Frank Gannucci
01-01-2021, 08:19 AM
Honeymooners Episode Reviews: "Match Game" & "Double Trouble":
Episode #216 (Syndicated episode #39)
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "Double Trouble", "We're Off To See The Wizard", "Operation: Protest", "Women's Lib" & "Trixie's Honeymooners Memories (with Jean Kean) [aka "A Talk With Trixie."]
Air Date: Sat. 11/29/69
"Match Game":
The title of this episode is a reference to the game show of the same name.
In the Nick Clooney intro that aired before these episodes from July 2003 to March 2005, Nick said it is a pleasure to talk about the guest star (Frances Langford) in this episode no matter what the premise of this episode is. He then talks about Frances.
In Chicago, some dancers (June Taylor Dancers) come out and sing: "Chicago." During the song, they act like they are being blown around by wind. After that, they leave just as the Kramdens & Nortons arrive in Soldier's Field in Chicago. There are going to see the Chicago Bears Vs. New York Giants. He talks about Soldier's Field. Ed said he played football in Soldier's Field once. He was on the New York Sewer Workers team when they played the Chicago Sanitation Workers in the annual Garbage Bowl for charity. The charity? Fresh Air Fund. The game is about to start. They meet Mr. Young (the person who is going to give them the tickets). He has a publicity stunt. There is an electronic trade show in which there will be a computer to see which loving couples are made for each other. The stunt fits well with the song "Love On A Bus." Mr. Young leaves. A man greets Norton. He used to be friends with him. They talk for a few seconds and leave. After that, Norton reveals that was Bronco Branagan, one of the greatest sewer workers to play football for the sewer workers team. He was All-Sewer four years in a row. He got his football career permanently when he got an injury no sewer worker ever recovers from, which is water on the knee. Ha! How could that be? They then go to watch the football game.
The next day at the trade show, Ralph and Ed are shown near one of the computers. Frances Langford comes in (with applause). Ralph introduces themselves and says that they are here to take a test to see if they match up correctly with each of their wives. She says she knows about them and the movie. She says that the wives are inside and her assistant is preparing their data cards for the machine. She tells them about the machine and says that they name it Clyde. Ed says that they are supposed to meet Prof. Vansickle. She introduces herself as Prof. Vansickle. Ed: "Pleased to meet you sir." Prof.: "I'm a woman." She says that the average layman thinks of the professor as a man and not a woman. She says that she invented that machine. Prof. Vansickle reveals her first name which is Bonnie. Ralph & Ed go to fill out their data cards. Prof. Vansickle says that Clyde can do anything. She and some male professors sing: "Ask Clyde" in which she mentions the fact that Jackie Gleason lost weight. Some male professors dance along. Prof. Vansickle asks for the short biography that he & Ed filled out for themselves. Ed: "I got them right here in my attach case." Ed gives them to her. It is revealed that Ed's highest level of education was the eighth grade. Ed: "I wasn't one of those drop outs." Ralph: "Do you always have to rub it in?" In "Manager of The Baseball Team", Trixie says that Ed didn't graduate from public school. The Prof. says that Ralph's card and Abraham Lincoln's are exactly the same. Ha! The girls come in with both their cards filled out. They put them in Clyde. Amazing that Trixie takes one look at the professor and doesn't realize that her and Frances look and sound EXACTLY the same. In "Honeymooners Christmas Party", it is revealed that Trixie and Frances worked together at some point. The professor puts in the Nortons cards in first. The machine says that they are a perfect match and they will be together for a long time. The professor puts in the Kramdens cards and it says the same thing. The professor realizes that she put in the wrong cards for the Kramdens (she put in Ed Norton's card in with Alice). She puts in the correct cards separately when a few minutes ago; she put the Nortons cards in a non-separate fashion. When she puts in the Kramdens cards, the machine breaks down and everybody assumes that that means that Clyde is telling them that they are not a perfect match.
At the hotel room, Ralph is upset that what the machine said. Alice says to Ralph to just ignore what the machine says. She isn't worried about it. Alice: "I have known all along that you weren't a perfect husband." Ralph: "How long have you known this?" Alice: "Try 19 years Ralph. That is how long we have been married." Ralph is upset at Alice now for her not telling him that he wasn't a perfect husband. Ralph: "Who else knows about the fact that I'm not a perfect husband?" Alice says nobody but radio-free Europe, their families, the Hong Kong Gardens etc. Ralph: "How do I rate from 1 to 100%? 65% is a passing grade." Alice: "You are 64 and a half." Ralph: "Tell me one reason why I am not the perfect husband." Alice says that he's thoughtless and never brings her anything for her anniversary, birthday etc. He is also sloppy. In past episodes, I'm sure Ralph has brought her things for her birthday and their anniversary. He also has a terrible temper. Ralph: "All right. That is one thing." Alice tells Ralph a lot of his good points. Alice tells Ralph not to worry. She also tells him of all the things that a woman loves. Alice: "The first thing he does is open the door for her, he will notice the flowers, compliment me, take Trixie's coat and fold it and get her a chair." Ralph bets some more that he doesn't. Ed comes in and does all the things that Alice claimed that he would (the only thing is that he throws Trixie's coat on the floor unbeknownst to the Kramdens). Ralph says that if Trixie sits down in that chair, he will kill Ed. Ed compliments Ralph on his hair-do. Alice says that Ralph is still upset over the computer test. The girls go inside the Norton's bedroom in the other room. Ralph says that Alice doesn't think that he is a perfect husband and that she will compare him to Ed. Ed: "If you are going to be compared to somebody, you better be compared to the best." Ed said that Ralph should treat Alice the same loving way that he treated Trixie. Ed sing: "Secret of A Happy Marriage Today" in which he dances along.
That night, Ralph wakes up Alice. Alice must have gone to bed early. Ralph sings: “I’m In Love, In Love, In Love All Over Again.” The audience gives an ovation during the last seconds of the song. After that, Alice comes out. Ralph is now treating Alice romantically with a candlelight dinner. Ralph says that he has New Jersey-made champagne. Ralph gives her some bubbly for him and Alice. Ralph turns on some mood music. He accidentally plays a record that plays a loud American patriotic song. Alice is laughing. Ralph turns off the music. Ralph: "That is the last time that I send Norton out to get some romantic music." Ralph talks about how nice Alice's ears look. He says that a part (or all) of them look like custard. Ed comes in. Ed: "Did somebody mention custard?" I now notice that the outside background looks VERY fake. Ralph talks to Ed privately and says it is his night to be romantic. Ed talks about the big game which is the New York Jets/Oakland Raiders. Ralph sounds like he is interested in watching. Alice says that he rather watch the game. Ed says that he doesn't care if Joe Namath sets a world record and the game doesn't mean anything to Ralph. Ed turns on Ralph's TV to the football game. The announcers voice (I think it is Johnny Olsen's) is loud. Ed takes the TV into his room while the set is still plugged in. I guess that the Norton's room must have been real close to Ralph's. Alice wants to continue the dinner and puts her arm around Ralph's neck. Ralph says that he lovers Alice and wants to continue the romantic dinner. He gets an earphone with a radio so he can listen to the game. Alice gets romantic with Ralph but Ralph is, unbeknownst to Alice, talking about the football game that he is hearing. Alice: "Who do you love?" Ralph: "Joe Namath. He is going to pass. I mean I love you Alice. Kiss me." Alice does. Ralph (yells): "GO BABY! GO!" Ralph slaps his hand on the table. Ralph: "Stepped out of bounds. You dirty bum." Alice finds out what Ralph has been doing and is upset. Alice: "This is the worst thing you ever done. The computer is right." She kicks Ralph out so he can watch the game. She is really angry at Ralph. Alice then sings: "Ralph Kramden, You Never Change."
The next day in the Norton's apartment, the Nortons are having breakfast. Ralph comes in and learns that Alice went out without her telling him. Alice comes in and ignores Ralph. She goes into the Nortons bedroom. Ed: "Nice to know that she isn't mad at you Ralph." Ralph (yells): "ALICE, LET ME IN THERE." She doesn't. Alice won't even let her explain. The Nortons go in another room. Ralph (yells): "ARE YOU READY FOR IT ALICE! ARE YOU COMING OUT! IF YOU DON'T COME OUT, I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU HATE. ARE YOU GOING TO COME OUT? ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO DO MY PETER LOURY IMPRESSION." Ralph (imitates Peter Loury): "'Do you have the information for me Mr. Miller? You don't have the information for me Mr. Miller? I'm supposed to get the information." Jackie gave his impression of Peter with the same lines in Jackie Gleason's Honeybloopers. Ralph yells at Alice to come out. Ralph says that he will spend all of his time with her just as soon as the Super Bowl is over. Ralph: "I will go anywhere with you. From the Super Bowl to the beginning of the baseball season. I'm giving up hockey. You just want a love machine Alice." Ralph (yells): "IF YOU DON'T COME OUT OF THAT ROOM BY THE COUNT OF FIVE, I WILL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR. BREAKING IT DOWN! 1...2...3...4..." Alice comes out with what was then NY Jet football players’ attire. She looks ridiculous. Alice: "If this is the way you want it, here I am." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." They hug and kiss.
At the curtain call, Jackie says "How sweet it is." Jackie drinks some freeze-dried coffee. Jackie tries to talk, but due to an olive in his mouth, he can't. Everyone laughs. Jackie praises the state of Florida. Jackie talks about the Florida Chamber of Commerce and their oranges. Jackie talks about how the Florida Chamber of Commerce had a dispute with the Californian Chamber of Commerce about who had the best orange juice. Jackie: "They made two screwdrivers (vodka & orange juice). They made California orange juice and labeled it 'A' and made one with Florida orange juice and labeled it 'B'. Then to make the whole test real, they went on the street and got a guy on the street. They asked him to test the orange juice. He drank from 'A' & 'B' and finished both of them. They asked him: 'Which one is better.' He said: 'I can't tell you. Can I have more of that?' So, they made him a couple more of each. They said: 'Which one is better.' He said: 'Take the orange juice out of each of them and you got something.'" Everyone laughs. Jackie praises the Miami Beach audience and says "Goodnight!" I guess they were running long on time, so they had Jackie do this comedy bit. Surprisingly, they didn't have time to introduce the cast.
Episode #217 (Syndicated episode #40)
TV: Hour (edited).
DVD: Attached to "We're Off To See The Wizard", "The Match Game", "Operation: Protest", "Women's Lib" & "A Talk With Trixie." On the Best of the Color Honeymooners DVD, it is attached to "Be It Ever So Humble", "The Sun & Raccoon Capital", & "Two Faces Of Ralph Kramden".
Air Date: Sat. 12/6/69
Once again, the June Taylor Dancers come out and sing: "Welcome To Sun Valley." They are dressed as skiers and most of them have a cast on their foot. I think those broken feet are fake because I am pretty sure if they were, they wouldn't be allowed to dance and in real-life if a person had a broken foot, well they should try to keep weight off of it. After that, they leave. The Kramdens & Nortons arrive at a hotel in snowy Sun Valley, Idaho. They are all very cold because of the conditions. It was Ralph's idea to go to a ski resort for the weekend. Ed Norton is wearing a big long fur coat and a hat. Basically, it's similar to the ensemble that he wore in "Please Leave The Premises." Ed ask Ralph to hold his long fur coat, the coat that he has on underneath it, his scarf, his long-sleeved blue shirt and several hot water bottles. Ed says he had them on so his sandwiches wouldn't get cold, so Ralph challenges him to a fight. The girls get Ralph to calm down. Ralph Kramden gets paged. A Lieutenant McKoy of the L.A. police department comes up to Ralph. He is putting Ralph under arrest. Lieutenant McKoy says that Ralph has been going to fancy hotels and throwing big parties and has been picking up the tab and leaving the hotel without pay. Ralph denies this. McKoy meets Ed Norton and says that Ralph Kramden, the criminal, has been traveling with a companion named Norton. Ed is in the clear but Ralph is in trouble. McKoy also says that Ralph has been writing bad checks in San Francisco, Honolulu, Chicago and Miami Beach. Ed: "What a coincidence. My friend Ralph has been in all those towns." McKoy is going to book him, thrown him in a L.A. jail and keep him in there until his trial comes up. McKoy takes Ralph upstairs so he can talk with him. Alice goes upstairs. Trixie knows that Ralph is not guilty. So does Ed. Trixie says that there must be someone going around looking like Ralph Kramden and doing all those evil things. Ed: "There is one thing that bothers me. Why didn't Ralph invite us to all those parties?" They go upstairs. "Ralph Kramden" (played by Jackie Gleason) & two female friends come in and rings the bell. He claims that he is Ralph Kramden and would like to cash a check for $500. "Ralph's" room is 238. He gives $100 to one of his girl's mother which is the other girl. The girl that "Ralph" gave the money to is Norton. They go inside.
At the jail, Ed Norton arrives to talk to Ralph Kramden. They are in the room where in order for a person to talk to a resident jailbird, the person uses a microphone and they are separated by a glass shield (not sure what that room is called). Ed cleans off his chair and cleans the glass. Ralph comes in typical prison attire for a jailbird. Ed says that the stripes make Ralph look fat. Ed (yells): "HOW ARE YOU DOING RALPH?" Ralph says that he doesn't have to yell, just use the microphone. Ed tests the microphone by singing, so Ralph yells at him to stop. Ralph asks how Alice is doing. Ed says that when he left, that Alice was crying her eyes out not because of Ralph being in jail but her hairdresser cancelled her appointment. Ralph is upset. Ed said that she wants to look nice so when she sees him, which is next Thursday (that's the closest day she could get after she gets her hair done.) Ed: "She tried to get a lawyer, but the lawyer couldn't do anything with her hair." Ralph wants her to get a lawyer so he can get out of here. Ralph says that it is miserable being in jail. Ed tells him to relax since he's only been in jail for 10 minutes. Ed said he asked the people in the poolroom back home to wire money for Ralph's bail. The only trouble is that the telegram came collect. Ralph needs $5,000 bail. Ed has an idea: "Why don't you write a check?" Ralph says he's liable to be in jail for 90 years. Ralph says when he gets out of jail; he isn't going to hate society. He is going back home, get his job back, and when he drives the bus out of the garage, he is going to crash his bus into that poolroom and fix those bums (as Ralph calls them). Ed: "That is the spirit." A Mr. Clark from Pettskill Studios come in and bails Ralph out of jail. Ralph is free until his trial comes up. Ralph goes inside. A Mr. Clark puts Ralph in Ed's custody until the trial comes up. He is supposed to make track of every move that Ralph makes. Mr. Clark leaves. Ed reveals that he is now in charge of looking after Ralph like he's his little brother. The lights dim as Ed (sings): "You're Norton's Little Brother Now." Ed talks to Ralph about the time that they played Pin the Tail on the Donkey and that Ralph always made sure that Ed was the donkey. Ed also remembers the times that he and Ralph played childish games. Ed also remembers the time when he got a catcher's mitt for his eighth birthday. Ralph was there. Ralph said he was going to break it in for him. Ed: "You must have done a good job. I haven't got it back yet." Ha! Ed remembers the time that he and Ralph went out for pizza and to protect him from getting fat, he gave Norton the smallest piece. Ed also remembers the time when they used to do Ring Alevio (somehow MPI's subtitles say: "Unintelligible" when Ed says that.) Ed then continues to sing: "You're Norton's Little Brother Now."
At a restaurant, "Ralph" comes in with his two female friends. They are sitting at the table in the center. "Ralph" orders champagne and caviar. "Ralph" asks two other females from another table to come along and drink with him and his entourage. They gleefully join. "Ralph" and some of the girls (sing): "Living High." The two other girls leave. They have to go to the Y.W.C.A. to play volleyball. "Ralph" says that he will sign a check and leave without paying. "Ralph": "By the time I get to Phoenix, the check will be bouncing all over the place." "Ralph" asks to cash a $500 check in the restaurant. He goes inside with the girls to cash it in. Meanwhile, the Kramdens and Nortons enter the restaurant and sit down at the same center table. The girls love the champagne and caviar at the table that they think is because of Ralph buying it. Ed checks the joint out before Ralph comes in. Ralph is wearing the same exact clothes that "Ralph" is wearing (except for a flower). The same waiter that waited on "Ralph" is waiting on the Kramdens & Nortons. He says to Ralph: "I see you have a couple of new ladies." Ralph doesn't know what he is talking about. Ralph says that they can have whatever they want because Ralph is celebrating tonight. Ralph: "It's a coming out party." Ed: "He was in jail for a bum check rap." Ralph hits him for saying that. The waiter is worried. He goes into the back room where "Ralph" is. Ralph wonders what is wrong with him. Ed said that he and Ralph are to call the studio and tell them where they are. They go into the back room. Trixie is suspicious about things like the champagne. She wonders if Ralph ordered it. Alice said that he did. Alice: "We'll ask him when he comes back." "Ralph" comes out with his female friends. He says he wants to pay the tab and get out. Somehow, Alice & Trixie don't hear this. "Ralph" goes to his table. "Ralph": "What are two young ladies doing at my table?" Alice: "Sit down. Sit down." Alice & Trixie think that it's the real Ralph and Trixie asks if he ordered the champagne. He said that he did. "Ralph": "I always said that champagne attracts pretty faces." Alice: "What has gotten into you?" "Ralph": "It's love." When Trixie asks where Norton is, he says that he is in the ladies room. Oh my! Trixie: "The ladies room?" "Ralph": "Where do you go to powder your nose, the men's room?" "Ralph" kisses Alice and says he has to leave for Phoenix before the banks open. Alice thinks that Ralph has gone crazy. Trixie says that it's because he has been in Ed's custody for a day. Ed comes out and Trixie asks him if he has been in the ladies room powdering his nose. Ed: "Why, is it shiny?" Ralph comes out. Alice asks Ralph how is it possible if he went out one way and came in to the restaurant from the back room. Ralph doesn't know what she is talking about. Alice says that maybe she had too many glasses of champagne. Ed notices the person who arrested Ralph. He invites him over. The lieutenant arrests Ralph again for making checks out to a bank in L.A. that he doesn't have account in. Ralph wonders what is going on. Ralph denies this and they leave with Ralph. Ed denies what the policemen accused Ralph of. Trixie is putting two and two together. She says that Ralph exited through the exit and came back in from the back room. Ed said that he never left Ralph when they went to make that phone call. Trixie said that while they were doing that, Ralph came in smoking a cigar and had a carnation. Trixie: "There are two Ralph's." Ed: "You mean that the weight Ralph lost formed into another person?" Trixie says that there is another Ralph cashing in phony checks and they have to catch him. Ed: "We don't know what he looks like." They all sing: "We Are Going To Find That Dirty Crook." During the song, all of them pretend to be like they are they are trying to find the crook.
The wives arrive at a bar to catch Ralph's double. At the bar is one of the Glea Girls (I think it was Greta Von Hagge). This is the 15th bar that they have been to and they are tired. Ed comes in dressed as a woman. They plan to catch the evil Ralph by having Ed dressed as a woman and have him sign his name on a check. The girls leave. Ed sits down. A drunkard (Frank Fontaine) spots Ed and thinks that he's a woman. Crazy: "Are you one of the June Taylor Dancers?" Ed said no. Crazy: "If you change your mind, I will be at the bar." "Ralph" comes in and sits down at another table. Ed spots him and drops his handkerchief. Ed whistles. "Ralph" hears him and calls "her" a charming young lady. He must need glasses. "She" says she is by herself and was ready for him. "Ralph": "I got a wild one. What is your name, Muscatel?" "Girl": "That is right." "Ralph" offers "her" some champagne. "She" declines the wine because she doesn't accept wine from strangers, but he will ask for a scotch on the rocks and some beer. "Ralph": "I will have a 10 cent glass of Muscatel. This is going to be worth it." (to "her"): "What is that aroma?" "Woman": "It's Clorox. My body stocking is still wet." He asks her what she is doing today. "She" said that she came here to get a drink for her sorrows. "She" isn't in trouble but her grandmother needs an operation. She needs a tattoo of the Grand Canyon removed from her back. Ha! "She": "It will cost $500." "Ralph": "Suppose I give you $50 and we can color in the Grand Canyon?" "She" doesn't like that idea. She needs the $500 and asks him to write a check and "cries" at the thought of him not giving "her" the $500. He accepts it. "Ralph": "I can't stand to see a lady cry." "Muscatel" (in a man's voice): "Neither can I. Write the check." Somehow, "Ralph" isn't suspicious about all this yet. He writes the check just as the wives and the policemen come in. "Ralph" is apprehended and the real Ralph is revealed to be innocent. "Ralph": "Muscatel, would you wait for me." Muscatel: "You know I would." Everyone leaves.
At the same bar later on, the same drunkard (Frank Fontaine) comes in singing and sits down at a table with his beers. The Nortons & Alice come in. Ed ordered champagne to celebrate Ralph's release from jail. Ralph comes in with McKoy as the Nortons & Alice sing: "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow." Ralph asks McKoy about that impostor that looked like him. McKoy says he goes by several different names depending on where he is. Sometimes he is known as Handsome Harry, Gorgeous Jim etc. He leaves. Ralph says that the policemen said he looked like a handsome thief. Ralph: "They arrested me because I had a pretty face." They sing: "Beautiful."
At the curtain call, Jackie introduces the main cast (Ed actually gives him what I think is a headband with a bow) and praises the Miami Beach audience and says "Goodnight!" During the curtain call, Johnny Olsen plugs the next episode by saying: "Don't forget to tune in next week to see 'Reggie and The Red Baron' starring Jackie Gleason, Art Carney & Milton Berle." My guess is that skit aired on a Jackie Gleason Show episode that had no Honeymooners material in it. I wonder why the future YTA TV channel or the future Cowboy Channel or Paul Brownstein (the person who was responsible for the show being put in syndication and the owner of the syndicated copies of these episodes) didn't censor that out because I am sure casual fans would get confused if they didn't get the copy that MPI got. (The MPI copy is unedited but it doesn't have this announcement.)
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, the now defunct tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, the now defunct Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.
Episode #216 (Syndicated episode #39)
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "Double Trouble", "We're Off To See The Wizard", "Operation: Protest", "Women's Lib" & "Trixie's Honeymooners Memories (with Jean Kean) [aka "A Talk With Trixie."]
Air Date: Sat. 11/29/69
"Match Game":
The title of this episode is a reference to the game show of the same name.
In the Nick Clooney intro that aired before these episodes from July 2003 to March 2005, Nick said it is a pleasure to talk about the guest star (Frances Langford) in this episode no matter what the premise of this episode is. He then talks about Frances.
In Chicago, some dancers (June Taylor Dancers) come out and sing: "Chicago." During the song, they act like they are being blown around by wind. After that, they leave just as the Kramdens & Nortons arrive in Soldier's Field in Chicago. There are going to see the Chicago Bears Vs. New York Giants. He talks about Soldier's Field. Ed said he played football in Soldier's Field once. He was on the New York Sewer Workers team when they played the Chicago Sanitation Workers in the annual Garbage Bowl for charity. The charity? Fresh Air Fund. The game is about to start. They meet Mr. Young (the person who is going to give them the tickets). He has a publicity stunt. There is an electronic trade show in which there will be a computer to see which loving couples are made for each other. The stunt fits well with the song "Love On A Bus." Mr. Young leaves. A man greets Norton. He used to be friends with him. They talk for a few seconds and leave. After that, Norton reveals that was Bronco Branagan, one of the greatest sewer workers to play football for the sewer workers team. He was All-Sewer four years in a row. He got his football career permanently when he got an injury no sewer worker ever recovers from, which is water on the knee. Ha! How could that be? They then go to watch the football game.
The next day at the trade show, Ralph and Ed are shown near one of the computers. Frances Langford comes in (with applause). Ralph introduces themselves and says that they are here to take a test to see if they match up correctly with each of their wives. She says she knows about them and the movie. She says that the wives are inside and her assistant is preparing their data cards for the machine. She tells them about the machine and says that they name it Clyde. Ed says that they are supposed to meet Prof. Vansickle. She introduces herself as Prof. Vansickle. Ed: "Pleased to meet you sir." Prof.: "I'm a woman." She says that the average layman thinks of the professor as a man and not a woman. She says that she invented that machine. Prof. Vansickle reveals her first name which is Bonnie. Ralph & Ed go to fill out their data cards. Prof. Vansickle says that Clyde can do anything. She and some male professors sing: "Ask Clyde" in which she mentions the fact that Jackie Gleason lost weight. Some male professors dance along. Prof. Vansickle asks for the short biography that he & Ed filled out for themselves. Ed: "I got them right here in my attach case." Ed gives them to her. It is revealed that Ed's highest level of education was the eighth grade. Ed: "I wasn't one of those drop outs." Ralph: "Do you always have to rub it in?" In "Manager of The Baseball Team", Trixie says that Ed didn't graduate from public school. The Prof. says that Ralph's card and Abraham Lincoln's are exactly the same. Ha! The girls come in with both their cards filled out. They put them in Clyde. Amazing that Trixie takes one look at the professor and doesn't realize that her and Frances look and sound EXACTLY the same. In "Honeymooners Christmas Party", it is revealed that Trixie and Frances worked together at some point. The professor puts in the Nortons cards in first. The machine says that they are a perfect match and they will be together for a long time. The professor puts in the Kramdens cards and it says the same thing. The professor realizes that she put in the wrong cards for the Kramdens (she put in Ed Norton's card in with Alice). She puts in the correct cards separately when a few minutes ago; she put the Nortons cards in a non-separate fashion. When she puts in the Kramdens cards, the machine breaks down and everybody assumes that that means that Clyde is telling them that they are not a perfect match.
At the hotel room, Ralph is upset that what the machine said. Alice says to Ralph to just ignore what the machine says. She isn't worried about it. Alice: "I have known all along that you weren't a perfect husband." Ralph: "How long have you known this?" Alice: "Try 19 years Ralph. That is how long we have been married." Ralph is upset at Alice now for her not telling him that he wasn't a perfect husband. Ralph: "Who else knows about the fact that I'm not a perfect husband?" Alice says nobody but radio-free Europe, their families, the Hong Kong Gardens etc. Ralph: "How do I rate from 1 to 100%? 65% is a passing grade." Alice: "You are 64 and a half." Ralph: "Tell me one reason why I am not the perfect husband." Alice says that he's thoughtless and never brings her anything for her anniversary, birthday etc. He is also sloppy. In past episodes, I'm sure Ralph has brought her things for her birthday and their anniversary. He also has a terrible temper. Ralph: "All right. That is one thing." Alice tells Ralph a lot of his good points. Alice tells Ralph not to worry. She also tells him of all the things that a woman loves. Alice: "The first thing he does is open the door for her, he will notice the flowers, compliment me, take Trixie's coat and fold it and get her a chair." Ralph bets some more that he doesn't. Ed comes in and does all the things that Alice claimed that he would (the only thing is that he throws Trixie's coat on the floor unbeknownst to the Kramdens). Ralph says that if Trixie sits down in that chair, he will kill Ed. Ed compliments Ralph on his hair-do. Alice says that Ralph is still upset over the computer test. The girls go inside the Norton's bedroom in the other room. Ralph says that Alice doesn't think that he is a perfect husband and that she will compare him to Ed. Ed: "If you are going to be compared to somebody, you better be compared to the best." Ed said that Ralph should treat Alice the same loving way that he treated Trixie. Ed sing: "Secret of A Happy Marriage Today" in which he dances along.
That night, Ralph wakes up Alice. Alice must have gone to bed early. Ralph sings: “I’m In Love, In Love, In Love All Over Again.” The audience gives an ovation during the last seconds of the song. After that, Alice comes out. Ralph is now treating Alice romantically with a candlelight dinner. Ralph says that he has New Jersey-made champagne. Ralph gives her some bubbly for him and Alice. Ralph turns on some mood music. He accidentally plays a record that plays a loud American patriotic song. Alice is laughing. Ralph turns off the music. Ralph: "That is the last time that I send Norton out to get some romantic music." Ralph talks about how nice Alice's ears look. He says that a part (or all) of them look like custard. Ed comes in. Ed: "Did somebody mention custard?" I now notice that the outside background looks VERY fake. Ralph talks to Ed privately and says it is his night to be romantic. Ed talks about the big game which is the New York Jets/Oakland Raiders. Ralph sounds like he is interested in watching. Alice says that he rather watch the game. Ed says that he doesn't care if Joe Namath sets a world record and the game doesn't mean anything to Ralph. Ed turns on Ralph's TV to the football game. The announcers voice (I think it is Johnny Olsen's) is loud. Ed takes the TV into his room while the set is still plugged in. I guess that the Norton's room must have been real close to Ralph's. Alice wants to continue the dinner and puts her arm around Ralph's neck. Ralph says that he lovers Alice and wants to continue the romantic dinner. He gets an earphone with a radio so he can listen to the game. Alice gets romantic with Ralph but Ralph is, unbeknownst to Alice, talking about the football game that he is hearing. Alice: "Who do you love?" Ralph: "Joe Namath. He is going to pass. I mean I love you Alice. Kiss me." Alice does. Ralph (yells): "GO BABY! GO!" Ralph slaps his hand on the table. Ralph: "Stepped out of bounds. You dirty bum." Alice finds out what Ralph has been doing and is upset. Alice: "This is the worst thing you ever done. The computer is right." She kicks Ralph out so he can watch the game. She is really angry at Ralph. Alice then sings: "Ralph Kramden, You Never Change."
The next day in the Norton's apartment, the Nortons are having breakfast. Ralph comes in and learns that Alice went out without her telling him. Alice comes in and ignores Ralph. She goes into the Nortons bedroom. Ed: "Nice to know that she isn't mad at you Ralph." Ralph (yells): "ALICE, LET ME IN THERE." She doesn't. Alice won't even let her explain. The Nortons go in another room. Ralph (yells): "ARE YOU READY FOR IT ALICE! ARE YOU COMING OUT! IF YOU DON'T COME OUT, I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING THAT YOU HATE. ARE YOU GOING TO COME OUT? ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO DO MY PETER LOURY IMPRESSION." Ralph (imitates Peter Loury): "'Do you have the information for me Mr. Miller? You don't have the information for me Mr. Miller? I'm supposed to get the information." Jackie gave his impression of Peter with the same lines in Jackie Gleason's Honeybloopers. Ralph yells at Alice to come out. Ralph says that he will spend all of his time with her just as soon as the Super Bowl is over. Ralph: "I will go anywhere with you. From the Super Bowl to the beginning of the baseball season. I'm giving up hockey. You just want a love machine Alice." Ralph (yells): "IF YOU DON'T COME OUT OF THAT ROOM BY THE COUNT OF FIVE, I WILL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR. BREAKING IT DOWN! 1...2...3...4..." Alice comes out with what was then NY Jet football players’ attire. She looks ridiculous. Alice: "If this is the way you want it, here I am." Ralph: "Baby, you're the greatest." They hug and kiss.
At the curtain call, Jackie says "How sweet it is." Jackie drinks some freeze-dried coffee. Jackie tries to talk, but due to an olive in his mouth, he can't. Everyone laughs. Jackie praises the state of Florida. Jackie talks about the Florida Chamber of Commerce and their oranges. Jackie talks about how the Florida Chamber of Commerce had a dispute with the Californian Chamber of Commerce about who had the best orange juice. Jackie: "They made two screwdrivers (vodka & orange juice). They made California orange juice and labeled it 'A' and made one with Florida orange juice and labeled it 'B'. Then to make the whole test real, they went on the street and got a guy on the street. They asked him to test the orange juice. He drank from 'A' & 'B' and finished both of them. They asked him: 'Which one is better.' He said: 'I can't tell you. Can I have more of that?' So, they made him a couple more of each. They said: 'Which one is better.' He said: 'Take the orange juice out of each of them and you got something.'" Everyone laughs. Jackie praises the Miami Beach audience and says "Goodnight!" I guess they were running long on time, so they had Jackie do this comedy bit. Surprisingly, they didn't have time to introduce the cast.
Episode #217 (Syndicated episode #40)
TV: Hour (edited).
DVD: Attached to "We're Off To See The Wizard", "The Match Game", "Operation: Protest", "Women's Lib" & "A Talk With Trixie." On the Best of the Color Honeymooners DVD, it is attached to "Be It Ever So Humble", "The Sun & Raccoon Capital", & "Two Faces Of Ralph Kramden".
Air Date: Sat. 12/6/69
Once again, the June Taylor Dancers come out and sing: "Welcome To Sun Valley." They are dressed as skiers and most of them have a cast on their foot. I think those broken feet are fake because I am pretty sure if they were, they wouldn't be allowed to dance and in real-life if a person had a broken foot, well they should try to keep weight off of it. After that, they leave. The Kramdens & Nortons arrive at a hotel in snowy Sun Valley, Idaho. They are all very cold because of the conditions. It was Ralph's idea to go to a ski resort for the weekend. Ed Norton is wearing a big long fur coat and a hat. Basically, it's similar to the ensemble that he wore in "Please Leave The Premises." Ed ask Ralph to hold his long fur coat, the coat that he has on underneath it, his scarf, his long-sleeved blue shirt and several hot water bottles. Ed says he had them on so his sandwiches wouldn't get cold, so Ralph challenges him to a fight. The girls get Ralph to calm down. Ralph Kramden gets paged. A Lieutenant McKoy of the L.A. police department comes up to Ralph. He is putting Ralph under arrest. Lieutenant McKoy says that Ralph has been going to fancy hotels and throwing big parties and has been picking up the tab and leaving the hotel without pay. Ralph denies this. McKoy meets Ed Norton and says that Ralph Kramden, the criminal, has been traveling with a companion named Norton. Ed is in the clear but Ralph is in trouble. McKoy also says that Ralph has been writing bad checks in San Francisco, Honolulu, Chicago and Miami Beach. Ed: "What a coincidence. My friend Ralph has been in all those towns." McKoy is going to book him, thrown him in a L.A. jail and keep him in there until his trial comes up. McKoy takes Ralph upstairs so he can talk with him. Alice goes upstairs. Trixie knows that Ralph is not guilty. So does Ed. Trixie says that there must be someone going around looking like Ralph Kramden and doing all those evil things. Ed: "There is one thing that bothers me. Why didn't Ralph invite us to all those parties?" They go upstairs. "Ralph Kramden" (played by Jackie Gleason) & two female friends come in and rings the bell. He claims that he is Ralph Kramden and would like to cash a check for $500. "Ralph's" room is 238. He gives $100 to one of his girl's mother which is the other girl. The girl that "Ralph" gave the money to is Norton. They go inside.
At the jail, Ed Norton arrives to talk to Ralph Kramden. They are in the room where in order for a person to talk to a resident jailbird, the person uses a microphone and they are separated by a glass shield (not sure what that room is called). Ed cleans off his chair and cleans the glass. Ralph comes in typical prison attire for a jailbird. Ed says that the stripes make Ralph look fat. Ed (yells): "HOW ARE YOU DOING RALPH?" Ralph says that he doesn't have to yell, just use the microphone. Ed tests the microphone by singing, so Ralph yells at him to stop. Ralph asks how Alice is doing. Ed says that when he left, that Alice was crying her eyes out not because of Ralph being in jail but her hairdresser cancelled her appointment. Ralph is upset. Ed said that she wants to look nice so when she sees him, which is next Thursday (that's the closest day she could get after she gets her hair done.) Ed: "She tried to get a lawyer, but the lawyer couldn't do anything with her hair." Ralph wants her to get a lawyer so he can get out of here. Ralph says that it is miserable being in jail. Ed tells him to relax since he's only been in jail for 10 minutes. Ed said he asked the people in the poolroom back home to wire money for Ralph's bail. The only trouble is that the telegram came collect. Ralph needs $5,000 bail. Ed has an idea: "Why don't you write a check?" Ralph says he's liable to be in jail for 90 years. Ralph says when he gets out of jail; he isn't going to hate society. He is going back home, get his job back, and when he drives the bus out of the garage, he is going to crash his bus into that poolroom and fix those bums (as Ralph calls them). Ed: "That is the spirit." A Mr. Clark from Pettskill Studios come in and bails Ralph out of jail. Ralph is free until his trial comes up. Ralph goes inside. A Mr. Clark puts Ralph in Ed's custody until the trial comes up. He is supposed to make track of every move that Ralph makes. Mr. Clark leaves. Ed reveals that he is now in charge of looking after Ralph like he's his little brother. The lights dim as Ed (sings): "You're Norton's Little Brother Now." Ed talks to Ralph about the time that they played Pin the Tail on the Donkey and that Ralph always made sure that Ed was the donkey. Ed also remembers the times that he and Ralph played childish games. Ed also remembers the time when he got a catcher's mitt for his eighth birthday. Ralph was there. Ralph said he was going to break it in for him. Ed: "You must have done a good job. I haven't got it back yet." Ha! Ed remembers the time that he and Ralph went out for pizza and to protect him from getting fat, he gave Norton the smallest piece. Ed also remembers the time when they used to do Ring Alevio (somehow MPI's subtitles say: "Unintelligible" when Ed says that.) Ed then continues to sing: "You're Norton's Little Brother Now."
At a restaurant, "Ralph" comes in with his two female friends. They are sitting at the table in the center. "Ralph" orders champagne and caviar. "Ralph" asks two other females from another table to come along and drink with him and his entourage. They gleefully join. "Ralph" and some of the girls (sing): "Living High." The two other girls leave. They have to go to the Y.W.C.A. to play volleyball. "Ralph" says that he will sign a check and leave without paying. "Ralph": "By the time I get to Phoenix, the check will be bouncing all over the place." "Ralph" asks to cash a $500 check in the restaurant. He goes inside with the girls to cash it in. Meanwhile, the Kramdens and Nortons enter the restaurant and sit down at the same center table. The girls love the champagne and caviar at the table that they think is because of Ralph buying it. Ed checks the joint out before Ralph comes in. Ralph is wearing the same exact clothes that "Ralph" is wearing (except for a flower). The same waiter that waited on "Ralph" is waiting on the Kramdens & Nortons. He says to Ralph: "I see you have a couple of new ladies." Ralph doesn't know what he is talking about. Ralph says that they can have whatever they want because Ralph is celebrating tonight. Ralph: "It's a coming out party." Ed: "He was in jail for a bum check rap." Ralph hits him for saying that. The waiter is worried. He goes into the back room where "Ralph" is. Ralph wonders what is wrong with him. Ed said that he and Ralph are to call the studio and tell them where they are. They go into the back room. Trixie is suspicious about things like the champagne. She wonders if Ralph ordered it. Alice said that he did. Alice: "We'll ask him when he comes back." "Ralph" comes out with his female friends. He says he wants to pay the tab and get out. Somehow, Alice & Trixie don't hear this. "Ralph" goes to his table. "Ralph": "What are two young ladies doing at my table?" Alice: "Sit down. Sit down." Alice & Trixie think that it's the real Ralph and Trixie asks if he ordered the champagne. He said that he did. "Ralph": "I always said that champagne attracts pretty faces." Alice: "What has gotten into you?" "Ralph": "It's love." When Trixie asks where Norton is, he says that he is in the ladies room. Oh my! Trixie: "The ladies room?" "Ralph": "Where do you go to powder your nose, the men's room?" "Ralph" kisses Alice and says he has to leave for Phoenix before the banks open. Alice thinks that Ralph has gone crazy. Trixie says that it's because he has been in Ed's custody for a day. Ed comes out and Trixie asks him if he has been in the ladies room powdering his nose. Ed: "Why, is it shiny?" Ralph comes out. Alice asks Ralph how is it possible if he went out one way and came in to the restaurant from the back room. Ralph doesn't know what she is talking about. Alice says that maybe she had too many glasses of champagne. Ed notices the person who arrested Ralph. He invites him over. The lieutenant arrests Ralph again for making checks out to a bank in L.A. that he doesn't have account in. Ralph wonders what is going on. Ralph denies this and they leave with Ralph. Ed denies what the policemen accused Ralph of. Trixie is putting two and two together. She says that Ralph exited through the exit and came back in from the back room. Ed said that he never left Ralph when they went to make that phone call. Trixie said that while they were doing that, Ralph came in smoking a cigar and had a carnation. Trixie: "There are two Ralph's." Ed: "You mean that the weight Ralph lost formed into another person?" Trixie says that there is another Ralph cashing in phony checks and they have to catch him. Ed: "We don't know what he looks like." They all sing: "We Are Going To Find That Dirty Crook." During the song, all of them pretend to be like they are they are trying to find the crook.
The wives arrive at a bar to catch Ralph's double. At the bar is one of the Glea Girls (I think it was Greta Von Hagge). This is the 15th bar that they have been to and they are tired. Ed comes in dressed as a woman. They plan to catch the evil Ralph by having Ed dressed as a woman and have him sign his name on a check. The girls leave. Ed sits down. A drunkard (Frank Fontaine) spots Ed and thinks that he's a woman. Crazy: "Are you one of the June Taylor Dancers?" Ed said no. Crazy: "If you change your mind, I will be at the bar." "Ralph" comes in and sits down at another table. Ed spots him and drops his handkerchief. Ed whistles. "Ralph" hears him and calls "her" a charming young lady. He must need glasses. "She" says she is by herself and was ready for him. "Ralph": "I got a wild one. What is your name, Muscatel?" "Girl": "That is right." "Ralph" offers "her" some champagne. "She" declines the wine because she doesn't accept wine from strangers, but he will ask for a scotch on the rocks and some beer. "Ralph": "I will have a 10 cent glass of Muscatel. This is going to be worth it." (to "her"): "What is that aroma?" "Woman": "It's Clorox. My body stocking is still wet." He asks her what she is doing today. "She" said that she came here to get a drink for her sorrows. "She" isn't in trouble but her grandmother needs an operation. She needs a tattoo of the Grand Canyon removed from her back. Ha! "She": "It will cost $500." "Ralph": "Suppose I give you $50 and we can color in the Grand Canyon?" "She" doesn't like that idea. She needs the $500 and asks him to write a check and "cries" at the thought of him not giving "her" the $500. He accepts it. "Ralph": "I can't stand to see a lady cry." "Muscatel" (in a man's voice): "Neither can I. Write the check." Somehow, "Ralph" isn't suspicious about all this yet. He writes the check just as the wives and the policemen come in. "Ralph" is apprehended and the real Ralph is revealed to be innocent. "Ralph": "Muscatel, would you wait for me." Muscatel: "You know I would." Everyone leaves.
At the same bar later on, the same drunkard (Frank Fontaine) comes in singing and sits down at a table with his beers. The Nortons & Alice come in. Ed ordered champagne to celebrate Ralph's release from jail. Ralph comes in with McKoy as the Nortons & Alice sing: "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow." Ralph asks McKoy about that impostor that looked like him. McKoy says he goes by several different names depending on where he is. Sometimes he is known as Handsome Harry, Gorgeous Jim etc. He leaves. Ralph says that the policemen said he looked like a handsome thief. Ralph: "They arrested me because I had a pretty face." They sing: "Beautiful."
At the curtain call, Jackie introduces the main cast (Ed actually gives him what I think is a headband with a bow) and praises the Miami Beach audience and says "Goodnight!" During the curtain call, Johnny Olsen plugs the next episode by saying: "Don't forget to tune in next week to see 'Reggie and The Red Baron' starring Jackie Gleason, Art Carney & Milton Berle." My guess is that skit aired on a Jackie Gleason Show episode that had no Honeymooners material in it. I wonder why the future YTA TV channel or the future Cowboy Channel or Paul Brownstein (the person who was responsible for the show being put in syndication and the owner of the syndicated copies of these episodes) didn't censor that out because I am sure casual fans would get confused if they didn't get the copy that MPI got. (The MPI copy is unedited but it doesn't have this announcement.)
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, the now defunct tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, the now defunct Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.