Kate: "I knew you'd be a success with that beautiful voice of yours."

Selma Plout:
[about the decorations outside the hotel] Well, what's all this?

Uncle Joe Carson:
Oh, hi Selma. Kate's coming home.

Selma Plout:
So I hear. Nobody made this much fuss when I returned from my trip.

Uncle Joe Carson:
That's right. We did all our cheering when you left.

Kate: "I've seen half-starved hound dogs look happier than that."

Sam: "It's the biggest event since the openin' of the store."

Kate: "Bein' thin can have its advantages."

__________ Jo: "Welll, it's a record."

Billie Jo:

Mrs. Finch:
[about the baby, Kathy Jo] Oh, isn't she darling.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Yeah. Who do you think she looks like?

Mrs. Finch:
Well, she has the Bradley nose, and Bradley mouth and chin.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Don't you see any Carson in her?

Mrs. Finch:
Yes! The way she's laying down.

Floyd: "Kate, should I put on my conductor's suit, or is it just home folks gettin' off?"

Homer Bedloe: (to Sam)"Who in blue blazes is Kate Bradley?"

Homer: "Well, what do the boys think they're operating? A train or a taxi?"

Homer: "Well, if this isn't the nuttiest..."

Homer: "I'll melt the whole works for paperweights!"

Kate: "The Hooterville Cannonball waits for nobody."

Betty Jo: "You know what I think? The Cannonball needs a boiler wash."

Homer: "This isn't a train, it's a rolling booby hatch."

Uncle Joe: "It gives the hotel class."

Kate: "...angry words never settled any problem."

Kate: (to the Cannonball)"Don't you worry, old girl. We've been through a lot together, and we'll get through this too."

Charlie: "Floyd, are you burnin' railroad ties again?"
Floyd: "Charlie, I just burned the loose ones. Besides, we needed a quick fire."

Kate: "We'll get her a piece of toast."

Kate: "You keep your big beak closed except for eatin'."

Uncle Joe: "Kate, this is your morning for lucky blunders."

Kate: "Uncle Joe, that sour face is not welcome in the dining room."
Uncle Joe: "Then what'd you bring him in here for?"

Kate: "Some women don't care about cookin'."

Floyd: "Ohh, I'd sure to like to be in his shoes right now."

Homer: "Forget it. It won't work."

Uncle Joe: "You know, fightin' a railroad's a man's job."

Norman Curtis: "Gentlemen, I tell you the Hooterville Cannonball is through!"

Norman: "Gentlemen, we'll send our diesels through there so fast!, those Hooterville hicks will think they're living on a launching pad."

Kate: "...the president of this railroad makes Bedloe look like a Sunday school teacher."

Uncle Joe: "Kate, you're the worst judge of character I've ever seen."

Uncle Joe Carson:
As the chief, I've always been worried about the one weak link in the fire department.

Kate Bradley:
So you've decided to resign.

________ Jo: "Why didn't he take the letter?"
Kate: "Because that would be too easy."

Sam: "Stealin' stamps is a Federal offense."

Sam: "I've been busier than an Adam's apple at a yodelin' contest."

Uncle Joe Carson:
Friends, how many times have you sat in the living room staring at your wife, wishing you had somebody to talk to?

Kate & Joe:

Uncle Joe Carson:
You keep eatin' like that and you're gonna have to back up to a door to knock on it.

Steve:

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, how could you possibly have made a deal with Mr. Carson?

Lisa Douglas:
But, he made such good sense.

Kate Bradley:
Uncle Joe made good sense?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes. He agreed with everything I said.

Kate: "Uncle Joe, this is the hottest Indian summer we've had in 50 years."

Uncle Joe: "I'll send that girl to one of the best colleges in the country."

Kate: "Hear it? I got a splittin' headache from it."

Kate: "Well, there goes our clientele."
Uncle Joe: "Who needs him?"
Kate: "We do!"

Uncle Joe: "Borrowin' money's a man's job."

Ronnie: Smashing!

Kate: "He was our last link bewteen us and money."

Uncle Joe: "Two hundred dollars? That's not a hole, that's a goldang crater."

Kate: "Charlie, you were right! That was a smooth ride. Like sailin' on a pink cloud."

Floyd: "You know what you are, Mr. Bedloe?"
Homer Bedloe: ""Yes, a heel, a fink, a _____ stinker, a dirty rat! Take your pick."
Charlie: "I think 'dirty rat' fits you best."

Billie Jo: "He acts like a college man!"

Betty Jo: (to Kate)"I never saw a lion your chicken couldn't turn into a lamb."

Uncle Joe: "Kate, you can't talk that way to millionaires."

Henrietta & Joe:

Floyd Smoot:
I wonder what kind of engines they're runnin' on the main line now.

Charley Pratt:
I wouldn't know, Floyd. It must be twenty years since we've seen the main line.

Floyd Smoot:
Yeah! You reckon they'll ever put that trestle back up so we can get there?

Charley Pratt:
No. Floyd, if you ask me, the folks have forgotten all about us at the C & F.W.

You can't keep the dog. One thing we don't need around this hotel is some flea-bitten hound eating us out of house and home.

(dog whining)

Uncle Joe: (to Sam)"How would you like a good luck charm growing out of your ear?"

Sam: "What's for sale?"
_________ Jo: "The Cannonball."

Kate: "But that's silly to hate a train."
Sam: "Yeah, well, he ain't got any other vices. He specializes."

Homer Bedloe: "It's a junkyard, they want it for scrap."

Steve: "Honey, it's a corporation, all they sell is stock."

_______ Jo: "I'd feel a lot better if it were underhanded."

Adelaide Keane:
Joseph Carson, do you realize you have accomplished the impossible? "Don't nobody tell me I ain't no gentleman." Four negatives in an eight word sentence.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Do you hear that Mort? And I ain't had no education, either.

Jack King: "Oh, no! A full page!"

Sam: (to Jack)"What page do you want?"
Jack: "Well, do I get a choice?"
Uncle Joe: "You got two choices. Front or the back."

Orrin: "Steve, you're closin' a trap on me."

Billie Jo: "Everywhere you go, critics."

Orrin: "That's not tomato ketchup, brother."

Uncle Joe: "She's a pretty girl; that's what it's for. I think she'll win it."

Dr. Janet Craig: (to Steve)"Tge queens are wild."
Steve: "Well, if they aren't, they will be."

Uncle Joe: "Don't repeat it to Arnold."

Sam: "I'm betting against myself."

Uncle Joe: "O, brother, even in an airplane they give you a paper sack."

Sam: "Well, she's my niece. Slightly removed."

Kate: (to Uncle Joe)"And the next time, finish your dinner at the table."

Uncle Joe: "You girls can laugh at the story, but it wasn't funny to old Chester."

Uncle Joe: "Charles Farnsworth. The last of the great towel snatchers."

Kate: "You come in on here, Floyd, there's nothing to be afraid of."

Doctor: "I've seen some mighty weird things in my time."

Uncle Joe: "Don't leave that bone on the rug for Chester to trip over."

Floyd: "I just say 'em. I don't explain 'em."

Kate: "Good bye, Chester Farnsworth. Wherever you are."

Kate: "How can a whole gallon of stove polish just disappear?"

Kate: "What's that?"
Betty Jo: "The Cannonball. I told Charlie to watch the steam pressure."

Uncle Joe: "...use the telephone after Edison invented it."

Billie Joe: "Back to the weak link."

Charlie: "That pig don't like Doris."
Floyd: "Neither does Fred."

Fred: "What we ought to do is keep the rules and change the chief."

Kate: "That siren sounds like they mean business!"

Charlie: (to Bink Sharfells)"It was Joe's fool cannon that broke your windshield."

Uncle Joe: "Nothing wrong with that stock; mine was full of gold."
Kate: "There just weren't any Aztecs to get it out."
Uncle Joe: "Kate, you shouldn't made a killin' on that stock."
Kate: "I should've but I couldn't find you."

Kate: "Uncle Joe, dis you find out why the water heater doesn't work?"
Uncle Joe: (o.s. in basement)"Yeah. it sprung a leak."

Kate: "Well, if it doesn't make hot water, we can always launch it."

Kate: "The former owner has spoken."

Sam: "Sellin' phony stock is a big deal offense."

Uncle Joe: Kate, I told you that was a good investment."

Kate Bradley: Some day that train's gonna sneak in, drain all the water before you can get out and leave you high, dry and bare!

Kate: "Billie Jo?"
Billie Jo: "Yes, ma'am."
Kate: "When I asked where Uncle Joe was, I didn't mean to start a two-story hollerin' match."

Billie Jo: "Why didn't he take the letter?"
Kate: "That would be too easy."

Sam: "Stealin' stamps is a Federal offense."

Uncle Joe: "Once you appoint it, you can't unappoint it."

Kate: "Take down this rogue's gallery."

Uncle Joe: "You got a dime?"

Kate Bradley: [to the Cannonball] Don't you worry, old girl. We've been through a lot together and we'll get through this, too.

David Benton: "This is charming. Absolutely charming, and..."

Kate: (to David)"He's your silent partner."

Kate: (to dog)"Forget what I said about Mr. Benton, and keep an eye on me."

Uncle Joe: "He's better than Liberace."

David: "It's like pullin' teeth to get Dobble out of his room."

Sam: (to Kate)"And that upset the girls, huh?"

Kate: "There's a delegation of - little, invisible green men from Mars, and they're gonna check in here in ten minutes."

____________ Jo: "If there wasn't a Mr. Dobble, who slept in his bed?"

Mr. Robinson: "Well, I'd better tip off the manager of the Pixley Hotel."

Kate: "I have had it. That contraption has got to go."

Uncle Joe: "What's wrong with learnin' to write Japanese?"

Adelaide Keane:
Joseph Carson, do you realize you have accomplished the impossible? "Don't nobody tell me I ain't no gentleman." Four negatives in an eight word sentence.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Do you hear that Mort? And I ain't had no education, either.

Uncle Joe: "What was that?"
Kate: "Nothing to worry about, Uncle Joe. It's called 'silence'."

Uncle Joe: "So what? Nutty Norman ain't any more a president of that railroad than I am."

Uncle Joe: "That's like askin' a fox what he's doin' in the hen house."

Uncle Joe Carson:
As the chief, I've always been worried about the one weak link in the fire department.

Kate Bradley:
So you've decided to resign.