list in the middle. Alice is going to give Ralph a tailor-made suit, but since he lost so much weight, she has to get his measurements without him knowing it. Ralph proposed to Alice on Valentine's Day. Trixie says that Ed proposed to her on Groundhog's Day. In the episode entitled: "Finders Keepers", Ed said that Trixie proposed to HIM. Every Groundhog's Day, she doesn't get a present. Ralph comes home. His hair is more gray than dark by now. He also combs his mustache Trixie leaves. Ralph is going to stay home, rather than go bowling. Alice wants him to go bowling, so he doesn't know that Alice is going to work. Alice: "What is your waist measurement?" Ralph: "146." Alice: "That is your waist measurement?" Ralph: "No, that is my bowling average. I thought that tonight, we can sit down on the couch and do a little necking." They have a couch? Alice says that they don't. Ralph: "We can put the two chairs together and do it on that." Alice says that she has plans for the night. She is going to help her sister hang the drapes. Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes in looking fatter than Ralph. Ralph says that she is going to give her a stereo, a color TV and a soundless electric kitchen on credit. Ed: "That must have been expensive." Ralph: "Yeah. I had to put $5 down." Ralph says that he will get things in here without her seeing with not a big problem since she is running out every night. The payments are $10 a month for a long time as evidenced by the LONG contract. It is so long that it looks like a petition for more traffic lights. Ralph wants to hide it, so he & Ed open the table. Ralph discovers the list of phone calls Alice has made. D'oh! He & Ed read the fact that Armand has made a lot of phone calls. He puts the list back where he & Ed found it. Ralph is going to make Alice convict herself. Ralph will look into Alice's eyes and see what she is up too. Alice comes out with dark sunglasses on. This funny moment was shown on the Honeymooners 50th Anniversary Special on CBS in 2002. Alice goes to get her keys. Ralph orders Ed to follow her when she leaves. Alice leaves. Ed leaves but he comes back saying how he is going to follow her. Ralph orders him to leave. Ed leaves. Ed comes back and asks for a trench coat. Ralph (yells): GET OUT!" Ed leaves but comes back when he says he lost her on the stairs. They did this same bit in the Honeymooners Lost Episode entitled "Love Letter."
In the next scene, Alice is writing an insurance policy card for Ralph. Trixie comes down. Armand called Alice twenty times. Alice puts the new list in the middle hole of the table. Ralph comes home. Alice is staying home but she has to run up to Trixie's. Ed: "What are we having for dinner and it better not be leftovers." Trixie: "All right. Srevotfle." Ed: "What is that, a Russian dish?" Trixie: "That is leftovers spelled backwards." The girls leave. Ed got the phone book Ralph opens the table and notices the list with Armand's calls. They look up the new names in the phone book Ed, being Ed, takes a long time. They look up the name Duke. Ed said that he had a dog named Duke. I thought that Ed was allergic to dog hair. Well, then again, in the episode entitled: "The Sleepwalker", he had a dog named Lulu. They also find out that some of the names on the list are a druggist, an insurance person, a guy who runs a funeral home and a guy that runs a cemetery. Ralph thinks that Alice is going to kill him. He also notices the new paper with Armand's twenty calls. Ralph says that Valentine's Day is coming up and he proposed to Alice on that day. He got her a diamond engagement ring for $14. On that night, Ralph took Alice to Jersey to some joint where they had two zombies-a-piece. The orchestra was called: Sammy K and the Swinging Orchestra. Sammy had a contest called: "Lead The Band." Sammy got a bunch of guys including him to lead the band. Ralph's song for the contest: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Ralph won. The crowd loved it, especially Alice since she never had two zombies before. Ralph's prize: An autographed baton, then he went to propose to Alice and she accepted. That was their song: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Wow! Ralph goes to show Ed the baton but he can't find it. Ralph thinks that Armand has his baton. Ed tells Ralph that when Alice kills him, it can be anytime. Alice comes home and Ed leaves. Ed: "I hope I see you later." Ralph goes to get Alice her apron. Alice has Ed's measuring tape. Since his supper won't be ready for a few minutes, she asks him to take a nap. Ralph is suspicious. He won't. Ralph: "I am never going to take another nap as long as I live." Ralph sits down. Behind Ralph's back, she tries to measure him. Ralph hears the tape and gets up. Ralph: "I heard a noise Alice." Alice (frightened in a sarcastic way): "Was it a scary noise Ralph?" She goes to measure his waist. Alice: "Please protect me." Ralph: "I heard that noise again Alice." Alice: "My earring fell off. I think it fell under the bureau. Can you get it for me please?" Ralph lies down as Alice measures his waist line. Wow! Ralph lies on his stomach to get it as Alice measures his left pant leg. Alice: "I left my earring in the bedroom." Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes in and seeing Ralph on the floor thinks that Alice killed him. Boy is Ed stupid. Ralph gets up and Ed thinks that now he is a ghost. Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Ralph tells Ed that Alice just measured him for a coffin.
In the next scene, Alice has the tablecloth ready and is preparing dinner. Alice (yells): "RALPH, ARE YOU SLEEPING?" Ralph (yells): "I AM WIDE AWAKE ALICE!" Alice goes upstairs to Trixie's to get some bread. Ralph comes out and we can see that the wallpaper in the apartment hallway is much darker. Ed comes in. Ralph is going nuts. He hasn't slept in three days. Ed says that he can't take a quick nap. Ed says that when he is in the sewer, it isn't glamorous that people say it is and if he fell asleep on the job, he can drown. So when he gets sleepy, he turns on some music and starts to move a little. Ed turns on his portable radio and the music that "comes out" of that radio sounds like the music from the opening of the show. Ed and Ralph dance around. Ralph dances the same way as he did in "Mama Loves Mambo." Ralph then yells at Ed to turn the music off. Ed: "I see that you are not asleep." Ralph (yells): "NO, I AM UNCONSCIOUS." Ralph apologizes to Ed. Ralph: "When I die, I want you to have my bowling ball and my new pool cue stick." Ed: "Maybe you better take a nap." Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!" Alice brings down a loaf of bread. Ralph sees Alice with a knife and gets scared. Ralph: `I know that I haven't been a good husband, but do I deserve this?" Alice: "You deserve it and you are going to get it." Ralph wants to tell Alice what he got for her for Valentine's Day, but Alice says she got something for him. Alice: "It is bigger than a breadbox." Ralph (yells): "IT SURE IS!" Alice: "It will also cover you from your head to your toes." Ha! Alice: "Why don't you sit down so I can give it to you?" Ralph: "I rather get it standing up." When Ralph asks Alice if she ever wanted to get a divorce, she says no. She meant the vow that he and Ralph took at their wedding. Ralph: "What vow?" Alice: "'Till Death Do Us Part.'" Alice has a special meal prepared for Ralph. Ralph: "So that is how I am going to get it." Alice gets Ralph his dinner. Ralph: "What is it?" Alice: "It is a surprise." Ralph: "I know that, but what is in it?" Alice: "Everything." Ralph: "You are not taking any chances are you?" Alice puts the secret ingredient on it. Ralph is even more suspicious. Alice: "You will remember that for the rest of your life." Ralph orders Alice to taste it. Alice: "I am trying to lose weight." Ralph: "If I taste it, you will lose weight. About 210 pounds." Alice puts saccharine (sp) into Ralph's drink. Ralph: "Got anything else that the government banned to put in my food?" Alice tries to leave. Ralph tries to sing: "Yes, We Have No Bananas." Alice: "Eat that Ralph and you won't need any bananas." Alice leaves. Ralph tries to see where Alice is going. Ed comes down. Ed tires to eat Ralph's dinner. Ralph warns Ed that there is poison in it. Ed coughs the same way that he did in the Color Honeymooners. Ralph says that Ed is about to die in three minutes because of those poison mushrooms that he ate. Ed doesn't want Trixie to know since that she hates it when he eats between meals. Ralph says that he knows that Ed was a good man when he was alive and when he dies, he will see to it that he gets buried in his Raccoon uniform with all of his fellow Raccoons by his side humming the Raccoon hymn and when it is all over, Ralph will escort his remains to the Raccoon National Cemetery in Bismarck, North Dakota. He said the same thing in "The Loudspeaker." According to Ralph, three minutes are up and he's not dead. It didn't seem like three minutes to me. Ralph: "Maybe Alice didn't poison that." Ed resumes to eating it. What kills Ralph is that she might kill him before Ralph can get his hands on that dirty bum Armand. Ralph & Ed will call Armand up and make a date with them. Ed will dress up as a woman looking for a date. Ed will be a woman looking for some action, while Ralph will be his mother. He will fit into one of Mrs. Manicotti's dresses. He will kill Armand on the date. Ed: "This will be the first blind date I have been on since my date with Trixie. I hope this one turns out better than that." They leave to make the call.
In the next scene, Ed comes out with a red shirt, a skirt, stockings and a big black-haired afro wig. He looks hilarious. Ralph comes out in a gray-haired wig, a gold dress and it looks like he has a RIDICULOUSLY BIG bra on. He looks funnier. On one of my copies of this episode (I did a tape trade long before this episode was released onto DVD), there is a cut between Ralph coming out and him saying to Ed: "Now, let me fix your hair." As I said before, I did a tape trade with a guy and the person who recorded this, must have hit the Stop button on his VCR and pressed Record (or Record & Play) when Ralph said to Ed: "Now, let me fix your hair." Ed: "I rather do it myself." Ralph hides his mustache with a veil when he answers the door. Armand comes in. Ed identifies himself as Virginia-Charlotte. Ralph: "My name is Mrs. Finnegan." Ed: "I smoke everyday in the sewer." Ralph gets them some hors d' oeuvres. Armand: "Your mother is a fine figure of a woman." I think Armand needs some glasses. Ed: "You remind me of my first love Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter. Peter." Armand: "Why are you wearing that veil?" Ed: "To cover up his…" Ralph hits Ed. Ralph: "I am in mourning. You see my husband Abdullah died.” Ed: "He died because he thought I can drink more than he could." Armand will go on a date as long as he pays for it, even an old one. When Ralph asks him, if he goes on date to a Chinese restaurant with a girl named Alice, he asks him who will pick up the tab. Armand: "Alice." Ed: "Daddy's camel's name was Alice." Ralph goes into the bedroom so Ed and Armand can be alone. Ed says that his daddy died six years before he was born. Wow! Armand is wearing a mustache that looks fake. Armand her and "her" and "her mom" look strange, but he finds "her" (Ed) very attractive. Armand says that "she" has a beautiful face. Ed: "You look like my dad's camel." Surprisingly, Armand isn't offended. Armand asks "her" out for a date to go to the movies tomorrow night and HE will pay. Armand's other girlfriends used to wine him, dine him and then he cast them away like an old shoe. Ralph comes out. Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! THAT DID IT! SO YOU ARE GOING TO CAST MY ALICE ASIDE LIKE AN OLD SHOE, HUH?" Ralph goes to fight Armand. Armand: "Are YOU his MOTHER?" Alice & Trixie arrive. Ralph says that he has finally caught up to Alice's scheme. Alice tells him the real story. Alice is upset. She also gives Ralph back his autographed baton, which is now bronzed. Ralph is apologetic. Armand says that Ralph owes him $20. Ralph declines and kicks him out. Ed is crying since now he can't go to the movies with Armand.
The curtain rises and shows the Kramden apartment, now has a stereo, an all soundless electric kitchen, and a color TV. There are wires all over the place. Ralph plugs everything into a surge protector. He plays romantic music on the stereo. He calls the Nortons and Alice down. Everyone is so happy. Ralph kisses Alice and wishes her a Happy Valentine's Day. Ralph turns on every one of the soundless kitchen appliances. He turns on the furnace, puts some bread for toasting and gets some wine from the fridge. Ralph asks Ed to make a toast that is important for the occasion. Ed does. Ed: "Down the hatch." That moment was shown on the Larry King Live Honeymooners Special as well as the 50th Anniversary Special. Ralph says that it is now time to watch the 6 O' Clock News with Bob Rowe Wallace. First, I thought he said Barbara Walters, but I was wrong. Ralph turns on the TV. An explosion is heard and sparks fly from the TV. The stereo explodes as well as the whole soundless electric kitchen. Smoke is filling up the room. Ralph is not pleased. Ed: "I think that the toast is burnt." Ha! Ha!
During the curtain call, Jackie is standing in front of a red curtain. As music is being played, he thanks everyone. Jackie says that they had a wonderful time tonight and hopes that everyone did too. He introduces the cast. When he introduces Art, Art still raises his right leg like he did in the Color Honeymooners' curtain calls. He praises the Miami audience by saying that they are the BEST in the world and says good night.
During the credit roll, an announcer (I think it was Charlie O' Donnell) says that the Honeymooners has been brought to you by the men & women of The International Ladies Garment Union. Johnny Olsen says: "From Gusman Hall in Miami, Florida for Jackie Gleason Presents The Honeymooners saying goodnight everyone. The background of the credit roll is the Miami skyline at night. In my copy of this episode, an ABC announcer says: "Thursday Night Excitement" and then plugs an episode of that 1970s show that starred John Travolta (I think you know what show I am referring to) as well as some other special, as well as an episode of a TV show that Aaron Spelling made in the 1970s that had people on a cruise (once again, I think you know what show I am referring too.)
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, the now defunct tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, the now defunct Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.