Frank Gannucci
09-11-2020, 07:05 AM
Honeymooners Episode Reviews: Scripts of “Alice’s Birthday” & “Missing Pair of Pants”:
Episode #52
DVD: Attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Easter Hats” & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.” On some DVD Box Sets, it says that the script for “Missing Pair of Pants” is there, when you click on it, it’s the script for “Alice’s Birthday.” There is also another link to “Alice’s Birthday” entitled, of course, “Alice’s Birthday.” Looks like MPI struck out again…until they reissued the set later on.
Air Date: Sat. 5/16/53
Thnks to ChrisTV of sitcomsonline.com for typing the whole script. For this review, I will copy and paste the whole script. I will insert a note or two.
Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. You know being married to Ralph is a constant challenge to Alice. She has to exert all her tact and diplomacy in coping with Ralph's unpredictable manner. Suppose we look in on Ralph and Alice and see how Alice deals with Ralph's mood of the moment.
[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the Kramden kitchen. Alice is discovered on. She has a jar of cheese spread which she is spreading on crackers which she places on plate. Trixie enters. She is carrying gift wrapped package.]
Trixie
Happy Birthday, Alice.
Alice
Thanks, Trixie.
[Trixie crosses to Alice and hugs her. As they break, Trixie extends gift to Alice.]
Trixie
Here, Alice, many happy returns.
(Frank’s Note: Both of those girls hugging make me feel good if you know what I mean.)
[Alice takes gift.]
Alice
You're very sweet, Trix. I'm dying to know what it is but I'll wait and open it when Ralph gets home.
Trixie
By the way, how many candles are you putting on your cake this year?
Alice
Twenty five.
Trixie
Alice, you mean you're only twenty five?
Alice
That's not what you asked me. And let’s change the subject.
[She crosses to bureau and puts gift on top of it.]
Trixie
Did Ralph give you his gift yet?
Alice
No, but it's going to be a nylon slip.
Trixie
You mean he told you what he's going to get you?
Alice
No, he doesn't even know about this himself yet. You see, Trixie, every year on my birthday Ralph forgets to buy me a present. He just never remembers. Well, tonight some of my friends are going to drop in. They do every birthday. And every year Ralph gets embarrassed when they start giving me their gifts and he doesn't have one for me. Well, to make sure that doesn't happen this time I phoned Jo Ann's lingerie shop and told them to send a nylon slip to me as Ralph's gift.
Trixie
Gee, you think of everything.
Alice
I even dictated a card for them to enclose. Does this sound romantic enough [reciting]... "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."
Trixie
Gee, Ralph is certainly romantic. He forgets to say the sweetest things!
Alice
Oh, by the way, Trix, I may need some extra glasses for tonight. Could I come up and borrow some?
Trixie
Well, I've only got six, but I don't know if you'd want to use them.
Alice
Why, what's wrong with them?
Trixie
On the bottom of each glass it says, "I'm a big girl. I drank all my milk." Ed got it by mistake, when he sent in a box top. He expected a space cadet helmet!
[As Alice chuckles the door opens and Ralph and Norton enter. They ad lib hellos.]
Ralph
Alice, I got to tell you what happened while I was driving the bus today. Now I've been driving a bus for twelve years, but what happened today tops everything. About four o'clock today I'm cruising along heading downtown. Well, all of a sudden I notice a kid in the bus. He was about five years old. He was running up and down the aisles, jumping on the seats, swinging the straps. So I turned to the kid and said, "Will you cut it out and sit with your mother?" and the kid said, "I can't. My mother got off the bus and left me here." Well, I figured it was an abandoned kid and that I'd turn him in at the depot at the end of the line. But as I stop at Kleins, the kid’s mother gets on and says to him, "Are you alright, Herbie?" Well, I get steamed and I turn to the lady and say, "You got a lot of nerve lady. What's the big idea of leaving your kid on the bus all afternoon?" and she said, "Where else can you get a baby sitter for a dime?"
[They laugh it up.]
Alice
Ralph, I have to go up to Trixie's. I'll be down in a minute.
Trixie [To Norton]
I'll have your dinner ready in a few minutes.
Norton
Did you get watermelon for dessert?
Trixie
Watermelon's not in season.
Norton
Don't give me that. That's what you've been telling me all winter.
[Trixie gives him a "You Poor Soul" take and leaves with Alice.]
Norton
You know Ralph, you were talking about the aggravations you get driving a bus all day. I work in a sewer. My job ain't no bed of roses either. Take last night, I was to quit at five. We'll I didn't get out of the sewer till eight thirty.
Ralph
Why? Did you have to work overtime?
Norton
No. I couldn't get out. Some jerk parked his car over the manhole!
Ralph
Norton, you are beautiful.
[Knock at door.]
Come in.
[Uniformed delivery boy enters with gift wrapped package.]
Boy
I got a package for Mrs. Kramden.
Ralph
I'm her husband. I'll take it.
[Ralph takes package. And fishes in his pocket.]
Norton, I haven't got any change on me. Take care of him.
[Norton reaches in his pocket and hands boy a coin. Boy looks at coin in his hand.]
Boy
A dime! I walked my feet off coming over here. What can I get with this?
Norton
Buy yourself a corn plaster!
[Boy reacts and leaves.]
Ralph
I wonder what this is. Its gift wrapped. It couldn't be….
[Ralph snaps fingers]
I forgot it again. Today is Alice's birthday. Norton you got to do me a favor. Run down to the candy store and get the biggest box of candy they got. You know with ribbons and everything. Then take it up to your place and I'll pretend I had it hidden up there all the time.
Norton
Okay but first I want to get a piece of fruit. I'm starved.
[As Norton crosses to ice box.]
Ralph
I wonder who sent her this package? Maybe it's from one of her girlfriends. Hey, there's a card here. I'll find out.
[There is a card in envelope tied to the ribbon. Ralph removes card. Scans it and his eyes bulge.]
Norton, get a load of this...[reading] "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you." And it isn't signed!
Norton
It isn't signed, huh? Now you'll never know if it's from one of her girl friends or not!
Ralph
Norton, you are a mental case. Don't you realize what this means. There's another guy in Alice's life. [He paces a few steps.] I wonder who it could be... I'm with her every night. It must be someone she meets during the day. Now, who could it be?
Norton
Maybe its Charlie, the butcher. She sees him every day. I know how we can find out. Gimme the envelope.
Ralph [Exasperated]
How can you tell it's from the butcher by looking at the envelope.
Norton
Maybe the envelopes got sawdust in it!
Ralph
Norton, you got sawdust in your head... I wonder what this guy sent to my wife...
[Ralph rips package open eyes bulging as he peers into box.]
Norton
What is it, Ralph?
[Ralph extracts pink slip from box and comments.]
Ralph
It ain't lamb chops! Norton, this is a terrific blow to me. When I married Alice thirteen years ago I worked hard so I could give her everything in life. There are only two things a man lives for... his wife and his job. Your wife and your job have one thing in common. When you find a pink slip you're thru! The handwriting is on the wall. Norton, I'll move into the Y.M.C.A. tonight.
Norton
The Y.M.C.A. is a good place. If you make up with Alice you can move back here. If you don't you'll become a very good handball player.
[Noticing hors oeuvres, lifts one... examines it.]
Ralph
Hey, she made hors do’euvres. That means she's having some people over like she does every birthday... And if I'm right... The rat that sent this package will probably come over for some cheese and crackers! The Y.M.C.A. can wait. I'll stick around and expose this home wrecker. Now the first thing I'll do is hide this package.
[Ralph crosses to bureau puts gift in drawer.]
Norton
How are you going to expose him, Ralph?
Ralph
Very simple. He'll probably be here tonight. All I have to do is mention the words "I love you now and forever" and the one who reacts must be the guilty party.
Norton
What if that don't work?
Ralph
Then I'll use my ace in the hole... This card. [Extracts card]. I'll compare everybody's handwriting to this.
[Alice enters carrying several glasses.]
Alice
Oh Ed, Trixie told me to tell you dinner's on the table.
Norton
Thanks.
[Norton starts to leave. Stops and sympathetically gives Ralph a keep your chin up punch. He exits.]
Ralph
I notice you're wearing your best dress. Any special reason?
Alice
I know you always forget, Ralph, but today I'm one year older.
Ralph
Well, today I'm five years older.
Alice
Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?
Ralph [Sarcastically]
Happy Birthday!
[Alice with glasses in hands leans forward and puckers her lips. Ralph stands there with feet planted and ignores her.]
Alice [Puckering]
Ralph, I've got my lips puckered.
[She puckers them again.]
Ralph
You got your lips puckered, huh? Well, you can whistle Dixie!
[She sets glasses down on bureau.]
Alice
Ralph, what's eating you?
Ralph
Alice, What do you do all day?
Alice
What do you mean?
Ralph
What did you do today for instance?
Alice
Well, after I did the breakfast dishes, I made the bed, waxed the kitchen floor, washed your shirts, hung them on the roof, then I came down and washed the windows, mended your socks, went out to pay the gas bills, then I did the marketing, and when I came back I took your shirts down from the roof and ironed them.
Ralph [Challenging]
Yeah, but what did you do in your spare time!
Alice
What did I do in my spare time? I went down to the employment agency and interviewed butlers!
Ralph
One of the days... One of the days, Alice... Pow right in the kisser.
[Knock on the door.]
Alice
Ralph, I think some of our friends are here. Now stop acting stupid, and go in and change your jacket.
[Ralph goes into bedroom. Alice crosses to door and comments.]
Come in.
[The door opens and five people enter. Two women and three men. Two of the men are rather attractive and the third man is fat and an unlikely suspect. The people ad lib "Happy Birthdays" and "Helloes", and hand Alice presents and she thanks them.
First woman
Where's Ralph?
Alice
He'll be out in a minute. Help yourself to some hors do’euvres and I'll get you a cold drink.
First woman
Alice. You never seem to get a day older.
Alice
Thank you.
First woman
You now what they say… A woman carries her years so lightly because she loses so many on the way.
[They all laugh. Alice comes back from icebox with pitcher, and starts pouring drinks into glasses on bureau. They start sipping and eating some hors do’euvres and engage in small talk, as Ralph enters everybody adlibs helloes.]
Ralph [Down]
Hello everybody.
First man
Ralph; you certainly are a lucky guy to have a pretty wife like Alice.
Ralph [Suspiciously]
Think I got a pretty wife, Huh Frank? Can I speak to you for a minute alone?
First man
Sure Ralph.
[Frank crosses to Ralph. Others and Alice stay in group and engage in small talk. Ralph looks Frank up and down.
Ralph
So you think I got a pretty wife, huh?
[Ralph laughs like he's got Frank trapped.]
First man [Puzzled]
Yeah. I think you got a pretty wife.
[Ralph reaches into pocket pulls out card holds it away from Frank, to remind himself. Then puts it back in pocket.]
Ralph [Entre hous]
I love you now and forever.
[Frank reacts.]
Does that mean anything to you?
First man
Yeah. You're drunk.
[Ralph takes out card from pocket.]
Ralph
Frank have you got a pencil and paper on you?
First man
Yeah, why?
Ralph
I'd like you to write down your address for me.
First man
What do you want my address for? I live right in the next apartment.
Ralph [Stuttering]
Well... Um... Um... In case I ever move.
First man
Well, all right, if you want it.
[First man takes out pencil and pad and writes. Ralph turns away from man and taking card in one hand compares it with mans handwriting.]
Ralph [Chuckling]
Forget what I said Frank. Go over and have a drink... And oh... You can have your address back.
[Ralph hands back slip of paper back to first man. Man returns to group as he regards Ralph curiously.]
[Calling] Oh, George!
[The fat man in the group crosses to Ralph. Ralph looks him up and down sparingly.]
No… It couldn't be you. Forget it, George. Go back and dig into them hors do’euvres.
[George reacts, and goes back to group.]
[Calls] Oh, Henry, Can I see you for a minute?
Henry
Sure.
[Henry crosses over to Ralph.]
What can I do for you, Ralph?
Ralph
I just want to ask you a question. Um... What did you give Alice for her birthday?
Henry
Didn't it arrive yet? I didn't bring anything. I told the store to deliver it.
Ralph
Oh, so you're the one!
[Takes John L. Sullivan pose with fists clenched.]
Put up your dukes!
[Group reacts and turns]
Alice
Ralph, What are you doing?
Ralph
Stay out of this Alice. I'll prove to you who the better man is.
Henry
What's the matter with you Ralph?
Ralph
Put up your dukes! Now start fighting!
Henry
Well, if that's what you want Ralph.
[Henry gives Ralph a light tap in the face. Ralph instantly goes into pain bit… holding face. At the conclusion of pain bit, Henry speaks.]
I think I better go.
Women
I think we'd all better go.
[They ad lib goodbyes and exit.]
Alice
Ralph, have you gone out of your mind?
Ralph
I haven't gone out of my mind. But you've gone out of yours. You're in love with Henry Cidermann.
Alice [Puzzled]
In love with Henry Cidermann???
Ralph
Yeah and I can prove it.
[He storms over to bureau and pulls package out.]
This is the package that came for you while you were up at Trixie's. It's a pink slip. And he sent [Pulls card from pocket.] this card along with it. You want to hear what it says?
Alice
I'll tell you what it says... "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."
Ralph [Amazed]
How did you know what it said?
Alice
Because I sent the package. Ralph, you’ve never remembered my birthday since we've been married... And every year when people give me gifts, you get embarrassed because you didn't get me one. I bought this gift and had them enclose that card so you wouldn't be embarrassed... But instead you had to humiliate me.
[Alice sits down in kitchen chair. Music sneaks in. Ralph is lost for words.]
Ralph
Gee, Alice I certainly ruined your birthday. You're right I always do forget your birthday. But it's not because I don't love you. It's just that I'm... Uh... I guess I'm not very bright that's all. I'm sorry I acted like I did in front of our friends... But you know how I feel about you... And when I thought Henry Cidermann… Well, you know I'm jealous if anyone ever looks at you... I guess I'll take a walk.
Alice [Rising]
Ralph.
[Ralph turns]
I'm all puckered up.
Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.
[Blackout.]
Episode #34
DVD: Attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Easter Hats”, "Alice's Birthday" & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.” On some DVD Box Sets, it says that the script for “Missing Pair of Pants” is there, when you click on it, it’s the script for “Alice’s Birthday.” There is also another link to “Alice’s Birthday” entitled, of course, “Alice’s Birthday.” Looks like MPI struck out again…until they reissued the set later on.
Air Date: Sat. 12/6/52
"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"THE MISSING PAIR OF PANTS"
Thanks to ChrisTV of sitcomsonline.com for posting this. I will repost these with a note or two.
Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. Ralph and Alice have been married thirteen years and their relationship is the same now, as it was the day they were married… You see they even argued then. But fortunately as in most marriages, they have weathered their differences, and their arguments only resolve in making their love stronger… So lets look in on The Honeymooners now as played by Jackie Gleason & Audrey Meadows, and see what state their marriages is in to-day!
[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the "Kramden kitchen". The time is morning. Alice is discovered on stage. She fills a pan with water and lays it on stove to boil. She is dressed in bathrobe, slippers, etc. She calls to Ralph who is O.S.]
Alice
You better hurry, Ralph, or you'll be late for work.
[As she places lid back on percolator and adjusts flame on stove. Ralph enters from bedroom & is wearing his pajamas. His tops are not tucked in pants but overlap. He has a pair of socks in his hand and storms over to Alice, he is trying to contain himself.]
Ralph
May I ask you a simple question?
Alice
What is it?
Ralph
When a woman darns her husbands socks, would you say it's proper to darn black socks with black thread, and green socks with green thread?
Alice
That's right.
Ralph
Then would you mind explaining, why you darned my black socks with green thread?
Alice
What's the difference, nobody sees your socks their in your shoes.
Ralph
I'll tell you what’s the difference, these socks have been mended so many times, I can't tell if they're black socks darned with green thread or green socks darned with black thread…
[Holding his socks.]
Have you got any clues?
Alice [Looking at socks]
Yeah! These are your brown socks, darned with black and green thread!
Ralph
Don't steam me Alice, don't steam me, cause I'm already steamed!
Alice
If you don't hurry and get dressed, you won't have time for breakfast.
Ralph
Oh, and another thing… Where's my underwear?
Alice
I washed them last night and I left them out on the line to dry…. I'll get him…
Ralph
Never mind, I'll get em, you just get my breakfast.
[Ralph storms off to bedroom. Alice goes for cup and saucer places it on table, strongly remembering something calls into Ralph.]
Alice
Don't keep the bedroom window open too long… It's freezing out.
[She goes for sugar bowl and as she places that on table… Ralph enters, this time he is carrying a pair of long winter underwear that is frozen stiff.]
Ralph
Well, I'm glad you left them out in the cold all night… They're frozen stiff.
Alice
I'm terribly sorry, Ralph.
Ralph [With sarcasm]
Oh, no need to apologize, just give me an ice pick and I'll get dressed.
Alice
Maybe if you put them on, they'll thaw out.
Ralph
Now there's a bright idea… What if I put them on and they don't thaw out??? I'll have to walk around all day like this!
[Ralph extends both arms & extends 1 leg sideways, (this is the shape the underwear is frozen in).]
Alice
Alright, alright, let me have them & I'll get another pair… In the meantime you can put the toast on.
[Alice exits into bedroom with long underwear. Ralph extracts two slices of bread from loaf in icebox and places them in slots in toaster. Then Ralph takes small jar of coffee (instant coffee) from top of icebox and tries to open it. After trying to twist lid off with several stressful grunts he bangs jar on table, then…]
Ralph [Looking at jar]
How do you like that, they call this instant coffee… And it takes an hour just to get the jar open.
[He tries to twist lid again and it comes off. He pours some in cup on table, then pours some boiled water into cup, then goes to toaster, he looks at it, then shouts into bedroom.]
Alice… Alice…
[Alice enters.]
Alice
Stop Hollerin, I found you a pair, I put it on the bed.
Ralph
Never mind the underwear… I put some toast in here five minutes ago and it hasn't come up yet…
[In pyramiding tones.]
Why?… Why?… Why?… Why????
Alice
I'll tell you why…..
Ralph [Interrupting]
I'll tell you why… I asked you to have this toaster fixed four weeks ago, but you didn't do it. Instead of lookin’ after the house you were up in Trixie;s watchin’ television… or playin’ canasta with the girls or you were wasting time over your mother’s. Now will you just give me one reason why this toaster ain't workin’…. Give me one reason…. One.
Alice
Well it could be because, I was up in Trixie’s watchin’ television, it could be because I was busy playin’ canasta… And it could be because I spend my time over my mother’s. But if you want to know the reason why the toasted ain't workin’… It's because you didn't plug it in.
Ralph
One of these days, Alice, one of these days…. Pow! Right in the kisser!
Alice
Look, Ralph, There's no time for breakfast now. You better get dressed and out of here or you'll be late.
[Ralph reacts with a growl and crosses to bureau.]
Ralph
Where's my pants? Where's my pants?
Alice
Well, where would they be?
Ralph
That's just it. Now, Alice, you know when I take my pants off every night I hang them on the bureau, so they'll stay pressed. Well, where are they?
Alice
Don't ask me Ralph. When you got home last night, I was already in bed. All I know is that every time you go out with the boys for a few beers after work, the following morning you have to look all over the house for something you lost.
Ralph
Look, Alice, I might of had a few beers last night, But I know what I was doin'.
Alice
I don't know how many beers you had, but coming home last night you were pretty loud.
Ralph
You mean you could hear me when I came into the house last night?
Alice
I could hear you when you got off the subway!
(Frank’s Note: Isn't the apartment three long blocks away from the building? Regardless, Ralph must have great vocal cords for his voice to reach that far.)
Ralph
Alice, you may have been in bed when I came home last night, but I was in bed when you got up this morning. Now, where's my pants?
Alice
I don't know. But you're late for work already. Put on any pants.
Ralph
What and be out of uniform.
Alice
What's so important about being in uniform?
Ralph
Plenty! Charlie Grogan showed up out of uniform one mornin' at the bus depot, and you know what they did to him?
Alice
What did they do fire him?
Ralph
Worse than that… they transferred him to drivin' a school bus, and in less than two hours those kids drove him nuts… Now I don't know what you did with those pants but I'm not leavin' the house until you find them.
Alice
I'll find them they're probably in the bedroom.
[As she enters bedroom, Ralph starts to pace as Norton enters, lunchbox in hand.]
Norton
H'ya, Ralph… Arentcha goin to work?
Ralph
I can't go to work… I lost my pants.
Norton
That'll teach you, never play cards with strangers.
Ralph
I wasn't playing cards…. Every night before I go to bed, I hang my pants on that bureau… When I got up this morning I looked on the bureau and they weren't there.
Norton
That’s one for the books. I heard of the bureau of missing persons but I never heard of the bureau of missing pants.
Ralph
What's gettin' me crazy is how them pants coulda disappeared... The door was locked, the window was locked and Alice says she didn't take em.
Norton
The truth, Ralph, did you take em?
Ralph [Oliver style]
Now why would I steal my own pants?
Norton
What am I a psychiatrist?
Ralph
Norton, one of these days there gonna drop a net over you…
[Turn into bedroom.]
Did you find my pants, Alice?
Alice [O.S.]
No, I'm still lookin'.
Ralph
It's no use, Norton she won't find em… Look will you do me a favor call up the bus depot for me and tell em to put a relief driver on my bus, I'm not goin' in to-day.
Norton
Okay, Ralph, see you to-night… Don't worry kid just keep out of drafts.
[He exits, Alice enters.]
Alice
I can't find em anywhere.
Ralph [Walking joke]
That’s what I figured, all I know is I didn't take em… Alice, you cost me a days pay… What am I gonna tell em to-morrow down the bus depot? When other guys are out, they can say they had a cold… or they had to go to court… or their house burnt down… What's the excuse that I'm gonna give my boss?… When he asks me why I didn't come in today I'll have to tell him, I lost my pants and my underwear froze…. What makes it worse is I had my wallet in my back pocket.
[He slaps his hand to back pocket & presses. A look of guilt and embarrassment creeps across his countenance.]
Alice
What's the matter, Ralph?
[Ralph continues with hands dangling and look of embarrassment.]
Ralph
I guess I did have a beer too many last night.
Alice
What do you mean?
Ralph
When I went to bed last night, I put my pajamas over my pants.
Alice
I'm glad you found em. You were about ready to turn me over to the police.
[Alice sits down on chair. Music sneaks in as Ralph slips out of pajama bottoms.]
Ralph
Gee, Alice I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blamed you for something that was my own fault. I lost a day's pay and with Christmas coming we can sure use the money… I'll make it up, Alice, I'll work a double shift to-morrow.
(Frank’s Note: Couldn't Ralph immediately get Norton to not call his boss? That way, Ralph might go to work.)
Alice
Sit down and I'll fix you some breakfast.
Ralph
Gee, baby, you're the greatest.
[Blackout]
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.
Episode #52
DVD: Attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Easter Hats” & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.” On some DVD Box Sets, it says that the script for “Missing Pair of Pants” is there, when you click on it, it’s the script for “Alice’s Birthday.” There is also another link to “Alice’s Birthday” entitled, of course, “Alice’s Birthday.” Looks like MPI struck out again…until they reissued the set later on.
Air Date: Sat. 5/16/53
Thnks to ChrisTV of sitcomsonline.com for typing the whole script. For this review, I will copy and paste the whole script. I will insert a note or two.
Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. You know being married to Ralph is a constant challenge to Alice. She has to exert all her tact and diplomacy in coping with Ralph's unpredictable manner. Suppose we look in on Ralph and Alice and see how Alice deals with Ralph's mood of the moment.
[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the Kramden kitchen. Alice is discovered on. She has a jar of cheese spread which she is spreading on crackers which she places on plate. Trixie enters. She is carrying gift wrapped package.]
Trixie
Happy Birthday, Alice.
Alice
Thanks, Trixie.
[Trixie crosses to Alice and hugs her. As they break, Trixie extends gift to Alice.]
Trixie
Here, Alice, many happy returns.
(Frank’s Note: Both of those girls hugging make me feel good if you know what I mean.)
[Alice takes gift.]
Alice
You're very sweet, Trix. I'm dying to know what it is but I'll wait and open it when Ralph gets home.
Trixie
By the way, how many candles are you putting on your cake this year?
Alice
Twenty five.
Trixie
Alice, you mean you're only twenty five?
Alice
That's not what you asked me. And let’s change the subject.
[She crosses to bureau and puts gift on top of it.]
Trixie
Did Ralph give you his gift yet?
Alice
No, but it's going to be a nylon slip.
Trixie
You mean he told you what he's going to get you?
Alice
No, he doesn't even know about this himself yet. You see, Trixie, every year on my birthday Ralph forgets to buy me a present. He just never remembers. Well, tonight some of my friends are going to drop in. They do every birthday. And every year Ralph gets embarrassed when they start giving me their gifts and he doesn't have one for me. Well, to make sure that doesn't happen this time I phoned Jo Ann's lingerie shop and told them to send a nylon slip to me as Ralph's gift.
Trixie
Gee, you think of everything.
Alice
I even dictated a card for them to enclose. Does this sound romantic enough [reciting]... "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."
Trixie
Gee, Ralph is certainly romantic. He forgets to say the sweetest things!
Alice
Oh, by the way, Trix, I may need some extra glasses for tonight. Could I come up and borrow some?
Trixie
Well, I've only got six, but I don't know if you'd want to use them.
Alice
Why, what's wrong with them?
Trixie
On the bottom of each glass it says, "I'm a big girl. I drank all my milk." Ed got it by mistake, when he sent in a box top. He expected a space cadet helmet!
[As Alice chuckles the door opens and Ralph and Norton enter. They ad lib hellos.]
Ralph
Alice, I got to tell you what happened while I was driving the bus today. Now I've been driving a bus for twelve years, but what happened today tops everything. About four o'clock today I'm cruising along heading downtown. Well, all of a sudden I notice a kid in the bus. He was about five years old. He was running up and down the aisles, jumping on the seats, swinging the straps. So I turned to the kid and said, "Will you cut it out and sit with your mother?" and the kid said, "I can't. My mother got off the bus and left me here." Well, I figured it was an abandoned kid and that I'd turn him in at the depot at the end of the line. But as I stop at Kleins, the kid’s mother gets on and says to him, "Are you alright, Herbie?" Well, I get steamed and I turn to the lady and say, "You got a lot of nerve lady. What's the big idea of leaving your kid on the bus all afternoon?" and she said, "Where else can you get a baby sitter for a dime?"
[They laugh it up.]
Alice
Ralph, I have to go up to Trixie's. I'll be down in a minute.
Trixie [To Norton]
I'll have your dinner ready in a few minutes.
Norton
Did you get watermelon for dessert?
Trixie
Watermelon's not in season.
Norton
Don't give me that. That's what you've been telling me all winter.
[Trixie gives him a "You Poor Soul" take and leaves with Alice.]
Norton
You know Ralph, you were talking about the aggravations you get driving a bus all day. I work in a sewer. My job ain't no bed of roses either. Take last night, I was to quit at five. We'll I didn't get out of the sewer till eight thirty.
Ralph
Why? Did you have to work overtime?
Norton
No. I couldn't get out. Some jerk parked his car over the manhole!
Ralph
Norton, you are beautiful.
[Knock at door.]
Come in.
[Uniformed delivery boy enters with gift wrapped package.]
Boy
I got a package for Mrs. Kramden.
Ralph
I'm her husband. I'll take it.
[Ralph takes package. And fishes in his pocket.]
Norton, I haven't got any change on me. Take care of him.
[Norton reaches in his pocket and hands boy a coin. Boy looks at coin in his hand.]
Boy
A dime! I walked my feet off coming over here. What can I get with this?
Norton
Buy yourself a corn plaster!
[Boy reacts and leaves.]
Ralph
I wonder what this is. Its gift wrapped. It couldn't be….
[Ralph snaps fingers]
I forgot it again. Today is Alice's birthday. Norton you got to do me a favor. Run down to the candy store and get the biggest box of candy they got. You know with ribbons and everything. Then take it up to your place and I'll pretend I had it hidden up there all the time.
Norton
Okay but first I want to get a piece of fruit. I'm starved.
[As Norton crosses to ice box.]
Ralph
I wonder who sent her this package? Maybe it's from one of her girlfriends. Hey, there's a card here. I'll find out.
[There is a card in envelope tied to the ribbon. Ralph removes card. Scans it and his eyes bulge.]
Norton, get a load of this...[reading] "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you." And it isn't signed!
Norton
It isn't signed, huh? Now you'll never know if it's from one of her girl friends or not!
Ralph
Norton, you are a mental case. Don't you realize what this means. There's another guy in Alice's life. [He paces a few steps.] I wonder who it could be... I'm with her every night. It must be someone she meets during the day. Now, who could it be?
Norton
Maybe its Charlie, the butcher. She sees him every day. I know how we can find out. Gimme the envelope.
Ralph [Exasperated]
How can you tell it's from the butcher by looking at the envelope.
Norton
Maybe the envelopes got sawdust in it!
Ralph
Norton, you got sawdust in your head... I wonder what this guy sent to my wife...
[Ralph rips package open eyes bulging as he peers into box.]
Norton
What is it, Ralph?
[Ralph extracts pink slip from box and comments.]
Ralph
It ain't lamb chops! Norton, this is a terrific blow to me. When I married Alice thirteen years ago I worked hard so I could give her everything in life. There are only two things a man lives for... his wife and his job. Your wife and your job have one thing in common. When you find a pink slip you're thru! The handwriting is on the wall. Norton, I'll move into the Y.M.C.A. tonight.
Norton
The Y.M.C.A. is a good place. If you make up with Alice you can move back here. If you don't you'll become a very good handball player.
[Noticing hors oeuvres, lifts one... examines it.]
Ralph
Hey, she made hors do’euvres. That means she's having some people over like she does every birthday... And if I'm right... The rat that sent this package will probably come over for some cheese and crackers! The Y.M.C.A. can wait. I'll stick around and expose this home wrecker. Now the first thing I'll do is hide this package.
[Ralph crosses to bureau puts gift in drawer.]
Norton
How are you going to expose him, Ralph?
Ralph
Very simple. He'll probably be here tonight. All I have to do is mention the words "I love you now and forever" and the one who reacts must be the guilty party.
Norton
What if that don't work?
Ralph
Then I'll use my ace in the hole... This card. [Extracts card]. I'll compare everybody's handwriting to this.
[Alice enters carrying several glasses.]
Alice
Oh Ed, Trixie told me to tell you dinner's on the table.
Norton
Thanks.
[Norton starts to leave. Stops and sympathetically gives Ralph a keep your chin up punch. He exits.]
Ralph
I notice you're wearing your best dress. Any special reason?
Alice
I know you always forget, Ralph, but today I'm one year older.
Ralph
Well, today I'm five years older.
Alice
Aren't you going to wish me a happy birthday?
Ralph [Sarcastically]
Happy Birthday!
[Alice with glasses in hands leans forward and puckers her lips. Ralph stands there with feet planted and ignores her.]
Alice [Puckering]
Ralph, I've got my lips puckered.
[She puckers them again.]
Ralph
You got your lips puckered, huh? Well, you can whistle Dixie!
[She sets glasses down on bureau.]
Alice
Ralph, what's eating you?
Ralph
Alice, What do you do all day?
Alice
What do you mean?
Ralph
What did you do today for instance?
Alice
Well, after I did the breakfast dishes, I made the bed, waxed the kitchen floor, washed your shirts, hung them on the roof, then I came down and washed the windows, mended your socks, went out to pay the gas bills, then I did the marketing, and when I came back I took your shirts down from the roof and ironed them.
Ralph [Challenging]
Yeah, but what did you do in your spare time!
Alice
What did I do in my spare time? I went down to the employment agency and interviewed butlers!
Ralph
One of the days... One of the days, Alice... Pow right in the kisser.
[Knock on the door.]
Alice
Ralph, I think some of our friends are here. Now stop acting stupid, and go in and change your jacket.
[Ralph goes into bedroom. Alice crosses to door and comments.]
Come in.
[The door opens and five people enter. Two women and three men. Two of the men are rather attractive and the third man is fat and an unlikely suspect. The people ad lib "Happy Birthdays" and "Helloes", and hand Alice presents and she thanks them.
First woman
Where's Ralph?
Alice
He'll be out in a minute. Help yourself to some hors do’euvres and I'll get you a cold drink.
First woman
Alice. You never seem to get a day older.
Alice
Thank you.
First woman
You now what they say… A woman carries her years so lightly because she loses so many on the way.
[They all laugh. Alice comes back from icebox with pitcher, and starts pouring drinks into glasses on bureau. They start sipping and eating some hors do’euvres and engage in small talk, as Ralph enters everybody adlibs helloes.]
Ralph [Down]
Hello everybody.
First man
Ralph; you certainly are a lucky guy to have a pretty wife like Alice.
Ralph [Suspiciously]
Think I got a pretty wife, Huh Frank? Can I speak to you for a minute alone?
First man
Sure Ralph.
[Frank crosses to Ralph. Others and Alice stay in group and engage in small talk. Ralph looks Frank up and down.
Ralph
So you think I got a pretty wife, huh?
[Ralph laughs like he's got Frank trapped.]
First man [Puzzled]
Yeah. I think you got a pretty wife.
[Ralph reaches into pocket pulls out card holds it away from Frank, to remind himself. Then puts it back in pocket.]
Ralph [Entre hous]
I love you now and forever.
[Frank reacts.]
Does that mean anything to you?
First man
Yeah. You're drunk.
[Ralph takes out card from pocket.]
Ralph
Frank have you got a pencil and paper on you?
First man
Yeah, why?
Ralph
I'd like you to write down your address for me.
First man
What do you want my address for? I live right in the next apartment.
Ralph [Stuttering]
Well... Um... Um... In case I ever move.
First man
Well, all right, if you want it.
[First man takes out pencil and pad and writes. Ralph turns away from man and taking card in one hand compares it with mans handwriting.]
Ralph [Chuckling]
Forget what I said Frank. Go over and have a drink... And oh... You can have your address back.
[Ralph hands back slip of paper back to first man. Man returns to group as he regards Ralph curiously.]
[Calling] Oh, George!
[The fat man in the group crosses to Ralph. Ralph looks him up and down sparingly.]
No… It couldn't be you. Forget it, George. Go back and dig into them hors do’euvres.
[George reacts, and goes back to group.]
[Calls] Oh, Henry, Can I see you for a minute?
Henry
Sure.
[Henry crosses over to Ralph.]
What can I do for you, Ralph?
Ralph
I just want to ask you a question. Um... What did you give Alice for her birthday?
Henry
Didn't it arrive yet? I didn't bring anything. I told the store to deliver it.
Ralph
Oh, so you're the one!
[Takes John L. Sullivan pose with fists clenched.]
Put up your dukes!
[Group reacts and turns]
Alice
Ralph, What are you doing?
Ralph
Stay out of this Alice. I'll prove to you who the better man is.
Henry
What's the matter with you Ralph?
Ralph
Put up your dukes! Now start fighting!
Henry
Well, if that's what you want Ralph.
[Henry gives Ralph a light tap in the face. Ralph instantly goes into pain bit… holding face. At the conclusion of pain bit, Henry speaks.]
I think I better go.
Women
I think we'd all better go.
[They ad lib goodbyes and exit.]
Alice
Ralph, have you gone out of your mind?
Ralph
I haven't gone out of my mind. But you've gone out of yours. You're in love with Henry Cidermann.
Alice [Puzzled]
In love with Henry Cidermann???
Ralph
Yeah and I can prove it.
[He storms over to bureau and pulls package out.]
This is the package that came for you while you were up at Trixie's. It's a pink slip. And he sent [Pulls card from pocket.] this card along with it. You want to hear what it says?
Alice
I'll tell you what it says... "To my darling Alice... I love you now and forever. This is just a little something from the man who adores you."
Ralph [Amazed]
How did you know what it said?
Alice
Because I sent the package. Ralph, you’ve never remembered my birthday since we've been married... And every year when people give me gifts, you get embarrassed because you didn't get me one. I bought this gift and had them enclose that card so you wouldn't be embarrassed... But instead you had to humiliate me.
[Alice sits down in kitchen chair. Music sneaks in. Ralph is lost for words.]
Ralph
Gee, Alice I certainly ruined your birthday. You're right I always do forget your birthday. But it's not because I don't love you. It's just that I'm... Uh... I guess I'm not very bright that's all. I'm sorry I acted like I did in front of our friends... But you know how I feel about you... And when I thought Henry Cidermann… Well, you know I'm jealous if anyone ever looks at you... I guess I'll take a walk.
Alice [Rising]
Ralph.
[Ralph turns]
I'm all puckered up.
Ralph
Baby, You're the greatest.
[Blackout.]
Episode #34
DVD: Attached to “The Norton Interviews”, Radio versions of “Letter To The Boss” & “Love Letter”, “Additional Sketches & Commercials”, “Lost Episodes Story”, script to “Easter Hats”, "Alice's Birthday" & “All About Trixie: Joyce Randolph Interview.” On some DVD Box Sets, it says that the script for “Missing Pair of Pants” is there, when you click on it, it’s the script for “Alice’s Birthday.” There is also another link to “Alice’s Birthday” entitled, of course, “Alice’s Birthday.” Looks like MPI struck out again…until they reissued the set later on.
Air Date: Sat. 12/6/52
"THE HONEYMOONERS"
"THE MISSING PAIR OF PANTS"
Thanks to ChrisTV of sitcomsonline.com for posting this. I will repost these with a note or two.
Announcer
And now it's time for another visit with Ralph and Alice Kramden, better known to you as The Honeymooners. Ralph and Alice have been married thirteen years and their relationship is the same now, as it was the day they were married… You see they even argued then. But fortunately as in most marriages, they have weathered their differences, and their arguments only resolve in making their love stronger… So lets look in on The Honeymooners now as played by Jackie Gleason & Audrey Meadows, and see what state their marriages is in to-day!
[As travelers part camera holds on an establishing shot of the "Kramden kitchen". The time is morning. Alice is discovered on stage. She fills a pan with water and lays it on stove to boil. She is dressed in bathrobe, slippers, etc. She calls to Ralph who is O.S.]
Alice
You better hurry, Ralph, or you'll be late for work.
[As she places lid back on percolator and adjusts flame on stove. Ralph enters from bedroom & is wearing his pajamas. His tops are not tucked in pants but overlap. He has a pair of socks in his hand and storms over to Alice, he is trying to contain himself.]
Ralph
May I ask you a simple question?
Alice
What is it?
Ralph
When a woman darns her husbands socks, would you say it's proper to darn black socks with black thread, and green socks with green thread?
Alice
That's right.
Ralph
Then would you mind explaining, why you darned my black socks with green thread?
Alice
What's the difference, nobody sees your socks their in your shoes.
Ralph
I'll tell you what’s the difference, these socks have been mended so many times, I can't tell if they're black socks darned with green thread or green socks darned with black thread…
[Holding his socks.]
Have you got any clues?
Alice [Looking at socks]
Yeah! These are your brown socks, darned with black and green thread!
Ralph
Don't steam me Alice, don't steam me, cause I'm already steamed!
Alice
If you don't hurry and get dressed, you won't have time for breakfast.
Ralph
Oh, and another thing… Where's my underwear?
Alice
I washed them last night and I left them out on the line to dry…. I'll get him…
Ralph
Never mind, I'll get em, you just get my breakfast.
[Ralph storms off to bedroom. Alice goes for cup and saucer places it on table, strongly remembering something calls into Ralph.]
Alice
Don't keep the bedroom window open too long… It's freezing out.
[She goes for sugar bowl and as she places that on table… Ralph enters, this time he is carrying a pair of long winter underwear that is frozen stiff.]
Ralph
Well, I'm glad you left them out in the cold all night… They're frozen stiff.
Alice
I'm terribly sorry, Ralph.
Ralph [With sarcasm]
Oh, no need to apologize, just give me an ice pick and I'll get dressed.
Alice
Maybe if you put them on, they'll thaw out.
Ralph
Now there's a bright idea… What if I put them on and they don't thaw out??? I'll have to walk around all day like this!
[Ralph extends both arms & extends 1 leg sideways, (this is the shape the underwear is frozen in).]
Alice
Alright, alright, let me have them & I'll get another pair… In the meantime you can put the toast on.
[Alice exits into bedroom with long underwear. Ralph extracts two slices of bread from loaf in icebox and places them in slots in toaster. Then Ralph takes small jar of coffee (instant coffee) from top of icebox and tries to open it. After trying to twist lid off with several stressful grunts he bangs jar on table, then…]
Ralph [Looking at jar]
How do you like that, they call this instant coffee… And it takes an hour just to get the jar open.
[He tries to twist lid again and it comes off. He pours some in cup on table, then pours some boiled water into cup, then goes to toaster, he looks at it, then shouts into bedroom.]
Alice… Alice…
[Alice enters.]
Alice
Stop Hollerin, I found you a pair, I put it on the bed.
Ralph
Never mind the underwear… I put some toast in here five minutes ago and it hasn't come up yet…
[In pyramiding tones.]
Why?… Why?… Why?… Why????
Alice
I'll tell you why…..
Ralph [Interrupting]
I'll tell you why… I asked you to have this toaster fixed four weeks ago, but you didn't do it. Instead of lookin’ after the house you were up in Trixie;s watchin’ television… or playin’ canasta with the girls or you were wasting time over your mother’s. Now will you just give me one reason why this toaster ain't workin’…. Give me one reason…. One.
Alice
Well it could be because, I was up in Trixie’s watchin’ television, it could be because I was busy playin’ canasta… And it could be because I spend my time over my mother’s. But if you want to know the reason why the toasted ain't workin’… It's because you didn't plug it in.
Ralph
One of these days, Alice, one of these days…. Pow! Right in the kisser!
Alice
Look, Ralph, There's no time for breakfast now. You better get dressed and out of here or you'll be late.
[Ralph reacts with a growl and crosses to bureau.]
Ralph
Where's my pants? Where's my pants?
Alice
Well, where would they be?
Ralph
That's just it. Now, Alice, you know when I take my pants off every night I hang them on the bureau, so they'll stay pressed. Well, where are they?
Alice
Don't ask me Ralph. When you got home last night, I was already in bed. All I know is that every time you go out with the boys for a few beers after work, the following morning you have to look all over the house for something you lost.
Ralph
Look, Alice, I might of had a few beers last night, But I know what I was doin'.
Alice
I don't know how many beers you had, but coming home last night you were pretty loud.
Ralph
You mean you could hear me when I came into the house last night?
Alice
I could hear you when you got off the subway!
(Frank’s Note: Isn't the apartment three long blocks away from the building? Regardless, Ralph must have great vocal cords for his voice to reach that far.)
Ralph
Alice, you may have been in bed when I came home last night, but I was in bed when you got up this morning. Now, where's my pants?
Alice
I don't know. But you're late for work already. Put on any pants.
Ralph
What and be out of uniform.
Alice
What's so important about being in uniform?
Ralph
Plenty! Charlie Grogan showed up out of uniform one mornin' at the bus depot, and you know what they did to him?
Alice
What did they do fire him?
Ralph
Worse than that… they transferred him to drivin' a school bus, and in less than two hours those kids drove him nuts… Now I don't know what you did with those pants but I'm not leavin' the house until you find them.
Alice
I'll find them they're probably in the bedroom.
[As she enters bedroom, Ralph starts to pace as Norton enters, lunchbox in hand.]
Norton
H'ya, Ralph… Arentcha goin to work?
Ralph
I can't go to work… I lost my pants.
Norton
That'll teach you, never play cards with strangers.
Ralph
I wasn't playing cards…. Every night before I go to bed, I hang my pants on that bureau… When I got up this morning I looked on the bureau and they weren't there.
Norton
That’s one for the books. I heard of the bureau of missing persons but I never heard of the bureau of missing pants.
Ralph
What's gettin' me crazy is how them pants coulda disappeared... The door was locked, the window was locked and Alice says she didn't take em.
Norton
The truth, Ralph, did you take em?
Ralph [Oliver style]
Now why would I steal my own pants?
Norton
What am I a psychiatrist?
Ralph
Norton, one of these days there gonna drop a net over you…
[Turn into bedroom.]
Did you find my pants, Alice?
Alice [O.S.]
No, I'm still lookin'.
Ralph
It's no use, Norton she won't find em… Look will you do me a favor call up the bus depot for me and tell em to put a relief driver on my bus, I'm not goin' in to-day.
Norton
Okay, Ralph, see you to-night… Don't worry kid just keep out of drafts.
[He exits, Alice enters.]
Alice
I can't find em anywhere.
Ralph [Walking joke]
That’s what I figured, all I know is I didn't take em… Alice, you cost me a days pay… What am I gonna tell em to-morrow down the bus depot? When other guys are out, they can say they had a cold… or they had to go to court… or their house burnt down… What's the excuse that I'm gonna give my boss?… When he asks me why I didn't come in today I'll have to tell him, I lost my pants and my underwear froze…. What makes it worse is I had my wallet in my back pocket.
[He slaps his hand to back pocket & presses. A look of guilt and embarrassment creeps across his countenance.]
Alice
What's the matter, Ralph?
[Ralph continues with hands dangling and look of embarrassment.]
Ralph
I guess I did have a beer too many last night.
Alice
What do you mean?
Ralph
When I went to bed last night, I put my pajamas over my pants.
Alice
I'm glad you found em. You were about ready to turn me over to the police.
[Alice sits down on chair. Music sneaks in as Ralph slips out of pajama bottoms.]
Ralph
Gee, Alice I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blamed you for something that was my own fault. I lost a day's pay and with Christmas coming we can sure use the money… I'll make it up, Alice, I'll work a double shift to-morrow.
(Frank’s Note: Couldn't Ralph immediately get Norton to not call his boss? That way, Ralph might go to work.)
Alice
Sit down and I'll fix you some breakfast.
Ralph
Gee, baby, you're the greatest.
[Blackout]
Credit I think goes to (the original) Bill's 'Mooners Archives, eBay.com, tv.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes Book, tvguide.com, Honeymooners Lost Episodes DVD booklet, Wikipedia.org, Yahoo Groups You're A Riot! & Amazon.com.