Superbatboy
06-23-2002, 05:53 PM
The One with the ugly baby
Written By: Brandon Noble
These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
SCENE 1
(At Monica and Chandler’s apartment)
Monica: With these new fish, we’ll be all relaxed and enjoy life a little better
Phoebe: What kind of fish are they called again??
Monica: Beta Fish
Phoebe: Why would you want the beta version of any animal?? It’s not the real thing Mon
Monica: No Phoebe, that’s just the name of the fish. You know like a guppy or a platy
Phoebe: Yeah, don’t remember asking though (sarcastically)
(Enter Joey)
Joey: So you guys ready to go see Rachel and the baby now that they’re home???
Phoebe: I’m ready
Monica: Wait, I still have some cookies baking in the oven. And Chandler hasn’t gotten home yet
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Bye Monica(teasingly)
Monica: Aren’t you guys going to wait for me???
Phoebe: You think NBC is going to wait to cancel Watching Ellie??
(Exit Phoebe and Joey)
SCENE 2
(At Ross’ apartment)
Rachel: Ross, our baby isn’t cute
Ross: Rachel, what are you talking about??? She’s beautiful (looks in the crib)… In a blue/purple sort of way
Rachel: You and your strong genes
Ross: Me??? That baby looks exactly like you Rachel
Rachel: What??? Hello. Ross, come on the long sad puppy face. The un even dimples, the gap. Oh wait, she doesn’t have teeth yet. But she probably WILL have a gap. I hope you have a good dental plan. But from the looks of it, you don’t
Ross: Please Rachel. The baby has round chubby too wide for it’s neck cheeks like you. Has the Mr. Potato head nose, and the Cabbage patch doll chin
Rachel: Take that back
Ross: I will not
Rachel: Fine then. Get out
Ross: Rachel, I live here
Rachel: Well, not anymore you don’t
Ross: Come on Rachel. We have a baby together now. There’s no use in fighting
Rachel: You’re right Ross
(Enter Phoebe and Joey)
Joey: How’s my little mother doing??? (Gives Rachel a hug)… And the daddy(gives Ross a hug)
Rachel: So what’s everybody been up to??
Phoebe: Well, nothing much is going on in my life, but Monica is baking cookies and feeding trial size fish
Ross: Phoebe, there’s no such thing as a trial size fish
Phoebe: Yeah huh. It’s called a beta fish
Ross: Phoebe, a beta fish is….(Interrupted)
Phoebe: Don’t remember asking
Joey: So, let’s get a good look at the baby(Looks in crib) Whoa…..did they do that thing like when you buy a car and they take it to the back to “wash” it and bring you a different one??? For goodness sake, why didn’t you guys leave a mark on the baby???
Rachel: Sorry Joey, if it was a boy then we would have purposely forgotten that Ross was Jewish to keep the mark on the boy
SCENE 3
(At the Central Perk)
Chandler: Gunther, what’s wrong???
Gunther: Well, I had undying love for Rachel, but now….I can’t love her anymore
Chandler: And why is that??? She’s not married you know
Gunther: Yeah but, I was raised in a stepfamily, and I’m not about to go through THAT again. She can keep Ross
Chandler: Funny how you talk like you had a choice in the matter
(Enter Monica)
Monica: Hey baby
Chandler: Hey sugar
Monica: I have a surprise for you upstairs
Chandler: Ooooh, can’t wait to see it
Monica: More like them
Chandler: Every man’s dream(Looks up)
Monica: Not that Chandler. I got beta fish for us
Chandler: Monica, I know you’re a good chef and all. But Whitney Houston probably has more meat on her bones than that
Monica: No silly. I bought them as pets
Chandler: And that was my big surprise???
Monica: Yeah, I read somewhere that fish relax the human body
Chandler: And I didn’t stay at work for overtime why??
SCENE 4
(At Ross’ apartment)
Ross: She has a little bit of Monica in her
Rachel: What, the cleaness, cause you refuse to let her go more than 1 hour without being changed
Ross: Rachel, I don’t want her to get a rash
Rachel: Well, if she takes after her father then it’s too late for that
Ross: The doctor said it was a skin disorder Rachel
Rachel: Yeah, and it just happen to develop some 30 some odd years after you were born
Ross: Come on Rachel. I thought we weren’t going to fight
Rachel: Were not fighting. We’re having a dialogue
Ross: Too bad in my head it’s just a monologue of you cackling like a bird
Rachel: Oh, you wanna talk about birds??? Turkey neck. And yes, the baby has a turkey neck
Ross: No before you Elephant thighs
Rachel: Take that back
Ross: I won’t
Rachel: You dead beat dad???
Ross: What???
Rachel: Oh yes, you will be a dead beat dad once I leave this town. I don’t want my baby anywhere near her Veloceraptor father. Too bad we’re not preying mantis, you would’ve been eaten by me a year ago
Ross: Oh please, preying Mantis don’t get drunk and totally lose their minds. And sleep with the first half decent thing they see. Well, I guess not half decent
Rachel: *gasp* Yo mama
Ross: Your daddy
Rachel: Your bald-headed granny
Ross: My granny is dead (starts crying)
Rachel: I’m sorry Ross.
Ross: We really can’t do this anymore. We can’t fight in front of the baby
Rachel: Okay, we won’t. But the baby still looks like you
Ross: 3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3
Rachel: Okay, that’s enough
SCENE 5
(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Chandler: Okay, you have 1, 2, 3, fish in 1, 2, 3, tanks. Care to explain??
Monica: They can’t be in the same tank because they fight
Phoebe: How do you know that???
Monica: It’s a fact, beta fish fight each other
Phoebe: There she goes with the facts again
Chandler: Well, now that I’ve seen them, I love my fish honey(kisses Monica)
Phoebe: Oh please, gag me with a muffin Elvin
Monica: Oh, that reminds me. I have cookies in the oven
Phoebe: Again. Are you ovulating??
Monica: No, that’s the 23 day. Today’s the 21st day
Phoebe: Oh, the mother/housewife time period
Chandler: Please don’t say period while we’re talking about this
Phoebe: On my 21st day I usually clean house
Monica: Oh, I want to come over and help
Phoebe: Well, it’s the 19th today, so in two more days Mon
Monica: Yeah
Chandler: And yet we’re still talking about cycles
(Enter Joey)
Joey: Hey guys
Chandler: Hey Joey. We’re talking about periods
(Joey walks back out)
Phoebe & Monica: Men
SCENE 6
(At the Central Perk)
(Rachel and Ross walk in)
Rachel: Must you insist on bringing that baby everywhere??
Ross: Um, hello
Rachel: I’m embarrassed
Ross: Come on, it’s not that bad. At the hospital you said she was beautiful
Rachel: After 47 hours of labor, a baby with Roseanne’s face attached would have been appealing
Ross: All babies have their ugly stage
Rachel: Funny how you never grew out of it
Ross: Come on Rachel, we said we weren’t going to fight in front of the baby
Rachel: Bu…(Interrupted)
Ross: Or dialogue
(Gunther walks over to Ross and Rachel)
Gunther: Congrats on your new baby…your blue/purple baby…..(Walks away and jumps in the air while saying “YES”)
Rachel: Get some coffee Ross
Ross: I don’t want any coffee
Rachel: Please, just get some
Ross: You just want me to stay awake and take care of the baby while you sleep
Rachel: I’m soooo tired Ross. Help me out here
Ross: Here I’ll help your tiredness out. Gunther, double espresso for Rachel
Gunther: Okay, but don’t think Rachel is still going to get the same speedy service she used to get before
Rachel: I’m not drinking that coffee Ross. You better hope I don’t throw it in your face when it comes
Gunther: And it won’t come for another 15 minutes. I have MORE important customers than you now
Ross: Rachel, why are you being so mean to me
Rachel: Because I’m not pregnant anymore and I’m back on my cycle
Ross: Please don’t expound on the subject
SCENE 7
(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Phoebe: I don’t understand why men get so scared when women talk about the cycle
Monica: Just their own insecurities
Chandler: And here we are STILL talking about (Joey walks in) periods
(Joey walks out)
Monica: See what I mean???
Phoebe: I mean, there’s nothing that guys talk about that bothers us
Chandler: I’m sure there is
Phoebe: I’m sure there isn’t
Chandler: I’m sure there is
Phoebe: I’m sure there isn’t
Monica: Sure annoy me why don’t you
Phoebe: Sorry
Chandler: Okay how about, Forensic science???
Phoebe: Um, hello. I’m Phoebe. Phoebe Buffet, the weird left-handed one
Chandler: You know, I’ve noticed something about left-handed people. They’re all weird
Phoebe: That is not true…Look at um….Eminem
Monica: 1 for 1 that’s weird
Chandler: Actually 2 for 2 Monica. You forgot Phoebe
Phoebe: Okay, how about my sister Ursula???
Monica: The porn star???
Phoebe: Okay, bad example
Monica: That’s 3 for 3
Phoebe: I’m losing…. Um, how about Jerry Seinfeld???
Chandler: Okay, are you talking about the TV character or the actor
Phoebe: He’s an actor???
Chandler: I don’t care, left-handed people are weird for the most part, that’s the bottom line (Joey walks in) period
(Joey walks out)
Chandler: Wait, Joey. Come back here
Monica: Yeah, come sit and talk with us
Joey: Okay, but no more applicator worthy conversation
(Joey sits at the table)
Monica: We were just talking about left-handed people…and how(Interrupted)
Phoebe: And how they’re so normal
Joey: I agree with Phoebe
Chandler: What???
Joey: I mean, who gives us the right to judge someone on the hand that they use, or the content of their character
Chandler: Joey, you’re supposed to judge someone on the content of their character
Joey: Oh yeah, I knew I should have paid more attention during black history month in school
Monica: Joey, you should have paid more attention during school “period”
(Joey gets up and walks out)
SCENE 8
(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Rachel: I can’t believe this thing
Ross: Rachel
Monica: Rachel, don’t talk about my niece like that. She’s going through her ugly faze. She’ll grow out of it
Rachel: Not according to her genes(looks over at Ross)
Ross: I’ll never touch alcohol again
Rachel: We weren’t drunk Ross
Ross: Yeah, maybe you weren’t
Phoebe: Well, at least you’re not left-handed
Rachel: And what does THAT have to do with anything???
Phoebe: Only us weird lefties would understand
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler: Hey guys
Everyone: Hey
Chandler: Hey Monica, what did you do with the fish???
Phoebe: Hello, they were BETA fish. Trial fish. They expired
Monica: Must be a left-hand thing. Anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore. So I took them back to the store
Chandler: Take what???
Monica: Do you know those things poop???
Chandler: Yes
Monica: I can’t have bowls of feces in water sitting in my house
Rachel: It’s not like you can see it floating in the bowl
Monica: But it’s there
Phoebe: Wow, just get over it Monica. They’re expired. Like milk. Not breast milk
Ross: Don’t remind me of your human fluid consumption Phoebe
Chandler: I still remember the horror
Monica: Must be a left-hand thing
Phoebe: Oh shut up
FINAL SCENE
(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Rachel: I just hope our baby gets cute
Monica: It will, it will
Rachel: It, is right
Chandler: I kind of miss the little fish
Phoebe: You should’ve just, froze the fish Monica. Maybe they would have lasted a little bit longer
Ross: You can’t freeze things and preserve them alive Phoebe. Think about the ice age, during that time(Joey walks in) period
(Joey looks at everyone, sighs, and shakes his head and walks out)
THE END
Written By: Brandon Noble
These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
SCENE 1
(At Monica and Chandler’s apartment)
Monica: With these new fish, we’ll be all relaxed and enjoy life a little better
Phoebe: What kind of fish are they called again??
Monica: Beta Fish
Phoebe: Why would you want the beta version of any animal?? It’s not the real thing Mon
Monica: No Phoebe, that’s just the name of the fish. You know like a guppy or a platy
Phoebe: Yeah, don’t remember asking though (sarcastically)
(Enter Joey)
Joey: So you guys ready to go see Rachel and the baby now that they’re home???
Phoebe: I’m ready
Monica: Wait, I still have some cookies baking in the oven. And Chandler hasn’t gotten home yet
Phoebe: Oh, okay. Bye Monica(teasingly)
Monica: Aren’t you guys going to wait for me???
Phoebe: You think NBC is going to wait to cancel Watching Ellie??
(Exit Phoebe and Joey)
SCENE 2
(At Ross’ apartment)
Rachel: Ross, our baby isn’t cute
Ross: Rachel, what are you talking about??? She’s beautiful (looks in the crib)… In a blue/purple sort of way
Rachel: You and your strong genes
Ross: Me??? That baby looks exactly like you Rachel
Rachel: What??? Hello. Ross, come on the long sad puppy face. The un even dimples, the gap. Oh wait, she doesn’t have teeth yet. But she probably WILL have a gap. I hope you have a good dental plan. But from the looks of it, you don’t
Ross: Please Rachel. The baby has round chubby too wide for it’s neck cheeks like you. Has the Mr. Potato head nose, and the Cabbage patch doll chin
Rachel: Take that back
Ross: I will not
Rachel: Fine then. Get out
Ross: Rachel, I live here
Rachel: Well, not anymore you don’t
Ross: Come on Rachel. We have a baby together now. There’s no use in fighting
Rachel: You’re right Ross
(Enter Phoebe and Joey)
Joey: How’s my little mother doing??? (Gives Rachel a hug)… And the daddy(gives Ross a hug)
Rachel: So what’s everybody been up to??
Phoebe: Well, nothing much is going on in my life, but Monica is baking cookies and feeding trial size fish
Ross: Phoebe, there’s no such thing as a trial size fish
Phoebe: Yeah huh. It’s called a beta fish
Ross: Phoebe, a beta fish is….(Interrupted)
Phoebe: Don’t remember asking
Joey: So, let’s get a good look at the baby(Looks in crib) Whoa…..did they do that thing like when you buy a car and they take it to the back to “wash” it and bring you a different one??? For goodness sake, why didn’t you guys leave a mark on the baby???
Rachel: Sorry Joey, if it was a boy then we would have purposely forgotten that Ross was Jewish to keep the mark on the boy
SCENE 3
(At the Central Perk)
Chandler: Gunther, what’s wrong???
Gunther: Well, I had undying love for Rachel, but now….I can’t love her anymore
Chandler: And why is that??? She’s not married you know
Gunther: Yeah but, I was raised in a stepfamily, and I’m not about to go through THAT again. She can keep Ross
Chandler: Funny how you talk like you had a choice in the matter
(Enter Monica)
Monica: Hey baby
Chandler: Hey sugar
Monica: I have a surprise for you upstairs
Chandler: Ooooh, can’t wait to see it
Monica: More like them
Chandler: Every man’s dream(Looks up)
Monica: Not that Chandler. I got beta fish for us
Chandler: Monica, I know you’re a good chef and all. But Whitney Houston probably has more meat on her bones than that
Monica: No silly. I bought them as pets
Chandler: And that was my big surprise???
Monica: Yeah, I read somewhere that fish relax the human body
Chandler: And I didn’t stay at work for overtime why??
SCENE 4
(At Ross’ apartment)
Ross: She has a little bit of Monica in her
Rachel: What, the cleaness, cause you refuse to let her go more than 1 hour without being changed
Ross: Rachel, I don’t want her to get a rash
Rachel: Well, if she takes after her father then it’s too late for that
Ross: The doctor said it was a skin disorder Rachel
Rachel: Yeah, and it just happen to develop some 30 some odd years after you were born
Ross: Come on Rachel. I thought we weren’t going to fight
Rachel: Were not fighting. We’re having a dialogue
Ross: Too bad in my head it’s just a monologue of you cackling like a bird
Rachel: Oh, you wanna talk about birds??? Turkey neck. And yes, the baby has a turkey neck
Ross: No before you Elephant thighs
Rachel: Take that back
Ross: I won’t
Rachel: You dead beat dad???
Ross: What???
Rachel: Oh yes, you will be a dead beat dad once I leave this town. I don’t want my baby anywhere near her Veloceraptor father. Too bad we’re not preying mantis, you would’ve been eaten by me a year ago
Ross: Oh please, preying Mantis don’t get drunk and totally lose their minds. And sleep with the first half decent thing they see. Well, I guess not half decent
Rachel: *gasp* Yo mama
Ross: Your daddy
Rachel: Your bald-headed granny
Ross: My granny is dead (starts crying)
Rachel: I’m sorry Ross.
Ross: We really can’t do this anymore. We can’t fight in front of the baby
Rachel: Okay, we won’t. But the baby still looks like you
Ross: 3, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3
Rachel: Okay, that’s enough
SCENE 5
(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Chandler: Okay, you have 1, 2, 3, fish in 1, 2, 3, tanks. Care to explain??
Monica: They can’t be in the same tank because they fight
Phoebe: How do you know that???
Monica: It’s a fact, beta fish fight each other
Phoebe: There she goes with the facts again
Chandler: Well, now that I’ve seen them, I love my fish honey(kisses Monica)
Phoebe: Oh please, gag me with a muffin Elvin
Monica: Oh, that reminds me. I have cookies in the oven
Phoebe: Again. Are you ovulating??
Monica: No, that’s the 23 day. Today’s the 21st day
Phoebe: Oh, the mother/housewife time period
Chandler: Please don’t say period while we’re talking about this
Phoebe: On my 21st day I usually clean house
Monica: Oh, I want to come over and help
Phoebe: Well, it’s the 19th today, so in two more days Mon
Monica: Yeah
Chandler: And yet we’re still talking about cycles
(Enter Joey)
Joey: Hey guys
Chandler: Hey Joey. We’re talking about periods
(Joey walks back out)
Phoebe & Monica: Men
SCENE 6
(At the Central Perk)
(Rachel and Ross walk in)
Rachel: Must you insist on bringing that baby everywhere??
Ross: Um, hello
Rachel: I’m embarrassed
Ross: Come on, it’s not that bad. At the hospital you said she was beautiful
Rachel: After 47 hours of labor, a baby with Roseanne’s face attached would have been appealing
Ross: All babies have their ugly stage
Rachel: Funny how you never grew out of it
Ross: Come on Rachel, we said we weren’t going to fight in front of the baby
Rachel: Bu…(Interrupted)
Ross: Or dialogue
(Gunther walks over to Ross and Rachel)
Gunther: Congrats on your new baby…your blue/purple baby…..(Walks away and jumps in the air while saying “YES”)
Rachel: Get some coffee Ross
Ross: I don’t want any coffee
Rachel: Please, just get some
Ross: You just want me to stay awake and take care of the baby while you sleep
Rachel: I’m soooo tired Ross. Help me out here
Ross: Here I’ll help your tiredness out. Gunther, double espresso for Rachel
Gunther: Okay, but don’t think Rachel is still going to get the same speedy service she used to get before
Rachel: I’m not drinking that coffee Ross. You better hope I don’t throw it in your face when it comes
Gunther: And it won’t come for another 15 minutes. I have MORE important customers than you now
Ross: Rachel, why are you being so mean to me
Rachel: Because I’m not pregnant anymore and I’m back on my cycle
Ross: Please don’t expound on the subject
SCENE 7
(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Phoebe: I don’t understand why men get so scared when women talk about the cycle
Monica: Just their own insecurities
Chandler: And here we are STILL talking about (Joey walks in) periods
(Joey walks out)
Monica: See what I mean???
Phoebe: I mean, there’s nothing that guys talk about that bothers us
Chandler: I’m sure there is
Phoebe: I’m sure there isn’t
Chandler: I’m sure there is
Phoebe: I’m sure there isn’t
Monica: Sure annoy me why don’t you
Phoebe: Sorry
Chandler: Okay how about, Forensic science???
Phoebe: Um, hello. I’m Phoebe. Phoebe Buffet, the weird left-handed one
Chandler: You know, I’ve noticed something about left-handed people. They’re all weird
Phoebe: That is not true…Look at um….Eminem
Monica: 1 for 1 that’s weird
Chandler: Actually 2 for 2 Monica. You forgot Phoebe
Phoebe: Okay, how about my sister Ursula???
Monica: The porn star???
Phoebe: Okay, bad example
Monica: That’s 3 for 3
Phoebe: I’m losing…. Um, how about Jerry Seinfeld???
Chandler: Okay, are you talking about the TV character or the actor
Phoebe: He’s an actor???
Chandler: I don’t care, left-handed people are weird for the most part, that’s the bottom line (Joey walks in) period
(Joey walks out)
Chandler: Wait, Joey. Come back here
Monica: Yeah, come sit and talk with us
Joey: Okay, but no more applicator worthy conversation
(Joey sits at the table)
Monica: We were just talking about left-handed people…and how(Interrupted)
Phoebe: And how they’re so normal
Joey: I agree with Phoebe
Chandler: What???
Joey: I mean, who gives us the right to judge someone on the hand that they use, or the content of their character
Chandler: Joey, you’re supposed to judge someone on the content of their character
Joey: Oh yeah, I knew I should have paid more attention during black history month in school
Monica: Joey, you should have paid more attention during school “period”
(Joey gets up and walks out)
SCENE 8
(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Rachel: I can’t believe this thing
Ross: Rachel
Monica: Rachel, don’t talk about my niece like that. She’s going through her ugly faze. She’ll grow out of it
Rachel: Not according to her genes(looks over at Ross)
Ross: I’ll never touch alcohol again
Rachel: We weren’t drunk Ross
Ross: Yeah, maybe you weren’t
Phoebe: Well, at least you’re not left-handed
Rachel: And what does THAT have to do with anything???
Phoebe: Only us weird lefties would understand
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler: Hey guys
Everyone: Hey
Chandler: Hey Monica, what did you do with the fish???
Phoebe: Hello, they were BETA fish. Trial fish. They expired
Monica: Must be a left-hand thing. Anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore. So I took them back to the store
Chandler: Take what???
Monica: Do you know those things poop???
Chandler: Yes
Monica: I can’t have bowls of feces in water sitting in my house
Rachel: It’s not like you can see it floating in the bowl
Monica: But it’s there
Phoebe: Wow, just get over it Monica. They’re expired. Like milk. Not breast milk
Ross: Don’t remind me of your human fluid consumption Phoebe
Chandler: I still remember the horror
Monica: Must be a left-hand thing
Phoebe: Oh shut up
FINAL SCENE
(At Chandler and Monica’s apartment)
Rachel: I just hope our baby gets cute
Monica: It will, it will
Rachel: It, is right
Chandler: I kind of miss the little fish
Phoebe: You should’ve just, froze the fish Monica. Maybe they would have lasted a little bit longer
Ross: You can’t freeze things and preserve them alive Phoebe. Think about the ice age, during that time(Joey walks in) period
(Joey looks at everyone, sighs, and shakes his head and walks out)
THE END