General: What is this, you are not Gestapo?

Schultz: "Jolly jokers, all of you."

Schultz:"Be a good fellow, and take me with you."

Schultz:"In wartime, you have to be flexible."

Schultz: "I now know something."

Schultz:"I see nothing, I hear nothing, and I say NOTHING!!!"

Burkhalter: "A high-level meeting with low-level thinking."

Hogan: "Pyromaniacs are so sensitive."

SS Colonel Deutsch: "I like my enemy only one way: dead."

Schultz:"I see nothing, I hear nothing, and I say NOTHING!!!"

Schultz:"I know NOTHING"

Schultz:"Who won the war?"

Hogan: "Well, there go the polo matches."

Klink: "Nobody gets the best of Colonel Klink."

Hogan: "What else is an enemy for?"

Hogan: Are you in or out?

Klink: "There is nothing more personal than being killed."

Hochstetter:"If my head will roll, ALL heads will roll."

Hogan: "Your basic Frenchman is very emotional."

Hogan: We're gonna build the bridge with a very special feature.

Carter: "I've always wanted to blow up my old high school."

Hochstetter:"Who is this man, and WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"

Schultz: "I don't get to read anything."

Klink:"You can never be nice to a German."

Hogan: "Another day, another munitions dump."

Klink:"You can never be nice to a German."

Schultz: "Why don't I ever think of those things?"

General Hofstader: Where is my tank, Klink?

Hogan: "Look, we can't win this war alone."

Schultz: "I won't take that from any man, not even my wife."

Carter: (to Hogan)"Sir, request permission to escape."

Klink:"I can assure you of my fullest cooperation."

Schultz: "I know nothing about everything."

Burkhalter: "Beggars can't be choosers, you know."

Schultz: "Why should I have an opinion?"

Klink: "Schultz, when I want a miracle, I'll ask for it."

Schultz: This place is finally getting to you.

Klink: (derisively)"Prussian."

Hogan: "His enemy is our enemy."

Hogan:"I have a plan that has no right to work, but let's give it a try anyway."

Hochstetter: "I think I found ze tunnel."

Schultz:"I shall be alert and intelligent."

Hogan: "...like a Saturday night at the USO."

Carter: "Heck, I've seen groundhogs down there that were lost."

Hogan: "Himmler may execute him on the telephone."

Hogan: "When you steal from a thief, one sure thing: He'll never call the cops."

Klink:"SCHULTZ, the prisoners has joined the Wehrmacht!"

Carter: "I like a lot of medals."

Newkirk: "I don't know which way to look for the explosion."

Burkhalter:"There are worse things than being married to the sister of General Burkhalter."
Klink muttering after Burkhalter left:"Name one."

Schultz: "Verr-y funny! Very funny!"

Klink: Hogan, I want my car!

Klink: "...I am a man of many sides!"

Hogan: "When all else fails, there is always Colonel Klink."

Burkhalter: "Klink, you're an idiot."

Hogan to Newkirk:"I've always liked you in basic black."

Hogan: "Nobody respects officers anymore."

Col. Klink: I am the colonel who will sign your transfer for the Russian front.

Schultz: "...red, white, and blue are not my colors."

Schultz: Boy, are you running the camp!

Hogan: "There's never a cab when you need one."

Newkirk:"What makes you think you can design a bridal gown?"

Hogan: "Fellas! If you don't mind. I can't stand family quarrels."

Hochstetter: (repeated line)"Bah!"

Hogan: Carter, what are the boys in the metal shop working on?
Carter: Reversible tie pins.

Klink: "It's the efficient way."

Hogan: "Even a general can't win 'em all."

Major Byron Buckles: "If I'm going to die, at least let it be in a close-up."

Klink:"I have no dear friend."
Hochstetter:"I can believe that."

Hogan: "That's the way the big war bounces."

Hochstetter referring to Klink:"The Gestapo is interested only in security, and this man is a natural hazard."

Hogan: "He does have a fascinating smile."

Schmidt: What is it you want?
Hogan: Cleveland.

Schultz: "It sings!"

Schultz: "I did see myself."

Schultz:"Who won the war?"
Hogan:"It's still up for grabs."

Newkirk: "I like a camp that's run by the book."

Schultz: Jawohl, mein Colonel! [Salutes Hogan]

Klink: "What's there to behold? She looks like her brother."

Hogan: Carter, I don't know what I'd do without you. But sometimes I'd like to try.

Klink: "The Russian front is a very negative place."

Hogan: (sarcastically)"Has all the makings of a fair fight."

LeBeau:"If I cook, then why should I be on KP?"
Newkirk:"You're closest to the kitchen."

Hogan: (to LeBeau) "Find another Frenchman your size who can cook?"

Hogan: Gestapo man came to camp and I wasn't told?! Where was I?
Kinchloe: Listening to the World Series, with the rest of us.
Hogan: Well. First things first.

Hogan: "It's brave enough in the bottle, but draw the cork and it panics!"

Sir Charles Chitterly: "Beastly bore, being a fascist."

Colonel Klink: I have been appointed Haufman's defense council.
Corporal Newkirk: How did it happen?
Colonel Klink: I'm told I volunteered.

Hogan: "Let's just say it's double or nothing."

Schultz: How are you going to get him out of the camp?
[Hogan is about to say something]
Schultz: (Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.

Hogan: "Another day, another rocket."

Newkirk: "There's always more."

Klink: "We Germans have a great talent for plans and innovations."

Woman in bar: "Ja. Spring is definitely late this year."

Hogan: "Bride of Frankenstein strikes again."

Newkirk: "And he's got no character at all."

Hogan: "Arrogance! is what makes a German officer!"

Klink: "There has never been an escape from Stalag 13."

Burkhalter: "How can he be so brainy and dummkopf enough to blow himself up?"

Hogan: "Love will find a way."

Klink: "I am not interested in logic."

Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Steal a German tank?!
Col. Robert E. Hogan: We'll give it back... after we take it apart and make blueprints of it.
Sgt. James 'Kinch' Kinchloe: Well, how do we get ahold of it?
Cpl. Louis LeBeau: How do we get it in here?
Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Where are we going to hide a tank?
Sgt. Andrew Carter: Where do we take it apart?
Col. Robert E. Hogan: Look, I got the idea of stealing it, right? The rest is detail.

Klink: "My father always said 'Whatever you do in life, do it the best. The very best.'"

Klink:"SCHULTZ, close the gate. The war is back on."

Schultz: "Everybody did some talking so everybody will do some walllking."

Hogan: "It's better that way. It has the Gestapo touch."

Newkirk: "Don't indict me, indict the system!"

Klink: "Let us confine ourselves to ideas, not insults!"

Newkirk: "You sure know how to show a girl a good time."

Hogan: "Intelligence has turned it over to an advertising agency."

Hogan: "Please. One miracle at a time."

Hogan: "Sometimes they fly away."

Hogan: "Happy digging."

Carter: Cheer up Schultz. Maybe they'll send you to a good post.
Schultz: Well maybe they're going to send me to the Russian Front.
Carter: Well if they transfer you close to home, you'll be able to see your wife more often.
Schultz: All of a sudden the Russian Front sounds very good.

Hogan: "It's his hobby."

Burkhalter: "I think you are the one with the temporary insanity, Hogan."

Newkirk one-liner:

Gertrude:"Generals are harmless. Except, of course, to the men who do the fighting."

Hogan: "Also keeps me out of trouble."

Newkirk: (to LeBeau)"Youuu peasant."

LeBeau:"If I cook, then why should I be on KP?"
Newkirk:"You're closest to the kitchen."

Schultz: "I know no-thing! about the radio. No-thing!"

Carter disguised as a General:"If you don't release them to me, you shall be shot now."
Klink:"I think I should prefer to be shot later."

Schultz one-liner:

Klink: "This is no costume, this is the real me!"

Col. Klink one-liner:

Hogan: "It's like they say, 'If you drink don't drive.'"

Carter: "...'Act in haste and repent in leisure'."

LeBeau:"I don't care to escape. I like it here."

(One liner)

Hogan:

Hogan:"Sometimes it's best to laugh at the face of disaster."
Klink:"I see what you mean. And some time, when you are facing it, I will laugh my head off."

Hogan: "You know, sometimes I just hate myself."

Hogan: "Sounds like Fort Knox."

Schultz one liner:

Colonel Klink:
Dis-missed!

Hogan: "Love is for civilians, Schultz."

Schultz:"Interrupting a general's nap could cost a promotion."
Klink:"If it costs me a promotion, imagine what it'd cost you."

Schultz: "A bullet in any of those places could be fatal."

Hogan:

Colonel Backscheider:

Hogan: "Serves me right. Ask a silly question,..."

Hogan: There's never a cop when you need one

Klink: "Don't use that word in my presence!"

Hogan: "Yeah, it only hurts when I'm awake."

Hogan: "Is it possible to resign from a war?"

Hogan: (to Klink)"To know you is to trust you."

Schultz: "I don't mind carrying a few extra pounds."

Hogan: "The infamous Stalag 13."

Hogan: "We owe it all to the Carter plan."

Hogan: "Klink and his monocle are still fighting World War I."

Hogan: "Not with a crossbow!"

Hogan: "We needed the space for dancing."

Newkirk:"What makes you think you can design a bridal gown?"

Hogan: "He smiles at train wrecks."

Kinchloe: "Man does not live by radio alone."

Carter: (to LeBeau) "You're lucky you weren't picked up by the vice squad."

Schultz: "Never have I slept less in any picture."

Schultz: "I look too military."

Hogan: "There's one in every crowd."

Hogan:"Sometimes it's best to laugh at the face of disaster."

Hogan: "I was doing my job."

Klink: "Gentlemen, to a successul visit."

Colonel Klink: Those prisoners will be released over my dead body!

Hogan: "It's a busy war."

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: [to Klink and Schultz] You two are the only ones that could bring the Third Reich to it's knees.