Frank Gannucci
12-18-2020, 07:22 AM
Honeymooners Episode Reviews: "The Honeymoon Is Over" & "Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":
Episode #212 (Syndicated episode #35)
TV Hour (edited.)
DVD: Attached to "Happiness Is A Rich Uncle", "Hawaii, Oh! Oh!" & "The Sun & Raccoon Capital."
Air Date: Sat. 11/1/69
In 2018, a script of this episode was found on eBay. I tried to win the auction but I was outbid at the last few seconds. Oh well.
"The Honeymoon Is Over":
In the Nick Clooney intro that aired on what is now Youtoo America, Nick mentions the title of this episode: "The Honeymoon Is Over." Nick: "Let’s hope not. We have 30 more episodes to go." Huh? This is technically episode 35 of the revival's 42 episodes, so how can there be 30 more to go? I guess Nick Clooney wasn't keeping track or lost track.
A bunch of people (June Taylor Dancers) come out and sing "Hollywood." After that, they leave just as the whole gang arrives at Peekskill Studios to go on the Mike Douglas Show. Ed says that Mike Douglas is a nice guy. He once went down to his sewer to present the Sewer Worker of The Year Award. He wasn't able to see if he looks like he does on TV because Mike had a mask on. While in the sewer, he presented the USO Award (the USO award and the other award are one in the same). Ed says that USO stands for United Sewer Workers Of. Ralph: "Of what?" Ed: "We don't know. No one will take us (meaning no company will take them, I think). If it stands for United Sewer Workers Of, should the initials be USWO? They go inside.
In the makeup room, the Kramdens & Nortons meet a mean makeup lady named Stella. Ralph explains that they are going to go on the show to plug the song "Love On A Bus." The girls go see a Mr. Richard. They leave. Ralph sits down. He closes his eyes. The lady puts eye shadow on his eyes as Ed laughs at the thought of Ralph getting shadow on his eyes. Ralph finds out what she is doing. Lady: "I'm extenuating the blue in your eyes." Ed laughs. Ralph: "You laugh one more time and I'm going to extenuate the black in your eyes." The lady is going to put on red lipstick on Ralph's lips. Ralph (to the lady): "I'm a bus driver. Not a meter maid." When you are under the hot lights, nobody will notice that you are wearing makeup. Ed sits down. He says that he wants his mouth to have a boyish sneer that tiptoed over the lips of Steve McQueen in The Sand cover. Ed: "My eyes should be two black olives floating in a limpid pool of burgundy wine. My hair should have one lock over one of my eyes. I don't want any body makeup." Stella puts powder on Ed's face. Stella: "How is that?" Ed: "Perfect. Just the way I wanted it." Mr. Clock comes in and talks about their publicity campaign about him being a bus driver, how he wrote the song "Love On A Bus" and how the song is about his love for her. He instructs that when Ralph comes out on the show to kiss Alice. Mr. Clock leaves. Ed instructs Ralph to stand still so he can look at him. Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek. Ralph wonders why he did that. Ed said without that beauty mark, he would look like what Barbara Streisand looked like back then. Ed probably needs some glasses for him to think that. Ralph says that after he punches Ed, he will look exactly like Barbara Streisand. They leave.
The Mike Douglas Show starts and Johnny Olsen announces the show. I heard that the set that was used was not the actual one that was used on the real Mike Douglas Show. Mike comes out and after seeing what he looked like on the Larry King Live Honeymooners Special in 2002, I was shocked to see how young he looked like back then. Mike sings: "Fun With You" in which he talks about Jackie Gleason and his "How Sweet It Is" catchphrase. Also in the song, he says that the things he said about France, he can't repeat on this show. After the song, he says that the Hollywood audience is the greatest audience in the world. The audience boos then laughs. I wonder if that was supposed to happen. Mike introduces the Kramdens & Nortons. Mike says that since Ralph has his bus uniform on and since he wrote that song, it adds a romantic touch. Ed says that the clothes that he's wearing add a romantic touch because he got married in them. Mike asks Alice what her reaction was when Ralph wrote that song about his love for her. Alice says that it was the biggest thrill that she ever had. Ralph says that they are in love and they kiss. Alice: "Are you wearing lipstick?" Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!" Mike asks Ed & Ralph to sing "Love On A Bus." They do. Mike asks Ed if there was something that he wanted to do to let people know his love of his wife. Ed said that Trixie had a heart-shaped tattoo that said: "Ed loves Trixie." Ha! Ralph says that the 17 years that he spent with Alice. Alice corrects him; by saying it was 19 years. Ralph: "It has been so long, I can't remember." Mike asks Ralph if after 19 years, Ralph found out that they weren't technically married, would he marry Alice. Ed: "Where do you go to find that out?" Ralph says that he would because it's the only decent thing to do. Alice is upset. Ralph mentions all the good things that Alice has done for him over the past 19 years. Ralph: "I would marry her again. She isn't getting any younger." Alice is even more upset. Alice: "Are you implying that I am over-the-hill? Am I?" Ed: "Ask them another fun-filled question." Ralph says that Alice is jumping to conclusions. Alice says to Ralph called her an old lady on TV. Ralph says that he didn't (which is true). Ralph then threatens to punch Alice. How surprising that Ralph said that to Alice on TV. Alice then says that he hopes never to hear that song that Ralph made ever again. Ralph: "Which may not be for long." Ed: "Calm down Ralph. Your mascara is starting to run. Ralph says that without that song, Alice wouldn't be in Hollywood. Ralph: "You're too old to hitchhike. You have arthritis in your thumb." Ralph then calls Alice "Whist less Mother." Alice responds by saying that she is 31 years old. Ralph: "Are you implying that I married you when you were 11?" Alice: "It was 17 years ago when you married me Ralph. I was 13." Alice calls Ralph over-the-hill and says that she has never been so humiliated. She leaves. Ralph: "You are ruining my image." Trixie goes after Alice. Ed says to the crowd that they shouldn't miss the movie that has the song: "Love On A Bus" that is inspired by the Kramdens love story.
At the Beverly Hills home, Ed is walking around while Ralph is sleeping in his stripped pajamas that are very loud. He is making a lot of squeaking noises when he walks. Ralph orders Ed to take off his slippers. He does, but his feet still make squeaking noises. Ed says that it's his socks. He used them down the sewer so much that they have a tendency to rust. Mr. Clock comes by and says that when he fought with Alice on TV, he ruined the entire publicity campaign. Ralph says that he will straighten Alice out. Trixie & Alice come out. Alice is dressed to look like what a young lady looked like back then. Ralph: "Alice, your knees are showing." That is almost the same thing he said to Alice in "The Man From Space." Ralph: "Who do you think you are, Meredith MacRae?" That was Shelia's real-life daughter. Meredith died in 2000 due to a brain tumor. Alice says that she shortened all of her skirts. Ralph gets shown Alice her skimpy bathing suit. Alice is going to the dressmaker to shorten this skirt. Alice: "Who would look at me? I'm an old woman." Ralph: "An old man." Ed says that Ralph & Alice always fight. Ralph says that if she leaves, they are through. Alice leaves. Mr. Clock: "Norton, go after her." Ralph: "I'm not Norton. I'm Kramden." I wonder if that was a blooper. Ralph says that he's down in the dumps and his dreams are shattered. There is only one thing left for him to do and that is to go back off his diet. Mr. Clock says that the Nortons should get them back together. They oblige. They leave. Ed says that Ralph has been acting impossible throughout this whole situation and Trixie says the same thing about Alice. Trixie: "Her saying that she's 31. Two years older than I am." Trixie & Ed then come up with a plan. Since Alice & Ralph first met in an Italian restaurant (another story on how Ralph & Alice met for the first time), Trixie will bring Alice to the restaurant and Ed will bring Ralph to the restaurant. They will just happen to meet. Trixie: "They will start reminiscing and they will start to get romantic." Ed says that he will bring Ralph after they finish pool and bowl. Trixie then says that she will ask Ralph to meet her there and Ed will bring Alice. The Nortons sing: "Belong Together."
At the restaurant, Ed is wearing a loud jacket. Ed says that all the opera singers stay here. His proof? A sign that says "Not responsible for capes left over 30 days." The waiter comes. Waiter: "Welcome to Mama D Varnos. Walk this way." Ed imitates the way the waiter walks. They sit down. Alice asks how good the spaghetti and meatballs is. Waiter: "This stomach didn't get full by eating watercress sandwiches." Alice orders her food. Ed, as usual orders a lot of food but when he finds out that they don't have one particular food, he asks them to just give him some spaghetti and meatballs. Ed tries to talk to Alice. Ed: "Do you think that the Cincinnati Bengals will go to the Super Bowl this year?" Ed tries to talk to Alice about Ralph. She doesn't miss Ralph and she is enjoying her new freedom. She soon starts crying about how she misses Ralph. Ed hugs Alice. Alice: "I'm so miserable." Ed: "You have always been." Ralph comes in. Ralph immediately gets the wrong idea. Alice: "There is nothing between me and Ed." Ralph: "Why are you wearing your pajamas?" Ed says that he isn't fooling around with Alice. Ralph agrees because Ed is a stupid moax. Ed: "I'm glad that we are still friends." Alice wants to eat dinner alone. Ralph wants to eat his dinner here. Trixie comes in and Ed explained the whole situation. Trixie says that Ralph & Alice have been stupid, childish and stubborn which means that they belong together. Ed & Trixie leave but only after Ed asks Ralph that if he doesn't finish his spaghetti and meatballs to bring it home to him in a doggie bag. Ralph says that the sauce almost smells the same aroma that they got at Angie's. They remember what Angie's looked like. They start reminiscing. They get romantic as they sing: "That Is What Love Is About" in which Ralph says that he wouldn't trade in his time with Alice for any gold in the world. After the song, they kiss. Ralph says that he is going back on his diet.
On the Mike Douglas Show, Mike explains to the audience the whole situation regarding the Kramdens. He brings out the Kramdens & Nortons. The Kramdens & Nortons sit down. Ralph says that the whole spat they had was silly. Ralph says that they are going around to country to publicize the song & picture "Love On A Bus." Mike says that his wife that she was relieved when she found out that the Kramdens were back together. Mike's wife comes out. Ralph tries to explain how they made up, but he makes mistakes. So, Alice corrects him every time. Ralph (yells): "SO YOU WANT TO TELL THE STORY ALICE?" Alice says she doesn't, but ends up telling the story up until they held hands and got romantic. Ralph is upset and says that Alice always interrupts him. They are arguing Mike says for Ralph to not to get upset over something so insignificant. Mike: "My wife always interrupts me and I don't mind." Mike's wife disagrees. Mike & his wife are now arguing. Mike calls his wife an old dog. Ralph says that he calls Alice an old dog. Ed: "I call Trixie an old bat." The wives agree that there husbands should have more respect for them. They leave. Ed then does his James Cagney impression.
At the curtain call, Jackie praises the Miami Beach audience and says "Goodnight!” During the credit roll, Johnny plugs the next episode of the Color Honeymooners.
Episode #213 (Syndicated episode #36)
TV: Hour-long musical.
DVD: Attached to "The Honeymoon Is Over”, "Hawaii, Oh! Oh” & "The Sun & Raccoon Capital."
Air Date: Sat. 11/8/69
"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":
Thanks to videowhack from sitcomsonline.com for supplying me with this episode.
At first, I thought it was George Burns who played Howard in this episode since I found out that he was on Jackie's variety show during this decade but I was wrong.
Dancers (June Taylor Dancers, of course) come out and sing: "San Francisco." The Kramdens & Nortons are in San Francisco. They want to go someplace. They can't go to Chinatown as well as Fisherman's Wharf because Ralph is on a diet. Alice wants to go get her Uncle Howard a present before they leave town. Ralph lends Alice $20 to buy him a gift. Uncle Howard moved to San Francisco from Jersey City 30 years ago. Ralph says that Uncle Howard is a nice guy and a perfect gentleman. According to Alice, Ralph is saying all this is because he is 83 and rich. Ralph: "I don't care if he was broke." Ed: "How long have you known him?" Ralph: "I never met him." Alice asks Ralph what does his deal friend, Uncle Howard want. Ed: "A pair of water-skis." The girls leave. Ralph says that if Uncle Howard wants to give them money, why fight it? They both sing: "Perhaps, It Can Happen To Me."
At Uncle Howard's mansion, Martha the maid shows the Kramdens & Ed the living room. She leaves soon after. Everyone notices that there is a picture of a young Alice on the mantel. Actually, it does look like a picture of a young Shelia MacRae. Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old." Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress." Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday." Ed loves all the fancy things that Uncle Howard has and says that someday, it will all be Ralph's. Ralph claims that he doesn't care about his money. Ralph: "Now, put down my vase before you break it." Alice warns Ralph to watch his behavior. Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'" Ralph: "Don't worry." The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard." Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts." The butler identifies himself and asks if anybody would care for any refreshments. Uncle Howard (played by David Burns) comes in, hugs Alice Uncle Howard: "You are as pretty as you ever were." Howard says that Ralph is his favorite nephew and that he thinks about him all the time and that he is always in his heart. Ed: "He thinks you have money Ralph." He says hello to Ed Norton. Howard: "This calls for a celebration." He pours a bottle of wine and asks about the family. Alice says that they are all fine and they ask about him all the time. Howard: "They are after my money." Ralph: "Yes and Alice is the only one that isn't after it." Howard says that his doctor only allows one drink a day and asks them which drink they want. Howard says that Ralph & Alice are his favorites because the rest of the family is after his money. Howard (picking up a vase): "They think that one day, all of this will be there's." Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase." Ralph elbows Ed. Ed goes to pick up Trixie at the beauty parlor, so he says god-bye to Howard." Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you." Ed: "Take me. I'm yours." Ed then leaves. Alice gives Howard his present. Howard asks them where they are staying. They say they are staying at the Lloyd Hotel. Howard says that they are moving in with him. Alice: "We don't want to impose." Ralph: "Yes, we do. I mean, if he wants you to be near him, I want to be near him." Howard's gift: A black shawl. The kind of clothing that one wears around their neck and covers their front and back like a baggy shirt. Howard went for his checkup this morning and the doctor gave him frightening news. The doctor said that Howard may only live twenty more years. Howard: "I will go like that, at 103." Alice: "Just think Ralph, Howard will be 103 and you will be 71." That indicates that Ralph Kramden was 51 years old at the time of this episode. In reality, Jackie was only 53 when this episode was made and he died at 71. Howard says that he now has a lady friend who has been a loyal companion to him. Her name is Emily Quackinbush." They go on long walks together, they read the same books and they both love music. The butler introduces Emily. Emily (played by Joey Heatherton) comes in. According to imdb.com, she was 23 when this episode was made. So, that probably means that Howard is seeing a girl who is a whopping 60 years younger than him. Emily gives Ralph a radio that blares music that you can tell is not coming from the radio as Howard and Emily dance.
The next day, Ralph comes in the living room and takes notes on things that might one day belong to him. Ed comes in and reminisces about the time he had last night at his hotel. Their was a convention going on and at 12am, a big cake comes by and who comes out of the cake? Uncle Howard and a beautiful girl. Ralph says that that young girl is trying to replace Alice. Ed: "You mean Alice was supposed to come out of the cake?" Ralph: "No. That girl is after my Uncle's money. She is a gold-digger. Around here, she is Emily Quackinbush." Ralph found out her real name is Emily Gogogolak. Ralph says that they have to break the couple up. Ed says that Ralph is overreacting and they will never see each other again. A couple of butlers come by and replace the Alice picture with a big black and white picture of Emily. Howard comes in with wonderful news. He and Emily are going to get married just when her late husband in a decent amount of time. Gee, I guess that marriage didn't last too long. Howard: "He died in the prime of his life at 83." A part of the prime of a person's life is their 80s? Ed: "I can see that she is in mourning. In this picture, she is wearing a black garter." All of them have a toast to Emily. Howard: "To Emily, I pledge to make you happy if it's the last dime I got." He throws the drink into the fireplace for some reason. Ed, being Ed, follows suit. So does Ralph but he also throws Howard's vase as well. Ralph: "I'm sorry. It slipped." Howard doesn't care. He's so happy that nothing will upset him. They all sing: "There Is Life In The Old Boy Again." After that, Howard leaves. Ralph hatches a plan to break up the couple. In the nightclub that Emily is working at, Ralph & Ed will attend. Ed will disguise as a handsome man who has $2 million and they will see if her love for Howard is genuine or if she is marrying him to get his money. Ed asks if they can expose her until after her honeymoon.
At the nightclub, the announcer (Johnny Olsen), announces the next entertainers in the Sapphire Room. They are the Jackie Jay Dancers with the star, Emily Gogogolak. They all come on stage and dance. Emily has a blue gown on and shakes her breasts. She sings: "We Can Close The Generation Gap", in which some of the lyrics are: "Is doesn't matter that you are older…" During the song, she picks an old man with a horn to his ear and dances with him. That horn is what people used as hearing aids and I don't know what else to call them. I read on the now-dead Honeymooners.net Message Board that when this Honeymooners episode was shown on TV the first time, this song was one of the clues that times were a-changing on TV as well as around the world I guess. Anyway, the old man also has a cane and Emily takes off her dress to reveal her entire bathing suit-like suit. She kicks the cane from the man and even though he is cane-less, somehow he finds a way to dance…before falling down a minute later. At the end of the song, Ralph comes in. Ed comes in dressed like a rich man. He is also wearing a black wig. Ed says he feels ridiculous and he is also wearing Trixie's blouse. The waiter calls them Mr. and Mrs. Kramden despite the fact that Ed doesn't even look remotely like a woman. They sit down. Ralph asks the waiter to get Emily Gogogolak. He wants her to meet his "rich" friend. Waiter: "Gogo, two nuts at table 16." Ed is going to act like an Italian Count. Ralph: "You have seen those movies that have an Italian Count." Ed: "Oh yeah. A 1, 2, 3." Ralph: "I mean a duke. A nobleman." Ralph & Ed decide on the name Marco. Ed works in the sewer with a guy named Marco. Ed: "I'm Count Marcowitz." Ralph: "You are Count Marco." Emily comes by. Ralph introduces "Count Marco" as his handsome friend who has $2 million. Ralph: "Say something in Italian Marco." Ed says something in Russian. Joey: "Me and you Ralph must get better acquainted. After all, I am going to be your aunt." Joey: "Howard is worth $2 million." Ralph: "Then he is worth $4 million." Gee, this doesn't look like a set up at all. Marco is looking for an Italian wife. Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and she won't let you do the things that you want to do." Ed: "You are telling me." Ralph says that after he gets married, he isn't long for this world because he is very sick. Ralph: "He has one of the worst diseases you can get." Ed: "I'm allergic to spaghetti." Ha! Ha! Ha! Ralph: "It's a family disease." Ed: "Yeah, I break out in meatballs all over." Joey leaves to make a phone call. Ralph says that their plan worked and she will call Howard to tell him that the wedding is off now. Ed: "I thought we were going to subtle." Ralph says that when she gets back, Ed is to propose marriage to her. A waiter comes by and Ed orders food. Ed actually orders spaghetti while Ralph says that he will just look at the menu. Camera cuts to Emily having a phone conversation with Howard. She asks him if Ralph has any friends here in San Francisco and gets the news that the only friend Ralph has in San Francisco is Ed Norton and not a person named Count Marco. Howard also tells her that he and Ed are at the nightclub tonight. Emily now knows their plan. Emily is going to teach those two a lesson and asks the waiter to bring Maria over to table 16 in a few minutes. The waiter says yes. Emily comes back and says to forget about Howard because she wants to talk to the Count. Emily asks the Count if he wants to get married. Ralph says yes he does. Emily: "How about tonight?" Ed: "I was thinking about a long engagement." Emily says that she knows a person who can perform the ceremony tonight. Ralph asks if Howard is going to be a little surprised about this. Ed: "I think Trixie will be surprised too." Emily says that it is all settled and the marriage will happen tonight. Ralph: "So you are marrying him for his money." Emily says that it isn't true. The Count will be marrying her friend Maria. Maria comes in. She looks like she weighs a ton. Ed is anything but happy about the thought of "marrying" Maria. Maria hugs and kisses Ed. Ralph asks what is this about. Emily: "See you at the wedding Ralph." She leaves. Ralph leaves Ed alone with Maria kissing and hugging him. All during this time, the other guests in the nightclub don't make a sound.
The day of the wedding, the girls (including Emily) arrive in the living room in Howard's mansion. They are all wearing what they will be wearing at the wedding. Alice: "I love weddings." Emily: "Me too. I love weddings and rock festivals." They all sing and dance to: "Beautiful Love, Love, Love." During the song, Trixie loses whatever she was wearing on her head. Ralph & Ed come in. Ralph reluctantly wishes Emily good luck. Emily calls Ed Count. Trixie: "I hope your marriage is as good as mine & Ed's is." Ed: "Don't get nasty Trix." The girls leave. Ralph blames Ed for the failed idea because of his bad Italian accent. Ed says that he got Maria sitting on him for an hour. Ed said that Maria must have weighed 350. While Maria went to powder her nose, Ed escaped. He walked 42 blocks on his knees. Question: Why did Ed deem it necessary to walk 42 blocks on his knees and if he did, shouldn't he have great difficulty walking? Howard comes in and says that Ralph is the best man at the wedding. "Here Comes The Bride" plays It's time for the wedding. Ralph then breaks the truth about Emily only being after him for his money. Howard knows that. He will have fun when she tries to look for it. Howard leaves as Ralph & Ed are surprised.
At the curtain call, Jackie says that they wished they had a picture of Sammy Speak in the jacket that he is wearing. Jackie: "That looks like egg-drop soup." I think Sam played the waiter in this episode, but I am not sure. Jackie introduces the cast. First Joey Heatherton whom Jackie says is the daughter of a singer Ray Heatherton. Then David Burns, whom Jackie says cracked him up. He doesn't know if the camera caught him laughing. Then the regular cast gets introduced. Art: "Is that girl really your aunt. I want to be in the family." Jackie then jokingly turns into Ralph Kramden and says for him to get out of here. Jackie praised the Miami Beach audience then says good night.
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, the now defunct tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, the now defunct Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.
Episode #212 (Syndicated episode #35)
TV Hour (edited.)
DVD: Attached to "Happiness Is A Rich Uncle", "Hawaii, Oh! Oh!" & "The Sun & Raccoon Capital."
Air Date: Sat. 11/1/69
In 2018, a script of this episode was found on eBay. I tried to win the auction but I was outbid at the last few seconds. Oh well.
"The Honeymoon Is Over":
In the Nick Clooney intro that aired on what is now Youtoo America, Nick mentions the title of this episode: "The Honeymoon Is Over." Nick: "Let’s hope not. We have 30 more episodes to go." Huh? This is technically episode 35 of the revival's 42 episodes, so how can there be 30 more to go? I guess Nick Clooney wasn't keeping track or lost track.
A bunch of people (June Taylor Dancers) come out and sing "Hollywood." After that, they leave just as the whole gang arrives at Peekskill Studios to go on the Mike Douglas Show. Ed says that Mike Douglas is a nice guy. He once went down to his sewer to present the Sewer Worker of The Year Award. He wasn't able to see if he looks like he does on TV because Mike had a mask on. While in the sewer, he presented the USO Award (the USO award and the other award are one in the same). Ed says that USO stands for United Sewer Workers Of. Ralph: "Of what?" Ed: "We don't know. No one will take us (meaning no company will take them, I think). If it stands for United Sewer Workers Of, should the initials be USWO? They go inside.
In the makeup room, the Kramdens & Nortons meet a mean makeup lady named Stella. Ralph explains that they are going to go on the show to plug the song "Love On A Bus." The girls go see a Mr. Richard. They leave. Ralph sits down. He closes his eyes. The lady puts eye shadow on his eyes as Ed laughs at the thought of Ralph getting shadow on his eyes. Ralph finds out what she is doing. Lady: "I'm extenuating the blue in your eyes." Ed laughs. Ralph: "You laugh one more time and I'm going to extenuate the black in your eyes." The lady is going to put on red lipstick on Ralph's lips. Ralph (to the lady): "I'm a bus driver. Not a meter maid." When you are under the hot lights, nobody will notice that you are wearing makeup. Ed sits down. He says that he wants his mouth to have a boyish sneer that tiptoed over the lips of Steve McQueen in The Sand cover. Ed: "My eyes should be two black olives floating in a limpid pool of burgundy wine. My hair should have one lock over one of my eyes. I don't want any body makeup." Stella puts powder on Ed's face. Stella: "How is that?" Ed: "Perfect. Just the way I wanted it." Mr. Clock comes in and talks about their publicity campaign about him being a bus driver, how he wrote the song "Love On A Bus" and how the song is about his love for her. He instructs that when Ralph comes out on the show to kiss Alice. Mr. Clock leaves. Ed instructs Ralph to stand still so he can look at him. Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek. Ralph wonders why he did that. Ed said without that beauty mark, he would look like what Barbara Streisand looked like back then. Ed probably needs some glasses for him to think that. Ralph says that after he punches Ed, he will look exactly like Barbara Streisand. They leave.
The Mike Douglas Show starts and Johnny Olsen announces the show. I heard that the set that was used was not the actual one that was used on the real Mike Douglas Show. Mike comes out and after seeing what he looked like on the Larry King Live Honeymooners Special in 2002, I was shocked to see how young he looked like back then. Mike sings: "Fun With You" in which he talks about Jackie Gleason and his "How Sweet It Is" catchphrase. Also in the song, he says that the things he said about France, he can't repeat on this show. After the song, he says that the Hollywood audience is the greatest audience in the world. The audience boos then laughs. I wonder if that was supposed to happen. Mike introduces the Kramdens & Nortons. Mike says that since Ralph has his bus uniform on and since he wrote that song, it adds a romantic touch. Ed says that the clothes that he's wearing add a romantic touch because he got married in them. Mike asks Alice what her reaction was when Ralph wrote that song about his love for her. Alice says that it was the biggest thrill that she ever had. Ralph says that they are in love and they kiss. Alice: "Are you wearing lipstick?" Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!" Mike asks Ed & Ralph to sing "Love On A Bus." They do. Mike asks Ed if there was something that he wanted to do to let people know his love of his wife. Ed said that Trixie had a heart-shaped tattoo that said: "Ed loves Trixie." Ha! Ralph says that the 17 years that he spent with Alice. Alice corrects him; by saying it was 19 years. Ralph: "It has been so long, I can't remember." Mike asks Ralph if after 19 years, Ralph found out that they weren't technically married, would he marry Alice. Ed: "Where do you go to find that out?" Ralph says that he would because it's the only decent thing to do. Alice is upset. Ralph mentions all the good things that Alice has done for him over the past 19 years. Ralph: "I would marry her again. She isn't getting any younger." Alice is even more upset. Alice: "Are you implying that I am over-the-hill? Am I?" Ed: "Ask them another fun-filled question." Ralph says that Alice is jumping to conclusions. Alice says to Ralph called her an old lady on TV. Ralph says that he didn't (which is true). Ralph then threatens to punch Alice. How surprising that Ralph said that to Alice on TV. Alice then says that he hopes never to hear that song that Ralph made ever again. Ralph: "Which may not be for long." Ed: "Calm down Ralph. Your mascara is starting to run. Ralph says that without that song, Alice wouldn't be in Hollywood. Ralph: "You're too old to hitchhike. You have arthritis in your thumb." Ralph then calls Alice "Whist less Mother." Alice responds by saying that she is 31 years old. Ralph: "Are you implying that I married you when you were 11?" Alice: "It was 17 years ago when you married me Ralph. I was 13." Alice calls Ralph over-the-hill and says that she has never been so humiliated. She leaves. Ralph: "You are ruining my image." Trixie goes after Alice. Ed says to the crowd that they shouldn't miss the movie that has the song: "Love On A Bus" that is inspired by the Kramdens love story.
At the Beverly Hills home, Ed is walking around while Ralph is sleeping in his stripped pajamas that are very loud. He is making a lot of squeaking noises when he walks. Ralph orders Ed to take off his slippers. He does, but his feet still make squeaking noises. Ed says that it's his socks. He used them down the sewer so much that they have a tendency to rust. Mr. Clock comes by and says that when he fought with Alice on TV, he ruined the entire publicity campaign. Ralph says that he will straighten Alice out. Trixie & Alice come out. Alice is dressed to look like what a young lady looked like back then. Ralph: "Alice, your knees are showing." That is almost the same thing he said to Alice in "The Man From Space." Ralph: "Who do you think you are, Meredith MacRae?" That was Shelia's real-life daughter. Meredith died in 2000 due to a brain tumor. Alice says that she shortened all of her skirts. Ralph gets shown Alice her skimpy bathing suit. Alice is going to the dressmaker to shorten this skirt. Alice: "Who would look at me? I'm an old woman." Ralph: "An old man." Ed says that Ralph & Alice always fight. Ralph says that if she leaves, they are through. Alice leaves. Mr. Clock: "Norton, go after her." Ralph: "I'm not Norton. I'm Kramden." I wonder if that was a blooper. Ralph says that he's down in the dumps and his dreams are shattered. There is only one thing left for him to do and that is to go back off his diet. Mr. Clock says that the Nortons should get them back together. They oblige. They leave. Ed says that Ralph has been acting impossible throughout this whole situation and Trixie says the same thing about Alice. Trixie: "Her saying that she's 31. Two years older than I am." Trixie & Ed then come up with a plan. Since Alice & Ralph first met in an Italian restaurant (another story on how Ralph & Alice met for the first time), Trixie will bring Alice to the restaurant and Ed will bring Ralph to the restaurant. They will just happen to meet. Trixie: "They will start reminiscing and they will start to get romantic." Ed says that he will bring Ralph after they finish pool and bowl. Trixie then says that she will ask Ralph to meet her there and Ed will bring Alice. The Nortons sing: "Belong Together."
At the restaurant, Ed is wearing a loud jacket. Ed says that all the opera singers stay here. His proof? A sign that says "Not responsible for capes left over 30 days." The waiter comes. Waiter: "Welcome to Mama D Varnos. Walk this way." Ed imitates the way the waiter walks. They sit down. Alice asks how good the spaghetti and meatballs is. Waiter: "This stomach didn't get full by eating watercress sandwiches." Alice orders her food. Ed, as usual orders a lot of food but when he finds out that they don't have one particular food, he asks them to just give him some spaghetti and meatballs. Ed tries to talk to Alice. Ed: "Do you think that the Cincinnati Bengals will go to the Super Bowl this year?" Ed tries to talk to Alice about Ralph. She doesn't miss Ralph and she is enjoying her new freedom. She soon starts crying about how she misses Ralph. Ed hugs Alice. Alice: "I'm so miserable." Ed: "You have always been." Ralph comes in. Ralph immediately gets the wrong idea. Alice: "There is nothing between me and Ed." Ralph: "Why are you wearing your pajamas?" Ed says that he isn't fooling around with Alice. Ralph agrees because Ed is a stupid moax. Ed: "I'm glad that we are still friends." Alice wants to eat dinner alone. Ralph wants to eat his dinner here. Trixie comes in and Ed explained the whole situation. Trixie says that Ralph & Alice have been stupid, childish and stubborn which means that they belong together. Ed & Trixie leave but only after Ed asks Ralph that if he doesn't finish his spaghetti and meatballs to bring it home to him in a doggie bag. Ralph says that the sauce almost smells the same aroma that they got at Angie's. They remember what Angie's looked like. They start reminiscing. They get romantic as they sing: "That Is What Love Is About" in which Ralph says that he wouldn't trade in his time with Alice for any gold in the world. After the song, they kiss. Ralph says that he is going back on his diet.
On the Mike Douglas Show, Mike explains to the audience the whole situation regarding the Kramdens. He brings out the Kramdens & Nortons. The Kramdens & Nortons sit down. Ralph says that the whole spat they had was silly. Ralph says that they are going around to country to publicize the song & picture "Love On A Bus." Mike says that his wife that she was relieved when she found out that the Kramdens were back together. Mike's wife comes out. Ralph tries to explain how they made up, but he makes mistakes. So, Alice corrects him every time. Ralph (yells): "SO YOU WANT TO TELL THE STORY ALICE?" Alice says she doesn't, but ends up telling the story up until they held hands and got romantic. Ralph is upset and says that Alice always interrupts him. They are arguing Mike says for Ralph to not to get upset over something so insignificant. Mike: "My wife always interrupts me and I don't mind." Mike's wife disagrees. Mike & his wife are now arguing. Mike calls his wife an old dog. Ralph says that he calls Alice an old dog. Ed: "I call Trixie an old bat." The wives agree that there husbands should have more respect for them. They leave. Ed then does his James Cagney impression.
At the curtain call, Jackie praises the Miami Beach audience and says "Goodnight!” During the credit roll, Johnny plugs the next episode of the Color Honeymooners.
Episode #213 (Syndicated episode #36)
TV: Hour-long musical.
DVD: Attached to "The Honeymoon Is Over”, "Hawaii, Oh! Oh” & "The Sun & Raccoon Capital."
Air Date: Sat. 11/8/69
"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":
Thanks to videowhack from sitcomsonline.com for supplying me with this episode.
At first, I thought it was George Burns who played Howard in this episode since I found out that he was on Jackie's variety show during this decade but I was wrong.
Dancers (June Taylor Dancers, of course) come out and sing: "San Francisco." The Kramdens & Nortons are in San Francisco. They want to go someplace. They can't go to Chinatown as well as Fisherman's Wharf because Ralph is on a diet. Alice wants to go get her Uncle Howard a present before they leave town. Ralph lends Alice $20 to buy him a gift. Uncle Howard moved to San Francisco from Jersey City 30 years ago. Ralph says that Uncle Howard is a nice guy and a perfect gentleman. According to Alice, Ralph is saying all this is because he is 83 and rich. Ralph: "I don't care if he was broke." Ed: "How long have you known him?" Ralph: "I never met him." Alice asks Ralph what does his deal friend, Uncle Howard want. Ed: "A pair of water-skis." The girls leave. Ralph says that if Uncle Howard wants to give them money, why fight it? They both sing: "Perhaps, It Can Happen To Me."
At Uncle Howard's mansion, Martha the maid shows the Kramdens & Ed the living room. She leaves soon after. Everyone notices that there is a picture of a young Alice on the mantel. Actually, it does look like a picture of a young Shelia MacRae. Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old." Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress." Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday." Ed loves all the fancy things that Uncle Howard has and says that someday, it will all be Ralph's. Ralph claims that he doesn't care about his money. Ralph: "Now, put down my vase before you break it." Alice warns Ralph to watch his behavior. Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'" Ralph: "Don't worry." The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard." Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts." The butler identifies himself and asks if anybody would care for any refreshments. Uncle Howard (played by David Burns) comes in, hugs Alice Uncle Howard: "You are as pretty as you ever were." Howard says that Ralph is his favorite nephew and that he thinks about him all the time and that he is always in his heart. Ed: "He thinks you have money Ralph." He says hello to Ed Norton. Howard: "This calls for a celebration." He pours a bottle of wine and asks about the family. Alice says that they are all fine and they ask about him all the time. Howard: "They are after my money." Ralph: "Yes and Alice is the only one that isn't after it." Howard says that his doctor only allows one drink a day and asks them which drink they want. Howard says that Ralph & Alice are his favorites because the rest of the family is after his money. Howard (picking up a vase): "They think that one day, all of this will be there's." Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase." Ralph elbows Ed. Ed goes to pick up Trixie at the beauty parlor, so he says god-bye to Howard." Howard: "Someday, I would like to meet your wife. You are a fine man. Even though I only met you seconds ago, I wish I had a son like you." Ed: "Take me. I'm yours." Ed then leaves. Alice gives Howard his present. Howard asks them where they are staying. They say they are staying at the Lloyd Hotel. Howard says that they are moving in with him. Alice: "We don't want to impose." Ralph: "Yes, we do. I mean, if he wants you to be near him, I want to be near him." Howard's gift: A black shawl. The kind of clothing that one wears around their neck and covers their front and back like a baggy shirt. Howard went for his checkup this morning and the doctor gave him frightening news. The doctor said that Howard may only live twenty more years. Howard: "I will go like that, at 103." Alice: "Just think Ralph, Howard will be 103 and you will be 71." That indicates that Ralph Kramden was 51 years old at the time of this episode. In reality, Jackie was only 53 when this episode was made and he died at 71. Howard says that he now has a lady friend who has been a loyal companion to him. Her name is Emily Quackinbush." They go on long walks together, they read the same books and they both love music. The butler introduces Emily. Emily (played by Joey Heatherton) comes in. According to imdb.com, she was 23 when this episode was made. So, that probably means that Howard is seeing a girl who is a whopping 60 years younger than him. Emily gives Ralph a radio that blares music that you can tell is not coming from the radio as Howard and Emily dance.
The next day, Ralph comes in the living room and takes notes on things that might one day belong to him. Ed comes in and reminisces about the time he had last night at his hotel. Their was a convention going on and at 12am, a big cake comes by and who comes out of the cake? Uncle Howard and a beautiful girl. Ralph says that that young girl is trying to replace Alice. Ed: "You mean Alice was supposed to come out of the cake?" Ralph: "No. That girl is after my Uncle's money. She is a gold-digger. Around here, she is Emily Quackinbush." Ralph found out her real name is Emily Gogogolak. Ralph says that they have to break the couple up. Ed says that Ralph is overreacting and they will never see each other again. A couple of butlers come by and replace the Alice picture with a big black and white picture of Emily. Howard comes in with wonderful news. He and Emily are going to get married just when her late husband in a decent amount of time. Gee, I guess that marriage didn't last too long. Howard: "He died in the prime of his life at 83." A part of the prime of a person's life is their 80s? Ed: "I can see that she is in mourning. In this picture, she is wearing a black garter." All of them have a toast to Emily. Howard: "To Emily, I pledge to make you happy if it's the last dime I got." He throws the drink into the fireplace for some reason. Ed, being Ed, follows suit. So does Ralph but he also throws Howard's vase as well. Ralph: "I'm sorry. It slipped." Howard doesn't care. He's so happy that nothing will upset him. They all sing: "There Is Life In The Old Boy Again." After that, Howard leaves. Ralph hatches a plan to break up the couple. In the nightclub that Emily is working at, Ralph & Ed will attend. Ed will disguise as a handsome man who has $2 million and they will see if her love for Howard is genuine or if she is marrying him to get his money. Ed asks if they can expose her until after her honeymoon.
At the nightclub, the announcer (Johnny Olsen), announces the next entertainers in the Sapphire Room. They are the Jackie Jay Dancers with the star, Emily Gogogolak. They all come on stage and dance. Emily has a blue gown on and shakes her breasts. She sings: "We Can Close The Generation Gap", in which some of the lyrics are: "Is doesn't matter that you are older…" During the song, she picks an old man with a horn to his ear and dances with him. That horn is what people used as hearing aids and I don't know what else to call them. I read on the now-dead Honeymooners.net Message Board that when this Honeymooners episode was shown on TV the first time, this song was one of the clues that times were a-changing on TV as well as around the world I guess. Anyway, the old man also has a cane and Emily takes off her dress to reveal her entire bathing suit-like suit. She kicks the cane from the man and even though he is cane-less, somehow he finds a way to dance…before falling down a minute later. At the end of the song, Ralph comes in. Ed comes in dressed like a rich man. He is also wearing a black wig. Ed says he feels ridiculous and he is also wearing Trixie's blouse. The waiter calls them Mr. and Mrs. Kramden despite the fact that Ed doesn't even look remotely like a woman. They sit down. Ralph asks the waiter to get Emily Gogogolak. He wants her to meet his "rich" friend. Waiter: "Gogo, two nuts at table 16." Ed is going to act like an Italian Count. Ralph: "You have seen those movies that have an Italian Count." Ed: "Oh yeah. A 1, 2, 3." Ralph: "I mean a duke. A nobleman." Ralph & Ed decide on the name Marco. Ed works in the sewer with a guy named Marco. Ed: "I'm Count Marcowitz." Ralph: "You are Count Marco." Emily comes by. Ralph introduces "Count Marco" as his handsome friend who has $2 million. Ralph: "Say something in Italian Marco." Ed says something in Russian. Joey: "Me and you Ralph must get better acquainted. After all, I am going to be your aunt." Joey: "Howard is worth $2 million." Ralph: "Then he is worth $4 million." Gee, this doesn't look like a set up at all. Marco is looking for an Italian wife. Joey: "A wife is very independent. An American wife is very dominating, she wants to run everything, she will nag you, she won't let you go out nights and she won't let you do the things that you want to do." Ed: "You are telling me." Ralph says that after he gets married, he isn't long for this world because he is very sick. Ralph: "He has one of the worst diseases you can get." Ed: "I'm allergic to spaghetti." Ha! Ha! Ha! Ralph: "It's a family disease." Ed: "Yeah, I break out in meatballs all over." Joey leaves to make a phone call. Ralph says that their plan worked and she will call Howard to tell him that the wedding is off now. Ed: "I thought we were going to subtle." Ralph says that when she gets back, Ed is to propose marriage to her. A waiter comes by and Ed orders food. Ed actually orders spaghetti while Ralph says that he will just look at the menu. Camera cuts to Emily having a phone conversation with Howard. She asks him if Ralph has any friends here in San Francisco and gets the news that the only friend Ralph has in San Francisco is Ed Norton and not a person named Count Marco. Howard also tells her that he and Ed are at the nightclub tonight. Emily now knows their plan. Emily is going to teach those two a lesson and asks the waiter to bring Maria over to table 16 in a few minutes. The waiter says yes. Emily comes back and says to forget about Howard because she wants to talk to the Count. Emily asks the Count if he wants to get married. Ralph says yes he does. Emily: "How about tonight?" Ed: "I was thinking about a long engagement." Emily says that she knows a person who can perform the ceremony tonight. Ralph asks if Howard is going to be a little surprised about this. Ed: "I think Trixie will be surprised too." Emily says that it is all settled and the marriage will happen tonight. Ralph: "So you are marrying him for his money." Emily says that it isn't true. The Count will be marrying her friend Maria. Maria comes in. She looks like she weighs a ton. Ed is anything but happy about the thought of "marrying" Maria. Maria hugs and kisses Ed. Ralph asks what is this about. Emily: "See you at the wedding Ralph." She leaves. Ralph leaves Ed alone with Maria kissing and hugging him. All during this time, the other guests in the nightclub don't make a sound.
The day of the wedding, the girls (including Emily) arrive in the living room in Howard's mansion. They are all wearing what they will be wearing at the wedding. Alice: "I love weddings." Emily: "Me too. I love weddings and rock festivals." They all sing and dance to: "Beautiful Love, Love, Love." During the song, Trixie loses whatever she was wearing on her head. Ralph & Ed come in. Ralph reluctantly wishes Emily good luck. Emily calls Ed Count. Trixie: "I hope your marriage is as good as mine & Ed's is." Ed: "Don't get nasty Trix." The girls leave. Ralph blames Ed for the failed idea because of his bad Italian accent. Ed says that he got Maria sitting on him for an hour. Ed said that Maria must have weighed 350. While Maria went to powder her nose, Ed escaped. He walked 42 blocks on his knees. Question: Why did Ed deem it necessary to walk 42 blocks on his knees and if he did, shouldn't he have great difficulty walking? Howard comes in and says that Ralph is the best man at the wedding. "Here Comes The Bride" plays It's time for the wedding. Ralph then breaks the truth about Emily only being after him for his money. Howard knows that. He will have fun when she tries to look for it. Howard leaves as Ralph & Ed are surprised.
At the curtain call, Jackie says that they wished they had a picture of Sammy Speak in the jacket that he is wearing. Jackie: "That looks like egg-drop soup." I think Sam played the waiter in this episode, but I am not sure. Jackie introduces the cast. First Joey Heatherton whom Jackie says is the daughter of a singer Ray Heatherton. Then David Burns, whom Jackie says cracked him up. He doesn't know if the camera caught him laughing. Then the regular cast gets introduced. Art: "Is that girl really your aunt. I want to be in the family." Jackie then jokingly turns into Ralph Kramden and says for him to get out of here. Jackie praised the Miami Beach audience then says good night.
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, the now defunct tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, the now defunct Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.