Norton:
Well anyway, I gotta tell ya I had this headache, I couldn't get rid of it, see, so I went to the Navy doctor. So he examines me and says I have pressure on the brain, he should remove it. So well, I took a lot of kidding from the boys on the ship, you know, 'cause afterwards they said, "What did he do, remove the pressure or the brain?"

Ralph:
Don't ask me, 'cause I know what he removed!

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the
car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The men are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why did you raise everybody and then say: 'I'm out.'"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

Ralph:
It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the treasurer, Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury, you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. Do you know what that means?

Alice:
Yeah. Real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up a hundred percent.

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Do you have any nicknames that you like to call your husband?"

Alice: "Oh, I got several I love to call him."

Rita: "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits."

Alice: "Oh, I see." (to Ralph): "Isn't that a good idea Tubby?"

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Someone thought about putting a plaque on Ralph's bus saying: 'You are on the bus of the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. Ed, you can tell me. Who thought of that idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of a toothache is mental. 50% of the pain of that toothache is here (the mouth). The other 50% is in here (the head.)

Ralph: "For you information, 100% of it is here (the mouth.) There is nothing up there (the head.)"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for apaper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "Did you know Mr. Kramden when he was a football player?"

Ed: "No Tommy. I was away at Prep School at the time."

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph & Ed are at the poolroom.)

Ralph: "I have just sunk in eighteen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't want to hear a sound from you."

Ed (accidently causing Ralph to miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Alice, Trixie and Ed offer to fight Ralph after Ralph said that he wants to fight Ed for the TV set.)

Ralph: "This fight is unfair."

Ed: "I know you got us outweighed, but we will fight you anyway."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Thelma, I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(Ralph is about to give the Raccoon Treasury report.)

Ralph: "I can't find the report."

Ed: "Maybe you ate it."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "You are so funny Alice that I am going to put you in my act. I am going to name it 'Punch & Judy' and you are going to be Judy."

Alice: "And you are going to be Punchy."

Ed: "Punchy. Ha ha ha."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Ralph?"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Alice's Mom: "Alice had plenty of boyfriends. Why Eddie Townscend..."

Ralph: "Eddie Townscend? Eddie Townscend? Are you kidding me? He was a big, fat tub of lard."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something more valuable than all of that put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."

"Dinner Guest":

(Freddie Muller, Ralph's boss, is visiting along with his wife.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Why did you have to tell that joke? I must have a million better jokes. I don't even know where I got that joke."

Freddie Muller: "I told you that joke the other day."

"Norton Moves In":

Ed (coming in with a folding cot): "Hello folks! I hope we didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't disturb my sleep. I always get up at 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway on the way to work."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, how could I lose a couple of inches in height in a few hours?"

Ed: "Maybe all that food you ate made you shorter in height."

"People's Choice" (Color version):

Ralph: "What am I supposed to say?"

Policeman: "'Knuckles, it's you.'"

(The policeman hides out in the bedroom.)

(Knuckles enters through the front door. Ralph greets him.)

Ralph: "Na na na na. Na na na na."

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Knuckles, it's you."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Alice: "You seem to have forgotten that I am a woman."

Ralph: "I forgot that you are a woman? How could I? You are always yappin'."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Ralph?"

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "Mind if I smoke?"

Ralph: "I don't care if you burn."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "Are you sure that that suitcase can hold $40,000,000. Why don't you cut pieces of paper into the shape of dollars bills and find out?"

(Ed opens up his case to reveal that he did just that.)

Ed: "Small details."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I'm making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah. about 300 lbs. of it."

"Finders Keepers":

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty around here is your head."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ed: "A doctor told me that I had a split-personality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton, the gay-carefree-man-about-town and the other Ed Norton was the sober serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "Oh, I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton, the sober, serious-minded thinker."

"A Little Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Big news. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have been a jockey, but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse Ralph."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph is sparing with Ed.)

Ed: "Cover your face. Cover your face. Cover your face."

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph
(yells): "ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!...WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE?"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Is that you Mr. Johnson?"

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "YES IT IS MR. KRAMDEN AND I HAVE THE SHERRIFF WITH ME. OPEN UP!"

Ralph: "Are you crazy? If I open the door, you will slap me with a rent increase. Ha ha. I am not opening up."

Mr. Johnson (from outside, yells): "STAY IN THERE. BUT THE SHERRIFF IS POSTING ONE OF HIS MEN IN THIS HALLWAY AND THE MINUTE YOU OPEN THAT DOOR, HE WILL SLAP YOU WITH AN EVICTION NOTICE AND DON'T TRY TO GO OUT THE FIRE ESCAPE. HE WILL HAVE A MAN OUT THERE TOO."

(Ralph looks scared.)

Ralph (to Alice): "Just what I told you. He is scared to death."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Ralph Kramden?"

Ed: "I am as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win the contest, I am going to get myself a leather lumbar jacket, a pair of bowling shoes and before I am finished, you will get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

(They are inside Uncle Howard's mansion.)

(Howard picking up a vase):

Howard: "They think that one day, all of this will be there's."

Ed: "Howard, quick fooling around with Ralph's vase."

"The Sun & Raccoon Capital":

(Ralph brings out his Raccoon pants that are now so big that they don't fit him.)

Ralph: "If I go out in these, I will be a laughing stock."

Ed: "If you don't, you will get a few laughs too."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ed: "With all the noise, you woke me up from a sound sleep."

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "I woke him out of a sound sleep? I woke him out of a sound sleep?" (stepping on the thumbtacks that he dropped, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Catch A Star":

Ralph: "Now what we have to do is wait for Mr. Gleason to show up."

Ed: "That could be kind of tough. With the way that he's built, it's hard to tell if he's coming or going."

"Hero Part 1":

Tommy: "He (Mr. Kramden) was a a great end in football."

Ed: "Great? Probably the biggest end in the business."

“Ed Norton: Hey, Ralph, what's the normal temperature, around 98, ain't it?

Ralph Kramden: 98.6.

Ed Norton: What would you say a bad temperature is?

Ralph Kramden: Hundred and two, 103. What is it, Norton? What is my temperature?

[Norton becomes shocked as he examines the thermometer; Ralph gets impatient]

Ralph Kramden: WHAT'S MY TEMPERATURE, NORTON?

Ed Norton: [crying out] A HUNDRED AND ELEVEN!

Ralph Kramden: A hundred and eleven?

Ed Norton: Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life!”

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "She thinks that the wallpaper is rotten, I think that it is pretty. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice: "Ralph, I told you that I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "Okay, you are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Hero Part 2":

Alice: "I would like to get my sleep. I don't want to hear a peep out of that horn."

(Alice goes into the bedroom.)

Ralph (to Ed): "Get a load of this."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom door and makes noise on the bugle so loud that it hurts his ears.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Hero Part 1":

Teacher: "I had two Ed Nortons in my class. One was smart."

Ralph: "This is the other Norton."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now to go to sleep?"

Ralph: "You're right. I'm sorry that I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph kisses Alice. Ralph goes into the bedroom when he hears the alarm clock ringing five o' clock. That means that it's time for him to go to work.)

(Ralph has a very weird look on his face.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK! IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK!"

"TV or Not TV":

Ed: "Me and Ralph tossed a coin to see who would get the TV set. He said: 'Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.' It was tails, so I lost."

Ralph (to Alice): "Don't look at me like that. I learned that trick from you. That's how we got married."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set with the ticket that Ralph bought for him. Ralph is jealous.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Tell them Alice, do I wear a girdle?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "There you are."

Alice: "He wanted one but they don't make them that big."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pisces The Fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio The Nut."

"Life Upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph gets introduced to Happy the puupy dog who is big and around Ralph, he gets vicious.)

Alice: "That's Happy."

Ralph: "He doesn't look happy to me."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous, that I couldn't answer the first question."

Ralph: "What question was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Head of The House":

Ed: "In my household, I am the boss of the household."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmm."

Ed: "I think that any man that is afraid of his wife, isn't a man."

Interviewer: "Mmm-hmmm."

Ed: "And I can't stree this too strongly that a husband is the boss."

Interviewer: "Yes?"

Ed: "Now don't quote me because if my wife reads that, she will kill me."

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "Men are responsible for the shape the world is in."

Alice: "Well, I am glad to hear one of you finally admit it."

"Ralph's Diet":

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What do you do for a living?"

Ralph: "I brive a dus."

Herb: "You brive a dus?"

Ralph: "A dus I brive."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(The makeup lady put lipstick on Ralph's lips.)

Makeup Lady: "Go like this."

(She makes kissing noises with her lips. So does Ralph.)

Ed: "Don't just sit there Ralph. Kiss me."

“Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.”

— Ralph Kramden

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "My mother had been yelling out the window for 80 years."

Alice: "Yeah and when she lost her voice, more people listened to her than Amos & Andy."

"The Babysitter":

(Ralph thinks that Alice is seeing another man behind his back. He wants to find out.)

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed eats Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I sure wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that is starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces, the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio, the nut."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I'm Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"New Manager":

Alice: "Why would Ralph run away?"

Ed: "He's married, ain't he?"

"What's The Name":

Ralph: "Every time there was a love scene in the movie, Ed had to kiss Trixie."

Alice: "What's wrong with that? I think that that is very romantic."

Ralph: "Romantic, huh? I was sitting between them."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I thought I could chop off a few bucks off the $989."

Mr. Mosby: "$989? This cottage costs $2,000."

Ed: "Ralph, you got a load of chopping to do."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

(Ralph & Ed are fighting. They hate each other.)

Ralph: "I got a million friends. I must have 50 at the bus depot. 50 down at the bowling alley. 50 down at the lodge. There's 100 right there."

Alice: "If you got so many friends Ralph, how come they never invite you anywhere?"

Ralph: "Because I am always with Norton and they don't like him either."

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants
to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit":

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Norton Moves In":

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewerworkers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ralph & Ed went to see Mr. Worthington Kenmore. Ed disguised himself to look 18. Later on, Worthington Kenmore visited the Kramdens.)

Trixie: "I'm Treeny's high school sweetheart."

Worthington Kenmore (looking at her): "You're kidding."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph sneeking into their apartment.)

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"The Sleepwalker":

(Ed has been annoying Ralph while Ralph is trying to get some sleep.)

Ed: "Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumpquat?"

Ralph (rolling over in bed, yells): "WILL YOU GET TO BED?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(We learn that Ed took the bag of groceries for his lunch.)

Ed: "I have one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is letting astrology run his life.)

Ralph: "There is nothing I can do about it. It is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Move Uptown":

(The Kramdens and Trixie are outside.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We have to load the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bong! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with pots and pans tied around him.)

Ralph: "Why do you have to make so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains people have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dressed like a young woman.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph? I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

Alice: "Yeah? You should know."

"Ralph's Gone Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How am I supposed to waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I use this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It's one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showin', not blowin'."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on all the people dropping water bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me, I just threw mine out of the window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"Cupid Part 1":

Ralph (to Herman): "You are easy going. You are considerate. Now what woman would want that?"

Ed: "How about Alice?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "I see that you are dressed for the fishing vaction."

Ed: "No, I just got through working in the sewer."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "Don't go."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "We don't have to fix this hotel until the highway is built.

Trixie: "I think it would be easier if we built the highway and the other people who were going to build the highway to cleanup the hotel."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ed is getting a suntan. He wraps foli around his neck.)

Ralph: "What is the foil for?"

Ed: "To prevent the soot from the chimney from getting on my vest.

Ralph: "It would be a shame to get that vest dirty after working in the sewer all day."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

George: "Gee fellas, we were already to play. Me and Harvey just went to get a cold drink."

Ralph: "Well, I hope it was pretty cold and I hope it was milk."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Mr. Mosby: "I am going to do for you what I did for my mom when she wanted a cottage."

Ed: "You are going to buy one for us?"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ed: "The door is busted."

Alice: "Ed, don't be ridiculous. This is a dutch door."

Ed: "Boy those dutch people must be very short."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Love Letter":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Operation: Protest":

(Cliff just cost Ralph his job. Ralph confronts Cliff.)

Cliff (showing the peace symbol with his hand): "Peace!"

Ralph (grabbing the other finger): "Alice, grab the other finger and make a wish."

All Classic 39 quotes from "Brother Ralph":

#1

Ed: "Hey Ralphie boy. Put it there. Congratulations there." (shaking Ralph's hand): "Alice just told me the good news there about the suggestion you made down at the company. That was a pretty smart idea of yours, bringing in a traffic expert. Ha ha ha. They didn't need an expert. I could tell what the trouble was. Too many buses on Madison Avenue, that's all. That traffic expert will take some of the buses off the line and lay off some of the drivers. Of course, it will be rough on the bus drivers that are being laid off. But, at a time like this, you got to think of yourself. Think how much better of you and the bus drivers that are working." (slapping Ralph's shoulder): "What's the good word buddy boy?"

Ralph: "I was the first to go."

#2

Alice: "Ralph, you mean that you were fired?"

Ralph: "Oh, I wasn't fired. I was just temporairily laid off along with nine other dirvers. How about that? How could they do that to me? A guy that has worked and slaved for them for 15 years? 15 years, driving a bus. Aggravations 101 - Aggravations every day. In the summertime, dying from the heat. In the winter time, freezing from the cold. Through the hail, the snow and the sleet. Do you know the sign in the Post Office that says: `The mail goes through no matter what the weather is.'? Do you know why they do that? Because the mailman rides with me."

#3

Ralph: "What do I have to smile about?"

Ed: "That's the point. Now, more than ever you got to keep your spirits up. Sure, it's easy to smile when things are going good. But, smiling at a time like this is more of a challenge. Come on Ralphie, let me see you smile there. Show me those ivories. Give me the Liberance."

(Ralph smiles.)

Ed: "That's it. Beautiful. Beautiful. Just stay like that. Think of happy times. Think of yesterday when your boss said to you that he was going to use your suggestion of hiring a traffic expert on Madison Ave."

(Ralph stops smiling.)

Ed: "You should be proud Ralphie boy. No one else thought of that. You had that idea stored in your brain. Smile Smile…"

Ralph (yells): "Get out!"

All Lost Episode Quotes from "Letter To The Boss":

#1

Ralph: "A guy from the supply room comes out and says: 'Kramden, turn in your uniform. You are not driving a bus for us anymore.'"

Alice: "I can't believe it."

Ralph: "You can't believe it. I can't believe it. Nine years working for them and this is the thanks I get. Getting up every morning at 5am. Working three Sundays out of four. No holidays. All kinds of weather. Blizzards. Heat spells. Hail storms." Taking all kinds of abuse. Old women yelling at me. Drunks trying to get on without paying their fare. Cab drivers cutting me off. And when another bus driver got sick, I had to work double time…" (slapping his hand on the table): "…and this is the thanks I get."

Alice: "Ralph, don't worry. You'll get another job."

Ralph: "Sure they are but not a job as good as this one."

#2

Alice: "There are plenty of other jobs."

Ralph: "Plenty of jobs, huh? Plenty of jobs, huh?"

(Ralph gets a newspaper.)

Ralph: "I'll show you how many jobs there are." (reading the ads): "'Drill press operator. $70 a week. Learn while you earn.'" (not reading): "Here's another one." (reading): "'Tool and dye worker. Good opportunity for the right party."

Alice: "What's wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing, except they are all listed under: 'Help Wanted-Women!'."

#3

Ralph: "When I married you I told you were never going to work another day in your life."

Alice: "Honey, it won't be long."

Ralph: "I don't care how long it is Alice. I got my pride. Before I see you go to work, I rather see you starve."

All Color Episode Quotes are from "To Whomever It May Concern":

#1

(Ralph is making Ed write a letter to Mr. Marshall.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. 'Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'... You dirty bum!'"

#2

(Ralph just said a lot of nasty remarks that he wants in his letter that Ed is writing to Mr. Marshall, Ralph's boss. Ralph is mad because he thought that Mr. Marshall fired him.)

Ralph: "I don't know what else to say."

Ed: "Maybe it's a good time for you to say that you want your job back."

#3

Ed: "I put SWAK on the back of the letter."

Ralph: "You wrote: 'Sealed With A Kiss' on the back of my letter?"

Ed: "Of course not. I put down 'Sewer Workers Are Kings.'"

Happy Labor Day!

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Letter To The Boss":

Ed: "I can get you a job with me down the sewer. All you have to do is pass the test."

Ralph: "What test is that?"

Ed: "Can you float?"

"Move Uptown":

Ralph: "Where's Norton? We have to unload the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bang! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with a lot of pots and pans attached on him.)

Ralph: "What's the matter with you?"

Ed: "Shhh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, I didn't. Luckily, the pots and pans broke my fall."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that after listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is casuing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Alice has cooked up a nice candlelight romantic dinner for Ralph. The lights are turned off. Ralph comes in.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "So, you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit" (Color):

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

Ralph Kramden:
I asked you if you had any leftovers for last night's supper.

Alice Kramden:
Ralph, we're eating at my mother's.

Ralph Kramden:
I told you, I am not going to your mother's, I'm too tired, and I gotta get to bed early.

Alice Kramden:
You'll still get to bed early. We'll go to mother's, eat supper, and come right home.

Ralph Kramden:
Now, you know I'm not that kind of a man. I'm not the kind that eats and runs.

Alice Kramden:
Eats and runs? The way you eat, you're lucky you can walk!

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, if I wasn't tired, would you get yours!

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, did your first day really go well?"

Ed: "It was a dark, dark day."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you can write music, you can write any kind of music."

Ed: "Oh yeah?"

Ralph: "Yeah."

Ed: "Name me one Rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Battle of The Sexes":

(Ed & Ralph have been having Franks and beans for three days.)

Ralph: "I would like to have a decent meal too."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"Without Reservations":

Stanley: "You know that this is the first time in a long time that I have been here for one of your meals?"

Ralph: "You act like you haven't eaten since."

"Without Reservations":

Stanley: "Ralph, tell me. Are there any more openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stanley: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How am I supposed to waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Cupid Part 1":

Ralph (to Herman): "You are easy going. You are considerate. Now what woman would want that?"

Ed: "How about Alice?"
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"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, did your first day really go well?"

Ed: "It was a dark, dark day."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "If you can write music, you can write any kind of music."

Ed: "Oh yeah?"

Ralph: "Yeah."

Ed: "Name me one Rhumba that Beethoven wrote."

"Battle of The Sexes":

(Ed & Ralph have been having Franks and beans for three days.)

Ralph: "I would like to have a decent meal too."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"Without Reservations":

Stanley: "You know that this is the first time in a long time that I have been here for one of your meals?"

Ralph: "You act like you haven't eaten since."

"Without Reservations":

Stanley: "Ralph, tell me. Are there any more openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stanley: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How am I supposed to waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Cupid Part 1":

Ralph (to Herman): "You are easy going. You are considerate. Now what woman would want that?"

Ed: "How about Alice?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up a burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that is my idea of a burn."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at watch.)

Ed: "He ought to be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Great Jewel Robbery":

Ralph: "In the race to get ahead, I am way out in front."

Ed: "Yes, you certainly are way out in front."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are in the automat across the street from the Cornelius Vanderbilt Statue.)

Ralph (reading the clues): "'Cornelius will be watching you...'"

Ed: "Wait a minute."

(Ed walks away, goes through the revolving door, and then he comes back.)

Ralph: "Now, what did you just do?"

Ed: "Okay, Corny is watching us."

"King Of The Castle":

Alice: "I thought you were leaving forever."

Ralph: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "At least my relatives don't come by unexpected."

Alice: "No, they come as steady as clockwork. Three times a week."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Trixie: "I don't know how Ed can become unconscious so fast."

Ralph: "He has got a pretty good head start."

"Cottage For Sale Part 2":

Trixie: "Any mistake Ed has made, Ralph ahs talked him into."

Ralph: "I didn't talk him into marrying you, did I?"

"King of The Castle":

(Ralph explains to Ed that one time Alice wanted him to come home, but Ralph didn't.)

Ralph: "I showed her whose boss."

Ed: "What happened when you came home?"

Ralph: "Never mind about that."

"King of The Castle":

Ed: "You should write in the paper :'I Ralph Kramden, do not assume the debts of Alice Kramden.'"

Ralph: "It won't work. I tried that the day after we were married. "

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "I don't mind if Stanley eats like a garbage disposal, I just don't want him to sound like one."

Alice: "He has false teeth."

Ralph: "I know why. He wore out his real ones eating."

"Expectant Dad":

Ed: "When my son graduates from college and is ready to face the world, I will get him a job with me in the sewer."

Ralph: "When your son graduates from college, you are going to get him a job in the sewer?"

Ed: "Well certainly. The sewer accepts college grads."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "You haven't touched this cornette in years."

Ralph: "I want to keep it."

Ed: "He has a point Alice. He hasn't seen his toes in years and he still wants to keep them."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph (sarcastically): "I hope you realize that water always recedes it's level."

Ed: "Yeah, we heard rumors to that effect down in the sewer."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashamed of yourself."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "She thinks that the wallpaper is rotten, I think that it is pretty. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"A Matter of Record":

Alice: "Ralph, I told you that I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "Okay, you are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vacuum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Two Men On A Horse":

Ralph: "Good thing that I have a brain to figure these things out for us."

Ed: "You sure do Ralph. You can think of smart things to get yourself out of the dumb things that you get yourself into."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed wanted to get Jim McKeever red suspenders, but I thought a ring would be better."

Ed: "All I konw is Jim has a weakness for red suspenders."

Alice: "She's right Ed. A man would rather have a ring then suspenders."

Ed: "Not if his pants keep falling down."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that after listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Boys & Girls Together":

(Alice has cooked up a nice candlelight romantic dinner for Ralph. The lights are turned off. Ralph comes in.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "So, you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "I thought you were leaving forever."

Ralph: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Before I started eating delicious Flakey Wakey, I weighed 250 pounds. I now weigh..."

Ed: "260 pounds."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector?"

Ed: "No. I washed out."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "A man works from sun-to-sun, but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "She thinks that the wallpaper is rotten, I think that it is pretty. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ed hands a man a hot dog to eat.)

Ralph: "By the way I look, you wouldn't know that I was driving a bus yesterday."

Man: "Oh?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer."

(The man stops himself from eating.)

Man: "Funny. I'm not hungry anymore."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

"The Deciding Vote":

(Ralph turns on the vaccum cleaner. It doesn't work.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop or erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once where they said 50% of the pain is mental. 50% of that toothache is here (in the mouth). The other 50% is here (head)."

Ralph: "For your information, 100% of it is in here (mouth). There is nothing up there (head)."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah, about 300 lbs. of it."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Peacemaker":

Ralph: "You know that when I lay down on that bed, it takes me an hour to get to sleep."

Alice: "Remarkable. Every night for fifty-nine minutes, you snore before you go to sleep."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed comes out with a sailboat. Ralph wants to take a bath.)

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you were in there playing with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on the Shakedown Cruise!"

"Boy Next Door":

(Ralph and Mrs. Paterson think that Ed loves Alice but the feeling isn't matual.)

Mrs. Paterson: "Why don't you give your wife the benefit of a doubt?"

Ralph: "All right, maybe they don't love each other but if they do, they are going to have a lot of fun on the moon."

"Ship Of Fools":

(The photographer feels Alice's leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "All he wants is a little chesse cake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli then?"

"Unconventional Behavior":

Ed: "Remember last year at the convention when the cops were cracking down on the people who were dropping bags out of the hotel window? That didn't bother me. I just went 1...2...3 and I threw them out."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build, I would say you have very well-developed muscles. Got good bone structure. Very good bone structure. Fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo."

"Checkup":

Ed: "Has there been anything you wanted to look inside that didn't belong to you?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your head."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Get in that kitchen and start cleaning up."

Alice: "Only if I use you for a mop."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "This (Ed) is my guest and I'm your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer. The SIMP and the BLIMP."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set on the movie ticket that Ralph got.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ed: "Nobody is going to put you in a straightjacket."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Ed: "Where are they going to find one big enough?"

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "How could you be so stupid Norton? Why would you want to go? You know the ending as well as I do."

Ed: "You call me stupid? You call me stupid? It just so happens that it makes no difference to me what the ending of the play is. I will just wait until it gets real close to the end of the show and I will get up and walk out."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph brings out a small fish.)

Alice: "This was the big fish that you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "It's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference in my life. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your mouth, we don't need one."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

G.F.: "I am going to put you in a state of hypnosis."

Ed: "Promise you won't hurt me?"

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains men have, the less hair they got."

(Alice puts her fingers in Ralph's hair.)

Alice: "I rest my case."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

Alice:
What am I supposed to tell my mother when you're not here?

Ralph:
I don't care. Tell her I ran off and joined the circus.

Alice:
What as, an elephant?

Ralph:
Oh, you're a riot, Alice. You are a regular riot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I'll bet you got the whole building laughing. Ha, ha, ho, ho! You certainly are funny, Alice. You know, you're the one who oughta join a circus. You oughta be in the circus. You'd be funnier than that guy they got there now, Emmett Kelly, the clown. Much funnier. In fact, you look a little bit like him. All except for one thing: the big red nose.

[He raises his fist at Alice]

Ralph:
And you might get that before this is over!

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Little Man: "My pal Harvey is bigger than me."

Ralph: "I got a friend Shirley who is bigger than you."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

"Brother-In-Law":

Stan: "Are there any openings at the bus depot?"

Ralph: "No."

Stan: "Then how do you get in the building?"

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be out getting repaired."

"Boys & Girls Together":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room so unless you have a torn ligament or something, you'll do it."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ed & Ralph are handcuffed on a train. Ed tried saying "Boomph" to get out, like he was instructed but it doesn't work.)

Ralph: "I have had enough of the boomphing. Get the key out and open them up."

Ed: "There ain't no key. You got to boomph your way out."

Ralph (yells): "I AM GOING TO BOOMPH YOU OUT OF THE WHOLE CAR."

"King of The Castle":

(Ed shows his bandage on his head to Ralph.)

Ralph: "What happened to you?"

Ed: "When I said to Trixie that I am the King of The Castle, Trixie crowned me."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Talk is cheap."

Alice: "It must be or you would have never opened your mouth."

Alice:
[looking at a ring Norton has] Hey, that's a very handsome ring. Who's it for?

Ed Norton:
Jim McKeever. He gave me my start in the sewers. My first push, so to speak. We recently appointed him foreman, so I thought it'd be nice to give him a little something.

Trixie Norton:
Ed was all for buying him a pair of suspenders, but I thought a ring would be more suitable for the occasion.

Ed Norton:
Well, I happen to know that Jim McKeever has a weakness for red suspenders.

Alice:
Oh, well, I think Trixie's right, Ed. A man would rather have a ring than suspenders.

Ed Norton:
Not if his pants are always falling down.

"Follow The Boys":

(Ed just offered Ralph an idea to get away from the girls later on that night.)

Ralph: "That is the stupidest idea I ever heard."

Ed: "That is not as stupid as mailing a letter without no postage just because nobody is looking."

Ralph: "When did I do that?"

Ed: "You didn't. I did and at the time, you said that that was the stupidest thing that you ever heard."

Ralph: "Well, it was."

Ed: "So, don't pick on this idea then."

"Hair To A Fortune":

(Ed is gving the bottles to Ralph and saying what each and every bottle has. He picks up one of the bottles.)

Ed: "This is a tough one. 'Oliveoil.'"

(Ralph picks up the bottle and looks at the label.)

Ralph: "'Oliveoil?'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He is at his job.)

Ed: "I am walking around in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out! There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Funny Money":

(Ralph said to Alice that all the bad things that had happened were nothing.)

Alice: "What about quitting your job Ralph or was that nothing?"

Ralph: "I forgot about that."

Alice: "I guess you forgot that all this expensive stuff that you bought has to go back too. Every bit of it except for your suits Ralph. The tailor can't take those back. He doesn't know of any ELEPHANTS that need a new wardrobe."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph coming home late.)

Alice: "Do you know what time it is Ralph?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, it's three hours after 11."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "Your mother is a blabbermouth. A blabbermouth."

Alice: "Ralph, I told you I don't want you calling her that."

Ralph: "All right. You are an expert on crossword puzzles. Give me another word for 'blabbermouth.'"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, look me all over. Now describe my build to me."

Ed: "Well, if I were to describe your build I would say you have well-developed muscles, good bone structure, very good bone structure, fine frame...and the whole thing is covered with fat."

"Cupid Part 1":

Herman: "I still have our class picture Ralph. You were in the first row."

Ed: "In the first row, he must have BEEN the first row."

"Cupid Part 2":

(Ralph thinks that Alice has left him.)

Ralph: "Everything in here reminds me of her. The potatos she peels, the frigidare she fixes, the floor she scrubs, the dishes she washes.
Norton, why did she leave me?"

Ed: "You just gave four very good reasons."

Alice:
[to Ralph] Let's say you know all there is to know about popular songs. There's just one thing that you're overlooking, Ralph: You're going on a television show, a big television show. Millions of people are gonna be looking at you, and big money at stake. Why, you're liable to get nervous and forget what you do know. Any person can do that.

Ralph:
Are you kidding? I'm at my best when I'm under pressure.

Alice:
Oh, that's right, I forgot. You're always calm. You have to be, in the kind of work you do. You're a man who "brives a dus".

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You once said: 'Ralph, I would be happy to live in a tent with you.'"

Alice: "I am still willing. I think it would be an improvement."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Do you care if I waste away?"

Alice: "Sure I do Ralph. But, you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph has a towel wrapped around his head.)

Ralph: "I got a toothache. Why do you think I have this thing on for?"

Ed: "I thought you were going to be a bunny rabbit on that TV commercial."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Ralph: "You are an idiot."

Ed: "Maybe I am an idiot, but I don't have a doorknob hanging out of my mouth."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Do you have anybody to call to tell them that you are going to be late for work?"

Ed: "Who am I going to call? Who am I going to call? If I am going to be late, I would write a note down and drop it in the nearest manhole."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "Suppose I don't get Jackie Gleason. Suppose I get someone just as exciting."

Ed: "Don't worry Ralph. If you don't get Jackie Gleason, there will be an event just as exciting. The Hanging of Ralph Kramden."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

(Ralph is having trouble sleeping during the daytime due to him working the night shift.)

Ralph: "Freddie Muller is keeping me on the night shift. That bum. Well, he won't be able to get away with it. Wait until I get my hands on him."

Ed: "Calm down before you do anything rash. Maybe you better sleep on it first."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed took all of the waffles that were on the table.)

Ralph: "Can I have some waffles?"

Alice: "Don't tell me that you ate those already."

Ralph: "I didn't touch them. Henry VIII (Ed) got them ahead of me."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "How will they know that I am a Hurricane without the jacket?"

Alice: "Just open your mouth."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "I couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Operation: Protset":

(Clifford makes the peace sign to Ralph.)

Cliff: "Peace."

Ralph (grabbing one of the fingers): "Alice, grab the other one and make a wish."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "This picture must be 15 years old."

Ralph: "Yeah. I seem to remember that dress."

Alice: "You should. I wore it yesterday."

"Happiness Is A Rich Uncle":

Alice: "You are going to say: `Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts.'"

Ralph: "Don't worry."

(The butler comes in and Ralph thinks it is Uncle Howard.)

Ralph: "Uncle Howard: My favorite uncle. Alice & I think about you all the time. You are always in our hearts."

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that Alice is pregnant because she went to an obstertrician.)

Ralph: "Trixie is taking Alice to an obstertrician."

Ed: "Good because it's time that Alice got that bunion removed from her foot."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "What is your nickname?"

Ed: "I rather not say."

Ralph: "Come on. Go ahead and tell us."

Ed: "Ethelburt."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus the Bull, I have become a
new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color version):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a
financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last custumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last custumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Something's Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph (yells): "YOU ARE NOT GOING!"

Alice (yells): "I AM GOING!"

Ralph: "The only place that you are going to is the moon."

"Move Uptown":

Mrs. Winters: "Do you and your wife have any wild parties?"

Ralph: "No."

Ed: "He hasn't even taken his wife out in the last five years."

"The Adoption" & "Expectant Dad":

Ralph: "I was named after my dad. Nothing wrong with that. They used to call us 'Big' Ralph & 'Little' Ralph."

Ed: "Who was your dad, 'Little' Ralph?"

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ed: "I have a well-thought plan to eliminate the deficit. Secretary, would you please strike this down in the record? As we all know, the club dues are $2 a month and even with that the Raccons haven't been paying their dues. I see no reason why we can't shrink the dues down to a $1 a month. Even then, if the member's don't pay their dues, it will be cutting the deficit in half."

Ralph: "Would you mind repeating that?"

Ed: "I said the club dues are $2 a month. If we shrink the dues down to a dollar a month...Secretary, would please erase this from the record?"

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Ed puts a beauty mark on Ralph's left cheek after the makeup put some makeup on Ralph's eyes and lipstick.)

Ralph: "What did you just do?"

Ed: "I put a beauty mark on your left cheek."

Ralph: "Why did you do that?"

Ed: "Without it, you look exactly like Barbara Streisand."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

Ed: "Mike Douglas was down the sewer one time to present the USO Award."

Ralph: "USO Award?"

Ed: "Yeah United Sewerworkers Of."

Ralph: "Of what?"

Ed: "We don't know yet. No one will take us."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

(After Ralph threatens that him and Ed are going to jump out the hotel window if the wives don't give them the money, Ed accidentally falls out.)

Ed: "I forgot. We are on the ground floor."

Ralph: "You don't know how to fall correctly."

Ed: "I would if we were on the 15th floor."

[Alice sees Ralph and Norton in the room, preventing her from using the phone; she leaves the room]

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] What was that?

Ralph:
I'll tell you what that is: she wanted to find out if I'm still here. She can't wait to get on that phone and start gabbing with everybody.

Ed Norton:
Of course she won't get on the phone. Don't be silly. She's gonna run up a big bill when you go away or something?

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Alice: "You and Norton will have to sleep out in the kitchen."

Ralph: "Just a moment. Whenever you mother or your Aunt Ethel comes, I have to sleep in the kitchen. It's a good thing that we don't have a cat because if he ever wanted to sleep in the kitchen, I would have to sleep in a box out in the hall."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "My mother was offered to appear in silent pictures but she turned it down so she can have a family."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why your mother was not in silent pictures was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Ralph's Diet":

Alice: "You had enough food for you to last five days."

Ralph: "Is that so? Well, I want to live for at least six or seven days."

"Alice Plays Cupid":

Alice: "Who are you to talk about looks? You are no Humphrey Bogart."

Ralph: "No, but Henrietta is."

"Stand-In For Murder":

Ralph: "Some day, someone will discover you."

Ed: "Not unless he falls down an open manhole."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

Ed: "Boy, it's going to be a great fight and I have some news for you. Word came from the candy store a little while ago about your fight and they knocked the odds down to 500 to 1."

Ralph: "You mean that they are betting 500 to 1 that I lose."

Ed: "No. They are betting 500 to 1 that you don't even show up."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "You are taking this set over my dead body."

Ed: "i couldn't do that. What do you think I am, a mountain climber?"

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "How could I waddle like a duck?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"King of The Castle":

(Alice & Trixie are in Trixie's apartment. From the hallway, Ralph is moaning. Ralph is trying to play the sympathy routine. Alice is on to it.)

Alice: "If I don't pay attention, the moan is going to come in spurts like this: 'Whoooa-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho!"

Ralph (from hallway, moans loudly): "WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO! WHOOOA-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

Norton:
Well, Ralph, looks like you started the wrong rumor.

Ralph:
What are you talkin' about?

Norton:
First, you should've started the rumor that Mr. Harper knows you're alive.

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed want to get the money so they can buy Bartfled's Candy Store. Alice & Trixie won't give them the money.)

Ed: "Our money is in a joint account."

Ralph: "So what? That money is yours just as it is hers."

Ed: "There's a slight technicality there. Our joint account is in the name of Trixie and her mother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Thank you very much for having my underwear outside all night. Now it's frozen stiff."

Alice: "I'm sorry."

Ralph: "Don't apologize. Just give me an ice pick and I will get dressed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow, there's a big sale on men's shorts. .89 cents a pair! Norton could sure use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph, what sizes have they got?"

Trixie: "All sizes: 32 to 50."

Alice: "Nope, nothing there for Ralph!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't empty out your garbage because it is part of my efficency system. Your garbage can was half full. When it's full-full, then I will empty it. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here, save a trip there and it all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Just get me water. I know how to wash."

"Head of The House":

(Ralph just told the newspaper's questioning photographer to print him saying that the husband is the boss of the house.)

Ralph: "I'm a horse. You are a mouse."

Ed: "Let me say this. I rather be a live mouse then a dead horse."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker. One of the boys, Sullivan left and is waiting for a bus.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE."

Ralph: "That's that crab Garrity from upstairs."

(Ralph goes to the window, opens it up and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SLEEP? THIS IS AMERICA. A FREE COUNTRY."

(Ralph puts his head back in the place.)

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN! HEY KRAMDEN!"

(Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

(Garrity douses Ralph with water. Everyone in the room laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP TOO DOWN THERE."

Ed: "Who are you yelling at now Ralph?"

Ralph: "Sullivan. He's waiting for the bus."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(Ralph is playing poker with his friends.)

Ralph: "We said that we were going to quit at 12 and it's 2am already."

Man: "Why didn't we quit at 12?"

Ed: "Ralph was losing then."

"Ralph's Diet":

(Ralph gets on the scale.)

Ralph: "I don't need to diet anymore. I lost a pound."

Alice: "Ralph, when you lose a pound, it's like Bayoone losing a mosquito."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the faimly with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice wants to buy new furniture.)

Ralph: "Furniture? Furniture? We got furniture."

Alice: "Sure we got furniture. But just because you are a Raccoon doesn't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(Ralph is thinking that Alice is seeing a boy named Harry Vederchi because he heard her on the phone talking to him and he thinks that is his name when she said 'Arribaderchi.' Ralph tells her what is wrong with him. What does he say?)

Ralph: "All right. Harry Vederchi."

Alice: "All right, good-bye."

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph tries to get Art Carney's autograph for Alice.)

Art: "What's the name?"

Ralph: "My name is Ralph Kramden, but she knows that."

"Stand-In For Murder Part 1":

(Alice is mixing plaster in a bowl. She tunrs on the radio and "In The Mood" plays. Ed Norton comes in and dances to the music with the bowl in his hands. Alice is amused.)

Alice: "Stop that Ed. You are getting plaster all over the floor."

(Alice turns off the radio.)

Ed: "I got an idea. Why don't the four of us all go out dancing one night."

Alice: "Ralph hates dancing."

Ed: "Forget about him. Just bring the bowl."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "Wait a minute. I think I know why this dresser is so heavy. The drawers are probably loaded with junk. Why don't we take them out?"

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes out the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed is hypnotized. He sees Ralph.)

Ed: "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

Ralph: "If he wasn't under a spell, I would fracture his skull."

"Manager of The Baseball Team":

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Trixie: "Ed, that's very encouraging that you sold to your last costumer. Maybe after talking to all those people, you found the right thing to say. Did you remember what you said to that last costumer?"

Ed: "Sure I do. I said: 'Mama, you just got to buy this iron.'"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large":

(The crooks are in the apartment. Ralph picks up a water pistol.)

Ralph (yells): "ALL RIGHT! STICK 'EM UP! GET 'EM UP!"

(The crooks get their arms up. Knock on door.)

Ralph (yells): "WHO IS IT?"

Tommy (from outside): "It's me Tommy. Do you have my water pistol in there?"

"Safety Award":

Ed: "Can I wear this hankerchef?"

Ralph: "It's one of my new ones. Remember, it's for showing, not blowing."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This isn't a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

Ed: "Who are they going to give your suit to?"

Ralph: "Some poor unfortunate that is broken-down."

Ed: "That is right. Someone who can't afford to dress as well as we do."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are in the automat.)

Ralph (reading ths clues): "'Cornelius will be watching you...'"

Ed: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute."

(Ed goes through the revolving door and looks at the statue of Cornelius Vanderbilt on the opposite end of the street.)

Ralph: "Now what did you just do?"

Ed: "All right. Corny is watching us."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I will get the $300 Alice. I will get the $300 if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But where are you going to get the other $280?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "How do you like your new apartment Trixie?"

Trixie (angerly): "That is a very dangerous question to ask when I have a hammer in my hand."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "You had six."

Ralph: "What are you, counting?"

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "You don't mean to tell me that you kept me waiting out here for 20 minutes while you played with a boat in the tub?"

Ed: "I'm sorry Ralph. This is a new boat. We were on The Shakedown Cruise."

“Stars Over Flatbush”:

Ralph: “The horoscope is bigger than I am.”

Alice: “Nothing is bigger than you are.”

“The Man From Space”:

Ralph: “If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side.”

Ed: “When you walk down a street, there AIN’T no other side.”

“Please Leave The Premises”:

Ralph: “What I say goes.”

Alice: “Then you better say Alice because I am going.”

“Oh My Aching Back”:

(Ralph tries to stand up straight with his bad back. He looks terrible.)

Ralph: “Does this look natural?”

Ed: “Like the Leaning Tower of Pizza.”

“A Weighty Problem Part 1”:

Ralph: “For your information, I am four pound underweight. It says so in the chart.”

Alice: “You must have been looking at a chart for a hippo.”

“A Weighty Problem Part 1”:

Ralph: “I can’t find the report.”

Ed: “Maybe you ate it.”

"Operation: Protest":

Ralph: "Send Clifford to his papa."

Alice: "He can't see him."

Ralph: "Where is his dad hiding?"

Alice: "He is in the Navy. He is up on the North Pole counting seals."

Ralph: "He's hiding."

"Operation: Protest":

(Ralph wants to kill Clifford.)

Alice: "You are going to hate yourself in the morning."

Ralph: "True, but I will be happy tonight."

"Double Trouble":

Trixie: "There are two Ralph's."

Ed: "You mean that the weight Ralph lost formed into another person?"

[Ralph has criticized Norton saying hello to a golf ball]

Ed Norton:
Maybe, it sounds nuts, I don't know! That's what they say in golf, there. They say "Tally-ho!" when they're fox huntin'! What's crazier, saying "Tally-ho" to a fox or saying "Hello" to a golf ball?

"Norton Moves In" (Color):

(The Nortons come down and ask if they can spend the night since they can't stand the smell of the new paint in their house. Alice okays it. They leave. Ralph is still asleep.)

Ralph: "3am? Why did you wake me up at this time for?"

Alice: "Because the Nortons had their apartment painted today."

Ralph: "Did that newsflash just come across the radio?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Ralph: "You are a doer and I'm a thinker."

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Man's Pride":

Alice: "Why can't we go to the Colonade Room?"

Ralph: "Name me one truck driver who eats there?"

"Better Living Through TV":

Trixie: "Someday Ed, you are going to ask me to do something for you."

Ed: "I am asking you right now. Leave."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "This is only one of the branches of this bank."

Ed: "That is good for us."

Ralph: "Why?"

Ed: "Because if he doesn't give us the money, we can borrow a few bucks from each of the other branches."

"Hot Dog Stand":

Ralph: "Why did you have to wear that tie?"

Ed: "What is wrong with it?"

Ralph: "Look at the stain on it."

Ed: "That is all right. It's pot roast."

"My Fair Landlord":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

Ralph:
[Talking about his mother-in-law] Why couldn't she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble?

"Curse of The Kramdens":

"Ghost": "I'm the Ghost of Shammus O' Toole. If your name is Kramden. Beware! Ha ha ha!"

Ed: "This is Ed Norton. Capital N-o-r-t-o-n."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"Out of Sight, Out of Mind":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I'll get less to eat. I'll start losing weight. Then do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"A Dog's Life":

Alice: "Do you realize that you Raccoons have more emergency meetings than the U.N.?"

Ralph: "It turns out that the Raccoons have more emergencies than the U.N."

"Guest Speaker":

(Ed comes in and sees Ralph in his Raccoon uniform.)

Ed: "What happened Ralph, did you get drafted?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get drafted. I'm a Raccoon."

Ed: "Well, I am a butterfly and I'm flying out of here."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Double Anniversary":

(Ralph tells Ed of his surprise plans to Alice which entail him inviting her out to a movie only to lead her into the Kit Kat Klub where they are going to have the surprise party.)

Ralph: "I hope she doesn't faint."

Ed: "I hope she doesn't faint when she learns that you want to take her to a movie."

You are a BLABBERMOUTH!

Alice Kramden:
[to Norton] Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable, but I've always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you. IT IS LATE. People would like to go to sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano. And I know that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man.

Ralph Kramden:
Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano!

Alice Kramden:
If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you!

Ralph Kramden:
[threateningly] Go ahead and *play*, Norton, if you don't wanna lose my friendship!

Ed Norton:
Well, I'm in a spot. If I play, I lose her respect; if I don't play, I lose your friendship. [anguished wail] Why, oh why was I blessed with this musical talent?

"A Promotion Part 1":

(Ralph has just told Alice not to tell the Nortons about his promotion, but unbeknownst to Ralph, she did.)

Ralph: "I have been promoted. I am now an executive."

Ed: "What a surprise."

(Ed tries to act like he's surprised.)

Ralph (to Alice): "So you told him huh?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ed (looking at a map): "Here's New York City, that is where we started from. Then we go through the Lincoln Tunnel. This black dot here is Jersey City. This black dot here is Bayoone."

Ralph: "Well, Bayoone moving. That's an ant."

Ed: "Let's follow the ant. He looks like he knows where he is going."

"Two-Family Car":

(Alice cleans the fire escape and the mop fell off the rod. It landed on Ralph.)

Alice: "I see that you found my mop."

Ralph: "What this? This one of those new Italian haircuts."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"The $99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time, I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ralph: "I am not nervous, Alice. I am not nervous. I may be a little excited about inheriting $40,000,000, but I am not nervous."

(Ralph polishes his sock.)

Alice: "You are not nervous Ralph. You are not nervous at all. You just read in Esquire about how the well-dressed man always polishes his sock."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

Ralph: "For once you are right. Alice should have married Johnny Farell. He's a much smarter guy than I am."

Alice's Mom: "So you admit it."

Ralph: "Sure. He took one look at you and refused to marry her."

"Hawaii! Oh! Oh!":

Ralph (to Charlie): "I'm on a diet. I've gone from 220."

Ed: "That's his room number. He actually gone from 280."

"Foloow The Boys":

Alice: "Well Ralph, I am ready to sit down."

Ralph: "So?"

Alice: "Well, who's going to help me with my chair?"

Ralph: "There's only two of us in the room. So, you are going to do it."

Alice:
Ralph, what do you need ten dollars for? What crazy scheme have you got in mind now?

Ralph:
It ain't no crazy scheme. I need the money to rent a costume for the party tomorrow night.

Alice:
Rent a costume? I thought you were going to do what you did last year - wear a torn undershirt, talk out of the side of your mouth and go as Marlon Brando.

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Ralph tells Alice that he will get the money for the cottage from his life insurance. Alice thinks that that is crazy.)

Alice: "You got rocks in your head Ralph."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph finds out that he lost $200 the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "You're getting panicky."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8 from?"

Alice:
[to Ralph] Let's say you know all there is to know about popular songs. There's just one thing that you're overlooking, Ralph: You're going on a television show, a big television show. Millions of people are gonna be looking at you, and big money at stake. Why, you're liable to get nervous and forget what you do know. Any person can do that.

Ralph:
Are you kidding? I'm at my best when I'm under pressure.

Alice:
Oh, that's right, I forgot. You're always calm. You have to be, in the kind of work you do. You're a man who "brives a dus".

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph: "He used me for an ashtray."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Ralph tells Alice that he will get the money for the cottage from his life insurance. Alice thinks that that is crazy.)

Alice: "You got rocks in your head Ralph."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph finds out that he lost $200 the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "You're getting panicky."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $6."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $6 from?"

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Yeah Ralph, tell him how you once saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, Jackie Gleason walked across the street, and I stopped for a red light."

(Ralph looks at both Ed & Alice.)

Ralph: "Well, if I had gone through the red light, I would have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

Ralph:
[to Alice] Let's get something straight right now, right here and now: a man's home is just like a ship. And on this ship, I am the captain. I am the captain of this ship, do you understand that? You are nothing but a lowly, third-class seaman. That's all you are. Your duties are to get the mess, swab the deck and see that the captain feels good. That's all you have to do. Remember, you're nothing a third-class seaman. I'm the captain.

[He notices that Alice is leaving and he stops her]

Ralph:
Where are you going?

Alice:
Seaman Kramden, third class, is retiring to the poop deck until this big wind blows over.

[leaves the room]

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows how much you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Letter To The Boss":

(Ralph thinks that he has been fired. He lists all the jobs that are listed in the paper.)

Alice: "What is wrong with those jobs?"

Ralph: "Nothing except they are listed under: 'Help Wanted: Women!'"

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "I want to do the things that young people do. That is what makes you young."

Ralph: "You want to do that? Let's play games that young people play. Let's play house. I will be the daddy and you will be the mommy. All right Mommy CLEAN UP!"

Alice Kramden:
[Ralph has been laid off and Alice is talking about getting a job to help make ends meet] I can get a job as a secretary.

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, you can. And who do you think is gonna do the housework around here?

Alice Kramden:
[smiles sweetly] Guess...

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, no! No, sir, Alice. No, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir! No, sir! Not me!

Alice Kramden:
Oh, yes, you are, Ralph! I'm getting a job and you're gonna do the housework!

"Hello Mom":

Ralph: "What are you doing with all of that material? Making a bedspread?"

Alice: "No, I'm taking your pants out again."

"TV or Not TV":

Ralph: "Who's 'sweet-ums'?"

Alice: "You're sweet-ums."

Ralph: "You're nuts."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ed: "As long as I'm an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live."

(Ralph stands up and motions to Ed to get out.)

Ed: "This is no way to treat..."

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"The Adoption":

Ed: "Can I ask you a question that has to do with the medical profession?"

Doctor: "Sure."

Ed: "Do you have any scientific methods of removing tatoos?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph is complaing about the pain of his toothache.)

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "HEY KRAMDEN, CUT OUT THE NOISE!"

(Ralph goes to the window and opens it.)

Ralph (yells): "IF YOU HAD ANY TEETH, YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT THIS FELLS
LIKE."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph is complaining about his toothache. Alice offers him some
help.)

Alice: "All you got to say is: 'I don't have a toothache.'"

Ralph: "I don't have a toothache...Well, stupid I still have the toothache."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

(The gang is in the broken-down home.)

Ed: "How long is this lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "How long is that?"

Ralph "99 years."

Ed: "99 years?"

Ralph: "Yes, 99 years. That's what America gets from Great Britian when they do that lend-lease stuff."

Ed: "Yeah, but this place isn't exactly Bermuda."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "I'm not the one who's eating it Norton. I watched you tonight. Four pork chops. Four pork chops."

Ed: "What are you complaing about? You had six."

Ralph: "What, are you counting?"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "Norton, do you like the furntiure in here?"

Ed (looking around): "Yeah."

Ralph (to Alice): "See?"

Ed: "Of course. I don't live here."

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph just walked away into the bedroom after Alice's mother dared him to fight her.)

Alice's Mom (yells): "CHICKEN! CHICKEN! CHICKEN!"

Ralph (opening the door, yells): "CROW! CROW! CROW!"

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

Ralph: "You are the only man that can turn my stomach upside-down."

Ed: "There isn't a man in this city that's strong enough to do that."

"Ralph Kramden, Hero At Large" (aka "Trapped"):

(Ralph is playing pool.)

Ralph: "I just sunk in seventeen balls to tie the house record. I am now going to break the house record and I don't wnat to hear a sound out of you."

Ed (accidently making Ralph miss his shot): "You won't even know that I am here."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had six years of schooling."

Alice: "And I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they asked me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "Okay Wisenheimer, I am now going to put the key where even if you knew where it was, you wouldn't be able to find it. I am going to put it right under my pillow. Now you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get it."

Ed: "Congratulations Ralph, you came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set with the ticket that Ralph bought for him. Ralph is jealous.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Tell them Alice, do I wear a girdle?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "There you are."

Alice: "He wanted one but they don't make them that big."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "All right from no on, I will get everything by myself."

Alice: "Ralph..."

Ralph: "Don't 'Ralph' me. If I can't get it, I will do without it. Right now, I am dying for a glass of water, but I would die first before I asked you."

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "AREN'T YOU GOING TO GIVE ME A GLASS OF WATER?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Ed was only trying to help? First, he made me lose my hearing, then he electrocuted me? Why don't you help me some more? Why don't you run me over with the car?"

Ed: "The car won't start."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(At the Raccoon lodge, Ed goes in the "Out" door to go to the kitchen. He bumps into Ralph. Ralph & Ed have an argument about which door [the ones being marked "In" or "Out"] Ed should use to enter the Raccoon kitchen at the lodge.)

Ralph: "You are supposed to go in the door marked "In."

Ed: "I wasn't going in that room. I was coming out of this room."

Ralph: "You were not going out of this room. You were going in that room."

Ed: "How could I go into that room without coming out of this room?"

"A Weighty Problem Part One":

Ralph: "For my height, I am four pounds underweight. It says so in the chart."

Alice: "You must have been looking at a chart for a hippotomus."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "How was the anchovy pizza that I made for you Mr. Gleason?"

Jackie: "I don't know. I ate it so fast, I didn't taste it."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ralph & Alice are in the poolroom. The Nortons answer.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed (reading the astrology book): "'Taurus the Bull seldom loses his temper, shows great wisdow in all financial matters and is extremely attractive to the opposite sex.'"

Ralph: "That is me all right."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "Junk? Junk Junk? Just watch yourself Alice. This furniture was a wedding present from my grandfather."

Alice: "Yeah to your grandmother."

"The Worry Wart":

Ralph: "The government is investigating me."

Alice: "You are not the first person to be investigated by the government."

Ed: "Yeah, the jails are full of them."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "I'm going to make a fortune and I'm going to let you in on the deal."

Ed: "Here we go again."

Ralph: "What kind of crack is that?"

Ed: "I'll tell you what kind of crack that was. You come to me before with things like this before. I can't stand to make a fortune again. I'm going broke."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph walks in as Alice and Trixie are rehearsing their act for the talent show.)

Alice: "We are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, The Bellevue Follies?"

"Please Leave The Premises":

Ralph: "Why can't you get behind me?"

Alice: "It's not my fault Ralph. It's just that there is not enough room back there."

"The Safety Award":

Man: "How close are you to Mr. Kramden?"

Ed: "I'm as close as anybody can get to Ralph Kramden."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Ralph: "After tonight, I might have my own pool table in my apartment."

Ed: "If you do, you will probably have to stand on the sink to make a shot."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "You have no foresight. You can't see this far in front of your nose."

Alice: "And that is another thing. I need glasses."

"Jellybeans":

Ed: "I was in a contest once. You had to name all the states. I was jiped out of the first prize. I named 66 states. The guy that won only named 48."

Ralph: "You are a mental case."

"What's The Name" & "What's Her Name":

(Ed is trying to see the theater marquee by looking out of Ralph's window.)

Alice: "Be careful Ed. You might fall out."

Ralph: "That is a chance we got to take."

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ed wrote SWAK on the back of Ralph's letter.)

Ralph: "You wrote Sealed With A Kiss?"

Ed: "No. Sewer Workers Are Kings."

"The Mexican Hat Trick":

(Ralph puts on a Mexican Sombrerro.)

Ralph: "Well Norton, do I look like a gay Cabrello?"

Ed: "Let me see you walk."

"The Mexian Hat Trick":

(Ralph is disguised as El Diablo and Ed is disguised as El Norto at the El Bar-Ocho Cafe. Banging is heard as a Mexican is thrown out of the kitchen and falls onto a table thereby breaking it. You can tell that the table was fake.)

Ralph: "What was that all about?"

Bartender: "He wanted to join El Lobo's gang."

Ed: "Hey Ralph, why don't we just mail in our application?"

"Head of The House":

Ralph: "There would be no America if it wasn't for Christopher Columbus."

Alice: "There would be no Christopher Columbus if it wasn't for his mother."

"Catch A Star":

Ralph: "Where would we be if Christopher Columbus hadn't taken the chance and discovered America?"

Alice: "We would be in Italy and you would be telling everyone that you knew Gina Lolobrigida."

"Dinner Guest":

Ralph: "Every man in history has had a woman behind him. Christopher Columbus had Isabella. Napoleon had Josephine."

Alice: "Oh, don't tell me that you are comparing yourself to Napoleon."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "The horoscope is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Yeah Ralph, tell him how you once saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, Jackie Gleason walked across the street, and I stopped for a red light."

(Ralph looks at both Ed & Alice.)

Ralph: "Well, if I had gone through the red light, I would have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "Nobody is 100%."

Alice: "You are. You have been wrong every time."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Alice: "Mom's apartment is not getting any smaller."

Ed: "No, but Ralph is getting bigger."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph & Ed are thinking of a slogan for Flakey-Wakey's Cereal.)

Ralph: "Flakey-wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "...but take away from your fat little waist."

Happy Columbus Day!

Ed Norton:
Hey, Ralph, you want an apple?

Ralph Kramden:
No.

Ed Norton:
How about a banana?

Ralph Kramden:
I don't want any banana.

Ed Norton:
How about a nice kumquat?

Ralph Kramden:
Norton, I don't want any fruit of any kind!

"On Stage":

Ralph: "If this lodge doesn't get any money soon, there won't be a lodge. Do you know what happened yesterday? Yesterday, the ACME Finance Company came and took out the pool table. The day before that, they took out the phongraph. The day before that, they took out the pool table. What are we going to do Norton?"

Ed: "Well, we can always hold our meetings at the ACME Finance Company."

"$99,000 Answer":

Herb Norris: "What is your wife's name?"

Ralph: "Mrs. Kramden."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "Why don't we ask who isn't having the baby and ask HER?"

Ralph: "You have been hit on the head by one too many manhole covers."

"Expectant Father":

Ed: "The sewer was swarming with FBI men."

Trixie: "FBI men? What were they doing in the sewer?"

Ed: "They were looking for wetbacks who were trying to beat the crosstown traffic."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "My mistake was not going to a ballgame instead of getting married."

Alice: "What did you say? What did you say?"

Ralph: "I don't chew my cabbage twice."

"Follow The Boys":

(Alice has the house all dark and has a lit candle on the dinner table hoping that Ralph would want to eat dinner in a romantic fashion. Ralph comes home.)

Alice: "Hello Ralph."

Ralph: "So you forgot to pay the electric bill, huh?"

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't want to give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just called Ralph an elephant.)

Ralph: "I will remember that Norton. I will remember that."

Ed: "I know you will. An elephant never forgets."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

(Ralph just threw out the bus company adjuster. He came because he wanted to sign papers because Ralph got injured.)

Alice: "Ralph, this is the dumbest thing that you ever done."

Ralph: "You won't say that when we are living on Park Avenue."

Alice: "I thought that you were going to open a grocery store in Jersey."

Ralph: "I'll commute."

[Ralph is surprised to learn that Alice wants to go roller-skating and he doesn't exactly like that idea]

Ralph:
Let's face it, Alice, we've been out of the age range of roller-skating since Alf Landon stopped being presidential timber.

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: it’s not what you know, it’s who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, and know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, if you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

(Ralph's boss made Ed Ralph's supervisor.)

Ralph: "It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. When Norton becomes my boss, I'm quitting."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I got my pride."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch.)

Ralph: "What is a shoe doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What did you think it was stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be surprised."

[Ralph can't get a ring off his finger]

Ralph:
Is there any lard around here?

Alice:
Yeah, about 300 pounds.

Ralph:
Oh, you're gonna get yours!

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This (the Handy Housewife Helper) is the key to my future. The key to my future."

Alice: "Don't tell me that it has a key for opening the door at Bellevue?"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(Ralph & Ed are making the hair-making formula in a bowl.)

Ralph: "You stupid stupe. You made me poor the beer in the bowl."

Ed: "Why are you calling me stupid for? I wouldn't have done it."

"Lawsuit" (Color version):

Ralph: "You know the condition that I am in. You know I can't do anything by myself."

Alice: "How did you walk out here?"

Ralph: "Don't change the subject."

"Norton Moves In":

(Ralph gets hurt by Norton's lit cigarette that Norton accidently dropped.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph (yells): "NORTON WANTED TO HAVE A CIGARETTE."

Alice: "So?"

Ralph (yells): "HE USED ME FOR AN ASHTRAY."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

(Ralph tells Alice that he will get the money for the cottage from his life insurance. Alice thinks that that is crazy.)

Alice: "You got rocks in your head Ralph."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head? I got rocks in my head? I got nothing in my head."

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph finds out that he lost $200 the lodge had collected.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "You're getting panicky."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph is trying to scrape money to make up for the lodge money he lost.)

Ralph: "All I could scrape together was $8."

Ed: "Why don't you hock Alice's wedding ring?"

Ralph: "Where do you think I got the $8 from?"

"Hero Part 2":

Alice: "I would like to get my sleep. I don't want to hear a peep out of that horn."

(Alice goes into the bedroom.)

Ralph (to Ed): "Get a load of this."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom door and makes noise on the bugle so loud that it hurts his ears.)

Ralph (yells): "OW!"

"Hero Part 1":

Teacher: "I had two Ed Nortons in my class. One was smart."

Ralph: "This is the other Norton."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now to go to sleep?"

Ralph: "You're right. I'm sorry that I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph kisses Alice. Ralph goes into the bedroom when he hears the alarm clock ringing five o' clock. That means that it's time for him to go to work.)

(Ralph has a very weird look on his face.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK! IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK!"

"TV or Not TV":

Ed: "Me and Ralph tossed a coin to see who would get the TV set. He said: 'Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.' It was tails, so I lost."

Ralph (to Alice): "Don't look at me like that. I learned that trick from you. That's how we got married."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, If you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Alice is in the phone booth. They boys don't know it.)

Ralph: "I'm the one in the family with it up here."

(Ralph points to his head.)

Ed: "You got plenty of it down there too."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Ed just won the TV set with the ticket that Ralph bought for him. Ralph is jealous.)

Ed: "It's just like the guy said: 'A lesser man would have said: 'I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me.''"

Ralph: "I bought the ticket. The set belongs to me."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Tell them Alice, do I wear a girdle?"

Alice: "No."

Ralph: "There you are."

Alice: "He wanted one but they don't make them that big."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "I know how to throw my weight around."

Alice: "If you did, you wouldn't leave it where it is."

"Young At Heart":

Ralph: "This isn't a crazy costume. This is what all of us cats wear. I got it! I got it! I'm hip! Ready to go! I'm gone! Gone!"

Alice: "You are gone all right."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "What's the sense of saving money if you can't take it with you?"

Alice: "You are right I can't. I never go any place."

"You're In The Picture":

Alice: "You look like you have lipstick on your face Ralph."

Ralph: "Oh, I cut myself shaving this morning."

Alice: "You cut yourself shaving and only now you are starting to bleed?"

Ed: "Well with the way Ralph is built, it takes a long time for his blood to reach the surface."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

(Pete from Pettskill Studios confronts Ralph about how much money he is spending that Peetskill Studios will have to pay.)

Pete: "Ralph Kramden, who do you think you are, Jackie Gleason?"

Ralph: "How dare you Jackie Gleason! I'm not that nuts."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I got enough confidence in me for the both of us."

Alice: "You got enough of EVERYTHING in you for the both of us."

"Quiz Show":

Ed: "I was on a quiz show once. I was so nervous that I couldn't answer the first question that they gave me."

Ralph: "What was that?"

Ed: "My name."

"Quiz Show":

Ralph: "I had six years of schooling."

Alice: "I had eight years."

Ralph: "Well, some people learn faster than others."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "That shows you what you know about show business. You're always talking about something you don't know anything about. Just remember this: Gregory Peck was an usher at the Music Hall, you know, when they found him, and Kurt Douglas was a soda jerk. So, there's a chance for me."

Alice: "Sure, you can become an usher at the Music Hall or a soda jerk!"

"The Worry Wart":

(Ralph thinks that the government is investigating him. Ed thought that Ralph put down his weight on an income tax form.)

Ralph: "Now would you mind telling me why I would put down my weight on an income tax form?"

Ed: "Why would I know? You're the one being investigated."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Life upon the Wicked Stage":

(Alice is dressed up as a hula girl. Trixie is dressed up as a sailor. They are rehearsing for a talent contest. Ralph comes in.)

Ralph: "What are you doing and who is he?"

Alice: "That's Trixie."

Ralph (to Trixie): "All right. What are you doing and who is she (Alice)?"

"Songs & Witty Sayings":

Alice: "My mother had an offer to appear in silent pictures but she turned that down."

Ralph: "For your information, the reason why she did that was because she couldn't keep silent."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "My brothers don't eat like that."

Alice: "Your brothers don't eat like that? Then how come you are the one in the family that they call 'Skinny.'"

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "You want proof that I'm crazy? My leg won't go up."

Alice: "Your leg won't go up?"

Ralph: "That's right. I hit it with a hammer, but it didn't go up."

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] Ain't you even gonna give me a friendly Raccoon good-bye? [wiggles the tail on his coonskin cap] Whoo-ooo!

Ralph Kramden:
I wouldn't "ooh-ooh" you for anything in the world. Never again will I "ooh-ooh" you! You're a traitor and a turncoat, a disgrace to that uniform and the Raccoon Lodge! I should "ooh-ooh" you? [turns to leave, walks a few paces away, then stops and looks at Norton, with a look of guilt] Norton?

Ed Norton:
Yeah?

Ralph Kramden:
[wiggling the tail of his coonskin cap] Ooh-ooh.

Ed Norton:
[overjoyed] Brother Raccoon!

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Harvey just saw Ralph "KO" somebody.)

Harvey: "That is some punch you got there."

Ralph: "It wasn't anything. I hurt him with my bad hand."

"$99,000 Answer":

Alice: "Spell antidistanttablihmentterrism (sp?)."

Ralph: "I'll spell it...I'll spell it...I'll spell it."

Alice: "Well, go ahead."

Ralph: "I will spell it when you give me $16,000."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "How many holdups have I had?"

Alice: "Six."

Ralph: "In five of them, they didn't get anything."

Alice: "The sixth time was a doozy. They took $45 and the bus."

Ralph: "I have been driving a bus for 15 years and because I lose ONE bus, you have to hold it over my head."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Ralph: "You know what Jackie Gleason gets. Maybe $50 to $100 a night."

Ed: "$50 to $100 a night?"

Ralph: "Yeah. Personally, I don't think he deserves it but that is what he gets."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph (to Alice): "By the way cupcake..."

Ed: "Yes Ralph."

Ralph: "She is cupcake. You're fruitcake."

"The Prowler":

Ed: "I came by to tell you to put some stuff up against the door."

Ralph: "Thank you but I have already done that."

Ed: "How did I get in?"

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "I deserve that promotion, Norton - I worked hard to get it! Just because Mr. Harper doesn't know I'm alive I'm not going to get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same ol' story: its not what you know, its who you know! If you don't have any connections you're dead. You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards. But, if you don't have any connections you get nowhere."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, I don't think that applies to every case. I didn't have any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There":

Ed: "A dcotor once told me that I had a split-personality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton: The gay, carefree man-about-town. The other one was Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton: The sober, serious-minded thinker."

[Ralph tells Norton that he hid Alice's present under the icebox; Norton goes looking for it and finds the pan underneath]

Ed Norton:
That is beautiful, Ralph. I mean it. You know something else? You know, it was a smart idea of yours to put that underneath there, because in case accidentally if she goes in there and finds it, she'll just think it's a pan for under the icebox. It's novel, too, you know. I mean, she's not gonna get another present from anyone like this. She couldn't.

Ralph Kramden:
No one would have a need for two of those.

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit":

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Young At Heart":

Alice: "How can you be so 'icky'?"

Ralph: "Icky?"

Alice: "You are a termite Ralph. Strickly out of the wood."

"TV or Not TV":

(Alice has been acting very nice to Ralph.)

Alice: "Would you like anything?"

Ralph: "Let me have whatever you are drinking. I want to get loaded too."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I bought Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a bigger size."

Alice: "There is no bigger size."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "I am not asking you for the money. The General is telling you to give it to me."

(Alice puts a pot on Ralph's head like as if it were an army helmet and "salutes" him.)

Alice: "Har-har-har!"

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think I live in this city by driving a bus all day? Do you know what I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breakes schreeching, people hollering. When I finish my work and get home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattling, peddlers-a-yelling. I ask you, waht do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"You're In The Picture":

Ralph: "I cut myself shaving."

Alice: "And now you are starting to bleed?"

Ed: "With the way that Ralph is built, it takes his blood a long time to come to the surface."

"You're In The Picture":

Ed: "I must be losing my mind."

Trixie: "How could you lose something you never had?"

"Petticaot Jungle":

Ralph: "You wear the first one the man showed you or the one I gave you last year."

Alice: "I can't wear the latter Ralph. It has a hole in the knee."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

Ralph:
You're a riot, Alice. You're a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're goin'.

"Vacation At Fred's Landing" (1954 version):

(A "real" bear comes to Ed. Ed thinks that it's Ralph in disguise. Ralph is in back of Ed.)

Ralph: "Norton, I am over here."

Ed (yells in fright): "EEE!"

"The Loudspeaker":

Ed: "You got a call from the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, the emperor of all Raccoondoom? I don't believe it."

Ralph: "Sure you don't because you never got a call from him."

Ed: "He doesn't have to call me. He works right beside me in the sewer."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

(Ralph and Ed rehearse their mind-reading act in which Ralph will hold up an object while Ed tries to guess it with the help of Ralph's clue while he can't see. Ed's eyes are closed while Ralph holds up a watch.)

Ralph: "Watch out for this, o' swami."

Ed: "What's the clue?"

"Dinner Guest":

Man: "Me and my wife are big TV fans. Where's the TV?"

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "It's out getting repaired."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "We don't have a TV set."

Ralph (speaking at the same time as Alice): "We don't have a TV set."

Alice (speaking at the same time as Ralph): "It's out getting repaired."

Ralph: "What my wife is trying to say is that if we had a TV set, it would be out getting repaired."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph is eating a stick of celery with a fork and knife right by him.)

Alice: "Ralph, how do you like your supper?"

(A pause.)

Ralph (yells): "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THAT WAS MY SUPPER?" (picking up the utensils, yells): "WHAT ARE THESE THINGS FOR, TO COMMIT SUICIDE WITH?"

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ed has been hypnotized to believe he's going to work.)

Great Fatchumara: "You are down in the sewer now."

Ed: "I am down in the sewer now. Prepare to submerge."

(Ed "submerges.")

Ed: "I am now walking in the water." (looking at Ralph): "Look out. There's a whale in the sewer. It's Moby Dick."

"Sleppy Time Gal":

(Alice is making the Great Fatchumara, Ralph & Ed think that she is hypnotized.)

G.F.: "Mrs. Kramden, what do you think of your husband?"

Alice: "I don't want him. You can have him. He's too fat for me."

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "Mr. Norton, I want you to count down from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Thelma: "O-KAY"

Ralph: "I said stop saying O-Kay It's very good sir, this happens to be my guest and I am your employer."

Thelma: "Some guest and some employer, The SIMP and the BLIMP!!"

Ralph:
For the last time, Alice, I'm telling you, I'm going for the $99,000 question.

Alice:
For the last time, Ralph, I'll be very happy if you win the 600 bucks.

Ralph:
$600? Peanuts, peanuts! What am I gonna do with peanuts?

Alice:
Eat 'em, like any other elephant.

"In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"In 25 Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Flakey Wakey's add to the taste..."

Ed: "But take away from your fat little waist."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "How much time would it take a man if he went about selling these things (Handy Housewife Helpers) if he went from door-to-door?"

Alice: "About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed comes in wearing shorts.)

Ed: "It's the latest thing. It's about time that we men broke the chains of convention. We have been prisoners long enough."

Ralph: "You keep wearing that and you will be in prison all over again."

"Better Living Through TV":

(Ed is wearing one of Trixie's dresses.)

Trixie: "Do you have to smoke that cigar?"

Ed: "Please. It's the only link left to the old me."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ed: "I was born under the sign of Pieces the fish."

Ralph: "You were born under the sign of Pistachio the nut."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Alice: "I'll go get a flashlight for you."

Ralph: "I don't need one."

(Ralph leaves and falls down the stairs. Alice comes by the door. He comes back.)

Ralph: "Well, don't just stand there. Get me a flashlight."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "What did you used to call your dad?"

Ed: "Long distance."

Mrs. Gibson:
Look, Alice, just because you're married to a horse doesn't mean you have to live in a stable.

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Norton Moves In":

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewerworkers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ralph & Ed went to see Mr. Worthington Kenmore. Ed disguised himself to look 18. Later on, Worthington Kenmore visited the Kramdens.)

Trixie: "I'm Treeny's high school sweetheart."

Worthington Kenmore (looking at her): "You're kidding."

Ralph Kramden:
Well, let me tell you something, I had some chances, too, you know, before I married you!

Alice Kramden:
Ha ha!

Ralph Kramden:
Don't laugh Alice, there were plenty of girls crazy about me and you know it. Every time I went down to the beach they used to crowd around me.

Alice Kramden:
Sure. Sure, they crowded around you. That didn't mean they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade!

"Hello Mom":

(Ralph has just found out that much to his chagrin, his mother-in-law is coming.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, you forgot to give me the friendly Raccoon Bye-Bye." (raising the tail on his Raccoon cap): "Whooooooooo!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "Ralph, a three-letter word for exit."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

Ed: "Yeah, that will work."

Ralph (yells): "NOT THAT. GET OUT!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Ed walks in while Freddie Zimmerman and Ethel are talking.)

Ed: "Howdy folks! I heard the phonograph playing and I thought you would like some of my music better. Here's a good one."

(Ed puts on a record that plays loud big band music. He dances to the music. Ralph comes out and takes the record off the record player.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!"

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ed: "You know the saying. 'For every man, there's a woman. For every woman, there's a man.'"

Ralph: "Then why is Aunt Ethel staying at my house?"

Ed: "Maybe you're the man for her."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing. I'm not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "All right. Stay home."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisifaction."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed clears the top of the piano and sits on it.)

Ralph: "What are you doing?"

Ed: "You told me to take it from the top."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

Ralph:
[to Carlos Sanchez] I want to tell you something. You've got some nerve parading around in front of our wives with the fancy manners. We have to eat cold suppers on account of your teaching them the mambo. Let me tell you something. It's easy for you, you know, to play Sir Galahad. You don't do any work. When you go to work, you *dance*! That's no work! When *we* go to work, we work. *Dirty* work!

[holds up his hands]

Ralph:
Just notice the difference between my hands and your hands. That'll show you the difference in work.

[gestures toward Norton]

Ralph:
The difference between your hands and *my friend's* hands!

Ed Norton:
Now, wait a minute. It's not fair to compare his to mine. I mean, I got mine in the water all day.

Ralph:
Aw, shut up.

(The Kramdens and Nortons are at Target.)

Ralph: "This is a great place to get our customes ready for the Raccoon Halloween contest. I know the only way to win the grand prize which is $1,000 Alice."

Alice: "I hope that Target has what you want Ralph. It's just that I don't think that they have costumes in XXXXXL."

Ralph: "Ooooooh, you are a riot Alice. A real riot."

(The Kramdens and Nortons are in the costume section.)

Alice: "This is a great costume for me."

(Alice picks out a sexy nurse costume.)

Ralph: "Where is the rest of that costume? If you were that, your knees will be showing."

Alice: "My knees have to show."

Ralph: "Not a sexy nurse that is married to me."

(Ralph & Ed see an astronaut costume. It's the last one. They both race to get it.)

Ralph; "Get yoru hands off of that Norton. That is MY costume."

Ed: "Your costume? I saw it first."

Ralph: "I SAW it first."

Ed: "I don't think this costume will fit you. If it does, you wouldn't be an astronaut. You will be a PLANET."

Ralph (yells):: "PREPARE TO GO TO THE MOON NORTON."

Alice: "Why do you two have to act like babies?"

Trixie: "Yeah, this is Halloween. It's almost the start of the XMas season."

Ralph: "I want to win the $1,000. I need it."

Ed: "To buy food for yourself?"

Ralph (yells): "ARRRGHHHH!"

Man (yells): "HEY MAN, IF THEY DON'T HAVE WHAT YOU WANT, I CAN CHECK OTHER TARGET STORES TO SEE IF THEY HAVE THEM. NO FIGHTING."

Ed: "He's right Ralph."

Ralph: "He is right."

(They both accidentally rip the costume in half.)

Ralph (yells): "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID."

Ed: (yells): "LOOK AT WHAT I DID? HOW ABOUT YOU? YOU SHOULD HAVE LET GO OF IT."

(They both fight and they have to be separated.)

(Jackie walks on stage. Crowd cheers.)

Jackie: "Thank you. GOOD NIGHT."

(Crowd cheers.)

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ralph has kept the whole building awake because of his toothache.)

Ralph: "If I bite into one of those Choosy-Chews, I will die."

Garrity (from upstairs, yells): "GIVE HIM A CHOOSY-CHEW!"

"Move Uptown":

(A cop comes by as Ralph & Ed are moving things. He thinks that they are burglars.)

Ralph: "Norton, tell him who I am and that I live here."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I want to know if we are being booked on an 802 or 605."

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "All this food is wearing me down."

Ed: "Yeah, I see that you are wasting away to a blimp."

"The New Bowling Ball":

Ralph: "My bowling ball got stuck on my finger and I can't get it off."

Ed: "Why don't you go on a diet? Maybe, it will drop off."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Do you want my salary to leak out?"

Alice: "Your salary couldn't even drip out."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "That phone is for you-you-you."

(Phone rings. Alice answers it.)

Alice: "Hello?..."(poking Ralph with the receiver): "It's for you-you-you."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man: "Carry Mr. Kramden to the train station."

(The men try to pick up Ralph but to no avail.)

Ed: "I think it would be easier if you went to the train station, picked it up, and carried it back here."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "You can't put your arms around a memory."

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you."

"Hello Mom":

(Ralph has just found out that much to his chagrin, his mother-in-law is coming.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph, you forgot to give me the friendly Raccoon Bye-Bye." (raising the tail on his Raccoon cap): "Whooooooooo!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Hello Mom":

Ed: "Ralph, a three-letter word for exit."

Ralph (yells): "OUT!"

Ed: "Yeah, that will work."

Ralph (yells): "NOT THAT. GET OUT!"

"The Sleepwalker":

Doctor: "I want you count backwards from 100."

Ed: "100...99...98...97...3."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Ed walks in while Freddie Zimmerman and Ethel are talking.)

Ed: "Howdy folks! I heard the phonograph playing and I thought you would like some of my music better. Here's a good one."

(Ed puts on a record that plays loud big band music. He dances to the music. Ralph comes out and takes the record off the record player.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT OF HERE! GET OUT!"

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ed: "You know the saying. 'For every man, there's a woman. For every woman, there's a man.'"

Ralph: "Then why is Aunt Ethel staying at my house?"

Ed: "Maybe you're the man for her."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Alice: "I am not going to Fred's Landing. I'm not going to Fred's Landing."

Ralph: "All right. Stay home."

Alice: "I wouldn't give you the satisifaction."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "I'm a nobody."

Ed: "I could have told you that 10 years ago."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ralph: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed clears the top of the piano and sits on it.)

Ralph: "What are you doing?"

Ed: "You told me to take it from the top."

"Without Reservations":

Ralph: "Your brother is a moocher, a swindler, and a bum."

Alice: "What did you say?"

Ralph: "I said that your brother is a bum."

Alice: "My brother is just as good as any member of your family."

Ralph: "He's still a bum."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Why your sister married that loud blowhard, I will never know."

Alice: "She did so because you were already married."

"A Promotion Part 1":

Ralph: "A derrick can't me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"Lawsuit" (Color):

Ralph: "I am trying to put some weight on my broken leg."

Ed: "You are just the boy that could do it."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I wish Trixie could make icing that tastes as good as this."

Alice: "Icing? Ed, that is starch."

Ed: "It is?"

(Ed tastes it again.)

Ed: "I still wish that Trixie would make icing that tastes as good as this."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Ralph Kramden Inc.":

Ed: "It's not like I don't want you to lend me the money. It is what you don't do with it."

Ralph: "What?"

Ed: "You don't pay me back."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus The Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man, but it's the same old bull."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "The theater has been in me all my life."

Alice: "Yeah, I knew that that wasn't your stomach. It was the balcony."

Ed Norton:
Well, if I was asked to describe your build, I'd say you have, uh, very well developed muscles, uh, a good bone structure, very good bone structure, fine frame... and the whole thing is covered with fat.

All L.E. quotes are from "Halloween Party" & "Halloween Party For The Boss":

#1

(Ed comes in dressed as Clara Bow.)

Ed: "Whaddaya say Alice?"

(The crowd laughs then appluads.)

Alice: "Oh Ed you look wonderful."

Ed: "How did you recognize me?"

#2

Alice: "It's very simple Ralph. You are a Zulu Chief."

Ralph: "A Zulu Chief? Well, if this is what a Zulf Chief wears, I hate to be a private citizen in that tribe."

#3

(Ralph gets a mousetrap caught on his hand.)

Ralph (coming into the kitchen with a mousetrap on his hand, yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ed: "What have you got on your hand?"

Ralph: "A mousetrap."

Ed: "What are you going as, a mouse?"

All C39 quotes are from "The Man From Space":

#1

Alice: "Instead of buying a costume, why can't you use your brain and make one?"

Ralph: "Because I want to win. That's why."

#2

(Ralph has his "Man From Space" costume on.)

Ralph: "Can you see the faces on them (the Raccoons) down there (at the Raccoon Lodge) when I walk in with this? Well, what do you think?"

Alice: "I think you are nuts."

#3

Ralph: "That is the trouble with you. You don't know the latest developments."

Alice: "I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets out your pants every week?"

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Ralph: "That sailor that you saw in the hall was Trixie."

Ed: "It couldn't have been Trixie. She was in the army."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Man: "Did your mitther come from Ireland?"

Ed: "What's a mitther?"

Ralph: "He means your mother."

Ed: "No, she didn't. Neither did my britther or my sitther. It was my grandfither."

"Curse of The Kramdens":

Ed: "Is it true that a ghost can go through a wall."

Ralph: "If that happens, you will see me going through that wall."

[last lines]

Ed Norton:
[shouting during the end of the commercial] And now, back to Charlie Chan!

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the
car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Man In The Blue Suit":

(The men are playing poker.)

Ralph: "Why did you raise everybody and then say: 'I'm out.'"

Ed: "I was trying to bluff you out of the pot."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

(Ralph puts his hand into the mailbox to get out the nasty letter that Ed helped him write to his boss because he doesn't want his boss to read it. Ed is watching to see if anybody will come.)

Ed: "Somebody is coming Ralph."

(Ralph stops and walks to Ed. Ralph looks.)

Ralph: "I don't see anyone."

Ed: "I was just practicing."

Ralph Kramden:
Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?

Ed Norton:
Yeah, they forget their relatives.

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Alice: "We'll just have to live on our expenses."

Ralph: "Swell. That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

All Color quotes from "The People's Choice":

#1

(Ralph looks outside the window as Ed blows air into his paper bag and pops it. Ralph thinks that he has been shot and screams in pain. When he realizes what Ed did, he gets mad at Ed. Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."

#2

(Mr. Miller & Mr. Weaver want Ralph to run for Assembly.)

Mr. Miller: "I read some of his (Ralph's) interviews in the newspaper. He doesn't sound smart."

Mr. Weaver: "That is what we want. A stupid hero."

#3

Ralph: "I'm a hero. A hero. A heeero. Do you know what a hero is?"

Alice: "Yeah, a fat sandwich."

"People's Choice Part 2":

(Ralph & the rest of the gang are on the street with instruments [including Ed wearing a drum with suspenders], and advertisements that say: "Vote For Kramden.")

Man: "What do you know about an assemblyman?"

Ralph (giving the signal to Ed to start playing his drum that gives Alice the signal to play the cymbals): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? What do I know about being an assemblyman?" (hitting Ed): "What do I know about being an assemblyman? I'll tell you what I know about being an assemblyman."

(Ed plays his drums & Alice plays the cymbals while Ralph mouths words.)

(The music stops.)

Ralph: "That's what I know about being an assemblyman. Do you have any other questions?"

Man: "Yes. When did you four nuts escape?"

"The People's Choice Part 2":

Ralph (reading his speech to a couple): "'Friends, pretty soon it will be time to go to the polls and vote. You can vote for a guy like me, Ralph Kramden. A fearless citizen who has captured such ruthless people as Bullets Durgem or you can vote for the other guy, that dirty bum, Harvey Porter. If you elect me, I will give you honest government'..."

Woman: "Come on John."

(They leave.)

Ralph: "I'll put new parks in the benches. I'll..." (yells): "SHE WON'T BE SUCH A RIOT AFTER YOU MARRY HER."

"Forgot To Register":

Alice: "Harper is for people like us."

Ralph: "Harper is not for people like us. Penrose is for the little man and I am a little man. Don't you dare say it"

All from "The Deciding Vote":

#1

Alice: "You mean to tell me that you didn't vote for Frank McGillicuddy?"

Ed: "McGuillicuddy? I don't even know how to spell his name."

#2

Ralph: "All right Ed. If you did not not vote for me, than who did?"

Ed: "Joe Rumsey."

Ralph: "Joe Rumsey. That's impossible. Why would he do that?"

Ed: "Remember that vaccum cleaner you gave him. He tried it out. He didn't do so well with the oatmeal test either."

#3

(Ralph & Ed turn on the vacuum but it doesn't suck up dirt.)

Ed: "I think that motor needs a drop of erl."

Ralph: "Yeah, that is all that it needs. A drop of oil."

Alice: "A drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas."

"TV or Not TV":

(Ralph is trying to tell Alice that he has more money in is wallet than Ed.)

Ralph: "I have it here."

(Ralph points to his hip pocket.)

Alice: "You have it here..." (Points to her left hip.) "...you have it here..." (Points to her right hip.) "...and you have it here." (Points to her stomach.)

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "What is the first thing that a person has to do if he wants
to sell something?"

Ed: "Well, first they look your name (Ralph's) in the phonebook and then they try to sell it to you."

"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ralph: "I'm going to get his job back for him Alice. Tomorrow, I am going to go down that sewer tomorrow and speak to Ed's boss. there isn't anything in this world that is going to stop me from going down that sewer tomorrow."

Alice: "Oh no? There isn't a manhole in this city that you can fit through."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Ralph: "What kind of life do you think that I lead in this city driving a bus all day? What do I hear? Taxi horns, police whistles, fire engines, breaks schreeching and people hollering. When I finish my work and come home what do I hear? Babies crying, garbage cans-a-rattlin', peddles-a-yellin'. I ask you. What do I have to do to get a little peace and quiet?"

Alice: "Why don't you shut up?"

"My Fair Landlord":

Ralph: "The person who lent me this place was an ex-GI."

Alice: "Who was he, Benedict Arnold?"

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "Can you paint this place during a time when I am not here like on a Sunday?"

Ralph: "Why not now?"

Ed: "I can't stand the smell of paint."

Ralph: "Are you kidding me? You work in the sewer all day and you can't stand the smell of paint?"

"Sees All, Knows All":

Ralph: "Norton, I am not going to die."

Ed: "You mean never?"

"Lawsuit":

(Ralph is trying to stand on his bad leg while Ed is cracking walnuts.)

Ralph (yells): "I BROKE IT ALICE! I BROKE IT!"

Alice: "That was Ed cracking walnuts."

Ralph (to Ed, yells): "YOU ARE A MENTAL CASE."

"Life Upon The Wicked Stage":

Alice: "Me & Trixie are rehearsing."

Ralph: "For what, the Bellevue Follies?"

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"Alice & The Blonde":

(Alice catches Ralph sneeking into their apartment.)

Alice: "Ralph, do you know what time it is?"

Ralph: "Yeah, it's a little after 11."

Alice: "Yeah, about three hours after 11."

"The Sleepwalker":

(Ed has been annoying Ralph while Ralph is trying to get some sleep.)

Ed: "Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumpquat?"

Ralph (rolling over in bed, yells): "WILL YOU GET TO BED?"

"This Is Your Life Part 1":

(We learn that Ed took the bag of groceries for his lunch.)

Ed: "I have one complaint though. Those cookies were very stale."

Trixie: "What cookies?"

Ed: "Those little round ones."

Trixie: "Those were brillow pads."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is letting astrology run his life.)

Ralph: "There is nothing I can do about it. It is bigger than I am."

Alice: "Nothing is bigger than you are."

"Move Uptown":

(The Kramdens and Trixie are outside.)

Ralph: "Where is Norton? We have to load the trailor."

Trixie: "I don't know."

(Crash! Clatter! Bing! Bong! Boom!)

(Ed comes out with pots and pans tied around him.)

Ralph: "Why do you have to make so much noise for?"

Ed: "Shh."

Ralph: "Don't 'shh' me."

Trixie: "Did you hurt yourself?"

Ed: "No, luckily the pots and pans broke my fall."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains people have, the less hair they got."

Alice (feeling Ralph's hair): "I rest my case."

"The Honeymoon Is Over":

(Alice is dressed like a young woman.)

Alice: "Who is going to look at me Ralph? I'm an old woman."

Ralph: "Who would look at an old woman? An old man."

Alice: "Yeah? You should know."

"Ralph's Gone Hollywood":

Ralph: "Don't you know an assgot when you see one?"

Ed: "You certainly are."

"A Matter of Life & Death":

Ralph: "Don't take any pictures of Dr. Norton. He's very modest."

Ed: "I wouldn't mind a few pictures."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed want to get the money so they can buy Bartfled's Candy Store. Alice & Trixie won't give them the money.)

Ed: "Our money is in a joint account."

Ralph: "So what? That money is yours just as it is hers."

Ed: "There's a slight technicality there. Our joint account is in the name of Trixie and her mother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Thank you very much for having my underwear outside all night. Now it's frozen stiff."

Alice: "I'm sorry."

Ralph: "Don't apologize. Just give me an ice pick and I will get dressed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow, there's a big sale on men's shorts. .89 cents a pair! Norton could sure use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph, what sizes have they got?"

Trixie: "All sizes: 32 to 50."

Alice: "Nope, nothing there for Ralph!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

Alice: I'll go fix my lipstick. I won't be gone long, Killer. I call you Killer 'cause you slay me.
Ralph: And I'm calling Bellevue 'cause you're nuts!

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to come out so he [Ralph] can say his lines.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. Testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Six Months To Live" (Color):

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"The Hypnotist Part 1":

Ralph: "Norton, I must be nuts to go out every night when I have a darling wife at home."

Ed: "At least I got a good excuse."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(Trixie & Ed enter into the pool room. Ralph & Alice are already in the pool room. Ralph and Ed are in the middle of a fight.)

Ralph: "I didn't know anything escaped from the zoo today."

Ed: "If it was an elephant, I can tell them where to look."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "We have something that is more valuable than all of what your brother and his wife put together."

Alice: "What?"

Ralph: "Our love. Now shut up!"

"Unconventional Behavior":

(Ralph invites Alice to come along so he can get money for the convention. Alice was going to give him the money anyway. The men are upset that they know that Alice, and subsequently Trixie are coming along.)

Ed: "Can I ask you a question? How do you get us in these fixes?"

Ralph: "Very simple. Very simple Norton." (yells): "I HAVE A BIIIIIIG MOUTH!"

"TV or Not TV":

Ed: "Me and Ralph tossed a coin to see who would get the TV set. He said: 'Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.' It was tails, so I lost."

Ralph (to Alice): "Don't look at me like that. I learned that trick from you. That's how we got married."

"Principle of The Thing":

(Ralph shows Alice the ugly wallpaper.)

Ralph: "What do you think?"

(Alice wraps up the wallpaper and gives it to Ralph along with his hat and opens the door.)

Alice: "And I don't want to see you back in this house again until the man gives you your money back."

Ralph: "Don't hint Alice."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Ralph: "Since I found out that I am Taurus the Bull, I have become a new man."

Alice: "You may be a new man but it's the same old bull."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

(Ralph hits his knee with a hammer.)

Ralph: "That proves that I am crazy."

Alice: "It sure does."

"Please Leave The Premises":

Alice: "You have holes in your gloves. Fix the silverware."

Ralph: "How would you like some fingers up your nose?"

"The Main Event":

Dynamie: "I need a manager. SOmeone who will get me boxing matches."

Ed: "Why don't you get the guy you knocked out in 12 seconds?"

"Without Reservations":

(Everyone is in their uniforms. Ed's bellhop uniform is too tight.)

Ralph: "Are there any questions?"

Ed: "Yes, how do I get out of this chicken outfit?"

"Rafitti, Brooklyn Style":

(Ralph walks through the doorway.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Ralph!"

Ralph: "Hello. How did you know it was me?"

Alice's Mom: "I could feel the floor sag."

All C39 from "Please Leave The Premises":

#1:

Mr. Johnson: "The rent commission gave me permission to raise the rent. My reasons are right there in that note."

Ed: "I knew this would happen as soon as the war ended."

#2:

Ralph: "This is war Alice. Total war and it's going to be run like a war. George Washington never gave up. He fought for a cause the same way I am. I am just like Washington at Valley Forge."

Alice: "Not exactly Ralph. George didn't have Martha with him."

#3:

Alice: "Do you realize that for the last few days, we hadn't had any heat, water or electricity. And now that you have this silly barricade up, we can't go out and buy any food."

Ralph: "I'm' not giving up Alice. I'm not giving up. Boy, a few inconvencies and right away you want to quit."

"Brother-In-Law":

Alice: "Frank has had this trouble with his back ever since the war."

Ralph: "Trouble with his back since the war? You're gith Alice. The war did give him a lot of trouble with his back on account he was hiding from the draft board in those damp cellars. That's why."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What does a guy who works in the sewer that he needs $2 right
away."

Ed: "Today's payday and the men down the sewer got a little dice game going. Well, you might as well call it a floating crap game."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

(Alice's sister is giving a lot of luggage to Ralph who is giving the luggage to Stanley. One of the pieces being, a suitcase.)

Stanley: "I got it. I got it."

(Alice's sister gives Ralph a fourth suitcase.)

Ralph: "The allies invaded Normady with less than this."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "Boy, if you were only miy size. If you were only my size..."

Alice: "If I was, I would be the fat lady in the circus."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

Ralph: "What is your middle name?"

Ed: "I rather not say."

Ralph: "Come on. Go ahead and tell us."

Ed: "Etherlburt."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I was in Europe once."

Man: "Did you like it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."

Happy Veterans Day!

"Young Man With A Horn":

Alice: "Ed, you didn't get the job of sewer inspector?"

Ed: "No. I washed out."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Alice: "A man works from sun-to-sun, but a woman's work is never done."

Ralph: "Good gosh."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings the bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell and you will get one lump."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "She thinks that the wallpaper is rotten, I think that it is pretty. What do you think?"

(Ed looks at it.)

Ed: "I think that you are both right. It's pretty rotten."

"You're In The Picture":

(Ralph is dressed as a matador while Ed has bulls horns. Ed is warming up.)

Ralph (yells): "COME ON!"

Ed (yells): "I'M WARMING UP IN THE BULLPEN!"

(Ed charges like a bull and misses Ralph. Ed then decides to stick the horns in Ralph's backside.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHH!"

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Hot Dog Stand":

(Ed hands a man a hot dog to eat.)

Ralph: "By the way I look, you wouldn't know that I was driving a bus
yesterday."

Man: "Oh?"

Ed: "I was working in the sewer."

(The man stops himself from eating.)

Man: "Funny. I'm not hungry anymore."

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Do you have any nicknames that you like to call your husband?"

Alice: "Oh, I got several I love to call him."

Rita: "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits."

Alice: "Oh, I see." (to Ralph): "Isn't that a good idea Tubby?"

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Someone thought about putting a plaque on Ralph's bus saying: 'You are on the bus of the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. Ed, you can tell me. Who thought of that idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of a toothache is mental. 50% of the pain of that toothache is here (the mouth). The other 50% is in here (the head.)

Ralph: "For you information, 100% of it is here (the mouth.) There is nothing up there (the head.)"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for apaper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD?WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Norton Moves In":

Ralph: "They are going upstairs."

Alice: "They are staying here."

Ralph (yells): "THEY ARE GOING UPSTAIRS."

Alice: "They are going upstairs over my dead body."

Ralph: "Don't tempt me."

"Pal O' Mine":

Trixie: "Ed said for all the sewerworkers to come formal to the party."

Alice: "Formal?"

Trixie: "White ties and black boots."

"Teamwork Beats The Clock":

Ralph: "How could I get there as fast as you Alice?"

Ed: "Take off 90 pounds."

"Brother Ralph":

Ralph: "You don't know how to handle money."

Alice: "Of course not. I never had any practice."

"Hot Tip":

(Ed comes in with a loud jacket.)

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. Not the people."

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ed: "How long is the lease for?"

Ralph: "The usual."

Ed: "What is the usual?"

Ralph: "99 years."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ralph & Ed went to see Mr. Worthington Kenmore. Ed disguised himself to look 18. Later on, Worthington Kenmore visited the Kramdens.)

Trixie: "I'm Treeny's high school sweetheart."

Worthington Kenmore (looking at her): "You're kidding."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "It is that no-good janitor's fault. You take it too easy with him. You got to be tough with that type of guy. You got to tell him off and you have to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was witing for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I am home. So, go down there and tell him off."

"Sees All, Knows All":

(The fortune teller is looking in her crystal ball.)

Fortune Teller: "It is cloudy. It is cloudy."

Ed: "Ralph, who do you know named Cloudy?"

"Norton Moves In" (Color version):

Ed (bringing in the cot): "Hi folks! I hope I didn't disturb your sleep."

Ralph: "No, you didn't. I get up every morningat 3am. That way, I can get a seat on the subway going to work."

"Pal O' Mine":

(Ed just showed the ring that he is going to give to his boss, Jim McKeever.)

Alice: "Why didn't you get the store where you got this from to gift-wrap it for you?"

Ed: "Oh, they got some silly rule down there. 'No gift-wrapping for any purchase less than $3."

"Box Top Kid Part One":

Trixie: "Ed believes that before you go to Europe, you should see a bit of America first. So we made a list. So far this year, we have scratched off Bayoone, Yonkers & Scranton."

Alice: "What are you going to scratch off this year?"

Trixie: "I would like to scratch off Norton."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ed: "I would say that by listening to that motor there that the amateor sprocket is causing interference which in turn causes the combustion line to interfere with the flow in the dynaflow."

Ralph: "Now what does that mean?"

Ed: "I don't know."

"Funny Money":

Ralph: "One of these days, you are going to push me too far."

Alice's Mom: "The only thing that can push you is a bulldozer."

"Cottage For Sale Part 1":

Alice: "You got rocks in your head."

Ralph: "I got rocks in my head. I got rocks in my head. I got NOTHING in my head."

"The Main Event":

(Ed is showing off his boxing skill for Dynamite.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover your face! Cover your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!...OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE!"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"Oh My Aching Back":

Ralph (yelling in pain): "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!"

(Alice comes out.)

Alice: "What was that?"

Ralph: "I was just yawning."

Alice: "Yawning? It sounded like feeding time at the zoo."

"A Matter of Record":

Ralph: "How could you be so stupid Norton? Why would you want to go? You know the ending as well as I do."

Ed: "You call me stupid? You call me stupid? It just so happens that it makes no difference to me what the ending of the play is. I will just wait until it gets real close to the end of the show and I will get up and walk out."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph brings out a small fish.)

Alice: "This was the big fish that you had the tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "It's a good thing that you weren't married to Alex Graham Bell or he would have never invented the phone."

Alice: "It makes no difference in my life. We don't have one."

Ralph: "With your mouth, we don't need one."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

G.F.: "I am going to put you in a state of hypnosis."

Ed: "Promise you won't hurt me?"

"Boy Next Door":

Ralph: "My dad once said this: 'For one of a sock, a shoe was lost. For one of a shoe, a horse was lost. For one of a horse, a war was lost. For one of a war...for one of a war...it was all lost.'"

Alice: "Yeah? Why don't you get lost?"

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ralph: "The more brains men have, the less hair they got."

(Alice puts her fingers in Ralph's hair.)

Alice: "I rest my case."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "The bills will get bigger and bigger and I will have less to eat. I will start losing weight. Then, do you know what I will look like?"

Alice: "Yeah, a human being."

"Ralph Goes Hollywood":

Bing: "Looks like you run a very democratic household Ralph."

Trixie: "Yeah, you know what happened to them in the last election."

"Hot Dog Stand" & "Principle of The Thing":

Alice: "You call a bowling ball an absolute necessity?"

Ralph: "I sure do. You can't bowl without one."

"The Babysitter":

Ralph: "Norton, I don't want to lose her."

(Ralph leaves. Ed sits down and starts to eat Ralph's dinner.)

Ed: "Gee, I hope he doesn't lose her too. She is such a good cook."

"Two-Family Car":

Ralph: "All right. You will have the car Monday-Friday. I will have the car on the weekends."

Ed: "Wait a minute. I work those days. You take the car five days and let me take the car two days."

Ralph: "Okay, your days are Wednesday and Thursday."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Young Man With A Horn":

(Ralph has been playing the cornete badly.)

Ralph: "Norton, would you mind taking these clothes upstairs to put on the clothesline?"

Ed: "Are you going to play the cornette?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Ed (taking the clothes): "I will be very happy too."

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

(Ed helps Ralph rehearse. Ralph is in the bedroom waiting to get out.)

Ed (reading the script): "Hello there!" (not reading): "Testing. testing 1-2-3-4. Testing. Woof! Woof! Testing."

Ralph (opening the door): "Let's get going."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"

"To Whomever It May Concern":

Alice: "We'll just have to live on our expenses."

Ralph: "Swell. That will take care of tonight. But, what are we going to do in the morning?"

"Two Faces of Ralph Kramden":

Nick: "How about $400 a week."

(Ralph coughs.)

Nick: "$500."

(Ralph coughs more.)

Nick: "$600."

Ralph: "Norton, give me some water."

Ed: "Don't be a dope Ralph. Keep coughing Ralph. You will be a millionaire in no time."

"Dial J For Janitor":

(Ed is trying to bang his pipes to get water for his apartment. Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "NORTON, WOULD YOU STOP THAT BANGING? I GOT A HEADACHE."

Ed (from upstairs, yells): "I NEED WATER. I NEED TO TAKE A BATH."

Ralph (yells): "DO ME A FAVOR AND STAY DIRTY JUST FOR THE NIGHT."

"The Loudspeaker":

(Ralph slips on the rock candy that Ed put down.)

Ralph (yells): "ROCK CANDY?! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ROCKS IN YOUR HEAD? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL ME OR SOMETHING NORTON?"

Ed (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU YELLING AT ME FOR? YOU GOT RID OF THE HIC-OFFS, DIDN'T YOU?"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!"

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and I."

Ed: "This poolroom ain't big enough for you and anybody."

"Confusion, Italian Style":

(The Kramdens & Norton arrive in a VERY small car.)

Man: "These italian cars aren't exactly very big."

Ralph: "You're telling me. When I first saw this, I thought that it was a cigarette lighter."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Fred: "You will have to eat as much to help you stay alive Ralph."

Ed: "Even that will be too much."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(The boys come home.)

Ralph: "Shh! Alice is asleep."

Ed: "What?"

Ralph: "I said that Alice is asleep."

Ed: "I can't hear you."

Alice (from bedroom): "He said: 'Shh! Alice is asleep.'"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ralph: "This furniture is good for me."

Alice: "Sure it is. But, just because you are a Raccoon doens't mean that I have to live in a hole in the ground."

"Expectant Father":

(Ralph thinks that he is going to be a father. He wants his new boy to be a fighter.)

Ed: "Why don't you name the kid Percy?"

Ralph: "Percy?"

Ed: "With a name like that, he will be fighting all the time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I got a solution on how we should remove the dresser. The drawers are probably filled with junk."

Ralph: "That's not a bad idea."

(Ed takes the drawers and puts them on top of the dresser.)

Ralph: "Okay, let's go."

"A Dog's Life":

(Ralph is at the dog pound. He just gave back Alice's dog that he hated, but slowly and surely he started not hating it.)

Ralph: "Is my dog going to get a good home?"

Man: "I hope so."

Ralph: "What do you mean by that?"

Man: "We have several dogs who are only supposed to be here for four days. We got several who are over the limit."

Ralph: "What happens to the dogs who are over the limit?"

Man: "They have to be destoryed."

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that the dog I just gave back is going to be destroyed?" (going into the room where all the dogs are, yells): "WAIT A MINUTE!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Hair To A Fortune":

Ed: "Bottle #2: Ho (H2O)"

(Ed dumps the H2O in the bowl in a rather unique way.)

Ralph: "Take it easy with that H20. What do you think it is, water?"

"Songwriters":

Ralph: "Berlin threw away a lot of bad lines."

Alice: "Yeah, if you can only find out where he threw them."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Do you know what it like Alice to own a home? You can walk outside, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out in the hallway right now and do the same thing."

"The Sleepwalker":

Ralph: "All right Weisenhemimer. I am now going to put the key in a place which even if you know that it was there, you wouldn't be able to get it. I am going to put it under my pillow. Now, you will have to lift me up bodily in order to get the key."

Ed: "I got to hand it to you Ralph. You came up with something even Dick Tracy couldn't solve."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

(Ralph is trying to scratch an itch on his back by rubbing his back on the ice box. Ed comes in.)

Ed: "What do you say there Taurus?"

Ralph: "I was trying to scratch an itch that I couldn't reach."

Ed: "Oh, for a minute there I thought you were practicing the ol' Shake, Rattle & Roll."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph:"$600.00 thats peanuts, peanuts, what am I gonna do with peanuts??"

Alice: "Eat'em like an other elephant."

"Please Leave The Premises":

(Ralph just said a peom that claims will help him relax. It goes: "Pins and needles. Needles and pins. It's a happy man that grins." Mr. Johnson then comes in with the notice for the rent increase.)
n
Ralph (yells to Mr. Johnson): "You are not getting one dime, not one thin dime."

Norton: "Ralph, Pins and needles, needles and pins."

Ralph "Oh shut up!"

"People's Choice Part 1":

Ralph: "I am a hero. A hero. A heero. Do you know what that is?"

Alice: "Yeah, it's a fat sandwich that is full of baloney."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph and Ed are arguing over who eats more in their new home.)

Ralph: "Who's eating it?"

(Ed takes a look at Ralph's stomach.)

Ed: "I rest my case."

"Flushing Ho":

(Ed looks at the toaster.)

Ed: "The radiostat conductor is not making proper contact with the electrocoil."

Alice: "What does that mean?"

Ed: "There's a screw loose."

"Cupid Part 1":

(Ralph is playing matchmaker with a friend and a blond girl. Alice thinks that he is seeing someone behind her back.)

Ed: "Is Ralph home?"

Alice: "No."

Ed: "He must be out with some blonde."

"Lunchbox":

(Ralph thinks that Alice packed an awful lunch.)

Ralph: "What is a shoe doing in the stove?"

Alice: "What did you think it was stupid, your dinner?"

Ralph: "After today, I wouldn't be suprised."

"The Safety Award":

Ralph: "A group of men are picked to do a job, trained in the same fashion as each other, and there's always one man in the group that stands out far in front of the others."

Ed: "If you stood out any more in front you wouldn't be able to get behind the wheel of a bus!"

"Two For The Money":

Ed: "I bet you $8 that my friend Ralph can beat you at pinball."

Man: "I'll bet $10."

Ed: "$8. We don't want to play for high stakes. We just want to make it interesting."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "All right Alice, don't give me the money and if you don't, I am walking out that door! And once I walk out that door it is for good! I will never come back in here again! I will never set foot in this building once I walk out that door! You're going to be awful lonesome around here all by yourself, Alice! Just remember; you can't put your arms around a memory!"

Alice: "I can't even put my arms around you!"

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up the jacket that Ed put the hot iron on. The jacket is now burned.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that's my idea of a burn."

"Stars Over Flatbush":

Alice: "You mean that you are going to call your boss at 11:30 Friday night?"

Ralph: "Yes."

Alice: "Ralph, that's crazy. He might be fast asleep."

Ralph: "That's his tough luck."

"Sleepy Time Gal":

(Ralph is trying to butter Alice up so he can get the money from her so he could go on the Racoon Convention.)

Ralph: "That was a nice dinner that you made me."

Alice: "You liked the cold cuts."

(A slight pause.)

Ralph: "My, isn't she lovely."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 1":

Ralph: "I'm going to take a bath."

Aunt Ethel: "Would you mind if I brushed my teeth first?"

Ralph: "Give them to me and I'll do them for you."

"Goodnight Sweet Prince":

Alice: "Ed, don't you have to go to work?"

Ed: "There not too concerned about punctuality down in the sewer Alice. As a matter of fact, they think that they are lucky if we show up at all."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

Alice: "Tell Ed how you saved Jackie Gleason's life."

Ralph: "Well, I was driving my bus. He was ready to cross the street by a traffic light and I stopped for at that traffic light because of the red light."

(Ralph looks around.)

Ralph: "Well, if I gone through the light, I may have hit him."

Ed: "You didn't save him. You saved your bus."

"King of The Castle":

Alice: "Trixie & Ed had a fight."

Ralph: "What do you want me to do, take on the winner?"

"A Matter of Record":

Tommy: "How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you can cover first base?"

Ed: "My boy, you are looking at a man that can cover the infield, outfield and all four corners of the bleachers."

Ralph:
If any of the Racoons ever get sick, it'll be my responsibility to go and visit them.

Alice:
Oh, that is a very important responsibility, Ralph. You better start now and find out what the visiting hours are at Bellevue.

Ralph:
That did it, Alice - that did it. You have just broken the camel's back with that straw. You have ridiculed my brother Racoons. You have just made fun of something very big that's close to my heart.

Alice:
The only thing big that's close to your heart is your stomach.

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed want to get the money so they can buy Bartfled's Candy Store. Alice & Trixie won't give them the money.)

Ed: "Our money is in a joint account."

Ralph: "So what? That money is yours just as it is hers."

Ed: "There's a slight technicality there. Our joint account is in the name of Trixie and her mother."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I know New York from top to bottom."

Ed: "I have been working in the sewer for years. I know New York from bottom to top."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"Kramden Vs. Norton":

Ralph: "Thank you very much for having my underwear outside all night. Now it's frozen stiff."

Alice: "I'm sorry."

Ralph: "Don't apologize. Just give me an ice pick and I will get dressed."

"The Deciding Vote":

Alice: "Ralph, what are you going to do?"

Ralph: "I will give that bum (Ed) a reference." (reading): "'How long have you known the applicant?' Too long." (reading): "'Is the applicant trustworthy?' Don't make me laugh." (reading): "'In your opinion, is the applicant a good character?' The applicant is a bum!"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Alice: "We have to get rid of Happy. He's too big for this apartment."

Ralph: "He's too big for a zoo."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Trixie: "Hey, I got to go downtown shopping tomorrow, there's a big sale on men's shorts. .89 cents a pair! Norton could sure use some."

Alice: "So could Ralph, what sizes have they got?"

Trixie: "All sizes: 32 to 50."

Alice: "Nope, nothing there for Ralph!"

"Sleepy Time Gal":

Ed: "Remember last year at the Raccoon Convention in New York where the police where cracking down on people who were throwing water bags out of the hotel windows? That didn't stop me. I just filled up the bags with water and threw them out my hotel window."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "I almost drowned. The window was closed."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the priviledge of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"A Promotion Part 2":

Ralph: "A derrick couldn't get me out of this chair."

Alice: "A good big one might be able to."

"A Man's Pride":

(Ralph is trying to tell Bill Davis that he has a VERY IMPORTANT job.)

Ralph: "I am in the transportation business."

Bill Davis: "What do you do?"

Ralph: "Oh, I run things."

Bill: "You run things?"

Ed: "Yeah, everyday he's in the driver's seat."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Rita: "Do you have any nicknames that you like to call your husband?"

Alice: "Oh, I got several I love to call him."

Rita: "All you have to do is pick your husband's outstanding feature and find a name that fits."

Alice: "Oh, I see." (to Ralph): "Isn't that a good idea Tubby?"

"The Safety Award":

Ed: "Someone thought about putting a plaque on Ralph's bus saying: 'You are on the bus of the World's Safest Bus Driver: Ralph Kramden.'"

Alice: "Oh, a plaque like that. Ed, you can tell me. Who thought of that idea?"

Ed: "Ralph."

"Finders Keepers":

Ralph: "I'll get the $300 Alice. I'll get it if I have to sell everything in this house."

Alice: "Fine. But, what are you going to do about the other $280?"

"Ralph's Sweet Tooth":

Alice: "I read in a magazine once that 50% of a toothache is mental. 50% of the pain of that toothache is here (the mouth). The other 50% is in here (the head.)

Ralph: "For you information, 100% of it is here (the mouth.) There is nothing up there (the head.)"

"Follow The Boys":

Ed (reading): "'Four-letter word for place of dwelling.' I got that one. House: H-o-s-e. That is the trouble with these puzzles. They are not challenging."

Alice: "Yeah, they are easy. Easy: E-z-y."

"Follow The Boys":

Ralph: "I have to go bowling. I am the anchorman."

Alice: "Of what, the Queen Mary?"

"Flushing Ho":

(Ralph is looking for apaper with his social security # on it.)

Ralph: "I think I found it. Here it is: 56-68-73."

Alice: "Those are the measurements for that new suit you bought."

Alice:
Thelma, what my husband meant was he just wants to explain your duties to you.

Thelma:
Oh, yeah, what I gotta do. And I might as well tell you right now: I can't do no heavy work. I'm sickly.

Ralph:
Sickly? Well, first of all, you'll have to go to the market. Then you'll have to cook, scrub the floors...

Thelma:
I don't scrub no floors!

Alice:
You're so right, Thelma. My husband will be glad to scrub the floors.

Ralph:
Now wait a minute!

Thelma:
You'll scrub the floor!. That's a man's work.

Ralph:
Just a minute. Who's doing the hiring here? All right, Alice, it's all off!

Alice:
Oh, no, Ralph, I'm not giving up my career. So it's either Thelma or you.

Thelma:
And I might as well tell you somethin' else, right now: I get Thursdays and Sundays off, see? My work is through the minute the supper dishes are done. I don't work in no house where they got no pets, so you might as well get rid of one if you got one. If you're gonna have a party, I get time-and-a-half over and the next day off. And, uh, if you're planning on having any late snacks, I don't do no cleaning up the next morning. And this boy looks like he has plenty of late snacks.

"Be It Ever So Humble":

Ralph: "When you own a house, you can go outisde, pick up some dirt and say: 'This is all mine.'"

Alice: "I can go out the door right now into the hallway and do the same thing."

"Ralph Kramden Presents":

(Ralph has every Raccoon believing that he knows Jackie Gleason and will get him to come to the Raccoon Dance.)

Ralph: "Do you remember the last time that the Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler bought everybody a round of beer?"

Alice: "Yeah, the time that you told them that you knew Rudy Valee."

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second time."

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ralph: "Stop saying 'okay.' Say: 'That will be very good sir.'"

Thelma: "Okay."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "Oh, by the way, when Mrs. Weidmeyer comes in, it might be good if you complimented her on how she decorated this place. You know, she might give you a tip on how to fix up our place."

Alice: "I could sure use her help. I just can't figure out what color pan goes best under our ice box!"

"Hair-Raising Tale":

(One of Ralph's failed inventions that was revealed in this episode was Glow in the Dark shoeshine polish.)

Ed: "Mr. Mitchell, would you like to try shoeshine polish that glows in the dark?"

Ralph (yells): "WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Battle of The Sexes":

Ralph: "Don't make a sound while I take a shot. Don't even breathe."

Ed: "If I don't breathe, I will die."

Ralph: "That's okay. Just don't make any noise when you hit the floor."

"The Deciding Vote":

Ralph: "How about the time when we were playing softball and you got hit in the head with a bat? Who was it that got you a cab and took you over to the hospital? I did. Who came and saw you every day? I did. Who got you cigarettes and candy? I did."

Ed: "Who hit me in the head with a bat? You did."

"We Spy":

(Ralph & Ed greet the girls wearing Russian uniforms. They try telling the girls the story about them being mistakes for spies in Russia.)

Ralph: "Honestly I am telling the truth. Where do you think we got these clothes from?"

Alice (reading the label on Ralph's uniform): "'The Fat Man's Shop.'"

Ed Norton:
[Ralph tries to figure out what to leave Alice in his will] Look, as long as you're going, anyway, why don't you sell your body to science? If they pay by the pound, she'll be left a millionaire!

Ralph:
Why don't you shut up?