Frank Gannucci
09-25-2020, 07:03 AM
Honeymooners Episode Reviews: "Sees All, Knows All" & "Be It Ever So Humble":
Episode #189 (Syndicated episode #18)
TV: One hour long musical.
DVD: Attached to "Ralph Kramden Presents" & "Flushing Ho."
Air Date: Sat. 4/29/67
Color Episode Title: "Sees All, Knows All"
Lost Episode TItle: "Fortune Teller"
"Sees All, Knows All":
During Nick Clooney's intro, he talks about Shelia MacRae being an unlikely choice as Alice, having two children (one of them named Meredith) going on to become actresses and going through a divorce with her husband, Gordon, at the time this episode was made.
The June Taylor Dancers come out and sing and dance to a song that has to deal with a carnival. After that, they leave. I The Kramdens & Nortons are at a fair in Coney Island, New York. They go through the House of Horrors. Alice doesn't want to because it reminds her of the apartment. Ralph claims that he isn't scared. They all go in. While all of this is going on, an "evil" woman fortune teller (whom the audience claps) and her accomplice scheme up a way to fool people into telling people fake fortunes. They look for a dumb sucker. The girls come out. Trixie wasn't scared. Every year, she attends Norton's family reunion. Ralph was scared. According to Ed, when a skeleton came out, Ralph jumped through a wall. the fortune teller's accomplice comes out and talks about Madam Zelda, the fortune teller. Ralph says that all fortune tellers tell fake fortunes. Alice gets her palm read. Ralph then gets his palm read. Madam Zelda says that Ralph's future is so bad that she won't unveil it to Ralph. Ralph is nervous.
That night, Ralph has kept Alice awake. Ralph is so nervous that he won't be able to sleep. Alice tries to remind Ralph of what he said about fortune teller's giving "fake" fortunes. Ralph: "When they don't tell you anything that means something." Alice says that Zelda said that Alice was going to get a fortune. Ralph: "Ah ha! My insurance money!" Ralph is still nervous. Ralph now says that she isn't a phony and he will die soon. Ralph talks to Alice about if something happened to him, would she get married again. Alice says she might if she got lonely. Ralph is still upset. Ralph says that Alice's future husband will remind her of him and come back to the apartment to live. Ha! Ralph orders Alice that when he dies to bury him in his new overcoat. Alice goes to bed. Alice: "Goodbye! I mean goodnight." Ed comes down. Ed couldn't sleep not because of what happened to Ralph but because that he ate too many hot dogs. Ralph says that Zelda meant that Ralph will die soon. Ralph then says that if he doesn't die, he would have to put up with Ed for another 40 years. Ed then read Ralph's palm. He says that the lines (veins) in his hand are his success line, heart line and his clothesline. He joked about the last one much to Ralph's chagrin. He then says that it his lifeline. He closes Ralph's hand. He also reads knuckles. Ralph & Ed then sing: "Drive You Out of Your Mind."
The next day, Ed comes to Ralph's apartment. Ralph comes out and we finally see the wallpaper that leads to the bedroom. It is red and has a lot of unique designs on it. Ralph says that he is inviting Madam Zelda to come over and tell him what his fortune is. She comes by and Ralph pays her to tell him his fortune. She says that he will not die. Ralph is relieved. She then says that he will commit a murder within a week. Ralph is now upset. Ralph: "I couldn't harm a mosquito." Ed: "You have quite a temper." Ralph (yells): "I HAVE NOT!" Ralph asks her who he will murder and agrees to pay her $10 more. She looks into her crystal ball. Madam Zelda: "In my crystal ball, it's cloudy. Cloudy." Ed: "Ralph, who do you know with the name Cloudy?" Zelda: "The image will not come through." Zelda asks Ralph to be careful. She leaves. Ralph: "I'm a murderer." Ed: "Look at the bright side. If you do commit a murder, the worst thing you will get is life in prison." Apparently Ed forgot that the worst thing that will happen is that God won't forgive you and you will go to Hell when you die. Ed says to Ralph to think of pleasant thoughts like Longfellow saying that it's a pleasure to dip your feet in the Mississippi muck. Ralph kicks Ed out. Alice comes home. She asks for a neck rub. Ralph's hands act all crazy. He actually ends up choking her. He stops. Ralph (stamping his feet): "It's a pleasure to dip your feet in the Mississippi muck." Trixie comes down and asks them to go to the movies and see "Jack The Ripper in 'How To Murder Your Wife.'" Ralph kicks Trixie out. Alice then asks Ralph to cut bread and just like in "Trapped", his hands are to shaky to do it. Ralph then tells Alice to mover in with mother for a week. Alice: "Why are you trying to get rid of me?" Ralph: "I'm not. That is why I am." Alice then asks if she can bring her over here. Ralph: "DON'T do THAT Alice! DON'T do THAT Alice!" Ralph threatens to throw her out. Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes down and offers to go to Norton's apartment for a week. He will send Trixie to her sister's. They sing: "What Is A Friend?"
The studio audience laughs as we see the Norton's apartment's bedroom, they are ready to go to bed. The bedroom looks different then it did in "Pal O' Mine." Ralph then asks why that Ed can take showers in his tub and he can't in his apartment. Didn't he say that he could take showers in his apartment in "Goodbye Aunt Ethel"? Ed says that the reason is because the builders put all the showers in the penthouse apartments. They get ready to go to sleep. Ed brushes his teeth but he talks at the same time which causes toothpaste to fall out of his mouth. Ralph wonders what would happen if he start to sleepwalk. Ralph then asks Ed to put rope around each other's wrists to prevent Ralph from sleepwalking. He should of thought of that in "Pal O' Mine." They put the rope on. They go to sleep but with the rope is causing trouble. I thought it would be even funnier if they did some sort of reenactment of "Unconventional Behavior" when they had handcuffs on. Ralph then says that one should be awake while the other one sleeps. Ralph goes to sleep first. Ed makes a lot of hacking noises. Ed: "I think I swallowed my toothbrush." If he did, he would be dead. Ed accidentally falls asleep and snores. Ed puts on the radio but he puts it on too loud. Ralph gets up and he is mad. Ed then says he will get earphones and put them in his ears and listen to the radio while Ralph goes to sleep. This works until the station signs off and they play "The Star-Spangled Banner." Ed gets Ralph up so they could salute. Ralph is even more upset.
At the Coney Island carnival, Madam Zelda and her accomplice have set up their place. Alice & the Nortons come by with policemen and tell them what Madam Zelda. Alice reveals that Ed said that Madam Zelda said that Ralph was going to commit a murder within a week and because of that, she was a phony. The policemen arrest Madam Zelda and her accomplice. Ed: "A pox on you and your whole tribe." Trixie: "Ralph is locked in our bedroom and is afraid to face us." The crooks and the policeman take off. Ed: "Ralph is just as sane as I am." Trixie: "Saner." Alice will call Ralph. The Nortons & Alice leave the scene. Ralph looks for Madam Zelda. Ralph finds a policeman and asks him to arrest him. He says that he will commit a murder within a week. The cop doesn't believe him. Cop: "You haven't broken the law." Ralph rips part of the policemen's uniform and takes his cap and stomps on it. Now Ralph will go to jail for ten days. Ralph: "I am the beast of Bensonhurst." Ralph & the cop run into the Nortons and Ed. Ralph gets told of the whole story about Madam Zelda. Ralph is all happy but he forgets his 10 day jail term. The cop takes him to jail much to Ralph's friends' chagrin.
At the curtain call, Jackie introduces the cast. The accomplice was played by Chet London. The part of Madam Zelda was played by Audrey Christy. The usual cast introductions follow.
Episode #190 (Syndicated episode #19)
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "Hair To A Fortune" & "People's Choice.” On the Best of Color Honeymooners DVD, it is attached to “Sun & Raccoon Capital”, “Two Faces of Ralph Kramden” & Double Trouble.”
Color Episode Title: "Be It Ever So Humble"
Lost Episode Title: "My Fair Landlord"
Air Date: Sat. 9/9/67
"Be It Ever So Humble":
The June Taylor Dancers come out and sing a song about paying rent I believe. Ralph & Ed come by. They are going to see a apartment rent control section of a New York building. The landlord is going to raise the rent $5. Ralph says that they have been living in that building for 17 years. Ralph: "The handwriting is on the wall. Another 17 years, he will want to raise it another $5." This is similar to the argument that he made in "Please Leave The Premises." While $5 may not seem as much now, $5 was a lot of money back then. Ed agrees. If the tenants don't pay the rent, the landlord won't make any improvements Ralph says that the landlord is loaded and takes a vacation once a year to Miami Beach every August. Ralph says that the landlord isn't after the $5, he is after his pound of flesh. Ed says if that's the case, Ralph can pay off the whole building.
They finally go up to see the man that runs the rent control, Mr. Cagleeotti. The man is played by George Petrie. Ralph says that the landlord wants a $5 rent increase. Mr. Cagleeotti: "When did you receive this letter?" Ralph: "About 30 seconds before I called you." Ralph says that he is objecting because he is a BUM. Ed says that he is a crummy rat and a rotten fink. Gee, what good reasons. It is revealed that the landlord never got their hallway walls painted in over 13 years. Ralph: "That is not the only thing. The water boil is broken, the roof leaks, all the boards on the staircase are loose etc. Only, Mr. Mountgovern stepped on a loose board on the third floor and fell all the way down to the first floor. Could have killed himself." Ed: "Luckily, he was carrying a bottle of Canti and the straw broke his fall." Mr. Cagleeotti says that according to the file, the rent in the building is frozen. He can't raise the rent unless he makes certain improvements or he gets the tenants' permission. Mr. Cagleeotti is going to get a form for Mr. Kramden so he could state his objections. Ralph & Ed sing: "Stand In Fight For What You Know Is Right."
One morning, Alice is trying to make breakfast. There is no heat in the building. It is so cold that there's a stick of ice on top of the milk bottle. Ralph says that the reason for the lack of heat is because the landlord is trying to get back at him. Alice is complaining. Ralph: "I won, didn't I?" Alice: "So did George Washington at Valley Forge." Ralph tries to get his long underwear which is on the bedroom fire escape. He brings it inside and it's frozen stiff. Ralph says that all he needs is an ice pick and he will get dressed. Ralph is having bacon, ham, and sausage on his pancakes. Alice wants Ralph to pay the rent increase so they will get heat. Ralph is reluctant. Alice takes the underwear and puts it near the stove so it will thaw out. Alice can't light the gas in the stove. Ralph says that there is nothing wrong and that Alice doesn't know how to light the stove. He tries, but is unsuccessful. Ralph is fed up with the lack of water, gas and heat. He wants to move out and buy a house. Alice says that they can't afford to buy a house and asks Ralph to use some common sense. Ralph says that he is using common sense. Ralph looks in the paper and sees a two-family home for only $500 down. Alice says that there must be a catch. Ralph: "It can't be too bad. It says: 'Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!'" The Kramdens would be the landlords and Ralph figures he would have the Nortons as tenants. Ralph: "Tenants are the least of my worries. If anything goes wrong, we would have to pick up the phone and get it fixed just like that." Alice asks where would they get the money to get it fixed. Ralph: "Very simple. We will raise the rent $5 a month." Ralph is convinced. They are moving out.
At the new broken-down home in Flushing, Trixie is talking to Alice when Ralph comes in. I think that AmericanLife edited the first few minutes of this scene. Ralph seems to be happy in his new home. He asks Trixie what she thinks of her new home. Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question for you to ask me when I have this hammer in my hand." She leaves. Alice expresses her displeasure about the new home. Ed Norton comes in and he is happy about his new home. Ralph says that she has been driving her nuts. Ralph: "It's been argue, argue, argue" Ed: "You got along so good in the other place." Ralph says that Alice has a short memory. Ralph: "At least here we got gas, heat and water." Ed says that the cellar is flooded. Ralph is upset. Ed: "Either it's flooded or you got yourself a new swimming pool." Ralph says that tomorrow night, he will rent a pump and pump the cellar dry before Alice finds out. Ed says that he was hoping that Ralph would come over to his house and repair the things that needed to be repaired (like the place needs a new coat of paint, the electric wiring doesn't work, the bathroom sink needs fixing as well as a few closet doors etc.) Ralph: "If you need anything to get fixed, fix it yourself." Ed says that since Ralph is the landlord, Ralph must fix it or he won't pay the rent. Ralph: "You sneak. What kind of sneak would think of doing something like that?" Ed: "I learned that from you. That is what you did for the landlord in the other place." Ralph reluctantly agrees to fix it but if it ends up more beautiful then his place, him and Ed are switching homes. Gee, Ralph is not nice. Ralph & Ed go over Ed's lease which lasts up to 99 years. Ed: "Can I get time off for good behavior?" Ralph: "That 99 years is for your benefit. No matter what you do, you are here for 99 years. Even after 99 years, you got an option to renew." Ed is glad because when he turns 142, he won't have to find another place to live. In the lease, Ralph is the lessor (the party of the first part) and Ed is the lessee (the party of the second part). Ed: "I thought this was you. Hippso Fatso." Ralph: "That is Ipso Fatto." One of the things in the lease is that Ed can't do is throw a party without Ralph because if he threw a party with Ralph, Ralph can't complain because he's a party of the first part. Ralph: "The landlord always gets the short end." It doesn't sound like Ralph is getting the worst of it here. After a few other things, Ed finally signs the lease. Ralph calls in Alice. Ed says that the arrangement will go fine. Alice sarcastically agrees. All of them sing: "The Future Looks Rosey."
After dinner at Ed's new home, Ralph comes in with paint. He is actually going to paint in a painter's uniform. He is going to fulfill Ed's request of painting the place. Ed asks him to do it when he is working because he can't stand the smell of paint. It makes him sick. Ralph: "You work in the sewer and you can't stand the smell of paint?" Ed: "I got sick down there too. They were painting the sewer." Why would they do that is any body's guess. Ralph insists on doing it now. Ed wants a choice of colors. Ralph writes them down. Here's their conversation. Ed: "I want the walls to be brown. Not as dark as a hazel-nut brown. Not as brown as morbid milk brown. There's a certain way that the sun at Coney Island has a way of striking the a hot dog's mustard which reflects off the hot dog through the mustard and sauerkraut. That's the kind of brown that I want." Ralph: "What about the moldings and window frames?" Ed: "I sort of visualize them as a misty gray. Did you see that technicolor movie with Ricardo Cortez? I want the gray from his eyes. Not the iris part of his eyes, but the cornea." Ralph: "That kind of gray huh? What about the door?" Ed: "The door I haven't really thought to much about." Ralph: "I think it should be something neutral so it doesn't clash with anything." Ed: "Good thinking. It should be a delicate badge. Not a harsh badge, just a neutral delicate badge." Ralph: "Let me see if I got all this right. You want the walls to be a brown like the sun striking through the mustard and sauerkraut on a hot dog. You want the moldings and window frames to be the gray of Robert Cortez's eyes. Not the iris, but the cornea and you want the door to be a nice delicate badge." Ed: "Yeah." Ralph: "I'm painting the whole joint green." Ed: "Green is good." Ralph: "IT WILL BE GREEN-GREEN!" Gee, what a nice landlord (note the sarcasm.) Ed relaxes while Ralph paints. Ralph notices. Ralph: "I never realized how much fun it is to be a landlord. Doing odds and ends and everything" Ed says that it won't work. He has read Tom Sawyer too. Ed plays the violin He says that it is important to use their fullest capabilities. Ed says that he is cheating himself if he doesn't use his free moments to do some creative and artistic endeavor. Ed says that he needs to practice. He plays it terribly. This aggravates Ralph and he orders Ed to stop. Ed says that he has to know how to play "Farmer and The Dell" on the violin by tomorrow. Ralph isn't going to let him play. Ralph paints the bow on his violin green. Ralph: "Now you can play 'Green Sleeves.'" Ed asks him to hurry up. Ralph hurries all right. He takes the paint cans and throws the paint onto the wall. Ed is upset and wants to leave, but Ralph won't let him because of his lease. (His rent is helping to pay Ralph's mortgage.) Ed: "Trixie, for the next 99 years, we aren't having any parties. I don't want Ralph to set foot in here anymore."
At 3am, Ed wakes up Trixie and they start to make noise by their fireplace (that is connected to the Kramden's fireplace.) They use noise-makers while they sing: "Get Some Cats and Dogs and Let Them Fight." After that Ed throws a lit fire cracker up into Ralph's fire escape...and nothing happens. Ed: "It must have been a dud!" Trixie goes to sleep. Ed makes more noise. Ralph hears the noise and confronts Ed. Ed tries to make noise in Ralph's presence. Ralph then shows Ed how to make noise by taking two lids and clanging them together and yelling. A cop comes around and Ed tells him that Ralph is the landlord and since he was trying to make noise to get evicted so Ralph came around and showed him how to make more noise. The cop understands but if he hears more noise, both Ralph & Ed will go to jail. Ralph leaves. Trixie gets back up. Ralph gets toasted from head to toe by one of Norton's giant firecrackers. With that, Ralph comes back in and kicks the Nortons out and just like that, the episode is over. In real life, the wick on fire crackers don't last that long. They make no mention of Ralph & Alice moving back home and making up with the Nortons.
At the curtain call, Jackie just says "Good night!"
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.
Episode #189 (Syndicated episode #18)
TV: One hour long musical.
DVD: Attached to "Ralph Kramden Presents" & "Flushing Ho."
Air Date: Sat. 4/29/67
Color Episode Title: "Sees All, Knows All"
Lost Episode TItle: "Fortune Teller"
"Sees All, Knows All":
During Nick Clooney's intro, he talks about Shelia MacRae being an unlikely choice as Alice, having two children (one of them named Meredith) going on to become actresses and going through a divorce with her husband, Gordon, at the time this episode was made.
The June Taylor Dancers come out and sing and dance to a song that has to deal with a carnival. After that, they leave. I The Kramdens & Nortons are at a fair in Coney Island, New York. They go through the House of Horrors. Alice doesn't want to because it reminds her of the apartment. Ralph claims that he isn't scared. They all go in. While all of this is going on, an "evil" woman fortune teller (whom the audience claps) and her accomplice scheme up a way to fool people into telling people fake fortunes. They look for a dumb sucker. The girls come out. Trixie wasn't scared. Every year, she attends Norton's family reunion. Ralph was scared. According to Ed, when a skeleton came out, Ralph jumped through a wall. the fortune teller's accomplice comes out and talks about Madam Zelda, the fortune teller. Ralph says that all fortune tellers tell fake fortunes. Alice gets her palm read. Ralph then gets his palm read. Madam Zelda says that Ralph's future is so bad that she won't unveil it to Ralph. Ralph is nervous.
That night, Ralph has kept Alice awake. Ralph is so nervous that he won't be able to sleep. Alice tries to remind Ralph of what he said about fortune teller's giving "fake" fortunes. Ralph: "When they don't tell you anything that means something." Alice says that Zelda said that Alice was going to get a fortune. Ralph: "Ah ha! My insurance money!" Ralph is still nervous. Ralph now says that she isn't a phony and he will die soon. Ralph talks to Alice about if something happened to him, would she get married again. Alice says she might if she got lonely. Ralph is still upset. Ralph says that Alice's future husband will remind her of him and come back to the apartment to live. Ha! Ralph orders Alice that when he dies to bury him in his new overcoat. Alice goes to bed. Alice: "Goodbye! I mean goodnight." Ed comes down. Ed couldn't sleep not because of what happened to Ralph but because that he ate too many hot dogs. Ralph says that Zelda meant that Ralph will die soon. Ralph then says that if he doesn't die, he would have to put up with Ed for another 40 years. Ed then read Ralph's palm. He says that the lines (veins) in his hand are his success line, heart line and his clothesline. He joked about the last one much to Ralph's chagrin. He then says that it his lifeline. He closes Ralph's hand. He also reads knuckles. Ralph & Ed then sing: "Drive You Out of Your Mind."
The next day, Ed comes to Ralph's apartment. Ralph comes out and we finally see the wallpaper that leads to the bedroom. It is red and has a lot of unique designs on it. Ralph says that he is inviting Madam Zelda to come over and tell him what his fortune is. She comes by and Ralph pays her to tell him his fortune. She says that he will not die. Ralph is relieved. She then says that he will commit a murder within a week. Ralph is now upset. Ralph: "I couldn't harm a mosquito." Ed: "You have quite a temper." Ralph (yells): "I HAVE NOT!" Ralph asks her who he will murder and agrees to pay her $10 more. She looks into her crystal ball. Madam Zelda: "In my crystal ball, it's cloudy. Cloudy." Ed: "Ralph, who do you know with the name Cloudy?" Zelda: "The image will not come through." Zelda asks Ralph to be careful. She leaves. Ralph: "I'm a murderer." Ed: "Look at the bright side. If you do commit a murder, the worst thing you will get is life in prison." Apparently Ed forgot that the worst thing that will happen is that God won't forgive you and you will go to Hell when you die. Ed says to Ralph to think of pleasant thoughts like Longfellow saying that it's a pleasure to dip your feet in the Mississippi muck. Ralph kicks Ed out. Alice comes home. She asks for a neck rub. Ralph's hands act all crazy. He actually ends up choking her. He stops. Ralph (stamping his feet): "It's a pleasure to dip your feet in the Mississippi muck." Trixie comes down and asks them to go to the movies and see "Jack The Ripper in 'How To Murder Your Wife.'" Ralph kicks Trixie out. Alice then asks Ralph to cut bread and just like in "Trapped", his hands are to shaky to do it. Ralph then tells Alice to mover in with mother for a week. Alice: "Why are you trying to get rid of me?" Ralph: "I'm not. That is why I am." Alice then asks if she can bring her over here. Ralph: "DON'T do THAT Alice! DON'T do THAT Alice!" Ralph threatens to throw her out. Alice goes into the bedroom. Ed comes down and offers to go to Norton's apartment for a week. He will send Trixie to her sister's. They sing: "What Is A Friend?"
The studio audience laughs as we see the Norton's apartment's bedroom, they are ready to go to bed. The bedroom looks different then it did in "Pal O' Mine." Ralph then asks why that Ed can take showers in his tub and he can't in his apartment. Didn't he say that he could take showers in his apartment in "Goodbye Aunt Ethel"? Ed says that the reason is because the builders put all the showers in the penthouse apartments. They get ready to go to sleep. Ed brushes his teeth but he talks at the same time which causes toothpaste to fall out of his mouth. Ralph wonders what would happen if he start to sleepwalk. Ralph then asks Ed to put rope around each other's wrists to prevent Ralph from sleepwalking. He should of thought of that in "Pal O' Mine." They put the rope on. They go to sleep but with the rope is causing trouble. I thought it would be even funnier if they did some sort of reenactment of "Unconventional Behavior" when they had handcuffs on. Ralph then says that one should be awake while the other one sleeps. Ralph goes to sleep first. Ed makes a lot of hacking noises. Ed: "I think I swallowed my toothbrush." If he did, he would be dead. Ed accidentally falls asleep and snores. Ed puts on the radio but he puts it on too loud. Ralph gets up and he is mad. Ed then says he will get earphones and put them in his ears and listen to the radio while Ralph goes to sleep. This works until the station signs off and they play "The Star-Spangled Banner." Ed gets Ralph up so they could salute. Ralph is even more upset.
At the Coney Island carnival, Madam Zelda and her accomplice have set up their place. Alice & the Nortons come by with policemen and tell them what Madam Zelda. Alice reveals that Ed said that Madam Zelda said that Ralph was going to commit a murder within a week and because of that, she was a phony. The policemen arrest Madam Zelda and her accomplice. Ed: "A pox on you and your whole tribe." Trixie: "Ralph is locked in our bedroom and is afraid to face us." The crooks and the policeman take off. Ed: "Ralph is just as sane as I am." Trixie: "Saner." Alice will call Ralph. The Nortons & Alice leave the scene. Ralph looks for Madam Zelda. Ralph finds a policeman and asks him to arrest him. He says that he will commit a murder within a week. The cop doesn't believe him. Cop: "You haven't broken the law." Ralph rips part of the policemen's uniform and takes his cap and stomps on it. Now Ralph will go to jail for ten days. Ralph: "I am the beast of Bensonhurst." Ralph & the cop run into the Nortons and Ed. Ralph gets told of the whole story about Madam Zelda. Ralph is all happy but he forgets his 10 day jail term. The cop takes him to jail much to Ralph's friends' chagrin.
At the curtain call, Jackie introduces the cast. The accomplice was played by Chet London. The part of Madam Zelda was played by Audrey Christy. The usual cast introductions follow.
Episode #190 (Syndicated episode #19)
TV: Hour (edited)
DVD: Attached to "Hair To A Fortune" & "People's Choice.” On the Best of Color Honeymooners DVD, it is attached to “Sun & Raccoon Capital”, “Two Faces of Ralph Kramden” & Double Trouble.”
Color Episode Title: "Be It Ever So Humble"
Lost Episode Title: "My Fair Landlord"
Air Date: Sat. 9/9/67
"Be It Ever So Humble":
The June Taylor Dancers come out and sing a song about paying rent I believe. Ralph & Ed come by. They are going to see a apartment rent control section of a New York building. The landlord is going to raise the rent $5. Ralph says that they have been living in that building for 17 years. Ralph: "The handwriting is on the wall. Another 17 years, he will want to raise it another $5." This is similar to the argument that he made in "Please Leave The Premises." While $5 may not seem as much now, $5 was a lot of money back then. Ed agrees. If the tenants don't pay the rent, the landlord won't make any improvements Ralph says that the landlord is loaded and takes a vacation once a year to Miami Beach every August. Ralph says that the landlord isn't after the $5, he is after his pound of flesh. Ed says if that's the case, Ralph can pay off the whole building.
They finally go up to see the man that runs the rent control, Mr. Cagleeotti. The man is played by George Petrie. Ralph says that the landlord wants a $5 rent increase. Mr. Cagleeotti: "When did you receive this letter?" Ralph: "About 30 seconds before I called you." Ralph says that he is objecting because he is a BUM. Ed says that he is a crummy rat and a rotten fink. Gee, what good reasons. It is revealed that the landlord never got their hallway walls painted in over 13 years. Ralph: "That is not the only thing. The water boil is broken, the roof leaks, all the boards on the staircase are loose etc. Only, Mr. Mountgovern stepped on a loose board on the third floor and fell all the way down to the first floor. Could have killed himself." Ed: "Luckily, he was carrying a bottle of Canti and the straw broke his fall." Mr. Cagleeotti says that according to the file, the rent in the building is frozen. He can't raise the rent unless he makes certain improvements or he gets the tenants' permission. Mr. Cagleeotti is going to get a form for Mr. Kramden so he could state his objections. Ralph & Ed sing: "Stand In Fight For What You Know Is Right."
One morning, Alice is trying to make breakfast. There is no heat in the building. It is so cold that there's a stick of ice on top of the milk bottle. Ralph says that the reason for the lack of heat is because the landlord is trying to get back at him. Alice is complaining. Ralph: "I won, didn't I?" Alice: "So did George Washington at Valley Forge." Ralph tries to get his long underwear which is on the bedroom fire escape. He brings it inside and it's frozen stiff. Ralph says that all he needs is an ice pick and he will get dressed. Ralph is having bacon, ham, and sausage on his pancakes. Alice wants Ralph to pay the rent increase so they will get heat. Ralph is reluctant. Alice takes the underwear and puts it near the stove so it will thaw out. Alice can't light the gas in the stove. Ralph says that there is nothing wrong and that Alice doesn't know how to light the stove. He tries, but is unsuccessful. Ralph is fed up with the lack of water, gas and heat. He wants to move out and buy a house. Alice says that they can't afford to buy a house and asks Ralph to use some common sense. Ralph says that he is using common sense. Ralph looks in the paper and sees a two-family home for only $500 down. Alice says that there must be a catch. Ralph: "It can't be too bad. It says: 'Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!'" The Kramdens would be the landlords and Ralph figures he would have the Nortons as tenants. Ralph: "Tenants are the least of my worries. If anything goes wrong, we would have to pick up the phone and get it fixed just like that." Alice asks where would they get the money to get it fixed. Ralph: "Very simple. We will raise the rent $5 a month." Ralph is convinced. They are moving out.
At the new broken-down home in Flushing, Trixie is talking to Alice when Ralph comes in. I think that AmericanLife edited the first few minutes of this scene. Ralph seems to be happy in his new home. He asks Trixie what she thinks of her new home. Trixie: "That is a very dangerous question for you to ask me when I have this hammer in my hand." She leaves. Alice expresses her displeasure about the new home. Ed Norton comes in and he is happy about his new home. Ralph says that she has been driving her nuts. Ralph: "It's been argue, argue, argue" Ed: "You got along so good in the other place." Ralph says that Alice has a short memory. Ralph: "At least here we got gas, heat and water." Ed says that the cellar is flooded. Ralph is upset. Ed: "Either it's flooded or you got yourself a new swimming pool." Ralph says that tomorrow night, he will rent a pump and pump the cellar dry before Alice finds out. Ed says that he was hoping that Ralph would come over to his house and repair the things that needed to be repaired (like the place needs a new coat of paint, the electric wiring doesn't work, the bathroom sink needs fixing as well as a few closet doors etc.) Ralph: "If you need anything to get fixed, fix it yourself." Ed says that since Ralph is the landlord, Ralph must fix it or he won't pay the rent. Ralph: "You sneak. What kind of sneak would think of doing something like that?" Ed: "I learned that from you. That is what you did for the landlord in the other place." Ralph reluctantly agrees to fix it but if it ends up more beautiful then his place, him and Ed are switching homes. Gee, Ralph is not nice. Ralph & Ed go over Ed's lease which lasts up to 99 years. Ed: "Can I get time off for good behavior?" Ralph: "That 99 years is for your benefit. No matter what you do, you are here for 99 years. Even after 99 years, you got an option to renew." Ed is glad because when he turns 142, he won't have to find another place to live. In the lease, Ralph is the lessor (the party of the first part) and Ed is the lessee (the party of the second part). Ed: "I thought this was you. Hippso Fatso." Ralph: "That is Ipso Fatto." One of the things in the lease is that Ed can't do is throw a party without Ralph because if he threw a party with Ralph, Ralph can't complain because he's a party of the first part. Ralph: "The landlord always gets the short end." It doesn't sound like Ralph is getting the worst of it here. After a few other things, Ed finally signs the lease. Ralph calls in Alice. Ed says that the arrangement will go fine. Alice sarcastically agrees. All of them sing: "The Future Looks Rosey."
After dinner at Ed's new home, Ralph comes in with paint. He is actually going to paint in a painter's uniform. He is going to fulfill Ed's request of painting the place. Ed asks him to do it when he is working because he can't stand the smell of paint. It makes him sick. Ralph: "You work in the sewer and you can't stand the smell of paint?" Ed: "I got sick down there too. They were painting the sewer." Why would they do that is any body's guess. Ralph insists on doing it now. Ed wants a choice of colors. Ralph writes them down. Here's their conversation. Ed: "I want the walls to be brown. Not as dark as a hazel-nut brown. Not as brown as morbid milk brown. There's a certain way that the sun at Coney Island has a way of striking the a hot dog's mustard which reflects off the hot dog through the mustard and sauerkraut. That's the kind of brown that I want." Ralph: "What about the moldings and window frames?" Ed: "I sort of visualize them as a misty gray. Did you see that technicolor movie with Ricardo Cortez? I want the gray from his eyes. Not the iris part of his eyes, but the cornea." Ralph: "That kind of gray huh? What about the door?" Ed: "The door I haven't really thought to much about." Ralph: "I think it should be something neutral so it doesn't clash with anything." Ed: "Good thinking. It should be a delicate badge. Not a harsh badge, just a neutral delicate badge." Ralph: "Let me see if I got all this right. You want the walls to be a brown like the sun striking through the mustard and sauerkraut on a hot dog. You want the moldings and window frames to be the gray of Robert Cortez's eyes. Not the iris, but the cornea and you want the door to be a nice delicate badge." Ed: "Yeah." Ralph: "I'm painting the whole joint green." Ed: "Green is good." Ralph: "IT WILL BE GREEN-GREEN!" Gee, what a nice landlord (note the sarcasm.) Ed relaxes while Ralph paints. Ralph notices. Ralph: "I never realized how much fun it is to be a landlord. Doing odds and ends and everything" Ed says that it won't work. He has read Tom Sawyer too. Ed plays the violin He says that it is important to use their fullest capabilities. Ed says that he is cheating himself if he doesn't use his free moments to do some creative and artistic endeavor. Ed says that he needs to practice. He plays it terribly. This aggravates Ralph and he orders Ed to stop. Ed says that he has to know how to play "Farmer and The Dell" on the violin by tomorrow. Ralph isn't going to let him play. Ralph paints the bow on his violin green. Ralph: "Now you can play 'Green Sleeves.'" Ed asks him to hurry up. Ralph hurries all right. He takes the paint cans and throws the paint onto the wall. Ed is upset and wants to leave, but Ralph won't let him because of his lease. (His rent is helping to pay Ralph's mortgage.) Ed: "Trixie, for the next 99 years, we aren't having any parties. I don't want Ralph to set foot in here anymore."
At 3am, Ed wakes up Trixie and they start to make noise by their fireplace (that is connected to the Kramden's fireplace.) They use noise-makers while they sing: "Get Some Cats and Dogs and Let Them Fight." After that Ed throws a lit fire cracker up into Ralph's fire escape...and nothing happens. Ed: "It must have been a dud!" Trixie goes to sleep. Ed makes more noise. Ralph hears the noise and confronts Ed. Ed tries to make noise in Ralph's presence. Ralph then shows Ed how to make noise by taking two lids and clanging them together and yelling. A cop comes around and Ed tells him that Ralph is the landlord and since he was trying to make noise to get evicted so Ralph came around and showed him how to make more noise. The cop understands but if he hears more noise, both Ralph & Ed will go to jail. Ralph leaves. Trixie gets back up. Ralph gets toasted from head to toe by one of Norton's giant firecrackers. With that, Ralph comes back in and kicks the Nortons out and just like that, the episode is over. In real life, the wick on fire crackers don't last that long. They make no mention of Ralph & Alice moving back home and making up with the Nortons.
At the curtain call, Jackie just says "Good night!"
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, honeymooners.net, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.