What do you consider to be the best UM burns? To start:

Bonnie Wilder. Paraphrasing: How do you get lost in a crowd when you're enormous? :lol:

Everything that was uttered out of Danny Wheeler's mouth.

That Bonnie Wilder line and the entire Bean-Wheeler segment might have been the two most hilarious in the entire series.
An underrated burn was from the Anita Green segment talking about people being surprised she married her husband: "... not only because Mel weighed over 500 pounds ..."

There was the heavy-set fraudulent doctor who, according to Stack, was "notable for his girth".

"In the first place, Eddie doesn't have that much education.."

Holly Maddox's friend, Andrea Boyce, gave the best burn of Ira Einhorn. She said something along the lines of "he seemed to think a lot of himself and I don't know how he could feel that way because I didn't find him particularly attractive."

"I knew what I had and I was happy to pass it on, ok?"

I don't think this technically counts, but years ago when the segments were available on YT, the top comment on the Larry George segment (with the update) was "LARRY GEORGE GOT BUSTED IN HIS DRAWS".

ETA: StackTime, I legitimately lol'd when I saw that Ed Baker quote under your username.

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There was the heavy-set fraudulent doctor who, according to Stack, was "notable for his girth".

That’s either a hell of a burn or a hell of a compliment. 😂😂😂

"In the first place, Eddie doesn't have that much education.."

My ribs hurt now

My favorite was Tommy Zaino talking about Son of Sam and saying stuff to the effect of “I can’t picture Berkowitz running like that. I saw a picture of him and in a week you can’t get that fat.” I don’t remember the exact quote but I always laughed when I watched that

In the Johnny Lee Wilson case..."he thought a stun gun was an electric razor"

"Don [Dixon] lives in a fantasy world."

"I don't think she's a good-looking woman."

One of my favorites from the Guardian UFO segment: "There are way too many errors in this letter. Someone with very little effort could have come a lot closer than this."

I don't think this technically counts, but years ago when the segments were available on YT, the top comment on the Larry George segment (with the update) was "LARRY GEORGE GOT BUSTED IN HIS DRAWS".

ETA: StackTime, I legitimately lol'd when I saw that Ed Baker quote under your username.

Thank you!! You got it. I love that quote, and his delivery. If only enough of my friends, relatives, co-workers were UM fanatics like us so that I could drop the line in conversation.

One of my favorites from the Guardian UFO segment: "There are way too many errors in this letter. Someone with very little effort could have come a lot closer than this."

Hahaha hilarious quote! I enjoy when law enforcement is frank...all too often they are obnoxiously diplomatic and formal.

"In the first place, Eddie doesn't have that much education.."

I love this one because of his airtight logic: If only Eddie had not flunked out of geometry in 10th grade, he would be capable of popping his girlfriends relatives and burning down their trailer.

My favorite was Tommy Zaino talking about Son of Sam and saying stuff to the effect of “I can’t picture Berkowitz running like that. I saw a picture of him and in a week you can’t get that fat.” I don’t remember the exact quote but I always laughed when I watched that

First thought when I read this thread was this - Tommy Zaino's assesment of Berkowitz's physical state. "He didn't look like da typa guy ta run, n' do that." I love the fact that they use him in the recreations, too.

I don't think this technically counts, but years ago when the segments were available on YT, the top comment on the Larry George segment (with the update) was "LARRY GEORGE GOT BUSTED IN HIS DRAWS".

ETA: StackTime, I legitimately lol'd when I saw that Ed Baker quote under your username.

:lol::lol: In terms of updates, this takes the cake.

One of my favorite diss lines comes from a LE officer in the Rick Church/Colleen Ritter segment. He says about Rick Church’s attack: “To this day I don’t know what the motive might have been…speculation is the breakup…but to do something like this, that’s really something over that!” It’s just such a hilarious line and such a dig at Rick Church, I love it.

There was the heavy-set fraudulent doctor who, according to Stack, was "notable for his girth".

this is kind of an underrated thread. every time I see the "notable for his girth" segment, it cracks me up. that line has pretty much derailed that entire segment for me.

Best UM Burns? Jack Burns.

This sort of sounded like a burn. One of the investigators in the Kevin Hughes segment....

"He could be fired. But why kill him? His job wasn't that important to be killed for. That's what we've determined."

It's an odd statement to make after the segment made clear how influential Kevin's chart rankings could be for a new artist. Manipulation schemes and payoffs could easily make him a target. And they list all the logical reasons why the robbery gone wrong theory doesn't hold any water. The professional hit theory was the only thing that made sense...and it's what ended up being the reason for the murder.

So, this investigator comes off as confidently wrong with that statement. Plus, he has an odd smile throughout his interview, which is strange because we're talking about a murder here.

This sort of sounded like a burn. One of the investigators in the Kevin Hughes segment....

"He could be fired. But why kill him? His job wasn't that important to be killed for. That's what we've determined."

It's an odd statement to make after the segment made clear how influential Kevin's chart rankings could be for a new artist. Manipulation schemes and payoffs could easily make him a target. And they list all the logical reasons why the robbery gone wrong theory doesn't hold any water. The professional hit theory was the only thing that made sense...and it's what ended up being the reason for the murder.

So, this investigator comes off as confidently wrong with that statement. Plus, he has an odd smile throughout his interview, which is strange because we're talking about a murder here.

yep and then in what can also be viewed as a disgusting comment, Chuck Dixon the man behind Kevin's murder, goes on to say in his interview that Kevin was the most fair of all of his chart makers. I find that comment to be very arrogant considering it is behind the reason he decided to kill Kevin.

I had no idea Dixon was involved in the planning of Kevin's murder. Wow.

I had no idea Dixon was involved in the planning of Kevin's murder. Wow.

Yeah, there is an update now with the filmrise segments and I don't think it mentions Dixon's involvement, but when you look more into the murder it does show that Dixon was the main culprit who plotted the murder. Now every time you watch the segment it will be blatantly obvious that Dixon is involved when you hear him talk in the segment.

Yeah, there is an update now with the filmrise segments and I don't think it mentions Dixon's involvement, but when you look more into the murder it does show that Dixon was the main culprit who plotted the murder. Now every time you watch the segment it will be blatantly obvious that Dixon is involved when you hear him talk in the segment.

After reading your post, I couldn't help but go and re-watch this segment (Stack Season 2, Episode 14).

I didn't remember Dixon at all, but watching him, you can see he was looking down and around the room rather than straight ahead like UM interviewees normally do (presumably where the interviewer would be sitting).

This might be a UM first. We obviously strongly suspect dozens of interviewees of being involved in murders, but Dixon may be the only one we know for certain aside from "Gabby" (who we could hear, but not see)

I love this thread, props to the OP.

I can't help but think that RS was taking a shot at C&M by saying, I have been here all day and have not seen a single ghost. Thankfully they let him keep that line in the segment.

I've since read that RS did not care for many of the paranormal segments and once looked at a producer and said "come on man"

"The guy was out of his gourd."--prosecutor about Albert DeSalvo, who claimed to be the Boston Strangler.

"I looked at him and thought, 'No style, no class.'"--"Barbara" about Carlucci, the marriage conman.

I love this thread, props to the OP.

I can't help but think that RS was taking a shot at C&M by saying, I have been here all day and have not seen a single ghost. Thankfully they let him keep that line in the segment.

I've since read that RS did not care for many of the paranormal segments and once looked at a producer and said "come on man"

RS was the GOAT when it came to fanservice. He knew that the paranormal segments were big at the time.

"Corpulent Con Juan."

RS was the GOAT when it came to fanservice. He knew that the paranormal segments were big at the time.

In some of the paranormal segments you can see a cheeky smile on his face before or after, followed by "keep an open mind." Something tells me he was really paying the bills when he did those segments.

There was one where Robert Stack described the suspect as having a "flabby belly".

There was one where Robert Stack described the suspect as having a "flabby belly".

The suspected killer of Philip Fraser.

A segment which contained the classic line from Gaye Frocklage: "I said to Tina, we've got a winner here."

RS talking about the "cheap-looking wig" that "Sam" wore in the Beverly McGowan segment. That never gets old.

This might not be verbatim but

“I knew Elvis like a book”

Red West on the UM Elvis last night segment. After he wrote a book about Elvis that most likely didn’t make Elvis very happy.

From the Kenneth Engie / Curtis Heck segment:

"I think Kenny was a little bit smarter than that to start a vehicle up and leave it running in the garage while he was still in there."

Just came off as a dig even though the uncle probably meant nothing by it.


In the Johnny Lee Wilson case..."he thought a stun gun was an electric razor"

Yeah, that attorney was full of insensitive remarks. For me, one of the most unlikable people interviewed on UM, even if he was on Johnny's side.

From the Kenneth Engie / Curtis Heck segment:

"I think Kenny was a little bit smarter than that to start a vehicle up and leave it running in the garage while he was still in there."

Just came off as a dig even though the uncle probably meant nothing by it.




Yeah, that attorney was full of insensitive remarks. For me, one of the most unlikable people interviewed on UM, even if he was on Johnny's side.

I thought so as well. He was basically dissing Johnny to try and prove a point. he could have been more tactful and professional.

another Elvis one. his step brother calling him an SOB after finding out Elvis died. I understand if that was his organic reaction at the time, but it just seems unnecessary to repeat that on a tv show. I went from thinking it was terrible to say, to laughing at it, back to now thinking it was wrong for him to say that.

My favorite line of Robert Stack’s from the Kelly Finnegan segment (forgot the season): “Prem Kumar had fallen for the oldest trick in the book.” Just the way he says the line leaves me smirking every time. Almost like, haha look at you. �� Also his line from the Dr. Coin segment (season 3) and one others have quoted here several times before: “If you are approached by one of these con artists for Heaven’s sakes don’t buy these coins.” Not necessarily a burn but definitely a warning to not be stupid.

The lines don’t look that impressive in writing, what made them great was Robert Stack’s vocal expression.

I thought so as well. He was basically dissing Johnny to try and prove a point. he could have been more tactful and professional.


I didn't take Dee Wompler's comments that way at all. I think he was dissing the state for putting together such a poor case and taking advantage of a person of diminished intellect for the sole purpose of railroading an obviously innocent man. It was through lazy police work and acts by the judge. I don;t think Wompler was dissing Johnny in any way and wasn't the least bit offended by what he said.

I didn't take Dee Wompler's comments that way at all. I think he was dissing the state for putting together such a poor case and taking advantage of a person of diminished intellect for the sole purpose of railroading an obviously innocent man. It was through lazy police work and acts by the judge. I don;t think Wompler was dissing Johnny in any way and wasn't the least bit offended by what he said.

fair and I could be going too far on that. he was doing the right thing by defending Johnny. I still think that one line that he said could have been presented differently. I went from thinking that it was funny to thinking that it was harsh comment, even though he was being honest about it. part of it was immaturity on my part.

The Eric Tamiyasu segment where his friend, also named Eric, talks about Don Dixon and tries to debunk and discredit Don's theories by saying "Don lives in a fairy tale." Always find that funny, namely because Dixon himself is a bit of a comedic character. Over the years despite the suspicion of Dixon I have felt that he probably was just a close friend of Eric's, a bit of a clinger if anything, but that more to the story hasn't been told, such as an ex-boyfriend of Eric's girl he was seeing at the time. Either way, I get the feeling Dixon had nothing to do with it. But it is still a nice burn statement.

Someone interviewed in the Albert DiSalvo (Boston Strangler) case: "The guy was out of his gourd."

some of them are already mentioned in this thread, but the whodunit Sammy Wheeler segment is full of insults. ironically none of the suspects featured in the segment were involved in Sammy's murder. so the segment is indeed comical, although it is regarding a murder. I just read up on the update for the segment and it appears that Danny Wheeler hired a PI who helped locate the killer. the UM Wiki article is kind of confusing because it says that Bob, I assume Bob Bean, got the PI in touch with another lead that confessed to knowing who the killer was. it's strange to me that Bob Bean, if it's the same Bob, was able to point out a suspect. Sammy's murderer has also been let out on parole.

A scene from the Hugh Harlin segment ran something like this...

Cop: When the dogs came home that night, did they have their leashes off, or on?

Hugh: Oh, they had their leashes on.

Cop (slams a leash down on the table): What's this, then?

@DALLAS The Sammy Wheeler segment is a must-see isn’t it? It’s got to be one of the craziest love triangle cases ever featured. Didn’t Danny and Bob became friends or something?

@Henderson Those cops sometimes gave it their all in their acting did to they? hehehe. And Hugh is like, “Ah dunno, wut iz it?”

I wanted to add that I’ve been watching the lost segments on the IA and while I know it has been mentioned already, I keep going back to the Bonnie Wilder segment. The woman-on (cross-eyed) woman swipes through the whole thing is just hilarious.

@DALLAS The Sammy Wheeler segment is a must-see isnÂ’t it? ItÂ’s got to be one of the craziest love triangle cases ever featured. DidnÂ’t Danny and Bob became friends or something?

@Henderson Those cops sometimes gave it their all in their acting did to they? hehehe. And Hugh is like, “Ah dunno, wut iz it?”

I wanted to add that IÂ’ve been watching the lost segments on the IA and while I know it has been mentioned already, I keep going back to the Bonnie Wilder segment. The woman-on (cross-eyed) woman swipes through the whole thing is just hilarious.

it looks like Danny and Bob both helped the investigation along in finding the actual killer. I wish there were more details about that because I was under the impression, and still am, that it was a random act of violence. I imagine that they probably did get over their differences or maybe they were just exaggerated on camera, IDK. but it is one of the more entertaining segments from the family drama standpoint. I'm Michael Jordan and I play for the Chicago Bulls. easily one of the greatest moments in UM history.